#85 Am I being unreasonable? (Part 2)
“Am I being reasonable” is something that I often hear and it’s important to remember that asking this is so contextually important. So in today’s episode, I’m continuing my series with the goal of helping you build the muscle of discernment and capacity for self trust in asking yourself the question.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Is it unreasonable to talk about the future - marriage, moving in, trips away?
Is it unreasonable to want my partner to come back within 24 hours after a fight?
Is it unreasonable when I ask my partner to think more about me in the relationship?
Is it unreasonable after 3 years, wanting my partner to anticipate my needs without me having to request them?
Is it unreasonable for me to want to spend 90% of my free time with my partner?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am talking through questions of whether you are being unreasonable when you want or expect certain things from your partner.
0:00:39.44 → 0:01:05.39
This is the second part in this series. I did another one a couple of weeks ago and these are crowdsourced. So for context, if you haven't listened to episode 82, I think it was, I am always getting people asking me how do I know if I'm being unreasonable in the things that I want and expect from my partner? And what I always say is it's very hard for me to answer that in the abstract, right? For me to just give you some generalised universal law of reasonableness.
0:01:05.47 → 0:01:21.54
It's so contextually dependent. And so I asked people on Instagram to give me examples. When do you wonder whether you're being unreasonable? And specific examples in their relationship? And I was so inundated with responses that I decided to do at least two potentially more.
0:01:21.59 → 0:01:44.28
If you enjoy these, so do let me know if you find this helpful. Examples where I'm talking through. Okay? In this circumstance, I think this aspect is reasonable. This aspect is maybe not so reasonable to sort of give that a little bit more colour and allow you to then become more discerning for yourself and apply that to whatever circumstances you might be facing in your own life in a relationship.
0:01:44.41 → 0:02:14.48
So building that muscle of discernment which is so valuable. So that's what today is going to be all about. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that I am still running a 50% off sale on my online education, so my Master classes and my Higher Love course so you can save 50% with the code June 50 on my website. The second quick announcement is that my Homecoming Mastermind, which is a six month intimate small group programme with me, is still open for application and enrollment.
0:02:14.54 → 0:02:41.79
We're starting mid July. So if you are interested in working with me directly in a small group setting over a six month period, I would love to receive your application. Third quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I've been studying and learning from attachment research and therapists for several years now, and you are by far the most concise and easy to understand presenter truly have a gift. And I'm sure I can speak for many in offering sincere thanks for the insight, knowledge and growth you provide. Thank you so much for that.
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I really very much appreciate your kind words and if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around how do I know if I'm being unreasonable? The first example is, am I being unreasonable when I want to talk about our future together? Marriage, moving in and trips away.
0:03:04.38 → 0:03:40.85
For me, this is absolutely reasonable with the small caveat of assuming you haven't been on two dates with this person and you're wanting to talk marriage. I think if you've been together for any substantial period of time and you're in a steady, committed relationship, and you're at an age where it makes sense that you'd be having those conversations, I think it is absolutely reasonable. That you would want to talk about your future together and ensure that you are on the same page around what you respectively want for your lives. I think that structural compatibility is something that we don't maybe talk about enough. And I think it's a really important prerequisite to really investing in a relationship.
0:03:41.00 → 0:03:55.00
By structural compatibility, I mean, do we broadly want the same things? Do you want to get married at some point? Do you want kids or not? Where in the world do you want to live? What does life look like for you in the future?
0:03:55.45 → 0:04:23.90
Can we make sure that we are not on the wrong side of the street? If we have kind of diametrically opposing binary views around certain structural pieces, then that might be a deal breaker. And it's important to know that relatively early on before you're investing too much time in something that might be a dead end. So I think that it is reasonable to want to have those conversations. With that being said, I think it's also true that some people find those conversations more daunting and overwhelming than others.
0:04:23.95 → 0:05:15.99
And that doesn't necessarily mean they're not serious about you, or they don't love you, or they don't see a future with you. But those conversations can just feel really big and overwhelming to some people in a way that they maybe don't for others. So I think having a level of compassion for that while also honouring your desire to have a conversation so that might look like saying to your partner, I know that this is something that's hard for you to talk about or that feels overwhelming, but it's really important to me that we're able to discuss these things. If now isn't a good time where you feel like it's too soon, can we agree to revisit this conversation in three months or six months or whatever it might be? So find a middle ground that honours both of you that isn't pressuring one or the other isn't meaning that one of you has to totally forego how you're feeling or what your needs are.
0:05:16.08 → 0:06:06.94
So find a middle ground that honours both of you, and that doesn't make either person wrong for the way that they're feeling. I think that that is a really good way to approach this and move forward in a way that feels good for both of you. And I think that if your partner is just adamantly categorically refusing to engage at all on those conversations, then that might be telling that they're not ready in a broader sense that you might want different things. You might just have different capacities to have those conversations and that might be something to reflect on for you, whether that's going to work for you in the longer term. If your partner is just really digging their heels in and not interested in talking about the future at all, if it is important to you to have those conversations, then that might be something to think about and consider.
0:06:07.07 → 0:06:36.98
Okay, the next one that I'm going to speak to is, am I being unreasonable when I ask my boyfriend to come back within 24 hours after a fight when he doesn't usually and he usually takes days? This for me is absolutely reasonable to want someone to come back within 24 hours after a fight. Okay? Someone disappearing for days at a time after a fight without repair is really challenging. That is not the stuff of secure relationships, right?
0:06:37.08 → 0:07:09.95
It's okay to need some space to decompress after a fight before coming back to repair. But days is pushing that and it's not really in my mind, respectful to the other person and the fact that they're likely sitting there in a total anxious meltdown feeling really stressed and powerless. So for me, even 24 hours, for me, to be honest, would be pushing it. And of course, there are contextual factors here that might play into it if you live together. That might be different too, if you live apart and only see each other once or twice a week.
0:07:10.04 → 0:07:46.86
But even still, I would be putting 24 hours as the absolute upper limit on that, particularly if there's no contact in that time. I mean, it's one thing if they let you know that they're still processing and need some space and cheque in with you, but if they're just disappearing and kind of dropping off the face of the earth and aren't contactable, then I think that 24 hours is absolutely an upper limit. And as I say, if it were me, it would be a much smaller number than that. So I think that prioritising and having boundaries and agreements around repair after conflict is really a good idea. That's for anyone listening and allows you to have conflict, that feels safe.
0:07:46.92 → 0:08:20.92
Because if the status quo in your relationship is that your partner disappears for days at a time after you have a fight, then guess what? You're going to feel extreme anxiety about having a fight, about raising concerns about any of that because you're bracing for the fallout and all of the stress and pain that that's going to cause you. So I think there's a really negative ripple effect of that kind of behaviour. And it's absolutely reasonable for you to want a quicker turnaround time, let's say, between rupture and repair, than days at a time. I don't think that that is very conducive to a healthy, emotionally safe relationship.
0:08:21.05 → 0:08:54.84
So I think that the path forward for you would be to have that conversation when you're not fighting. I think that trying to impose that as a boundary or make that request when you're in the midst of it and offering that requirement to them when they're about to storm out, that's not going to be effective. So try and explain to them when you're connected and things are good that that doesn't work for you and that's really challenging. And that would they be open to agreeing a shorter period of time between rupture and repair. Okay, the next one is, am I being unreasonable when I ask my partner to think more about me and the relationship?
0:08:55.29 → 0:09:52.58
So this is one where I think it's reasonable to want to feel cared for, it's reasonable to want to feel prioritised, it's reasonable to want to feel like our partner is thinking of us, right? But to ask our partner to think more about us and the relationship is not a very well formulated request or expectation because it's so generalised and it is so open to misinterpretation or misunderstanding. So if I say to my partner, hey, I just really wish you would think more about me in the relationship, how am I going to know if that's happening? How am I going to know if they're actioning that they could be thinking about me from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep at night, but if that's not translate it into action that I can observe and receive, I'm not going to know it, right? And so they could be thinking that they are doing what I've said and I could be sitting there feeling increasingly hurt and resentful because that's not showing up in the way that I would have hoped or expected.
0:09:52.64 → 0:10:20.45
So I think that this is where it is on us initially, first and foremost, to formulate needs and requests that are easy to meet, help ourselves out, help our partner out and fill in the blanks, right? Give it a bit more colour. So saying, I really feel so cared for and loved when you message me out of the blue when you're at work and say you're thinking of me. Right? That might be what you're meaning when you say, I want them to think more about me.
0:10:20.52 → 0:10:49.57
Or it might be that you plan what we're going to have for dinner without me having to ask you about it, or you make plans for us to go on a date or whatever, right. You do a certain set of chores without me having to ask you to. There are so many different ways this can look. And so I think that being really clear with our partner formulating the request with a level of specificity much more likely to actually get what we're needing. Okay.
0:10:49.66 → 0:11:11.12
That leads really nicely into the next one, which is, am I being unreasonable? When after three years, I expect that my partner will be able to attune to and anticipate my needs without me having to prompt or request them. So, again, I think this is kind of two pronged. On the one hand, I think it is reasonable to expect after three years that our partner will know us. Right.
0:11:11.25 → 0:11:45.90
That our partner will have a level of expertise in knowing how we are and the things we like and the things that are meaningful to us and how we like to be treated and the things that make us feel loved. I think that after three years you can expect some level of literacy in one another. It may be a good way of putting it. At the same time, I think going from that to I expect you to anticipate all of my needs without me having to prompt you or make a request of them is an imbalanced assignment of responsibility. Right.
0:11:45.95 → 0:11:59.39
It's just a total abrogation on your side. You should just know is essentially the sentiment behind that. I shouldn't have to ask you, I shouldn't have to tell you how I'm feeling or what I'm needing. You should just know. Right.
0:11:59.51 → 0:12:45.10
And that sounds lovely, but I don't think it is reasonable or realistic and it's probably just going to lead you to be resentful and to feel like your partner doesn't care because, oh, they must know what my needs are, but they just don't care enough to actually take steps to meet them. I think that can be the interpretation that you are going to apply to their behaviour if you're telling yourself the story that by this point they should already know everything. And so to the extent that they're not going out of their way to meet all of those needs, then they're doing that deliberately from a place of selfishness or not being loving. Right. There's a lot of capacity for you to be telling yourself painful stories that leave you feeling hurt and unloved, when really I think we do have to remind our partner or prompt our partner request things from them.
0:12:45.15 → 0:13:27.61
And the other piece is our needs change. Right? In one season of life we might need one thing or want one thing, and in another it might be totally different. So I think rather than being stubborn or righteous about this, we should just be direct and open in our communication. I think that that is by far the easiest and most reliable way to get what we need from our partner and to feel loved and to feel connected rather than just descending into a spiral of storytelling and meaning making and overthinking that leaves us feeling angry or resentful or hurt, possibly unnecessarily, or in a circumstance which is unfounded.
0:13:27.69 → 0:13:55.24
So I think that while we can expect that our partner will know us and we will know them after three years, we still have to be responsible for communicating what we're wanting or needing from them. Okay? The final one that I'm going to speak to for today is, am I being unreasonable when I want to spend 90% of my free time with my partner? So again, the distinction I will make here is you're allowed to want to spend 90% of your time with your partner. Okay?
0:13:56.25 → 0:14:11.33
A desire is what it is, right? That's your preference. You like to spend all of that time with your partner. Whether that's entirely healthy is a different conversation. I think I assume from that question that you lean more towards anxious attachment.
0:14:11.38 → 0:15:03.85
And if you listen to the show a lot, you'll know that I do encourage people with those preferences to try and diversify their energy a little more and create some balance so that they're not too overly focused on the relationship to the exclusion of all else. But putting that to one side, there is a difference between wanting to spend 90% of your free time with your partner and expecting or requiring that your partner equally wants to do that. Okay? The latter is where it becomes unreasonable because we can't be controlling of what our partner prefers or desires. And so to the extent that your partner wants to spend their free time partly with you, but also partly with their friends and also partly with their colleagues or partly on their own, you then judging them for that or shaming them for that, or accusing them of not caring about you for that.
0:15:03.97 → 0:15:51.78
That's where we run into trouble and that's where we can become controlling and unreasonable in the ways in which we're imposing our own way of viewing the world onto our partner and making them wrong for being different to us. So I think that that's really the distinction that I'd draw there and reminding ourselves, like, yeah, I'm allowed to want what I want, but I can't make them want the same thing. And that's the part that we need to lean into and that's really the uncomfortable thing for a lot of us who can tend towards more controlling behaviours in relationship. And as always, I don't say that from a judgmental point of view because I can certainly veer towards that at times, but that's part of our growth is going, oh, okay, I'm being a bit controlling here. I'm wanting them to see the world exactly as I do because that would make me feel more comfortable, right?
0:15:51.88 → 0:16:10.35
That's just not how healthy, balanced relationships work. So we need to find space for both of those things. We need to find a way to honour our desire to spend time together while also not imposing our extremes on someone else. I hope that this has been helpful. As I said, I've got so many more examples of these that you guys sent in.
0:16:10.39 → 0:16:55.48
So if this is a format that you do find useful and you'd like me to continue with every so often, do let me know, and I will be sure to record some more examples of these so that you can start building that muscle of discernment and your own capacity for self trust in asking yourself the question so that you can cheque in and go, wait. Am I being unreasonable? Hopefully, through repetition and through almost listening to these worked examples, you'll have a greater capacity to make that assessment and judgement call for yourself in whatever circumstances you find yourself in. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful. If you could leave a rating or a review, it does help so much in not only letting me know what you love about the show, but also in getting the word out and helping more people with the podcast.
0:16:55.62 → 0:17:13.01
Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg @stephanierigg.com
0:17:13.13 → 0:17:22.26
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.