5 Reminders If You're Going Through a Break-Up
Unless you’ve married your high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after, you have likely experienced a breakup in your life. In today’s episode, I’m sharing 5 reminders and ways to support yourself while you're going through a break-up.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
The break-up is going to be hard
Finding other support people
Processing the break-up in anxious and avoidant ways
Not making meaning or assumptions
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be offering you five reminders.
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If you are going through a breakup or you've recently been through a breakup, or maybe not so recently, but you still feel like you're in that post breakup era in that it's still occupying a lot of mental and emotional energy and you're still really struggling with the emotional processing and maybe finding a level of acceptance around the breakup. So obviously this is an area that all of us will likely experience challenge in at some point in our lives. I think breakups are one of those things that unless you marry your high school sweetheart and live happily ever after, you're probably going to experience a breakup and have to do a level of grieving around that. And while there's no opting out of the challenges that a breakup can present, I do believe that there are better and worse ways to move through a breakup, or at least ways that you can go through that process. That are more supported and mindsets that ultimately allow you to grow through that experience rather than spiral downwards to a dark place, which I think can happen.
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So I'm going to be offering you five reminders, tips, ways that you can support yourself if you are going through a breakup. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being another reminder that for the month of June, you can save 50% of my Master classes and my Higher Love Course. My Higher Love Course in particular is very much in keeping with the theme of today's episode around breakups. It is a really comprehensive course for anyone who is going through a breakup.
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It helps you to process all of those emotions, the grieving, the meaning, making, finding closure, but then also really supports you to pivot, to look towards the future and go, okay, what do I want? What do I value in relationships? What are the lessons I need to learn here? How can I take responsibility for my part in whatever dynamics existed in my previous relationship? How can I get really clear?
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How can I build up my self worth so that I'm looking to the future? And when it comes time to date again, how can I make sure that I'm doing that from a really integrated and empowered place rather than a place that is driven by scarcity or insecurity or unworthiness, as I think can happen if we've had a bit of a knock to our self worth? So my Higher Love course, along with my three other Master classes, are all available for 50% off on my website for the month of June. You've got another week or so to take advantage of that with the code June 50. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is so comforting.
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I've fallen in love with this podcast. It's so comforting and reassuring to not feel alone in what I'm experiencing and to have the tools to handle the emotions at hand. For an anxious person, this is balm for the soul, feeling seen and having the comfort of a framework for the situation at hand. Listening to this podcast is a form of soothing when I've been triggered. Thank you so much.
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Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that that's been your experience and it is my absolute honour and pleasure to be able to support you through your process. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around reminders. If you're going through a breakup.
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Now, this is not an exhaustive list. I probably could have done many more than this, but I think these five will give you a solid grounding to approach your breakup in a way that's going to be as supported and adaptive as possible. So the first one is remind yourself that breakups are almost always going to be hard. Again, sometimes you might end on very amicable mutual terms and feel generally good about the breakup, but even then there's going to be some adjustment, there's going to be some grieving. And I think that unfortunately, that is the minority of cases around a breakup.
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Most of the time there is maybe a lack of mutuality around the breakup. One person ends the relationship and the other person didn't want the relationship to end. All of those circumstances that mean that the breakup is going to be hard, it's going to hurt, and it's going to feel like you're in a whirlpool of emotions, and that's okay. That's actually normal and to be expected. I think where we really get ourselves into strife is where we aren't bracing for that.
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And so when those emotions arise and they can feel big and intense and overwhelming, we start to panic because we're so uncomfortable with our own emotions. We panic and we go, this can't be right. This must mean something, right? I'm not meant to miss them this much. If I'm feeling this guttered and spinning out of control and totally rudderless, that must mean that the breakup is the wrong decision, that it can't be right.
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And so if you're the person who was broken up with, you might find yourself frantically trying to contact your ex and plead with them and convince them and beg for another chance or tell them about all the ways in which it could be different. But I think that to do that really misses the point, which is that irrespective of how a relationship was, even if the relationship was really not working, even if it was unhealthy, even if it was dysfunctional and conflict, ridden the breakup is going to be hard because we have become accustomed and familiarised ourselves with that relationship that is part of our normal. And so for that to be taken away even if as I said, it wasn't healthy, it wasn't really working for us, all of a sudden we can feel very alone and very almost naked and without an anchor. That is the nature of attachment is that we learn to orient ourselves through our attachment figures and our romantic partners become that. And so all of that to say really be mindful of the stories you're telling yourself and the meaning that you are attributing to those big emotions in the wake of a relationship ending because the grief is totally normal, the sadness is normal, the missing them is normal.
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And I think the more that we can go into the experience with sort of realistic expectations, then the less likely we are to scramble to fix those emotions when they arise, and we're more likely to just be able to stay with it and remind ourselves, this is normal, this is to be expected. And I will get to the other side of this emotion. Think of it like a tunnel with a light at the end of it. Okay? So the second reminder if you're going through a breakup is in 99% of cases clearly I've just plucked that number out of dinner but you get what I mean.
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In the vast majority of cases it is not a good idea for you and your ex to be each other's emotional support person through the breakup. So I think a lot of us again really struggle with this and I have certainly struggled with this and not done a very good job of it in the past. When we see our ex in pain or vice versa, there can be such a strong urge to go in and try and comfort them and to support them emotionally through whatever emotions they are experiencing in the wake of the relationship ending. To worry about them, to feel guilty even if they're in a really bad place or they're not coping very well and to feel responsible for that or feel like it is on you to make sure that they're okay. And as much as that is totally understandable because of course this person until the breakup was your person and you were meant to be each other's rock and anchor and support person.
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The fact of the relationship ending means that your role with respect to each other is shifting and has shifted. And it's not to say that we have to be really careless and cold and uncaring, but we really do need to have some boundaries in place in the vast majority of cases. Because to be each other's emotional crutch through the breakup is likely going to make it very hard and very confusing for your system to recalibrate and understand your new relationship to this person. Because even though rationally, you can know, okay, yeah, we've broken up, we're no longer romantic partners. Having that tether of emotional support and big emotions and holding each other through that is going to really muddy the waters and it's probably going to make it much harder for you and draw out that process of unravelling and sort of rewriting the story.
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And even if you are on good terms, and even if you do intend to be friends down the track, it's probably a good idea to take some time and space from each other and find emotional support in other people in your lives rather than continuing to be that rock for one another. Because as I said, I think that can really muddy the waters and draw out the whole process and eventually you are going to have to let go to some degree. So I think the sooner you can set those healthy boundaries with each other, the better off you'll both be. And as I said, that doesn't mean you have to never speak to them again. It doesn't mean you can never have any sort of relationship.
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But I think having some lines that allow you to figure out what your relationship looks like in a way that is substantively different, qualitatively different to that of being each other's partner is usually a good idea. Okay, the next reminder is that everyone processes breakups in a different way. Now this is an area where I see a lot of people, particularly people who lean towards more anxious attachment patterns, really cause themselves a lot of suffering because they are usually spinning out and having a really tough time with a breakup. And they see their ex who might be more avoidant in their attachment patterns. And outwardly they seem to be quite fine, right?
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They might seem to be just getting on with life. Maybe they're being even more social than they were before. Maybe they've jumped straight on a dating app or whatever, right? But what you're seeing from the outside looks like a person who isn't in a lot of turmoil. And for the anxiously attached person, the story that gets told is they don't even care. They're not even sad. They must never have loved me. I never meant anything to them. They don't even care about me. How are they so fine when I am such a mess?
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I feel like an idiot, all of these things, right? Those stories are really painful and obviously can exacerbate what is already a challenging emotional time. So the reminder here is, please do not interpret someone else's behaviour through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing those things, because you're coming from two very different places a lot of the time and you're filling in the blanks and jumping to a lot of conclusions, making a lot of assumptions that are not helpful and that are based on very incomplete information. So please know that people process breakups in a very different way and particularly from that attachment perspective. In my Higher Love course, which I mentioned at the start, I have a bonus master class that's included on attachment styles and breakups and really breaking down what you can expect from each attachment style as they move through a breakup.
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What are the usual outward behaviours, inward emotional responses? That gives a little context for that, right? And lets us understand that no two processes are going to be the same and particularly when we are coming from different attachment patterns and strategies, we're likely to have a different journey through that breakup period. So just remind yourself that your process post breakup is not in competition with your exes. It is not something that you should be comparing how quickly you are moving on and making meaning out of that as if them moving on quicker than you means that they win.
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Right? There's no winner or loser and it's really just stay in your own lane is the advice. Right? So I think that the more you can remind yourself of that and resist the urge to veer into comparison and competition and meaning making and assumptions around your ex's breakup journey versus yours, I think that will stand you in really good stead. Okay, that leads me nicely into the fourth tip, which is what your ex is thinking, feeling and doing is no longer within your jurisdiction.
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Okay? Now, this is very, very hard to come to terms with, particularly for those of us who mean more anxious and who tend to lean on information gathering as a way of feeling in control when we are feeling anxious or afraid or stressed or insecure. Right? So you will likely have had a lot of patterns around doing this of what are they thinking? What are they feeling, what are they doing, what does it mean?
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And how can I kind of weave my way through all of that to try and create safety for myself and to try and create a sense of security, to try and perhaps manipulate. And I don't mean that in a way that implies malicious intent, but really manipulate, as in to try and curate the dynamic or the relationship or control the situation in some way to meet my needs or to further my end. When you've broken up with someone, when someone's broken up with you, you no longer are entitled to know what they are thinking or feeling or doing. Right? And I think that that can be really challenging, right?
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Because you'll impulsively everything within you will be saying I've got to find out what they're thinking and feeling and how do I know what this means? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What does it mean when they do this, or what do you think this the number of questions I get in that vein really speaks to the fact that we spend a lot of mental and emotional energy post breakup trying to hypothesise and decipher what our ex is thinking, feeling and doing. And the reality is, there's no way of knowing short of your ex telling you what they're thinking, feeling and doing, which they're probably not going to offer up. And there's really not a lot to be gained from you spinning around in circles trying to figure that out unilaterally.
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Because then what? So that I can then game it in a way to try and get them back or change their mind. It's just not healthy and it's not empowering, and it's not really what you need, even if it feels like that's what you need. So remind yourself. I think there's a level of radical acceptance that needs to happen here.
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It's like almost picturing that you're holding really hard onto a rope. Like, I'm picturing like, a tug of war, and it's just taking so much energy to keep pulling and pulling and pulling and gripping. And it's almost like you have to visualise just letting go of the rope because it's not yours anymore and it's costing you a lot, and it's really taking up a lot of space within you that could be redirected to your own emotional state. What are you thinking, feeling and doing rather than focusing exclusively on them when that's no longer yours to focus on? So release the grip, let go of the rope, and try and stand on your own 2ft and redirect some of that energy and attention back towards yourself.
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Now, that leads me really nicely into my fifth and final reminder, which is a breakup is a really beautiful opportunity to reset, to take stock, to get clear, to learn lessons. Okay? I know it doesn't feel like that. I know that oftentimes we would do anything to undo it, to go back in time, to change things, if only I'd done this and what if I'd done that and I shouldn't have asked for this because then maybe they wouldn't. Blah, blah, blah.
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We can just send ourselves down this rabbit hole of what ifs? But that really keeps us stuck in the past. And a breakup is like turning over a new page. And I think that if we are courageous enough to step outside of all of that rumination and obsessing and actually go, okay, here's where I am. This is what's happening.
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What are the lessons for me here in this moment, in that relationship? Because every relationship and every breakup has lessons for us, okay? And I think that learning those lessons is our responsibility. Certainly if we want to have healthier relationships going forward and if we want to leave behind patterns that haven't been serving us, that feel exhausting and overwhelming and that we feel stuck in. Because the reality is, if you just spin around in your breakup and do the ruminating thing for a while, for a few months, until you kind of get over it, and then you eventually go back on dating apps, and go back there again without having done any really intentional processing of what happened and what was driving that on your side, then there's a really good chance that you're going to end up in another relationship that exhibits many of those same traits, whatever those were for you.
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But if you haven't, quote unquote, done the work to cultivate conscious awareness around what are my patterns? As I've said before, if you're the common denominator in a pattern that keeps showing up in your life, then that's a really good invitation into getting curious. Why do I keep choosing this? Even if it doesn't feel like I'm choosing it? A part of me is choosing it.
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A part of me feels this gravitational pull towards that type of person or that type of relationship. And so when you've gone through a breakup, it's like the universe has cleared the decks for you, has given you this clean slate. And so that's your cue to learn the lessons, to cultivate that conscious awareness and to really get clear who am I, who do I want to be, what are my values, what do I care about, what do I want my life to look like? You have this window of opportunity to really stand on your own 2ft and figure that out without the influence or the distraction of a relationship, right? Because for all of the wonderful things that a relationship can give us, it also does require that we compromise.
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And that's totally okay, that's part of being in relationship. But you're given an opportunity here to figure out what life looks like for you without the influence of someone else's wants, needs, preferences, desires. And so I think that is a really good opportunity for you to rebuild that relationship with yourself so that you can go to the next relationship with a clearer sense of who you are and what you want for your life. And that's particularly true if you are more anxious and you tend to see your sense of self get subsumed into the relationship and you do notice that you lose your own identity as a standalone person. I think that's even more true that this breakup that you might be experiencing is a really great opportunity.
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So don't waste it because if you do just continue down the old path of obsession and rumination, then there's a good chance that you'll be back here in six months or a year or two years. But our patterns have a very funny knack for reenacting themselves until we learn the lesson. So I hope that has been helpful. Those were five reminders. If you're going through a breakup or you've been through a breakup and you're finding it hard to move on in a way that feels clear and confident and supported.
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So I really hope that that has given you something to think about, that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode. As always, super grateful. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, you can leave a comment on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on socials of those things really do help so much in continuing to get the word out. So thank you so much for joining me.
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I'm sending you lots of love. If you've been through a breakup and you're having a tough time, as I said, I know it's hard, but you will get through it. You will be okay and you might even be better than you were before. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon.
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Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things hatchment love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
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Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.