"Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?"
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship. Some of the things we cover:wanting to change little things vs big thingshow anxious and avoidant attached people differ in want...
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship.
Some of the things we cover:
Wanting to change little things vs big things
How anxious and avoidant attached people differ in wanting to change their partner
Changes that relate to core relationship needs
My advice when you're hoping they'll change without any signs that they want to
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Is it Wrong to Hope My Partner Will Change?
Many people have, at some point in their relationships, wished that their partner would change in some way. Whether it’s wishing they would be more affectionate, communicate better, or even change trivial habits, it’s a common thought. But is it wrong to have these thoughts and desires? Let’s delve into this complex topic and consider some nuanced perspectives.
Understanding the Desire for Change
It’s entirely human to harbour feelings of wishing for change in a partner. Recognising this can alleviate some of the guilt or shame associated with these thoughts. Everyone has moments of frustration or dissatisfaction in a relationship, and at times, it’s easy to believe that if a partner just altered a specific behaviour or trait, things would be perfect. These thoughts are normal, yet it’s crucial to reflect on them rather than act impulsively.
Self-Reflection: Is It My Issue or Theirs?
One primary aspect to consider is how much of the desire for your partner to change stems from your own issues. This self-inquiry involves questioning whether the traits that bother you are minor quirks or fundamental behaviours deeply affecting the relationship. Often, criticisms of a partner may actually mirror unresolved issues within ourselves. For instance, wanting a partner to adopt your way of doing things might highlight a need to control or even deeper insecurities.
Differentiating Between Minor and Major Changes
Not all desired changes in a partner are created equal. Discerning whether the things you wish to change are small annoyances or significant issues is vital. Minor quirks, such as how a partner dresses or eats, often shouldn’t hold substantial weight in the relationship’s overall happiness. However, major issues, like a partner’s unwillingness to communicate or recurring destructive behaviours, merit more serious attention. Asking yourself whether these changes impact core relationship needs or fundamental compatibility can provide clarity.
Evolving Perspectives Over Time
It’s also useful to examine whether these frustrations and desires for change have always been present or if they are recent developments. Initial attractions to certain traits can evolve into frustrations as relationships progress. Traits you might have found endearing initially, such as spontaneity or passion, could later feel like unpredictability or relentlessness. Understanding this shift can help you determine whether the change in perception is rooted in other underlying issues within the relationship or personal growth.
Are You Seeking Change for Connection or Distance?
Our attachment styles often influence how we perceive the need for a partner to change. Those with anxious attachment may want changes to feel more secure and solidify the relationship, seeing it as a solution to all problems. Conversely, those with avoidant tendencies might use the desire for change as a distancing tactic, proving that incompatibility exists. Recognising which attachment style may be driving these feelings can help you address the root cause more effectively.
Impact on Core Relationship Needs
When considering changes, it’s vital to differentiate between personal preferences and fundamental relationship needs. Some aspects, such as a partner's refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue or perpetual irresponsibility, could genuinely be deal breakers. Reflecting on whether you could maintain a fulfilling relationship if these aspects remain unchanged is paramount. If the inability to change would significantly impact your happiness or well-being, it’s a significant point to consider.
Realistic Expectations and Willingness to Change
It's important to establish whether there has been any indication of a partner's willingness or ability to change. True and lasting change often needs to originate from within the individual being asked to change. If a partner is only making superficial changes to appease demands, it may not result in long-term satisfaction for either party. Genuine, intrinsic motivation to improve or adapt certain behaviours is necessary for meaningful change.
Accepting or Moving On
Ultimately, evaluating whether you can accept your partner as they are is crucial. Holding on to unrealistic expectations for change can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction and resentment. If fundamental needs are unmet and there is no mutual willingness to work towards meaningful change, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s viability. Acceptance of a partner’s true self, along with honest communication about non-negotiables, is key to a healthy relationship dynamic.
Embracing Humility and Self-Growth
Embarking on this self-reflective journey is an opportunity for personal growth. Discovering more about what drives your desires for change can lead to a deeper understanding of your own needs and insecurities. This humility and self-awareness can enrich not just your romantic relationships but all interpersonal connections.
By maintaining a balanced perspective on the desire for change in a partner, you can foster a more compassionate and realistic approach to relationships. Whether it leads to a deeper connection with your partner or a realisation that it’s time to move on, this exploration can ultimately guide you towards more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently wishing your partner would change certain aspects of their behaviour? If so, what are these aspects and why do they bother you?
Reflect on whether these desired changes in your partner are fundamental traits or more superficial quirks. What does this reveal about your expectations and tolerance within the relationship?
How do you differentiate between constructive feedback and being overly critical of your partner? What impact do you think your approach has on the relationship?
Consider a time when you felt frustrated with your partner's behaviour. Can you identify any underlying unmet needs or insecurities within yourself that may have contributed to this frustration?
Think about the aspects of your partner that initially attracted you to them. Have these traits changed over time in your perception? What might this shift indicate about your evolving needs and expectations?
In what ways do you take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, independently of your partner? How could this practice help ease relationship tensions?
Ponder the question: If the things you wish would change about your partner never did, could you find peace and contentment in the relationship as it is? Why or why not?
How do you handle situations where there is a fundamental disparity between your core relationship needs and your partner's behaviour? What strategies could help bridge this gap?
Reflect on any instances where you've projected your unhappiness or dissatisfaction onto your partner. What steps can you take to address these feelings within yourself before placing them on the relationship?
How do you and your partner communicate about needed changes and growth within the relationship? What improvements could be made to foster a more supportive and understanding dialogue?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the listener question of, is it wrong to want my partner to change? I think that this is a predicament that a lot of us will relate to to varying degrees at different points in life and in relationships. Is that niggling voice in your head that starts to feel really critical of your partner, maybe in a general sense, or specific things that they do. But having that sense of if they just change this thing, then everything would be different, or then I'd be more attracted to them, or then all my needs would be met and we wouldn't be fighting or we wouldn't be disconnected or whatever it might be. But this feeling that the problems in the relationship or the way that you're feeling towards them originate with them and, you know, needing them to change is kind of the roadblock standing in the way of your happiness or your satisfaction, your peace, whatever it might be. So I think it's a feeling that a lot of us will relate to. And as always, I think that it's important to inquire and get curious with, you know, how much of this is my stuff? How much of this is telling me something about the relationship that needs my attention? Is there anything there for my partner to action and sifting through that in a way that really allows us to have a bit more clarity rather than just following those voices and those stories in our head that can lead us to, you know, not very nice or constructive behavior within our relationship when we are in that mode of judgment and criticism and maybe even being a bit manipulative, trying to change our partner.
[00:02:09]:
And I think that as we'll get into sometimes there can be some, you know, egoic drives in there where we're kind of self centered and, whether we realize it or not, they can be an arrogance to wanting our partners to change because often we want them to change to be more like us. So taking responsibility, taking ownership for all of those things and, getting clarity around it, I think is really important because so much of the time, our relationship, our partner, the way we're feeling about those things is just a mirror or is feedback, that's pointing us towards something within us that needs some love and care. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some guiding questions that might shed some light on that dynamic as it applies to your relationship. Before I dive into that, a super quick reminder that I am offering a 50% off sale on all my master classes and courses on my website. You can use the code, Hey, baby, all one word, to save 50% on those, which is to celebrate the birth of my baby, which was 1 month ago today. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around wanting to change partner.
[00:03:21]:
Now, as I often do at the start of an episode, I just want to almost give a bit of a permission slip to be human here. I don't think it's something we have to beat ourselves up over this desire to change a partner. I think it would be dishonest for someone to say that they've never had those thoughts or those urges or those moments of frustration where you just wish that your partner were different in some way that they, you know, acted differently, presented themselves differently, coped with things differently. And so I think that, you know, giving ourselves the grace and cutting ourselves some slack for being human in having those thoughts and urges is important. Always wanting to be compassionate. That, of course, doesn't give us permission slip to act on those impulses or those urges. And I think that's where we really need to take responsibility and go, okay. How am I acting out here? Am I being critical? Am I being nitpicky? And what kind of culture is that creating in my relationship? Is it really a culture that is inspiring of growth and change, in, you know, a positive direction? Or is it creating a culture of disconnection, and, you know, disapproving judgment? All of those things, which, you know, if you have ever been on the receiving end of, tends not to be terribly inspiring and, you know, it leads to more disconnection.
[00:04:44]:
So as I said, I'm going to offer you some questions to get a bit more clarity around this wanting to change your partner, because I think that this can arise in a lot of different circumstances. You know, it might just be feeling almost like the ick towards your partner, which some people relate to. I think almost people with more avoidant tendencies tend to experience more of that ick than people with anxious tendencies. I think that people who have more anxious attachment tend to wanna change their partner in ways that they see as solidifying the relationship. So if there's any sense that the relationship disconnected in some way or the relationship is lacking, It's really easy to pin that on what's wrong with the partner and tell yourself the story that if they were different, then everything would be solved. And so changing your partner becomes, you know, the solution to all of your problems. Whereas, I think that, for more avoidant folks, changing your partner or being critical of your partner, is more of a distancing strategy. It can feel like if they were different, you know, we'd be a better fit.
[00:05:52]:
And the fact that they are like that, and I feel this sense of resistance or criticism or judgment towards them is proof that we're not meant to be together. So we can see that what starts as a similar seed kind of grows in 2 different directions as is often the case, with these, you know, different attachment patterns and styles. So the first question that I wanna put to you around, you know, this wanting your partner to change is are the things that you're wanting to change about your partner, little things or big things? So is it, you know, little quirks that they have, you know, the way that they dress or the way that they eat or the music that they listen to, you know, things that are kind of peripheral to who they are, but, you know, nonetheless make up parts of them. Are those things irking you or is it big things like, you know, fundamental to their relational dynamic? Is it that they refuse to talk about relationship issues or, you struggle to have any sort of constructive as they're showing up in their relationship or just as themselves, that you are taking issue with and you're wanting them to change. So I think, you know, naturally, if it's the little things that are bothering you, I think we have to, I don't know, query how important those things really are. And I think that when we fixate on those little things, it's usually pointing us to something within us, a perfectionism or some other rigidity or desire to control, or perhaps an unmet need there. And we're using those little things as almost a scapegoat for, you know, a way to validate how we're feeling in a deeper sense. So, big things or little things, then we maybe need to go to the next step, which is, have I always been bothered by these things or is it a recent development? So if you've always been bothered by these things, I think that's a very different scenario and a much less common one than if it's a recent development.
[00:08:07]:
And if it's more recent that you've started to have this sense of frustration or, you know, resistance, criticism, judgment, disapproval of your partner, then reflect on what else is going on. What's the backdrop to this, that might give me more information as to, you know, accompanying unmet needs, things that are going on in the relationship that are leading me to project this onto my partner, and wanting them to change. You know, what else accompanies this? Because I think that much of the time, what you'll find is the things that you end up being frustrated about in your you weren't bothered by initially. You know, I often give the example, you know, you might be really attracted to someone's spontaneity, but 6 months or a year into the relationship, you're pulling your hair out with frustration at the fact that they can't stick to a plan. You might be really attracted to someone's passion and that they have really strong opinions and they're really engaged. But down the track, you might find it frustrating that they can't just let anything go, or they always have to have the last word or some other expression of that trait. You might be really attracted to someone's self discipline and really admire that about them only to subsequently become frustrated with the fact that they're too uptight and rigid and you wish that they'd just lighten up. So getting curious around, like, have I just changed the way that I relate to aspects of them that were always there and maybe even aspects of them that I once really appreciated? Or, you know, is there something else here? And I think as a bit of a hint, oftentimes, we're attracted to someone else, expressing a trait that we don't have or that we've suppressed or judged within ourselves.
[00:10:07]:
So you might really admire someone's ability to be the center of attention and to be really confident in social settings because that's not something that comes naturally to you. And it's maybe something that you really wish you could embody. But while that's attractive to you in the first place, in the first instance, when you meet them, down the track, you might notice the same parts of you that suppress that or a critical of that within yourself. Start to you know, arc up and, and express those same criticisms towards them. And so you wanna suppress that in them the same way that you suppress it within yourself. So I think that getting curious around like, oh, how, where is this come from this sense of criticism that I feel towards my partner, and wanting them to change? Am I wanting them to just be more like me? And is that really what I want? Because as much as we can tell ourselves the story that, if they were more like me, then everything would be easier. You'd probably also experience a loss of attraction if that were the case, because much of the time it really is our differences, that allow us to complement each other and to work really well as a team and to maintain that sense of separateness that can fuel attraction in a relationship, as much as particularly if you're more anxious, the desire to merge and enmesh into one unit can really be there. And that can be almost like a form of safety that if we're just kind of melded into 1, then we're inseparable.
[00:11:39]:
And that makes me feel safer. It tends to not actually be conducive to a really healthy, thriving relationship. Okay. The next question that I wanna offer you is, do the things that I want to change or that I'm hoping will change in my partner relate to my core relationship needs? And relatedly, if things never changed in that respect, could I make my peace with that or would that be a deal breaker? Now, this is obviously a big question, and we're getting more into the territory here of really foundational stuff rather than, you know, it annoys me the way that they do their hair or don't do their hair or something trivial. You know, is there something really fundamental to the relationship here that I'm hoping will change, that goes to my ability to be happy in this place, in my life with them. Is that what I'm hoping will change? And I think this can get a bit murky and challenging, because so many of us, you know, I've been guilty of this absolutely persistent relationships where there is this kind of abstract hope of something changing, things are gonna get better, you know, next month, next year. And, you know, in the meantime, we persist in dynamics that are really dissatisfying. And there's just like a real lack of connection, a lack of joy.
[00:13:08]:
You know, there's really stuff missing there. And I think oftentimes, even though we make it out to be very complicated, most of the time, you know, deep down when there's something that's not right about the relationship, when there's something missing. And that's not always to say that you need to walk away at that point, but where the relationship is really fundamentally not meeting your needs and it kind of never has, there's never been a sense that it's been right, but you've just always been pushing and pushing and telling yourself that like, you know, at some abstract future point, everything's going to be different. Notwithstanding the fact that there's kind of no evidence pointing to that ever coming to fruition. I think that's when we have to start getting honest about how healthy or constructive it is for us to be holding on to this, you know, hope that our partner is going to change when there's really nothing pointing to that actually happening. When that change is related to something that's pretty foundational to our sense of, you know, joy, peace, well-being. I think it's also important to say there, again, it kind of relates to what I was speaking about earlier. We can often project things onto our partner and make it their responsibility to make us happy, and tell ourselves that, you know, when they change these things, then I will be happy.
[00:14:25]:
And again, I think that, you know, if you've not historically been great at taking care of yourself at, you know, living a vibrant life without a partner being that source of vibrancy for you, then it's really easy to pin that on them and, and blame your lack of vitality or lack of joy or lack of peace, on what might be missing in the relationship. So it's always this really delicate balancing act, and it's such a nuanced conversation of what is really something that we want our relationship to be giving us in terms of kind of life force, versus what we need to be sourcing for ourselves and then allowing our relationships to be, you know, a beautiful addition to that rather than the source of it. And again, I think there's no clear cut answer here. And I'm probably not speaking to, you know, people who are on the edge there. It's probably more situations like, you know, a relationship that I was in, where I was really fundamentally not happy. My needs are not being met. The relationship was just not what I wanted. And yet there was some part of me that thought that, you know, it was going to get better, even though it just wasn't.
[00:15:41]:
And I was expecting that to come from my partner changing, you know, kind of magically becoming someone that he wasn't. And, you know, that was a recipe for me staying stuck there for a really long time. So I think that asking yourself that question of if things never changed in these material respects, and I'm hoping they will, would that be okay Or would that be a deal breaker if you told me in 5 years time that this part of your relationship, this aspect, this conflicts that you keep having on repeat, is still going to be there or, you know, your partner is still going to be behaving in this way that you find to be really problematic. You know, if that was still the case, then would that be a deal breaker for you? And I think if the answer is yes, it would be a deal breaker for me, then you have to ask the question of, well, has my partner indicated any willingness to work on this thing that, you know, we can recognize is causing an issue in our relationship. And again, if the answer is no, then we have to do a bit of a reality check on, well, am I just, you know, hoping that something's going to change when there's no reason that it would? You know, if days are going by and weeks months are going by, nothing's changing because nothing's being done. And it's something that's really fundamentally important to me. And I've made that clear to my partner. If there's no movement towards change that's originating with them.
[00:17:16]:
And I really do believe that as much as we can, you know, express a desire or a need in a relationship, if it's asking someone to make changes within themselves, that's got to come from them in the sense that they've got to have some intrinsic motivational desire to make that change in order for it to stick in any substantive, meaningful, long term way. If it's just you telling someone they have to do something and they are reluctantly agreeing in order to, you know, get you to stop nagging them or just to restore some sort of peace. But they don't actually deeply agree or they don't want that, I can all but guarantee you that that's not gonna be the solution. Or, you know, if they don't understand what the problem actually is and they're just kind of agreeing with you, then there's probably not gonna be the change that you're looking for, and there's a good chance that you'll just keep spinning around in those cycles. So really reflecting if it is something that's non negotiable, if it's big, and it's, you know, a deal breaker for you potentially, if it weren't to change, then has there been any indication from your partner that they're actually, you know, willing, able to make those changes. And, you know, what's the plan, what action are they taking and, you know, what have they done to show to you that, they really get it and it's really important to them as well, independent from it just being something that you've told them they have to do as some sort of ultimatum or condition of being in the relationship. Because as I said, those things tend not to stick. So that was a lot.
[00:19:01]:
I hope that you've managed to follow that web of questions and different permutations of this dynamic of changing a partner. As I said, in the introduction, there's sort of different bits there and different scenarios that that speaks to whether it's just the nitpicky things that might point us, you know, to something within ourselves that needs our attention, maybe where you're projecting onto our partner because we're feeling a bit disconnected from ourselves, from our own vitality, and we're making that about them. We're kind of blaming them for the way that we're feeling, in which case that's really good information and something that we can work with. If it's bigger things, if you're really unhappy in the relationship, kind are kind of deal breakers for you or non negotiables, I should say, in terms of, you know, your willingness to be in the relationship, then I think we have to get really clear around, you know, how realistic that hope is, and whether there's any accompanying action or plan or, or kind of evidence, upon which to be, just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are going to get better. Just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are gonna get better. You know, at some future point, next week, month, once we get past this milestone, then everything will be better. But if there's nothing to actually support that, then I think we do have to get a bit honest with ourselves and, you know, say, can I accept this person as they are? And if I can't, then is this the right relationship for me to be in? And I think that can be a really eye opening, and humbling inquiry to go down. So I hope that this has been helpful as always.
[00:20:54]:
So grateful to all of you who tune in, who leave reviews and feedback on Spotify and Apple. I read every single review and comment. I'm always so, so grateful for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:15]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, partner change, listener question, critical partner, relationship problems, unmet needs, relationship solutions, judgment, criticism, manipulative behavior, egoic drives, self-centered, ownership, relationship feedback, love and care, guiding questions, master classes, courses, relationship dynamics, relational needs, criticism resistance, anxious attachment, avoidant tendencies, relational change, deal breaker, relationship reflection
How to Not Lose Yourself in a New Relationship
Are you someone who tends to go from 0 to 100 at the start of a new relationship? In today's episode, we're exploring how to not lose yourself when you start dating someone new (although the advice also applies to people already in an established relationship who feel they've lost touch with themselves). This dynamic is particularly common among those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to become overly fixated on a connection at the expense of other areas of life.
Are you someone who tends to go from 0 to 100 at the start of a new relationship? In today's episode, we're exploring how to not lose yourself when you start dating someone new (although the advice also applies to people already in an established relationship who feel they've lost touch with themselves). This dynamic is particularly common among those with an anxious attachment style, who tend to become overly fixated on a connection at the expense of other areas of life.
Tune in for tips on how to pace yourself in the early stages of a relationship so that you can deepen into a connection in a balanced, sustainable way that sets you up for long-term security and success.
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Maintaining Your Identity in New Relationships
When embarking on a new romantic journey, the excitement can be palpable. The rush of dopamine when we see their name pop up on our phones, the thrill of getting to know someone on a deeper level, and the joy of crafting future plans together can be incredibly intoxicating. However, amidst this whirlwind of new emotions, it's vital that we don't lose ourselves—an occurrence all too common, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles.
The Excitement of New Love
It's completely normal to feel exhilarated when you meet someone new. This feeling should be embraced as a beautiful part of the dating experience. However, it's crucial to balance this excitement with the maintained presence of your own life and interests. Otherwise, this attachment can quickly become overwhelming, leading to potential neglect of personal responsibilities and relationships.
The Risks of Losing Yourself
For those with an anxious attachment style, the urge to merge lives immediately can be tempting. This might manifest as a disregard for personal hobbies, excessive availability, or even modifying behaviours to please the new partner. Such actions often result from an underlying fear of loss or rejection, driving individuals to immense lengths to secure their new relationship.
However, this enmeshment can lead to relationships developing at an unsustainable pace, often not reflecting the true depth or potential longevity of the connection. Moreover, it exposes one to heightened vulnerability should the relationship alter or end, as their entire emotional ecosystem becomes dependent on its survival.
Preserving Your Identity
Maintaining your own identity within the context of a new relationship is crucial. Here are practical steps to ensure you stay true to yourself even as you navigate the complexities of a new romance.
Continue Pursuing Personal Interests
Keep engaged with your hobbies and interests. Whether it's painting, hiking, reading, or other activities that foster your sense of self, continuing these can provide a healthy balance in your life. These activities not only nurture your well-being but also make you a more interesting and well-rounded partner.
Keep Your Social Networks Vibrant
Do not sideline friends and family for the sake of a new relationship. These relationships were part of your life before your new partner and should remain so. Balancing time between your partner and your loved ones is crucial in maintaining healthy boundaries and perspectives.
Communicate Openly and Honestly
From the onset, be clear about your needs and boundaries. This doesn’t mean setting rigid rules for your relationship but rather expressing your feelings, desires, and limits in an open, honest way. Suppressing your true self can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction, which are detrimental to any relationship.
Self-reflection and Awareness
Recognise any tendencies to merge too quickly or intensely in relationships. Awareness is the first step to change, and by acknowledging these patterns, you can make conscious choices that foster healthier relationship dynamics.
Trust the Process
If a relationship is meant to endure, it will not require constant momentum or oversight to survive. True connections will thrive even when both partners maintain their independence and individuality. Trust that taking things slowly can often lead to stronger, more resilient relationship foundations.
Attractiveness of Autonomy
Remember, being an individual with a full, engaging life is inherently attractive. Independence is appealing, and a partner who respects your need for personal space and pursuits is likely one who will foster a supportive and loving relationship.
Balancing the excitement of a new relationship with the maintenance of your own identity is essential. While it's easy to get caught up in the romance, ensuring that you remain true to yourself and your personal values is key to building a sustainable and fulfilling partnership.
Embrace the new connection, enjoy the bliss, but keep your feet firmly planted in your own beautifully complex life. In doing this, you not only maintain your sense of self but also set the stage for a healthier and more balanced relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you found yourself losing your identity in new relationships? Reflect on why this might happen and identify any patterns from past experiences.
Consider the concept of ‘red flags’ discussed in the episode. What might be some personal red flags for you that indicate you are losing yourself in a relationship?
Think about the role of hobbies, friends, and routine in your life. How do you maintain these when entering a new relationship? Do you think prioritizing these aspects of your life could influence the quality of your romantic relationships?
Explore the idea of maintaining boundaries early in a relationship. Have there been times when you didn’t set clear boundaries? What were the consequences, and how could you approach this differently in the future?
Discuss how the excitement of a new relationship can lead to anxiety and insecurity. How can recognizing this early on change how you manage new relationships?
Reflect on times you might have ‘shrunk’ yourself to avoid rocking the boat in a relationship. What did you suppress and why? How did it affect the relationship and your sense of self?
Assess the balance between autonomy and emotional connection in your relationships. Do you find it challenging to maintain your independence while forming deep connections, and how might you better manage this balance?
Consider your approach to communicating needs and desires in a relationship. Are you straightforward, or do you find it challenging? What steps can you take to improve this?
Reflect on the effects of building a relationship based on inauthentic presentations of yourself. What are the long-term impacts of not being true to yourself in a relationship?
Evaluate your recovery process after a relationship where you felt you lost yourself. What strategies helped you reclaim your identity and autonomy?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener question of how to not lose yourself in a new relationship. So this is a pretty common conundrum, I think, particularly among people with anxious attachment patterns. As we know, there is a tendency to really go all in on a new relationship, a new connection that you're really excited about, and that can mean that you neglect other areas of life and can become so laser focused on, you know, the new connection to the exclusion of all else, in a way that crosses over into being maybe not so healthy. So, I think it's a really good question and one that I'm excited to share some thoughts on because I think it'll be relevant to many, many of you who struggle with anxious attachment and notice this pattern within yourself. So, that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder, if you listened to the last episode, that I'm running a 50% off sale, for the next few weeks on all of my master classes and my two courses that are available for sale. So everything including healing anxious attachment, which isn't currently open for enrollment, but you can save 50% off any of those master classes or courses with the code hey baby, all one word, which is a nice little way for me to offer you something while I'm a little less active, while I'm taking care of my new baby, and a way for you to support my work at this very special time if you feel so inclined to. So
[00:02:18]:
okay. Let's talk about how to not lose yourself in a new relationship. So as I said, really, really common, right, that people, and not just anxiously attached people, I should say, I should kind of set the scene a little. I think we need to normalize that new relationships are super exciting for everyone. There's this chemical cocktail that just feels so good, and, you know, the dopamine and, like, all of that, it's just like you know, it does feel like you're kind of intoxicated, by this person, by the excitement, by the pursuit. You know, you light up every time you get a text message from them, and it makes your whole day brighter, and you can't stop thinking about them, and you're so excited to see them next. All of those things. Right? And I don't wanna be, like, the fun police who comes in and says, like, oh, that's all your anxious attachment, and you need to immediately stop all of that because it's bad. I don't think that that's true, true, and I don't think we need to be so extreme in our condemnation of that.
[00:03:21]:
Right? A lot of that is not only normal, but a really lovely part of exploring a new connection. So let's get that out of the way. You don't need to shame yourself for being excited about a new connection. But there is a but. I'm sure you felt that coming. I think we can also acknowledge that for folks with more anxious attachment patterns, it can get a little extreme, the extent to which we are consumed by, you know, this new connection, that feels, you know, not only exciting, but maybe stops us from being able to engage with other areas of our life, or we feel like we don't have interest or capacity to, you know, pay attention at work, or maybe you start canceling on friends, or making sure you're available 247 just in case this new person that you're seeing wants to hang out with you even, you know, in the absence of any actual plans, and kind of really giving over yourself to the relationship, in a way that neglects other areas of life. Now I think the problem with this, in case it's not obvious, is that we can kind of over index on that, and that can not only mean that we take a new relationship at a pace that maybe doesn't match where the relationship is at? You know, we're giving it a level of, you know, attention and intensity, that kind of is a mismatch on how well we know the person, maybe how invested they are in us. But it also makes us really vulnerable to anything going wrong. So, again, I've spoken about this before on the show, but I think where anxiously attached people, in particular, can really struggle is that, you know, you make your whole life about this other person that maybe you've only just started seeing, and all of a sudden, you are kind of your world revolves around them.
[00:05:27]:
You really drop all of the other balls to keep this front and center in your, you know, attention, in your field of vision, then I think that it really raises the stakes and increases the pressure on that connection. Right? So if anything then shifts or changes or, you know, God forbid, the relationship ends, you've got a long way to fall because you've really put that person and that relationship on a pedestal. And, you know, you've maybe neglected the other parts of life that allow you to feel like a healthy, balanced person with, you know, lots going on. When we put all of our eggs in one basket and then, you know, drop the basket, it can feel really devastating, and we can feel really isolated and ashamed and foolish even, if something goes wrong. And I think that then impacts our self worth, which then makes us more likely to do the same thing again next time and so on and so forth. So I think that, you know, the first piece here is knowing that that's something that you do. You know, I've said before I don't really like to use the language of red flags too much, because I think it's a bit overused and, actually, just makes people a bit paranoid and stressed, when they're dating, when they're, you know, on the hunt for red flags. But to the extent that we're gonna talk about red flags, I think talking about your own personal red flags, as in the things that you do at the start of a connection, that, you know, is part of your own pattern of not so healthy relationship stuff.
[00:07:07]:
I think recognizing that, okay, I get really intense and obsessive, and all I wanna do is talk to this person and see this person, you know, I stop working out, or I stop paying attention at my job, or, you know, making plans with friends, or whatever else. I don't ever wanna be unavailable to the new person. All of those things might be part of your kind of red flag profile for yourself, that you can identify and be aware of. So, you know, a lot of the time when people say things to me like, I can't help doing x, I think that, you know, reminding yourself, like, I I I always say to people, like, just kinda drop that story. Right? Stop telling yourself that you have no control and that you can't help it, because I think the more we say that and the more we believe it, it kind of gives us an excuse to just behave in ways that we know are not healthy for us. So, recognising that, okay, yeah, this is part of my pattern. That might be, you know, my muscle memory, my default, but I actually don't have to do that. And, frankly, if I just blindly follow those impulses, then there's a really good chance that I'm gonna get more of what I've gotten in the past.
[00:08:23]:
And if I don't like what I've gotten in the past, then I'm gonna need to do something differently in the way I approach things. And I think for a lot of people, that can feel hard because, again, when you're not only just excited about a connection, but I think with anxious attachment, there tends to be insecurity in there. So it's not just, I'm really excited about this person, but if I don't go at a 1000000 miles an hour, then I'm gonna lose it. It's gonna slip away. They're gonna find someone else. So I kind of need to sink my teeth in and, you know, expedite things to really lock it down, to make sure that, you know, the relationship doesn't go away. I can feel, like, you know, sand slipping through your fingers. So I think that reminding ourselves that, like, if a connection is good and solid and, you know, has the the early signs of being a healthy, secure relationship, it's not going to require, you know, 247 attention and intensity in order to kind of keep their flame burning.
[00:09:28]:
A secure relationship is likely to be much more sturdy and sustainable than that. And I think that, you know, that sense of intensity is usually a hallmark of an insecure relationship more so than a secure one. So as much as it will be uncomfortable, trusting that you can be a bit more, you know, hands off. It's not to say that you have to be, you know, feigning indifference towards this person or being really nonchalant and, you know, cool girl, no worries kind of thing. But certainly, like, trusting that you can do other things, and that it's actually, I would argue, more attractive, to be a person with a full life, who takes good care of themselves and has hobbies and does things on their own and has friendship groups, I think that that is much more attractive than someone who is, you know, willing to drop everything for someone they've just met, and be available 100% of the time and, you know, go with the flow. I don't have any preferences. I don't have anything in my schedule. I'm just here waiting, ready for you.
[00:10:43]:
I don't know that that's as attractive as, we might think it is. So I think that, you know, not losing yourself in a relationship when you have these patterns does require some deliberate, you know, departures from what might come naturally to you. So as I've said, not just dropping everything, continuing to spend time with other people. I think another piece is being really clear from the outside around, you know, what your needs are and what your boundaries are, not in a way where you have to, kind of, storm into a new relationship and, like, set out a charter of all of your needs and boundaries. I think, again, this is one of those areas where we can pendulum swing and go a bit overboard. But just not, I suppose, not, going into that people pleasing mode of suppressing everything in order to earn someone's affection, and then harboring resentment or finding yourself in the situation, you know, a month in, 3 months in, 6 months in, or more, where you've got all of these unmet needs and you've pretended to be fine with lots of things that you weren't actually fine with, and all of a sudden you're in a relationship that's really not making you happy, that feels really inauthentic. And, you know, that's largely of your own creation because you didn't advocate for yourself, and you weren't honest and vulnerable from the outset. So, I think that, you know, that's another version of losing yourself in a relationship, kind of shrinking, we could say, in order to not rock the boat, in order to keep the peace, in order to seem low maintenance and easy and likable, that can really come back to bite us.
[00:12:30]:
So allowing yourself to take up space, to have opinions, to have preferences, to the extent that, you know, those are authentic to you. Trust that the person that you're building a relationship with is gonna wanna know about those things and is going to, you know, want to invest in you enough to, kinda, meet you in the middle rather than feeling like you have to, you know, become very, very small in order to sustain a relationship because that tends not to end very well. So I hope that that's been helpful if you're someone who does tend to lose themselves in a new relationship. Recapping, I think the the key pieces of this are, don't drop everything in your life to make yourself completely available to this new person. You know, really make a concerted effort to continue doing things that make you feel like yourself, whether that's certain routines or hobbies or things that you like to do in your free time, friendships, family, work, all of the things that, you know, are the pillars of your life that, you know, existed prior to this new connection. Don't just abandon all of that because in abandoning all of that, you are kind of abandoning that which makes up yourself and your life. So it's no surprise that you then feel like you've lost yourself in a new relationship if your tendency is to drop all of those things, to orbit around this new person and the new connection. So make a really concerted effort to continue with all of that.
[00:14:04]:
Of course, you can make space for a new person. Of course, you can be excited about them. I'm not trying to steal the joy of the honeymoon period at all, but it can coexist alongside in continuing with those healthy habits. We don't have to, go to the extreme levels of it being 1 or the other. And the second key piece is, you know, make sure that you don't kind of shrink yourself in terms of your needs, your boundaries, your preferences, your values in order to, you know, earn someone's approval or sustain a connection, because doing so is really, you know, it's founded on kind of a mask on inauthenticity. And if that's the basis upon which the relationship is built, then it's not the right relationship. It's, kind of, built on a lie. And, you know, it's a really surefire way to lose yourself in a relationship is to allow that relationship to be built based on a version of you that is not true, and that will leave you feeling very lonely and resentful, and unfulfilled.
[00:15:17]:
So okay. So hope that's been helpful. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:26]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment patterns, new relationship, anxious attachment, relationship advice, maintaining self, healthy relationships, listener question, personal growth, self-care, boundaries in relationships, emotional health, relationship coach, nurturing connections, self-worth, relationship pacing, insecurity, dopamine effects, excitement in relationships, relationship intensity, vulnerability, personal development, master classes, relationship courses, self-discovery, maintaining friendships, behaviors in relationships, setting boundaries, codependency, relationship dynamics, personal fulfillment
Reflections on Self-Trust, Control & Surrender
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some reflections from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth on self-trust, control and surrender. These are themes that most folks with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, and learning to trust in your capacity to navigate life's ups and downs with confidence and agency is a huge step on the path to building secure attachment.
For more episodes on building trust, check out:
Ep 124: On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Life Through Self-Trust, Control, and Surrender
In the intricate dance of life, particularly during transformative phases like pregnancy or major life changes, the concepts of self-trust, control, and surrender become profoundly resonant. Each of these elements plays a unique role in how we manage our internal landscapes and external relationships. Understanding and embracing these aspects can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilled existence.
The Essence of Self-Trust
Self-trust is foundational in our journey towards self-awareness and self-compassion. It acts as the inner compass that guides us through life's uncertainties. When we trust ourselves, we believe in our ability to confront and overcome challenges, to make decisions that align with our core values, and to maintain our path even when external circumstances attempt to swerve us off course.
Developing self-trust is not about achieving perfection or eliminating doubt entirely; rather, it's about building a reliable relationship with oneself. It instils a confidence that allows us to navigate fear, stress, and anxiety more effectively. This is especially crucial for those with insecure attachment styles, where fear of abandonment or engulfment can often dictate reactive patterns in relationships.
The Illusion of Control
Control is a seductive illusion that promises safety but often leads to rigidity and fear. It thrives on the misconception that we can safeguard ourselves against all potential harm by managing every variable. However, this is merely a coping mechanism used to comfort anxious minds.
In reality, control can trap us in cycles of behaviour that keep us from genuinely connecting with others or fully engaging with life. Whether it's micromanaging a partner or meticulously planning every aspect of one’s daily routine, over-reliance on control can stifle the spontaneity and authenticity needed for vibrant relationships.
The Power of Surrender
On the flip side of control is surrender, a concept that many might find intimidating. Surrender does not entail giving up or admitting defeat; rather, it involves acknowledging that we are not the omnipotent directors of our lives. It means accepting the natural flow of life, embracing its unpredictability, and being open to outcomes beyond our meticulous plans.
Surrender requires a deep level of trust—not just in oneself, but also in the process of life. It invites vulnerability, allowing ourselves to experience life in its full depth, without the armour of absolute control. In relationships, surrender might look like releasing the need to fix or change the other person, instead accepting them as they are and fostering a mutual growth that respects both partners’ autonomy.
Self-Trust and Surrender in Life’s Challenges
Consider the example of dealing with an unexpected life event, such as an unplanned scenario during a significant life transition. This situation can serve as an opportunity to exercise self-trust and to navigate changes with flexibility and grace. By focusing on what can be controlled — our reactions and our mindset — and surrendering to the process, we create space for resilience and unexpected joys.
Building self-trust empowers us to adapt more easily to the shifts life throws our way. It also softens the edges of our need to control, allowing for a more surrender-driven approach to life's challenges. This doesn't undermine our agency; rather, it enhances our ability to move through life with wisdom and courage.
Embracing Imperfection and Unpredictability
Life is inherently unpredictable, and a part of building self-trust is learning to be at peace with this uncertainty. This means embracing imperfection in ourselves and our circumstances, and understanding that life’s value doesn’t diminish because it doesn’t always conform to our expectations.
Embracing imperfection also allows us to experience greater empathy and compassion towards ourselves and others. It acknowledges our shared human experience, filled with its highs and lows, and can deepen our relationships built on genuine, unconditional acceptance.
Conclusion
The interplay of self-trust, control, and surrender shapes our personal growth and our interactions with others. Cultivating a strong sense of self-trust can mitigate our need for control, paving the way for healthier relational dynamics based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than fear and manipulation. Likewise, learning to surrender to the unpredictability of life can liberate us from the constraints of our own limited perspectives and open up a world of possibilities. In nurturing these qualities, we not only enhance our personal resilience but also foster deeper connections that are built to last.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. Reflect on the moments when you’ve felt the need to exercise control in a relationship or a situation. Can you identify what triggers this need for control? Do you see a connection between these moments and your feelings of security or insecurity?
2. Stephanie discusses the concept of surrendering as part of her birth experience. In what areas of your life do you find it difficult to surrender? What do you think holds you back from letting go?
3. Consider your own journey with building self-trust. What are some key experiences that have either fortified or challenged your trust in yourself?
4. Stephanie mentions the impact of unforeseen changes in her birth plan on her emotional state. Think of a time when something did not go according to your plan. How did you handle the situation? What might this reveal about your relationship with control and trust?
5. How do you generally respond to discomfort or challenges? Reflect on whether this approach has evolved over time. What might have influenced any changes in how you deal with discomfort?
6. Examine your reactions to risks and unknowns in relationships. Do you tend to retreat to safety, or can you embrace vulnerability? How does this impact your relationships?
7. Stephanie speaks about the ripple effects of building a relationship with oneself. Can you think of an example from your own life where personal growth in one area has unexpectedly benefited another area of your life?
8. Looking at your attachment patterns, whether anxious or avoidant, how might these patterns influence your need for control in relationships? How could fostering self-trust help alleviate this need?
9. Reflect on the concept of 'meeting parts of oneself that were previously unknown' as Stephanie describes during her birth experience. Have you had a similar experience where a particularly intense challenge revealed aspects of yourself you weren’t aware of?
10. Think about the balance of planning and adaptability in your life. How do you manage the tension between preparing and being open to unexpected outcomes? How could enhancing self-trust help in balancing these dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:33]:
A little while since the last episode, which I really apologise for. It was not my intention to have almost a month off, but as some of you would know from Instagram, if you follow me there or you might just have guessed, I had a baby two and a half weeks ago, which was a little bit earlier than expected. I had originally planned to have lots of podcast episodes planned and recorded and scheduled and ready to go so that they would keep rolling on when I took some time off to have a baby. But I think I overestimated how much capacity I would have in those final weeks of pregnancy. And that, combined with the fact that our little boy came a couple of weeks earlier than expected, meant that I didn't have any of those things that I had, hoped to. So we've had a little bit of a break the past few weeks. Everything is going well. Ollie, our little boy, is just gorgeous, and we've been really, really loving soaking up the newborn bubble, which has been so very sweet and exhausting and full on and perfectly lovely.
[00:01:41]:
So, thank you for your patience in this little hiatus that I've had the past month or so, but I'm really glad to be back today to offer some lessons in self trust, control, and surrender, which are themes that I've touched on before on the show, but really have been on my mind in this whole experience of pregnancy, birth, and the first couple of weeks of motherhood. And so, while this isn't an episode about those things, and you don't have to be pregnant or you don't have to have had a baby in order to relate to what I'm going to share, I thought that I'd offer some reflections based on this experience that I've recently gone through. So, you know, I talk a lot about self trust and really how having done the work of cultivating pretty deep self trust, and releasing control, and that's, you know, work that I've done personally over the past few years, how that allowed me to navigate pregnancy and birth, including, you know, certain unforeseen things, things that weren't part of the plan. How that allowed me to navigate those things with a level of trust and confidence and faith in my ability to navigate that, without, you know, crumbling into fear or stress or panic, because something wasn't part of the plan. And, you know, I think that there's lessons in this for most anyone with insecure attachment patterns, because as we'll touch on, I think whether you lean more anxious or more avoidant in your attachment patterns, control is probably something that you lean upon as a way to create a semblance of safety for yourself, when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling threatened, when you're feeling out of control. We all have our different mechanisms that we can rely on, whether that's controlling others or controlling our environment, you know, holding others close or pushing them away. But oftentimes, those control mechanisms actually cement us in the patterns that we're trying to shift, rather than actually being constructive in the direction of what we're trying to create now, you know, relationships with ourselves and others. So, gonna be offering some reflections on that today.
[00:04:13]:
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share that for the next month or so, I decided to run a 50% off sale for all of my master classes and my two courses. It doesn't include healing anxious attachment, which isn't open for registration at the moment, but everything else on my website is 50% off for the next month or so, with the code Hey baby, all one word. So if you are interested in any of those master classes, I've got master classes on building trust, which is sort of in alignment with today's theme, navigating anxious avoidant relationships, boundaries, and also sex and attachment. And then Higher Love, my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course or relationship course. All of those are 50% off for the next month with the code, hey, baby. So if you're interested in any of those, now would be a great time, and I'll link all of that in the show notes for you. Okay. So let's talk about self trust, control, and surrender.
[00:05:14]:
Now, as I've spoken about so many times before, for me, self trust has been absolutely formative in my relationship with myself. And, you know, that journey for me from insecure attachment, from anxious attachment, to feeling a pretty strong sense of security. Now, as I've said before, that doesn't mean that I never feel anxious, that I never feel stressed, that I never have those, you know, fear driven thoughts. Those patterns are pretty etched in, and those voices can pop up from time to time. But having built up a foundation of self trust has really allowed me to not only navigate those fears, those old wounds within my relationship, but it's had such a ripple effect into my life more broadly. Because I think that oftentimes when we have fear and particularly insecure attachment type fear, the internal dialogue, whether it's, you know, literally there or it's kind of buried underneath whatever the surface level fears are, is, you know, something perhaps gonna happen, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. I'm gonna be trapped. I'm gonna be helpless.
[00:06:32]:
I'm going to be alone, and, you know, backed up against the wall with my hands tied, and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it. So for someone with more anxious patterns, it's, you know, might be that someone's gonna leave me or I'm gonna be trapped in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about me, who's never gonna show up for me, and I'm gonna, you know, be fighting against this for the rest of my life, and you're never going to be able to meet my needs. All of those things, the sense of being lonely within the relationship, feeling emotionally abandoned and powerless to do anything the the fear around helplessness and a loss of control tends to be, you know, I'm gonna be trapped in an unfulfilling relationship or an imperfect one where I'm gonna lose myself and, you know, I'm just going to be unhappy and life's going to feel really empty. And that feels terrifying. You know, what if I'm trapped in a loveless relationship or or whatever? And so these different fears around a loss of control and a feeling of helplessness can really be very persuasive, can be very all encompassing. And I think that they ultimately do boil down to a lack of self trust, this sense of, you know, something is going to happen that is beyond my control, and I'm gonna be powerless in the face of that. And I think oftentimes those stories are coming from young parts of us, right, Parts that forget that we have agency, and we have choice, and we have tools available. I think that, you know, that feeling of powerlessness and being kind of small and helpless, is not coming from our wise adult self.
[00:08:23]:
It's coming from something, you know, that goes further back than that. And there's often, you know, if we dig into it, we can find where does this originate within me, this fear story that feels so true and so big and all encompassing. But I think because of that, because that undercurrent of a lack of self trust is so pervasive in insecure attachment, building self trust is really, really key, in shifting those patterns. And that allows us to not only feel more at peace in our relationships, but really trust in the unfolding, trust in, you know, imperfection, trust in the ebb and flow of life, of relationships, rather than seeing every little thing as a warning sign that the worst is coming, you know, that this is exactly what I feared, and it's all gonna unravel. And, again, I'm gonna be trapped. So I wanted to share a little about my recent experience with self trust and and releasing control, arising from my pregnancy and my birth. So I had a really, really beautiful pregnancy. I absolutely loved being pregnant.
[00:09:39]:
I know that's, not everyone's experience, and I know that a lot of people raise their eyebrows at me when I say that. I'm, you know, just 2 weeks postpartum, and I already really miss being pregnant despite having my beautiful baby boy to keep me busy. But I think that, you know, part of that experience of of really loving pregnancy, I was feeling so connected to myself, feeling, you know, very little fear or anxiety around birth itself. I know that a lot of people really struggle with the mindset aspect of birth because there's been, you know, so much fear programmed into pregnancy and birth. And so a lot of people really struggle to trust in that process. But I think for me, I was really excited throughout my whole pregnancy to experience birth. Again, that might sound crazy to some people who, you know, whether you've given birth yourself and it wasn't a good experience or you've not given birth and you, like most people, have just seen the depictions of birth that, you know, dominate mainstream TV shows and and movies and and the rest of it, and it shows birth as being this, you know, horrible experience to be endured rather than, you know, anything positive. But for me, I was really looking forward to the opportunity in birth to meet parts of myself that I hadn't met before, that you know, I hadn't been brought into contact with.
[00:11:17]:
And, like, yes, I knew it was gonna be intense and challenging, but I think that, again, for me, having done a lot of work over the past few years around my relationship with myself, I relate to discomfort and challenge and intensity very differently to how I once did. You know, not that long ago in my life, maybe, you know, 5 years ago, I really shied away from anything that was uncomfortable. I was very happily, you know, nestled inside my comfort zone, and, I just didn't really push it at all. But that also kept my life very small. And so, you know, having done work around this, around building self trust, around building like, faith in my own capacity to navigate hard things, meant that I was really looking forward to that opportunity, to really dig deep and to be, you know, to really be pushed to the edge of what I knew I was capable of and to experience the depth of that intensity, and, you know, stay in that and really prove to myself what what was possible. And so for me, birth was something that I was very much looking forward to. I had been planning a home birth with my beautiful midwife. And for me, home birth was, you know, an opportunity to kind of let birth do its thing without intervention or interruption or, you know, really trusting in my body's capacity to give birth when it felt safe.
[00:13:10]:
Unfortunately, towards the end of my pregnancy, my blood pressure started creeping up. And at 38 weeks, I developed preeclampsia, which is a blood pressure related complication for anyone who's not familiar. And that meant that I was not able to have a home birth anymore. I had to transfer to hospital and be induced, which was really disappointing because I really, really wanted to give birth at home. For me, that was so important to my whole vision around birth and my own sense of safety and trust. And I really didn't wanna have an induction for me. That was just a lot of intervention. You know, giving birth in the hospital, I know that that's a really comfortable environment for a lot of people.
[00:14:00]:
For me, it's just not. And so there were a lot of things about that late change in plans that were stressful for me. And I really, you know, had a lot of resistance and a lot of kind of fear and stress around it. And yet, I knew that if I allowed that mindset to take hold, that sense of this wasn't the plan, this isn't how it's meant to be, it's all gonna go to shit now. You know, I I don't have any control over this. And if I allow myself to kind of panic around that, then I would be giving up a lot of my power. And I didn't wanna do that. So I really had to put myself to the test in terms of mindset, and remind myself that, you know, while this wasn't what I'd hoped for, this wasn't the plan.
[00:14:57]:
There were still things that were within my control. I still had capacity to make certain choices within the new parameters of, you know, the situation, the circumstances. And it didn't have to be this all or nothing thing. It didn't have to be, well, there was plan a, but I can't do that now. So plan b, I just have to completely give up on what I was hoping for and what I wanted. And so I, again, really had to dig deep on the mindset front, and not really allow myself to just crumble into the circumstances that were disappointing to me and that sense of grief around not being able to birth at home. And I really think that, you know, in the end, I I had a beautiful birth in hospital. Again, it wasn't the vision, you know, like being hooked up to a drip and all of those things, were not part of the plan.
[00:15:57]:
But I still had a beautiful, unmedicated intervention free, as much as was possible, birth. And it really did allow me to dig into the depths of myself to come into contact with parts of myself that I didn't know were there. And it was bloody hard. It was really, really intense and, you know, more so than I could have imagined. But it was incredibly powerful, and I really believe that my ability to have that experience was a result of my self trust. And, you know, I don't think that we really can surrender without trust. And so whether that's something that resonates with you in the context of a relationship, whether you struggle to let go of control, whether you maybe have the view that, you know, you have to make sure that everything's perfect and certain before you surrender, which I think is a common one. It's like, oh, yeah.
[00:17:11]:
I'll I'll surrender once I've eliminated all risk, which kind of defeats the purpose, right? There's no vulnerability without risk. There's no surrender when we feel like we're in absolute control. It's actually only vulnerable to the extent that we are stepping into some level of unknown and risk, and trusting in spite of that and being courageous in spite of that. So I wanted to share that with you, some reflections on self trust and control and surrender from my recent experience of pregnancy and birth, whether you are in that season of life and this is kind of directly applicable to you in that sense, or whether the pregnancy and birth aspect is completely irrelevant to you, but you struggle with those things in relationships. I suppose I offer this as a reminder of how pervasive and deeply important it is to prioritise these aspects of our relationship to self, and how building that up can have really beautiful but unintended consequences or ripple effects in other areas of life, beyond our relationships. I do have a few other episodes around, you know, more of the how on building self trust, which I'll link in the show notes for anyone who wants to dig into that. As I mentioned, I also have a whole masterclass on building trust, which, covers both trust in relationships and self trust, which along with everything else is available at 50% off for the next month or so, while I'm taking some time and space to hang out with my beautiful baby boy. So I'm gonna do my very best to record a few episodes so that there's not such a big gap between this and the next.
[00:19:19]:
But that will be a matter of controlling what I can control, which at the moment, I cannot control the, feeding and but thank you and thank you for all of the well wishes and beautiful messages that I've received from so many of you on Instagram and elsewhere. I really appreciate your support and all of the love of this community. It means the world to me, so thank you for joining me. I hope that this has been helpful for you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self trust, control, surrender, pregnancy, birth, motherhood, insecurity, relationship coach, podcast, personal growth, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, parenting, newborn care, self-reflection, overcoming fear, mindset, personal development, relationship advice, coaching, online courses, master classes, couples therapy, navigating relationships, boundaries, self-improvement, health
What to Do When a Partner Pulls Away
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to navigate a partner pulling away. If you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, a partner's withdrawal or disengagement can feel extremely distressing - and yet, many of our go-to strategies for managing that distress can ironically have the effect of pushing someone further away.
We'll cover:
What to do when someone pulls away in an early dating context
Why we feel drawn to pursuing connections with people who are inconsistent
How to navigate a partner repeatedly leaving and coming back
What to do when a long-term partner is emotionally withdrawn or distant
Navigating Emotional Distancing in Relationships
Relationships are a dynamic journey replete with ebbs and flows. Emotional distancing, where one partner withdraws or pulls away, can be a bewildering and painful experience. Handling this situation sensitively is key to fostering resilience in the relationship and within oneself.
The Early Stages of Dating: Responding to Withdrawal
When a budding connection seems to cool without warning, it often breeds confusion and distress. In early dating scenarios, direct communication is crucial. One might feel inclined to skirt around the issue, fearfully tiptoeing to avoid perceived rejection or abandoning the budding connection. However, clear and non-confrontational queries about any perceived change in behaviour can provide much-needed clarity.
It is helpful to consider your own reactions to withdrawal. Why does this withdrawal seem to beckon you into a chase? A confident, secure individual views inconsistency and flakiness as signs of a poor fit and a lack of reciprocity. On the other hand, someone who harbours self-doubt may perceive these as personal failures and an invitation to attempt to amend or adapt.
The Significance of Communicating Needs
With less invested connections, maturity in communication can open doors to understanding and potentially mending what may simply be a misunderstanding or a partner's personal issues. Presenting your observations without drama or over-emphasis can pave the way for an open dialogue – or alternatively give you the insights you need to make a decision about moving on.
Mixed signals should be a signal in themselves. Rather than obsessing over piecing together contradictory messages, it may be more constructive to recognise the red flags inherent in confusion and hesitancy. Prioritising someone who appreciates and invests in your time and emotions is essential.
Within Committed Relationships: Boundaries and Understanding
Within an established relationship, repeated cycles of pulling away and returning can create turbulence and emotional insecurity. Addressing this behaviour directly, with empathy and firmness, is paramount. It's vital to convey how such patterns impact your sense of safety within the relationship and assert boundaries regarding the permanence and stability you require.
The legitimacy of one's feelings when asserting boundaries must be acknowledged. Guidelines can be set in the spirit of nurturing the relationship, rather than as ultimatums that enforce control. Collaboration to address underlying issues and establish healthier coping mechanisms can strengthen the bond, allowing for steadier navigation through rough emotional waters.
Emotional Retreat: A Partner's Quiet Withdrawal
When one's partner becomes emotionally reticent without threatening the relationship's foundation, a different approach is warranted. A withdrawal can occur due to a myriad of reasons—stress, personal contemplation, mood fluctuations—and doesn't necessarily signal problems within the relationship.
Giving your partner the space to process their emotions without undue pressure can lead to a quicker and healthier resolution. It demonstrates trust in their ability to manage their internal state. Moreover, it is an opportunity for self-growth, finding comfort in one's own company and drawing strength from independence.
The confluence of personal growth and empathetic support often leads to a more resilient relationship, where temporary withdrawal does not precipitate a crisis but is seen as a natural part of the human condition. This mature outlook enables both partners to maintain a sense of personal integrity while being emotionally tuned in to each other.
Conclusion: Cultivating Resilience and Empathy
What is clear is that the journey of any relationship involves traversing paths of connection and moments of solitude. Understanding the nuances of emotional withdrawal, whether it is temporary or indicative of deeper issues, can make a significant difference in how we respond to our partner's needs and our own.
The bedrock of a thriving relationship is empathy, communication, and respect for each person's emotional landscape. By practising direct communication, self-awareness, and tolerance for the natural rhythms of intimacy, we can navigate the complex dance of human relationships with grace and resilience, fostering deeper connections with others and ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you typically respond when you sense a partner starting to pull away? Reflect on the emotions this triggers in you, and consider where these feelings might be rooted in your past experiences.
2. Think about a time when a partner's withdrawal made you feel the need to 'fix' the situation immediately. Is this reaction based more on your discomfort with disconnection, or on genuine concern for your partner's well-being?
3. When someone you've been casually dating begins to show less interest, do you find yourself trying harder to regain their attention? Explore your motivations behind this and consider what it means for your sense of self-worth.
4. Can you identify a cycle of breakups and reunions in your current or past relationships? Reflect on how this pattern affected your emotional security and the overall health of the relationship.
5. Consider the notion that mixed signals could be a red flag rather than a challenge to overcome. How does this perspective shift the way you might approach inconsistencies in someone's behaviour during the early stages of dating?
6. Reflect on your boundaries: If you've experienced repeated patterns of a partner threatening to leave the relationship, what are some healthy boundaries you might set going forward? How would you communicate these to your partner?
7. Recall an instance when a significant other was emotionally distant due to their own issues. How did you handle giving them space while maintaining your own emotional well-being?
8. Discuss how self-reliance plays a role in allowing a partner to have their space. How can you better resource yourself when you feel a tendency to become tethered to your partner's mood and emotional state?
9. Have you ever found yourself persisting in a relationship despite clear signs of a partner's disinterest or inconsistent investment? If so, what did it take for you to shift your focus from trying to salvage the connection to prioritizing your own well-being?
10. Think about a relationship in which you felt safe to express doubts or insecurities without fearing abandonment. Contrast this with a relationship where such safety was not present. What can you learn from these experiences in fostering security within your current or future relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about what to do when your partner pulls away or withdraws. So this is a question that I have received in many forms, many times from people in my community. And I think it's a big question because obviously it spans so many different sets of circumstances and contexts. And so in answering this question and sharing some thoughts around this, I'm going to split it up into different scenarios. So if someone that you're in the early stages of dating starts to pull away, you know, that's a very different scenario to if someone you've been in a long term relationship with for a couple of years is being withdrawn and pulling away. And I think while it might activate similar circuitry within you, I think what is appropriate in terms of how you respond to that might be different, and my advice would probably differ.
[00:01:28]:
So I'm going to speak to those different versions of the scenario where someone that you're in a relationship with or connected with, is pulling away. And while I haven't explicitly made this about anxious and avoidant attachment, I think it would be fair to say that I'm mostly speaking to people who probably lean more anxious here and have been in the situation of having someone who leans more avoidant, pulling away. As we know, that's the more typical scenario. So while it's not exclusively that, and of course, there will always be variations on the theme, that's probably in most cases going to be what we're talking about today. Before I dove into today's episode, I just wanted to share I've done a really terrible job at sharing this, but there is a YouTube channel that I created a little while ago that we've been uploading podcast recordings to. So you can find me on YouTube if you're someone who likes to watch. We've been uploading full length episodes, but also shorter clips from both recent episodes and then more archive stuff from a little while back. So if you're a YouTuber, it would be super helpful for me in growing on that platform.
[00:02:40]:
If you would check it out, it's I think my handle is just . You know, like, subscribe, engage all of that. And you know, as I said, if you're someone who appreciates having something to watch in addition to having something to listen to, definitely go check me out on YouTube. The second announcement in a similar vein, which is also me being very terrible at sharing this is I've had a few people ask me about transcripts and other things for the podcast. The podcast actually has its own website. So if you go to on attachment.com, we have a page for every episode. And on those pages, we have not only the show notes, and links to other resources, but we have full transcripts of the episodes, and even, like, discussion questions, reflection questions that arise out of the topic of the episode. Read sometimes get reviews and feedback from people saying that they want to listen and relisten and go back and take notes and, you know, write things down.
[00:03:37]:
If you're someone who likes to engage with the podcast in that manner, on attachment.com is a really great resource for you and and has a lot of stuff there. So those are 2 announcements that I've been meaning to make for a long time, that I've been doing a very terrible job at telling people that those things exist, but those resources are there for anyone who wants them and, of course, totally free. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner or someone that you're seeing pulls away and withdraws. And I think, as always, I like to kind of set the scene by validating how hard this can be and why it's hard, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns. So as we know, and I've talked about this to death on the podcast, so I won't spend too much time on it. If you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, closeness, proximity, connection equals safety. And so to have someone that you're in relationship with pull away and that can be in really explicit or overt ways in that they disappear, or they say they need space or something quite upfront, or it could be the more subtle shifts in energy that you are likely very highly attuned to and very almost hypervigilant or, you know, super perceptive to any change in temperature or energy within the relationship.
[00:05:01]:
That's likely to send your system into some level of disarray, because we know that any kind of loss of connection or shift in connection feels like a precursor to abandonment, rejection, you know, aloneness in a way that is likely to be really triggering and upsetting and stressful for you. And so you might notice that at the slightest hint of disconnection, your system goes into full on, I need to fix this mode, whether that's by you know, trying to close the gap or testing or probing or, you know, if you've got an inkling that something's wrong, then know, asking your partner a 1000000 times what's wrong? Are you sure nothing's wrong? Really seeking that reassurance. And you know, that can be in and of itself a really stressful experience for you. Now adding to that, if someone really is pulling away and you feel increasingly sort of powerless and stressed and overwhelmed, obviously, that's not a nice place to be. And you probably don't need me to tell you that continuing to sort of grab at someone, whether literally or figuratively, you know, pushing them away is often what ends up happening, when that's the opposite of what we wanna do. We're actually trying to get some safety for ourselves, but the way that we go about it will often have the effect of pushing someone further away when they're already disengaging for whatever reason. So as I said in the introduction, I think it's useful to delineate here between different sorts of circumstances because, you know, if my partner of several years is being withdrawn, then obviously I'm gonna approach that in a very different way to if I was, you know, chatting with someone who I'd been on 2 dates with and they started to pull away or or send mixed messages. And I think that, you know, to lump them all in the same category would be reductive and and probably unhelpful.
[00:06:59]:
So I'm going to start by talking about the more casual situation where you know in a dating context, if you've connected with someone, you know, maybe you've been chatting a lot, maybe like you're really, really excited and it feels really good and you've been on a couple of dates, maybe you've even, you know, slept together or or whatever, but, like, it's feeling like there's momentum there. And then suddenly things start to shift and they start to be a little distant. They start to pull away. Maybe they're less available. You know, they're suddenly making excuses for why they can't see you. The tone of their messages changes, all of those sorts of things, which unfortunately, I think happens quite a lot. And I'm sure a lot of you are nodding your head and feeling quite seen by that situation because I know that in in the dating world, it is unfortunately quite common for people to pull away without necessarily directly communicating. And as I said, you know, all of that is likely to really be very jarring and quite distressing for you, particularly if you're someone with more anxious attachment patterns, whose tendency, I suppose, is to internalize all of that and go, what have I done wrong? You know, did they decide they didn't like me? You know, what changed? And kind of go into overdrive trying to find the answers to that and, you know, reverse engineer a solution.
[00:08:18]:
And oftentimes that revolves around how can I change myself or, you know, make them like me again? And so it becomes this attempt at earning someone's approval, working really, really, really hard to restore whatever connection was there that feels like it's slipping away from you. So what do you do in that situation where someone who you've kind of been casually seeing or there's been, you know, the early stages of a connection with starts to be a bit distant and pulling away. So I think that you're probably not going to like this answer because it's not an answer that is like a hack to get them to reengage. Right. But there's a few pieces here that I want to point to, and I think one of them is just communicate. And, you know, I think you can name what you're feeling without going too overboard with it or being too grave or serious. You can simply call out, hey, it feels like you've been a little withdrawn the past few days, weeks, whatever is appropriate. Just wondering whether everything's okay.
[00:09:27]:
Wanted to check-in. Let me know how you're feeling or whether you'd like to chat. And I think that you can generally gauge from someone's response to something like that where they're at. And if they come back with more kind of flakiness or distance, then that's probably very telling. Or, you know, they might be able to give you insight into something else that's going on in their life that it gives a little context for why they've been distant, at which point you can be sympathetic and then say that you'd, you know, love to hear from them a little more frequently or catch up or whatever. So being mature and communicate directly is a good first port of call. I know that that's probably counterintuitive for most people because again, particularly among those with more anxious patterns, the tendency to think that you've done something wrong and then worry that you're pushing someone away by being too clingy means that you're disinclined to communicate directly and advocate for yourself and just be upfront. And you tend to go for the more indirect sideways approaches of trying to gather information without, you know, opening yourself up to potential rejection, I suppose, is probably the best way to put it.
[00:10:36]:
And just asking someone outright, you know, are you still interested? How are you feeling? What's going on? You seem to be withdrawn. Can feel much more vulnerable than just, you know, tiptoeing around it and trying to figure out what's going on, but not in a way that exposes you to that potential rejection, and all of the uncomfortable feelings that might come with it. But I think that the cost of that tiptoeing is that we end up persisting in the face of someone's disinterest, right, or someone's lack of investment in us. And I think that that is very costly to our sense of self confidence, self esteem, self worth. So the direct communication approach, I think, is a really good one. The other piece that I wanted to speak to and I've sort of already alluded to it, is that it's it's really important to reflect on what it is about someone's disinterest that is so enticing to us. And as I say enticing, I don't mean like directly exciting in a conscious sense, but we have to get a bit curious about, you know, why someone sending mixed signals, someone not really showing that much interest, why does that feel like an invitation for us to try harder to get them to show interest, to prove ourselves, to earn their love, to, you know, be better, be different, be otherwise? Because I think the the secure person doesn't feel so seduced by that game. A secure person sees someone's lack of investment or someone's inconsistency or flakiness, as an indicator that that's not a great fit and that there's a lack of reciprocity in that dynamic and that it's maybe not worth investing in because they don't feel terribly respected by this person in terms of themselves, but also their time and energy.
[00:12:25]:
Whereas I think when we're coming from a foundation of low self worth, that does feel like this seductive challenge almost of they're giving me some attention, or they were giving me attention, but now they're not. So how do I get back to that place? What can I do? What can I change? How can I be towards them that will bring us back into connection? Because I've internalized the loss of connection as being a comment on my worth, as being my fault, as being something, you know, wrong with me. And so I have to restore that so that I don't feel like there's something wrong with me. All of that to say, I think a lot of it is our own work and our own self reflection. There's a lot there to explore and understand about ourselves. Why is this appealing to me? Why do I find myself? Particularly if this is a repeated pattern for you and you are continually finding yourself in this situation of persisting in the face of someone's lukewarm attention or very hot and cold inconsistent flakiness, why do I see that as something worth pursuing rather than just spending my time and energy with the people who are interested in me? So I think that in summary, in that early dating kind of scenario, be upfront in communicating. I think the other thing, and I've said this before, sometimes rather than trying to decipher which of someone's mixed signals are the truth, If someone's saying one thing and then saying another thing, I think that actually just realizing that the fact of someone's very mixed communication, inconsistent messaging, if you're racking your brains, feeling really confused and full of doubt at the very early stages of a relationship, is that something that you want to continue to invest in? Because that's a pretty big red flag at the outset for you to be feeling so unsure of how they feel about you, how invested they are. And so I think that when we kind of march past those signals and then later wonder, you know, where it all went wrong, maybe we're not being fully honest with ourselves about what was apparent in those early stages and what we were willing to look past in the interest of maintaining a connection because it felt good.
[00:14:44]:
So I want to pivot now to the other scenario, which is, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone and they are pulling away, withdrawing. And when I say relationship, again, there's a 1,000,001 different variations of what that could look like. But something that is, you know, committed and, you know, clear that you are together. It doesn't have to be super long term, but at least there's some clarity that you're in a relationship and and the level of investment and kind of mutual understanding there. And I think that when someone pulls away in this scenario, again, there's sort of different branches of the tree because pulling away might be, you know, someone actually saying I need space or I don't know about being in this relationship anymore, you know, actually trying to maybe end the relationship and then coming back again. Or it might just be someone kind of emotionally withdrawing while still in the relationship. So I think in a scenario where someone is repeatedly pulling away in the sense of saying, you know, I need space or I'm not sure about this. I don't know if this is going to work out, you know, actually going and then coming back again, in a way that feels like it's leaving the existence of the relationship in question in some way.
[00:15:55]:
You know, are we actually still together? Or it's, undermining that really, the foundation of the relationship. I think in that scenario, boundaries and kind of a firm conversation around that is really, really important. I've said this before, I think threatening a breakup or having cycles in a relationship where you repeatedly break up and get back together is just so detrimental. It's virtually impossible to build a secure relationship where that is a theme that is recurring in particularly in your conflicts, if that's always on the table or, you know, if that's where things escalate to every time they escalate, then it's impossible to have any emotional safety. It's impossible to have really vulnerable conversations because there's always this existential threat looming over the relationship. And so it's really easy to go, you know, I don't wanna say that thing because I don't want it to escalate in that direction because I don't wanna lose the relationship. And so I think it creates this this culture inside a relationship of suppression and hiding and tiptoeing, followed by these big blowouts and then no adequate repair. And it really is very, very hard to build anything sustainable or healthy from that place.
[00:17:07]:
So if it were me and my partner were going through cycles of saying, you know, I don't think I can do this or, you know, I need space. So I think we should take time apart or whatever again and again and coming back and going again. I think the for me, it would be a very firm boundary of I understand whatever, you know, doubts you might be having, and I don't wanna make you wrong for that. But equally, it's very challenging for me to persist in this environment of uncertainty in the relationship. And that's just not gonna work for me going forward because I know what that costs me. So if we're gonna continue to be in this relationship, I need to know that you are committed and I really need to draw a bright line in the sand on the threatening to leave or the leaving and coming back again because that level of of kind of chaos, uncertainty, unpredictability around the very foundation of our relationship is untenable for me. So, you know, talking to someone pretty firmly and saying you know, advocating for yourself in that, while seeking to understand it's not making them wrong because there's some very valid fear or pain that is driving them to behave in that way over and over again. It's not just them trying to hurt you, I can guarantee it.
[00:18:19]:
It's them trying to protect themselves from something. So certainly seeking to understand, but having that conversation of how can we go about managing this or, you know, how can, you know, you support yourself? How can I support you? How can we support each other in a way that doesn't look like you leaving all the time? Because that's just not going to fly. Finally, in this scenario where you're in a relationship and someone's just kind of emotionally withdrawn, but it's not, you know, that that thing of, like, pulling away or, like, actually leaving and coming back in a way that's ever throwing the relationship into question. For me, sometimes in my relationship, Joel will pull away in the sense of when he's stressed or when he's just not feeling great, he's feeling a bit flat or whatever. I know that he withdraws into himself. That's what he knows to do. That's very much his, like, default mechanism. And in the past, that was really challenging for me because, you know, again, all of the anxious patterns there see someone's withdrawal as some sort of precursor to something bad happening, or at least this sense of I can't reach you when you're there, so I don't know how to make this better.
[00:19:35]:
And feeling like you don't know how to make something better when someone else's pain feels like it's threatening the connection. They can feel very out of control, and you can feel like you kind of have your hands tied and someone has put themselves behind a brick wall, and you don't know how to reach them, and you don't know what to do about it. And you can feel really powerless and, you know, feeling bad for them that they're in that experience, but also kind of selfishly not knowing how to make it better for yourself when you feel like your comfort and security is tied to some level of harmony and connection. So that used to be really challenging for me. It still is sometimes. I don't love it when he withdraws into himself. But I think we've gone to a place now where I can kind of trust in his ability to manage that. And I know that it's not about me.
[00:20:21]:
I know that that will pass and that I can, you know, offer a level of support without needing to rush in to try and fix it. And funnily enough, my, you know, giving him space to be in his process typically means he comes out of it much more quickly and easily than if I'm kind of hovering around and and trying to, you know, probe or fix or make it go away. Because I think that from his perspective, when he's withdrawn into himself, it's because he doesn't want to inflict his internal state onto me. And he's kind of doing that as a way to not only protect himself, but also protect me from whatever's going on. So, you know, having had conversations around that and, you know, having a level of, for me, self regulation and ability to just, you know, take care of myself when, you know, he's a little withdrawn or flat or moody or or those things without spiraling into making it about me or needing to fix it. Actually, just going and doing my own thing and and trusting that it will pass has been really, really effective. And I think that that's kind of good advice in many cases, in this scenario where it's not like something really tumultuous is happening, but your partner's just a little bit withdrawn or or pulling away, maybe unavailable for connection or a little bit kind of moody or irritable or or just going through their own stuff in a way that leads them to pull away from you a bit. I think that trusting in the the macro picture of the relationship rather than fixating on micro moments of disconnection and urgently needing to fix them, rushing in.
[00:22:02]:
I think that that can be really supportive for both of you. And, you know, I say both of you because I think having that practice of, I can be fine even if I'm not connected to you right in this moment. There are plenty of things that I can offer to myself that are really resourcing, that I can, you know, go and, you know, spend time alone or with other people or do things and not allow my mood and my state to be tethered to yours in a way that, you know, I feel really off center because you're not a 100% yourself. So, yeah, I think that that's good advice. Of course, having some communication around it, but it doesn't have to be something that you need to eliminate in a relationship because I think the more we can increase our tolerance for someone ebbing and flowing, even when it's not our preference or it's not comfortable for us, I actually think that that's a really positive growth experience. Okay. So that was some thoughts on what to do when a partner's pulling away. Someone that you're seeing is pulling away.
[00:23:02]:
I hope that that's been helpful in giving you some things to think about. I'm I realize that that's kind of covered a big spectrum, and and hopefully there's something in there for people at lots of different points in the journey, whether you're dating or in a relationship or somewhere in between. As always, if you've enjoyed this episode, I'm so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. I read every single one and I'm always so touched by your very kind and generous words of feedback. So thank you all for continuing to support the podcast in all of the ways that you do, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:05]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, relationship coach, partner withdrawal, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, communication in relationships, dating scenarios, long-term relationships, YouTube channel, podcast transcripts, show notes, relationship dynamics, self-esteem in relationships, self-worth, boundaries in relationships, relationship uncertainty, emotional withdrawal, managing stress in relationships, self-regulation, coping with disconnection, relationship commitment, secure attachment, relationship patterns, mixed signals, relationship consistency, partner support, relationship resilience
Self-Soothing for Anxious Attachment
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
In today's episode, we're talking all about self-soothing and anxious attachment. For most anxiously attached folks, self-soothing and self-regulation can be a real struggle. This typically shows up as an over-reliance on others (often a partner) to be our sole source of safety and reassurance when we experience emotional distress, and an accompanying sense of helplessness and panic if and when they are not available to perform that role.
We'll cover:
Why anxiously attached people struggle to self-regulate
How an inability to self-soothe impacts our relationships
Mindset shifts and practices to start building your self-soothing toolkit
Learning to Self-Soothe: Navigating Anxious Attachment through Inner Regulation
Self-soothing is an integral skill that plays a pivotal role in how we navigate relationships, especially for those with anxious attachment. Whether it's a relational rupture or a general sense of stress, the ability to self-soothe can significantly impact our well-being and the dynamics in our relationships. In this article, we'll delve into the concept of self-soothing within the context of anxious attachment, understanding its roots, and exploring practical techniques to cultivate this essential skill set.
Understanding Anxious Attachment and Self-Soothing
Anxious attachment often stems from early developmental experiences, influencing our ability to regulate emotions and seek comfort within ourselves. From birth, humans are reliant on caregivers to co-regulate their emotions, creating a sense of safety and security. However, individuals with anxious attachments might have experienced inconsistent or insufficient co-regulation, leading to heightened anxiety and a lack of self-soothing skills.
The Impact of Early Experiences
Our early experiences form the foundation of our attachment styles. If we didn't receive consistent co-regulation as children, it might translate into challenges with self-soothing as adults. Anxious attachment can manifest as a constant need for proximity, reassurance, and fear of abandonment. This often translates into feeling helpless and powerless when facing relational stress or emotional overwhelm. Consequently, it's crucial to acknowledge that struggling with self-soothing isn't a personal shortcoming but rather a developmental outcome with roots in early experiences.
Developing Self-Soothing as a Skill Set
The good news is that self-soothing is a skill that can be nurtured and refined. By understanding the origins of our attachment styles and the impact of early experiences, we can begin the journey of cultivating self-soothing capabilities. By developing this skill set, we empower ourselves to regulate our emotions and find comfort within, complementing the external support we seek from relationships.
Exploring Self-Soothing Techniques
Self-soothing techniques are diverse and unique to each individual, emphasizing the importance of a personalised approach. Practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and sensory grounding exercises can be invaluable tools in managing anxiety and emotional distress. Engaging in movement, whether through exercise or a simple walk, can help dissipate stress energy, promoting a sense of calm and stability. Moreover, utilising the senses, such as touch, taste, and smell, can draw our focus back to the present moment, aiding in emotional regulation.
The Trial and Error of Self-Soothing
As we embark on the journey of enhancing our self-soothing abilities, it's important to adopt an experimental mindset. What works for one person might not necessarily be effective for another. Embracing trial and error fosters a deeper understanding of our individual needs and preferences when it comes to self-soothing. It's about discovering a personalized toolkit of techniques that resonate with us, providing comfort and grounding during moments of distress.
Proactive Self-Soothing Practices
An essential aspect of self-soothing is its proactive application. Rather than viewing it solely as a reactive response to overwhelming emotions, integrating self-soothing into our daily routines and checking in with ourselves elevates its effectiveness. By consistently tending to our emotional well-being, we reduce the likelihood of reaching a tipping point of distress, promoting a sense of control and agency over our internal state.
Cultivating Internal Safety and Reassurance
As we navigate the realms of self-soothing, we embark on a transformational journey of self-care and emotional resilience. Recognising the power we hold to comfort ourselves, we reshape our internal dialogue from helplessness to empowerment. Effectively self-soothing involves creating internal safety and reassurance, bridging the gap between our emotional needs and our capacity to meet them.
In conclusion, the art of self-soothing is an invaluable skill, particularly for individuals navigating anxious attachment. Understanding its roots, embracing diverse techniques, and fostering a proactive approach significantly enhances our emotional well-being and relationship dynamics. By cultivating this essential skill set, we embark on a journey of self-empowerment, inner resilience, and a deeper sense of emotional security within ourselves and our relationships.
Through the lens of self-soothing, we unearth the transformative potential of reclaiming agency over our emotions and nurturing a profound sense of internal safety and reassurance. As we continue to explore the multifaceted layers of self-soothing, may we find solace in the potent ability to comfort and regulate ourselves, transcending the challenges of anxious attachment and anchoring ourselves in a space of emotional resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What does the concept of self-soothing mean to you in the context of relationships and attachment?
Have you ever felt overwhelmed or vulnerable in a relationship due to a lack of self-soothing techniques? How did it affect the relationship?
In what ways do you think your early experiences of co-regulation have influenced your ability to self-soothe as an adult?
What practical self-soothing techniques have you tried in moments of stress or anxiety? How effective were they for you?
Reflect on a recent stressful or anxious moment in a relationship. How did you attempt to self-soothe, and was it successful?
How do you differentiate between self-regulation and co-regulation in your own relationship dynamics? Do you feel more reliant on external reassurance or your own internal soothing mechanisms?
In what ways can you proactively integrate self-soothing practices into your daily life to manage stress and overwhelm before it becomes unmanageable?
Think about a time when you felt a strong need for reassurance and safety from your partner. How can you cultivate that sense of security within yourself through self-soothing?
Consider the impact of self-trust on your ability to self-soothe. How does trusting yourself relate to your capacity for self-regulation and managing anxiety in relationships?
Reflect on how the development of self-soothing skills might influence your experience of anxious attachment and your relationships moving forward.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about self soothing and anxious attachment, which I know is one of those areas that so many people have a hard time with. And, you know, if you are someone who identifies with anxious attachment and self soothing, particularly when there are relational ruptures or other things in that relational field that are causing you stress, you are so far from alone in having a hard time with self soothing. That's very much part of the blueprint of anxious attachment is that that is an underdeveloped skill set. But nevertheless, despite it it being, you know, common or normal among anxious attached, as I know that it can cause a lot of overwhelm and stress and vulnerability in relationships when you are feeling anxious, and you feel like you are kind of powerless to do anything about that, that you don't have any tools to offer yourself, and that you're really at the mercy of something outside of yourself, oftentimes your partner, to provide the safety and reassurance that you need in order to calm yourself down. And obviously, you know, depending on the circumstances, if there's been a rupture or you're otherwise feeling disconnected from your partner, that external reassurance might not always be available and that can lead you into a really challenging, scary spiral of emotions that you don't know how to deal with. So that's a really common experience.
[00:01:57]:
And thankfully there's both an explanation for it and there are absolutely things that you can do to build up that skill set. As with so much of this work, the way that we experience relationships, the things that we struggle with, the ways that we've learned to cope are just that the things that we have learned. And that's really the hopeful piece of all of this is that we can learn other ways to cope or even to thrive, to really take care of ourselves in relationships in a way that is much more mature and grounded and empowering than feeling like, you know, a scared vulnerable child, which I think is often what's lurking underneath. And we'll talk today about why that might be and why that actually makes a lot of sense if that's your experience. So before we dive into today's discussion, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment, my signature course. It's been open for registration with the last week or so, and we've had I don't know what the count is at the moment. I think almost 250 people join, which is amazing as always. So exciting for me to see.
[00:03:02]:
So many people saying yes to doing this work for themselves. There are another couple of days before registration will close for this round. And I'm not quite sure when I'll be reopening it. As many of you would know, I'm having a baby in a few weeks time, which is very exciting. But it also means I'll be taking a step back from running programs for, you know, the next few months at least. So while I will be running the course again, I have no set plans or dates, and it will likely be late this year, if not, maybe next year. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to do something about it and you're wanting a tried and tested framework, definitely check out healing anxious attachment in the next couple of days before registration closes for this round. Okay.
[00:03:50]:
So let's talk about self soothing for anxious attachment. Now I wanna set the scene a little here without going too much into the background, but just to give a bit of context for why anxiously attached people struggle with self soothing. So when we're all born, I said that I was going back a little, didn't I? When we're all born, we don't have the ability to self regulate or self soothe. Human babies are very, very underdeveloped and we have around 25% of our full brain capacity at birth. If you even just think about, you know, other mammals that are much more self sufficient or independent within a few hours of birth than humans are. Human babies are really undergo a whole nother gestation period outside of the womb once they're born, and are utterly dependent and vulnerable on the adults around them for survival. Which is why, you know, these attachment bonds are so vital to our species, and to our programming. That's why they feel so survival driven because they absolutely are.
[00:04:56]:
And there's nothing wrong with that. That's, you know, by design, and it allows us to survive and thrive. Now, in an ideal world, we are lacking that ability to self soothe, self regulate, as babies and infants. We learn that from our parents through co regulation. So we sort of tether to their nervous system and we learn to experience safety via them. So if our caregivers are safe and reliable and consistent and responsive and attuned and, you know, take care of our needs, and we can feel them close, and we don't have, you know, those scary experiences of disconnection and vulnerability at a time when we are so dependent on them. Then eventually we develop a secure attachment, right? We learn that the world is a safe place and we we with others. That's the ideal.
[00:05:56]:
Unfortunately, a lot of us didn't get, you know, enough of that safe co regulation or we didn't get it consistently enough, or there were other things going on such that, commonly happens, the typical origin story when we're talking about, you know, co regulation, self regulation, is that you received enough safe co regulation to know what it feels like and to know that that's what you want and need. But you may not have gotten it consistently or reliably enough to be able to depend on it. And so you become very hyper aware of the need for that co regulation in order to survive and you develop anxiety around the possible loss of that connection, that coregulation, you know it not being available to you when you need it, and so you become hyper fixated on holding onto it at all times. Right? And you might be starting to see how this pieces together with the anxious attachment that you experience as an adult is I only feel safe and reassured when we're connected. And so because I'm so frightened about the possibility of you not being there when I need you, I don't want to even entertain that possibility. So I want to keep you really close. And I become very hyper vigilant to any possible threats to that connection. Anything that could take you away from me.
[00:07:18]:
So for the anxiously attached baby child, what tends to happen is because you're so focused and fixated on this need for closeness and, you know, the separation anxiety that can come alongside that is that the self regulation piece tends to get a little neglected or underdeveloped. And, you know, that neglect or lack of development of that skill set can then, you know, follow through to your development. And even as an adult, you can find that you maybe lack that skill set. You don't have that felt experience of being able to soothe and comfort yourself because it's just not something that you ever really learned how to do. If we briefly contrast that in this episode isn't really about the avoidant attachment experience, but just because it's interesting, what we can see is for avoidantly attached folks, often they didn't have enough safe co regulation to begin with, that they never really learned to reach for it or they learned not to reach for it. They actually learned to not need it, to shut themselves off from it and to over index on self regulation, to become really, really reliant on their ability to create safety for themselves without connection to other. And so, whereas anxiously attached people tend to be you know, overly focused on co regulation from a really survival driven place, to the detriment of their ability to self regulate, we can see that avoidant folks tend to go the other way. So they don't really know how to safely co regulate with others or maybe, you know, co regulating, connecting with others just isn't synonymous with safety in their system because they never had that imprint.
[00:09:03]:
You know, they tend to be really overly focused on self regulation, self soothing as their way of creating safety whenever they feel threatened or overwhelmed. So that's a bit of a backdrop of, you know, why you're not just, you know, crazy or pathetic or stupid or desperate. If you're someone with anxious attachment and you really struggle to self regulate, this goes back a long way and you may just not have had the early experiences that you needed enough of the time in order to develop that skillset. Now, as I said, the great thing about all of this is that it is a set of skills and it is something that we can learn and practice and cultivate within ourselves in that inner relationship so that we feel more resource. We feel like we have things that we can reach for in those moments of overwhelm, of stress, of anxiety, rather than defaulting back to this helpless child kind of energy of, you know, I'm panicked. And it's almost like if you, you know, ever got lost in a department store or a supermarket or something, that panic sense of, like, I can't find my parent. Where are they? You know, I feel so scared and vulnerable. What am I gonna do? And you do have that very visceral fear and helplessness.
[00:10:18]:
I think for anxiously attached people in relationships, if something feels threatening, if something feels overwhelming, it can have a very similar emotional imprint to those kinds of experiences of like sheer panic, and separation anxiety that you may have experienced when you're a kid. So what do we do about all of this now? I can't even begin in a short podcast episode to give you the full download on self soothing tools and tips for anxious attachment. It's something that I go into a lot of detail in in my course. I think there's, you know, a couple of hours of video trainings just on your nervous system and self soothing in its own module because it really is that foundational to this whole process. And it requires, you know, a lot of unpacking. But what we can do is start to understand that I think this is really important. There are so many things that I could give you in terms of, like, things that you can do and try to, you know, regulate your system. So things like breathing techniques, things like stretching, other ways to activate your body and to create safety in your body when you're feeling overwhelmed.
[00:11:29]:
And knowing, like, based on where my nervous system's at, if I'm feeling like an 8 out of 10, what kind of tool would I reach for in that setting? Versus if I'm feeling like at a 4 out of 10. If I'm feeling very, very anxious, I'm gonna reach for something different than if I'm feeling, you know, depressed and vacant. And it's actually about trial and error and figuring that out for yourself in large part, knowing what tools work for you and knowing that there are things that you can do and offer to yourself at any moment. Things that take 2 seconds and things that might take an hour. So, you know, something that might be appropriate if you're sitting at your desk at work might not be appropriate in another setting and vice versa. So a huge part of doing this work and learning to self regulate, to self soothe, is knowing that you have so many options and and really equipping yourself with as many tools as you can, so that you feel spoiled for choice almost. Right? I often say to people, to students and clients that like the number of times throughout the day where I will pause and check-in with myself and go, what do I need? If I'm noticing that I'm even a little bit dysregulated or scattered or, you know, just don't really feel grounded and kind of in my my window of tolerance, if you're familiar with that term, I'll stop and I'll go, what do I need? And maybe it's just, you know, getting up and stretching or walking outside and having some fresh air, maybe it's getting a glass of water, Maybe it's lighting a candle. Maybe it's changing the music that I'm listening to or going from listening to nothing to listening to something or vice versa.
[00:13:11]:
Again, it's just tweaking what is going on around me, my environment, both internal and external, in order to bring myself back into more regulation and presence and groundedness. And ideally, what we want is for this to become a practice that is not only an emergency response, which I think is how so many people I mean, certainly when I'm getting questions from people about self soothing, it's almost always like, you know, give me the fire extinguisher so I can put out this, you know, big burning fire of my overwhelming emotions when it gets too much. And of course, yes, we wanna be able to resource ourselves when our emotions get very big and very overwhelming and it, you know, shows up as panic or, you know, a big anxiety spin out. Yes, we wanna have tools for that, but we also wanna be constantly in this process of turning towards ourselves and checking in, so that we don't get to that boiling point as often. And we're really actually just checking in with ourselves throughout the day every day so that we're staying grounded and anchored rather than, not really noticing until it all gets too much. And then we have the big blow up and we feel like we're not in control of ourselves anymore. Because I think that's what happens for a lot of people, when, you know, self regulation, self care is treated as, only a reactive thing rather than a proactive thing. You know, it's something I do when I'm burnt out or when I have a panic attack, you know, in the same way that, hopefully, you treat your health as something to be proactively managed.
[00:14:53]:
So too should you be treating, you know, your nervous system health and your mental well-being, your emotional well-being as something to be proactively taken care of rather than only something to, you know, pull out the the emergency response for when it all gets too much. So to give you a few specific things for self soothing, for anxious attachment and, you know, again, I think that like the actual tools that you'll use will vary from person to person. But it really is anything that can bring you back into presence. Okay? Because when we are in that stress response, when we're in a threat response, we tend to spin out and everything becomes very global and catastrophic. And it's not just right here, right now. What do I know to be true? Where am I? You know, am I safe? There's this sense of like everything is doomed and I'm going to be alone forever. And, you know, it's not just I can't reach my partner right now. It's, you know, they're having an affair or they're cheating on me, and they've been lying to me about everything.
[00:15:57]:
And, you know, all of this stuff that catastrophising can be very intense and very persuasive. So, I think recognising that when you're in that state, the state of your nervous system is going to dictate the thoughts and feelings that you are having. And so working with your body, 1st and foremost, and with your nervous system to try and bring down the heat or bring down the pressure is a really good starting point, rather than just trying to outthink those big scary thoughts. I think a lot of the time, something as simple as going for a walk or a run, moving your body when we have that amount of, you know, stressy energy, when we've got that amount of activation in our system, Just trying to calm ourselves down can actually be counterproductive because we've already got the adrenaline going, and just trying to switch it off or dull it. It's already kind of pumping through you, so sometimes actually leaning into that, and, you know, shaking or moving or walking or going to the gym. You know, if you're someone who already enjoys exercise, you'll know that the the feeling after a work out is often a very calm and grounded one, because you've cleared out a lot of that sympathetic activation, that stress energy. So anything to do with movement is good. Anything that feels grounding using your senses.
[00:17:23]:
So again, when we're really in that spinning out place and we're really feeling not grounded, bringing ourselves back to, you know, where am I? What can I touch? What can I smell? What can I taste? What can I hear listening to music or, you know, some sort of like, even meditation tracks or binaural, sounds, binaural beats? I love listening to stuff like that. I find it very grounding. But again, it's really about learning to match your tools to your state. And something that works for me when I'm at a 5 out of 10 might be absolutely not helpful for you at all if you're at a 5 out of 10. And so it's like, can I experiment with this and almost play with it? Going, oh, like, what helps to bring me back into my body? What helps to bring me back into a little bit more safety and space and groundedness, based on how I'm feeling and where I'm at? And that really is a bit of trial and error, but it's, you know, an incredibly empowering process for you to go through to start figuring out what that might look like for you. And just even the process of turning towards yourself and going, okay, what do I need? That in and of itself is really, really powerful in rewiring that experience of I am helpless and there's nothing I can do, because you're acknowledging and asking that question of like how what can I offer to myself? You're already acknowledging that, like, you care and you are there and you are attuned and responsive, and you are going to be able to take action to support yourself. And even being able to do that can shift you out of that sense of helplessness and, you know, despair and overwhelm and frozenness that you might otherwise be feeling when you're in that state of, you know, really panicking trigger activation about something in your relationship. So I hope that that has been helpful in in giving you a bit of a sense of what we're talking about with self soothing.
[00:19:19]:
I know that, you know, some of you will be wanting a formula. And as much as I could give you that, I don't think it's actually what you need. I know that's an annoying answer. But as with all of these things, I think so much of the process and particularly around something is foundational to our relationship with self as self soothing and self regulation. So much of it is that process of getting to know yourself and not having it dictated to you the things that you need to do, because that actually cultivates more of a reliance on something outside of yourself. So if I just tell you exactly what to do and then, you know, you do it and it doesn't work for you, then you come back and go, well, now what do I do? Right? There's still that sense of dependency and helplessness. So it's actually much more empowering and helpful, for you to go through that process of figuring it out for yourself. Of course, with the guidelines of you know, some of those foundational tools around bringing more regulation into the body, you know, movement, sound, breath, senses, all of those things that we know are really good for grounding the nervous system.
[00:20:27]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if you want to do a really deep dive on this and and everything else to do with anxious attachment, definitely jump into the course before registration closes in a couple days' time. We've also got a live Q and A with me later this week, which is obviously a great opportunity if you're interested. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:54]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, self soothing, anxious attachment, relationship coach, insecurity, thriving relationships, co regulation, anxious attached, relational ruptures, vulnerability, relationship, secure attachment, nervous system, nervous system health, emotional well-being, self regulation, grounding, nervous system, breath, senses, mental well-being, proactive self-care, panic attack, emotional well-being, emotional imprint, avoidant attachment, self-dependent.
20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 2)
This episode is part two of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
If a recent episode of “On Attachment” left you nodding along and feeling seen, you're not alone. As we continue to explore the intricate web of anxious attachment traits, it’s clear that understanding our relational patterns and dynamics isn't a one-size-fits-all pursuit. Join us as we delve deeper into traits 11 to 20, providing insights and guidance to shine a light on our attachment styles and embark on a journey towards healthier, thriving relationships.
Trait 11: The Breakup Conundrum
For those with anxious attachment patterns, navigating breakups and endings can be an excruciating process. While recognising when a relationship needs to end, the emotional entanglement and the process of disengaging from a loved one can be especially distressing. If you find yourself ruminating and struggling with the emotional fallout of a breakup for an extended period, you're not alone. Recognising and navigating the impact of endings is an essential part of healing anxious attachment.
Trait 12: Relationship Strain Overload
When something goes awry in a relationship, it can feel all-consuming for individuals with anxious attachment tendencies. Unlike their avoidant counterparts who can compartmentalise emotions, the anxious partner may find it challenging to see beyond the perceived relationship problems. This trait sheds light on the need for balance and understanding within the relationship dynamic—a journey towards finding a middle ground where emotions and space coexist harmoniously.
Trait 13: The Struggle with Receiving Support
The yearning for support and reciprocity, coupled with a struggle to receive it, often characterises individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Recognising the vulnerability of receiving support and understanding that it's not a sign of weakness can be a crucial step in fostering healthier relationships. Finding that balance between giving and receiving, without feeling unworthy or being overwhelmed, is key to nurturing a fulfilling partnership.
Trait 14: Infatuation at Lightning Speed
The tendency to become infatuated and attached to new people swiftly within early dating stages is a common trait for those with anxious attachment styles. These patterns can also manifest as experiencing crushes while already in a relationship. Understanding and navigating the impulse to create intense emotional connections quickly is essential for fostering stable and balanced relationships.
Trait 15: Privacy vs. Secrecy Dilemma
Distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy is a regular challenge for individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Fear of the unknown and a tendency to feel threatened by a partner's privacy can lead to difficulties in creating and respecting personal boundaries. Recognising and addressing this fear is essential for establishing trust and promoting emotional stability within the relationship.
Trait 16: Hyperattunement to Partner's Moods
Being hyperattuned to subtle shifts in a partner's mood or energy can be both a blessing and a curse. While this heightened sensitivity nurtures empathy and emotional connection, it can also lead to catastrophic interpretations and spiralling distress. Learning to differentiate between accurate perception and catastrophic meaning-making is essential for maintaining emotional equilibrium within the relationship.
Trait 17: Fear of Abandonment
A pervasive fear of a partner leaving for someone ‘better’ is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment patterns. The intersection of jealousy, low self-worth, and comparison often fuels this fear. Addressing and untangling these emotions is a vital step toward fostering greater inner security and trust within relationships.
Trait 18: The Need for Constant Togetherness
Individuals with anxious attachment patterns often struggle with their partners' time devoted to other relationships or personal pursuits. Recognising the value of personal space and understanding that healthy relationships can coexist with individual pursuits is crucial for promoting emotional autonomy and trust within a partnership.
Trait 19: Adverse Attraction to Unhealthy Patterns
A subconscious attraction to inconsistent and unavailable partners is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment styles. Embracing stability and security within relationships may initially feel unexciting, yet recognising and recalibrating these attraction patterns is a crucial step in fostering sustainable and fulfilling partnerships.
Trait 20: The Quest for Love Through Self-Change
The tendency to believe that changing oneself will elicit more love from a partner is a hallmark trait among those with anxious attachment patterns. Understanding that true love and connection should stem from authenticity and mutual acceptance is a pivotal step in breaking free from codependent dynamics and fostering relationships based on genuine connection and trust.
As we unpack these traits, it's essential to remember that the journey towards understanding and navigating attachment styles is deeply personal and often non-linear. While these traits shed light on common patterns, the healing and growth process is unique for each individual. Recognising these traits is the first step toward fostering self-awareness, understanding relational dynamics, and embarking on a journey towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The intricate tapestry of anxious attachment patterns offers an opportunity for introspection, growth, and transformation—a journey that, when navigated with compassion and self-awareness, leads to profound personal and relational healing.
Join us as we continue to explore the nuanced landscape of attachment, relationships, and self-discovery, opening doors to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the connections we foster.
Remember, understanding and navigating attachment styles is a continual process—one that lays the foundation for authentic, thriving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing difficulty with breakups or other endings in your relationships? How has this impacted your healing process, and what strategies have you used to navigate these challenges?
In what ways do you see yourself being consumed by perceived problems in your relationships? How does this affect your ability to see the positives during difficult times?
Reflect on your experiences with receiving support. Do you struggle to accept support from others? What emotions or reactions come up for you when someone offers you support, and what do you think might be driving these reactions?
Have you ever found yourself becoming infatuated with new people very quickly? How has this tendency impacted your approach to dating or maintaining a relationship? Reflect on any instances where this has led to challenges in your relationships.
Consider your feelings towards privacy and secrecy in relationships. Do you struggle to distinguish between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy? How has this impacted your past relationships or your current relationship dynamics?
In what ways are you hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy? How do you manage the different interpretations you make based on these observations, and how does this affect your relationship dynamics?
Have you ever caught yourself fearing that your partner might leave you for someone better? How does this fear manifest in your thoughts or actions, and what strategies have you used to address these anxieties in your relationships?
Reflect on any experiences where you felt rejected if your partner devoted time to other relationships or areas of life. How did you navigate these feelings, and what insights did you gain from those experiences?
Do you find yourself being drawn to partners who exhibit inconsistency and unavailability? How has this preference impacted your past relationships, and what steps could you take to recalibrate your approach to attraction and stability in relationships?
Consider the belief that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. Have you ever felt this way in a relationship? How has this belief influenced your behavior, and what steps can you take to cultivate healthier perceptions of love and self-worth?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Today's episode is part 2 of the episode that I released a couple of days ago, which was titled 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. So I'm running through some less obvious, I would say, traits of the anxious attachment style, hopefully going a little deeper than your average listicle. What I will say before I dive in is that this is not an exhaustive list, and it's also, not sequential. You don't have to have listened to the previous episode as a prerequisite to being able to make sense of this episode, But if you're interested, you can absolutely go back and listen to the other one as well to give you the fuller picture. So just before I dive into traits 11 to 20 of the 20 traits that I'm gonna run through, I just wanted to remind you that healing anxious attachment, my signature program, opens up in a few days' time. If you're on the wait list, amazing.
[00:01:26]:
I think there are about 1300 of you at the moment, which is just so cool. But if you're not on the wait list and you'd like to be, which just gives you first access, early bird pricing, and exclusive bonuses, which for the first time ever, the exclusive bonuses are gonna include all 4 of my other master classes. So building trust, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious avoidant relationships, and better boundaries are all included as a bonus master class bundle with the early bird price of healing anxious attachment. So really, really good value. If you are interested, just pop yourself on the wait list so that you have the option. You can do that via my website or the link in the show notes. Hopefully, that's all pretty straightforward. Okay.
[00:02:11]:
So trait number 11, continuing on from the first ten that we covered in the previous episode a couple of days ago, is you have a really, really hard time with breakups and other endings. So I've spoken about this on the podcast many times. There's an episode from a while back titled 5 Reasons That Anxiously Attached People Struggle With Breakups, so you can obviously do a deep dive into that if you're interested. But for anxiously attached people, for all of the reasons that we've talked about, because the relationship is such a source of safety, a breakup tends to be very, very destabilizing and disorienting, and that's true no matter how much you might know that a relationship needs to end, no matter how dysfunctional or unhealthy, no matter how unhappy you were, going through that process of emotional disentanglement from someone that you love and that you are attached to is particularly excruciating, when you have anxious attachment patterns. So breakups are likely to really throw you, and your recovery time, if we want to call it that, is likely to be longer than someone with more avoidant patterns or even someone with more of a secure attachment. You're likely to really be in that process for a decent amount of time, and you're doing a lot of ruminating and thinking and, you know, wondering whether it was the right thing and wanting to reach out to your ex and still feeling very attached to them. So that's very normal if you're someone with an anxious attachment style. I'll just quickly say I I also had in this one you have a hard time with other endings as well, because I think it's kind of a not really as front and center as something like breakups, but you might also struggle, like, letting go of a job, like, walking away from something, or you might just have a level of emotionality or sentimentality around goodbyes and separation.
[00:04:08]:
Again, going back to that thing of separation anxiety or, you know, just having a lot of emotion around parting ways, so that could extend beyond, you know, just breakups. Number 12 is you can't help but be consumed by the perceived problems in your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, when something's wrong with the relationship, it really does feel all consuming, and it's likely all that you can think and talk about. So this is by contrast with if you have, for example, a more avoidant leaning partner, they're probably quite adept at compartmentalizing. So you could have a big fight, and then they could kind of switch gears and go off to work and have a totally normal day, and not have that be, you know, weighing down on them. I used to have this dynamic in a previous relationship where, you know, my ex partner was quite avoidant, and we'd be in the middle of an argument, and he would just say, I don't have time for this right now. I need to go like, I need to work. I need to do something.
[00:05:12]:
And it was always so challenging for me because I was so in the thick of it and so in my emotions that it was unfathomable to me that you could focus on anything else at a time like that. But for him, he was able to just switch it off, and, you know, if anything, I think I interpreted that at the time as, you know, him not caring, but it really is just a a different blueprint. But it can be very hard to relate to as someone with more anxious patterns that, you know, your partner could just kind of put things in separate boxes and function quite effectively even when things are not good in the relationship. It's likely that you don't have that same capacity to, you know, segment yourself internally. So it's likely that, you know, if the relationship is, you know, feeling really strained, that that's taking up most of your field of vision and most of your bandwidth, and and that's going to be really all consuming. The other aspect of that is that you probably struggle to see the good, at those times, in those, you know, seasons where the relationship know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Okay.
[00:06:26]:
Number 13 is you yearn for support but struggle with receiving it. Now we sort of touched on this when talking about the overgiving and self sacrifice in the previous episode, but it's sort of a funny thing. Right? You can often resent being the giver, and you might complain about imbalances in the relationship. You might complain about that lack of reciprocity of, you know, I'm always the one doing this. You know, I am always giving more. I am always thinking about you. I'm always in the caring role, and you never do that for me. And there is this yearning for support, but you do tend to struggle to receive that support if you're more anxiously attached, and you cannot really know what to do with it if suddenly someone showed up and was really ready and willing to support you and asked, you know, how can I support you? You might find yourself a little frozen, not really knowing what to do because you're so unaccustomed to being in that seat of receiving.
[00:07:25]:
So I think there's some work to do for most of us around recognizing the vulnerability of receiving, because it is, for for a lot of us, much more vulnerable to be, you know, to kind of have the spotlight on us and have, you know, us be cared for and have our needs being really recognized and paid attention to, if you're not used to that, then that can feel really edgy in and of itself. So, there's there's definitely some work there around, you know, feeling worthy of the support that you crave and really allowing yourself to take that in. Okay. Number 14 is you become infatuated and attach to new people very quickly. So in early dating, you find yourself going from 0 to a100 at lightning speed, quickly becoming attached to someone before you really know them, which can also apply to crushes while in a relationship. Now I've touched on, you know, jealousy elsewhere, and, you know, there will be a couple of points in, you know, this episode where I'm touching on those dynamics, and I actually think that part of the anxiously attached person's struggle with jealousy stems from their own tendency to become infatuated and attached and develop crushes very quickly. So if you can, you know, see someone at the coffee shop or the gym and suddenly create this whole fantasy in your mind about, you know, being totally obsessed with them, and, you know, you can't stop thinking about them, and you start planning your, you know, days around whether you might run into them or whatever, it can be easy to project and assume that your partner's doing the same thing, and so feel very insecure and jealous around what they're doing and who they're seeing. So I think that this tendency that people with strong anxious attachment patterns have to really, you know, latch on and and become, you know, kind of in that fantasy world of imagining, you know, a whole life with someone or becoming very consumed by this idea of a connection that doesn't really exist, that is certainly an anxious attachment thing, whether it's, you know, in a relationship or outside of 1 in in a dating context.
[00:09:39]:
Yeah. You're definitely not alone if you've experienced that. Okay. Number 15 is you struggle with trust and feel threatened by your partner's privacy. So I've done an episode before on, you know, the difference between privacy and secrecy, and for anxiously attached people, it feel like there is no difference between privacy and secrecy, that, you know, if you are doing something and protecting your privacy, then that is tantamount to keeping secrets, and keeping secrets feels very dangerous. So, you know, anxiously attached people love certainty, and that element of the unknown that is involved in trusting someone can feel very, very risky and very, very vulnerable. So distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy, it's almost like that. You know, if you've got nothing to hide, then why do you need privacy kind of mentality can be common among anxious people, and, you know, as you can imagine or maybe you've experienced, when that comes head to head with a more avoidant partner who very much values their privacy, and sees that as very important to their overall sense of self and autonomy, we can really easily clash there because the anxious person can become very suspicious of the avoidant person's attachment to privacy.
[00:10:58]:
And so, yeah, there's there's some work to do there around figuring out, like, what is a healthy boundary, because the the anxious partner's unlikely to have a baseline respect for privacy or understanding of why privacy is, like, valid or reasonable or important, because it is just likely to be seen as so threatening for them. Okay. Number 16, you are hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy. So this is both a blessing and a curse. Right? This level of, you know, emotional being really emotionally tapped in, being able to really read the room and feel the energy and, you know, sense if there's a shift in someone's state, that's not a bad thing. Right? There's there's a level of, like, empathy and skill in that that allows you to really connect with people and allows people to feel really seen. The trouble is for anxiously attached people, we can kind of get carried away with the interpretation of what we are then perceiving. So you might notice there's a shift, and that might be accurate, that there has been a shift in the energy or the mood, but then the meaning making tends to be catastrophic.
[00:12:14]:
Right? So it's, okay, like, my partner's gone a bit quiet. That might just be because they're tired. It's quite innocuous, but for the anxiously attached person, it's likely to be, there's something wrong. They're angry at me. They're upset. Something's happened. And so it's that interpretation, that meaning making step where anxiously attached people tend to lead themselves astray and go into those spirals and then, you know, become quite distressed by it and feel the need to probe or problem solve or fix, you know, pester their partner, what's wrong? No. Tell me what's wrong.
[00:12:49]:
I can tell there's something wrong, that sort of pattern. So it's important to to recognize that within yourself and try and find some boundaries around, not taking those interpretations to the extreme, when you don't really have, not only the evidence to support it, but when it doesn't really need to be a problem that you have to solve urgently, even though that's how it can feel. Okay. Number 17, you fear your partner leaving you for someone better. So, you know, this is interwoven with so many of the other themes that we've talked about, jealousy, low self worth, comparison, fear of abandonment, you know, this general sense of the relationship is always on a knife's edge, and there's always these looming, lurking threats, and so I need to, you know, be protecting against that. And one of the obvious threats is outsiders. So, you know, whether that's I think I touched on, you know, like colleagues or exes or friends or just other people, really, this sense of they're gonna leave me, and it's gonna be for someone better, and I need to then, like, try and, you know, make myself better so that that doesn't happen, or, you know, try and dampen down parts of myself that I consider to be flaws or unacceptable or unlovable so that my partner doesn't leave me for someone else who doesn't have those same things. So, that's very much a lingering fear for anxiously attached people is that given the chance, their partner will leave them for someone else or someone better, so to speak.
[00:14:27]:
Okay. Number 18 is you feel rejected if your partner devotes time to other relationships or areas of life. Anxiously attached people will very happily devote the vast majority of their time and energy to their partner in their relationship. That is a very comfortable default position, and often, you know, you'll be quite happy to turn down other invitations so as to prioritize time spent with your partner, or even just to make yourself available on the off chance that your partner wants to spend time with you or someone that you're dating even. So there can be this, you know, like, difficulty understanding why your partner wouldn't wanna do the same. Why wouldn't they wanna spend every waking moment with you? If you loved me, that's what you would want. Right? So because of that, it's easy for people with anxious patterns to feel hurt or rejected if their partner wants to do things separately. So if they wanna catch up with friends and they just wanna have that time with their friends and not with you, whereas your preference might be either to spend time with them or spend time with other people and have them there as well.
[00:15:31]:
There might just not be a scenario in which you would prefer separation over togetherness, whereas, you know, for, I would say, certainly avoidant partners but also secure partners, they might have a very legitimate desire to actually just spend time, you know, in different areas of their life or, you know, devoting time to hobbies or coworkers or something, that doesn't involve you and having a level of space around that. And that can feel like in a bit of an affront, or, again, it's almost like the the privacy thing. It can feel suspicious to someone with more anxious patterns. So, recognizing that that can be a perfectly normal and healthy thing for partners to want, and it's not something that you need to necessarily take personally and make a lot of meaning out of. Okay. Number 19 is you find healthy, consistent, and available would be partners boring. So I talked before on the show about this subconscious drive towards people who are really good at at lighting up all of those triggers, all of those, you know, old pathways within you around working really hard for someone's attention or you're finding that inconsistency to be quite exhilarating and addictive even though it's causing you a lot of stress. For a lot of anxiously in touch people, you know, I hear this so much is, like, the the healthy people, people who are available, who are interested in me, who show that interest, you know, in a sustained way, It doesn't do anything for me.
[00:17:09]:
It doesn't light me up. I don't feel excited to talk to them or go on dates with them, It just you know, I'm only attracted to the people who don't give me that, who, you know, leave me guessing or make me work for it. And so I think that that is you know, it's a big part of just having, you know, programming around what love looks and feels like, and when we've developed a lot of strategies around all of those things, working really hard, needing to prove ourselves, needing to prove our worth, when that's what we're accustomed to, then that's kind of what we feel most comfortable with when we're in that familiar zone. So there can be a certain recalibration that needs to happen, for you to, you know, know how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't take you on that rollercoaster ride and still, you know, learn to get a lot out of that and to appreciate the stability and appreciate the security, and the sense of peace and calm that comes with that rather than being addicted to the chaos of, you know, unavailability and inconsistency. Okay. And last but not least, you believe that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. So this is very much kind of at the heart of, you know, codependency. Not that codependency and anxious attachment are the same thing, but I think in the Venn diagram, there'd be a good degree of overlap, between anxiously attached people and people who find themselves in codependent patterns in their relationship.
[00:18:46]:
So this sense of whatever problems I perceive as existing in the relationship or in my partner, whatever behaviors of theirs I see as being an issue or I wanna change, there's a part of me that thinks that if I can change myself, then that will change them and the way they are towards me. So, you know, really just assigning so much responsibility to ourselves to make everything better, and, you know, if I change the way I look or the way that I dress or the way I act or, you know, the things I say or don't say, then all of these things that I want will become available, then they'll show up for me, then they'll be loving towards me, then, you know, they won't lie to me anymore or whatever the things might be. Right? Obviously, there's a huge spectrum of of how that could play out, and, you know, some are obviously on more extreme ends of the spectrum in terms of really unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics. But this sense of, like, if I can just train myself, then that will change you or that will change our relationship for the better, And, obviously, that can lead you down a rabbit hole of endless, you know, shape shifting, people pleasing, performing, striving, trying to earn love, and trying to change yourself to elicit some sort of outcome, with the obvious consequence that you end up really not knowing who you are, and not having a clear sense of that and and having pretty, you know, decimated self worth as a result. So, you know, all in the hopes that that's gonna make you feel worthy and deserving of love. And, you know, spoiler alert, oftentimes, most of the time, I would say that doesn't work, and then you feel unworthy and undeserving of love because despite your best efforts, despite having tried so hard, it still didn't work, and so that can actually reinforce all of those feelings that drove you to those behaviors in the first place. So that can be a really, really painful dynamic, and, you know, it's one that I've certainly played into in the past and very glad to say, you know, mostly it doesn't doesn't really come up for me anymore, but, you know, if that's something that you relate to, know that it's really, really, unfortunately, common among folks with anxious attachment and is a big part of why building self worth and, you know, a stronger connection to yourself is such a big part of that healing journey. Okay.
[00:21:25]:
That was part 2. That was 11 to 20 on the 20 traits list. I really hope that that was helpful for you. I hope that that's, you know, giving you some more insight into yourself, and your patterns and what drives them and that, you know, big web or tapestry that is anxious attachment because it is so much more than, you know, just listing out a couple of headline traits. We can see how all of those, you know, tendrils or branches, they all kind of connect in this big, you know, web of you know, it does really start to make sense when we can say, ah, yeah, that makes sense in the context of that, and, you know, that fear or that insecurity and that drives this behavior. You know, I think that having that context for ourselves really allows us to not only access more compassion, but, you know, more understanding and allows us to, in turn, be more proactive about, okay, like, I I don't have to feel overwhelmed by this in a really frozen abstract way of just, you know, there's something wrong with me, and I'm broken, and I'm bad at relationships, and I always do this, when we start to be able to fill in the blanks a little and and kind of flesh it out, give some color to that, I think that allows us to feel much more empowered to start making shifts in the right direction. So, as I said, I really hope that that's been helpful, and if these points resonated with you, if you're, you know, nodding along and and feeling very seen, then, as I said, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment when doors open in a few days' time. And do make sure to jump on the wait list if you wanna access that exclusive pricing and bonuses.
[00:23:03]:
So thanks, guys, so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:23:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, anxious attachment style, traits, insecurity, breakups, emotional disentanglement, avoidant patterns, secure attachment, healing program, trust, intimacy, boundaries, self-worth, privacy, jealousy, hyperattuned, fear of abandonment, codependency, self-compassion, self-discovery, self-improvement, self-love, compassion, communication, emotional intelligence, love, support, self-care
20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 1)
Today's episode is part one of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
Navigating Anxious Attachment: Understanding the 20 Traits (Part 1)
If someone asked you to list your most defining traits or characteristics, would you immediately think of how they relate to your relationships? Many of us might be surprised by how much our attachment style shapes the way we experience the world around us. In the latest episode of "On Attachment," we took a deep dive into the anxious attachment style and explored its 20 key traits.
Tethering Our Sense of Worth to Relationships
One of the key traits of the anxious attachment style is the tendency to tether our sense of worth and well-being to the status of our relationships. If things feel off in our relationships, it can feel like our whole world is crumbling. Our identity becomes closely intertwined with the state of our connections, making it hard to separate how we feel about ourselves from how we feel about our relationships.
Struggles with Separation Anxiety and Catastrophising
Anxious attachment often leads to struggles with separation anxiety. Even a moment of physical distance or being unable to reach our partners through communication can trigger overwhelming anxiety. A missed phone call might instantly lead to worst-case scenarios, causing significant distress.
Difficulty Believing in Our Own Value
Low self-worth is another common trait of anxious attachment. We often struggle to believe that our partners truly love and value us, especially when we don't see that value within ourselves. This lack of self-worth can give rise to deep-seated fears of abandonment and can significantly impact our relationships.
Comparison and Jealousy
Those with anxious attachment often find themselves easily threatened by others and comparing themselves to others. This jealousy and constant comparison are rooted in a deep-seated fear of not being enough, and this can lead to obsessively comparing ourselves to others and feeling threatened by potential "rivals."
Struggles with Needs and Boundaries
Boundaries and needs can become muddied for those with anxious attachment. Understanding our own needs and setting boundaries can be challenging, and even when we manage to voice them, the fear of being perceived as too much or unworthy of having needs can hold us back. Maintaining these boundaries can be equally difficult, often leading to self-judgment and shame when we struggle to uphold them.
The Struggle to Leave Unfulfilling Relationships
For those with anxious attachment, the idea of walking away from a relationship, even if it isn't working, can feel foreign. Overstaying in relationships that aren't meeting our needs becomes a common trend, as the fear of separation and the desire to fix the relationship from within dominate our decision-making.
The "Savior Complex" and Emotional Fixing
Many individuals with anxious attachment tend to be drawn to partners who need "fixing." This savior complex often stems from a desire to prove our worth by helping others, but it can also lead to imbalanced dynamics in relationships and prevent us from seeing partners as equals rather than projects.
Struggling to Define Our Identity Outside of Relationships
Finally, those with anxious attachment may struggle to define their identities outside of their relationships. Our entire sense of self can become entwined with our relational roles, making the concept of being outside a relationship daunting and unfamiliar.
The Need for Reassurance and Difficulty Believing It
Seeking regular reassurance from our partners is a common trait, but even when reassured, many of us struggle to believe it. This constant craving for external validation and difficulty internalising reassurance can put a strain on relationships and make it harder for us to manage our insecurities.
Relationships and the way we form and maintain connections with others are integral to our overall well-being and sense of self. These traits of anxious attachment, while challenging, can provide valuable insights into our inner workings and offer meaningful opportunities for growth and healing. In Part 2 of this series, we'll explore the remaining 10 traits of anxious attachment and delve deeper into how we can navigate these traits to build healthier, more secure relationships.
Understanding and recognising these traits is an important first step in the journey towards creating a more secure attachment style and building fulfilling, thriving relationships. Keep an eye out for part 2, where we'll continue this exploration and delve into the remaining traits of anxious attachment.
If you’ve resonated with some or all of these traits and are seeking support and guidance on your journey towards a more secure attachment style, consider exploring resources like Healing Anxious Attachment. Recognising where we are and where we want to be is the first step towards creating more fulfilling, nurturing relationships – both with others and with ourselves.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find that your sense of worth and well-being is often tied to the status of your relationships? How does this impact your overall well-being and identity?
Reflect on times when separation anxiety has affected your relationships. How has this affected your behavior and thoughts, and what strategies have you used to manage this anxiety?
Have you struggled with believing that your partner truly loves and values you? How has this impacted your relationship dynamic and your own self-worth?
Discuss your experiences with feeling threatened by others and comparing yourself to them. How have these tendencies impacted your relationships and your self-esteem?
Share instances when you've found it challenging to identify and assert your own needs and boundaries in a relationship. How has this impacted your well-being and the dynamics of the relationship?
Have you ever found yourself staying in a relationship despite it not working? What fears or insecurities were driving this decision, and how did it impact your overall happiness?
Reflect on times when you've felt drawn to people who seemed to need "fixing." How do you think this reflects your own sense of self-worth and the role you play in relationships?
Do you feel you have a clear sense of your identity outside of a relationship? How has the lack of this sense impacted your overall happiness and well-being?
Think about your tendencies to overgive and self-sacrifice in relationships. How does this impact your own well-being and the dynamics of your relationships?
How do you feel about seeking reassurance from your partner? How do your expectations around reassurance impact your self-reliance and the dynamics of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now, this is almost a throwback because one of the first ever episodes I did almost 2 years ago was 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. And I haven't really done anything so foundational about anxious attachment since then. Obviously, there's been a lot of other episodes about, you various aspects of the anxious attachment experience. But I thought to revisit this for anyone who is a new listener or anyone who is wondering whether anxious attachment is really them, or maybe, you know, that anxious attachment is very much your experience, but you're interested to know some of the less obvious expressions of that attachment style and pattern. So 20 traits of the anxious attachment style is, what we're gonna be talking about today.
[00:01:20]:
I've actually decided to split this across 2 episodes because I think I'll ramble on for far too long if I'm trying to cover 20 in one episode. So this is part 1 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style, and part 2 will follow in a couple of days' time. So before we dive into today's episode, a quick reminder that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature program, is relaunching in less than a week's time for the 7th round, which is pretty amazing. I first launched it 2 years ago, almost to the day, actually. And it has really grown into something greater than what I could ever have imagined, since that first launch. Over 1500 students have been through this program, and it really is not only tried and tested, but received such beautiful feedback and it's something that I've poured, you know, so much of myself into, trying to distill down everything that I've learned and everything that I have been teaching to people around anxious attachment and the journey to becoming more secure within yourself and within your relationship. So it's a very comprehensive program. I would love to see you in there.
[00:02:28]:
It's the last round that I'm going to be running before I head off on maternity leave. So if you are interested in joining when doors open next week, you can jump on the wait list. Being on the wait list means that you get exclusive access to early bird pricing and also exclusive bonuses. So it's definitely worth doing, even if you don't end up joining. Give yourself the option if you're at all interested, and you can do that via the link in the show notes. Okay. So let's dive into these first 10 of 20 traits of the anxious attachment style. Now I should say, these are, you know, I sat down to prepare for this to write this out and it's very much off the top of my head.
[00:03:08]:
So this is not an exhaustive list. It's not a textbook list. These are things that I'm pulling from not only my own experience, but obviously having worked with so many thousands of people on this and hearing so many other people's stories, I know that these traits that I'm about to share are almost universal among those with anxious attachment patterns. So, you know, in no particular order am I sharing these. It's not exhaustive. If If you don't relate to every single one, that doesn't mean anything much. I'm really just sharing these for the purposes of cultivating insight and self awareness. Okay.
[00:03:43]:
So the first one is your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, there can be this sense of, my identity, my sense of being okay or not in the world is directly reflective of what how I'm feeling about my relationship or what's going on there. So if things feel okay with us, then I feel okay. If things feel anything other than okay with us, I'm probably gonna be, you know, a mess. I'm gonna be really consumed by whatever I perceive to be the problems in my relationship. So there is this sense of, like, inextricable link between how I feel about life, about myself, and how I'm feeling about you and our relationship. And it can be very, very hard to separate those things because the relationship is so fundamental, so essential to our not only our identity, but our sense of safety. So that first one, your sense of worth and well-being is tethered to the status of your relationship.
[00:04:43]:
And I should say as a little footnote to that, it often means that, you know, you're particularly vulnerable or susceptible to disturbance, when things aren't perfect in your relationship. So, you know, whereas even secure people obviously are affected by what's going on in their relationship. It's not a purely anxious attachment trait to be, you know, bothered or saddened by things not feeling great in your relationship. For anxiously attached people, it's kind of any and every bump in the road feels disproportionately distressing, and it's very hard to compartmentalize or delineate between different areas of life. You know, if the relationship's bad, everything's bad. Okay. The next one is you struggle with separation anxiety and you catastrophise if you can't reach your partner. So physical proximity and connection tends to be very reassuring for anxiously attached people.
[00:05:36]:
There can be this sense of, you know, if you're right here and next to me, I can see you and I can feel you, then I know that everything's okay. But as soon as I lose that, you know, having you next to me and knowing, that that little bit of uncertainty, that little bit of distance, that little bit of unknown, all of my anxiety fills that space. And I can go very quickly into feeling insecure, and particularly so if I can't reach you. So it might be one thing if, you know, your partner goes to the shops or, you know, goes to work or whatever and you know where they are. That might be okay. That might not be so triggering for you. But if you then call them and they don't answer, and then maybe you call a second time and they don't answer, it's likely that you're gonna go very quickly to a worst case scenario of either they're hiding something from me, they're avoiding me, or something terrible has happened to them. So we can recognize that separation anxiety is a big piece for anxious attachment, and that particularly in circumstances where you are unable to reach them or you feel like you can't reach them, that's likely to very quickly activate you, send you into dysregulation, and, you know, a lot of kind of anxious thoughts and feelings and and behaviors are likely to flow from that place.
[00:06:55]:
Okay. The next one is you struggle to believe that your partner really loves and values you. So this is really sad, really, when we think about it. But anxiously attached people do tend to harbor fairly low self worth. And so I can really struggle to feel an intrinsic sense of value, a sense that, you know, I I believe that my partner loves me. I believe that my partner cares about me. I believe that they see my value. When we don't see that for ourselves, it's very hard to believe that our partner sees that in us.
[00:07:26]:
And, you know, that's why such a big piece of the healing work for anxious attachment is building up our sense of self worth so that we don't put our partners on a pedestal and put ourselves, you know, down very low relative to them, because that tends to, I think, both be fueled by the fear of abandonment, but also, in turn, add fuel to that fire. Because we think that we are, you know, lacking in value or worth, then we are much more likely to fear abandonment, because we don't see why our partner would want to be with us. And that can lead to a whole host of other behaviors, thoughts, insecurities, as you can imagine, when we don't really trust that our partner wants to be with us and and really does value us and the relationship. Okay. Number 4 is kind of related to number 3, which is you feel easily threatened by others and compare yourself to others. So here we're talking about jealousy, outside threats to the relationship, and comparison, really, really common among people with anxious attachment. And again, it's related to that same seed of low self worth, this sense of, if I don't really see my value, then I'm very easily threatened by any and every one or thing outside of the relationship that I perceive as potentially taking you away from me or competing with me in some way. So there can be an almost obsessive tendency to compare ourselves, to scrutinize, to be on the lookout for danger, so to speak.
[00:08:59]:
You know, that might be colleagues or exes or friends of your partner. You see them all as very threatening, and you, you know, go through comparisons of how you stack up relative to them. And that might feel like something that you have to do, or you might have to, you know, change yourself, improve yourself, relative to them, try and emulate them so that you feel less threatened by them. You feel like they're less likely to know, pose a threat to the relationship, to take your partner away from you, that your partner's gonna, you know, fall in love with them and leave you. So we can see those same, you know, threads of fear of abandonment and jealousy and low self worth, are all interwoven into that one as well. Okay. The next one is you have a hard time with needs and boundaries. So anxiously attached people tend to struggle with needs and boundaries almost at every step of the way.
[00:09:53]:
So knowing what their needs and boundaries are, so actually identifying that. Oftentimes, we're so divorced from our own needs, our own boundaries. We just have learned to not really have needs or boundaries, or, you know, have kind of numbed ourselves to those because we're so accustomed to, you know, going with other people's needs or boundaries, deferring to other people's needs and boundaries and comfort and happiness, that we've actually convinced ourselves that we don't have any needs or boundaries outside of our partners, for example. You know, if they're happy, I'm happy. As long as their needs are taken care of and everything seems fine, then that's all I need. Of course, that's not true, but it can feel really true, and it can mean that we have a hard time actually knowing what our needs are separate from the needs of our partner. So there's this process of, you know, figuring out what our needs and boundaries are. What am I comfortable with? What do I need? What's important to me in a relationship? The next one next step being kind of voicing those needs and boundaries to a partner, which can be really intimidating.
[00:10:58]:
Again, that fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, fear of I'm not worthy or deserving of having needs. And I'm worried that if I take up too much space or if I voice a need, then I'll be perceived as difficult, and someone will leave me. All of those things can really challenge us when it comes to actually taking that step of voicing our needs and boundaries. And then I think the third piece here is following through on advocating for those needs and boundaries, on an ongoing basis or in the face of pushback. So one of the things that I hear from people all the time is that they judge themselves very harshly, and they feel a lot of shame about not upholding their boundaries. So they might, you know, state a boundary or they might voice something, advocate for themselves. But when it comes down to it, if that that need or that boundary is in competition with their relationship or their connection, then the connection will win out and they'll kind of collapse on their boundary just to hold on to the relationship. And, you know, that process of actually holding firm on something that you say is really vitally important to you in a relationship, is, you know, a big part of the growth as well and can be very challenging for many, most, I would say, anxiously attached people.
[00:12:16]:
Okay. The next one is you have a tendency to overstay in relationships that aren't working. Now I will put my hand up and say that I have been guilty of this more than once in my life. But it is a really, really common experience with anxious attachment. Again, because the primacy of connection is so, you know, it's so paramount to you to your sense of identity, safety, you know, just feeling okay in the world, it can be such a foreign concept to walk away from a relationship, even a relationship that's, like, clearly dysfunctional, not working, where you're not happy or your needs are not being met. You know, I often sort of jokingly say that for anxiously attached people, you could spend, like, you know, months or even years telling your partner how unhappy you are. But the idea of actually leaving seems, you know, like the absolute last resort. For anxiously attached people, the urge is you know, I I complain about the relationship.
[00:13:18]:
I I lament all of the things that are missing, but I do that because I wanna change it from the inside rather than walking away. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that willingness to work on a relationship can be a really beautiful sign of commitment, But I think it has its shadow side, which is, you know, perhaps overstaying when the right thing to do might be to walk away, when we're really not getting anywhere, when we really are not happy or fulfilled. And I think overstaying when the writing's on the wall, because we're too afraid of stepping out into the void of being separate from that relationship, I think that can be one of the big struggles of people with anxious attachment. The next one, which is number 7, for anyone who's keeping count, you have a savior complex and are drawn to people who need fixing. So many anxiously attached people have, I would say, yeah, a heightened sense of emotional attunement and are really good at, you know, being empathically connected to others and really understanding people's pain, which is such a beautiful trait. It really is. I think it's what makes anxiously attached people, great friends and great partners.
[00:14:38]:
It's probably what makes me good at my job. Being able to see people and understand them and and really tune into their feelings. The the underbelly of this, we might say the shadow side, can show up as this savior complex, this sense of, because I feel like that's a way I can show value or be valuable, you know, to support you emotionally, to see your pain, to hold your pain, that I gravitate towards people who I see as needing, saving, helping, or fixing. So can often find yourself dating someone with, you know, a lot of unresolved issues or who, you know, has a lot of pain. And again, that's not to say that, you know, you shouldn't date people like that. And I think we all have our, our stuff, our baggage that we're all working through. But I do think we need to be mindful of the extent to which we are taking someone on as a project and we are making it our mission to change them and you know, how that might be tied up with our own sense of worth this sense of, you know, they'll change for me. They've been this way in the past.
[00:15:54]:
They've always struggled with this thing, but once I, you know, am able to show them my love and care for them and support them, that's gonna be the thing that, you know, triggers their metamorphosis into something else. And I think that that can be coming from a place within us of low self worth, again, common thread, and of feeling like, you you know, if I can do that, then I will have really proved myself. And like, then I'll know that I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, and this person won't leave me because they'll be so indebted to me, for having saved them. So, you know, as I said, while there's some beautiful things in there and, you know, wanting to support someone's growth, beautiful. Wanting to support someone's healing, great. Taking it upon yourself to be someone's, like, coach or therapist or saviour? Not so great and can get us stuck in some pretty imbalanced dynamics. So the savior complex is one to look out for. Okay.
[00:16:56]:
Number 8 is you don't really know who you are outside of a relationship. So, again, we've touched on this, this sense of my whole identity is handed over to the relationship, everything that I do, everything that I like or dislike, my preferences, my hobbies, the way that I spend my time, I kind of give over all of myself to the relationship. And so the idea of being outside of a relationship, being single, or the relationship ending, is very daunting to me because I've not got a clear sense of who I am if I'm not, you know, part of this unit. And so I think a really big part of the growth for anxiously attached people for that reason is actually diversifying their time and energy away from the relationship, not to an extreme degree. Obviously, it's perfectly fine and normal to wanna, do things with your partner and have shared experiences. But when we put all of our eggs in that basket, we tend to, again, have a bit of an imbalance and it makes us really vulnerable to, you know, what our first point was, which is if anything feels like it's off in the relationship, then our whole life feels like it's crumbling because our whole life sits in that bucket of the relationship. Whereas if we've got, you know, more things propping up our life, more like legs propping up the table, then it's likely to be less vulnerable and wobbly, and we're likely to have more of a sense of resilience. Okay.
[00:18:24]:
Number 9 is you tend towards overgiving and excessive self sacrifice. So most anxiously attached people are givers. Right? And as much as we can complain, I think this is one of the ones where we have to be, like, so brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves, and I'll be the first to put my hand up. We can complain that, like, oh, I'm always the one giving or thinking about you or caring for you or supporting you. And yet we're not very good at asking for support or receiving it when it is given to us. Because I think receiving is actually a very, very vulnerable thing to do, particularly when you are accustomed to being the giver. So there can be this sense of giving and giving and giving either to make ourselves, you know, again, more valuable, more indispensable to someone. If I take care of you, if I attend to all of your needs, you know, if I do everything for you, then you won't want to live without me because I make your life so much easier.
[00:19:22]:
And if you don't want to live without me, then I'm not going to lose you. So there can be some comfort derived from that dynamic, even when we might complain about that dynamic and, you know, the lack of reciprocity that exists there. So being mindful of that, and if you notice that within yourself, again, like there's pieces to it. It's, do I need to pull back on my giving and do I need to practice like, asking and receiving, so that it feels like there's more mutuality and reciprocity in the relationship? Okay. And number 10 is you require a lot of reassurance from your partner, but you struggle to believe it. So anxiously attached people can often try and manage their fears and insecurities by seeking, you know, very regular ongoing reassurance from their partner. And while, you know, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking reassurance from time to time, there can be a sense of, like, there'll never be enough reassurance to really soothe that wound. If you're expecting your partner to make it all okay, you know, every time you're feeling insecure, every time you're feeling anxious, you're relying on your partner to make that feeling go away, and needing them to kind of talk you off the ledge.
[00:20:37]:
I don't know about you, but in my experience, that tends to be a very, very temporary fix. And it doesn't actually get to the heart of what is causing that insecurity to come up again and again and again. So while it can be a really beautiful thing in a relationship for a partner to participate in your healing by giving that reassurance, we do have to be mindful of our expectations around that and, what we're hoping our partner's gonna be able to do for us, and what their role is in our growth and healing, in terms of convincing us that everything's okay and that they love us even though, you know, nothing's really happened. We've just got these ongoing fears that are really rampant within us. So finding the balance there between, you know, what's my work to do? What's my stuff to tend to, and what's a kind of reasonable and healthy role for my partner to play in that, is a big part of the work as well. Okay. So that was points 1 to 10. I'm gonna pause there.
[00:21:42]:
And as I said, we'll have part 2, which is points 11 to 20, traits of the anxious attachment style. I'm gonna release that in a couple of days' time. So I hope that you really enjoyed this. I hope that it's, you know, dug a little deeper than just the, you know, typical listicles that you might see around traits of the anxious attachment style, giving a little more insight into, like, what sits underneath those and what drives them. And as I said, if you resonate with some or most of these or maybe all of them, definitely jump on the wait list for healing, anxious attachment. I would love to be able to support you as you work on these things, as you do some unlearning and some relearning of new ways. So definitely jump on the wait list if you're interested. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again in a few days' time with part 2.Thanks, guys.
[00:22:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, anxious attachment, relationship, insecurity, self awareness, traits, anxious attachment style, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, emotional needs, boundaries, separation anxiety, jealousy, saviour complex, overgiving, self-sacrifice, reassurance, identity, worth, well-being, emotional attunement, validation, maturation, self growth, value, anxiously attached, secure relationships, healing, emotional support, relationship coach
From Conflict to Connection with James "Fish" Gill (@james_fish_gill)
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by James "Fish" Gill to talk all things conflict and conscious communication. Fish is a coach, teacher and facilitator whose work offers a compassionate paradigm for relating to and transforming moments of conflict in all of our relationships.
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by James "Fish" Gill to talk all things conflict and conscious communication. Fish is a coach, teacher and facilitator whose work offers a compassionate paradigm for relating to and transforming moments of conflict in all of our relationships.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground, including:
Why we so easily end up in conflict and opposition with people we love
How we unconsciously escalate conflict
Using compassion and curiosity to understand someone else's perspective
Holding both positive intention and unintended impact as true
Reframing defensiveness, withdrawal and other assumed ill-intent......and so much more!
To connect with James:
On Instagram: @james_fish_gill
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a recent conflict you experienced. Can you identify any unconscious communication patterns, such as defence mechanisms or fault-finding, that may have played a role? How might recognising and addressing these patterns change the dynamic of the interaction?
Consider a time when you found it challenging to see the good intentions in someone’s behaviour that was generally condemned. What emotions did this stir in you, and how did it affect your response to the individual and the situation?
Think about an instance where you felt hurt by someone close to you. How did you react initially, and how might considering their pain and deeper intentions, as James suggests with his three questions, have altered your perspective and response?
Resistance in relationships can be a significant barrier to connection. Have you encountered resistance from someone recently? How did you approach it, and in hindsight, how could understanding and validating their experience have made a difference?
Analyse your own behaviour in conflicts. Are there ways in which you might inadvertently contribute to, or escalate, tensions? What steps can you take to become more self-aware and adjust your approach to conflict resolution?
Recall a time when your good intentions were misunderstood, leading to conflict. How did you address the situation? Going forward, how can you ensure that your intentions are communicated effectively, and how can you also acknowledge any unintended upset they may cause?
Think about the concept of compassion towards oneself and others during conflict. Do you find it easy or challenging to lead with compassion when facing resistance or hostility? How could adopting a more compassionate stance impact your relationships?
On a broader scale, consider an international or community conflict that is significant to you. Applying James' worldview of acknowledging the tender longings and pain of all humans, how might this perspective shift your understanding of the conflict and the parties involved?
Have you ever felt compelled to cut someone out of your life because they upset you? Reflect on the cultural misunderstandings around compassion that James critiques. Might there be a different approach that acknowledges your own boundaries while also striving for understanding?
When was the last time someone demanded that you make the first move to resolve a conflict? How did this make you feel, and what was the outcome? Reflecting on this, how might taking the first step yourself, despite the challenge, create new opportunities for connection and healing?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm so excited to be joined by my dear friend and teacher, James Fish Gill. Fish is a coach, yoga teacher and facilitator and his work focuses on conflict and using conscious communication and a compassion led approach to transform moments of conflict into deeper connection. His work has been incredibly impactful on my own work and I'm so excited to have him here on the podcast to share with you. Our conversation covers a lot of ground and there's so much wisdom in there, so I hope that you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed recording it for you.
Stephanie [00:01:14]:
Now, just before we kick off, a quick reminder that my signature programme, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening for enrollment in a couple of weeks time. If you're not already on the waitlist and you would like to be, definitely head to my website or use the link in the show notes. The waitlist guarantees you a spot in the programme and also allows you to access exclusive early bird pricing. This is my signature programme that over 1500 people have been through in the past two years. So it's very near and dear to my heart and will be the last round that I'm running for the foreseeable future as I'll be taking some time away to have a baby. So if you are someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and you'd like some tools and a really comprehensive approach to understanding yourself better and learning a new way of being in relationship that is more spacious and freeing, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment. So definitely jump on the waitlist if you haven't already. Okay, now for my conversation with fish Gill.
Stephanie [00:02:21]:
Hi, Fish. So great to be here with you.
James [00:02:24]:
It's great to join you. Steph, I'm so always so moved by how articulate you are about the nuances of relationship and humanness. Yeah. So I hold you in very high regard, so it's beautiful to join you.
Stephanie [00:02:43]:
Likewise. We've been talking about this for about six months, I think, since I came to a workshop that you were running in Sydney and then I had to go and get myself pregnant and that put everything on the back burner for a bit, but we're finally doing it.
James [00:02:57]:
That's a reasonable excuse?
Stephanie [00:02:59]:
Yeah, I would hope so. But it's thrown some of my plans into disarray in the short term. But it's okay, we've made it. So maybe for those who are uninitiated in you and your world and what you do, you could give us a quick 101 of conscious communication. But I think that's like, even that is kind of a big umbrella thing. And I think you have such a distinctive expression of that work which I hold in such high regard. Obviously, I think we connected on Instagram maybe a couple of years ago now, but I was fortunate enough to come to a workshop that you ran, as I said, in Sydney last year and within about 3 seconds of that wrapping up, signed up for your facilitator training programme, which I'm doing at the moment. So suffice it to say, I'm a huge fan of your work and your way of doing things. So maybe you could give people a bit of a flavour of what you do.
James [00:04:00]:
Where do I begin? So many doorways that we could walk through. I think really the real essence of what I term conscious communication is realising that in the face of our inevitable relationship upsets, which, by the way, we don't necessarily relate to conflict, misunderstanding, hurts, fights as inevitable. We might even sort of relate to them as bad or wrong. But once we realise that relationship upset is inevitable, then we can start to get really quite skillful at how we meet it. And one of the essence of this work is really the realisation that to transform a moment of upset between us and others, we need to create open heartedness. And yet conflict will necessarily be characterised by closed heartedness, both in us and in them. And so the work that I teach and the invitations that I make to students at my work is, are you willing to be the one to recommence the opening between you and them? Because we can't evoke someone's openness by meeting them with our closedness. We have to evoke them with our openness.
James [00:05:45]:
And what I mean. So some people might be listening and going, what is this open and closed of which you speak? What I mean by openness is that sense that you get when someone reaches out to you and expresses their appreciation for you. Or someone sends you a message saying, I'm thinking of you, or I love you, or I care about you, or thank you, or I'm sorry, or you must have really been suffering recently and I can't imagine how it was for you. Like all these ways in which someone gets in our world, it opens us. Right. I've just received text message thread from my two sisters and we're organising to catch up this evening for a glass of wine. And as soon as they start to express how excited they are to see me, my heart naturally opens. And then what I mean by closedness is the other very natural state of the heart where something happens and we feel suddenly criticised by them, or misunderstood by them, or falsely accused by them, or cast out by them, or judged or unthought of or excluded.
James [00:07:04]:
And I don't even have to think about it, I don't plan my heart closing. It just naturally happens. I've recently been through a very tender experience where communication was cut by someone I love very deeply. And immediately upon that happening, I noticed this absolute stone cold closedness that arose in me. And so the work of conscious communication really begins by recognising that hearts have the capacity to be open or closed.
Stephanie [00:07:40]:
Yeah.
James [00:07:41]:
And to address our inevitable relationship hurts, misunderstandings, conflicts and upsets, we have to be able to create, evoke openness between us and between us and them. And we have to do that by evoking openness in us first, to meet them with our openness. Another way of considering conflict is my nervous system and your nervous system colliding in a state of distress. And as soon as nervous systems meet in distress, the distress amplifies, even if you're quite calm and I walk in the door home from work and I'm like, freaking traffic, you will start to feel a sense of distress in your nervous system that is responding to the distress in mine. So to be able to transform relationship upset, I have to create a sense of safety in me, in my nervous system. The absence of threat, that is, and meet you with that, so that I evoke your safety. And that might sound simple, but you know very well that that's not at all how we're hardwired. As soon as conflict arises, as soon as some uncertain moment surfaces, we immediately contract. And they immediately contract, and then we tend to start to communicate from that contraction. And that sounds like blame, it sounds like dismissal, it sounds like always or never statements. It sounds. What was that?
Stephanie [00:09:36]:
Why should I? And I think that so much of what you're saying, and I know we've talked about this, fish, is that it takes this openness, and I would say, like, immense courage to lead with openness when everything in our being is saying, like, close, contract, protect, defend. To be the one to open in the face of that, when you can't guarantee the outcome, it takes a lot of courage. And I think that certainly that fear based part of us, or the hurt, the pain can say, like, why should I have to be the one to open? Why should I have to lead resolution or lead repair? And I think that can in and of itself, be such a fruitful, juicy inquiry into our own stuff, our own pain and hurt.
James [00:10:33]:
It's a magnificent insight into humanness, Steph, that, you know, if I had a dollar for every time someone said, yeah, but why is it mine to do the opening? Listen to what they said or did. I'm not going to be the one to open. I've got to wait for them to do the opening because it's their job to do the opening for us because they are at fault. It's such a natural human response. And this is part of getting conscious, that is bringing our awareness to things that we're not aware of naturally, is we wait for the openness from them. We demand it. Think about the last time someone did something that really upset you. Chances are, metaphorically, even if not physically, you kind of crossed your arms and gave a bit of a.
James [00:11:30]:
And stood in the place of you. Better remedy this for us because look at how hurt I am. So we naturally adopt this stance of closedness and demanding them to be the one to reopen us. That's very natural. But when you consider that's happening on both ends of the argument, you start to realise why conflict escalates. Because the more I demand, if you and I are in conflict, the more I demand that you're the one to do the opening for us, the more you're going to feel blamed by me. And what does that evoke in you? Closedness, withdrawal, defensiveness, hurt, feeling villainized, feeling misunderstood. And the more you experience that, the more you're going to feel like it's my job to be the compassionate one, to get over there in your world.
James [00:12:33]:
And the more you do that to me, the more you demand that I'm the one to open, the more misunderstood I feel about how hurt I am and how it's definitely your job to do the opening. So it becomes like this mexican standoff where we're both just arms crossed in a hump, thinking, I'm only going to open when you do. With both human beings doing that, conflict is guaranteed to endure and to escalate. So, yeah, what a critical question. Why would I be willing to be the one? And as you know, another critical question becomes, how? Like, if I am willing, how on earth do I open and stand in a place of radical compassion? When I've been really seriously upset or hurt or cast out by someone who I have every right to be more loving than that, how and why would I be open? And this brings us to the fact that in our world, and I can't speak to whether this has always been true on the planet, but certainly in our culture or in our mixture of cultures, currently, there is this incredible misunderstanding of compassion, as if to be compassionate is to condone hurtful or unsafe behaviour. And so much of this is what I love about your work, Steph, is because you come from such a kindness and compassion and humanity about both people, what's the dynamic? What's going on for both people? What's their experience? But so much of the relationship, Instagram, pop psychology stuff around relationships and boundaries, takes the flavour of, if people upset you, then you deserve better. Cut them out of your life.
Stephanie [00:14:45]:
You know how that goes for you.
James [00:14:47]:
Yeah. If you take that path, you're just going to end up incredibly alone, while also just feeling justified that you're good and everyone else is not good enough. That's a lonely, lonely path. So to actually start to realise that we don't see all the ways in which we naturally contribute to opposition and upset in every moment, we don't see the ways. And as you understand the work that I do is, let's start to see all the ways. I was making a list the other day that was titled ways that we contribute to and escalate conflict. And my list is at 15. At the moment, there's 15 different ways that we usually can't notice that we actually make opposition between us and others, all the time thinking that we didn't do any of that.
James [00:15:51]:
It was them.
Stephanie [00:15:52]:
Yeah. And I think that, again, I've spoken to you about this in my own processes around this work. It can be really hard when you have a self image that is like, but I'm good. I'm the good one. I'm the one putting in the effort and trying to say the thing in the right way. And all of that stuff that we tell ourselves, how could my goodness, be misconstrued here and be landing so differently on this other person? And so there is this, I think, particularly for those of us who tend more towards that fawning response, or I'll fix it, and I'll very gently kind of manoeuvre around this to try and make everything feel really good and harmonious and connected, because that can look really sweet. We really can struggle to own or take responsibility for or get curious about how that might be received, or that there could be anything other than that good intention that we're kind of putting out there. It can just feel really unfair, like this sense of injustice, of how did this good thing become another conflict when that's the opposite of what I was wanting.
James [00:17:09]:
Exactly. Beautiful. So if we were to divide my work into two halves, you're speaking to one half of it, which is becoming masterful at having our good intentions land. Because all your listeners right now, if I asked you, what good intention thing have you done in the last week? You'd probably come up with 100. As human beings, we move from a place of longing and yearning for ourselves to be safe and well and happy and joyful and at ease, and also for others. So there's such upset that arises for us when we've taken some action or said something or even not taken an action based on some beautiful, valid intention that we had. Look how loving I was being. Right? Look how loving I was being.
James [00:18:10]:
And what we did or said was received so poorly by them. I'll use the example that I think you're familiar with. But when my daughter, who's now 24, when she was 22, I arranged a 22nd birthday party for her and we gathered around at a local bar and had this beautiful food and everyone was there. And midway through the night, I dinged my glass and I said, I just want to say a few words about this remarkable young woman before us. And I spoke to three of her greatest character strengths. She's also beautiful and accomplished, but I wanted to speak to the essence of her, like her character, the part of her that all of us get to witness and love. So I talked about her wisdom and I talked about her courage and I talked about her kindness. And there I am, just pouring out my heart and there's not a dry eye in the place because everyone feels like their love for my daughter also got recognised in my speech.
James [00:19:19]:
But down the end of the table, when I finally catch a glimpse of my daughter, her arms are crossed, her face is red, she's turned away from me. And when I go to speak to her after the speech, she's like, I don't want to talk about it, dad. And avoids me for the rest of the night. So there's an example where my beautiful, loving intention, which was to be fully expressed in my love for her and to leave her feeling deeply honoured on her birthday and make it all about her. I couldn't work out why it was a problem for her. And this is one of the unconscious assumptions, one of the two unconscious assumptions that we make. Because my intentions were so wonderful, they should have received it as wonderful in reality. It turns out, in every moment of conflict, that while I had beautiful intentions, they also experienced some unintended upset as a result of what I did or said.
James [00:20:25]:
So it turns out later on I find out, through getting curious, that she's left feeling unfairly put on the spot, ambushed with emotionality, dad's emotionality. She felt embarrassed and she felt like her needs weren't being considered. Like I was making her birthday all about me and my expression instead of feeling into her and what she wanted, which was just a light touch and a fun night. So once we start to look for all the ways in which we had such loving intentions, and our loving intentions landed as hurtful or distressing or upsetting for someone, we start to see, actually everywhere. That recipe is everywhere. Unconscious communication says once we can start to recognise that upset is characterised by I had a loving intention and my actions created an upset for you, then we stop resisting reality and we get connected to reality. Because only when I'm connected to that truth, that my loving intentions are real and the upset my daughter felt is also real. Only when I can get connected to those two things and hold them both and deeply honour them both to the extent that they both ache to be honoured, only then am I standing in reality.
James [00:22:02]:
And remember, back in the unconscious model, I'm standing there going, I don't know what your problem is, darling. I gave a loving speech. Get over yourself. How dare you respond that way? You should be more appreciative. Anyone would love a father who spoke so openly about his love for her. So can you hear how my natural response is to try and make her wrong for the experience that she's having? Whereas conscious communication says, of course you're having an experience, and it differs from the experience I wanted you to have. And both those things are true.
Stephanie [00:22:42]:
Yeah. I think that the speed with which we go to defend our good intention, it's so automatic. It's like muscle memory. And it's still something that I really struggle with a lot, because, again, it feels so true. Right. I've heard you speak about this before, fish. It's like, of course our reality feels true and of course we have infinite context for everything that we want and feel and everything we've ever experienced. It feels true because we're so deep in it.
Stephanie [00:23:23]:
And it can be unfathomable that there's this big disconnect between what we wanted and how we're being perceived or how something landed for someone else. I think that having that ability to hold both is not something that comes naturally to most of us and is something that we really do have to actively practise and cultivate because it's so counter to everything that we've ever really been taught about the world and in every story, in the media, in global politics, everywhere, it's just so deeply oppositional. We're always looking to figure out, okay, but who was worse and better or who was at fault or who was to blame. We just seek out that kind of clean cut certainty that invariably misses reality.
James [00:24:14]:
You can understand how, like, if I go back to my scenario with my daughter on her 22nd birthday, if the approach I take is telling her she shouldn't feel how she feels, then she's actually going to experience being dismissed by me and that's going to deepen the rift between us. She's going to feel like I'm completely unwilling to be responsible for the very real pain my actions caused her. But over here in my world, I'm just trying to convince her of my goodness, which is real as well. And so I think, Steph, you speak to it like a core ache or a core wound in us. Any moment that our goodness is not recognised, it fucking hurts. And we recoil from the accusation of being somehow bad or wrong or a pain causer or a villain, insensitive or nasty or controlling or any other label that they might give us. So let's for a moment validate why. Let's look at a little bit more deeply why we find it so hard to stay open and present when someone else expresses the pain that our actions brought them.
James [00:25:33]:
Going back to my scenario, number one is that I'm sending the gift of love and it's not being received. And that's heartbreaking for us anytime that the love that we're trying to exhibit or transmit to others for their well being, anytime that doesn't land, it's distressing for us, right? Because it's like the channel of love didn't remain open, it got pinched off somewhere. Number two is because we care about them and they're expressing pain to us. We don't want their pain because we care about them. So there's also distress in the fact that they're sitting with pain. And number three, it's likely that when they're expressing their pain to us, they're taking the form of blame, like saying, you did this to me. Very natural. Most human beings naturally communicate their pain through the lens of blame.
James [00:26:38]:
Look at what you've done to me. So that's painful for us because they're asking us to be responsible for some pain that they've got that we don't want for them. That differs from what we were trying to send to them. It's like if I used a postal service analogy, it's like me sending chocolates to you and you opening your front door and ringing me and saying, how dare you send this bag of dog shit to me? And I'm like, hang on a sec. I don't want you to have the dog shit because I care about you. I'm not at fault for the dog shit you think I sent. And why didn't you receive the chocolates? Right. So it's like, that might be a really clumsy analogy, but it starts to really make sense of why we naturally recoil anytime someone comes to us and expresses their pain.
James [00:27:30]:
For as long as I recoil from my daughter's pain, the relationship goes untended to the gap between me and her widens the more dismissed or uncared for she feels and the more falsely accused I feel. So the only way that we can repair that is one of us has to bridge the gap and hold both of those things. Look at what I was hoping for and look at what she was suffering with and, you know, making that sort of jump over the bridge between our self centred view into the expanded view of me and you. You know what that takes because you've been practising doing it. And I really think that's a spiritual practise, because we're having to get out of our little ego seat, which is so sure, based on our own data. I'm so sure, as her loving dad, because of the love I feel and the words I'm speaking and everyone's teary eyes, I'm so sure that the reality of that moment is that I was being loving. So clearly the problem's over there with her interpretation. Right? That's how the ego, which is a wonderfully protective mechanism to keep ourselves distinct and safe and have our identity maintained.
James [00:28:56]:
But in that case, my ego, the way that I'm trapped in my own view, based on my own data, keeps me in disconnection with my daughter because I start to just make her wrong effortlessly. You're being ridiculous. You've taken things the wrong way. You're being emotional. Here we go again. You should be more appreciative. And fuel to the fire. Right? So what that has to sound like eventually, if I can expand my awareness, I can come to her and I can try to hold both of those.
James [00:29:34]:
Which starts to sound a little bit like this. My love. When I gave that speech yesterday at your birthday, I was so longing to be fully expressed for the extraordinary love I have for you. And I just wanted you to be the recipient of that love, not just mine, but everyone's. And I've started to realise that how I went about expressing my love may well have left you feeling embarrassed, unfairly put on the spot, like you're being ambushed with dad's emotionality and might have even left you feeling as if I didn't consider your needs. So maybe you felt hurt or angry or disappointed or frustrated. Can you hear that? In those two parts of my offer, what I call an offer, I'm speaking very fiercely to the love in my heart, to the goodness in me, but I'm also speaking equally fiercely to the unintended pain that my actions created. We can only do that if we are prepared to recognise that as we move through our world with beautiful intentions in our heart, we are constantly creating unintended upset for others, like, constantly.
James [00:30:56]:
And that's a little confronting because we think no loving intention should just be enough.
Stephanie [00:31:04]:
Yeah. I think that hearing that expression, that offer, you can see how. You can feel how it just melts defences. Right? There's not much to fight against in that offer. And so it really is so contrary to the default mode that most of us take to conflict. Right. And it is really, really disarming very naturally. I think, in the same way that the alternative is naturally going to increase conflict and opposition and closedness can see how openness sort of just cascades from that kind of offer to someone of like, oh, yeah, my goodness.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
But also I can see that and I really didn't want that for you, but I can see that it's real and I'm so sorry about that.
James [00:31:54]:
Yeah. And this is how we use communication to bring emotional safety into the room, because can you feel if I go to her and say, I don't know what your problem is, you're being ridiculous, and she says, why don't you give a shit about my needs, dad? It's my birthday. You can feel the direction that conversation is going to head. And in that moment of conflict, there's no safety for me because I'm not having my goodness recognised. And there's no safety for her because it feels like her very real pain is getting dismissed by her father. So to generate safety, that offer says, hey, I'm going to speak fiercely to the goodness in me and I'm also going to speak very fiercely to the very real pain that you may well be in. So what's happening there is I get to be valid and she gets to be valid. So we're vacuuming out of the space all the natural unconscious tendencies about who's right and who's wrong, who's more valid than the other, what should or shouldn't have happened, who's being x or Y or z in terms of how I label your behaviour.
James [00:33:08]:
So we're vacuuming out all the oppositional aspects of our unconscious way of communicating, which is attack and defend, right and wrong, you versus me, whose fault is it? And once we vacuum out all the oppositional tendencies, we're just left with two people having very real experiences.
Stephanie [00:33:28]:
So I wonder, because I think in the story of your daughter's birthday, your good intention is more readily discernible, and so no one's going to be looking at that and being like, what a dick, right? How could he have done that? So I wonder if we could talk about some more challenging examples where most people would look at a behaviour and go, not great behaviour. Where's the good intention in that? Where it feels a little bit more opaque or murky? Because I think that's where people struggle. It's certainly where I receive a lot of pushback online, and I know you do as well when you start to invite compassion for people whose behaviour is frowned upon, or that we generally condemn as being bad or unhealthy or whatever.
James [00:34:19]:
Toxic.
Stephanie [00:34:21]:
Yeah, toxic, everyone's favourite word. And as you said earlier, I think that misunderstanding that to be compassionate is to condone behaviour. And so people then have this big visceral response against, well, how am I meant to have compassion for that or feel into some positive intention there? Because that's such bad behaviour. And if I do that, doesn't that mean they're just going to keep doing that thing? And I don't want that. So I'll go back to holding my arms.
James [00:34:46]:
Yeah, exactly. Beautiful. Okay, so what we have just been talking about is the first half of this work, which is my beautiful intention, and the unintended upset that I created for my daughter and how they coexist. Now we're moving to the second half, which is the opposite. It's the very real pain I'm in and the deeper intentions behind what someone else did to me. Right. This is an extra challenging half, because the more pain we have experienced as a result of what someone did, the less we naturally have the capacity to be compassionate towards where their actions came from naturally our compassion goes offline under threat or in the space of unsafety or hurt or rejection or fear, et cetera, naturally goes offline. So I just want to say up front and you know this, but people listening to this kind of short little excerpt of this work might not know this.
James [00:35:59]:
Conscious communication has nothing to do with condoning behaviour that creates an unsafety or a hurt or a distrust in us. Nothing to do with condoning that behaviour and healthy relationship often will look like considering at what distance do I need to be from certain behaviours in order to still feel safe in myself? So let's get that kind of disclaimer up the front. And at the same time, there's some things hidden from our view. When someone does or says something that hurts us, there's a bunch of things that we can't naturally see that conscious communication helps us to see. I will use the example of a few years ago now finding out that my wonderful ex wife, she and I get on fantastically. It was just on the phone to her before we got on this call, finding out that my ex wife at some point had spoken to some people in my community that I don't even know, people sort of around and about, people who know me spoken to a few people and revealed some very kind of personal things that suddenly sort of spread like wildfire. And a client of mine came to me and said, hey, I've just heard some things about you and suddenly I'm just left a little bit unsure about whether I actually feel okay to work with you. So I was fortunate that this client came to me and shared that.
James [00:37:40]:
So obviously as you might be able to feel into that. What that left me with was feeling deceived, feeling unfairly revealed, judged, fearful of a judgement being in my community that I had no idea what it was or whether I could even have a chance to speak to it and really hurt. Actually, from that standpoint of being with my hurt, it's very natural for me to look at my ex wife's intentions and leap to some conclusions, such as she's being nasty, she's being controlling, she's being hurtful, she's being malicious, she's spreading rumours, she just wants to bring me down. It's very natural for me to leap to those conclusions. And that really is the world of unconscious communication where we immediately leap to our analysis about someone's intention that is wholly based on our pain. And by the way, our pain is very real. And if my pain is the only data I have access to, then it's easy for me to reach the conclusion that they must be a pain causer. Only when I can start to recognise that she would have had some deeper, valid yearning in her beautiful, tender heart do I ever start to get anywhere near the truth.
James [00:39:08]:
And that was difficult for me to start to do because I just wanted to say, what a such and such. What a such and such for bringing such ill repute on me and leaving me in such. How unfair, how unreasonable, when I look deeper into that, into her intentions. And here are three questions that I considered to go deeper into her intentions. Remember, I'm not condoning that behaviour. Number one, what pain might she have been wanting to express? And remember, we'd been through a divorce and I'd left the relationship. And me leaving the relationship was absolutely devastating and heartbreaking to her. She was left with both of our children to care for full time for a while before we could work out how to do that together.
James [00:39:58]:
It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking for her. So much pain for her. Devastating. So question number one, what pain was she maybe trying to have expressed by sharing what she did with certain people? Number two, what pain was she trying to get out of or avoid or lessen? A good example of that is when we might deceive our partner, when we might not be transparent about something, which I'm not condoning. I'm not condoning an absence of transparency. In fact, I will champion transparency. But why we might deceive our partner is because there's some risk that we're trying to avoid.
James [00:40:46]:
The risk of upsetting them with the truth, the risk of being judged by being seen for who we really are, the risk of it being taken the wrong way and then plunging us back into conflict when we've just had such a beautiful couple of days after that big fight. So question number two is, what pain might they be trying to avoid? The risk of, or lessen or diminish by doing what they did. And question number three is, what pain of theirs do they need us to taste so that they feel much less alone and much more attuned to in the pain that they're in? And that question number three really goes to the very heart of the most malicious acts. If we look for a moment at Israel Palestine, the dropping of bombs, the shooting of people, the killing of innocent civilians, the holding of captives, on the surface, they just appear incredibly malicious. And, of course, the pain that they create, not just for the individuals involved, but for the whole world, is enormous. And I would never condone such actions at the same time. So many of those actions are based on that. Question number three.
James [00:42:17]:
Some of your listeners will know this in themselves. The pain that we've been through, some of the things that we've done in order to try and get someone else to finally taste what it's been like for us. I think I was sharing with you the other day that one of my wonderful clients that I worked with last year, when I got on a call with her, I said, how are you? And she said, a terrible, terrible. I said, what happened? And she said, I've just sent this terrible message to my ex husband on the eve of our court case to try and work out who gets the kids. And I said, me being me, me being a conflict nerd, I rubbed my hands together and said, let's read the text. Inappropriately fascinated by conflict. And she said, okay, I'll redid the text, but don't judge me. She said.
James [00:43:08]:
She read it out and it said, the day that I met you was the worst day of my life. So she'd composed this text, sent it off to her ex husband on the eve of their court case. Now, if we stand in his shoes, that just appears malicious, doesn't it? Just appears malicious. And he's probably going to reach the conclusion that she's a crazy bitch and the kids are better off with me. And here's how I'm going to add it to my court case, my legal proceedings, and I'm going to make sure that crazy mum doesn't get access like she wants. So things escalate that way. But when we stand in her shoes and obviously she's got regret and remorse for what she sent, but if we get under the surface of where it came from, where it was sent from, we start to realise, and it took her a little while to kind of feel into this with me, but I said, what were you ultimately hoping for? And where she got to was. She said, ultimately, I was hoping for my ex husband to feel the extraordinary pain I've been through since our separation.
James [00:44:10]:
And that's so human. It's so human. I'm not condoning the way she went about it at all. That was very unskillful because it didn't create. It didn't evoke in him an openness to her pain, did it? It immediately shut him down. So those three questions, what pain wants to be expressed, what pain is wanting to be avoided? And what pain do they want us to taste so that they feel attuned to in their pain? Those three questions take us deeper than the errant assumption that they are essentially bad or wrong and wanted our pain. And once we can start to feel into the fact that they wanted something valid and our pain is real, now we're standing in reality. Part of the beauty of that is once we can start to dissolve our assumptions about others as bad, something shifts in our heart in terms of our relationship with the world.
James [00:45:14]:
So the book I'm writing at the moment is called how to fall in love with humanity. Because what starts to happen over time, and I've witnessed this with countless clients, we can start to relate to someone's shitty behaviour as an unskillful way to go about what they were yearning for. That created very real pain for us that we don't need to be anywhere near. But that view of reality is far different than some people are just evil and out to get me and want bad things.
Stephanie [00:45:46]:
Yeah.
James [00:45:47]:
And I've never, in all the thousands of conversations, tens of thousands of conversations over the last 15 years of this work, no one has ever failed to find a deeper, more human yearning in the heart of someone who's hurt them. No one has ever failed to find something much more nuanced and rich and real than they wanted me to suffer.
Stephanie [00:46:16]:
Yeah. And I think that certainly in my experience, there is such freedom in that recognition because you can get really stuck in holding on to the story of, like, that person's just an asshole, that person is just bad, and they meant to hurt me. And we can just spin around in that for a long time. And I don't know about you or anyone listening, but that's never really helped me to feel better in a meaningful sense. It feels kind of juicy in the sense of a sugar hit. Temporarily it gives us something, but it doesn't really sustain us and it certainly doesn't free us from the pain that we're in. Keeps us in it.
James [00:47:05]:
Holding. Yeah. Latching on, being weathered to my assumptions of someone's malicious intent. The sugar hit of that, the kind of junk food aspect of that, that kind of feels zingy and tasty on the tongue is the fact that if I can label someone as bad, then it means that my pain must be valid. Like all the ex partners in the world now going, oh, it makes sense that I was suffering because turns out my ex partner is a narcissist. Like, everyone loves to reach for that, because it has this immediate flavour of validating the very real pain I've been through. Right. If they're the villain, then suddenly I must be valid in the hurt that I've sustained.
James [00:47:46]:
But you're right, it doesn't lead us into an interconnected world, an interrelationship. And if we're committed to interrelationship or inter being or interdependence, which is what relationship is, then we have to be able to move beyond the assumptions of malicious intent. If I come back to my story with my ex wife, it took me a couple of days to tend to my own upset of that. I felt really hurt, like really hurt and really falsely accused and really kind of, what's the word? Almost tricked, right? But when I started to really feel into the heart of the woman that for 15 years I loved more than anything, right? So it's like my heart can actually feel into hers if I allow it. I started to realise that what might have been behind her doing that was actually that she wanted her pain understood by others around her, even people who didn't know me. She wanted to feel like her pain that was still alive for her because of some things that had happened between us. She wanted to feel like she had allies. And so she achieved that by sharing what had happened between us that really left her pain.
James [00:49:02]:
And as soon as I can start to tune into that, I go, you know what? I also want her to have allies in her pain, just like she does. I also want her to have the experience in her heart that her pain is valid and not being dismissed. I want that for her as well. That is the essence of love, when you can start to feel into what someone was yearning for and realise that you would want that for them as well. Now, here's the thing. It might sound like I'm saying to her, it's okay what you did, but actually, no way. No way was that strategy okay with me. And I absolutely won't tolerate it in the future.
James [00:49:45]:
So then I came to her with my pain in one hand and her deeper yearning in the other, and I spoke it to her. So I said something like, I've just found out that some things have been said about me into my community. It's left me feeling kind of ambushed, hurt, unfairly accused and set up and fearful also for my professional reputation. And I can understand that your wonderful intention behind doing and saying what you did is that I imagine that the pain of our separation, that might still be alive in you. I imagine that you just want to be surrounded by people who you feel get your pain. And so you do that by telling some very personal things. And it really makes sense that you might have been really longing for an alliance to have people around you who could support you by knowing what you've been through. And we had this conversation over a beer and she just opened and she said, thank you for being able to see that.
James [00:51:01]:
Of course. That's what I was hoping for, of course. And she had a bit of a cry. And then she spontaneously said, I didn't go about it very skillfully. And I said, absolutely not. I won't tolerate the telling of stories in my community. And I really understand that you're yearning to feel supported in your pain. So I said to her, how might we in the future, have you express your pain? So it's really understood by me in a way that doesn't involve telling stories to people I don't know.
James [00:51:36]:
And she said, maybe I could just come direct to you and express the pain that's still here for me. And I was like, that would be wonderful, let's do that. So there's nothing in this work that says feeling into another's deeper yearning is to condone their behaviour. In fact, only by feeling into their deeper yearning can we ever address the behaviour. Because in that moment, can you feel how I evoked her openness to seeing that, how she went about it and what she tried to do were kind of a bit of a mismatch. She didn't want my pain. She wanted me to taste her pain. She didn't ultimately want my suffering.
James [00:52:24]:
She wanted her suffering. See, now let's consider what I normally would have done, unconsciously would have done if I hadn't had this notion of holding my pain and her yearning in equal measure. I would have just gone in there with what my pain and it would have sounded like, how dare you? It's not okay for you, too. I won't tolerate it. This is bad and wrong about you. It's not okay. I know that your pain is your shit. Don't spell it into my world.
James [00:52:54]:
That's how 99.9% of us will naturally communicate. Because the only data that we've got is our pain and we haven't yet felt into the rest of the data, which is that they were wanting something distinct from our pain. The greater the upset, the more difficult it is to feel into some deeper yearning.
Stephanie [00:53:17]:
Yeah, I wonder if fish, before we wrap up. I'm mindful of the time and I think we could talk about this forever, but something that I think a lot of people listening will relate to and question and struggle with is when you're faced with someone's resistance to this work, or just to. If you're doing your part right. You think you're being a very good student conscious communicator and it doesn't work, quote unquote, they don't spontaneously open and it doesn't all dissolve into. Because I think the examples that you've given for a lot of people, they'd go like, wow, that feels like a level of mastery that I don't know that that would happen in my relationship. I don't think we're there. I think that's probably true. Right? It takes a level of trust and deeper safety to be able to have those conversations heartfully.
Stephanie [00:54:17]:
And the reality is that oftentimes we will still be met with resistance or closure in someone. They might not immediately come to the table in the way that we would have hoped. And when you've been courageous in trying to lead the repair and you kind of get the door slammed in your face, then it's really easy to go back to, well, they're just the problem, right? I'm doing my part. You're still being defensive. This is bullshit. Why do I even bother? And then we're right back where we started. And I know that you speak really beautifully about validating that, like just continuing to validate. Validate the defensiveness.
Stephanie [00:55:01]:
Can I get really curious about what they're experiencing, the conditions behind that, and just keep going a level deeper rather than extending the olive branch once, then going, well, fuck this, you're not playing along.
James [00:55:13]:
So I give up. Beautiful. And that tendency is for us to go, okay, I'm going to try this out. I mean, I get to witness this all day, every day, because I'm working with people who are new to this work and asking them to practise it. And without fail, people will start and go, I tried it and it didn't open them. And so it proves that they're the villain, right? And I'm like, wow, look how quickly. Look how quickly we go from expansion back into contraction. We're certain that the problem is them.
James [00:55:43]:
And how's that's going for you? We're back in just escalating the conflict. Right? So it's very natural. It's very natural. And so, yeah, if we specifically look at how to respond to someone not responding. You've heard me talk about this, but the notion that all behaviour is an expression of an experience, everything that everyone is doing all over the planet right now, without fail, without exception, is a natural expression of the experience they're having. So when we use this idea that behaviour is an expression of experience, then rather than getting oppositional towards their behaviour. That might sound like my partner is so withdrawn, why aren't they willing to have a conversation with me? Why are they so avoidant? Why are they so this and that? Why are they so judgmental? Why are they so defensive? We can get curious about what's the experience they're having underneath their defensiveness or avoidance or withdrawal. And we're not saying I'm okay with your behaviour, we're saying, I see where it's coming from and that becomes a very, very powerful way to meet others where they're at.
James [00:57:06]:
So, for example, there's a relationship in my life that's been difficult and disconnected for twelve years. And I have approached this person numerous times indicating my care for them and my love for them and my willingness to have a better relationship with them. And for most of twelve years they've said, screw you, no thanks, not interested. The problems over there with you, I don't need anything from you. Happy with how things are all the way to, yeah, that might be nice at some point. Maybe so. For a lot of that twelve years, I kind of have encountered my own resistance to their behaviour. Thinking, look at all the love I'm pouring into this.
James [00:57:53]:
And the problem is clearly there with them because if they were really a good person, they would recognise my care for them and they would open to me. That didn't go very well because I was actually just making them wrong. Can you feel that? I'm just making them wrong for how they're being. So it wasn't until I started to think, oh, their unwillingness to have conversations with me, to take this relationship deeper is actually an expression of them not feeling ready or not feeling safe or not feeling recognised. And I myself and your listeners could maybe think right now, just like think about the last time you were unwilling. It was valid. Your unwillingness was actually an expression of where you were at, of exactly what you were feeling. You might not have felt trusting to open to someone.
James [00:58:45]:
You might not have felt ready because you hadn't had time to kind of sit with what you were feeling. And you might have been worried that you were going to make it worse. You might have just felt unrecognised and felt like it's not even worth me going there because my experience won't get seen. And so once we start to realise that people's unwillingness to be in communication with us is a communication, it is a communication of exactly what they're experiencing. Like this person who's cut contact with me recently, it leads me into a deeper understanding of what must be present for them in their experience in order to have to do so. And if I can take the time, and it's been difficult for me because I've been so hurt by it and so misrepresented for what my beautiful heart was actually intending. But also once I can start to feel into that person's heart, I'm like, wow. How much they must have been longing for the protection of an open communication and how much upset there must have been in the communication in order for them to need to close the door.
James [00:59:57]:
Because we close doors in order to create a container around us. You don't go to sleep with the front door open because you're worried about what might come in and also go out. So we close doors for containment. And that when we really feel into the essence of someone needing to withdraw in order to feel safer, to withdraw in order to not feel overwhelmed, to withdraw in order that they transmit how much pain that they're in to us so that we can understand them, like their longing to have their pain recognised, you can really start to feel into the humanness now. I still feel very hurt by that recently. And at the very same time I have the deepest. I'm starting to generate this very deep compassion that this person I care so much about. Felt like closing the door was their desperate need to have their pain recognised and to have their safety enhanced so that they could continue be in their life and do what they really want to do.
James [01:01:08]:
And I honour the fuck out of that. I honour that so deeply while also suffering the consequences of it.
Stephanie [01:01:15]:
Yeah. And yet social media snippets would say, like, well, that's just immature and those people shouldn't be in relationships. That's the one I hear all the time. If you can't have a conversation, you shouldn't be in relationships. That might sound nice and it might make you feel good, but can we feel into what sits beneath that resistance or that defensiveness or that pulling away that isn't just I can't be bothered or I don't care which I guess that's a really easy read on something, but it almost invariably is inaccurate and there's something much more human underneath it that if we took the time to try and feel into, we could actually go, oh, okay, yeah, that makes sense.
James [01:02:02]:
Yes, that's right. Feeling into the deeper. Like when we really stop, when we really stop and slow down and ask ourselves the question, I wonder what they were longing to feel by doing what they did. And we really give that some time. Like we really look for the validity in what they were longing for. I promise what you find is so beautiful and tender and human. And if we go back to the part one, the first half, where my intention is wonderful and they shouldn't have pain, we start to realise that no matter how wonderful our intentions were like for me in this scenario, I had such tender, loving intentions behind something that I did, and what I have to start to realise, if I want to be grounded in reality, that cutting contact is a very clear expression of very real, very real upset. And it's not an upset that I ever wanted for them.
James [01:03:05]:
And I feel so deeply remorseful and regretful that the way I went about my yearning created upset for them. But it's like my responsibility from an expanded, conscious place. My responsibility is just to recognise and validate the reality of their pain. Yes, it's not what I wanted, and yes, it is true for them. And once I can start to feel into their pain and their yearning, then the cutting of contact starts to just be like a natural. It was a natural action that they took that caused pain for me that they never wanted. They don't want pain for me. They want safety for them and their pain to be recognised.
James [01:03:52]:
And so that's the deeper invitation that conscious communication invites us into. It's like, can we feel into the me and unice of this, which is so different to just the meanness that we normally have access to? What's the me and you in this? What's the tenderness in my heart, yearning and pain, and the tenderness in their heart, yearning and pain. And, you know, how difficult this is. So I speak about it as if it's kind of simple. But for me it is a spiritual path. It's my devotion, it's the thing that matters most to me on the planet, to stand in compassion towards me and all other beings in as many moments as they can. And I fall out of that all the time. I fall back into just like, what an asshole.
James [01:04:49]:
All the time.
Stephanie [01:04:52]:
Yeah. And I think that as we've touched on, there is such liberation in irrespective of what you get back, like actually just deciding to live from that place and frees up so much energy. And I find that I see the world so differently. There's just so much more ease and space and peace in deciding, really consciously deciding to live from that place as much as possible.
James [01:05:20]:
Yeah, it's a beautiful worldview, isn't it? It's as simple as realising that the planet is densely populated with billions of humans, all with tender longings in their heart and pain from the past, and either skillfully or much more likely, unskillfully, going about expressing that yearning and pain. And the more unskillfully we express our yearning and pain, the more we create pain for others that we never wanted to be creating for others. And when we just see ourselves as unskillful beings, longing and suffering, then the whole kind of hue of humanity changes. It's like things take on a different colour. Now, once again, it's important to discern how close or how distant I need to be from certain behaviours. But the behaviours that we might like to label and the people that we might like to pathologize and villainize, they're just like us. They're yearning and suffering and usually unskillfully trying to express it.
Stephanie [01:06:31]:
So beautiful. Thank you. As I said, I'm sure we could speak for many, many hours on this, but, alas, I don't know. I hope that everyone who's listening has gotten as much out of this and loves this work as much as we do. Where can people find you, fish? If they want to dive deeper into your world, which I wholeheartedly recommend that.
James [01:06:55]:
They do, they can find my little junk food nuggets, reels and posts on Instagram. James Gill that's a good place to get a taste of the work that I do, bearing in mind that it's little snippets of. It's like junk food nuggets instead of the whole nine course meal, you're selling.
Stephanie [01:07:21]:
Yourself short by saying it's junk food.
James [01:07:24]:
I post something on Instagram and a million people on the other side of the world go, yeah, but what about.
Stephanie [01:07:30]:
This extremely niche exception to that?
James [01:07:34]:
Yeah, exactly. You get it. And then on the web, I'm leadbyheart.com. And the way that I work with people now is welcome people into a nine week group coaching programme. That's where we form our foundational understanding of these tools and get some practise in the kind of warmth and security of doing it in the community of people practising. Then following a group coaching programme, you can access one to one support with me. Otherwise I'll be down at Layton beach in north Fremantle. You can also find me there.
Stephanie [01:08:21]:
Look, I have to say to anyone listening, as I said at the start, I connected with fish a couple of years ago, sort of as colleagues, but given the opportunity to jump into being a student of his through his facilitator training, and I've shared his work with so many people, including my mum, my mum did your group coaching nine week course recently. So I really stand behind this with every fibre of my being and it continues to be a really profound influence on my own work and my own lens. So immensely grateful for you, fish, and all of the work that you do and for coming on and chatting to me.
James [01:08:59]:
Well, Steph, I know firsthand the courage that it takes to consider the conscious communication pathway instead of just believe our analyses and pathologies of others in the face of our very real hurt. So I honour you for that. And I love the work that you do. I love the compassion that you bring to the conversation around attachment and relationship. And it's so what the world needs is that compassionate approach to the humanness behind our dynamics instead of the vitriol and the blame that is generated in so many corners of this world, this relationship world. So I honour you for that. It's beautiful.
Stephanie [01:09:41]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of on Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
unconscious communication, conflict transformation, good intentions, toxic behavior, personal betrayal, understanding pain, compassionate communication, relationship resistance, validating emotions, cultural misunderstandings, conflict escalation, intention versus impact, conscious communication, spiritual approach, compassionate living, attachment dynamics, Instagram engagement, group coaching, open-heartedness, relationship repair, hurtful behaviour, yearning behind actions, addressing behavior, unconscious responses, defence of intentions, love recognition, open communication, emotional safety, court case communication, yoga teacher.
4 Common Misconceptions About Avoidant Attachment
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
In this week's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're exploring some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment is frequently misunderstood and misrepresented in a lot of online content, and it's so important to me to dispel some of those portrayals and offer something more humanising and more honest about what's going on for avoidant folks.
We cover misconceptions around:
Avoidant people not wanting to be in relationships
Avoidant people only caring about themselves
Avoidant people never experiencing anxiety in their relationships
Avoidant people being unable to change
Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Compassion for the Misunderstood
Attachment styles profoundly influence our interpersonal relationships, acting as blueprints for how we relate to others, particularly in times of stress or emotional need. Of these, avoidant attachment often faces widespread misconceptions that can lead to misunderstandings in personal relationships and the advice offered to those who identify with this attachment style. This discussion seeks to unravel these misconceptions, fostering a better understanding of avoidant attachment and promoting supportive relationships.
Debunking Misconceptions About Avoidance in Relationships
The belief that individuals with an avoidant attachment style have an across-the-board aversion to relationships is a common misconception. Far from being universally true, many people with this style do engage in relationships. However, they may struggle with achieving the right balance between intimacy and their inherent need for independence. It isn't a matter of not wanting a relationship; it's about navigating the complexities of intimacy and maintaining a comfortable level of emotional space.
The myth that avoidant partners never change is another unfounded trope that can hinder relationship growth. People are not static; they evolve and adapt through experiences and personal reflection. Resisting the impulse to impose change on a partner and instead fostering an atmosphere of support and understanding can facilitate organic growth and relationship satisfaction for both parties.
Navigating Personal Space and Emotional Regulation
A pressing challenge for individuals with avoidant tendencies is managing their emotional landscape within the precincts of a close relationship. They are often adept at self-regulation when on their own but may struggle to process and communicate their emotions in tandem with a partner. Establishing personal space that respects both partners' boundaries is key to creating a sustainable, fulfilling relationship dynamic.
Mislabeling as 'Selfish' or 'Uncaring'
Labels such as 'selfish' or 'uncaring' are frequently, and often unfairly, attributed to those with an avoidant attachment style. The truth behind the façade of indifference is usually more complex – assuredly not a lack of care, but perhaps a struggle in expressing it. Patience and empathy from a partner can help bridge the gap between misunderstood actions and the true intentions behind them.
The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic
Heightened sensitivities arise in relationships that mix anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Here, the anxious partner's need for validation and approval can clash with the avoidant person's instinct to withdraw for self-preservation, feeling underappreciated. Recognising and addressing these differing needs and reactions can lead to more harmonious and supportive partnerships.
Internal Anxiety and Overthinking
Although not always outwardly apparent, individuals with avoidant attachment can experience significant internal anxiety. This can manifest in overthinking and anticipating the worst-case scenarios. Identifying and soothing these internal dialogues is crucial for avoidant individuals to feel secure in a relationship.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Patterns
Even within the spectrum of avoidant attachment, there are variances such as the fearful avoidant type. Here, a fear of becoming too dependent can often lead to an individual exhibiting anxious attachment patterns, especially during periods of relationship upheaval like breakups. Learning to navigate these intense emotions is vital for maintaining inner peace and relationship stability.
Encouraging Self-awareness and Trust
Developing self-awareness and trust is an imperative step for those grappling with avoidant attachment. Understanding one's own attachment style, triggers, and responses can significantly improve relational dynamics and lead to more secure attachments.
Balancing Vulnerability and Control
For an avoidant individual, the need to balance vulnerability with a sense of control is paramount. Engaging in open and honest communication about fundamental attachment needs can help avoidant partners feel more at ease with vulnerability, ultimately contributing to a deeper and more secure connection.
Fostering a Supportive and Loving Environment
The foundation of any meaningful relationship change lies in fostering a loving and supportive environment. For those with avoidant attachment, such an environment can encourage self-disclosure and connectivity without the fear of judgement or loss of autonomy.
Finding the Path to Growth
Underlining the discussion is the philosophy that a one-size-fits-all approach to attachment and personal change is unrealistic. Acknowledging that each person's journey towards growth is unique allows for a more nuanced and compassionate perspective on relationships. Partners of those with avoidant attachment styles can empower change by nurturing an empathetic space that respects each person's pacing and process of transformation.
In conclusion, while avoidant attachment is often veiled in misconceptions, taking the time to dissect and dispel these myths can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships. Through understanding, patience, and mutual support, it is possible to navigate these waters together, allowing both partners to thrive within their attachment paradigms.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your understanding of avoidant attachment - prior to this episode, did you hold any of the common misconceptions about avoidant individuals, such as the belief that they cannot change or do not desire relationships? How has your perspective shifted after listening to Stephanie and Joel's discussion?
Consider the idea of needing personal space within a relationship. Have you ever felt conflicted between wanting intimacy and needing your own space? How do you navigate these feelings without sending mixed signals to your partner?
In the context of your own relationships, how do you balance vulnerability with maintaining a sense of control? Can you think of instances where you have successfully managed this balance, and what did that look like for you and your partner?
Joel talked about his personal struggle with expressing care. Can you relate to the challenge of showing affection or care in a way that feels authentic to you? How might this tie in with your attachment style?
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can often lead to a cycle of withdrawal and pursuit in relationships. Have you experienced this pattern before, and how did it affect your relationship? What steps did you take, or could you take in the future, to break the cycle?
Stephanie and Joel emphasise the importance of a supportive and loving environment for organic change within a relationship. Reflect on your past or current relationships – what does a supportive environment look like for you, and how does it contribute to personal and mutual growth?
Avoidant attachment can involve an internal sense of anxiety that isn't always expressed openly. Think about a time you might have overthought a situation or scenario with a partner to the point of worst-case thinking. How did you handle this internal turmoil, and what did it reveal about your attachment needs?
The episode discusses the misconception that avoidant people are selfish or uncaring. Have you ever been quick to judge a partner's behaviour as selfish without considering their attachment style? How can you approach such situations with more empathy in the future?
Joel shares that being labelled as never able to change can lead to resistance. Reflect on how labels and expectations have influenced your own behaviour or personal growth. What might be the impact of releasing these expectations, both for yourself and your relationships?
Stephanie has mentioned the upcoming changes with her maternity leave and program offerings. Reflecting on transitions and periods of change in your own life, how do you prepare for such times? What changes have you observed in your attachment patterns during significant life transitions?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my new course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie [00:00:27]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. Now today's episode is a little bit special because I'm recording live from Bangkok of all places, and I'm joined by my partner, Joel. Hi, Joel.
Joel [00:00:49]:
Hi, guys.
Stephanie [00:00:51]:
So it's a bit of a funny story. I'm gonna expose how disorganised I am in telling the truth here, but we are on a holiday, and I didn't get around to recording a podcast episode before I left. So packed my podcast mic along with my laptop with a view to recording an episode for you from our hotel in Bangkok. And lo and behold, unbeknownst to us, our hotel in Bangkok has a podcast recording studio, which is just extremely unlikely, but, very opportune. So we are sitting here in a fully fledged podcast recording studio in our hotel in Bangkok, and we're gonna be talking all about some misconceptions about avoided attachment. So as you would know, if you've been listening to the podcast for a while, it's really important to me to rebalance the scales, I suppose, insofar as, you know, understanding avoidant attachment and extending a level of curiosity and compassion to that experience. Obviously, most of my work is around anxious attachment, but I think that it would be fair to say so much of the content all over the Internet and everywhere else is often centered on the anxious attachment experience. And to the extent that it talks about avoidant attachment, it's usually with a view to either demonising or trying to change your avoidant partner so that you feel better about the relationship.
Stephanie [00:02:16]:
And if you're familiar with my philosophy, notwithstanding the fact that I'm definitely, you know, have learned more anxious and have struggled with anxious avoidant dynamics in my relationship. I don't think that that approach in fact, I know that that approach of just looking for someone to blame and looking to explain away all of the problems of your relationship via, you know, what's wrong with your partner and what you can do about that tends not to be very fruitful, and it tends to actually keep you really stuck in places that are very disempowering. So it's always important to me to give a little more context to avoid detachment, to invite people to pause and to get curious and to step outside the self centeredness. And I say that, you know, descriptively rather than critically. But I think when we're in fear or we're in stress, we are naturally self centered. All of us, we are going to be focused on our experiences. That's what we know so deeply. But to step outside that self centeredness and really get to know what's going on for our partners, for the people we're in relationship with rather than designating that as wrong and trying to change it as our way of creating safety for ourselves.
Stephanie [00:03:34]:
So so what we're gonna be talking about today, some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment, so that you can maybe have a little more understanding, and just more depth of awareness, which I think is always a beautiful thing to be cultivating in your relationship. Now before we dive into that, a quick announcement that healing anxious attachment, which many of you will know is my signature program, is coming back soon. So in a few weeks' time, we're gonna be relaunching what will be the 7th cohort of the course, which is pretty cool. There are already a few hundred people on the wait list, which is amazing to see. I'm always so honored and humbled by the interest in this program. And this next round will be a particularly special one because it'll be the last one that I'll be running before I, check out for maternity leave for a good few months at least. So I don't know when the next round of the program will be, likely sometime later in the year. But no current plans for that as I will be playing it by ear a little with a new baby.
Stephanie [00:04:36]:
So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're interested in a program that's very comprehensive, that's been tried and tested by over 1500 people over the past 2 years, I would love for you to jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes or directly on my website, and doing so will guarantee you a spot in the program and also exclusive early bird discounts. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around common misconceptions about avoiding And I should have said in the introduction, Joel is not just sitting here next to me for the fun of it. He's here to weigh in and offer the perspective of someone who has more avoidant patterns. And, you know, while I've said many times before, and I'll say again here, that it's not like every avoidant person is the same. So it's not like Joel Joel can speak to, you know, the inner workings of the avoidant mind in a very generic and universal sense. But I think it is helpful, and I know from feedback from previous episodes where Joel's been involved, that it is really helpful to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than just hearing it coming from me who is more an observer of that experience rather than in the driver's seat of it. So with that being said, the first misconception that we wanna talk about is that avoiding people have an aversion to relationships generally or don't want to be in relationships, that they are, you know, that they avoid relationships altogether.
Stephanie [00:06:12]:
I think that's a common one, I think, just because of the name avoidant. There's this sense of, like, avoidant people don't want to be in relationships, and I see that so much on, like, in comment sections, on Instagram, on YouTube. People say really blunt things like, well, well, if they don't wanna be in relationships, they should just go and live alone and die or something, you know, very kind of petulant and and ill thought through. But I think there is that sense of, like, well, if you don't wanna be in relationship, then why do you go around being in relationship? And I think that that just really misses what's happening when it comes to avoidant attachment. It's not so much an aversion to relationships. Right? And and many, I would say most people with avoidant patterns, remember we're talking about, like, up to 25% of the population here, maybe even more. Of course, most of those people seek out and are in relationships.
Stephanie[00:07:13]:
So it's really much more nuanced than just, oh, you don't like relationships. You don't like intimacy. You don't want that for yourself. It it's more that being in those situations can bring up a lot of stuff. And as it can for anxious people, it just tends to be different stuff and provoke different protective responses. But just because of the the life experience that people with avoidant attachment have had. It can mean that certain things about being in relationship can activate stress for them and can cause stress, and that stress is dealt within a variety of ways that kind of fall under this banner of what we call avoidant attachment.
Joel [00:08:00]:
Yeah. I think I'll input here for the avoidance. Yeah. It is a a misconception to say that avoidants don't wanna be in relationships. People who don't wanna be in relationships, by choice, aren't in relationships, but you find many avoidants in relationships. The difficulty there is generally around intimacy and getting close because the way that there's you know, I have seek security in this world is to spend time with myself, spend time to gather my thoughts, to regulate my emotions, and I find it really challenging doing that with someone else. And it's something that I've really had to work on. It doesn't mean I didn't wanna be in a relationship. It's just that I was having a very hard time being in a relationship
Joel [00:08:51]:
Because I was yet to develop that self awareness and develop the tools and and it really came down to the trust and having a loving partner, that wasn't just going to judge me from the surface judge me on the surface level. I think it's a really easy thing, and I can completely understand if, those who have been in relationships where it hasn't ended well and it you can you may come across some literature on attachment and just gonna make sweeping generalizations to a large part of the population, but it's it's not as simple as that. And on the other side, it's it's really the same with anxious attachment. You know, we don't wanna make sweeping generalizations for every individual. But I can say for sure that most people wanna be supported by other people, whether in a relationship, whether with family or friends. Some just find it more difficult.
Stephanie [00:09:57]:
Yeah. I think that, you know, ultimately and and the whole body of work around attachment is predicated on the notion that, like, we all have these fundamental attachment needs to be to love and be loved, to be cared for, you you know, to be seen, to be understood, to be validated, to feel like we belong. It's just that depending on the experiences that we've had and the patterns that we've developed, certain aspects of that can be harder to trust. And, you know, I think that it it is for avoidant folks. It's just like, I don't know how to simultaneously feel, and I know this is true for you, Joel. I don't know how to be that vulnerable with someone and and be that seen by them and still feel in control.
Joel [00:10:43]:
Yep.
Stephanie [00:10:44]:
And so I think that when those two things feel like they're competing, like, my sense of being in control of my own safety and, like, knowing how to take care of myself the way I always have, and also being connected to you. If I don't know how to hold those things together, often, safety will trump connection. Mhmm. And, you know, that is, again, true for all of us. So all of that to say, it's not an aversion to the idea of relationships. And and, of course, avoidant folks want all of that as much as anyone else does in most cases, it's just that it can bring up challenges for them as it can for the rest of us, but it just looks a little different. Okay. The next misconception about avoidant attachment is avoiding people only care about themselves. So this one could have sub bullets under it, which is, you know, avoiding people are selfish, avoiding people are narcissists, avoiding people are know, cold, callous, all of those labels that we often see being.
Joel [00:11:45]:
I read all the comments.
Stephanie [00:11:47]:
Yeah. We read the comments.
Joel [00:11:48]:
It hurts.
Stephanie [00:11:49]:
Yeah. It it is. It's not that's not really nice. Right? And, again, we can understand that if you've formed those views that you've probably been hurt, and that's real. But to then take that and extrapolate and, you know, make it mean something about people at a really fundamental essential level, I think, again, misses misses the truth and misses the nuance of, you know, people are in pain and people are, you know if if we wanna use the word selfish, again, I mentioned this in the last point, I think if we're gonna call someone selfish for the ways in which they protect themselves, we have to acknowledge that we too are selfish in the way that we protect ourselves. It's just if you happen to be more anxious in your attachment patterns, your agenda looks different, and it looks relationally focused.
Joel [00:12:45]:
More empathetic.
Stephanie [00:12:46]:
Yes. But it's we can be honest, and I, you know, put my hand up and can see this within myself that it's, you know, sometimes that doting self sacrifice, you know, overgiving, self abandoning thing is just coming from a place of, again, trying to create some semblance of safety or control for yourself. And, you know, that is with the strings attached of of, you know, what you need rather than, you know, giving without an agenda. So I think that, you know, we need to acknowledge that stress makes us all selfish. And when we are in relationship and we have insecure attachment patterns, there's generally a lot of stress in the system of that relationship. And so looking at someone who's more avoidant and labeling them selfish or uncaring because their mode of self protection is to pull back or, you know, pull away, you know, kind of go to their island. Again, I think it's just not capturing the full picture. And, you know, Joel, again, I can throw to you here. I know that you care very much.
Joel [00:14:01]:
Very deeply.
Stephanie [00:14:03]:
Yeah. And and that as with anyone, again, to be told that you don't care or that you're uncaring can feel like a deep injustice. There's such an incongruence between your internal experience and how it's being received, and that can lead you to shut down further. Right? Yeah. Because it's like, why why bother trying when I'm just like my efforts aren't landing here. I care so much, and yet I'm being told I'm uncaring.
Joel [00:14:27]:
Yeah. What it feels like is when I there's 2 ways I can take, if someone says, like, I don't care. It's like my knee jerk reaction is like, you have no no idea how much I care. Yeah. But you're not understanding how I express it or you just wanna see it in the way that you care for the world. And I think that's the trap that a lot of us get into. We have these unfair expectations of the world to mimic the way that we want to operate.
Stephanie [00:15:02]:
Yeah. If it were me, I would do this thing. So the fact that you're not doing that thing means you must feel differently to me.
Joel [00:15:08]:
Yeah. We have these unspoken contracts with the world. I care so deeply, to the point where I, and I'm working on it, is I foster a lot of guilt that I am not empathetic, I'm selfish, and this was probably the hardest thing about the decision to have kids is I fundamentally thought that I would be too selfish, and I would have these conversations over and over again with mates who happen to be fathers and, you know, fathers that are are much older than me. And a lot of the feedback I got was, if you think this much about it, you're gonna be okay. You care. And it it's just the expression, which might seem unfavorable to a lot of people, the way that avoidance show their care or or lack to be able to express their care and communicate it. But I'm not gonna talk for everyone here, but I think the majority of people care. The majority of people really wanna be cared for, I think we just have a really hard time communicating it and communicating intimacy, communicating our needs.
Stephanie [00:16:35]:
Yeah. And I think that, you know, with that anxious avoidant dynamic, we can acknowledge that oftentimes, I've spoken about this in different contexts, anxious folks all kind of ask for something, and then they might get it, but it's not enough because they're wanting their partner to fill a void inside of, like, I just need more reassurance, and I need to test, and I need to probe, kind of moving the goalposts a little because there is this really deep insecurity there that they're hoping their partner can somehow make go away. And so I think if we can step outside of that and go on to the other side and recognize that when you are putting in effort, but those efforts aren't being seen and all you're getting in response or, you know, the bulk of what you're getting in response is feedback saying still not enough, still not enough. I think that can be pretty disheartening. Yep. And
Joel [00:17:34]:
Will have the opposite effect.
Stephanie [00:17:38]:
Yeah. Why bother? Yeah. And so I think that that can really lead to disengagement and withdrawal in someone who's more avoidant. Whereas, again, it's a point of divergence between anxious and avoidant people. I think anxious people, it's like challenge accepted. I'll just try harder and harder and harder and harder and harder to get your validation, to get your approval. It's almost like there's no ceiling to that. Whereas avoidant people are, I think, more likely to sort of throw in the towel and say, why should I bother doing this? I'm not being appreciated for it. I'm not being seen for it. You're always upset with me. This isn't kind of this isn't worth it almost, because it seems to just completely lack any kind of efficacy. It's it's just, like, not effective. Okay. So the next one is of when people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. I think this is a really kind of funny one. Right? We think anxious attachment, they kind of have a monopoly on anxiety as an emotion, as an experience.
Stephanie [00:18:44]:
But the reality is avoidant attachment involves a lot of anxiety. Yeah. It just tends to be anxiety that swells around internally rather than anxiety that is acted out. And it kind of, you know, flows on nicely from the previous point around what you were saying, Joel, of, like, how much you can just, like, ruminate over things and and worry and think about things almost, I would say, more than I do, probably a lot more than I do. You know, the tendency to focus on potential worst case scenarios and all of the things that could go wrong, a lot of those hallmarks of anxiety are very much alive in in you. And, you know, to be fair, you are more in the the fearful avoidant or disorganized camp, which we know is high on both anxiety and avoidance. So that makes sense.
Joel [00:19:37]:
Yes. Good fun.
Stephanie [00:19:39]:
Keeps it interesting. But, yeah, I think to suggest that, like, avoidant attachment is somehow, like, devoid of anxiety as an emotion is, really, very much a misconception. And there is a lot of that, you know, worry and overthinking and, you know, worst case scenario kind of mentality. And that can be again, it's sort of like the same seed, but it sends you in different directions because I think for avoidant folks, it's like, oh, all of this paralyzing anxiety, I should just leave the relationship or, like, this must be a problem with the relationship, so I'll distance myself from that because then I'll get to distance myself from those feelings.
Stephanie [00:20:23]:
Whereas for more anxious people, it's like, I feel all this anxiety about my relationship. I have to change it or solve it so that I can get away from these feelings. If I can change you, then I won't feel anxious anymore. Yeah. Whereas for avoidant folks, it's like if I leave the relationship, I won't be anxious anymore. If I can
Joel [00:20:40]:
If I'm just by myself.
Stephanie [00:20:41]:
Yeah. Then I get to be away from these feelings.
Joel [00:20:44]:
Yeah. I think, yeah, I think it's a really it comes down to I feel like we really need to change the branding of attachment styles. I I prefer the original, you know, disorganized. It's a little bit more flattering than avoidant because avoidant has pretty pretty bad rap of a it's a it's a negative word. You know, we avoid things because we're in fear of them or scared of them, and I don't think that's necessarily the case all the time, with both dismissive and fearful avoidance. But, yes, we experience anxiety just like everyone else everyone else except for our secure friends.
Stephanie [00:21:30]:
I think probably they even still experience anxiety. It's just not quite to the same degree.
Joel [00:21:34]:
But, yeah, as Steph said, I'm more likely to I say, I'm more likely 100% of the time. I'm going to internalize it first. And it's just the way that I've been able to, I guess, operate during my life in this world is to try and to understand my place in it and and what is safe and what is not. And I've always been a a deep thinker and overthinking and and and rumination, something that I'm still working through. At the moment, I'm working through this, more of the anxiety stuff, with a a therapist at the moment. But, yeah, I definitely experience all the anxiety, and it particularly comes up, and for a lot of fearful avoidants, when our relationship is is at its hardest times and especially through separation, you'll notice there is actually a lot of, like, anxious attachment patterns in fearful avoidance during breakups. Like, we can both completely be in denial, and maybe that will last for a few weeks, and then we have, like, a strong emotional pull and and morning, that is really, really deep, and we really go through this fear of, you know, I'm never gonna meet someone like that again. And it took so much effort for me to open up to someone else. Like, I don't know if I can do that again. It is. We have we have deep anxieties, but it may not be expressed in the way that is either optimal or favorable to other people.
Stephanie [00:23:34]:
Yeah. I think that, my observation of that through being in relationship with you is like that when you are feeling threatened in some way, it tends to be a more avoidant response. But if there's any, like, insecurity or fear about the future of the relationship or anything like that, that tends to bring out more of the the anxiety that is more typical of anxious attachment patterns. So, there's definitely a full spectrum of experience there. I think it's just really a reminder that even though it can look different, and and will tend to be internalized rather than acted out in more typical anxious attachment fashion. That doesn't mean that the underlying anxieties aren't there. And, you know, I would say, as I would say to anxious people, that, like, yeah, anxiety happens when we care a lot about something. And so it kinda goes back to the the previous point, but like, yeah, when when we're invested in something, when something's important to us, then it can bring up a lot of fear and worry and, you know, wanting to derisk and worrying about the worst case scenario. All of those things, I think, go hand in hand. Okay. The last one that we wanna share, misconception about avoidant attachment, is avoidant people never change.
Joel [00:24:57]:
We don't.
Stephanie [00:24:59]:
That's it. No. That one's actually true. No. Just kidding. Yeah. I think, again, like, sweeping generalization, right, avoiding people never change. I think there is some truth in the fact that for some avoidant people, particularly those with more dismissive patterns, there can be a pretty strong resistance to doing the work, so to speak, particularly in the manner that people with more anxious patterns might like to do it.
Stephanie [00:25:26]:
For example, listening to podcasts like this or doing a course or reading a book. You know, I, I had someone ask me on Instagram the other day about, you know, I'm doing all of this reading and that, and my partner's not doing any, and it's so unfair, and why should I be the one doing it all? And I I think it's a very common sentiment, and it's a common frustration. But at the same time, I think we have to recognize, as I've spoken about before, that, the work, so to speak, looks different for everyone. We can't reasonably impose our own, expectations of what that has to look like in someone else's process, and that will very reliably elicit more resistance and defensiveness in them. But in any event, to suggest that someone will never change, I kind of have a problem with that more broadly when people say, like, oh, people never change. You know? Like, I just that's so fundamentally at odds with my personal experience of myself and so many other people, I think we are all changing all the time.
Joel [00:26:38]:
Yeah.
Stephanie [00:26:39]:
But I think when you're saying like, oh, well, these people are never gonna change or is my partner gonna change? I think we have to get a little bit more curious about, like, is my partner like, can I accept my partner as they are while also wanting to be in a relational environment of growth and, you know, continued investment in ourselves and each other? Mhmm. But I think that's a very different proposition to, like, requiring someone to change as some sort of condition of being in the relationship, which, you know,tends not to work terribly well.
Joel [00:27:17]:
It's you have to hold you must have to hold 2 opposing ideas. Something's gotta change here, but also this person who's in front of me, I love. And those two things can coexist. Yeah. I find it also a little bit irritating, when I do hear this because it makes me assume that someone isn't changing at your pace, at your rate. And I can guarantee most people all the time are changing and they're learning, and it's we can't force feed people audiobooks or books. We can't force people to sit down and, quote, unquote, do the work. But if you're having honest conversations, if you really care for this person and you care about the relationship, I think it will change over time.
Stephanie [00:28:25]:
Yeah. I think it's it's all about and, you know, I talk about this so much. It's like change the environment of your relationship rather than trying to change your partner. And if you are doing your part to contribute to an overall relational environment that is characterized by love and care and support and acceptance, appreciation, generosity, all of the things that you want your relationship to be about. Just tend to the environment and trust it. Like things will grow better in a healthier environment rather than staying, swirling around in a really dysfunctional environment and wondering why nothing's growing there. It's like, really ask yourself, are the conditions that I am maybe not single handedly creating, but contributing to or perpetuating. Are those like conducive to growth? Do they inspire growth? Or is it like a high stress, high blame, you know, dysfunctional, disconnected relational landscape? And you know, can I really be surprised that growth isn't happening here? So I, I think it is really just about like, you know, people do change and grow Yeah and will continue.
Joel [00:29:45]:
Yeah. You've you've absolutely should have changed quite a bit. I I reflect on this a lot because, you know, as we're coming up to having a child, it's made me reflect really on how fast life comes at you and, you know, sudden sudden news or or life changes can really propel you into a different direction so quickly. And over reflecting in the last 3 to 4 years, I'm like, oh, I don't even if I was being honest with myself and I I look back on little entries or journal entries, and they might just be a few words or or a couple of lines, I'm like, oh, okay. I'm I'm I'm changing. And I like to look back, and I wanna my goal is to just laugh at myself and just or what like we were talking about today, just look back and just realize, like, how young you were. Like, how young was I a year ago? Like, how silly was I?
Stephanie [00:30:38]:
Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's true. I think, you know, in the course of our relationship past couple of years, we've both changed and grown.
Joel [00:30:48]:
And we've had to work on it.
Stephanie [00:30:49]:
Yeah. We've had to work on it a lot. So all of that to say, change is is always possible. I guess it's just, you know, if it's going to be like really inspired to grow, then we're going to be growing in the same direction, the way that's aligned. You really do need to tend to those environmental factors, tend to the conditions, tend to the climate of your relationship, and trust that whatever growth needs to happen will happen organically on those foundations, rather than like kind of having your hands around someone's neck or, you know, shaking them violently saying, why won't you change to suit me, because you're causing me pain at the moment? I don't think that that's that's tends not to be a very effective strategy. So those were some common misconceptions about avoidant attachment. I might just quickly recap that because, gosh, we ramble on for a bit there. So the first one was avoiding people having aversion to relationships.
Stephanie [00:31:47]:
They don't want to be in relationships. Second one was avoiding people only care about themselves or selfish, narcissistic, all of those labels that we can slap on. The third was avoiding people don't experience anxiety about their relationships. And the 4th was that avoiding people never change or can't change. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope it's given you a new perspective on some of those points, given you some insights about things that you maybe didn't quite appreciate or some some nuances there. And as we said at the start, if you are someone who is more anxious and you're wanting to work on that through the support of my program, definitely check out Healing Anxious Attachment, the wait list, which you can join via my website. I suppose I should probably add at the end as well given what we were talking about today and the fact that you're here, Joel.
Stephanie [00:32:38]:
We also have a couples course called Secure Together, which we created last year. So Joel is my co coach, I suppose, in that one and presents the avoidant side of the the street. And that's a really great course for for anxious avoidant couples to work through together, or if you're in a relationship and you wanna work through it just to understand your relationship and your partner better. And we've had some really beautiful feedback about that, particularly, you know, Joel's presence there and how for a lot of people's partners who were more avoidant that that really created a lot of safety for them and allowed them to feel, like, a lot less intimidated, I suppose, about the whole idea of sitting down and doing a couple's course, which we know might not be the most appealing invitation for some folks who do lean more avoidant. So you can also check out Secure Together if, you're in a relationship and wanting to work on some of the things we've talked about today. And, there's a discount code to save $200. So if you insert the code secure, you can save $200 on that course. Okay.
Stephanie [00:33:43]:
That's all from us today. We are signing off from Bangkok, and look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
Joel [00:33:50]:
Bye, guys.
Stephanie [00:33:53]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
accepting your partner, relationship growth, supportive environment, organic change, personal growth, impending parenthood, misconceptions about avoidant attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment program, Secure Together discount code, attachment styles, self-awareness in relationships, trust in relationships, fundamental attachment needs, vulnerability and control, selfishness in avoidant attachment, uncaring avoidant misconception, expressing care in relationships, anxious-avoidant dynamic, feeling unappreciated, validation and approval, withdraw in relationships, internal anxiety, overthinking in attachment, worst-case scenario mentality, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment patterns, resistance to change, constant individual change, On Attachment podcast, intimacy and closeness struggles.
Cultivating Secure Love with Julie Menanno (@thesecurerelationship)
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by Julie Menanno. Julie is a couples therapist, best known for her hugely popular instagram account @thesecurerelationship where she offers nuanced and insightful takes on attachment dynamics and how couples can overcome negative cycles to build secure relationships. She has just released her first book, Secure Love, which offers couples a roadmap for building thriving relationships that last.
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by Julie Menanno. Julie is a couples therapist, best known for her hugely popular instagram account @thesecurerelationship where she offers nuanced and insightful takes on attachment dynamics and how couples can overcome negative cycles to build secure relationships. She has just released her first book, Secure Love, which offers couples a roadmap for building thriving relationships that last.
Our conversation covers a lot of ground, including:
A deeper look at the fear of abandonment in anxious attachment
Key challenges of avoidant attachment
Negative cycles in anxious-avoidant relationships
What to do when one partner doesn't want to go to therapy
The importance of validating your partner's emotions (even if you disagree with their position)
Julie's tips (as a mum of 6!) for raising secure kids
To connect with Julie Menanno:
Follow Julie on Instagram @thesecurerelationship
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your current or past relationships. Can you identify moments where you felt an emotional safety net was either present or lacking? How did this impact your communication and connection with your partner?
Consider the concept of first and second order change discussed by Julie. Have there been times in your relationship where consistent effort to change was clear, but a shift in the environmental context was necessary to see growth? How did you navigate this, or how might you approach it in the future?
When encountering triggers within your relationship, do you tend to react immediately, or do you take a moment to pause and observe your reactions? Think about a recent situation and how your response may have influenced the outcome.
Growing up, what was the attitude towards conflict and emotions in your household? In what ways do you see this shaping your approach to handling tension and disagreements in your adult relationships?
Julie highlighted the importance of validating each partner's concerns in a relationship. Recall a time when you felt your concerns were fully acknowledged by your partner. How did it affect your feelings and the resolution of the issue?
Upon facing adversity and conflicts in your relationships, do you notice a drive to immediately repair and resolve issues, or do you recognize the potential value in the struggle? How might embracing the messiness contribute to relationship growth?
Think about the last big fight you had in a relationship. In what ways did it provide an opportunity for growth and a deeper understanding of your fears and vulnerabilities? What lessons did you take away from the experience?
Reflect on Julie’s encouragement to recognise and address feelings during everyday activities. How might integrating this practice into your daily routine enhance your overall emotional wellbeing and the quality of your relationships?
Recall a time when you were navigating anxiety or big emotions. How did you handle that moment, and what strategies did you use to trust in your capacity to manage those feelings effectively?
Parenting styles can greatly influence our attachment patterns. Reflect on Julie's parenting approach after finding traditional advice lacking. How has the upbringing you experienced influenced your perception of emotional safety and attachment in your own parenting or in your intimate relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
For today's episode, I am so excited to be joined by Julie Manano, who many of you will know as the brains and the heart behind the hugely popular Instagram account, the secure relationship. Julie is a couple's therapist and she's just published her first book, Secure Love, which is now out and available. Julie is such an incredible source of wisdom on all things attachment and by far my favourite content creator in this area. So I was so, so delighted to have her on the show and I'm really looking forward to sharing this conversation with you, which is all about how couples can use an understanding of themselves and attachment and these dynamics to overcome the cycles that they get stuck in and how you can really start building bridges towards a more secure love with one another. So I have no doubt that this conversation will be hugely helpful for so many of you and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:34]:
Julie, welcome. It's so great to have you.
Julie Menanno [00:01:37]:
Hi, Stephanie. It's great to be here. Thanks for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:41]:
So I absolutely want to talk about your new book, which I'm very excited to receive and read when it comes out. But before we jump into that, I would really love. I'm sure a lot of people listening follow you online, your account, and appreciate your content as much as I do. Something that I really value in your work is that you do such a great job at articulating the fears and the vulnerabilities that sit underneath the attachment styles and the behaviours that we see outwardly, which it's easy to be critical of or judgmental of some of the ways that these fears and vulnerabilities manifest outwardly, particularly when we're in relationship with someone and we're on either side of that.
Julie Menanno [00:02:34]:
Oh, yeah, so hard.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:37]:
Maybe you could share for people. I mean, I think most people listening will be familiar with each of the attachment styles, but kind of going a layer deeper and sharing. What are some of those deeper fears, which oftentimes I think one of the beauties of your content is some of the things you put words to are things that people might not necessarily be consciously aware of very much in terms of their own. What is driving their behaviour so maybe you could just give a little bit of a feel for what sits underneath a lot of those behaviours for each of the insecure attachment styles.
Julie Menanno [00:03:13]:
Well, one thing that comes to mind is when we talk about anxious attachment, most people are kind of familiar with the idea that anxious attachment comes from this fear of abandonment. And when we hear the word abandonment, our minds just sort of go right to physical abandonment. Right. Which can be a real fear for someone with an anxious attachment, just that physical distance and not having lots of contact with their partner through the phone or through text or. However, because that physical proximity helps them feel safe. Like, if you're right there in front of me, I have this sense of safety in my body that you're not gone. Right. But there are also a lot of people with anxious attachment who actually don't really mind not being physically with their partner all the time.
Julie Menanno [00:04:06]:
And what they actually fear is emotional abandonment, which is probably a bigger piece of the puzzle for a lot of people, which is emotional abandonment is feeling emotionally validated, getting messages that your emotions are too much, or your emotions are unreasonable, or your emotions are illogical, or your emotions don't matter to me, which is huge. So what's really going to get someone with anxious attachment triggered is less. Well, I don't want to say less. For some people, we're going to see all of these posts about if they don't text back, things like that. Right. But there's this other piece of it where you hear from your partner, you're just making things up, or you know what? You need to deal with your feelings on your own, or you're seeing it all wrong, or you're just being dramatic. And so that's going to really trigger the heart of someone with an anxious attachment profoundly because of growing up in environments where those were the repeated messages, and that is emotional abandonment. And if you look at things like borderline personality disorder, which is this really extreme version of what I consider attachment insecurity, the only thing that's really common in studies to the childhood environment of people who develop borderline personality disorder, what would you think it would be? Serious abuse, something like this. But it's emotional invalidation. Just an environment of emotional invalidation is enough to create major problems.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:01]:
Yeah, I love that you talk about emotional abandonment. It's something that I've spoken to before and I think that I can relate to it. Like, I lean more anxious and having that fear of, like, are you going to be there when I need you? Even though you're physically here, this sense of am I going to be left alone with these big feelings? Right. And I think that can be really terrifying. And when we see expressions of that various cycles in anxious avoidant dynamics, where you might have someone on the other side who goes the other way and withdraws or pulls away or becomes very defensive, then having that sense of I'm scrambling to try and get engagement from you. And even in this moment when my emotions are getting really big and I'm visibly distressed for you to still be kind of denying me what I need, that can feel like fuel on the fire. Right. It's no secret that I need you in this moment. So surely if you loved me, you would be responding to me the way I want you to respond. And I think, as you say, that can be really viscerally terrifying distressing for someone with more anxious attachment.
Julie Menanno [00:07:20]:
Definitely. And then we have this other side, which is the person who's not showing up. Right. And so what does it look like? It looks like they don't care. They're disengaged. It's irrelevant. I'm irrelevant to them. But really what's happening is they're getting overwhelmed with I don't know what to do. I never learned how to help myself in these emotionally hard places, so I really don't know how to help a partner. And the way that I did learn to help myself was to shove my feelings away, just make them go away or go into this fix it place in my brain. And so what I know to do to help you is what I've learned to do to help me. And really not recognising the impact of, well, you should just see it differently, or let's just do whatever I have to do to make these big emotions go away that I don't know how to deal with. And then eventually they get overwhelmed to the point that none of my strategies are working here, which doesn't make sense because they work with me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:27]:
Everything I say or don't say makes this worse. Right? Yes, exactly.
Julie Menanno [00:08:33]:
So then they shut down. It's like, where does this start? A chicken or the egg? It doesn't start anywhere, it just is as far as way they're interacting with each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:46]:
Yeah. And it's something that I take very seriously in my work is not kind of creating a hierarchy of these different expressions and not, I think, particularly avoidant attachment gets a really bad rap in a lot of online content. And it's something that I'm really quite passionate about balancing that and giving people more kind of inroads into understanding that in a compassionate way and recognising everything that you just articulated makes perfect sense. Right. In the environment in which it sprung from, that's a really adaptive response.
Julie Menanno [00:09:31]:
It really is empowering. I think for somewhere along the line I'm not exactly sure where, but anxious partners got this idea that they have these needs, the avoidance can't show up for these needs and so it must be the avoidance that's the problem. But how disempowering is that? Right? To think that you really can't do anything, that you're just kind of a victim to what this other person is doing. So I love that you said you balance this out because it's so important because when anxious partners really start to learn there's a lot of work they can be doing to shift the environment, I think a much more empowering message.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:11]:
I agree. I think that as much as it might be a hard pill to swallow for people to recognise their part in the dynamic and what they need to take responsibility for, I think that it's ultimately much more empowering place to be than kind of throwing your hands up and saying well, you just don't meet my needs or you always do this or I'm doing all the work and you're the roadblock. And I think coupled with the tendency for anxious folks to persist in light of all of those criticisms or judgments it's not like they're reaching a decision of this isn't working for me and walking away. It's like, this isn't working for me, but I'm going to sit here and protest about it.
Julie Menanno [00:10:53]:
Exactly. I'm going to keep watering the plant with gasoline.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:56]:
Yeah, exactly. And then feeling really frustrated and overwhelmed. Does this keep happening to me?
Julie Menanno [00:11:03]:
She can water the plant with gasoline?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:05]:
Yeah, absolutely. So maybe we can pivot to talking about your book secure love, which is probably by the time this episode comes out, will be out in the world. So anyone listening, please go ahead and order a copy. If you haven't already. Tell us about the book. What's kind of the premise? What do you take people through?
Julie Menanno [00:11:25]:
Well, I wrote it for a lot of different reasons and every time I'm interviewed I give another different reason. Whatever comes to mind. But I have seen a lot of success in doing the type of work that I do with couples, working with attachment theory and my private practise and when I started my Instagram account, which is where I started putting out information, where I was starting from is, look, there are a lot of people out there who just don't have access to couples therapy and don't have access to quality couples therapy. And how can I kind of help people that are in that position in the best way possible through social media platform and kind of tie attachment theory altogether? Like, let's put it into context. You have an anxious attachment, you get your partner has an avoidant attachment. Now, how does it show up between the two of you? And more importantly, how is it creating these negative communication cycles, which is basically the anxious attachment partner being anxious and the avoidant attachment partner being avoidant? And now they're reinforcing all of these insecurities. They're speaking in a way that can go from kind of a normal conversation into a big fight and they're not getting problem solved. Those kinds of negative cycles block actual resolution to our talk about finances or our talk about parenting or sex or politics or whatever it is.
Julie Menanno [00:12:57]:
And in the process, they're also hurting each other emotionally and reinforcing the already insecure attachment. So I'm kind of leading with, hey, here's attachment theory. Here's a very detailed description of anxious attachment, the childhood environment, how it looks in adulthood, here's how it shows up in these negative cycles. Here's what you can do to interrupt them when they happen, here's what you can do to prevent them, here's what you can do to repair them. And then just lots of practical skills, lots of actual words, scripts, if you don't have the words and you haven't learned these words yet, it's just a concept. And it can be really hard for people to put concepts into actions, especially in these moments when they're kind of like on the spot and you got to say it the right way. And then some couples are blocked by attachment injuries, which is something I have to work within my practise too, which is kind of like these added layers of attachment wounds, major breaches of trust. Moments when you really needed your partner to show up for you and they weren't there.
Julie Menanno [00:14:10]:
And a lot of times these old wounds are blocking their ability to even put New practises into place, put new communication into place, because there's all this resentment and mistrust built up. So then I'm going to kind of say, hey, here are some ideas, here are the way that healing conversations go. Here's what a healing conversation looks like. Now that you've kind of learned to do that outside of these negative cycles. Let's see if we can start healing some of this, which is only going to make the work easier, then just goes into just different other considerations, like mental illness, sex, substance abuse, anything that's kind of layers to relationships that are more than standard fighting about money. And then I have a whole chapter of scripts. Just, you need to bring up a hard topic to your partner. Here are some things to say.
Julie Menanno [00:15:08]:
Your partner doesn't want to go to therapy. Here are some things to say and just multiple examples just to give people the words. And it's not just the words, we need to make words our own. But I also break down the phrases into elements, which is, this is why I validated at the beginning of this sentence, this is why I ended it in this way. So if you're not wanting to use my words, and sometimes they aren't even my words, they're just as neutral as I can be for people who are reading the book that all speak from in different ways, different cultures, it's just like, well, let's just help you integrate the elements here.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:50]:
Yeah, and I'm sure that's immensely helpful for people who, as you say, just don't have that reference point. Maybe they grew up in a family system where things weren't talked about or they weren't talked about in a productive way, and you've just not had that relational environment either directly or you've never had it modelled. So I think that having those scripts can be so helpful. Something that comes up for me, as you say, that is, I hear from a lot of people with more anxious patterns who very much want the scripts. And something that I'm always minded to add in as a caveat is here's a script and you kind of have to surrender a little to the messiness of being in relationship. And I think that there can be this sense of if I say the perfect thing in the perfect way, then I'll get the outcome that I want. And if I do my part, then you have to do your part, you have to respond in the way that I want you to. And if you don't, then I'll go straight back into, well, you're. The problem is that something that you.
Julie Menanno [00:16:57]:
See, I do address this pretty extensively in the book, which is this change really does need to come from your heart. If it's coming from a place of, well, I'm only doing this because I really want to control what you're going to do, then it's really not change at all. So we really have to shift that heart place, which is why I put the scripts at the end of the book, not the beginning.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:20]:
Yeah, I think it is. It's funny it can almost be like a covert extension of the cycle when it is.
Julie Menanno [00:17:29]:
That's perfectly worded.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:34]:
Rather than shifting it, there can be ways that that cycle can come back in. And I think that that is a really challenging edge for people. Something that I still notice come up and I have to keep tabs on is that story of like, one person trying extending the olive branch, and then if they still get some sort of defensiveness or their partner doesn't immediately become a different person and respond totally differently, then it can spiral back. What would you say to people in that, like, kind of realistic expectations around how this change happens?
Julie Menanno [00:18:13]:
Well, I do address, this is another topic I do address extensively in the book, which is we're looking at the big picture here. We're looking for the end. This is a long game. When you start this work, there really are no guarantees that you can put the right term coin into the vending machine and push the button and you're going to get the bag of chips. Right. We have to look at it. The mindset has to be one. I really want to be the person.
Julie Menanno [00:18:44]:
I want to be in the world, right. I want to be a person who can communicate myself in the healthiest way possible, can kind of regulate my emotions before I deliver my messages. And if you look at it that way, you can't lose, right? Because every time you try something new that's going to help you grow as a person, that's a win, even if your partner doesn't respond in the exact way that you would like. Now, of course, we all really need and want for the relationship to be close, for our partner to be able to respond openly and positively to our shifts. But in most cases, that's not going to happen right away. It's a matter of environmental shift. Second order change. So first order change is I'm just going to start delivering my messages in a new way.
Julie Menanno [00:19:40]:
Second order change is when the environment starts to become new and you have to do a lot of consistent, repetitive first order change before second order change starts to become a natural way of being for both partners. And most of the couples out there that are working, they aren't necessarily working parallel to each other, growing at the exact same rate. So your job as a partner isn't to kind of make your partner grow. You want your partner to grow. You crave your partner's growth. You need your partner's growth for closeness in the relationship. But your real job is to do your part to clean up the environment. And when we have clean environments, and if one partner can start kind of getting the ball rolling on that process and putting emotional safety into the relationship even when the other partner isn't able to.
Julie Menanno [00:20:38]:
Right. Then people are their best selves when they feel safe. People start to reflect when they feel safe. So if your partner is going. I refuse to go to couples therapy. Couples therapy is for people who are about to get divorced. The typical anxious response to that is, what? You don't care about the relationship? I'm the only one doing the work here. Right.
Julie Menanno [00:20:59]:
Well, that's not really safe because it's not really taking into account the other partner's very legitimate concerns. If the other partner has this idea that if we go to couples therapy, we're going to end up getting divorced. Because I've have numerous examples of people in my life who are divorced who went to couples therapy. So my nervous system is kind of wired around the idea that this wasn't safe. That needs to be held and validated, right? Yes. The ultimate goal is to get the help. I want that for the couple as much as the anxious partner. But that avoidant partner really needs space to hear.
Julie Menanno [00:21:41]:
You know what? That makes sense to me. It really does. I mean, I believe that we should go to couples therapy. We're in a bad spot. We can't seem to get out of it on our own. But at the same time, if you have seen multiple people go to couples therapy and end up getting divorced, of course you don't want to go down that road. That's a threat to you. And I really do get that.
Julie Menanno [00:22:03]:
And then maybe some space later to kind of insert your opinion that is going to lead that avoidant partner into self reflect. There's a much better chance it's going to lead them into self reflection more than just pushing their needs to the side. And then what do people do? They usually double down.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:23]:
Yeah, that's a lot. Sorry. I think that. No, it's really important, and it's something that I was going to ask you about, like this idea of almost invariably there's one partner who's more proactive and wants to do the work and has certain meanings associated with that. And I think for more anxious people, it's like, because I care about our relationship, it's very important to get ahead of all of the problems. It'd be plugging all of even the tiniest little leaky hole in the boat. Let's talk about it and make a plan and do it all the time. Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:56]:
Process for more avoidant partners, like doing the work can have a very different meaning and association. And it can feel like there's always something wrong, there's always something wrong, and you're always unhappy with me, and we deal with that thing and there's another thing and that can kind of chip away at their sense of self, their sense of like, am I doing a good job as your partner? And when there's just really different conceptions of what it means to do this kind of work in a relationship, what it means about you as individuals, what it means about your connection, then I think when we project what it means for us onto them and go, well, it's important to me to do this work because I care about our relationship so much and you don't want to do it, so you mustn't care about our relationship, then we cause ourselves a lot of pain, right? Whereas I think when we can, and it's so much easier said than done in those moments of hurt and when we're so genuinely invested in a solution that we believe is the right one, but validating someone's resistance or defensiveness and getting curious about it and going, okay, what must this be about for you? What might be underneath your resistance? And how can I feel into that in a way that I can try and understand it rather than just making you wrong for it? Because I think, as you say, it's like if I make you wrong for it, is that going to open you or close you? It's going to close you, and that's going to get me again, we don't want to be always acting from a place of getting what we want from someone. But I think you can also look at that and go, what's the natural consequence of me blaming and shaming you for the way that you genuinely feel about this thing? That's a really big issue. I think someone doubling down, as you say, and digging their heels in, that's a really understandable, natural consequence of feeling like you're under attack. And I can also imagine you as a couple's therapist that a lot of people with more avoidant patterns would have this fear of, like, you're going to kind of drag me to the principal's office and sit me down and have someone just bolster your side of the argument. So I'm going to be under attack on multiple fronts.
Julie Menanno [00:25:23]:
That is so true. And I could have used that as an example, and I definitely use that in the book, too, which is their avoidant partners or anybody who doesn't want to go to therapy, they have really good reasons for not wanting to go it doesn't mean at the end of the day, sometimes the conversation at some point might need to get to look, this relationship is in a really bad spot. It's not working for me and we're either going to have to go or I don't know what, but kind of setting a little bit more of a firmer boundary around it. But we need to just lead with just figuring out and validating your perspective because it makes sense on some level. Even if it's. I don't agree. I don't agree with your opinion. The emotions behind that opinion are always valid. And to your point, when you're approaching it in that way, you are actually working on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:26:24]:
Yeah. And I think that being able to have that conversation and say I understand why this feels, might feel a certain way for you. For me, I've seen you reference this before and I talk about it as well. It's like shifting into that. This is a problem that we are facing together. Right. The things that exist in our relationship feel bigger than our ability to solve them at the moment. And clearly what we're doing isn't working and it's tiring and it's exhausting speaking to some of those what are likely to be shared experiences of the problem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:27:08]:
This really sucks. I hate feeling disconnected from you all the time. I hate feeling like we're always at each other's throats and I just don't know what to do anymore because it feels like the things we're trying aren't working. And I think that shifting into that immediately just brings the temperature down a bit.
Julie Menanno [00:27:25]:
It really does, like you said, opens people up. And I'm in the business of behaviour change, but I'm in the business of getting to that behaviour change with open hearts. And that comes from communicating in a healthy way. There's no way around it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:27:45]:
Yeah, I think, as you say, it's about creating safety and I think we have to really have that at front of mind at all points in relationship is the thing that I'm about to do. All of my default modes of being in relationship is that likely to contribute to or detract from the safety of the person that I'm in relationship with or the broader environment and culture of our relationship. And I think when we ask ourselves that and kind of pause and cheque in so many of the things that we do on autopilot, if we have more insecure patterns, wouldn't pass that test. They're about our safety, but from a very survival driven place that's probably not well suited to the kind of relationship that we really desire and are trying to build.
Julie Menanno [00:28:36]:
Absolutely, yes. It's actually blocking that relationship that you're longing for.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:42]:
Yeah. So something that I'm curious about is how much of this work do you think in terms of insecure attachment and repairing and moving towards a more secure relationship? Is that work that you think people can do solely in a relational context, or is it doing your own work and doing it relationally? Is it sort of just whatever presents itself to you is an opportunity to do that work?
Julie Menanno [00:29:12]:
I think so. I think that probably the most effective way to look at it is every interaction with a person. It doesn't really matter if it's the clerk at the market or your partner. Every interaction has the potential to trigger you. Right. And it's your triggers. That's where the work lies, is when you're triggered. And ultimately the work is when you're triggered.
Julie Menanno [00:29:41]:
What are you going to do from that point? Are you going to do something? Are you going to snap at the clerk at the market and then feel bad about yourself for the rest of the day? Are you going to snap at the clerk in the market and then forgive yourself and help yourself make sense of that and think about what you may have done differently? Are you going to take that moment when the clerk snaps at you and step inside and take a moment to go, what's going on with me? Okay, I'm feeling kind of disrespected right now, but I'm going to choose to not show up in a way that I don't want to be in the world. And so if we just take that into the relationship, I mean, every interaction gives you the opportunity to grow. Every interaction. But you don't need to be in a romantic relationship to examine your triggers. We have relationships with family members. We have relationships with friends. I do think it's important to have someone in your life that's a secure attachment for you, whether that's a therapist or someone that you meet at an Al Anon group or a friend who is dependable and can be there for you in kind of a good enough way. When we get that dependability and that support, that emotional support, it's co regulating to our nervous systems, and it does help us grow as a person. Right. But I think it's like you said, you're taking every opportunity to grow and to start doing things differently with your feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:31:19]:
Yeah. And a lot of it is really kind of mundane and unglamorous. Right. I think that people expect healing to be this big, dramatic moment of epiphany. But as you say, it's just like chipping away. It's like putting a coin in the jar a day at a time.
Julie Menanno [00:31:38]:
I go on walks with my dog and I start noticing these feelings of, like, I just want this. Normally, I love walking, but sometimes I'll think, I just want to get all this stuff done. I wish this walk was over. And that's an opportunity for me to cheque in and say, what's going on right now? That this sense of urgency is getting in my way of enjoying this walk, enjoying this time out here and being present in nature. And that can help me sort of reground myself. And now the walk becomes this more pleasurable experience, instead of just getting in the way of my compulsive need to work. So how does that show up in my relationship? Well, I have just taken that moment to practise getting into my body, finding that sense of urgency that kind of shows up in my chest, paying attention to that, soothing it, and then kind of being able to go into a different place in my heart where I'm more present. So the next time my husband triggers me, I have had that practise going into my body like that.
Julie Menanno [00:32:45]:
And now, because I've practised that in these other parts of life, it's easier for me to step back and go, all right, what's going on? What about what he said is kind of stirring me up inside? And how can I kind of ground myself and get more present and show up in the healthiest way possible? That's not going to lead us down this rabbit hole of a negative cycle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:06]:
Yeah, I love that you share that. I think having that capacity to pause, and it is such a practise just to pause and go, how interesting that this thing is stirring this response in me. And I think as soon as we do that, we sort of rise above it and we create that distance that allows us to observe it, and then maybe gently question it, and it just feels less all consuming and true. And I think when it feels less all consuming and true, then we're not so propelled to just act from that place, which so often, as you say, is this kind of heightened, dysregulated place of I have to do something or something dissociative. But it's just like I lose the ability to kind of bring myself back when I can't see what's happening. And so whether it's like walking the dog or waking up in the morning and noticing some anxiety, being able to turn towards that with a level of, like, interesting. I'm feeling anxious today. What might that be about for me, and what do I need? How can I support myself to feel a little bit more grounded or a little safer in my body or whatever it might be? I think that process is so repairing in our own self relationship. Right. It's like, oh, I can tend to myself in those uncomfortable moments or those big moments.
Julie Menanno [00:34:36]:
Even when what's going on around me might not be perfect, I'm still able to stay with myself, and I think this is important too. And you kind of touched on this earlier, which is, these are subtle shifts. Right. My walk isn't going from, oh, my gosh, I just want to get home to, oh, Zen. This is such a glorious walk. It's just going into this step of a little bit more present. And I think sometimes people do this work and they kind of expect to go from one extreme to the other, and we're really not. We're just trying to feel better. Whatever better looks like it isn't this glamorous big shift. Sometimes it's just more subtle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:22]:
Healed.
Julie Menanno [00:35:23]:
Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:23]:
Congratulations. Yeah, I think that's true. Such a big part of it is, like, changing the way we relate to ourselves and our feelings as well. I work mostly with anxiously attached people, and it's like, on the other side of this work. Does that mean I won't experience anxiety anymore in my relationship? It's like, sadly not. That's a human thing. But I think just, like, having a level of openness to the full spectrum of experience and the messiness of being human and being in relationships. And I think really critically, like, trusting in our capacity to hold ourselves through that and to navigate whatever that might look like rather than fearing the big emotions because we don't trust ourselves to experience them and we think, oh, no, if that happens, I won't be okay. And so I have to just frantically try and prevent any of those, and.
Julie Menanno [00:36:23]:
Then it's just such an exhausting way to live.
Stephanie Rigg [00:36:25]:
Yeah, absolutely. And it's kind of ironically, your whole life becomes about the thing you don't want to happen. Right. It takes up so much bandwidth.
Julie Menanno [00:36:36]:
It does. And then you've created the self fulfilling prophecy because you're having a hard time trusting your future self to handle when things don't go well. And if we can do nothing else in our line of work, it's helping people develop that trust. I can learn to handle my own feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:36:58]:
Yeah. And just kind of surrendering to the uncertainty of it. All right. Even secure healthy relationships are going to have hard times and they're going to have bumps in the road. And I think having this very idealistic perception of if I can again, control for all of these things and I'm going to eliminate, totally derisk my relationship to the point where I won't have to ever feel hurt or disappointed or any of those things, I won't ever have trust broken. And that's the bar that we're setting, I think, again, is unrealistic and it's really setting ourselves up to fail.
Julie Menanno [00:37:41]:
We are. And the growth lies in the ruptures. Right. I would never want couples to not have ruptures because that's how they learn to kind of take it to that next step. Maybe this is a topic that we haven't been addressing and so now it's kind of overwhelming our coping mechanisms and we kind of got lost in that negative cycle not being our best selves. Well, coming back together in that repair process opens up space for the vulnerability that was tapped into that might be surrounding this hard topic, deeper layers of our fears and who we are. And it provides opportunity to bond and become stronger.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:29]:
Yeah, absolutely.
Julie Menanno [00:38:31]:
When I see couples, I see these patterns and they're going along and their relationship is getting better and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere they're feeling so confident and out of nowhere they have this big fight. And almost always, once we work through whatever that big fight was, there's a big growth spurt.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:53]:
Yeah. I think it's also like giving ourselves a lot of grace and not treating that fight as like, oh, it's a major regression in the trajectory that we've been on. I think recognising the absolute inevitability of these ruptures and kind of working that into our expectation of what it means to be in relationship with someone. Because it's messy. Right. It's like two people coming together with all of their own stuff and kind of two lives and we're trying to build something together. Like, of course we're going to stumble. Of course the person I want to stumble with and get up with and kind of do that messy work of rebuilding, I think that's really the much healthier mindset around it, rather than really.
Julie Menanno [00:39:41]:
Is it so much more realistic and the expectations are more appropriate and it's like, as long as we don't want that messiness to take over the relationship and define the climate, there's so much value in that messiness. So much value. Yeah, I mean, a lot of the partners that I see some of them are actually struggling, not so much because they grew up in a high conflict household, but because they grew up in a no conflict household. So now they get into a relationship with more of a norm, which is, hey, we don't see eye to eye about everything. And so what they experienced growing up was that usually it was like, one partner who was making all the decisions. And the reason that there wasn't conflict is because one partner had all the power in the relationship, or they switched power. But still, somehow, this couple, these parents, managed to just not have overt conflict. So what happens to someone who doesn't experience their own parents having rupture and repair, then now they think that these ruptures that are now happening in my relationship, there must be something wrong. They have very little skills to actually repair the situation. So we do want some adversity.
Stephanie Rigg [00:41:03]:
Yeah, I think that's a really important point. It's something I can relate to. In my family. There wasn't a lot of loud conflict fighting, but I was definitely acutely aware of when there was tension.
Julie Menanno [00:41:16]:
And that can be really hard.
Stephanie Rigg [00:41:18]:
Yeah. And I think that that then, for me, has I developed in that environment where I'm now very sensitive to energetic shifts in a dynamic and can experience those. And I've had to do a lot of work around it, like, experience those as really threatening and as some precursor to something very bad, something that's really going to rock the boat. And that feels quite threatening to my system. And so having to kind of disentangle all of that body memory that says, like, oh, this is bad. And you need to kind of get on the front foot and figure out what the problem is and stop it before it becomes something bigger. There's a lot of really, just as.
Julie Menanno [00:42:05]:
You talk, I'm just feeling that anxiety in my system when you're in those situations and, you know, there's this tension, but it's not being talked about. Sometimes that can feel worse than actually hearing people fight.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:20]:
Absolutely. And I think it does create that hyper vigilance, too, the elephant in the room. And it's something that still now, really, I have such a strong reaction to is, like, there's a thing that's being avoided. There's a conversation that's being avoided or an issue that's being avoided. And I have such a visible reaction to that perception because it has all of the weight of that history behind it.
Julie Menanno [00:42:48]:
Well, what's coming to mind? It's interesting. I'm sure you're familiar with the strange situation. The original, I don't know if you remember this piece, but the children who were labelled as anxious attachment were crying and they were kind of inconsolable when they got triggered. And the mom was kind of anxiously trying to calm them down, but it took an extended period of time compared to the babies with secure attachment. The avoidant children, on the other hand, were just blank. They didn't show much emotion at all. They weren't showing any signs of distress, they just kept playing with the toys. But it was the avoidant children who were more physiologically aroused, even more so than the anxious children.
Julie Menanno [00:43:30]:
So there is something to be said for at least with anxious attachment, that energy is somewhat getting expelled. Not that it's all got its downsides in different ways, but I'm just thinking of you sitting there as a child and know you didn't grow up in this high conflict home, but yet you still have this sense of anxiety and it probably took you a while in your life, I'm guessing, to recognise, hey, that was painful, too.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:58]:
Yeah, absolutely. I think having that, being able to really honestly look at the environments that we grew up in, not in a way that's trying to lay blame or create a trauma that wasn't there, but to go, oh, okay, yeah, that had an impact. That kind of makes sense that this grew from that and that I adapted in that way and that made a lot of sense in that environment. But maybe that's not serving me well in this new environment that I'm trying to create. I think finding that middle road is really valuable in doing this work and having more context for ourselves and the way that we show up in relationships.
Julie Menanno [00:44:41]:
So true. I love how you said you're not looking for problems, but you are looking at the problems that might still be alive today. And I say this in the book, too. It's like, look, I'm not trying to take away your happy childhood memories or your love for your parents at all. All of it can be true. You can look at your child and say, hey, I was basically a happy kid. I felt loved, I felt supported. And here are some things that maybe didn't go well that are still kind of getting.
Julie Menanno [00:45:14]:
That are getting in my way in this relationship. And some people have the other experience where they're like, no, it was absolutely awful. I felt horrible. All of it can be true. There's no one thing that we can say. You have to have this set of trauma in order to be suffering now.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:35]:
Yeah, that provides a nice segue. I was going to finish by asking you a very self interested question, because I know that you have. Do you have five kids?
Julie Menanno [00:45:45]:
Six kids.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:47]:
Six kids. I'm six months pregnant with my first. It is very exciting. I'm very curious to ask you, coming from all of this work, and obviously with having six kids, what would you say is kind of attachment? How has doing this work, I suppose influenced the way that you have approached being a parent?
Julie Menanno [00:46:12]:
Well, it dramatically influenced the way that I am a parent. I mean, just dramatically. I mean, I started off in a really bad foot. This information wasn't available to me. I was not in the field at the time. I did not grow up in a home with much positive modelling and lots of stuff there. So when I had my first son, I was just dead set on figuring it all out. But I was reading all these parenting books, which this was 2001, so they weren't as progressed as they are now. And a lot of them were just kind of giving different contradictory information. I felt like an absolute mess. I did not know what I was doing and I definitely did not get at all the emotional support piece. In my mind, it was like, you create a structured environment, you send them to the right school, you feed them a really healthy diet. I was a stay at home mom and you just kind of put all these things into the recipe and everything works out. But my kids were really lacking in emotional support until I went a little bit before going back to grad school. I started discovering work on self compassion and that was a real shift for me. And then from there, that got me into attachment theory.
Julie Menanno [00:47:34]:
And before that I started doing more of that attachment parenting style, which seemed to be very helpful for me as far as bonding. But my kids are all teenager. Well, they're twelve to 22, so teenage, young, preteen to young adolescent. And the relationship that I have with my children is profoundly healthy. It is probably the biggest achievement I think, of my life, is what I have been able to create with my kids. I have it down. I know how to be emotionally supportive, I know how to be validating. I know how to get them to understand themselves on a deeper level. And for anyone out there who has kids that you have had strained relationships with, or you feel guilty because you hear all this attachment information and we're always sort of blaming the parents, right? There is a way to turn it around. Just keep going with this information, keep going with learning. Truly, it all boils down to learning how to be emotionally supportive. And I hope I answered your question.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:49]:
Yeah, no, absolutely. It's funny I wanted to ask you because people have been asking me, and while I have my ideas about how I plan to approach parenting, knowing what I know about this work, I'm also very ready to be humbled because I think that going into it, ideals are one thing, and I'm sure the reality of it will be challenging and beautiful and surprising in so many ways. Something that I keep coming back to for myself is like safety, factual safety versus the perception of safety. And I think for babies, infants, children, the perception of safety, and frankly, adults is so much more rich and important in having that really felt sense of security. And I think so much kind of more traditional parenting stuff is just about like, is the baby factually safe? Right? Do they have their physical needs met? Rather than all of that emotional nurturance and validation which is like, do you feel that? Do you perceive yourself to be safe? And really leading with what would a child be wanting from me in order to feel safe in this moment with whatever behaviour they're presenting, I think is a really helpful kind of North Star on a lot of decisions around that.
Julie Menanno [00:50:12]:
It's so true. We really do need to put emotions first. And I think in this culture we're putting achievements first, we're putting school first, we're putting sports first, and even maybe physical health sometimes first, which is, as we know, all those things are wonderful and important. But what needs to happen first is emotional safety. Truly, the parents that I've worked with throughout the years that have become parents as we're doing this work or after they've done all this work, just goes my blanket. I have seen them be very successful from day one, so there is hope, you know, so much. I just want to reassure you that what I see is that people who are going into parenting doing this work, that the experience is just so pleasurable for them because they get to feel so successful. And for me, when I had my first, I was learning, oh, you have to let them cry it out.
Julie Menanno [00:51:17]:
They've got to be on this sleep schedule. I mean, to this day I have PTSD symptoms around listening to my son cry, I just. Horrible memories. With my third, I learned this attachment parenting where I was carrying her in a sling and sleeping with her. And to me that was a beautiful experience. Not that everybody needs to take it that far, but for me that way of living was far less exhausting than the other way. I was getting sleep at night. I felt the felt sense of emotionals.
Julie Menanno [00:51:45]:
Everything just felt safe and right and then. Are you familiar with gober mate?
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:52]:
Yes.
Julie Menanno [00:51:53]:
Okay, so have you read his book on add scattered no, I haven't. Okay, well, there's a chapter in this book, kind of near the end about parenting, and it feels a little, I don't know if I want to say random, but it's a parenting style that he's bringing to life and describing that is exactly the way I've learned to parent. And whenever he's describing it in this book, in this add book, which it doesn't have to be about add at all, to me, that's the way to go, is that chapter of the graph latte book. And I have seen that way of being with children be so successful.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:33]:
Yeah. A lot of his stuff around parenting really resonates. He has a section in his newest book, the myth of normal around parenting, and there's another one, hold on to your kids, which he co wrote with another guy, which is direct. Okay. Yeah, well, no, but he's so prolific that he really covers such a broad scope. But yeah, a lot of his stuff makes a lot of sense to me and everything.
Julie Menanno [00:53:00]:
You're going to be fine.
Stephanie Rigg [00:53:01]:
If you're already is hoping again, I'm very ready to be humbled, but I'm feeling better prepared than I certainly would have been without all of this work. It's an exciting time. Julie, where can people find you? I think I suspect a lot of people listening will already be familiar with you. But for those who aren't, what's the best way for them to engage more deeply with your work and stay connected with you?
Julie Menanno [00:53:30]:
Well, my home base, because this is where I kind of started putting this information out, is my Instagram account, which is at the secure relationship. I also have a website where you can go to just see my podcast that I've done, not mine, but guest appeared on. That is where you'll find links to the book. I do have a team of therapists working for me, coaches, actually, that work all over the globe. And then my book, secure love, which is now out, not as I speak. When this airs, you can find it anywhere. It's all over the world, lots of different places. But I always say we'll just go to Amazon and that seems like an easy one.
Julie Menanno [00:54:20]:
So, yeah, secure love by Julie Manano. I'm really proud. Really proud. I really think I've put something together that is going to really have a lot to give to the world, and that feels really good for me. But if you don't want to buy the book, definitely go to my Instagram account because all of the information is there. I mean, it's disjointed it's not as organised, but as you know, my posts are very lengthy, very much in depth. So Instagram account is an actual book, if you don't mind kicking around a lot and reading the same thing over and over.
Stephanie Rigg [00:54:54]:
Thanks, Julie. We'll link all of that in the show notes and absolutely, I think your Instagram is invaluable. But I also very much look forward to receiving a copy of the book. Julie, thank you so much for a beautiful conversation. It's been very insightful and I'm sure will be hugely valuable to everyone who is listening.
Julie Menanno [00:55:13]:
All right, well, great. Thanks for having me and congratulations and I'm so excited for you. Glowing. Now it makes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:55:21]:
Well, I think it's because it's the middle of summer here. People keep saying to me that I'm glowing and I think it's just like light sweat. But I'm happy to take the compliment on glowing, the word that is reserved for pregnant women.
Stephanie Rigg [00:55:35]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
communication in relationships, emotional regulation, personal growth, first order change, second order change, emotional safety, validating concerns, anxious partners, avoidant partners, empathetic conversations, behaviour change, secure attachment, self-regulation, self-improvement, navigating emotions, self-trust, managing negative emotions, relationship adversity, conflict resolution, relationship growth, low-conflict upbringing, childhood impact on relationships, attachment theory, self-compassion, Gabor Maté, parenting advice, couples therapy, attachment styles, negative communication cycles, practical relationship skills
On Getting Back Together with an Ex
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In today's episode, we're talking all about getting back together with an ex. Facing the prospect of rekindling after a relationship has ended can bring up so many conflicting feelings - longing, optimism and hope, together with fear, worry, self-doubt and anxiety.
In helping you navigate the messiness of these situations, I'll be sharing some good reasons and some not-so-good reasons why you might consider getting back together with an ex, and how you can best approach that decision to support yourself and your relationship going forward.
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Navigating the Decision to Get Back Together with an Ex
If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that relationships can be a rollercoaster of emotions. From the intense highs of love and connection to the gut-wrenching lows of heartbreak and uncertainty, it's no wonder that the decision to get back together with an ex can leave us feeling conflicted and confused. In this article, we'll delve into the complexities of rekindling with an ex, exploring both the potential pitfalls and the signs that it might be worth considering.
Navigating the Emotional Rollercoaster
Breaking up with someone can stir up a wide range of feelings - grief, relief, loneliness, uncertainty, and self-doubt, to name a few. It's essential to recognise that these emotions are entirely normal, even if the relationship may not have been healthy. The aftermath of a breakup is often marked by a selective memory of the good times, leaving us longing for what once was, rather than acknowledging the hardships that led to the breakup.
For those with anxious attachment patterns, the post-breakup period can be particularly challenging. The focus on salvaging the relationship and the feelings of failure can exacerbate the emotional turmoil. It’s vital to acknowledge that even if a relationship was dysfunctional, the attachment to that person takes time to unravel. It’s not always rational - it's emotional and deeply biological.
Evaluating the Reasons to Rekindle
Amidst the overwhelming emotions of a breakup, it's essential to consider the motives for seeking to reunite with an ex. Missing your ex, fear of being alone, or simply feeling disheartened by the dating landscape are some common reasons. However, these reasons may not always provide a sturdy foundation for rekindling a relationship.
It’s important to be cautious of reuniting with an ex simply because you miss them. Grief and longing are typical after a breakup, but they alone may not warrant getting back together. Similarly, a fear of loneliness or a reluctance to re-enter the dating scene can inadvertently drive us back into a relationship that may not address our needs and desires.
Healthy Reflection and Communication
When considering the possibility of reuniting with an ex, honest and open communication is key. It's crucial to have clear conversations about the reasons for the breakup, how each party contributed to the issues in the relationship, and the unmet needs. Addressing these aspects could provide valuable insights into the patterns that were not working, and ways to nurture a healthier relationship.
Reflection on why things might be different this time is equally important. Simply being aware of the issues may not be sufficient - a proactive plan to nurture the relationship and prevent the re-emergence of past challenges is vital. Without a structured approach to address the root causes of the breakup, there's a risk of falling back into the same detrimental patterns.
The Role of Time and Growth
One potential indicator of a successful reunion with an ex is the presence of substantial time and personal growth since the breakup. A significant period apart can offer clarity and a fresh perspective. It provides an opportunity for both individuals to grow individually, learn from past mistakes, and evaluate what they truly seek in a relationship.
If time apart has allowed for personal growth and life circumstances have evolved positively, reuniting with an ex may present a more promising prospect. This new beginning offers the chance to build a relationship free from the baggage of the past, bringing a renewed sense of understanding and open communication.
In Conclusion
The decision to get back together with an ex is a significant one, fraught with emotional weight and potential challenges. It's essential to approach this decision with self-responsibility, honesty, and a compassionate understanding of our own needs.
Rekindling with an ex requires a thoughtful and reflective approach, focusing on clear communication, recognition of growth, insight into past issues, and a proactive plan for the future. While navigating this decision may be complex, assessing the reasons for considering a reunion will guide us towards making a choice that aligns with our well-being and personal growth.
If you're currently contemplating the possibility of reuniting with an ex, remember that it's okay to seek support and guidance through this process. The road to revitalising a past relationship can be uncertain, but with introspection and clear communication, it's possible to approach this decision with a sense of understanding and confidence.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How have you experienced the emotions of grief, loss, and relief after a breakup in your own life? How do these emotions influence your decision-making about getting back together with an ex?
2. Have you ever found yourself longing for the past good memories in a relationship after it has ended, leading to a selective memory of the day-to-day challenges? How did this impact your perspective on the relationship and the possibility of getting back together?
3. Have you ever felt the fear of being alone or settling for a familiar but dissatisfying relationship? How does this fear influence your decisions about reconnecting with an ex or starting anew in the dating pool?
4. In thinking about the reasons for getting back together with an ex, have you had clear conversations about how both partners contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, unmet needs, and the patterns that were harmful?
5. How do you approach the idea of growth and change, both in yourself and in a potential partner, when considering getting back together with an ex? What role does personal growth play in rebuilding a relationship?
6. Reflect on a time when you or someone you know had to navigate an anxious-avoidant dynamic in a relationship. How did this impact the decision to rekindle the relationship, and what factors should be considered in this context?
7. Have you ever faced the challenge of maintaining a balanced power dynamic in a relationship after reuniting with an ex? What are some warning signs and red flags to be aware of in this situation?
8. If you have taken a substantial amount of time apart from an ex and reconnected, how did this distance impact the potential for a renewed relationship? What changes or new circumstances made a difference in your decision?
9. Discuss the role of self-responsibility and self-care when making the decision to get back together with an ex. How can one balance their own needs with the desire to rekindle a relationship?
10. How important is it to have a plan for change and growth when considering getting back together with an ex? What are the key elements of a plan for rebuilding a relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about getting back together with an ex. When you might consider doing that, what might be a good reason or some good reasons for thinking about that course of action, and what might be some not so good reasons that you might be considering getting back with an ex. Now, this is one of those ones that I get a lot of questions about. I have done an episode ages ago on the show around questions to ask when you're considering getting back with an ex, but it's been a while since I've addressed this topic directly, so I wanted to talk about it here to give you a bit of a sense and a bit of a roadmap in guiding that decision if that's a situation that you find yourself in where you're considering rekindling with someone that you've ended a relationship with, because I think there can be a lot of really powerful and confusing emotions at play and it can be hard to trust our own judgement. And fair enough, because, as I said, it is really confusing and emotionally dense. So I think having some guiding questions and some things to think about sometimes, to cut through the emotional noise of it all, can be really supportive when you're in that position.
[00:01:50]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I just wanted to share that I am running a sale for Valentine's Day starting today, so I'm going to be offering 50% off my higher love course and my secure together course. So these are two of my best selling programmes. Higher love is a breakup course. It's a beautiful resource if you have recently been through a relationship ending and you're really struggling to process that. It's very much a comprehensive resource and toolkit to walk you through that process, not only processing the end of the relationship and finding closure around it, but then looking forward to the next chapter and gaining real clarity and confidence around what that looks like and what you are wanting going forward in relationships so that you can avoid maybe recreating a similar pattern or dynamic in your next relationship. Secure together is a course for couples primarily, or it's a relationship focused course. So that would be a great one for you if you're in a relationship secure together, is the course that I recorded with Joel, my partner.
[00:03:00]:
So it's very much focused on anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those dynamics in a non blaming, non shaming way that will allow you to connect and understand each other more deeply. And it's a very, very comprehensive resource in that respect, covering a whole range of topics. So either of those courses can be accessed for 50% off for the next week with the code big love, all one word. So if you're interested in that, whether you've been through a breakup or you're in a relationship, hopefully there's something for everyone there as a little Valentine's Day special. Okay, so let's talk about getting back together with an ex. So, as I said in the introduction, I want to give you some good reasons and some, I don't want to say bad reasons, but kind of bad reasons, not so good reasons that you might be thinking about getting back together with an ex. Before I kind of get into the nitty gritty of those, I just want to set the scene a little and normalise and validate that. Of course, when a relationship ends, you're going to have so many mixed feelings.
[00:04:04]:
You might feel immense, overwhelming grief. You might feel really lost and disoriented, you might feel relieved, you might feel lonely, you might feel scared, you might feel a lot of uncertainty about the future. You might be feeling rejected, you might be feeling unworthy, really doubting of your lovability or your value. There's a lot in that. And I think that we maybe downplay just how emotionally overwhelming a breakup can be, given all of the things that it will often stir up within us. So if you've been through a breakup recently, and recently is relative, for some people, that might be a couple of days, others it might be months or even longer. I don't know that there's some sort of ideal timeline for processing that grief, because grief is really personal. And I just want to really normalise and validate any and all of those things that you might be feeling.
[00:05:06]:
And maybe there are lots of other things that are in there too, because it is a bit of an emotional roller coaster. And particularly if, as I know, a lot of my listeners are, if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns. I've spoken many times before on the show about how breakups can be particularly challenging for folks with anxious attachment patterns, because so much of your sense of self and purpose and so much of your energy on a day to day basis tends to be orbiting around the relationship, pouring into the other person. And particularly when a relationship is feeling really strained or challenging, and that will often be the case. Towards the end of a relationship, the amount of energy that you were putting into it was probably heightened, right? That only tends to increase as things get harder. So for you to be completely consumed with trying to salvage something, only for it to ultimately end, that's going to be very, very challenging for you. And you probably feel, in addition to all of the other things that I just shared, you might feel a real sense of failure because you might have been carrying the self imposed pressure of needing to make it work, or if only you'd done something differently, then maybe things would have been different. I think another really common scenario after a breakup is that we can have a very selective memory around what the reality of the relationship was like.
[00:06:42]:
So all of a sudden, the day to day challenges and hardships in the relationship, which were very real and very overwhelming when we were in it, those tend to be alleviated, right? Because we're not in proximity to our ex, we're not having those same fights, we're not in the pressure cooker of the relationship anymore. And so all of that tension and pressure can fall away and we're just left longing for the good stuff. And we can really have rose coloured glasses in hindsight, when we're thinking about all of the things that we miss and all of the things that we will miss going forward, I think grieving the future that we're not going to have with them can be as devastating, if not more so, than grieving the past that we shared together. So I think in the days and weeks after a breakup, we have all of these realisations of, oh, I'm not going to get to go and do that thing anymore with my partner, or that show that we watched together, who am I going to talk to about that now or that restaurant that we loved? All of the little things that can sort of get lost in the bigger picture of a relationship that's not working can all of a sudden trigger this immense grief and this real sadness and longing and sorrow. So I think that our focus tends to go to all of that stuff that we're missing, rather than all of the things that we're relieved to no longer be having to deal with, because we sort of lose sight of how hard those things really were when we're no longer being exposed to it and we're just feeling the lack of the good things. So all of that to say that if you're experiencing those things, if you've been through those waves, that's really normal and understandable and very human. And it's unfortunately just a part of the process of a breakup, because a breakup really is an unravelling of all of that, of our attachment to someone. And even if it doesn't really make sense, I often get people saying, why am I so upset about a relationship ending that was clearly dysfunctional and I was sad and stressed all the time in the relationship.
[00:08:58]:
So why do I feel even worse now that it's ended? And it's so important to understand that this stuff isn't really rational. It's emotional, it's biological, it's our attachment system. And so even if a relationship was unhealthy, you had an attachment to that person. And with that person and untangling, that takes some time and will feel really uncomfortable. So I just wanted to start by recognising the realness of all of that, rather than just going straight into nice and easy questions and tips and pitfalls that maybe recognise or honour the emotional mess of a breakup. Because I think we've probably all been there and we know that it's way easier said than done, that it's simple but not easy, and that what might be obvious from the outside is really, really hard when you're on the inside. So with all of that being said, if you are in this situation of you've been through a breakup and you're contemplating getting back with your ex, whether that's because they've reached out or you want to reach out or you've been having discussions and it's on the cards that you might get back together and try again. Obviously, be discerning, apply this to your situation to the extent that it applies to your situation.
[00:10:17]:
But I want to start with some reasons why you might not want to make that decision. What we might call bad reasons to consider getting back with an ex. And I think that the first one is just that you miss them absent anything else. Right. If it is just an emotional pull and a yearning and a longing and a sadness, missing them, feeling really deep in the grief of the breakup, I do not think that that alone is enough or is a good justification for getting back together. Because, as I've just spent some time explaining, all of that's completely normal and will typically be present, even if the relationship was really unhealthy and probably needed to end. But I think that so many people fall into this trap of thinking, like, if this was the right thing, I wouldn't feel so bad. I wouldn't miss them so much.
[00:11:19]:
I wouldn't be feeling the absolute heavy weight of grief about this ending. And I'm so uncomfortable with that grief, I don't really know what to do with it. So how do I just backpedal and reverse this and go back to the comfort zone of the relationship, the familiarity of that, even if it's a better the devil you know kind of situation. A lot of people do that. They just can't cope with the feeling of disorientation and loss that comes with a breakup, and so they scramble back. And the reason why that's a bad reason to get back together, apart from the fact that you will always feel that after a breakup, is that none of the issues that led to the relationship breaking down are going to have been resolved in that scenario. And it's typically based on misguided optimism in this sense of, oh, but we love each other so much, and now we are able to see clearly how much we love and miss each other, so let's just try again. And while love and a realisation of how much you value each other is necessary, I don't think it's sufficient.
[00:12:28]:
And so just missing each other without more is not a good reason to think about getting back together. Okay. Another not so great reason for wanting to get back with your ex is a fear of being alone or ending up alone. Or maybe you've been broken up for a few months and you've started dating again and you find yourself a little disheartened by the reality of the dating pool and the whole dating experience. So I think, again, this happens a lot. I hear from people a lot in this situation of once they put themselves back out there, or maybe they're just grappling with the reality of starting from scratch and being single all of a sudden. The things that felt really hard and challenging and dissatisfying about their relationship pale by comparison when thinking about having to reenter single life, which for some people, reentering single life is a really exciting prospect for a lot of people. I know that it isn't, particularly with the realities of online dating and how exasperating and demoralising even that process can be.
[00:13:32]:
So I think that often there can be this sense of the dread of approaching dating, or maybe you've been on dates, as I said, and it's been a little lacklustre, and then you start to go, oh, maybe my ex wasn't so bad, or maybe my previous relationship wasn't so bad. Maybe I can kind of slink back there with my tail between my legs and maybe all of my unmet needs or all of the things that bothered me there, I can just kind of suck it up and get over it, because at least it was comfortable and at least we loved each other. And that feels a lot better than the void that I'm swirling around in at the moment. Now, again, very human, very understandable, very natural. You're not pathetic or crazy or desperate to be contemplating getting back together on that basis. And I think we can also recognise that a sense of scarcity and loneliness is probably not the ideal foundation for thinking about rekindling and rebuilding a relationship that ended because it wasn't working. So I think that if that's the main driver for you, that sense of fear and loneliness and worry, that there's not something better out there. So I should just settle for a relationship that I wasn't happy in because I'm worried that that's the best I'm ever going to get.
[00:14:49]:
I don't think that that's fair to you or fair to your ex, frankly, because it's not really what you want. It's just maybe what you think is possible for you because you're feeling a little wobly in your confidence as you re approach dating. Okay, the next not so great reason to get back together with someone. And this is kind of specific to a certain dynamic and scenario that I get a lot of questions about. Again, if you were in a classic anxious avoidant kind of dynamic, and your partner kind of freaked out, had some fear come up and pulled away and withdrew and maybe said, I'm not ready for a relationship, or I don't think this is working, or maybe this isn't the right fit, they had some of those reservations come up and they ended the relationship on that basis and you were really devastated by that because that's not what you wanted, and then some weeks or months later, they pop their head up again and kind of act like nothing happened and try and reopen the connection without any recognition of what went on or why or what's going to be different this time, how they've processed whatever fears or resistance drove them to that behaviour in the first place. If it's a kind of, can we just sweep it under the rug and start again? Because I miss you, or anything in that vein, I would really, really counsel you against it because as we'll come to in a moment when we start talking about some good reasons to get back together, having real clarity around what went wrong and why and why it's not going to happen again is absolutely essential. And in the absence of that, if someone's not really taking ownership of what happened, and again, it's not about fault or blame, it's not saying like, you did this, so you have to make it right in a finger pointing kind of way. But it is just recognising that something happened there and that was really painful for you.
[00:16:45]:
I know that for people who are in that situation where someone is having second thoughts and kind of has 1ft out the door and maybe you've broken up several times and then gotten back together, then broken up, then gotten back together. Continuing to play out that pattern establishes such an imbalanced power dynamic in the relationship whereby the person who didn't want the relationship to end and who wants to believe that it's going to be different this time, they tend to get smaller and smaller and smaller every time you come back together. Right? So if you're in that situation and your partner is coming back and wanting to try things again, but you're not really convinced that there is that self awareness and self responsibility around what was going on and how they plan to address that within themselves and relationally, then I think that it's, again, kind of misguided optimism that's coming from a place of hopefulness and yearning, but maybe is not really being kind to ourselves and being honest with ourselves about whether things are likely to really be what we need them to be in order for the relationship to work. And I think that when you've been in a dynamic where someone keeps pulling away and keeps getting scared and keeps running, then you become so hyper aware of that possibility that you become very small and you become very inclined to tiptoe around everything and walk on eggshells and not want to do anything that might tip them over the edge, that might scare them away, that might push them to the brink. And so you stop voicing needs and you try and be low maintenance. And as I said, it establishes a pretty imbalanced power dynamic in a lot of cases. So be really mindful of that as a possibility if that's a scenario that you're confronting. And as I said, I know that's a little bit more specific, but it's common enough that I get questions about it all the time.
[00:18:46]:
Okay, so let's pivot now to a couple of better reasons that you might want to think about getting back with an ex. Or maybe you relate to some of the reasons that I've shared that are not so great reasons and you want to put yourself in a better position to try rekindling. And these that I'm about to share will hopefully at least give you some guidance on what to aim for as part of that process, rather than just going in blind with hope and optimism but lacking a plan. So I think it is always a really good idea when you're thinking about getting back together with an ex that you have had very clear conversations around how each of you contributed to the patterns that existed in the relationship generally that weren't working, why the relationship ended, what caused the relationship to break down again with real clarity around how you each contributed to that and how it affected the other. What unmet needs were there in the relationship? Because in most cases there is some sense of we're not feeling satisfied here. And so many of the negative cycles that exist in relationships arise from unmet needs and conditions of not feeling valued, seen, understood. And so being able to talk about all of this stuff is absolutely essential if you're having conversations around getting back together and even trying to broach these topics is leading you into spiralling arguments. That's a bit of a red flag to suggest that maybe we are still lacking in the tools, the emotional safety, the awareness to be able to do the work that it would require for us to get back together in a way that's likely to be effective.
[00:20:26]:
So getting really honest with yourself around, like, okay, have we kind of done the work here? Do we know what led us to where we are? And an important additional step? Because I think a lot of people can fall into this trap of just having conversations that go round and round and round and we talk about it to death, and then we sort of burn out, fizzle out before we actually come up with a plan. So we don't walk away from the conversation with like, okay, so what's the action that comes from all of this talking that we've done? So being able to figure out, like, okay, why are things going to be different? Not just because we have awareness now that we didn't have awareness of before, because awareness is great and it's necessary, but again, it's probably not sufficient. You do need to go, okay, what are our commitments to each other? How are we going to make sure that this doesn't happen again? How are we going to proactively nurture our relationship so that we can address these things as and when they arise or even prevent them from arising, rather than letting stress get the better of us, letting ourselves fall back into old patterns. Because again, you can rest assured that if you're going in blind without a plan, you'll have the euphoria of being back together and it'll feel great for a bit, and then you'll just slip right back into where you were. And maybe with the added stress and hurt of feeling overwhelmed that you've landed back there when that wasn't what you wanted. So recognise that these patterns are really powerful and you're going to need to come up with a plan that you're both really on the same page around and you're feeling really collaborative and like minded in the way that you're wanting to approach it. That's going to really stand you in good stead to make sure that the relationship is different, because it is going to need to be different, otherwise it's going to end the same way. Okay?
[00:22:16]:
And as a last but related point, I think if you've taken a good amount of time apart, so maybe you've been broken up for six months, a year or longer, and you've lived a bit of life in between, and you've come back into contact somehow and you've reconnected and it feels good and you both have done a lot of growing in that time. You've sorted your shit out, to put it fontly, or at least you've done a lot of work in the direction of growing and getting to know yourself, and you're both open to trying something. And again, having, as I just talked about, a level of clarity around what you're both looking for, your values, your readiness for commitment, all of those things, and it does feel really aligned, then. That might be a scenario where it's.
[00:23:08]:
Like, okay, let's give it a crack. And maybe, as I said, with the benefit of time and space apart, a good amount of time and space apart, you might not have the emotional charge that comes with trying to get back together soon after breaking up. You might have a bit more distance from those patterns that could have existed in a previous iteration of your relationship. So it almost feels like in that scenario, you're starting from scratch with a new person, or at least with some sort of blank slate that allows you to come to it with really fresh eyes and not carrying all of the legacy baggage and wounding of a recent dysfunctional version of the relationship, because that's going to be very powerful in shaping the way that you relate to each other. So if you have had a bit more time and space apart and circumstances have changed, or maybe you broke up because you were long distance and now you're living in the same place or things like that, that kind of change the parameters, and it now feels aligned in a way that it didn't previously, then that might be a reason that you would explore rekindling or having another go. Okay, so I hope that that's been helpful for you. If you are someone who's been through a breakup recently and you've been toying with the idea of giving it another go or some other version of that scenario where it's on the cards that you could be rekindling with an ex, maybe they've popped their head up and you're wondering what you should do next. I hope that this has given you a lot of validation for how hard that is and a bit of a steer on some questions that you can ask yourself in reflecting and making that decision, because it is a big decision and it's one where we really want to be self responsible and honest and taking good care of ourselves while also obviously doing whatever we need to do and whatever we feel called to do in the relational field.
[00:25:01]:
So, as I said, I really hope that it's been supportive for you and a reminder that you can save 50% off my higher love breakup course or my secure together relationship course, anxious, avoidant couples course with the code big love, all one word. So thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. Close.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, guidance, insecurity, breakup, rekindling, emotional, grief, closure, anxious, avoidant, dynamics, self-imposed pressure, selective memory, unmet needs, emotional roller coaster, dating, commitment, values, clarity, personal growth, validation, resilience, decision-making, self-awareness, emotional safety, power dynamic, wounding, long-distance, reflection, support
The Pillars of a Positive Relationship with Self
In today's episode, I'm sharing four pillars of a healthy relationship with self, that go beyond "self-love". These are more concrete, actionable focus areas that you can explore as you build a stronger and more resilient sense of self, and in so doing, reap the rewards in your relationship with others. We'll cover:
In today's episode, I'm sharing four pillars of a healthy relationship with self, that go beyond "self-love". These are more concrete, actionable focus areas that you can explore as you build a stronger and more resilient sense of self, and in so doing, reap the rewards in your relationship with others.
We'll cover:
Self-compassion
Self-care
Self-respect
Self-trust
The Four Pillars of a Healthy Relationship with Yourself
If someone asked you to define self-love, what would your answer be? For many, it's an elusive concept often associated with unattainable standards and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy. However, it doesn't have to be this way. In the latest episode of On Attachment, the focus was on the pillars of a healthy relationship with oneself. Let's break down the four pillars that serve as the foundation for a healthy, thriving relationship with self.
1. Self-Compassion: A Road to Understanding
Unpacking the first pillar, self-compassion, reveals a shift in perspective from self-blame to self-understanding. It's about embracing self-compassion, not as an excuse for irresponsible behaviour, but as a step towards acknowledging, accepting, and holding space for oneself. This practice of turning towards oneself with curiosity effectively replaces the futile cycle of self-criticism with a compassionate and questioning mindset. Self-compassion is the antidote to the toxicity of expecting immediate fixes for our emotional struggles. It's the first step in the journey towards self-awareness, and, consequently, the gateway to more nurturing, grounded relationships with both self and others.
2. Self-Care: Attuning to Your Needs
The label "self-care" has been over-embellished, often associated with superficial acts of relaxation. However, it's imperative to dive deeper into its true meaning – the practice of listening to the needs and rhythms of our bodies, minds, and souls. This goes beyond the stereotypical image of pampering oneself with luxurious treats, extending to genuine attunement to our internal landscapes. It involves a conscious effort to pause, question, and respond to the signals and feedback emanating from within us. By effectively addressing our needs and capacity, we give ourselves the crucial gift of increased self-awareness and, in turn, self-trust.
3. Self-Respect: Cultivating a Foundation of Values
Self-respect is often overshadowed by the quest for self-love, yet it stands as a fundamental building block for a healthy relationship with ourselves. Deficient self-respect often manifests as an uncertainty about personal values, leading to a reliance on external validation. Cultivating self-respect entails understanding individual values, identifying discrepancies between actions and values, and making conscious efforts to realign them. Embracing self-discipline is integral in this process, and it further strengthens self-respect. The imposition of self-discipline is not a means of punishment, but rather a means of personal growth and resonance with one's core values.
4. Self-Trust: Navigating Life's Uncertainties with Conviction
Finally, self-trust is the cornerstone of the internal environment that fosters resilience and courage. It's about trusting in our ability to navigate through life's uncertainties, regardless of their outcomes. This is not about guaranteeing the success of every endeavour, but rather about acknowledging the strength and resources within ourselves to handle whatever life throws at us. By confidently embracing the unknown, self-trust enables us to commit to our values and aspirations, instilling a deep sense of peace and freedom from fear and anxiety.
In the grand scheme of things, building a solid relationship with oneself is a work in progress and is achieved through small, conscious steps towards nurturing self-awareness, compassion, respect, and trust. These pillars intertwine and amplify each other, leading to a profound internal transformation. As old patterns dissolve and new, healthier habits emerge, the journey towards a more substantial, enriching relationship with oneself manifests as a tangible reality. The beauty of this journey lies in the promise of resilience, courage, and an unwavering sense of peace, ultimately paving the way for more meaningful and fulfilling relationships with others.
In conclusion, these pillars serve not only as a formidable guide to building a stronger relationship with oneself, but also as a stepping stone to fostering balanced and fulfilling connections with others. It’s a journey that transcends the notion of self-love as an unattainable destination, and, instead, encapsulates a holistic and nuanced approach to self-care and personal development. As we navigate the complexities of our internal landscapes with compassion, care, respect, and trust, we pave the way towards a life enriched with contentment, resilience, and enduring connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
What patterns of seeking external validation have you noticed in your life? How has this impacted your relationship with yourself and others?
How do you approach self-compassion in times of struggle? Are there specific ways you can cultivate more self-compassion in your daily life?
In what ways do you currently practice self-care, and how do you feel about the term "self-care"? Do you think the concept has become overly commercialized, or do you find value in it?
Reflect on a recent decision you made based on your values. How did this decision impact your sense of self-respect and self-trust?
Think about a specific challenge or discomfort you've faced recently. How did you respond to it, and how do you think this reflects on your self-trust and resilience?
Have you ever felt pressure to conform to certain expectations to gain approval or validation from others? How has this impacted your self-respect and integrity?
What changes can you make in your daily life to tune into your body's needs and rhythms? How do you think this would influence your relationship with yourself and your overall well-being?
Consider a situation in your life where you've struggled with self-discipline. What might be the underlying reasons for this struggle, and how does it relate to your self-respect and self-trust?
Reflect on a time when you felt a deep sense of self-trust. What were the circumstances, and how did this impact your decision-making and overall well-being?
Think about a recent experience where you felt a strong sense of resilience. How did this experience influence your self-trust and your perception of your ability to navigate life's uncertainties?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about building a healthy relationship with yourself and more specifically, what some of the pillars of a healthy relationship to self are. Now, I've spoken many times on the podcast and elsewhere. If you've been following my work for a while about this idea of self love that is touted in a lot of personal development, content and circles, and how for me, at least personally, that kind of content has never really resonated. I think at various times in my life I've tried to pretend that it resonates and I've gotten kind of anthemic about self love and those nice little quotes and snippets that we might see, but it's never really resonated with me on a deep level because, let's face it, self love, particularly if you treat that as a destination that you're meant to reach a feeling that you're just meant to have. For a lot of us who've struggled with various forms and expressions of insecurity or low self esteem, just a wobbly kind of relationship with yourself and with others, feeling like self love is the destination that we're all meant to be striving towards and ultimately reaching, that can feel like a really big mountain to climb.
[00:01:58]:
And especially so if you've been told the story that self love is a prerequisite to you having a healthy relationship or being happy, living a life that you can be proud of and enjoy. I think if you're waiting for all of that to happen until you reach this nirvana place of self love, then that can feel pretty ironically, it can feel quite defeating and demoralising because that can feel really far away for a lot of people. And certainly for me, even now, I think I have a pretty healthy relationship with myself. I don't know that self love as some sort of destination. It doesn't really feel like a label that fits or that really means much to me. And so all of that being said, and you may have heard me say this before, my personal preference is to focus on some other pillars of self, things that are a bit more tangible and a little bit more specific, a little less abstract, and that are more readily translated into actions and practises that we can weave into our everyday in a way that we, bit by bit, we lay down the bricks and we build this foundation of a really solid relationship with ourselves that doesn't have to be self love as this big, all consuming feeling, but rather is based on just kind of a healthy, integrated, realistic relationship with ourself, that then, I think, allows us to approach relationships with others, whether romantic or otherwise, from a place of integrity and self confidence and self esteem and resilience, which I think should really be the goal for most of us. So in today's episode, I'm going to share four of those pillars of self. And this is inspired by or borrowed from the secure self challenge that I'm running, which starts in less than a week.
[00:04:03]:
So if you're listening to this around the time that it's released, there's still time to join us. It's a 28 day challenge and the four pillars that I'm going to talk about today line up with the four weekly themes that we're going to be diving deep into throughout the challenge. So if you're interested in exploring what I'm talking about today in the format of a challenge, which will have a weekly lesson and then a weekly practise or homework challenge, along with an online community, accountability, a couple of live calls with me, one of which is next week, and having that group experience, I would really love to see you inside the secure self, all of which is linked in the show notes or you can find it on my website. And this will be the last opportunity to join because as I said, we kick off next Monday, I believe. Okay, so let's talk about what it takes to build a healthy relationship with yourself. I want to start by giving you a permission slip, which kind of runs counter to everything that I'm going to say subsequent to this in the episode. And that is that if you are in this place of feeling really rubbish about yourself, feeling like your self esteem is in tatters, and maybe you've been trying therapy and podcasts and courses and books and everything, desperately searching for answers and solutions and fixes for why you feel the way you feel. Sometimes the answer isn't more searching.
[00:05:35]:
Sometimes the answer isn't continuing to seek the one thing that's going to provide you with the explanation that makes it all make sense, that then provides you with the roadmaps that will give you the solution or the remedy that liberates you from feeling the way that you've been feeling. Sometimes the solution is actually in just taking a break from all of that seeking and searching, because. And we'll come to this in a moment when we talk about self compassion. I think that depending on the mindset that you're in, when you come to any kind of self help, personal development, growth, work, it can either be really, really fruitful and a beautiful gift that you give to yourself, or it can reinforce all of the feelings of defectiveness and shame and brokenness and wrongness that you've been lugging around and that have led you to feel the way that you're feeling. So I think it's important to practise discernment and to get really honest around. Is consuming all of this stuff feeling supportive for me at the moment, or am I kind of frantically clutching at straws from this place of urgency and panic and needing to fix myself? And is that actually helping? Or is that making me feel even more defeated and hopeless and convinced that there's something fundamentally wrong with me? So sometimes when we recognise that it's actually not helping, and sometimes we need to not take it all so seriously and maybe just step away from it and maybe do something different. Give ourselves the time and the space to just be and to accept the process that we're in and the season that we're in, without scrambling desperately to get away from it all. Sometimes there's real peace in that, letting go and realising that we don't need to treat ourselves as a problem to be solved.
[00:07:40]:
And actually that doing so can make things worse rather than better. So that feeds nicely into the first pillar of self that I want to talk about, which is self compassion. Again, this is something that I've spoken at great length about, not only on the podcast, but in pretty much all of my programmes, because it's completely essential in my mind, to the effectiveness of any of this work, that we are turning towards ourselves with self compassion and curiosity, rather than blaming ourselves, shaming ourselves, having a rigid mindset that tells us that we need to urgently fix and change something. So self compassion is not about coddling ourselves. And I think that's a really important distinction, because some people might have an aversion to the idea of self compassion on the basis of it seeming like we're just removing any accountability or self responsibility. We're giving ourselves a bit of a free pass to behave however we want to, because we're in pain or we're hurt. And I think particularly people can struggle with this in the context of giving compassion to others, of approaching others with compassion and curiosity. When you've been hurt by them.
[00:08:56]:
But it's so important to understand that the compassion is not mutually exclusive with responsibility, and certainly not in the way that I'm talking about it or the way that I teach it. I think that balancing self compassion with self responsibility is paramount and a really important part of actually making change. But I think as a first step, we need to, rather than spinning around in the stories of why am I like this? What's wrong with me? Why is it so easy for everyone else and so hard for me actually going, okay, what's this really about for me? Why does this thing feel scary? Where does that come from? And approaching ourselves with the starting assumption that our experience makes sense, because all of our experiences, all of our patterns, all of our fears, they don't just spontaneously arise in a vacuum. They are the sum of our experiences. And I think when we really realise that and appreciate that, we can see that it's really a matter of cause and effect, rather than something very opaque and mysterious and dumbfounding that doesn't make any sense and that we need to just try and eradicate. And the more that we can have this mindset and perspective of seeking to understand ourselves from a place of curiosity and from this starting assumption that everything we're struggling with probably makes sense on one level or another, then we can start to actually befriend those parts of ourselves that are afraid or that have these patterns or that drive us to behaviours that we maybe don't like. And we can go, okay, what purpose is this serving? How is it trying to keep me safe? And what do I need? What else could I do? Maybe to offer myself a sense of safety or a sense of security or a sense of whatever else I'm needing, such that this extreme behaviour or this extreme emotional response doesn't feel so needed anymore. So when we start to kind of zoom out and look at those things in a more spacious way, rather than with this clinging, gripping, rigid, fear based mentality of needing to solve our uncomfortable experiences and emotions, then all of a sudden a lot of space is freed up for us to actually start shifting things, but on a foundation of kind of a collaborative, internal relationship between us and all of those different parts and pieces that we are comprised of.
[00:11:31]:
So self compassion is absolutely essential to any of this work. And the more that you try and solve your anxiety or solve your fear, in the sense of making it go away and making yourself wrong for feeling it, I promise you that it won't work and that it will actually make things worse. And as a side note, the more we do that to ourselves, the more we can offer that to ourselves, the less likely we are to project those same harsh, rigid standards onto other people of perfectionism, of, well, you should just be better or do better or try harder and not having a lot of time or patience for the things that people are struggling with. So I think there's a really positive ripple effect there. Okay, the next pillar of a healthy relationship with self, which is the second week of the secure self challenge that I'm going to be running, is around self care. Now, I know that when a lot of you hear self care, you might have a bit of an eye roll around. I think that self care has been so commoditized in the past decade, probably, and it feels like the domain of glossy magazines and highly produced Instagram content, of having a towel wrapped around your head and like a lovely face mask and a bubble bath and all of the things. But while I'm all for a lovely bubble bath, it's not really what I'm talking about here.
[00:13:10]:
What I'm really talking about is how attuned and responsive are you to the rhythms and the needs and the capacity of your body and your being? That sounds a little bit esoteric. Let me expand. I think that once upon a time, when I was living a very different life to how I live now, I pretty much just pushed through all the time. So if I was tired, I would have more coffee. If I had a headache, I would take painkillers and keep pushing. If I had a cold, I would again just take something to dull the symptoms so that I could plough on with whatever I was doing. Because all of those things in my body were inconvenient and were getting in the way of my agenda, which was just to do what I had to do. When I look back on that now, I can see how disconnected I was from my body and the needs of my body and the rhythms of my body, and how detrimental that was ultimately, because it also meant that I was disconnected from the emotions of my body and to what I was just talking about around self compassion.
[00:14:31]:
When we treat all of those signals and feedback that we're getting from our body as kind of inconvenient and getting in the way of what we would prefer or desire or what we want to do, and we just try and make it all go away, stuff it down, that tends not to work, and it tends to really come back to bite us with a vengeance. So when I'm talking about self care here, it's really, can I become more attuned to myself. I think even the fact that this might sound kind of woo woo and esoteric to many of you speaks to how deeply disconnected we are collectively from our bodies, that we all kind of walk around on autopilot in this mode of busyness and to do lists and hustle, and how that really reliably leads us to feel burnt out and not only disconnected from ourselves, but disconnected from other people, chronically tired, chronically sick. And I think that it's really hard to have a positive relationship with yourself when you are living like that. So I think that the more that we can consciously train ourselves to cheque in on what do I need? How am I feeling? What is my capacity? How can I resource myself today to feel more grounded, more present, more energised? Do I need to take things slower or do I have more energy? Do I need to move my body? All of these things that when we, as I said, train ourselves to attune to that and turn towards that and cheque in with ourselves regularly, then that really feeds into this broader relationship of self awareness. And we then kind of indirectly build more self trust because we know that we're a really good caretaker of ourselves. Whereas when we ignore all of that and we just plough through and we bulldoze and we push on and we hustle, then we don't have much of a relationship of self trust because we know that we're not very responsible carers. Right? In the same way as if you were responsible for caring for someone else and you consistently ignored the signals and needs that they had, and it was making them chronically sick, tired and burnt out, then they probably wouldn't rely on you as someone who was going to be responsive and attuned to them in a way that cultivated trust and safety.
[00:17:13]:
So recognising that you have that same responsibility to yourself to build up that relationship and that it reaps so many rewards beyond just feeling better. It's not just about having a picture perfect kind of self care routine. That's again, not what I'm talking about. It's just this moment to moment practise of pausing and tuning in and going, how am I feeling? What do I need? So, self care as a practise of turning towards ourselves and becoming more present to what is here today and how we can bring more nourishment and groundedness to that is a really, really valuable practise in nurturing your overall relationship with yourself. Okay, so the third pillar of self that I want to speak about is self respect. And I am really bullish on self respect as a fundamental building block of an overall healthy relationship with self. So this is particularly one that I think, if the self love stuff doesn't land for you, focus on self respect. If you want to build self worth, focus on self respect.
[00:18:19]:
I say this as someone who, for many, many years, and I only realised this in hindsight, I had a pretty shocking relationship of self respect. And what this looked like for me was I didn't really know what my values were. I didn't really like myself very much. I relied a lot on external validation and wanting to be liked, wanting people to see me in a certain way. And so I just acted in ways and did things that, for whatever reason, gave me some hit of feeling temporarily good about myself, but very often left me with this residue of anxiety or discomfort, or just not feeling good about how I was acting, who I was being. And I think there was no internal foundation of knowing who I was or knowing what my values were. And that really easily and reliably led me off track and led me astray. And I really suffered as a result of that because I really didn't like myself.
[00:19:24]:
And I can see now, in hindsight, how clearly that came from a lack of self respect. So I believe deeply that building your self respect is one of the best things that you can do. And arguably, if you take nothing else away from this episode, think about self respect. Think about, do I have self respect? Or if I don't, why not? What leads me to feel a lack of self respect? Because I think that that's really deeply important. And it's something that, while we may not think about it very much, I think a lot of people, if they were to reflect and introspect on it, they'd probably find that, yeah, that is a missing piece in my relationship with myself, as I don't have a lot of self respect. So how do we go about building that? I've spoken about this as well before, I think getting really clear on your values and then doing a bit of an audit, going, okay, where am I not stacking up? Where am I out of alignment and trying to close the gap? There is a really useful and kind of practical first step. I also think that challenging yourself, so self discipline, I think, is closely related to self respect. It's almost like a sub bullet underneath self respect.
[00:20:43]:
Following through on the things that you say you're going to do and actually challenging yourself, doing hard things, rather than staying in a very small comfort zone and listening to those stories that tell you that you can't do certain things or that that's too hard, or I'm not that kind of person, really push those stories and go, if that's the kind of person I want to be, then what's stopping me? And if it's just a matter of you showing up and doing something hard and continuing to show up and maybe being bad at something to begin with, but then getting better, I don't think there's many more powerful ways to build self respect than through self discipline. And again, that's something that has been relatively new to my life. I don't think I've always been self disciplined, but certainly in the last five years or so, that's something that I've really embraced and that I now see as such a gift to myself rather than some punishment that I'm imposing upon myself. So learn to embrace hard things. Learn to embrace challenge and growth through challenge and discomfort, and self respect will flow as a natural consequence from that. And I think you'll really notice a shift in your overall relationship with yourself. Okay, last but not least is self trust. So again, I could easily talk for a very long time about self trust or any of these other pillars, but just to give you a bit of a feel, why is self trust so important to our relationship with ourself? I think in the absence of self trust, it's very, very hard to not only trust in others, but I would argue, more importantly, it's very hard to trust in our own resilience.
[00:22:27]:
And for me, this is really the kernel of self trust that is the most rewarding is. And again, I'll speak from personal experience. I think in cultivating a relationship of self trust within myself, I feel a level of peace around whatever might happen in my life. That's a big statement, but it's one that I do attribute to having a pretty solid foundation of self trust. It's this sense of, I know that a lot of things aren't within my control, but I trust in my ability to navigate what life throws at me. And so I can be decisive and I can back myself and I can take steps in the direction of what I value, what I hope for, what is important to me, while also surrendering to the unknown and the uncertainty and knowing that a lot of stuff is not guaranteed. I can't guarantee that my relationship is going to work out. I can't guarantee that anything in my work or my business is going to go the way that I would hope or plan.
[00:23:34]:
But all of that being said, and being true. I also trust that if and when something unexpected or something disappointing or something challenging arises, that I will have the tools and the resources and the support to deal with it. And so I think that having that kind of internal environment makes you not only more courageous, but far more resilient and much more at peace. Because you're not living in constant fear or anticipation of everything bad that could happen, and trying desperately and wasting so much energy trying to prevent something bad from happening. Because I think a lot of us, particularly those who struggle with anxiety, do just end up spinning your wheels and expending so much energy on playing out every possible worst case scenario and then reverse engineering to try and prevent that from ever happening, to this point where your whole life becomes about the thing that you don't want, rather than pursuing the things that you do want with presence and optimism. And I think, again, all of these pillars of self that I've spoken about in today's episode, I think they feed off each other and they reinforce each other. So the more self respect you build, the more self trust you'll have, the more you have a really caring and attuned relationship with yourself, the more self trust you'll have. And the more self trust you have, the more you're going to do those other things as well, because they all fit together really neatly, like puzzle pieces.
[00:25:09]:
And as you start to change the internal environment in one way, some of those older patterns around hustle and burnout, and ignoring boundaries and approval seeking, and people pleasing and doing things that aren't comfortable for you just to make everyone else happy, those behaviours stop feeling compatible with the new internal environment that you're building. And so you get this sort of full system upgrade as you start sowing the seeds of a healthier relationship with self, some of those old behaviours that have felt like a fit in your current inner world may naturally just fall away as they stop being a match for where you're at and the kind of relationship that you're really cultivating with yourself. So I hope that this has been helpful in, I suppose, broadening out the lens if you've ever felt a little discouraged by self love advice, or even you've heard about the importance of building self worth, but you haven't really known where to start or what that means or what that looks like. Hopefully breaking it down a level further into these subcategories or these pillars starts to crystallise what you can do. And as I said, I like these pillars because I think they do translate more tangibly into day to day practises and things that we can be consciously choosing. Kind of putting runs on the board every day. And it doesn't have to be big, dramatic things. It's just one step at a time, one day at a time.
[00:26:47]:
But with the passage of time, you can look back and realise that you've made really profound changes in the direction of who you want to be and how you want to live your life. And that is very rewarding work. So I hope that this has been helpful. As I said, if you've enjoyed today's episode and you want to join us in the secure self challenge where we dive into each of these themes over four weeks, I would love to see you in there. You've got about five days left to join before we kick off next week with our opening call. I'd love to see you there, but otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:27:28]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of on attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, self love, insecurity, self esteem, self compassion, self care, self responsibility, self discipline, self trust, resilience, personal development, growth, self awareness, self worth, values, internal environment, boundaries, approval seeking, people pleasing, authenticity, community, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, healthy relationship, thriving relationships, secure self challenge, online community, live calls
Building Self-Worth & a Secure Dating Mindset with Dr. Morgan Anderson
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In our conversation, we cover:
how insecure attachment styles fuel unhealthy dating patterns
how low self-worth and a lack of self-trust impact our dating mindset
common shifts that occur as you rewire old patterns and move towards secure attachment
practical tools and tips for shifting your dating mindset and building a secure dating persona
To connect with Dr. Morgan:
Listen to her podcast: Let's Get Vulnerable
Find her on Instagram: @drmorgancoaching
Visit her website: drmorgancoaching.com
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your past experiences or attachment patterns influence your approach to dating and relationships?
What are some negative beliefs about yourself that may be impacting your self-worth in relationships?
Can you identify any adaptive coping mechanisms or protective strategies that stem from past relational trauma? How do they affect your current relationships?
How might self-compassion play a role in healing your wounds and developing a healthier approach to dating?
In what ways can you broaden your perspective on self-worth beyond the context of relationships? What activities or interests bring value and fulfillment to your life outside of romance?
Have you experienced a corrective emotional experience in your relationships that positively impacted your attachment style? If not, how might you seek out such experiences?
What are some intentional ways you can maintain a sense of self and pursue your individual interests while dating or in a relationship?
Have you noticed any urgency in your approach to relationships? If so, how might slowing down and reorienting yourself lead to more informed choices and healthier dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we are talking all about building self worth and a secure identity in the context of dating, which I know is something that a lot of listeners are going to be really, really interested to hear about. Dr. Morgan is a licenced clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach and author of the relationship self help book Love Magnet. She's also the host of the let's get Vulnerable podcast and the creator of the empowered, secure loved relationship programme. Our conversation covers a lot of ground from why we get stuck in the same patterns, why we find ourselves going after unavailable people, why we would want to do the work, to rewire all of that. What that work actually looks like some really practical steps that you could start taking towards building a more secure identity and actually creating the kind of relationship that you want and enjoying yourself in the process. So I'm sure that you guys are going to love this conversation and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you. Dr. Morgan, thank you so much for joining me.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:36]:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited about our conversation.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:40]:
Yeah, likewise. So maybe we could start by you just introducing yourself and giving everyone a bit of a feel for what you do and the kinds of people that you usually help in your work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:54]:
Yes, I am Dr. Morgan Anderson. I am the host of the let's get vulnerable podcast and I help women heal and have high self worth so that they can attract the relationships they my, I call it like my former life. I was a clinical psychologist, I still am a clinical psychologist. And then I saw how big of a gap there was in terms of attachment theory and people knowing about attachment theory and how to apply it to their dating lives. And I started this coaching business about four years ago and now have had the pleasure of coaching over 500 women and helping them become more securely attached and step into their high self worth version of themselves. So it's been a wild ride the last four years and I love what I do. And of course, as you know, Stephanie, for a lot of us who are drawn to this field, this really was a calling for me because it was my own personal struggle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:09]:
To say, is there that thread of personal story that led you to really knowing how deeply this was needed and having walked that path yourself?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:03:19]:
Yes. Isn't that the case for those of us that really run with this? It starts with the personal story, and that was certainly the case for me of experiencing childhood trauma that then led me to really painful dating patterns all through my twenty s. And then I tell people that my rock bottom moment really was when I was dating a narcissist. And that relationship just got to a very unhealthy place, and I was kind of at that fork in the road of, I can keep doing this, but I know I am causing so much damage to myself and every relationship I go through is just getting more and more painful. So at that rock bottom place, I decided I need to heal, and I really threw myself into researching attachment theory and ways to rewire your belief system. I'm really happy to say I'm three years into a wonderful, healthy, securely attached partnership, and I think if it's possible for me, it's really possible for anyone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:30]:
Yeah, it sounds like there are some common threads in our respective stories there, because I had a similar experience of when I was younger, my first two long term relationships were, I think, just probably by pure luck, were quite healthy. But then I had this relationship in my mid 20s, which was really not healthy at all. Very dysfunctional, like very classic anxious, avoidant, every expression of that dynamic. And it was really only through that experience, as stressful as it was. And I look back and it's quite amazing to me that I persisted in it because I stayed in it for three years. Amazing to me that I persisted through so much dysfunction and so much just like, striving and pushing all the time, every day. But I really don't regret it at all because it was that that pushed me to the bring. And in a funny sort of way, I can look back now and see that the patterns that really came to the fore in that relationship were sort of latent in me in those earlier relationships, but they sort of weren't brought out as much because the relationship was more secure.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:44]:
But it was only in really seeing those parts of myself that were exacerbated through that dynamic that I was able to then go, okay, this needs my attention. As much as it has a nice story to tell myself that it's all his fault because he's just a bad guy. There's a part of me that's getting something out of this because I didn't just walk away at the start right. There were all of the signs there. And I, for some reason, was attracted to that challenge. And so I think that having those experiences, it's not like we need to go and seek out awful relationships for the sake of growth. But I think when we can look back and go, okay, there's something in this that's more than just, oh, I just attract all the bad guys. It's like, well, what is it within me that is attracted to that? That really gives us a lot of fertile ground for growth and self exploration and healing if we're brave enough to do that work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:06:42]:
Oh, so powerful for you to share that. It makes me think about the concept repetition compulsion, which, you know, where we are in our adult relationships, repeating unfinished business from our childhoods. And yes, there are those relationships like the one you described, where it is your unfinished business just staring at you. You can't avoid it. And you see those wounds that have never been examined or never been healed. And yes, it is an opportunity to do that deeper work so that we can then intentionally go into our future relationships. So it's a very empowering way to look at it. And I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:07:30]:
I'm incredibly grateful for that relationship that I went through because, yes, it was probably my most toxic relationship, and it is the one that made me say, this pattern has to stop and to finally really see my wounds. So, yeah, I'm with you now. I have a lot of gratitude for it. At the time, I didn't, but now I do.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:57]:
Yeah, totally. So is there kind of an archetype of person who you're seeing again and again? Like, who are the kinds of people that you're working with? What are the things they're struggling with? Is there a pretty clear pattern or a few key patterns that you're seeing?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:08:14]:
Yeah, a lot of the people that I work with have found themselves in relationships that don't end well or relationships that don't meet their needs, or they're constantly attracted to that emotionally unavailable partner who can't meet them? I work with both anxiously attached and avoidantly attached individuals, and also a lot of disorganised attachment. As you know, that's really common in my work, since that's so connected to early childhood trauma. And I think that oftentimes with disorganised attachment, we can just find ourselves in really painful dynamics. And then those folks are a little bit more motivated to seek help. So a lot of disorganised attachment, but women will come to me when they say, okay, I've blamed the dating pool. I've blamed all the guys, but now I'm taking ownership. I am the common denominator. I want to own my role in this and they're so ready to heal and do the work and they just don't want to be in pain in their relationships anymore.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:32]:
Yeah. That sense of exasperation, of, like, surely it's not meant to be this hard. I'm looking around me and it feels like other people are managing to do this. And despite my best intentions and the fact that I really want a relationship, why does it keep ending the same way? Why do I keep finding myself? And I think a lot of what I see and hear from people is they're attracted to someone that really seems all kind of picture perfect until it isn't. And not only is that painful to play out, but every time you play it out, your self trust just kind of withers, right? Your ability to go, oh, do I just have terrible judgement because I thought things were one way and now it's this 180. And so then that really erodes my sense of self moving into the next relationship and the next person I meet, because I'm scared of my own, scared of myself, scared of my patterns. And so there's like this internal vigilant, just like this barren self trust environment. And I think that when we combine that with general anxiety or.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:46]:
I talk a lot about how I think much of the time when we're afraid of something, we're afraid of our own feelings, I don't want to experience that because of the embarrassment or the rejection or the shame or the hurt that I might feel if that thing comes to pass. And so we just end up in overdrive and it sucks all of the joy out of it. I think there's just like, from all of these angles, people are having a really hard time navigating this, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:11:18]:
Oh, I love that you mentioned this about self trust. That is such a key. And I do think that's a common thread in people that I work with, is just that disconnection from self and being unable to tell, okay, what is my past trauma? Or what is my insecure attachment style versus what is my inner knowing? What is the truth? What is my gut? And I know when you get to that place, it does, it just makes dating exhausting. And then you get a lot of people who overcorrect and they say, I'm never going to date again. And they're not in the dating scene. Right. They're giving up on love and just going to travel the world with their girlfriends. But then at the end of the day, they admit to themselves they do want partnership and they realise, okay, I have to go about dating differently and I think that speaking of self trust, for so many people, you probably find this. It started early on, that disconnection from self.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:34]:
Yeah. And I think that one of the hardest things and something I hear time and time again and something I've experienced myself is like, how can I trust myself when I had this paranoia or this fear and it came to fruition and so it's like banking evidence in favour of the fear story that's telling me I was right. And so that protective part of me that's on the lookout, that's hyper vigilant, that's snooping or that's paranoid. When it gets proven right by an experience or a relationship, then that only bolsters the perceived importance of that pattern going forward. It's really hard from that place to go, okay, I'm going to just drop that and stop doing it because it feels like it's serving such an important protective function. And so I think there's all of these pieces that are operating there to keep us really entrenched in our patterns and we just keep spinning around in them.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:13:30]:
Yes, it's so true. And I love when people start to build self trust and they're gaining that inner knowing and they're hopefully moving towards secure attachment. I see those things as being so interconnected and they're able to feel when something is off early on. I've had so many clients who go, oh, my gosh, now that I've done this work and I'm moving towards secure attachment, I know that I just saved myself six months of games, six months of heartache. I felt it early on. I trusted myself and something that in the past, I would have just predicted it and catastrophized and yes, it would have happened. I was able to just remove myself early on and I think there's so much, oh, gosh, it's just such a big win to me. When we know what to invest our energy into early on and we can feel it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:14:34]:
I guess it's preventative heartbreak. I love that so much. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:40]:
I think that it's probably not something that happens overnight, but you can, over time doing this work, take stock and go, yeah. Things that used to be attractive to me, I'm just so not interested in that kind of gameplaying or just that kind of energy, like flakiness, inconsistency doesn't do anything for me anymore in a way that it would have, once upon a time, really lit my system up and sent me into some sort of like, made me go in for more to investigate or to try and clarify or to gather information. It's just like that falls away a bit and you cease to be drawn to that kind of dynamic because you've built enough of the new stuff within you that's like, oh, that doesn't feel like a fit anymore for where I'm at, where I'm going.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:15:31]:
Yes, I love that so much. When you can start to feel that shift within you of being attracted to secure attachment and a securely attached relationship. I remember when I was doing this work on myself and feeling like, where did all of these good, emotionally available men come from? Did they just fall from the sky? Where have they been? The reality was I just wasn't attracted to them when I was in my disorganised attachment place. So it's so true that we can really change who we are attracted to and what kind of relationship dynamic is attractive to us.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:16]:
Yeah, I posted something yesterday which was from a previous podcast episode and it was along the lines of when we've been in those really inconsistent, kind of chaotic, dysfunctional relationships, that intermittent reinforcement that we get is so addictive. And so when we then start to step towards healthier relationships, it can feel like it's just not doing much for us in those early transitional stages when you're doing this work. And I think a lot of people will experience that and relate to that, this sense of healthy feeling. Boring at first, yes. When your system is really calibrated to spikes and chaos and the person who is kind of mean to you or doesn't meet your needs or is really unavailable most of the time, but then they turn up and they take you out to dinner, that's going to feel so much better for your system when you're used to that than the person who takes you out to dinner every week and is really consistent and available, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:17:25]:
Absolutely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:26]:
So recognising that, recognising that, that's a powerful system. And being really conscious about, like, which part of myself do I want in the driver's seat here? The part that is going to respond really automatically to those old patterns. Do I want to be led by that kind of like pinball machine lighting up inside me and just follow the feeling? Or do I want to make really conscious decisions in the direction of what I know is best for me and what I know is right for me? Because I think if we do just keep following those familiar feelings, we're going to follow them down familiar paths to familiar dynamics with familiar relationships, we know what we want.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:08]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:09]:
And then we go, oh, why does this keep happening to me?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:12]:
Exactly. I love that you're talking about this. We talk about this in my community a lot. And one of the sayings I have is secure is sexy because it is part of that rewiring the brain to adjust to a new normal, to say, wow, emotional availability is really attractive and starting to learn that there's different levels of intimacy that come with that and a different kind of intimacy that is stable and predictable. I think what we find, and I don't know, this is my own personal experience, my clients experience. Maybe you relate to this, of when you've been in that for a while and you're starting to normalise into it, you then see, oh, wow, this is really attractive, this is really amazing and really different from anything I've had before. And I don't even know how to really put it into words. But you know what I'm saying, right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:17]:
It's like this deep nourishment that your system can actually just rest in relationships. And I think if you've always had a lot of insecurity, if that's been kind of the dominant force of your relationships has been stress and insecurity, it's probably just like the medicine that you didn't realise how deeply you needed it to actually just be able to rest in the safety of a relationship.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:19:42]:
I love that word rest because the word that comes to me is relax. That ability to relax into love and to create a partnership that really feels like home, that is easy. There's so much joy and love that comes from that, that so many people with relational trauma in their childhoods have probably never experienced that kind of relationship before.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:14]:
Of course there's trust in it, right? It's really hard to trust that it's real. And so we can go so quickly to trying to find the problem or trying to find where it's all going to fall apart. When's the other shoe going to drop? When's it all going to go south? Because that's just what we know and that's what we've been really primed to expect, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:20:38]:
Yes. And people who are becoming secure will have extinction bursts. You've heard of that term where you're learning this new behaviour, you're becoming securely attached and then your brain goes, hey, but what about this insecure attachment behaviour? What about all these old protest behaviours? That we've used before. Are you sure you don't want these? And then they come back with a vengeance. Right. So I have these women that I'm helping and they'll say, oh, my gosh, I was doing so well and then all of a sudden I had this huge anxious attachment spiral and really, that's extinction. Bursts of the brain saying, well, hey, this was our old way of being. This worked for us for a really long time.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:21:27]:
Are you sure you don't want this?
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:29]:
Yeah, well, I think when we've got those protective strategies that feel so deeply etched into us, it's like muscle memory. It's like if you're right handed, you're learning to write with your left hand and it's just like, oh, the pull to the old way. Those parts of you that really are protective, right, and were once adaptive, it can feel really scary. For those parts to feel like you're trying to make them go away, it's like, oh, you are bad, and I'm going to make you stop now. It's why I really emphasise approaching ourselves with self compassion and not being like, oh, I'm so fucked up, I'm so broken, I've just got to stop being so anxious or I've got to stop being so scared. Makes a lot of sense, right? My anxiety. What's my anxiety trying to keep me safe from. What's my anxiety trying to tell me and recognising that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:27]:
That part of you or those parts of you have been working really tirelessly to keep you safe for a really long time and that that's not something we need to make go away. We just need to maybe look at whether that's still adaptive to our current situation and environment and what we're working towards. And to the extent that it isn't, it's like, well, okay, can I come up with some new tools and new ways of doing things that are maybe a better fit for where I am and where I'm going?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:22:56]:
Absolutely. When we are critical or we shame those parts of ourselves, we just maintain them and then we can make them bigger, we make them come out sideways. So 100% agree with you of compassion, kindness, curiosity, being willing to explore, what's the story I'm telling myself there? What needs a little bit more healing? What's the wound that's coming up? Right. And then I teach this in my programme about how do we then have compassion and then say, how do I realign with this securely attached version of me and what does my current healthy coping look like, but so many people, they don't do the compassion right. They're just beating themselves up and then they just want to try to move back to a healthier version. But we know you won't be able to move through things without that compassion. It's so needed.
Stephanie Rigg [00:24:02]:
Yeah, I think I often say the shame, it's just layering more and more stress onto a system that's already in a lot of stress. If I'm just making myself wrong for everything about my experience and when unworthiness and low self esteem is already at the heart of a lot of that, punishing ourselves, beating ourselves up, criticising ourselves, not going to make that better, right? That's just going to make that feel more true. All of our stories of low self esteem, low self worth. So I think that recognising that we have to turn things around there and that really starts within. It's going to be very hard to do any kind of meaningful growth or healing work from a place of shame and solve criticism. It just tends not to work very well.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:24:50]:
It's so true. It's so true. And then I think once people are in that more secure place or they've done some of that inner work and they're building their self worth, then what I know we probably both see is where people start to have new relationship experiences. I call these corrective emotional experiences. Right. And what I love about that is then you're gaining evidence for the healthy relationship, for the secure relationship. And I know how significant that is for people in their healing process.
Stephanie Rigg [00:25:31]:
Yeah, and I would say that's true even if you don't go on to be in a long term relationship and marry the person. It's just like, can I allow myself to really receive the goodness of this experience irrespective of what happens? I think the more we shift away from some of those insecure patterns, the more we can just be open to presence and curiosity in the dating process, in getting to know someone. And even if it's not a great fit, you might just find yourself really nourished by a connection over dinner and talking to someone and feeling a level of authenticity and confidence within yourself. That can be a beautiful corrective experience, even if it doesn't go anywhere or nothing becomes of it. I think that think it we are, then the more we can take all of that in and really receive it and receive the benefit of it. Whereas when we're in that really constricted anxious space, it's just such a strong negative bias. So it's like everything feels like a failure or a setback, just not perfect. And that's what we're trained to see and that's really what we take in.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:26:43]:
Oh, I love that you're talking about this because one of the things I would want to share is this idea that really healthy, secure attachment is the foundation in dating. And so many of us, if we don't have that foundation, we're getting stuck in those anxious, avoidant or unhealthy relationship patterns. And that's kind of really easy to pull us in and just get us stuck in that place. But when we have secure as the foundation, then we get to this really juicy, fun, exciting level of dating where we're able to actually look at compatibility and values and how do I want to feel? It's almost like the next level. I know for a fact when I was in an insecure attachment place, dating was just kind of this challenge and I was so wrapped up in fear of abandonment that I just wanted to make somebody like me and choose me. I couldn't access compatibility because I was so focused just on that attachment level. So I just think it's so powerful when just as you said, you get to a secure place, you're in this abundance mindset, you know your worth and then you're just exploring compatibility and values and do I even like this person? Is this someone where our lifestyles match up? Right. It's just such a juicier, more fun place to be.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:16]:
Yeah. And I think that everything you say there around the sole criterion being like, does this person like me? For a lot of people, particularly with more anxious attachment patterns, it's just like they really like me. So great, let's go. And there's no sense of reciprocity around, like, am I scoping out whether I like them or am I just feeling really flattered, lit up like that deeply unworthy part of me loves the attention and loves someone pursuing me. And that's kind of all I need to get myself hooked into the pattern. And I think that when we tend to that part of us so that it's not so susceptible to those little bursts of ego attention, then the much better place we are to have a balanced approach where we are there and we're thinking about like, as you say, how do I want to feel? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are the things that are really important to me in a partner, in a relationship? And I think the other side of that, it's kind of this balancing act of we want to have clarity. And we want to be able to advocate for those things. And we don't want to be too rigid or prescriptive, like, we want to be open to being surprised by someone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:29:32]:
And I think that having that secure base within ourselves allows us to walk that line in a way that, as you say, is kind of fun, or at least feels like a totally different energy to a very constricted, anxious, rigid way of doing things, which is just kind of bracing for fear and trying to get someone to like us, which is not fun. Right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:29:59]:
Yes. I think about this deep knowing of, hey, if I've already chosen myself and I know my worth, and I've released some of my unfinished business from the past, then I can really approach dating with this blank slate. And I'm not here trying to get you to choose me. I've chosen myself. And it is just such a different approach. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:30:29]:
And I imagine as well, a key piece of that is I'm not making it mean anything about me at a fundamental level. If you like me or you don't, or however it plays out, I can be somewhat. It's not that we become immune to that. I think you can be really securely attached and still have hurt feelings or be disappointed or upset if something doesn't work out and you were really excited about it, but you don't take that additional step of like, what's wrong with me? This always happens. No one's ever going to like me. Those old stories that come up and drag us down, I think you can just be with that, whatever the emotion is without taking that additional step of telling really painful stories about yourself and letting that impact your worth at a really fundamental level.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:31:18]:
Oh, it's so true. So true. And I think about all of my years of, I'll call it unconscious dating, where I did have all those negative beliefs about myself, and I would just use whatever negative experiences happened to me in dating as ways to confirm those really unhealthy beliefs about myself. So our brains are very good at looking to confirm whatever we believe and that we look to our environment. So that's why I really believe in doing this healing work and looking at your belief systems and releasing your past so that when you do go into dating, it's a blank slate weighed by all of that. Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:32:09]:
So if we were to pivot to giving people a bit of a sense of the how on all of this, I feel like we've painted the picture of why you'd want to do it and what's possible. What does the how look like I love this question.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:32:25]:
I think it's a very important one. One of the first pieces is the commitment of I really do want to work on myself and I know how important this work is. So just making that decision and releasing expectations on how long it's going to take it is a journey. So I think that's very important of I make the commitment, however long it takes. The second piece would be awareness. You have to understand what are my current patterns, what is my attachment style. And then I take my clients through something called a relationship inventory, where we really look at all the dynamics of past significant relationships. That's part of the awareness piece, processing those old woundings and being willing to look at it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:33:17]:
I'm not one of those coaches who's going to come on here and say, oh, just write out the life that you want and say your affirmations and then you'll have exactly what you want. That's not how healing works. The only way forward is through, as you know. So I really believe in examining our past in the beginning. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:41]:
And I think that intention setting is great and conscious awareness is great. And as we talked about earlier, there's a doing piece here. We actually have to step out into the world and let our system, our being, live out another version of things. Because if we have a lot of evidence banked up as to why our old beliefs or our old experiences are true and the only way, then no amount of journaling or visioning is going to be enough to shift that. It's a really great start, but it's only part of the story there. And I think that having that lived experience is invaluable. We really can't land in that new reality until we're feeling it in our body in a really experiential way.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:34:37]:
Absolutely, yes. So, yeah, definitely the awareness piece, being willing to show up differently with behaviours as you're describing, and showing up with new ways of being. I also really believe in identifying your securely attached identity. So getting really familiar with what would secure attachment look like in practise. So many of us don't have that model, we wouldn't even know what it would be. So really defining your securely attached identity and then using self compassion, use it to realign with that securely attached self when needed. So I guess those are some of the core things. I know we could probably spend a few hours going over the exact path, but I really believe in awareness.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:35:36]:
Rewire your brain with really healthy beliefs about yourself and relationships. Learn about your securely attached identity. Create that very clearly and then practise showing up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:51]:
Yeah, I would also add to that something that I will often say to people is like, when you're working on building your self worth in relationships or in dating, it can really help to work on building your self worth outside of that context as well. Because I think that particularly if you're, again, more anxious in your patterns and your tendency is for all roads to lead back to relationships. Right. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing it to find a partner and to be loved. I think sometimes if we're really laser focused on that, even if we're doing all this good work, can be with like, the strings attached of, I'm doing it so that someone will love. And so I think there can be huge benefit in broadening out our scope and going, okay, securely attached version of me would also have all of these other things going on in my life, right? And maybe I'd be practising more self discipline in other areas, maybe I'd be challenging myself, maybe I'd be taking up a hobby or whatever, but not having it all be in this very narrow funnel that is about securing a partner. Because I think the reality is that securely attached people do have much more balanced lives. And that sense of self worth is not just relational in nature, it's really essential to your identity and your self image.
Stephanie Rigg [00:37:18]:
And so I think that can be hugely helpful and pay really big dividends to broaden out the lens a little. And I know for me that that was a really big piece in building that up for myself and eventually leaving that relationship that I was in was that I was not even really focused on the relationship so much. I think I'd started to kind of detach from it, but I didn't quite have the courage or the confidence to pull the trigger and leave. But in the background, I was doing all of this stuff to really focus on, I suppose, anchoring in my own value and my own efficacy and capability. And these things that were not about love or romance or partnership, they were just about like, no, you're a valuable person and you've got this right, you're strong and you're capable. And I think that having those experiences in a kind of broad way can be really, really helpful. When it comes back to all of.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:19]:
This stuff, I love that you mentioned this. It's so powerful. I wrote a quote that did well on social media, and I think it's because it's a metaphor for this idea. But I said something along the lines of the kind of relationship where you're not my entire world, but you're my favourite continent to visit.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:45]:
Yeah.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:46]:
Because I really love that idea. We cannot have our relationship be our entire world. It's not healthy for us. It's not healthy for our partners. My partner and I, three years together, we do something called solo Saturdays. We do whatever really fills us up as individuals on Saturdays. And we know that we need that time, and it's incredibly important. He's a fly fisherman.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:15]:
He loves fly fishing. And in my old relationships, I know I would have tried to force myself to take on his hobby to learn.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:25]:
How to fly fish.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:26]:
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I am in this secure place. I am not buying a fly fishing rod. I'm not learning to fly fish. I celebrate that that's his. And I have my own hobbies. And it is very important to maintain that sense of self and you as the individual, knowing that that is so important to your own happiness and also to your ability to be a good partner.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:55]:
Yeah, I completely agree. And I think the more that you can, if you're single at the moment, cultivate that really proactively and consciously and use that time when you do have more space to really figure that out for yourself. Because I think it's easy to fall into relationships and to get a little bit lazy and to kind of collapse into the relationship and kind of do everything together. It's like, figure that out while you're single. It's not that you can't do it while you're in a relationship, but it's a beautiful opportunity to figure that out while you're single and then be really aware of it and be really kind of diligent about keeping up those things. Because if for no other reason, then I think it's so rewarding on an individual kind of self level. But it's also much better for the relationship. It's much more attractive to have that separateness and to have distinctive lives rather than just to be kind of one entity again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:40:52]:
I think the insecure parts of us, particularly more anxious patterns, love that idea of just let's enmesh and become one, and then I'll feel safe because I'll have my claws sunk into you so deeply that I'll always know where you are, what you're doing, and I'll never lose you. Right? Yeah, but it's not sexy. Suck the oxygen out of it. Yeah. I think there's really a lot more to be gained from very deliberately fostering and holding on to that full, vibrant sense of self and then to be able to enjoy that in each other and appreciate that rather than becoming complacent and sloppy about those things.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:41:37]:
It's so true. Desire needs a bridge to cross, as Esther Perel says. We need that distance to be able to create desire. I say something much less sophisticated than that. I always say boundaries are hot. They really are. Boundaries are very attractive. So knowing what your boundaries are with your time and being able to maintain that no matter where you are in a relationship, I think that is one of the things that leads to healthy long term relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:15]:
Yeah, agreed. What would you say to people who are in the early stages of dating someone and who experience that urge to just fast track everything, to get to that place of certainty and kind of lock it down, because that in between space can feel really anxiety inducing, can feel really wobbly. What would be your advice for people who are in that kind of interim phase of dating?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:42:42]:
I definitely have a few pieces. One is something I call reality testing. It's something that's using cognitive behavioural therapy of slowing down and actually taking stock of what is the reality here. How much time have I spent with this person? What do I actually know about them? Given where we are, what is the appropriate emotional investment? And one way I like to really frame this is, is there enough secure attachment in the relationship? Aka, do I know this person well enough? Have they earned my vulnerability right? Has that been established enough to support the level of emotional investment? So sort of thinking about it as like the foundation of a house, if it's not there, then I can't build on it. And reminding yourself, you owe it to yourself to slow down. Let someone earn your vulnerability, let someone show you that they can build secure attachment and really pace your emotional investment.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:59]:
Which can feel so counterintuitive for a lot of people, right? It's like the opposite of everything that their body's telling them to do, which is like, faster, faster, faster, faster. Let's jump ahead to the part where we've said I love you and we move in together and I don't have to deal with all of this uncertainty. But as you say, I think that skipping ahead can come at a cost because you're kind of building the walls without the foundation there, to use your analogy. And that typically comes back to bite you. You realise that you haven't really done the legwork to justify the level of emotional attachment and investment that you've poured into this thing. And then if it does crash and burn, it's going to hurt a lot more because we had so much riding on it, there was so much pressure on it, there was so much investment that was maybe just disproportionate to reality.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:44:57]:
Exactly. And think about yourself as an intentional investor. We'd say that with the stock market, it's no different with your relationships of, hey, I need to really know, is this right for me? And your energy, your time, your love, that is your most valuable resource. So really just seeing it as, hey, I really do need to be intentional with how I'm investing this. And just like in the stock market, we want return on investment in relationships. Is this creating secure attachment? Is this something that can grow? Do I feel how I want to feel? You need to be willing to slow down and be that love scientist that's gathering the data on those things. And yes, it is so hard when that's not what you're used to doing. It can feel so foreign.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:45:52]:
But remember, if you want a different result, you have to show up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:58]:
Yeah. And I think also just reminding yourself that that urgency is, that's not a reliable feeling. Right. And that's probably not what we want to be, just blindly following. I think for a lot of people it's like, but if I slow down, what if they lose interest? It's like, probably not going to happen. And if it does, then that wasn't the person.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:46:23]:
Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:46:24]:
If it's that feeble and flimsy that you slowing down and pacing this appropriately means they lose interest, then that's really good information too. Not your burst. If it's as amazing as it feels, it will still be there at a more sustainable pace and it'll probably be all the more amazing for you slowing down and taking that time. But as you say, I think that when we're trying to forge a new path, we have to be really prepared to not just do things because we feel a certain way. Well, I feel this, so I have to act in that way. Well, you have a little bit more agency than that. And reminding yourself of your capacity to choose something different, as strong as the feelings might be and it might be so overpowering, so overwhelming. But just like grounding yourself, coming back, okay, as you say right here, right now, what do I know to be true? What choices do I have available to me? What's the right thing for me to do? And hopefully on the other side of that process of kind of reorienting and grounding, it feels a little more spacious and a little less burgeon and catastrophic.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:47:42]:
Absolutely. I love how you describe that. I think about this in real life of, okay, you have the decision, what would that securely attached version of me do? And they probably wouldn't send the 17 text messages. They would go to yoga with their friends like they had planned. Right. We always have that option of, how am I showing up? What am I aligning with? And I'll tell you this. I think some of the first times you start to slow down and intentionally decide how empowering that is and learning, oh, I can slow down. I don't have to let my anxious brain or my avoidant brain decide what I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:48:27]:
I can be intentional and decide differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:30]:
Yeah. It's almost like knowing that your first thought is going to be probably coming from the old part and just, like, waiting for the second thought, slow it down and not just shoot from the hip, because there's a really good chance that that fear brain is going to be sending you down an old path that might not be where you want to be headed. So just knowing that about yourself, and I suppose it comes back to that self awareness, and that was a huge part of my journey and my growth is just like, being able to notice it being like, oh, that's my anxious brain telling me to do the anxious thing. And I don't have to follow that. I can actually choose something different. I think the more it's like doing reps of an exercise at the gym, the more reps you do, the easier it feels, the more confident you are in that being an option available to you. And over time, the new way feels more natural than the old way. And that's a really powerful thing to experience.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:49:31]:
It is. I love that you said that. That's so true. And I think early on it's hard to believe that, but we know that to be true, that it really can become your more natural way of being.
Stephanie Rigg [00:49:44]:
Thank goodness. I know. Thank goodness. It really is something for me when I think back to some of the things that I would do by default that now would be so unnatural, like in conflict or it's like I wouldn't reach for those things anymore. It's not how we do things, because I've actually got this new way that works a lot better for me and doesn't cost my system so much, and there's a lot of peace and relief in having that. So it's very important work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:50:15]:
Yes, it is. Yeah. And wow, what a gift you've given to your community. I've had the pleasure of listening to your show, and I'm just amazed at how much you've put out there and how good you are at explaining everything and sharing. I know you've helped so many people on their healing path.
Stephanie Rigg [00:50:38]:
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And likewise, it sounds like you're doing a lot of really important work and much needed. I know that so many listeners of the show are very much in this space and experiencing a lot of those patterns and repeat dynamics. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are going to get a lot of value out of today's conversation. Before we wrap up, where can people find you if they want to go deeper on your work or familiarise themselves with your podcast, Instagram, all of that sort of stuff?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:08]:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. And really, the best place to connect with me is on my podcast. With over 400 episodes now, it's the let's get vulnerable podcast available anywhere podcasts are aired. And then I do also spend some time on Instagram, and that is at Dr. Morgan coaching. Dr. Morgan coaching.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:32]:
So happy to answer dms and I do a daily informational post there. But the podcast really is where all the juicy stuff is. So cheque out the let's get vulnerable podcast.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:46]:
Perfect. And we will link all of that in the show notes. Well, Dr. Morgan, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. It's been so lovely to have you. Thank you so much for joining us.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:57]:
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:59]:
This was lovely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Anxious attachment, self-worth, healthy dating, rejection, self-improvement, secure attachment, relational trauma, self-compassion, shame, self-criticism, corrective emotional experiences, solo Saturdays, desire, emotional investment, intentional investing, self-awareness, self-trust, fear, relationship dynamics, Stephanie Rigg, Dr. Morgan Anderson, attachment theory, secure identity, coaching business, emotionally unavailable partners, disorganised attachment, healing relationships, personal experiences, clinical psychologist
Why Avoidant People Tend to Struggle with Defensiveness
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about why avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness. While defensiveness is far from being the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment, many people will attest to the fact that avoidant folks are often quick to become defensive in response to relational tension or ruptures - and that this can form a key piece in the negative cycle of many anxious-avoidant relationships.
Understanding Defensiveness in Avoidant Partners: A Path to Deeper Connection
Navigating relationships can be a delicate dance, especially when it comes to understanding our partner's defensive behaviour. In a recent podcast episode, we delved into the topic of defensiveness in avoidant partners and how it can impact the dynamics of a relationship. Here, we explore the nuances of defensiveness and offer insights into how understanding and compassion can pave the way for deeper connection.
The Complexity of Defensiveness
It's not uncommon for individuals in relationships with avoidant partners to encounter defensiveness during conversations or conflicts. You may find yourself expressing a seemingly innocent comment or need, only to be met with a sudden and abrasive defensive response. This pattern can leave one feeling confused, hurt, and struggling to comprehend the origin of such reactions.
Avoidant Attachment and Defensiveness
Understanding the roots of avoidant attachment can shed light on why defensiveness becomes a go-to strategy for some individuals. Often, those with avoidant attachment patterns have learned to channel their efforts into being successful, competent, and productive as a means to gain validation and connection without engaging in emotionally vulnerable interactions. Therefore, when faced with expressions of need or emotional intensity, their defensive response serves as a protective shield against feelings of personal failure or unworthiness.
Compassion as the Bridge
Beneath the surface of defensive behaviour lies the tenderness and vulnerability of one's emotional landscape. By cultivating compassion and understanding for our avoidant partners, we gain insight into the depths of their defensive reactions. Recognising that defensiveness is a response rooted in self-protection can serve as a bridge to fostering deeper connection. Instead of immediately judging these responses as wrong or dismissive, approaching them with an open heart, curiosity, and compassion can pave the way for meaningful engagement and mutual understanding.
Expressing Needs in Relationships
For those with a more anxious orientation, expressing needs or concerns in a relationship can be particularly challenging when met with defensiveness. While there might be a desire to find the perfect script or tone to elicit a specific response, the path to deeper connection often lies in embracing vulnerability and honest, open-hearted communication. Engaging in conversations with a genuine spirit of curiosity and a willingness to be wrong or surprised can create the space for authentic, non-scripted interactions that drive growth and understanding.
Navigating Emotional Intensity
Another aspect to consider is the response of avoidant partners to emotional intensity. Struggling with their own emotional landscape, they might feel ill-equipped to handle intense emotional expressions from their partner. This discomfort may lead to defensive behaviours, such as dismissing or rejecting the validity of the emotions being expressed. Understanding this perspective highlights the need for empathetic communication that acknowledges the emotional challenges faced by avoidant partners.
Encouraging Growth and Understanding
In acknowledging the roots of defensive behaviour and underlying emotional vulnerabilities, a pathway to growth and understanding emerges. By validating and connecting with our partners on a compassionate level, we create opportunities for authentic engagement and nurturing of emotional intimacy. It's about recognising that every response from our partners is rooted in their own needs, fears, or pains and approaching these with an empathetic lens.
Closing Thoughts
Understanding defensiveness in avoidant partners is a significant step towards building healthier and more secure relationships. It’s an invitation to approach conversations and conflicts with open-heartedness, compassion, and a genuine willingness to understand the complexities of our partner's emotional landscape. While it can be challenging, this approach holds the potential to nurture deeper connections and pave the way for mutual growth and understanding within relationships.
In conclusion, fostering compassion and understanding towards our avoidant partners allows us to embrace vulnerability and non-scripted interactions, ultimately creating a space for authentic engagement and deeper emotional intimacy.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you experienced defensiveness or felt the need to defend yourself in your relationship dynamics, either as the avoidant partner or the anxious partner? How did you navigate or express this defensiveness?
Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement in your relationship. How did defensiveness play a role in that situation, and what emotions or fears do you think were underlying the defensive responses from both you and your partner?
Have you ever felt dismissed or invalidated when expressing strong emotions or needs in a relationship? How did this make you feel, and how did you respond to your partner's defensiveness or dismissal?
From your perspective, what would be a healthy way to express needs or concerns in a relationship without triggering defensiveness in yourself or your partner? How can you balance being assertive with being compassionate towards your partner's vulnerabilities?
Consider how defensiveness may be linked to your or your partner's attachment styles. Do you notice patterns in how your attachment styles influence your reactions to conflict and emotional expression?
Reflect on a time when you struggled to show understanding and compassion towards your partner's defensiveness. What could you have done differently to foster a more open and empathetic communication in that situation?
How does vulnerability and openness contribute to reducing defensiveness in relationships? How comfortable are you with showing vulnerability, and how does it impact your interactions with your partner?
Think about a recent instance where you felt extremely emotional and your partner responded defensively. What do you think were the unspoken fears or discomforts that led to their defensive reaction, and how might you navigate these emotions together in the future?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-trust play a role in managing defensiveness. How does a strong sense of self-worth lead to healthier responses in challenging situations, and how does it influence your ability to trust yourself and your partner's intentions?
In what ways can you build a culture of openness and emotional safety in your relationship to reduce defensiveness and encourage honest communication? How do you think this would impact the overall dynamic and connection with your partner?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the question of why avoidant partners can struggle so much with defensiveness. So I'm often getting questions from folks who are more anxious leaning and who are in relationship with avoidant partners and who really struggle with this in conflict, in conversations, or maybe just in casual interactions, that there seems to be this real sensitivity and that their partners are very quick to become defensive. Often in response to things that can feel kind of innocuous, almost to the point where it feels like you don't really know what happened. You say something that you feel is pretty innocent and all of a sudden you're getting this big defensive response. It seems to escalate a topic of conversation or a rupture.
[00:01:21]:
It really takes the heat up very quickly in a way that can feel quite sudden and abrasive and confusing for you if you're on the receiving end of it. Now, of course, defensiveness is not something that is exclusive to avoidant folks, but I think it would be fair to say that it's a pretty common thing for people with more avoidant attachment patterns to really struggle with, and for that to be something that they lean on as a strategy to keep themselves safe, to protect themselves when they are feeling under attack. And it may be that their perception of what constitutes an attack might be quite different to yours, but that's all part of being in relationship, right, is recognising that our intention is not always the way something lands. And so trying to cultivate a level of understanding and curiosity for someone else's experience so that we're not just judging their responses as being wrong or bad and kind of vilifying them for that, we're actually approaching it with a bit more, as I said, curiosity, compassion, openness, non judgement, because that's really what's likely to get us the engagement that we're looking for, rather than just then making someone wrong for their defensiveness, which I think is where most of us go. And I know that for me, even still, it's a real practise of not immediately saying, why are you getting so defensive? You're being so unreasonable. Because that can be how it feels sometimes. And yet I think I certainly know from experience, and I'm guessing many of you listening will too, that that tends not to play very well. That if you start attacking someone for their defensive response, then that defensive response is likely to amplify rather than minimise.
[00:03:06]:
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today, sharing some thoughts on why, from what we know about avoidant attachment and its origins and the core wounds, why defensiveness arises as a really natural response and how we might start to work with that in a partner or even in yourself. Right. If you're listening to this and you notice that you have more of these defensive patterns, I think, as with anything, the more that we can bring consciousness to kind of connecting the dots on what purpose that behaviour is serving, then we're much better placed to come up with a healthier alternative and another way of doing things that meets the need or creates the safety, without having to rely on strategies that amplify conflict, that amplify disconnection, that amplify hurt and misunderstanding and leave us feeling worse off. So we'll be talking about all of that and more in today's episode. Before I dive into that, a quick reminder. You might have heard me share last week, or if you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen me share there, that I'm running a 28 day challenge called the secure self. It's kicking off on the 13 February and it's going to be all about building self worth and really understanding the different pillars of self worth. So if you followed me for a while, you might have heard me say before that I don't really love preaching self love advice, just telling people to love themselves more.
[00:04:38]:
And not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think that it just doesn't really land for a lot of people because no one really knows what it means and it feels really far away and hard to even imagine feeling self love if that's just not where you're starting from. And I think for a lot of us that is not where we're starting from. So I always tend to rely on concepts like self worth and self respect and self compassion, self discipline, self trust, which I feel more easily translate into tangible practises and acts and building blocks so that we can start to really repair that relationship that we have with ourselves, which is so foundational to any relationship that we'll ever have with anybody else. So I'm holding a 28 day challenge where we're going to have four weeks, four themes, an online community and two live calls. With me, so I'm hoping that it's going to be lots of fun. We've already had lots of people sign up in the last week, which is really great. And if that sounds interesting to you, it's all linked in the show notes if you want to cheque out the details. It's also hopefully relatively easy to find on my website, stephanierigg.com.
[00:05:42]:
So I'd love to see you there if you're interested. Okay, so let's talk about this avoidant attachment and defensiveness now, as I flagged in the introduction, and I want to emphasise here, that's not to say that every avoidant person is going to be really defensive and people who aren't avoidant won't struggle with defensiveness. I know for myself that I can be really defensive and really committed to seeing myself as right and as good. And to the extent that my partner, or anyone else for that matter, shares with me that they don't like something that I've done or that they've interpreted something that I've said as being other than what I intended in a way that I feel is an unfavourable depiction of me that's really hard for me to receive, and I do definitely feel defensive about that. It just tends to look different. Right. If you're more anxious and you have more of that people pleasing streak in you, then your defensiveness is likely to come out as more of a fawn type response. Right? It's more of a I've got to change your mind and kind of soften this and persuade you as to why I'm actually good and why you don't need to see me that way.
[00:06:55]:
But it tends to be through more engagement and more connection. Right. But ultimately it is a defensive response. It's not just accepting the way someone's perceived you and apologising for it, it's trying to persuade them as to why they're mistaken. So I think that's defensiveness as well. Right. And it's really important to recognise that rather than just again labelling someone else as defensive and letting ourselves off scot free. But what you're likely to see, if you have a more avoidant partner, their defensiveness is likely to take the form of more of a wall up, more of a quick smackdown response, kind of a batting back, a disengagement, an escalation.
[00:07:33]:
It is likely to be more of a fight response than your more fawning type response of going into that, like collapsing people pleasing thing of, I need to change your mind about me. The avoidant version of defensiveness is likely to be just trying to shut it down and block it out. And so it can look quite different, right. And that kind of defensiveness, because it's foreign to you as someone with more anxious attachment patterns. Foreign in the sense of that's not how you would approach it. It can feel like a bit of a slap in the face, or it can feel quite like an affront, something that you're unfamiliar with and uncomfortable with, and that can feel really threatening to your system. We know that anything that takes the shape of disconnection or pulling away is going to be really activating for you. And so when your partner becomes defensive, particularly if that's in response to you voicing a need or a concern, or expressing something that's not feeling great for you in the relationship, having them shut that down very quickly and disengage, can feel not only like you're a little bit shaken up by the rupture and the tension, but it can feel like a rejection of whatever you are bringing to them.
[00:08:46]:
And it's really easy to then fall into the story of you don't care about the hurt that I'm bringing to you, or the concern that I'm bringing to you, or whatever else it might be, because you're just totally unwilling to engage. And that obviously can exacerbate whatever pain we're in, because we then layer on all of these other stories of this person doesn't care about me at all because of the way that they're responding to me. If they cared about my emotions, if they cared about my well being, they would want to hear this. Now, as with all of these things, there's layers here and there's nuance and there's context. And on the one hand, I'd say that, yeah, of course, healthy, secure relationships. We want to create a culture and an environment in the relationship where concerns are welcomed and that each person is really genuinely invested in and wants to receive and hear whatever might be bothering the other as part of a commitment to the emotional hygiene of the relationship. And I think it's fair to say that most of us are not perfect in that respect. And for a lot of us, it is really hard to receive that.
[00:09:53]:
And defensiveness, I think the more we can really honestly see defensiveness as a fairly natural response to feeling attacked or caught off guard or villainized, being told that we're wrong or bad, when that just isn't our intention. Defensiveness really arises quite naturally. And so I think that it's useful in particular with avoidant attachment, because the expression of defensiveness can feel quite confronting, again, particularly if you're more anxious, and that's just not your style. It can be helpful in fostering that compassion and the humanness of it, really seeing into that humanness to understand what might be going on beneath the surface there. And for a lot of avoidant folks, they might not have really conscious awareness of this. It might not be a direct story that they're telling on the inside or their internal script. But what we know about avoidant attachment is that in the formation of that attachment style, those strategies, often what you'll see is a child who has had their emotional needs denied in some way. And because of that, they tend to channel their efforts into being successful, into achieving, into being good, being useful, being productive, all of these things that can get them the connection and the validation that they're yearning for without it being a direct emotional engagement in a way that, for whatever reason, has proven to be unsafe in their family system.
[00:11:30]:
And so because they've sort of switched that part of themselves off and really gone all in on being successful, being good, performing, achieving, being competent is a big one. Being, as I said, successful, this is really, really essential to their self image. And in order to feel like they're doing well and they're okay and they're a good person, they really need to feel like they're successful. And so oftentimes when we come into relationship and you've got an anxious partner who their blueprint tells them that it's really important to always be on the lookout for the bad things that might be happening or the ways in which our relationship is imperfect. And I'm going to bring all of those things to you because I really don't want anything bad to happen. And I feel like we have to get ahead of all of these potential leaky holes in the boat so that the ship doesn't sink, because that terrifies me. The idea of us not being together terrifies me. And so I think we should just talk about all the problems all the time to try and solve them.
[00:12:34]:
For someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, that can feel like a constant bombardment of here are all the ways in which you are not measuring up, here are all the ways in which you are failing in being my partner. Here are all the ways in which I am disappointed in you, or you're falling short. And so defensiveness can arise in that context almost as a way to reconcile all of that and to make it not feel so big and not feel like such a personal failure. Because for someone to have to be on the receiving end of that when that's their story and that's the way they receive all of those things, is you are not good enough, you are failing. They kind of have to defend against that because it's just so painful, so deeply painful to their self image to receive it in that way. Even though that's not the way you intend it, as I'm sure it isn't for most people, it's not your intention to tell someone that they're a failure. But recognising that, that's often, whether it's conscious or not, how your partner is going to receive it, I think we can start to go, okay, maybe it's making a little more sense why my partner responds in that way to something like me expressing a need, me saying that I'd like more of this or less of that, or whatever it might be. And of course, there are better and worse ways to express needs that are more and less likely to elicit defensiveness.
[00:14:02]:
But even still, I think the simple fact of expressing a need sometimes, or expressing a concern or a boundary or a worry or an insecurity can be perceived as a personal attack on someone who has that sensitivity and that really strong commitment to wanting to be good. And I think the more we can feel into that and go, oh, this hurts you because you really, really want to feel like you're a great partner to me, then we can start to access some more of that compassion. And I think, as a side note, it's why it's so powerful to really reorient ourselves to the things that are going right in our relationship and really being very generous with our appreciation and vocalisation of those beings acknowledging what our partner is doing. Well, because that's the stuff that they really need to hear. Someone who really prides themselves on feeling like they're doing a good job, feeling like they're succeeding like that, you do appreciate them and you do see their efforts making sure that that really significantly outweighs, not even just that it's on a level playing field, that it really outweighs all of the things you're bringing to them that you're dissatisfied about. Right? Even though from your perspective, you're bringing those things with the good intention of wanting to make sure the relationship is really strong and healthy. So I think one other aspect of the defensiveness from the avoidant perspective can be when their partner is very emotional and because again, we know that for avoidant folks there can be almost an underdeveloped emotional landscape that, as I was explaining before in that avoidant attachment origin story, often that part of themselves gets siloed or kind of locked away because it wasn't nurtured in their family of origin and it wasn't really valued, it wasn't welcomed. And so they learn early on that that's not safe or that that's not going to get me what I need.
[00:16:02]:
And so there can be a real internal disconnect for avoidant folks where they're not really comfortable with their own big emotions. And so by extension, they don't really know what to do with someone else's big emotions. They can feel really ill equipped. Again, going back to the thing of I really like feeling competent and in control. If someone else has got really big emotions and I feel like it's my fault, or that they're really upset with me or disappointed, they're crying, they're overwhelmed, I really don't know how to handle that. And so defensiveness there, again, of course, if you're on the receiving end of it and you are really emotional and all you want is for someone to just see you and validate you and understand, having someone almost reject or dismiss you in that moment through their defensiveness can feel incredibly upsetting and like an abandonment in and of itself. Right. You're emotionally abandoning me in this moment when I so clearly need you to be there for me.
[00:16:55]:
But for the avoidant person, again, I know this is really hard to have compassion for if you've been on the other side of it and it's caused you a lot of hurt and pain, but if we can have that ability to just step outside of our experience and walk around the other side and look over the shoulder of our avoidant partner and understand that for them that is so frightening to be faced with someone who's got these really big feelings, emotions, very expressive in a way that might feel quite out of control, and they just feel totally ill equipped, like they do not know what to do with it. And you're expecting me to do something and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do. And so from that place, it might be safer for me to become defensive, to push that back onto you, to push the responsibility back onto you, to sort of say, that's not my problem, what do you want me to do about that? Or to try and undermine the validity of the emotions that you're expressing by saying that. I didn't mean to make you upset. So why are you so upset? Something in that vein that shifts the burden back onto you. When it feels like it's going to eat them alive, it's going to smother them and they're just not comfortable with being in that seat because they don't really have experience with it. It's not part of their toolkit, what they've really learned to do. So all of that to say there's a few different limbs there of why defensiveness might arise for someone with more avoidant patterns and why that.
[00:18:29]:
Again, as much as it can feel hurtful or abrasive or upsetting or dismissive on the surface, that when we peel back a layer and we go, what's this really about for this person? If defensiveness is a protective strategy, what are they protecting? What's the tenderness here that this person that I love is feeling that is leading them to have to come out with such a self protective response and to be able to do that, that's like really, really advanced relationship skills, right? To feel into that in a moment when we're feeling hurt and to be able to hold both of those things as true, to see someone's humanity, even when we feel hurt by their behaviour. So recognising all of that, and I think once we can start to see that and feel that and kind of touch that, then we have a much greater likelihood of being able to build a bridge between us. And whether that's voicing it and naming it and saying it feels like maybe you're feeling attacked and I'm really sorry, it's not my intention to attack you, but I can see that that's how you're feeling and I'm really sorry. Speaking to the pain that you think they might be in, speaking to the fear or the sensitivity and owning that, even though that's not what you intended, that that might be the consequence and kind of opening up the conversation for them to share that there's much more engagement, right. Potential there. Because all of a sudden you're not making them the bad guy, you're not making them the villain in a really express way. Even if, as I said, that wasn't your initial intention anyway, obviously, when defensiveness is arising, irrespective of your intention, irrespective of your delivery, that's how it's landing, right? And that's not your fault. We need to kind of remove this whole paradigm of fault and villain, victim and blame, and just go, okay, this is what is right.
[00:20:36]:
Now you are feeling that even though that's the opposite of what I wanted, that is real and true. And so if I'm going to be a good partner in this moment, if I'm going to be open hearted, then my role is to validate that. Validate how divincies you're being and really recognise that. I guess the final thing that I'd add to all of that is if you're someone with more anxious patterns and you're listening to this and you were hoping that I was going to give you the perfect script to deliver the voicing of a need in a way where your partner was guaranteed to not get defensive. I can't give you that. Right. And I wouldn't want to give you that because I think a really big part of your work, as someone who's more anxious, I say your work, but it's also part of my ongoing work, is recognising that I can only control so much and that it's much less about delivering the perfect script in the perfect way with the perfect tone, so that my partner responds in the exact way that I want. That's really just me being controlling and manipulative.
[00:21:44]:
Right. It might be with the good intention of avoiding conflict or getting a need met, but it's kind of an overreach. Right. It's that over functioning. If I can just tiptoe around everything and do it in the perfect way, then I'll never have to rock the boat. So it's really an extension of my stuff, or your stuff to be doing it in that way. And so I really think the better approach is actually to just wade into the messiness of it and to be honest and open hearted and to share what you're needing to share and to be willing to be wrong or be willing to apologise, be willing to kind of see what happens in a conversation and be surprised, rather than needing to rehearse it a million times and putting this huge amount of pressure on yourself to curate the moment so that it plays out the way that you want, and then blaming yourself if it doesn't. Or blaming them because they're so unreasonable because you said it in the perfect way and they still got defend right.
[00:22:44]:
All of that is really. Even though, as I said, it's coming from a good place. I'm sure that is actually keeping you entrenched in the same patterns, because it's an extension of that part of you that just wants to eliminate risk and control everything rather than actually be vulnerable. So trust that with a level of open heartedness with a level of genuine curiosity. So, like, I'm showing up to this moment with totally fresh eyes and no expectations and I'm just going to see what happens and see what's here and ask questions and listen to the answers, right? I'm not going to coach you. I'm not going to try and steer you one way or the other. I just want to be in this moment, present with you and see what happens, see what might be different from that place. Because, as you will have heard me speak about before, so much of what we transmit to each other in particularly intense moments when our nervous system is really on high alert.
[00:23:48]:
So much of it is nonverbal and so much of it is way beyond anything we could ever write down in a neat script. So I think that recognising that so much of our communication is from the heart and from the body rather than the words that we say, and feeling into our responsibility there and recognising how powerful it is when we start to change the way that we show up in that respect and just trusting that we can figure it out. And that even though the person that we're in a relationship with might not always respond the way we want, that every response is based in some sort of need or some sort of pain or some sort of fear. And that if we really want to build healthy relationships that are based on deep compassion and security and care, that that's part of our responsibility, is to seek to understand our partner's pain and fear and sensitivities, rather than just trying to make them suppress that or convince them why they don't need to feel that way. Because it's uncomfortable for us. So I hope that that's given you some insights, something to think about, something to reflect upon and maybe some takeaways, if this is a dynamic that exists in your relationship and something that you can take into the next time you encounter this, because you will, it's still something that I encounter all the time in my relationship, in myself, in my partner. So it's not one of those things that we're just going to eradicate because it's a human thing, right? Defensiveness is a very, very natural response and it's more about understanding the why of it rather than needing to eradicate it or make it stop or make it go away. I think we just have to change how we relate to these things and how we respond to them.
[00:25:45]:
Because that's really where our growth lies and that's where we can make a lot of progress in our connection with each other. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. For anyone who leaves reviews and ratings, I read every single one of them, and I'm so appreciative always for your beautiful words. So thank you and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:26:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, avoidant partners, defensiveness, anxious leaning, conflict, communication, connection, understanding, compassion, self-worth, self-love, emotional needs, emotional hygiene, secure relationships, emotional awareness, emotional response, emotional landscape, communication skills, emotional regulation, vulnerability, compassion, relationship dynamics, nonverbal communication, insecurity, emotional wellbeing, sensitivity, emotional support, anxiety, self-reflection.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a never ending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others | On Attachment | Ep 127
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a neverending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
And yet, while comparison is arguably a universal human experience, it's undeniable that some of us struggle with the comparison trap more than others - sometimes to the point where it feels debilitating and destructive to our sense of self.
The Power of Self-Worth: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison - we all do it. Whether subconsciously or consciously, we find ourselves looking at others and assessing how we measure up. The urge to compare ourselves to those around us is deeply ingrained in human nature. However, this tendency can become a source of distress, leading to feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and anxiety. In this episode of On Attachment, we delve into the universal experience of comparison and explore strategies to break free from its grasp and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.
The Comparison Conundrum
From the moment we scroll through social media feeds to the interactions we have with colleagues and friends, the opportunities for comparison are endless. The modern world inundates us with a multitude of experiences, successes, and relationships from others, often leaving us feeling inadequate and perpetuating the illusion that everyone else is thriving while we are lagging behind.
The tendency to compare ourselves intensifies for individuals grappling with low self-worth. When we struggle to recognise and appreciate our own value, we are more prone to fixating on what we lack, as opposed to celebrating our strengths and unique attributes. This internal dialogue of not being good enough or not measuring up nourishes the cycle of comparison, perpetuating and reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
The Antidote to Comparison
While overcoming the impulse to compare ourselves to others may seem daunting, the key lies in nurturing our self-worth. Building self-worth is not an overnight transformation but rather a progressive journey requiring patience, commitment, and self-compassion.
Embracing self-worth involves a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, virtues, and contributions. It's about shifting the focus from what we lack to what we embody, recognising that our worth is not contingent on external validations.
Navigating the Relational Repercussions
The vicious cycle of comparison permeates into our relationships, influencing how we perceive and interact with others. Insecurity and low self-worth can manifest as jealousy, creating a perpetual state of suspicion and competition, even in the context of healthy relationships. The constant evaluation and comparison with others disrupt our ability to authentically connect and enjoy the company of others, leading to heightened anxiety and a sense of unease.
However, prioritising self-worth catalyses a transformative shift in our relational dynamics. By anchoring ourselves in a deep belief in our intrinsic value, we foster trust in ourselves and our relationships. This trust extends beyond external factors, allowing us to embrace our worth independently of others' opinions, strengthening our resilience and empowering us to set aside comparisons and build authentic connections rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Overcoming the Comparison Trap
The pursuit of self-worth can pave the way to freedom from the comparison trap. By cultivating self-worth, we detach ourselves from the need for approval or validation from external sources. We begin to appreciate our inherent worth, paving the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling life. Furthermore, the ripple effect of enhancing our self-worth transcends comparison, extending to other facets of our lives, such as reducing the tendency to people-please and nurturing resilience in the face of adversity.
Escaping the comparison trap is not about eradicating awareness of others' achievements or experiences, but rather reframing our perspectives. It's about acknowledging others' journeys while steadfastly reaffirming our own unique path. By grounding ourselves in self-worth, we tap into a wellspring of confidence and assurance that empowers our relationships and allows us to experience life authentically and unencumbered by comparisons.
A Journey Towards Greater Self-Worth
The road to self-worth is a continuous, evolving process, requiring active engagement and commitment. While it involves confronting internal dialogues and navigating emotional complexities, the rewards are immeasurable. As we embark on this journey, we bask in the newfound freedom from the confines of comparison. We liberate ourselves from the suffocating weight of unworthiness and usher in a profound sense of self-compassion, confidence, and empowerment.
In conclusion, as we rally against the seductive pull of comparison, we fortify our resolve to cultivate our self-worth. Embracing self-worth is the catalyst for untethering ourselves from the allure of comparison, nurturing resilience, and fostering authentic, fulfilling relationships. It's a commitment to ourselves, a testament to our inherent value, and an affirmation of our individual narratives, unencumbered by the shadow of comparison.
Embracing Self-Worth
In the pursuit of self-worth, we shatter the confines of comparison, celebrating our intrinsic value and paving the way for a life characterised by authenticity, fortitude, and genuine connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you personally struggle with comparison in your daily life? Do you find yourself caught in a pattern of comparing your life, achievements, or appearance to others? How does this impact your self-worth and relationships with others?
How has the oversupply of information in today's culture affected your sense of self-worth and comparison to others? Do you feel pressured to measure up to the standards presented in social media and popular culture? How does this impact your mental well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt threatened or insecure in a relationship due to comparison with others. How did this affect your ability to authentically connect with your partner or potential partners? In what ways do you feel your insecurities may have impacted the relationship dynamic?
Consider the role of building self-worth in mitigating comparisons. How can focusing on your own self-worth help reduce the impact of external influences and comparisons? In what ways can building self-worth positively impact your relationships with yourself and others?
Have you noticed any patterns of performing, people-pleasing, or seeking validation in your relationships and social interactions? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth and comparison with others?
Reflect on your experiences with social anxiety. How does the fear of not measuring up to others affect your ability to authentically connect with people and form genuine relationships?
What actionable steps can you take to reduce the impact of comparison in your life and relationships? How can you cultivate a sense of self-worth that allows you to embrace authenticity and self-acceptance, regardless of external comparisons?
In what ways do you find yourself resisting the societal pressure to constantly compare yourself to others? How can you shift towards a mindset of opting out of the comparison game and embracing your own unique journey and strengths?
Think about a time when you found yourself instinctively sizing yourself up against someone else. How did this impact your thoughts and emotions? How do you envision responding to similar situations in a more empowered and self-affirming way in the future?
Consider exploring the concept of "enoughness" and how it relates to comparison and self-worth. How can you shift your mindset to embody a sense of being enough, independent of external comparisons and societal standards?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about comparison and how we can stop comparing ourselves to others. So I think that this is a topic that, although it was inspired by a question I received on Instagram, it's so universal and so relatable for, I think all of us, whether this is something that you really, really struggle with or maybe you just experience a regular human amount as we'll come to shortly, I do think that this is something that we're all going to encounter at various points in our life. This tendency to compare, to look over our shoulder to see what other people are doing and to see where we stack up relative to that. I do think that it's a very natural tendency, but I also think that some of us definitely go down that vortex more than others and can get really stuck there. And particularly if you're someone who struggles with unworthiness or insecurity, anxiety, I think these can all go hand in hand. And not only does that impact our relationship with ourself, our self confidence, our self esteem, but it can really bleed into our relationships with others.
[00:01:41]:
Again, as we'll come to talk about, I think that there's a lot of overlap. If you were to do a ven diagram of people who struggle with comparison and low self worth, with people who struggle with anxious attachment, who struggle with jealousy, who struggle with a fear of abandonment, all of these things, I think that might not be so obvious in their relationship to each other. When we start to dig a little deeper, we can see how there's lots of tendrils and webs linking them all together. So I'm going to be talking about that today. Why some of us struggle with comparison more than others, where that might be coming from, what purpose is that serving, and ultimately how we can start to build a greater sense of self worth, self confidence, in a way that allows us to not become immune to comparison. Because, as I said, I think we all go there sometimes. I know I certainly do. But in a way that we can be broadly comfortable with who we are, with what we have to offer, with our value, such that we're not so heavily focused on what everyone else is doing and how everyone else looks and trying to figure out where we sit on that scale, because I think that's a pretty exhausting way to live and almost always leaves us feeling worse about ourselves or at least feeling very insecure.
[00:02:59]:
So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick announcement. I'm really excited to be launching a brand new offering. It's called the secure self and it's a 28 day challenge that's going to be kicking off next month. So just before Valentine's Day, it's a four week challenge. It's going to be all about a lot of what we're talking about today, building self worth. And each week we'll address a different pillar of self worth, a different focus area. It's going to be really accessible, both in cost.
[00:03:32]:
It's the lowest cost offering that I've had for a while, but also in its delivery. So I'm going to do audio only lessons so you can listen to it all on your phone. It's just going to be a short lesson each week and then a challenge or a homework task, something like that, an implementation piece. There's going to be a pop up community so you can connect with others who are doing the challenge, which is always a really nice component. And there'll also be two live calls with me, so there's a lot of value packed into it. It's a nice, short and sweet 128 days and I think it hopefully will appeal to people across the spectrum. No matter your attachment style, no matter whether you're new to my work or whether you've done everything I've ever released. This will be quite distinct in, as I said, both the content and the delivery, and I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:04:19]:
So early bird enrollment for that is open as of today and the early bird pricing will be available for the next week. So definitely head to the show notes and cheque that out if you're interested. Or you can go straight to my website, @stephanierigg.com and check out all the details, including some more info on each of the themes and stuff like that. So would love to see as many of you in there as possible. I think it's going to be really good fun. Okay, so let's talk about comparison. So as I said at the start, I think I'm always mindful when we talk about comparison or people pleasing or self criticism, any of these things that, of course can be really challenging, but also are very human. I don't want you to feel like you have to add that to the list of things that are wrong with you? Oh no.
[00:05:07]:
I compare myself to other people. Does that mean that's another thing that I need to fix about myself? Of course. We all do this, right? We do it subconsciously and maybe we do it very consciously. We're aware of other people's appearances or other people's success or other people's relationships. All of these things. I think that we are, whether it's innate or we are all just conditioned to do it. I think having an awareness of what other people are doing, how they're presenting, how they're living their lives relative to ours is pretty normal. I think where it can get really challenging is in this day and age when we have such an oversupply of information and exposure to so many different people and so many different information sources, relationships, all of these things, we're really bombarded.
[00:05:54]:
And so there's a lot to feel bad about. It can create this illusion and this sense that everyone else is thriving and I'm not. Or everyone else is beautiful and successful and charming and funny and I'm just average because obviously the data that we're getting is pretty skewed in that direction because that's what content is pushed to us. And so I think that while this tendency to compare ourselves is a very natural one, it's probably on steroids in our modern culture. Add to that, if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth I think that you're likely to be really prone to comparison. More so than someone who's pretty comfortable within themselves. And that maybe sounds obvious, but I think that when we really struggle with believing in our own value and really kind of knowing who we are and what we have to offer and really owning our strengths and our value proposition as a person going, yeah, I'm a great friend and people really like my sense of humour and I'm really good at my job and I'm smart and I'm loyal and all of those things, we don't tend to do that very often. We don't tend to take stock of those things and really reflect that back to ourselves because our tendency is to focus on the lack.
[00:07:13]:
Right? I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not rich enough, I don't have the perfect relationship. And that's where our attention goes. And that's really where we then end up feeling pretty shitty about ourselves. That feeds it, right? The low self worth plants the seed or makes us prone or susceptible to that comparison, and then it kind of spirals from there because the comparison inevitably feeds the low self worth and so on and so forth. So I think if you know that about yourself, that you're already quite prone to comparison, that you have those struggles with self worth, that's just a really good thing to know and to recognise, because there's things we can do about that, right? Building self worth is not an overnight thing, but it's absolutely possible, and I can speak from personal experience that I definitely used to struggle with comparison a lot more than I do now. As I said, I'm not free of it now. It's not like I never fall into that trap, but I'm definitely less bothered by it, both on a personal level and certainly in a relationship. So I did mention that I kind of talk about the relational piece.
[00:08:17]:
And I think again, to use myself as an example, when I was younger, before I had done a lot of this work, I was pretty insecure. And I found it really easy to fall into that place of comparing myself, particularly to other women in the context of relationships, and feeling kind of subtly threatened by most other women, or even the women that I didn't feel threatened by. It was because I'd gone through a process of comparing myself to them and deciding that I didn't need to be threatened by them. But that was still in that mindset of assessing everyone as a competitor or a potential threat to how I felt about myself and how comfortable I felt in my relationship. And that was pretty exhausting, right? When I look back on that now, I can see that a lot of that was coming from a place of low self worth and not really believing in my value, thinking that everyone had something that I didn't, and really feeling that sense of not enough. I'm not enough of this, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, my clothes aren't as nice as that person. Like all of these little things that just kept me totally on edge and so uncomfortable within myself that I really didn't get to enjoy not only relationships, but kind of friendships and social settings. It just created this constant anxiety.
[00:09:45]:
Because I think when you are in that mode of sizing people up and assessment, it takes you out of presence. You don't get to just show up as yourself authentically and connect with other people as themselves authentically. You're always kind of in this mode of not inauthenticity, but performing and assessing and self protection. I don't think that that's really conducive to connecting authentically with others, which is really what we want. And frankly, it just kind of takes the fun out of it. I think for a lot of us who struggle with social anxiety, which is maybe something we need to do a whole nother episode on, because these days, more than ever, I think social anxiety is probably not talked about enough, but is so chronic and endemic that a lot of people have a really, really hard time with socialising, making friends, feeling confident in social settings, which has no doubt been exacerbated by a couple of years of isolation. But, yeah, I think that it feels really complicated, it feels really hard, it feels really intimidating. And the more that we are in this mindset of needing to prove ourselves and needing to show up in a certain way in order to be impressive or be likeable to perform, then that anxiety is only going to skyrocket because we put all this pressure on ourselves to be a certain way in order to achieve an outcome, rather than just being and letting that be enough.
[00:11:09]:
So what do we do with all of this? How do we stop comparing ourselves to others? Again, I think that there's probably always going to be this lingering thing where we are aware of what other people are doing and we might have a voice inside of us that does peer over our shoulder, peer over the neighbor's fence, so to speak, and see what other people are up to and how they are going, and how that stacks up against what we're doing, how we're going, how we're feeling, and either feeling temporarily better about ourselves because we assess ourselves as superior, or performing better, or ticking certain boxes that other people aren't. And so we get that kind of little ego boost, or we feel worse about ourselves because we've decided that they're ahead of us, or better than us, or superior to us. But either way, I think we're in that egoic kind of mindset that doesn't actually feed us at a deep level, it doesn't feel peaceful and it keeps us stuck in that. Because if you're in that hamster wheel, you kind of just have to keep playing it in order. Even if you are ahead, you've got to then stay ahead. Whereas I think stepping off the hamster wheel altogether and opting out of the game is probably a much more fruitful and rewarding way of being. So, all of that being said, it's kind of like all roads lead back to building your self worth. And I recognise that that's not like an easy, oh, great, I'll just go build my self worth and then everything will be resolved.
[00:12:38]:
That's a path and it's work and it's a process, right? A practise, we could call it. But it's a really rewarding one. And it's one that I talk about a lot, because I think that the ripple effect from focusing on building your self worth into all of these other areas of life, we can start to see that things like comparison, things like people pleasing, things like staying in relationships longer than we should, or pursuing relationships with people who are not really aligned or not really interested in us, these all kind of spring out from this place of low self worth. And when we start to work on that in a really committed and sustained way, we really make that a priority. It's amazing how organically all of these other things kind of fall away. They might not totally disappear, but they just become less relevant to us. They feel like less of a fit and comparison, I think, is one of them. Because ultimately comparison is trying to protect us, right? It's just feeding back information.
[00:13:40]:
Because a part of us is convinced that we're in competition with these people. And when that's the story that we're telling ourselves, then staying safe means winning. And so we feel like we have to do that and we have to kind of beat away all of the threats to our identity and our relationships. Whereas when we step out of that mindset and we really start to grow those seeds of self worth from the ground up, really within ourselves, then, as I said, all of those things just start to feel a little less important. And again, speaking from personal experience, things that I used to really, really struggle with in relationship, like jealousy was a big one. I was so aware of other women, even when there was nothing untoward, there weren't circumstances that warranted that. But I was inwardly just so wary of other women. I felt so threatened by them.
[00:14:32]:
And I really don't feel that anymore in my relationship because I trust in my value, I trust my partner, but I trust that even if anything were to happen, that that's not a comment on my worth. Because I really believe in my worth in a really embodied way. And I think that that's just quite profoundly healing to do that work and get to that place where it's not about never having wobly days, where you feel a little unsure of yourself or never having social anxiety. I certainly still don't like showing up to a room of people who, I don't know, that's not my comfort zone at all, but just feeling a little bit more anchored in who you are and letting that be okay and letting that be enough and knowing yourself and just kind of removing some of the heaviness of having to perform or emulate what other people are doing or copy other people or compete with other people. Because as I said, I think that that just is really, really draining. If nothing else, it's an exhausting way of living. And it's one of those things where insecurity begets more insecurity begets more insecurity. The downward spiral is real with all of those things because it really drags us down in our energy.
[00:15:51]:
But the inverse is also true. The upward spiral is possible and available to all of you if that's something that you're really committed to choosing and creating for yourself. And I should say I have other episodes. It's probably beyond the scope of today, just timing wise, but I do have other episodes on the how of building self worth. If that's something that you're more interested in diving into, you should be able to search that relatively easily and pull up those old episodes that give you a bit more of a roadmap on how you can start building self worth. I also have a free guided meditation on my website on building self worth, I should say. So you can go cheque that out. And of course, if you really want to go all in on this whole self worth thing, the secure self challenge will be starting in about a month, but the early bird pricing is available for the next week.
[00:16:38]:
So definitely go cheque it out if you're interested. If what I've shared today has resonated for you, as I said, my intention is for it to be a really fun, light hearted, enjoyable program for you to connect with each other, connect with me. So looking forward to that and looking forward to seeing hopefully lots of you in there. So thank you so much for joining me. I hope today's episode has given you something to think about. It's been helpful for you and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, comparison, insecurity, self-worth, self-confidence, anxiety, worthiness, jealousy, fear of abandonment, social anxiety, self-esteem, self-worth building, thriving relationships, people pleasing, performance, connection, personal development, emotional well-being, self-improvement, overcoming insecurity, guided meditation, attachment style, socialising, relationship coach, early bird pricing, pop up community, live calls, secure self challenge.
5 Hard (But Liberating) Truths About Break-Ups
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
In today's episode, we're talking all about break-ups. Break-ups are one of the most challenging and sometimes destabilising emotional experiences we can go through, and there is so much conflicting advice and information on how best to approach the ending of a relationship.
In this episode, I'm providing you with some hard (but hopefully liberating) truths about the break-up process, so that you can make the most of the opportunity that your break-up offers to deepen in your self-awareness and your relationship with yourself.
5 Essential Truths About Moving on After a Breakup
Breakups are one of the most challenging emotional experiences we can go through. The pain, confusion, and disorientation that come with the end of a relationship can be deeply overwhelming. In this article, we will explore five hard but liberating truths about breakups to help you navigate the process of moving on and healing.
Breakups Aren’t a Competition
One of the most damaging mindsets to adopt after a breakup is to see it as a competition. The narrative of needing to emerge as the “winner” or prove something to your ex is pervasive in our culture, often perpetuated by social media and pop culture. It’s essential to understand that breakups are not about proving your worth in comparison to your ex. Feeling sad, lonely, or missing your ex is completely normal and doesn’t make you a loser. Instead of getting caught up in a futile competition, focus on nourishing and taking care of yourself. Embrace the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience.
Closure Is Within You
The need for closure after a breakup is natural, but it’s crucial to recognise that closure may not come from your ex. Seeking answers or explanations from someone who may not have the emotional capacity to provide them can be disempowering. Instead, it’s important to make peace with the unknown and accept the lack of closure as a part of the process. Reframe closure as a decision within yourself to accept things as they are, rather than depending on external sources for resolution.
Respect Their Space
After a breakup, it’s important to acknowledge that you no longer have the right to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing. Unless there are specific circumstances, such as co-parenting, it’s essential to detach from the need for oversight. For those with anxious attachment patterns, the loss of control over this information can feel destabilising. However, redirecting your focus back to yourself and your needs can help in navigating the feeling of disorientation.
Seek Support Outside the Relationship
Continuing to provide emotional support to each other after a breakup can complicate the healing process. Diversifying your support systems away from your ex can help in unravelling the emotional ties. Seeking emotional support from someone other than your ex is crucial for moving on and processing the breakup. Providing emotional support to your ex can delay the process of acceptance and moving on and can be detrimental to both parties' healing.
Accept Their Future, But Focus on Yours
It’s natural to feel uncomfortable at the thought of your ex moving on and starting a new relationship. However, it’s important to recognise that they will move on, just as you will. Accepting this inevitability can help in finding peace and letting go. Comparing your own progress with your ex's can lead to self-judgment and unnecessary suffering. It's crucial to focus on your own healing and growth, understanding that everyone's journey is unique.
In conclusion, navigating a breakup can be challenging, but embracing these truths can help in the healing process. Understanding that breakups are not about winning or losing, making peace with the lack of closure, respecting each other's space, seeking support outside the relationship, and accepting the inevitability of their future can all contribute to a healthier post-breakup experience. Remember to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel and heal, and focus on your own journey of growth and resilience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
1. How do you find yourself reacting to the idea that breakups are not a competition with winners and losers? Have you ever felt pressure to "win" the breakup or prove something to your ex?
2. Reflect on the concept of closure in breakups. How do you typically seek closure in your relationships? How does the idea that you may never get closure from a breakup make you feel?
3. How comfortable are you with the idea that you no longer have a right or entitlement to know what your ex is thinking, feeling, or doing after a breakup? Do you agree that accepting this reality can be liberating?
4. Consider the importance of seeking emotional support from sources other than your ex after a breakup. How does this resonate with you based on your past experiences with breakups?
5. How do you feel about the inevitability of both you and your ex moving on after a breakup? Does the idea of your ex moving on sooner or later affect your feelings about the breakup and the relationship?
6. In what ways have societal influences, such as social media and pop culture, shaped your perceptions of breakups and post-breakup behavior? How do these influences impact your emotional responses to a breakup?
7. Reflect on the concept of self-worth and ego in the context of breakups. How has the need to prove oneself or "win" after a breakup influenced your behaviors and emotions?
8. Consider the connection between attachment patterns and seeking information and control after a breakup. How do your attachment patterns influence your desire for oversight and information about your ex post-breakup?
9. How does the idea of providing emotional support to your ex, or receiving emotional support from your ex, after a breakup align with your own experiences? How do you navigate the challenge of setting boundaries in post-breakup interactions?
10. Reflect on the role of self-care and self-compassion in navigating the challenges of a breakup. In what ways do you prioritize your own well-being and healing during this difficult time?
Remember, the reflection process is a personal journey and it's okay to take the time to answer these questions at your own pace.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about breakups and specifically five hard but liberating truths about breakups. So breakups are one of those areas. It's sort of in the top three things that I get asked about, and understandably so, given that a breakup is obviously one of those potentially really cataclysmic events in our lives and in our relationships, and it can be really disorienting and it can really throw us off centre and make us question and doubt so many things, both within ourselves, within our perception, our experience, our relationships with others. And it can really rock our confidence and our sense of certainty about the future. So many things about a breakup can really throw us into a sense of disarray, and I think the grief of that experience is really profound and really important to honour. And I'm a big advocate of really leaning into the grief that a breakup will bring rather than trying to quickly rush through it or bypass it or numb it out or avoid it.
[00:01:39]:
But in today's episode, I'm hoping to give you some frank and pragmatic advice, always delivered with love and care. But I think that there can be so much noise on social media and in pop culture around breakups, and much of it is really unhelpful. And it's probably going to send you in a direction that will keep you stuck is probably the best way of putting it. And keeping you in a mindset that's maybe not mature, not adaptive, not really focused on your growth and your healing and you learning the lessons of your breakup. Because I do think that all breakups bring with them really powerful lessons about ourselves and are an opportunity to deepen in that relationship and to really clarify who we want to be and what's important to us and what our values are and maybe the mistakes that we made and how we can do better next time. So what we're going to be talking about today is all of that and more. But before I dive into that, I just wanted to let you know that if you are going through a breakup at the moment, or you have been through one recently and you're struggling with that, I have a free, guided meditation on finding closure and letting go, which you can download on my website, which we'll link in the show notes. It's a really beautiful meditation.
[00:02:57]:
I think about 5000 people or more have downloaded it over the past maybe 18 months. So it's really very popular and always gets great feedback. So if that's something that sounds helpful to you, definitely go and cheque it out and let me know what you think. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around five hard but liberating truths around breakups. So the first one that I want to offer you is that breakups are not a competition with a winner and a loser. So please stop seeing them that way and stop competing with your ex to try and come out on top or emerge as the victor of your breakup. This is so, again, I think, really deeply entrenched as a result of kind of basic content, to put it bluntly, on Instagram, TikTok in rom coms, this sense of needing to win, needing to get revenge, needing to prove your ex wrong by having some makeover and making them regret the relationship ending like they'll never know what they missed, that kind of thing. I really don't think that that is helpful at all because it keeps you in this mindset of needing to figure out where your worth sits relative to your ex, based on who is doing well, whatever that means, versus who's having a hard time.
[00:04:22]:
And I think what inevitably happens here is you end up feeling like you shouldn't feel sad or you shouldn't feel lonely, or you shouldn't miss them. That all of those feelings are in some way wrong and they turn you into a loser, they make you pathetic, they make you desperate, when really they're absolutely normal experiences to go through after a relationship ends. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that they have come out on top and you are somehow left behind. I really think that that kind of mindset only contributes to us feeling broken or shaming ourselves after a breakup. And even if it's the other way around, even if you convince yourself that you are the winner, so to speak, that you are better than them, that it's their loss, that whole mindset is just really, I think, steeped in ego. And it's a sense of like, if I can convince myself that it's their loss and I never love them anyway and I'm going to go on a diet and get a makeover, and they'll regret the day that they ever thought that they could break up with me, that kind of mentality, I don't think that you are actually addressing what is going on for you. And I think that that is almost always coming from ego, which is cloaked over really low self worth. And I think that the person who is in touch with themselves, who is emotionally mature, who is really tending to their experience, doesn't go into that trap because they know that it's messier than that.
[00:06:00]:
It's more nuanced than that. It's not some binary thing, it's not a competition. So if you find yourself getting sucked into that kind of mindset of needing to win or needing to come out on top in some way, needing to prove something with your breakup, I'd really encourage you to try and let go of that and just redirect the attention back to you, not you relative to them, but just you, to really nourishing yourself, to taking good care of yourself, to yes, becoming the best version of yourself going forward and really learning the lessons of your breakup. Integrating all of that. Absolutely. But not with a view to making your ex regretful jealous, any of those things. It's not about them anymore, it's about you. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is you may never get closure from them.
[00:06:53]:
Now, I've spoken about this many times before, and it is such a challenging place to be in. It's a real bind, because often when we are left needing closure or feeling this need for closure, when everything feels very unresolved, when perhaps we've been blindsided, we really didn't see something coming. Maybe someone's behaviour was very inconsistent. One week they were saying they loved us and they couldn't wait to spend their lives with us. And the next week they've totally had a change of heart and they have ended the relationship. Of course you want answers, of course you want an explanation, of course you want to make that make sense so that you can feel an internal sense of resolution. All of that is so normal, natural, human. And at the same time, I think we have to get really honest with ourselves and really realistic about a person's capacity to provide us with a cogent explanation.
[00:07:48]:
When clearly their behaviour indicates that they don't really know how they feel, what they want, when they don't have that internal sense of cohesiveness in their own emotions or thoughts or desires. And when we outsource our own sense of whether or not we can move on, when we place that power in someone else's hands, we're putting ourselves in a really vulnerable position and a really disempowered one because there's a good chance that the person who left you feeling that way so desperately in need of answers and in need of closure, who may not have had the emotional capacity to communicate clearly and respectfully and honestly and with a level of self awareness, it's unlikely that they're going to suddenly show up having developed that capacity after the breakup, when frankly, they no longer owe you that because you're not in a relationship anymore. And it's hard to force the hand of someone who doesn't want to show up in that way or doesn't have the capacity to show up in that way, particularly when you're no longer in a relationship. So getting really honest with yourself around that and really realistic, and I invite you to reframe closure as something that you get to decide that you make your peace with the not knowing, you make your peace with the way things ended in maybe a confusing way, maybe a way that doesn't make sense and that feels really inconsistent. And just recognising that your closure comes from your decision to accept things as they are, rather than from needing answers from someone that they may or may not ever be willing or able to provide you. As I said, that latter approach is really disempowering and will keep you stuck for a very long time. And frankly, I think sometimes we use this idea of closure. I just need to have one more conversation with them.
[00:09:40]:
I just need to see them one more time so that I can get closure. I think we have to be honest about the extent to which we're using that as a reason to keep holding on and hoping that if we can have that one conversation, then we can maybe change their mind, or we can persuade them, or we can coach them back off the ledge if their fear has arisen and has led them to end the relationship, any of those things, at least if we keep the line of communication open, then we might be able to influence them in the direction of what we want. But all of those things are, as I said, I think, keeping us stuck in limbo and in this place that prevents us from really moving on with our lives, try and release the need to wait for closure from them that may or may not ever come. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth about breakups is that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they are thinking, feeling or doing with their time. So this one probably has a few caveats to it. Obviously there are lots of different contexts and circumstances where you might still have intertwined lives for example, if you're living together or you have children and you're co parenting, things like that. But absent those sorts of circumstances, in just a regular breakup, I think something that particularly anxiously attached people can really struggle with is this idea of like, I no longer have oversight over them and I don't really have any right to know because information can feel like such a safety blanket for you if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so the sudden severing of that line of information, of knowing how to reach them, what they're up to, where they're going, what they're doing, feeling like you have no control over that can feel extremely destabilising and can really send you spinning out.
[00:11:30]:
Because I think a lot of the time your energy is directed towards that sort of monitoring and feeling like you have everything under control and you kind of know what is going on. That's often a way that you create safety for yourself. Whether that's healthy or not is a different conversation, but nevertheless, I think that's really common. And so when a relationship ends and all of a sudden the rug sort of pulled up from underneath you in that respect, it can feel really disorienting. But as with all of these other things, it is just part of the process of a breakup, accepting that that's no longer kind of within your jurisdiction. Often I'll get messages and questions from people saying my ex is going on dates or talking to these people, what do I do? Or my ex won't answer the phone. My ex, how am I meant to know what they're feeling? And I think the simple answer, again, not easy, but simple, is there's nothing for you to do there. It's actually not for you anymore, it's not yours to do anything about.
[00:12:30]:
And of course that brings up its own stuff for you to process. But again, I think there's a theme in all of these truths that I'm sharing with you, is to reorient back to yourself and not yourself relative to them, but to try and consciously, repeatedly and it will be a practise rather than something that comes naturally, but to keep bringing your focus back to what do I need right now? How can I support myself? What am I feeling? Rather than the thing that most of us do, which is when we feel grief, sadness, discomfort, loneliness, fear, is we look outwards and try and find ways to control other people, control our environment, control our relationships, so that we don't have to feel those uncomfortable feelings. But a big part of your growth, whether you're in the context of a breakup or otherwise is learning to just be with those things within yourself and increasing your tolerance for that and your resilience. So, recognising that you don't have jurisdiction over your partner anymore, that you don't get to know necessarily what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling, and that you can't force them to have another conversation with you, to answer your calls, to want to see you, all of that stuff, again, is not really within your right or entitlement once the relationship ends. Now, of course, again, if a relationship ends amicably and you're both open to that, that's totally fine. But that's not really the situation I'm speaking to there. And I suspect that if you're in that situation, you may not be struggling with the fallout of a breakup quite so much as others who are having a bit more of a severance of all contact in the relationship. Okay, so the next hard but liberating truth is that it is very rarely a good idea for you to provide emotional support to one another as you process the breakup.
[00:14:22]:
Meaning, if you are supporting each other through that period and you are calling each other and crying and processing and really leaning on each other, when you're feeling grief, when you're feeling sadness, when you're feeling loss and loneliness and all of those things, if they're still your comfort person and your go to emotional support person, that's really going to muddy the waters in almost all cases. Now, of course, as with all of these things, there will be exceptions. But I think a lot of the time when we expect the person who we've just ended the relationship with to be our emotional crutch, it's going to be very, very hard for you to actually come to terms with the fact that the relationships ended. This is why things like no contact periods can be really helpful, is because we sort of need a period of separation and space in order that we can process the fact that we are no longer in a relationship with this person. Because even though you might know that consciously, cognitively, your deeper parts of you, your nervous system, your attachment system, all of that that's really accustomed to being connected to this person needs a chance to recalibrate and to recognise that that's no longer the case. And so diversifying your support systems away from one another is really important. It's really not healthy or adaptive, as I said, in most cases, for you to be leaning heavily on each other as the support while you're trying to unravel the relationship and disentangle yourselves emotionally from one another. I do think that that will ultimately make things more complicated because you're just kicking the can down the road, delaying the inevitable and in so doing, delaying the need to move on, which then means that you're putting the rest of your life on hold and your next chapter on hold.
[00:16:14]:
So I think, in most cases, really try and seek emotional support in processing the breakup from someone other than your ex. And don't put it upon yourself to be that person for them. Again, I get a lot of questions from people saying my ex is really depressed or they're really struggling after the breakup, and I feel so guilty. What do I do? Of course, it's not about being cold or callous, but ultimately, that's not your responsibility to manage their emotional experience post breakup. And it's in both of your best interests for them to find another resource, another person, another form of support that isn't you, because that's just the reality that that's not going to be you anymore, and they're not going to be that for you anymore, at least in the short term. So coming to terms with that, and really, as much as it might be uncomfortable or challenging, knowing that that's probably what's best for both of you. Okay. And the fifth and final one is that sooner or later, they will move on and so will you.
[00:17:11]:
So I think that the idea of our ex being with someone new, dating someone new, sleeping with someone new, loving someone else, can range from mildly uncomfortable or icky. We can just feel a bit, oh, I don't really want to think about that all the way to. I can't even bear the thought. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Totally intolerable. Right? I think there's a whole spectrum between those extremes. But either way, I do think that for most of us, there is some discomfort, at least around those thoughts. And yet it is inevitable, right? Unless you obviously get back together soon after breaking up, that if the relationship has really ended, then they will move on with their lives and you will move on with your life, too, even if that feels so far away right now and so out of reach, and you can't imagine being in that headspace or having any sort of interest or openness to being with someone else.
[00:18:05]:
That's part of life, and that's what's going to happen, and it doesn't have to mean anything. Right? I think so many people fall into the trap of, oh, my ex has moved on more quickly than I have. Does that mean they never cared about me, didn't love me. What's this new person got that I don't have? Again, going back into that mindset of comparison and competition that inevitably leaves us feeling worse. Just recognising that it will happen and that's okay. And that might feel like you're making progress and it's been a few months and then you find out that you're exit dating someone new and all of a sudden you experience this big whiplash and you're right back where you were, right in the depths of all of those post breakup feelings. Again, totally normal. So just preparing ourselves for that and managing our expectations rather than panicking, making that mean anything about us or about the relationship.
[00:18:58]:
Or they didn't really care about the relationship because they're now dating someone new, or they said that they didn't want to get married. And then two years later I find out that they are engaged to someone else. Why? What was wrong with me? All of that stuff, I think, just gets us into such a dark place and leaves us feeling so broken and unworthy and really judging ourselves. And I don't think that that is at all in any way healthy or supportive of what you really need. So again, just releasing the need to monitor them, to control them, to keep tabs on what they're doing or how their life is progressing and just coming to terms with the fact finding, acceptance for the fact that as you will move on, so too will they. And that might happen on a different timeline. And that's okay as well. It's not about you anymore.
[00:19:54]:
And so I think the sooner we can accept that, of course that will happen sooner or later, then the sooner we will find our peace with that and realise that it's not about us and it's not for us to focus on or obsess over. Okay, so that was five hard, but hopefully liberating truths about breakups. I hope that this has given you some comfort, some clarity, some redirection. If you're going through a breakup and you're feeling a bit like you're spinning around in the whirlpool of all of that complex, dense emotion, just knowing that it is really normal and natural to be feeling those things, you don't have to try and rush through it or get away from it or make it stop. I think the more that we can stay with those emotions and those experiences, as uncomfortable as they can be, the quicker we get through them. Ironically enough, it's in resisting them and trying to block them or make them go away, that we actually end up obsessing in the story of it and obsessing over what our ex is doing and obsessing over everything that happened and that actually protracts the whole experience. It prolongs the whole experience in a way that tends to exacerbate our suffering. So be really kind to yourself.
[00:21:13]:
As I said at the start, if you've gone through a breakup recently and you'd like an extra resource in your toolkit, definitely check out the free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that will be linked in the show notes and also relatively easy to find on the freebies page of my website. Sending you so much love. Thank you for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:21:39]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.
How to Live Courageously in 2024
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
Embracing Courage in 2024
Courage is a trait often associated with grand acts of heroism or bravery. However, the courage to live authentically, make significant life changes, and pursue personal growth in the face of fear is equally, if not more, profound. As we stand at the threshold of 2024, it’s an opportune moment to reflect on the role of courage in our lives and how it can shape our experiences, relationships, and overall well-being.
Courage thrives in the space of authenticity. It’s about daring to be true to oneself, even when the road ahead seems uncertain and daunting. For many, the journey towards courage begins with a deep introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s fears, insecurities, and limitations. It involves peeling back the layers of societal expectations and personal doubts to uncover the authentic desires and values that fuel our ambitions.
It’s often tempting to remain in our comfort zones, surrounded by the familiar and the safe. However, the truest expressions of courage arise when we confront the uncomfortable. Despite external appearances that may project success, an individual may still feel empty, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their true selves. The realisation that the pursuit of comfort can sometimes lead to feeling profoundly uncomfortable within can be a catalyst for transformative change.
Fear is a natural and universal response to the unknown. Yet, it is also a barrier that can hinder personal growth and obstruct the path to creating a life aligned with one's aspirations. Many have encountered the paralysing grip of fear, particularly when contemplating making significant life changes. However, it’s within these moments of uncertainty that courage emerges. In 2024, it's essential to foster the courage to face fears, acknowledge their existence, and take steps forward despite them.
Courage grants us the gift of navigating the unknown with resilience and determination. Choosing the path of uncertainty requires a leap of faith, a belief in one’s ability to overcome challenges, and an acceptance of the inevitable setbacks. Stephanie’s experience demonstrates that embracing courage often leads to unexpected opportunities, personal growth, and a profound sense of gratitude towards oneself. The act of seizing control and forging a path aligned with one’s values and aspirations is a testament to the transformative potential of courage.
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, the message of embracing courage and intentionality resonates deeply. It serves as an invitation for individuals to carve a path towards a life overflowing with purpose, growth, and gratification. Recognising the presence of fear and choosing to explore the discomfort amidst a backdrop of convention and expectations can mark 2024 as a year of significant personal evolution and resilience. In 2024, the call to embrace courage and intentionality stands as an opportunity for transformative changes, a chance to redefine one’s narrative, and an invitation to navigate the year with an unwavering spirit of resilience and authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does the concept of courage resonate with you in your own life and relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards the comfortable and familiar, or are you more inclined towards taking risks and embracing the unknown?
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt deeply dissatisfied or unfulfilled, despite outward appearances of success? How did this impact your sense of self-worth and purpose?
Reflect on a time when fear or insecurity held you back from making a change that you knew was necessary. What were the consequences of staying in the familiar, easy path versus embracing the courageous, but uncertain, option?
In what areas of your life do you feel a deep yearning for something more or different? What steps can you take to honour those yearnings and move towards a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires?
Think about a moment when you felt a sense of deep self-trust and inner alignment. What choices or actions led to this feeling, and how did it impact your overall well-being and satisfaction with life?
Consider the role of external validation and societal expectations in shaping your life choices. How have these influences guided your decisions, and what might it look like to break free from their hold to pursue a more authentic path?
Have you ever faced setbacks or challenges after choosing the courageous, less-travelled path? How did these obstacles impact your sense of self and your commitment to pursuing a life aligned with your values?
What changes or choices have you been contemplating that align with your deepest desires and values, but also feel scary and uncertain? How can you begin taking steps towards embracing the unknown and making these changes a reality?
Reflect on a time when you chose the easy or familiar path over the courageous and challenging one. What did you learn from that experience, and how has it shaped your approach to making difficult decisions since then?
How do you envision your life looking a year from now if you were to wholeheartedly embrace courage and step into the unknown? What fears or obstacles might you need to overcome, and what support or resources could help you along the way?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Our last episode for 2023. As at the time of recording, it is the 31 December here in Australia at least, and I am wanting to talk to you today about courage and give you a little bit of a pep talk for 2024. I always find this time of year to be fertile ground for self reflection, for taking stock, and for setting intentions for the year ahead. Not so much in a cheesy resolution way of telling yourself that you're going to go to the gym every day, even though you know you aren't, or anything in that vein, but for deeper reflection, for getting really honest with ourselves around what's working and what isn't, where we are still hiding or withholding or letting fear drive us in our lives. And for me at least, courage and learning to practise courage and to embrace challenge and the unknown, all of that has been hugely formative in my own life and in getting me to where I am today, which when I look at the life that I am living, that I have created, that I continue to create both personally and professionally, I am really overcome with profound gratitude, both for everything that I have, but also towards myself. Because I know that a lot of what I am surrounded by today is a direct result of hard things that I turned towards rather than away from in years gone by.
[00:02:14]:
And so I wanted to share a little bit more of my own personal experience with courage and with fear and with doing scary things as a way to maybe inspire you, maybe aspects of my story will resonate with you in different ways, but hopefully to dispel the myth to the extent that you have some impression of me, that it's all been smooth sailing and easygoing, it absolutely hasn't. And my life hasn't always looked like it does now. Not to say that my life now is always smooth sailing, it absolutely isn't. But I am really deeply appreciative and joyful at the moment with everything that is going on for me. And I want you to feel like all that you desire, not necessarily the specifics of a checklist of things that you would need in order for your life to feel perfect. But if you're someone who feels like joy and peace and gratitude and fulfilling relationships like that's out of reach for you for some reason. I really want you to believe that that's not true. But it might take some courage, some bravery, some unknowns for you to move in the direction of the life that you really want and the life that you would be proud of.
[00:03:35]:
So let's rewind, say, five years, five years ago for me, some of you will know this. Many of you won't, I suspect, if you are newer to me, to my podcast. Five years ago, I was working as a corporate lawyer doing m and a, mergers and acquisitions. I was working ridiculously long hours. Actually found a photo in my camera roll the other day of me leaving work at like 04:30 a.m. In the lift. So that was what my life looked like. A lot of work, a lot of partying.
[00:04:14]:
When I wasn't working, I was in a really unhealthy relationship that was fueled by a combination of ego and low self worth. And as much as outwardly, it might have looked like I was ticking a lot of boxes. I had done really well in my high school exams. I'd gotten a scholarship to go to university. I'd studied for five years. I had an honours degree in law and a degree in political economy. I had travelled extensively. When I finished university, I had job offers from all of the top law firms in Sydney.
[00:04:53]:
It was really like my life was all laid out before me. And I tell you what, my ego really liked it. It's such a funny two sides of the same coin, I think. Ego and low self worth. I think the lower our deep sense of security, the more prone we are to being seduced by things that our ego likes. Those external validations, those approval seeking things. And for me, being courted by law firms and being good at my job, and I was really good at my job. All of that felt great in a sort of superficial, temporary, fleeting way.
[00:05:35]:
But when you don't have much of an internal anchor or a core sense of who you are and what you value and who you want to be, all of that stuff kind of gives you what you need, in a funny sort of way. So that was my life. And it, as I said, outwardly probably looked like I was doing okay. I was living in an apartment in the city and in many ways it was kind of aspirational looking. But inwardly I felt very, very empty. And I didn't like myself very much. I wasn't proud of who I was. And I felt a lot of shame often about how I would act.
[00:06:19]:
And I felt no sense of purpose, no sense of integrity, really. I couldn't say that I was proud of who I was or what I was doing with my life. Fast forward a little bit. And I was still in the same relationship. And it became increasingly clear to me that the way I was living my life was not sustainable. And I'm really grateful to my then self for having at least the self awareness or the willingness to look honestly at the way I was living and to acknowledge that I couldn't go on that way and that it wasn't enough for me. When I looked at people who I worked with, who were senior to me, who were 15 years ahead of me in their career trajectory, the sense of dread that I felt at my life being that in 510 or 15 years was overwhelming. And I had this really deep knowing of, if I don't make a change, if I just continue to do this, the easy thing, then I'm going to be really, really regretful later in my life.
[00:07:39]:
I'm going to be really, really disappointed in myself for not going after more, for going after something that actually allowed me to feel integrated and whole and peaceful. And it might sound a little bit funny to you, hearing all of that and me describing that as the easy thing, but in many ways it was. Even though on a day to day basis it wasn't easy. I was working ridiculous hours, I wasn't very healthy, I wasn't sleeping very much, I wasn't in a good relationship. And so while all of that kind of sounds hard, and in some ways it was, it didn't take any courage. Right?
[00:08:14]:
It was easy in the sense that it was familiar, and I could just do all of that on autopilot without challenging myself, without looking at the things that needed to be looked at within my own being. And so it was easy. It was a cop out, to be honest. It was definitely not doing anything courageous or challenging or expansive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And so it kind of reached a breaking point where I started to think about all of that really seriously. And I decided that I had to make a change. And it was then that I decided if I were to do anything, what would it be? And I've always, always loved learning myself personally about relationships and understanding people. And I think I've always had a natural kind of gift or inclination towards that.
[00:09:11]:
When I was first finishing high school and choosing what to study, it was always a toss up between law and psychology. And I don't know if this will be relevant to anyone outside of Australia, but there's a weird sort of trope where if you get the grades in your end of high school exams, then there's this pressure to make the most of them. And law required a very, very high grade, and I got the score for it. And so it was almost this thing of not wanting to waste my academic results on something that had a lower entrance bar. And so I did law instead of psychology. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have gone straight into psychology, although I don't know that I'd be where I am today had I not walked the path that I walked. So I don't really have any regrets there.
[00:10:00]:
But anyway, I'd always had a really keen interest in that and I had studied it for a couple of years in high school as well. And so when I started to think about, okay, if it's not going to be what I'm doing, if I'm going to have some big career change, what's it going to be? And I decided that I wanted to teach people about relationships and help people with that. And I think, as is the case if you speak to coaches and therapists, so many people go into this work from some deeper yearning to understand themselves and to find some resolution of their own wounding, and there was definitely a layer of that for me. But I was so deeply fascinated by this work and ravenously consuming so much of it on a personal level, particularly owing to the relationship that I was in at the time, which was very challenging. And so even though it didn't really make much sense, and even though my ego was really scared and wanted me to stay on that very predictable, well worn path, that was a guarantee of success in a conventional sense, I made the decision to leave, to quit my job and to start from scratch. I enrolled in a coaching certification and I threw myself into learning everything that I could about relationships, about coaching as a methodology, about the nervous system, about sexuality and so many other things that kind of branch off all of that, and it was kind of terrifying, but it was also very thrilling. And I felt this deep sense of alignment and rightness for the first time in my life, well, certainly for the first time in many years at that point, and it didn't make sense to a lot of people. A lot of people thought that it was kind of rogue of me, and I suppose it maybe was that it was very unconventional, that it was very risky.
[00:12:04]:
I had a lot of people around me projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me of what if it doesn't work, and how will you know what to do? And how will you make money? How will you find clients? All of these things? And I didn't really have the answer to that, to be honest. I just had this sense of trust that I was going to figure it out and that it was going to be okay. And that wasn't a trust or an expectation that it was going to be easy, that it was going to be seamless or that it was going to be linear. But I did have this sense of rightness about it that allowed me to, I suppose, drown out a lot of that stuff that I was getting from people around me and just keep putting 1ft in front of the other. And so that's what I did. And it wasn't easy, but it was really thrilling. It was exhilarating. And even in those very early days, I felt this sense of total gratitude towards myself that I was taking steps in the direction of a life that I could be proud of.
[00:13:13]:
And not long after that, I also ended the relationship that I was in at the time. And I think a part of me knew that those things would probably go hand in hand, and that I kind of just needed maybe the confidence boost or needed to work on myself for a bit in order that I would be ready to leave that relationship, even though I knew deep down that I needed to and that that had to happen. And fast forward. I say fast forward as if that all happened very quickly and easily. But fast forward to now. And I've built this incredible business helping people all over the world by sharing my own story, my own insights, the things that I've learned, having taught and worked with thousands of people through coaching, through my online programmes. So many really beautiful things have happened since making that decision in the direction of the life that I wanted, through choosing courage rather than the comfortable or easy thing, and really deciding that I wanted to close the gap between my values and the way I was living. Because that gap was pretty big for a while there and it didn't feel good.
[00:14:41]:
It felt really, really deeply uncomfortable. And I felt so much shame and lack of self respect in a way that was very, very uninspiring and heavy and really dragged me down. And so I suppose I share all of that a to give you a bit more of a background to my story, in case you weren't familiar, but also maybe to inspire, because it's not about telling everyone that you need to go and quit your job, but I think for those of you, and you'll know if you're hearing this, I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. I think for those of us who feel that pull, feel that little nudge from within, that whisper saying, there's more, right? There has to be more. If life feels uninspiring or small, or like there's something big tugging at you and calling you forward, I think to ignore that voice and to keep ourselves cloistered or imprisoned by fear or convention or expectation, whether ours or someone else's, there is no grief greater than that. To silence that voice within that's telling us to be bold, to be creative, to take risks, to build a life that we're really proud of. And so if you're listening to this and that is you, and you know that there's something. You know that you're on the brink of change and you're standing at a fork in the road, and there's the easy, low risk, comfortable, familiar thing, and then there's the scary thing that excites you and that feels expansive and inspiring, and that your whole being lights up just to think about it, just know that you will very, very rarely, if ever, regret doing the courageous thing.
[00:16:42]:
And I deeply believe that to be true. Because even if it doesn't work out as you planned, even if there are bumps in the road and setbacks, and there will be. There will be setbacks, you will fall off the horse. But the sense of inner peace, alignment, unity, freedom that you get from backing yourself and from trusting yourself and from honouring what is true for you, your desires, your yearnings, that is something that is so precious. And so I really do think that it's very, very hard to regret making a choice that is based on that, based on your values, based on your deep yearnings and desires, based on what you feel is deeply true for you. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about as we close out 2023 and we turn over a new leaf, turn over a new page and enter 2024 with all of its possibilities and unknowns. Just know that it's what you make it and it is a blank page. And that's not to say that you need to overhaul your life in order to be good or doing the right thing, or valuable or worthy, or any of that.
[00:18:08]:
But as I said, for those of you who know that this message is for you, I really, really encourage you to go for it, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it's leaving a job, maybe it's taking a job, maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe it's starting a relationship, maybe it's starting therapy. Maybe it's joining a gym, maybe it's committing to getting strong, moving your body, or changing your habits. All of these things that you know are waiting for you. And you know that the life that you desire is on the other side of those commitments and those choices and those steps. Take the steps. Give that gift to yourself.
[00:18:45]:
When you know that your agency and your self discipline and your showing up is the only thing really standing in the way of you and the future self that you really want to become. Please do yourself the honour. Give yourself the gift of being brave and being courageous, of no longer hiding, no longer playing small, no longer saying that you can't, no longer having a lack of faith in yourself because it's in your hands. 2024 is just around the corner. So really think about that and get intentional about what you want to create this year and how very different your life could look a year from now. So I'm sending you so much love on this, the 31 December, and so much gratitude again for your support of the podcast and my work this past year and more broadly. It is in large part thanks to you that I feel so very overjoyed and grateful and proud of the life and the work that I find myself surrounded by. So thank you for your part in contributing to that sense of pride and satisfaction that I'm able to feel into as I look around and take stock.
[00:20:10]:
I'm wishing you the most beautiful, safe, peaceful, restorative new year, and I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Thanks guys.
[00:20:21]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.
On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
Trust and Vulnerability: Choosing to Embrace the Risk
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, trust is the golden thread that holds everything together. It's the foundation upon which we build connections that feel peaceful, secure, and authentic. However, the vulnerability of trust and the associated fear and uncertainty can often leave us in a state of hesitation. In this episode, we delve into the complex interplay between trust, risk, and vulnerability and explore the empowering act of choosing trust in our relationships, despite the absence of guarantees.
The Collision of Fear and Trust
At the heart of the matter lies the collision between fear and trust. Our innate fear seeks certainty - a safeguard against the unknown and the uncontrollable. It recoils from the murky grey areas of uncertainty, striving to derisk every aspect of our lives in pursuit of a guaranteed shield against potential harm. This desire to eliminate risk roots itself deeply in our behaviours, particularly for those who grapple with anxious attachment. The perpetual quest to preemptively avert any potential harm leads to hyper-vigilance, the need for constant reassurance, and a pervasive sense of mistrust.
The Illusion of Control
However, the irony lies in the ineffectiveness of these controlling behaviours. While they stem from a well-intentioned drive to protect oneself, they can inadvertently sabotage the very connections we seek to preserve. The relentless pursuit of certainty and the hyper-focus on potential problems obscure the true essence of our relationships, overshadowing the joy and positivity that exists within them. It's akin to grappling with a rope tied to an immovable brick wall – a futile exertion of energy that only serves to drain us further.
The Liberating Truth
Amidst the turmoil of uncertainty, a liberating truth emerges – there are no guarantees in love and relationships. Love, by its very nature, is inherently vulnerable and risky. No matter how much we delve into the realms of control, the unpredictability of life remains unscathed. Embracing this reality can be both terrifying and empowering. It entails acknowledging that while we cannot foresee the future or prevent hurt, we do have the agency to choose our approach to trust.
Choosing Trust as an Action
Rather than waiting for a sense of trust to manifest as a feeling, we can actively choose trust as an intentional action. This perspective reframes trust as a conscious decision we make, irrespective of the lingering uncertainties. It's a shift from the arduous pursuit of an elusive feeling to embracing trust as a deliberate and open-hearted choice. This shift in mindset allows us to release the need for absolute certainty, liberating ourselves from the exhausting burden of attempting to control the uncontrollable.
The Path to Embracing Vulnerability
By acknowledging that trust is not risk-free, we set ourselves on a path of embracing vulnerability. We accept that trust involves inherent risks and uncertainties, transcending the paralysing grip of suspicion and fear. This realisation empowers us to relinquish the need for constant vigilance and control. It enables us to tread towards open-hearted trust, creating an environment that fosters joy, peace, and gratitude within our relationships.
Conclusion
In the intricate dance of trust, risk, and vulnerability, the power to choose trust emerges as a transformative force. By shedding the weight of futile control, we liberate ourselves to embrace the vulnerability of trust. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, our agency to consciously choose trust becomes our compass, leading us towards authentic, thriving relationships. In this pursuit, we unearth the freedom to release the grip of fear, fostering an environment that nurtures connection, empathy, and genuine understanding – one intentional choice at a time.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when your fear of uncertainty and unpredictability influenced your behaviour in a relationship. How did this fear impact your ability to trust and be vulnerable?
Consider the concept of risk in relationships. Do you tend to view risk as inherently negative? How can embracing the vulnerability of trust lead to growth and connection in relationships, despite the inherent risks involved?
Have you experienced a situation where your efforts to control and avoid potential hurt in a relationship led to unintended negative consequences? What did you learn from this experience?
How does the pursuit of certainty and guarantees in relationships affect your ability to experience joy and peace? Can you recall times when letting go of the need for certainty brought unexpected positive outcomes?
Have you ever struggled with waiting to feel trust before extending trust in a relationship? How might the act of choosing trust as an action, rather than waiting for a feeling, shift your approach to building trust in your relationships?
Think about past experiences where fear and suspicion overshadowed the goodness in your relationships. How might adopting a more open-hearted approach to trust enhance your ability to appreciate and nurture the positive aspects of your relationships?
Consider the phrase "I have trust issues." How might reframing this as "I am choosing to trust" empower you to shift your relationship with trust? What challenges might arise in making this shift, and how do you think could overcome them?
Explore the idea of self-trust and its connection to trusting others. How does your level of self-trust impact your capacity to extend trust to others? In what ways could developing self-trust enhance your ability to choose trust in your relationships?
Reflect on the notion of relinquishing control in relationships. How might releasing the metaphorical "rope" of control and embracing vulnerability free up emotional energy and create space for deeper connection and personal growth?
Finally, consider the impact of fear and hyper-vigilance on your well-being and relationships. Can you pinpoint instances where suspicion and fear overshadowed your ability to experience peace? How might choosing trust over fear contribute to your overall sense of well-being in relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about trust and the vulnerability of trust, and yet its absolute importance if we want to build secure relationships that feel peaceful and connected and not riddled with fear. So today's episode is going to be a short and sweet one, and I apologise that it's a couple of days later than it would usually be. I'd actually recorded a whole different episode on breakups and discovered that when I went to edit it, there had been a tech issue and half of it had been lost. So I was back to the drawing board and decided to pivot and talk about something different. So I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic today because it came up from a question from a client, and I think it's a question that really will resonate with so many people.
[00:01:20]:
People who struggle with anxious attachment, people who struggle with trusting that someone could really be interested in them, trusting in the reliability of a connection, that something bad isn't always lurking around the corner. And when we notice those fears coming up and all the behaviours, it can drive us to really being able to consciously reframe the way we think about trust and empowering ourselves to choose trust rather than to wait to feel it. That's what I really want to share about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to very quickly share and thank you all because we just crossed over 3 million downloads on the podcast at the start of this year, when I'd set some goals, I put down a goal of 2 million downloads for the podcast by the end of the year. And at the time of doing that, in the beginning of January, we had about 500,000. We just crossed over 500,000 downloads. So to be sitting here on the 22 December with 3 million downloads is pretty incredible. And I'm just so, so grateful for all of you, your ongoing support, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or whether you've been here since the beginning.
[00:02:37]:
Thank you. Thank you for listening, for your beautiful reviews and shares and reflections, for the messages you send me. I feel really, really honoured and humbled that I get to do this and impact so many people all over the world with this work. So a big thank you from me. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about trust and vulnerability. Now, I think what's so important to understand is there's this tension between trust and vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, right? And our fear wants certainty always. Our fear doesn't like the murky grey space of I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not in control.
[00:03:25]:
And yet that is fundamental to the nature of trust and the vulnerability of trust. Right? Our fear wants us to derisk everything to the point where we have all but a guarantee that nothing bad is going to happen. Right?
[00:03:41]:
That's what so many of our behaviours in relationship. If you're someone who struggles with anxiety and struggles with trust, so many of our behaviours come down to that quest to eliminate risk and to make sure that we don't get hurt, when really we can never do that. And ironically, so many of those behaviours that we might engage in in furthering that end actually have the opposite effect, in that we might undermine a connection or we might drive someone away, when really there wasn't whatever problem existed in the first place. Maybe there wasn't one, maybe it was sort of a figment of our imagination, or maybe it wasn't as big as it felt to us, because our fear will always magnify these things and catastrophize and make us believe that something relatively minor or easy to work through is actually doomsday scenario. Everything's going to fall to a million pieces. So recognising that, oftentimes, while our fear has the best of intentions, and it absolutely does, right, this is not something to shame ourselves over and to say, oh, I just wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't so afraid or untrusting or anxious, really, that part of you is working overtime to try and keep you safe, and that's a beautiful thing. But the problem is, it can often have the effect of almost becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly on the lookout for something bad that's going to happen and you're always testing someone or asking them for more and more and more reassurance, that behaviour can have the effect of driving people away because it can lead them to feel accused or like they're not being trusted, when they haven't done anything wrong, and all of those things.
[00:05:26]:
So recognising that, recognising this complex interplay between fear and trust and vulnerability and uncertainty and I suppose recognising the simple truth, which I find to be quite liberating, you might find it to be terrifying, but hopefully you find some liberation in it, is that there are no guarantees. And love is inherently risky and vulnerable. And no matter what you do, no matter how much information you gather, no matter how many questions you ask or how much snooping you engage in, no matter what someone says to you or doesn't say to you, there are still no guarantees that you won't get hurt, that they won't leave you, that you won't get rejected, that you'll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees. Anything could happen. It's outside of our control or our ability to predict. And so really all we can do is choose. How do I want to show up today? How do I want to be today, knowing that's what's within my control? Now, this doesn't mean being blind as to circumstances that are not working for us.
[00:06:44]:
If there are known breaches of trust and we know that's impacting our sense of safety in the relationship, if there are problematic behaviours that we're clearly not comfortable with, in no way am I suggesting that you just put your blinders on and keep choosing to trust and trust and trust. But in the absence of those things, and if it's just this lingering sense of worry or anxiety that something bad could happen, then I'd really encourage you to see that for what it is, to recognise that, yes, your fear is trying to keep you safe. But at the same time, safe probably means disconnected. And safe probably means living in this unrealistic, illusory world where you have certainty and it's just not attainable, it's not compatible with the vulnerability of being in relationship. Because relationships are vulnerable and they do involve risks and unknowns and uncertainty. But when we make our peace with that and we realise what is actually within our control, then it's a huge relief to our system because we're working overtime to try and control things that we can't. And that is really exhausting. And it really does block connection, it really does keep us so stuck in fear.
[00:08:04]:
And I think, most importantly, it stops us from seeing all the good in our relationship because we're so laser focused on magnifying the bad and on scrutinising every little thing that could become a problem in the future. We miss a lot of the goodness that's in front of us and that's a real shame because that's the stuff that we need to be, not only seeing and appreciating and soaking up and receiving, but actively nurturing. And there tends not to be a lot of space or capacity in our system to do that when we're so clouded by fear. So all of that to say, what I really want to emphasise for you, is that rather than waiting for trust to arrive as some sort of feeling, right, and I get so many questions like this, I'm not sure if I can trust them. How will I know if I trust them? I get the same questions about love. How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if I'm in love? I think we really rack our brains trying to decipher how will I know when I have a feeling or if I don't have a feeling? How do I make myself have a feeling, or I do have a feeling, and how do I make myself stop having a feeling? And I think that that's a pretty futile exercise most of the time, partly because it means something different to all of us. What you're saying when you ask me how do I know if I'm in love with someone, it might be completely different for you than it is for me. And it is so abstract and subjective.
[00:09:35]:
But more than that, even if we did have some sort of universal, clear definition of those things, which we don't, trying to force a feeling one way or the other, trying to force ourselves to feel something that we don't, or trying to force ourselves to not feel something that we do, usually doesn't work very well. And I'm sure if you've tried that, you would know that that tends not to be very effective. And if anything, just causes us more stress because we're kind of pushing against what is within ourselves. So rather than trying to force a feeling of trust, or wait for a feeling of trust before you extend an action of trust or create an environment of trust in your relationship, what would it be like to treat trust as an action that you can choose? Right. Trust is a choice that I make. This is something that has been really helpful for me in my current relationship and previous relationships. There was this sense of either I can be in hyper vigilance and I can be in this mode of waiting for something bad to happen and being on the lookout for that, and being in this sort of anticipatory, braced position, or I can just let go and I can choose to trust. And either way, I can't prevent something bad from happening. Right?
[00:10:54]:
But I know what it costs me to do the former thing rather than the latter thing on a day to day basis in my relationship. I know what it costs me to not trust, to not choose trust, because it is not a very nice internal experience for me and it doesn't create a very nice relational environment as between me and a partner, to be in that mode of anxiety and mistrust and seeking to control things that I can't so recognising either way. And again, I hope this is liberating, but it might be really terrifying. You can engage in all of the controlling behaviours that you want, all of the snooping and the detective playing and the seeking reassurance and the testing. And even still, it is not going to change whether or not you can trust your partner, right? It's not going to change whether something bad happens or not. You can't derisk with those sorts of controlling behaviours, but you can cause a lot of damage to yourself and to your relationship. So what would it be like if you just chose to trust and to let go? It's sort of like I heard a visual on another podcast and I can't remember exactly where it was, but it's sort of this image of imagining a brick wall with a rope attached to it. And you're just spending all day long pulling on this rope that's clearly not going anywhere, right? It's fixed to a brick wall.
[00:12:22]:
What would it be like to just let go? And how much energy would that free up? How much space would you create to do other things and to feel other things, to receive other things, if you weren't spending so much time pulling on that rope? So something to think about. Trust is not risk free. In fact, it always involves risk. So rather than waiting to feel trust in a way that feels completely safe and risk free because you probably will never get there, can you instead step towards the vulnerability of choosing trust, knowing that either way, you cannot control the outcome, you cannot predict the future? There are no guarantees, but you have a much greater chance of finding joy and peace and gratitude today and tomorrow and the next day if you are living from an open hearted place of trust, rather than a closed hearted place of suspicion and fear and hyper vigilance and aversion to any risk or vulnerability. So I hope that that has given you something to think about and has been a helpful reframe on something that a lot of us, I think, struggle with. And it is a struggle. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not saying that you just flip a switch and all of a sudden your quote, unquote trust issues are going to dissolve into a puddle but I think it's a much more empowering way to relate to trust than just telling ourselves, well, I have trust issues, or I'm not good at that, or how do I know if I can trust someone? Just choosing, right? Just choosing and seeing what happens, I think is a really beautiful, freeing way to approach it.
[00:14:11]:
So I hope that you all have a really beautiful holiday season spending time with whoever you're spending time with. Stay safe, take good care of yourselves, and I will see you again next week for our last episode of the year, which is very, very exciting. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm so grateful for you have a beautiful, festive season, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I.
[00:14:59]:
Hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, trust, vulnerability, secure relationships, fear, anxiety, insecure attachment, reliability, connection, breakups, fear in relationships, gratitude, trust issues, love, control, certainty, risk, uncertainty, choosing trust, suspicion, hyper vigilance, open hearted trust, joy in relationships, peace in relationships, holiday season, festive season, self care, Instagram, podcast, reviews
3 Relationship Superpowers
In today's episode, we're unpacking three relationship superpowers (which frankly are also life superpowers!). These are the skills and mindset pieces that I wish for everyone to be cultivating as they walk the path of becoming more secure in themselves and in their partnerships.
In today's episode, we're unpacking three relationship superpowers (which frankly are also life superpowers!). These are the skills and mindset pieces that I wish for everyone to be cultivating as they walk the path of becoming more secure in themselves and in their partnerships.
Mastering the Relationship Superpowers: Discernment, Humility, and Perspective
In the landscape of relationships, certain qualities act as superpowers, allowing us to navigate the complex terrain of emotional connections with greater resilience and harmony. These so-called relationship superpowers — discernment, humility and perspective — are not limited to romantic bonds. Their impact extends to various facets of life. However, when cultivated within the context of relationships, these traits hold the potential to wield significant positive influence over the dynamics, energy, and internal landscapes of partnerships.
The Power of Discernment
At the core of discernment lies the invaluable attribute of self-trust. When one develops discernment, they arrive at a place where they can trust their own judgment, even in circumstances characterised by nuance and complexity. Empowered with discernment, individuals can refrain from the compulsion to seek perfect answers from external sources.
Instead, they are equipped with the ability to exercise judgment and make decisions based on a multifaceted understanding of the situation. This involves a conscious effort to resist the allure of simplifying complex scenarios and to embrace nuance and multiple perspectives.
Furthermore, the skill of discernment is keenly intertwined with the recognition of personal agency. For those grappling with insecurities rooted in attachment patterns, nurturing discernment can lead to a significant reduction in impulsive reactions driven by fear and anxiety.
By learning to trust our judgment, we become less likely to be shackled by an apprehensive, binary mindset, and are more inclined towards curiosity, empathy, and a balanced approach towards our relationships.
The Role of Humility
Humility emerges as a crucial relationship superpower, particularly for individuals with anxious-leaning attachment patterns. The inherent tendency to assume an all-encompassing understanding of a partner's emotions and needs can be rooted in an arrogance that undermines the partner's agency and autonomy.
By exercising humility, we can refrain from assuming an authoritative stance over our partner's experiences and emotions, and can adopt a more receptive and open-minded approach. This embrace of humility fosters an environment where partners have the freedom to chart their own paths. It serves as a liberating force, dispelling the burden of responsibility for influencing and dictating the partner's emotions, actions, and decisions.
Nurturing a Perspective
In times of fear and insecurity, individuals often find themselves trapped in a cycle of hyper-focused attention on minor details, which subsequently leads to overblown, catastrophic interpretations. In developing the superpower of perspective, one can elevate their gaze beyond the micro-moments of conflict and disillusionment. By adopting a perspective-oriented approach, individuals can train themselves to resist catastrophizing minor disturbances and, instead, broaden their view to encompass the inherent imperfections and the ebbs and flows that characterise every relationship.
The adept management of perspective involves a conscious effort to recalibrate the narrative from an inherently negative bias to an understanding rooted in gratitude and contentment. This shift in focus serves as a counterbalance to the hyper-vigilant over-analysis of negative events, thereby creating space for recognising the value and positivity inherent in the relationship.
Integration of Relationship Superpowers
The integration of discernment, humility, and perspective as relationship superpowers presents a transformative opportunity for individuals navigating the often intricate and demanding terrain of emotional connections. By cultivating discernment, individuals can alleviate the grip of anxiety-driven reactions and foster a culture of transparency, empathy, and understanding within their relationships. The infusion of humility serves as a force for dispelling the tendency to assume control over a partner's emotions and experiences while embracing an open, receptive stance towards surprises and individual autonomy.
Moreover, the integration of perspective reorients the internal dialogue from a fear-driven narrative to one rooted in gratitude and acceptance of the imperfections inherent in every relationship. This collective integration of relationship superpowers sets the stage for a profound recalibration, allowing individuals to engage in their relationships with a renewed sense of resilience, harmony, and interconnectedness.
Conclusion
The trilogy of discernment, humility, and perspective, when embraced as relationship superpowers, serves as an indispensable compass for individuals seeking to navigate the unpredictable yet wondrous realm of human connection. While their impact extends beyond the confines of relationships, their cultivation within this sphere unfurls the potential for transformative growth, resilience, and harmony.
As we embrace the guiding ethos of discernment, humility, and perspective, the journey towards fostering healthy and thriving relationships becomes illuminated with the promise of self-confidence, empathy and profound interconnectedness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does your level of self-trust impact your ability to exercise discernment in your relationships? Have there been instances where your lack of self-trust has affected your judgment in a relationship?
Can you recall a time when you felt compelled to influence or control your partner's emotions, decisions, or actions? How did this impact your relationship? In what ways do you believe humility could have helped the situation?
Reflect on a recent conflict or disagreement in your relationship. How did your ability to keep things in perspective (or lack thereof) influence the outcome and your emotional well-being?
Have you ever found yourself magnifying a minor issue in your relationship, leading to catastrophic conclusions? How do you think cultivating more perspective could help in such situations?
Do you tend to fixate on finding the "perfect" decision in your relationships, fearing the consequences of making the "wrong" choice? How might practising discernment and humility alleviate this fear and shift your approach to decision-making?
Think about a time when your lack of humility impacted your relationship. How might staying humble have changed the dynamics of that situation?
Reflect on a recent relationship challenge - how might you have used discernment, humility, or perspective to approach the situation differently?
Do you feel that your fear or anxiety narrows your perspective in your relationships? How might expanding your perspective lead to healthier, more balanced interactions with your partner?
In what ways do you see the concepts of discernment, humility, and perspective intertwining to create a healthier relationship dynamic? Can you think of a situation where these powers worked together positively in your relationship?
Think about a time when you successfully exercised discernment, humility, or perspective in your relationship. How did it impact the outcome? What did you learn from that experience?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about three relationship superpowers. Now, as I say that, and as I was planning for this episode, I was thinking it could just as easily be three life superpowers because the things that I'm going to share with you today are not specific to relationships. But this being a podcast largely about relationships, I thought I'd frame it in that context because I think that the skills that I'm going to share with you today, these attributes that we can all and should all be seeking to develop within ourselves, are really, really powerful in that arena of relationships, in shifting how we show up the energy that we bring to the relationships and our internal relationship, which has really beautiful knock on effects in our broader relationship.
[00:01:24]:
So the things that I'm going to be sharing today are really I was on a Q-A call for healing anxious attachment earlier this week, and I was saying to the students, if I could wave a magic wand and bestow upon you one skill or a handful of skills, it would be these. Because I'm very much of the view that becoming self confident and really resilient in ourselves and in our relationships is about learning to stand an hour and 2ft. Which is why I'll often be reluctant to give people very specific, instructive advice on what to do in a particular situation, because it's almost that old saying of give a man a fish and feed him for a day or teach him how to fish and feed him for a lifetime. And so my approach with my clients and students is always to try and teach you how to fish. And that's kind of going to be the crux of what these three relationship superpowers get at that I'm going to share with you shortly. So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a very quick reminder that healing anxious attachment is still open for registration. I'm going to leave it open for another week or so for this round if you are wanting to join.
[00:02:45]:
Really great time to do it. I will probably run the course once more before I have a baby in May next year, but I'm not really sure what the format will be. It will probably be less interactive than the current round, just because I'm trying to manage my capacity and energy in the lead up to having a baby. So the current round has a live community. We had a live Q a call, as I said earlier this week, and we may well have another one. So it is a really great round to join. And if anyone has been interested in the programme, there may be limited opportunities between now and may next year. And then I'll be taking a bit of a break.
[00:03:22]:
So time is of the essence. And all of that is linked in the show notes and on my website, of course. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around three relationship superpowers. So the first one that I want to share with you is the power of discernment. Now, I think discernment is really inextricably linked to self trust, and I think it builds self trust. And in turn, as we build self trust, we hone our power of discernment. Now, I think discernment, maybe it's hard to define. I think to me it's around judgement.
[00:03:59]:
Can I make a judgement call on a situation that is nuanced and messy, and trust in my ability to do that, rather than needing to find the perfect answer and oftentimes source that answer from something outside of myself. So as much as I love receiving questions from my community, and I do that each week on Instagram, I'll put out a question box and people ask me questions. And I love to guide people to hone their discernment through illustrating how I would approach an issue. And I think that that can be really useful, giving illustrative examples of that. At the same time, I'm always very reluctant or hesitant to stipulate to someone specifically what they should do in a situation. Right. You'll notice, if you do listen to me, giving people feedback or guidance on a situation that often, I will put it back to them and I'll ask them, what does it feel like to you? Or what is it that you're wanting? Or if someone asks me, does it matter that this is happening? Or should I be worried about that? And I'll often put it back on them and say, will you tell me? Right. Because as I alluded to in the introduction, I really don't want people to have reinforced an already existing tendency to rely on something outside of themselves to provide the answers for what is right for them, what is true for them, and what they need to do.
[00:05:26]:
Because I think the more we do that, the more we rely on that. And the less we trust ourselves, the less we trust our own judgement. Because it really is only in practising that that we start to go, oh, okay, I can wade into the messy waters of a complex situation and I can survey the landscape and I can consider all of the shades of grey that might exist here and I can come up with a good enough solution for me, which will probably be the best solution for me in any given moment. I think that so often our reluctance to exercise our own judgement and trust our own judgement is because we are attached to this idea of there being a perfect decision or a right decision, and that the right decision is one where we will get the outcome that we want or we won't have any regret, that we'll secure a certain course of events or trajectory that will follow from that decision. And I think that really is an illusion that is grounded in a need for control. And often it's only in hindsight we go, oh, that didn't pan out the ways that I was hoping. Therefore it was the wrong decision. Whereas I think the more emotionally mature and self trusting version of that is I made the best decision I could based on what I knew at the time.
[00:06:44]:
And that was still the right decision, even though it might not have played out the way that I had anticipated or hoped for. And so I think the ability to be discerning is all of that. It's being able to trust our judgement. It's taking in all of the facts of a situation rather than jumping to conclusions or acting impulsively. It's recognising the existence of nuance and multiple perspectives and perceptions of a situation, rather than being so attached to our own story that we can't actually see beyond it. It's almost like zooming out from a situation and doing like a 360 degree revolution of a situation and going, oh, okay. There's more here than what I initially realised. I think also when it comes to discernment, we're able to do that more readily and more confidently when we recognise that we have agency.
[00:07:43]:
I think that if you're someone who struggles to trust your own judgement, because maybe you've wound up in situations previously where you ignored your judgement and then you persisted in a dynamic that was unhealthy or that you didn't have a good feeling about, but for whatever reason you stayed in it or any number of other things, maybe you really thought something was great and it turned out not to be. And so that kind of chips away at your trust in your own judgement and discernment and while all of that makes a lot of sense, of course our experience in the past is going to inform how we feel in the present and how we approach the future. I think that the more we remind ourselves of our agency, of our power to choose in a moment to moment way, it kind of counteracts that fear story that says if you don't make the perfect decision, you are going to be trapped. And so when we have the discernment and go, yeah, okay, I'm going to make the best decision I can or I'm going to see this situation in a way that's murky and messy and nuanced. And I recognise that I can continue to fine tune that, to finesse that, to pivot as needed. I'm not locking myself into anything, I'm not going to be trapped, I'm not going to be powerless, because I think that is what our fear would have us believe. And of course that's really frightening if we think that making a decision is tantamount to locking ourselves into something that's potentially really not what we want. So hopefully it's clear, as I share some thoughts on discernment, why that's so powerful in a relationship.
[00:09:17]:
I think for most everyone who falls on the spectrum of insecure attachment, whether it's anxious leaning, avoidant leaning or some combination of the two, the ability to trust ourselves, to trust our judgement, to trust in our ability to be discerning, is underdeveloped or impaired much of the time. And so when we start to build that up, we're much less likely to react impulsively, to panic and let our fear grab the wheel and be in the driver's seat of our relationships. As so often happens, we're able to give our partner the benefit of the doubt in a way that we probably struggle to when we are stuck in a really either or blame driven mindset, or one that needs to figure out who the villain is, figure out who the bad guy is and proceed on that basis. When we can be discerning and we can slow down and get curious and then trust our own judgement and trust ourselves to behave in a way that is aligned and in integrity and grounded, then there's much less urgency to our relationships because it feels like we can act in a way that is honouring of us and them and the relationship itself, without needing to be inherently self protective or defensive or attacking or any of those other things. I think discernment really is hugely valuable, as I said, for ourselves and our own relationship and inner environment of self trust but also when it comes to our relationships and our capacity to see what is happening in our relationships with clarity and to trust in our ability to know what to do next. Okay, the second relationship superpower that I want to share with you is humility. So again, I think that I've probably spoken about this many times on the show, but one of the most valuable and the most challenging things that we can do in our relationships is stay humble. For those of us who are more anxious, leaning in our attachment patterns, there's a real tendency to think that we know everything that's going on in our partner and we know what they need and we know that better than they do.
[00:11:32]:
And I think that that flows from the fact that we spend so much time thinking about it, right? If we've done all of the ruminating and the wondering and the hypothesising and the strategizing, and we've read all the books and we've listened to all the podcasts and we've done all this stuff, we really feel like we've equipped ourselves with a lot of information. And when we combine that with our baseline level of sensitivity and attunement, our ability to read those cues and take in a lot of information about someone else's emotional state and feel very tapped into that, it's easy to think that we know their inner world and what they need to do better than they do, and that we know everything about them now, while we might know them really well. And that's a beautiful thing. I think there can be almost an arrogance to that assumption that we know what someone needs more than they do, and that it is our job, our responsibility. It's incumbent upon us to try and influence them in the direction of what we think is best for them, particularly when that runs counter to what they are articulating they need or want. And so it's really important to stay humble, to really sit in the recognition of the fact that you don't know everything, you are not all knowing, and that it actually costs you a lot to try and play the role of puppet master or master influencer in your relationships and taking responsibility for everyone else's emotions and choices and decisions and needs and wants. It's actually very liberating to sit in the humility of recognising. I actually don't know.
[00:13:23]:
I don't know what they're thinking or feeling beyond what they tell me. I can do all of the psychoanalysing that I want and say, oh, they're just doing this because they're scared of that, and you might be right, but you might be wrong. And I think the part of us that really wants to establish certainty and wants to feel a sense of control by having a clear picture of what's going on and what's true and make it all make sense in a way that makes us feel comfortable, can really take us away from that place of humility. And this is not easy to do. This is something that I absolutely have to keep an eye on within myself, particularly doing this work. As you can imagine, it's easy for me to get kind of arrogant and assume that I know my partner and other people in my life, that I know what's going on for them before they do, or at a level that they haven't quite grasped, and again, might be right, but it could very well be wrong. And it's actually much more freeing for me to not go into that realm of needing to figure it out on someone's behalf, of letting them walk their own path, of letting them be on their own trajectory and actually not meddling or interfering with that, as I said, to influence it in the direction of what I think is best or what would be most comfortable for me, which is ultimately quite a self serving agenda. So staying humble, staying curious, being open to being surprised by someone, rather than feeling like you need to have it all figured out and that you need to provide all of the solutions and all of the insights.
[00:15:00]:
Let your partner and let others in your life surprise you. Okay? And last but not least, the third relationship superpower that I want to share with you is perspective. So I think that when we are in fear, in insecurity, in anxiety, in stress, our field of vision narrows and we get very zoomed in on micro moments. It might be one small comment that your partner says, and all of a sudden you're doubting the future of the relationship. You're wondering if things are always going to be like this, and how could they do that? And does the fact that they said this or thought that, or behaved in that way mean that they don't love you, they don't care about you, they're actually not a good partner for you? We take something very little, and then we extrapolate it to really big, generalised, universal conclusions and projections that tend to be fear driven. Right? They tend to be catastrophic, they tend not to be. It's very rare that we're taking a micro moment and then extrapolating it to be something really beautiful and global. It's almost always a dark, negative spin on what's happening and I think that it's so important to.
[00:16:10]:
It kind of links back with discernment. And I had a question from someone in healing anxious attachment, asking how do I know when to let things go versus when to bring something up that I'm bothered by. And I think that is a question that cultivating that power of discernment will really help you with situations like that. Trusting your own judgement, but also keeping things in perspective. Because I think if you're talking about building a long term relationship with someone, a relationship that is notionally for life, or at least for the long term, then do you really want to be fixating on and dragging yourself through the mud on every single little thing that happens, every moment of temporary rupture or disconnection? Now, it's not to say that we want to create a relationship culture where we're routinely sweeping things under the rug that are building up and causing resentment and stress and disconnection kind of rumbling underneath the surface. But at the same time, I think, again, there can be some liberation and some spaciousness in keeping things in perspective and going okay, my partner and I were a bit irritable at each other this morning, and that's okay because we have a beautiful relationship and I don't have to. For me personally, it's been very relieving for me to adopt an approach of keeping things in perspective, of reminding myself if I get upset with Joel or something, he just bothers me. Reminding myself that I love this person and they are a good person and all of the things that are really great about our relationship, so that I don't go so easily into that doom spiral of, oh, this one thing that he does or did makes him a bad person, makes our relationship wrong, means that it's only going to get worse from here and I'm going to be trapped.
[00:18:02]:
All of that is so, it's such an easy, slippery slope to go down, and it inevitably, invariably makes you feel worse. So rather than doing that, can we keep it in perspective? Can we keep the moment or the little thing as the little thing that it is, rather than blowing it up into a big thing and just see what that feels like? Because I think the hyper vigilant part of us, the part that is always on the lookout for danger, is going to blow those things up and wave a really big red flag and go, you need to be on high alert for this thing, and you need to make sure it never happens again and go into all of your full protective force on putting out every single little spotfire that might come up. And again, it's about discernment, it's about balancing, because we don't want to be ignoring these things to the point where they really do build up. But I think that there's a lot of value in just letting things go. Not in a way where you are holding onto it internally, but actually letting go of it internally as well. And I think that doing that just means that we're able to almost correct the negative bias that will exist as a baseline for a lot of us, where we are trained to focus on what's wrong or what's missing or what's not enough and what we could use more of. And in choosing to let that go and keep things in perspective, we can sort of retrain ourselves to recognise all that is good and all that we are grateful for and all that we value in our relationship as it is, rather than always focusing on what's missing or what could be better. Because, as you will have heard me say so many times before, relationships are imperfect and there will be seasons of disconnection and there will be ebb and flow.
[00:19:47]:
And I think the more we can accept that and expect that and make our peace with that, then the less anxiety we're going to feel every time there's a bump in the road, every time something comes up and we go to that place of, this is very, very bad and needs to be solved urgently because it's threatening to everything. Can we trust a little more in the fabric of our relationship that we're building, in the foundations that we've created and know that it's okay? It's okay if we have an off day, week or even month in the context of our broader relationship and the thing that we're building, can I trust that we do have stronger foundations than that and come back to the love and the respect and the care that I know exists between us, rather than taking every little thing that happens as evidence for some very catastrophic story that I'm running in my head about how you're going to hurt me or how I'm going to be trapped in an unhappy relationship, or whatever other worst case scenario I've convinced myself of, that I'm subconsciously scanning for evidence of all the time. So keeping things in perspective and letting things go is a very, very liberating practise and one that will pay huge dividends in the overall energy and tone of your relationship and allow you to recalibrate to something that is less focused on the negative and creates, I think, more space and more capacity for you to see all of the value and the richness and the positivity and the goodness that is there in your relationship. So, gosh, I'm out of breath. I am almost five months pregnant. And I tell you what, it's getting harder and harder to record these podcasts without gasping for air all the time. So if you can hear me panting, that is why I hope that this has been helpful. I hope that that's given you something to reflect on these relationship superpowers, life superpowers, if we want to call them that, and given you some food for thought on maybe where you've got room to grow on these.
[00:21:51]:
Maybe where the absence or the underdevelopment of these traits, whether in you or your partner or others in your life, is maybe impacting the relationship and what steps you might start taking in the direction of cultivating more discernment, more humility, and more perspective in yourself and in your relationship. So I really hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, guidance, knowledge, practical tools, insecurity, healthy, thriving, self-confidence, resilience, self-trust, discernment, judgement, nuanced, messy, internal relationship, anxious attachment, interactive, community, humility, arrogance, perspective, fear, stress, hyper vigilant, imperfect relationships, ebb and flow, negative bias, love, respect, pregnancy
Why You Should Prioritise Self-Care in a Relationship
In today's episode, we're talking all about the importance of self-care in a relationship, and how prioritising self-care can (somewhat counterintuitively) be far more nourishing and constructive for the relationship than being overly focused on the relationship itself.
The Overlooked Puzzle Piece in Relationships
When we talk about building healthy relationships, the focus is often on the dynamics between partners, communication, conflict resolution, and meeting each other’s needs. However, the importance of self-care in the context of a relationship is often overlooked. Especially for those of us with more anxious attachment patterns, the tendency to hyper-focus on the relationship and neglect self-care can lead to feelings of emptiness and neediness.
Neglecting Self-Care in Relationships
In times of stress or strain in a relationship, it's common for us to neglect our own well-being and put all our energy into the relationship. This can lead to a downward spiral, where our focus on unmet needs and relationship stress amplifies, inhibiting genuine connection and enjoyment in the relationship. This pattern of overwhelming attention to the relationship dynamics often leads to increased stress, preventing the attainment of genuine needs and inhibiting the natural flow of connection.
The Importance of Self-Care for Those with Anxious Attachment
For those of us with anxious attachment patterns, the relationship tends to serve as the primary source of self-worth and validation, often resulting in a lack of individual identity and self-trust. By prioritising self-care in the context of a relationship, we can develop an embodied sense of self, leading to increased self-confidence and the ability to navigate the world with a genuine sense of empowerment. It shifts the dynamic, allowing for an authentic connection in the relationship and reducing the pressure on the partner to fulfill all emotional needs.
Cultivating a Sense of Self-Trust
By investing in self-care, we can cultivate a deep sense of self-trust and empowerment. This internal strength enables us to face relationship challenges with ease and resilience, significantly altering the energy and dynamic within the partnership. Instead of relying solely on the relationship for validation and emotional stability, when we stand firmly in our self-trust, the relationship becomes an enhancement to our well-being rather than a lifeline.
The Impact of Self-Care on Relationships and Beyond
Prioritising self-care doesn't just benefit the relationship; it permeates into every aspect of life. Increased self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence lead to a transformative shift in worldview and capabilities. When we care for ourselves, we become more capable of navigating life's challenges, thus reducing the stakes on the relationship and external factors. This ripple effect extends to friendships and daily experiences, creating a sense of inner peace and rootedness.
Focusing on Practical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about daily practices that keep us grounded and responsive to our needs. Whether it's maintaining a routine, engaging in activities that provide nourishment, or recognising and addressing stress and dysregulation, practical self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of well-being. By actively investing in self-care, we create space for authentic connection, creativity, and confidence, in addition to reducing the pressure on our partners in the relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Prioritising self-care in a relationship is vital for building a healthy and thriving connection. It empowers us to develop a sense of self-trust, self-identity, and self-worth, thereby reducing the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all emotional needs. This, in turn, leads to increased authenticity, empowerment, and nourishment, not only in the relationship but in all aspects of life. By focusing on practical self-care and nurturing our individual well-being, we can enhance our relationships while also cultivating a greater sense of confidence and resilience in navigating life's challenges.
By embracing self-care, we can reframe our approach to relationships, creating a foundation grounded in self-trust, empowerment, and authentic connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How can prioritising self-care in a relationship help create a healthier and more thriving dynamic?
In what ways can anxious attachment patterns lead individuals to overly focus on the relationship to the exclusion of self-care?
What are some examples of self-care practices that individuals can adopt to nourish themselves and thrive as individuals within a relationship?
How can developing a strong sense of self-trust and self-worth positively impact relationships and one's overall well-being?
What are the potential negative consequences of neglecting self-care in the context of a relationship, especially during stressful times?
Why is it important to find a balance between focusing on the relationship and prioritising individual self-care in a partnership?
How does Stephanie’s perspective on self-care and attachment patterns align with your own experiences or challenges in relationships?
What role does self-care play in mitigating insecurities and fears within a relationship?
How can overly relying on a partner for validation and self-worth impact the dynamics of a relationship, and what strategies can be used to address this?
In what ways can practicing regular self-care influence not only relationship dynamics but also one's interactions with the broader world and sense of self?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I want to share some thoughts about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, I think that this is something that we maybe overlook a lot of the time when we're talking about what it takes to build a healthy relationship, usually we're focusing on the relationship. And that's understandable, that makes sense, that we'd be thinking about the dynamics as between us, our communication, our conflict, how to talk about needs and all of that stuff that is inherently and overtly relational. But I think a really important puzzle piece and particularly for those of us who struggle with more anxious attachment patterns and who very much have that tendency to focus on the relational piece all the time, sometimes to the exclusion of the self piece.
[00:01:22]:
It really can't be overstated how important it is to really focus on the way that you take care of yourself in the context of the relationship, both for your own sake, but also really for the sake of the relationship. So I'm going to share some thoughts on why this is important, what it might look like, what tends to happen when we neglect self care in the context of a relationship. So that you can maybe start to reflect on how you relate to all of that, whether you have those tendencies and those patterns, particularly maybe in times of stress in your relationship when things are feeling strained. We can. Get a little bit lazy or sloppy with our self care. And that can fall by the wayside in favour of putting all of our eggs in the basket of focusing on the relationship. And maybe if that's something that resonates with you throughout today's discussion, you can start to think about what it might be like to recalibrate, to find a bit more of a balance that allows you to stay connected to yourself and really thrive as an individual and in so doing come to your relationship from a place of fullness and vibrancy and vitality rather than one of lack and need and emptiness, which I think is what can happen a lot of the time. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:51]:
Before I do that, just a very quick reminder that you can still sign up for healing, anxious attachment. We've got around 300 people in the current cohort and it's a really, really great round to join. We have a live Q and A next week, which you will be invited to if you join. Between now and then. There's also an online community for this round of the programme, so you get to connect with other people. It's amazing. I've been scrolling through all of the posts people sharing insights and asking for advice, and I've gone to reply only to see that other brilliant people in the group have already said what I would say. So it is a really nice, supportive, really nuanced and intelligent space for discussion and connection with other like minded people.
[00:03:36]:
So I really do encourage you to cheque it out if you're interested. You can find all of that on my website pretty easily and it's also in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, as I've talked about before, I had another episode a few months back around cultivating separateness in a relationship, which I think is a similar idea. But I think for those of us who have more anxiety, anxious attachment when it comes to our relationship patterns, the default mode is going to be to focus all of our attention or a huge percentage of our attention on the relationship. And oftentimes we don't even realise we're doing that because it comes so naturally to us. Of course, I'm in a default to thinking about my relationship and my partner and the things that maybe aren't working or the things that are working, or no matter what, we tend to put a lot of our energy there. And it's not that that's a problem, it's not that we need to not do that.
[00:04:37]:
But as with all things, it can be taken to extremes. And I think that for a lot of us, and particularly as I alluded to in the introduction, for a lot of us, when times feel strained, when our relationship is feeling a little stressful or a little wobbly, which I think for a lot of us with insecure, attachment might be more often than not, just because that's what we're trained to look for. We're trained to look for the things that are wrong, the things that aren't working, the potential warning signs, the unmet needs. That tends to be where our focus goes. We have this really strong negative bias and when that's the case, we tend to amplify our efforts, our investment, our attention on all of those things. And I think that can in turn amplify our stress because so much of our focus is on stressful inputs, right? Are we a good fit for each other? Does my partner love me? Do they care? All of these unmet needs, are they ever going to be met by this person? Am I going to be this stressed forever? All of that kind of stuff can get pretty heavy pretty quickly if that's the weight that you're carrying on your shoulders as you move through day to day life. And I think it really does become a downward spiral because when we're in that space, when we're carrying all of that, and when we're ruminating over it all the time and maybe we're bringing it up in conversation with our partner frequently enough that it feels very front and centre. It feels like it's taking up a lot of space in the relationship.
[00:06:10]:
Then I think that we stop enjoying each other so much, it really inhibits our connection and so it tends to really spiral from there. We're less likely to get our needs met when all we ever do is think about our unmet needs and talk about the things that are wrong. Right? It's not a very inspiring or motivating environment or culture for the relationship. And so I think we have to really look at that. And when you're in it, it can feel impossible to do anything else because to take your eye off the ball, to stop focusing on your relationship and focus on something else, focus on yourself, can feel really unsafe. It can feel like, well, if I don't keep policing all of this, if I'm not vigilant about all the things that are wrong, if I do turn my back on that or turn away from that, then it's all going to fall to pieces. Maybe there's a feeling that it's only being held together by a thread because of your obsessive focus on all of those things. But I think, ironically, I think the truth is, more often than not, it is in releasing the grip, in stepping back, in breathing some oxygen into that relational sphere that we can really freshen things up.
[00:07:27]:
We can change the whole atmosphere and vibe of the relationship into something that feels more spacious, that feels less stressful, that feels like more fertile ground for connection. And so this is where we come to the importance of self care because that dynamic and that pattern that I've just described is really easy to fall into. And when we're there, I think that it's safe to say most of us are probably not focusing on our own well being in that place. We're not focusing on, am I taking really good care of myself? Am I doing all of the things that I know help me to thrive as an individual? I can say from personal experience, when I've had periods like that in my relationships, a lot of that stuff kind of falls away. My own routines, my self care, the ways in which I nourish myself, feel like there's no space for that, there's no time for that. Or maybe I just feel really flat and unmotivated to do those things because the stress feels so overwhelming or feels so much more important than all of those other frivolous things. But I think we have to not take what our stress would have us believe. Sometimes we need to act from a more empowered and wise place that probably knows that that's not really the way.
[00:09:01]:
And so my invitation to you is, what would it be like if you're in that place in your relationship, or even if things aren't really dire at the moment and it's more of a general recalibration that might need to take place? Because your base case, your default mode, is to just be overly the scales are tipped in favour of thinking about your partner in the relationship in a way that leaves you a little bit undernourished. My invitation to you is what would it be like to rebalance that and to start to really actively, intentionally, consciously prioritise your own well being in the relationship? Now, there are a few reasons why I consider this to be a very very fruitful and rewarding thing for most everyone to prioritise in partnership and in your relationship to self. I think the first one is, and this is really important, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns who tend to really derive a lot of their sense of self worth, of identity, of validation, of just feeling okay in the world. If you tend to derive that from your relationship, from your partner, from being tethered to someone, and you tend to navigate the world via the relationship, then disentangling that just enough so that you can stand on your own. 2ft. It's not about becoming siloed from your partner. It's not about swinging to the other extreme of hyper independence and not needing anyone. But it's about cultivating this really embodied sense of actually, I have a separate sense of self and I know who I am and I enjoy my own company.
[00:10:49]:
And there are plenty of things that I can do that I can reach for that I know are really nourishing to me that allow me to move through my day with a sense of vitality and empowerment and general well being. And when you're coming to the relationship or just showing up to life from that place, everything feels not only more easeful and more joyful but I think the side effect is that you cultivate a really effortless self trust that no matter what happens you are resourced and capable to deal with it. So the more that we can build that sense of self up in our relationship, then, especially when times are tough in the relationship, we don't collapse into this really visceral fear of I've got nothing left. I'm a bit of a shell of myself. And so I desperately clutch and cling at this relationship or this person. Because without that, if I were to lose that, I would be losing everything. And that's a very, very vulnerable place to be. And I don't think it's a healthy place to come to relationship from because, of course, that feels terrifying.
[00:12:08]:
Of course if we've not got much else going on in our lives then our relationship does feel extremely all important to the point of I won't be okay if we're not together or if you don't love me or you don't want me or even if the relationship is just feeling bumpy that will cause extreme stress. If you don't have other things going on in your life, if you don't have a strong anchor within yourself that allows you to feel comfortable and confident. It's not about being immune to what's going on in your relationship. It's not about being indifferent to that or not being invested or committed to your relationship, but it's about having this deep sense of I can do this, I can handle what life throws at me. And I think that when we're kind of planted firm on the ground in our self trust in that way, it completely changes the dynamic in our relationship, the energy with which we show up to our relationship. And I think it has really positive ripple effects throughout not only our partnership, but our life, our friendships, everything else. It just lowers the stakes on needing to control all of those things that are outside of ourselves so that nothing bad happens, so that we don't have to face those uncomfortable feelings of emptiness or loneliness or fear. I think when we can shift into feeling really resourced, it sounds a little cliched, but like, filling our bucket really proactively, right? It's not about just having a self care day once a month and putting on a face mask and running a bubble bath.
[00:13:54]:
It might look like that for you, but it could also look like something totally different. I think for me, self care looks like just generally doing all of the things that I do on a day to day basis to keep my nervous system regulated. And to the extent that I feel myself in some Dysregulation or some stress or I feel a little out of kilter, then I'm attuned to that and I'm responsive to that. And I really take responsibility for offering to myself, to my body, whatever I might need in order to come back to centre or in order to feel better equipped to deal with whatever is going on in my life. And I think that the more we outsource that or ignore that, try and press the mute button on whatever our body is telling us, I think that's collectively, what we tend to do until we learn better is we treat all of that feedback from our body anxiety, stress, burnout, overwhelm. We treat those signals as inconvenient messengers to be muted, and we kind of just keep pushing through it. Whereas self care, as I'm referring to it here, is about turning towards those things and recognising that. That is our responsibility to take really good care of ourselves, to prioritise our well being really unashamedly.
[00:15:29]:
And I think that when we do that, ironically, our partner feels so much more willing and able to contribute to our well being to meet our needs, because they're not doing it from this place where there's a gun held to their head and we're bringing this energy of I need this from you or else. That's a lot of pressure. And particularly for someone with more avoidant patterns, that's likely to feel pretty overwhelming, pretty suffocating to have someone almost coercing you or pressuring you into filling them, making them okay, resolving all of their distress, that's a lot of pressure for anyone, but particularly someone with more avoidant patterns. So when we can get to this place where we're okay, we're pretty good on our own, and our relationship gets to be this beautiful thing that enhances our well being, rather than like the only leg propping up the table. It's the only thing giving us meaning, purpose, any sense of feeling okay in the world. That really does have an incredibly profound and positive ripple effect throughout, yes, the relationship. But I would say, more importantly, just the way that you move about the world, your sense of self esteem, self worth, self confidence, self trust, it really does totally revamp your worldview and what you feel capable of. And I think that's an incredibly powerful gift to give to yourself.
[00:17:05]:
So, long story short, if you notice these things within yourself, if you notice that you have that tendency to go all in on your relationship to self abandon, to focus obsessively on all of the little details and ruminating, on what your partner is thinking or feeling or are they meeting my needs or all of these things that we can just get a bit bogged down in, maybe see what it would be like to just put that to one side. Right. It's still going to be there. You don't have to worry that the whole world's going to come crashing down if you spend a week or two pivoting your focus to yourself and just see what it would be like to really go all in on you, on taking very good care of yourself, whatever that means to you. As I said, it doesn't have to be bubble baths and face masks, although it might be. I mean, I love a good bubble bath. It's really not about cliches. It's about tuning in and going, what do I need in this moment to feel more present, more grounded, more safe, more myself, more connected to who I am, where I am in a way that allows me to access all of those things joy, gratitude, and just see what happens from that place.
[00:18:31]:
Because, as I said, I think it's incredibly fertile ground for, yes, connection, but also creativity and self confidence and so many other good things that really pay dividends in so many aspects of life. So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, this is hard stuff, but it is really powerful. So give it a go, let me know what you think, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, self-care, relationships, anxious attachment patterns, insecurity, thriving relationships, healthy relationship, communication, conflict, needs, stress, neglect, recalibrate, well-being, anxious attachment, self-nourishment, vitality, investment, self trust, self worth, identity, validation, empowerment, resourced, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, self trust, self-care routines, nervous system regulation, burnout, overwhelm