"Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?"
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the listener question of "Is it wrong to hope my partner will change?" Wanting to change a partner is something most of us will relate to in one form or another, but it's essential that we understand where this urge is coming from and what it's trying to tell us about ourselves, our partner, and the relationship.
Some of the things we cover:
Wanting to change little things vs big things
How anxious and avoidant attached people differ in wanting to change their partner
Changes that relate to core relationship needs
My advice when you're hoping they'll change without any signs that they want to
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Is it Wrong to Hope My Partner Will Change?
Many people have, at some point in their relationships, wished that their partner would change in some way. Whether it’s wishing they would be more affectionate, communicate better, or even change trivial habits, it’s a common thought. But is it wrong to have these thoughts and desires? Let’s delve into this complex topic and consider some nuanced perspectives.
Understanding the Desire for Change
It’s entirely human to harbour feelings of wishing for change in a partner. Recognising this can alleviate some of the guilt or shame associated with these thoughts. Everyone has moments of frustration or dissatisfaction in a relationship, and at times, it’s easy to believe that if a partner just altered a specific behaviour or trait, things would be perfect. These thoughts are normal, yet it’s crucial to reflect on them rather than act impulsively.
Self-Reflection: Is It My Issue or Theirs?
One primary aspect to consider is how much of the desire for your partner to change stems from your own issues. This self-inquiry involves questioning whether the traits that bother you are minor quirks or fundamental behaviours deeply affecting the relationship. Often, criticisms of a partner may actually mirror unresolved issues within ourselves. For instance, wanting a partner to adopt your way of doing things might highlight a need to control or even deeper insecurities.
Differentiating Between Minor and Major Changes
Not all desired changes in a partner are created equal. Discerning whether the things you wish to change are small annoyances or significant issues is vital. Minor quirks, such as how a partner dresses or eats, often shouldn’t hold substantial weight in the relationship’s overall happiness. However, major issues, like a partner’s unwillingness to communicate or recurring destructive behaviours, merit more serious attention. Asking yourself whether these changes impact core relationship needs or fundamental compatibility can provide clarity.
Evolving Perspectives Over Time
It’s also useful to examine whether these frustrations and desires for change have always been present or if they are recent developments. Initial attractions to certain traits can evolve into frustrations as relationships progress. Traits you might have found endearing initially, such as spontaneity or passion, could later feel like unpredictability or relentlessness. Understanding this shift can help you determine whether the change in perception is rooted in other underlying issues within the relationship or personal growth.
Are You Seeking Change for Connection or Distance?
Our attachment styles often influence how we perceive the need for a partner to change. Those with anxious attachment may want changes to feel more secure and solidify the relationship, seeing it as a solution to all problems. Conversely, those with avoidant tendencies might use the desire for change as a distancing tactic, proving that incompatibility exists. Recognising which attachment style may be driving these feelings can help you address the root cause more effectively.
Impact on Core Relationship Needs
When considering changes, it’s vital to differentiate between personal preferences and fundamental relationship needs. Some aspects, such as a partner's refusal to engage in meaningful dialogue or perpetual irresponsibility, could genuinely be deal breakers. Reflecting on whether you could maintain a fulfilling relationship if these aspects remain unchanged is paramount. If the inability to change would significantly impact your happiness or well-being, it’s a significant point to consider.
Realistic Expectations and Willingness to Change
It's important to establish whether there has been any indication of a partner's willingness or ability to change. True and lasting change often needs to originate from within the individual being asked to change. If a partner is only making superficial changes to appease demands, it may not result in long-term satisfaction for either party. Genuine, intrinsic motivation to improve or adapt certain behaviours is necessary for meaningful change.
Accepting or Moving On
Ultimately, evaluating whether you can accept your partner as they are is crucial. Holding on to unrealistic expectations for change can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction and resentment. If fundamental needs are unmet and there is no mutual willingness to work towards meaningful change, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s viability. Acceptance of a partner’s true self, along with honest communication about non-negotiables, is key to a healthy relationship dynamic.
Embracing Humility and Self-Growth
Embarking on this self-reflective journey is an opportunity for personal growth. Discovering more about what drives your desires for change can lead to a deeper understanding of your own needs and insecurities. This humility and self-awareness can enrich not just your romantic relationships but all interpersonal connections.
By maintaining a balanced perspective on the desire for change in a partner, you can foster a more compassionate and realistic approach to relationships. Whether it leads to a deeper connection with your partner or a realisation that it’s time to move on, this exploration can ultimately guide you towards more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently wishing your partner would change certain aspects of their behaviour? If so, what are these aspects and why do they bother you?
Reflect on whether these desired changes in your partner are fundamental traits or more superficial quirks. What does this reveal about your expectations and tolerance within the relationship?
How do you differentiate between constructive feedback and being overly critical of your partner? What impact do you think your approach has on the relationship?
Consider a time when you felt frustrated with your partner's behaviour. Can you identify any underlying unmet needs or insecurities within yourself that may have contributed to this frustration?
Think about the aspects of your partner that initially attracted you to them. Have these traits changed over time in your perception? What might this shift indicate about your evolving needs and expectations?
In what ways do you take responsibility for your own happiness and well-being, independently of your partner? How could this practice help ease relationship tensions?
Ponder the question: If the things you wish would change about your partner never did, could you find peace and contentment in the relationship as it is? Why or why not?
How do you handle situations where there is a fundamental disparity between your core relationship needs and your partner's behaviour? What strategies could help bridge this gap?
Reflect on any instances where you've projected your unhappiness or dissatisfaction onto your partner. What steps can you take to address these feelings within yourself before placing them on the relationship?
How do you and your partner communicate about needed changes and growth within the relationship? What improvements could be made to foster a more supportive and understanding dialogue?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the listener question of, is it wrong to want my partner to change? I think that this is a predicament that a lot of us will relate to to varying degrees at different points in life and in relationships. Is that niggling voice in your head that starts to feel really critical of your partner, maybe in a general sense, or specific things that they do. But having that sense of if they just change this thing, then everything would be different, or then I'd be more attracted to them, or then all my needs would be met and we wouldn't be fighting or we wouldn't be disconnected or whatever it might be. But this feeling that the problems in the relationship or the way that you're feeling towards them originate with them and, you know, needing them to change is kind of the roadblock standing in the way of your happiness or your satisfaction, your peace, whatever it might be. So I think it's a feeling that a lot of us will relate to. And as always, I think that it's important to inquire and get curious with, you know, how much of this is my stuff? How much of this is telling me something about the relationship that needs my attention? Is there anything there for my partner to action and sifting through that in a way that really allows us to have a bit more clarity rather than just following those voices and those stories in our head that can lead us to, you know, not very nice or constructive behavior within our relationship when we are in that mode of judgment and criticism and maybe even being a bit manipulative, trying to change our partner.
[00:02:09]:
And I think that as we'll get into sometimes there can be some, you know, egoic drives in there where we're kind of self centered and, whether we realize it or not, they can be an arrogance to wanting our partners to change because often we want them to change to be more like us. So taking responsibility, taking ownership for all of those things and, getting clarity around it, I think is really important because so much of the time, our relationship, our partner, the way we're feeling about those things is just a mirror or is feedback, that's pointing us towards something within us that needs some love and care. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some guiding questions that might shed some light on that dynamic as it applies to your relationship. Before I dive into that, a super quick reminder that I am offering a 50% off sale on all my master classes and courses on my website. You can use the code, Hey, baby, all one word, to save 50% on those, which is to celebrate the birth of my baby, which was 1 month ago today. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around wanting to change partner.
[00:03:21]:
Now, as I often do at the start of an episode, I just want to almost give a bit of a permission slip to be human here. I don't think it's something we have to beat ourselves up over this desire to change a partner. I think it would be dishonest for someone to say that they've never had those thoughts or those urges or those moments of frustration where you just wish that your partner were different in some way that they, you know, acted differently, presented themselves differently, coped with things differently. And so I think that, you know, giving ourselves the grace and cutting ourselves some slack for being human in having those thoughts and urges is important. Always wanting to be compassionate. That, of course, doesn't give us permission slip to act on those impulses or those urges. And I think that's where we really need to take responsibility and go, okay. How am I acting out here? Am I being critical? Am I being nitpicky? And what kind of culture is that creating in my relationship? Is it really a culture that is inspiring of growth and change, in, you know, a positive direction? Or is it creating a culture of disconnection, and, you know, disapproving judgment? All of those things, which, you know, if you have ever been on the receiving end of, tends not to be terribly inspiring and, you know, it leads to more disconnection.
[00:04:44]:
So as I said, I'm going to offer you some questions to get a bit more clarity around this wanting to change your partner, because I think that this can arise in a lot of different circumstances. You know, it might just be feeling almost like the ick towards your partner, which some people relate to. I think almost people with more avoidant tendencies tend to experience more of that ick than people with anxious tendencies. I think that people who have more anxious attachment tend to wanna change their partner in ways that they see as solidifying the relationship. So if there's any sense that the relationship disconnected in some way or the relationship is lacking, It's really easy to pin that on what's wrong with the partner and tell yourself the story that if they were different, then everything would be solved. And so changing your partner becomes, you know, the solution to all of your problems. Whereas, I think that, for more avoidant folks, changing your partner or being critical of your partner, is more of a distancing strategy. It can feel like if they were different, you know, we'd be a better fit.
[00:05:52]:
And the fact that they are like that, and I feel this sense of resistance or criticism or judgment towards them is proof that we're not meant to be together. So we can see that what starts as a similar seed kind of grows in 2 different directions as is often the case, with these, you know, different attachment patterns and styles. So the first question that I wanna put to you around, you know, this wanting your partner to change is are the things that you're wanting to change about your partner, little things or big things? So is it, you know, little quirks that they have, you know, the way that they dress or the way that they eat or the music that they listen to, you know, things that are kind of peripheral to who they are, but, you know, nonetheless make up parts of them. Are those things irking you or is it big things like, you know, fundamental to their relational dynamic? Is it that they refuse to talk about relationship issues or, you struggle to have any sort of constructive as they're showing up in their relationship or just as themselves, that you are taking issue with and you're wanting them to change. So I think, you know, naturally, if it's the little things that are bothering you, I think we have to, I don't know, query how important those things really are. And I think that when we fixate on those little things, it's usually pointing us to something within us, a perfectionism or some other rigidity or desire to control, or perhaps an unmet need there. And we're using those little things as almost a scapegoat for, you know, a way to validate how we're feeling in a deeper sense. So, big things or little things, then we maybe need to go to the next step, which is, have I always been bothered by these things or is it a recent development? So if you've always been bothered by these things, I think that's a very different scenario and a much less common one than if it's a recent development.
[00:08:07]:
And if it's more recent that you've started to have this sense of frustration or, you know, resistance, criticism, judgment, disapproval of your partner, then reflect on what else is going on. What's the backdrop to this, that might give me more information as to, you know, accompanying unmet needs, things that are going on in the relationship that are leading me to project this onto my partner, and wanting them to change. You know, what else accompanies this? Because I think that much of the time, what you'll find is the things that you end up being frustrated about in your you weren't bothered by initially. You know, I often give the example, you know, you might be really attracted to someone's spontaneity, but 6 months or a year into the relationship, you're pulling your hair out with frustration at the fact that they can't stick to a plan. You might be really attracted to someone's passion and that they have really strong opinions and they're really engaged. But down the track, you might find it frustrating that they can't just let anything go, or they always have to have the last word or some other expression of that trait. You might be really attracted to someone's self discipline and really admire that about them only to subsequently become frustrated with the fact that they're too uptight and rigid and you wish that they'd just lighten up. So getting curious around, like, have I just changed the way that I relate to aspects of them that were always there and maybe even aspects of them that I once really appreciated? Or, you know, is there something else here? And I think as a bit of a hint, oftentimes, we're attracted to someone else, expressing a trait that we don't have or that we've suppressed or judged within ourselves.
[00:10:07]:
So you might really admire someone's ability to be the center of attention and to be really confident in social settings because that's not something that comes naturally to you. And it's maybe something that you really wish you could embody. But while that's attractive to you in the first place, in the first instance, when you meet them, down the track, you might notice the same parts of you that suppress that or a critical of that within yourself. Start to you know, arc up and, and express those same criticisms towards them. And so you wanna suppress that in them the same way that you suppress it within yourself. So I think that getting curious around like, oh, how, where is this come from this sense of criticism that I feel towards my partner, and wanting them to change? Am I wanting them to just be more like me? And is that really what I want? Because as much as we can tell ourselves the story that, if they were more like me, then everything would be easier. You'd probably also experience a loss of attraction if that were the case, because much of the time it really is our differences, that allow us to complement each other and to work really well as a team and to maintain that sense of separateness that can fuel attraction in a relationship, as much as particularly if you're more anxious, the desire to merge and enmesh into one unit can really be there. And that can be almost like a form of safety that if we're just kind of melded into 1, then we're inseparable.
[00:11:39]:
And that makes me feel safer. It tends to not actually be conducive to a really healthy, thriving relationship. Okay. The next question that I wanna offer you is, do the things that I want to change or that I'm hoping will change in my partner relate to my core relationship needs? And relatedly, if things never changed in that respect, could I make my peace with that or would that be a deal breaker? Now, this is obviously a big question, and we're getting more into the territory here of really foundational stuff rather than, you know, it annoys me the way that they do their hair or don't do their hair or something trivial. You know, is there something really fundamental to the relationship here that I'm hoping will change, that goes to my ability to be happy in this place, in my life with them. Is that what I'm hoping will change? And I think this can get a bit murky and challenging, because so many of us, you know, I've been guilty of this absolutely persistent relationships where there is this kind of abstract hope of something changing, things are gonna get better, you know, next month, next year. And, you know, in the meantime, we persist in dynamics that are really dissatisfying. And there's just like a real lack of connection, a lack of joy.
[00:13:08]:
You know, there's really stuff missing there. And I think oftentimes, even though we make it out to be very complicated, most of the time, you know, deep down when there's something that's not right about the relationship, when there's something missing. And that's not always to say that you need to walk away at that point, but where the relationship is really fundamentally not meeting your needs and it kind of never has, there's never been a sense that it's been right, but you've just always been pushing and pushing and telling yourself that like, you know, at some abstract future point, everything's going to be different. Notwithstanding the fact that there's kind of no evidence pointing to that ever coming to fruition. I think that's when we have to start getting honest about how healthy or constructive it is for us to be holding on to this, you know, hope that our partner is going to change when there's really nothing pointing to that actually happening. When that change is related to something that's pretty foundational to our sense of, you know, joy, peace, well-being. I think it's also important to say there, again, it kind of relates to what I was speaking about earlier. We can often project things onto our partner and make it their responsibility to make us happy, and tell ourselves that, you know, when they change these things, then I will be happy.
[00:14:25]:
And again, I think that, you know, if you've not historically been great at taking care of yourself at, you know, living a vibrant life without a partner being that source of vibrancy for you, then it's really easy to pin that on them and, and blame your lack of vitality or lack of joy or lack of peace, on what might be missing in the relationship. So it's always this really delicate balancing act, and it's such a nuanced conversation of what is really something that we want our relationship to be giving us in terms of kind of life force, versus what we need to be sourcing for ourselves and then allowing our relationships to be, you know, a beautiful addition to that rather than the source of it. And again, I think there's no clear cut answer here. And I'm probably not speaking to, you know, people who are on the edge there. It's probably more situations like, you know, a relationship that I was in, where I was really fundamentally not happy. My needs are not being met. The relationship was just not what I wanted. And yet there was some part of me that thought that, you know, it was going to get better, even though it just wasn't.
[00:15:41]:
And I was expecting that to come from my partner changing, you know, kind of magically becoming someone that he wasn't. And, you know, that was a recipe for me staying stuck there for a really long time. So I think that asking yourself that question of if things never changed in these material respects, and I'm hoping they will, would that be okay Or would that be a deal breaker if you told me in 5 years time that this part of your relationship, this aspect, this conflicts that you keep having on repeat, is still going to be there or, you know, your partner is still going to be behaving in this way that you find to be really problematic. You know, if that was still the case, then would that be a deal breaker for you? And I think if the answer is yes, it would be a deal breaker for me, then you have to ask the question of, well, has my partner indicated any willingness to work on this thing that, you know, we can recognize is causing an issue in our relationship. And again, if the answer is no, then we have to do a bit of a reality check on, well, am I just, you know, hoping that something's going to change when there's no reason that it would? You know, if days are going by and weeks months are going by, nothing's changing because nothing's being done. And it's something that's really fundamentally important to me. And I've made that clear to my partner. If there's no movement towards change that's originating with them.
[00:17:16]:
And I really do believe that as much as we can, you know, express a desire or a need in a relationship, if it's asking someone to make changes within themselves, that's got to come from them in the sense that they've got to have some intrinsic motivational desire to make that change in order for it to stick in any substantive, meaningful, long term way. If it's just you telling someone they have to do something and they are reluctantly agreeing in order to, you know, get you to stop nagging them or just to restore some sort of peace. But they don't actually deeply agree or they don't want that, I can all but guarantee you that that's not gonna be the solution. Or, you know, if they don't understand what the problem actually is and they're just kind of agreeing with you, then there's probably not gonna be the change that you're looking for, and there's a good chance that you'll just keep spinning around in those cycles. So really reflecting if it is something that's non negotiable, if it's big, and it's, you know, a deal breaker for you potentially, if it weren't to change, then has there been any indication from your partner that they're actually, you know, willing, able to make those changes. And, you know, what's the plan, what action are they taking and, you know, what have they done to show to you that, they really get it and it's really important to them as well, independent from it just being something that you've told them they have to do as some sort of ultimatum or condition of being in the relationship. Because as I said, those things tend not to stick. So that was a lot.
[00:19:01]:
I hope that you've managed to follow that web of questions and different permutations of this dynamic of changing a partner. As I said, in the introduction, there's sort of different bits there and different scenarios that that speaks to whether it's just the nitpicky things that might point us, you know, to something within ourselves that needs our attention, maybe where you're projecting onto our partner because we're feeling a bit disconnected from ourselves, from our own vitality, and we're making that about them. We're kind of blaming them for the way that we're feeling, in which case that's really good information and something that we can work with. If it's bigger things, if you're really unhappy in the relationship, kind are kind of deal breakers for you or non negotiables, I should say, in terms of, you know, your willingness to be in the relationship, then I think we have to get really clear around, you know, how realistic that hope is, and whether there's any accompanying action or plan or, or kind of evidence, upon which to be, just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are going to get better. Just stay and tell ourselves a story that things are gonna get better. You know, at some future point, next week, month, once we get past this milestone, then everything will be better. But if there's nothing to actually support that, then I think we do have to get a bit honest with ourselves and, you know, say, can I accept this person as they are? And if I can't, then is this the right relationship for me to be in? And I think that can be a really eye opening, and humbling inquiry to go down. So I hope that this has been helpful as always.
[00:20:54]:
So grateful to all of you who tune in, who leave reviews and feedback on Spotify and Apple. I read every single review and comment. I'm always so, so grateful for your kind words and support. It means the world to me. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:15]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, partner change, listener question, critical partner, relationship problems, unmet needs, relationship solutions, judgment, criticism, manipulative behavior, egoic drives, self-centered, ownership, relationship feedback, love and care, guiding questions, master classes, courses, relationship dynamics, relational needs, criticism resistance, anxious attachment, avoidant tendencies, relational change, deal breaker, relationship reflection