#53 I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
Navigating sexual dynamics in a relationship can be challenging, especially if you and your partner have different attachment styles. In relationships where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment, differences in sexual desire are common—and they're not something to be ashamed of or to interpret as a sign of failure.
Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Often Experience a Libido Mismatch
In anxious-avoidant relationships, it’s typical for the anxious partner to desire more frequent intimacy, including sex. This is a reflection of deeper needs for closeness and reassurance, which are natural for those with anxious attachment. On the other hand, avoidant partners may start the relationship with high sexual intensity but often withdraw as the relationship deepens. This change can trigger worry for the anxious partner, who may misinterpret it as rejection or a sign of waning attraction.
This pattern often looks something like this:
Early Relationship Intensity: At the start, both partners feel a strong sexual and emotional connection, with intense chemistry that fuels mutual desire.
Avoidant Partner Withdrawal: As the relationship grows more serious, the avoidant partner may feel vulnerable and exposed, which can lead them to pull back both emotionally and sexually.
Anxious Partner Reaction: For the anxious partner, this withdrawal can be alarming. They may interpret the avoidant partner’s lowered sexual interest as a lack of attraction or fear that the relationship is slipping away.
Understanding the Emotional Dynamics at Play
For many people with an anxious attachment style, sex goes beyond physical connection—it becomes a way to seek validation and assurance of being wanted. When faced with reduced interest from their partner, anxious individuals might internalise feelings of inadequacy or worry about abandonment. This insecurity can lead them to pursue more physical intimacy to reconnect and ease their fears, which may inadvertently pressure their avoidant partner, causing further withdrawal.
Avoidant partners, who often experience intimacy as a potential threat to their autonomy or emotional safety, can feel overwhelmed by this need for validation. As the anxious partner seeks more closeness, the avoidant partner might retreat further, reinforcing the anxious partner's fear of abandonment. This cycle can become a source of tension and misunderstanding, highlighting the need for both individuals to recognise their triggers and communicate openly.
Practical Steps for Managing This Dynamic
Open the Lines of Communication: It’s essential to have a candid conversation about your sexual needs and what sex means to each of you. This conversation may feel vulnerable, but it’s a crucial step toward mutual understanding.
Depersonalise the Withdrawal: As the anxious partner, try to avoid interpreting your partner’s withdrawal as a reflection of your worth. Recognise that their behaviour may stem from their own attachment style and fears, not a lack of attraction or desire for you.
Check-in with Your Own Needs: Before seeking sex, ask yourself, “Do I truly want to connect sexually, or am I seeking reassurance?” If it’s reassurance you need, there may be other ways to communicate this to your partner without relying solely on sex as a solution.
Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge the feelings of rejection or inadequacy that arise without letting them define you. Understanding that these responses are part of your attachment style can help you feel less reactive and more in control.
Seek Balance in Physical Intimacy: Aim to find a level of physical intimacy that feels comfortable and safe for both partners. This might mean exploring other ways to connect physically and emotionally that do not center solely around sex.
Finding Support and Building Secure Sexuality
If you’re looking to explore this topic further, consider checking out my Sex & Attachment masterclass, which dives deeper into how attachment dynamics influence our sexuality and how we can overcome common challenge.
By recognising these patterns and working with, rather than against, each other’s attachment styles, you can cultivate a relationship that respects and fulfills both of your needs. With awareness, communication, and mutual effort, an anxious-avoidant relationship can become a safe space where both partners feel seen, validated, and desired in ways that foster growth and trust.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
0:00:37.36 → 0:01:03.07
Is it weird that I want more sex than him? So this is something that I get asked a lot, and I have touched on this dynamic before on the show, but given the frequency with which I get variations on this question, I think it's important to devote a whole episode to unpacking it. And spoiler alert, it's not weird at all. This dynamic is actually extremely common. I would say more common than not.
0:01:03.19 → 0:01:53.61
So if you are someone in an anxious avoidant relationship and you have noticed a mismatch in Libido that looks like the anxious partner wanting sex a lot more than the avoidant partner does, rest assured, you're not alone. It's actually very, very common. So I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can unpack for you why that's not weird, why it actually makes a lot of sense, and what the drivers are of that dynamic and how you can work with it rather than exacerbating it. Because I think most people, without the knowledge and awareness of what's going on, will personalise this dynamic and act out from a place of hurt and make it a lot worse. And that can be really challenging because we get stuck there.
0:01:53.65 → 0:02:17.73
So that's what we're talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just another reminder that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open, as at the time of recording, there are over 500 people already on the waitlist, which is amazing for anyone who's new around here, and I know there are a lot of you who are new. Healing anxious attachment is my signature programme. It's an eight week course.
0:02:17.93 → 0:02:50.63
I run it a couple of times a year and being on the waitlist is a no obligation thing. It's just that you'll get notified first when doors open and you'll also access discounted pricing for enrollment, so definitely cheque that out. If you're keen to know more, the link is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is my only complaint is there aren't more episodes. I wish I found this podcast earlier, as it would have certainly healed a lot of past hurt a lot quicker.
0:02:50.73 → 0:03:02.18
I've never felt so heard and seen by a podcast. I think there's a lot of solace in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and behaviours now. Healing those. Thanks to unattachment. Thank you so much for your beautiful review.
0:03:02.23 → 0:03:40.60
I'm so pleased that you feel so heard and seen by what I share here. I think that, as you say, there is a lot of solace in knowing that you're not alone and that there's another way available to you. So I'm glad that's been your experience. If that was your review, if you could please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And if you want the chance to have your review read out and to get a freebie if you just leave a review on Apple podcasts unfortunately, it's only Apple podcasts that qualifies, as the other platforms don't allow for reviews.
0:03:40.71 → 0:04:00.12
But if you leave a review on Apple podcasts, I select one at random for each episode with two episodes a week. That means you've got two chances each week to be selected. And for anyone who has left a review whose review I haven't read out, please know that I read every single one of them. And I am so appreciative of you and your support. So thank you.
0:04:00.57 → 0:04:31.09
So let's look at how this usually plays out. Here's what I see time and time and time again. And to be very frank with you, I've experienced it myself, so I get it. At the beginning of an anxious avoidant relationship, you'll usually have a lot of sexual intensity. So you're going to have lots of chemistry, connection, passion, fireworks, hunger, lust, infatuation all of that sense of I can't get enough of you.
0:04:31.24 → 0:05:03.32
And that's kind of in all respects, but particularly sexually. And that feels really good for both people. The anxious person loves the feeling of being wanted and chosen and desired. That's like balm to the soul of the anxious partner. And the avoidant person gets a lot out of that too, because it's fun and they feel wanted and they feel desired and they feel successful, and they get all of the upside of the juiciness of that honeymoon period before their triggers set in.
0:05:03.42 → 0:05:39.81
So on both sides, that initial period is really exhilarating and rewarding. What tends to happen is that as the relationship becomes more serious, that could be anywhere from a month in to six months in to a year in, just depending on the arc of your particular relationship. As things become more serious, as that initial chemical rush tapers off, what will typically happen is the avoidant partner starts to pull away sexually. So they might have less interest in having sex. They might initiate sex less, they might just be less engaged in sex.
0:05:39.94 → 0:06:25.75
They might experience performance anxiety or other performance related challenges sexually. And so there are these really noticeable drop offs in their interest level in sex. And for the anxious partner, that sends the alarm bells ringing big time. Because not only did that initial period of sexual intensity feel really good for the anxious person, but the anxious person has a tendency to make it mean something that the avoidant person doesn't in other words, for the anxious partner, it's like, oh, we have this incredible sexual chemistry. That means that we have an incredible connection, that means that we're meant to be together, that means that I've never felt anything like this before, therefore you're the one.
0:06:25.90 → 0:06:45.93
This is serious, this is it. And that is all very exciting for the anxious person. So they get very attached as a result of that sexual intensity. When that sexual intensity shifts and all of a sudden is a little lacking, the anxious person internalises that and starts to panic, go, what have I done? I've done something wrong.
0:06:45.97 → 0:07:27.93
They're losing interest in me, they must not be attracted to me. Maybe they liked me at the beginning, but then I didn't perform well enough for them sexually and so they're no longer interested in having sex with me for that reason, I didn't do a good enough job. The anxious person's tendency to make everything about their failings and their unworthiness and their not good enoughness, very much bubbles to the surface here. And so the anxious person will typically test. So they'll notice this thing, they'll start to panic in their head and tell themselves the story and then they'll start to try and gather evidence and go, okay, is this just in my head or is it real?
0:07:28.00 → 0:08:19.08
Is this legit? And so what do they do? They'll maybe start to be more flirtatious with their partner or try to initiate sex more, try to seduce them or be more affectionate, try and hug and kiss them, all of those things to gauge the response, to see, are they really pulling away or am I making this up? And the avoidant person, possibly without realising it, receives all of that intensity, anxiety, escalated energy around sex as pressure, and so they're likely to respond to that by withdrawing further, which cements the anxious person's read of the situation as they've lost interest in me sexually. And for the anxious person, it's a very short walk from they've lost interest in me sexually to they're going to leave me, they don't want me anymore, I'm no longer useful to them.
0:08:19.21 → 0:09:24.07
Whatever connection we had is slipping away from me and I feel really out of control and panicked and like I've done something but I don't know what. So, as you can probably imagine, and I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced this, and as I said, so have I, so I get it. And it's really challenging because as much as we can intellectually understand that that might not be about us, that might be about their intimacy fears, that might be about their inability to combine sex and love without feeling intensely, vulnerable in a way that leads their system to go into shutdown and protective mode as much as we can intellectualise that, it's really still very tender to our wounds, our unworthiness wounds. The part of us that just wants to be wanted and chosen and who feels like they had that and then it got taken away from them through no fault of their own. So don't underestimate how big this is in terms of the emotional imprint of it.
0:09:24.24 → 0:09:58.85
And you'll need to really approach it with a lot of self compassion because it's really easy to personalise it. It's really easy to make it all about you and take it as unequivocal evidence in support of those really painful stories about yourself that you're not good enough that no one's ever going to want you. That when you show yourself to someone, they reject you. That nothing you do is good enough to get someone's attention and keep it. Whatever the stories are, there are a lot of them and this is a vulnerable area where we can really spiral in our self worth.
0:09:59.02 → 0:10:34.95
So to return to the essence of the question, is it weird that I want more sex than him? No, not at all. It's very common because of that trajectory of sexual intensity followed by sexual withdrawal by the avoidant partner. Then the anxious person, when faced with the insecurity that comes with that fallout, wants sex more than ever because sex is equal to validation, sex is equal to reassurance sex, alleviates that fear of rejection or that feeling of rejection that has kind of infected the relationship. So it's actually very common.
0:10:35.02 → 0:11:10.45
And if anything, the more he pulls away, the more you're going to want sex for that reason that you just want the feeling of being wanted. So what do we do with all of this? It might feel overwhelming to hear me share what drives that pattern and how very common it is. And I'm not going to mislead you by saying that it's an easy solution. I think the honest truth would be to say that both people need to have a level of awareness and willingness to be vulnerable about this.
0:11:10.60 → 0:12:42.96
And so, while on the anxious side, you're probably spending a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, you will need a level of buy in from your avoidant partner in finding a way to experience sex together that works for you both, that feels safe and comfortable, that meets both of your needs and that will require you to talk about it. Unfortunately, as much as we all hate talking about sex and having those messy, vulnerable conversations, it's really a necessity in any relationship, but particularly in one where all of this emotional density is present in your sexual dynamic. So as much as possible on the anxious side, depersonalising it will help because it will allow you to show up to those conversations vulnerably without being in this state of panic and stress and accusation and self protection, which will only elicit a similarly reactive and defensive response from your partner. The other final piece that I'll suggest for again the anxious partner in this is cheque in with yourself around sex. When you're wanting sex from your partner when you're feeling like you'd want to initiate sex, just cheque in with yourself on whether you want sex or whether you want to feel wanted.
0:12:43.33 → 0:13:25.92
Because if it's the latter, then what you're really wanting is reassurance or validation that everything's okay. And that might point to a broader unmet need in the relationship, that you can get met in other ways and potentially healthier ways, rather than leaning on sex as an indirect way to get that validation of reassurance. So asking yourself, do I actually want sex right now? Or do I want to feel wanted by my partner? And that will again allow you to just have greater clarity for yourself around what the need is, and in so doing have a much better chance of getting that need met in a way that works for you, for your partner, for the relationship.
0:13:26.53 → 0:14:18.39
So I hope that that has been helpful in unpacking that dynamic that is so very common, giving you a bit of an understanding of why that happens and what drives it and some sense of what you can do and what not to do if you find yourself in that situation and you're needing to tackle it. I should also say I have a master class on my website called Sex and Attachment, which is I think it's about 90 minutes and goes into all of this obviously in a lot more detail. I do also have a module in my Healing Anxious Attachment course around building a secure sexuality. So if you are wanting to go deeper on this topic, I definitely suggest checking either the Sex and Attachment Masterclass, which is Instant access. You can get that on my website or as I said at the start, joining that waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment.
0:14:18.52 → 0:14:50.64
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to leave a five star rating and a review. As I said, it does really help so much in getting the word out and helping the show continue to grow, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:14:50.70 --> 0:14:55.48
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#52 6 Tips for Avoidant People in Becoming More Secure
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of getting to know your inner world
learning to feel safe with healthy interdependency
increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict
getting curious about your triggers before acting on them
communicating with words rather than actions
the benefits of co-regulation for your nervous system
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.09 → 0:00:54.65
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure in their relationships. So this episode has been a long time coming. If you've been around here a while, you'd know that my work focuses predominantly on the anxious attachment experience, and that is for the simple fact that that's my own personal experience.
0:00:54.77 → 0:01:44.63
And I always find that teaching from a place of personal lived experience tends to be more nuanced and authentic and impactful than just teaching about something based on information. But with that being said, I also acknowledge that there are a lot of avoidant leaning people in my audience, in my community of listeners here, who are really hungry for support and for more content around the avoidant side of the street. And so I'm hoping that in today's podcast, I can give you at least a greater understanding of where your growth edges might be, as well as a starting point of roadmap for how you can start to take those steps towards greater security in your relationships. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being to say welcome to all of the new listeners.
0:01:44.68 → 0:02:16.59
I think there's been a little uptick in the past week or so. At the time of recording, the podcast is sitting at number two on the charts in the US. In the relationships category on Apple podcasts, which is pretty wild, as you can imagine. The relationships category is a pretty competitive one with a lot of really amazing people in the field. And so for my little old podcasts that I record and edit myself at home each week, to be sitting up there at number two is just incredible.
0:02:16.64 → 0:02:34.16
And I'm so grateful for your support. So whether you are brand new here or whether you've been here a while, I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. The second quick announcement is just to remind you that the waitlist for my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is now open. You can join that via the link in the show notes.
0:02:34.27 → 0:03:04.15
The course will be opening for enrollment in a few weeks time, and that only happens two to three times a year. So if you're interested, if you struggle with anxious attachment and you're looking to get some support, that's a great one to cheque out, and you'll be entitled to discounted pricing by joining the waitlist. The final quick thing to share is just the featured review, which is stephanie, you possess the gift of instilling hope through change in a most thoughtful, loving way. Thank you. From the depths of my evolving 60 year old anxious heart.
0:03:04.22 → 0:03:15.56
You are changing lives. Thank you for that beautiful review. A little bit emotional rig, that one. That really was so lovely and I am deeply appreciative for you. Thank you for being here.
0:03:15.69 → 0:04:02.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a small token of gratitude. Okay, so let's dive into these six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure. Now, before I get into this, I should just clarify that when I'm talking about avoidant people here, most of what I'm saying will apply to those who are fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. And to the extent that there are noteworthy differences, I will call them out and make that distinction. But when we're talking here about avoidant people, it's really dismissive avoidant people and fearful avoidant people to the extent that they are in a more avoidant expression of themselves.
0:04:02.72 → 0:04:43.39
So that's usually in a relationship with a more anxious leaning person, that a fearful avoidant person is going to lean more avoidance. So it's a person who's exhibiting those avoidant traits in their relationships. These are going to be helpful steps and growth edges for you. The first one is get to know your inner world, spend some time acquainting yourself with your inner world and practise sharing aspects of that with others. So if you are more avoidant leaning, it's likely that you don't spend that much time introspecting self inquiring reflecting on your emotional state.
0:04:43.56 → 0:05:36.49
And that's okay. That's not something that's wrong with you. And certainly by contrast with a more anxious person who's at the other extreme of spending a lot of time in there in a world we probably both want to meet in the middle there, so that we're not overly bogged down in introspection and self inquiry, but we also have access to it in a way that can be supportive, in not only being able to ask ourselves what we need and how we're feeling and take our own temperature, so to speak. But it's also really hard to connect authentically with others when we are disconnected from ourselves. So something that I will hear time and time again and I've experienced is people in relationship with more avoidant partners, wanting to get through to them, wanting to access them, but feeling like there's this wall up, wanting to say, what are you feeling?
0:05:36.59 → 0:05:50.33
Tell me what you're thinking. And often the avoidant person isn't trying to block that or hide that. They actually just don't know the answer. They don't know what they're feeling, they don't really know what they're thinking. It's this sense of I just feel blank.
0:05:50.53 → 0:06:27.97
And I think that when you're under stress and you're being asked what's going on with you, that feeling of being blank or numb is really common. And so it's really important to get into the practise of self inquiry when the stakes are lower. So not when you've got your partner standing over you and demanding to know what you're thinking and feeling, which is going to feel pressured and overwhelming. But just on a day to day basis, can you cheque in with yourself, maybe start a journaling practise? And that probably feels uncomfortable, particularly if you're more dismissive listening to this.
0:06:28.01 → 0:06:47.98
You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying, I'm just not that kind of person. Not going to happen. And that's okay, you don't have to be that kind of person. But finding some sort of self practise that prompts you to cheque in with yourself and go, how am I feeling right now? And then experimenting again with sharing aspects of that with others.
0:06:48.03 → 0:07:02.86
So that might look like if your partner asks you how is your day? Or how are you? Rather than just rattling off an automated fine, yeah, it was good, whatever. Actually pause cheque in, ask yourself, how am I feeling? How was my day?
0:07:02.96 → 0:07:24.73
And share a little more. Let people in. And again, we can do this in bite sized pieces because we don't want to force ourselves to a pendulum swing to the other extreme, but just practise checking in and then sharing. Checking in and then sharing. And as you do that, it will feel easier, it will feel more natural, it will feel safer.
0:07:26.43 → 0:08:03.90
Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is explore what it means to depend on other people and have them depend on you. So as an avoidant person, your operating system, your blueprint, is likely to go alone, to lean on hyperindependence, to take care of yourself, to be incredibly autonomous and self sufficient. And that's one of your great strengths. That is part of the brilliance of your adaptation, that you got really, really good at not needing anyone. And that's also your greatest downfall.
0:08:03.93 → 0:08:52.82
It's the thing that stops you from having the connected relationships that you really desire. So a big growth edge for avoided people is increasing comfort levels with depending on other people needing support, accepting support even if you don't strictly need it, actually just allowing people to support you without pushing that away and extending that support to others. So this really is the corollary of your aversion to depending on others, is that you likely have an aversion to them depending on you. This thing that comes up of, that's not my problem. Your emotions, your fears, your insecurities, your needs are not my problem.
0:08:52.95 → 0:09:45.03
If you're not happy with that, with how things are going, that's your problem, not mine. And so there can be this siloing of your stuff versus my stuff and a real discomfort or unfamiliarity with the idea of us, you know, all that this is our problem. That in a healthy relationship, we want this sense of mutuality, of reciprocity and of interdependency rather than pedestalizing. Hyperindependence as the gold standard of selfhood. So if you notice that in yourself that not only do you feel very uncomfortable with accepting support from other people and receiving that support, but you also have an aversion to giving it, extending that support to other people, that's something to really look at.
0:09:45.10 → 0:10:46.15
So I really invite you to explore that and particularly when you're stressed, when things are hard, when things feel vulnerable, your urge to go it alone will be amplified in those times of stress because that's when our protective strategies really rev up, when we're in a state of fear or stress. And so notice that tendency to want to swing to hyperindependence when you feel threatened or stressed and see what it would be like to instead take steps towards the other person both in a giving and a receiving sense. Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is work on increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. So a lot of avoidant people have pretty low tolerance for relational disharmony. Meaning there can be unrealistic expectations on how a relationship should be, how easy it should be, and as soon as things feel hard or effortful or there's quote unquote drama, you want to cut and run.
0:10:46.27 → 0:11:32.56
Because the way I always describe this, and I usually am describing it to anxious people who can't understand it because they're the opposite, is you're starting point as an avoidant person is relationships are hard, relationships take a lot from me. And so they have to be really, really close to perfect. They have to be very harmonious and easy in order to be worth it. And so as soon as conflict starts to arise, as soon as there's disharmony, as soon as there's tension or stress or you feel criticised, it can really quickly tip the scales in favour of not worth it for me. And so I think a really important growth edge for avoidant people is working to build that container a little to increase your tolerance for reasonable levels of disharmony and conflict.
0:11:32.59 → 0:11:58.03
And when I say reasonable levels, I mean by contrast with unreasonable, unrealistic expectations of perfection in a relationship. So know that relationships involve ebb and flow. You will have conflicts from time to time. You will disagree, you will have differing opinions, you will have differing preferences. Your partner is not going to get it right every time.
0:11:58.15 → 0:12:28.24
And there may be a part of you that is rigid and judgmental and wants to make them wrong for that and wants to take that and make it mean the relationship is not right or it's not worth it, it's not working and retreat. So notice that. Okay? Notice that and try and stay in it. Try and persist through the discomfort of conflict and stick around for the repair process and see if you can be open to that process so that you can rebuild stronger.
0:12:28.35 → 0:13:31.20
And in doing that, you really will start to rewire some of those parts of you that have such a visceral reaction against any sort of perception that the relationship requires too much effort. Because as I said, it's going to be really hard to build a genuinely authentic, connected relationship if you have more or less zero tolerance for any kind of disharmony or conflict, because that is part and parcel of all relationships, even the good ones. Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is get curious about your impulses before acting on them. So as with all of us, when we're in fear, when we feel threatened, when we feel stressed, our protective mechanisms jump to our defence really quickly, instantaneously, before we can really even think about it. For avoided people, what that often looks like is pulling away, retreating, withdrawing, blocking, checking out, even ending a relationship.
0:13:31.89 → 0:14:01.59
That impulse to run can be really strong. And I think a lot of the time that could be avoided by just pausing and getting curious. But again, that might not come very naturally to you. So part of the growth edge here is going, I'm feeling really judgmental towards my partner. I feel this sudden sense of resentment or disdain or even like disgust towards my partner.
0:14:01.71 → 0:14:45.55
And rather than just taking those feelings and those judgments and those thoughts at face value and going, that must mean that I don't like them that much or they're not the right person for me, or whatever else, there's something wrong with them, they're the problem. Get curious about it. Interrogate those thoughts rather than just taking them as fact, taking them at face value and making them mean that the relationship is wrong and you need to leave. Because I think that that's what can often happen is we just take that as evidence and that supports our body's impulse to run. We take that as confirming that fear story that wants to take you back to safety in your aloneness.
0:14:45.68 → 0:15:23.26
So before you do that, because you know what, that costs you to continue to retreat, to aloneness, to potentially sabotage or let go of relationships that you really did care about and you really did want, because your fear got the better of you. So before you do that, try to get curious and try to dig a level deeper underneath that surface level thought or emotional judgement and go, what's this really about for me? Is there something that I'm nervous about right now or afraid of? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I feeling criticised?
0:15:23.32 → 0:15:47.59
Am I feeling blamed? Am I feeling like a failure? Am I feeling not good enough? Rather than just pushing it back onto the other person, making it about them and then saying, you know what, I'll just leave, it's not worth it. Because as I said, that's just going to keep following you everywhere you go, that pattern, it's not something that you can run away from because you can't run away from yourself.
0:15:47.79 → 0:16:27.24
Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is try to communicate more with your words rather than relying on your actions. So again, this is good Practise across the board, but particularly if you tend to be in relationship with anxious leaning partners. It's really helpful for your partner if you can communicate what's going on for you directly, rather than trying to convey what you're wanting or needing or feeling indirectly via your actions or omissions, as the case may be. So what does this mean? Something that I hear a lot, and an ex of mine used to do this and it would drive me absolutely crazy.
0:16:28.57 → 0:16:54.88
I'd message him asking a plan, asking when he was going to get home, and he wouldn't reply to me. And eventually when I would get on to him, he'd say, I didn't know the answer at that time, so I didn't reply. And for me, as a more anxious person, it's like so obvious that you'd send a message saying, oh, sorry, I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know. But for him it was like, well, I didn't know the answer, so I didn't reply. I'll just wait until I do know the answer.
0:16:54.93 → 0:17:33.20
And you'll assume from my lack of reply that I don't know the answer. And so this was a classic example of our differing attachment patterns and probably personalities and relationship preferences really rubbing against each other. And it was such a trigger for me and I really struggled with it and it would have been so much easier for me had he just communicated directly with words. So I think that that's a really good thing to aim for and it's so low cost to you. It's not that difficult to just say to someone, hey, I'm running late, or hey, I'm feeling tired tonight, or hey, I'm busy at work so I probably won't be able to see you later.
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I think avoidant leaning folks can leave a lot to omission. If you didn't hear from me, then it's obvious that I didn't want to talk to you. And for a more anxious leaning person, that sends them into a total spin. So I think having a bit more sensitivity to the other person's experience and trying to put yourself in their shoes a little more is probably a really good idea. Again, particularly if you're with a more anxious leaning person, given that you do have very different baseline tendencies, it can be really supportive to try and almost observe what they do and go, okay, maybe that's what they're kind of hoping for from me.
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Now, that's not to validate that as a strategy, because I think it would be best if we all communicated directly, and God knows anxious people are terrible at that as well. But I think that's one really, as I said, easy, low cost area in which you, as an avoidant person, could contribute in a really positive way to the quality of the relationship, the trust in the relationship, the sense of steadiness and reliability and dependability is just communicating more proactively with your words rather than just leaning on actions or omissions as a form of communication for what you're doing, how you're thinking, how you're feeling. Okay, the 6th and final tip that I want to give you here is prioritise coregulation. So you may be familiar with the term coregulation if you've delved into nervous system stuff. I've got a very exciting guest episode coming up soon around nervous system regulation.
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So definitely catch that if you're interested. But essentially by contrast with an anxious person whose work in this area is really around learning to self regulate because they can't very well, it is this sense of depending on the other person to be okay, the avoidant person is pretty comfortable on their own. Self regulation is not so much the issue, but coregulation meaning safe, attunement and closeness with another person's system can feel intensely vulnerable and so they may shy away from that because it doesn't feel safe. So practising that. And what this looks like, practically speaking, is like lingering in a hug for a little bit longer and just trying to relax your body into that and receive the safety of that experience.
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Now of course, this is within reason and within your own personal boundaries and you don't want to be pushing yourself to do something that is really uncomfortable or unsafe. But I think that that really embodied experience of connection and closeness is a big growth edge for avoidant people because your impulse again will be to physically push it away. And so that's a real growth edge for avoidant people is increasing that comfort level with coregulation. And that's not just to accommodate a partner's preference, that's actually because it's extremely nourishing to your nervous system to get that coregulation. So if that feels again like going straight to doing that with a partner is too much, start with a pet, start with an animal.
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That's a really beautiful way to practise coregulation. So that might be as simple as patting a dog and being really present with that and syncing up your breath to their breath and allowing yourself to kind of soak up the relaxation of that coregulation. It's like your nervous system sink to one another in this really grounding restorative. Nourishing way. So practise that.
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Find ways that you can experience that safe co regulation and again, building up your capacity to have those experiences without having the fear come up and needing to push it away. Okay, so those were six tips for avoiding people and becoming more secure. I realised that was quite a journey we went on, so I'm going to quickly recap those. The first was spend some time getting to know your inner world and practise sharing that with others. The second was explore what it means to depend on others and have them depend on you.
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The third was to work to increase your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. In your relationships. The fourth was to get curious about your triggers and your impulses rather than just acting on them. The fifth was to try and communicate with words rather than just actions or omissions, and the 6th was to prioritise that safe co regulation. I really hope that this has been helpful.
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If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and a five star rating. It helps so much in continuing to get the word out and get the podcast ranking in all of these charts all around the world, which, as I said at the start, is just pretty mind blowing for me. I'm so grateful for you being here and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.