#52 6 Tips for Avoidant People in Becoming More Secure
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of getting to know your inner world
learning to feel safe with healthy interdependency
increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict
getting curious about your triggers before acting on them
communicating with words rather than actions
the benefits of co-regulation for your nervous system
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.09 → 0:00:54.65
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure in their relationships. So this episode has been a long time coming. If you've been around here a while, you'd know that my work focuses predominantly on the anxious attachment experience, and that is for the simple fact that that's my own personal experience.
0:00:54.77 → 0:01:44.63
And I always find that teaching from a place of personal lived experience tends to be more nuanced and authentic and impactful than just teaching about something based on information. But with that being said, I also acknowledge that there are a lot of avoidant leaning people in my audience, in my community of listeners here, who are really hungry for support and for more content around the avoidant side of the street. And so I'm hoping that in today's podcast, I can give you at least a greater understanding of where your growth edges might be, as well as a starting point of roadmap for how you can start to take those steps towards greater security in your relationships. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being to say welcome to all of the new listeners.
0:01:44.68 → 0:02:16.59
I think there's been a little uptick in the past week or so. At the time of recording, the podcast is sitting at number two on the charts in the US. In the relationships category on Apple podcasts, which is pretty wild, as you can imagine. The relationships category is a pretty competitive one with a lot of really amazing people in the field. And so for my little old podcasts that I record and edit myself at home each week, to be sitting up there at number two is just incredible.
0:02:16.64 → 0:02:34.16
And I'm so grateful for your support. So whether you are brand new here or whether you've been here a while, I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. The second quick announcement is just to remind you that the waitlist for my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is now open. You can join that via the link in the show notes.
0:02:34.27 → 0:03:04.15
The course will be opening for enrollment in a few weeks time, and that only happens two to three times a year. So if you're interested, if you struggle with anxious attachment and you're looking to get some support, that's a great one to cheque out, and you'll be entitled to discounted pricing by joining the waitlist. The final quick thing to share is just the featured review, which is stephanie, you possess the gift of instilling hope through change in a most thoughtful, loving way. Thank you. From the depths of my evolving 60 year old anxious heart.
0:03:04.22 → 0:03:15.56
You are changing lives. Thank you for that beautiful review. A little bit emotional rig, that one. That really was so lovely and I am deeply appreciative for you. Thank you for being here.
0:03:15.69 → 0:04:02.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a small token of gratitude. Okay, so let's dive into these six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure. Now, before I get into this, I should just clarify that when I'm talking about avoidant people here, most of what I'm saying will apply to those who are fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. And to the extent that there are noteworthy differences, I will call them out and make that distinction. But when we're talking here about avoidant people, it's really dismissive avoidant people and fearful avoidant people to the extent that they are in a more avoidant expression of themselves.
0:04:02.72 → 0:04:43.39
So that's usually in a relationship with a more anxious leaning person, that a fearful avoidant person is going to lean more avoidance. So it's a person who's exhibiting those avoidant traits in their relationships. These are going to be helpful steps and growth edges for you. The first one is get to know your inner world, spend some time acquainting yourself with your inner world and practise sharing aspects of that with others. So if you are more avoidant leaning, it's likely that you don't spend that much time introspecting self inquiring reflecting on your emotional state.
0:04:43.56 → 0:05:36.49
And that's okay. That's not something that's wrong with you. And certainly by contrast with a more anxious person who's at the other extreme of spending a lot of time in there in a world we probably both want to meet in the middle there, so that we're not overly bogged down in introspection and self inquiry, but we also have access to it in a way that can be supportive, in not only being able to ask ourselves what we need and how we're feeling and take our own temperature, so to speak. But it's also really hard to connect authentically with others when we are disconnected from ourselves. So something that I will hear time and time again and I've experienced is people in relationship with more avoidant partners, wanting to get through to them, wanting to access them, but feeling like there's this wall up, wanting to say, what are you feeling?
0:05:36.59 → 0:05:50.33
Tell me what you're thinking. And often the avoidant person isn't trying to block that or hide that. They actually just don't know the answer. They don't know what they're feeling, they don't really know what they're thinking. It's this sense of I just feel blank.
0:05:50.53 → 0:06:27.97
And I think that when you're under stress and you're being asked what's going on with you, that feeling of being blank or numb is really common. And so it's really important to get into the practise of self inquiry when the stakes are lower. So not when you've got your partner standing over you and demanding to know what you're thinking and feeling, which is going to feel pressured and overwhelming. But just on a day to day basis, can you cheque in with yourself, maybe start a journaling practise? And that probably feels uncomfortable, particularly if you're more dismissive listening to this.
0:06:28.01 → 0:06:47.98
You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying, I'm just not that kind of person. Not going to happen. And that's okay, you don't have to be that kind of person. But finding some sort of self practise that prompts you to cheque in with yourself and go, how am I feeling right now? And then experimenting again with sharing aspects of that with others.
0:06:48.03 → 0:07:02.86
So that might look like if your partner asks you how is your day? Or how are you? Rather than just rattling off an automated fine, yeah, it was good, whatever. Actually pause cheque in, ask yourself, how am I feeling? How was my day?
0:07:02.96 → 0:07:24.73
And share a little more. Let people in. And again, we can do this in bite sized pieces because we don't want to force ourselves to a pendulum swing to the other extreme, but just practise checking in and then sharing. Checking in and then sharing. And as you do that, it will feel easier, it will feel more natural, it will feel safer.
0:07:26.43 → 0:08:03.90
Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is explore what it means to depend on other people and have them depend on you. So as an avoidant person, your operating system, your blueprint, is likely to go alone, to lean on hyperindependence, to take care of yourself, to be incredibly autonomous and self sufficient. And that's one of your great strengths. That is part of the brilliance of your adaptation, that you got really, really good at not needing anyone. And that's also your greatest downfall.
0:08:03.93 → 0:08:52.82
It's the thing that stops you from having the connected relationships that you really desire. So a big growth edge for avoided people is increasing comfort levels with depending on other people needing support, accepting support even if you don't strictly need it, actually just allowing people to support you without pushing that away and extending that support to others. So this really is the corollary of your aversion to depending on others, is that you likely have an aversion to them depending on you. This thing that comes up of, that's not my problem. Your emotions, your fears, your insecurities, your needs are not my problem.
0:08:52.95 → 0:09:45.03
If you're not happy with that, with how things are going, that's your problem, not mine. And so there can be this siloing of your stuff versus my stuff and a real discomfort or unfamiliarity with the idea of us, you know, all that this is our problem. That in a healthy relationship, we want this sense of mutuality, of reciprocity and of interdependency rather than pedestalizing. Hyperindependence as the gold standard of selfhood. So if you notice that in yourself that not only do you feel very uncomfortable with accepting support from other people and receiving that support, but you also have an aversion to giving it, extending that support to other people, that's something to really look at.
0:09:45.10 → 0:10:46.15
So I really invite you to explore that and particularly when you're stressed, when things are hard, when things feel vulnerable, your urge to go it alone will be amplified in those times of stress because that's when our protective strategies really rev up, when we're in a state of fear or stress. And so notice that tendency to want to swing to hyperindependence when you feel threatened or stressed and see what it would be like to instead take steps towards the other person both in a giving and a receiving sense. Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is work on increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. So a lot of avoidant people have pretty low tolerance for relational disharmony. Meaning there can be unrealistic expectations on how a relationship should be, how easy it should be, and as soon as things feel hard or effortful or there's quote unquote drama, you want to cut and run.
0:10:46.27 → 0:11:32.56
Because the way I always describe this, and I usually am describing it to anxious people who can't understand it because they're the opposite, is you're starting point as an avoidant person is relationships are hard, relationships take a lot from me. And so they have to be really, really close to perfect. They have to be very harmonious and easy in order to be worth it. And so as soon as conflict starts to arise, as soon as there's disharmony, as soon as there's tension or stress or you feel criticised, it can really quickly tip the scales in favour of not worth it for me. And so I think a really important growth edge for avoidant people is working to build that container a little to increase your tolerance for reasonable levels of disharmony and conflict.
0:11:32.59 → 0:11:58.03
And when I say reasonable levels, I mean by contrast with unreasonable, unrealistic expectations of perfection in a relationship. So know that relationships involve ebb and flow. You will have conflicts from time to time. You will disagree, you will have differing opinions, you will have differing preferences. Your partner is not going to get it right every time.
0:11:58.15 → 0:12:28.24
And there may be a part of you that is rigid and judgmental and wants to make them wrong for that and wants to take that and make it mean the relationship is not right or it's not worth it, it's not working and retreat. So notice that. Okay? Notice that and try and stay in it. Try and persist through the discomfort of conflict and stick around for the repair process and see if you can be open to that process so that you can rebuild stronger.
0:12:28.35 → 0:13:31.20
And in doing that, you really will start to rewire some of those parts of you that have such a visceral reaction against any sort of perception that the relationship requires too much effort. Because as I said, it's going to be really hard to build a genuinely authentic, connected relationship if you have more or less zero tolerance for any kind of disharmony or conflict, because that is part and parcel of all relationships, even the good ones. Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is get curious about your impulses before acting on them. So as with all of us, when we're in fear, when we feel threatened, when we feel stressed, our protective mechanisms jump to our defence really quickly, instantaneously, before we can really even think about it. For avoided people, what that often looks like is pulling away, retreating, withdrawing, blocking, checking out, even ending a relationship.
0:13:31.89 → 0:14:01.59
That impulse to run can be really strong. And I think a lot of the time that could be avoided by just pausing and getting curious. But again, that might not come very naturally to you. So part of the growth edge here is going, I'm feeling really judgmental towards my partner. I feel this sudden sense of resentment or disdain or even like disgust towards my partner.
0:14:01.71 → 0:14:45.55
And rather than just taking those feelings and those judgments and those thoughts at face value and going, that must mean that I don't like them that much or they're not the right person for me, or whatever else, there's something wrong with them, they're the problem. Get curious about it. Interrogate those thoughts rather than just taking them as fact, taking them at face value and making them mean that the relationship is wrong and you need to leave. Because I think that that's what can often happen is we just take that as evidence and that supports our body's impulse to run. We take that as confirming that fear story that wants to take you back to safety in your aloneness.
0:14:45.68 → 0:15:23.26
So before you do that, because you know what, that costs you to continue to retreat, to aloneness, to potentially sabotage or let go of relationships that you really did care about and you really did want, because your fear got the better of you. So before you do that, try to get curious and try to dig a level deeper underneath that surface level thought or emotional judgement and go, what's this really about for me? Is there something that I'm nervous about right now or afraid of? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I feeling criticised?
0:15:23.32 → 0:15:47.59
Am I feeling blamed? Am I feeling like a failure? Am I feeling not good enough? Rather than just pushing it back onto the other person, making it about them and then saying, you know what, I'll just leave, it's not worth it. Because as I said, that's just going to keep following you everywhere you go, that pattern, it's not something that you can run away from because you can't run away from yourself.
0:15:47.79 → 0:16:27.24
Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is try to communicate more with your words rather than relying on your actions. So again, this is good Practise across the board, but particularly if you tend to be in relationship with anxious leaning partners. It's really helpful for your partner if you can communicate what's going on for you directly, rather than trying to convey what you're wanting or needing or feeling indirectly via your actions or omissions, as the case may be. So what does this mean? Something that I hear a lot, and an ex of mine used to do this and it would drive me absolutely crazy.
0:16:28.57 → 0:16:54.88
I'd message him asking a plan, asking when he was going to get home, and he wouldn't reply to me. And eventually when I would get on to him, he'd say, I didn't know the answer at that time, so I didn't reply. And for me, as a more anxious person, it's like so obvious that you'd send a message saying, oh, sorry, I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know. But for him it was like, well, I didn't know the answer, so I didn't reply. I'll just wait until I do know the answer.
0:16:54.93 → 0:17:33.20
And you'll assume from my lack of reply that I don't know the answer. And so this was a classic example of our differing attachment patterns and probably personalities and relationship preferences really rubbing against each other. And it was such a trigger for me and I really struggled with it and it would have been so much easier for me had he just communicated directly with words. So I think that that's a really good thing to aim for and it's so low cost to you. It's not that difficult to just say to someone, hey, I'm running late, or hey, I'm feeling tired tonight, or hey, I'm busy at work so I probably won't be able to see you later.
0:17:34.13 → 0:18:16.81
I think avoidant leaning folks can leave a lot to omission. If you didn't hear from me, then it's obvious that I didn't want to talk to you. And for a more anxious leaning person, that sends them into a total spin. So I think having a bit more sensitivity to the other person's experience and trying to put yourself in their shoes a little more is probably a really good idea. Again, particularly if you're with a more anxious leaning person, given that you do have very different baseline tendencies, it can be really supportive to try and almost observe what they do and go, okay, maybe that's what they're kind of hoping for from me.
0:18:16.88 → 0:19:13.35
Now, that's not to validate that as a strategy, because I think it would be best if we all communicated directly, and God knows anxious people are terrible at that as well. But I think that's one really, as I said, easy, low cost area in which you, as an avoidant person, could contribute in a really positive way to the quality of the relationship, the trust in the relationship, the sense of steadiness and reliability and dependability is just communicating more proactively with your words rather than just leaning on actions or omissions as a form of communication for what you're doing, how you're thinking, how you're feeling. Okay, the 6th and final tip that I want to give you here is prioritise coregulation. So you may be familiar with the term coregulation if you've delved into nervous system stuff. I've got a very exciting guest episode coming up soon around nervous system regulation.
0:19:13.43 → 0:20:08.24
So definitely catch that if you're interested. But essentially by contrast with an anxious person whose work in this area is really around learning to self regulate because they can't very well, it is this sense of depending on the other person to be okay, the avoidant person is pretty comfortable on their own. Self regulation is not so much the issue, but coregulation meaning safe, attunement and closeness with another person's system can feel intensely vulnerable and so they may shy away from that because it doesn't feel safe. So practising that. And what this looks like, practically speaking, is like lingering in a hug for a little bit longer and just trying to relax your body into that and receive the safety of that experience.
0:20:08.77 → 0:20:49.68
Now of course, this is within reason and within your own personal boundaries and you don't want to be pushing yourself to do something that is really uncomfortable or unsafe. But I think that that really embodied experience of connection and closeness is a big growth edge for avoidant people because your impulse again will be to physically push it away. And so that's a real growth edge for avoidant people is increasing that comfort level with coregulation. And that's not just to accommodate a partner's preference, that's actually because it's extremely nourishing to your nervous system to get that coregulation. So if that feels again like going straight to doing that with a partner is too much, start with a pet, start with an animal.
0:20:49.71 → 0:21:14.62
That's a really beautiful way to practise coregulation. So that might be as simple as patting a dog and being really present with that and syncing up your breath to their breath and allowing yourself to kind of soak up the relaxation of that coregulation. It's like your nervous system sink to one another in this really grounding restorative. Nourishing way. So practise that.
0:21:14.72 → 0:21:46.64
Find ways that you can experience that safe co regulation and again, building up your capacity to have those experiences without having the fear come up and needing to push it away. Okay, so those were six tips for avoiding people and becoming more secure. I realised that was quite a journey we went on, so I'm going to quickly recap those. The first was spend some time getting to know your inner world and practise sharing that with others. The second was explore what it means to depend on others and have them depend on you.
0:21:47.09 → 0:22:09.98
The third was to work to increase your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. In your relationships. The fourth was to get curious about your triggers and your impulses rather than just acting on them. The fifth was to try and communicate with words rather than just actions or omissions, and the 6th was to prioritise that safe co regulation. I really hope that this has been helpful.
0:22:10.17 → 0:22:32.24
If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and a five star rating. It helps so much in continuing to get the word out and get the podcast ranking in all of these charts all around the world, which, as I said at the start, is just pretty mind blowing for me. I'm so grateful for you being here and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks, guys.
0:22:34.29 → 0:22:56.34
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.