#125 How to Live Courageously in 2024
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
Embracing Courage in 2024
Courage is a trait often associated with grand acts of heroism or bravery. However, the courage to live authentically, make significant life changes, and pursue personal growth in the face of fear is equally, if not more, profound. As we stand at the threshold of 2024, it’s an opportune moment to reflect on the role of courage in our lives and how it can shape our experiences, relationships, and overall well-being.
Courage thrives in the space of authenticity. It’s about daring to be true to oneself, even when the road ahead seems uncertain and daunting. For many, the journey towards courage begins with a deep introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s fears, insecurities, and limitations. It involves peeling back the layers of societal expectations and personal doubts to uncover the authentic desires and values that fuel our ambitions.
It’s often tempting to remain in our comfort zones, surrounded by the familiar and the safe. However, the truest expressions of courage arise when we confront the uncomfortable. Despite external appearances that may project success, an individual may still feel empty, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their true selves. The realisation that the pursuit of comfort can sometimes lead to feeling profoundly uncomfortable within can be a catalyst for transformative change.
Fear is a natural and universal response to the unknown. Yet, it is also a barrier that can hinder personal growth and obstruct the path to creating a life aligned with one's aspirations. Many have encountered the paralysing grip of fear, particularly when contemplating making significant life changes. However, it’s within these moments of uncertainty that courage emerges. In 2024, it's essential to foster the courage to face fears, acknowledge their existence, and take steps forward despite them.
Courage grants us the gift of navigating the unknown with resilience and determination. Choosing the path of uncertainty requires a leap of faith, a belief in one’s ability to overcome challenges, and an acceptance of the inevitable setbacks. Stephanie’s experience demonstrates that embracing courage often leads to unexpected opportunities, personal growth, and a profound sense of gratitude towards oneself. The act of seizing control and forging a path aligned with one’s values and aspirations is a testament to the transformative potential of courage.
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, the message of embracing courage and intentionality resonates deeply. It serves as an invitation for individuals to carve a path towards a life overflowing with purpose, growth, and gratification. Recognising the presence of fear and choosing to explore the discomfort amidst a backdrop of convention and expectations can mark 2024 as a year of significant personal evolution and resilience. In 2024, the call to embrace courage and intentionality stands as an opportunity for transformative changes, a chance to redefine one’s narrative, and an invitation to navigate the year with an unwavering spirit of resilience and authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does the concept of courage resonate with you in your own life and relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards the comfortable and familiar, or are you more inclined towards taking risks and embracing the unknown?
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt deeply dissatisfied or unfulfilled, despite outward appearances of success? How did this impact your sense of self-worth and purpose?
Reflect on a time when fear or insecurity held you back from making a change that you knew was necessary. What were the consequences of staying in the familiar, easy path versus embracing the courageous, but uncertain, option?
In what areas of your life do you feel a deep yearning for something more or different? What steps can you take to honour those yearnings and move towards a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires?
Think about a moment when you felt a sense of deep self-trust and inner alignment. What choices or actions led to this feeling, and how did it impact your overall well-being and satisfaction with life?
Consider the role of external validation and societal expectations in shaping your life choices. How have these influences guided your decisions, and what might it look like to break free from their hold to pursue a more authentic path?
Have you ever faced setbacks or challenges after choosing the courageous, less-travelled path? How did these obstacles impact your sense of self and your commitment to pursuing a life aligned with your values?
What changes or choices have you been contemplating that align with your deepest desires and values, but also feel scary and uncertain? How can you begin taking steps towards embracing the unknown and making these changes a reality?
Reflect on a time when you chose the easy or familiar path over the courageous and challenging one. What did you learn from that experience, and how has it shaped your approach to making difficult decisions since then?
How do you envision your life looking a year from now if you were to wholeheartedly embrace courage and step into the unknown? What fears or obstacles might you need to overcome, and what support or resources could help you along the way?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Our last episode for 2023. As at the time of recording, it is the 31 December here in Australia at least, and I am wanting to talk to you today about courage and give you a little bit of a pep talk for 2024. I always find this time of year to be fertile ground for self reflection, for taking stock, and for setting intentions for the year ahead. Not so much in a cheesy resolution way of telling yourself that you're going to go to the gym every day, even though you know you aren't, or anything in that vein, but for deeper reflection, for getting really honest with ourselves around what's working and what isn't, where we are still hiding or withholding or letting fear drive us in our lives. And for me at least, courage and learning to practise courage and to embrace challenge and the unknown, all of that has been hugely formative in my own life and in getting me to where I am today, which when I look at the life that I am living, that I have created, that I continue to create both personally and professionally, I am really overcome with profound gratitude, both for everything that I have, but also towards myself. Because I know that a lot of what I am surrounded by today is a direct result of hard things that I turned towards rather than away from in years gone by.
[00:02:14]:
And so I wanted to share a little bit more of my own personal experience with courage and with fear and with doing scary things as a way to maybe inspire you, maybe aspects of my story will resonate with you in different ways, but hopefully to dispel the myth to the extent that you have some impression of me, that it's all been smooth sailing and easygoing, it absolutely hasn't. And my life hasn't always looked like it does now. Not to say that my life now is always smooth sailing, it absolutely isn't. But I am really deeply appreciative and joyful at the moment with everything that is going on for me. And I want you to feel like all that you desire, not necessarily the specifics of a checklist of things that you would need in order for your life to feel perfect. But if you're someone who feels like joy and peace and gratitude and fulfilling relationships like that's out of reach for you for some reason. I really want you to believe that that's not true. But it might take some courage, some bravery, some unknowns for you to move in the direction of the life that you really want and the life that you would be proud of.
[00:03:35]:
So let's rewind, say, five years, five years ago for me, some of you will know this. Many of you won't, I suspect, if you are newer to me, to my podcast. Five years ago, I was working as a corporate lawyer doing m and a, mergers and acquisitions. I was working ridiculously long hours. Actually found a photo in my camera roll the other day of me leaving work at like 04:30 a.m. In the lift. So that was what my life looked like. A lot of work, a lot of partying.
[00:04:14]:
When I wasn't working, I was in a really unhealthy relationship that was fueled by a combination of ego and low self worth. And as much as outwardly, it might have looked like I was ticking a lot of boxes. I had done really well in my high school exams. I'd gotten a scholarship to go to university. I'd studied for five years. I had an honours degree in law and a degree in political economy. I had travelled extensively. When I finished university, I had job offers from all of the top law firms in Sydney.
[00:04:53]:
It was really like my life was all laid out before me. And I tell you what, my ego really liked it. It's such a funny two sides of the same coin, I think. Ego and low self worth. I think the lower our deep sense of security, the more prone we are to being seduced by things that our ego likes. Those external validations, those approval seeking things. And for me, being courted by law firms and being good at my job, and I was really good at my job. All of that felt great in a sort of superficial, temporary, fleeting way.
[00:05:35]:
But when you don't have much of an internal anchor or a core sense of who you are and what you value and who you want to be, all of that stuff kind of gives you what you need, in a funny sort of way. So that was my life. And it, as I said, outwardly probably looked like I was doing okay. I was living in an apartment in the city and in many ways it was kind of aspirational looking. But inwardly I felt very, very empty. And I didn't like myself very much. I wasn't proud of who I was. And I felt a lot of shame often about how I would act.
[00:06:19]:
And I felt no sense of purpose, no sense of integrity, really. I couldn't say that I was proud of who I was or what I was doing with my life. Fast forward a little bit. And I was still in the same relationship. And it became increasingly clear to me that the way I was living my life was not sustainable. And I'm really grateful to my then self for having at least the self awareness or the willingness to look honestly at the way I was living and to acknowledge that I couldn't go on that way and that it wasn't enough for me. When I looked at people who I worked with, who were senior to me, who were 15 years ahead of me in their career trajectory, the sense of dread that I felt at my life being that in 510 or 15 years was overwhelming. And I had this really deep knowing of, if I don't make a change, if I just continue to do this, the easy thing, then I'm going to be really, really regretful later in my life.
[00:07:39]:
I'm going to be really, really disappointed in myself for not going after more, for going after something that actually allowed me to feel integrated and whole and peaceful. And it might sound a little bit funny to you, hearing all of that and me describing that as the easy thing, but in many ways it was. Even though on a day to day basis it wasn't easy. I was working ridiculous hours, I wasn't very healthy, I wasn't sleeping very much, I wasn't in a good relationship. And so while all of that kind of sounds hard, and in some ways it was, it didn't take any courage. Right?
[00:08:14]:
It was easy in the sense that it was familiar, and I could just do all of that on autopilot without challenging myself, without looking at the things that needed to be looked at within my own being. And so it was easy. It was a cop out, to be honest. It was definitely not doing anything courageous or challenging or expansive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And so it kind of reached a breaking point where I started to think about all of that really seriously. And I decided that I had to make a change. And it was then that I decided if I were to do anything, what would it be? And I've always, always loved learning myself personally about relationships and understanding people. And I think I've always had a natural kind of gift or inclination towards that.
[00:09:11]:
When I was first finishing high school and choosing what to study, it was always a toss up between law and psychology. And I don't know if this will be relevant to anyone outside of Australia, but there's a weird sort of trope where if you get the grades in your end of high school exams, then there's this pressure to make the most of them. And law required a very, very high grade, and I got the score for it. And so it was almost this thing of not wanting to waste my academic results on something that had a lower entrance bar. And so I did law instead of psychology. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have gone straight into psychology, although I don't know that I'd be where I am today had I not walked the path that I walked. So I don't really have any regrets there.
[00:10:00]:
But anyway, I'd always had a really keen interest in that and I had studied it for a couple of years in high school as well. And so when I started to think about, okay, if it's not going to be what I'm doing, if I'm going to have some big career change, what's it going to be? And I decided that I wanted to teach people about relationships and help people with that. And I think, as is the case if you speak to coaches and therapists, so many people go into this work from some deeper yearning to understand themselves and to find some resolution of their own wounding, and there was definitely a layer of that for me. But I was so deeply fascinated by this work and ravenously consuming so much of it on a personal level, particularly owing to the relationship that I was in at the time, which was very challenging. And so even though it didn't really make much sense, and even though my ego was really scared and wanted me to stay on that very predictable, well worn path, that was a guarantee of success in a conventional sense, I made the decision to leave, to quit my job and to start from scratch. I enrolled in a coaching certification and I threw myself into learning everything that I could about relationships, about coaching as a methodology, about the nervous system, about sexuality and so many other things that kind of branch off all of that, and it was kind of terrifying, but it was also very thrilling. And I felt this deep sense of alignment and rightness for the first time in my life, well, certainly for the first time in many years at that point, and it didn't make sense to a lot of people. A lot of people thought that it was kind of rogue of me, and I suppose it maybe was that it was very unconventional, that it was very risky.
[00:12:04]:
I had a lot of people around me projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me of what if it doesn't work, and how will you know what to do? And how will you make money? How will you find clients? All of these things? And I didn't really have the answer to that, to be honest. I just had this sense of trust that I was going to figure it out and that it was going to be okay. And that wasn't a trust or an expectation that it was going to be easy, that it was going to be seamless or that it was going to be linear. But I did have this sense of rightness about it that allowed me to, I suppose, drown out a lot of that stuff that I was getting from people around me and just keep putting 1ft in front of the other. And so that's what I did. And it wasn't easy, but it was really thrilling. It was exhilarating. And even in those very early days, I felt this sense of total gratitude towards myself that I was taking steps in the direction of a life that I could be proud of.
[00:13:13]:
And not long after that, I also ended the relationship that I was in at the time. And I think a part of me knew that those things would probably go hand in hand, and that I kind of just needed maybe the confidence boost or needed to work on myself for a bit in order that I would be ready to leave that relationship, even though I knew deep down that I needed to and that that had to happen. And fast forward. I say fast forward as if that all happened very quickly and easily. But fast forward to now. And I've built this incredible business helping people all over the world by sharing my own story, my own insights, the things that I've learned, having taught and worked with thousands of people through coaching, through my online programmes. So many really beautiful things have happened since making that decision in the direction of the life that I wanted, through choosing courage rather than the comfortable or easy thing, and really deciding that I wanted to close the gap between my values and the way I was living. Because that gap was pretty big for a while there and it didn't feel good.
[00:14:41]:
It felt really, really deeply uncomfortable. And I felt so much shame and lack of self respect in a way that was very, very uninspiring and heavy and really dragged me down. And so I suppose I share all of that a to give you a bit more of a background to my story, in case you weren't familiar, but also maybe to inspire, because it's not about telling everyone that you need to go and quit your job, but I think for those of you, and you'll know if you're hearing this, I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. I think for those of us who feel that pull, feel that little nudge from within, that whisper saying, there's more, right? There has to be more. If life feels uninspiring or small, or like there's something big tugging at you and calling you forward, I think to ignore that voice and to keep ourselves cloistered or imprisoned by fear or convention or expectation, whether ours or someone else's, there is no grief greater than that. To silence that voice within that's telling us to be bold, to be creative, to take risks, to build a life that we're really proud of. And so if you're listening to this and that is you, and you know that there's something. You know that you're on the brink of change and you're standing at a fork in the road, and there's the easy, low risk, comfortable, familiar thing, and then there's the scary thing that excites you and that feels expansive and inspiring, and that your whole being lights up just to think about it, just know that you will very, very rarely, if ever, regret doing the courageous thing.
[00:16:42]:
And I deeply believe that to be true. Because even if it doesn't work out as you planned, even if there are bumps in the road and setbacks, and there will be. There will be setbacks, you will fall off the horse. But the sense of inner peace, alignment, unity, freedom that you get from backing yourself and from trusting yourself and from honouring what is true for you, your desires, your yearnings, that is something that is so precious. And so I really do think that it's very, very hard to regret making a choice that is based on that, based on your values, based on your deep yearnings and desires, based on what you feel is deeply true for you. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about as we close out 2023 and we turn over a new leaf, turn over a new page and enter 2024 with all of its possibilities and unknowns. Just know that it's what you make it and it is a blank page. And that's not to say that you need to overhaul your life in order to be good or doing the right thing, or valuable or worthy, or any of that.
[00:18:08]:
But as I said, for those of you who know that this message is for you, I really, really encourage you to go for it, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it's leaving a job, maybe it's taking a job, maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe it's starting a relationship, maybe it's starting therapy. Maybe it's joining a gym, maybe it's committing to getting strong, moving your body, or changing your habits. All of these things that you know are waiting for you. And you know that the life that you desire is on the other side of those commitments and those choices and those steps. Take the steps. Give that gift to yourself.
[00:18:45]:
When you know that your agency and your self discipline and your showing up is the only thing really standing in the way of you and the future self that you really want to become. Please do yourself the honour. Give yourself the gift of being brave and being courageous, of no longer hiding, no longer playing small, no longer saying that you can't, no longer having a lack of faith in yourself because it's in your hands. 2024 is just around the corner. So really think about that and get intentional about what you want to create this year and how very different your life could look a year from now. So I'm sending you so much love on this, the 31 December, and so much gratitude again for your support of the podcast and my work this past year and more broadly. It is in large part thanks to you that I feel so very overjoyed and grateful and proud of the life and the work that I find myself surrounded by. So thank you for your part in contributing to that sense of pride and satisfaction that I'm able to feel into as I look around and take stock.
[00:20:10]:
I'm wishing you the most beautiful, safe, peaceful, restorative new year, and I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Thanks guys.
[00:20:21]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.
#121 What is Emotional Availability?
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
Emotional availability is a crucial concept in modern relationships, especially in an era dominated by social media. It refers to an individual's emotional maturity, ability to articulate feelings, openness to honest conversations, and capacity to express themselves authentically without resorting to games or misleading behaviors. This definition underscores the importance of authenticity, emotional maturity, and genuine connections in relationships.
What is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability is often discussed in the context of dating and relationships. It's a term that encapsulates the ability to be present and engaged in a relationship emotionally. An emotionally available person is someone who is capable of sharing their feelings, understands and respects their partner's emotional needs, and is willing to be vulnerable. This characteristic is essential for building a deep, meaningful connection with others.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
It's critical to consider your own emotional availability. Self-reflection helps in understanding why one might be attracted to individuals who exhibit traits of emotional unavailability. By exploring our behaviors and tendencies, especially in the context of anxious attachment patterns, we can identify and address issues like people-pleasing and approval-seeking. This awareness is vital for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Recognising Emotional Unavailability in Anxious Attachment Patterns
Emotional unavailability can often manifest in anxious attachment patterns. This might involve performing, shapeshifting, and constantly seeking validation, driven by a fear of being unlovable. Such behaviors often lead to presenting a curated persona, hindering the ability to form genuine connections. Emotional unavailability, in this context, stems from a lack of authenticity and honesty.
Accepting Authenticity and Vulnerability
Embracing authenticity and vulnerability is fundamental in relationships. Genuine connections require individuals to be true to themselves, without resorting to a curated version for validation or control. This approach fosters meaningful connections and establishes trust, leading to more fulfilling and sustainable relationships.
Embracing Change and Growth
Showing up as your true self, even at the risk of rejection, is essential for attracting and cultivating relationships with emotionally available partners. It's about embracing your entirety without the need for performance or inauthenticity. In summary, understanding and embracing emotional availability is key to developing genuine, meaningful relationships. Through self-reflection, embracing authenticity and vulnerability, and being open to change and growth, individuals can foster deeper connections based on mutual emotional availability. This journey towards emotional maturity not only enhances personal well-being but also enriches our relationships with others.
Questions for Reflection & Discussion
1. What do you think emotional availability means to you after listening to the episode? How does it differ from your previous understanding, if at all?
2. Stephanie mentions the importance of emotional authenticity and maturity in relationships. Do you think you are emotionally available to your partners or friends? Why or why not?
3. How do you think emotional availability impacts the dynamics of a relationship? Do you agree with Stephanie's perspective that it's more fruitful to start within ourselves when it comes to emotional availability?
4. Is there a particular instance in your life where you found yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
5. Stephanie talks about anxious attachment patterns and the tendency to shapeshift in relationships. Have you ever experienced this behaviour in yourself or others?
6. How do you feel about the concept of "performing" in relationships? Do you think this is a common behavior, and if so, how does it affect emotional availability?
7. Stephanie talks about the inherent discomfort in receiving emotional availability when one is accustomed to not receiving it. Have you ever experienced a similar discomfort in your own life? How did you handle it?
8. Stephanie discusses the toll of inauthenticity and its impact on relationships. Can you identify instances in your life where inauthenticity affected your relationships, and if so, how did you navigate this?
9. Stephanie emphasises the importance of trust and being fully oneself in a relationship. What steps do you think you can take to build this trust and authenticity in your own relationships?
Further Links & Resources
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability or emotional unavailability. I think that this is one of those terms and one of those concepts that's thrown around a lot, particularly in the world of instagram and social media more broadly when we're talking about dating and red flags and what to look for and building healthy relationships. And I think that's with good reason. But I also think it's really important, as always, to approach these sorts of big labels with a level of nuance and articulating.
[00:01:06]:
What does it really mean when we're talking about emotional availability? What are we looking for in other people? And I would argue, more importantly, what does that look like within us? Because I think it's really easy to focus on the ways in which someone else might be, quote unquote, emotionally unavailable and almost distract ourselves with all of their shortcomings and everything that we want them to change, while overlooking the ways in which we might be exhibiting certain signs of emotional unavailability, albeit maybe taking a different form. I think that a lot of the time the trope of the unavailable person is someone who is more avoidant and aloof and hot and cold and you can't really seem to crack them and you don't know what's what. And so while if you're more anxious leaning, you might not fit that description, I think there are some less obvious ways that we can ourselves be emotionally unavailable and in so doing can prevent the kind of deeper, more authentic connection that we really crave. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before we dive into that, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment is still open for registration. We had the Black Friday sale over the weekend, which has now ended, but you are still able to join at the usual early bird price. All of that is on my website. For those who are interested, we've got just shy of 300 people in the past week or so, which is just amazing.
[00:02:33]:
And it's always so gratifying for me to see people coming into the programme and feeling so much optimism and so much commitment to really making some changes in their blueprint when it comes to relationship to self and others. So if that feels like something that you would like to take steps towards, I'd love to see you inside the programme. And as I said, all of that should be relatively easy to find on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around emotional availability. So I think it's useful to frame the discussion by asking, what do we mean when we talk about emotional availability, I think it probably means different things to different people, as I said, because it's a term that's tossed around so liberally. I think everyone's probably got their own version of what that means when they are talking about emotional availability or unavailability. But what I think of this term as meaning is someone who is mature emotionally, who's able to articulate themselves, who's open to having conversations with other people when it comes to not only emotions but anything else that might arise concerns, boundaries, those sorts of things. Someone who is authentically themselves, who isn't playing games, who isn't misleading, who isn't performing.
[00:03:54]:
Someone who you feel really comfortable with because you feel like you're connecting with that person in their true expression, rather than feeling like there's facades and there's masks and tricks and games which are not always coming from a place of malice or an intention to manipulate. But I think when we lack internal security, we resort to all sorts of tactics to try and win over people's approval or present a certain version of ourselves. And as I'll come to shortly, I think that we can fall prey to those sorts of tactics no matter where we sit on the spectrum. We can engage in those things as a way to create a semblance of comfort, confidence, safety for ourselves, even if ultimately it's kind of trapping us in something that isn't truly authentic. So I think that that's really the essence of it for me is that emotional availability is authenticity and emotional maturity. So I think that when we have this conception of the person, I think it's most often used in the context of dating. Although of course, emotional availability is relevant and important in any relationship, romantic or not. I think that it most often comes up in the context of dating.
[00:05:15]:
And it's like, how do I spot someone who's emotionally unavailable so I can avoid them like the plague and save myself the trouble? And I think that again, I understand the desire to steer clear of people who maybe aren't in the same place as you or don't want the same things as you or don't have the capacity that you seek in. A partner in terms of having that deeper connection and that emotionality and vulnerability between you that allows you to really feel like you can trust them. But what I think is much more interesting than listing out traits of things to avoid in other people, as you guys would know if you've followed my work for a while and listened to the podcast. I think the much more illuminating analysis is what is it within me that feels attracted to that in the first place? Because it's really easy. I've done an episode on this before and the reasons we might be attracted to unavailable people. And I think that it's really easy to kind of throw up our hands and say everyone's so emotionally unavailable. And I'm not. The problem doesn't lie with me.
[00:06:23]:
It's everyone else in the dating pool who's the problem. And I just need to sharpen my tools in terms of avoiding the bad people and then all my problems will be solved. And if only it were that simple. I think that what we really need to get honest about is there's something within me that is attracted to that or that feels some sense of comfort in the dynamic of chasing the unavailable person, of performing, of gameplaying, of tiptoeing around that, of trying to earn the love and approval of someone. And I think that we have to see that within ourselves and get really curious about it because that comes with its own form of emotional unavailability, right? This is really speaking more to the anxious experience because as I said, I think that the stereotype of the emotionally unavailable person is someone who's more kind of classically, typically avoidant. But I think emotional unavailability in the context of more anxious attachment patterns tends to manifest as performing as shapeshifting, like being a mirror for someone else. If they say that they like something, you quickly agree and say you like it too. Or if they want to do something, you agree and you acquiesce and you just follow someone else's lead all the time and kind of lose yourself in the process.
[00:07:47]:
And of course we know that that can come from a lot of different things of really just wanting to be chosen or feeling like being low maintenance is the way to be loved. And that to be difficult is to be unlovable. All of those things that we've talked about before on the show. But the reality is that when we conceal so much of ourselves, when we bury so much of ourselves or subdue certain parts of us that we fear are unworthy of love or unacceptable or make us difficult, we're not being emotionally available either because we're not being authentic, we're not being honest. We're presenting a very carefully crafted, curated view of us that we think is going to be the ticket to kind of controlling for an outcome. And oftentimes that outcome is being chosen and having someone love us and not doing anything that could possibly jeopardise the connection. But when we do that, we are inadvertently jeopardising the connection because we're not authentically being there. We're not showing up as our true selves, we're not maybe advocating for ourselves, we're not just being forthcoming with how we're feeling something that might be bothering us.
[00:08:54]:
All of that is part of emotional availability as well. And so I think it's really important to see how these things interface with each other and that while it is really much easier to just point the finger at someone who's unavailable in more obvious ways, we can say, what do you mean? I'm available all the time. I'm always available if you want to hang out with me, how could you be calling me emotionally unavailable? I have big emotions. I think there's a little more to it than that. And I think that if we return to at least how I think of emotional availability as being honesty, authenticity and emotional maturity and all the things that flow from that, I think we can see that maybe we are attracted to and attracting people who maybe mirror where we are at in terms of our own emotional availability. And so it might be useful and enlightening to kind of reflect on that and go okay, maybe I'm getting back what I'm putting out and start there. Always starting there I think is a good idea, starting with ourselves because it can be. We were having a conversation in my small group coaching programme earlier today and someone was sharing that their partner is really showing up and it's quite daunting because she is really accustomed to burying needs or working really, really hard to just get scraps of attention from someone or scraps of validation.
[00:10:27]:
And it can actually be quite disconcerting or quite foreign to your system. When you are met with someone's availability and consistency and care and attention and support, all of a sudden your system might sort of reject it and push it away and go I don't know how to receive that because I'm so accustomed to not receiving that and to fighting for it only to be disappointed. And there's some sort of weird familiarity in that dynamic and it leaves me feeling really out of my depths when all of a sudden someone is available. And I think that often it's in those situations that we are shown our own work because we might all of a sudden feel a lot of resistance coming up, feel that all of a sudden we have nowhere to hide. And that's really scary. If we've always blamed the other person for the lack of connection or the lack of depth or the lack of commitment and all of a sudden they're showing up with depth and connection and commitment and then we're pushed to go okay, well, who am I going to be in response to that? Am I ready for those things? Am I ready to be seen and known? Because when we haven't had that in the past, it's a really, really scary thing and it really raises the stakes. It's, as I said, in a weird sort of way, much more comfortable to just sit in the dissatisfaction and kind of lament the fact that someone won't change but all the while being comforted by the fact that they're the problem and it's not us. So all of that to say, I think that in this conversation around emotional availability, it helps to broaden the lens on what that means and what that can look like and what the converse emotional unavailability.
[00:12:13]:
How that can show up in ways that we might not typically associate with emotional unavailability in the more common sense of avoidance and associated behaviours. And going, oh, is my lack of authenticity in terms of my people pleasing and my approval seeking and my tiptoeing and my strategizing and all of those little things that I do behind the scenes to try and control for the outcome that I want. Maybe that's emotional unavailability too, and maybe that's blocking some of the connection that I really crave. So maybe my freedom and my relief and a new way of being in relationships requires me to change the inputs on my side of the equation and to kind of lay down some of those old strategies and take the brave steps towards showing up more authentically and trusting that if that does yield to the worst case scenario that our fear would have us believe, if we show up authentically and honestly and we stop curating this perfect version of ourselves that we think will be the lovable version, and we just allow ourselves to be enough. If someone leaves in response to that, well, I think that that's kind of a blessing in disguise, because otherwise you're locked into a lifetime of performance and a lifetime of inauthenticity, and that's a really, really tiring game to play. So I think that there's a lot to be said for just trusting that for the right person or people, you, all of you, it's going to be enough. In fact, it's going to be delightful and lovable and wonderful and that someone who is themselves emotionally available and who has done that work is going to be ready for all of it and is going to have realistic expectations about what it means to be in a relationship. And you don't have to bury parts of yourself or feelings or fears or insecurities, you don't have to try and hide that from someone in order to trick them into loving you.
[00:14:23]:
As I said, that's a really exhausting way to be in relationship and I think it's one that sooner or later really catches up with us and tends not to give us what we really desire, which is safety in relationships. So I hope that that has been helpful given you something to think about when it comes to emotional availability. And as I said, of course we can look out for that in other people, but I think it's always more fruitful to start within and start with ourselves and the way we're showing up and watch that ripple out. So thank you so much for joining me, I'm so grateful for all of your support. The spotify wrapped, year in review stuff has come out today and I'm being tagged by so many beautiful people who have been staunch supporters of the show and I've seen some amazing statistics on my side, people listening all over the world and I'm just eternally grateful always for your support. So thanks for being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:15:29]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. It's.
Embracing Change and Growth
attachment, emotional availability, emotional unavailability, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, dating, red flags, authenticity, emotional maturity, boundaries, self-esteem, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional connection, vulnerability, self-discovery, personal growth, relationship coaching, self-acceptance, self-reflection, personal development, people-pleasing, approval seeking, fear of rejection, intimacy, emotional intelligence, authenticity in relationships, self-awareness, resilience.