#92 How to Manage Jealousy in Relationships
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Today's episode is especially beneficial for those grappling with jealousy resulting from a partner's past wrongdoings. Together, we'll learn how to create a safe space for addressing these feelings and communicating them respectfully.. So tune in, and let's redefine your understanding of jealousy in relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about jealousy, how to manage jealousy in relationships.
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So I think unless you are superhuman, the most confident and secure person to ever walk the planet, you've probably experienced jealousy at one point or another in your relationships. And that's because jealousy is a very, very normal part of being human. But I think that we could all agree that there are healthy, normal expressions of jealousy and then there are versions of jealousy that can really send us to not so healthy places, both within ourselves and our relationships. So I'm hoping that in today's conversation, I can give a bit of context for jealousy and unpacking what might be the drivers of that, if it's something that you experience very acutely in your relationship. And also some tips on how you can talk to your partner about jealousy, any particular situations that might be triggering your jealousy, and how you can navigate those together in a way that hopefully brings you closer, rather than it being a persistent wedge between you that really drives your part and undermines the security of the partnership.
0:01:36.56 → 0:02:00.32
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. As I've mentioned in the past few episodes, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature course, is reopening for enrollment later this month. Over a thousand people have been through Healing Anxious Attachment in the last year or so since I first launched it. It's a really powerful programme and it's one that I'm always improving and adding more to.
0:02:00.37 → 0:02:33.33
So this will be the fifth round and it will be the best yet, I have no doubt. If you're wanting to find out more or join the programme when it opens later this month, jump onto the waitlist via the link in my show notes or by heading straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. And being on that waitlist will ensure that you get first access when doors open and also guarantee you early bird pricing, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I love this one. Like a cup of hot chocolate for the heart.
0:02:33.47 → 0:03:05.25
Finding fulfilling relationships in which we're able to calm and offer soothing care to each other is so central to our human experience. Navigating the obstacles that different insecure attachment styles throw up is such a key challenge as we seek to cultivate meaningful relationships. Steph's podcast sparkles luminously with warmth, empathy, kindness and care as she invites curiosity to illuminate how we relate with the most important of tools, insight and understanding that's such a beautifully written review like you must be a writer. Thank you so much for the kind words. I really, really appreciate it.
0:03:05.37 → 0:03:49.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around jealousy. So, as I said in the introduction, jealousy is an emotion like any other and as such it's not something that we should be judging as bad. And yet I think for most of us we've been conditioned to see jealousy as a problem, maybe as a sign of weakness or a sign of insecurity. We might tell ourselves a story that if I were more confident or if I were more secure or more something, then I wouldn't struggle with jealousy.
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But I don't think that's true. I think that we feel really ashamed of our jealousy when really jealousy is a very normal and natural human emotion and part of the human experience. The evolutionary psychologists would describe jealousy as a mate protection strategy, meaning when you feel like your relationship is threatened in some way by someone or something extraneous to the relationship, jealousy arises as this emotion that compels you to do something about it, to take action in protection of your partnership. And so when we see it in those terms, it kind of makes sense as an evolutionary protective mechanism that we would feel this jealousy and all of the emotions that might accompany it anger or rage or frustration or fear because it's threatening our relationship. And our relationship is something that obviously we experience as part of our safety and survival.
0:04:52.09 → 0:05:50.63
So when we look at jealousy in that way, all of a sudden it kind of makes a lot of sense, as do most of our emotions. And if you're familiar with my work, you know that I'm all in favour of approaching our emotions with a level of curiosity and trying to figure out why they make sense rather than just trying to shut them down or shame ourselves or make ourselves wrong for the things that we're feeling. That approach tends to only make things worse, only exacerbate the challenging feelings that we're having because we're layering there's a primary emotion of jealousy or fear or anger. And on top of that we're adding shame and self criticism and self blame, which tends to just add more stress and resistance to our system rather than softening the system and creating more integration. So I suppose the first point here is please don't judge yourself for experiencing jealousy because we all do from time to time.
0:05:50.75 → 0:06:40.88
It really is a very natural and normal human thing. So let's try and take the philtre of judgement off jealousy as with all other emotions, because there's really very little to be gained by judging our emotions as we experience them. Now, I think the thing with jealousy is, while I can certainly say and honestly say that there's nothing inherently wrong with jealousy, we could probably all agree that sometimes jealousy can be very all consuming and if managed poorly, it can really damage a relationship. So I think that when jealousy gets out of control, or perhaps I should say the behaviours that might be fueled by jealousy can get out of control. That's where we can get to the territory of really harmful, unsafe, disrespectful, untrusting dynamics.
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And I should just clarify here, I'm not speaking about abusive situations, although obviously jealousy can play a part there in domestic abuse and violence and things of that nature. That's not the scope of my work. So really what I'm talking about here is more the behaviours if you are the jealous one of things like snooping or trying to gather information or making accusations or stalking even invading someone's privacy. Kind of getting into this feverish state of thinking that there is this threat to the relationship from something outside and that you go into almost a panicked state trying to regain some semblance of control. And for those who tend more towards anxious attachment, this does tend to look like information gathering and accusation and finding some solace in feeling like you know the truth.
0:07:39.41 → 0:08:19.90
Because the uncertainty of the unknown coupled with jealousy and suspicion can be just maddening for you. And I say that as someone who has experienced it, as I have, many of the things that I talk about on this podcast. So while jealousy managed poorly can absolutely drive a relationship into the ground, I think that jealousy managed well can actually bring you closer. And that might sound a bit crazy for you if that's not been your experience. And jealousy has only ever been something that has chipped away at the connection and has ultimately maybe torpedoed the connection.
0:08:20.03 → 0:09:07.35
And that's understandable. I think that in a pretty classic anxious, avoidant dynamic, particularly one where the people involved maybe lack the skills and the emotional capacity to be empathetic in moments and times of stress, which I think goes for most couples before they've done this work, right. We lose our capacity to be caring about the other person's experience when we're under a lot of stress or we feel like we're being attacked or anything in that vein. I think what often happens in that very classic expression of the anxious avoidance dynamic in the context of jealousy is the anxious person. You're probably very hyper attuned hypersensitive to anything that feels threatening to the relationship because the relationship is your lifeline, right?
0:09:07.47 → 0:10:02.95
That connection is so primal for you and your need to protect it is off the charts. And so any slight hint of a threat to the relationship is going to register really high on your threat levels and you are going to go into full fixing mode or harm minimization or whatever else you might do as a way to try and deal with that threat. Unfortunately, sometimes those behaviours can be unhealthy and dysregulated and highly emotional in a way that is not very productive, that doesn't really allow your partner to meet you in that in a way that is connective and supportive. Now, as always, we have the other side of the coin, which is the more avoidant experience. And we know that the sensitivity is of the more avoided partner, whereas the anxious person is very, very sensitive to anything that threatens the relationship.
0:10:03.15 → 0:11:01.00
The avoided partner is very, very sensitive to anything that feels like an accusation, that feels like an attempt to control, that feels like telling them they have done something wrong when they feel like they haven't done something wrong. And so to the extent that the jealousy is unfounded and I'll come to what I mean by that in a moment, the extent that it's unfounded, an example might be if you're on the more anxious side and you are very jealous of someone that your partner works with because they have a friendship and you feel really threatened by this person, they might be really attractive or really confident or otherwise have some quality that you envy, and so you feel really threatened by them. Provided there's nothing actually untoward about the relationship. Your more avoidant partner might really not take that very well. Might feel like they're being accused of something that they haven't done where there is no wrongdoing.
0:11:01.06 → 0:11:54.79
And so they might really be very dismissive or defensive in the face of you voicing, your jealousy, your concerns. They might feel like you're prying and they haven't deserved that level of scrutiny or surveillance. And so they might become very protective. Now, unfortunately, as is often the case in that anxious avoidant dynamic, when not dealt with skillfully, that defensiveness and dismissiveness in the face of your vulnerability and fear tends to heighten things, right? So if you're expressing that you're jealous and insecure and they're telling you that you're crazy and that you're being paranoid, but they're not really engaging or providing emotional support because they're feeling too attacked or like their backs up against the wall, you're probably not going to get much comfort or reassurance from their emotional response.
0:11:54.89 → 0:13:04.96
And so while you might not proceed with pushing it in terms of outwardly discussing it internally, it's unlikely that you've gotten the relief that you were looking for and then you tend to escalate internally until you next erupt with some other fear driven response. So I think that that's how it can often play out in that anxious avoidant dynamic is you've got hypersensitivity coupled with hypersensitivity to one thing, coupled with hypersensitivity to another. And as always, they kind of click together like puzzle pieces that can really set each other off and exacerbate the other's insecurity, rather than allowing you to build a bridge and come together and find something that is mutually loving, respectful, supportive, of both of your needs. So all of that being said, I did say that I'd speak to this idea of where jealousy is unfounded. And the reason that I want to call that out is because sometimes people are really hard on themselves for being jealous when jealousy is the natural consequence of a breach of trust in the relationship that has happened previously.
0:13:05.10 → 0:14:19.12
I've spoken about this in the context of infidelity and how to rebuild trust after infidelity. But I think that if you experience jealousy and that flows from a past experience whereby your partner has breached trust in a circumstance that looks similar to the one that you're in now. So if we return to the attractive colleague example, if your partner has previously crossed a line with a colleague in a way that was a breach of trust in your relationship, and then there's a new colleague and they're insisting that there's nothing untoward going on, that it looks and feels similar to you, even if there is nothing untoward going on. I think the person on the receiving end of that probably has to give you a little bit more latitude, a little bit more scope and grace, because your jealousy is the natural consequence of their wrongdoing in the past. So that's not something to overly focus on because as I said, I think ideally we want to be sharing and validating a partner's jealousy, or at least be creating a safe space to bring that to the relationship, irrespective of whether it's founded or not.
0:14:19.57 → 0:15:02.85
Because I think ultimately we want to be in relationships where we are a safe recipient for our partner to bring whatever they're experiencing and particularly where our conduct is causing them to experience some sort of inner turmoil or insecurity. Very little is gained from bottling that up and making it our problem to solve rather than bringing it to the arena of the relationship when it is ultimately a relational issue. Now, there are better ways to do that and worse ways to do that. As always, I really recommend that to the extent you're struggling with jealousy and you want to bring it to your partner, you don't want to frame it as an accusation. You don't want to say, I'm jealous because you're doing this bad thing, or anyone would be jealous in my situation.
0:15:02.94 → 0:15:44.51
And why can't you see that? What's wrong with you? Anything like that is immediately going to put someone on the defensive and you're not going to get what you want in terms of having them really hear you and be available to empathise and validate because they're going to be too staunchly in defensive mode and fair enough. So the way that we want to do it is, as always, bringing a combination of self responsibility and honesty and openness and respect. So I think that's really how you deliver it in a way that allows you to come closer into connection as a result of that vulnerability and that openness.
0:15:44.69 → 0:16:44.80
And so sharing that and saying, I find myself feeling really jealous of this, can we talk about it? I recognise that this might be some of my stuff because I know that I've struggled with jealousy in the past, or I know that I've got some of my unworthiness stuff still to deal with and that that can lead me to feel really threatened by people that I feel intimidated by or that I feel are whatever threatening to me in some way because I really envy them or admire them. So I know that this is my stuff. And at the same time, here's how you could support me to feel safe and reassured and comforted within our relationship. Recognising that it's ultimately in both of our best interests for us to be protecting the primacy of our relationship, rather than letting these extraneous things get in the way of that and fester in a way that ultimately erodes the bond between us.
0:16:45.57 → 0:17:30.00
You might recall an episode I did recently with Stan Tatkin, who is a superstar in this space. He's written many books and developed his own couple's therapy modality. But Stan has this concept of thirds, and a third is anything that threatens the primacy of the couple relationship. Obviously this is talking about monogamous relationships, but a third could be a person, it could be a child, it could be work, it could be social media. It's basically like anything outside of the relationship that one or both partners feel is threatening to the primacy of the connection.
0:17:30.08 → 0:18:41.18
And Stan in his work, really emphasises the absolute paramount importance of being pretty proactive about dealing with thirds as they arise, rather than letting them fester because they really can erode the relationship over time and jealousy can turn into resentment and disconnection and all sorts of other things. Whereas if we just deal with them as they arise and we call them out and we bring them to the other person and we have enough of a safe agreement between us that we are going to be a safe landing ground for those fears and those concerns, then that really allows us to approach these issues in a way that is not accusatory and it's not a source of disconnection. It actually brings us closer together because I think to be able to bring to someone your vulnerability and doing it in a self responsible way, that's really a loving thing to do because it's in support of the relationship's long term health and well being. So I hope that that has been a helpful take on jealousy. As I said, jealousy is so normal, it's not something to beat yourself up over.
0:18:41.36 → 0:19:10.12
Maybe the last thing that I'll add just as I'm speaking now, that's occurred to me. If you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and this is more for my anxious attachers. And you know that you get kind of frenzied around it and you get into such an anxious spiral that it feels like you are possessed by the devil and you're being taken over, and you behave in all of these crazy ways that afterwards you're like, wow, what was that? And you feel a lot of shame. Again, you might be able to tell from my tone of voice that I have experience with that and I have been there.
0:19:10.25 → 0:20:11.22
I think a really good idea is to call on a lot of those nervous system regulation tools that I've spoken about briefly on the podcast, but also that I teach very comprehensively in healing anxious attachment. Regulating first, rather than acting while fueled by that frenzied energy of extreme jealousy is a really good idea. So I think kind of bringing some stability and security to your body first, rather than just taking that feeling and letting it become like beer goggles, that makes everything feel extremely threatening and everything feels true and urgent and frantic, and you do feel possessed, like you have to act on it right then and there. And that can lead to behaviour that you really do regret afterwards, because it's probably not the most reasoned and rational approach. So definitely don't forget those nervous system regulation tools if you're someone who can get into that state of real panicked anxiety around jealousy.
0:20:11.33 → 0:20:26.17
Okay? So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, super grateful if you can leave a review. As I said, make sure to jump on the waitlist for healing anxious attachment if that is something that you are interested in checking out in a couple of weeks time. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:20:26.26 → 0:20:46.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:47.11 → 0:20:50.12
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#91 Navigating Boundaries with an Ex
Ever been caught in that tricky situation of setting boundaries with an ex? Navigating this territory can be a daunting task, especially when co-parenting or shared responsibilities are at play. We promise to equip you with strategies for establishing firm boundaries and prioritising your well-being during this intricate process. Join me, Stephanie Rigg, as we explore a roadmap to conquering insecurities and fostering emotional maturity when interacting with an ex.
Ever been caught in that tricky situation of setting boundaries with an ex? Navigating this territory can be a daunting task, especially when co-parenting or shared responsibilities are at play. We promise to equip you with strategies for establishing firm boundaries and prioritising your well-being during this intricate process. Join me, Stephanie Rigg, as we explore a roadmap to conquering insecurities and fostering emotional maturity when interacting with an ex.
As we move deeper into the episode, we discuss the paramount importance of self-care when dealing with an ex. It's not just about setting boundaries; it's about setting up your mind and emotions for success. Discover how to handle emotions that may surface during interactions with an ex, and how to break free from unhealthy dynamics. Learn the art of peaceful co-existence as we provide you with tools to rebuild self-trust and look after your mental health and wellbeing. Stay tuned, and by the end of our exploration, you will be equipped to maintain healthy boundaries and navigate difficult relationships with confidence.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:43.99
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about navigating boundaries with an ex. So I think that it's fair to say boundaries as a general topic, an area of relationships, something that a lot of people find really challenging.
0:00:44.07 → 0:01:36.95
I think a lot of us are unaccustomed to advocating for ourselves in a way that feels balanced and confident, while also not turning into a tyrant and dictating to everyone around us how they have to behave. And you would have heard me say before, I think boundaries is one of those areas where people tend to experience a pretty pronounced pendulum swing when they go from never having heard of what a boundary was or never having set one before. And it being a really foreign concept to encountering this body of work and swinging to the other extreme of laying down the law with any and every person that they have any sort of relationship with. And as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle when it comes to boundaries. And I've got many other episodes around boundaries and I've got a master class all about boundaries.
0:01:37.03 → 0:02:24.87
So as a general topic, there's a lot to speak to with boundaries, but specifically in today's episode, we're going to be looking at the topic of boundaries as applied to relationships with an ex. So I think in some situations it's complicated due to structural factors. I know I get a lot of messages from people who may be co parent with an ex where there's been a divorce, or still cohabitate with an ex, or share a pet or work together. Any number of other things that make it hard to have a clean break and have really very defined boundaries that allow you to emotionally disentangle yourselves from one another and move on with your lives. While that might be the ideal, I recognise that it's not always possible.
0:02:25.07 → 0:02:53.95
And so today I'm going to be talking to some specific situations. So first I'll be unpacking why it can feel challenging to set those boundaries with an X. And then I'm going to give a few different examples of how I would navigate boundaries in specific circumstances with an X. So hopefully that will give you lots to work with and lots to adapt and apply to your own situations to the extent that this might be relevant to you. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:54.03 → 0:03:48.77
The first being you might have heard me mention in the last couple of episodes that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, is coming up again soon, towards the end of the month. I'm going to be reopening the programme and you can sign up for the waitlist via the link in the show notes, which will allow you to be notified when doors open, but also save $100 on the sign up price and access that exclusive early bird pricing. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you enjoy what I do on the podcast, and you'd like to dive into my work in a way that really gives you a very comprehensive, deep dive into your experience of anxious attachment as well as the tools to cultivate a secure attachment and secure relationship both within yourself and with the people in your life. Healing anxious attachment is a really wonderful option. So definitely jump on the waitlist if you're not already.
0:03:48.84 → 0:04:18.51
I think there's already almost 1000 people on the waitlist, which is pretty amazing, but definitely join that if you're keen to secure your place when doors open at the end of the month. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is no matter if you're avoidant anxious or other, if you're open to growth, this is such an amazing thing to listen to. Stephanie speaks so kindly and in such a supportive way and gives such amazing observations and guidance. I can't recommend it enough. I've been working on my self growth a lot in my life lately and this podcast has been a huge catalyst in my growth.
0:04:19.33 → 0:04:40.16
Thank you so much. I'm so touched by those words and I really, really appreciate being part of your journey. That's really lovely to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around boundaries with an ex.
0:04:40.26 → 0:05:19.36
Now, as I said, boundaries are really challenging for a lot of us. A lot of us are accustomed to putting other people first, right? To caretaking, other people's comfort, to prioritising other people's emotions. And so the idea of taking action that is in our best interests, that might have an adverse impact on someone else, can feel very, very edgy. It can feel like it's flying in the face of everything that we've ever known to be true about relationships and about what it means to be liked, accepted, loved, approved of.
0:05:19.49 → 0:06:18.03
For those of us who rely on people pleasing or that compulsive need to be liked and to control how we're perceived by other people, the idea of setting a boundary that might mean someone else is hurt or inconvenienced or upset or disappointed in us, it feels really hard. As I said, I think boundaries with an ex represent a very unique situation because there's a lot of stuff wrapped up in it. So whereas boundaries in a primary relationship, so we'll stick to romantic relationships for the sake of this conversation, whereas boundaries in a primary relationship really require us to find mutually workable solutions. So again, I think this is one of those areas where people kind of misunderstand the point of boundaries. People think that it's about me telling you how to behave with respect to me and if you don't, there will be consequences and it all becomes very authoritarian a lot of the time.
0:06:18.12 → 0:07:23.17
But I think really healthy boundaries allow us to find a way to be in connection with one another that honours both of our limits, right? It's saying, in order for me to be in relationship with you, here's what works and here's what doesn't. And that obviously can show up in a lot of different ways and expressions. But whereas in a primary relationship there is this need for mutuality and I think the more we can convey the mutual benefit of a boundary, then not only does it become much more likely to stick, but it becomes much less intimidating to set that boundary because it really becomes an invitation into more connection rather than feeling like a wall that is going to keep someone out or push them away. When it comes to boundaries with an ex, I think there is more scope to be selfish and indeed oftentimes setting boundaries with an ex will require you to be selfish in the sense of putting your own needs squarely ahead of the needs of someone else.
0:07:23.34 → 0:07:51.61
Now, one of the areas that this often comes up is in the wake of a breakup, right? In the immediate aftermath where I'll get messages from people saying, I feel really guilty, my ex is really upset and keeps messaging me or keeps calling me, and I feel so bad. I feel such a sense of guilt that I keep engaging with them because I don't want them to feel upset. And I feel like I've been the cause of that. How do I deal with this situation?
0:07:51.78 → 0:08:39.95
And I think that that is an area where it's really important that you do set the boundary. Because even though in the short term it might feel like you are causing them hurt or harm by disengaging and by setting a boundary and really holding firm on it, query what you're actually doing by continuing to participate and caretake and be the emotional crutch for someone who you're no longer in a relationship with. I know that it's very hard to set that boundary and I've been in that situation before and not handled it terribly well, but ultimately it just makes it harder for both of you, right? Because provided it's not changing the outcome of the breakup, you're just kicking the cam down the road on that emotional disentanglement that needs to happen. Ultimately, you are going to have to decouple from one another sooner or later.
0:08:40.15 → 0:09:48.65
And so continuing to be each other's emotional support person throughout that process where you're really tender and hurting is not really in either of your interests. So I think it's a really good example of where boundaries might feel harsh and hard, but they're actually kind ultimately, because they're honest and they really support us to take care of ourselves and they support the other person to take care of themselves in a way that is healthier and more adaptive in the long run. So really emphasising that you are allowed to do what is right for you. Insofar as boundaries with an ex are concerned, caretaking, their feelings, their emotions, stewarding them through the breakup and the aftermath of that really isn't your responsibility and frankly shouldn't be your responsibility for either of your sakes. So full permission to set boundaries with an ex that are selfish, right, that are prioritising your needs and your processing and your moving on above the processing, the needs, the emotions of your ex partner.
0:09:48.75 → 0:10:19.06
Trust me when I say that it's in both of your interests for you to do that. Now, I said I was going to run through some specific circumstances where you might struggle with boundary setting with an ex and give you just some quick tips around that. So the first one here, and it's kind of in the same vein as what I was just speaking to, is a scenario where you and your ex have never really had any boundaries since breaking up. There's a lot of confusing, conflicting feelings. You still love and miss each other, but you're not in a relationship.
0:10:19.43 → 0:10:31.33
So you've broken up, but you've still been in frequent contact. Maybe you've still been seeing each other. Maybe you've even still been sleeping together. So I get people asking me what do I do in this situation? How do I let go?
0:10:31.53 → 0:11:08.67
And I think this is one where we need to have inner boundaries and we need to have relational boundaries. And it's one of those ones that feels really complicated but in fact is very simple. It's just hard, okay? And noticing where that distinction lies, the things that are simple but not easy, I think we'd like to tell ourselves that they're very complicated because that almost gives us an excuse not to act. Whereas if we acknowledge that it's actually quite straightforward, it's just difficult, then it's more incumbent on us to stop participating and take responsibility and do something about it.
0:11:08.71 → 0:12:05.74
So I think in the scenario where you know you're not going to get back together, you know that the relationship didn't work, but you haven't had that real clean break at any point and there's just been this lagging continuity of contact and intimacy. I think that's a scenario where having a no contact period and really just committing to yourself that you're going to do that and follow through is extremely important. I've talked about self trust a lot on the show before, but I really think that nothing harms your sense of self trust like continuing to knowingly participate in dynamics that you know, deep down are really not healthy for you and yet you do it from this place of, oh, but I can't help it. I think that's a really disempowered thing and it's not really honest because you can help it. You just have to prioritise your longer term well being over your short term desires or impulses.
0:12:05.80 → 0:12:39.72
And of course that takes a level of emotional maturity and capacity. But you can do that and the more that you do it. So every time you say no to meeting up, or that you don't answer the phone, or that you respond to a text saying, we're not talking and just holding the boundary rather than engaging, every time you do that, you're building that self trust muscle. So if it's that first situation of continuity of contact, you've never quite disentangled. I really, really encourage you to have a firm boundary with a clean break and a no contact period of at least three months, maybe up to six months.
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And then if it makes sense, you can slowly start to renegotiate what a friendship might look like down the track. But you do need that time to have space from one another and to figure out what your life looks like without them being such a daily feature of it. The next situation that I want to speak to is where your ex contacts you periodically wanting to rekindle, or maybe not even in so many words. It's just like you get the occasional text from them checking in and in a way that feels kind of suggestive and like they're keeping that channel open and you find it difficult not to engage or respond. Now, I think this one really to me has a lot of like for people who are in anxious avoidant kind of relationship, I think they can fall into this one really, really easily.
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So if you are more anxious and your ex was more avoidant and they pop their head up every so often and reach out rather than just holding the boundary or seeing it for what it is, your impulse is likely to be, oh, what does this mean and what do they want? And do you think it's because they miss me or do we think it's because of that? And you probably jump on Google and you start trying to figure it out and decipher it. And the idea of not responding is like the most herculean effort imaginable because everything in your being says not only I want connection with this person that I have an attachment to, but also I want the information, I want to know what it means. And so it really, really takes a lot of self discipline to not take the bait in that situation, to not message back, to not find out what they're up to, to not find out why they're messaging you, to not try and dig deeper.
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And to the extent that they do miss you or they are reaching out for that reason, to not really relish the fact that that might be the case, to be able to just say, like, no matter what their intention is, we broke up, and we're having this period of designated space. And I know that that's for the best, and I know that that's supportive. For me to be able to actually just say that and not take debate takes a huge amount of self discipline and then that's a really important internal boundary for you to hold. But I promise you your self trust and your self respect will be so much stronger for it. So having that internal line and then to the extent that this person is persistent or is not really taking the message, I promise you that if you hold firm they will get the point.
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But when you are indirect and you tiptoe around it and you try and do it in a really sweet likeable way so that you can maintain whatever impression they have of you as being very amicable and accommodating at all times, again, that can't be the priority. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to keep yourself emotionally hygienic and clean. And if that means just holding a firm line and disengaging even if it feels abrasive, I think that ultimately that is in your best interest. And again, full permission to put yourself first when you're navigating boundaries with an ex.
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Now, the third and final situation that I want to speak to, which is a little bit more complicated as I alluded to at the start where there are these structural factors that mean you can't have a clean break with someone. So this might be where you and your ex co parent or you work together and you struggle to navigate those boundaries. This really requires us to find some sort of in between boundary whereby we're able to coexist peacefully in a way that allows us to be civil and doesn't SAP us of a lot of energy by being actively involved in dynamics that are either confusing because there's residual love and feelings there or there's a lot of animosity. I think that just declining to participate in those aspects of the relationship and keeping it pretty, not so much formal but somewhat distanced while still coexisting in whatever manner is required of you. So in the example of co parenting, if you know that there are certain triggers in that relationship, for example, someone being unreliable or hard to contact and you need to rely on them because you co parent and you need to be
0:17:10.12 → 0:17:26.29
able to go between each other's houses or whatever it might be, having very clear boundaries and expectations as between you on how that arrangement is going to work and just not leaving any room for those triggers to arise and clearly stipulating ahead of time.
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For example, if I can't contact you when you're meant to be available, here is what I'm going to do with that. So having as much structure and really pragmatic, practical, pre agreed, almost like rules or governance in the relationship as a way to support yourself, to not be so emotionally open to this person in a way that is likely to pull you back into old dynamics to the extent that that is disruptive of your peace. Now, of course, if you have a really beautiful relationship with an ex and there's no kind of emotional gunk there, there's no real residue and you're able to just peacefully co parent or peacefully coexist at work or wherever else, then that is perfectly wonderful. This episode is really not to say that you need to introduce really hardcore boundaries where they're not needed. So of course, take all of this with a grain of salt and with a level of discernment.
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But to the extent that you are struggling in finding healthy boundaries with an ex in any of these situations or any other situation, my hope is that today's episode will have given you a bit of a feel for not only that permission slip to put yourself first in those situations that you are really allowed to prioritise your well being and your needs and preferences in that situation. While of course, always being kind and respectful, you're allowed to put yourself first even if it means someone else is disappointed or hurt or upset. And I hope that in giving you those situational examples, that you've got a bit more context for specifically how you might tackle those situations. So I really hope that's been helpful. As always.
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Super grateful for anyone who could leave a rating or a review. Let me know what you thought of this episode. If you're listening on Spotify, you can leave a response just to the episode underneath, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. Super helpful for me and it really is so supportive. So I appreciate all of you being here and listening every week.
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Otherwise, thanks so much for being here and I will see you later in the week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.