#167: How to Balance Compassion for Others with Boundaries for Yourself
In today's episode, we're talking about the delicate balance between compassion for others, and boundaries for ourselves. For those of us who tend towards empathy and curiosity towards others' inner worlds, it's easy to fixate on the "why" behind their behaviours (particularly behaviours we don't like or understand). And while that is an admirable trait, without clear boundaries it can easily veer into self-abandonment.
In today's episode, we're talking about the delicate balance between compassion for others, and boundaries for ourselves. For those of us who tend towards empathy and curiosity towards others' inner worlds, it's easy to fixate on the "why" behind their behaviours (particularly behaviours we don't like or understand). And while that is an admirable trait, without clear boundaries it can easily veer into self-abandonment.
I'll share some thoughts on how to find a balance between compassion and generosity in our interpretation of others' behaviour, while also having clarity and firmness in our self-advocacy and knowing what we can and can't tolerate.
Balancing Compassion for Others with Boundaries for Yourself
Navigating the delicate balance between compassion for others and boundaries for oneself is a challenge many face, particularly those with anxious attachment tendencies. This balance is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships without losing oneself in the process. Below we explore how to find and uphold this balance, whether in romantic relationships, family dynamics, or friendships.
Understanding Compassion and Its Role in Relationships
Compassion is the ability to understand and empathise with the suffering or feelings of others. It’s about looking beyond an individual’s actions and seeing the underlying motivations or struggles. This connective empathy can be a beautiful trait, fostering deep and meaningful relationships. However, it can also lead to pitfalls for those who have a tendency to care for others at their own expense.
Anxiously attached individuals are often highly empathetic, making them prone to extending excessive compassion. This can result in overlooking their own needs and boundaries in the hope of maintaining peace and harmony in relationships.
The Pitfalls of Overextending Compassion
When compassion is overextended, it can lead to self-abandonment—a scenario where one’s needs and well-being are compromised to accommodate others. This is particularly common among people with anxious attachment patterns, who may rationalise or excuse unacceptable behaviours from others, simply to hold onto the relationship.
For example, understanding why someone ghosts, such as their fear or anxiety about confrontation, may lead one to excuse this hurtful behaviour repeatedly. While empathy is useful in discerning intent, it shouldn't overshadow the importance of how such actions impact our emotional health and boundaries.
The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in all relationships. They are the invisible lines that denote what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, ensuring mutual respect and individual well-being.
For individuals with tendencies towards anxious attachment, setting and maintaining boundaries might feel daunting. There's often a fear of rocking the boat or losing the relationship if firm lines are drawn. However, without boundaries, individuals risk feeling undervalued, unsupported, and ultimately overwhelmed.
Finding the Middle Ground: Compassion with Boundaries
Striking a balance between compassion and boundaries requires awareness and practice. Here are some key steps to help navigate this delicate dance:
Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your own needs, values, and limits. Regularly checking in with oneself can help in recognising when a boundary needs to be set.
Clear Communication: Articulate your boundaries clearly to others. Explain why certain behaviours are unacceptable and what the repercussions will be if they continue.
Follow Through: Consistency is crucial. If a boundary is crossed, follow through with the stated consequences. This not only reinforces your limits but also builds self-trust.
Balance Empathy: While it’s important to understand the 'why' behind someone’s actions, it’s equally vital not to allow every reason to become an excuse. Assess behaviours through a balanced lens of empathy and self-respect.
Navigating Family Dynamics with Compassion and Boundaries
Family dynamics can be particularly tricky, especially during gatherings like holidays. Unlike romantic relationships, severing ties with family can feel more drastic and complex.
When dealing with family, being realistic about your expectations is key. Here’s how to manage interactions:
Prepare Mentally: Before family gatherings, prepare yourself for the possibility of encountering old triggers and dynamics. Set realistic expectations about how much the family environment is likely to change.
Resource Yourself: Ensure your emotional bucket is full. Engage in activities that keep you grounded and regulated. This might be engaging in meditation, going for a walk, or simply taking some quiet time.
Communicate When Possible: If there are recurring issues, consider addressing them calmly and respectfully before gatherings. Sometimes, a pre-emptive boundary setting can prevent conflicts.
Know When to Step Away: If a situation becomes too intense, it’s okay to step away. Excuse yourself from the room or environment to preserve your well-being.
The Role of Self-Compassion and Self-Respect
At the heart of balancing compassion for others with self-boundaries is self-compassion and self-respect. Recognising that it is both important and necessary to honour your needs and emotional health is fundamental.
Self-compassion allows you to be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes or face difficult decisions. Self-respect ensures that you advocate for your own well-being, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Conclusion
Balancing compassion for others with boundaries for oneself is a dynamic process that requires ongoing self-awareness and intentionality. By understanding where your own limits lie and practising self-care, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships where both parties feel valued and understood. Remember, your responsibility is to take care of yourself first and foremost; this is what ultimately enables you to extend genuine, sustainable compassion to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt conflicted between showing compassion for someone else and respecting your own boundaries. How did you navigate that situation, and what did you learn from it?
Do you notice any patterns of self-abandonment in your relationships? What are some specific examples? How do you feel these patterns have impacted your well-being and sense of self?
How comfortable are you with setting and upholding boundaries? Consider both your romantic and family relationships. In what ways do these challenges differ across these contexts?
When you think about your family dynamics, do you feel you often revert to old roles or behaviours? How does this affect your interactions during family gatherings or holidays?
We often talk about the importance of self-compassion. How do you practice self-compassion, and how do you think it influences your ability to set healthy boundaries in your relationships?
Consider a relationship where you have given someone multiple chances despite repeated boundary violations. What fears or hopes have kept you in that dynamic, and how might reinforcing your boundaries change the outcome?
How does your inner dialogue change when you encounter a trigger in a family setting? How can you shift this dialogue to be more supportive and less reactive?
Reflect on the difference between "knee-jerk" self-protection and mature, intentional self-protection. How can you practice more of the latter in your relationships?
Think about a recent conflict or tension within a close relationship. How did you balance understanding the other person's perspective with staying true to your own needs? What could you have done differently?
How do you typically prepare yourself for interactions with family members who may push your boundaries? What are some strategies you can use to remain grounded and regulated during these interactions?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to balance compassion for others with boundaries for ourself. Now that might not sound like a particularly sexy topic, but it's actually one that I think the vast majority of people, and certainly people within my audience, which tends to be people who struggle with anxious attachment, could use a lesson in. And I think it's one that applies to not only our romantic relationships, but certainly our family dynamics, maybe even friendships. So it's really broadened its application, and at the heart of this is you know, how to stop abandoning yourself in an effort to understand and accommodate others, and particularly in the context of understanding the motives behind someone's behaviour, the context for their behaviour, you know, what leads them to be the way they are, I think those of us who are naturally very empathetic and are naturally driven to try and maintain relationships and hold on to relationships, I think that can create a perfect storm where we spend so much time trying to understand someone that we maybe lose sight of what we actually need in that dynamic, in that relationship, in order to feel, you know, safe and fulfilled and cared for and supported and whatever else. So I wanna share some thoughts on that today and giving you some things to think about in terms of finding where that line is for you. And it will be different in different relationships, you know, what the boundary is that you might need.
[00:02:09]:
That will look different depending on the context, but it's a conversation that I think is really important. As I said, I think this is obviously a big one in romantic relationships, but equally, I think that having compassion and extending compassion and grace towards family members who we might have some tension with, as we go into that holiday season where I know, a lot of people will be spending more time with family than usual, and in circumstances where you might be in close confines, it can turn into a bit of a pressure cooker. Learning how to navigate that with grace so that you're not swinging between extremes of either snapping and isolating yourself or experiencing big ruptures that feel really awful, or just biting your tongue over and over again and copying a lot of stuff that doesn't feel good in the name of keeping the peace, which then veers more towards the self abandonment side of the the seesaw. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today and hopefully some reminders that will allow you to navigate these kinds of relationship dynamics with grace and confidence and maturity and enough regulation and groundedness that you feel like you have choice, that you can stay present in yourself rather than losing yourself. But, you know, you have enough ability to see the situation clearly such that you're not being highly reactive and emotional in your decision making from a place of fear or stress or overwhelm, which as I said, I think they're the 2 extremes that we tend to swing between when it comes to things like this. Before I dive into today's discussion, a couple of quick announcements. My Black Friday sale is now live. You may have gotten an email from me if you're on my email list along with the 5,000,000 other emails that you'd be getting this week.
[00:04:01]:
It's a very generous sale up to 75% off. I've got a master class bundle, which includes all my master classes and my Higher Love course, which is my breakup course, as well as my Secure Together course, which is my anxious avoid a relationship course. All of those are heavily discounted this week, so if you've been interested and eyeing any of those, now's a really great time to jump in. I've also opened applications this week for Homecoming, which is my 6 month mentorship mastermind program. It'll be kicking off in February next year. It's a small group program. It's the most intimate way to work with me at the moment. So if you are looking for a higher touch experience, a way to work more closely with me, I would love to receive your application for homecoming.
[00:04:47]:
I'm really looking forward to running this program again. I had to take a bit of a hiatus to be pregnant and have a baby, but really looking forward to kicking that off in the new year. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around compassion and boundaries, how to balance them, and what that actually looks like. So I wanna start by looking at what happens when we don't have compassion for others, which as a side note, tends to go hand in hand with when we are not very good at having self compassion. So when we lack compassion for others, we tend to be highly judgmental, critical. We tend to take things very personally, so we're very much more reactive and defensive. But if we judge other people's behavior through this lens of right and wrong and how could they do that, and we put ourselves at the center of the story, and we feel like everything is a personal attack.
[00:05:35]:
It really makes us very susceptible to having quite insecure, volatile relationships, right, with a lot of conflict, a lot of rapture, a lot of misunderstanding. And we'll often react to people's behavior with a very naturally defensive response, which makes sense when we think that the behavior is directed at us and we don't like the behavior. We think that everyone's out to get us, trying to hurt us, or are callous and careless in their behavior. And that feels so threatening to our system. And so we feel like we have to do something about it. And oftentimes that looks like telling them about how bad they are and how could they do that. But believe it or not, responding in that way to someone and, you know, trying to tell them about all of the ways that they are wrong and bad tends not to play very well. And I'm sure that you know this as well as I do because most people, I would say the vast majority of people, the vast majority of the time, do not set out with the intention to hurt others.
[00:06:29]:
To cause harm, to be cruel, to be unkind. Usually there is some other thing there going on for them. And even if the desire that is really driving their behaviour is a self centred one, we could use common examples like ghosting. Right? That's a behaviour that most people would agree is not a great behaviour. And it's easy. You know, if ever I've posted a video on Instagram about ghosting, the comments are always riddled with people who have obviously been on the receiving end of ghosting and are very hurt and want to say things like, Anyone who ghosts is just a coward and selfish, narcissistic, whatever other things we want to put in there. And I get it. I get that when you are affected by behavior that you don't like, that you wouldn't choose, that if you cared about someone, you wouldn't behave towards them in that way.
[00:07:20]:
But we can also see that maybe behind someone's ghosting is a desire to not hurt someone's feelings, or intense anxiety, conflict aversion, fear of someone taking it the wrong way or getting angry at them, a commitment to peace and not wanting to have that discomfort and that awkwardness, right? And I'm sure that at various points along the way, we've all felt one of those feelings. Now, that doesn't mean that we would all choose ghosting as the solution, but we can relate to the underlying emotional experience. And so, compassion is really about looking through behavior, looking through the what, and feeling into the why. And going, Oh, okay. That makes sense. I don't necessarily like the behavior. I don't necessarily agree with the choice that you made. But I can understand where it came from.
[00:08:06]:
Now, I think, as I said, a lot of people who are more empathetic, which tends to overlap with people with anxious attachment, those of us who are very attuned to other people's emotional states and very curious about other people's inner worlds tend not to struggle so much with the compassion part. If anything, we tend to over do it on the compassion part and be so accommodating of other people's inner world and so understanding about why they might have behaved the way that they behaved that we start to make excuses or that we veer into the territory of self abandonment. Right? And that looks like when someone behaves in a way that is hurtful, harmful, unacceptable, intolerable to us in some way, And we spend that time trying to figure out why they did it. And then because we think we figured out why, then we decide that it's okay. And we overlook the part in the situation where that behavior is really not workable for us, not tenable for us. And we sort of plow forward, blinded by our empathy and our compassion, and it becomes really imbalanced because we've forgotten about ourselves in that equation. And oftentimes, in the case of anxious ourselves in that equation. And oftentimes, in the case of anxious attachment, that is coming from the part of us that wants to hold onto a relationship.
[00:09:25]:
And maybe we can justify doing so if we go, well, it's because of x, y, z thing. They did it because they were scared. They did it because they were very stressed. And when the thing that they did is something that is unacceptable, that crosses a line for you, that's where we can get into a bit of a danger zone in terms of not having our own back and not taking good care of ourselves, not advocating for ourselves in terms of where our limits lie in relationships. Okay? And so it really is absolutely paramount that we find a way to walk the line in the middle. And this is challenging for people with insecure attachment to do. This is really the crux of, like, all of my work is finding our way to a healthy middle and figuring out what that looks like. Because we do tend to swing between extremes on all fronts, right? On boundaries themselves.
[00:10:18]:
Anxiously attached people tend to have no boundaries. Avoided people tend to have super rigid boundaries. And I think as anxiously attached people start to do the work of bringing more boundaries into their lives, it's really easy to pendulum, swing it overcorrect into something that is really rigid rather than something that sits in the healthy middle that is flexible but firm. So it's really essential as, I suppose, a prerequisite to being able to figure out where that line falls is to be attuned enough to yourself and your inner world to know what you're okay with, what you're comfortable with. And if you've had a long pattern of self abandonment, then you've probably not got a great internal radar for what is okay behaviour. If you've always been in this pattern of making excuses of holding onto a relationship at the expense of your well-being. And so that's going to be part of your work. It's almost honing your sensitivity to your own internal feedback system rather than overriding that internal feedback and just ploughing forward, making excuses for someone else, giving someone a 1,000,001 chances to do the right thing, and actually asking that question of, like, what does taking great care of myself in this situation look like? If I was really firm in my worth and my self respect and my boundaries, would I be available for this kind of dynamic? If someone has a pattern of behavior that's really unacceptable to me and really I can't tolerate, am I just going to keep telling them that they can't do this anymore and then they do it again and then you know, I continue to tell them that they can't do this anymore, but I don't actually follow through on, you know, what I am saying.
[00:12:02]:
I I think that the gap between actions and words, we always judge other people for their words and their actions not aligning without realizing that we are guilty of the very same thing when we don't uphold our boundaries. So understanding what your limits are and being committed enough to them that you will follow through on them. Right? If you say, I cannot tolerate this, then you need to be the one to pull the trigger if behaviour continues that you cannot tolerate and you need to of course it's disappointing if someone doesn't respect a boundary, but it comes to a point where you need to extract yourself from the situation or modify something on your side, rather than just stomping up and down and saying, It's so unfair. Why aren't you changing? Right? And that's, you know, a place again where we can get really stuck and it tends to be for those of us who don't wanna let go of a relationship and don't wanna let go of the hope of change in a relationship. And that's a really powerless place to be. Right? We can really feel like a victim when we're in that, and I say that lovingly. I say that as someone who can very easily fall into that, feeling like the only thing that will make us feel better is the other person doing what we want them to do so that we don't have to do the thing that we're scared to do. Right? So I think figuring out what are my limits? What can I tolerate? And being very clear in your communication of both why the behavior doesn't work for you, what your limit is, and what the consequence will be if something doesn't change or if behavior continues along those lines.
[00:13:31]:
And then being willing to follow through on that. Okay? Now I do wanna just quickly talk about what that might look like in the context of family stuff because I know that family dynamics is this whole load kettle of fish. I actually did a mini training on navigating family dynamics during the holidays for my insider's membership that I recorded yesterday because a few people had asked about this. I know folks in the US are maybe heading home for Thanksgiving this week, and all of that can bring up a lot of stuff. Now romantic relationship boundaries, family boundaries can play out quite differently. They can look quite different. And that is for the simple reason that, for most of us, we can potentially leave a relationship, but cutting ourselves off from our family is going to feel like more of a last resort. That's going to feel really like a big call to make, and that is the right call for some people and some family dynamics.
[00:14:21]:
But for most of us, obviously, that is not what we want, to have to go no contact with family members. And so where we find the line in terms of compassion for others, boundaries for ourselves, that might look a little different, and we may need to do a little bit more negotiation, maybe a little bit more tongue biting just in the interest of self preservation. The I think the parameters can look a little different when it comes to family. So how I would approach this in a family context is assuming that these are people who you love, who love you, you want to maintain a relationship with your family, you want to enjoy family time. Try to be really generous and extend a lot of grace in terms of, again, people's intention. I think that it's really easy in a family context to revert to our original roles in the system, to, as an adult, feel like you've gone back to being a teenager or a child or both. In the course of a day or a meal, you might be transported back in time, and the triggers that existed there, the dynamics that existed there, the reactions that come up can feel like old versions of yourself and old parts of yourself that you are being brought into contact with in a way that kind of still has some charge or sting to it. So being really connected with yourself or yourself aware, and all of the tools that I've talked about many times on this show around processing triggers, pausing before you react, bringing a bit of curiosity to your own experience in terms of, like, what story am I telling myself? What am I making it mean? What intention am I imputing onto them? And how is that leading me to respond or react? Is that necessarily true? Is there a more generous interpretation that I could extend here? All of those things are going to be really resourcing and regulating for you.
[00:16:01]:
On that note, be very mindful of, you know, how full or empty your bucket is as you go into those environments. So take good care to really resource yourself, to regulate yourself, and to have a toolkit of things that you can reach for to bring yourself back into a little more regulation. So that might be going for a walk, it might be listening to some music or doing a guided meditation, maybe limiting alcohol. I think we all know that alcohol can be an accelerant or a way to amplify a lot of these dynamics. So if you know that you tend to get a little more fiery after you've had a few drinks, maybe be mindful of that, and maybe set a boundary for yourself that you're not going to snap or you're not going to go there if people have been drinking because it's just not going to end well. Right? And we part of being self caring, self responsible is not doing things that we know are going to really reliably lead to outcomes that are going to leave us feeling really shitty. So taking good care of yourself and making good decisions on that front. And maybe if there are certain triggers or things where you would usually take the bait and have a rupture, really consciously orienting to, I'm going to take myself out of this.
[00:17:10]:
So if there's a comment that's made and maybe you don't want to do the emotional labour of having some big explanatory boundary conversation, again depending on the context, if you have family who are likely to be receptive to that, then wonderful. Take someone aside and say, Hey, I know that you don't mean any harm, but can we just not talk about whatever thing this Thanksgiving or this Christmas or whatever? Like, can we just be clear of that topic? I really don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it in front of everyone. I'd really appreciate it if we could just not go there. If you can have that conversation and someone's, you know, likely to understand and be receptive, great. Do that. Advocate for yourself. Take care of yourself.
[00:17:50]:
Be proactive in setting those boundaries. If you know that your family is not gonna be receptive to that of people, maybe you've got parents that are emotionally immature, other people in your family that are just you know that's not gonna fly, then you may need to just get up and leave the room or excuse yourself or whatever if those things do come to fruition in a way that doesn't feel good rather than just sitting there and gritting your teeth and baring it or reacting and experiencing a very predictable kind of rupture. Your job is to take care of yourself. And actually doing that, while you might feel the people pleaser within you might feel like, Oh, I can't do that because it's going to be awkward or uncomfortable, or I don't want to make a scene. Resourcing yourself and doing what you need to, to take good care of yourself so that you can be present and grounded and in connection, that is actually much more loving and compassionate than just suppressing something that feels really intense within you. So knowing that about yourself, knowing that about your family. And I think one other thing that I want to say, and I said this in the training I recorded for my membership yesterday, is there can be a part of us that really wants our family to be different and to change. And families do change and evolve over time, and that can be for better or for worse.
[00:19:10]:
But I think we do have to be realistic in our expectations of how people in our family are. And again, this applies for romantic relationships as well. So you can apply the same what I'm about to say. You can apply it there. If people have shown you again and again and again who they are, how they are, what their capacity is, And you keep pushing against that and trying to get them to be different and maybe trying to earn their approval or trying to persuade them to see things from your perspective, trying to get their validation. And it always falls flat and it always feels very disappointing and exhausting, and you end up feeling, you know, worthless or hopeless or upset or hurt. I think you need to really look at the writing on the wall in those situations and go, okay, knowing what I know to be true, of course there is a part of me that wishes it was different. And having so much compassion and gentleness towards that part While also being mature and self responsible enough to go, things are the way they are and in light of that, how do I want to be? How do I want to go into that environment knowing what I know to be true about how that environment has always been and how it is likely to be this time? So having realistic expectations and going into it with eyes wide open and planning for that rather than almost having an element of denial and maybe almost naivety about what how that's likely to go, and then being disappointed, being frustrated, and being hurt as a result.
[00:20:47]:
So that's just a little word of advice if that applies to you. I'm sure you'll know if it does. Okay. I'm going to leave it there because this is getting long. But I really hope that that's been helpful. As I said, this is broad in its application. It is all of our relationships, particularly if you are of the type of person who is likely to fall into that trap of self abandonment, of making excuses for people's harmful behaviour, of giving people a 1,000,000 and one chances when they keep letting you down or keep crossing a line or keep hurting you, it really is over to you to not only set the boundary, but follow through on the boundary and take protective action for yourself. And we talk about self protection a lot, and I'm not talking about knee jerk self protection here.
[00:21:31]:
I'm talking about mature, embodied, deliberate self protection, and that is really your responsibility to yourself. And it's a huge part of the healing and growth journey is going, okay, what do I need to do to keep myself safe here? And that is what is gonna allow you to be more relaxed in relationships, to be in connection, to be mature and grounded and emotionally level, because you know that you've got that containment and that you have your own back. It's only when we have those patterns of self abandonment that we become really desperate and dependent on others to do the right thing because we don't trust ourselves to do the right thing in response to them. So sending you so much love. If you are going into any sort of challenging family environment in the coming days or weeks, I know how hard that can be. Take really great care of yourself. As I said, make sure that your bucket is full or as full as possible going into those environments that can be draining. And as I said, Black Friday sale this week, so if you want to check any of that stuff out, please do. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:41]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, anxious attachment, romantic relationships, family dynamics, compassion, boundaries, self-abandonment, understanding motives, empathy, holding onto relationships, feeling safe, emotional regulation, holiday season, family tensions, navigating relationships, maintaining relationships, triggers, relationship patterns, self-compassion, navigating family dynamics, emotional labour, setting boundaries, self-advocacy, internal feedback system, communication skills, conflict aversion, emotional maturity, personal growth, maintaining connection, dealing with triggers
#166: Signs an Avoidant Partner is Deactivating & What to Do About It
In today's episode, we’re diving into what avoidant partner deactivation looks like and how you can respond to this experience in a way that protects your emotional wellbeing and prevents further spiraling and disconnection.
In today's episode, we’re diving into what avoidant partner deactivation looks like and how you can respond to this experience in a way that protects your emotional wellbeing and prevents further spiralling and disconnection.
We’ll explore the subtle ways avoidant partners create distance—whether emotionally, physically, or in their communication—and how these behaviours stem from their attachment patterns rather than a lack of care or love. Importantly, we’ll talk about what you can do in these moments to maintain connection without pressuring your partner or compromising your own self-worth.
Join my new membership community, On Attachment Insiders
Recognising Avoidant Partner Deactivation & What To Do About It
In navigating relationships, understanding the dynamics of attachment styles can be incredibly beneficial. One common challenge people face is recognising signs that an avoidant partner is deactivating and knowing how to respond effectively. Avoidant deactivation can be a perplexing pattern, but with awareness, one can approach it with empathy and assertive self-care.
What is Avoidant Deactivation?
Avoidant deactivation refers to behaviours employed by avoidantly attached individuals to create emotional and physical distance. These behaviours are mechanisms used to make themselves feel safe by reducing the perceived threat of intimacy and vulnerability.
Signs of Deactivation
Increased Emotional Distance
When an avoidant partner begins to deactivate, they often become emotionally withdrawn. This can manifest as curt responses, reluctance to share their thoughts and feelings, or a noticeable decrease in the warmth of their communication. Conversations that once flowed naturally may now feel laboured or stilted, making you question the connection between you.
Less Frequent Contact
Alongside emotional withdrawal, there may be a significant reduction in communication frequency. They might take longer to respond to messages or calls and become less proactive in initiating contact. This sudden change can feel startling and induce anxiety in their partner.
Reduced Physical and Verbal Affection
Physical affection may noticeably decrease. Gestures such as holding hands, hugs, or casual touches might be declined or brushed off. Similarly, verbal affirmations of love and care could diminish, making the relational atmosphere feel colder.
Heightened Focus on Independence
Avoidant individuals might start to emphasise their personal space and independence more vigorously. They may engage in more solitary activities or spend more time with friends and hobbies that don't include you, underscoring their need to maintain autonomy.
Reluctance to Discuss the Future
Conversations about future plans might be met with evasion or downplaying. Plans that once seemed exciting and concrete can suddenly be brushed aside, indicating their discomfort with the commitment and expectations.
Increased Criticism and Nitpicking
They might begin to critique small aspects of your behaviour or personality. This nitpicking can serve as a subconscious method to justify their need to withdraw, creating an emotional barrier to protect themselves from vulnerability.
How to Handle Avoidant Deactivation
Dealing with avoidant deactivation strategies varies significantly based on the relationship's stage. If the relationship is newly established, different expectations and boundaries apply compared to a long-term committed relationship.
Don’t Take It Personally: It’s crucial to remember that avoidant deactivation is more about your partner's internal state than about you. Their behaviour stems from their attachment insecurities and is likely to recur in all their relationships. While it’s natural to feel hurt, avoiding the trap of self-blame can be liberating.
Maintain Boundaries and Self-Advocacy: Even as you approach your partner with empathy, it's important to remain assertive about your own needs and boundaries. Clearly communicate what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. Avoid falling into the pattern of excessive accommodation, which can lead to self-abandonment. For instance, you might say, “I respect your need for space, but I also need consistent communication to feel secure. Can we find a middle ground that works for both of us?” This stance acknowledges their needs while also honouring your own.
Stay Active and Balanced: Avoid becoming overly fixated on the relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, such as spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or seeking support from a therapist. This approach not only nurtures your well-being but also prevents the relationship from becoming a singular focus of your life.
Inject Lightness into the Relationship: While it is essential to address serious issues, try to balance heavy conversations with enjoyable activities. Sharing positive, light-hearted experiences can help maintain a sense of connection and demonstrate the fun and rewarding aspects of the relationship. Suggestions might include a shared hobby, a fun outing, or planning a special meal together.
Navigating a relationship with an avoidantly attached partner can be complex and challenging. Understanding their deactivating strategies and responding with a balance of empathy and assertiveness can foster a healthier dynamic. Remember, it’s not about changing them but about ensuring that each of your core needs are met and respecting both parties' boundaries. Maintaining a focus on self-care and open, calm communication can pave the way for a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever noticed your partner, or even yourself, displaying deactivating behaviours in a relationship? What specific actions or patterns did you observe?
How do you typically respond when you sense your partner pulling away or becoming emotionally distant? Do you find yourself trying to control the situation to create a sense of safety?
Reflect on a time when you were able to advocate for your needs in a relationship. How did you communicate your boundaries, and what was the outcome?
Consider the balance between empathy for your partner’s avoidant behaviour and maintaining your own sense of self-worth. How do you navigate this balance in your relationships?
When experiencing anxiety in a relationship, what strategies do you employ to avoid becoming overly fixated? How do you ensure you’re nurturing yourself outside of the relationship?
Have you noticed a tendency to take your partner’s deactivating behaviour personally? In what ways can you reframe these situations to avoid self-blame?
How do you incorporate light-hearted and enjoyable activities into your relationship to balance heavier, emotional conversations? Why do you think this balance is important?
If you’re in the early stages of a relationship and notice avoidant behaviours, how do you decide whether to continue investing in that relationship or to move on? What factors influence your decision?
Reflect on the role of self-trust in navigating relationships with avoidant partners. How does building self-trust affect your interactions and sense of safety within the relationship?
What are your thoughts on the idea that avoidant and anxious attachment styles often activate each other’s insecurities? How have you seen this dynamic play out in your own relationships?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about signs that an avoidant partner is deactivating and what to do about it. So to be honest, I usually steer clear of episodes like this to the extent that they feel alarmist or that they are going to feed the part of anxiously attached people that likes to play detective and that spirals into a bit of an anxious panic when they notice that something's wrong. I try not to do too much content that is directed at that, but avoidant deactivation is a very real thing. There's plenty to support the deactivating strategies of avoidant partners as part of that attachment style. And I can ensure anecdotally that if you are more anxious or you have otherwise been in relationship with an avoidant partner, you probably know that, yes, it is very real, this pattern of deactivation. And, you know, much of the time, I think anxiously attached people respond to that kind of in the way that I was just describing and in a way that can probably exacerbate the deactivation and the disconnection rather than help it.
[00:01:49]:
And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can lay out a few signs that an avoidant partner might be deactivating, give a little context for what that means, and what that might signal in terms of what's going on under the hood for them, and most importantly, what you can do about it and how you can support yourself rather than I think the the maybe more clickbaity version of this would be how to get them back or how to stop them from deactivating. I'm not going to focus as much on that because I don't think that that's helpful. Again, I think that feeds the part of you that believes that controlling their behavior is the only way to create safety for yourself. So instead, I'm going to give you some things that you can and should do, both to advocate for your needs and yourself, but also support your well-being if you notice that your partner is pulling away, is deactivating in a way that is very triggering for you, and it almost always will be triggering to be in relationship with someone who is more avoidant, and who is displaying these signs of deactivation. And I think also it's important to say that the anxiety that you feel when the person you're dating or in a relationship with starts to withdraw and pull away, and that's not because you're just too anxious or too sensitive. I think that's a very understandable trigger for anxiety, and I think we can acknowledge that anxiously attached people tend to experience that to extreme degrees and tend to respond from that place of very high anxiety, and as I said, that can make things worse rather than better for everyone involved. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a final reminder about my Sydney workshop, which is happening next weekend.
[00:03:39]:
So if there are any last minute people who are around in Sydney next weekend and want to come to a 2 day workshop, definitely check it out. Would love to see you there. Also wanted to share that I am going to be running some promotions for Black Friday. I will mostly share that on my email list, but I'll be discounting a bunch of my programs and other things. So jump on my email list if you're not already, as I'll be sharing about those things there, including my Homecoming Mastermind, which if you've been around a while, you might remember me sharing about it last year. This is my most advanced level small group program that I've run twice before. I took a little break to be pregnant and have a baby, and I'm going to be starting it again early next year, and I will be opening applications in time for Black Friday, with a promotion there for anyone who's interested. This is a 5 month small group program.
[00:04:34]:
It's the most intimate way to work with me, and I'm really looking forward to running that very special program again. So if you are someone who has wondered about working directly with me in close quarters, homecoming is a really beautiful opportunity to do that, and I would love for you to check that out and receive your application. And as I said, there'll be a special super early bird Black Friday discount situation. So long story short, jump on my email list to stay in the loop about all of those things and potentially take advantage of those discounts that I'll be running. Okay. Let's talk about avoidant attachment deactivating strategies. So let's just describe what that is for starters. So much like the anxiously attached person has their activating strategies, the things that they do when their attachment system gets fired up and is feeling stress or insecurity, all of the things that anxiously attached people do to try and close the gap, to try and get closer to their partner, to try and re establish a sense of control.
[00:05:36]:
The avoidantly attached person has their deactivating strategies, which are essentially in the other direction. They're things that they do to try and create safety for themselves, but that usually means, you know, switching off their attachment system or deactivating from their attachment system, because that's what safety looks and feels like for them. So when an avoidant person starts to deactivate, it's not a sign that they have lost interest, or that they don't have feelings for you anymore, or that you've done something wrong. It's just a sign that their system is perceiving some sort of threat or danger related to the attachment, related to that intimacy, related to the vulnerability. And depending on the individual, some avoidant attached folks will have some sort of awareness around this, others might be totally oblivious, and they might, as far as their conscious awareness goes, just feel like they've lost interest. They might feel like they are not interested in the relationship. They might really convince themselves that actually it's just not the right relationship, whereas at a more subconscious level, it's because these fears are coming up, and all of the things that are hard for them about relationships have kind of tainted their view of the dynamic of you, if you're on the other side of it, and are prompting them to pull away in these ways to create safety for themselves. So it really depends on the individual whether they are, I suppose, aware of the fact that these are deactivating strategies, whether they're aware of their avoidant patterns.
[00:07:12]:
And as I said, depending on the individual, some will be, some won't be. People with very strong dismissive patterns might be more oblivious to this and are likely not receptive to being told about it. I always get questions from people saying, should you tell an avoidant person that they're avoidant? And I think if you're doing that to try and get them to see the error of their ways, so to speak, that generally won't play very well for you. So all of that to say that if you're on the receiving end of any of these behaviors that I'm about to share, and particularly if you have more anxious attachment, it's really easy to take these very personally, and it probably gets at your worthiness wound in a pretty direct and painful way because, obviously, so much of your sense of safety comes from approval seeking and feeling connected, and this sense of, like, love will conquer all, and you've probably attached very strongly to this person with a lot of hope and optimism, only to have them start to pull away. And most anxious people will then go, What did I do wrong, and how can I fix it? And that can of course trigger a whole cascade of anxious behaviors and so on and so forth. So just at the outset, wanting to emphasize that these patterns will likely follow someone with avoidant attachment through all of their relationships. In other words, it's not just you. These patterns will likely follow them through all of their relationships until they turn towards them and understand what's going on from there, confront their fears around intimacy and engulfment and loss of independence and all of those other things.
[00:08:50]:
So I I just wanted to emphasize that so that you don't, you know, panic and think that you've done something wrong necessarily if you're in a relationship with someone who's displaying these behaviors. Okay. So with all of that being said, let's talk about what some of these avoidant deactivating strategies might look like. So first and foremost, increased emotional distance or generally being a bit emotionally withdrawn, being shorter in their responses to you, not wanting to talk as much, and when you do talk maybe they give, kind of, closed answers and you feel like you're really having to draw blood from a stone to get them to even tell you how their day was, or something really simple and straightforward. This sense of them kind of closing down and being quite cloistered, and you feeling like you can't really reach them even if they're there, that can be coupled with less frequency of contact. So them maybe being less responsive to texts and calls and other things. Maybe you're feeling like the pace of your communication has changed. Maybe they're harder to get a hold of, and maybe they're not initiating any contact with you.
[00:09:58]:
If you are earlier in the relationship and you're dating, maybe they've stopped asking when they get to see you, all of those sorts of things. So there's this overall sense of distance that becomes very apparent, and that's both in terms of, like, physical distance and and emotional distance in terms of how connected you feel to them. Another sign of deactivation might be reduced physical or verbal affection, so they might have been more physically affectionate previously, and now they're not. I remember in a previous relationship with an avoidant partner, something as simple as, like, we'd be in the car, and I'd place my hand on his leg, and he'd lift my hand up and put it back on my lap. Right? And inside, I was like, who would do that, and why would he do that, and what's the problem? And he wasn't angry or anything. It wasn't a conflict. It was just such an instinctive pushing away. So things like that, you might be walking and go to hold their hand and they push your hand away, or things like that, you know, that they're wanting to create distance and they are pushing away any sense of connection, even if it's something that's just a really simple gesture of affection, and similarly verbal affection.
[00:11:10]:
A lot of avoidant people aren't particularly forthcoming with, like, words of affirmation and stuff to begin with, but you might notice that really drop off, and I'll always hear from people, because of course, anxious people tend to be real detectives about, like, differences in texting style, and they might say, you know, he always used to include emojis or like a kiss or an x x at the end of a text, and it's totally stopped doing that, so the tone has become a lot less warm and affectionate in our communication. So that might be another sign of deactivation. Okay. Another sign of deactivation might be that they are increasingly focused on independence, and they might be really emphasizing in the things that they talk about that, oh, they won't be able to do that because they're they've got this thing on that you're not invited to, and they're going away with their friends, or all of a sudden, they're really very clearly communicating to you that they have their own independent life, and they they seem to be very protective about that in quite a direct way, and in a way that doesn't involve you. So it's almost like they're trying to remind you that they are their own person, and that stuff is not yours to be a part of. Now, that might sound really harsh, and it can feel harsh again, I've been on the receiving end of this, but it is just coming from a place of feeling smothered and feeling scared and overwhelmed, and they're almost like staking their claim on their life and their way of doing things and their friends and their work and all of these things that they want to really clearly demarcate so as to avoid those things becoming engulfed or becoming subsumed into the relationship in a way that feels unsafe for them. So you might notice that they are being more direct and overt about trying to protect parts of their independence or parts of their life that are really theirs and not yours jointly. Another sort of related sign of deactivation might be really resisting talking about the future, or suddenly becoming a bit flaky or non committal about future plans, even things that previously you talked about.
[00:13:22]:
So maybe you talked about, oh, next year we could go on a trip to Europe, and they seemed really excited about that. But now when you bring up, like, hey, maybe we should plan that trip, they start coming up with an excuse, or they're very vague, and they are no longer excited about that. They don't want to talk about it. They sort of brush it off or downplay it or dismiss it. So all of a sudden, they've gone from maybe being more open to talking about the future to now not wanting to engage in any sort of future discussion and really shutting that down, or saying things like, oh, I don't know what my plans will be next year, and things that can seem quite hurtful if previously, you know, you've talked about doing something together. Or similarly, this could be things like moving in together, or other things like moving the relationship forward. They might have previously been open to talking about it, and then all of a sudden they are really cagey about it and non committal, and they don't want to engage in any sort of conversation, and obviously that shift can be quite disconcerting if you're on the other side of it. And a final sign of deactivation, and I should have said at the start, this is far from being an exhaustive list, these are just some examples is a partner being very critical and nitpicky of you, almost seeming like they feel disdain towards you or even, like, disgust.
[00:14:39]:
And again, that feels really harsh to say, but I think sometimes avoidant partners can feel almost repulsed by their partner. Like, if you've ever heard the term of getting the ick about someone, I think avoidant partners actually get that a lot more than anxious partners do. They suddenly feel turned off by their partner. They kinda latch onto one insignificant thing or a couple of insignificant things and experience this repulsion or loss of attraction, and they can become very critical and very judgmental of their partner. They might start judging you for things that you do that are different to them, again from this place of protecting their way, protecting their view of things, protecting what is normal for them. And they might be a bit critical of your way of doing things or the ways in which you're different. All of those things, again, are just ways to create distance and maybe ways to either pick a fight or to interrupt the connection or even to convince themselves that the relationship is not right, because doing that would shield them from the vulnerability of moving forward with the relationship. So having that sense that all of a sudden your partner's being kind of unfairly critical of you, judgmental, nitpicking, all of those things can be a sign of their attachment system firing up and and those deactivating strategies in full force.
[00:16:08]:
So that, of course, brings me to how to approach being on the receiving end of all of this. And as always, I think it's important to distinguish between different levels of commitment. So if all of this is happening a month into seeing someone, my advice is not going to be the same as if you've been with someone for 2 years and they're deactivating, because there's simply a different level of commitment, a different level of emotional safety, a different level of expectation, different level of investment. How willing are you to stick around and kind of fight for a relationship? That's going to be a very different inquiry and and reflection if you've gone on 6 dates with someone, versus if you've been, you know, in a relationship and you've lived together, of course. And I should say, these deactivations, these can happen in an established relationship. It's not exclusive to the early stages, although, you'll probably quite reliably encounter it in the early stages of a relationship. So I think if you are in the early stages of a relationship, it's important, and I know this is easier said than done, to try not to panic again. Try not to make it about you and something that you've done. As I said, I can almost assure you that whether it was you or someone else, like, these patterns will follow them. And so it's it's not just you. It's not a problem with you.
[00:17:25]:
You didn't do something wrong in all likelihood, although it's possible that your anxious attachment has triggered their deactivating strategies and vice versa. That's part of the nature of it is that whether you realize it or not, you pick up on each other's attachment styles, and that tends to activate things within each of you that can feel scary, threatening, overwhelming, stressful, and then that if you don't have the awareness, which is why it's so important to have the awareness, that you can then go into all of your default strategies for creating safety for yourself, which for the anxious person is ramping up, and for the avoidant person is ramping down and pulling away. So remind yourself, it's not personal, this is just what they do. And at the same time, so compassion and taking good care of yourself through that is very important. Not taking it personally, as hard as that is to do. But at the same time, we don't want our compassion for them, and again, this is something that I see anxiously attached people do all the time, is having so much compassion for them that you start making excuses for them. Right? And you start tiptoeing around the behavior because you've read 10 books about it, and they're just doing their deactivating thing, and if I can just bend over backwards to cater to their needs in this difficult time, then maybe we'll get through it, and maybe they'll love me again, and they'll see how patient and understanding I am and whatever. That is losing yourself.
[00:18:58]:
Right? Because it's really important to recognize that in all of this, like, you're there too, and you do have needs, and recognizing, yes, don't take it personally, and it is okay to be affected by this, and it's okay to advocate for yourself, and be clear about what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate. And if someone's being rude to you, if they're all of a sudden being very flaky and non committal, you don't have to just stick that out. You don't have to just be fine with that because it's part of their insecurity. If anything, I think being really clear in what your boundaries and your limits and your expectations are and communicating those, not from a place of desperation and, please, you can't do this to me. You can't it's not fair. And last week, you were being this, and now what's wrong? What did I do? If you're coming at it from a panicked place, you will just reinforce to them that all of the things they fear about relationships, woah, this person is too intense, this person is too much, this person is too needy, I knew it, I do need to retreat back to safety. If you can communicate, you know, what you're able to tolerate, what's acceptable to you, what isn't, what you need, what you're looking for, if you can communicate that from a really grounded place that is genuinely self advocating in the sense that, like, I am okay to let this relationship go if we want different things, and that's really the ticket. And I know that's hard because it might not feel true for anxiously attached people.
[00:20:23]:
Oftentimes, you're not willing to let the relationship go, and that's really where you start the self abandonment process, right? You want the relationship itself more than you care about being able to feel safe in it, and so you hold on for dear life, even if and when it's so clearly not going to work for you in that form. So you've really got to get to that place, and it might be a matter of faking it till you make it. Get to that place where you can say, if you are not able to show up in this way, if you're not able to be consistent and reliable, and if you're kind of blocking me out of your life, then that's not going to work for me. And that's okay, but maybe we just want different things. And being able to kind of stand firmly planted in that self advocacy is really important, and I would argue is much more likely to get them to actually engage, and is more likely to shake them out of their funk than if you chase them, or if you cower and turn yourself into a tiny little mouse so as to not trigger them more. Either of those strategies is likely to reinforce all of their stuff in a way that will drive them further away. So get really clear around like where your limits are, what you can tolerate, what the relationship would need to look like in order for it to work for you, and then go forth and confidently advocate. And as I said, that might be a little bit of faking it till you make it, and that's okay.
[00:21:49]:
It's not about being a dictator, it's not about telling them what they can and can't do, and how dare they, and getting really righteous and indignant. It's just about going, what do I need, and can I communicate that from a place of, here's what I'm looking for, and if that's what you're also looking for, then great? Let's continue walking down this path with some clear guidelines and frameworks on how we're going to do things and how we're not going to do things, in order that we can both feel safe and respected. But if that's not what you want, and I'm getting the sense from your behavior that that's maybe not what you're looking for, then that's okay as well, but please just let me know, so that we're not wasting each other's time. You can probably feel even from hearing me say that, that the energy is totally different, and it's an energy that is much more likely to garner engagement and respect from someone than the energy of panic and desperation, which I think is where a lot of anxious people go by default. So in addition to that, a couple of other things that you can do if you're on the receiving end of this and you're having a hard time I think the self advocacy piece is really key. But other things you can do, try not to become so obsessed with the relationship that you're it's all you're thinking about, and you're just obsessing over it and totally fixated. Again, I think that's where we go by default if we have anxious attachment patterns, but it's the last thing you need. So really make sure that you're planning stuff with friends and taking that opportunity to nourish yourself, nurture yourself, do the things that support you to feel well and good.
[00:23:15]:
Go to therapy, do whatever you need to do, so that you're not like 100% all eggs in the basket of this person who is pulling away and leaving you feeling really stressed and strung out. That's not going to help the cause. And another thing that you can do, rather than making the relationship this really serious place of, like, we need to have a talk and it always feeling very heavy, try and intersperse like, again, I do think it's important to have the conversations, but try and intersperse it with connective things that are not serious in nature. That will generally be well received by someone with more avoidant patterns because for them, having to sit down and have, like, serious emotional conversations is going to be a source of dread more than it is something that they'll look forward to and feel relief from. So doing things that are quality time, let's go on a hike together, or do a cooking class, or something that feels like a fun activity that is light hearted, that doesn't have to be bogged down with all of the serious emotional stuff, that might be a nice way to feel connected with them, and for them to feel connected with you and be reminded of all of the great things about being in a relationship without the the baggage, so to speak, of all of the other stuff that can freak them out, for want of a better term. So that is a nice thing to intersperse with the other stuff, which is more directly asking for what you need. Make sure that you're not letting the whole relational field be bogged down with serious heavy stuff because, as I said, that will almost certainly cement their perception that the relationship is asking too much of them, and that will lead to further deactivation. So try and create some balance there and inject some lightness into the relationship rather than having it feel heavy all the time.
[00:24:57]:
I should also say that I did a previous episode a while ago titled, What to do when a partner pulls away or an avoidant partner pulls away. In that episode, I speak more to the dynamics in an established relationship. I realize in this episode, I focus more on kind of early stage relationship, but if you are looking for more on this and you're in an established relationship, a long term relationship, and your partner is going through periods of pulling away, definitely go check out that other episode because that will speak to that experience and give you some tools and tips for that. So I'm gonna stop there because this is getting long, but I hope that's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback and reviews, kind words, YouTube comments, a little reminder that these episodes are all on YouTube for anyone who likes to watch there. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you all next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:51]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, avoidant partner, deactivating strategies, anxiety in relationships, avoidant deactivation, relationship tips, emotional distance, verbal affection, physical affection, relationship patterns, independent life, secure attachment, future planning in relationships, non-committal behaviour, relationship dynamics, avoidant patterns, worthiness wound, critical partner, relationship boundaries, avoidant attachment, emotional withdrawal, deactivating behaviors, early stage relationships, relationship advice, panic in relationships, attachment triggers, relationship communication, intimacy fears, avoidant behavior, relationship self-care