#166: Signs an Avoidant Partner is Deactivating & What to Do About It
In today's episode, we’re diving into what avoidant partner deactivation looks like and how you can respond to this experience in a way that protects your emotional wellbeing and prevents further spiralling and disconnection.
In today's episode, we’re diving into what avoidant partner deactivation looks like and how you can respond to this experience in a way that protects your emotional wellbeing and prevents further spiralling and disconnection.
We’ll explore the subtle ways avoidant partners create distance—whether emotionally, physically, or in their communication—and how these behaviours stem from their attachment patterns rather than a lack of care or love. Importantly, we’ll talk about what you can do in these moments to maintain connection without pressuring your partner or compromising your own self-worth.
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Recognising Avoidant Partner Deactivation & What To Do About It
In navigating relationships, understanding the dynamics of attachment styles can be incredibly beneficial. One common challenge people face is recognising signs that an avoidant partner is deactivating and knowing how to respond effectively. Avoidant deactivation can be a perplexing pattern, but with awareness, one can approach it with empathy and assertive self-care.
What is Avoidant Deactivation?
Avoidant deactivation refers to behaviours employed by avoidantly attached individuals to create emotional and physical distance. These behaviours are mechanisms used to make themselves feel safe by reducing the perceived threat of intimacy and vulnerability.
Signs of Deactivation
Increased Emotional Distance
When an avoidant partner begins to deactivate, they often become emotionally withdrawn. This can manifest as curt responses, reluctance to share their thoughts and feelings, or a noticeable decrease in the warmth of their communication. Conversations that once flowed naturally may now feel laboured or stilted, making you question the connection between you.
Less Frequent Contact
Alongside emotional withdrawal, there may be a significant reduction in communication frequency. They might take longer to respond to messages or calls and become less proactive in initiating contact. This sudden change can feel startling and induce anxiety in their partner.
Reduced Physical and Verbal Affection
Physical affection may noticeably decrease. Gestures such as holding hands, hugs, or casual touches might be declined or brushed off. Similarly, verbal affirmations of love and care could diminish, making the relational atmosphere feel colder.
Heightened Focus on Independence
Avoidant individuals might start to emphasise their personal space and independence more vigorously. They may engage in more solitary activities or spend more time with friends and hobbies that don't include you, underscoring their need to maintain autonomy.
Reluctance to Discuss the Future
Conversations about future plans might be met with evasion or downplaying. Plans that once seemed exciting and concrete can suddenly be brushed aside, indicating their discomfort with the commitment and expectations.
Increased Criticism and Nitpicking
They might begin to critique small aspects of your behaviour or personality. This nitpicking can serve as a subconscious method to justify their need to withdraw, creating an emotional barrier to protect themselves from vulnerability.
How to Handle Avoidant Deactivation
Dealing with avoidant deactivation strategies varies significantly based on the relationship's stage. If the relationship is newly established, different expectations and boundaries apply compared to a long-term committed relationship.
Don’t Take It Personally: It’s crucial to remember that avoidant deactivation is more about your partner's internal state than about you. Their behaviour stems from their attachment insecurities and is likely to recur in all their relationships. While it’s natural to feel hurt, avoiding the trap of self-blame can be liberating.
Maintain Boundaries and Self-Advocacy: Even as you approach your partner with empathy, it's important to remain assertive about your own needs and boundaries. Clearly communicate what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship. Avoid falling into the pattern of excessive accommodation, which can lead to self-abandonment. For instance, you might say, “I respect your need for space, but I also need consistent communication to feel secure. Can we find a middle ground that works for both of us?” This stance acknowledges their needs while also honouring your own.
Stay Active and Balanced: Avoid becoming overly fixated on the relationship. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, such as spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or seeking support from a therapist. This approach not only nurtures your well-being but also prevents the relationship from becoming a singular focus of your life.
Inject Lightness into the Relationship: While it is essential to address serious issues, try to balance heavy conversations with enjoyable activities. Sharing positive, light-hearted experiences can help maintain a sense of connection and demonstrate the fun and rewarding aspects of the relationship. Suggestions might include a shared hobby, a fun outing, or planning a special meal together.
Navigating a relationship with an avoidantly attached partner can be complex and challenging. Understanding their deactivating strategies and responding with a balance of empathy and assertiveness can foster a healthier dynamic. Remember, it’s not about changing them but about ensuring that each of your core needs are met and respecting both parties' boundaries. Maintaining a focus on self-care and open, calm communication can pave the way for a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever noticed your partner, or even yourself, displaying deactivating behaviours in a relationship? What specific actions or patterns did you observe?
How do you typically respond when you sense your partner pulling away or becoming emotionally distant? Do you find yourself trying to control the situation to create a sense of safety?
Reflect on a time when you were able to advocate for your needs in a relationship. How did you communicate your boundaries, and what was the outcome?
Consider the balance between empathy for your partner’s avoidant behaviour and maintaining your own sense of self-worth. How do you navigate this balance in your relationships?
When experiencing anxiety in a relationship, what strategies do you employ to avoid becoming overly fixated? How do you ensure you’re nurturing yourself outside of the relationship?
Have you noticed a tendency to take your partner’s deactivating behaviour personally? In what ways can you reframe these situations to avoid self-blame?
How do you incorporate light-hearted and enjoyable activities into your relationship to balance heavier, emotional conversations? Why do you think this balance is important?
If you’re in the early stages of a relationship and notice avoidant behaviours, how do you decide whether to continue investing in that relationship or to move on? What factors influence your decision?
Reflect on the role of self-trust in navigating relationships with avoidant partners. How does building self-trust affect your interactions and sense of safety within the relationship?
What are your thoughts on the idea that avoidant and anxious attachment styles often activate each other’s insecurities? How have you seen this dynamic play out in your own relationships?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about signs that an avoidant partner is deactivating and what to do about it. So to be honest, I usually steer clear of episodes like this to the extent that they feel alarmist or that they are going to feed the part of anxiously attached people that likes to play detective and that spirals into a bit of an anxious panic when they notice that something's wrong. I try not to do too much content that is directed at that, but avoidant deactivation is a very real thing. There's plenty to support the deactivating strategies of avoidant partners as part of that attachment style. And I can ensure anecdotally that if you are more anxious or you have otherwise been in relationship with an avoidant partner, you probably know that, yes, it is very real, this pattern of deactivation. And, you know, much of the time, I think anxiously attached people respond to that kind of in the way that I was just describing and in a way that can probably exacerbate the deactivation and the disconnection rather than help it.
[00:01:49]:
And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can lay out a few signs that an avoidant partner might be deactivating, give a little context for what that means, and what that might signal in terms of what's going on under the hood for them, and most importantly, what you can do about it and how you can support yourself rather than I think the the maybe more clickbaity version of this would be how to get them back or how to stop them from deactivating. I'm not going to focus as much on that because I don't think that that's helpful. Again, I think that feeds the part of you that believes that controlling their behavior is the only way to create safety for yourself. So instead, I'm going to give you some things that you can and should do, both to advocate for your needs and yourself, but also support your well-being if you notice that your partner is pulling away, is deactivating in a way that is very triggering for you, and it almost always will be triggering to be in relationship with someone who is more avoidant, and who is displaying these signs of deactivation. And I think also it's important to say that the anxiety that you feel when the person you're dating or in a relationship with starts to withdraw and pull away, and that's not because you're just too anxious or too sensitive. I think that's a very understandable trigger for anxiety, and I think we can acknowledge that anxiously attached people tend to experience that to extreme degrees and tend to respond from that place of very high anxiety, and as I said, that can make things worse rather than better for everyone involved. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a final reminder about my Sydney workshop, which is happening next weekend.
[00:03:39]:
So if there are any last minute people who are around in Sydney next weekend and want to come to a 2 day workshop, definitely check it out. Would love to see you there. Also wanted to share that I am going to be running some promotions for Black Friday. I will mostly share that on my email list, but I'll be discounting a bunch of my programs and other things. So jump on my email list if you're not already, as I'll be sharing about those things there, including my Homecoming Mastermind, which if you've been around a while, you might remember me sharing about it last year. This is my most advanced level small group program that I've run twice before. I took a little break to be pregnant and have a baby, and I'm going to be starting it again early next year, and I will be opening applications in time for Black Friday, with a promotion there for anyone who's interested. This is a 5 month small group program.
[00:04:34]:
It's the most intimate way to work with me, and I'm really looking forward to running that very special program again. So if you are someone who has wondered about working directly with me in close quarters, homecoming is a really beautiful opportunity to do that, and I would love for you to check that out and receive your application. And as I said, there'll be a special super early bird Black Friday discount situation. So long story short, jump on my email list to stay in the loop about all of those things and potentially take advantage of those discounts that I'll be running. Okay. Let's talk about avoidant attachment deactivating strategies. So let's just describe what that is for starters. So much like the anxiously attached person has their activating strategies, the things that they do when their attachment system gets fired up and is feeling stress or insecurity, all of the things that anxiously attached people do to try and close the gap, to try and get closer to their partner, to try and re establish a sense of control.
[00:05:36]:
The avoidantly attached person has their deactivating strategies, which are essentially in the other direction. They're things that they do to try and create safety for themselves, but that usually means, you know, switching off their attachment system or deactivating from their attachment system, because that's what safety looks and feels like for them. So when an avoidant person starts to deactivate, it's not a sign that they have lost interest, or that they don't have feelings for you anymore, or that you've done something wrong. It's just a sign that their system is perceiving some sort of threat or danger related to the attachment, related to that intimacy, related to the vulnerability. And depending on the individual, some avoidant attached folks will have some sort of awareness around this, others might be totally oblivious, and they might, as far as their conscious awareness goes, just feel like they've lost interest. They might feel like they are not interested in the relationship. They might really convince themselves that actually it's just not the right relationship, whereas at a more subconscious level, it's because these fears are coming up, and all of the things that are hard for them about relationships have kind of tainted their view of the dynamic of you, if you're on the other side of it, and are prompting them to pull away in these ways to create safety for themselves. So it really depends on the individual whether they are, I suppose, aware of the fact that these are deactivating strategies, whether they're aware of their avoidant patterns.
[00:07:12]:
And as I said, depending on the individual, some will be, some won't be. People with very strong dismissive patterns might be more oblivious to this and are likely not receptive to being told about it. I always get questions from people saying, should you tell an avoidant person that they're avoidant? And I think if you're doing that to try and get them to see the error of their ways, so to speak, that generally won't play very well for you. So all of that to say that if you're on the receiving end of any of these behaviors that I'm about to share, and particularly if you have more anxious attachment, it's really easy to take these very personally, and it probably gets at your worthiness wound in a pretty direct and painful way because, obviously, so much of your sense of safety comes from approval seeking and feeling connected, and this sense of, like, love will conquer all, and you've probably attached very strongly to this person with a lot of hope and optimism, only to have them start to pull away. And most anxious people will then go, What did I do wrong, and how can I fix it? And that can of course trigger a whole cascade of anxious behaviors and so on and so forth. So just at the outset, wanting to emphasize that these patterns will likely follow someone with avoidant attachment through all of their relationships. In other words, it's not just you. These patterns will likely follow them through all of their relationships until they turn towards them and understand what's going on from there, confront their fears around intimacy and engulfment and loss of independence and all of those other things.
[00:08:50]:
So I I just wanted to emphasize that so that you don't, you know, panic and think that you've done something wrong necessarily if you're in a relationship with someone who's displaying these behaviors. Okay. So with all of that being said, let's talk about what some of these avoidant deactivating strategies might look like. So first and foremost, increased emotional distance or generally being a bit emotionally withdrawn, being shorter in their responses to you, not wanting to talk as much, and when you do talk maybe they give, kind of, closed answers and you feel like you're really having to draw blood from a stone to get them to even tell you how their day was, or something really simple and straightforward. This sense of them kind of closing down and being quite cloistered, and you feeling like you can't really reach them even if they're there, that can be coupled with less frequency of contact. So them maybe being less responsive to texts and calls and other things. Maybe you're feeling like the pace of your communication has changed. Maybe they're harder to get a hold of, and maybe they're not initiating any contact with you.
[00:09:58]:
If you are earlier in the relationship and you're dating, maybe they've stopped asking when they get to see you, all of those sorts of things. So there's this overall sense of distance that becomes very apparent, and that's both in terms of, like, physical distance and and emotional distance in terms of how connected you feel to them. Another sign of deactivation might be reduced physical or verbal affection, so they might have been more physically affectionate previously, and now they're not. I remember in a previous relationship with an avoidant partner, something as simple as, like, we'd be in the car, and I'd place my hand on his leg, and he'd lift my hand up and put it back on my lap. Right? And inside, I was like, who would do that, and why would he do that, and what's the problem? And he wasn't angry or anything. It wasn't a conflict. It was just such an instinctive pushing away. So things like that, you might be walking and go to hold their hand and they push your hand away, or things like that, you know, that they're wanting to create distance and they are pushing away any sense of connection, even if it's something that's just a really simple gesture of affection, and similarly verbal affection.
[00:11:10]:
A lot of avoidant people aren't particularly forthcoming with, like, words of affirmation and stuff to begin with, but you might notice that really drop off, and I'll always hear from people, because of course, anxious people tend to be real detectives about, like, differences in texting style, and they might say, you know, he always used to include emojis or like a kiss or an x x at the end of a text, and it's totally stopped doing that, so the tone has become a lot less warm and affectionate in our communication. So that might be another sign of deactivation. Okay. Another sign of deactivation might be that they are increasingly focused on independence, and they might be really emphasizing in the things that they talk about that, oh, they won't be able to do that because they're they've got this thing on that you're not invited to, and they're going away with their friends, or all of a sudden, they're really very clearly communicating to you that they have their own independent life, and they they seem to be very protective about that in quite a direct way, and in a way that doesn't involve you. So it's almost like they're trying to remind you that they are their own person, and that stuff is not yours to be a part of. Now, that might sound really harsh, and it can feel harsh again, I've been on the receiving end of this, but it is just coming from a place of feeling smothered and feeling scared and overwhelmed, and they're almost like staking their claim on their life and their way of doing things and their friends and their work and all of these things that they want to really clearly demarcate so as to avoid those things becoming engulfed or becoming subsumed into the relationship in a way that feels unsafe for them. So you might notice that they are being more direct and overt about trying to protect parts of their independence or parts of their life that are really theirs and not yours jointly. Another sort of related sign of deactivation might be really resisting talking about the future, or suddenly becoming a bit flaky or non committal about future plans, even things that previously you talked about.
[00:13:22]:
So maybe you talked about, oh, next year we could go on a trip to Europe, and they seemed really excited about that. But now when you bring up, like, hey, maybe we should plan that trip, they start coming up with an excuse, or they're very vague, and they are no longer excited about that. They don't want to talk about it. They sort of brush it off or downplay it or dismiss it. So all of a sudden, they've gone from maybe being more open to talking about the future to now not wanting to engage in any sort of future discussion and really shutting that down, or saying things like, oh, I don't know what my plans will be next year, and things that can seem quite hurtful if previously, you know, you've talked about doing something together. Or similarly, this could be things like moving in together, or other things like moving the relationship forward. They might have previously been open to talking about it, and then all of a sudden they are really cagey about it and non committal, and they don't want to engage in any sort of conversation, and obviously that shift can be quite disconcerting if you're on the other side of it. And a final sign of deactivation, and I should have said at the start, this is far from being an exhaustive list, these are just some examples is a partner being very critical and nitpicky of you, almost seeming like they feel disdain towards you or even, like, disgust.
[00:14:39]:
And again, that feels really harsh to say, but I think sometimes avoidant partners can feel almost repulsed by their partner. Like, if you've ever heard the term of getting the ick about someone, I think avoidant partners actually get that a lot more than anxious partners do. They suddenly feel turned off by their partner. They kinda latch onto one insignificant thing or a couple of insignificant things and experience this repulsion or loss of attraction, and they can become very critical and very judgmental of their partner. They might start judging you for things that you do that are different to them, again from this place of protecting their way, protecting their view of things, protecting what is normal for them. And they might be a bit critical of your way of doing things or the ways in which you're different. All of those things, again, are just ways to create distance and maybe ways to either pick a fight or to interrupt the connection or even to convince themselves that the relationship is not right, because doing that would shield them from the vulnerability of moving forward with the relationship. So having that sense that all of a sudden your partner's being kind of unfairly critical of you, judgmental, nitpicking, all of those things can be a sign of their attachment system firing up and and those deactivating strategies in full force.
[00:16:08]:
So that, of course, brings me to how to approach being on the receiving end of all of this. And as always, I think it's important to distinguish between different levels of commitment. So if all of this is happening a month into seeing someone, my advice is not going to be the same as if you've been with someone for 2 years and they're deactivating, because there's simply a different level of commitment, a different level of emotional safety, a different level of expectation, different level of investment. How willing are you to stick around and kind of fight for a relationship? That's going to be a very different inquiry and and reflection if you've gone on 6 dates with someone, versus if you've been, you know, in a relationship and you've lived together, of course. And I should say, these deactivations, these can happen in an established relationship. It's not exclusive to the early stages, although, you'll probably quite reliably encounter it in the early stages of a relationship. So I think if you are in the early stages of a relationship, it's important, and I know this is easier said than done, to try not to panic again. Try not to make it about you and something that you've done. As I said, I can almost assure you that whether it was you or someone else, like, these patterns will follow them. And so it's it's not just you. It's not a problem with you.
[00:17:25]:
You didn't do something wrong in all likelihood, although it's possible that your anxious attachment has triggered their deactivating strategies and vice versa. That's part of the nature of it is that whether you realize it or not, you pick up on each other's attachment styles, and that tends to activate things within each of you that can feel scary, threatening, overwhelming, stressful, and then that if you don't have the awareness, which is why it's so important to have the awareness, that you can then go into all of your default strategies for creating safety for yourself, which for the anxious person is ramping up, and for the avoidant person is ramping down and pulling away. So remind yourself, it's not personal, this is just what they do. And at the same time, so compassion and taking good care of yourself through that is very important. Not taking it personally, as hard as that is to do. But at the same time, we don't want our compassion for them, and again, this is something that I see anxiously attached people do all the time, is having so much compassion for them that you start making excuses for them. Right? And you start tiptoeing around the behavior because you've read 10 books about it, and they're just doing their deactivating thing, and if I can just bend over backwards to cater to their needs in this difficult time, then maybe we'll get through it, and maybe they'll love me again, and they'll see how patient and understanding I am and whatever. That is losing yourself.
[00:18:58]:
Right? Because it's really important to recognize that in all of this, like, you're there too, and you do have needs, and recognizing, yes, don't take it personally, and it is okay to be affected by this, and it's okay to advocate for yourself, and be clear about what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate. And if someone's being rude to you, if they're all of a sudden being very flaky and non committal, you don't have to just stick that out. You don't have to just be fine with that because it's part of their insecurity. If anything, I think being really clear in what your boundaries and your limits and your expectations are and communicating those, not from a place of desperation and, please, you can't do this to me. You can't it's not fair. And last week, you were being this, and now what's wrong? What did I do? If you're coming at it from a panicked place, you will just reinforce to them that all of the things they fear about relationships, woah, this person is too intense, this person is too much, this person is too needy, I knew it, I do need to retreat back to safety. If you can communicate, you know, what you're able to tolerate, what's acceptable to you, what isn't, what you need, what you're looking for, if you can communicate that from a really grounded place that is genuinely self advocating in the sense that, like, I am okay to let this relationship go if we want different things, and that's really the ticket. And I know that's hard because it might not feel true for anxiously attached people.
[00:20:23]:
Oftentimes, you're not willing to let the relationship go, and that's really where you start the self abandonment process, right? You want the relationship itself more than you care about being able to feel safe in it, and so you hold on for dear life, even if and when it's so clearly not going to work for you in that form. So you've really got to get to that place, and it might be a matter of faking it till you make it. Get to that place where you can say, if you are not able to show up in this way, if you're not able to be consistent and reliable, and if you're kind of blocking me out of your life, then that's not going to work for me. And that's okay, but maybe we just want different things. And being able to kind of stand firmly planted in that self advocacy is really important, and I would argue is much more likely to get them to actually engage, and is more likely to shake them out of their funk than if you chase them, or if you cower and turn yourself into a tiny little mouse so as to not trigger them more. Either of those strategies is likely to reinforce all of their stuff in a way that will drive them further away. So get really clear around like where your limits are, what you can tolerate, what the relationship would need to look like in order for it to work for you, and then go forth and confidently advocate. And as I said, that might be a little bit of faking it till you make it, and that's okay.
[00:21:49]:
It's not about being a dictator, it's not about telling them what they can and can't do, and how dare they, and getting really righteous and indignant. It's just about going, what do I need, and can I communicate that from a place of, here's what I'm looking for, and if that's what you're also looking for, then great? Let's continue walking down this path with some clear guidelines and frameworks on how we're going to do things and how we're not going to do things, in order that we can both feel safe and respected. But if that's not what you want, and I'm getting the sense from your behavior that that's maybe not what you're looking for, then that's okay as well, but please just let me know, so that we're not wasting each other's time. You can probably feel even from hearing me say that, that the energy is totally different, and it's an energy that is much more likely to garner engagement and respect from someone than the energy of panic and desperation, which I think is where a lot of anxious people go by default. So in addition to that, a couple of other things that you can do if you're on the receiving end of this and you're having a hard time I think the self advocacy piece is really key. But other things you can do, try not to become so obsessed with the relationship that you're it's all you're thinking about, and you're just obsessing over it and totally fixated. Again, I think that's where we go by default if we have anxious attachment patterns, but it's the last thing you need. So really make sure that you're planning stuff with friends and taking that opportunity to nourish yourself, nurture yourself, do the things that support you to feel well and good.
[00:23:15]:
Go to therapy, do whatever you need to do, so that you're not like 100% all eggs in the basket of this person who is pulling away and leaving you feeling really stressed and strung out. That's not going to help the cause. And another thing that you can do, rather than making the relationship this really serious place of, like, we need to have a talk and it always feeling very heavy, try and intersperse like, again, I do think it's important to have the conversations, but try and intersperse it with connective things that are not serious in nature. That will generally be well received by someone with more avoidant patterns because for them, having to sit down and have, like, serious emotional conversations is going to be a source of dread more than it is something that they'll look forward to and feel relief from. So doing things that are quality time, let's go on a hike together, or do a cooking class, or something that feels like a fun activity that is light hearted, that doesn't have to be bogged down with all of the serious emotional stuff, that might be a nice way to feel connected with them, and for them to feel connected with you and be reminded of all of the great things about being in a relationship without the the baggage, so to speak, of all of the other stuff that can freak them out, for want of a better term. So that is a nice thing to intersperse with the other stuff, which is more directly asking for what you need. Make sure that you're not letting the whole relational field be bogged down with serious heavy stuff because, as I said, that will almost certainly cement their perception that the relationship is asking too much of them, and that will lead to further deactivation. So try and create some balance there and inject some lightness into the relationship rather than having it feel heavy all the time.
[00:24:57]:
I should also say that I did a previous episode a while ago titled, What to do when a partner pulls away or an avoidant partner pulls away. In that episode, I speak more to the dynamics in an established relationship. I realize in this episode, I focus more on kind of early stage relationship, but if you are looking for more on this and you're in an established relationship, a long term relationship, and your partner is going through periods of pulling away, definitely go check out that other episode because that will speak to that experience and give you some tools and tips for that. So I'm gonna stop there because this is getting long, but I hope that's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback and reviews, kind words, YouTube comments, a little reminder that these episodes are all on YouTube for anyone who likes to watch there. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you all next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:51]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, avoidant partner, deactivating strategies, anxiety in relationships, avoidant deactivation, relationship tips, emotional distance, verbal affection, physical affection, relationship patterns, independent life, secure attachment, future planning in relationships, non-committal behaviour, relationship dynamics, avoidant patterns, worthiness wound, critical partner, relationship boundaries, avoidant attachment, emotional withdrawal, deactivating behaviors, early stage relationships, relationship advice, panic in relationships, attachment triggers, relationship communication, intimacy fears, avoidant behavior, relationship self-care
#165: Why Validation is so Important for Anxiously Attached People
In today's episode, we're talking all about validation — and specifically, why it is so essential for anxiously attached people in building more security within themselves and in their relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about validation — and specifically, why it is so essential for anxiously attached people in building more security within themselves and in their relationships.
Most anxiously attached people are accustomed to feeling chronically invalidated (in part because they tend to do this to themselves), always wondering if they are too much, too needy, too sensitive, too paranoid, and so on. This can lead to over-reliance on a partner or others external to us to determine whether our experience is real and valid.
Tune in for a discussion on why validation is so important for anxious attachers, and how we can give ourselves this gift to build more security and self-assuredness.
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Why Validation is Crucial for Anxiously Attached Individuals
Validation is often a buzzword in therapy and self-help circles, but for those with anxious attachment, its significance runs deep. Validation isn't just about agreement; it's about recognising and affirming someone’s experiences and emotions. For anxiously attached individuals, who frequently grapple with feelings of invalidation, understanding and practising validation can foster self-assurance and healthier relationships.
Understanding Validation
Validation involves acknowledging that someone’s feelings and perceptions are legitimate and make sense given their context. It’s about understanding and accepting their experience as real, even if you don't completely agree with it. For those with anxious attachment, learning to validate themselves and nurturing a validating environment in their relationships can be life-changing.
Anxious Attachment and Invalidation
Anxiously attached people often have backgrounds of emotional invalidation, where their feelings were dismissed or minimised. This history leads to patterns of self-doubt and heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism. They might frequently question if they are too needy, sensitive, or unreasonable. This self-doubt creates a cycle of seeking external validation, often resulting in feeling even more invalidated by their partners or others.
The Role of Validation in Healing
Breaking this cycle starts with self-validation. Recognising and accepting one’s feelings and needs without judgement is pivotal. For anxiously attached individuals, self-validation builds a foundation of self-trust and self-worth that doesn't wholly depend on external sources.
Cultivating Self-Validation
Here are some steps to help anxiously attached individuals begin practising self-validation:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Accept your emotions as they are, without questioning their validity.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself kindly and understand that your feelings are valid.
Affirm Your Needs: Recognise and respect your needs as important and legitimate.
Journal Your Thoughts: Writing can help process and validate your feelings.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore and validate your emotions.
Encouraging Validation in Relationships
Equally important is fostering mutual validation in relationships:
Communicate Openly: Use “I” statements to express your feelings honestly and respectfully.
Set Mutual Standards: Agree with your partner on the importance of mutual care and understanding.
Step into Their Shoes: Try to see situations from your partner’s perspective.
Practice Active Listening: Reflect and validate your partner’s feelings to show genuine understanding.
Conclusion
Validation is a cornerstone of self-confidence and secure relationships for anxiously attached individuals. By learning to validate themselves, they can approach relationships from a place of assurance instead of fear. Moreover, encouraging a validating environment with partners leads to healthier, more balanced, and fulfilling interactions.
In essence, validation is about recognising the inherent worth of everyone’s experience. For those with anxious attachment, practising self-validation and fostering a mutually validating relationship dynamic can fundamentally transform their relational patterns and enhance their sense of self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences within relationships: do you often feel validated or invalidated by your partner or others? How does this impact your sense of security and self-worth?
Can you identify any moments in your past where you were told that you were "too sensitive" or "too needy"? How have those experiences shaped your current behaviours and perceptions in relationships?
When faced with conflict or the need to express your feelings, do you find yourself bracing for invalidation? How might this anticipation influence your communication style and the dynamics within your relationships?
How do you currently seek validation? Do you rely heavily on external sources such as friends, family, or even social media? Reflect on how this might be affecting your self-trust and perception of your needs.
What steps can you take to start validating your own experiences and emotions more effectively? List some practical ways in which you can practice self-validation in your daily life.
Have you noticed a pattern of defensiveness in your current or past relationships, either from yourself or your partner? How do you think this defensiveness impacts the overall health and communication in your relationship?
Consider a recent time when you felt the need to have your feelings validated by your partner. How did you approach this situation, and what was the outcome? Reflect on whether self-validation might have changed your approach or experience.
What are some fears or insecurities that arise for you when you think about expressing your needs in a relationship? How might these fears be connected to a history of invalidation?
Do you ever question the validity of your discomfort, boundaries, or reactions in your interactions with others? How can you begin to trust your own perceptions and emotions more?
Imagine a relationship where both partners actively practice validation for each other. How do you think this approach might change the quality of your interactions and overall relationship satisfaction? Reflect on any steps you can take toward fostering this environment.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about the number one thing that anxiously attached people need in order to feel secure, and that is both secure in their relationships and secure in themselves, and that thing is validation. K? Now validation's one of those things that I think a lot of people are broadly familiar with because it's one of those kind of therapy terms that bounces around a lot. But maybe it's not something that you appreciate the impact of and just how important it is, again, not only to your sense of security in a relationship, but within yourself.
[00:01:06]:
And I think it's maybe talked about in the context of couples therapy and conflict and repair, and it's really important in all of those contexts, but it's something that I've been reflecting on recently as being so essential to the anxiously attached person's journey, because for the anxiously attached person, and again, you might not realize this as a front of mind thing, but I suspect if you are someone with anxious attachment, that you might become very aware of it after listening to this episode, that you're probably accustomed to feeling chronically invalidated. And I think that feeling of being invalidated and the anticipation of being invalidated drives a lot of your so called problem behaviors in relationship. It drives a lot of the protest behaviors, the way you approach conflict, the way you ask for needs, all of those things are kind of infused with this energy of bracing for invalidation. Bracing for being told that you are too much and too sensitive and too needy, and that your perception of things is incorrect, or you've misunderstood, or otherwise receiving someone's defensiveness. Because of all of those things, because you probably have a long history of being invalidated, it probably really heavily influences, you know, the way you go about things and what you come to expect in your relationships. And it's a funny thing where the more we expect something, the more our behavior kind of preemptively responds to that, and oftentimes it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. We actually create the situation that we were expecting because our behavior has led to that as much as the other person's. It becomes a bit of a co created dynamic, as is true for so many things in our relationships, of course.
[00:02:54]:
Anyway, so in today's episode, we're gonna be talking a bit about validation and invalidation, and some shifts that you can start to make to really focus on this as a growth area for you. I think it's a growth area that 99% of people who I work with can really use some support here because it's, as I said, not something that we tend to focus on very directly, but I think it's something we should be focusing more attention on because the dividends of learning to validate yourself and also really cultivating an environment of validation in our relationships, It's really, really profound in terms of the shifts that can happen there. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, couple of quick announcements. As at the time of recording, we are almost at 70 members in my new on Attachment Insiders community. If you missed the past couple of weeks' episode, you may not have heard me speak about it. It's a community space. It's a low cost cancel anytime membership where you can come connect with others, seek support from me, and access a wide range of resources, including events and other things.
[00:04:00]:
So if you are interested in going deeper into the things that we talk about here on the podcast, seeking advice from me, connecting with like minded people around the world, on Attachment Insiders is a really wonderful space for you to do that. And although it's only in its nascent stages so far, it's already shaping up to be a really, really beautiful collection of people, and the resources there will only grow. So definitely worth checking out if you're interested. Other quick announcements, if you are in or near Sydney, I am holding a workshop in a couple of weeks' time. It's a 2 day weekend workshop at the end of the month, and will be all about building self worth. Sort of a condensed version of my secure self challenge. So if you are free on the 30th November and the 1st December, come along to my workshop. It's in Surrey Hills in the middle of Sydney.
[00:04:49]:
We've already got a decent number of people coming, but there are a few spots remaining. If you're at all interested, grab a friend, come along for a relaxed supportive weekend of diving deep, learning about yourself, and getting some clarity on where you might be stuck. So we'd love to see you there. My in person work is so special, and it's something that I'm very much looking forward to. So, definitely check out my Sydney intensive if you are in Sydney and free. Last but not least, my Byron Bay retreat, which is in May next year. We still have a couple of early bird spots available for that, so if you are interested in a 4 day, 3 night retreat in the most luxurious setting, definitely check out my retreat as well. Okay.
[00:05:33]:
So let's talk about validation. Now as I alluded to in the introduction, I don't want to suggest that validation is something that only anxiously attached people need. And to the contrary, we all really benefit from validation. So irrespective of your attachment patterns or your partner's attachment patterns, being more actively validating of other people's experience is a very good idea. And essentially at its core, validation to me is recognizing that your and everyone else's experience makes sense in the context of them, and that everything that you feel and that they feel and perceive arises from a very real experience. These things don't come from nowhere. Our protective patterns are grounded in a very real experience that we're having, in a very real perception of threat or fear or danger or risk. And against that backdrop, we can start to see that we make sense.
[00:06:29]:
And so when we're in relationship, being more validating of someone else is stepping into their shoes and seeking to really see a situation from their point of view rather than being so firmly grounded in ours that we are spending all of our time and energy trying to convince them of our way of seeing things because we're locked in this world view where only one of us can be right. And this is something that I see in pretty much everyone that I work with, as I said in the introduction, is this mindset of which one of us is right? Am I being unreasonable or are they being unreasonable? Am I being unfair? Am I being too needy or too sensitive? Or are they being too defensive? Are they not meeting my needs? Which one is it? And that mindset is kind of the antithesis of validation, because it's just trying to figure out the objective right answer, a singular truth about a situation that is so inherently subjective. And so something that I'm always encouraging people to do is step outside of this framework of good and bad, and right and wrong, and blame, and villain and victim, and actually just step a layer beneath all of that and go, what am I feeling? What am I experiencing? And how does that make sense? And then can I do the same thing for them? As soon as we do that, we're sort of laying down our weapons, and we're laying down our shield and our self protection, and instead just looking at what is really true, which is that we are all having a very real experience, and that there's actually no right or wrong there. So how does all of this interface with attachment dynamics? As I said in the introduction, it is common that anxiously attached people have grown up in emotionally invalidating environments. So that might be various experiences along the way that have essentially given you the message that your perception is misplaced, or your emotions are too much, or you're too sensitive, you're too needy, all of those things that have you second guessing your experience and the rightness and truth of your experience. And I think because of that, we develop around that insecurity and that sense of invalidation, and a few things happen. I think one of them is that we tend to really chronically invalidate ourselves in the sense of doubting our own experience, doubting our own perception, seeking a lot of outside counsel for things, not really trusting that we are allowed to feel the way we feel, or asking if we are wrong to feel a certain way. Questioning whether we're allowed to be uncomfortable with something is another big one, so this comes into play around boundaries and limits.
[00:09:16]:
So often people will say things to me like, my partner is doing x, y, z thing. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this? And my partner's messaging other people in a way that feels inappropriate to me, but I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive, or my partner always pulls away and needs space, but then I don't hear from them for 2 weeks. Am I being unreasonable to want to hear from them more often than that or to know what's going on? I don't want to be too needy or smothering. And while those might sound like extreme examples, I can tell you that these are examples that I hear all the time from people. And to me, all of that is evidence of an internal and relational environment of invalidation, because that seems to be the first stumbling block that then prevents people from really tuning into how they feel, what they need, what their limits are, what their boundaries are, and confidently advocating for those things from a really firm and grounded place, not from a place of trying to convince the other person of the validity of their needs. I think this is where a lot of people fall down and get really stuck, because you might do all of this internal work on trying to figure out what your needs are or trying to express a concern or make a request of your partner, But oftentimes because you have that pattern of bracing for invalidation, maybe your partner tends to be defensive, and that will often be the case if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic. We know that avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness, and particularly around being given feedback, or being asked to change, or anything that feels like an attempt to control them. You might have a pattern in your relationship where when you do speak up, your partner shuts down and becomes defensive, or dismisses your concern, or says that it's too much, or any of those things.
[00:11:07]:
And maybe you believe them, and maybe you then sort of cower in the face of that and internalise whatever it was that you were worried about, and then the cycle sort of goes on and on, and you've got all of these insecurities bubbling away that you're increasingly the context of your relationship in a way that feels empowered, that doesn't feel attacking, but that also doesn't feel kind of pleading and desperate. And all of these things come back to this internal and relational environment of invalidation. So, as is so often the case, I mean, I think, of course, we can talk to our partners about this, and we can hope that our partner would be receptive to understanding our concern insofar as wanting to feel like our experience is valid, not wanting to have a culture in our relationship where our concerns are routinely being dismissed. And I think some of those conversations can look like saying things like, I want for us to both be able to bring things to each other. And even if we don't agree with the other person's perception or analysis, we we can't relate to how they're feeling, can we agree that if one of us is bothered by something, then that is something that deserves our attention? And, you know, that we're going to approach that with care and handle that with care because it is in the interest of our relationship as a whole for us to be, you know, tending to the things that might be coming up for either of us. That's a really validating approach to conflict and rupture and repair in a relationship. It's sort of setting the standard of how you're going to approach things, and to go back to what I was saying before around stepping outside of a framework of right and wrong, agreeing that with your partner that we're going to have these standards that are not about making you the villain or whatever. It's not about every time I bring up a concern, it's something that you have done wrong or something that you're failing at.
[00:13:12]:
It's just something that needs to be shared or whatever it might be. Having that as a kind of framework that you can fall back on is a really good idea because that creates the safety for you to be able to to share things safely and to not have all of those anxieties and insecurities that come from the anticipation of being invalidated. And as I said, I think that anticipation drives so much of our, you know, own maybe unhealthy or dysfunctional or ineffective communication styles because we bring so much, you know, stress and anxiety to those conversations, and we end up persuading and pleading and all of those things. The other key piece, and I would arguably say this is the more important piece, as is so often the case, you know, with anxious attachment. The relational stuff is important, but I always emphasize the self piece because that tends to be the part that is underdeveloped. And frankly, I think it's the part that we have far more control over, and I think we get, you know, a positive ripple effect in our relationships when we're able to first work on whatever the deficit is within ourselves in terms of the wounded parts or the skills that we may be lacking. When we can build that up, then we're much more likely to be able to engage in effective relational repair and healing work, because we're doing it from a place of self worth and self esteem, rather than a place of desperation and fear and lack and all of those other things that can be present when we don't have a solid relationship with ourselves. So the key piece, really, to focus on in terms of validation for yourself is practicing validating your own experiences, fears, concerns, worries, desires, needs, preferences, requests, all of those things.
[00:14:59]:
I really want you to catch yourself every time you doubt. Am I being too much? Am I being too needy? Am I being too sensitive? Am I asking for too much? Am I right to feel this way? I want you to notice when ever you feel those things, whenever you ask yourself those questions, whenever you go to outsource and sense check everything against a friend or a therapist or someone on Instagram, my DMs are absolutely full of people sending me messages that are essentially wanting me to validate them in lieu of them being able to do that themselves or being able to get that from their partner. And it really does start with you. Your job is to validate your own experience so that you can go to your partner and share from a really firm and grounded place. You're not trying to convince them of the rightness of your experience. You're not trying to convince them that you're not crazy. And I think when you're trying to do that, when you're trying to convince them, you start appealing to all of these other things and saying, anyone would feel this way in my position, or look at this thing that I read in this book or saw here. But they said the same thing as well, so like, I'm not crazy.
[00:16:04]:
I'm not crazy. And I think that's really a sign that you need to work on validating yourself because when I hear that, it sounds like you're wanting them to validate you so that you can feel that your experience is valid. Whereas we wanna flip that around. Right? You need to decide that your experience is valid, and then you can go to a relationship and hopefully have more of a balanced dynamic there, more of an authentic self confidence and self esteem that allows you to create a relational environment that is healthy and secure and balanced and validating. And I will say, because there's always a possibility that you might decide that a relationship is not a good fit on the basis that your partner is routinely dismissive or invalidating, or simply is unwilling or incapable of being the partner that you want and need. Maybe your needs and their capacity are not a good fit, but it's really only in fiercely and fully validating yourself that you are going to have the clarity and the self trust to make that kind of call. Because for as long as you are invalidating yourself, you're always going to doubt whether you're asking too much, and you're always going to wonder, and it's going to be very hard for you to make that kind of confident decision and knowing what you deserve and what you are worthy of. It's going to be very hard to do that if you are routinely and chronically invalidating yourself.
[00:17:34]:
So all of that to say, validation is an absolutely essential building block of a healthy relationship with yourself, and in turn, healthy balanced relationships with others. And I really do believe that for anxiously attached people, it's a very core part of your healing process, because it is likely to be something that you absolutely lack as a starting point for an array of reasons that we've covered. You've likely grown up in an environment where that was absent, and you've developed all sorts of habits around that that take you further and further away from yourself, and knowing and feeling anchored in your experience as something that you know to be true, and you don't need to have other people confirm that for you. So I hope that this has been helpful. I hope it's given you something to reflect on, and maybe it wasn't something that you were really aware of in these terms or in such a direct way, but I hope that now it is something that you can turn your mind to and really consciously practice because as with all things, it will be a practice. But really noticing what patterns you might have around invalidating yourself and consciously redirecting to, you know, how does my experience make sense? How can I really stay grounded in what I know to be true, which is that a certain feeling is here for me or that I'm not comfortable with something, that something doesn't feel right to me, and just acknowledging that truth rather than seeking to have someone else, particularly the person who's leaving you feeling uncomfortable, having them be the one who gets to decide whether or not that experience is valid? So hope that's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. I always love to hear from you and it's a beautiful way for you to support the show.
[00:19:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, validation, insecurity, anxiously attached, couples therapy, conflict, emotional invalidation, protest behaviours, relationship dynamics, repair in relationships, self-worth, boundaries, limits, anxious-avoidant dynamic, defensiveness, relational environment, secure relationships, self-esteem, internal validation, relational repair, fear and insecurity, growth area, healthy attachment patterns, partner's needs, Sydney workshop, Byron Bay retreat, self-confidence, self-destructive behaviour, emotional support, defensive partners