#148 How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
We cover:
What resentment signals to us about ourselves
Why certain people are more prone to resentment
The link between resentment and poor boundaries, suppression of needs and avoiding conflict
How we can shift out of victimhood and take responsibility for our part in a dynamic
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
Resentment is a common yet often misunderstood emotion that can significantly impact our relationships. While fleeting moments of resentment can be part of any relationship dynamic, chronic resentment can signal deeper issues that need addressing. Understanding the roots and implications of resentment can be a crucial step toward fostering healthier connections and personal well-being.
The Nature of Resentment
Resentment is characterised by a sense of internal frustration, victimhood, and powerlessness. It often arises when we perceive that someone is doing something to us, or failing to do something, that leads to a buildup of anger and bitterness. Unlike anger, which is usually expressed outwardly, resentment tends to fester internally, creating a toxic undercurrent in relationships.
People who struggle with articulating their needs, setting boundaries, or are conflict-averse are often more susceptible to resentment. Rather than openly addressing issues, they might keep their grievances to themselves, leading to an internalised sense of injustice and powerlessness. This internal harbouring of resentment can make it challenging to move forward and resolve conflicts constructively.
Resentment Beyond Romantic Relationships
It's important to note that resentment isn't confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in various relational contexts — be it with a coworker, a boss, or even within family dynamics. Regardless of the context, the underlying feelings and their ramifications can be quite similar.
When resentment becomes a recurring theme, it demands introspection and a willingness to dissect what is truly happening beneath the surface. This involves examining not only the immediate triggers but also our habitual responses to those triggers.
The Impact on Relationships
Resentment acts like a dirty pane of glass between partners, obscuring clear communication and connection. When resentment is left unchecked, it can create a murky atmosphere where misunderstandings and emotional distance become the norm. This metaphor highlights the importance of keeping our relational "glass" as clean as possible to maintain healthy and open lines of communication.
One of the most insidious aspects of resentment is the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies it. This feeling can reinforce a victim mindset, making it difficult to see the situation from a more empowered perspective. It's easy to focus on what others are doing wrong or failing to do, which places our happiness and well-being outside of our control. This externalisation can lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction.
Taking Ownership
A critical step in addressing resentment is shifting from a victim mindset to one of personal responsibility and empowerment. This doesn't mean excusing someone else's poor behaviour but rather examining our own role in the dynamic. Reflecting on questions like, "Where have I not respected myself?" or "What have I not communicated?" can provide insight into how we've contributed to the situation.
Often, resentment is a signal that something important has been left unsaid or unaddressed. This might be a difficult conversation, an unexpressed need, or a boundary that hasn't been enforced. Acknowledging and confronting these areas can often be the first step toward resolving underlying tensions.
Moreover, it's essential to explore whether our expectations of others are realistic and communicated effectively. Sometimes, we may harbour unspoken rules or expectations that, when unmet, lead to feelings of resentment. By clearly expressing our needs and setting realistic expectations, we can mitigate the buildup of these negative feelings.
Practical Steps to Combat Resentment
Overcoming resentment involves both internal and external work. Internally, it's about shifting our mindset from one of disempowerment to taking active steps toward our own well-being. This might include:
Self-Reflection: Regularly checking in with ourselves to understand what we're truly feeling and why.
Boundary Setting: Clearly defining and communicating our boundaries to others.
Self-Care: Prioritising our well-being and not relying solely on others for our happiness.
Externally, it involves open communication and assertiveness:
Honest Conversations: Addressing issues directly with the people involved, rather than letting them fester.
Feedback and Requests: Clearly articulating what we need from others, rather than assuming they should know.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Developing the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.
Embracing Empowerment
Shifting from resentment to empowerment is a journey that requires patience and practice. It's about reclaiming our agency and recognising that we have more control over our situations than we might initially believe. By prioritising our own well-being and taking active steps to address underlying issues, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Resentment need not be a permanent fixture in our relational landscape. By engaging in intentional self-reflection, open communication, and proactive boundary setting, we can clear the emotional debris that clouds our connections and move towards a more empowered and fulfilling way of relating to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you frequently find yourself feeling resentful in your relationships? Where do you think this feeling stems from, and how does it affect your interactions with others?
Can you recall a situation where you felt particularly resentful towards someone? Reflect on how you managed that feeling and what, if anything, you did to address it.
In what ways do you struggle with articulating your needs or boundaries in your relationships? How might this contribute to feelings of resentment?
Do you recognise any patterns of conflict avoidance or peacekeeping in your behaviour? How does this impact your sense of empowerment and communication in relationships?
Think of a time when unspoken expectations led to feelings of resentment. How could clearer communication have altered the outcome of that situation?
Reflect on the concept of "internal empowerment" discussed in the episode. How do you currently take ownership of your well-being, and where could you improve?
When faced with a problematic behaviour in others, do you find yourself falling into a victim mindset? How can you shift towards taking constructive action for your own peace?
Consider a scenario where you successfully set a boundary or had a difficult conversation. What did you learn from this experience, and how can it be applied to other areas of your life?
How do you perceive the balance between setting realistic expectations of others and advocating for your needs? What strategies can help you maintain this balance?
Imagine letting go of a "cloak of resentment" as described in the episode. What actions or mindset shifts are necessary for you to feel more empowered and less resentful in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about resentment and what to do if you're feeling resentful in your relationship. So I think that resentment is unfortunately extremely common in relationships. And while it doesn't always, you know, mean that there's something wrong, like, we might experience moments of resentment in an otherwise healthy and secure relationship. If resentment is a really common occurrence for you, it's something that you feel a lot of the time and maybe you felt it in every relationship you've ever had or it's a big part of your life to feel resentful, then it is definitely something that we wanna get a bit curious about and understand a little more because as we'll talk about today, there's a lot to be learned about the situation and about your response to a situation by interrogating, in a gentle way, what's going on for us when we're harboring a lot of resentment towards a partner. And, you know, I should say, even as I'm saying this, it's not only something that we can experience in a romantic relationship. So, if you're feeling resentful in a coworker, a boss, there is much to be gained from understanding what is really going on for you there and what you might be able to do about it.
[00:01:46]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder that my Secure Self Challenge is kicking off in less than 2 weeks. We've already got over 50 people signed up and would absolutely love for you to join us if you are someone who's interested in learning more about building the pillars of security within yourself, self worth. It's a 28 day challenge, and each week is themed around one of those pillars. So we go self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's very much a welcoming space for all, and there's a strong community focus. So last time, there was a very vibrant, online community, and, you know, people really connected with one another and were hugely supportive of each other's shares and insights.
[00:02:35]:
And it was really such a beautiful thing for me to witness everyone really thriving and and growing in community together. And so if you're interested in joining, early bird pricing is available for the next 48 hours. Definitely encourage you to check it out. Would love to see you there. It's one of my most affordable offers, and, yeah, I would love to see you there. So definitely go check it out if you're interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around resentment.
[00:02:57]:
As I said in the introduction, I think that there's a lot to be learned when we experience resentment in a relationship. I think there's a very specific kind of feeling tone to resentment, and it's this sense of, you know, internal frustration and kind of victimhood, powerlessness, this sense that someone is doing something or not doing something to us, and we have this anger and frustration towards them, but there's this really internal experience to resentment. I think that those of us who struggle with directly articulating needs or boundaries or requests, giving feedback, maybe those of us who are conflict diverse, who tend towards keeping the peace rather than, you know, getting everything out in the open, advocating for ourselves. I think if you fall into that bucket, that type of person, then you're probably more susceptible to struggling with resentment than is someone who is very direct, and as soon as they're bothered by something, they raise it. There is this internal harboring of her stories and, as I said, like victimhood and this sense of being aggrieved by someone, but that there's nothing that you can do about it, and so you just sort of stew on it internally. Now as I'm saying that, I'm sure the the vast majority of people will have had some experience of resentment, and so you can probably recall that feeling and, you know, how icky it is in your body, how toxic it is in a relational context, and to have all of that kind of bubbling under the surface. I really like the analogy, not just the context of resentment, but more broadly in relationships of a pane of glass. If there was a pane of glass between us, how clean or grubby is that pane of glass? With the metaphor kind of meaning that if the glass is really clean, then everything's good.
[00:04:49]:
The channels of communication are open, you're feeling really connected. But if the glass is really dirty, grubby, there's there's marks all over it, you can't really see each other, then that's maybe pointing to there being things that need addressing in the relationship. And I think resentment is something that makes the glass pretty murky, pretty grubby. And so I think that we do need to really reflect on, you know, what resentment does to a relationship. And I think one of the tricky things about it is when we're in this mindset of feeling really resentful towards someone, it typically goes hand in hand with feeling powerless. And I think that's one of the key things that we can take away from a feeling of resentment, that we can really learn from it, is that we've given away our power or we've placed that outside of ourselves, and we're really focusing on the things that other people are doing, whether that's to us or that they're not doing that we think they should be doing and we're feeling judgmental of them about it. But we've generally placed our happiness, our well-being, our sense of empowerment outside of ourselves. And then we're feeling really sorry for ourselves and kind of salty about the fact that someone's not playing by the rules that we've created.
[00:06:02]:
And as I alluded to, oftentimes these are unspoken rules, just expectations that we have of how things should be, how people should act, and then we stew on that when it doesn't all go to plan. So I should pause there and say, this is not about, you know, giving other people a free pass. It's not about saying that someone's behavior, if it is, you know, not okay and that will look different in all different circumstances, so I'm not gonna fill in the blanks for you on what, you know, good and bad behavior is. Because, you know, outside of very clear bright lines, we all have different tolerances for different behaviors, and that's okay. It's about figuring out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. So it's not about or if you're feeling resentful of someone's behavior, me saying to you that that's a really good sign that there's work for you to do there is not to say their behavior is actually fine and they can carry on doing whatever they want because it's your problem, not theirs. I think that when we flip flop between that very, like, binary dualistic thinking of, well, who's at fault here? That's really missing the point. And and what we wanna be doing is stepping outside of that framework altogether where we're trying to find the bad guy and actually just going, okay, what's within my control? What is my part in this? What can I take responsibility for? What can I take ownership over? And I think generally in shifting into that frame of mind, we realize we have a lot more choice than we otherwise did.
[00:07:29]:
When we're in that victim mode, when we're in a lot of fear, we typically feel like we have no choice and no options. And that only exacerbates our sense of powerlessness and fear and anger and resentment because we think that someone else has trapped us in an unfulfilling situation, life, relationship, whatever it might be. So it's not about excusing their behavior. It's not about saying, like, actually, you have no reason to feel resentful or pissed off because it's all on your shoulders. But it is about going, okay, where have I maybe not respected myself here? Where have I not advocated for myself? Where have I not set a boundary? Where have I not said the thing that needs to be said? Where have I not stated a need? What have I done to contribute to the status quo here which is leaving me feeling resentful? The the biggest situation or dynamic because it is very, very rare. I would say almost never happens that one person has no role whatsoever and is just totally So recognizing So recognizing that oftentimes when we're struggling with feelings of resentment, it is because we have not said something. And it comes back, as I said, to that thing of we're keeping it all inside and then feeling really angry and bitter about it. So, if you're feeling resentful, there's often something that has been neglected that is being unsaid, that is being swept under the rug that maybe you are avoiding.
[00:09:04]:
And, you know, there can be really understandable reasons for avoiding difficult conversations, difficult topics for confronting someone, asking them for an honest response to a question that you're scared to ask. All of these things can be daunting, and I really do understand and have sympathy for that. But at the same time, your peace does not come from collapsing into resentment and powerlessness and victimhood. I really promise you that. So if you are feeling resentful about something, really reflect on, how have I contributed to this? What am I not saying? What am I not doing for myself? Because maybe you have said something. I know a lot of people might be thinking, I did tell them what I needed or I did set the boundary and they're still doing this or they're still not doing that. And so now I just feel so exasperated and fed up and overwhelmed and at my wits end because I feel like I've done my part and they're not playing along. So what am I meant to do now? Again, it's that feeling of, like, having exhausted all of your options and then blaming them for the fact that you're feeling powerless.
[00:10:11]:
Again, I really understand this. I relate to it. But there's still a lot of story in that, and there's still, you know, a lot of blame and projection in that. And that's actually good news because it means that there's more choice and there's more agency in the situation than you realize. So shifting out of that mindset and just putting it to one side for a second and going, Okay. Is that really true that I don't have any other options? That it's all on them and my happiness resides in their behavior, whether they choose to do something or not. How they show up, how they behave towards me gets to determine whether or not I'm happy and at peace in my life. That's a really skewed way of being.
[00:10:59]:
And for a lot of us, that's all we've ever known. So it might be a bit like, what what else am I meant to do? Right? That's that's just reality for me is that my sense of well-being, my sense of happiness is determined by what my partner does or what the people that are close to me, how they behave. And recognizing the kind of codependent patterns that can exist in that, this sense of I have to control your behavior or influence your behavior in order for me to feel okay because those things are so inextricably linked in my in my mind, in my body. So reflecting on that. Reflecting on what is my role here, what can I give to myself, how can I kind of take the situation back into my own hands, how can I create a sense of empowerment, How can I prioritize my own well-being here rather than outsourcing that to someone else and then resenting them for not doing what I want them to do, and really shifting back into that kind of internal leadership role where you are in the driver's seat of your own experience, rather than being in the passenger seat of someone else's and blaming them for going in the wrong direction? So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that that might feel easier said than done, and it certainly is. All of this stuff is easier said than done. But it's such an important thing to reflect on when we have these patterns of, you know, feeling really at the mercy of someone else in our relationships.
[00:12:32]:
As I said, for a lot of us, that's just so normal that we don't know any other way, but it's actually not healthy to feel that way. And so starting to shift out of that, and it's not about becoming indifferent to someone else. It's not, as I said, saying that, like, they can just do whatever and I'm going to be unaffected by it, but it's recognizing that you can take really good care of yourself, and that'll mean a lot of different things. So it's deciding how near or far you want to be to someone else's behaviour if that behaviour is causing you hurt and pain. But just allowing yourself to stay stuck and then being resentful that nothing's changing or that someone's continuing to do something or hasn't started doing the thing that they said they were going to do. It's not a nice place to be. It's not good for your health, your well-being, your sanity. Again, speaking from experience, I know what that feels like.
[00:13:24]:
So my invitation to you is really to almost imagine you're taking off a really heavy cloak and go, oh, I'm gonna take off that cloak of resentment and just see what else might exist here, what other possibilities exist here, whether it's a conversation that needs to be had, whether it's some steps you need to take for yourself, some space and time away, or just a shift in focus and mindset. Just see what becomes possible when you consciously decide to shift gears away from that mode of of resentment, of stuckness, of disempowerment. Because I promise you there's a lot more to be gained on the other side of that than there is by swirling around in that pool of resentment. Okay. I hope that that has given you something to think about. I hope it's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and ratings. I do read every single one of them and they always bring a smile to my face.
[00:14:18]:
Always so touched by all of the people that tune in and finding some solace in the podcast. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
resentment, relationship resentment, overcoming resentment, attachment styles, romantic relationships, coworker resentment, boss resentment, secure self challenge, self worth, self compassion, self care, self respect, self trust, setting boundaries, articulating needs, conflict avoidance, internal frustration, powerlessness, victimhood, harbouring resentment, communication in relationships, addressing resentment, relational context, reflecting on resentment, empowerment in relationships, codependency, controlling behaviour, mental well-being, emotional health, relationship dynamics.
#147 5 Traits To Look For in a Partner
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
The five traits we discuss in this episode are:
Emotional self-awareness
Integrity and trustworthiness
Consistency, reliability and dependability
Humour and playfulness
Kindness
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner for a Thriving Relationship
Finding a life partner is one of the most significant decisions we make. The foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship often rests on the qualities we choose to prioritise in our partner. Here are five essential traits to look for in a prospective partner to ensure a secure, joyful, and meaningful connection.
1. Emotional Self-Awareness and Maturity
Emotional self-awareness is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. A partner with this trait understands their feelings and reactions, and recognises how past experiences shape their current behaviours. They can reflect on why they feel triggered by certain things and are willing to take responsibility for their emotions. Emotional maturity is not about being completely "healed" but rather about being on a continuous journey of self-discovery.
This trait is critical because it ensures that both partners can communicate effectively, apologise when necessary, and navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life together. Without emotional self-awareness, misunderstandings can escalate, leading to unresolved conflicts and hurt feelings.
2. Integrity
Integrity might sound like a given, but it's often overlooked in the context of relationships. True integrity is about alignment between one's words and actions, trustworthiness, and a clear sense of who they are. It's about internal consistency – knowing and living by one's values.
A partner with integrity creates a foundation of trust and safety. You can rely on them to be honest and to follow through on their commitments. This reliability alleviates anxiety and fosters a sense of security, allowing both partners to flourish individually and together. When integrity is present, it feels like a breath of fresh air, providing a safe landing where both partners can authentically be themselves.
3. Consistency and Reliability
Consistency and reliability are indispensable in any relationship. The chaos of unpredictability can create an atmosphere of anxiety and insecurity. A dependable partner, on the other hand, offers stability. Their actions are predictable, and you can trust that they will be there for you when needed.
This trait is especially crucial for individuals with anxious attachment styles, who may be particularly sensitive to inconsistency. However, everyone benefits from a stable and predictable environment, as it minimises stress and allows for deeper emotional bonds to form. Inconsistencies can make anyone feel unsettled, so finding a partner who embodies these traits is essential for long-term happiness.
4. Humour and Playfulness
While emotional depth and seriousness have their place, a healthy relationship thrives on moments of lightheartedness and fun. Shared laughter can be incredibly bonding, providing a break from the daily grind and revealing the joy of simply being together.
A partner with a good sense of humour brings warmth and playfulness into the relationship, helping to diffuse tension and build a sense of camaraderie. It's not always about having deep conversations; sometimes, the most profound connections are built through shared jokes and playful banter. Humour acts as a counterbalance to the challenges that life inevitably throws our way, making the journey together much more enjoyable.
5. Kindness and Warmth
Kindness is a trait that cannot be overstated. In the hustle and bustle of life, simple acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can often fall by the wayside. Yet, feeling cared for and valued by your partner is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
A kind partner speaks lovingly, goes out of their way to help when needed, and treats you with genuine respect. This trait nurtures emotional safety, fostering an environment where both partners feel secure and cherished. Especially in long-term relationships, maintaining kindness can be challenging but is crucial for enduring love and connection.
Cultivating These Traits in Yourself
While it's essential to seek these traits in a partner, it's equally important to cultivate them within oneself. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are qualities that anyone can develop with intention and practice. When both partners strive to embody these traits, it creates a reciprocal dynamic that strengthens the relationship.
Building a Strong Foundation Together
Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship where both partners feel secure, valued, and understood. By prioritising these traits, individuals can create a sturdy foundation that supports mutual growth and happiness. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are the building blocks of any thriving relationship, setting the stage for a loving and lasting partnership.
Remember, no one is perfect, and relationships are a continuous work in progress. However, by focusing on these crucial traits, you can align yourself with a partner who complements your journey, encouraging a connection that is both deep and enduring.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you define emotional self-awareness and maturity in your own words? Do you believe you embody these traits in your relationships? Reflect on examples where you have showcased these qualities and moments where you might have fallen short.
Think about the value you place on integrity in a relationship. Can you recall instances when you felt a strong sense of alignment and honesty with a partner? Conversely, have you experienced relationships where a lack of integrity led to distrust or conflict?
Reflect on the role consistency and reliability play in your relationships. Do you find yourself more anxious in relationships where these qualities are lacking? How has this impacted your sense of security?
Consider how humor and playfulness contribute to the dynamics of your relationship. Do you prioritise moments of fun and laughter? How do you think humor can alleviate tension and strengthen your bond with a partner?
Kindness seems simple but crucial. How do you practice kindness in your relationship? After listening to the episode, do you feel your relationship has enough of this foundational trait? Think about ways you can incorporate more acts of kindness daily.
Recall a time when your partner’s emotional availability made a significant difference in your relationship. How did it affect your connection and communication?
Reflect on the importance of follow-through and living by your values. Do you and your partner consistently align your actions with your words? How can you improve integrity within your relationship?
How comfortable are you with being vulnerable and addressing past wounds that may surface in your relationship? Do you feel your partner supports you in this process of self-discovery and healing?
Sometimes long-term relationships can lose the element of fun. What steps can you take to reintroduce playfulness and joy into your relationship? Reflect on activities you both enjoy that foster a sense of connection and relaxation.
Finally, evaluate your current or past relationships against the five traits discussed: emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humor, and kindness. Which areas are strong, and which need more work? How can you actively cultivate these traits to enhance your relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 traits to be looking for in a prospective partner or to be prioritizing when looking for a partner. So this is an episode that I've wanted to do for a while, but I put the call out on Instagram earlier this week and asked people what traits they found most attractive in a partner. And I was pleased to see that most of the responses that I got aligned with the list that I had going. And so I'm gonna be talking through some of those today, but, you know, if you were someone who responded to my Instagram call out earlier in the week, then thank you for your contribution. It's played a part in putting this episode together. So gonna be talking about this.
[00:01:12]:
And, of course, if you're already in a relationship, I suppose today's episode is, in part, 5 things that are really valuable traits in a partner that you can seek to embody and also that you can prioritize fostering in your own relationship if you're already in 1. Now before I dive into today's episode, you might have seen me mention if you do follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list, that my secure self challenge, which I launched for the first time at the start of this year, I am opening that up again at the end of the month. The first round that we ran back in February was so great. I was really, really pleasantly surprised by how much everyone got into it. It was a really vibrant community. So for anyone who doesn't know, it's a 28 day challenge. Unlike my courses, which are a bit more, I suppose, educational in focus, the challenge is shorter audio only lessons with a theme each week around the umbrella topic of building self worth, and we break that down into self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust over the 4 weeks. And it's really giving you something to think about on each of those topics and then some homework for you to go off and really reflect on those things, put it into action, and then a really vibrant community space for you to connect with everyone else.
[00:02:27]:
So if you're at all interested in that, we kick off at the end of the month. We've already got about 35 people signed up in the past couple of days, which is great, and I would love for you to be there. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's really just around this theme of building a really strong sense of self, which is work that we should all, I think, be doing, and it can be a huge benefit to you no matter where you sit. So if you're interested in signing up to that, the link's in the show notes, or you can go straight to my website. That should all be relatively easy to find. The early bird pricing is available for the next 5 days or so. Okay.
[00:02:59]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around 5 traits that you should be looking for in a prospective partner. Now the first 1 was, you know, self awareness, emotional maturity, emotional availability, that kind of thing. So I think this is really important because, you know, if you are someone who is doing the work to understand yourself better, and you are someone who is really interested in personal development and growth and all of those things. While I've said many times before, your partner doesn't have to be on that path in the exact same way that you are, they don't have to listen to relationship podcasts in order to be a good person, It does really help if someone has the capacity and willingness to reflect on how their past has influenced their present, the things that are wounds within them or their sensitivities, why does something trigger them, Why are their conditioned patterns the way they are? And having some degree of self responsibility and accountability around those things, the ability to reflect on that and communicate about it, I think is hugely important to creating a safe, secure relationship because those things will come up. And so if you're in a relationship with someone who, you know, is getting triggered by things, as we all do, to be clear, it's not about finding someone who is quote unquote healed. I don't think that person exists. And I should say, I did receive a few responses from people on Instagram saying, I'm looking for someone who's healed all of their wounds, basically, who's completely healed their childhood stuff.
[00:04:34]:
And I just don't know that that's a fair standard to set. I think that's an incredibly high bar, and I think we're all a work in progress. But I suppose how we might reframe that is wanting to find someone who is in progress in the sense that they are aware of themselves. They are aware of how those things have influenced them. Because I think without that, you're gonna really struggle to work through the ways that you might rub against each other the wrong way, the ways that your respective wounds interact, and they will because that's what romantic relationships do. Right? They really bring us into contact with these most vulnerable, tender parts of us. If someone's in total denial and avoidance about that, they don't wanna talk about it, they don't wanna look at it, they're very insistent that there's nothing to see there. While we can have some sympathy for that and understand that that in and of itself is, an adaptation, there's protective benefit to denial.
[00:05:33]:
It can be really hard to be in relationship with, particularly if you are someone who, wants to go into those things, who wants to understand more of that within yourself, and to be in relationship with someone who has that degree of self awareness. So prioritizing someone who has a degree of emotional literacy, emotional self awareness, who's willing to reflect and take accountability for their own sensitivities, I think is a really attractive trait and something to look for in a partner. Okay. The next 1 is integrity. So integrity for me would be near top of the list, and I think that this is 1 that, you know, some people might not think of or they might not really understand what that means in the context of a relationship. I think, as a side note, integrity is hugely important as a trait to cultivate within yourself, and I think when we lack integrity, we typically lack a sense of self respect and a clear sense of who we are, authenticity. So, for me, and this is not the singular definition of integrity, but for me integrity is a sense of alignment and wholeness, authenticity. It's actions and words line up.
[00:06:43]:
It's follow through. It's honesty, trustworthiness. All of this to me comes under the banner of integrity. Can I feel who you really are in your presence? Is there this sense of safety within you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what your values are, and do you live by them? So I think, again, it's not about holding people to an impossible standard of perfection. People slip up. People are not always totally honest and transparent. People make mistakes and do things they're not proud of, and that's okay. But I suppose part of integrity is taking ownership and righting your wrong, so to speak, And integrity is a quality that I think fosters so much safety.
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So if you're with someone and you can feel their sense of integrity, your whole system is gonna relax. Whereas if you are feeling hypervigilant and unsure and all of those things, it might be because this person lacks really clear integrity and, you know, a really clear sense of internal alignment and presence and self respect and honesty and all of those things, trustworthiness, that sometimes you can't necessarily place your finger on it. But I think integrity, when it's there and you can feel it, it is such a soothing quality, and it's really something to prioritize in a partner because it just creates so much safety. It's like a breath of fresh air. It's a a safe landing for you that if you've never experienced that, and a lot of people won't have if you've typically dated people who are flaky and inconsistent and unreliable, You may not know what integrity feels like, but I think that there is, yeah, a a great degree of safety that comes from being in relationship with someone whose sense of integrity you can really feel. So look for someone with integrity. And if that feels abstract, we're looking for things like honesty, like alignment between words and actions, like a clear sense that this person knows who they are, what they value, what they care about, and they live by those things. So those are the ones to look out for when we're looking for someone who embodies a sense of integrity.
[00:08:48]:
Okay. Next, consistency, reliability, dependability. These came up a lot as well, and I think they're hugely important for obvious reasons. I've talked at length so many times about what inconsistency does to us, and inconsistency creates anxiety. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, you are going to be particularly sensitive to any perceived inconsistency in someone's behavior. But even if you aren't anxiously attached, like, inconsistency makes us crazy. An unpredictable environment creates hyper vigilance, and that's a very natural, and I would say adaptive response to to an unpredictable environment or an unpredictable relationship. If I don't know what's coming next, then I have to be really on high alert for any possible eventuality because there isn't that sense of stability and predictability.
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So being with someone who is consistent, who, you know, is available, it might not be as exciting as the roller coaster ride of someone who's really hot and cold. And most people would say, consciously, they don't want that, and yet we so often tolerate connections that don't possess this quality of consistency, reliability, dependability. So look for those qualities. Look for someone who is stable, who is consistently available rather than coming and going, leaving you guessing. Look for someone who doesn't leave you with a lot of unanswered questions and that sense of anxiety and doubt and worry and uncertainty about where you stand, all of those things. You know, there can be such a conditioned familiarity with those feelings that we don't even really register them as a problem because they might just be so normal to you and your relational history. And certainly, again, if you're more anxiously attached, inconsistency is a really core part of the origin story of anxious attachment, and you can go back and listen to episodes around what causes anxious attachment. I've got stuff on that.
[00:10:43]:
But, yeah, we really need to unlearn that, thinking that inconsistency and volatility and unpredictability is normal, and seek out someone who you can rely on, who's going to really be there, who doesn't leave you guessing, who doesn't leave you wondering how they're feeling or what they're thinking or whatever. Right? You know, really lean into that quality of consistency, stability, safety, predictability. It is like a soothing balm for your system. Okay. Next 1, humor. This came up a lot, and I think it is so important. Someone that you can laugh with and play with and have fun with. I think if you're accustomed to relationships that feel stressful, it's really easy to overlook the importance of lightness in a relationship, of warmth, of fun, of lightheartedness.
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But that stuff is like medicine and really is so regulating for you. So being with someone that you can have fun with, that you can joke around with, that you have a similar sense of humor with, that really creates such a sense of safety in your system without even really needing to try. It's not that kind of serious emotional safety that comes with having a deep conversation, which, you know, is important as well, but it's effortless safety that comes with humor and play and fun. And I think that that's a really important thing to prioritize in your relationship as a really key pillar of that. That sense of friendship alongside the romantic connection that allows a relationship to be really enduring and allows you to feel that sense of being able to be your authentic self and let your guard down because it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. I think humor is a really powerful antidote to some of that more serious stuff that can come with relationships, particularly if you, you know, do struggle with various insecurities or or challenges. Having a good dose of humor in there and play and fun is so, so important. So definitely look for someone who you can laugh with, who you can have fun with.
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And if you're in a relationship already and that feels a little lacking, try to really actively cultivate it. Try not to be so bogged down in the heaviness all the time. Try to counterbalance that with some fun, with some lightness. Okay, and last but certainly not least is kindness. So I think that we can really overlook this. The importance of kindness, it almost seems so simple and obvious that it maybe doesn't make the list or isn't front of mind. But kindness is so important. Feeling like someone who really cares about you, speaks fondly both to you and about you, goes out of their way, someone who is thoughtful, who's caring, feeling all of those things in relationship with the person who you love most, I think is so, so important.
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And particularly, you know, if this is in a dating context, you've got to have that at least at the start. Right? We want all these things to be enduring, but I think we do get a little sloppy in longer term relationships, and we can take our partner for granted. So absolutely all of these things, I should say, we wanna be seeing all of these and more at the start when people are on their best behavior. But as the relationship goes on, if you're in a relationship, like, kindness is just so, so important. And if your partner is not treating you kindly, or you're not treating your partner kindly, and I think it can go both ways if the relational environment altogether has become a little strained, we can forget things like kindness and warmth and care and, you know, tenderness towards each other. That can fall by the wayside because we do get, you know, wound up in all of the things that aren't working, all the things we're stressed about, or whatever. Prioritising something like kindness and really looking for a partner who is kind to you, it sounds like a no brainer, but it's really 1 to actively keep front of mind. Again, particularly if you're dating and you're not feeling that sense of, like, consistent kindness and warmth from someone, I think you have to pause and go, okay, what am I actually pursuing here and why? If I don't feel like I can check these kind of basic foundational boxes, so look for someone who's kind.
[00:14:51]:
Okay. So that was 5 traits to look for in a partner, 5 traits to cultivate in your relationship, in yourself, I suppose, if you're already in a relationship. Just to recap, that was emotional self awareness, maturity, sense of integrity, and, you know, alignment between words and actions and values. Consistency, reliability, and dependability, knowing that you can really count on someone humor and fun and play and kindness and warmth. So I hope that that has given you something to think about. Maybe that's really affirming that you're on the right track if you're already prioritising connections with people who embody these traits. Or maybe you're seeing that the scorecard is a little skewed and you've been pursuing connections with people who don't so much embody these traits, and maybe you've been feeling anxious and insecure as a result of that, and maybe that's given you a bit of an insight into why that might be. So really reorienting towards these fundamental attributes that I think make for a healthy foundation, a secure foundation for any relationship.
[00:15:53]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and kind words. I read all of them, and I'm always so touched by the way that the podcast is helping you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining us for the Secure Self Challenge that kicks off on the 29th July, I'd love to see you there, and that is all linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast, traits in a partner, prospective partner, emotional maturity, self awareness, emotional availability, integrity, alignment, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, reliability, dependability, humor, self worth, self respect, self care, self trust, secure self challenge, dating, emotional literacy, accountability, personal development, romantic relationships, anxiety in relationships, kindness, thrive in relationships