#147 5 Traits To Look For in a Partner
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
The five traits we discuss in this episode are:
Emotional self-awareness
Integrity and trustworthiness
Consistency, reliability and dependability
Humour and playfulness
Kindness
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner for a Thriving Relationship
Finding a life partner is one of the most significant decisions we make. The foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship often rests on the qualities we choose to prioritise in our partner. Here are five essential traits to look for in a prospective partner to ensure a secure, joyful, and meaningful connection.
1. Emotional Self-Awareness and Maturity
Emotional self-awareness is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. A partner with this trait understands their feelings and reactions, and recognises how past experiences shape their current behaviours. They can reflect on why they feel triggered by certain things and are willing to take responsibility for their emotions. Emotional maturity is not about being completely "healed" but rather about being on a continuous journey of self-discovery.
This trait is critical because it ensures that both partners can communicate effectively, apologise when necessary, and navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life together. Without emotional self-awareness, misunderstandings can escalate, leading to unresolved conflicts and hurt feelings.
2. Integrity
Integrity might sound like a given, but it's often overlooked in the context of relationships. True integrity is about alignment between one's words and actions, trustworthiness, and a clear sense of who they are. It's about internal consistency – knowing and living by one's values.
A partner with integrity creates a foundation of trust and safety. You can rely on them to be honest and to follow through on their commitments. This reliability alleviates anxiety and fosters a sense of security, allowing both partners to flourish individually and together. When integrity is present, it feels like a breath of fresh air, providing a safe landing where both partners can authentically be themselves.
3. Consistency and Reliability
Consistency and reliability are indispensable in any relationship. The chaos of unpredictability can create an atmosphere of anxiety and insecurity. A dependable partner, on the other hand, offers stability. Their actions are predictable, and you can trust that they will be there for you when needed.
This trait is especially crucial for individuals with anxious attachment styles, who may be particularly sensitive to inconsistency. However, everyone benefits from a stable and predictable environment, as it minimises stress and allows for deeper emotional bonds to form. Inconsistencies can make anyone feel unsettled, so finding a partner who embodies these traits is essential for long-term happiness.
4. Humour and Playfulness
While emotional depth and seriousness have their place, a healthy relationship thrives on moments of lightheartedness and fun. Shared laughter can be incredibly bonding, providing a break from the daily grind and revealing the joy of simply being together.
A partner with a good sense of humour brings warmth and playfulness into the relationship, helping to diffuse tension and build a sense of camaraderie. It's not always about having deep conversations; sometimes, the most profound connections are built through shared jokes and playful banter. Humour acts as a counterbalance to the challenges that life inevitably throws our way, making the journey together much more enjoyable.
5. Kindness and Warmth
Kindness is a trait that cannot be overstated. In the hustle and bustle of life, simple acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can often fall by the wayside. Yet, feeling cared for and valued by your partner is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
A kind partner speaks lovingly, goes out of their way to help when needed, and treats you with genuine respect. This trait nurtures emotional safety, fostering an environment where both partners feel secure and cherished. Especially in long-term relationships, maintaining kindness can be challenging but is crucial for enduring love and connection.
Cultivating These Traits in Yourself
While it's essential to seek these traits in a partner, it's equally important to cultivate them within oneself. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are qualities that anyone can develop with intention and practice. When both partners strive to embody these traits, it creates a reciprocal dynamic that strengthens the relationship.
Building a Strong Foundation Together
Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship where both partners feel secure, valued, and understood. By prioritising these traits, individuals can create a sturdy foundation that supports mutual growth and happiness. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are the building blocks of any thriving relationship, setting the stage for a loving and lasting partnership.
Remember, no one is perfect, and relationships are a continuous work in progress. However, by focusing on these crucial traits, you can align yourself with a partner who complements your journey, encouraging a connection that is both deep and enduring.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you define emotional self-awareness and maturity in your own words? Do you believe you embody these traits in your relationships? Reflect on examples where you have showcased these qualities and moments where you might have fallen short.
Think about the value you place on integrity in a relationship. Can you recall instances when you felt a strong sense of alignment and honesty with a partner? Conversely, have you experienced relationships where a lack of integrity led to distrust or conflict?
Reflect on the role consistency and reliability play in your relationships. Do you find yourself more anxious in relationships where these qualities are lacking? How has this impacted your sense of security?
Consider how humor and playfulness contribute to the dynamics of your relationship. Do you prioritise moments of fun and laughter? How do you think humor can alleviate tension and strengthen your bond with a partner?
Kindness seems simple but crucial. How do you practice kindness in your relationship? After listening to the episode, do you feel your relationship has enough of this foundational trait? Think about ways you can incorporate more acts of kindness daily.
Recall a time when your partner’s emotional availability made a significant difference in your relationship. How did it affect your connection and communication?
Reflect on the importance of follow-through and living by your values. Do you and your partner consistently align your actions with your words? How can you improve integrity within your relationship?
How comfortable are you with being vulnerable and addressing past wounds that may surface in your relationship? Do you feel your partner supports you in this process of self-discovery and healing?
Sometimes long-term relationships can lose the element of fun. What steps can you take to reintroduce playfulness and joy into your relationship? Reflect on activities you both enjoy that foster a sense of connection and relaxation.
Finally, evaluate your current or past relationships against the five traits discussed: emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humor, and kindness. Which areas are strong, and which need more work? How can you actively cultivate these traits to enhance your relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 traits to be looking for in a prospective partner or to be prioritizing when looking for a partner. So this is an episode that I've wanted to do for a while, but I put the call out on Instagram earlier this week and asked people what traits they found most attractive in a partner. And I was pleased to see that most of the responses that I got aligned with the list that I had going. And so I'm gonna be talking through some of those today, but, you know, if you were someone who responded to my Instagram call out earlier in the week, then thank you for your contribution. It's played a part in putting this episode together. So gonna be talking about this.
[00:01:12]:
And, of course, if you're already in a relationship, I suppose today's episode is, in part, 5 things that are really valuable traits in a partner that you can seek to embody and also that you can prioritize fostering in your own relationship if you're already in 1. Now before I dive into today's episode, you might have seen me mention if you do follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list, that my secure self challenge, which I launched for the first time at the start of this year, I am opening that up again at the end of the month. The first round that we ran back in February was so great. I was really, really pleasantly surprised by how much everyone got into it. It was a really vibrant community. So for anyone who doesn't know, it's a 28 day challenge. Unlike my courses, which are a bit more, I suppose, educational in focus, the challenge is shorter audio only lessons with a theme each week around the umbrella topic of building self worth, and we break that down into self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust over the 4 weeks. And it's really giving you something to think about on each of those topics and then some homework for you to go off and really reflect on those things, put it into action, and then a really vibrant community space for you to connect with everyone else.
[00:02:27]:
So if you're at all interested in that, we kick off at the end of the month. We've already got about 35 people signed up in the past couple of days, which is great, and I would love for you to be there. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's really just around this theme of building a really strong sense of self, which is work that we should all, I think, be doing, and it can be a huge benefit to you no matter where you sit. So if you're interested in signing up to that, the link's in the show notes, or you can go straight to my website. That should all be relatively easy to find. The early bird pricing is available for the next 5 days or so. Okay.
[00:02:59]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around 5 traits that you should be looking for in a prospective partner. Now the first 1 was, you know, self awareness, emotional maturity, emotional availability, that kind of thing. So I think this is really important because, you know, if you are someone who is doing the work to understand yourself better, and you are someone who is really interested in personal development and growth and all of those things. While I've said many times before, your partner doesn't have to be on that path in the exact same way that you are, they don't have to listen to relationship podcasts in order to be a good person, It does really help if someone has the capacity and willingness to reflect on how their past has influenced their present, the things that are wounds within them or their sensitivities, why does something trigger them, Why are their conditioned patterns the way they are? And having some degree of self responsibility and accountability around those things, the ability to reflect on that and communicate about it, I think is hugely important to creating a safe, secure relationship because those things will come up. And so if you're in a relationship with someone who, you know, is getting triggered by things, as we all do, to be clear, it's not about finding someone who is quote unquote healed. I don't think that person exists. And I should say, I did receive a few responses from people on Instagram saying, I'm looking for someone who's healed all of their wounds, basically, who's completely healed their childhood stuff.
[00:04:34]:
And I just don't know that that's a fair standard to set. I think that's an incredibly high bar, and I think we're all a work in progress. But I suppose how we might reframe that is wanting to find someone who is in progress in the sense that they are aware of themselves. They are aware of how those things have influenced them. Because I think without that, you're gonna really struggle to work through the ways that you might rub against each other the wrong way, the ways that your respective wounds interact, and they will because that's what romantic relationships do. Right? They really bring us into contact with these most vulnerable, tender parts of us. If someone's in total denial and avoidance about that, they don't wanna talk about it, they don't wanna look at it, they're very insistent that there's nothing to see there. While we can have some sympathy for that and understand that that in and of itself is, an adaptation, there's protective benefit to denial.
[00:05:33]:
It can be really hard to be in relationship with, particularly if you are someone who, wants to go into those things, who wants to understand more of that within yourself, and to be in relationship with someone who has that degree of self awareness. So prioritizing someone who has a degree of emotional literacy, emotional self awareness, who's willing to reflect and take accountability for their own sensitivities, I think is a really attractive trait and something to look for in a partner. Okay. The next 1 is integrity. So integrity for me would be near top of the list, and I think that this is 1 that, you know, some people might not think of or they might not really understand what that means in the context of a relationship. I think, as a side note, integrity is hugely important as a trait to cultivate within yourself, and I think when we lack integrity, we typically lack a sense of self respect and a clear sense of who we are, authenticity. So, for me, and this is not the singular definition of integrity, but for me integrity is a sense of alignment and wholeness, authenticity. It's actions and words line up.
[00:06:43]:
It's follow through. It's honesty, trustworthiness. All of this to me comes under the banner of integrity. Can I feel who you really are in your presence? Is there this sense of safety within you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what your values are, and do you live by them? So I think, again, it's not about holding people to an impossible standard of perfection. People slip up. People are not always totally honest and transparent. People make mistakes and do things they're not proud of, and that's okay. But I suppose part of integrity is taking ownership and righting your wrong, so to speak, And integrity is a quality that I think fosters so much safety.
[00:07:25]:
So if you're with someone and you can feel their sense of integrity, your whole system is gonna relax. Whereas if you are feeling hypervigilant and unsure and all of those things, it might be because this person lacks really clear integrity and, you know, a really clear sense of internal alignment and presence and self respect and honesty and all of those things, trustworthiness, that sometimes you can't necessarily place your finger on it. But I think integrity, when it's there and you can feel it, it is such a soothing quality, and it's really something to prioritize in a partner because it just creates so much safety. It's like a breath of fresh air. It's a a safe landing for you that if you've never experienced that, and a lot of people won't have if you've typically dated people who are flaky and inconsistent and unreliable, You may not know what integrity feels like, but I think that there is, yeah, a a great degree of safety that comes from being in relationship with someone whose sense of integrity you can really feel. So look for someone with integrity. And if that feels abstract, we're looking for things like honesty, like alignment between words and actions, like a clear sense that this person knows who they are, what they value, what they care about, and they live by those things. So those are the ones to look out for when we're looking for someone who embodies a sense of integrity.
[00:08:48]:
Okay. Next, consistency, reliability, dependability. These came up a lot as well, and I think they're hugely important for obvious reasons. I've talked at length so many times about what inconsistency does to us, and inconsistency creates anxiety. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, you are going to be particularly sensitive to any perceived inconsistency in someone's behavior. But even if you aren't anxiously attached, like, inconsistency makes us crazy. An unpredictable environment creates hyper vigilance, and that's a very natural, and I would say adaptive response to to an unpredictable environment or an unpredictable relationship. If I don't know what's coming next, then I have to be really on high alert for any possible eventuality because there isn't that sense of stability and predictability.
[00:09:33]:
So being with someone who is consistent, who, you know, is available, it might not be as exciting as the roller coaster ride of someone who's really hot and cold. And most people would say, consciously, they don't want that, and yet we so often tolerate connections that don't possess this quality of consistency, reliability, dependability. So look for those qualities. Look for someone who is stable, who is consistently available rather than coming and going, leaving you guessing. Look for someone who doesn't leave you with a lot of unanswered questions and that sense of anxiety and doubt and worry and uncertainty about where you stand, all of those things. You know, there can be such a conditioned familiarity with those feelings that we don't even really register them as a problem because they might just be so normal to you and your relational history. And certainly, again, if you're more anxiously attached, inconsistency is a really core part of the origin story of anxious attachment, and you can go back and listen to episodes around what causes anxious attachment. I've got stuff on that.
[00:10:43]:
But, yeah, we really need to unlearn that, thinking that inconsistency and volatility and unpredictability is normal, and seek out someone who you can rely on, who's going to really be there, who doesn't leave you guessing, who doesn't leave you wondering how they're feeling or what they're thinking or whatever. Right? You know, really lean into that quality of consistency, stability, safety, predictability. It is like a soothing balm for your system. Okay. Next 1, humor. This came up a lot, and I think it is so important. Someone that you can laugh with and play with and have fun with. I think if you're accustomed to relationships that feel stressful, it's really easy to overlook the importance of lightness in a relationship, of warmth, of fun, of lightheartedness.
[00:11:34]:
But that stuff is like medicine and really is so regulating for you. So being with someone that you can have fun with, that you can joke around with, that you have a similar sense of humor with, that really creates such a sense of safety in your system without even really needing to try. It's not that kind of serious emotional safety that comes with having a deep conversation, which, you know, is important as well, but it's effortless safety that comes with humor and play and fun. And I think that that's a really important thing to prioritize in your relationship as a really key pillar of that. That sense of friendship alongside the romantic connection that allows a relationship to be really enduring and allows you to feel that sense of being able to be your authentic self and let your guard down because it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. I think humor is a really powerful antidote to some of that more serious stuff that can come with relationships, particularly if you, you know, do struggle with various insecurities or or challenges. Having a good dose of humor in there and play and fun is so, so important. So definitely look for someone who you can laugh with, who you can have fun with.
[00:12:42]:
And if you're in a relationship already and that feels a little lacking, try to really actively cultivate it. Try not to be so bogged down in the heaviness all the time. Try to counterbalance that with some fun, with some lightness. Okay, and last but certainly not least is kindness. So I think that we can really overlook this. The importance of kindness, it almost seems so simple and obvious that it maybe doesn't make the list or isn't front of mind. But kindness is so important. Feeling like someone who really cares about you, speaks fondly both to you and about you, goes out of their way, someone who is thoughtful, who's caring, feeling all of those things in relationship with the person who you love most, I think is so, so important.
[00:13:28]:
And particularly, you know, if this is in a dating context, you've got to have that at least at the start. Right? We want all these things to be enduring, but I think we do get a little sloppy in longer term relationships, and we can take our partner for granted. So absolutely all of these things, I should say, we wanna be seeing all of these and more at the start when people are on their best behavior. But as the relationship goes on, if you're in a relationship, like, kindness is just so, so important. And if your partner is not treating you kindly, or you're not treating your partner kindly, and I think it can go both ways if the relational environment altogether has become a little strained, we can forget things like kindness and warmth and care and, you know, tenderness towards each other. That can fall by the wayside because we do get, you know, wound up in all of the things that aren't working, all the things we're stressed about, or whatever. Prioritising something like kindness and really looking for a partner who is kind to you, it sounds like a no brainer, but it's really 1 to actively keep front of mind. Again, particularly if you're dating and you're not feeling that sense of, like, consistent kindness and warmth from someone, I think you have to pause and go, okay, what am I actually pursuing here and why? If I don't feel like I can check these kind of basic foundational boxes, so look for someone who's kind.
[00:14:51]:
Okay. So that was 5 traits to look for in a partner, 5 traits to cultivate in your relationship, in yourself, I suppose, if you're already in a relationship. Just to recap, that was emotional self awareness, maturity, sense of integrity, and, you know, alignment between words and actions and values. Consistency, reliability, and dependability, knowing that you can really count on someone humor and fun and play and kindness and warmth. So I hope that that has given you something to think about. Maybe that's really affirming that you're on the right track if you're already prioritising connections with people who embody these traits. Or maybe you're seeing that the scorecard is a little skewed and you've been pursuing connections with people who don't so much embody these traits, and maybe you've been feeling anxious and insecure as a result of that, and maybe that's given you a bit of an insight into why that might be. So really reorienting towards these fundamental attributes that I think make for a healthy foundation, a secure foundation for any relationship.
[00:15:53]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and kind words. I read all of them, and I'm always so touched by the way that the podcast is helping you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining us for the Secure Self Challenge that kicks off on the 29th July, I'd love to see you there, and that is all linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast, traits in a partner, prospective partner, emotional maturity, self awareness, emotional availability, integrity, alignment, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, reliability, dependability, humor, self worth, self respect, self care, self trust, secure self challenge, dating, emotional literacy, accountability, personal development, romantic relationships, anxiety in relationships, kindness, thrive in relationships