How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
We cover:
What resentment signals to us about ourselves
Why certain people are more prone to resentment
The link between resentment and poor boundaries, suppression of needs and avoiding conflict
How we can shift out of victimhood and take responsibility for our part in a dynamic
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
Resentment is a common yet often misunderstood emotion that can significantly impact our relationships. While fleeting moments of resentment can be part of any relationship dynamic, chronic resentment can signal deeper issues that need addressing. Understanding the roots and implications of resentment can be a crucial step toward fostering healthier connections and personal well-being.
The Nature of Resentment
Resentment is characterised by a sense of internal frustration, victimhood, and powerlessness. It often arises when we perceive that someone is doing something to us, or failing to do something, that leads to a buildup of anger and bitterness. Unlike anger, which is usually expressed outwardly, resentment tends to fester internally, creating a toxic undercurrent in relationships.
People who struggle with articulating their needs, setting boundaries, or are conflict-averse are often more susceptible to resentment. Rather than openly addressing issues, they might keep their grievances to themselves, leading to an internalised sense of injustice and powerlessness. This internal harbouring of resentment can make it challenging to move forward and resolve conflicts constructively.
Resentment Beyond Romantic Relationships
It's important to note that resentment isn't confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in various relational contexts — be it with a coworker, a boss, or even within family dynamics. Regardless of the context, the underlying feelings and their ramifications can be quite similar.
When resentment becomes a recurring theme, it demands introspection and a willingness to dissect what is truly happening beneath the surface. This involves examining not only the immediate triggers but also our habitual responses to those triggers.
The Impact on Relationships
Resentment acts like a dirty pane of glass between partners, obscuring clear communication and connection. When resentment is left unchecked, it can create a murky atmosphere where misunderstandings and emotional distance become the norm. This metaphor highlights the importance of keeping our relational "glass" as clean as possible to maintain healthy and open lines of communication.
One of the most insidious aspects of resentment is the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies it. This feeling can reinforce a victim mindset, making it difficult to see the situation from a more empowered perspective. It's easy to focus on what others are doing wrong or failing to do, which places our happiness and well-being outside of our control. This externalisation can lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction.
Taking Ownership
A critical step in addressing resentment is shifting from a victim mindset to one of personal responsibility and empowerment. This doesn't mean excusing someone else's poor behaviour but rather examining our own role in the dynamic. Reflecting on questions like, "Where have I not respected myself?" or "What have I not communicated?" can provide insight into how we've contributed to the situation.
Often, resentment is a signal that something important has been left unsaid or unaddressed. This might be a difficult conversation, an unexpressed need, or a boundary that hasn't been enforced. Acknowledging and confronting these areas can often be the first step toward resolving underlying tensions.
Moreover, it's essential to explore whether our expectations of others are realistic and communicated effectively. Sometimes, we may harbour unspoken rules or expectations that, when unmet, lead to feelings of resentment. By clearly expressing our needs and setting realistic expectations, we can mitigate the buildup of these negative feelings.
Practical Steps to Combat Resentment
Overcoming resentment involves both internal and external work. Internally, it's about shifting our mindset from one of disempowerment to taking active steps toward our own well-being. This might include:
Self-Reflection: Regularly checking in with ourselves to understand what we're truly feeling and why.
Boundary Setting: Clearly defining and communicating our boundaries to others.
Self-Care: Prioritising our well-being and not relying solely on others for our happiness.
Externally, it involves open communication and assertiveness:
Honest Conversations: Addressing issues directly with the people involved, rather than letting them fester.
Feedback and Requests: Clearly articulating what we need from others, rather than assuming they should know.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Developing the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.
Embracing Empowerment
Shifting from resentment to empowerment is a journey that requires patience and practice. It's about reclaiming our agency and recognising that we have more control over our situations than we might initially believe. By prioritising our own well-being and taking active steps to address underlying issues, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Resentment need not be a permanent fixture in our relational landscape. By engaging in intentional self-reflection, open communication, and proactive boundary setting, we can clear the emotional debris that clouds our connections and move towards a more empowered and fulfilling way of relating to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you frequently find yourself feeling resentful in your relationships? Where do you think this feeling stems from, and how does it affect your interactions with others?
Can you recall a situation where you felt particularly resentful towards someone? Reflect on how you managed that feeling and what, if anything, you did to address it.
In what ways do you struggle with articulating your needs or boundaries in your relationships? How might this contribute to feelings of resentment?
Do you recognise any patterns of conflict avoidance or peacekeeping in your behaviour? How does this impact your sense of empowerment and communication in relationships?
Think of a time when unspoken expectations led to feelings of resentment. How could clearer communication have altered the outcome of that situation?
Reflect on the concept of "internal empowerment" discussed in the episode. How do you currently take ownership of your well-being, and where could you improve?
When faced with a problematic behaviour in others, do you find yourself falling into a victim mindset? How can you shift towards taking constructive action for your own peace?
Consider a scenario where you successfully set a boundary or had a difficult conversation. What did you learn from this experience, and how can it be applied to other areas of your life?
How do you perceive the balance between setting realistic expectations of others and advocating for your needs? What strategies can help you maintain this balance?
Imagine letting go of a "cloak of resentment" as described in the episode. What actions or mindset shifts are necessary for you to feel more empowered and less resentful in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about resentment and what to do if you're feeling resentful in your relationship. So I think that resentment is unfortunately extremely common in relationships. And while it doesn't always, you know, mean that there's something wrong, like, we might experience moments of resentment in an otherwise healthy and secure relationship. If resentment is a really common occurrence for you, it's something that you feel a lot of the time and maybe you felt it in every relationship you've ever had or it's a big part of your life to feel resentful, then it is definitely something that we wanna get a bit curious about and understand a little more because as we'll talk about today, there's a lot to be learned about the situation and about your response to a situation by interrogating, in a gentle way, what's going on for us when we're harboring a lot of resentment towards a partner. And, you know, I should say, even as I'm saying this, it's not only something that we can experience in a romantic relationship. So, if you're feeling resentful in a coworker, a boss, there is much to be gained from understanding what is really going on for you there and what you might be able to do about it.
[00:01:46]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder that my Secure Self Challenge is kicking off in less than 2 weeks. We've already got over 50 people signed up and would absolutely love for you to join us if you are someone who's interested in learning more about building the pillars of security within yourself, self worth. It's a 28 day challenge, and each week is themed around one of those pillars. So we go self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's very much a welcoming space for all, and there's a strong community focus. So last time, there was a very vibrant, online community, and, you know, people really connected with one another and were hugely supportive of each other's shares and insights.
[00:02:35]:
And it was really such a beautiful thing for me to witness everyone really thriving and and growing in community together. And so if you're interested in joining, early bird pricing is available for the next 48 hours. Definitely encourage you to check it out. Would love to see you there. It's one of my most affordable offers, and, yeah, I would love to see you there. So definitely go check it out if you're interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around resentment.
[00:02:57]:
As I said in the introduction, I think that there's a lot to be learned when we experience resentment in a relationship. I think there's a very specific kind of feeling tone to resentment, and it's this sense of, you know, internal frustration and kind of victimhood, powerlessness, this sense that someone is doing something or not doing something to us, and we have this anger and frustration towards them, but there's this really internal experience to resentment. I think that those of us who struggle with directly articulating needs or boundaries or requests, giving feedback, maybe those of us who are conflict diverse, who tend towards keeping the peace rather than, you know, getting everything out in the open, advocating for ourselves. I think if you fall into that bucket, that type of person, then you're probably more susceptible to struggling with resentment than is someone who is very direct, and as soon as they're bothered by something, they raise it. There is this internal harboring of her stories and, as I said, like victimhood and this sense of being aggrieved by someone, but that there's nothing that you can do about it, and so you just sort of stew on it internally. Now as I'm saying that, I'm sure the the vast majority of people will have had some experience of resentment, and so you can probably recall that feeling and, you know, how icky it is in your body, how toxic it is in a relational context, and to have all of that kind of bubbling under the surface. I really like the analogy, not just the context of resentment, but more broadly in relationships of a pane of glass. If there was a pane of glass between us, how clean or grubby is that pane of glass? With the metaphor kind of meaning that if the glass is really clean, then everything's good.
[00:04:49]:
The channels of communication are open, you're feeling really connected. But if the glass is really dirty, grubby, there's there's marks all over it, you can't really see each other, then that's maybe pointing to there being things that need addressing in the relationship. And I think resentment is something that makes the glass pretty murky, pretty grubby. And so I think that we do need to really reflect on, you know, what resentment does to a relationship. And I think one of the tricky things about it is when we're in this mindset of feeling really resentful towards someone, it typically goes hand in hand with feeling powerless. And I think that's one of the key things that we can take away from a feeling of resentment, that we can really learn from it, is that we've given away our power or we've placed that outside of ourselves, and we're really focusing on the things that other people are doing, whether that's to us or that they're not doing that we think they should be doing and we're feeling judgmental of them about it. But we've generally placed our happiness, our well-being, our sense of empowerment outside of ourselves. And then we're feeling really sorry for ourselves and kind of salty about the fact that someone's not playing by the rules that we've created.
[00:06:02]:
And as I alluded to, oftentimes these are unspoken rules, just expectations that we have of how things should be, how people should act, and then we stew on that when it doesn't all go to plan. So I should pause there and say, this is not about, you know, giving other people a free pass. It's not about saying that someone's behavior, if it is, you know, not okay and that will look different in all different circumstances, so I'm not gonna fill in the blanks for you on what, you know, good and bad behavior is. Because, you know, outside of very clear bright lines, we all have different tolerances for different behaviors, and that's okay. It's about figuring out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. So it's not about or if you're feeling resentful of someone's behavior, me saying to you that that's a really good sign that there's work for you to do there is not to say their behavior is actually fine and they can carry on doing whatever they want because it's your problem, not theirs. I think that when we flip flop between that very, like, binary dualistic thinking of, well, who's at fault here? That's really missing the point. And and what we wanna be doing is stepping outside of that framework altogether where we're trying to find the bad guy and actually just going, okay, what's within my control? What is my part in this? What can I take responsibility for? What can I take ownership over? And I think generally in shifting into that frame of mind, we realize we have a lot more choice than we otherwise did.
[00:07:29]:
When we're in that victim mode, when we're in a lot of fear, we typically feel like we have no choice and no options. And that only exacerbates our sense of powerlessness and fear and anger and resentment because we think that someone else has trapped us in an unfulfilling situation, life, relationship, whatever it might be. So it's not about excusing their behavior. It's not about saying, like, actually, you have no reason to feel resentful or pissed off because it's all on your shoulders. But it is about going, okay, where have I maybe not respected myself here? Where have I not advocated for myself? Where have I not set a boundary? Where have I not said the thing that needs to be said? Where have I not stated a need? What have I done to contribute to the status quo here which is leaving me feeling resentful? The the biggest situation or dynamic because it is very, very rare. I would say almost never happens that one person has no role whatsoever and is just totally So recognizing So recognizing that oftentimes when we're struggling with feelings of resentment, it is because we have not said something. And it comes back, as I said, to that thing of we're keeping it all inside and then feeling really angry and bitter about it. So, if you're feeling resentful, there's often something that has been neglected that is being unsaid, that is being swept under the rug that maybe you are avoiding.
[00:09:04]:
And, you know, there can be really understandable reasons for avoiding difficult conversations, difficult topics for confronting someone, asking them for an honest response to a question that you're scared to ask. All of these things can be daunting, and I really do understand and have sympathy for that. But at the same time, your peace does not come from collapsing into resentment and powerlessness and victimhood. I really promise you that. So if you are feeling resentful about something, really reflect on, how have I contributed to this? What am I not saying? What am I not doing for myself? Because maybe you have said something. I know a lot of people might be thinking, I did tell them what I needed or I did set the boundary and they're still doing this or they're still not doing that. And so now I just feel so exasperated and fed up and overwhelmed and at my wits end because I feel like I've done my part and they're not playing along. So what am I meant to do now? Again, it's that feeling of, like, having exhausted all of your options and then blaming them for the fact that you're feeling powerless.
[00:10:11]:
Again, I really understand this. I relate to it. But there's still a lot of story in that, and there's still, you know, a lot of blame and projection in that. And that's actually good news because it means that there's more choice and there's more agency in the situation than you realize. So shifting out of that mindset and just putting it to one side for a second and going, Okay. Is that really true that I don't have any other options? That it's all on them and my happiness resides in their behavior, whether they choose to do something or not. How they show up, how they behave towards me gets to determine whether or not I'm happy and at peace in my life. That's a really skewed way of being.
[00:10:59]:
And for a lot of us, that's all we've ever known. So it might be a bit like, what what else am I meant to do? Right? That's that's just reality for me is that my sense of well-being, my sense of happiness is determined by what my partner does or what the people that are close to me, how they behave. And recognizing the kind of codependent patterns that can exist in that, this sense of I have to control your behavior or influence your behavior in order for me to feel okay because those things are so inextricably linked in my in my mind, in my body. So reflecting on that. Reflecting on what is my role here, what can I give to myself, how can I kind of take the situation back into my own hands, how can I create a sense of empowerment, How can I prioritize my own well-being here rather than outsourcing that to someone else and then resenting them for not doing what I want them to do, and really shifting back into that kind of internal leadership role where you are in the driver's seat of your own experience, rather than being in the passenger seat of someone else's and blaming them for going in the wrong direction? So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that that might feel easier said than done, and it certainly is. All of this stuff is easier said than done. But it's such an important thing to reflect on when we have these patterns of, you know, feeling really at the mercy of someone else in our relationships.
[00:12:32]:
As I said, for a lot of us, that's just so normal that we don't know any other way, but it's actually not healthy to feel that way. And so starting to shift out of that, and it's not about becoming indifferent to someone else. It's not, as I said, saying that, like, they can just do whatever and I'm going to be unaffected by it, but it's recognizing that you can take really good care of yourself, and that'll mean a lot of different things. So it's deciding how near or far you want to be to someone else's behaviour if that behaviour is causing you hurt and pain. But just allowing yourself to stay stuck and then being resentful that nothing's changing or that someone's continuing to do something or hasn't started doing the thing that they said they were going to do. It's not a nice place to be. It's not good for your health, your well-being, your sanity. Again, speaking from experience, I know what that feels like.
[00:13:24]:
So my invitation to you is really to almost imagine you're taking off a really heavy cloak and go, oh, I'm gonna take off that cloak of resentment and just see what else might exist here, what other possibilities exist here, whether it's a conversation that needs to be had, whether it's some steps you need to take for yourself, some space and time away, or just a shift in focus and mindset. Just see what becomes possible when you consciously decide to shift gears away from that mode of of resentment, of stuckness, of disempowerment. Because I promise you there's a lot more to be gained on the other side of that than there is by swirling around in that pool of resentment. Okay. I hope that that has given you something to think about. I hope it's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and ratings. I do read every single one of them and they always bring a smile to my face.
[00:14:18]:
Always so touched by all of the people that tune in and finding some solace in the podcast. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
resentment, relationship resentment, overcoming resentment, attachment styles, romantic relationships, coworker resentment, boss resentment, secure self challenge, self worth, self compassion, self care, self respect, self trust, setting boundaries, articulating needs, conflict avoidance, internal frustration, powerlessness, victimhood, harbouring resentment, communication in relationships, addressing resentment, relational context, reflecting on resentment, empowerment in relationships, codependency, controlling behaviour, mental well-being, emotional health, relationship dynamics.