#104 The Importance of Separateness in Relationship
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
We’ll cover:
Wanting to close the gap and be closer
Advice for how to reset and nurture separateness
Things to do to focus on your own self-trust and security
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about the importance of separateness in relationship. So again, for people who tend more towards anxious attachment, separateness is a big part of the growing that we do on the path to greater security. And figuring out where that balance lies of togetherness and separateness can be really, really liberating and can allow you to access much more peace and internal security in your relationship in a way that allows you to really trust that you're okay on your own. As I've talked about so many times before on the show, it's really easy to have the story and the belief that you need your partner in order to be okay and that anything that threatens the connection or the relationship feels incredibly distressing and leads to all of those anxious attachment. Typical behaviours of how do I close the gap, how do I get us back into connection, because anything other than that sends me spiralling.
[00:01:35]:
And of course, you don't need me to tell you that that's a really challenging way to live. I know that you know that. And so I think one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to cultivate greater confidence around separateness while in relationships. So being really comfortable in yourself and having a clearly differentiated sense of self and cultivating more of a practise around being alone and doing things by yourself so that you can really stand on your own 2ft and feel like you are in your relationship from a place of choice rather than a place of need and desperation. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this today, including some sharings of my own experience with this, which is ongoing, but something that I found to be really, really fruitful and really a positive impact on my relationship in more consciously and deliberately choosing space and separateness as a way to actually foster greater intimacy. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just sharing the featured review for today. This was quite a long one, so I'm going to snip it a little.
[00:02:49]:
Thanks Stephanie, for the enlightening and safe service you provide to help guide us through new and old territory. I'm so glad that I found your show at a time when I'm navigating new terrain with a new kit bag of tools that gives me insights to understand myself in challenging yet sensitive ways. Thanks for giving so honestly and intuitively. It's like you're following my new relationship life from afar. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so honoured to hear that it's been such a source of safety and support for you. And if you want to send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, if that was your review, my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses. Okay, so let's talk about separateness in relationship.
[00:03:30]:
Now, as I alluded to in the introduction, for most of us who tend towards more anxious patterns our default is to avoid separateness to gravitate towards closeness, the closer the better and wanting that proximity as much of the time as possible without veering too much off topic. You may have heard me say before that this makes a lot of sense in the context of the anxious attachment, origin story and blueprint which is I feel really, really good and safe when we're connected. But I can't trust in the reliability of you being there when I need you. And so I cling to you and don't want to let go because I don't know that if we're apart that we will be able to come back together when I need you. And so the anxiously attached person has this aversion to time apart, to separateness, to space in relationship and a strong preference for togetherness and particularly in any sort of stress. The overwhelming urge will be how do I close the gap? How do I seek proximity and how do I reestablish safety for myself via being connected to you? And of course, there's an element of very primal human drive in that that's not in and of itself a problem to be solved, but it can be taken to extremes. And again, you don't need me to tell you that being completely reliant on connection with someone and needing to be with them all the time in order to feel safe can be really stressful and vulnerable. Not in the way that we really want, not the type of vulnerability that we're trying to foster more, the vulnerability of powerlessness and feeling very out of control, feeling like we are at the mercy of someone else to determine whether or not we can feel okay on a moment to moment basis.
[00:05:30]:
So a huge part of the work in cultivating greater security as someone with anxious attachment patterns is figuring out how to have this differentiated sense of self going what if this is me? And what if this is you? And what if this is us? And knowing where those lines fall and actually being really comfortable in selfhood, in going yeah, here are my values, here are my needs, here are my preferences, here are my opinions, here is who I am as distinct from you. And being really comfortable in holding that and being with that and advocating for yourself from that really grounded place, that is such a big part of it. And that's why I speak so much about self worth and self trust and self respect. It's all self centred, quite literally, because for the anxiously attached person there is such a disconnection from self. And so that is where a lot of the rebuilding work has to happen first and foremost. And so this concept of separateness I think that when things are hard in relationship and today's topic is really I suppose it's broad advice but it's particularly useful when things are feeling strained in your relationship. And that's really the area for me where I have put this into practise and seen really great ripple effect for my relationship is think when we are in a long term relationship we can get really cosy. And that's something that's very beautiful about long term relationships, is that they get safe and they get comfortable and at the same time, we can just be really in each other's physical space, in each other's emotional space, in each other's energetic space in a way where we just start to feel really blended and enmeshed with each other.
[00:07:22]:
And again, while there's some beautiful cosy aspects to that, it can also feel a bit stuffy sometimes. And when we add to that any sort of stress or strain, if we have relationship challenges that we're actively working through and the domain of the relationship feels bogged down in the heaviness of that maybe you've got recurring conflicts or areas that you're trying to improve and you just feel like you're having the same conversation over and over and over again. And it's just like the whole tone of the relationship gets really weighed down by all of that. For the anxiously attached person, the impulse is in those times of stress and strain to get even closer. Right? And I get that that's my impulse as well. But what I've actually found and the advice that I've since given to a lot of other people who've similarly found this to be very liberating and effective is to fight that impulse to go further in and actually do the opposite. So when things feel really heavy in the relationship, can you actually infuse some separateness? Can you oxygenate the relationship and see what happens from that place? Because I think it can be a really powerful reset at a time when we're otherwise just like all in each other's space and energy and the claws are in and we're really bogged down and it just feels really heavy. So what might separateness look like now? Of course there's extremes of taking time and space apart, taking a break.
[00:08:59]:
That's not really what I'm talking about here. Although that may be what you choose to do and that may be fruitful for you. I said that I'd share a bit about my experience with this. So earlier in the year, my partner and I were I wouldn't say going through a rough patch, but we were working through some stuff, and it felt heavy at times, and it felt like we were dragging ourselves back. To the dining table every couple of days to have these big, heavy, emotional conversations in a way that just really felt like it wasn't really connected in a way that felt nourishing, it was like we were connected through this pain that we were working through. And what I noticed for myself in that is that when things are hard, I just become obsessive about it, and I devote so much time and energy to thinking about what my partner's doing wrong or what he needs to be doing differently or all of the pros and cons of the situation. And it becomes all consuming in a way that, for me at least, I don't think is helpful because it's just like, it occupies so much space within me that it becomes magnified. Right.
[00:10:08]:
The issue itself just becomes like, oh, this is global, and it's catastrophic, and it's urgent, and I've got to find a solution, and from that place, I can get very controlling and get very just really stressed. And so what I decided to do for myself was to kind of just let go. And again, this is not natural, right? It's not easy if you have anxious attachment patterns that tell you that's the last thing you need to be doing when things are hard, that's when you need to amp up your controllingness and make sure that you can steer the situation in the direction that you want it to go. But what I did was the opposite of that. It was like, okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop pulling you up on this thing. I'm going to stop hovering over you and making sure that you're doing what you said you were going to do and being accountable and stop dragging you into these big conversations. I'm actually just going to focus on me.
[00:11:05]:
Okay, so what do I need? What does thriving and well being look and feel like for me at this point in my life? And how can I really invest in that? Because the more that I devote this energy into trying to fix my partner, fix my relationship, control, it really takes me away from that, and it subtly reinforces the message that that's how I create safety for myself, that being okay is something that I derive from my relationship being a certain way. And that's not again, it's not a very empowering place to be. It's actually very disempowering because it's like kind of banging my head up against a brick wall and then becoming frustrated and blaming my partner and all of that stuff. Right. I'm sure we've all been there in various expressions in various ways. So practically, what did this look like for me? I booked a trip, which I'm going on in a couple of weeks. I'm going to a retreat in Europe on my own. My partner also booked and went on a retreat by himself to the States.
[00:12:11]:
And I started focusing on all of these other things, like, what can I be doing to take care of myself, to nourish myself in a way that is not about controlling my partner or trying to fix and problem solve my relationship. So really focusing on exercise and health and healthy habits and just really, how can I go all in on myself in this period of time, in this period of my life when things feel hard and trusting that from that place there's really nothing bad that can come of that, right? Again, it's not the impulse. The impulse is to focus on the other person. But the real medicine is often in focusing on ourselves and going all in on ourselves. Because not only does that take some of the heavy energy away from the relationship and alleviate some of that burden that's in the relational sphere, but it'll never be a bad outcome from really backing yourself and taking care of yourself. Because even if things don't get better in your relationship, how much better off are you for having invested that time and energy in yourself? You're much more likely to then be able to stand on your own 2ft and go, you know what? No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. Because look at this really rich and beautiful life that I've cultivated. And that's not to say that this is a stepping stone to your relationship ending.
[00:13:30]:
That's not the objective and it's certainly not my personal experience. My partner and I are still very much together, but it has lightened things a lot and it has allowed us to really appreciate each other more because we're more deliberately creating lives that aren't completely enmeshed. So giving ourselves more opportunity to do things separately, to have separate interests, to take trips separately, all of those things. It's like, oh, we're giving each other an opportunity to miss each other. Creating that oxygen in the relationship and also being reminded of why we love each other and why we're choosing each other is I think that I was saying this to a client just yesterday. It's like if the only thing keeping the relationship intact is control and gripping and that really heavy, bogged down energy of like, we just have to keep working at this no matter what, in a way that feels really like sinking your claws in. That's not really a nice energy to be in relationship from. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be in relationship as two people who have a sense of wholeness and integrity and are actively choosing each other.
[00:14:45]:
Not from a place of frantic, desperate need, but from a place of really grounded, embodied, loving openness, of I love you. I'm here because I want to be here and not because I'm terrified of the alternative. And I think that cultivating separateness is a beautiful way to reach that point. And if it doesn't go that way, if you have more space in the relationship and you feel like that leads to the relationship changing or ending, that's okay too. Because that's just revealing the truth. Of what was there. And that's, I would say, the best outcome to realise that in that space and separateness, that maybe it wasn't working or it wasn't what you wanted. That truth already exists.
[00:15:29]:
It's just obscured by all of the stress and the fear at the moment. So if that's where you land in having this separateness, then so be it, right? That's probably a liberating truth to really land upon. So I hope that this has given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, it's, as I said, the opposite of what you want, but it's a really, really beautiful practise and it's something that you can play with in really minor ways. As I said, you don't have to take a break, you don't have to be really drastic, but just bringing even some more awareness to it. How much separateness do I have in my relationship? Or have I just become fused with my partner in a way that, of course I feel completely dependent on them and terrified of not having them if I've come to navigate my entire identity via them and us. So having a clearly demarcated sense of self and a deep self trust of, like, I have the capacity to create a beautiful life no matter what's going on in my relationship, whether I'm in this relationship or not. Of course I can love my partner and I can choose to be in my relationship and commit to that, but it's not my lifeline, it's not this sense of panic and terror at the idea of not being in my relationship.
[00:16:45]:
Because, again, that is a really reliable way to self abandon. And to lose yourself in partnership is to feel like, if I'm not with you, I'll die. And that can be the underlying script of a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, grateful if you can leave a review or a rating, share it with someone who you think might enjoy it or benefit from it. All of that really helps so much and I'm so grateful for you. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:17:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or it's Stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
#103 How to Help a Partner Struggling with their Mental Health
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
We’ll cover:
Monitoring your “fixing” the situation
Ways to support someone and yourself
How you can be a balanced supportive person
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener’s question of how to support a partner who's struggling with their mental health. So I think that given the prevalence of mental health challenges, there's a good chance that all of us will encounter this situation in some form at some point in our lives, if we haven't already having to be the support person for someone that we really care about. And I should say at the outset, this listener question was in the context of a romantic relationship. But most of what I'm going to share today could be applied to any relationship, whether that's a friend, a family member or someone else.
[00:01:08]:
But most all of us will be confronted with the situation of having someone that we care about who's going through a hard time and having to navigate all of the conflicting feelings and boundary struggles and the push pulls that can come with that. Because, spoiler alert, that can be a really complicated emotional terrain to try and navigate. We can feel immense worry and concern and care and really want to be able to help someone, but maybe also feel frustrated by them not taking the steps that we think that they should be taking or them not making progress at the rate that we would like. Wondering whether we should be holding out hope for things to change. Juggling wanting to be sensitive to the ways in which they're struggling against the very real impact that's having on us and concerns that we have in that department. There is a lot of really conflicting stuff that goes into that kind of dynamic. And while today's episode is not going to give you the solution or give you total clarity over what to do, if that's a situation that you find yourself in, I'm hoping that the discussion will at least give you some markers. Things to look out for, things to be aware of, and maybe some permission slips in terms of how you can care for yourself in that dynamic and how you might navigate setting boundaries with someone who you care about but who's going through a hard time.
[00:02:39]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share today's featured review, which is longtime listener, first time reviewer. I've been listening for over a year now, and I've shared with friends, family members and partners alike. I've also begun re listening to old episodes when I find myself repeating unpleasant patterns. This podcast has dramatically influenced my approach to relationships for the better, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you for that beautiful review and for your longtime support. I really appreciate it so much and I'm glad that the podcast has been a supportive resource for you throughout the past year, but throughout different seasons and different relationships, I really do appreciate it so much.
[00:03:20]:
So if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierieg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you, I should say my Building Trust Masterclass, which I held last week, is now available for purchase on my website, The Recording. And so whoever's review gets read out, you can choose from that, in addition to my other three Masterclasses that are available. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how to support someone who's struggling with their mental health. And I do want to just frame the discussion with a few disclaimers, as I am known to do, but I think for something that is delicate like this, it's important to get clearer around what we are talking about and what we're not talking about. And what I'm not talking about today is any specific diagnosable mental health condition that's outside the scope of my work and it's not my area of expertise. So please know that I'm not giving specific advice around how to manage someone with X condition. And really the focus of what I'm going to be sharing today is not on them, but on you. Because as much as we can hold the intention of how can I best support someone, I think it's really, really important to make sure that you are best supporting yourself and not losing yourself to that dynamic.
[00:04:41]:
And this is particularly so if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment patterns because you probably don't need me to tell you that your default mode, your starting position is to forget yourself and to really orbit around someone else's needs. And that can go into overdrive. When the person that you care about, the person that you love, is in need and is suffering, that can really activate a lot of your fears, a lot of your patterns and wiring around. Caretaking not only from the point of view of really wanting to help someone, but also because it can feel really destabilising for the person that you are in an intimate relationship with, who you rely upon, who you depend on to be unwell and to be struggling. Because that will most often take you out of connection in some way. And it can feel like for as long as they are in that state, your relationship is threatened in some way or is impacted and that makes them unavailable to you as a supportive present partner. So it is really challenging, undeniably. As I said, I think we will all experience this at one point or another and of course, to varying degrees, again, as I alluded to when I'm giving disclaimers around this.
[00:06:02]:
There's a huge spectrum of mental illness or mental health challenges and that can vary in severity by a huge margin. So I think the overarching message that I want to give someone who's saying, how can I support my partner who's struggling with their mental health, I think you have to get really clear around the allocation of responsibility, and this is true for relationships more broadly and figuring out what healthy interdependency looks like. But I think that having clarity around what is within my control and what is appropriately mine to be responsible for and what sits outside of that ambit of control and responsibility. Because, again, when we're worried about someone else that we care about and we're worried about the impact that that has on us, it's really easy to overstep that line and to try and fix it again, it's not something to be ashamed of, I'm very guilty of this. It's something that I still have to monitor in myself, because not only all of my skill set, my personality, my attachment patterns, but also my family system has really conditioned me into being the fixer and the one who goes and takes care and kind of launches in when someone's in need or someone's struggling. And how do I make that better for them? But I also recognise what that has cost me throughout my life, to be in that self appointed role of making everyone's pain go away. It's a really easy way to lose yourself and I think underneath that, there can be a real sense of resentment or unfairness or injustice, because we end up feeling like, who's going to care for me? What about me? And I've certainly had that internal dialogue when I've been in that carer role in my relationships. It's like I spend so much time focusing on you and how I'm going to make you better and stabilise you, and there's a part of me that's terrified and lonely and worried of who's going to be that for me.
[00:08:06]:
So I think that recognising as a first port of call, the importance of figuring out what you are responsible for, which is you and the way that you show up and how you take care of yourself in that dynamic, your own boundaries, I think that's a really important first step. And it's not going to be easy because, as I said, every urge within you, if you tend more towards anxious patterns of caretaking and managing other people and their emotions, will be telling you to roll up your sleeves and get in there and fix it. But that comes at a cost. So I think having some clarity around that and practically speaking, I think what that can look like is it's not a pendulum swing to the other extreme of not being caring, not being helpful, not being supportive, not being available and leaving someone to their own devices and saying, this is not my problem. Again, that tends to be bouncing between extremes and that's not what we're trying to do here. But I think saying something along the lines of I can see that you're really struggling and that makes me really sad or It really hurts me to see you like this, please let me know how I can support you, full stop. I think that most of us go how can I support you? And then someone says I'm fine. And we go no you're not.
[00:09:21]:
And we keep pushing and pushing and pushing. We don't really accept someone's limits as they've been articulated to us because we think we know better. And even if we do know better, even if our way might be healthier or more adaptive or whatever, I think it's a slippery slope to go down to bypass someone's what someone is telling us about whether they want our help and kind of barge through and try and help them indirectly or influence them indirectly or change them. Fix them, solve their problems. Usually that won't be welcome and then we'll be frustrated that they're not grateful for the help that they didn't want. So I think that that's kind of step one is like figure out what a balanced version of being a supportive partner, friend, family member, whatever situation you're looking at. What is a boundaried way of being available and supportive without rushing in and being the crisis emergency response person who just tries to fix everyone's problems and makes that your responsibility. The second one, which is also really around boundaries and taking care of yourself and this is where it gets really tricky.
[00:10:37]:
If someone's behaviour arising from whatever mental health struggles they're experiencing is unsafe in any way or is hurtful harmful, causes you pain. And again, please to be clear, I'm not talking about abusive situations. That is again outside the scope of my work. And if you are in that situation, I really encourage you to seek appropriate support. But short of that, if someone is just really disengaged, lacking in presence, unable to offer any connection or support or interest or presence, they're just not really being in a relationship that goes both ways. I think that there are conversations that need to be had around what you need in order for the relationship to feel viable and sustainable. And this brings up a lot of stuff, right when I was speaking about it in the introduction, those conflicting feelings of guilt but also resentment. I feel bad that I'm really unhappy in this relationship because I can see you're genuinely having a hard time.
[00:11:47]:
But equally, I can't just be in a relationship that's totally one sided with someone who's not really there in perpetuity, with no end in sight. And those are really challenging feelings to be with and to own. So I think that the original question that was asked had a follow up which was my partner won't go to therapy, how do I help them? How do I make them go to therapy? How do I make them do something? And I think that's where we can start to say to someone and I've said this to my partner, my current partner is like, I love you. I'm in this. And there are certain things that really don't work for me that I really need to know you're taking seriously and that you're working on so that I can trust that we're on a certain trajectory and that these recurring challenges that arise in our relationship from your mental health struggles, your anxiety, your struggles with managing stress. If you don't do anything about that, nothing's going to change. Of course. Right.
[00:12:58]:
I think that's just trite to say that if we're having struggles in any area of life and we're not changing any inputs to the system, it is irrational to expect any changes to the outputs, changes to our experience. So I've said that to my partner. It's not a threat, it's not an ultimatum, but it's just saying in order for me to feel comfortable continuing in this relationship, I need to have some assurance of what you are doing to support yourself in these areas where your struggles impact our relationship in a way that doesn't really work for me. And so being able to have those direct and frank conversations that are really framed in love and care, it's not hanging someone out in the cold. It's just saying, like, this is what's true. I love you, and I'm here to support you in any way I can, but here's what I need in return. And I think what that conversation looks like will again vary. There are a million different contextual factors that will determine what that conversation looks like.
[00:14:01]:
If you've been together for two months, it's going to look very different to if you've been together for ten years, if someone's having a depressive episode for a few weeks, versus if there's been real prolonged, extended, severe mental health struggles if someone is medicating, there are so many variables. So of course, everything that I'm saying is very much principles rather than directives that will be applicable to every situation and every variation on this. But really having those clear boundaries for yourself around what I'm responsible for and what I can control and what I can't, and then having clarity on what would allow me to feel comfortable that this is being managed in a way that I can feel safe and they kind of go hand in hand again. In my own relationship, my ability to not take responsibility for what my partner has struggled with, that was facilitated by knowing that he was getting help elsewhere. So it's like, okay, if you're going to therapy, then I don't feel like I need to step in and be your proxy therapist. If you've got a group or you've got a this or that, like if you've got support systems and you're being proactive about managing whatever it is that you're experiencing that gives me the comfort of things are happening. And it's not my responsibility to monitor that. It's not my responsibility to micromanage that.
[00:15:29]:
I don't need to take control. I don't need to take responsibility because I can trust that you are serious about this and you have the self awareness and the recognition and you are taking those steps to support yourself. And I think that really creates the safety of, okay, I can step back, I can focus on, I can stay in my lane a bit more without having to step into yours and try and take the reins because I don't trust in your capacity. So I hope that's been helpful just to give you something to think about again. I know I've said it ten times already in this short episode, but this is not going to apply to everyone, or at least you'll need to adapt this to your specific situation. But I hope that those principles have given you something to think about. And I think that those really will and should apply across the board these principles of figuring out where an appropriate allocation of responsibility sits in a way that allows you to really take care of yourself and prioritise your well being, not overstep and not get into that controlling micromanaging mode, which ultimately tends not to work because you just feel like a failure if things don't go your way and the other person feels like a failure because they feel like they're disappointing you and letting you down and also setting those boundaries for yourself. So what would I need in order for this to feel safe and sustainable for me? What would progress look like? What would support look like in a way that I can get comfortable with in order to continue in this relationship, notwithstanding the struggles that you're having.
[00:17:04]:
And also the corollary of that is ensuring that any behaviours that are harmful are really clearly there are very clear boundaries set around those in a way that doesn't allow them to continue despite the underlying challenges that the person might be having. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, so grateful. If you can leave a review or a five-star rating, depending on where you're listening, it all adds up and is very, very helpful and I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.