#104 The Importance of Separateness in Relationship
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
We’ll cover:
Wanting to close the gap and be closer
Advice for how to reset and nurture separateness
Things to do to focus on your own self-trust and security
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about the importance of separateness in relationship. So again, for people who tend more towards anxious attachment, separateness is a big part of the growing that we do on the path to greater security. And figuring out where that balance lies of togetherness and separateness can be really, really liberating and can allow you to access much more peace and internal security in your relationship in a way that allows you to really trust that you're okay on your own. As I've talked about so many times before on the show, it's really easy to have the story and the belief that you need your partner in order to be okay and that anything that threatens the connection or the relationship feels incredibly distressing and leads to all of those anxious attachment. Typical behaviours of how do I close the gap, how do I get us back into connection, because anything other than that sends me spiralling.
[00:01:35]:
And of course, you don't need me to tell you that that's a really challenging way to live. I know that you know that. And so I think one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to cultivate greater confidence around separateness while in relationships. So being really comfortable in yourself and having a clearly differentiated sense of self and cultivating more of a practise around being alone and doing things by yourself so that you can really stand on your own 2ft and feel like you are in your relationship from a place of choice rather than a place of need and desperation. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this today, including some sharings of my own experience with this, which is ongoing, but something that I found to be really, really fruitful and really a positive impact on my relationship in more consciously and deliberately choosing space and separateness as a way to actually foster greater intimacy. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just sharing the featured review for today. This was quite a long one, so I'm going to snip it a little.
[00:02:49]:
Thanks Stephanie, for the enlightening and safe service you provide to help guide us through new and old territory. I'm so glad that I found your show at a time when I'm navigating new terrain with a new kit bag of tools that gives me insights to understand myself in challenging yet sensitive ways. Thanks for giving so honestly and intuitively. It's like you're following my new relationship life from afar. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so honoured to hear that it's been such a source of safety and support for you. And if you want to send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, if that was your review, my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses. Okay, so let's talk about separateness in relationship.
[00:03:30]:
Now, as I alluded to in the introduction, for most of us who tend towards more anxious patterns our default is to avoid separateness to gravitate towards closeness, the closer the better and wanting that proximity as much of the time as possible without veering too much off topic. You may have heard me say before that this makes a lot of sense in the context of the anxious attachment, origin story and blueprint which is I feel really, really good and safe when we're connected. But I can't trust in the reliability of you being there when I need you. And so I cling to you and don't want to let go because I don't know that if we're apart that we will be able to come back together when I need you. And so the anxiously attached person has this aversion to time apart, to separateness, to space in relationship and a strong preference for togetherness and particularly in any sort of stress. The overwhelming urge will be how do I close the gap? How do I seek proximity and how do I reestablish safety for myself via being connected to you? And of course, there's an element of very primal human drive in that that's not in and of itself a problem to be solved, but it can be taken to extremes. And again, you don't need me to tell you that being completely reliant on connection with someone and needing to be with them all the time in order to feel safe can be really stressful and vulnerable. Not in the way that we really want, not the type of vulnerability that we're trying to foster more, the vulnerability of powerlessness and feeling very out of control, feeling like we are at the mercy of someone else to determine whether or not we can feel okay on a moment to moment basis.
[00:05:30]:
So a huge part of the work in cultivating greater security as someone with anxious attachment patterns is figuring out how to have this differentiated sense of self going what if this is me? And what if this is you? And what if this is us? And knowing where those lines fall and actually being really comfortable in selfhood, in going yeah, here are my values, here are my needs, here are my preferences, here are my opinions, here is who I am as distinct from you. And being really comfortable in holding that and being with that and advocating for yourself from that really grounded place, that is such a big part of it. And that's why I speak so much about self worth and self trust and self respect. It's all self centred, quite literally, because for the anxiously attached person there is such a disconnection from self. And so that is where a lot of the rebuilding work has to happen first and foremost. And so this concept of separateness I think that when things are hard in relationship and today's topic is really I suppose it's broad advice but it's particularly useful when things are feeling strained in your relationship. And that's really the area for me where I have put this into practise and seen really great ripple effect for my relationship is think when we are in a long term relationship we can get really cosy. And that's something that's very beautiful about long term relationships, is that they get safe and they get comfortable and at the same time, we can just be really in each other's physical space, in each other's emotional space, in each other's energetic space in a way where we just start to feel really blended and enmeshed with each other.
[00:07:22]:
And again, while there's some beautiful cosy aspects to that, it can also feel a bit stuffy sometimes. And when we add to that any sort of stress or strain, if we have relationship challenges that we're actively working through and the domain of the relationship feels bogged down in the heaviness of that maybe you've got recurring conflicts or areas that you're trying to improve and you just feel like you're having the same conversation over and over and over again. And it's just like the whole tone of the relationship gets really weighed down by all of that. For the anxiously attached person, the impulse is in those times of stress and strain to get even closer. Right? And I get that that's my impulse as well. But what I've actually found and the advice that I've since given to a lot of other people who've similarly found this to be very liberating and effective is to fight that impulse to go further in and actually do the opposite. So when things feel really heavy in the relationship, can you actually infuse some separateness? Can you oxygenate the relationship and see what happens from that place? Because I think it can be a really powerful reset at a time when we're otherwise just like all in each other's space and energy and the claws are in and we're really bogged down and it just feels really heavy. So what might separateness look like now? Of course there's extremes of taking time and space apart, taking a break.
[00:08:59]:
That's not really what I'm talking about here. Although that may be what you choose to do and that may be fruitful for you. I said that I'd share a bit about my experience with this. So earlier in the year, my partner and I were I wouldn't say going through a rough patch, but we were working through some stuff, and it felt heavy at times, and it felt like we were dragging ourselves back. To the dining table every couple of days to have these big, heavy, emotional conversations in a way that just really felt like it wasn't really connected in a way that felt nourishing, it was like we were connected through this pain that we were working through. And what I noticed for myself in that is that when things are hard, I just become obsessive about it, and I devote so much time and energy to thinking about what my partner's doing wrong or what he needs to be doing differently or all of the pros and cons of the situation. And it becomes all consuming in a way that, for me at least, I don't think is helpful because it's just like, it occupies so much space within me that it becomes magnified. Right.
[00:10:08]:
The issue itself just becomes like, oh, this is global, and it's catastrophic, and it's urgent, and I've got to find a solution, and from that place, I can get very controlling and get very just really stressed. And so what I decided to do for myself was to kind of just let go. And again, this is not natural, right? It's not easy if you have anxious attachment patterns that tell you that's the last thing you need to be doing when things are hard, that's when you need to amp up your controllingness and make sure that you can steer the situation in the direction that you want it to go. But what I did was the opposite of that. It was like, okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop pulling you up on this thing. I'm going to stop hovering over you and making sure that you're doing what you said you were going to do and being accountable and stop dragging you into these big conversations. I'm actually just going to focus on me.
[00:11:05]:
Okay, so what do I need? What does thriving and well being look and feel like for me at this point in my life? And how can I really invest in that? Because the more that I devote this energy into trying to fix my partner, fix my relationship, control, it really takes me away from that, and it subtly reinforces the message that that's how I create safety for myself, that being okay is something that I derive from my relationship being a certain way. And that's not again, it's not a very empowering place to be. It's actually very disempowering because it's like kind of banging my head up against a brick wall and then becoming frustrated and blaming my partner and all of that stuff. Right. I'm sure we've all been there in various expressions in various ways. So practically, what did this look like for me? I booked a trip, which I'm going on in a couple of weeks. I'm going to a retreat in Europe on my own. My partner also booked and went on a retreat by himself to the States.
[00:12:11]:
And I started focusing on all of these other things, like, what can I be doing to take care of myself, to nourish myself in a way that is not about controlling my partner or trying to fix and problem solve my relationship. So really focusing on exercise and health and healthy habits and just really, how can I go all in on myself in this period of time, in this period of my life when things feel hard and trusting that from that place there's really nothing bad that can come of that, right? Again, it's not the impulse. The impulse is to focus on the other person. But the real medicine is often in focusing on ourselves and going all in on ourselves. Because not only does that take some of the heavy energy away from the relationship and alleviate some of that burden that's in the relational sphere, but it'll never be a bad outcome from really backing yourself and taking care of yourself. Because even if things don't get better in your relationship, how much better off are you for having invested that time and energy in yourself? You're much more likely to then be able to stand on your own 2ft and go, you know what? No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. Because look at this really rich and beautiful life that I've cultivated. And that's not to say that this is a stepping stone to your relationship ending.
[00:13:30]:
That's not the objective and it's certainly not my personal experience. My partner and I are still very much together, but it has lightened things a lot and it has allowed us to really appreciate each other more because we're more deliberately creating lives that aren't completely enmeshed. So giving ourselves more opportunity to do things separately, to have separate interests, to take trips separately, all of those things. It's like, oh, we're giving each other an opportunity to miss each other. Creating that oxygen in the relationship and also being reminded of why we love each other and why we're choosing each other is I think that I was saying this to a client just yesterday. It's like if the only thing keeping the relationship intact is control and gripping and that really heavy, bogged down energy of like, we just have to keep working at this no matter what, in a way that feels really like sinking your claws in. That's not really a nice energy to be in relationship from. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be in relationship as two people who have a sense of wholeness and integrity and are actively choosing each other.
[00:14:45]:
Not from a place of frantic, desperate need, but from a place of really grounded, embodied, loving openness, of I love you. I'm here because I want to be here and not because I'm terrified of the alternative. And I think that cultivating separateness is a beautiful way to reach that point. And if it doesn't go that way, if you have more space in the relationship and you feel like that leads to the relationship changing or ending, that's okay too. Because that's just revealing the truth. Of what was there. And that's, I would say, the best outcome to realise that in that space and separateness, that maybe it wasn't working or it wasn't what you wanted. That truth already exists.
[00:15:29]:
It's just obscured by all of the stress and the fear at the moment. So if that's where you land in having this separateness, then so be it, right? That's probably a liberating truth to really land upon. So I hope that this has given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, it's, as I said, the opposite of what you want, but it's a really, really beautiful practise and it's something that you can play with in really minor ways. As I said, you don't have to take a break, you don't have to be really drastic, but just bringing even some more awareness to it. How much separateness do I have in my relationship? Or have I just become fused with my partner in a way that, of course I feel completely dependent on them and terrified of not having them if I've come to navigate my entire identity via them and us. So having a clearly demarcated sense of self and a deep self trust of, like, I have the capacity to create a beautiful life no matter what's going on in my relationship, whether I'm in this relationship or not. Of course I can love my partner and I can choose to be in my relationship and commit to that, but it's not my lifeline, it's not this sense of panic and terror at the idea of not being in my relationship.
[00:16:45]:
Because, again, that is a really reliable way to self abandon. And to lose yourself in partnership is to feel like, if I'm not with you, I'll die. And that can be the underlying script of a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, grateful if you can leave a review or a rating, share it with someone who you think might enjoy it or benefit from it. All of that really helps so much and I'm so grateful for you. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:17:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or it's Stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.