#91 Navigating Boundaries with an Ex

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Ever been caught in that tricky situation of setting boundaries with an ex? Navigating this territory can be a daunting task, especially when co-parenting or shared responsibilities are at play. We promise to equip you with strategies for establishing firm boundaries and prioritising your well-being during this intricate process. Join me, Stephanie Rigg, as we explore a roadmap to conquering insecurities and fostering emotional maturity when interacting with an ex.

As we move deeper into the episode, we discuss the paramount importance of self-care when dealing with an ex. It's not just about setting boundaries; it's about setting up your mind and emotions for success. Discover how to handle emotions that may surface during interactions with an ex, and how to break free from unhealthy dynamics. Learn the art of peaceful co-existence as we provide you with tools to rebuild self-trust and look after your mental health and wellbeing. Stay tuned, and by the end of our exploration, you will be equipped to maintain healthy boundaries and navigate difficult relationships with confidence.

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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Episode Transcript

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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about navigating boundaries with an ex. So I think that it's fair to say boundaries as a general topic, an area of relationships, something that a lot of people find really challenging.

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I think a lot of us are unaccustomed to advocating for ourselves in a way that feels balanced and confident, while also not turning into a tyrant and dictating to everyone around us how they have to behave. And you would have heard me say before, I think boundaries is one of those areas where people tend to experience a pretty pronounced pendulum swing when they go from never having heard of what a boundary was or never having set one before. And it being a really foreign concept to encountering this body of work and swinging to the other extreme of laying down the law with any and every person that they have any sort of relationship with. And as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle when it comes to boundaries. And I've got many other episodes around boundaries and I've got a master class all about boundaries.

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So as a general topic, there's a lot to speak to with boundaries, but specifically in today's episode, we're going to be looking at the topic of boundaries as applied to relationships with an ex. So I think in some situations it's complicated due to structural factors. I know I get a lot of messages from people who may be co parent with an ex where there's been a divorce, or still cohabitate with an ex, or share a pet or work together. Any number of other things that make it hard to have a clean break and have really very defined boundaries that allow you to emotionally disentangle yourselves from one another and move on with your lives. While that might be the ideal, I recognise that it's not always possible.

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And so today I'm going to be talking to some specific situations. So first I'll be unpacking why it can feel challenging to set those boundaries with an X. And then I'm going to give a few different examples of how I would navigate boundaries in specific circumstances with an X. So hopefully that will give you lots to work with and lots to adapt and apply to your own situations to the extent that this might be relevant to you. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.

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The first being you might have heard me mention in the last couple of episodes that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, is coming up again soon, towards the end of the month. I'm going to be reopening the programme and you can sign up for the waitlist via the link in the show notes, which will allow you to be notified when doors open, but also save $100 on the sign up price and access that exclusive early bird pricing. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you enjoy what I do on the podcast, and you'd like to dive into my work in a way that really gives you a very comprehensive, deep dive into your experience of anxious attachment as well as the tools to cultivate a secure attachment and secure relationship both within yourself and with the people in your life. Healing anxious attachment is a really wonderful option. So definitely jump on the waitlist if you're not already.

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I think there's already almost 1000 people on the waitlist, which is pretty amazing, but definitely join that if you're keen to secure your place when doors open at the end of the month. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is no matter if you're avoidant anxious or other, if you're open to growth, this is such an amazing thing to listen to. Stephanie speaks so kindly and in such a supportive way and gives such amazing observations and guidance. I can't recommend it enough. I've been working on my self growth a lot in my life lately and this podcast has been a huge catalyst in my growth.

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Thank you so much. I'm so touched by those words and I really, really appreciate being part of your journey. That's really lovely to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around boundaries with an ex.

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Now, as I said, boundaries are really challenging for a lot of us. A lot of us are accustomed to putting other people first, right? To caretaking, other people's comfort, to prioritising other people's emotions. And so the idea of taking action that is in our best interests, that might have an adverse impact on someone else, can feel very, very edgy. It can feel like it's flying in the face of everything that we've ever known to be true about relationships and about what it means to be liked, accepted, loved, approved of.

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For those of us who rely on people pleasing or that compulsive need to be liked and to control how we're perceived by other people, the idea of setting a boundary that might mean someone else is hurt or inconvenienced or upset or disappointed in us, it feels really hard. As I said, I think boundaries with an ex represent a very unique situation because there's a lot of stuff wrapped up in it. So whereas boundaries in a primary relationship, so we'll stick to romantic relationships for the sake of this conversation, whereas boundaries in a primary relationship really require us to find mutually workable solutions. So again, I think this is one of those areas where people kind of misunderstand the point of boundaries. People think that it's about me telling you how to behave with respect to me and if you don't, there will be consequences and it all becomes very authoritarian a lot of the time.

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But I think really healthy boundaries allow us to find a way to be in connection with one another that honours both of our limits, right? It's saying, in order for me to be in relationship with you, here's what works and here's what doesn't. And that obviously can show up in a lot of different ways and expressions. But whereas in a primary relationship there is this need for mutuality and I think the more we can convey the mutual benefit of a boundary, then not only does it become much more likely to stick, but it becomes much less intimidating to set that boundary because it really becomes an invitation into more connection rather than feeling like a wall that is going to keep someone out or push them away. When it comes to boundaries with an ex, I think there is more scope to be selfish and indeed oftentimes setting boundaries with an ex will require you to be selfish in the sense of putting your own needs squarely ahead of the needs of someone else.

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Now, one of the areas that this often comes up is in the wake of a breakup, right? In the immediate aftermath where I'll get messages from people saying, I feel really guilty, my ex is really upset and keeps messaging me or keeps calling me, and I feel so bad. I feel such a sense of guilt that I keep engaging with them because I don't want them to feel upset. And I feel like I've been the cause of that. How do I deal with this situation?

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And I think that that is an area where it's really important that you do set the boundary. Because even though in the short term it might feel like you are causing them hurt or harm by disengaging and by setting a boundary and really holding firm on it, query what you're actually doing by continuing to participate and caretake and be the emotional crutch for someone who you're no longer in a relationship with. I know that it's very hard to set that boundary and I've been in that situation before and not handled it terribly well, but ultimately it just makes it harder for both of you, right? Because provided it's not changing the outcome of the breakup, you're just kicking the cam down the road on that emotional disentanglement that needs to happen. Ultimately, you are going to have to decouple from one another sooner or later.

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And so continuing to be each other's emotional support person throughout that process where you're really tender and hurting is not really in either of your interests. So I think it's a really good example of where boundaries might feel harsh and hard, but they're actually kind ultimately, because they're honest and they really support us to take care of ourselves and they support the other person to take care of themselves in a way that is healthier and more adaptive in the long run. So really emphasising that you are allowed to do what is right for you. Insofar as boundaries with an ex are concerned, caretaking, their feelings, their emotions, stewarding them through the breakup and the aftermath of that really isn't your responsibility and frankly shouldn't be your responsibility for either of your sakes. So full permission to set boundaries with an ex that are selfish, right, that are prioritising your needs and your processing and your moving on above the processing, the needs, the emotions of your ex partner.

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Trust me when I say that it's in both of your interests for you to do that. Now, I said I was going to run through some specific circumstances where you might struggle with boundary setting with an ex and give you just some quick tips around that. So the first one here, and it's kind of in the same vein as what I was just speaking to, is a scenario where you and your ex have never really had any boundaries since breaking up. There's a lot of confusing, conflicting feelings. You still love and miss each other, but you're not in a relationship.

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So you've broken up, but you've still been in frequent contact. Maybe you've still been seeing each other. Maybe you've even still been sleeping together. So I get people asking me what do I do in this situation? How do I let go?

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And I think this is one where we need to have inner boundaries and we need to have relational boundaries. And it's one of those ones that feels really complicated but in fact is very simple. It's just hard, okay? And noticing where that distinction lies, the things that are simple but not easy, I think we'd like to tell ourselves that they're very complicated because that almost gives us an excuse not to act. Whereas if we acknowledge that it's actually quite straightforward, it's just difficult, then it's more incumbent on us to stop participating and take responsibility and do something about it.

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So I think in the scenario where you know you're not going to get back together, you know that the relationship didn't work, but you haven't had that real clean break at any point and there's just been this lagging continuity of contact and intimacy. I think that's a scenario where having a no contact period and really just committing to yourself that you're going to do that and follow through is extremely important. I've talked about self trust a lot on the show before, but I really think that nothing harms your sense of self trust like continuing to knowingly participate in dynamics that you know, deep down are really not healthy for you and yet you do it from this place of, oh, but I can't help it. I think that's a really disempowered thing and it's not really honest because you can help it. You just have to prioritise your longer term well being over your short term desires or impulses.

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And of course that takes a level of emotional maturity and capacity. But you can do that and the more that you do it. So every time you say no to meeting up, or that you don't answer the phone, or that you respond to a text saying, we're not talking and just holding the boundary rather than engaging, every time you do that, you're building that self trust muscle. So if it's that first situation of continuity of contact, you've never quite disentangled. I really, really encourage you to have a firm boundary with a clean break and a no contact period of at least three months, maybe up to six months.

0:12:39.82 → 0:13:30.17

And then if it makes sense, you can slowly start to renegotiate what a friendship might look like down the track. But you do need that time to have space from one another and to figure out what your life looks like without them being such a daily feature of it. The next situation that I want to speak to is where your ex contacts you periodically wanting to rekindle, or maybe not even in so many words. It's just like you get the occasional text from them checking in and in a way that feels kind of suggestive and like they're keeping that channel open and you find it difficult not to engage or respond. Now, I think this one really to me has a lot of like for people who are in anxious avoidant kind of relationship, I think they can fall into this one really, really easily.

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So if you are more anxious and your ex was more avoidant and they pop their head up every so often and reach out rather than just holding the boundary or seeing it for what it is, your impulse is likely to be, oh, what does this mean and what do they want? And do you think it's because they miss me or do we think it's because of that? And you probably jump on Google and you start trying to figure it out and decipher it. And the idea of not responding is like the most herculean effort imaginable because everything in your being says not only I want connection with this person that I have an attachment to, but also I want the information, I want to know what it means. And so it really, really takes a lot of self discipline to not take the bait in that situation, to not message back, to not find out what they're up to, to not find out why they're messaging you, to not try and dig deeper.

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And to the extent that they do miss you or they are reaching out for that reason, to not really relish the fact that that might be the case, to be able to just say, like, no matter what their intention is, we broke up, and we're having this period of designated space. And I know that that's for the best, and I know that that's supportive. For me to be able to actually just say that and not take debate takes a huge amount of self discipline and then that's a really important internal boundary for you to hold. But I promise you your self trust and your self respect will be so much stronger for it. So having that internal line and then to the extent that this person is persistent or is not really taking the message, I promise you that if you hold firm they will get the point.

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But when you are indirect and you tiptoe around it and you try and do it in a really sweet likeable way so that you can maintain whatever impression they have of you as being very amicable and accommodating at all times, again, that can't be the priority. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to keep yourself emotionally hygienic and clean. And if that means just holding a firm line and disengaging even if it feels abrasive, I think that ultimately that is in your best interest. And again, full permission to put yourself first when you're navigating boundaries with an ex.

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Now, the third and final situation that I want to speak to, which is a little bit more complicated as I alluded to at the start where there are these structural factors that mean you can't have a clean break with someone. So this might be where you and your ex co parent or you work together and you struggle to navigate those boundaries. This really requires us to find some sort of in between boundary whereby we're able to coexist peacefully in a way that allows us to be civil and doesn't SAP us of a lot of energy by being actively involved in dynamics that are either confusing because there's residual love and feelings there or there's a lot of animosity. I think that just declining to participate in those aspects of the relationship and keeping it pretty, not so much formal but somewhat distanced while still coexisting in whatever manner is required of you. So in the example of co parenting, if you know that there are certain triggers in that relationship, for example, someone being unreliable or hard to contact and you need to rely on them because you co parent and you need to be

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able to go between each other's houses or whatever it might be, having very clear boundaries and expectations as between you on how that arrangement is going to work and just not leaving any room for those triggers to arise and clearly stipulating ahead of time.

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For example, if I can't contact you when you're meant to be available, here is what I'm going to do with that. So having as much structure and really pragmatic, practical, pre agreed, almost like rules or governance in the relationship as a way to support yourself, to not be so emotionally open to this person in a way that is likely to pull you back into old dynamics to the extent that that is disruptive of your peace. Now, of course, if you have a really beautiful relationship with an ex and there's no kind of emotional gunk there, there's no real residue and you're able to just peacefully co parent or peacefully coexist at work or wherever else, then that is perfectly wonderful. This episode is really not to say that you need to introduce really hardcore boundaries where they're not needed. So of course, take all of this with a grain of salt and with a level of discernment.

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But to the extent that you are struggling in finding healthy boundaries with an ex in any of these situations or any other situation, my hope is that today's episode will have given you a bit of a feel for not only that permission slip to put yourself first in those situations that you are really allowed to prioritise your well being and your needs and preferences in that situation. While of course, always being kind and respectful, you're allowed to put yourself first even if it means someone else is disappointed or hurt or upset. And I hope that in giving you those situational examples, that you've got a bit more context for specifically how you might tackle those situations. So I really hope that's been helpful. As always.

0:19:16.70 → 0:19:36.38

Super grateful for anyone who could leave a rating or a review. Let me know what you thought of this episode. If you're listening on Spotify, you can leave a response just to the episode underneath, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. Super helpful for me and it really is so supportive. So I appreciate all of you being here and listening every week.

0:19:36.48 → 0:20:03.90

Otherwise, thanks so much for being here and I will see you later in the week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.

#90 Breaking the Cycle of Situationships

LISTEN: APPLE | SPOTIFY

Ever been stuck in a situationship, that in-between space where you're more than purely casual but not truly committed? In today's episode, we're diving deep into the world of situationships - the gray area between dating and being in a committed relationship. We'll explore the challenges faced by individuals in situationships, the role of attachment dynamics, and most importantly, how to break free from this cycle.

In today's modern dating landscape, situationships have become increasingly common. Individuals find themselves caught in a web of blurred lines, where accountability, responsibility, and duty often take a backseat. The anonymity provided by online dating and technology allows people to keep multiple options open and avoid taking on the commitment or labels associated with a traditional relationship.

While situationships may fall short of what people truly desire in a relationship, it's important to understand why individuals find themselves participating in these relationships even when they desire more. Many hope that they can change the other person's mind and make them fall in love, while others simply enjoy the benefits of emotional intimacy without the emotional labor of a committed relationship.

Attachment dynamics can also play a significant role in perpetuating situationships. A person with an anxious attachment style, driven by a strong desire to prove themselves and earn love, may find themselves gravitating towards hesitant partners. Unfortunately, leaning on potential rather than facing reality can lead to a destructive mindset that erodes self-worth and rarely ends in a successful, loving relationship.

Breaking Free from the Situationship Cycle

Self-Reflection and Awareness

Recognising our own role in perpetuating unhealthy dynamics is crucial. We must become aware of our own tendencies, such as being indirect or not speaking up for our needs. This self-awareness allows us to identify patterns and make conscious decisions to break free.

Clarity and Boundaries

It is essential to be clear on our own needs and boundaries. It's easy to bend the rules for someone we are interested in, but establishing non-negotiables and making decisions in line with our personal goals sets the stage for healthier relationships.

Believing Actions over Words

When someone says they are not looking for a relationship, it's important to believe them. Actions often speak louder than words, and even though it may be difficult to hear, trusting their actions will prevent us from clinging to false hopes and prolonging our own suffering.

Embracing Discomfort

Breaking the cycle requires us to be comfortable with discomfort. It may feel daunting to be direct with someone and risk losing the connection altogether. However, holding onto an approximation of a connection is ultimately a disservice to ourselves. Sometimes, the path to finding lasting love requires taking the road less traveled.

Breaking free from the cycle of situationships will not happen overnight. It requires self-reflection, awareness, and above all, the courage to prioritise our own needs and well-being. By setting clear boundaries, recognising red flags, and embracing discomfort, we can break free from the confines of situationships and pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

If you're struggling with attachment issues, remember that change is possible. Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment, where you'll learn valuable strategies to foster self-love, build healthy relationships, and break free from the patterns that have held you back.

FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:

• Download the free guide: Attachment 101

• Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment

• Visit my website

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You might also like…

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Episode Transcript

0:00:00.09 → 0:00:47.56

You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. Um hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we're going to be talking all about the dreaded situation ship. So for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, this is one of those dynamics in the dating process whereby you're kind of in a relationship but kind of not in a relationship.

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It might look and feel like a relationship, but you haven't actually progressed to that stage and so you are lingering in limbo or no man's land. And for obvious reasons that can throw up a lot of challenges, particularly if you're someone who leans more towards anxious attachment because having that degree of uncertainty and a lack of clarity around the structure of the relationship, its future, how someone feels about you, all of those things can be really, really hard. It runs counter to everything that you want and need in order to feel safe and secure in relationships. And yet, unfortunately, situationships are extremely prevalent in modern dating and it's something that a lot of people really struggle with. I know because I get so many messages from people.

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So I'm going to be talking about some of the drivers of this on both sides. Why someone might hold on to a situation and not want to commit and why you might participate in a situationship even though you really do want the relationship to be more than that. Why do we stay in these situationships that are clearly falling short of what we really want? And as you can imagine, there are plenty of attachment dynamics that we can overlay onto that that can offer us some really useful insights. Alongside that, I'm obviously going to give you hopefully some tips for how to break and shift out of that cycle if it is something that you find yourself stuck in and isn't where you want to be.

0:02:14.60 → 0:02:57.87

So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you might have heard me share late last week, that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open and the course will be relaunching in a few weeks time towards the end of July. For those who are new here, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature programme. Over 1000 people have gone through this, which is just incredible to be able to say. It's a very comprehensive programme, you get lifetime access, it's an eight week, eight modules, a couple of live calls with me and it really distils down all of the tools and knowledge that you need to cultivate a secure way of being in relationship with yourself and with other people.

0:02:57.99 → 0:03:30.39

So really breaking down all of these concepts and tools that I teach in a really systematic and structured way. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're keen to dive into my work on a deeper level, definitely join the waitlist via the link in my bio that will ensure that you get a spot in the programme at the early bird price when doors open in a few weeks time. So I will link that in the show. Notes the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is having gone through a broken engagement, I hunkered down and started a healing and growing journey. This podcast has been so eye opening and helpful.

0:03:30.44 → 0:03:54.64

I would not be where I am today without listening and seriously looking at myself without this podcast. Thank you so much for that review. I'm so glad that it's been a source of comfort and insight in a challenging period. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around situationships.

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So, as I said in the introduction, a situationship is obviously not a technical term, right? So I don't think that we could rely on any one dictionary definition of this to tell us what a situation is and to tell you if you're in one. But in my mind, it's something that's undefined, something that's falling short of a committed relationship but probably has more regular involvement and intimacy than a purely casual, unattached hookup. So the situationship is not, oh, I've been on two dates with this person and I don't know where we stand yet, and get something that's a notch above a purely casual arrangement, but it hasn't progressed to that next level. And I think another defining feature is it's probably lingering in that in between space rather than something that is just adopting a normal pace of progression and you move through that stage relatively quickly or in a pace that makes sense.

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You're kind of hanging out in that limbo for maybe it's weeks, maybe it's months. When I put this out to Instagram, asking my community there to describe and share their experience of situation. Ships some people said that they've been in situationships for years. So being in these undefined, not really sure what we're doing, but we're clearly attached and involved in some way, but without any clarity as to really what the arrangement was or where it was going. So, needless to say, being in that level of doubt and uncertainty, insofar as your relationship status and where you stand with someone is concerned, that is going to be really, really hard for most people, particularly those who lean towards anxious attachment, for whom any sort of uncertainty can be really challenging.

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So having fundamental structural uncertainty with someone who you are emotionally attached to in some way is going to bring up a lot of your stuff, right? So some of the things that you might hear in a situation shift, I think these are some other defining features, are regular enough contact and communication. So this might be someone that you're spending time with, seeing regularly, having regular contact with, they're kind of acting like your partner, but with no strings attached, so with no accountability, with no responsibility, with no real sense of duty or obligation. So you don't feel like you have any right or entitlement to rely on them or to expect anything from them because you're not dating, right? You're just seeing each other or you're just something to each other, but you're not actually in that next stage whereby you feel like you are able to ask something of them or to be upset with them or any number of other things that would go with being in a relationship.

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So someone that you're in a situation with might say things like I don't like labels or let's just see where it goes, or I'm not looking for anything serious, all the while acting like they're in a relationship with you to the extent that it benefits them, right? So it's kind of all upside and very little downside for the person who is holding out on the relationship progressing to the next level. So unfortunately, I think that modern dating has seen a rise in these situation ships alongside other unfortunate phenomena like Ghosting, because there's a lot of anonymity and very little accountability. So because we're all meeting people on dating apps and it's all happening behind screens and oftentimes separate from social groups and social settings, where it kind of takes you into the real world and makes you accountable. When all of these things are happening in private and happening via technology, it's really easy for people to have a cake and eat it too, to feel like there is always more available, so people are less likely to sign up for things that require them to take responsibility because that requires them to sacrifice something.

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And so there's this sense of not wanting to do that unless they absolutely have to. So that then begs the question of why, on the other side, if you are the person who feels stuck in a situation but doesn't want that, wants it to be more than that, why would you participate in this dynamic when it's uncomfortable and harmful and feels like a dead end? So again, I asked this to my instagram community and overwhelmingly the response that I got was I went into it hoping that I could change their mind, right? I went along with it, I agreed to participate, I bit my tongue about the things that bothered me and did so in the hope that eventually they would change their mind, that they would see how amazing I am, that they would fall in love with me, that they'd realise they can't live without me. And so their initial hesitation or their initial reservations would fall away and then we would progress into a proper, serious relationship and live happily ever after, right?

0:09:08.19 → 0:10:12.74

So there's a lot of hanging, our hopes on potential rather than engaging with what is in front of us. And you will have heard me say before that this is a really easy trap to fall into as someone who leans more anxious, because not only are we very motivated by connection, but there is this very strong drive to prove yourself to someone, to earn love, to strive to perform and shapeshift. And so someone who shows some interest, that gets us hooked, right? And then if they are hesitant or reluctant in some way, whereas a more secure person might see that as a sign to walk away, a sign of incompatibility or a lack of interest, but someone who's more anxious and struggles with unworthiness, it's kind of like, game on. That's my cue to roll up my sleeves and change your mind, to convince you of my worth, and in doing so, hopefully convince myself of my own worth.

0:10:12.86 → 0:11:11.29

But suffice it to say, that's a really, really dark road to go down, because as many people attested to when I was having this conversation with them on Instagram, it destroys your self worth, right, because you feel like you've wasted all of this time and a lot of the time it doesn't turn into anything. I would say overwhelmingly, more often than not, it doesn't turn into anything because when people are saying they don't want a relationship, they usually don't want a relationship. They're happy to play pretend on a relationship, but ultimately not have to deal with the hard stuff of a relationship. They just, as I said, get all the upside of closeness and intimacy and sex and company without actually having to have hard conversations or do any emotional labour or be depended on by someone when things get hard. So I think that it's really important to believe someone when they tell you that they're not looking for a relationship, if that's what they say.

0:11:11.38 → 0:12:12.75

I think if we were to say that's probably the first tip of breaking the cycle of situations is if someone is saying something to you that is brutally honest, like, I'm not looking for a relationship or any of those things in that vein, they're probably telling the truth. And that is not your invitation to make it your mission to change their mind or to be the one to save them or rescue them or make them suddenly available when historically they've been unavailable. Don't see that as your challenge. Now, I think it's really important to also recognise the ways in which we perpetuate these dynamics, because, as always, it's very easy to blame the emotionally unavailable, manipulative, immature person who reeled us in and fed us breadcrumbs and tricked us, right? So many people will say that they'll say I didn't realise and at first it was like this and then all of a sudden it was like that and I got blindsided.

0:12:12.80 → 0:13:16.61

And it's not to say that can't happen and doesn't happen, but I think oftentimes we tell ourselves that it was more complicated or murky or that we got tricked when really we were being willfully blind to what was in front of us. And I think in the case where someone is inconsistent and unreliable and flaky from the outset, more or less particularly beyond that very initial rush of chemicals, when you're all very excited about each other, once it transitions into something more steady if someone pulls back and is only very intermittently available if they become unreliable and uncommunicative. But then they show up and want to hang out every so often, but only on their terms. I think that people tell themselves that that's really confusing and opaque and hard to read when really the writing is on the wall. So this is all exacerbated by the fact that, again, for someone who leans more anxious, who struggles with unworthiness, your tendency is likely to be very conflict averse.

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And particularly in those stages where you don't feel secure enough with this person to raise any of your concerns. It's likely that you're going to be in a very hyper vigilant mode of observing everything and maybe tiptoeing and maybe lightly trying to suggest or influence and hint at things, but not being very direct in your communication, not really advocating for yourself, not saying, here's what I want. What do you want? It's very much playing into the whole thing, being on the other person's terms, and I understand where that tendency comes from. Of course I'm worried that if I am direct with you that it'll push you away and then I'll lose the connection.

0:14:00.41 → 0:14:52.01

So I'd rather hold on to this approximation of a connection than have nothing at all. And of course, we can have so much sympathy for the part of us that is so hungry for love and connection that anything feels better than nothing, while also recognising how much it's costing us to play along in that and to put our sense of self on the line. For someone who's not really showing consistent, sustained interest and effort, it really is very painful in the long run, as you probably don't need me to tell you, right? It is exhausting and disappointing. And I think it erodes our self trust and our self respect, because I think a part of us knows that in real time, and yet we're too scared to walk away, we're too scared to say that we want more, we're too scared to really own our needs and our desires and our preferences.

0:14:52.83 → 0:15:27.27

So with all of that being said, what do we do to break this cycle? Of course, as with any cycle, it's not something that you're just going to flip a switch overnight and all of a sudden, all of your dating woes will be resolved and all of your patterns will have disappeared. But with that being said, I do think there are some simple ish, if not easy, simple things that you can do to start breaking this cycle if you do find yourself in that situation. Ship trap. So as with all cycles, you need to get clear on the ways in which you participate in perpetuating it.

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And I've just outlined some of the things that you might observe in yourself. Those tendencies to lay low, to be indirect, to not speak up, to not be forthcoming about where you're at and what you want. I think you need to know that for yourself. And I think you really need to know what your bottom line is and what your non negotiables are. Because without that, it's really easy to start bending the rules for someone that you're excited about and that you really want to hold on to a connection with.

0:15:56.30 → 0:16:51.72

Whereas if you've got that level of clarity for yourself on here's what I'm looking for, here's what I'm available for, and here's what I'm not available for, then you've made the decision in advance and all you need to do is execute on it, right? Whereas if you're trying to make that decision in real time, when there's a person in front of you that you really want to build a relationship with and you really want to ignore all of the evidence that is pointing to the fact that that is not going to happen. It becomes much murkier and requires extreme levels of self discipline and self control to actually follow through on that and make that decision when we're already attached. So try and be really clear and self responsible ahead of time in setting those boundaries for yourself. What am I available for if I'm not available for some approximation of a relationship that drags on for months on end without any kind of clarity or consistency, without any sustained effort or interest, let it go.

0:16:51.82 → 0:17:35.14

Please believe that there is more for you than that, but you're not going to find it if you're wasting your time with people who are not interested in you enough to really make that effort. If someone says that they're not looking for a relationship, believe them. This is one of those things where it's one of those exceptions to that saying of if someone's words and actions don't match up, believe their actions. I think that that's good advice, except for where someone's words are the harder thing to hear. So if words and actions don't match up, when someone's words are making promises or commitments or big sweeping things, when the words are exactly what you want to hear but the actions don't stack up, believe the actions.

0:17:35.20 → 0:17:55.53

But when the words are not the thing you want to hear. When someone is saying, I do not want to be in a relationship with you, but their actions say otherwise. Believe their words, because their words are hard, right? Their words are them being honest, whereas their actions are probably them having their cake and eating it too. So I know that that's hard to hear.

0:17:55.62 → 0:18:23.93

I know that everything within us wants to believe otherwise. But that's one of those things that I think you should really take at face value. And I don't know about you, but for me, I don't want to be in a relationship that I've had to really fight for someone to want. I think that that's a really hard thing to build on. And I say that having been in that situation, I was in something that we could call a situation for many months and it ultimately did turn into a relationship and a long term one.

0:18:23.97 → 0:19:07.54

But it was really unhealthy. Very unsurprisingly, because it was built on this foundation of a lack of trust and a lack of respect and just feeling so insecure from the outset because it hadn't started on very good terms. And I think that that is probably going to be true in the few cases where the situation becomes something more is it's just not a very nice start. It's a start where you feel like you've had to persuade someone to be in a relationship with you at all and that's just setting the power imbalance at a really skewed level. That's not going to set you up for a relationship based on reciprocity and mutuality and balance and fairness and all of those other things that really allow a relationship to thrive.

0:19:07.68 → 0:19:37.94

So take someone at face value, take their behaviour and their words at face value, particularly when those things are pointing to them not wanting to be in a relationship, if that is what you want. So I hope that that has been helpful, as always. If you've enjoyed this episode, let me know. Leave a review, leave a comment on Spotify, leave a rating, share it with the people in your life. All of that is hugely helpful for me in continuing to reach more people with the show, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you later in the week.

0:19:37.99 → 0:19:59.33

Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.

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Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.