#143 Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
[00:04:33]:
You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
[00:05:49]:
And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
[00:07:11]:
If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
[00:08:53]:
So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
[00:09:41]:
And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
[00:10:36]:
So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
[00:12:08]:
And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
[00:13:35]:
But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
[00:14:17]:
That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
[00:14:50]:
That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:56]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources
#142 5 Signs You Struggle With Receiving
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with. We cover :the tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships difficulty directing asking for what you want or need feeling guilty or burden...
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with.
We cover:
The tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships
Difficulty directing asking for what you want or need
Feeling guilty or burdensome when people support or accommodate you
Struggling to accept compliments or praise
Discomfort with being the centre of attention
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Struggling with Receiving? Here Are 5 Signs You Might Be Missing
In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, it's not uncommon to find oneself caught in a pattern of giving without receiving in return. This dynamic can often go unnoticed until it leads to feelings of imbalance and resentment. Recognising if you struggle with receiving is the first step towards fostering healthier, more reciprocal relationships. Here are five signs that might indicate you have difficulties in this area.
Consistently Imbalanced Relationships
A clear indication that you may struggle with receiving is if you find yourself consistently in relationships that feel one-sided. This could be in friendships, familial relationships, or romantic partnerships. If you often feel that you’re the one always giving, accommodating, and supporting while others take without reciprocating, it could be a sign. Such patterns might be ingrained, making it feel natural to be the giver, but it’s essential to realise that healthy relationships involve mutual support and giving.
This dynamic might lead you to mistakenly believe that others are taking advantage of you. However, it’s worth reflecting on how you might be contributing to this imbalance. Are you setting boundaries? Are you communicating your needs? Often, we play a role in perpetuating these patterns by not asserting ourselves or by avoiding the vulnerability involved in receiving.
Reluctance to Ask for Support
Another sign is a real difficulty in directly asking for what you need. Whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or something else entirely, if you find yourself hesitant to make such requests, you might have an issue with receiving. The discomfort might stem from fears of being a burden, facing rejection, or believing that others might resent you for voicing your needs.
You might prefer to wait until someone offers help and feel more comfortable if they've initiated it. Even then, you might go through several rounds of assuring them that you’re fine and that it’s no big deal before eventually conceding to their offer. This hesitance can often be tied to deeper insecurities about your worthiness and whether you deserve to have your needs met.
Guilt When Accommodated
Feeling guilty when someone supports or accommodates you is another hallmark of struggling with receiving. Despite being willing and even eager to help others, you might feel uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. Think about instances where someone has gone out of their way for you. Do you immediately feel the need to minimise the inconvenience or express how unnecessary their help is, even when you appreciate it?
This guilt might be accompanied by inner dialogues questioning your worthiness or worrying about potential negative consequences. It’s crucial to recognise that such feelings are often unfounded and more a reflection of your internal struggles than the reality of the situation.
Deflecting Compliments
If you're quick to deflect or downplay compliments, this too signals a discomfort with receiving. When someone praises you, do you find yourself immediately redirecting the compliment back to them or minimising it by downplaying your efforts? For example, instead of saying "thank you," you might respond with "oh, this old thing?" or "I just got lucky."
Accepting compliments can feel like a spotlight is on you, making the experience feel almost exposed and vulnerable. Learning to simply say "thank you" without qualification is a powerful step towards becoming more comfortable with receiving.
Discomfort with Being the Centre of Attention
Feeling uneasy when you are the focus of attention, such as during a birthday celebration or any event centred around you, can also be a sign. While not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention due to personality differences, extreme discomfort might point to underlying issues with receiving.
This discomfort often stems from an inability to believe that people genuinely want to celebrate or support you. It could be linked to a fear of seeming needy or the deep-seated belief that you must be self-sufficient to be valued and loved.
Embracing the Vulnerability of Receiving
Addressing and overcoming these signs involves delving into the roots of these feelings and challenging the narratives that fuel them. It requires embracing the inherent vulnerability of receiving. This might mean starting small, such as expressing your preferences when someone asks for your opinion, or practising gratitude when receiving assistance or compliments.
Understand that receiving is not a sign of weakness or neediness. It is part of the natural ebb and flow of healthy relationships. By recognising and addressing your struggles with receiving, you open the door to more balanced, fulfilling relationships where giving and receiving are reciprocally rewarding.
Accept that feeling discomfort is part of the growth process. Encourage yourself to sit with this discomfort rather than retreating from it. The more you allow yourself to receive, the more you will see the capacity for generosity and support in others, thus creating a more balanced and enriching relational experience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently feeling imbalanced in your relationships, often giving more than you receive? How does this dynamic impact your sense of satisfaction within these relationships?
How comfortable are you with directly asking for support or expressing your needs to others? What fears or anxieties arise for you in these situations?
Reflect on a time when someone went out of their way to support you. Did you feel guilty or undeserving of their efforts? What beliefs or past experiences contribute to these feelings?
When you receive compliments, do you tend to deflect, downplay, or dismiss them? Why do you think it's challenging for you to simply accept praise?
How do you feel about being the centre of attention or being celebrated by others? What messages about worthiness and vulnerability surface for you in these moments?
Consider the narrative you've constructed about being "low maintenance" or "easy." How does this self-perception affect your willingness to let others take care of you?
What stories do you tell yourself about your worthiness to receive love and support? How do these stories influence your behaviour and interactions in relationships?
How might your fear of being a burden or your concern about others' resentment impact your ability to receive care and support?
Reflect on a recent interaction where you allowed someone to give to you without resisting or minimizing their efforts. How did it feel to accept their support fully?
Identify one small way you can practice receiving this week, whether it's accepting a compliment graciously or allowing someone to do something kind for you. How can this practice contribute to recalibrating the balance in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving, specifically 5 signs that you struggle with receiving in your relationships. So receiving is probably not something that you've turned your mind to very consciously.
[00:00:48]:
I think for a lot of us, it's really not. And yet I think for so many people, it can be a real struggle and it can. Keep us stuck in relationships that are really imbalanced, not really knowing why or what to do about it. And as we'll talk about, I think we can often blame the other person for the fact that maybe our needs are not being met or we're not feeling We're responsible in part for we're responsible in part for the creation and perpetuation of a dynamic that feels imbalanced or asymmetrical in terms of contribution or who's being accommodated. Because for a lot of us, as much as we can bemoan the fact that it's always all about the other person, receiving is actually really vulnerable and can be really challenging if that's not the seat that you have traditionally sat in, in your relationships. So let me talking a little bit about that today, and sharing some signs that you might struggle with this. As I think many of you will, I certainly have in the past and still really have to consciously open myself to receiving and drop or resist any feelings of guilt or discomfort that might come with being accommodated rather than being the one who's always accommodating others. Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:18]:
Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder that I'm running a 50% off sale at the moment on all of my courses and master classes. So my higher love breakup course, my secure together couples or relationship course, and then my 4 master classes, which are shorter workshops on specific topics. All of those are 50% off at the moment with the discount code, Hey, baby. So if you insert that discount code at the checkout, you can save 50% on all of those. So if you've been interested in going deeper into some of my programs or workshops, now's a really great time to do that. Okay. So let's talk about signs that you struggle with receiving. Now, the first one is that you often or consistently wind up in relationships, And this can be friendships as well, to be clear, it's not specific to romantic relationships, but you consistently wind up in relationships that feel imbalanced or lacking in reciprocity.
[00:03:16]:
So as I alluded to in the introduction, there's this sense of, I'm always the giver and other people are always taking from me or I'm accommodating them. I am working around their needs and preferences And it's never me who's taking up that space. It's never me who is the one being accommodated, the one whose preferences are being catered to. It feels like I'm always in the support role rather than the one being supported. Now, you might be hearing that and going, why is that my fault, right? Why should I be held responsible for the fact that people are taking advantage of me or other stories like that? And as always, it's not about fault. And I hope that those of you who've been following my work for a while know that I'm not talking in terms of fault and blame. And I think that we really have to try and look beyond that and go, okay, what's actually going on here? And as always, I think that these dynamics, where it takes 2 to tango and they reinforce each other. And so we're not looking at blame so much as in what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of the status quo here? And I think that when we are consistently winding up in relationships that have a similar look and feel to them in terms of that kind of dynamic of over giving and imbalance and feeling maybe resentful about that.
[00:04:41]:
That's a really good sign that we are part of that, that we are contributing in some way And that that's not just about the other person. I think when you've got the same dynamic over and over again, it becomes a little dishonest maybe to just point the finger at the other person and go, oh, I don't know why I always end up with people who take advantage of me. So the first line that you might struggle with receiving, and I suppose the other side of that coin is that, you know, you maybe give too much is that you always end up in relationships that look like that. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you rarely, if ever, directly ask for what you need or ask for support, ask for someone to do something for you. That's something that you really struggle to directly request. And if someone offers, so you're probably much more comfortable with someone offering that to you rather than you having to assert it. And you might find that if someone does offer, you go through a few rounds of pushing back and saying, no, I'm fine.
[00:05:41]:
Don't worry about it. It's really not that big a deal. And other things like that before you eventually might accept whatever it is that they're offering you. So it's only in those circumstances that you can feel okay with someone doing something for you, even if you really want to and you wish you could ask them directly. It might just feel too vulnerable, whether that's because you're worrying that you're a burden, or that they're going to resent doing something for you, or you fear rejection, you fear what would happen if they said, No, I'm not going to do that for you. Whatever it might be, and it might be all of those or a combination of them, that you're much more comfortable with someone going out of their way or giving something to you or taking care of you, supporting you. However, it looks in a given set of circumstances. If they've initiated it, they've offered it, they've insisted against your pushback.
[00:06:38]:
And then finally, you can go, okay, great, thanks. It's like you have confirmation of the fact that they really do wanna do it and they're really happy to, and it's really not a big deal. That kind of alleviates some of your fears or concerns around them going out of their way, which feels uncomfortable and maybe you feel, you know, unworthy or undeserving of that, or you worry, you know, what they're going to really be thinking as a result of having to accommodate you, because that's not a position that you're accustomed to being in. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is related to the previous that you feel guilty when people go out of their way to support or accommodate you. It feels like you've done something wrong or you're anticipating some sort of adverse consequence. And this is even when you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. Right.
[00:07:31]:
If the circumstances were flipped, if you were in the giving role, there's no way that you would be harboring any resentment or concern about it, or you'd be really comfortable with doing that for them as an act of love, but you really struggle to believe that the same could be true in the other direction. And so you feel guilt or anxiety around receiving when someone is going out of their way to accommodate you. So maybe that's, they've offered to pick you up from the airport at an inconvenient time of day or go out of their way to pick something up at the shops for you. Maybe you've said, oh, don't worry. Only if it's not too hard. Only if it's not too much trouble, all of those things. And then you feel a bit uncomfortable if someone has had to go out of their way to do it. And I think the common thread underneath that is really struggling to believe that you are worthy of other people's efforts, right? That it's all well and good for you to go to those links to show them love and care and support, but you struggle to believe that they love and care and want to support you to the same degree.
[00:08:36]:
So maybe you fear that they're not going to be happy with you, or they're going to punish you in some way as a result of having to take care of you or accommodate you? And so I think there is a little thread there around worthiness and deservingness. Can I really take in someone's love or do I put a ceiling on their expression of love and care for me? Because I don't really believe that it's there or that it's possible. I don't want to be disappointed. So I sort of tell myself and tell them that I don't need it or want it, that I'm fine to take care of myself, that I'm low maintenance, all of these things, when really it's just that I struggle with receiving it. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you are quick to deflect or minimize compliments, or maybe you very quickly push it back onto the other person. So for example, if someone says, you look really nice today, you might say, oh, really? I got ready in 5 minutes. And this is just an old sweater of mine and whatever else you downplay it.
[00:09:49]:
You struggle to just take it in and go, thank you. I really appreciate that full stop. Right. Or maybe you push back onto them and go, oh, thank you. Look amazing. Don't talk about me. Look at you. Right? And having the spotlight on you and just taking in someone's praise, someone's compliment feels really, you've got almost naked and vulnerable, in a way that is really uncomfortable for you.
[00:10:12]:
So noticing that, do you struggle to just take the compliment? Someone says, oh, you, you did an amazing job at something. You might find other ways to detract from your own efforts or your own successes. Because again, you worry that there's going to be some sort of consequence attached to just asking in it and just, you know, gratefully accepting whatever someone's offering to you by way of compliment or praise. And the last sign that you struggle with receiving is you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention. So for example, if you throw a birthday party, you might really feel very uncomfortable with the idea of people coming to celebrate you and it all being about you. I can very much relate to this. I still struggle with it. Don't really like that at all.
[00:11:08]:
And while I think there are personality differences around this, and it's not to say that we all have to become comfortable with being the center of attention and having a surprise party with a 100 people phone in our honor. I think for some of us, it's just never gonna be comfortable and maybe that's okay. It is something to reflect on, do I resist being loved and letting people love me and letting people show up for me and celebrating me. What is it about that that feels so uncomfortable? Do I struggle to believe that people will, or people want to, And where does that come from within me? What might it be like to really allow myself to receive people's celebration or love of me. And so reflecting on that, I think oftentimes we will be pleasantly surprised by how much people do want to show up for us. And if we can allow ourselves to, to let that happen and to take it all in, it can be quite eye opening and maybe vulnerable, but ultimately beautifully reinforcing of how much we are loved and cared for and supported by the people in our lives. And it might go some of the way in dismantling those stories that we have around people not wanting to do that for us. I think whether it's this or any number of other things in our relationships, it's amazing how we're so convinced that our story is the truth, whether that's people don't care about me, people don't show up for me, but we actually never run the experiment because we don't want to expose ourselves to the vulnerability or the possibility of that being true.
[00:12:45]:
And so we deprive others of the opportunity to show up for us. We deprive others of the opportunity to meet our needs or whatever it might be, because we've already convinced ourselves that they won't or they can't. And so it feels less vulnerable to just shut ourselves off rather than open ourselves to that possibility and be pleasantly surprised. So that was 5 signs that you struggle with receiving. I'll quickly recap those. The first was you consistently wind up in these imbalanced or asymmetrical relationships that feel like you're the one always giving and they're the one always taking, and it's never about you. 2nd was you rarely, if ever, directly ask for support or ask for what you need, you only reluctantly accept it if someone else initiates it. And even then you probably push back a bit.
[00:13:37]:
The third was you feel really guilty and like a burden. If someone goes out of their way to support or accommodate you, even in circumstances where you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. The 4th was you're quick to deflect or downplay or minimize compliments or other kind words that people offer to you. And the 5th one was you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention or being, you know, celebrated in some way. So if you relate to some or all of those, as I suspect many of you will, I certainly do. The I suppose the work for you is to reflect on where that comes from to notice what is this discomfort really about? I mentioned a few possible sources and you may relate to a number of these, that unworthiness, that feeling of being undeserving, the vulnerability of receiving, worrying that someone's going to resent you or that they're going to be upset at having to accommodate you feeling like a burden and feeling like you have to be easy or low maintenance in order to be lovable. All of these things, which we might not necessarily associate with receiving. As I said in the introduction, it's not something that we talk about all that much or many of us kind of really conscious of.
[00:14:54]:
But I think a lot of those underlying themes and wounds or patterns in our relationships can really show up here and affect the overall climate or environment of our relationships. And I think that when we do wind up in these patterns of where we're struggling to receive and our relationships reflect that imbalance. Invariably, we end up harboring some resentment and feeling uncared for and neglected. And as I said, it's easy to blame the other person when maybe there's a little bit more ball in our court, so to speak. There's a little bit more that we could be doing to recalibrate that imbalance rather than just blaming the other person and feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling abandoned or neglected or whatever it might be. So, there's lots to do there. I mean, there are lots of ways that you can practice receiving and it will be a practice, Or If someone says, what do you feel like for dinner? Rather than saying, I don't mind whatever you want, you might say, I feel like this and asking them to cook you something that maybe isn't the easiest or the simplest option and not feeling guilty about that. Or just noticing if you feel guilty, but not quickly walking back from the edge there.
[00:16:16]:
Just actually allowing yourself to linger in the discomfort of the edge of your comfort zone, because that is really where the growth happens when we can let ourselves sit there and go, oh, okay, the whole world didn't come crumbling down. My relationship didn't end. They didn't reject me. They didn't roll their eyes and tell me that I was a pain in the ass or whatever doomsday catastrophic scenario that we are consciously or subconsciously fearing will come to pass as a result of taking up a bit more space. I think it's always good to run those little experiments. And as I said, be pleasantly surprised by what we might find. I really hope that you've found something of interest in today's episode that it's been helpful for you. And as always, I'm so grateful for your support. And I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:17:11]
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, relationships, receiving in relationships, relationship imbalance, giving and receiving, relationship coach, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, vulnerability in relationships, accommodating others, feeling neglected, overgiving, reciprocity in relationships, asking for support, feeling guilty in relationships, deservingness, receiving love, feeling like a burden, relationship dynamics, seeking validation, emotional support, relationship patterns, self-worth, feeling unworthy, deflecting compliments, being the center of attention, celebrating oneself, feeling undeserving, relationship growth.