Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
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Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
[00:04:33]:
You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
[00:05:49]:
And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
[00:07:11]:
If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
[00:08:53]:
So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
[00:09:41]:
And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
[00:10:36]:
So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
[00:12:08]:
And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
[00:13:35]:
But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
[00:14:17]:
That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
[00:14:50]:
That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:56]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources