#89 How to Care Less About Others' Opinions (For the Recovering People Pleaser)
Are you feeling stuck in the perennial battle between seeking external validation and staying true to your authentic self? In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to detach from unhealthy people-pleasing behaviours that ask us to trade our authenticity for belonging and approval.
This episode challenges you to take a deeper look into your people pleasing tendencies, learn to channel them more intentionally, and cultivate self-worth and self-respect. The goal? To build an internal foundation that allows us to handle criticism and rejection without losing our sense of self.
Listen in as we explore the importance of cultivating conscious awareness around our patterns, discuss how to become more comfortable with who you are, and share practical tips to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships.
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Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the question of how do I stop caring about other people's opinions so much as someone who is a recovering people pleaser.
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So I'm sure that this is a question that a lot of people, myself included, will relate to, because I think, to varying degrees, all of us struggle with that tussle between not wanting to be overly reliant on external. Validation or shaping ourselves around what we think will get us the approval and acceptance of others while also not losing ourselves in the process. And I think it is yet another area where there's a bit of mess and a bit of nuance. So I'm hoping that in today's episode I can share some thoughts on that and share some tips on how to build up a stronger sense of self so that we are more resilient to the feedback of others, while not swinging too far in the other direction of totally insulating ourselves and having a false bravado around, not caring what other people think at all. Because I think that to the extent people purport to be completely immune to other people's feedback and opinions and criticism, I think that's maybe not totally honest because I think most of us do care about what other people think to varying degrees.
0:01:51.93 → 0:02:13.75
So that's what I'm going to be chatting through today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that healing, anxious attachment, which many of you would know is my signature course, is opening up again for enrollment later this month. It's an eight week course. Over 1000 people have gone through the programme and it will be back.
0:02:13.82 → 0:02:50.04
This will be the fifth time I'll be running it. I know that a lot of you are already on the waitlist, but if you are interested in joining, do sign up to the Waitlist via the link in the Show Notes because that will guarantee you early bird pricing and first access when doors open towards the end of the month. So jump into the link in the Show Notes or head straight to my website if you're interested in learning more about the programme and joining that waitlist. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review today, which is a best friend advice in my ears. This podcast has been a comforting resource to turn to whenever I'm feeling anxious, confused or doubt.
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For the last ten months, I've been moving through the toughest long term breakup I've ever experienced. Stephanie and her coming words and advice have been invaluable to me on this heart, healing journey. Thanks for allowing me to better understand my attachment style and assisting me in my personal growth. Thank you so much for that beautiful and heartfelt review. It's really lovely to hear and I'm so glad that you found some solace in the podcast.
0:03:12.72 → 0:03:49.87
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how do I stop caring about other people's opinions as a recovering people pleaser. So maybe we take a step back to start and look at what people pleasing is like so many of our behaviours, whether we like them or not, people pleasing is a protective strategy. It's one that we've learned somewhere along the way because a part of us is afraid of what would happen if people didn't like us. And that's pretty primal.
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I think that we're very social animals, social creatures and we are wired for connection and belonging. Those are pretty base needs of us as humans. And so it makes sense that it would feel important to our sense of safety that we are part of the in crowd, right? That we have a sense of social cohesion and acceptance and belonging. And I think that people pleasing can emerge from that fundamental need as a way to try and manage those dynamics and create a sense of safety for us via the acceptance of the group.
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Now, as always, my personal view is not one that is black and white. So I don't think we have to say people pleasing is bad. I think rather, we can look at the ways in which it helps us and the ways in which it gets in the way of our authentic expression and authentic connection with people to the extent that we are performing. Or representing a false view of ourselves or suppressing parts of us that we fear would hinder that pursuit of getting accepted by the group. So I think that having that perspective of not people pleasing is bad and it's something that I need to stop because I'm such a terrible people pleaser.
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I think that in some circumstances being sensitive to and attuned to what is going to contribute to social harmony or cohesion or is going to allow us to build a relationship or is going out of our way to be helpful to someone. Those are not inherently bad traits or behaviours, we just need to channel them deliberately as with all of these things. So the more we can bring conscious awareness to and intentionality to the ways in which we utilise these behaviours, I think the better off will be. So then this question of how do I stop caring about other people's opinions as a recovering people pleaser? I think at the heart of this is how can I become more comfortable and self assured in who I am and the choices that I make such that I am less prone to meltdown if I get feedback from someone or criticism from someone or rejection.
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That really shakes me to my core because I think that if we've taken people pleasing to the extreme such that we don't really have a very defined sense of self, we don't know within us who am I, what do I care about? What do I think? What are my opinions? What are my values? If we've spent a lifetime shape shifting and deferring to the opinions and values and needs and preferences of everyone around us in this tireless effort to be accepted and approved of, then we don't really have much of a foundation within ourselves.
0:06:49.57 → 0:07:31.19
And I think that can lead to a level of loneliness and self abandonment that can be really challenging. Because when we've totally outsourced that sense of self and validation and we don't have that internal relationship, then of course if someone does reject us or disapprove of us, it's going to feel incredibly high stakes, right? Because we've put 100% of our self worth in the hands of something outside of us. So I think that cultivating self worth and self respect as always. It's almost like all roads lead back to that, right?
0:07:31.23 → 0:08:13.58
You would have heard me speak about that many times before on the podcast. If we can have enough of a foundation within ourselves, that we know what our values are, we know what our boundaries are, we stand up for ourselves, we advocate for ourselves. We are kind and thoughtful and considerate and sensitive and all of those traits that are positive while also not losing ourselves in the process. Then if someone doesn't like it, it might be uncomfortable, right? It's not to say that if we just develop self worth, then all of a sudden we're this super duper confident person who is not at all impacted by the thoughts or opinions of others.
0:08:14.19 → 0:09:14.41
But we have a bit. More distance from it, and we have a stronger base from which we can say, oh, okay, that feels uncomfortable, but it's not completely destroying my sense of self. I'm not going to spiral into a really dark, shame ridden place because I'm not taking some other person's opinion as definitive of who I am. And I think that that is what happens when we don't have enough of an internal anchor is that if someone says that we are, whatever, not attractive enough or smart enough or they don't like us, usually when that has a really deep impact, it's because it's confirming our worst fears about ourselves, right? When we take someone else's opinion and we use it as evidence in support of the stories and the wounds that are very deep within us, that's when it feels very high stakes and very earth shattering.
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So I think the more we can build up that self relationship and the more that we can tend to those wounded parts within us that have those fears of nobody likes me, I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm an imposter, I'm not whatever. The more we can tend to those wounds within ourselves, the less likely we are to be really deeply affected by the thoughts or opinions of other people to the extent that they get at those core wounds. So it's not about how can I have this, as I said, like a false bravado or this veneer of I don't care what anyone thinks, because I don't really buy that. I think that most people who purport to be totally immune to being affected by other people's opinions are not being totally honest. And I think that's okay.
0:10:12.43 → 0:11:04.90
I think we can hopefully get to a place where, as always, we find our way to the middle, where I have enough of a sense of self that I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm comfortable with my choices and my behaviours. But I'm not so defensive that I need to shut out all criticism or feedback, right? Because that's not healthy either, if we're so rigid that we can't take any of it because that feels too challenging or too uncomfortable. It's just the other extreme. So we really want to find our way to this place of a strong enough foundation that we're comfortable with who we are, while also being able to selectively take on feedback and criticism and influence from other people who we trust and whose opinion we value.
0:11:05.27 → 0:11:54.67
But that level of discernment and openness comes with internal security. And so it all really does lead back to this need to cultivate self worth and self respect. And as I said, I've spoken about that a lot on the podcast, because I really do think that it's not only incredibly powerful in your relationship with yourself, but it's really practical. Unlike something like self love, which can feel a little abstract and out of reach for most people, things like self respect and self worth are much more concrete in that we can translate them into action and those actions compound over time and we can really see a lot of progress very quickly. So I hope that that has helped you in giving a bit of a sense of what that might look like.
0:11:54.87 → 0:12:35.03
Not so much stopping caring about other people's opinions, but not being so easily swayed or so susceptible to melt down at rejection or challenging feedback in a way that really rocks you to your core and fundamentally alters your sense of self worth. So I do hope that that has been helpful, as always. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be super grateful if you could leave a rating or a review, share it on social media. All of those things are hugely helpful for me in continuing to grow the podcast and reach more people. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week.
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Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of on attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.