#145 3 Fights Every Anxious-Avoidant Couple Has Had
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
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The Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: Common Conflicts and How to Navigate Them
Anxious-avoidant relationships are particularly common and notoriously challenging. The attraction between someone with an anxious attachment style and another with an avoidant attachment style often results in a dynamic where each partner’s needs and fears can exacerbate the other’s insecurities.
The Conflict Over Details
One prevalent source of friction revolves around the need for details. The anxious partner typically craves information and clarity – where their partner is going, who they are spending time with, and what their plans entail. This desire for details stems from a need for assurance and a sense of control, helping mitigate anxiety about the unknown.
In contrast, the avoidant partner may find these questions intrusive and feel their privacy and autonomy are being infringed upon. They often prefer to keep certain parts of their lives separate, which can lead them to be vague or non-communicative. This behaviour is not necessarily about hiding something but rather about maintaining a sense of independence.
Navigating the Conflict: Begin by recognising and empathising with where each person is coming from. For the anxious partner, it's understanding that vagueness isn't inherently suspicious. For the avoidant partner, offering a bit more detail can quell anxiety without impinging on their independence. A balanced approach, where both parties communicate their needs and agree on what level of detail is comfortable to share, can ease this tension.
The Abrupt Exit During Conflict
Another common fight occurs when the avoidant partner exits a serious conversation or conflict. They might abruptly stop the discussion, citing work or another distraction, which leaves the anxious partner feeling dismissed and undervalued. The more the avoidant disengages, the more the anxious partner might react with heightened emotions, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.
For the avoidant partner, leaving the conversation can be a coping mechanism to avoid escalating emotions and preserve tranquility. They might genuinely need to attend to other commitments or simply feel the conversation is going around in circles without resolution.
Navigating the Conflict: The key here is mutual respect for time and space. Agreeing on a suitable time for serious discussions ensures that both partners are fully present and can engage constructively. If a conversation becomes too heated, agreeing to pause and reschedule it for a calmer time can prevent hurt feelings and further escalation. It’s crucial for each partner to express their needs calmly and assure the other that the conversation is important and will be revisited.
The Clash of Love Languages
Love languages – the myriad ways people express and receive love – often become a battleground in anxious-avoidant relationships. Anxious partners might crave words of affirmation and physical affection, feeling loved through constant verbal and tactile reassurance. Avoidant partners, however, might demonstrate love through acts of service, quality time, or even gift-giving, which can seem less direct and tangible to their anxious counterparts.
This divergence can lead to misunderstandings where the anxious partner feels neglected or unloved because the avoidant partner doesn’t frequently express love in the expected ways. The avoidant partner might feel unappreciated, believing their efforts are unnoticed or undervalued.
Navigating the Conflict: Understanding each other’s love languages is a powerful step toward reconciliation. Open conversations about what makes each partner feel loved and appreciated can reveal underlying needs and foster empathy. Encouraging both partners to occasionally step out of their comfort zones to meet each other’s needs can build a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Building a Compassionate and Secure Connection
The essence of navigating these conflicts lies in fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Recognising that each partner’s behaviours are rooted in their attachment styles can shift the perspective from blame to understanding. Engaging in dialogues with a compassionate mindset and striving for a balance between personal needs and the relationship’s wellbeing creates a foundation where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
Creating a positive relational environment encourages vulnerability and helps each partner feel safer to express themselves. In a space devoid of constant blame and defensiveness, it becomes easier to appreciate each other’s efforts and intentions, paving the way for deeper connection and secure attachment.
By approaching each conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand, anxious-avoidant couples can transform their relationship dynamics, moving toward a healthier and more resilient bond.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise any patterns in your past or current relationships that reflect the anxious-avoidant dynamic? How have these patterns impacted your relationships?
When you’re feeling anxious in a relationship, do you often seek detailed information and reassurance from your partner? How do you think this affects your partner and your relationship?
If your partner appears avoidant and values their privacy, how do you generally react? Can you identify times when this reaction has led to conflict?
Reflect on a time when you or your partner ended a serious conversation abruptly. How did that make you feel? What steps could both of you take to navigate these situations more peacefully in the future?
How do you and your partner generally deal with arguments about spending quality time together? What love languages do you feel most connected to, and how do you express them?
Think about a recent conflict in your relationship. Was it about an underlying issue rather than the immediate problem? How can you address the root cause rather than the symptom next time?
Consider the concept of "creating a culture of appreciation" in your relationship. How often do you acknowledge your partner’s efforts to show love, even if it’s not in your preferred love language?
Do you find it challenging to understand or appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy and space? How might you work on developing more empathy and flexibility in this area?
Reflect on how you feel when asking your partner for emotional reassurance. Are there ways you can communicate your needs without making your partner feel overwhelmed or interrogated?
How do you typically balance your needs for security and certainty against your partner’s needs for space and independence? Can you identify any strategies to maintain this balance more effectively?
Feel free to reflect on these questions in your journal or discuss them with your partner to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and the ways you can grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking about 3 fights that you've probably had if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship. If you've been in an anxious, avoidant relationship in the past, or indeed if you embark upon a relationship in the future with an anxious, avoidant dynamic, you're likely to have some version of these conflicts. So for anyone who is new here, who's uninitiated in this language, when I say an anxious, avoidant relationship, I'm referring to a relationship between someone who leans more anxious in their attachment style and someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment style. This is a very, very common pairing. It's very common for people with these attachment styles to be drawn to each other. And yet there can be a lot of challenges in that dynamic because, you know, on the surface, at least your attachment needs and wounds tend to sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.
[00:01:22]:
And it's really easy if you're not conscious and not aware to just trigger the hell out of each other. And, you know, for each of your habitual responses to reinforce the other person's fears and insecurities and thereby really embolden them and their protective mechanisms, their protective you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so hard and why do we keep fighting about these things? I'm hoping that you'll feel very seen by today's episode, particularly by the specificity of some of the examples that I'm going to give. But also, I suppose, to peel back the layers in some of these conflicts, because the fight is never really about the thing that you're fighting about. It's almost always about something deeper, symptomatic of some unmet need or some fear or insecurity that you're being brought into contact with. And our romantic relationships have a real knack for bringing us into contact with those things. And we tend to be most sensitive in that arena to anything that feels threatening to our sense of safety, our sense of self, which we derive from our relationship, at least in part. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today, giving free examples. It's a little bit lighthearted.
[00:02:34]:
It's not intended to be a really serious conversation today. So hopefully you'll have a little chuckle and I feel not only validated and seen, but maybe take it in good humor as well. That's my hope anyway. Okay. So before I dive into that, a quick reminder, this is the last week that you can take advantage of the 50% off sale that I've been running since being on maternity leave. I'm gonna wrap that up on the 30th June. So if you are interested in saving 50% on any of my courses or masters, head to my website and you can take advantage of that with the code, hey, baby, all 1 word. And particularly in keeping with today's theme around anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those and trying to build a more secure foundation within an anxious, avoidant relationship, which I'm a big advocate for my course Secure Together, which I recorded with my partner, Joel.
[00:03:25]:
It's a really comprehensive course that will help you and your partner if you decide to do it together and to understand each other better and ultimately to love each other better, which is what we're all trying to do here. So, if today's episode resonates with you, definitely check out Secure Together and say 50% with that discount code, hey, baby. Alright. So the first of these common arguments or pain points that you're likely to have encountered if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic is an argument about details. And in particular, an avoidant partner not giving details about where they're going, what they're doing, being sort of vague or cagey. At least that's how it's likely to appear to the anxious person about it might be where they're going. It might be who they're talking to. It might be who's going to be somewhere.
[00:04:13]:
So, you know, to paint the picture a little, your partner might be, you know, catching up with friends on the weekend and, you know, you, the anxious partner, might ask them, oh, where are you gonna go? And your avoidant partner might say, oh, I'm not sure yet. Full stop. And you might then say, what do you mean you're not sure yet? Oh, I just don't know. We haven't made a plan. Or I don't know. I'm not the 1 organizing it. And you might then say, as the anxious partner, well, haven't you asked them, how do you know where you're gonna meet them? And you might sense your avoidant partner becoming increasingly agitated with the line of questioning. You might then pivot to, well, who's going to be there? They might say, I don't know.
[00:04:49]:
And similarly, you might say, well, what do you mean you don't know? That kind of level of back and forth around giving details or not giving details. So why might this be triggering for someone with more anxious attachment patterns certainty and information and details allow you to feel some level of control, right? Vagaries and uncertainty and blank space is a total breeding ground for your anxiety. And particularly in circumstances like the 1 that I've just walked through, you're likely to go to a worst case scenario of they're hiding something from me. They're, you know, cheating on me. There's gonna be someone there that they shouldn't be seeing all of these things. And now I want to be really clear, because I know I'll get people saying, but what if that's true? And what if I've had that experience? And I'm not at all meaning to invalidate those fears to the extent that they are grounded in reality? I'm really talking here just about that dynamic of anxious partner really wanting a lot of information, needing that information to feel safe. And so grilling their partner or kind of interrogating a partner, continuing to like, pick and go back in for more and push and press and then finding resistance in their partner and using the fact of that resistance as evidence that there's something being hidden or concealed. And so escalating that attempt to, you know, draw blood from a stone to pull out information from them.
[00:06:17]:
And, you know, again, on and on that spirals because you're convinced that they're deliberately concealing or hiding something from you. Now, why would that be an issue for the avoidant partner? Why would they avoid a partner not just give you all of the details that you want? So let's kind of walk around to the other side and look at things from their perspective. We know that avoidant partners really value their privacy, their independence, their sense of autonomy. They will often, particularly earlier in a relationship, be quite protective of different parts of their life and keep them quite siloed. So say they were going to a work function. They might not want to give you all of the details about that. And they might deliberately keep that kind of vague because they don't think that it's relevant for you to know. They don't understand why you would need to know all of that because that's a different part of their life.
[00:07:07]:
Now I understand that if you're more anxious, that just doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't really make sense to me either as someone who does tend more in that direction and would freely give that information. But I suppose the point is that it's not always sinister, right? It's not always concealing something because there's something to hide that is dishonesty or keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of, keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of protecting their energetic space, and kind of keeping a level of autonomy rather than feeling intruded upon and feeling like you are seeking to insert yourself into every aspect of their life. So there can be this sense of, you know, a safe distance that they maintain by keeping details vague, by not being really over sharing about every little aspect of other parts of their life that they don't necessarily see as being relevant to you. Now that's not to say that you have to be okay with that. So on both sides, anxious partner doesn't have to just be okay with vague detail, with not being included in other aspects of their partner's life or being kept at arm's length. I think particularly as a relationship goes on, it's totally understandable that you would want to be included in different aspects of each other's lives and feel like you have at least some level of insight into that rather than feeling like you're being kept away. But equally, I think that having the understanding around where that might be coming from can allow you to approach the conversation to the extent that you feel you need to have a conversation from a more compassionate place rather than an accusatory 1.
[00:08:56]:
Because I can assure you that if you go in with an accusation, essentially, you know, what are you hiding from me? Why won't you tell me? Then your partner's only going to retreat further, feel even more intruded upon, and that's gonna exacerbate the dynamic. Now from the avoidant partner's perspective, I think, you know, your work here in this kind of argument is to understand that the more you give, the less your partner's going to go into that mode of intruding upon you or, you know, interrogating you, which is probably how you feel. I use that word kind of loosely or in inverted commas, because I know that that's how you're likely to feel as the more avoidant partner. Like, why are you harassing me? Why do you need to know this doesn't concern you? That protective stance that you're kind of adopting there is actually making it worse. So if you can see things from your partner's perspective and understand that that little bit of extra detail or informational context provides a lot of safety to relax into giving you your space without needing to feel like they have to investigate, you know, pry you open for information. That's, you know, a really nice and I would say relatively easy give, that will actually, you know, your fear story probably tells you that that's gonna be some slippery slope and then you're never gonna have any privacy or time or space yourself again. It's usually the opposite outcome. You'll actually have more freedom, more time and space yourself because your partner is not gonna be so paranoid.
[00:10:24]:
Okay. The next fight that you've probably had some variation of is if you're already having a fight or a serious conversation about something, and the avoidant partner starting to get restless as will often happen. And then they say something along the lines of it's not a good time or I have to get back to work or I have to go and do something. And so they essentially, like, abruptly leave the serious conversation because they've got some other thing to do. Now if you're the anxious partner and you were already upset or worked up, and then your partner says, I've got to go and do this work thing and it goes and gets their laptop out and starts doing something else. That's gonna feel incredibly rejecting and dismissive. Right? It's gonna feel like, how could you possibly be thinking about something else? How can you just switch gears like that? You must not care about this thing that we're talking about at all. You know, you're just trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this conversation.
[00:11:25]:
And so for the anxious partner, that's probably gonna fire you up and you're probably gonna follow them or just be really, really upset and hurt and possibly angry at your partner for just disengaging like that. And you're going to feel really deep prioritized. Like, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be going to do that thing, you'd be staying and having this conversation with me, right? For the avoidant partner, there can be this sense of, like, this conversation is gonna go on for 3 hours. I don't have time or capacity for it. It's not productive. We're not getting anywhere. We're just talking around in circles. And so I'm gonna go and do the thing that I was meant to be doing at this point in time.
[00:12:04]:
And that for them is a perfectly logical, kind of rational response to allocating their time and energy. They're not doing that to deliberately reject or hurt their partner. If anything, they're extracting themselves with a view to keeping the conflict at bay a lot of the time or not letting things escalate to the point of full blown conflict, big emotions, things that they don't really feel comfortable with. And so in nipping something in the bud or kind of shifting gears, extracting themselves, taking themselves out of the insensitive or inopportune moment. Oftentimes it's just their effort at either self regulating, whether they realize it or not, at preserving some semblance of peace and connection or really just doing the things that they were meant to do. You know, if they are genuinely working to a deadline, that might be as important, if not more important to them, than having some big, drawn out relationship conversation. Again, if you're more anxious, that's kind of unfathomable because being drawn out relationship conversations will always come first. Right? You would happily, cancel your plans and push back a deadline or be late for something.
[00:13:14]:
If something big was happening in your relationship and that needed to be discussed. That's always going to take precedence for you. And, you know, you would happily kinda drop everything else to stay in that until you find the resolution that you're looking for. That's just not true for your avoidant partner. A lot of the time, they don't have that same hierarchy where the relationship just sits like so far above everything else that nothing else matters. And so recognizing that that divergence in approach and how you view a conversation like that and the boundaries and time parameters and kind of staying in it, the presence, again, is not coming from a place of, like, a lack of caring or a deliberate attempt at hurting 1 another. But there are some little tweaks that you can do there to try and prevent that from escalating. Because as I said, there's a good chance if the avoidant partner does extract themselves that the anxious partner is going to fire up and really amplify their attempts at being heard, whether that's by getting nasty or getting really emotional, you know, saying you don't even care about me.
[00:14:17]:
What's wrong with you? I can't do this anymore. All of those sorts of things, which again tend not to help really. They're, you know, really understandable and oftentimes coming from a place of desperation at being seen and heard. Like, if I can just get you to understand how much I'm hurting, then you'll come to me, then you'll change, then you'll behave differently. And it can be so upsetting when that doesn't work because obviously we then tell ourselves, well, you don't care. So what can we do about this kind of fight? I think a really good starting point is not having those conversations unless you've got the time and space for them. So really getting an opt in from your partner. Do you have time to talk about X thing? So you're not kind of ambushing them when they are in the middle of something or when it's not a good time, when they're then likely to get kind of uncomfortable and restless and impatient with the conversation because they weren't in the headspace to have it in the 1st place.
[00:15:07]:
And so I think being respectful of their time and energy when you're having these conversations rather than just launching into something when your partner feels kind of backed against a wall, because that's going to naturally lead them to want to find the exit and then that's going to trigger you. So being respectful at the outset and finding a mutually workable time to have conversations, I think is really a good rule of thumb in any relationship. I would also say, hey, you know, if your partner does start to get restless, agitated, start to kind of pull away or withdraw or start to come up with these reasons why they can't continue the conversation rather than jumping to accusation or blame, maybe say, okay, I understand that when would be a good time for us to finish this conversation off? Because it's really important to me. I know that you've got to do x y zed thing. Maybe you just need to cool off and that's actually really valid and sensible. I would say remembering that there is no point in pushing through a conversation when 1 or both of you are really dysregulated. And that's really hard for the anxious partner who just wants to, like, pull those through at all costs until you find your way to that resolution. But when you're both kind of worked up in your own way, you're very rarely going to find yourself to a genuine kind of resolution to that conflict.
[00:16:23]:
You're not able to hear or see each other. So, respecting that if your partner is needing to pull away from the conversation, that that's actually probably sensible and wise and giving them the space to go and regulate with the caveat of, okay, what do I need out of that? What do I need in order to feel comfortable with you taking that space? Well, I need some assurance that we're gonna revisit this. Tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna come back at some point and you're going to get what you need. And as a little footnote to that, very sensible for you in that time apart, if you do take that space to go and regulate yourself as well, rather than just, you know, sitting on your bed crying and rehearsing what you're going to say to them, because that's only going to get you more and more worked up. Okay. The 3rd and final fight that you've probably had, I'm sure I could have done an episode without 50 of these, but I'm going to leave it at 3 for today is around love languages.
[00:17:18]:
So I've done an episode of on the love languages before and I've mentioned it here and there. If you're not familiar with the term, I'm sure most of you are. But basically that we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love that are most natural to us, that we give love, show love in those ways, and that we perceive others actions as loving. We feel really love when people demonstrate their love in particular ways. And so for anxiously attached people, I mean, I always kind of joke that I think like anxious people can identify with all of the love languages almost because they tend to really want to express love and to have love expressed towards them. It's almost like this bottomless pit of expressiveness around love and affection and care and desire in both directions, but particularly words of affirmation being like given a verbal reassurance that you are loved and cared for and, you know, getting compliments, those sorts of things are likely to really feel very nourishing and reassuring to the anxious partner. Physical affection is another big 1. And so what we often see in anxious avoiding couples is once again, we tend to have quite different love languages.
[00:18:29]:
So for more avoidant folks, you'll tend to see less of those direct shows of affection, like words of affirmation, their physical affection, physical touch and more kind of action based things. More, we might say indirect acts of service, quality time, gift giving as well can be 1 for for avoidant folks. So what you might see and, you know, a common fight that you might have had is around these differences in love languages. So for anxious folks, you probably want your partner to be more expressive to say, I love you more to say, like, you know, you mean so much to me or you look beautiful or, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you or these sorts of things. Right? Just like getting that verbal reassurance. And you probably don't get heaps of that. From most avoidant partners, that's probably not gonna come naturally to them, being so openly expressive about their feelings towards you. And so they might not be very heavy handed on giving out compliments or or, you know, giving out those words of affirmation in terms of endearment, probably not their thing.
[00:19:31]:
And so you might have had some sort of conflict around that. Likewise, you know, around affection, you might reach out and, like, hold their hand and they might pull their hand back. You might give them a hug, and they might kind of stiffen in your arms. They stand there and then pull away, and that might feel very rejecting for you, understandably. On the flip side of that, you might find that more avoidant partners really wanna spend, like, quality time together. And for them, you know, quality time is likely doing activities together, doing new things together, like being out in the world together. And they might get quite restless, The idea of just hanging out at home together, for example, you know, not doing anything novel or exciting, kind of being in a bubble together is probably not gonna meet that need. And so you've probably had some variation of conflict around these different ways of showing love.
[00:20:21]:
And oftentimes, it will be the anxious partner. You can see a theme here. Often the anxious partner is the 1 I don't wanna say initiating the conflict, but I suppose expressing the the need or the sense of lack or the sense that there's an issue that needs addressing. And that might be around, like, you never tell me you love me or you don't even find me attractive or those sorts of things. And when an avoided partner hears that, particularly if they've been making an effort to show love in their own way, so via acts of service, via, you know, spending time together, they're likely to hear that as just like, oh, nothing I do is enough. Right? I try and do all of these things, and you're just over here telling me that I haven't done that thing or haven't done enough of it. And you're asking me to do something that doesn't come naturally to me. And for avoidant people, there's this real sensitive point around, I don't wanna have to do something where I feel forced.
[00:21:19]:
So I don't wanna have to pretend to feel something that I don't feel. I don't wanna say something that doesn't feel sincere or authentic. That feels kind of scripted and awkward to me, they're likely to have a bigger version to things like that. I don't want, you know, engage in physical affection that feels unnatural and and uncomfortable. So, recognizing that there is this aversion to doing that which doesn't come naturally for their point of partner. It's very much out of their comfort zone, and they're likely to be very resistant to it, which is why they're, you know, more inclined to stick to their more comfortable ways of showing love. But you may well have had some conflict around expressions of love and love languages. Now what to do with that, I really recommend if if that is you, then going to listen to the episode around love languages.
[00:22:07]:
From memory, we also cover love languages specifically in the secure together course that I mentioned earlier. I mean, you know, how to navigate those. But I think once again, we have to give our partner the benefit of the doubt on both sides. Like, what's the most generous interpretation of this? And that's not gonna be, well, my partner just doesn't give a shit about me. They just don't care about me. Can I find my way to a more generous interpretation? Can I try to reorient myself from this really strong negative bias to seeing, you know, how my partner does show up for me and making sure that they know that, making sure that they feel really acknowledged again on both sides? And because the more we shift to that kind of culture of appreciation and acknowledgment, the more safety there's going to be and the more likely we are to be able to then take risks because vulnerability doesn't feel so frightening. If we're in a culture of blame and accusation and attack and defensiveness, vulnerability is a really big ask against that backdrop because we feel like we're in constant self protection. So if you can find a way to shift that culture, shift the relational environment towards something that is more positive, and appreciative, then you may just find that your partner is more willing to meet you in the middle or take those risks, step out of their comfort zone because you've created a really secure foundation for them to do that.
[00:23:31]:
Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful for you. As I said, I hope that you felt seen validated maybe by aspects of those. And even if it's not a carbon copy of those exact fights that you might you know, see aspects of yourself and your partner or maybe an ex partner in the dynamics that I've spoken to that can sit underneath those surface level fight. So hopefully that's given you a little bit more compassion and empathy for your partner and also some greater conscious awareness about what drives your own triggers and so that you don't just have to do a rinse and repeat of those painful arguments that tend to drive you further and further apart rather than bringing you closer together, which is, of course, what we're trying to do. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on that kind of conversation, Secure Together is a really great course, particularly so because Joel is kind of co teaching it with me. And so he's there in all of the videos giving the avoidant perspective directly. I had so much beautiful feedback from people's avoidant partners, who've really loved that and felt that it's been really balanced and so has felt less intimidating for them.
[00:24:35]:
It's not just being lectured to by someone who's on team anxious. It's actually really trying to give a voice to both perspectives with a view to helping you understand each other. So, there's a few more days to get 50% off that course if you are interested, and you can do so via the links in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me. So appreciative of you all always, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:25:04]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, conflict, fights, insecurity, building relationships, thriving relationships, conscious awareness, romantic relationships, relationship dynamics, intimacy, fear and insecurity, safety in relationships, attachment needs, protective mechanisms, anxiety, regulation, avoiding conflict, partner dynamics, love languages, words of affirmation, physical affection, quality time, acts of service, gift giving, emotional regulation, relationship communication
#144 Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
We cover:
The importance of managing expectations after a break-up
Why it's normal to miss your ex (without it meaning anything)
Why unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships can be even harder to let go of
Treating moving on as a choice rather than a feeling
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
Breaking up is never easy, but it can feel particularly perplexing when you find yourself struggling to let go of someone who was objectively “bad” for you. This emotional tug-of-war is more common than you might think and, contrary to popular belief, is not a sign of weakness or ignorance. Instead, it speaks to deeper emotional mechanics at play, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Let’s explore why it’s so challenging to move on and how you can work through this bewildering phase.
Emotional vs Logical Understanding
When a relationship ends, the human brain often plays a cruel trick: it creates a conflict between your emotional responses and your logical understanding. Logically, you may very well grasp that your ex-partner was inconsistent, unkind, or otherwise not suited to you. But emotionally, the attachment you formed doesn’t dissolve just because the relationship has.
This dichotomy can be especially pronounced in individuals with anxious attachment. For those who experience heightened anxiety around relationships, the bonds they form tend to be more intense and harder to sever, even if the relationship was fraught with issues. Understanding that this emotional dissonance is normal can be the first step toward healing.
The Role of Habit and Muscle Memory
One of the reasons you may struggle to let go is sheer habit. Relationships often involve routines and rituals that become ingrained in your daily life. Morning texts, evening calls, weekend plans—all of these create a structure. When the relationship ends, so do these habitual interactions, leaving you with a sense of void.
Moreover, emotionally charged relationships often have a kind of "muscle memory." You’re conditioned to think about your partner, worry about them, and even argue with them. When that stimulation is removed, the quiet can feel unsettling. The brain, accustomed to a certain level of emotional engagement, finds the sudden silence disruptive.
The Allure of Familiar Chaos
It might seem illogical to miss a relationship that caused more stress and drama than joy. Yet, for many, there is a twisted comfort in the familiarity of chaos. Dysfunctional relationships often reinforce a continuous cycle of stress and relief. Conflict generates anxiety, but resolving conflicts, even temporarily, provides emotional relief. This cycle can become addictive, making the emotional highs and lows hard to relinquish.
For some, being in conflict still feels better than being alone. The connection inherent in heated exchanges or reconciliations feels preferable to the emptiness of separation. Recognising that a dysfunctional relationship can still offer a perverse sense of security is crucial in understanding why letting go feels so tough.
Reframing Moving On: Action Over Emotion
The journey to letting go is often hampered by the belief that moving on should be a feeling rather than a choice. People say, “I can’t move on because I still love them,” and thus wait for the feeling of having moved on to arrive. However, this misconception can prolong your suffering.
Moving on is more about making deliberate choices and taking specific actions, rather than waiting to feel differently. Just like exercise, where motivation may come after you’ve already started working out, taking steps toward closure can eventually foster emotional relief. Setting new routines, seeking new social connections, and investing in personal development can initiate this process.
Practical Steps to Letting Go
Here are some practical steps to help you move forward:
- Limit Contact: Reducing or eliminating contact with your ex can help you rewire your habits. This includes social media checks and casual texts.
- Create New Routines: Fill the gaps left by the relationship with new hobbies or activities. This introduces new forms of joy and structure in your life.
- Reach Out for Support: Engage with friends, family, or a therapist to discuss your feelings and receive guidance.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that it’s normal to miss someone and that these feelings don’t invalidate the reasons for your break-up.
- Focus on Personal Growth: Take this time to reflect on what you want and need in future relationships. Break the cycle of past patterns by understanding and reworking them.
The Importance of Self-Kindness
Above all, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, asking why you can't seem to move on. Instead, understand that this is a deeply human experience. There’s nothing wrong or weak about feeling attached to someone who wasn’t good for you. It’s a part of navigating relationships and growing from them.
By compassionately confronting your feelings and taking proactive steps towards a healthier future, you'll find that the struggle to let go lessens over time. It’s in the ongoing process of nurturing yourself, rather than the rush to move on, that true healing occurs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself struggling to let go of past relationships, even when you know they were not healthy for you? Reflect on the emotions and thoughts that arise in these moments.
How does your attachment style influence your feelings post-breakup? Do you notice any patterns or tendencies that might be contributing to your struggle with letting go?
Steph mentions the concept of “predictability in chaos.” Can you relate to finding a sense of safety in a tumultuous relationship? How has this impacted your ability to move on?
Have you ever mistaken missing someone for a sign that you should get back together? Reflect on why these feelings might be misleading and how you can reframe them.
What are some practical steps you can take to support yourself through the process of moving on from a breakup? List a few specific actions and consider how you can implement them in your daily life.
Consider the idea of moving on as a series of actions rather than just a feeling. How can you apply this mindset to your own healing process?
Reflect on a time when you felt an impulse to check up on an ex-partner. What emotions were driving this behaviour, and how can you redirect that energy towards self-care?
Journal about the role of self-compassion in your healing journey. How can you be kinder to yourself during this difficult phase of letting go?
Do you find yourself orbiting around the idea of your ex-partner, even long after the breakup? Explore ways in which you can shift your focus back to your own growth and well-being.
Stephanie talks about the importance of reframing your story from one of powerlessness to one of agency. How can you reframe your own narrative to feel more empowered and in control of your healing process?
Feel free to use these prompts for journaling or group discussions to deepen your understanding and reflection on the themes discussed in this episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am talking about why you struggle to let go of someone even when you know they're not good for you, so to speak. So this is a very, very common conundrum, particularly for folks with anxious attachment, although I don't think that it's exclusive to anxiously attached people. I think that the letting go of someone, irrespective of whether we logically know that the relationship, the connection is not right for us, whatever that might mean. You know, it's something that we all can fall prey to, that we can all struggle with to varying degrees. Although I do think that those among you who identify with anxious attachment will experience this in overdrive. And as we'll talk about, that's normal and makes perfect sense.
[00:01:20]:
I spoken many times before about, you know, why anxiously attached people tend to struggle with breakups. And this really falls into that same category. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode, but hopefully one that gives you some reassurance if you're in this situation, if you're struggling to let go of someone, some reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and it's not something that you need to overthink. Of course, easier said than done, for all of my overthinkers, if only it were as simple as me telling you to stop overthinking. But really, it isn't something that you need to try and make sense of because so much of the time, these things that we're trying to apply a rational lens to, they are experiences that are inherently irrational in that they are deeply emotional. And so oftentimes it's not a matter of making it make sense, but actually just making peace with the fact that it doesn't make logical or rational sense. And it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and continuing to take steps forward without trying to solve it or make it go away.
[00:02:29]:
Because I think that's where we can get ourselves really stuck and devoting so much more energy to something that we're actually trying to move away from or let go of. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before I do, just a reminder that you can still save 50% on my master classes and courses, I think for the next week or so. I'll see. I'm going to be taking that down soon, maybe at the end of June. So you've still got a little bit of time to jump in, but not much. So if you're wanting to save 50% on any of my master classes, of course, is particularly with today's topic around letting go of someone. If you're in that situation, I'd really recommend you check out higher love, which is my breakout course.
[00:03:08]:
Hundreds and hundreds of people have gone through this course over the past couple of years, and it always gets really incredible feedback. People saying that it was instrumental in helping them not only kind of heal from their breakup, so to speak, but take steps towards a future where they feel much more confident and sure of themselves and, I suppose, self trusting that they're not going to just repeat the same patterns in the next relationship. And that's a big part of the course is getting clarity around that and kind of breaking those patterns so that you can do things differently next time rather than just doing a rinse and repeat. So you can save 50% on any of those with the discount code, hey, baby, if you're interested. And that's all linked in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about why you struggle to let go of someone when you know that they're not good for you. Now, as I said, very, very common experience.
[00:03:55]:
So normal. And as I've spoken about many times before, if you search breakups within this podcast, there's heaps of episodes on it that you can go back and binge listen to if you feel so inclined. But really, breakups are meant to be hard and breakups are meant to pull you in different directions because you've got all of these conflicting drives. And just because a relationship ends, you're not going to suddenly stop loving the person. You're not going to suddenly stop having feelings towards them or feeling attached to them. You're not gonna stop expecting to see them in your day to day life or speak to them. All of these things that are so habitual and that you have so much muscle memory around, for them to just evaporate overnight is a really, really challenging experience at the best of times. Right? Now, when someone is not good for you, whatever that might mean, I think we'll just assume for the purposes of this episode that we're talking about, someone who maybe didn't treat you terribly well, maybe was flaky or inconsistent or just the combination of your attachment styles or whatever else, like what you each brought to the relationship meant that it was high drama, it was tumultuous, it was conflict ridden and you felt really unseen and all of those things that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with.
[00:05:17]:
I've certainly had my fair share of that kind of dynamic in the past. So why why would that be hard to let go of? I think we can feel it doesn't make sense. As I was saying in the introduction, we can have this sense of wouldn't it be easier to let go of that person? Because rationally, logically, I know that that relationship was unhealthy and that they weren't good for me, that I felt distressed and sad and anxious most of the time in that relationship. So shouldn't I feel relieved now that I'm not with them anymore? Why do I feel like I miss them? Why can't I stop thinking about them? Why am I obsessing over what they're doing and who they're seeing and how they're spending their time and whether they miss me and whether they're thinking about me? Why do I still care so much when deep down I know that it was dysfunctional? And I think that, again, we really have to be so kind to ourselves and cut ourselves a lot of slack there because you're not like uniquely broken or desperate or pathetic for having that experience. It's actually extremely normal. And I think that, again, when we've had any kind of relationship end, but particularly one that has been really high drama, we have all this energy that we're used to devoting to the relationship, and we've probably really raised our baseline level of activation and stress around relationships. So when the the war is over, so to speak, and we're just left standing amongst the rubble, it can feel extremely disconcerting. And all of those drives to like check up on them and try and see what they're doing and try and control them in some way, That's probably just residual patterns of how you acted in the relationship.
[00:06:56]:
Right. You wanted to always be in conflict with them because for a lot of us, like conflict, at least we're engaged in conflict. And that connection that I get from fighting with you in a weird sort of way feels a lot safer to me than the silence and the disconnect. And so when you're then in the wake of a relationship ending and there's just nothing, you're just in the void, that can feel extremely uncomfortable. And it might not be conscious in so many words that you're making sense of it in that way. But that's often what's going on, is that you'd rather be in in the drama and in the chaos than in the silence and in the void without them. And so when you've been calibrated to that level of drama and chaos with someone who you know is not good for you, then your drive to pursue that, and often that will come out as overthinking about them obsessing, scrutinising, looking on their social media, playing detective, talking about them incessantly When you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that, when you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that attachment, around that person, around that relationship. So just recognising that what you're experiencing is a very normal response because, again, we can't really expect to go from, like, fully invested and and particularly when you've been in a relationship that has been stressful and on its last legs.
[00:08:27]:
Again, with anxiously attached people, the tendency is to just keep upping the ante in terms of how much energy you are putting towards the relationship. So you've probably neglected, like, every other aspect of your life, and you were consumed by it. Right? You're thinking about them all day long, or maybe you were trying to talk about the relationship all day long, but, like, really doubling down on trying to hold on, trying to get them to see you, see your perspective, to agree with you, to see how much they were hurting you so that they would change all of these patterns. And so when the heat just keeps rising and rising and rising and then it all goes quiet, that's a very uncomfortable experience. And so the what you're experiencing is why can't I let go of them is really like your system, just having this big hangover and not knowing what to do with the space and the separation and the lack of oversight, the lack of knowing what they're doing, not having that that tether to them when you've derived a lot of safety from that, even if it felt really dysfunctional and chaotic, There was a safety and a familiarity in that for you. There was a predictability in the chaos, and now you are left in the void and that can be deeply uncomfortable. So just normalising that experience and validating it, I realised that doesn't necessarily make it easier, but hopefully, will allow you to not feel like there's something wrong with you or that there's something that you need to solve for there or that you need to make meaning out of. I think this is where so many people fall down after a break.
[00:10:03]:
I was like, oh, I miss them. That must mean something. That must mean that we should get back together. So off I go, I'm gonna text them, and I'm gonna ask to see them and have one more conversation, and try one more time because if this were the right thing, I wouldn't be feeling this way. And while that's a really understandable kind of way to make sense out of it, I think that's often misleading because it's assuming that the missing them is unusual in some way or that it wouldn't be there if the relationship if it were really meant to end. Whereas, I think if you go into a breakup expecting to miss them, irrespective of what the relationship was like, knowing that it could be the most dysfunctional relationship in the world, and you're gonna have little moments of loss and grief, and that's completely normal as you kind of figure out the next chapter. I think that way you can kind of be a little more prepared for those moments if and when they come up and you you don't spiral quite so dramatically. So if you're in this situation and you're having this this thought of why can't I let go, then what I'd really encourage you to do is for starters, drop that story.
[00:11:18]:
So stop saying that over and over. Why can't I let go? I can't let go. It has this kind of powerlessness baked into it that I don't think is very helpful to just keep telling yourself that, oh, my hands are tied. I can't help it. I can't help texting them. I can't help calling them. You can. And I think you just have to say the more honest thing, which is it's really uncomfortable for me to be in this no man's land, to be in this in between space of not really knowing what the next chapter of my life looks like, but not being in that last chapter where even though it was dysfunctional and I didn't feel very good in the relationship, there was still a sense of identity and purpose that I derived from that.
[00:12:02]:
There was still a familiarity. There was still a predictability even in all of the drama. So be honest with you can stop yourself from doing it. It's just really uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and it's going to take some time for you to know how to navigate that. And that's really where you might have heard me say before, we really have to reframe moving on after a relationship ends from a feeling to a choice and an action. People say, I can't move on. I still love them, so I can't move on. And I think if you're waiting for moving on to be a feeling, oh, I just have to sit at home on the couch until I stop loving them.
[00:12:42]:
You're going to be waiting a really long time. Now, that's not to say that you can't have a wallowing period. I actually really encourage it in my higher love course. I have a little exercise for you where you just devote 10 minutes a day to wallowing and crying and doing whatever you need to do. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel those things, but to balance that with taking decisive steps forward and really supporting yourself and taking good care of yourself and kind of deciding that you're gonna write the story of what comes next rather than really dwelling in this place of passivity and self pity and woe is me and nobody's ever gonna love me. I don't think that that's a good place to hang out for too long, And you really do need to trust that if you take steps towards moving on, you take action towards moving on, then the moving on as a feeling kind of follows the moving on as an action or a set of actions. So in much the same way that we don't wait to go to the gym until we feel really motivated, we decide to go to the gym because we know that that's in alignment with our values. And even if we don't feel like it, we know that the feelings will follow, will feel better afterwards, will feel better while we're there even.
[00:13:55]:
And so we we take the action even if we don't have the feeling at the outset. Same with something like meditation. I think that a lot of the time people say, oh, I'm too distracted to sit down and meditate, and and that might be exactly why you need to sit down and meditate. Right? Because you're too distracted. So recognising that we can make choices and take action even if we're not feeling the way that we wanna feel, often us feeling good about ourselves, feeling supported, feeling optimistic, trust that you can do things, you have agency around that, And that those feelings of, of hope, optimism, confidence, self worth will often be a result of the actions that you choose to take. So if you're in that situation, struggling to let go of someone who you know isn't good for you, just know that it's a very, very common one. But there are so many things that you can do. And starting with just letting go of that story and taking little baby steps towards self care, being really kind to yourself, and taking good care of yourself rather than just orbiting around them, fixating on them after a breakup.
[00:15:12]:
Recognise that that impulse is really normal, but you don't have to follow it. You can still take aligned action in the direction that you wanna go and that you know you should go. And as I said, if you want some extra support and more specific guidance with that, definitely check out my Hire Love course, which is 50% off at the moment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
on attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, letting go, relationship breakups, healing, overthinking, emotional experience, irrational feelings, personal growth, Higher Love course, self care, conflict in relationships, relationship advice, relationship coach, breakups, relationship dynamics, self worth, moving on, self trust, personal development, attachment styles, emotional attachment, breakup course, relationship guidance, relationship patterns, romantic relationships, emotional health, Stephanie Rigg.