#105 How to navigate being newly single in my mid-30s? I feel like I'm out of time
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
We’ll cover:
Grieving a future you thought you would have
The opportunity for reframe
Comparisons to other people’s lives
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code PHOENIX for $150 off the Higher Love Course
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid-30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniergg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self confidence and our self worth self esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely check that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid-30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenties and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long-term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is the grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards-looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long-term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white-knuckle it through, but it's probably a short-term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to-do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlight reel and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well-being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into scarcity and into fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course, we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid-thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co-creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course, we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid-30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question-asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to check out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
#104 The Importance of Separateness in Relationship
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
We’ll cover:
Wanting to close the gap and be closer
Advice for how to reset and nurture separateness
Things to do to focus on your own self-trust and security
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about the importance of separateness in relationship. So again, for people who tend more towards anxious attachment, separateness is a big part of the growing that we do on the path to greater security. And figuring out where that balance lies of togetherness and separateness can be really, really liberating and can allow you to access much more peace and internal security in your relationship in a way that allows you to really trust that you're okay on your own. As I've talked about so many times before on the show, it's really easy to have the story and the belief that you need your partner in order to be okay and that anything that threatens the connection or the relationship feels incredibly distressing and leads to all of those anxious attachment. Typical behaviours of how do I close the gap, how do I get us back into connection, because anything other than that sends me spiralling.
[00:01:35]:
And of course, you don't need me to tell you that that's a really challenging way to live. I know that you know that. And so I think one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to cultivate greater confidence around separateness while in relationships. So being really comfortable in yourself and having a clearly differentiated sense of self and cultivating more of a practise around being alone and doing things by yourself so that you can really stand on your own 2ft and feel like you are in your relationship from a place of choice rather than a place of need and desperation. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this today, including some sharings of my own experience with this, which is ongoing, but something that I found to be really, really fruitful and really a positive impact on my relationship in more consciously and deliberately choosing space and separateness as a way to actually foster greater intimacy. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just sharing the featured review for today. This was quite a long one, so I'm going to snip it a little.
[00:02:49]:
Thanks Stephanie, for the enlightening and safe service you provide to help guide us through new and old territory. I'm so glad that I found your show at a time when I'm navigating new terrain with a new kit bag of tools that gives me insights to understand myself in challenging yet sensitive ways. Thanks for giving so honestly and intuitively. It's like you're following my new relationship life from afar. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so honoured to hear that it's been such a source of safety and support for you. And if you want to send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, if that was your review, my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses. Okay, so let's talk about separateness in relationship.
[00:03:30]:
Now, as I alluded to in the introduction, for most of us who tend towards more anxious patterns our default is to avoid separateness to gravitate towards closeness, the closer the better and wanting that proximity as much of the time as possible without veering too much off topic. You may have heard me say before that this makes a lot of sense in the context of the anxious attachment, origin story and blueprint which is I feel really, really good and safe when we're connected. But I can't trust in the reliability of you being there when I need you. And so I cling to you and don't want to let go because I don't know that if we're apart that we will be able to come back together when I need you. And so the anxiously attached person has this aversion to time apart, to separateness, to space in relationship and a strong preference for togetherness and particularly in any sort of stress. The overwhelming urge will be how do I close the gap? How do I seek proximity and how do I reestablish safety for myself via being connected to you? And of course, there's an element of very primal human drive in that that's not in and of itself a problem to be solved, but it can be taken to extremes. And again, you don't need me to tell you that being completely reliant on connection with someone and needing to be with them all the time in order to feel safe can be really stressful and vulnerable. Not in the way that we really want, not the type of vulnerability that we're trying to foster more, the vulnerability of powerlessness and feeling very out of control, feeling like we are at the mercy of someone else to determine whether or not we can feel okay on a moment to moment basis.
[00:05:30]:
So a huge part of the work in cultivating greater security as someone with anxious attachment patterns is figuring out how to have this differentiated sense of self going what if this is me? And what if this is you? And what if this is us? And knowing where those lines fall and actually being really comfortable in selfhood, in going yeah, here are my values, here are my needs, here are my preferences, here are my opinions, here is who I am as distinct from you. And being really comfortable in holding that and being with that and advocating for yourself from that really grounded place, that is such a big part of it. And that's why I speak so much about self worth and self trust and self respect. It's all self centred, quite literally, because for the anxiously attached person there is such a disconnection from self. And so that is where a lot of the rebuilding work has to happen first and foremost. And so this concept of separateness I think that when things are hard in relationship and today's topic is really I suppose it's broad advice but it's particularly useful when things are feeling strained in your relationship. And that's really the area for me where I have put this into practise and seen really great ripple effect for my relationship is think when we are in a long term relationship we can get really cosy. And that's something that's very beautiful about long term relationships, is that they get safe and they get comfortable and at the same time, we can just be really in each other's physical space, in each other's emotional space, in each other's energetic space in a way where we just start to feel really blended and enmeshed with each other.
[00:07:22]:
And again, while there's some beautiful cosy aspects to that, it can also feel a bit stuffy sometimes. And when we add to that any sort of stress or strain, if we have relationship challenges that we're actively working through and the domain of the relationship feels bogged down in the heaviness of that maybe you've got recurring conflicts or areas that you're trying to improve and you just feel like you're having the same conversation over and over and over again. And it's just like the whole tone of the relationship gets really weighed down by all of that. For the anxiously attached person, the impulse is in those times of stress and strain to get even closer. Right? And I get that that's my impulse as well. But what I've actually found and the advice that I've since given to a lot of other people who've similarly found this to be very liberating and effective is to fight that impulse to go further in and actually do the opposite. So when things feel really heavy in the relationship, can you actually infuse some separateness? Can you oxygenate the relationship and see what happens from that place? Because I think it can be a really powerful reset at a time when we're otherwise just like all in each other's space and energy and the claws are in and we're really bogged down and it just feels really heavy. So what might separateness look like now? Of course there's extremes of taking time and space apart, taking a break.
[00:08:59]:
That's not really what I'm talking about here. Although that may be what you choose to do and that may be fruitful for you. I said that I'd share a bit about my experience with this. So earlier in the year, my partner and I were I wouldn't say going through a rough patch, but we were working through some stuff, and it felt heavy at times, and it felt like we were dragging ourselves back. To the dining table every couple of days to have these big, heavy, emotional conversations in a way that just really felt like it wasn't really connected in a way that felt nourishing, it was like we were connected through this pain that we were working through. And what I noticed for myself in that is that when things are hard, I just become obsessive about it, and I devote so much time and energy to thinking about what my partner's doing wrong or what he needs to be doing differently or all of the pros and cons of the situation. And it becomes all consuming in a way that, for me at least, I don't think is helpful because it's just like, it occupies so much space within me that it becomes magnified. Right.
[00:10:08]:
The issue itself just becomes like, oh, this is global, and it's catastrophic, and it's urgent, and I've got to find a solution, and from that place, I can get very controlling and get very just really stressed. And so what I decided to do for myself was to kind of just let go. And again, this is not natural, right? It's not easy if you have anxious attachment patterns that tell you that's the last thing you need to be doing when things are hard, that's when you need to amp up your controllingness and make sure that you can steer the situation in the direction that you want it to go. But what I did was the opposite of that. It was like, okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop pulling you up on this thing. I'm going to stop hovering over you and making sure that you're doing what you said you were going to do and being accountable and stop dragging you into these big conversations. I'm actually just going to focus on me.
[00:11:05]:
Okay, so what do I need? What does thriving and well being look and feel like for me at this point in my life? And how can I really invest in that? Because the more that I devote this energy into trying to fix my partner, fix my relationship, control, it really takes me away from that, and it subtly reinforces the message that that's how I create safety for myself, that being okay is something that I derive from my relationship being a certain way. And that's not again, it's not a very empowering place to be. It's actually very disempowering because it's like kind of banging my head up against a brick wall and then becoming frustrated and blaming my partner and all of that stuff. Right. I'm sure we've all been there in various expressions in various ways. So practically, what did this look like for me? I booked a trip, which I'm going on in a couple of weeks. I'm going to a retreat in Europe on my own. My partner also booked and went on a retreat by himself to the States.
[00:12:11]:
And I started focusing on all of these other things, like, what can I be doing to take care of myself, to nourish myself in a way that is not about controlling my partner or trying to fix and problem solve my relationship. So really focusing on exercise and health and healthy habits and just really, how can I go all in on myself in this period of time, in this period of my life when things feel hard and trusting that from that place there's really nothing bad that can come of that, right? Again, it's not the impulse. The impulse is to focus on the other person. But the real medicine is often in focusing on ourselves and going all in on ourselves. Because not only does that take some of the heavy energy away from the relationship and alleviate some of that burden that's in the relational sphere, but it'll never be a bad outcome from really backing yourself and taking care of yourself. Because even if things don't get better in your relationship, how much better off are you for having invested that time and energy in yourself? You're much more likely to then be able to stand on your own 2ft and go, you know what? No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. Because look at this really rich and beautiful life that I've cultivated. And that's not to say that this is a stepping stone to your relationship ending.
[00:13:30]:
That's not the objective and it's certainly not my personal experience. My partner and I are still very much together, but it has lightened things a lot and it has allowed us to really appreciate each other more because we're more deliberately creating lives that aren't completely enmeshed. So giving ourselves more opportunity to do things separately, to have separate interests, to take trips separately, all of those things. It's like, oh, we're giving each other an opportunity to miss each other. Creating that oxygen in the relationship and also being reminded of why we love each other and why we're choosing each other is I think that I was saying this to a client just yesterday. It's like if the only thing keeping the relationship intact is control and gripping and that really heavy, bogged down energy of like, we just have to keep working at this no matter what, in a way that feels really like sinking your claws in. That's not really a nice energy to be in relationship from. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be in relationship as two people who have a sense of wholeness and integrity and are actively choosing each other.
[00:14:45]:
Not from a place of frantic, desperate need, but from a place of really grounded, embodied, loving openness, of I love you. I'm here because I want to be here and not because I'm terrified of the alternative. And I think that cultivating separateness is a beautiful way to reach that point. And if it doesn't go that way, if you have more space in the relationship and you feel like that leads to the relationship changing or ending, that's okay too. Because that's just revealing the truth. Of what was there. And that's, I would say, the best outcome to realise that in that space and separateness, that maybe it wasn't working or it wasn't what you wanted. That truth already exists.
[00:15:29]:
It's just obscured by all of the stress and the fear at the moment. So if that's where you land in having this separateness, then so be it, right? That's probably a liberating truth to really land upon. So I hope that this has given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, it's, as I said, the opposite of what you want, but it's a really, really beautiful practise and it's something that you can play with in really minor ways. As I said, you don't have to take a break, you don't have to be really drastic, but just bringing even some more awareness to it. How much separateness do I have in my relationship? Or have I just become fused with my partner in a way that, of course I feel completely dependent on them and terrified of not having them if I've come to navigate my entire identity via them and us. So having a clearly demarcated sense of self and a deep self trust of, like, I have the capacity to create a beautiful life no matter what's going on in my relationship, whether I'm in this relationship or not. Of course I can love my partner and I can choose to be in my relationship and commit to that, but it's not my lifeline, it's not this sense of panic and terror at the idea of not being in my relationship.
[00:16:45]:
Because, again, that is a really reliable way to self abandon. And to lose yourself in partnership is to feel like, if I'm not with you, I'll die. And that can be the underlying script of a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, grateful if you can leave a review or a rating, share it with someone who you think might enjoy it or benefit from it. All of that really helps so much and I'm so grateful for you. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:17:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or it's Stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.