#103 How to Help a Partner Struggling with their Mental Health
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
We’ll cover:
Monitoring your “fixing” the situation
Ways to support someone and yourself
How you can be a balanced supportive person
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener’s question of how to support a partner who's struggling with their mental health. So I think that given the prevalence of mental health challenges, there's a good chance that all of us will encounter this situation in some form at some point in our lives, if we haven't already having to be the support person for someone that we really care about. And I should say at the outset, this listener question was in the context of a romantic relationship. But most of what I'm going to share today could be applied to any relationship, whether that's a friend, a family member or someone else.
[00:01:08]:
But most all of us will be confronted with the situation of having someone that we care about who's going through a hard time and having to navigate all of the conflicting feelings and boundary struggles and the push pulls that can come with that. Because, spoiler alert, that can be a really complicated emotional terrain to try and navigate. We can feel immense worry and concern and care and really want to be able to help someone, but maybe also feel frustrated by them not taking the steps that we think that they should be taking or them not making progress at the rate that we would like. Wondering whether we should be holding out hope for things to change. Juggling wanting to be sensitive to the ways in which they're struggling against the very real impact that's having on us and concerns that we have in that department. There is a lot of really conflicting stuff that goes into that kind of dynamic. And while today's episode is not going to give you the solution or give you total clarity over what to do, if that's a situation that you find yourself in, I'm hoping that the discussion will at least give you some markers. Things to look out for, things to be aware of, and maybe some permission slips in terms of how you can care for yourself in that dynamic and how you might navigate setting boundaries with someone who you care about but who's going through a hard time.
[00:02:39]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share today's featured review, which is longtime listener, first time reviewer. I've been listening for over a year now, and I've shared with friends, family members and partners alike. I've also begun re listening to old episodes when I find myself repeating unpleasant patterns. This podcast has dramatically influenced my approach to relationships for the better, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you for that beautiful review and for your longtime support. I really appreciate it so much and I'm glad that the podcast has been a supportive resource for you throughout the past year, but throughout different seasons and different relationships, I really do appreciate it so much.
[00:03:20]:
So if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierieg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you, I should say my Building Trust Masterclass, which I held last week, is now available for purchase on my website, The Recording. And so whoever's review gets read out, you can choose from that, in addition to my other three Masterclasses that are available. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how to support someone who's struggling with their mental health. And I do want to just frame the discussion with a few disclaimers, as I am known to do, but I think for something that is delicate like this, it's important to get clearer around what we are talking about and what we're not talking about. And what I'm not talking about today is any specific diagnosable mental health condition that's outside the scope of my work and it's not my area of expertise. So please know that I'm not giving specific advice around how to manage someone with X condition. And really the focus of what I'm going to be sharing today is not on them, but on you. Because as much as we can hold the intention of how can I best support someone, I think it's really, really important to make sure that you are best supporting yourself and not losing yourself to that dynamic.
[00:04:41]:
And this is particularly so if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment patterns because you probably don't need me to tell you that your default mode, your starting position is to forget yourself and to really orbit around someone else's needs. And that can go into overdrive. When the person that you care about, the person that you love, is in need and is suffering, that can really activate a lot of your fears, a lot of your patterns and wiring around. Caretaking not only from the point of view of really wanting to help someone, but also because it can feel really destabilising for the person that you are in an intimate relationship with, who you rely upon, who you depend on to be unwell and to be struggling. Because that will most often take you out of connection in some way. And it can feel like for as long as they are in that state, your relationship is threatened in some way or is impacted and that makes them unavailable to you as a supportive present partner. So it is really challenging, undeniably. As I said, I think we will all experience this at one point or another and of course, to varying degrees, again, as I alluded to when I'm giving disclaimers around this.
[00:06:02]:
There's a huge spectrum of mental illness or mental health challenges and that can vary in severity by a huge margin. So I think the overarching message that I want to give someone who's saying, how can I support my partner who's struggling with their mental health, I think you have to get really clear around the allocation of responsibility, and this is true for relationships more broadly and figuring out what healthy interdependency looks like. But I think that having clarity around what is within my control and what is appropriately mine to be responsible for and what sits outside of that ambit of control and responsibility. Because, again, when we're worried about someone else that we care about and we're worried about the impact that that has on us, it's really easy to overstep that line and to try and fix it again, it's not something to be ashamed of, I'm very guilty of this. It's something that I still have to monitor in myself, because not only all of my skill set, my personality, my attachment patterns, but also my family system has really conditioned me into being the fixer and the one who goes and takes care and kind of launches in when someone's in need or someone's struggling. And how do I make that better for them? But I also recognise what that has cost me throughout my life, to be in that self appointed role of making everyone's pain go away. It's a really easy way to lose yourself and I think underneath that, there can be a real sense of resentment or unfairness or injustice, because we end up feeling like, who's going to care for me? What about me? And I've certainly had that internal dialogue when I've been in that carer role in my relationships. It's like I spend so much time focusing on you and how I'm going to make you better and stabilise you, and there's a part of me that's terrified and lonely and worried of who's going to be that for me.
[00:08:06]:
So I think that recognising as a first port of call, the importance of figuring out what you are responsible for, which is you and the way that you show up and how you take care of yourself in that dynamic, your own boundaries, I think that's a really important first step. And it's not going to be easy because, as I said, every urge within you, if you tend more towards anxious patterns of caretaking and managing other people and their emotions, will be telling you to roll up your sleeves and get in there and fix it. But that comes at a cost. So I think having some clarity around that and practically speaking, I think what that can look like is it's not a pendulum swing to the other extreme of not being caring, not being helpful, not being supportive, not being available and leaving someone to their own devices and saying, this is not my problem. Again, that tends to be bouncing between extremes and that's not what we're trying to do here. But I think saying something along the lines of I can see that you're really struggling and that makes me really sad or It really hurts me to see you like this, please let me know how I can support you, full stop. I think that most of us go how can I support you? And then someone says I'm fine. And we go no you're not.
[00:09:21]:
And we keep pushing and pushing and pushing. We don't really accept someone's limits as they've been articulated to us because we think we know better. And even if we do know better, even if our way might be healthier or more adaptive or whatever, I think it's a slippery slope to go down to bypass someone's what someone is telling us about whether they want our help and kind of barge through and try and help them indirectly or influence them indirectly or change them. Fix them, solve their problems. Usually that won't be welcome and then we'll be frustrated that they're not grateful for the help that they didn't want. So I think that that's kind of step one is like figure out what a balanced version of being a supportive partner, friend, family member, whatever situation you're looking at. What is a boundaried way of being available and supportive without rushing in and being the crisis emergency response person who just tries to fix everyone's problems and makes that your responsibility. The second one, which is also really around boundaries and taking care of yourself and this is where it gets really tricky.
[00:10:37]:
If someone's behaviour arising from whatever mental health struggles they're experiencing is unsafe in any way or is hurtful harmful, causes you pain. And again, please to be clear, I'm not talking about abusive situations. That is again outside the scope of my work. And if you are in that situation, I really encourage you to seek appropriate support. But short of that, if someone is just really disengaged, lacking in presence, unable to offer any connection or support or interest or presence, they're just not really being in a relationship that goes both ways. I think that there are conversations that need to be had around what you need in order for the relationship to feel viable and sustainable. And this brings up a lot of stuff, right when I was speaking about it in the introduction, those conflicting feelings of guilt but also resentment. I feel bad that I'm really unhappy in this relationship because I can see you're genuinely having a hard time.
[00:11:47]:
But equally, I can't just be in a relationship that's totally one sided with someone who's not really there in perpetuity, with no end in sight. And those are really challenging feelings to be with and to own. So I think that the original question that was asked had a follow up which was my partner won't go to therapy, how do I help them? How do I make them go to therapy? How do I make them do something? And I think that's where we can start to say to someone and I've said this to my partner, my current partner is like, I love you. I'm in this. And there are certain things that really don't work for me that I really need to know you're taking seriously and that you're working on so that I can trust that we're on a certain trajectory and that these recurring challenges that arise in our relationship from your mental health struggles, your anxiety, your struggles with managing stress. If you don't do anything about that, nothing's going to change. Of course. Right.
[00:12:58]:
I think that's just trite to say that if we're having struggles in any area of life and we're not changing any inputs to the system, it is irrational to expect any changes to the outputs, changes to our experience. So I've said that to my partner. It's not a threat, it's not an ultimatum, but it's just saying in order for me to feel comfortable continuing in this relationship, I need to have some assurance of what you are doing to support yourself in these areas where your struggles impact our relationship in a way that doesn't really work for me. And so being able to have those direct and frank conversations that are really framed in love and care, it's not hanging someone out in the cold. It's just saying, like, this is what's true. I love you, and I'm here to support you in any way I can, but here's what I need in return. And I think what that conversation looks like will again vary. There are a million different contextual factors that will determine what that conversation looks like.
[00:14:01]:
If you've been together for two months, it's going to look very different to if you've been together for ten years, if someone's having a depressive episode for a few weeks, versus if there's been real prolonged, extended, severe mental health struggles if someone is medicating, there are so many variables. So of course, everything that I'm saying is very much principles rather than directives that will be applicable to every situation and every variation on this. But really having those clear boundaries for yourself around what I'm responsible for and what I can control and what I can't, and then having clarity on what would allow me to feel comfortable that this is being managed in a way that I can feel safe and they kind of go hand in hand again. In my own relationship, my ability to not take responsibility for what my partner has struggled with, that was facilitated by knowing that he was getting help elsewhere. So it's like, okay, if you're going to therapy, then I don't feel like I need to step in and be your proxy therapist. If you've got a group or you've got a this or that, like if you've got support systems and you're being proactive about managing whatever it is that you're experiencing that gives me the comfort of things are happening. And it's not my responsibility to monitor that. It's not my responsibility to micromanage that.
[00:15:29]:
I don't need to take control. I don't need to take responsibility because I can trust that you are serious about this and you have the self awareness and the recognition and you are taking those steps to support yourself. And I think that really creates the safety of, okay, I can step back, I can focus on, I can stay in my lane a bit more without having to step into yours and try and take the reins because I don't trust in your capacity. So I hope that's been helpful just to give you something to think about again. I know I've said it ten times already in this short episode, but this is not going to apply to everyone, or at least you'll need to adapt this to your specific situation. But I hope that those principles have given you something to think about. And I think that those really will and should apply across the board these principles of figuring out where an appropriate allocation of responsibility sits in a way that allows you to really take care of yourself and prioritise your well being, not overstep and not get into that controlling micromanaging mode, which ultimately tends not to work because you just feel like a failure if things don't go your way and the other person feels like a failure because they feel like they're disappointing you and letting you down and also setting those boundaries for yourself. So what would I need in order for this to feel safe and sustainable for me? What would progress look like? What would support look like in a way that I can get comfortable with in order to continue in this relationship, notwithstanding the struggles that you're having.
[00:17:04]:
And also the corollary of that is ensuring that any behaviours that are harmful are really clearly there are very clear boundaries set around those in a way that doesn't allow them to continue despite the underlying challenges that the person might be having. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, so grateful. If you can leave a review or a five-star rating, depending on where you're listening, it all adds up and is very, very helpful and I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
#102 Break-Up Q&A: No-Contact, Reconciling, and Guilt
Ever wondered about the right way to navigate a breakup or considering reconciliation? Welcome back to 'On Attachment', where we unravel the realm of relationships, heartbreaks and new beginnings.
We're talking no-contact periods, emotional upheaval, and even the possibility of rekindling things with your ex. It's a tough road to tread, but we're here to walk you through it.
Ever wondered about the right way to navigate a breakup or considering reconciliation? Welcome back to 'On Attachment', where we unravel the realm of relationships, heartbreaks and new beginnings.
We're talking no-contact periods, emotional upheaval, and even the possibility of rekindling things with your ex. It's a tough road to tread, but we're here to walk you through it.
This episode will help you understand the necessity of space in healing, the art of breaking up without causing undue suffering, and the benefits of diversifying your support system.
But it's not all about goodbyes. We're also diving into the unpredictable waves of reconciliation. We'll guide you on understanding the reasons for your breakup, creating an action plan for success, and managing the disapproval from your inner circle. The journey to change isn't just about willpower, it's about working on yourself in meaningful ways. So, get ready to get comfortable with the discomfort and join us in building healthier, thriving relationships. Tune in, and let's grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
In today's episode, I am answering breakup questions, so I'm going to jump through a few different topics that are drawn from questions I've received from people in my Instagram community all around the topic of breakups. So it's been a while since I've done a combined Q A, but I think breakups is one of those areas where I always get a truckload of questions anytime I put the call out on Instagram. And so I thought that I'd combine several into one to be able to give you a little bit more breadth of support. If you are going through a breakup or you've been through one recently and you're looking for some advice, So we're going to be covering no contact periods.
[00:01:13]:
The idea of when and whether it's a good idea to think about reconciling with an ex, and what to do if you feel like you need to break up but you don't quite know how. So that's what we're going to be covering today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review for today, which is this resource has been a game changer for our relationship. Stephanie, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad to hear that it's helped you to make real changes in your relationship. That's always very heartwarming for me to hear.
[00:01:46]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanie.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into these breakup questions. So the first one is, tell me more about no contact periods. How long should they be? When are they needed? Do we always need a no contact period? So for anyone who isn't familiar with this term, I mean, it's fairly straightforward. It's not the most cryptic of terms, but a no contact period is essentially after a breakup, the idea being that it's a good idea to take some time apart and take some space from each other and ideally, not be in contact during that time. Hence the name no contact. Go figure. Now, why is this something that so many people will advise, myself included? I think that in a lot of cases, staying in contact and in frequent communication in the wake of a relationship ending is likely to be confusing, even if intellectually rationally, you can wrap your head around why that might be.
[00:02:50]:
Emotionally, it keeps you tethered to this person in a way that might soften the blow in the short term and allow you to feel some relief from the grief and the loss and the confusion and all of the feelings that come with a breakup. But that relief comes at a cost, right? So the fact that you get some relief by staying connected to the person that you are grieving means that eventually you're going to have to do that work. And I think that the longer we stay in touch with someone, and particularly if the contact we're having is going back and forth and saying, I miss you and I don't know what to do without you and I'm so sorry and starts to get a bit emotionally mixed in terms of the messages, I think that can really prolong our pain and the time that it takes us to actually let go and move on. So of course there are a million different versions of this situation and I recognise that structural factors will prevent a no contact period for a lot of people. For example, if you live together, if you have shared assets that need to be divided, if you have kids, if you have pets, there are many reasons why a no contact period might not be appropriate for your situation. But in the absence of those things, I think that as hard as it is, it's usually a good idea to take at least a few months, if you can, to just turn your focus away from the other person. Away from the relationship and do your own work of grieving and healing and figuring out who you are and what your life looks like without it being about you, the couple and tending to them. I think relatedly, if you are playing the role of emotional support person to each other with respect to the breakup, that is going to be equally confusing and it really prevents you from decoupling emotionally in a way that will allow you to move on.
[00:04:53]:
So as hard as it is, I think recognising that you need to be diversifying your support system away from your ex partner in most cases, so that you can again figure out what it looks like to have someone. Else in that role, whether it's a friend or a family member or a therapist, but not leaning on this person who you've decided to no longer be in relationship with for whatever reason. I think that that will just confuse your emotional system in a way that doesn't ultimately help, even though it does provide some short term relief. So I think having a period of a few months and to address the question that I often get from people, which is, okay, it's been three months, should I reach out to them now? And I think that as much as I understand that if you are counting down to the end of the no contact period so that you can reach out to them again, I think you might be missing the point ever so slightly. So it's not so much about no contact and then all of a sudden we go back into frequent contact. It's giving myself the time and space to recalibrate my system and focus on me and my life. So it's not like, oh, I'm just watching the clock until the time runs out and then I can go back to talking to them all the time and pleading with them and telling them I miss them. If that's where you're at, then it might mean that you need more time and space or you need something else, but it's not so much no contact and then go straight back into it.
[00:06:28]:
So focus more on substance and less on form as far as the no contact period is concerned and go really feeling into what do I need to land on my own 2ft and figure out what this next chapter of my life looks like. And oftentimes having some space from the person we've been in partnership with is a good idea even though it is absolutely very challenging and will hurt and everything within you will be saying that it's a terrible idea, but it's usually the medicine that we don't like the taste of but is ultimately helpful for us. The next question is, is it ever a good idea to reconcile? When is it a good idea to reconcile? A related question I got was how do I go about reconciling when friends and family don't approve? It's a big topic, right? I have done a podcast episode probably close to a year ago now on questions to ask before getting back with an ex. And again, this is an area where there is no one size fits all answer. There are so many different situations that people are in and anytime I give any advice, people go but what about this? And but what about that? Yes, all of that, right? Of course I can't speak to every single situation and the advice that I usually give on getting back together with an ex is it has to be about more than that. You miss each other and you want it to be different, okay? Because when we've had time apart and we tend to have the stresses of the relationship alleviated by the distance and so all we feel is their absence and that hurts and we go, oh, I actually really miss this person. I love that person. I miss watching movies with them.
[00:08:10]:
And I miss when we used to go get coffee and all of the little things that we suddenly feel the lack of very acutely. And we just have this overwhelming urge to reconnect. And we want to believe that all of those things that I was angry about, I don't even care about anymore because I just miss you so much. And of course, that's such a tender feeling, and I understand it, and I've been there. And I think we have to shift into a more wise part of us that can see where that urge is coming from and recognise that in the absence of having done meaningful, substantive work to shift the dial on whatever had us stuck, pure willpower might not be enough to shift it. Willpower and intent and the desire to make change is really important and it's not to minimise that. But if you're both just like, oh, I miss you so much, let's try it again, I'm ready this time. Those sentiments are beautiful and important, but they're not enough without more.
[00:09:14]:
And so if it were me and I were thinking about reconciling, I would need a really, really clear action plan on how it's going to be different, why it's going to be different, what we're going to each do. Differently and how we're going to have accountability to each other and to ourselves on the things that we are no longer going to do and the things that we are absolutely committed to doing. I think without that and without having that really clearly articulated and agreed upon, then it is all too easy to ride the initial wave of relief at being back together, but then slip into the muscle memory of old patterns that we know so well and we just do so automatically. And again, it's not because we don't love each other, it's not because we don't want it to be different, but without really clear intentionality and accountability and a plan to make it happen, it's going to be really hard because the magnetic pull of our patterns is strong. So when is it a good idea to reconcile? When you're both on the same page around what went wrong and how you're going to do it differently and you have a really clear path forward that is going to prevent you from slipping back and that you can both feel really comfortable about? I think the related question of what do we do when friends and family don't approve? It's a tough one. So I think there's something to be said for having boundaries around. If people's judgement is such that it is an unwelcome imposition on what you know is right for you, then you might need to clearly set that boundary and say, look, I appreciate that you are coming from a place of love and care and at the same time, I've given a lot of thought to this and I'm comfortable with my decision. I really would love for you to respect that and to try and be open to it.
[00:11:06]:
That might be one thing, I suppose the other thing, and in the podcast episode I referenced earlier around questions to Ask Before reconciling, one of the questions was do the people who love you and know you very well support that idea or are they staunchly against it? Because I think people who love us and care about us and know the situation, if they are unequivocally telling you, please do not do this, it is a terrible idea. I don't think that we just want to be blindly tuning that out and saying you just don't get it. Maybe they don't get it, but maybe they also do get it and they're seeing something that you're not seeing and they might be seeing reality. Whereas you are attached to hope and wanting and potential and you're driven by the emotion of missing this person and feeling very attached to them. Whereas the people who love you have your best interests at heart and maybe you're able to see things a little more clearly than you are. So I wouldn't totally drown out tune out the advice and counsel of people who really love me and care about me and know me. But equally if you are very comfortable with your decision and you do have additional context that they maybe don't, then you might just have to set the boundary around that. Final question I'm going to answer is I know that it's time to break up with my partner but I feel so guilty about hurting them and I just don't know how to pull the trigger.
[00:12:35]:
And I think that this is something a lot of us will relate to. Again, I've been in this situation as well and I think the really important reminder is we often think that we're being kind to someone by not doing that, that we're saving their hurt. But I really think we're saving our discomfort more than anything. We don't want to feel responsible for their hurt. We don't want to feel like the bad guy, we don't want to have kind of like their hurt on our hands or our shoulders. And so we just avoid and we persist in dynamics where our heart's just not in it anymore. And as much as we feel like that's the kind thing, it's actually not. Because leading someone on kind of dragging them along in a dynamic that you know has an end date and you're not really in it for the long haul.
[00:13:30]:
You're wasting their time, you're wasting your time and they're going to have to face that hurt and upset sooner or later if you really know that the relationship isn't for you. So I think that you kind of just have to rip the band aid off and of course you can do so lovingly and in a way that is honest and kind and doesn't need to exacerbate hurt. And I think that oftentimes making ourselves available to have a conversation in a direct way rather than letting it get really bad before we break up, I think that will actually liberate them far more than just letting it fester and kind of dragging them along, leading them on. I don't think that that's as kind as you might be telling yourself. I don't think that that is the selfless thing to do, even though I have no doubt that it is coming from a good place in you in wanting to avoid that really big hurt. Trust that they'll be okay. And in any event, if that's what's going to happen sooner or later, then that's what you need to do. So I think go have the conversation.
[00:14:38]:
Be honest, be loving, be kind, be respectful, but don't prolong the pain longer than you need to. Okay? So that was a breakup. Q-A-I hope that that was helpful, and do let me know if you enjoy that format where I jump between a few questions. I receive so many more questions than I ever have the opportunity to answer, and I do file them all the way. So I have a screenshot folder on my phone with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of questions. So if you do like this format of kind of a mixed bag of questions on a topic, let me know in the reviews or feedback on Spotify or send me a DM on Instagram and let me know, and I'll be sure to schedule a few more of these episodes in. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a five star rating or a review. Share it with the people in your life.
[00:15:26]:
It all helps so much, and I'm so grateful for your ongoing support, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.