Navigating Long-Distance Relationships: Tips & Pitfalls
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
We’ll cover:
Why it’s normal and natural to struggle with long-distance
How attachment dynamics can exacerbate long-distance challenges
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about navigating long distance relationships. So how we can best approach a long distance relationship, whether it's for a period of time or whether it's a longer term arrangement, and unpacking some of the ways that you might alleviate the challenges of that dynamic and also talking about how certain attachment patterns might play out in a long distance setup. So this is far from her comprehensive deep dive into what is a very big topic with a lot of nuance and obviously the long-distance thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:10]:
You know, there's such a spectrum of ways that could look and different circumstances and, you know, different people with different dynamics and different challenges in their own relationships, so I think long distance can magnify some of the things that might already be present and may exacerbate some of the challenges that a relationship is already experiencing. So take what I'm going to share today as a very general overview I am going to see if I can get a friend of mine who is an expert in this. She's another relationship coach, and she did long distance herself for a long time and teachers on this. So I might see if I can get her as a guest on the podcast to go into this in a little more depth in detail.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:54]:
But I'm hoping that for today, we'll be able to cover why long distance can feel challenging and why it makes total sense that long distance would feel really challenging. And some of the things that you can think about doing, if that's a situation that you're in, to alleviate some of those stresses.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Next week, I am running a live master class on building trust. So we're going to be talking about self trust and trust in a relational context. And, you know, that'll include a lot of material actually don't know how I'm gonna cover it all in the 90 minutes that I've allotted, so we may go over time. There will also be an opportunity for Q and A with me at the end. and the master class will be recorded, and you will have access to that recording. So if you are someone who struggles with self trust, And, you know, you have a bit of a trust wound that you're aware of that drives some of your patents in relationship. I'd really love for you to come along. and learn with me and others how we can build more inner trust and that relationship with ourselves and then carry that into our relationships in a way that allows us to feel a sense of safety and groundedness and confidence in advocating for ourselves and our needs.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:16]:
2nd quick announcement is just to share the feature to review for today, which is I stumbled upon this podcast and so relieved I did the first 20 minutes into an episode. I felt like Stephanie knew what I was feeling thinking and struggling with. It's reassuring to know we're not alone in our struggles and that there are beautiful souls like Tiffany who generously share advice and tools to help others feel better. I'm grateful for your podcast and wisdom. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for you and your kind words of support. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast at stephanierig.com. and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And that can include the Building Trust Masterclass if you would like to come along and join us next week. So just shoot an email to my team, and we'll get you all sorted. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around long distance relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:03]:
So I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset what is probably obvious, which is that long-distance relationships are hard work. They require a lot more effort and intention than a relationship where you are in the same place, whether living together or living in the same town or city, proximity does a lot of the heavy lifting and allows us to, I suppose, be comfortable in not having to really put in a lot of effort into seeing each other and making the time. Of course, that will vary on situation to situation. But I think that with distance, we are immediately required to really carve out that time and space. There's no complacency in a long-distance relationship because I think that it will wither very quickly if we aren't putting in additional effort to really stay connected sense. And I think that recognizing, you know, even if you're not someone who really values, you know, physical closeness, there is so much unspoken intimacy in proximity and being near each other. And I think that you know, a lot of our connection needs are met just via that proximity even without anything more than that. So when we Take that away. Of course, we are going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting and put in a lot more effort than would otherwise be needed if we were just in each other's company and space all the time and had the comfort of that, you know, circumstantial sort of intimacy and closeness. So starting by recognizing that long distance is going to be challenging.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:47]:
I've been in a long distance relationship myself, a period of time. It was in our entire relationship. And it was really challenging. We, I think, just naturally felt less connected and less involved in each other's lives than we were used to. And it's really easy, I think, to drift when you're in that space, and to maybe take each other for granted rather than really putting in that time and effort and energy into staying a part of each other's world in a really active way. So recognizing the challenges of it. And then I suppose the additional layer that I alluded to earlier was in an anxious avoided dynamic or if we're looking the overlay of attachment patterns on what is already a challenging starting point. If you lean more anxious, Of course, we know that uncertainty is hard. Distance is hard. Feeling out of control is hard. Feeling like you cannot reach your partner. whether literally you can't get in contact with them, or there's some sort of block there that you can't feel fully connected to them. You can't really feel them. Your jealousy can be a real trigger for a lot of anxious folks. not really knowing where you stand, not having that clarity. All of these things are challenging for anxiously attached to people at the best of times. And we know that, right, we know that those baseline tendencies and sensitivities are there, and we can see how they might be exacerbated by distance. on the other side, someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns, in my experience, avoidant folks tend to do better with out of sight, out of mind. And I don't mean that to say that they don't care about you if you were in long distance, but they're probably not feeling the absence or the distance as acutely as you are if you have more anxious patterns of really, you know, that those proximity seeking behaviors as a way feel safe. So an avoidant leaning person is likely to be more able to compartmentalize such that they can go about their daily life with that distance and not be overly bothered by it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:07]:
And so we can have this situation whereby you're really having a different experience of the long distance arrangement, and I think that that can of itself creates some tension because the anxious person's going, you're not even having a hard time. You don't even care about me. this isn't even hard for you. You don't even miss me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:26]:
All of these stories that are coming from the pain of separation. And, obviously, like, we know how that can go. We know that that can exacerbate those dynamics by starting to kind of attack each other or push or protest. And, you know, maybe the person on the other side not being terribly well placed to validate that pain or I'm feeling like, you know, they get defensive because they feel like they're being attacked when they haven't done anything wrong. So what do we do with all of that?
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:54]:
I think it's really important to understand that for some people, and I suppose this is a bit of a permission slip, you don't have to be okay with long distance. for me, at this point in my life, it is not something that I would be open to because it would not allow me the level of intimacy and closeness and, you know, day to day connection and support that I desire. And so it's okay to know that about yourself.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:35]:
Of course, it is easier to know that about yourself as a starting point and be able to decline to continue in a dynamic or or to pursue, I should say, a dynamic with someone where that would be case from the outset. Right? So, for example, if you met someone and you lived in different places, you could say I'm not gonna pursue that connection because I don't wanna do long distance. That's a simpler version. Right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:50]:
Of course, it is harder if you're already in a relationship and something changes structurally such that you are going to have to move to long distance from togetherness. Again, you don't have to be okay with that. and you might decide that it is too much for you. If it is really acutely painful, you might decide that that isn't gonna work. and you might, you know, decide to enter the relationship or take a break for such period of time that you are going to be a part or you might decide that you wanna give it a go because you value the relationship enough and you see a future worth investing in. And so you decide to do long distance for a period of time, or maybe it's even, you know, an open ended thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:37]:
But I think having clarity for yourself around what you are open to and what you would need in order for that to feel sustainable. And checking in regularly with yourself and with each other, so that you can keep taking a pulse on that on how am
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:52]:
I feeling? Is this working for me and not feeling like you need to justify that because, as I said, permission slip, it is really hard, and it's not for everyone. And if you are someone who's really, really anxious, It might just be too much for you, and and maybe that's okay. But having a level of honesty and self awareness, self responsibility around where are my limits and kind of tuning into yourself and going, is this working for me? I'm now gonna move to giving some tips on how to make this work if it's the situation that you are in or you are about to embark upon. And so these are really, you know, if you're in a long distance relationship, how can you stay connected and how can you make the most of the situation that you're in?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:44]:
The first one is kind of structural and, of course, and this won't be possible for everyone, but I really do think it helps if there is an end insight. So I think that for most people having indefinite, open ended, long distance is gonna be really challenging, and that makes sense. It's hard to know what your future looks like together if it is a serious relationship one that you're both serious about. It's hard to see how that is going to work in a way that's ever going to feel you know, structurally compatible if you are planning to live apart forever. Again, not everyone, and there will be people who make that work. but that's gonna be a small minority of people and for the vast majority of people, there's gonna wanna be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:33]:
So it might be, oh, for the next 12 months work means that we're gonna be in different cities. Absolutely fine. Right? you can kind of go into that with the mindset of this is gonna be a challenging period, but then there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think if you've just got, you know, month to month rolling, open ended, long distance, with no ability to really talk about the future or what happens on the other side of that, that can feel really stuck.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:55]:
And I think it can feel a bit overwhelming, and you might feel a bit powerless if that's the situation that you're in. So I think in an ideal world, there would be a an end date, at least a kind of broadly agreed or a theoretical end date to the long distance period. Short of that, And in addition to that, you know, even if you do have an end date, I think that having very regular plans to be together. So to see each other is a really good idea, and that makes it much more doable in the short term because you have something to look forward to. So say you've gotta be long distance for the next 18 months because of work, but you've got in the calendar every month or 6 weeks or whatever that you, you know, one of you will travel to the other or you'll both travel somewhere, but you have something to look forward to and the actual time apart is not gonna be that full, you know, 12 18 months or whatever period of time it is. you have these shorter horizons, these little milestone moments that you can really look forward to. And I think that in having that, you actually have an opportunity to plan that and to connect through your joint excitement to see each other. And you might take that as an opportunity to you know, plan a really exciting little trip together, or even if you're just visiting each other where you're living, making an occasion out of it so that it really does feel special and feels really connective when you do have that opportunity to come together. So having ideally a bookend at the, you know, the end in sight for the long distance, but also having those shorter horizons of when you're next gonna see each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:42]:
I think it's a really good idea.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:44]:
The next tip that I wanna give you is to create rituals connection. So, of course, I've just spoken about actually having time to come together and see each other and be in each other's company, which is really important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:56]:
But on a day-to-day basis, you are gonna need to find ways to feel connected to them, notwithstanding the distance. So that might mean, you know, a morning text every day or, you know, face timing while you're eating dinner or maybe you've watched a show together I've known friends in the past who are long distance, and they would, you know, watch the same movie on Netflix, and they'd FaceTime at the same time. So it feels like they were watching it together. or, you know, you might play, you know, an online game together or any number of things that can feel like there's this bond and this tether that keeps you feeling close to them despite the distance. I think that that's really important to have things that are little things. So you know, like a morning text, like everyday stuff, and then maybe bigger things. So maybe on Friday nights, you you know, have dinner and you cook the same recipe and you zoom or something. But having these things that feel like rituals that you both really prioritize and honor and look forward to and respect and cherish.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:00]:
That's gonna help both of you to feel not only connected, but prioritize. and, like, the relationship is being prioritized. And I think that that's really important as well. Sort of related to that is you need to find ways to feel involved in the other person's life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:27]:
So I remember when I was doing long distance, and this was probably 8 years ago now, I was studying on exchange in Singapore, My partner at the time was doing his masters in the UK. And so we were both, you know, we were obviously in different countries, but we were both away home, and we were both in these new environments, and we had all of these new friends, and it was all very exciting. but it meant that we didn't know any of the people that either of us were building these lives with, like, even though it was short term, my partner didn't know any of my new friends that I'd made, and I didn't know any of his. And so when we'd talk even though we were speaking regularly, we'd be talking about our day, and we didn't have any context for each other's lives. I didn't know the places that he was going on a day-to-day basis. And so it was all very high level in terms of what we were sharing with each other just because we didn't have that level of familiarity with the other's world because it was all very new. Now if you do know each other's world. So if one of you is, you know, if you're both home and you've been to each other's homes and you're hanging out with the same friends and going to the same places, that's gonna be easier because you have more context to understand you know, what they're up to and to feel like you're almost there through their descriptions and accounts of what they've been up to. But if there is some level of newness about the situation such that you don't have that context, you're gonna need to find ways to kind of really let each other in. And maybe that means giving more detail in storytelling than you otherwise would, because you don't have the luxury of that shorthand. of just, you know, I went to the cafe with, you know, these two people that you know really well, and I can tell you the story about them without having to give all of the backstory. I think that when we're a part and particularly, as I said, when there's a new environment, so if someone's gone and taken a job overseas, They're gonna have to really invest in getting you up to speed with who their new colleagues are and what the boss is like and what they do for lunch all of those things that will allow you to kind of have a picture and feel kind of involved in their life. Otherwise, it's really easy to just feel very connected and very far away. and, like, you don't really have much, you know, insight or connection with what your partner is up to and and where their life is at, and that can be a really hard feeling to be on either side of. Okay. And the last tip that I wanna give you for navigating long distance is this goes without saying, but communication is so important. So it's really normal to have you know, bumps in the road for the connection to ebb and flow when you're apart. And as I said, you just don't have the luxury of proximity, you know, to keep the tanks sort of from drying up. I think that just being around each other gives us, like, a base level of connection. And when we take that away, it's much easier for things to feel a little fractured or bumpy or disconnected. And so being able to bring that to each other and to share what we're feeling in a way that, you know, you're both really committed to making it work and finding ways to prioritize each of your needs, find solutions that work for both of you, that really needs to be a very clear and open channel of communication because I think that if you internalize that and you don't want to say anything because you don't want conflict while you're apart or, you know, you don't wanna jeopardize what time you do have to talk to them, talking about heavy things, all of that, I can totally understand. And at the same time, it's probably not going to help for you to be bottling up any concerns you have or feelings of loneliness or sadness or disconnect and you're much better off bringing those to your partner and finding some sort of way to navigate that that works for both of you. So don't shy away from being honest about how you're going and how you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:20]:
I think that is always important in relationships, but especially so, when you're in a season of being a part and really needing to go above and beyond in order to nurture that connect and that trust and that, you know, sense of togetherness despite the distance. So I really hope that that has been helpful for anyone who is in long distance, who is considering exploring long distance for whatever reason, or maybe if you've been in long-distance relationships in the past and, you know, you've felt bad about it not working or it feeling hard or wondered why you couldn't quite make it work. maybe this has given you a little more clarity in hindsight as to where you might have struggled and why.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:06]:
As always, I'm super grateful for anyone who can take a moment to leave a review or a rating. It really does help so much. share it with the people in your life. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys.
Speaker D [00:21:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five-star rating. It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Stop Taking Things So Personally
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
We’ll cover:
Why you might take things personally
The link between people pleasing and taking things personally
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is episode 100, very exciting, we are talking about how to stop taking things so personally. So this is something that I know a lot of people really struggle with. And I think there can be a tendency to be really hard on ourselves and to experience this taking things personally as something that's wrong with us, that we need to change about ourselves. Because that means we are overly weak or fragile or emotional in a way that we perceive as being wrong or in need of changing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:05]:
And so I'm going to share some thoughts on taking things personally, why we might do that, what might be the underlying drivers or wounds of that, and offer you some reframes so that you can maybe depersonalise people's behaviour. And depersonalise situations and prevent yourself from participating in that really unhelpful storytelling that so many of us do, where we make ourselves the centre of the universe and suffer as a result. But also some more nuanced shifts that allow you to hold both things to really honour what you're feeling in response to someone's behaviour, while not taking that additional step of adding to your suffering by making it all about you. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements, as I said, celebrating that this is episode 100 of the podcast. This podcast was launched in April of 2022 and has been released weekly with no breaks, I don't think, or maybe a quick break in January this year, but has been very much a labour of love for me each. Week to join with you in having these beautiful, important conversations. And it is a real honour for me to be able to help you on your journeys.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:23]:
I know there's so many of you on every corner of the planet. When you look at the stats for this show, it really is very wide reaching and I do feel incredibly lucky to be able to do this work. And so, so very grateful for all of your ongoing support in following the show. Subscribing, sharing, listening every week. It is very, very humbling. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for that. A second quick announcement is that I am holding a master class in a week or so. I'm just trying to do the math on when this episode will come out, but I'm holding a master class on building trust, so this is going to cover both self trust and relational trust.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:12]:
And again, you will have heard me speak about this whole piece around trust on the show in both of those contexts, building up our capacity to be discerning, to know what is right for us and to act in accordance with that, but also to navigate trust wounds in a relational context and rebuilding trust where that trust has been breached or broken. So it's a really important conversation and workshop and it has been a long time coming, but I've finally put it in the calendar, so if you're interested in that, do sign up. It's a live Zoom masterclass and there'll be a recording for anyone who can't join Live, so definitely cheque that out if that is something that interests you. Finally, just to share the featured review for today, which is this review is not only about Stephanie's podcast, but about her Healing anxious attachment programme that I took a couple months back. I was going through a breakup after five years of toxic relationship and if I had to choose one resource to help me at that point, it would be Stephanie's work. I'm in awe of the amount and depth of material this podcast and the programme complement each other so well. But if you can do just one, it won't be long before you notice a tremendous change in mindset and subsequently the quality of your life for the absolute better. I'm forever grateful.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:27]:
Stephanie, keep up the good work. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad that the podcast and the course has been a great support for you in that time and that you are blossoming into the next chapter as a result. So sending you lots of love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses and you can choose to come along to the building Trust Masterclass Live, rather than having one of the recorded Masterclasses if you so desire. Okay, all of that out of the way. Let's dive into this conversation around how to stop taking things so personally. So, as I said, this is a really common topic of conversation with people in my community, on social media, with clients, with students.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:12]:
It's definitely a recurring theme, but this particular episode was inspired by a question I got from someone on Instagram saying, how do I not take it so personally that someone ghosted me? And it really made me reflect, because while I think a lot of common advice would be just move on, write it off, don't worry about someone who ghosted you, they don't mean anything. I think in some respects that kind of bypasses the validity and the truth of the feelings, right? We can go straight to the rationalisation process of like, I shouldn't let this person who I don't even know affect me that way. But I think that to adopt that approach, actually, if anything, adds to those emotions, because it's kind of coming in with shame and saying, I shouldn't feel the way I do. And so, as I was reflecting, I thought to do a podcast episode on it, to unpack that a little and to add some nuance, as I foreshadowed in the introduction. And so whether it's Ghosting or whether it's you're in a relationship and you have a tendency to personalise your partner's behaviour, I know that I can still do this from time to time. Certainly that is my muscle memory is to personalise. If my partner is being moody or I perceive him as being impolite or abrasive or short tempered, it's really easy for me to make that about me and to get really indignant and go, how dare you? Don't speak to me like that. And to really fight back, even though his behaviour is really not about me and his emotional state is not about me, it's really easy for me to make it so and for me to tell myself the story that his emotional state or his mood is a personal attack on me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:08]:
And this is where the nuance is important, right? Because it's both. We're allowed to feel affected by things, and particularly if you're in a relationship. But frankly, even if you aren't, even if it is someone you're just dating or seeing casually, you are allowed to be affected by things. And it's not helpful to fight against the fact that you may or may not be affected by things emotionally and to just say like, oh, you just let it wash over you, it doesn't matter, it's just not being with reality. So I think that to acknowledge like, yeah, I'm affected by this. Another example that I got recently was someone saying how can I not take so personally when the guy I'm seeing has to work late and has to cancel on our plans? He always makes an effort to reschedule. And I know it's not about me, but I get really hurt and take it personally. And I think that again, it's like you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:05]:
But where we can come into a bit of trouble is where we then go, okay, this person had to cancel on me, or this person's in a bad mood, or even this person goes to me or this person rejected me. And we take that and we take the initial feeling of hurt or upset or disappointment and then we go that additional step and we make it a shame story. We go, it's because I am not good enough. It is because I am unworthy. It's because they're taking advantage of me, it's because they don't respect me. And that's where we get into trouble. That's the kind of taking things personally that we really want to watch. Because I think that is where our wounded parts, where the neuroticism in our mind will start to take us down a path that ultimately fuels whatever.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:56]:
That painful feeling is something that I teach in my breakup course higher love is to really want to actually be with those primary emotions, but try not to make them personalised emotions, try and stay with what I term situational emotions. Like, I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm frustrated with the situation, I have grief towards that, but I'm not going to let that become I'm feeling deeply ashamed and unworthy and making it about me in a really essential, fundamental sense. Because, again, that tends to be where we spiral and where we really internalise other people's behaviour as being about us. And I think that that is really where we struggle. So all of that to say, in this effort to not take things so personally, what we want to look at is what am I making this person's behaviour mean about me? And so for a lot of us, that will be in the vein of Unworthiness, that will be some sort of story that's traceable to Unworthiness. And oftentimes I think that that is coming from the same part that wants to people please or wants to make other people happy all the time, wants to be the peacekeeper, wants to work really hard to make the relationship perfect, wants to be in control all the time. And so to the extent that we don't succeed in that, whether there's a rupture or things don't go the way that we wanted them to, we feel like we've failed. And we then take that sense of failure as a personal failure and as meaning that if I've put all of this work into making you be a certain way towards me or trying to ensure the outcome that I want, that makes me feel good and safe in this relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:58]:
If that doesn't happen, then not only am I disappointed, but I feel like a failure. And I feel like there must be something wrong with me or I must fall short of the mark for you to be behaving in the way that you're behaving. Because I've put so much effort and energy into trying to control you and us and everything, the conditions surrounding our relationship to deliver the outcome that I wanted. Right? And so when we start to peel back the layers of this taking personally, we see that all of those tentacles that we've spoken about, a lot of control and fear and manipulation and people pleasing and striving and proving, all of those things are lurking underneath the surface. So it's usually not just I'm hurt by your behaviour, it's I'm making that mean that I am not good enough or I have failed in my mission to make you be or act or do what I wanted. And I think that that's really where it can go, to that next level. So rather than just beating yourself up and going, oh, I shouldn't take this so personally, oh, why am I so pathetic for being upset, this upset when they cancelled? Why am I crying? Because they cancelled dinner because they had to work late. What is wrong with me? I think we instead have to turn towards that with a level of curiosity and go, okay, what am I making this mean? What additional stories am I layering on top of the facts of the matter here? And how are those stories contributing to my heightened emotional state in response to this thing? To the extent that feels disproportionate to what's really going on.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:38]:
And I think that when we can venture down that path of compassionate self inquiry, all of a sudden, it's not adding shame into that. More shame, because often there's already shame, but more resistance, more criticism. I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Can you hold whatever it is you're feeling? Ah, I feel really hurt. I feel really let down. I feel really disappointed. I was really looking forward to that, or I was really excited about this person or any number of other things because this shows up in so many different situations. Someone's upset with me and I feel incredibly personally affronted by that because I feel like I made a mistake and that's really uncomfortable for me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:22]:
All of these things. When we start to scratch the surface a little, we can see what's actually there and when we can allow what's actually there to be there and try and stay with the primary experience of that rather than going to these secondary and tertiary stories and layers and meaning making, which is really where we hurt ourselves more. That's where we can start to heal these things and start to reframe and reprogram those beliefs and kind of coach ourselves and cheque those stories go, Is that actually true? Is that really what's happening here? Or is that a story I'm telling myself? And what might be another story, what might be another way of interpreting what's going on here? And how can I support myself in this experience to stay kind and loving and centred and to the extent that there is behaviour involved in a situation that really is hurtful that you really don't feel comfortable with or good about. Then again, as I've spoken to so many times on the show, it's not like you have to go down this path of self inquiry and then just make it your problem and never bring anything to the relationship. It's just that I think once we've metabolised our initial emotional responses and we've gone through that process of reflection and regulation, we can sort of sift through what's really there and get to the heart of it. And to the extent that there is something that needs to be brought to a partner to say, hey, yesterday when you said this or didn't do that, I felt really upset or disappointed or hurt. And I'd really appreciate if next time you'd consider or you'd be open to whatever, when you're coming at it with that energy of recognising what your history and your sensitivities might be bringing to the table while also holding firm on self advocacy and clear communication in a way that's not accusatory and attacking and blaming. It's not a raw, unfiltered, highly emotional version of what you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:51]:
That's really how we can make these changes. So it's not like, oh, I've just got to stop taking everything so personally because I'm too sensitive and I'm too emotional and I'm too needy. That's not going to help you or your relationship because all of those feelings are still there, but you're just trying to push against them and internalise them and bottle them up and I promise you they will come back with a vengeance. So rather than that, I think, tending to them and really being with those emotions, holding them and feeling the discomfort of them, but offering yourself, what do I need? Okay, what do I need in this moment? What conversations need to be had with my partner? How could we do things differently next time in a way that we can meet in the middle? I can get what I desire by way of love and support and connection and they can still be their own person. It doesn't have to veer into that realm of control and demand and accusation and blame. This is really the work of secure relating. It's not just making your stuff your sole problem. I think that that's, again, it can be a bit of a pendulum swing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:05]:
We go from hurling attacks and blame and hand grenades at each other to starting to do this work, and then we can internalise everything and go, oh, I think it's just me, and I'll spend the rest of my life in self analysis and trying to figure out all the answers without ever having to bother someone. I think, as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle ground where we can take responsibility for our part. We can go through those processes of self regulation and tending to ourselves first and foremost, but then still feeling like we can. And indeed, sometimes we should still be bringing things to a partner or a person because it doesn't have to be romantic, bringing things to the table and having conversations that allow for all of that to be there, but in a way that is really grounded and honest and open and loving and desiring a mutually beneficial solution. So I hope that that's been a helpful reframe on this whole experience of taking things personally and the tendency to beat ourselves up over that and maybe judge ourselves as being overly sensitive and recognising, that that can just add fuel to the fire, add more tension to your emotional landscape that's already under stress. So I do hope that that has been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful. If you can leave a comment on Spotify, leave a review on Apple podcasts or a rating.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:45]:
Share it with the people in your life. I do appreciate all of you so much. Thank you for 100 episodes of On Attachment, and I'll see you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:16]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Attachment Styles & Break-Ups
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
Understanding the ways in which attachment drives can shape how we relate to and experience break-ups is essential in finding greater compassion for our own experience, and depersonalising someone else’s behaviour to the extent that they’re processing the transition differently to us.
Use the code PHOENIX to save $150 off Higher Love -
stephanierigg.com/higher-love
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:
At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So
I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:
The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:
There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.
Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.
Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:
And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:
And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:
You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:
And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:
I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:
Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:
And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:
For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:
And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:
They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:
That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:
Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:
That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:
So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Ghosting: Why It Happens & How to Process
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone. Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone.
Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about Ghosting. Why it happens, what to do if it happens to you, how to process it, how to emerge on the other side of that experience without feeling really demoralized, without internalizing that and making it all about you, without feeling really deflated and jaded about the whole process of online dating and modern dating and everything that that can entail when practices like Ghosting are, unfortunately, somewhat common and probably more so than they've ever been before. So I'm going to give you a bit of a pep talk around Ghosting, unpacking, as I said, why people might ghost and what you can do about it to keep yourself intact if it does happen to you.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:16]:
Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Healing Angst attachment is now closed, so you don't have to listen to me telling you all about that for another few months at least. But I am holding a live masterclass in a few weeks time on Building Trust. So this is going to be around self trust and relational trust and will encompass everything that would fall under that umbrella. So building your own sense of self up so that you can stop doubting yourself so much, that you can really trust in your own perception of a situation, trust in your needs and your ability to advocate for yourself. And also looking at the relational piece. So how to build trust if you have a trust wound from a previous relationship, how to rebuild trust in a relationship if there's been a breach of trust. It's going to be very comprehensive on that very big topic and you can sign up for that via the link in my show notes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
This one is, as I said, a live masterclass. It's nice and affordable and you'll get access to the recording as well if you're unable to join Live. So check that out if you're interested. Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie provides an incredible amount of wisdom, comfort and understanding. Her examples of relationship dynamics and behaviours are always so well observed and relevant to coping, whether it's as a people pleaser anxiously attached individual or someone mourning a breakup. Spoiler alert. I'm all three. I've been all three of those as well.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:41]:
Don't you worry. All the topics that Stephanie dives into show that we're not alone and that these are really common emotions. Talking about it allows for healing and a path to more self worth and respect, which we all need. Thanks so much, Stephanie. Continue to follow your wonderful instincts and heart. Thank you for that review. I really do appreciate your very kind words and I'm glad that the podcast has been a support to you. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses, which by the way, you're able to include the building trust one that I said is coming up.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:14]:
You can elect to have that as your free masterclass and come along for free. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around Ghosting, why it happens and how to process it. And I should say this was actually in response to when I put the word out on Instagram asking people to submit podcast topic requests. Ghosting was one that came up a number of times. How do I not go into a self worth meltdown spiral if I've been ghosted by someone and I'm feeling really shitty about it? And I think that it's important to set the scene a little here and say that as always, there are degrees. There is a spectrum being ghosted by someone that you've only ever had online contact with versus being ghosted by someone that you're in a relationship with. I know that sounds wild, but some of the stories that I hear from people who've been in proper several year long relationships with a person and being on the brink of moving in together and then the person just disappears off the face of the earth and ghosts in a true sense of the word. So there's obviously degrees and the advice that I'm giving today might vary depending on where you sit on that spectrum.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:28]:
Obviously, the experience of being ghosted by a relative stranger is going to likely have less of an impact than being ghosted by someone that you're in a fully fledged relationship with and you envisaged a future with. And rightly so in the kind of situation that I just described. So recognising that there are degrees and ghosting can take many forms, but this idea of ghosting so someone is there and then they disappear. They become uncontactable, and they give no explanation. It's kind of unannounced. And it just leaves you reeling, because all of a sudden you don't know what happened and you had expectations and maybe you were really excited about this person. And then all of a sudden that is taken away from you without explanation. So I think when this happens to people who are more anxiously attached and unfortunately, I think that is probably the dynamic is that it tends to be anxious folks on the receiving end because from everything we know about anxious attachment, it's unlikely that you are going to be doing the ghosting.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:34]:
You are much more likely to be receiving the ghosting, which, as I said, is unfortunate, but it just is what it is. If you are someone who leans more anxious and you get ghosted, what's going to happen? Likely that you are going to spin out to be so overcome with questions and needing to find information and this doesn't make any sense. Poring over every single text message and going but they just said this and only yesterday they were responding and we were making plans. And all of that urge to how can I gather information and go into detective mode to try and make sense of this thing? Did I say something? What was it that I said? Were they angry there? They didn't seem angry based on their reply. How can I rationalise this thing that is sending me into an anxiety spiral? And I just want to say that's not on you. Meaning you're a weirdo for responding in that way, right? That's a normal response to unfortunate and hurtful and confusing behaviour. Ghosting is not good behaviour. It's not acceptable, it's not kind, it's not respectful, and it's absolutely understandable that you would respond to that by seeking answers.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:46]:
But the great irony of this, and I've spoken about this before in the context of more broadly, like toxic relationships or really dysfunctional relationships, when they end that they can leave us with so many unanswered questions and just desperate for clarity and closure. And I just need to get in touch with this person and sit down with them so that they can explain to me what the hell happened, so I can make sense of it and make my peace with it and move on with my life, at least in a way that closes the chapter and it feels somewhat resolved. But when it just goes from one direction to falling off a cliff and I feel like I'm standing there looking around dazed and confused, not knowing what happened, that's a really challenging thing for the brain to make sense of and make peace with. I think Ghosting really falls into that same bucket with the added challenge of if someone has ghosted, the likelihood of them suddenly showing up and being available to have a closure wrap up conversation with you. Highly unlikely, right? And people always say to me, if someone ghosts, should you reach out and ask them for more explanation? Should I keep pushing and trying? Should I try contacting them and see why they ghosted? And again, I understand the urge. I understand the desire for resolution. But if you were to zoom out and look at that more objectively query whether this person who did not have the emotional maturity, the emotional capacity, the level of care or respect or investment in you and building a relationship with you to have a challenging conversation in the first place. They weren't able to sit down and say, hey, I'm not feeling it, or, hey, I'm freaking out, or I can't do this for whatever reason, right? The reasons aren't really that important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:39]:
The fact is that they couldn't bring themselves to do that or they didn't care enough to put themselves through the discomfort of having an honest conversation with you in the first place. That is why they resorted to ghosting. And I think in that case it's really unlikely that they're going to turn around and have developed magically the capacity to sit down and have an audit conversation with you where you do a post mortem and they explain themselves in a way that is helpful and allows you to do that emotional processing. So recognizing that Ghosting, while very unskillful and disrespectful is in a funny way its own form of communication, right? This person is telling you everything that you need to know in Ghosting and what they're telling you is I do not have capacity to be in relationship with you. Right? And please take that as a comment on their constraints. And ultimately, and I know that this is easier said than done, try and experience this as a gift because this person has revealed to you what their capacity is and there's a good chance that that capacity constraint would have been a barrier to intimacy at some other point in the relationship in any case, right? Because it's not just the ghosting. The ghosting is the behaviour that springs from that emotional unavailability which is really the core issue at play. And so again, it's not nice.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:17]:
It feels awful and it feels confusing and it really can very easily lead us to spiral into a lot of self doubt, a lot of worthlessness, a lot of shame and humiliation, embarrassment around being rejected. All of those are very normal feelings and hold those feelings. Don't try and make yourself not feel the thing but at the same time recognise that this person lacks a base level of emotional availability that would have allowed you to build something with them. So in a funny sort of way it's probably a blessing in disguise. Okay? Really if this has happened to you, my strong advice and of course, again, take it or leave it. And I know there's a million exceptions and a million iterations of this and of course take what works leaves what doesn't. But I think that if you can take a person ghosting as information and as an unskillful indirect form of communication of their capacity and investment level in you accept that as it is. Don't try and get anything from them.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:30]:
And before reaching out to them to just sometimes people will say, okay, I don't expect a reply but I just want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them how much of whatever they are insert profanity here. And look you can do that if you want, but I think that oftentimes you're going to feel worse for it. My personal view is take the high road. Don't fire off angry texts that are just trying to beat someone down. I know that some parts of us can feel like we're better for it if we tell someone that they're terrible and that they're a piece of work and whatever else, you can get creative with what that message or email might look like. But I think that integrity and dignity and really staying true to our values and true to authenticity and self worth, I don't know that we have to stoop to the level of unleashing on someone and going on a tirade because I think that that is descending to the level of the person who has hurt you. Rather than holding your head up high and declining to participate in dynamics like that, you can tell someone that you're disappointed. But again, I think the golden rule here is if you are going to be hanging out for their reply in a way that is going to destabilize you and consume you, don't send the message.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:54]:
If you think that you can really send any message, whether it's heated or otherwise, and put your phone down and walk away and genuinely feel a sense of closure and detachment after you've done that, then fine, you can do that and that is absolutely at your discretion. If you're going to fire that message off and then be checking your phone every minute of every day for the next three weeks, waiting for their response, and you're going to be checking whether they've been online and checking, checking, checking, because I need to know whether they've seen it and whether they're going to reply, then I don't think that that's advisable. And I think that, you know, deep down, that that is not really helping you to let go. All of that being said, try to honor the emotions that come with this process because as I said, completely normal and natural. It's not a pleasant experience, it is not kind, it's not respectful, and it is normal and natural that you would feel hurt and disappointed and confused and embarrassed. All of those things are very normal, right? But try not to take that leap from those emotions to I'm worthless and this always happens to me because people don't like me and no one's ever going to like me. And all of those stories that really take us from pain to suffering and keep us stuck there, that's my quick Hot take on Ghosting. As I said, I think that unfortunately it's common enough that I hear about it all the time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:18]:
And unfortunately, I think with online dating there is a level of anonymity and a lack of accountability that allows people to just be lazy and be selfish and not be terribly considerate of the people that they are interacting with. But if that happens to you, you can very confidently rest assured that that is not the kind of person that you want to build a relationship with. Again, it's not to say they're a terrible person, but they lack the capacity, they lack the emotional availability and it's better you find that out sooner rather than later, even if it's not under circumstances that we would like as always. I hope that that has been helpful, you guys, and if you have enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review, a five star rating. If you're on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. It all adds up. And I am always so appreciative of all of your support. So thank you for being here, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:10]:
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
How a Fear of Abandonment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
We'll cover:
how it feels to fear abandonment in your relationship
different forms of abandonment (physical, emotional)
relational behaviours that a fear of abandonment can lead to
the link between self-abandonment and a fear of abandonment
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:51.08
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about how a fear of abandonment impacts our relationships. So as I was preparing for this episode, and I put the call out on Instagram for people to submit topic ideas, and a few people submitted the topic of a fear of abandonment and varying questions around that.
0:00:51.21 → 0:01:33.99
And as I was reflecting, it's kind of wild that we're at episode 97. I think this is of the podcast and I've never done an episode specifically on the fear of abandonment. And the reason that that seems a little wild is because, as many of you would know, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of a lot of anxious attachment patterns. And I know that anxious attachment is the experience of many of my listeners. So it's taken a while for us to get here to an episode exclusively on the fear of abandonment, even though we've touched on it in many different settings and many different conversations up until now.
0:01:34.11 → 0:02:29.51
But I'm hoping that in today's episode we can delve into it a little more specifically, looking at how that fear manifests itself, what behaviours it might drive us to, and I suppose talking about less obvious aspects of the fear of abandonment. And for a lot of people, it can be kind of confusing that they might identify with this fear. Given that it would make more sense if we'd been literally abandoned as a child, then that'd be a pretty direct joining of the dots, right? But for most people, hopefully, that hasn't been your experience, and yet this fear can really be very, very intense and profound and can be a very, very strong driving force in your relational patterns. So we're going to be diving into all of that today before I do.
0:02:29.71 → 0:03:20.21
Today is the last episode before doors close for this round of healing anxious attachment. So I think registration closes Sunday night, my time, so that's 48 hours from now thereabouts. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, as I said, I know many of you do and you're looking to make a change and get some support around that, I would really love to see you in the programme. As I've mentioned, I have a VIP offering this time round and that allows you to work directly with me in a small group setting over an eight week period. It's an online community, so you can connect with each other, which is really such a valuable aspect that I think a lot of people overlook having that connection and seeing that other people have the same embarrassing, neurotic thoughts that you do and do the same weird things.
0:03:20.38 → 0:03:58.59
There's a lot of shame that dissolves from having that community connection component. So whether you're interested in the course, in its classic version or the VIP programme with me, either way, I'd really encourage you to cheque it out if you're feeling the pull. As I said, this is the final call before registration closes, at least until later in the year. I'll likely run another round, I think, before the end of the year, but no solid plans yet, so best to jump in while you can. And you will have lifetime access to all the materials, so it's no big issue if you have a busy period coming up and you can't keep to an eight week programme or anything like that.
0:03:58.76 → 0:04:38.40
Okay, let's dive into this conversation around the fear of abandonment. So, as I said in the introduction, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of anxious attachment. We know that, right? And that fear is what, for many of us, drives us to really desire closeness and to really feel a lot of anxiety around distance separation or anything that might feel threatening to the primacy of the relationship. And the other person, when we're in relationship, becomes our safety blanket, they become our power source, they become our anchor, and that really exists outside of us.
0:04:38.50 → 0:05:27.08
I've mentioned before on the podcast, when talking about the origin story of anxious attachment, that a really common theme that emerges across a million different variations and contexts and nuance and family systems is inconsistency. So the anxiously attached child has an overall positive impression of connection and love, but they can't rely on it. So there's this sense of, it feels so good when we're connected, but I can't trust that you are going to be there when I need you. So when I call for you, there is some inconsistency or unreliability in your responsiveness to my cues. And because of that, the anxiously attached child becomes hyperactivated in their attempts at getting and keeping connection.
0:05:27.19 → 0:05:51.97
Because it's like, if I don't know whether you're going to come when I call, I don't want you to ever go. Because that exposes me to the risk that you will not be available to me when I need you. And that feels terrifying to me. Right? And we see that that pattern, which for most people is an origin story from childhood in one form or another, carries through to our adult relationships.
0:05:52.07 → 0:06:19.97
Right? So with a partner, it's not like I'm terrified of being alone, full stop. And I think that this is a really important distinction because in my experience, personally and working with a lot of people on this, it's not so much I'm scared of ever being by myself, I'm scared of spending time alone, of being in my own company. That's not it. I think that's an oversimplification and kind of misses the mark.
0:06:20.09 → 0:06:59.45
I think the fear of abandonment is more I'm scared that in a moment when I might need you, you won't be there for me. And so as a result, I would rather not take the risk of separation or distance when I feel like you are unreachable to me. Okay? So I think that related to that is this fear of emotional abandonment. And I think, again, as I spoke to in the start, it's not so much physical abandonment, literal abandonment in the sense of someone just upping and leaving although that can be a factor, right?
0:06:59.54 → 0:07:57.32
And a lot of people can fear someone breaking up with them in the relationship ending. But if you are in a more stable long term relationship and that doesn't seem like a risk, you don't have any sort of conscious fears that your partner is actually going to leave you. What you might experience is this sense of emotional abandonment. So when you feel like you are again reaching for someone and they are not there or they are shutting you out or there's some sort of unavailability in a moment of emotional need and feeling alone with your big emotions can feel very daunting. So it's this fear of what if I am either today or in the future, sad or lonely or afraid and I can't rely on you to soothe me in that and I can't rely on you to help me through that experience.
0:07:57.77 → 0:09:09.49
And again, this links back to what I've spoken about many times before, which is that the anxious person tends to be overly reliant on their attachment figure. So that's usually a caregiver in childhood and a romantic partner later in life they tend to be overly reliant on that figure to do all of the soothing work, right, because they have typically an underdeveloped capacity for self soothing. And so there's this sense of if I have these big emotions and I don't believe in your reliability to be there for me and kind of rescue me almost from those experiences that feel so overwhelming to me, that's terrifying. And so whether that's a real or imagined scenario, whether that's present day or hypothetical future scenario, that can trigger a lot of stuff as well this sense of you're not going to be there when I need you and that is not okay, right? The last thing I'll say in sort of framing this issue is and it's in the same vein as what I was just saying around it's not so much the fear of being alone as it is the fear of letting go or disconnecting.
0:09:09.62 → 0:09:58.55
So I think that again, many people who I work with would identify with anxious attachment but they might have been on their own for a while, maybe they've been single for years. And what I'll often hear is people saying I'm quite happy with my life, right? I'm quite content in my life but as soon as I'm in relationship, all of my anxious stuff comes up and I get really afraid of losing the person and that drives me into all of these behaviours. And I think that the way I make sense of that is there is this fear of having to disconnect from a person, having to let go of a person, having to lose a person. That fear of loss and grief and decoupling ourselves from someone who we love and care about, that feels more like the fear than just the being alone.
0:09:58.71 → 0:10:38.45
So I think that it is that transition from connection to disconnection that really triggers the anxiously attached person. And again, that makes sense when we look at inconsistency as being part of that origin story blueprint that created these patterns within us in the first place. So I just wanted to set that up as framing our discussion, just drawing out some more nuanced takes on what we're really talking about with this fear of abandonment. And that might not be your experience. Maybe you do really directly and literally fear abandonment and maybe that has been your experience and that makes sense.
0:10:38.65 → 0:11:24.07
But I think for a lot of people it tends to be a bit more indirect than that or a bit less literal. And it is these senses of like, I fear emotional abandonment. I fear that you won't be there when I need you. I fear I cannot rely on you to take care of me, to respond to me, to be available to me, to even rescue me when I'm in distress. And when we have that kind of story and that feeling, that's a pretty good sign that we're carrying some burdens from childhood, because even as I say that, I'm scared that I'm going to be distressed and alone and you're not going to be there to save me, that's a very young kind of story.
0:11:24.14 → 0:11:53.40
That's a very childlike fear. And I don't mean that disparagingly. It's not saying you're being juvenile, but just recognising how that part of us might be a young part that's holding that fear and maybe doesn't realise that we are an adult and that we have more capacity than we once did to hold ourselves through that. Now, let's explore a few ways that this fear of abandonment can impact our relationships. There are lots of these, right?
0:11:53.42 → 0:12:49.39
There are a lot of tentacles, there are a lot of branches that come from this tree. But some of the ones that occurred to me while I was preparing for this episode were a desire to be chosen really fully and almost like, I want you to be obsessed with me. Because if you are so desperately in love with me and you think I'm the most incredible person in the world and you can't live without me, then you probably won't ever leave me. And that feels like I'm derisking on that fear because you think I am an indispensable part of your life. Whereas if you would be perfectly fine without me and you're just choosing me and it feels a little bit more balanced and less intense, then that might feel riskier that I'm going to lose you because you aren't as attached and dependent upon me as I might be to you.
0:12:49.51 → 0:13:08.46
Another way that it impacts us is this primacy of connection, right? And again I've spoken about this on the podcast a million times. For the anxiously attached person, connection is king. It is absolutely top rung. It is everything.
0:13:09.23 → 0:14:12.65
Prioritise and protect the relationship at all costs, that is the most important drive for us in creating safety for ourselves. If I can protect the relationship, I can protect myself. And we can see how that is related to this fear of abandonment because I don't trust that I would be okay if I had to deal with either you being in relationship with me but being emotionally absent or unreachable, or if you were to leave me or I were to leave you, the relationship were to end. I can't fathom having to let go of you and emotionally detach from you because that feels impossible. So this primacy of the connection and if I just nurture the connection above all else, if I drop everything in my life to make sure that you're okay and we're okay and you're happy and you love me and we don't fight and don't want to rock the boat and make sure there's no threat to our relationship, then that feels like the way that I'm protecting against all of those fears.
0:14:12.81 → 0:14:42.44
Related to this is the tendency to overstay in unhealthy dynamics. Now I have been guilty of this. I know that so many people that I work with, people I speak to on instagram, struggle with this a lot. The inability to let go, right? It's like I just will stay and stay and stay and keep trying and keep pushing and one more time and one more chance and just a little bit longer.
0:14:42.89 → 0:15:42.33
Because again that inability to let go, that the resistance to decoupling, to disentangling ourselves emotionally, physically from this person who we have attached so tightly to that can feel like nothing would be worth, that nothing could be so bad as to justify that. And so the bar has to be so high in order for us to feel like a relationship is worth walking away from. That is usually an absolute last resort. And while I'm all for putting in the work to make a relationship work and not being overly flighty as soon as things get hard, anxious, attaches. And as I said, I've been absolutely guilty of this in the past, can take this to extremes where it's patently unhealthy, not working, really not supporting your well being and is so far short of what you really desire for yourself in your life.
0:15:42.40 → 0:16:09.84
And if someone had said to you before you were in the relationship, here's what it's going to look like, what do you think? Do you want to go ahead, you probably would say absolutely not. But when you're in it and you're so far gone you just can't let go, you just want to hold on a little longer. And I think that is related to this fear of abandonment, among other things. The last thing that I wanted to raise is the self abandonment piece.
0:16:09.97 → 0:17:05.06
And again, this could be a whole episode, but self abandonment in the sense of suppressing needs, going with the flow, people pleasing, just do whatever the other person wants, fearing that to be difficult is to be unlovable, which will lead to someone not wanting us. Right. Relatedly in conflict, we might raise something that's concerning us and then very quickly back down because we are too uncomfortable with the conflict. And the conflict feels like a precursor to abandonment or a precursor to the relationship ending, which, as we've just discussed, feels very unsafe and nothing feels worth it. So whatever need we were voicing that felt very important at the moment we were voicing it, when it's pitted against the possibility of the relationship ending or feeling threatened, it very quickly dissolves and becomes unimportant relative to the importance of protecting the relationship.
0:17:05.37 → 0:17:45.44
Right. So I think that again, in an indirect way, that fear of abandonment is driving our patterns of self abandonment and deprioritizing all of our very valid and genuine needs in relationship in favour of just keeping the relationship going and intact. Okay? So I hope that that has been helpful as a bit of a deep dive into the fear of abandonment, how it can show up and some of the behaviours and patterns that it can drive in our relationship. As I said, if this resonates with you, please do cheque out healing anxious Attachment we go into all of this and so much more in a lot of detail.
0:17:45.57 → 0:18:07.89
There's eight modules, 10 hours of video, guided meditations, workbooks notes. It's very comprehensive and over a thousand students have completed the course and it's got absolutely rave reviews. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, I would love to see you in there. Enrollment is open for another couple of days. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me guys.
0:18:07.93 → 0:18:30.12
I hope you have a beautiful weekend and I will see you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:18:30.18 → 0:18:34.38
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
The Importance of Discomfort in Life & Relationships
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable. Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable.
Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
We’ll cover:
Why we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar and known
How embracing discomfort builds resilience
Physical protocols for exploring discomfort
Building our emotional capacity for discomfort
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:42.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about discomfort, and specifically the importance of getting uncomfortable, of discomfort in building our capacity in life and in relationships.
0:00:43.15 → 0:01:48.54
So this is something that has been a really big part of my personal journey and it's also a key theme in the work that I do with clients and students, because I think that we are collectively really wired for comfort, probably as a baseline, as human beings, comfort equals familiarity, equals safety. So there's a strong tendency to cling to that which we know, which tends to be that which is known and comfortable. Right? But I think a huge part of building our capacity and growing lies in doing things that are new and are unknown and are uncertain and really stretching ourselves. And I think that the more we use comfort as our North Star almost, when we're just always choosing the comfortable thing, the known thing, the thing that provides us with a semblance of control and certainty, then we're always going to be getting more of what we've already got, which for a lot of us is not really what we want.
0:01:48.59 → 0:02:12.76
We want a different experience, we want new patterns, new dynamics in our lives. We want to grow, we want to expand, we want to evolve. And yet oftentimes we still, consciously or not, cling to what is known and what is comfortable. And I think oftentimes that is at ODS with our desire to grow and evolve. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around this today.
0:02:13.13 → 0:02:49.98
My own journey with embracing discomfort and the rewards that I've reaped from doing that and making that a practise. And how you might start to turn towards discomfort and use that as a way to build your own capacity and self trust and self respect, self worth, all of those other good things that I talk about a lot. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that registration for healing, anxious attachment is still open. The early bird period has closed now, but registration for the course is still open for another few days.
0:02:50.16 → 0:03:31.37
And that includes the live programme, which you might have heard me mention, which is an upgrade from the classic course, which is a self paced course. The live programme includes an eight week container, working with me in a small group setting, 690 minutes live group coaching calls and an online community for you all to connect. Share your experiences as you go through the programme. And really build those relationships with other people who are in the same situation, same boat as you, which I think in itself, can be very healing. So if you are interested, you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find the sign up page relatively easily or we will link that in the show notes as well.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:58.73
Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. This one was pulled from Spotify and it was thank you so much for this life changing podcast. The quality and depth of every subject is enlightening and really has helped me make fundamental changes in my life. Thanks, Greg, I really appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it. If you're listening to this, Greg, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time.
0:03:58.88 → 0:04:40.74
All right, so let's talk about discomfort and the role of discomfort in life and in relationships. So I think that for those of us, particularly who tend towards insecure attachment patterns, discomfort is something that we experience a lot of, probably, but also have a really visceral response against. So, because we don't have a level of trust within ourselves and in our capacity to navigate difficult things, as soon as we come up against discomfort, there can be a very strong urge to pull away. Right? And again, as I said in the introduction, there's a human element to this, right?
0:04:40.79 → 0:05:21.29
We are survival driven beings and that is always going to be our primary drive, is to do the thing that is going to most aid or most increase the likelihood of our survival. Right. Our base systems of the body are not interested in enlightenment and self actualization, they're interested in survival. And so there can be a really strong reaction against things that feel threatening in some way. And when we can recognise that, things that are unknown are often going to feel unsafe because they are unfamiliar.
0:05:21.42 → 0:06:10.61
And our nervous system is really primed to help us stay alive. And when it can't predict how something's going to go is your nervous system is essentially a predictive tool. It calls upon everything that you've ever experienced and seen and absorbed from the world around you and sort of philtres all of that and goes, okay, what do I have on this situation, these sensations in my body, this emotional experience, this relational dynamic, what information do I have on this? And it'll call on all of those things and make an assessment of how safe or dangerous the situation is and urge you to act accordingly. And so if something is new or unknown or unfamiliar or uncomfortable, then your body brain, nervous system is going to be saying, don't go there.
0:06:10.68 → 0:06:30.57
That's no good. We don't know how to control that outcome, we don't know how to make sure that that's safe. So it's best to be avoided, right? The trouble with this is, as I said in the introduction that we end up staying in our comfort zone. There's all of those quotes that you see plastered all over the internet.
0:06:31.23 → 0:06:48.31
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. It's a little bit naff, but it's not untrue. Right. The analogy that my therapist always gives is like if you're training at the gym and you're lifting weights, everything in your body is going to be telling you like, put the damn thing down. It's heavy.
0:06:48.36 → 0:07:18.38
This is uncomfortable. Right. But we can know rationally that that point is the point where it's most important that we stay in the discomfort and that we edge out beyond that point where our body and brain wants to quit or wants to pull back from the discomfort. Right. So as much as it makes sense that we would cling to things that feel comfortable and known, and it makes sense that we would recoil from discomfort, whether that's physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, or any other kind of discomfort.
0:07:18.54 → 0:07:52.03
And while there is absolutely wisdom in listening to our intuitive knowledge, it's not to say that you should just always override what your body is telling you to do. I think that a huge part of growing is in changing the way that we relate to discomfort. Okay? And I think the more we can change our mindset around it and go, okay, discomfort is an opportunity for me to build my capacity. That is really, really fertile ground for self exploration.
0:07:52.19 → 0:08:31.51
And relatively, I think, exploring the way we relate to stress and not in the sense of chronic stress burnout because I don't think anyone would be arguing that that is an opportunity and that that is growth enhancing. I think quite the contrary, but more situational stress, it is really what triggers an adaptation in us. Right? Again, going back to the gym example, it's only when you're putting those muscles under stress which happens when you are stretching yourself, that's what triggers the adaptation after the fact. You're not going to get any growth or adaptation from the first rep in your first set because that is comfortable and it's not challenging you.
0:08:31.60 → 0:09:23.71
Right. So I think that recognising the opportunity that lies in staying in discomfort and, as I said, reframing the way that we relate to discomfort and seeing it as a challenge and an opportunity and recognising that our expansion lives on the other side of our courage in lingering in that discomfort is very, very transformative in the relationship that we have with ourselves, but also with the world around us and with life. Because when we are motivated by staying comfortable and we don't want to stretch ourselves and we actively shy away from discomfort, then we become very, very fragile. Right? We try and avoid situations, people, dynamics that could lead us to feel uncomfortable.
0:09:24.05 → 0:10:20.17
We stay in a bubble of what we know. And as I said, it's almost like we shape our lives around trying to avoid the things that could lead us to feel discomfort. Whereas when we open ourselves to the possibility of discomfort and trust ourselves to be resilient in experiencing that discomfort and coming out the other side, not only surviving it, but actually being stronger for it, then I think we become quite resilient in a way that we just aren't. If we're so attached to the idea of comfort and familiarity and certainty, and really, while it's a different entry point into the conversation, this is the essence of everything that I teach, frankly, in relationships and in the podcast In Anxious Attachment. It's like, can I build up my own inner capacity to be with whatever arises in my life and in my relationships?
0:10:20.30 → 0:11:26.55
Such that I'm not living in fear all the time, such that I trust my ability to hold it, even if it doesn't feel good, even if it's frightening or overwhelming or painful or hard, that I can feel those things and I can be with those emotions and those sensations and I can survive it. And we really give ourselves these embodied experiences of our own efficacy and our own strength and our own capability that we just never get to experience if we're constantly in avoidance and in that running away and pulling back, and that clinging to the familiar, to clinging to what we can control. Right? And I think that having those embodied experiences of like, oh, yeah, that was really hard. But here I am on the other side of it that might start in the gym or in doing a cold plunge or any other number of practises that we might look at as a way to build this discomfort muscle.
0:11:27.13 → 0:12:04.94
It might start in those settings, but it really ripples out throughout your life and it teaches you, oh, yeah, I can feel pain and discomfort and survive and be okay. Right. So I think on that note, some protocols or some practises that you might wish to explore on the physical side for me, and I did say that I'd speak to my own journey with this. I used to be someone who was very much comfortable and I had really no desire or interest in being uncomfortable. I didn't really like any sort of strenuous physical activity.
0:12:05.08 → 0:12:20.00
And I told myself a story and told others a story of, like, why would you want to do hard exercise? That sounds awful. No, thank you. I'll just go for a nice walk or do an easy yoga class or something. This is nothing against walking or yoga.
0:12:20.03 → 0:12:40.65
I still love both of those things very much. But I had this attitude towards physical challenge of like, no, thank you, I'll be fine. That's not for me. And I can look back on that now and recognise how much that was coming from a self protective place, because I didn't think I could do it right. I didn't think I had it in me.
0:12:40.69 → 0:13:11.18
I didn't trust myself. I thought I'd be bad at it or I thought I'd fail, I thought I'd be weak, thought I'd be embarrassed, and so I just didn't. And I think in this broader conversation around discomfort, that's probably true in a lot of the things that we don't do because it's uncomfortable is, oh, I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I don't want to be in pain or struggle because I might feel shame or humiliation or any of those things.
0:13:12.03 → 0:14:03.18
So for me, a real turning point was kind of getting out of my own way there. And physical exercise and really learning to embrace challenging exercise has been a huge part of my own journey with this. And I think I've told the story on the show before, a few years ago, when I was in a previous relationship that was not very good and I was nearing the end of that and I kind of knew I was nearing the end of it, but I didn't quite have the courage yet. I didn't quite have the resolve or, frankly, the plan on how I was going to do that and what I was going to do and what my life was going to look like. All of those things that can come with the impending end of a difficult relationship.
0:14:03.55 → 0:14:30.77
And I set myself the challenge to run 100 kilometres over the course of a month. And for some people who are runners, that's not a great deal, that's not a huge distance, right? But for me, definitely not being a runner at all, that was a big deal to set that goal. And I did it. I ran every day or every other day, and I reached that goal of 100 kilometres over the course of the month.
0:14:30.84 → 0:15:24.51
And not only was it significant that I set the goal and I did it even though it was hard, but there was this funny thing that happened whereby it was really, really hard at first, and then it got easier as I got better and stronger and my fitness improved. And it was exhilarating to experience my own growth in a very direct, visceral, observable, measurable way. I got faster and I wasn't so out of breath and I could actually enjoy the process. So that, for me, was really symbolic and significant. And it wasn't long after that that wasn't the only reason, but it wasn't long after that that I did kind of bite the bullet and face the discomfort and the unknown of leaving that relationship because I had a newfound trust in my ability to do hard things.
0:15:24.71 → 0:15:56.95
So since then, in my own life, doing more physically challenging things and constantly stretching myself in that respect has become a big part of my spiritual, if we want to call it that, emotional practise of embracing discomfort and observing discomfort and the thoughts that go into my head when I'm doing something physically hard, telling me, oh, I can't do this. This is hard. And then the other voice, which is kind of a wise inner voice, saying, yes, you can. You can do this. Even if it's for another 30 seconds, you can do this.
0:15:57.12 → 0:16:10.88
And just trusting that and doing it and then going, okay, there you go, 30 seconds more, that's an achievement. I'm building the container, right? So finding something doesn't have to be running. It doesn't have to be lifting weights. It doesn't have to be anything.
0:16:11.01 → 0:16:55.02
But finding something for you that is physically challenging, I think is a really, really beautiful, effective way to develop your capacity to be with discomfort, develop your self trust and your self respect. And to do that in a very embodied way. So that your system, your brain, your body goes, yeah, I'm strong and I can do hard things, and I can feel really, really good for having done them. A more emotional or mental example of a practise here, I think we could really use just working through a trigger or a difficult emotion. So, again, often when we feel let's use anxiety as an example that most, if not all of you will relate to.
0:16:55.20 → 0:17:36.04
When we feel something like that, often we go, oh, my God, something bad's happening. And rather than actually just staying with the discomfort of the emotion, we launch into trying to make it stop. So that might be I fire off a million text messages, or I go and have an argument with someone or I do something, but I'm really trying to not have to make contact with the thing that I'm feeling that feels so uncomfortable. And I think that while we can understand where that's coming from, because the felt sense, the felt experience of anxiety is not pleasant, right? It's uncomfortable and it's big and it's overwhelming, actually.
0:17:36.14 → 0:18:30.79
Just staying with it and going, okay, what's going on? For me, rather than trying to get away from our feelings, can we spend a bit of time with them and delve into them a little now, of course, there will be times when that is not the thing that you need, and there will be situations where you might need to avoid rather than jump into a feeling. And I will trust you to be discerning about what you need in any given moment. But building up our capacity to if you get triggered or stressed or something happens in your relationship and it feels really destabilising to your system, can you stay connected to yourself through that experience rather than scrambling to try and control the situation outwardly or to get away from it? So what's going on with me?
0:18:30.96 → 0:18:46.35
What am I feeling in my body? What stories am I telling myself? Why does this feel so unsafe for me? What am I saying in my head? What conversations am I rehearsing with this person who has upset me?
0:18:46.52 → 0:19:20.64
What do I need? Okay. And really just like, staying with the experience of our own feelings, even though they will be uncomfortable. And you notice when you stay with the primary emotion that it tends to pass much more quickly. But it's only when we either jump up to the level of story and we perpetuate the emotion by spinning around in a lot of really painful stories or we try and get away from it and avoid it and the emotion just gets bigger and louder because we're not tending to it.
0:19:21.09 → 0:20:01.96
Then we're experiencing the discomfort anyway, but not really in a way that is adaptive or allows us to grow through it. So if that's one that you can relate to a really simple practise and again, it doesn't have to be every single time you feel a difficult emotion but actually just tuning in and staying, even if it's again staying. For 30 seconds with the physical experience of anxiety. Maybe journaling or just sitting and wrapping yourself in a hug and rocking back and forth and just soothing yourself as you would soothe a child and really staying in that and just noticing what happens. Right?
0:20:02.09 → 0:20:49.08
So the last thing that I want to say on this, and again, you will have heard me speak about this before, if you've done any of my programmes or you've listened to some of the episodes I've done around nervous system regulation, but the core principle underlying any of this is uncomfortable but safe. Okay? So we don't want to push our systems to a level of discomfort that is so far outside of our capacity that we're going to experience almost whiplash or some sort of snap back to comfort zone because it was too much shock or too much overwhelm, right? So it really is an incremental process of building our capacity. That's why I give these examples of 30 seconds beyond when you want to quit or 30 seconds, right?
0:20:49.13 → 0:21:37.67
It's not that you have to go from zero to running a marathon, it's just can I, bit by bit, build up my capacity so that over time I can look back and go, wow, look how far I've come. I used to totally spin out in a panic attack and now I'm able to quietly observe my feelings and my thoughts and stay with those and choose how I'm going to respond, right? It's not some big glamorous breakthrough. It's just a bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment process of stepping into something that is uncomfortable, but ultimately that we know to be safe. And that's a really important point in doing all of this in a way that is self responsible and self loving.
0:21:37.83 → 0:22:36.12
So I hope that's been an interesting conversation for you and has given you something to think about the way that you experience comfort and discomfort in your own life. And I should say that I'm not out here trying to be a disciplinarian and telling you that you need to crack the whip and get uncomfortable all the time and do military drills and all of that kind of thing. Again, it's discomfort in a way that is an act of love towards ourselves, because we know that it's in aid of our growth. And that doesn't mean that in every moment of every day you need to be seeking out discomfort, but really pendulating between comfort and discomfort so that we have trust in our ability to be with both, to be with. Whatever arises, rather than having to hide from the world and from our lives in a way that really makes us very small and very fragile and vulnerable and blocks us from having the openness to experience that most of us desire.
0:22:36.26 → 0:22:49.14
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. It really does help so much. Share it with the people in your life who you think might enjoy it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care, guys.
0:22:50.55 → 0:23:12.66
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
3 Essential Ingredients to Make a Relationship Work
Are you constantly asking yourself why your relationships don't seem to be working out, even when you've given it your all? Today, let's tear down the walls of confusion and delve into an enlightening conversation on the three core essentials of a successful relationship that many of us might be overlooking. It's an eye-opening discussion drawn from my personal experiences and my work with numerous individuals on how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Are you constantly asking yourself why your relationships don't seem to be working out, even when you've given it your all? Today, let's tear down the walls of confusion and delve into an enlightening conversation on the three core essentials of a successful relationship that many of us might be overlooking. It's an eye-opening discussion drawn from my personal experiences and my work with numerous individuals on how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Get ready to unpack the essence of compatibility, not just on the surface level, but the structural alignment of your life goals with your partner, a missed detail that often keeps relationships in a damaging loop of unresolved conflicts. Alongside understanding compatibility, we'll navigate the often tricky terrains of commitment and capacity. We'll unravel how these key elements interact, and more importantly, how to discern when it is an issue of willingness or capacity.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join My Signature Program, Healing Anxious Attachment Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirtys. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid 30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self-confidence and our self-worth, self-esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely cheque that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid 30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenty s and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white knuckle it through, but it's probably a short term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison is not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlights real and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into the scarcity and into the fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as like a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid 30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to cheque out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
The Path to Healing Anxious Attachment
Are you constantly seeking reassurance and security from your partner? You're not alone. Many of us who experience anxious attachment find it challenging to self-regulate and often lean on our partners for a sense of safety. This episode is all about helping you understand and navigate this complex, emotional landscape. We'll discuss the importance of self-regulation and explore the fear of destabilisation and the need to control what is happening outside of us to feel safe. You'll learn how the process of co-regulation can help build your capacity to self-regulate and why it's crucial to trust yourself above all.
Are you constantly seeking reassurance and security from your partner? You're not alone. Many of us who experience anxious attachment find it challenging to self-regulate and often lean on our partners for a sense of safety. This episode is all about helping you understand and navigate this complex, emotional landscape. We'll discuss the importance of self-regulation and explore the fear of destabilisation and the need to control what is happening outside of us to feel safe. You'll learn how the process of co-regulation can help build your capacity to self-regulate and why it's crucial to trust yourself above all.
But, there's more to it than learning self-regulation skills. We'll also delve deep into the core beliefs that drive anxious attachment. We'll discuss how addressing these stories and wounds can liberate us from the fear of abandonment and feelings of unworthiness. You'll discover how to separate your worth from the behaviour of others and break free from these old stories. We'll also focus on building self-worth and enhancing internal security - two crucial pillars in this healing journey.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join My Signature Program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:35.21
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about the path to healing anxious attachment.
0:00:35.39 → 0:01:24.31
So this is partly in celebration of the fact that my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is reopening for enrollment tomorrow for the fifth time, but also because I know that a big chunk of my listeners are anxiously attached folks, and I know that many people are on some form of healing journey, whatever that looks like. And wherever you might be in that process, I've actually done a couple of episodes. Previously on a similar topic to today. One of them was the three stages of healing anxious attachment, and another how to heal your anxious attachment. And those two are by far and away the most ever downloaded episodes of the podcast, so clearly there is a demand for this conversation.
0:01:24.89 → 0:02:56.96
With that being said, I think it's been maybe seven or eight months since I've last broached this topic, so I thought that it was high time I revisited it. Particularly, as I said, in advance of tomorrow's programme launch, but also because, to be very frank, my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, perspectives on this are always growing and evolving. And so today I wanted to talk to you about what the different pillars of that healing journey involve, at least insofar as my experience goes personally, and also the methodology that I teach to my clients and students, and also offering some mindset shifts on this whole idea of healing that we can get really lost in. I think that it's such a beautiful thing to be on a healing journey and to gift ourselves that desire and that process of tending to our wounded parts and unburdening ourselves and growing and evolving and finding a more peaceful and easeful way of being within ourselves and in our relationships. And at the same time, I am acutely aware of the proliferation of products and commercialization and all of that around this healing industry in a way that I think can lead us to feel like we always have to.
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Be doing more and more and that we're never far along enough and that it's meant to be linear and neat and achievement driven and on some sort of defined timeline. And so I suppose I want to offer some thoughts on that with a view to ensuring that anyone who does consider themselves to be on some sort of journey of healing and growth, that we're doing that in a way that feels genuinely loving towards ourselves and caring and kind and self compassionate rather than coming from a place of shame and rigidity and perfectionism and needing ourselves to be other than as we are and where we are. Which I think can certainly be the tendency to see ourselves as something broken that needs fixing, as a problem to be solved, as not enough, as inadequate, as unworthy. And I think that the more we are approaching our growth from that place of self rejection and shame and wrongness, there's a really good chance that we are going to stay exactly where we are, if not to regress or to find ourselves even further entrenched in whatever patterns we find ourselves in. Because shame tends not to be very fertile in terms of what we need in order to really grow.
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I think that curiosity, self compassion, having a really inquisitive mindset towards ourselves, making space for all of our parts and all of our fears and emotions, pulling up a seat at the table and welcoming all of those parts. And seeking to understand and trusting that from that space we can really find a level of wholeness and integration that is very liberating. Rather than needing to exile parts of us or shut down parts of us that we consider to be wrong or unacceptable or inconvenient. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
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As I flagged, and as you will have heard me speak about recently, my signature programme, Healing Anxious Attachment, is reopening tomorrow for enrollment. It will be the fifth cohort over a thousand students have been through this programme in the last year and a bit since I launched it. It is my pride and joy and I am really, really looking forward to welcoming the next cohort of students. You may have also heard me announce last week that for the first time ever, I'm running a live group coaching programme as an optional upgrade to the course. So the course in its classic version is largely self paced, so you're getting eight modules of video lessons, workbooks journal prompts, guided meditations, and it really is very comprehensive.
0:06:11.99 → 0:06:52.68
I have delivered it in that way because I think that it's hard to coordinate time zones, frankly, when you've got people all over the world joining. That's a logistical reason. But also I think the nature of the content is such that everyone will go through it at a different pace and in their own time might revisit it. And so I think delivering the whole course via live calls is typically not the best thing for the majority. But with that being said, I'm also very aware that some people do desire and value that live component and the ability to get direct feedback and coaching and advice from me as they work through the programme, and also a community component.
0:06:52.74 → 0:07:40.71
So that's what's available in this live experience. Group coaching upgrade to the course that you'll get 690 minutes calls with me over an eight week period, as well as an online community group for you to connect with the other people, and that will be capped at 30 places to keep it nice and intimate. So if you're interested in either of those two options the Course in its classic iteration, or the live group coaching upgrade, which also includes the Course materials jump on the waitlist via the link in the show notes, or you can head directly to my website. And doors will open tomorrow, so you'll get an email when it's time. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie's podcast has been a huge help to me in understanding myself and how I show up in relationships.
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I appreciate her compassion and unflagging reminders to stay curious and have made some real internal shifts after implementing her advice over the last few months. Thank you for your work. We're all lucky to have found you. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate the kind words and I'm glad to hear that you've made some shifts as a result of listening to the podcasts and reflecting and implementing some of those things.
0:08:04.78 → 0:08:42.86
So I'm glad to hear that. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses. Okay, let's talk about the path to healing anxious attachment. So the first key pillar on this journey learning to self regulate. You will have heard me speak previously on the podcast, if you're a longtime listener, about the fact that for most anxiously attached people, it is very, very hard to self soothe, to self regulate, to self source a sense of safety.
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We tend to derive our sense of being okay in the world from our partner and from whatever is going on in our relationship. So if we're okay, I'm okay. If you are happy, I am happy. But if you're not, and if we're not okay, I'm not okay, right? And while it is totally normal and natural to be affected by whatever's going on in your relationship, it's not to say that secure people have this impenetrable armour whereby they're completely fine no matter whatever's going on in their relationship.
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The anxious person, it does tend to be taken to extremes whereby we can go into this state of absolute panic and meltdown for something that is really disproportionate, to be frank, right? So your partner might be slightly irritable and snap at you when you're in the car driving somewhere, and rather than going, oh, okay, they're in a bad mood, we might internalise that and go, Why would they be angry at me? I didn't do anything wrong. Why are they upset? Are they always going to be like this?
0:09:50.94 → 0:10:36.75
When are they going to apologise? Are they going to apologise? Do they think they can just treat me like this? Spiralling into all of these very anxious thoughts which can then feed on themselves, and you can find yourself in this place of urgent panic, needing to fix it and feeling really dysregulated and thrown off centre in a way that just doesn't really match what's going on. So I think that from that place we can find ourselves very much at the mercy of whatever is going on outside of us in determining our well being in a way that is quite destabilising and quite vulnerable and not necessarily in a good way.
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Right. It means that we are not able to provide ourselves with a strong foundation of resilience and being able to trust that I will be okay. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. I can support myself through it and I can hold myself through it because our experience is I won't be okay. And so instead of learning to build that capacity within ourselves, what most of us have done is learn how to try and control what is going on outside of us, right?
0:11:08.20 → 0:12:13.25
Because if what's going on outside of me is determinant of whether or not I feel okay inside of me, the answer is to try and control all of that stuff to make sure that I'm okay. And so that's where our behaviours like hyper vigilance and monitoring everything very closely and controlling and testing and tiptoeing and micromanaging and people pleasing, we can see that those are all expressions of this fundamental fear of I need. To make sure that everything around me is such that I don't feel destabilised, that I don't feel unsafe because I am like a sponge for everything else. And I don't have this internal ability to self regulate and to be my own power source such that I've got some backup. If my partner's in a bad mood, I can turn inwards or I can turn elsewhere rather than orbiting around that and urgently needing to fix it.
0:12:13.37 → 0:13:15.73
And really it's important to understand that your maybe underdeveloped capacity to self regulate is a good way to put it, is not because you are defective or broken or less evolved. It is simply because that's something that when we're all born, no one has the ability to self regulate. Babies are utterly dependent on caregivers to help them via this process of co regulation to develop that capacity, because babies are very much vulnerable and at the mercy of what's going on around them. But for the anxiously attached person, typically that wasn't nurtured enough, consistently enough for that ability to self regulate to properly develop. And so we have this response of hyperactivating in the event that there's any threat to the relationship, because we've learned to derive our safety from the other person exclusively.
0:13:15.86 → 0:14:03.94
And so to the extent that we feel them pulling away or we feel any threat to that tether between us, our response is going to be very hyperactivated, mobilised, intense. I've got to do whatever I can to restore the connection rather than finding it within ourselves to go, okay, that's not going to work. As my current source of safety, I'll go to one of my other sources. So a really big part of this process of healing anxious attachment is learning to find that backup power source. And if anything, letting that be a primary source of safety for you, so that you can then go to relationships from a really balanced, grounded, self assured place of I am choosing this because I love you and I care about you and I'm investing in this relationship.
0:14:04.12 → 0:14:44.61
But it is not me coming to the relationship treating you. As a lifeline and desperately needing you to rescue me because I am so terrified of being disconnected from you or being on my own. And that is even if it's not literal and conscious and front of mind, often that is the energy that we are coming to relationships with when we don't have that capacity to self soothe and self regulate. So a big part of that is understanding how your nervous system works. And again, you will have heard me speak about this on the podcast before I had a guest interview with Sarah Baldwin who is an expert in this.
0:14:44.73 → 0:15:53.83
Also teach a whole module on it in healing anxious attachment. It's consistently everyone's favourite because I think it's the thing that everyone comes to and goes wow, I never knew any of this, right? You might have heard some other stuff about communication or boundaries or healing our core wounds but really the nervous system stuff is like brand new information for a lot of people and it is absolutely a paradigm shift and incredibly, I hesitate to say life changing but I think it really is. It certainly has been for me and that's how a lot of other people describe it because it's like oh all of a sudden I empower myself with tools to be okay no matter what happens, right? All of a sudden we don't have to move through life trying to avoid triggers or trying to avoid challenge or upset or conflict or rejection or abandonment or any of these other experiences that of course are painful and we don't want to go and seek them out.
0:15:53.87 → 0:16:56.59
But we also don't have to shape our whole lives around trying to avoid them because we do not believe in our capacity to navigate them if they were to arise. So learning to self regulate, learning to be your own sense of safety first and foremost is such an important skill and such an important piece in the puzzle if you really want to shift these patterns. So the next pillar that I want to speak to is self worth and healing of those core wounds of unworthiness and inadequacy and that fear of abandonment that runs so deep for anxiously attached people. So if we could think of the self regulation piece as being the body and the nervous system, this is where we start to look at the attachment wounds and this is really where some of those beliefs of I'm not good enough no one will ever love me as much as I will love them. People are always going to leave me.
0:16:56.63 → 0:17:32.20
I can never trust in love, I can never trust that people will stay. I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. All of this more cerebral stuff that again might not be front of mind, it might not be the script that you're running in a very conscious way. But oftentimes when we trace down through our fears and the stories that we tell ourselves, eventually we wind up at these beliefs. I have to make sure that everyone's happy with me.
0:17:32.25 → 0:18:35.66
I can't possibly put anyone out because then they won't like me and if they don't like me, then I'll be alone. Or as soon as we work our way down the chain, we start to see that these beliefs run fairly rampant and tend to be baked in with a lot of shame and a lot of fear and tending to these and really reprogramming some of these old beliefs that are no longer helping us, that were probably never ours to begin with and most likely took root at a time in our lives when we didn't have enough context and understanding for what was going on around us. And we internalised whatever environment we were in as being our fault or a comment on us and our worth tending to. These wounds grieving all of the emotion that's there and what it's cost us to live from this wounded place. That's a very very important piece of the puzzle as well.
0:18:35.76 → 0:19:32.29
And you can think of that as being almost like as we start to decouple these core beliefs from our emotional experience and we start to go, oh, okay, someone else's behaviour doesn't have to mean this about me. We sort of slowly break that automatic story and tether that we've created in our minds again, most of the time subconsciously. But once we can sever that and infuse or inject all of these other possibilities of okay, that's one possibility. What are the 500 other possibilities for why this person didn't call me back or why this person isn't available to be in the relationship with me or doesn't have the capacity or whatever, right? There are a million different ways that this can show up.
0:19:32.44 → 0:20:31.17
But having that distance and having enough self worth that we can go I don't need to strive to try and convince someone to show up for me. I don't need to convince people, I don't need to tiptoe around someone else. I don't need to shrink and become very very small and easy and low maintenance in order to be lovable. I don't need to micromanage everyone around me and their emotions to make sure that everything's okay and that they're happy with me because I get my worth from being helpful, right? All of these things are various expressions of these wounded parts and these core beliefs so tending to those and that is a longer term process, right, of understanding those links and connecting those dots and turning towards those stories and seeking to understand again, where did this come from?
0:20:31.21 → 0:21:07.01
Where did I learn this? And really being with those? And as I said, there's a lot of grief in that. But it's also very liberating to uncover this process that's been happening at a very subconscious level and how that's been perpetuating our hurt and pain and shame and emotional responses. Because when we make things mean stuff about ourselves, when we have these stories and everything that happens around us, we take as evidence in support of these very painful stories.
0:21:07.43 → 0:22:21.43
Then once again, we're very, very susceptible to significant distress and taking things personally and being very fragile in a way that tends not to be supportive of healthy, secure, grounded, balanced relationships. So that unburdening, that process of healing our core wounds, of building up our self worth, of building up our self trust and our self respect, all of that is very, very important in the healing anxious attachment path. I want to pause there and just point something out which is these two most important pillars are about the self, okay? And that might feel kind of counterintuitive because for anxiously attached people, the impulse, the default is always to focus on the relational piece or on the other person. Whenever I have clients or students or anyone I'm interacting with, when it's about relationship stuff and they're anxiously attached, all they want to do is tell me about the other person and what they did and what they said and what their emotional struggles are and what their challenges are.
0:22:21.47 → 0:22:56.10
And then my assessment of what they're thinking and feeling, it's always about the other. And that is very much part and parcel. Anxious attachment, as I spoke to earlier, is if I can control other people and gather information about other people, then I can control the environment and the conditions. And in so doing I can ensure my own sense of safety and stability, right? But to continue to do that is to continue to participate in the pattern that is keeping you in this place, right, in this way of being.
0:22:56.23 → 0:23:53.71
And so it is no accident that the overwhelming focus of my work in helping people with anxious attachment is on the self. It has to be because if you keep focusing on the other and on the relationship, it's actually feeding into this belief of I need to make sure that we are okay so that I'll be okay. Whereas what I want to teach you is I will be okay because I am going to build myself up so that I am okay no matter what's going on out there, right? That's really where that capacity comes from and that self trust and that resilience when we have those two pillars of self regulation and internal security and safety, along with tending to those core wounds and building up that self worth. That's the point at which we can really start to usefully layer in relational skills, right?
0:23:53.88 → 0:24:59.64
This is where stuff like how do I communicate more effectively, how do I have conflict in a way that is constructive and productive, how do I advocate for myself through boundaries? How do I get very clear on my values and what I'm looking for in relationship in a way that allows me to really back myself and feel comfortable saying no to things that don't work and seeing an incompatibility for what it is rather than seeing it as an invitation to strive and change someone and backflip and change ourselves and do whatever we'd need to do to make it work right. We become so much clearer in who we are and what we're looking for that we can confidently start to apply these skills. Because I think that when we don't have those strong foundations of self and we go straight to setting boundaries and voicing needs, we're doing it from this place of I'm voicing a need. But also, if you don't think that that's a reasonable need, then don't worry about it.
0:24:59.69 → 0:25:55.66
Or we voice a boundary, but it's so fear fueled and fear driven that it comes out as really us being a tyrant and a dictator and telling someone, how dare you treat me like this? And you better not do that or else. Right. Which is a lot of charge behind that and typically doesn't work very well, right? So I think that having this internal piece and again it's not like an endpoint where you have to get to healed as a destination before you can take these steps but having at least some foundation of internal security in order to then go to the relational piece and be able to calmly advocate for yourself and really be comfortable in what you are expressing and what you are needing and have enough capacity to also have space for the other person's experience.
0:25:55.79 → 0:26:41.57
Right? When we're in a lot of fear there's just no space for the other person because our whole view becomes very tunnel visioned and very self interested and that's just true for everyone. When you're in fear, you are selfish. Of course evolutionarily makes sense if I think that I'm under threat, I'm going to be watching out for me first and foremost and so I've got to be able to deal with the things that lead me to feel threatened all the time in relationships and a lot of that starts with me. So once I've built up my capacity to come to my relationship without feeling like I'm on the brink all the time, feeling like everything is a minefield and that I'm tiptoeing around, that when there's just a bit more space and ease.
0:26:41.67 → 0:27:46.73
Then we start being able to layer on these secure communication, secure functioning, secure relationship skills that allow us to really cement everything that we're doing within ourselves and build up a relationship that is different. We get to create new possibilities from all of the work that we're doing because in the absence of that, obviously we just do a rinse and repeat on the things that we've always done. But when we start to have this increased capacity, then we get to forge these new experiences and these new memories. And it's incredible, the ripple effect of one person doing their work on the people around them and the people that they might be in relationship with. So while you can't guarantee that you're doing your work is going to change your partner and to be very clear, that should never be your motive. Please. Again, that is a great example of anxious detachers being other focused. It's like, what can I do to change them? How can I change myself so that they change? No.
0:27:46.90 → 0:28:31.18
How can I change myself so that I experience more peace and stability and freedom, okay? And trust that from that place I will know what to do and I will know what I need and I will have the capacity to make better decisions for myself, whatever that looks like. It is not how can I change so that I can elicit change in them. But with that being said, oftentimes one person's change will trigger changes in the other because these things are cocreated and they're relational and they're dynamic. And so if you start dancing a different dance, you might notice that your partner shows up very differently because you might not be pushing their buttons in the way that you were before without even realising it.
0:28:31.31 → 0:29:00.00
Because again, all of this stuff happens very subconsciously. So I did promise that I was going to give some mindset tips as a little wrap up on this. And so I suppose the main thing that I want to say is healing is not a journey with a start and a finish. It's not a destination that you're going to reach. Sometimes I get emails and messages from people asking me if the expected outcome of a course or a programme of mine is that they will be healed.
0:29:00.19 → 0:29:28.36
And I would never ever represent that to anyone. And maybe the course is inaccurately titled by being called Healing Anxious Attachment. But unfortunately it's hard to add too much nuance into a short and sweet title for a programme. Evolving into a place where I no longer feel at the mercy of my anxious attachment is not a very catchy title, but that's really the essence of it, right? It's growing beyond it's.
0:29:28.55 → 0:30:49.10
Can I build up my capacity so that my anxious parts are not driving the bus and speaking to my own experience? It's not like I never experience those anxious thoughts, feelings, sensations anymore. It's not that I don't think the catastrophic thoughts or have those insecurities pop up, but it's just I put so much effort and energy and time into building up my other parts and creating more space and really nurturing. Those other parts that are more secure and more grounded in self worth and self respect and self trust, such that the anxious part is much quieter and doesn't have to work so hard because I've tended to a lot of the fear and a lot of the wounding that that anxious part was trying to protect. And so while it's not totally gone, it's not in control of me anymore and it's not something that I feel threatened by or overwhelmed by, it's just something that I can notice and go, oh okay, if I notice myself feeling anxious, what is that telling me and what might I need to do, right?
0:30:49.47 → 0:31:24.06
It's just asking for my attention and that's okay, I've got enough capacity that I can go okay, I'm feeling anxious, what might I need, right? Rather than going, oh my God, I feel anxious, I've got to do something that means something's wrong, urgent, overwhelming, and then being driven to behave in a certain way based on that feeling. So it's really not about reaching some endpoint, unfortunately. There is no endpoint, there is no healed, there is no clock off work because we're all done and dusted. It's not like that, unfortunately.
0:31:24.25 → 0:32:37.87
It's a journey. And I think the more that we can yield to that while also not feeling like we have to be fixing ourselves all the time, it's really gifting ourselves a lifelong process of growing and evolving and being with whatever arises and expanding our capacity for peace and freedom and really open hearted love rather than love that is infused with fear and control and insecurity. So lifelong and hard at times. And it takes time. But it's also absolutely possible to grow to a place where anxious attachment is not the overwhelming experience of your relationships, where you have relationships that feel safe and grounded and mutually supportive and reciprocal and where you really can.
0:32:38.02 → 0:33:07.41
Take in someone's love and trust it rather than constantly anticipating something bad happening or that they're going to leave you or find someone better. All of that is possible and I really, if nothing else, please believe that that is available to you. And as I said, it's not always easy but it is worth it and it is possible. So this has been a long episode. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.
0:33:07.45 → 0:33:53.40
I hope it's been helpful and it's given you a bit of insight into what's involved in this journey to healing anxious attachment and developing a more secure way of being. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating or a review. It's hugely helpful. And if you are keen to say yes to this work to dive in deeper. Tomorrow is the day for healing anxious attachment 5.0 you can join the waitlist via the link in the show notes or by heading straight to my website and I would love to see you in there if. You are ready to do this work and ready to make a change. Thank you all so much for being with me. I will see you later in the week. Thanks guys.
0:33:54.57 → 0:34:22.89
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Why Are "Toxic" Relationships So Hard to Recover From
Ever wondered why it is so challenging to recover from toxic relationships? Why the chaos and unpredictability leave you feeling disoriented and overwhelmed? I'm here to guide you through this complex terrain. In a candid conversation, we'll unravel the dynamics of such relationships and expose the confusion, grief, and shame that often accompany them. Just remember, the difficulty isn't only in letting go, but also in the aftermath that can leave you feeling lost.
Ever wondered why it is so challenging to recover from toxic relationships? Why the chaos and unpredictability leave you feeling disoriented and overwhelmed? I'm here to guide you through this complex terrain. In a candid conversation, we'll unravel the dynamics of such relationships and expose the confusion, grief, and shame that often accompany them. Just remember, the difficulty isn't only in letting go, but also in the aftermath that can leave you feeling lost.
As we journey together towards healing, we'll tackle the isolation, embarrassment, and the elusive closure that often seems unattainable. It's a hard road, no doubt about it, but I'm here to help you navigate through it. We'll dig into practical tools to assist you in the recovery process, and learn how to move on healthily. No more futile pursuit of validation and connection, no more shame for not leaving sooner; we're focusing on healing and growth. Brace yourself, we're about to strip away the layers and reveal the true dynamics of toxic relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:29.77
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:29.87 → 0:01:12.17
In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about why toxic or dysfunctional unhealthy relationships are so hard to recover from. So this is one of those areas where it's really counterintuitive. You would think that a relationship that's been a bit of a train wreck, a bit of a shit show, is something that you're going to leave and feel this big sigh of relief, put it behind you and suddenly you're free of all of that drama and you can move on with your life and be better for it. While that is what it feels like it should be on paper, the reality of it is often much messier than that. And as I said, counterintuitively.
0:01:12.22 → 0:02:01.57
I think that we can struggle a lot more to detach from and make sense of these really dysfunctional dynamics compared with if we were moving on from a breakup of a relationship that was broadly healthy and stable, you'd think that those ones would be the ones that we'd really struggle to let go of. But that's generally not the case. So I'm going to be unpacking why that is why it's such a common experience to really struggle to not only leave and let go of these dysfunctional relationships, as in getting to the point of breaking up, but why the aftermath can feel so confusing and disorienting. And I'm hoping that in doing that it will not only normalise that experience. If you've been in that or maybe you're in it at the moment and you're wondering, what's wrong with me?
0:02:01.64 → 0:02:28.53
I know rationally that that relationship was really unhealthy for me. And yet I feel so consumed by thinking about it and playing out all of the what ifs and all of those scenarios. But also that it'll give you some tools to really give yourself the acceptance and the closure that you're seeking in a way that allows you to move on with your life in a healthy way. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:28.66 → 0:03:06.84
The first being you will have heard me mention in the past couple of episodes that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, is reopening for enrollment very soon. In one week, I think from the date that this comes out, there are already well over a thousand of you who have signed up to the waitlist, which ensures you get early bird pricing and first access when the course comes out. And you can join that waitlist via the link in the show notes. I'm also very excited, although slightly hesitant to announce, and I say hesitant because announcing it on here makes it real and forces me to actually follow through on this. But here we go.
0:03:07.29 → 0:03:48.71
For the first time ever, I'm going to be offering a VIP version of Healing Anxious Attachment, which is more of a group coaching programme than an online course. So Healing Anxious Attachment, in its original form is an online course, so it's eight modules that are self paced and you have lifetime access to those. So it's really comprehensive and has heaps of information and resources, workbooks, meditations, the whole bit. It's a really wonderful course, but I know that for some people, having that additional face to face component and individual support from me is really helpful. But obviously I'm constrained in how many people I'm able to offer that to.
0:03:48.86 → 0:04:21.66
The last couple of rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment had about 350 people. So obviously, I'm not in a position to give individual coaching and feedback to 350 people. It's just way beyond capacity. So something that I'm trialling for this next round is a capped small group coaching VIP option, and that will be 690 minutes group coaching calls with me over that eight week period. We're also going to have a pop up online community, so there's that support and community connection and a few bonus resources as well.
0:04:21.71 → 0:05:03.94
So that's going to be capped, I think, at 30 spots. So if that's something that interests you, maybe you've been interested in working with me more closely, maybe you've looked at my Mastermind but not wanted to commit to a full six months. This could be a really great way to get that extra support along with the course itself, in a way that allows you to get that feedback and interaction with me and with your peers that goes beyond just the self paced learning of a course. So, again, if you're interested in that, just join the regular waitlist and that will be a first come, first served when doors open next week for the VIP option. So I hope that people are excited by that.
0:05:03.96 → 0:05:24.96
And as I said, it's a bit of an experiment, so we'll see how it goes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is the kindness, sincerity and compassion that she shares her knowledge with is wonderful. I've already gained so much insight regarding past relationships, current relationships and definitely communication. Thank you for the beautiful way that all of this is given. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:05:25.01 → 0:05:47.62
I really appreciate it. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses. Okay, all of that out of the way. Thank you for your patience. I know that when it's launching time, when I'm in course launch mode, the introduction tends to be a little lengthier, so I appreciate you sticking with me.
0:05:47.72 → 0:06:31.92
Let's talk about toxic relationships and why they're so hard to recover from. As I said in the introduction, oftentimes when we've been in a toxic relationship, when we eventually get to the point where that relationship ends, for whatever reason, you would think that we would be really relieved. And I think on some level, we can be the part of us that knows that that was costing us a lot emotionally, physically, potentially, mentally. The part of us that's exhausted and drained might feel a sense of relief that we're through the other side of that. But at the same time, I think for many people, the overwhelming feeling is one of confusion and grief and maybe shame.
0:06:32.03 → 0:07:08.96
I think that we can have a lot of shame around what we put up with and for how long. I know that I've experienced that myself. But a lot of these relationships end in a way that is not satisfying, it's not tied up nicely in a way where we can make sense of what happened and why. And I think that we talk so much about closure and the need for closure at the end of a relationship, and it's rare that a really toxic, dysfunctional dynamic is going to leave you with a sense of closure. Because if we really unpack, what do we mean by closure?
0:07:09.02 → 0:08:05.80
It's a sense of acceptance, a sense of understanding what happened and why and the very nature of dysfunctional toxic dynamics is that there's not a lot of sense to it. It might have been very chaotic and unpredictable and confusing and inconsistent. Probably not great communication, probably high conflict, maybe turbulence. You probably never felt terribly validated or understood by this person in a way that really allowed you to feel emotionally safe with them. And so it's almost like you've spent whatever period of time it might have been months, it might have been years, you've spent that time banging up against a wall, trying to make it work, only to then slump down in defeat and just feel totally spent, but also really defeated by the fact that you weren't able to get there.
0:08:06.17 → 0:09:31.89
And that sort of brings me to part of why I think it's so hard, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment, your baseline tendency in relationships is to just try everything and try it again and again and again, right? It's really, really hard to walk away from a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it is, because your blueprint is to keep pushing, right, to keep trying to get over the line, to get someone to show up in a certain way, to get them to give you the comfort, the validation, the connection that you're craving from them. And in a weird sort of way, the more erratic they are, the more inconsistent they are, the more your anxiety flares up and really drives you to do that over functioning backbending thing of just trying to get someone to be there for you. Striving proving people pleasing, fawning, whatever it might look like, your efforts tend to ramp up commensurate with their chaos and that's not meant to abrogate responsibility. On one side, I think that these dynamics are almost always co created and we tend to trigger each other into increasing levels of chaos and dysfunction.
0:09:32.63 → 0:10:17.47
But on the anxious side, and I speak to that experience because I know that so many of my community fall into that camp. On the anxious side, it's likely that you expended a lot of emotional energy and effort into trying to make the relationship work, dysfunction notwithstanding, that you were just trying and trying and trying, and that as that got increasingly challenging over the course of the relationship, your efforts only increased. Right. And you might find yourself isolated from friends and family. You might have really been so consumed by trying to make the relationship work that your world got very small.
0:10:17.67 → 0:11:11.60
And again, I can relate to this, that you become really insular and maybe you don't want to tell people how bad it is because you're ashamed and you still want to salvage it and so you don't want to taint the relationship and your partner in the eyes of the people in your life. And so you just get very small and you get very private and you don't really have the energy or bandwidth to deal with anything outside of this very important mission to try and salvage this shit show of a relationship, right? And that's really, really hard to not only go through, but then to come out of it's. Kind of like the metaphor or the analogy that I always use is like a bomb's just gone off. You're in this war zone and then you sort of come to and you're just walking around amongst the rubble trying to make sense of it and figuring out, where do I even begin to pick up the pieces from this?
0:11:11.65 → 0:12:13.63
Because I really lost a lot of myself in those efforts to make this dysfunctional relationship become some semblance of stability and to realise that you just couldn't get there and that you've now got to deal with the aftermath of that in terms of your own sense of self, self esteem, self worth, all of those things. That's a really, really destabilising and disorienting place to be. So I really just want to validate how very understandable it is if that has been your experience, if you've recently gone through that, if you're in it at the moment, or maybe you've gone through it in the past and you've just maybe been hard on yourself for the fact that you haven't been able to let go. I think that in many cases, as much as we can know rationally, that the relationship ending was the right thing, again, it runs counter to everything in your being to give up, right? And just because the relationship was unhealthy, very few relationships are bad 100% of the time.
0:12:13.80 → 0:13:02.10
And so when all of that stress is alleviated, all of the day to day dysfunction is gone because the relationships ended and you're not having to deal with that oftentimes, you'll be left with this really warped, skewed perception. Of what the relationship was because you're now no longer dealing with the bad stuff, but you have all the memories of the good stuff and you're dealing with the lack of whatever good things were there. So the comfort, the company, maybe there was still intimacy of some sort, all of those things. You're suddenly feeling this gaping void and you really have all of this urge to reattach and reconnect because those things feel so good and to not have them feel so painful. But you have this very selective memory around what the relationship was like.
0:13:02.15 → 0:13:57.35
And again, I think that's part of our brain and our being just trying to make sense of it and trying to make it hurt less is by convincing ourselves that it wasn't that bad or that maybe it's still salvageable. Or maybe we should have one more conversation just to try and make it all make sense, to bring it all into some sense of harmony or rationality or something that we can tie up neatly with a bow and go, okay, I can accept that now because I can tell the story in a way that feels cohesive. Because I think in many cases we don't have answers. And to tell the story as it happened, we can really struggle to make sense of why we stayed and what about that was appealing to us and why we didn't leave sooner or set boundaries, or why we forgave someone a million times for hurting us. All of those things can be really hard to just look at in the light of day and make sense of.
0:13:57.42 → 0:14:39.86
And so we do want to find other justifications and other explanations and other ways to spin the story or to salvage that wreckage. So, as I said, I just want to really normalise that. If you have been through it and you've been hard on yourself for that, I think that that's really common, more so than you'd realise. Obviously, I am kind of privy to this because it's my job and I speak to so many people about this, but I think most of us do feel a level of shame and embarrassment. And so we tend not to be very honest with our friends and family when we've been through something like this because we don't want to admit how bad it was.
0:14:39.91 → 0:15:05.75
And we might judge ourselves for not being stronger, all sorts of things. So just validating how normal that is. And you're very much not alone in that experience. Now, pivoting to how can we help ourselves when we're in this space? I think that the whole closure piece is one of those tricky ones where oftentimes we tell ourselves that we need to get closure from this person in order to be able to move on.
0:15:05.84 → 0:15:56.84
And as I've said before, the great irony around closure is the relationships that leave you reaching for closure, needing closure, desperate for closure, are probably the relationships where you're never going to get it. Because the person who leaves you in that sense of disarray, going back to that visual of standing amongst the rubble, desperately seeking an explanation and a way to make meaning of it, the person who leaves you feeling like that is probably not the person who has the capacity to give you the closure that you're seeking. Right? We tell ourselves that just one more conversation and then I'll feel better. But remember, this person that you're wanting to have one more conversation with is the same person who hurt you or who was unable to emotionally support you or who you had really dysfunctional conflict cycles with.
0:15:56.94 → 0:16:22.77
It's the same person. And they probably haven't magically developed emotional capacity and emotional maturity such that they're going to be able to show up to that conversation in a way that will give you the relief that you're looking for. So if that's one of the stories you're telling yourself, I just need to talk to them. I just need to get closure from them, please trust me when I say that your closure comes from within. It comes from finding a level of acceptance.
0:16:22.85 → 0:16:38.65
And sometimes that acceptance is accepting that you will never fully understand what happened there, accepting that you will never fully know what was going on for them. You'll never know the full truth. You'll never know how they were feeling. You'll never know why they behaved the way they did. All of those things.
0:16:38.72 → 0:17:16.07
There's this level of, can I just accept that I will never fully understand or that I might never know how they're feeling? And coming to terms with that, making peace with that, and really just letting go and trusting that that's where your closure comes from. It's really an inner peace, rather than finding some sort of outer relational story that finally feels cohesive, because sometimes that cohesiveness just doesn't exist, right? There isn't a nice explanation for what happened that makes us feel better. So we just actually need to self source that level of acceptance and peace.
0:17:16.41 → 0:17:59.16
The other thing that I'd say is, in the same vein, people often say, like, I can't move on until I can't let go, yet I can't move on. I'm not over them, therefore I can't move on with my life. And again, I understand the sentiment, we've all been there. But I think the really important thing to understand is that your acceptance, your letting go emotionally comes from taking action. So rather than waiting until you magically feel better to move on with your life, to start rebuilding and taking steps towards whatever the next chapter looks like, I think you need to take those steps and trust that the feelings will follow.
0:17:59.61 → 0:18:43.12
You need to take those steps to create the space in your life for a new version of you to emerge. Because if you just stay kind of static and stuck in this old version where your life looks exactly the same, except now there's this gaping hole where the relationship used to be, then you're going to be feeling that gaping hole every day. And I don't think that it's wise to just expect that to go away. So my suggestion to you is turn over the page and start writing out a new story and trust that you will grow through it and you'll be stronger for it. But there's much more personal power and freedom and liberation in taking that action before you feel ready.
0:18:43.25 → 0:19:01.88
It's like all of those quotes that you'll see on Instagram. It's like you don't wait until you're motivated to go to the gym. You go to the gym and you find your motivation once you get going. And I think it's a similar principle here. Let's not let our feelings be in the driver's seat of our choices that we need to make to really support our well being.
0:19:02.01 → 0:20:07.26
The final thing that I'll say here is I alluded to it earlier how common it is for us to isolate when we've been in unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and when we come out of them again, I think that's a combination of not having the bandwidth. If we're just so swept up in a very all consuming relationship where we're pouring all of our emotional and mental energy into trying to make the relationship work and there's a lot of conflict and dysfunction that's really exhausting and it's easy to just kind of organically become more isolated when you're in that. And then I think the other part, which is maybe more deliberate, is we aren't very honest or forthcoming with the people in our lives because we feel a lot of shame and maybe even embarrassment or humiliation about how bad things are and what we've accepted from this person. So if that's you and that's kind of an aspect of what you've been experiencing, I know that it's really hard. I know that your shame will tell you to hide, but the people in your life probably really care about you and really want to support you.
0:20:07.31 → 0:20:21.66
So I think that opening up to trusted people and saying the honest truth, I don't know how I got here. It was really bad. I was just trying to make it work. I feel so much grief. I feel so lonely.
0:20:21.72 → 0:20:55.78
Whatever it is that you're feeling, trust that the people who care about you care about that experience and want to support you through it. So try not to isolate yourself. Try to reach out to people. That's going to be a really important part of the healing process for you and really deeply reminding your system that you are loved and you are cared for and that you have lots going on in your life. Because again, it can feel very dark and lonely when we've lost that attachment figure in the form of our romantic partner.
0:20:55.89 → 0:21:20.69
So supplementing that with lots of other beautiful, loving, nourishing supportive relationships is really, really good. Okay? I really hope that that has been helpful. I know that if you're in this at the moment, it's so tough and it's so disorienting, but I do hope that this has given you a feel for there being a light at the end of the tunnel. If you are going through a breakup and you're wanting some additional resources and tools for that.
0:21:20.73 → 0:21:39.85
I do have a breakup course on my website called Higher Love. That's a really good one, and it really kind of holds your hand and walks you through the whole breakup process and beyond. So you can go cheque that out via my website and we might link it in the show notes as well. Otherwise, guys, as always, grateful for you. Grateful for your support.
0:21:40.00 → 0:22:07.25
If you like this episode, please leave a rating or a review or a little comment on Spotify if you're listening there, and I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:22:07.33 → 0:22:19.25
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
How to Manage Jealousy in Relationships
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Ever wrestled with the green-eyed monster of jealousy? Well, you're not alone. I'm inviting you to join me on a journey to understand this complex emotion better and explore ways to transform it into a tool for strengthening relationships. We'll explore the various expressions of jealousy, ranging from the healthy to the unhealthy, and shed light on why it emerges, encouraging a perspective of curiosity and understanding over judgement.
Today's episode is especially beneficial for those grappling with jealousy resulting from a partner's past wrongdoings. Together, we'll learn how to create a safe space for addressing these feelings and communicating them respectfully.. So tune in, and let's redefine your understanding of jealousy in relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.33 → 0:00:36.06
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about jealousy, how to manage jealousy in relationships.
0:00:36.17 → 0:01:36.50
So I think unless you are superhuman, the most confident and secure person to ever walk the planet, you've probably experienced jealousy at one point or another in your relationships. And that's because jealousy is a very, very normal part of being human. But I think that we could all agree that there are healthy, normal expressions of jealousy and then there are versions of jealousy that can really send us to not so healthy places, both within ourselves and our relationships. So I'm hoping that in today's conversation, I can give a bit of context for jealousy and unpacking what might be the drivers of that, if it's something that you experience very acutely in your relationship. And also some tips on how you can talk to your partner about jealousy, any particular situations that might be triggering your jealousy, and how you can navigate those together in a way that hopefully brings you closer, rather than it being a persistent wedge between you that really drives your part and undermines the security of the partnership.
0:01:36.56 → 0:02:00.32
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. As I've mentioned in the past few episodes, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature course, is reopening for enrollment later this month. Over a thousand people have been through Healing Anxious Attachment in the last year or so since I first launched it. It's a really powerful programme and it's one that I'm always improving and adding more to.
0:02:00.37 → 0:02:33.33
So this will be the fifth round and it will be the best yet, I have no doubt. If you're wanting to find out more or join the programme when it opens later this month, jump onto the waitlist via the link in my show notes or by heading straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. And being on that waitlist will ensure that you get first access when doors open and also guarantee you early bird pricing, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I love this one. Like a cup of hot chocolate for the heart.
0:02:33.47 → 0:03:05.25
Finding fulfilling relationships in which we're able to calm and offer soothing care to each other is so central to our human experience. Navigating the obstacles that different insecure attachment styles throw up is such a key challenge as we seek to cultivate meaningful relationships. Steph's podcast sparkles luminously with warmth, empathy, kindness and care as she invites curiosity to illuminate how we relate with the most important of tools, insight and understanding that's such a beautifully written review like you must be a writer. Thank you so much for the kind words. I really, really appreciate it.
0:03:05.37 → 0:03:49.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around jealousy. So, as I said in the introduction, jealousy is an emotion like any other and as such it's not something that we should be judging as bad. And yet I think for most of us we've been conditioned to see jealousy as a problem, maybe as a sign of weakness or a sign of insecurity. We might tell ourselves a story that if I were more confident or if I were more secure or more something, then I wouldn't struggle with jealousy.
0:03:49.91 → 0:04:51.75
But I don't think that's true. I think that we feel really ashamed of our jealousy when really jealousy is a very normal and natural human emotion and part of the human experience. The evolutionary psychologists would describe jealousy as a mate protection strategy, meaning when you feel like your relationship is threatened in some way by someone or something extraneous to the relationship, jealousy arises as this emotion that compels you to do something about it, to take action in protection of your partnership. And so when we see it in those terms, it kind of makes sense as an evolutionary protective mechanism that we would feel this jealousy and all of the emotions that might accompany it anger or rage or frustration or fear because it's threatening our relationship. And our relationship is something that obviously we experience as part of our safety and survival.
0:04:52.09 → 0:05:50.63
So when we look at jealousy in that way, all of a sudden it kind of makes a lot of sense, as do most of our emotions. And if you're familiar with my work, you know that I'm all in favour of approaching our emotions with a level of curiosity and trying to figure out why they make sense rather than just trying to shut them down or shame ourselves or make ourselves wrong for the things that we're feeling. That approach tends to only make things worse, only exacerbate the challenging feelings that we're having because we're layering there's a primary emotion of jealousy or fear or anger. And on top of that we're adding shame and self criticism and self blame, which tends to just add more stress and resistance to our system rather than softening the system and creating more integration. So I suppose the first point here is please don't judge yourself for experiencing jealousy because we all do from time to time.
0:05:50.75 → 0:06:40.88
It really is a very natural and normal human thing. So let's try and take the philtre of judgement off jealousy as with all other emotions, because there's really very little to be gained by judging our emotions as we experience them. Now, I think the thing with jealousy is, while I can certainly say and honestly say that there's nothing inherently wrong with jealousy, we could probably all agree that sometimes jealousy can be very all consuming and if managed poorly, it can really damage a relationship. So I think that when jealousy gets out of control, or perhaps I should say the behaviours that might be fueled by jealousy can get out of control. That's where we can get to the territory of really harmful, unsafe, disrespectful, untrusting dynamics.
0:06:41.04 → 0:07:39.07
And I should just clarify here, I'm not speaking about abusive situations, although obviously jealousy can play a part there in domestic abuse and violence and things of that nature. That's not the scope of my work. So really what I'm talking about here is more the behaviours if you are the jealous one of things like snooping or trying to gather information or making accusations or stalking even invading someone's privacy. Kind of getting into this feverish state of thinking that there is this threat to the relationship from something outside and that you go into almost a panicked state trying to regain some semblance of control. And for those who tend more towards anxious attachment, this does tend to look like information gathering and accusation and finding some solace in feeling like you know the truth.
0:07:39.41 → 0:08:19.90
Because the uncertainty of the unknown coupled with jealousy and suspicion can be just maddening for you. And I say that as someone who has experienced it, as I have, many of the things that I talk about on this podcast. So while jealousy managed poorly can absolutely drive a relationship into the ground, I think that jealousy managed well can actually bring you closer. And that might sound a bit crazy for you if that's not been your experience. And jealousy has only ever been something that has chipped away at the connection and has ultimately maybe torpedoed the connection.
0:08:20.03 → 0:09:07.35
And that's understandable. I think that in a pretty classic anxious, avoidant dynamic, particularly one where the people involved maybe lack the skills and the emotional capacity to be empathetic in moments and times of stress, which I think goes for most couples before they've done this work, right. We lose our capacity to be caring about the other person's experience when we're under a lot of stress or we feel like we're being attacked or anything in that vein. I think what often happens in that very classic expression of the anxious avoidance dynamic in the context of jealousy is the anxious person. You're probably very hyper attuned hypersensitive to anything that feels threatening to the relationship because the relationship is your lifeline, right?
0:09:07.47 → 0:10:02.95
That connection is so primal for you and your need to protect it is off the charts. And so any slight hint of a threat to the relationship is going to register really high on your threat levels and you are going to go into full fixing mode or harm minimization or whatever else you might do as a way to try and deal with that threat. Unfortunately, sometimes those behaviours can be unhealthy and dysregulated and highly emotional in a way that is not very productive, that doesn't really allow your partner to meet you in that in a way that is connective and supportive. Now, as always, we have the other side of the coin, which is the more avoidant experience. And we know that the sensitivity is of the more avoided partner, whereas the anxious person is very, very sensitive to anything that threatens the relationship.
0:10:03.15 → 0:11:01.00
The avoided partner is very, very sensitive to anything that feels like an accusation, that feels like an attempt to control, that feels like telling them they have done something wrong when they feel like they haven't done something wrong. And so to the extent that the jealousy is unfounded and I'll come to what I mean by that in a moment, the extent that it's unfounded, an example might be if you're on the more anxious side and you are very jealous of someone that your partner works with because they have a friendship and you feel really threatened by this person, they might be really attractive or really confident or otherwise have some quality that you envy, and so you feel really threatened by them. Provided there's nothing actually untoward about the relationship. Your more avoidant partner might really not take that very well. Might feel like they're being accused of something that they haven't done where there is no wrongdoing.
0:11:01.06 → 0:11:54.79
And so they might really be very dismissive or defensive in the face of you voicing, your jealousy, your concerns. They might feel like you're prying and they haven't deserved that level of scrutiny or surveillance. And so they might become very protective. Now, unfortunately, as is often the case in that anxious avoidant dynamic, when not dealt with skillfully, that defensiveness and dismissiveness in the face of your vulnerability and fear tends to heighten things, right? So if you're expressing that you're jealous and insecure and they're telling you that you're crazy and that you're being paranoid, but they're not really engaging or providing emotional support because they're feeling too attacked or like their backs up against the wall, you're probably not going to get much comfort or reassurance from their emotional response.
0:11:54.89 → 0:13:04.96
And so while you might not proceed with pushing it in terms of outwardly discussing it internally, it's unlikely that you've gotten the relief that you were looking for and then you tend to escalate internally until you next erupt with some other fear driven response. So I think that that's how it can often play out in that anxious avoidant dynamic is you've got hypersensitivity coupled with hypersensitivity to one thing, coupled with hypersensitivity to another. And as always, they kind of click together like puzzle pieces that can really set each other off and exacerbate the other's insecurity, rather than allowing you to build a bridge and come together and find something that is mutually loving, respectful, supportive, of both of your needs. So all of that being said, I did say that I'd speak to this idea of where jealousy is unfounded. And the reason that I want to call that out is because sometimes people are really hard on themselves for being jealous when jealousy is the natural consequence of a breach of trust in the relationship that has happened previously.
0:13:05.10 → 0:14:19.12
I've spoken about this in the context of infidelity and how to rebuild trust after infidelity. But I think that if you experience jealousy and that flows from a past experience whereby your partner has breached trust in a circumstance that looks similar to the one that you're in now. So if we return to the attractive colleague example, if your partner has previously crossed a line with a colleague in a way that was a breach of trust in your relationship, and then there's a new colleague and they're insisting that there's nothing untoward going on, that it looks and feels similar to you, even if there is nothing untoward going on. I think the person on the receiving end of that probably has to give you a little bit more latitude, a little bit more scope and grace, because your jealousy is the natural consequence of their wrongdoing in the past. So that's not something to overly focus on because as I said, I think ideally we want to be sharing and validating a partner's jealousy, or at least be creating a safe space to bring that to the relationship, irrespective of whether it's founded or not.
0:14:19.57 → 0:15:02.85
Because I think ultimately we want to be in relationships where we are a safe recipient for our partner to bring whatever they're experiencing and particularly where our conduct is causing them to experience some sort of inner turmoil or insecurity. Very little is gained from bottling that up and making it our problem to solve rather than bringing it to the arena of the relationship when it is ultimately a relational issue. Now, there are better ways to do that and worse ways to do that. As always, I really recommend that to the extent you're struggling with jealousy and you want to bring it to your partner, you don't want to frame it as an accusation. You don't want to say, I'm jealous because you're doing this bad thing, or anyone would be jealous in my situation.
0:15:02.94 → 0:15:44.51
And why can't you see that? What's wrong with you? Anything like that is immediately going to put someone on the defensive and you're not going to get what you want in terms of having them really hear you and be available to empathise and validate because they're going to be too staunchly in defensive mode and fair enough. So the way that we want to do it is, as always, bringing a combination of self responsibility and honesty and openness and respect. So I think that's really how you deliver it in a way that allows you to come closer into connection as a result of that vulnerability and that openness.
0:15:44.69 → 0:16:44.80
And so sharing that and saying, I find myself feeling really jealous of this, can we talk about it? I recognise that this might be some of my stuff because I know that I've struggled with jealousy in the past, or I know that I've got some of my unworthiness stuff still to deal with and that that can lead me to feel really threatened by people that I feel intimidated by or that I feel are whatever threatening to me in some way because I really envy them or admire them. So I know that this is my stuff. And at the same time, here's how you could support me to feel safe and reassured and comforted within our relationship. Recognising that it's ultimately in both of our best interests for us to be protecting the primacy of our relationship, rather than letting these extraneous things get in the way of that and fester in a way that ultimately erodes the bond between us.
0:16:45.57 → 0:17:30.00
You might recall an episode I did recently with Stan Tatkin, who is a superstar in this space. He's written many books and developed his own couple's therapy modality. But Stan has this concept of thirds, and a third is anything that threatens the primacy of the couple relationship. Obviously this is talking about monogamous relationships, but a third could be a person, it could be a child, it could be work, it could be social media. It's basically like anything outside of the relationship that one or both partners feel is threatening to the primacy of the connection.
0:17:30.08 → 0:18:41.18
And Stan in his work, really emphasises the absolute paramount importance of being pretty proactive about dealing with thirds as they arise, rather than letting them fester because they really can erode the relationship over time and jealousy can turn into resentment and disconnection and all sorts of other things. Whereas if we just deal with them as they arise and we call them out and we bring them to the other person and we have enough of a safe agreement between us that we are going to be a safe landing ground for those fears and those concerns, then that really allows us to approach these issues in a way that is not accusatory and it's not a source of disconnection. It actually brings us closer together because I think to be able to bring to someone your vulnerability and doing it in a self responsible way, that's really a loving thing to do because it's in support of the relationship's long term health and well being. So I hope that that has been a helpful take on jealousy. As I said, jealousy is so normal, it's not something to beat yourself up over.
0:18:41.36 → 0:19:10.12
Maybe the last thing that I'll add just as I'm speaking now, that's occurred to me. If you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and this is more for my anxious attachers. And you know that you get kind of frenzied around it and you get into such an anxious spiral that it feels like you are possessed by the devil and you're being taken over, and you behave in all of these crazy ways that afterwards you're like, wow, what was that? And you feel a lot of shame. Again, you might be able to tell from my tone of voice that I have experience with that and I have been there.
0:19:10.25 → 0:20:11.22
I think a really good idea is to call on a lot of those nervous system regulation tools that I've spoken about briefly on the podcast, but also that I teach very comprehensively in healing anxious attachment. Regulating first, rather than acting while fueled by that frenzied energy of extreme jealousy is a really good idea. So I think kind of bringing some stability and security to your body first, rather than just taking that feeling and letting it become like beer goggles, that makes everything feel extremely threatening and everything feels true and urgent and frantic, and you do feel possessed, like you have to act on it right then and there. And that can lead to behaviour that you really do regret afterwards, because it's probably not the most reasoned and rational approach. So definitely don't forget those nervous system regulation tools if you're someone who can get into that state of real panicked anxiety around jealousy.
0:20:11.33 → 0:20:26.17
Okay? So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, super grateful if you can leave a review. As I said, make sure to jump on the waitlist for healing anxious attachment if that is something that you are interested in checking out in a couple of weeks time. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:20:26.26 → 0:20:46.98
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:47.11 → 0:20:50.12
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Navigating Boundaries with an Ex
Ever been caught in that tricky situation of setting boundaries with an ex? Navigating this territory can be a daunting task, especially when co-parenting or shared responsibilities are at play. We promise to equip you with strategies for establishing firm boundaries and prioritising your well-being during this intricate process. Join me, Stephanie Rigg, as we explore a roadmap to conquering insecurities and fostering emotional maturity when interacting with an ex.
Ever been caught in that tricky situation of setting boundaries with an ex? Navigating this territory can be a daunting task, especially when co-parenting or shared responsibilities are at play. We promise to equip you with strategies for establishing firm boundaries and prioritising your well-being during this intricate process. Join me, Stephanie Rigg, as we explore a roadmap to conquering insecurities and fostering emotional maturity when interacting with an ex.
As we move deeper into the episode, we discuss the paramount importance of self-care when dealing with an ex. It's not just about setting boundaries; it's about setting up your mind and emotions for success. Discover how to handle emotions that may surface during interactions with an ex, and how to break free from unhealthy dynamics. Learn the art of peaceful co-existence as we provide you with tools to rebuild self-trust and look after your mental health and wellbeing. Stay tuned, and by the end of our exploration, you will be equipped to maintain healthy boundaries and navigate difficult relationships with confidence.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:43.99
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about navigating boundaries with an ex. So I think that it's fair to say boundaries as a general topic, an area of relationships, something that a lot of people find really challenging.
0:00:44.07 → 0:01:36.95
I think a lot of us are unaccustomed to advocating for ourselves in a way that feels balanced and confident, while also not turning into a tyrant and dictating to everyone around us how they have to behave. And you would have heard me say before, I think boundaries is one of those areas where people tend to experience a pretty pronounced pendulum swing when they go from never having heard of what a boundary was or never having set one before. And it being a really foreign concept to encountering this body of work and swinging to the other extreme of laying down the law with any and every person that they have any sort of relationship with. And as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle when it comes to boundaries. And I've got many other episodes around boundaries and I've got a master class all about boundaries.
0:01:37.03 → 0:02:24.87
So as a general topic, there's a lot to speak to with boundaries, but specifically in today's episode, we're going to be looking at the topic of boundaries as applied to relationships with an ex. So I think in some situations it's complicated due to structural factors. I know I get a lot of messages from people who may be co parent with an ex where there's been a divorce, or still cohabitate with an ex, or share a pet or work together. Any number of other things that make it hard to have a clean break and have really very defined boundaries that allow you to emotionally disentangle yourselves from one another and move on with your lives. While that might be the ideal, I recognise that it's not always possible.
0:02:25.07 → 0:02:53.95
And so today I'm going to be talking to some specific situations. So first I'll be unpacking why it can feel challenging to set those boundaries with an X. And then I'm going to give a few different examples of how I would navigate boundaries in specific circumstances with an X. So hopefully that will give you lots to work with and lots to adapt and apply to your own situations to the extent that this might be relevant to you. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:54.03 → 0:03:48.77
The first being you might have heard me mention in the last couple of episodes that Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, is coming up again soon, towards the end of the month. I'm going to be reopening the programme and you can sign up for the waitlist via the link in the show notes, which will allow you to be notified when doors open, but also save $100 on the sign up price and access that exclusive early bird pricing. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you enjoy what I do on the podcast, and you'd like to dive into my work in a way that really gives you a very comprehensive, deep dive into your experience of anxious attachment as well as the tools to cultivate a secure attachment and secure relationship both within yourself and with the people in your life. Healing anxious attachment is a really wonderful option. So definitely jump on the waitlist if you're not already.
0:03:48.84 → 0:04:18.51
I think there's already almost 1000 people on the waitlist, which is pretty amazing, but definitely join that if you're keen to secure your place when doors open at the end of the month. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is no matter if you're avoidant anxious or other, if you're open to growth, this is such an amazing thing to listen to. Stephanie speaks so kindly and in such a supportive way and gives such amazing observations and guidance. I can't recommend it enough. I've been working on my self growth a lot in my life lately and this podcast has been a huge catalyst in my growth.
0:04:19.33 → 0:04:40.16
Thank you so much. I'm so touched by those words and I really, really appreciate being part of your journey. That's really lovely to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around boundaries with an ex.
0:04:40.26 → 0:05:19.36
Now, as I said, boundaries are really challenging for a lot of us. A lot of us are accustomed to putting other people first, right? To caretaking, other people's comfort, to prioritising other people's emotions. And so the idea of taking action that is in our best interests, that might have an adverse impact on someone else, can feel very, very edgy. It can feel like it's flying in the face of everything that we've ever known to be true about relationships and about what it means to be liked, accepted, loved, approved of.
0:05:19.49 → 0:06:18.03
For those of us who rely on people pleasing or that compulsive need to be liked and to control how we're perceived by other people, the idea of setting a boundary that might mean someone else is hurt or inconvenienced or upset or disappointed in us, it feels really hard. As I said, I think boundaries with an ex represent a very unique situation because there's a lot of stuff wrapped up in it. So whereas boundaries in a primary relationship, so we'll stick to romantic relationships for the sake of this conversation, whereas boundaries in a primary relationship really require us to find mutually workable solutions. So again, I think this is one of those areas where people kind of misunderstand the point of boundaries. People think that it's about me telling you how to behave with respect to me and if you don't, there will be consequences and it all becomes very authoritarian a lot of the time.
0:06:18.12 → 0:07:23.17
But I think really healthy boundaries allow us to find a way to be in connection with one another that honours both of our limits, right? It's saying, in order for me to be in relationship with you, here's what works and here's what doesn't. And that obviously can show up in a lot of different ways and expressions. But whereas in a primary relationship there is this need for mutuality and I think the more we can convey the mutual benefit of a boundary, then not only does it become much more likely to stick, but it becomes much less intimidating to set that boundary because it really becomes an invitation into more connection rather than feeling like a wall that is going to keep someone out or push them away. When it comes to boundaries with an ex, I think there is more scope to be selfish and indeed oftentimes setting boundaries with an ex will require you to be selfish in the sense of putting your own needs squarely ahead of the needs of someone else.
0:07:23.34 → 0:07:51.61
Now, one of the areas that this often comes up is in the wake of a breakup, right? In the immediate aftermath where I'll get messages from people saying, I feel really guilty, my ex is really upset and keeps messaging me or keeps calling me, and I feel so bad. I feel such a sense of guilt that I keep engaging with them because I don't want them to feel upset. And I feel like I've been the cause of that. How do I deal with this situation?
0:07:51.78 → 0:08:39.95
And I think that that is an area where it's really important that you do set the boundary. Because even though in the short term it might feel like you are causing them hurt or harm by disengaging and by setting a boundary and really holding firm on it, query what you're actually doing by continuing to participate and caretake and be the emotional crutch for someone who you're no longer in a relationship with. I know that it's very hard to set that boundary and I've been in that situation before and not handled it terribly well, but ultimately it just makes it harder for both of you, right? Because provided it's not changing the outcome of the breakup, you're just kicking the cam down the road on that emotional disentanglement that needs to happen. Ultimately, you are going to have to decouple from one another sooner or later.
0:08:40.15 → 0:09:48.65
And so continuing to be each other's emotional support person throughout that process where you're really tender and hurting is not really in either of your interests. So I think it's a really good example of where boundaries might feel harsh and hard, but they're actually kind ultimately, because they're honest and they really support us to take care of ourselves and they support the other person to take care of themselves in a way that is healthier and more adaptive in the long run. So really emphasising that you are allowed to do what is right for you. Insofar as boundaries with an ex are concerned, caretaking, their feelings, their emotions, stewarding them through the breakup and the aftermath of that really isn't your responsibility and frankly shouldn't be your responsibility for either of your sakes. So full permission to set boundaries with an ex that are selfish, right, that are prioritising your needs and your processing and your moving on above the processing, the needs, the emotions of your ex partner.
0:09:48.75 → 0:10:19.06
Trust me when I say that it's in both of your interests for you to do that. Now, I said I was going to run through some specific circumstances where you might struggle with boundary setting with an ex and give you just some quick tips around that. So the first one here, and it's kind of in the same vein as what I was just speaking to, is a scenario where you and your ex have never really had any boundaries since breaking up. There's a lot of confusing, conflicting feelings. You still love and miss each other, but you're not in a relationship.
0:10:19.43 → 0:10:31.33
So you've broken up, but you've still been in frequent contact. Maybe you've still been seeing each other. Maybe you've even still been sleeping together. So I get people asking me what do I do in this situation? How do I let go?
0:10:31.53 → 0:11:08.67
And I think this is one where we need to have inner boundaries and we need to have relational boundaries. And it's one of those ones that feels really complicated but in fact is very simple. It's just hard, okay? And noticing where that distinction lies, the things that are simple but not easy, I think we'd like to tell ourselves that they're very complicated because that almost gives us an excuse not to act. Whereas if we acknowledge that it's actually quite straightforward, it's just difficult, then it's more incumbent on us to stop participating and take responsibility and do something about it.
0:11:08.71 → 0:12:05.74
So I think in the scenario where you know you're not going to get back together, you know that the relationship didn't work, but you haven't had that real clean break at any point and there's just been this lagging continuity of contact and intimacy. I think that's a scenario where having a no contact period and really just committing to yourself that you're going to do that and follow through is extremely important. I've talked about self trust a lot on the show before, but I really think that nothing harms your sense of self trust like continuing to knowingly participate in dynamics that you know, deep down are really not healthy for you and yet you do it from this place of, oh, but I can't help it. I think that's a really disempowered thing and it's not really honest because you can help it. You just have to prioritise your longer term well being over your short term desires or impulses.
0:12:05.80 → 0:12:39.72
And of course that takes a level of emotional maturity and capacity. But you can do that and the more that you do it. So every time you say no to meeting up, or that you don't answer the phone, or that you respond to a text saying, we're not talking and just holding the boundary rather than engaging, every time you do that, you're building that self trust muscle. So if it's that first situation of continuity of contact, you've never quite disentangled. I really, really encourage you to have a firm boundary with a clean break and a no contact period of at least three months, maybe up to six months.
0:12:39.82 → 0:13:30.17
And then if it makes sense, you can slowly start to renegotiate what a friendship might look like down the track. But you do need that time to have space from one another and to figure out what your life looks like without them being such a daily feature of it. The next situation that I want to speak to is where your ex contacts you periodically wanting to rekindle, or maybe not even in so many words. It's just like you get the occasional text from them checking in and in a way that feels kind of suggestive and like they're keeping that channel open and you find it difficult not to engage or respond. Now, I think this one really to me has a lot of like for people who are in anxious avoidant kind of relationship, I think they can fall into this one really, really easily.
0:13:30.33 → 0:14:25.24
So if you are more anxious and your ex was more avoidant and they pop their head up every so often and reach out rather than just holding the boundary or seeing it for what it is, your impulse is likely to be, oh, what does this mean and what do they want? And do you think it's because they miss me or do we think it's because of that? And you probably jump on Google and you start trying to figure it out and decipher it. And the idea of not responding is like the most herculean effort imaginable because everything in your being says not only I want connection with this person that I have an attachment to, but also I want the information, I want to know what it means. And so it really, really takes a lot of self discipline to not take the bait in that situation, to not message back, to not find out what they're up to, to not find out why they're messaging you, to not try and dig deeper.
0:14:25.30 → 0:15:14.22
And to the extent that they do miss you or they are reaching out for that reason, to not really relish the fact that that might be the case, to be able to just say, like, no matter what their intention is, we broke up, and we're having this period of designated space. And I know that that's for the best, and I know that that's supportive. For me to be able to actually just say that and not take debate takes a huge amount of self discipline and then that's a really important internal boundary for you to hold. But I promise you your self trust and your self respect will be so much stronger for it. So having that internal line and then to the extent that this person is persistent or is not really taking the message, I promise you that if you hold firm they will get the point.
0:15:14.35 → 0:15:52.92
But when you are indirect and you tiptoe around it and you try and do it in a really sweet likeable way so that you can maintain whatever impression they have of you as being very amicable and accommodating at all times, again, that can't be the priority. You need to keep yourself safe. You need to keep yourself emotionally hygienic and clean. And if that means just holding a firm line and disengaging even if it feels abrasive, I think that ultimately that is in your best interest. And again, full permission to put yourself first when you're navigating boundaries with an ex.
0:15:53.05 → 0:17:10.11
Now, the third and final situation that I want to speak to, which is a little bit more complicated as I alluded to at the start where there are these structural factors that mean you can't have a clean break with someone. So this might be where you and your ex co parent or you work together and you struggle to navigate those boundaries. This really requires us to find some sort of in between boundary whereby we're able to coexist peacefully in a way that allows us to be civil and doesn't SAP us of a lot of energy by being actively involved in dynamics that are either confusing because there's residual love and feelings there or there's a lot of animosity. I think that just declining to participate in those aspects of the relationship and keeping it pretty, not so much formal but somewhat distanced while still coexisting in whatever manner is required of you. So in the example of co parenting, if you know that there are certain triggers in that relationship, for example, someone being unreliable or hard to contact and you need to rely on them because you co parent and you need to be
0:17:10.12 → 0:17:26.29
able to go between each other's houses or whatever it might be, having very clear boundaries and expectations as between you on how that arrangement is going to work and just not leaving any room for those triggers to arise and clearly stipulating ahead of time.
0:17:26.38 → 0:18:30.52
For example, if I can't contact you when you're meant to be available, here is what I'm going to do with that. So having as much structure and really pragmatic, practical, pre agreed, almost like rules or governance in the relationship as a way to support yourself, to not be so emotionally open to this person in a way that is likely to pull you back into old dynamics to the extent that that is disruptive of your peace. Now, of course, if you have a really beautiful relationship with an ex and there's no kind of emotional gunk there, there's no real residue and you're able to just peacefully co parent or peacefully coexist at work or wherever else, then that is perfectly wonderful. This episode is really not to say that you need to introduce really hardcore boundaries where they're not needed. So of course, take all of this with a grain of salt and with a level of discernment.
0:18:30.66 → 0:19:16.60
But to the extent that you are struggling in finding healthy boundaries with an ex in any of these situations or any other situation, my hope is that today's episode will have given you a bit of a feel for not only that permission slip to put yourself first in those situations that you are really allowed to prioritise your well being and your needs and preferences in that situation. While of course, always being kind and respectful, you're allowed to put yourself first even if it means someone else is disappointed or hurt or upset. And I hope that in giving you those situational examples, that you've got a bit more context for specifically how you might tackle those situations. So I really hope that's been helpful. As always.
0:19:16.70 → 0:19:36.38
Super grateful for anyone who could leave a rating or a review. Let me know what you thought of this episode. If you're listening on Spotify, you can leave a response just to the episode underneath, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. Super helpful for me and it really is so supportive. So I appreciate all of you being here and listening every week.
0:19:36.48 → 0:20:03.90
Otherwise, thanks so much for being here and I will see you later in the week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Breaking the Cycle of Situationships
Ever been stuck in a situationship, that in-between space where you're more than purely casual but not truly committed? In today's episode, we're unboxing this modern dating conundrum.
We're peeling back the layers of why we find ourselves in these non-committal scenarios, particularly exploring the attachment drives that can both lead to and exacerbate this dynamic. More importantly, we'll explore how to opt out of this challenging cycle and pave our way towards healthier relationships.
Ever been stuck in a situationship, that in-between space where you're more than purely casual but not truly committed? In today's episode, we're diving deep into the world of situationships - the gray area between dating and being in a committed relationship. We'll explore the challenges faced by individuals in situationships, the role of attachment dynamics, and most importantly, how to break free from this cycle.
In today's modern dating landscape, situationships have become increasingly common. Individuals find themselves caught in a web of blurred lines, where accountability, responsibility, and duty often take a backseat. The anonymity provided by online dating and technology allows people to keep multiple options open and avoid taking on the commitment or labels associated with a traditional relationship.
While situationships may fall short of what people truly desire in a relationship, it's important to understand why individuals find themselves participating in these relationships even when they desire more. Many hope that they can change the other person's mind and make them fall in love, while others simply enjoy the benefits of emotional intimacy without the emotional labor of a committed relationship.
Attachment dynamics can also play a significant role in perpetuating situationships. A person with an anxious attachment style, driven by a strong desire to prove themselves and earn love, may find themselves gravitating towards hesitant partners. Unfortunately, leaning on potential rather than facing reality can lead to a destructive mindset that erodes self-worth and rarely ends in a successful, loving relationship.
Breaking Free from the Situationship Cycle
Self-Reflection and Awareness
Recognising our own role in perpetuating unhealthy dynamics is crucial. We must become aware of our own tendencies, such as being indirect or not speaking up for our needs. This self-awareness allows us to identify patterns and make conscious decisions to break free.
Clarity and Boundaries
It is essential to be clear on our own needs and boundaries. It's easy to bend the rules for someone we are interested in, but establishing non-negotiables and making decisions in line with our personal goals sets the stage for healthier relationships.
Believing Actions over Words
When someone says they are not looking for a relationship, it's important to believe them. Actions often speak louder than words, and even though it may be difficult to hear, trusting their actions will prevent us from clinging to false hopes and prolonging our own suffering.
Embracing Discomfort
Breaking the cycle requires us to be comfortable with discomfort. It may feel daunting to be direct with someone and risk losing the connection altogether. However, holding onto an approximation of a connection is ultimately a disservice to ourselves. Sometimes, the path to finding lasting love requires taking the road less traveled.
Breaking free from the cycle of situationships will not happen overnight. It requires self-reflection, awareness, and above all, the courage to prioritise our own needs and well-being. By setting clear boundaries, recognising red flags, and embracing discomfort, we can break free from the confines of situationships and pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
If you're struggling with attachment issues, remember that change is possible. Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment, where you'll learn valuable strategies to foster self-love, build healthy relationships, and break free from the patterns that have held you back.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:47.56
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. Um hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we're going to be talking all about the dreaded situation ship. So for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, this is one of those dynamics in the dating process whereby you're kind of in a relationship but kind of not in a relationship.
0:00:47.69 → 0:01:32.62
It might look and feel like a relationship, but you haven't actually progressed to that stage and so you are lingering in limbo or no man's land. And for obvious reasons that can throw up a lot of challenges, particularly if you're someone who leans more towards anxious attachment because having that degree of uncertainty and a lack of clarity around the structure of the relationship, its future, how someone feels about you, all of those things can be really, really hard. It runs counter to everything that you want and need in order to feel safe and secure in relationships. And yet, unfortunately, situationships are extremely prevalent in modern dating and it's something that a lot of people really struggle with. I know because I get so many messages from people.
0:01:32.99 → 0:02:14.51
So I'm going to be talking about some of the drivers of this on both sides. Why someone might hold on to a situation and not want to commit and why you might participate in a situationship even though you really do want the relationship to be more than that. Why do we stay in these situationships that are clearly falling short of what we really want? And as you can imagine, there are plenty of attachment dynamics that we can overlay onto that that can offer us some really useful insights. Alongside that, I'm obviously going to give you hopefully some tips for how to break and shift out of that cycle if it is something that you find yourself stuck in and isn't where you want to be.
0:02:14.60 → 0:02:57.87
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you might have heard me share late last week, that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open and the course will be relaunching in a few weeks time towards the end of July. For those who are new here, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature programme. Over 1000 people have gone through this, which is just incredible to be able to say. It's a very comprehensive programme, you get lifetime access, it's an eight week, eight modules, a couple of live calls with me and it really distils down all of the tools and knowledge that you need to cultivate a secure way of being in relationship with yourself and with other people.
0:02:57.99 → 0:03:30.39
So really breaking down all of these concepts and tools that I teach in a really systematic and structured way. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're keen to dive into my work on a deeper level, definitely join the waitlist via the link in my bio that will ensure that you get a spot in the programme at the early bird price when doors open in a few weeks time. So I will link that in the show. Notes the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is having gone through a broken engagement, I hunkered down and started a healing and growing journey. This podcast has been so eye opening and helpful.
0:03:30.44 → 0:03:54.64
I would not be where I am today without listening and seriously looking at myself without this podcast. Thank you so much for that review. I'm so glad that it's been a source of comfort and insight in a challenging period. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around situationships.
0:03:54.78 → 0:04:49.91
So, as I said in the introduction, a situationship is obviously not a technical term, right? So I don't think that we could rely on any one dictionary definition of this to tell us what a situation is and to tell you if you're in one. But in my mind, it's something that's undefined, something that's falling short of a committed relationship but probably has more regular involvement and intimacy than a purely casual, unattached hookup. So the situationship is not, oh, I've been on two dates with this person and I don't know where we stand yet, and get something that's a notch above a purely casual arrangement, but it hasn't progressed to that next level. And I think another defining feature is it's probably lingering in that in between space rather than something that is just adopting a normal pace of progression and you move through that stage relatively quickly or in a pace that makes sense.
0:04:50.06 → 0:05:40.45
You're kind of hanging out in that limbo for maybe it's weeks, maybe it's months. When I put this out to Instagram, asking my community there to describe and share their experience of situation. Ships some people said that they've been in situationships for years. So being in these undefined, not really sure what we're doing, but we're clearly attached and involved in some way, but without any clarity as to really what the arrangement was or where it was going. So, needless to say, being in that level of doubt and uncertainty, insofar as your relationship status and where you stand with someone is concerned, that is going to be really, really hard for most people, particularly those who lean towards anxious attachment, for whom any sort of uncertainty can be really challenging.
0:05:40.50 → 0:06:48.16
So having fundamental structural uncertainty with someone who you are emotionally attached to in some way is going to bring up a lot of your stuff, right? So some of the things that you might hear in a situation shift, I think these are some other defining features, are regular enough contact and communication. So this might be someone that you're spending time with, seeing regularly, having regular contact with, they're kind of acting like your partner, but with no strings attached, so with no accountability, with no responsibility, with no real sense of duty or obligation. So you don't feel like you have any right or entitlement to rely on them or to expect anything from them because you're not dating, right? You're just seeing each other or you're just something to each other, but you're not actually in that next stage whereby you feel like you are able to ask something of them or to be upset with them or any number of other things that would go with being in a relationship.
0:06:48.53 → 0:08:00.79
So someone that you're in a situation with might say things like I don't like labels or let's just see where it goes, or I'm not looking for anything serious, all the while acting like they're in a relationship with you to the extent that it benefits them, right? So it's kind of all upside and very little downside for the person who is holding out on the relationship progressing to the next level. So unfortunately, I think that modern dating has seen a rise in these situation ships alongside other unfortunate phenomena like Ghosting, because there's a lot of anonymity and very little accountability. So because we're all meeting people on dating apps and it's all happening behind screens and oftentimes separate from social groups and social settings, where it kind of takes you into the real world and makes you accountable. When all of these things are happening in private and happening via technology, it's really easy for people to have a cake and eat it too, to feel like there is always more available, so people are less likely to sign up for things that require them to take responsibility because that requires them to sacrifice something.
0:08:00.94 → 0:09:08.07
And so there's this sense of not wanting to do that unless they absolutely have to. So that then begs the question of why, on the other side, if you are the person who feels stuck in a situation but doesn't want that, wants it to be more than that, why would you participate in this dynamic when it's uncomfortable and harmful and feels like a dead end? So again, I asked this to my instagram community and overwhelmingly the response that I got was I went into it hoping that I could change their mind, right? I went along with it, I agreed to participate, I bit my tongue about the things that bothered me and did so in the hope that eventually they would change their mind, that they would see how amazing I am, that they would fall in love with me, that they'd realise they can't live without me. And so their initial hesitation or their initial reservations would fall away and then we would progress into a proper, serious relationship and live happily ever after, right?
0:09:08.19 → 0:10:12.74
So there's a lot of hanging, our hopes on potential rather than engaging with what is in front of us. And you will have heard me say before that this is a really easy trap to fall into as someone who leans more anxious, because not only are we very motivated by connection, but there is this very strong drive to prove yourself to someone, to earn love, to strive to perform and shapeshift. And so someone who shows some interest, that gets us hooked, right? And then if they are hesitant or reluctant in some way, whereas a more secure person might see that as a sign to walk away, a sign of incompatibility or a lack of interest, but someone who's more anxious and struggles with unworthiness, it's kind of like, game on. That's my cue to roll up my sleeves and change your mind, to convince you of my worth, and in doing so, hopefully convince myself of my own worth.
0:10:12.86 → 0:11:11.29
But suffice it to say, that's a really, really dark road to go down, because as many people attested to when I was having this conversation with them on Instagram, it destroys your self worth, right, because you feel like you've wasted all of this time and a lot of the time it doesn't turn into anything. I would say overwhelmingly, more often than not, it doesn't turn into anything because when people are saying they don't want a relationship, they usually don't want a relationship. They're happy to play pretend on a relationship, but ultimately not have to deal with the hard stuff of a relationship. They just, as I said, get all the upside of closeness and intimacy and sex and company without actually having to have hard conversations or do any emotional labour or be depended on by someone when things get hard. So I think that it's really important to believe someone when they tell you that they're not looking for a relationship, if that's what they say.
0:11:11.38 → 0:12:12.75
I think if we were to say that's probably the first tip of breaking the cycle of situations is if someone is saying something to you that is brutally honest, like, I'm not looking for a relationship or any of those things in that vein, they're probably telling the truth. And that is not your invitation to make it your mission to change their mind or to be the one to save them or rescue them or make them suddenly available when historically they've been unavailable. Don't see that as your challenge. Now, I think it's really important to also recognise the ways in which we perpetuate these dynamics, because, as always, it's very easy to blame the emotionally unavailable, manipulative, immature person who reeled us in and fed us breadcrumbs and tricked us, right? So many people will say that they'll say I didn't realise and at first it was like this and then all of a sudden it was like that and I got blindsided.
0:12:12.80 → 0:13:16.61
And it's not to say that can't happen and doesn't happen, but I think oftentimes we tell ourselves that it was more complicated or murky or that we got tricked when really we were being willfully blind to what was in front of us. And I think in the case where someone is inconsistent and unreliable and flaky from the outset, more or less particularly beyond that very initial rush of chemicals, when you're all very excited about each other, once it transitions into something more steady if someone pulls back and is only very intermittently available if they become unreliable and uncommunicative. But then they show up and want to hang out every so often, but only on their terms. I think that people tell themselves that that's really confusing and opaque and hard to read when really the writing is on the wall. So this is all exacerbated by the fact that, again, for someone who leans more anxious, who struggles with unworthiness, your tendency is likely to be very conflict averse.
0:13:16.74 → 0:14:00.38
And particularly in those stages where you don't feel secure enough with this person to raise any of your concerns. It's likely that you're going to be in a very hyper vigilant mode of observing everything and maybe tiptoeing and maybe lightly trying to suggest or influence and hint at things, but not being very direct in your communication, not really advocating for yourself, not saying, here's what I want. What do you want? It's very much playing into the whole thing, being on the other person's terms, and I understand where that tendency comes from. Of course I'm worried that if I am direct with you that it'll push you away and then I'll lose the connection.
0:14:00.41 → 0:14:52.01
So I'd rather hold on to this approximation of a connection than have nothing at all. And of course, we can have so much sympathy for the part of us that is so hungry for love and connection that anything feels better than nothing, while also recognising how much it's costing us to play along in that and to put our sense of self on the line. For someone who's not really showing consistent, sustained interest and effort, it really is very painful in the long run, as you probably don't need me to tell you, right? It is exhausting and disappointing. And I think it erodes our self trust and our self respect, because I think a part of us knows that in real time, and yet we're too scared to walk away, we're too scared to say that we want more, we're too scared to really own our needs and our desires and our preferences.
0:14:52.83 → 0:15:27.27
So with all of that being said, what do we do to break this cycle? Of course, as with any cycle, it's not something that you're just going to flip a switch overnight and all of a sudden, all of your dating woes will be resolved and all of your patterns will have disappeared. But with that being said, I do think there are some simple ish, if not easy, simple things that you can do to start breaking this cycle if you do find yourself in that situation. Ship trap. So as with all cycles, you need to get clear on the ways in which you participate in perpetuating it.
0:15:27.30 → 0:15:56.20
And I've just outlined some of the things that you might observe in yourself. Those tendencies to lay low, to be indirect, to not speak up, to not be forthcoming about where you're at and what you want. I think you need to know that for yourself. And I think you really need to know what your bottom line is and what your non negotiables are. Because without that, it's really easy to start bending the rules for someone that you're excited about and that you really want to hold on to a connection with.
0:15:56.30 → 0:16:51.72
Whereas if you've got that level of clarity for yourself on here's what I'm looking for, here's what I'm available for, and here's what I'm not available for, then you've made the decision in advance and all you need to do is execute on it, right? Whereas if you're trying to make that decision in real time, when there's a person in front of you that you really want to build a relationship with and you really want to ignore all of the evidence that is pointing to the fact that that is not going to happen. It becomes much murkier and requires extreme levels of self discipline and self control to actually follow through on that and make that decision when we're already attached. So try and be really clear and self responsible ahead of time in setting those boundaries for yourself. What am I available for if I'm not available for some approximation of a relationship that drags on for months on end without any kind of clarity or consistency, without any sustained effort or interest, let it go.
0:16:51.82 → 0:17:35.14
Please believe that there is more for you than that, but you're not going to find it if you're wasting your time with people who are not interested in you enough to really make that effort. If someone says that they're not looking for a relationship, believe them. This is one of those things where it's one of those exceptions to that saying of if someone's words and actions don't match up, believe their actions. I think that that's good advice, except for where someone's words are the harder thing to hear. So if words and actions don't match up, when someone's words are making promises or commitments or big sweeping things, when the words are exactly what you want to hear but the actions don't stack up, believe the actions.
0:17:35.20 → 0:17:55.53
But when the words are not the thing you want to hear. When someone is saying, I do not want to be in a relationship with you, but their actions say otherwise. Believe their words, because their words are hard, right? Their words are them being honest, whereas their actions are probably them having their cake and eating it too. So I know that that's hard to hear.
0:17:55.62 → 0:18:23.93
I know that everything within us wants to believe otherwise. But that's one of those things that I think you should really take at face value. And I don't know about you, but for me, I don't want to be in a relationship that I've had to really fight for someone to want. I think that that's a really hard thing to build on. And I say that having been in that situation, I was in something that we could call a situation for many months and it ultimately did turn into a relationship and a long term one.
0:18:23.97 → 0:19:07.54
But it was really unhealthy. Very unsurprisingly, because it was built on this foundation of a lack of trust and a lack of respect and just feeling so insecure from the outset because it hadn't started on very good terms. And I think that that is probably going to be true in the few cases where the situation becomes something more is it's just not a very nice start. It's a start where you feel like you've had to persuade someone to be in a relationship with you at all and that's just setting the power imbalance at a really skewed level. That's not going to set you up for a relationship based on reciprocity and mutuality and balance and fairness and all of those other things that really allow a relationship to thrive.
0:19:07.68 → 0:19:37.94
So take someone at face value, take their behaviour and their words at face value, particularly when those things are pointing to them not wanting to be in a relationship, if that is what you want. So I hope that that has been helpful, as always. If you've enjoyed this episode, let me know. Leave a review, leave a comment on Spotify, leave a rating, share it with the people in your life. All of that is hugely helpful for me in continuing to reach more people with the show, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you later in the week.
0:19:37.99 → 0:19:59.33
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:19:59.45 → 0:20:02.06
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Care Less About Others' Opinions (For the Recovering People Pleaser)
Are you feeling stuck in the perennial battle between seeking external validation and staying true to your authentic self? In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to detach from unhealthy people-pleasing behaviours that ask us to trade our authenticity for belonging and approval.
Are you feeling stuck in the perennial battle between seeking external validation and staying true to your authentic self? In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on how to detach from unhealthy people-pleasing behaviours that ask us to trade our authenticity for belonging and approval.
This episode challenges you to take a deeper look into your people pleasing tendencies, learn to channel them more intentionally, and cultivate self-worth and self-respect. The goal? To build an internal foundation that allows us to handle criticism and rejection without losing our sense of self.
Listen in as we explore the importance of cultivating conscious awareness around our patterns, discuss how to become more comfortable with who you are, and share practical tips to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:42.93
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am answering the question of how do I stop caring about other people's opinions so much as someone who is a recovering people pleaser.
0:00:43.06 → 0:01:51.85
So I'm sure that this is a question that a lot of people, myself included, will relate to, because I think, to varying degrees, all of us struggle with that tussle between not wanting to be overly reliant on external. Validation or shaping ourselves around what we think will get us the approval and acceptance of others while also not losing ourselves in the process. And I think it is yet another area where there's a bit of mess and a bit of nuance. So I'm hoping that in today's episode I can share some thoughts on that and share some tips on how to build up a stronger sense of self so that we are more resilient to the feedback of others, while not swinging too far in the other direction of totally insulating ourselves and having a false bravado around, not caring what other people think at all. Because I think that to the extent people purport to be completely immune to other people's feedback and opinions and criticism, I think that's maybe not totally honest because I think most of us do care about what other people think to varying degrees.
0:01:51.93 → 0:02:13.75
So that's what I'm going to be chatting through today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that healing, anxious attachment, which many of you would know is my signature course, is opening up again for enrollment later this month. It's an eight week course. Over 1000 people have gone through the programme and it will be back.
0:02:13.82 → 0:02:50.04
This will be the fifth time I'll be running it. I know that a lot of you are already on the waitlist, but if you are interested in joining, do sign up to the Waitlist via the link in the Show Notes because that will guarantee you early bird pricing and first access when doors open towards the end of the month. So jump into the link in the Show Notes or head straight to my website if you're interested in learning more about the programme and joining that waitlist. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review today, which is a best friend advice in my ears. This podcast has been a comforting resource to turn to whenever I'm feeling anxious, confused or doubt.
0:02:50.07 → 0:03:12.58
For the last ten months, I've been moving through the toughest long term breakup I've ever experienced. Stephanie and her coming words and advice have been invaluable to me on this heart, healing journey. Thanks for allowing me to better understand my attachment style and assisting me in my personal growth. Thank you so much for that beautiful and heartfelt review. It's really lovely to hear and I'm so glad that you found some solace in the podcast.
0:03:12.72 → 0:03:49.87
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how do I stop caring about other people's opinions as a recovering people pleaser. So maybe we take a step back to start and look at what people pleasing is like so many of our behaviours, whether we like them or not, people pleasing is a protective strategy. It's one that we've learned somewhere along the way because a part of us is afraid of what would happen if people didn't like us. And that's pretty primal.
0:03:49.92 → 0:04:27.06
I think that we're very social animals, social creatures and we are wired for connection and belonging. Those are pretty base needs of us as humans. And so it makes sense that it would feel important to our sense of safety that we are part of the in crowd, right? That we have a sense of social cohesion and acceptance and belonging. And I think that people pleasing can emerge from that fundamental need as a way to try and manage those dynamics and create a sense of safety for us via the acceptance of the group.
0:04:27.43 → 0:05:11.30
Now, as always, my personal view is not one that is black and white. So I don't think we have to say people pleasing is bad. I think rather, we can look at the ways in which it helps us and the ways in which it gets in the way of our authentic expression and authentic connection with people to the extent that we are performing. Or representing a false view of ourselves or suppressing parts of us that we fear would hinder that pursuit of getting accepted by the group. So I think that having that perspective of not people pleasing is bad and it's something that I need to stop because I'm such a terrible people pleaser.
0:05:11.41 → 0:06:12.45
I think that in some circumstances being sensitive to and attuned to what is going to contribute to social harmony or cohesion or is going to allow us to build a relationship or is going out of our way to be helpful to someone. Those are not inherently bad traits or behaviours, we just need to channel them deliberately as with all of these things. So the more we can bring conscious awareness to and intentionality to the ways in which we utilise these behaviours, I think the better off will be. So then this question of how do I stop caring about other people's opinions as a recovering people pleaser? I think at the heart of this is how can I become more comfortable and self assured in who I am and the choices that I make such that I am less prone to meltdown if I get feedback from someone or criticism from someone or rejection.
0:06:13.27 → 0:06:48.91
That really shakes me to my core because I think that if we've taken people pleasing to the extreme such that we don't really have a very defined sense of self, we don't know within us who am I, what do I care about? What do I think? What are my opinions? What are my values? If we've spent a lifetime shape shifting and deferring to the opinions and values and needs and preferences of everyone around us in this tireless effort to be accepted and approved of, then we don't really have much of a foundation within ourselves.
0:06:49.57 → 0:07:31.19
And I think that can lead to a level of loneliness and self abandonment that can be really challenging. Because when we've totally outsourced that sense of self and validation and we don't have that internal relationship, then of course if someone does reject us or disapprove of us, it's going to feel incredibly high stakes, right? Because we've put 100% of our self worth in the hands of something outside of us. So I think that cultivating self worth and self respect as always. It's almost like all roads lead back to that, right?
0:07:31.23 → 0:08:13.58
You would have heard me speak about that many times before on the podcast. If we can have enough of a foundation within ourselves, that we know what our values are, we know what our boundaries are, we stand up for ourselves, we advocate for ourselves. We are kind and thoughtful and considerate and sensitive and all of those traits that are positive while also not losing ourselves in the process. Then if someone doesn't like it, it might be uncomfortable, right? It's not to say that if we just develop self worth, then all of a sudden we're this super duper confident person who is not at all impacted by the thoughts or opinions of others.
0:08:14.19 → 0:09:14.41
But we have a bit. More distance from it, and we have a stronger base from which we can say, oh, okay, that feels uncomfortable, but it's not completely destroying my sense of self. I'm not going to spiral into a really dark, shame ridden place because I'm not taking some other person's opinion as definitive of who I am. And I think that that is what happens when we don't have enough of an internal anchor is that if someone says that we are, whatever, not attractive enough or smart enough or they don't like us, usually when that has a really deep impact, it's because it's confirming our worst fears about ourselves, right? When we take someone else's opinion and we use it as evidence in support of the stories and the wounds that are very deep within us, that's when it feels very high stakes and very earth shattering.
0:09:14.49 → 0:10:12.38
So I think the more we can build up that self relationship and the more that we can tend to those wounded parts within us that have those fears of nobody likes me, I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm an imposter, I'm not whatever. The more we can tend to those wounds within ourselves, the less likely we are to be really deeply affected by the thoughts or opinions of other people to the extent that they get at those core wounds. So it's not about how can I have this, as I said, like a false bravado or this veneer of I don't care what anyone thinks, because I don't really buy that. I think that most people who purport to be totally immune to being affected by other people's opinions are not being totally honest. And I think that's okay.
0:10:12.43 → 0:11:04.90
I think we can hopefully get to a place where, as always, we find our way to the middle, where I have enough of a sense of self that I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm comfortable with my choices and my behaviours. But I'm not so defensive that I need to shut out all criticism or feedback, right? Because that's not healthy either, if we're so rigid that we can't take any of it because that feels too challenging or too uncomfortable. It's just the other extreme. So we really want to find our way to this place of a strong enough foundation that we're comfortable with who we are, while also being able to selectively take on feedback and criticism and influence from other people who we trust and whose opinion we value.
0:11:05.27 → 0:11:54.67
But that level of discernment and openness comes with internal security. And so it all really does lead back to this need to cultivate self worth and self respect. And as I said, I've spoken about that a lot on the podcast, because I really do think that it's not only incredibly powerful in your relationship with yourself, but it's really practical. Unlike something like self love, which can feel a little abstract and out of reach for most people, things like self respect and self worth are much more concrete in that we can translate them into action and those actions compound over time and we can really see a lot of progress very quickly. So I hope that that has helped you in giving a bit of a sense of what that might look like.
0:11:54.87 → 0:12:35.03
Not so much stopping caring about other people's opinions, but not being so easily swayed or so susceptible to melt down at rejection or challenging feedback in a way that really rocks you to your core and fundamentally alters your sense of self worth. So I do hope that that has been helpful, as always. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be super grateful if you could leave a rating or a review, share it on social media. All of those things are hugely helpful for me in continuing to grow the podcast and reach more people. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week.
0:12:35.12 → 0:12:36.08
Thanks, guys.
0:12:38.13 → 0:13:00.26
Thanks for joining me for this episode of on attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
The Anxious Dater's Guide: How to Remain Grounded in the Early Dating Phase
Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style.
Is your anxiety getting the better of you in the early stages of dating? Well, take a deep breath and let's journey together through this episode where we unravel the common anxieties in early dating, particularly for those with an anxious attachment style.
We'll delve into the raw aspects of why this period can trigger our deepest sensitivities and how we can make this an empowering voyage of self-discovery. From learning to stay grounded, boosting confidence, to finding joy in the dating process, this episode is a treasure trove of insights and advice.
This episode goes beyond mere dating advice. We'll explore:
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Why it's problematic to completely alter your life for someone you've just met, and how it impacts the budding relationship.
How to gain clarity about what you're looking for in a partner and a relationship, and how to articulate those needs effectively.
The importance of taking things slow.
How to get comfortable with the uncertainty that is inherent in the early dating phase.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:37.91
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about how to manage anxiety in early dating.
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:41.06
So this is a topic that is requested all the time. I know that a lot of my content usually tends towards relational stuff meaning navigating dynamics while you're actually in a relationship, but I recognise that for a lot of people that might not be the situation that you're in. And you're actually in that casual dating world and experiencing the ups and downs of anxious attachment or whatever other relational challenges that you have in the context of early dating and really looking for support in how to navigate. That process with more confidence, with more groundedness in a way that actually allows you to enjoy the process rather than feeling like it's just a source of stress and overwhelm and anxiety. So I'm going to be contextualising why anxiety can find us in that early dating process, why it can feel really stressful and overwhelming.
0:01:41.12 → 0:02:26.31
Why it can trigger some of our most tender parts and then also giving you some. Really practical and concrete tips on how to keep yourself grounded and how to hopefully maintain or build a sense of confidence within yourself so that you can be in that dating process from a place of more ease and enjoyment and all of those things that actually allow you to the most of it. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Homecoming, which is my small group six month mastermind programme, kicks off next week and I still have, I think, one, maybe two spots left in the group.
0:02:26.35 → 0:03:14.85
It's a really small group, only ten people, and this is a programme for people who are wanting in depth coaching directly with me over a longer period of time. So it's weekly small group calls and we really go deep. So if you're looking to invest in high level support and really benefit from the community component, that comes with a nice small group, which I know for a lot of people is kind of intimidating as an idea. It's certainly intimidating for me to do anything in a group setting. But the more I do it, both as a participant and as a facilitator, the more I sing the praises of group work, because I think it acts as a real multiplier on our growth.
0:03:14.90 → 0:03:52.39
Because it really forces us into a level of vulnerability that most of us shy away from most of the time. So if you are wanting to work with me directly and you're wanting to invest in that long term high level support. Homecoming is a really beautiful option. The link to apply is in the show notes and as I said, we kick off next week, so if you're interested in that, don't delay. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is as someone with anxious attachment style, I feel both validated and challenged by Stephanie's work and appreciate the constant reminders to look inwards instead of trying to control others.
0:03:52.46 → 0:04:09.32
I look forward to every episode. Thanks from Canada. Thank you so much for that review, Greg from Canada. I'm so pleased that you've had that experience and I think what you say around looking inwards instead of trying to control others is really a huge part of the work. So I'm glad that that's what you've taken from the show.
0:04:09.45 → 0:04:42.79
If that was your review, please send an email to my team at podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around managing anxiety in early dating. Now, I think it's really important to start by saying that anxiety in early dating is really common and normal and is not in and of itself a problem to be solved. It's not a red flag. We don't have to freak out, we don't have to pathologize it.
0:04:42.94 → 0:05:38.76
I think that it is really understandable that we would feel a level of nervousness, anxiety, sometimes excitement, all of these different emotions and feelings when we're in that early dating process. I think that's true for most people. And then I think if we overlay the attachment stuff, on top of that for anxiously attached people, it's going to be particularly stress inducing to be in that in between space of early dating because it challenges all of your edges, right? Things like uncertainty, things like really wanting to be close to someone but not having control over that, wanting to be in a relationship, feeling insecure about how someone might feel about you, wondering if they're interested or not. All of these things are very much alive and present in that early dating process.
0:05:38.89 → 0:06:12.51
So I think that recognising that is an important starting point. Right. Anxiety thrives in uncertainty. We know that in every setting, the more uncertainty unpredictability there is, the more our anxious parts seek to protect us by going into overdrive, by overthinking, by analysing, by scrutinising. These are mechanisms that we have developed to protect ourselves when whatever the situation we're in feels unpredictable and therefore unsafe for us.
0:06:12.55 → 0:07:02.19
And again, when we have this attachment overlay, it acts like a multiplier effect on all of those things that are already there as a baseline. For us as humans, early dating is a time when we are likely to have less clarity and certainty and routine. We don't have the right or entitlement to dictate what someone else is doing, not that we really do later in a relationship necessarily either. But certainly in that early stage there is this sense of not being able to have full transparency over someone, fully accessing them, their inner world, what they're doing, what they're thinking, what they're feeling. We haven't gotten to the stage where we're entitled to know those things and so there are going to be a lot of question marks, right?
0:07:02.39 → 0:07:23.98
Particularly so if it's very early and you've been on one date or you're messaging someone, you just have to be in this level of uncertainty and there's not a lot that you can do to bypass that or to fast track it or to get around it. Right? I think that the more excited we feel about someone, the more anxiety we have. Right? Again, this makes sense.
0:07:24.67 → 0:08:23.06
The stakes feel really high. I think that for those with an anxious attachment style the tendency to want to go from zero to 100 not only in actually attaching to someone very quickly and wanting to go very deep very quickly and build this very intense connection because, again, that feels safer than the in between space. But all of the fantasising of planning your future life together when you've just seen this person once or wanting to fill in all of the blanks with what could be and becoming very attached to the potential or the idea of someone all of those things can stimulate this. What almost feels like a roller coaster or an avalanche of excitement, anxiety. Again, recognising the fine line between those emotional experiences and the felt sense of those experiences.
0:08:23.17 → 0:09:15.15
Again, I think when we have more anxious attachment tendencies we tend to derive a lot of our self esteem and our self worth from whatever is happening outside of us and particularly in a relational sphere. So if I am going on a date with someone and I can get them to be really excited about me or get them to pursue me very actively, then that's going to feel not only exciting in the sense that it would for anyone. Because, again, I don't want to make this out to be some sort of anxious, attachment specific trope to feel good when someone's pursuing you. But when all of our self worth is existing outside of us, and we don't have much of an inner anchor on that, then we're putting all of our eggs in the basket of someone else and letting them determine whether or not we are worth anything. Right?
0:09:15.22 → 0:10:11.40
Whether or not we are attractive enough or smart enough or compelling enough or funny enough or whatever it might be, we are letting them be the sole arbiter of those things. And that is a pretty risky space to dwell in and to live in in this early dating process when realistically you don't know this person, they are a stranger to you. And we're giving this person, who we don't really know a lot of power over how we're feeling about ourselves at a pretty fundamental level. Okay, I think that all of that is compounded by the fact that anxiously attached people also tend to go all in very quickly. So even if on the surface the relationship is very much casual and isn't committed and maybe the other person still kind of taking it slow, you might be on the inside completely consumed by thinking about this person.
0:10:11.58 → 0:11:11.26
All you can do is cheque if they've messaged you a million times a day, cheque their social media, cheque this, cheque that. They're occupying so much real estate in your being that you are all of a sudden orbiting around them, your life has become about this person that you don't even know within a matter of days of first connecting with them. And I think that when we do that, we become very tunnel visioned and again, that can make us much more prone and susceptible to disappointment and hurt and pain if the relationship doesn't work right. We can really get very wobbly when we've only got one leg holding up the table. So recognising all of that and noticing those tendencies within yourself, I think that we can see, looking at that backdrop, why early dating can be such an anxiety inducing process for us.
0:11:11.36 → 0:12:00.54
So part of that is natural and part of that is exacerbated by our tendencies, particularly if you are someone who leans more towards anxious attachment and you do tend to go a million miles an hour and go all in very quickly and want to fast track that whole process. Now I want to offer you some tips on that. Recognising that that experience can be very destabilising and it makes sense why it would be. So I want to offer you some tips, things that you can do to create a little bit more balance to remain grounded or at least more grounded than you otherwise might be in that process. So the first tip I want to offer you is to get familiar with your personal warning signs.
0:12:00.60 → 0:12:45.68
Now, I don't want to be alarmist because I think that whenever we use language like warning signs or red flags and people can be very almost hyper vigilant about themselves, I always get people asking me like, oh no, is it a red flag if I feel excited about someone? I don't think we want to swing too far to the other extreme of being really militant about policing our own behaviour. But that being said, know yourself, right? And if you know that you're checking your phone 5 million times a day or you know that you're not wanting to make plans with friends because you want to be completely available in case this person reaches out to you or calls you or whatever, right, recognise those things and cheque in with yourself and go, okay, what's it costing me? Right?
0:12:45.73 → 0:13:14.90
What is it costing me to do this? Is that a road I want to go down and be more self responsible, right. We can observe ourselves and with that distance and perspective, we can hopefully create space for choice and go, okay, here's the thing I've always done, and I seem to be going down that road by default, which makes sense. We all do that unless we have conscious awareness and deliberate choice where we're going to do the thing we've always done. So recognise it.
0:13:14.92 → 0:13:46.10
What are my warning signs and what is the thing I'm going to do differently this time? What would it be like if I put my phone on aeroplane mode during the day when I'm at work and didn't cheque it a million times and just see? Right. Cultivating that relationship of self trust requires that you act in a self responsible way, rather than just playing out the same loops over and over again with the same painful or stress inducing or anxiety inducing consequences, right? That's not a very good way to build self trust.
0:13:46.79 → 0:14:13.23
The next tip that I want to offer you, which is sort of in the same vein, is set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. So if you know that your anxiety gets really bad around texting and being in this constant state of anticipation on, when am I next going to hear from them? Set boundaries for yourself, say, to someone in the morning. Like, if you exchange texts first thing in the morning, say, I've got a busy day at work today, let's talk tonight. Right?
0:14:13.30 → 0:14:57.87
So you have the bookend that will give you a level of comfort that you're going to have more contact with them later. But you're not in this constant state of being in a holding pattern, waiting all day, anticipating, because, again, that takes up a lot of energy and occupies way too much emotional real estate within you in a way that is not going to be healthy or conducive. So set boundaries with yourself to support your well being. Related to that is, keep up your routines and continue to have a life outside of this person. Again, particularly if this is very, very early dating, I think we need to zoom out a lot of the time and go, wow, look at me, dropping everything to make my life about this person and this connection.
0:14:57.97 → 0:15:13.93
That is not healthy, okay? It's really not healthy. It's not going to get you what you want. And if anything, to be very frank, it's not attractive to just drop everything and be completely available to someone that you've just met. Right.
0:15:14.05 → 0:16:10.88
I think that if you think about it, most people are attracted to the person who has stuff going on in their life, who's got friends, who's got work, who's got hobbies, who's got all of these other things, rather than the person who is kind of like a puppy dog panting at you, tugging at your sleeve or something, right? It's not actually energy that is supportive of a really thriving relationship dynamic, one that is based on desire and anticipation and longing. If you're just permanently available and deferring to whatever they want to do all the time, and don't worry about me. I'll do what you want to do, that kind of energy is not really attractive and I think actually robs you of the excitement of that early period where there is this level of mystery and longing and missing one another. So enjoy that.
0:16:10.93 → 0:16:35.66
And part of enjoying that is continue with all of your stuff, right? Don't drop everything to be available to this person all the time. If they want to see you, you will see each other. You don't have to be permanently available in order for that to happen. So keep going to the gym or keep going to social events that don't include this person.
0:16:36.03 → 0:17:02.86
Keep up with your life and allow them to fit into it and vice versa, rather than completely rearranging your life to accommodate someone that you've just met. Okay, the next tip is be clear in what you're looking for both within yourself. So be really honest with yourself. What am I looking for? It always amazes me how few people actually have clarity around what they're looking for in a relationship and in a partner.
0:17:03.00 → 0:17:33.40
I think particularly, again, if you tend towards anxious attachment, the sole criterion tends to be that someone is pursuing me and wants me because that feels so good to us. So I think that having a level of discernment that goes beyond that as the sole criterion is going to work in your favour, for obvious reasons. So get really clear what am I looking for in a bigger sense structurally in my life? Am I looking for a long term partner? Am I looking for someone to have a family with?
0:17:33.50 → 0:18:02.99
Am I looking for something casual? Know that for yourself and be really clear on it. Know what your deal breakers are, know what your non negotiables are, know what your values are, what are the things that are really important to you and a partner. Have clarity around that for yourself because otherwise you're just kind of treading water in high seas and grabbing onto anything that you might float past you along the way and say they'll do, right? So be discerning.
0:18:03.12 → 0:18:43.02
You're much more likely to have not only success in finding a partner who's a good fit for you, obviously, but you have a lot more self confidence when you actually know what you're looking for and you can comfortably say no to the things that aren't a fit. The corollary of that is be clear in what you're looking for as between you and whoever you are exploring a connection with. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to lay down the law on the first date and tell them, here's my five year plan. Do you fit into this? But equally, I don't think that you need to be cagey or dishonest around what you're looking for.
0:18:43.20 → 0:19:32.99
And I think the sooner that you can reveal any structural incompatibilities between you to the extent that those exist, the better off you are, right? Because it's just a waste of time. So be very direct around what you're looking for and trust that the people who are looking for the same thing are going to receive that positively rather than being freaked out by it or turned off by it. The next piece of advice that I want to give you is go slower than feels natural. So again, if you turn more towards anxious attachment, your impulse is going to be how quickly can I forge a really intense connection with this person that allows me to kind of sink my teeth in and establish a level of safety via proximity and control, right?
0:19:33.19 → 0:20:09.93
Being in that in between space where we don't really know what the relationship is yet feels very, very out of control for most people. And so all of your protective parts are going to be urging you to find a way to fast track whether that's by having very intense conversations or disclosures or expressing emotions or whatever other things might feel like a way to almost leapfrog over that in between stage of early dating. Your body and your being is going to be telling you to do that. And I get it. I have been historically terrible at taking this advice that I'm giving you now.
0:20:10.05 → 0:20:58.57
But nevertheless, I think it's really important and it's a massive growth edge for us as anxiously attached people. There's a lot of really fruitful personal work in this particular tip. So go slower than feels natural. Dwell in that space of the unknown and uncertainty, feel the discomfort of that and choose to build up your resilience and your capacity to be in that rather than to frantically try and find ways to opt out of that discomfort or to bypass it or to, as I said, to kind of leapfrog over it. So learn how to be in that in between space, go slower than feels natural and build up your tolerance level for discomfort in the process.
0:20:58.77 → 0:21:40.53
And last but not least, try and really soak up the excitement of this period without feeding the anxiety. Right? For a lot of us when we have excitement, it comes with a side of anxiety or stress because we don't trust that something good won't become something bad. We might have had experiences where we got excited about someone and then we got disappointed and that makes us very on guard or on alert for the fact that as soon as there's something good, something bad is going to follow. Soon thereafter we're going to get rejected by this person who is currently showing interest in us.
0:21:40.62 → 0:22:53.02
And as soon as we've got that other voice that's saying it isn't safe to just be excited, then anxiety takes over, right? That protective part is going to be stronger and louder than the part that feels optimistic and excited and that really robs us of the beauty of this experience, of getting to know someone or multiple people and being curious and being open and being playful and being flirtatious and all of those things that are a really beautiful part of that experience. We are denying ourselves of that opportunity when we go straight into anxiety and control and manipulation and how do I get myself a sense of safety here in a way that allows me to opt out of this discomfort? So try to play with can I just feel and enjoy the excitement of this experience without trying to grip it or hold on to it or ensure that I don't lose it? Can I actually just be present with the good stuff while it's here, rather than finding ways to let my fear tell me that it's not safe to just feel that positive stuff, to feel all the yummy good stuff in the dating process.
0:22:53.12 → 0:23:33.33
So try to experience that excitement without letting the anxiety cloud your vision and tell you that it's not safe to do so. Okay, so that was how to manage anxiety in early dating. I hope that that's been helpful in contextualising. Not only why it's totally understandable and normal, particularly if you tend more towards anxious attachment, that you would feel a lot of anxiety in early dating because it really is pushing a lot of those buttons around. Uncertainty, lack of control, validation, seeking people, pleasing unworthiness all of that stuff is really front and centre when we're in that early dating period.
0:23:33.43 → 0:24:27.23
So it's totally understandable that you'd be feeling anxiety and that all of your anxious parts would be on high alert and front and centre. But I'm hoping that with those tips, that gives you a bit more of an action plan on how to manage that for yourself, so that you can not only try and soothe the anxiety, but you can actually really stay connected to a sense of self and build that self trust and self worth in the process so that you can actually enjoy being in that dating process rather than feeling like it's just stressful all the time. Because for obvious reasons, that is going to rob you of all of the positives of dating and getting to know people and building connection. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm super grateful. For those of you who leave reviews and ratings, it really is the most helpful way to get the word out about the podcast.
0:24:27.65 → 0:24:44.44
Share it with the people in your life, share it on social media, all of those things are a huge help to me and I am so appreciative for all of you who tune in and who do share and review the podcast. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks guys.
0:24:47.05 → 0:25:09.10
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
The Art of Secure Relating with Stan Tatkin
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by the one & only Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT. Stan is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of PACT (a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), as well as being a prolific author of several best-selling books such as Wired for Love and most recently, In Each Other's Care. Stan joins me to chat with me about how we can experience conflict within relationships in a safe way and really build secure foundations in our relationships.
In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by the one & only Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT. Stan is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of PACT (a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), as well as being a prolific author of several best-selling books such as Wired for Love and most recently, In Each Other's Care.
In this episode, Stan joins me to chat with me about how we can experience conflict within relationships in a safe way and really build secure foundations in our relationships.
We'll cover:
How launching into self-protecting patterns can harm our relationships
The concept of secure functioning in a relationship
How regret can be a powerful teacher
The concept of the couple bubble
Finding acceptance for our partner's imperfections
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:33.76
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm delighted to be joined by Stan Tatkin.
0:00:33.90 → 0:01:00.46
If you don't know Stan, he is an author, a rather prolific author and couples therapist. He's also the founder or co creator of the Pact Institute. And today we're going to be talking all about conflict in relationships and how we can experience conflict in a safe way and really build secure foundations in our relationships so that we can grow together through conflict. Stan, welcome. Thank you so much for being here.
0:01:00.59 → 0:01:16.90
Thank you, Stephanie. It's really nice meeting you. Yeah, likewise. So your book that has just been released is called In Each Other's Care a Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and how to Work Through Them. I must say, I love the title of in each other's care.
0:01:16.95 → 0:01:54.98
There's something very beautiful and tender about that. Thank you. Actually, that is a phrase that was there from the very beginning when I developed Pact. It was based on a psychobiological notion that human beings, human primates, are built to co regulate or mutually regulate in close proximity, particularly face to face, eye to eye. And so couple therapy had been focused on, I think, self regulation more.
0:01:55.67 → 0:02:39.58
And the way it works, starting with infants and caregivers, is this is the motion, nobody can see this, but I'm crossing my hands over. Instead of being in your own care, in the primary attachment relationship, you're actually in each other's care. And that's actually more efficient and a better way to think and operate than being in one's own care only, which is a one person psychological system. Yeah. It's ironic, though, isn't it, that a lot of the time we've launched so quickly into self protective patterns and maybe we forget about the part of our responsibility to be in each other's care.
0:02:39.63 → 0:03:14.33
And that co regulation, that reciprocity of care. Because I think we can become very self centred or self absorbed when we launch into that self protective pattern, when we are feeling threatened in our relationship. So it feels like there's this tussle at play, and that in intimate relationships, sometimes that person who's closest to us can raise the alarm more than anyone else in our systems. Well, the reason for that is because we recognise each other, especially if it's a family member. Right?
0:03:14.40 → 0:04:23.78
We recognise each other and we have a memory and a history of threat cues, of facial expressions and vocal tone and movements and postures and gestures, but also words and phrases that trigger a threat memory. So that's family. But when you fall in love and you find somebody that you want to be with. There's a general belief in pair bonding with humans that we only pair bond with people with whom we recognise and find familiar enough, which means that we're going to be proxies for everything and everybody that we've experienced going all the way back to childhood. So that's why it's so difficult because we're memory animals and we also have a survival instinct and you would think that we would know the difference between friend and foe and be able to hold on to an idea that this is our child, this is our partner, this is the person I love.
0:04:24.31 → 0:04:42.31
But we're easily threatened and when we are, our brain changes and we revert to self protection and that's unfortunately, fortunately the human condition, it knows no gender, no sex, no culture.
0:04:44.73 → 0:05:24.57
It is all of us. And that's one of the struggles that we have to recognise and learn how to override our primitive nature. Yeah. And it's been a huge part of my own personal journey. And the work that I do with other people is cultivating a level of mastery, or at the very least, conscious awareness over those triggers and going, okay, if I'm launching into physiologically, in a very felt sense, kind of way, rather than just following the feeling and acting on it, can I get curious about what it is about this situation or this moment, this dynamic that feels unsafe to me?
0:05:24.66 → 0:06:04.23
Can I dig a little deeper and approach myself with a level of curiosity rather than just launching into an attack on my partner or defensiveness or any of the other things that we can so easily fall into? Well, even your mentioning of the word curiosity sets you apart from most. Most people are not curious. Most people are not curious in relationship, they're not curious about themselves, their history, they're not curious about how their mind works and they're not curious of how their partner's mind works. That is unfortunately a very small part of the world population.
0:06:04.33 → 0:06:45.95
Most of us are just going about our day, doing what we think is right based on our upbringing, based on our family culture, based on what we know and what we've experienced in our lives and that's about it. The only people that do question I think are people that are enriched in their environment. But even those people, I believe there has to be some suffering in one's life to motivate one to be interested oneself another. It's great that you think about curiosity. I wish most more people did.
0:06:46.10 → 0:07:28.28
Yeah, I think that you're right. I think there's a level of suffering or struggle and we get to a point where we can't just claim victimhood anymore without looking. Certainly if we want to make meaningful change we have to take responsibility and go, okay, what's actually going on here? Because if I'm just living out the same pattern, the same variations on a theme in consecutive relationships or even within the same relationship, there's something there to look at. And I think that with any of these things, it's an invitation into curiosity and to go, okay, can I approach myself with that lens of what is going on here?
0:07:28.41 → 0:08:01.16
Regret. Lots of studies on regret being essential for learning. And Peter Fonnie, wonderful psychoanalyst and thinker in Britain, and somebody who studies infants as well, did a study on people who don't regret. And these are basically people who are doing gambling and whether they learn from their mistakes. And he found, and others found that people who don't regret don't change, they don't learn.
0:08:01.77 → 0:08:33.29
And so loss and regret, remorse, grieving is an essential part of growing up and becoming a better, wiser, smarter person. Yeah. And I think there's such an important distinction between regret, which can guide us to course correct, and shame, which tends to sink us into numbing or low self worth and can keep us stuck. But I agree. I think regret can be a very powerful teacher if we're willing to learn the lessons here.
0:08:33.38 → 0:09:23.70
Regret, I'm thinking less about shame because that's not a change agent either, but more aligned with guilt, more aligned with loss, a higher level of development than simply being ashamed. Yeah. So maybe we could take a step back and talk a little more about this concept of secure functioning that you set out in the book. Relatedly I remember from Wired for Love, one of your earlier books, this concept of the couple bubble. I would love for you to give us a bit of an overview of those concepts and maybe set the scene on what we can hope for and what we should be working to build in our relationships and the importance of that secure unit at the heart of a relationship.
0:09:24.15 → 0:10:08.69
So a lot of my thinking comes from research and science, but I've always been a clinician at heart, even though I love teaching clinician at heart. And the challenge has always been how to make the science understandable to a lay audience, but also how to communicate. That my work with my clients, right? And so that's been a constant. At the bottom of this has to do with what we understand about our species and what we understand about infant attachment and attachment throughout the lifespan and then also how the brain develops, particularly the social, emotional brain throughout.
0:10:08.71 → 0:10:50.85
The lifespan and the differences between us all in terms of our abilities, our diversity, in terms of being able to operate under different conditions, especially stress. So the couple bubble comes from the idea that we are a species that forms dyads and herds. And so we're particularly diadic. I know they're outliers people that are not, but we tend to form diads. And those diads replicate the earliest DIAD or the earliest experiences of dependency with our caregivers.
0:10:50.95 → 0:11:31.56
And so it operates by certain rules, whether we like it or not. It's just there's a biology behind primacy that if you and I are in a romantic relationship and we've already feel like we've committed. There's a tendency to expect and to have a certain amount of entitlement to being primary, not secondary or tertiary or being demoted. We're central and other people tend to orbit around us unless we agree otherwise. Right?
0:11:31.69 → 0:12:04.02
So a couple bubble basically is a unit of two operating as a two person psychological system of interdependence. In other words, you and I as adults have the same thing to gain, same things to gain, same things to lose. And we're supposed to be in a free society, a union of shared power and authority. Therefore we protect each other from the environment. This is true throughout the mammalian world.
0:12:04.55 → 0:12:36.83
Peer bonding isn't just for procreation or taking care of the young, but it's also a survival mechanism. We're better in numbers. And so in a dietic situation you and I have to we don't have to, but if we want the relationship to last, we have to operate by certain ideas that if we don't protect each other in public and private, we will view each other as unfriendly, we'll view each other as adversaries.
0:12:38.85 → 0:13:24.92
So we protect each other from each other and everyone else by working together and being sensitive to each other. So the couple bubble basically is our protection from the world that is as it's always been frivolous, unpredictable, indifferent, opportunistic and scary as it's always been. Yeah. So I wonder if the couple bubble is this idea of the relationship comes first and there's this primacy to the relationship unit and we both have this duty to protect that and to protect one another and to prioritise that. I wonder if there are any other examples of maybe principles that come out of the concept of a couple bubble in a more practical or tangible way.
0:13:24.94 → 0:13:53.81
If people are interested in what that might look like in a relationship, how do you establish and protect a couple bubble? So people should understand that secure functioning isn't the same as secure attachment. Secure functioning is based on social contract theory. It's a series of social contracts between you and I. So we don't have a duty of any kind unless we decide that is the case.
0:13:54.01 → 0:14:30.28
So you and I come together to create something called a relationship which actually doesn't really exist in life. It is an abstraction, it's something we co create. And otherwise you can't take a picture of a relationship, you just take a picture of people. So the relationship that you and I have has to have a certain consciousness to it can't be just based on love and attraction, right? It has to be or should be based on purpose.
0:14:30.47 → 0:15:01.07
Why do we exist? What are we going to do? And what are we never going to do? Just like any union that forms because of common interests, common needs, either we need to survive or we need to win or we want to make money or why are we doing this? And so the same with the couple that if we don't, you and I co create, like moulding a block of clay.
0:15:01.57 → 0:16:04.04
We're shaping something that is uniquely ours throughout our time together and that it's based on fairness and justice and mutual sensitivity that we have to work together as allies or we cannot work. If you imagine being in a potato sack race, I don't know if they have potato sack races in Australia, but if you have that image, you know that if you and I were to do that, we would have to work together or we will look ridiculous. If I move ahead of you, we'll both fall. If we pull in different directions, we don't go anywhere. That's the same thing that's this you and I have to find where we are the same and where we agree, so we can move together and create the things we want and to solve the problems that we face without trying to solve each other, which is war.
0:16:04.22 → 0:16:42.10
I love that last line, solving the problems without solving each other. I put out a video last week and it said one of the most loving things you can do is accept your partner. It's really something that we maybe don't realise how consistently we reject or disapprove of or try to change our partner to meet our own ends. And I was met with this barrage of comments from people saying, well, if I accept them the way they are, then I won't get my needs met. And there was this very self protective thing and so I would love you to speak more to that.
0:16:42.20 → 0:16:58.05
How can both of those things exist? How can I accept and love you and how can we negotiate? So there's space for both of us to thrive here. To accept each other as is is to be in reality. Is to be in reality.
0:16:58.63 → 0:17:10.92
I accept you as you are, perfectly imperfect, as am I. Annoying, a pain in the ass. As am I. Disappointing, contradictory. As am I.
0:17:11.69 → 0:17:29.10
A burden. As am I. So what what's next? How are we going to work together as those things? Because there has to be something greater than our comparing and contrasting mind, which is always at work for good reason.
0:17:29.95 → 0:17:59.80
If we're trying to pick fruit and write fruit, comparing and contrasting, very good. This car, that car, very good. But other times it is how we get disappointed, feel let down, feel like, I'd rather be with this person than that person. We have features in our mind that are really important for survival but not great for happiness. Like always being aware of what we don't have.
0:18:01.77 → 0:18:23.28
So the mature person understands this and accepts that good enough is perfect. There is no perfect. Good enough is perfect. And you are working together, so I accept you as you are. I don't need you to change, you don't need me to change but that's different than how you and I will do business.
0:18:24.29 → 0:18:38.78
There's a difference between who we are and how we do business. That's been true throughout civilization, throughout time. That is it. You don't need to change. How we work together is constantly being formed.
0:18:38.84 → 0:19:19.19
So we actually work collaboratively and cooperatively and peaceably. Otherwise we'll damage each other just by being human. And I imagine that the more we can genuinely accept one another we're much more likely to have a level of openness to compromise and to rolling up our sleeves and to doing that work. Because when we're in this mindset of non acceptance once again we're pitting each other as enemies and when we're perceiving threat. Because as my therapist will always say to me if you attack someone they're going to defend themselves.
0:19:19.28 → 0:19:59.37
That is very reliable. So ironically the more that we can accept one another the more likely we're going to have a level of buy in and willingness and openness to do the compromising. So I think that while we might hold back from accepting because we worry that to accept someone means making all of these sacrifices and losing out, in reality it's the accepting one another that actually provides the entry point into connection and doing the work and compromising in a way that just doesn't feel as inherently oppositional and threatening. Well, think what it's like in childhood. It's the same thing.
0:19:59.52 → 0:20:17.60
Imagine that your parents don't accept you as you are. They wish you would be more like your sibling or can't you be like this person down the block? Get that enough. And this is when we want to run away from home that who we are is not embraced. Right?
0:20:17.73 → 0:20:45.10
And it's never enough. That's an injury that carries over. And if we experience that remember the adult primary attachment relationship is almost one to one what the infant mother attachment relationship is. It follows the same rules. It crashes and burns in the same way, it succeeds in the same way.
0:20:46.35 → 0:21:04.98
So the very same thing I can't grow, I can't become unless I'm with someone who looks at me with eyes that thinks I'm good, right? I'm good.
0:21:07.11 → 0:21:38.14
Otherwise I won't have any resources to develop. I won't have any resources to be better. I can't really perform well because this relational orbit is what provides the resources to do life. Yeah. And I think just practically speaking any change or influence over a partner that comes from a place of disapproval and shaming them and criticising it's not authentic, it's not real.
0:21:39.07 → 0:22:18.89
You might be getting what you want in a very superficial way but it's really not what you need. And so I think that providing that fertile soil for growth from a place of genuine love, care and acceptance and respect for the other is so much more sustainable in the long term. So back to secure functioning. I accept you as you are. But we have agreements that protect us and focus us to what we want to be, how we want to be, and how we're going to protect us from each other.
0:22:19.04 → 0:22:55.70
Therefore, I can accept you. I accept you fully, but I can also stop you from doing something we agreed that we wouldn't do if it's a principle. Like, we you know, my wife and I have this we can go to bed angry, but we have to at least touch toes. Now, there's a science behind that, by the way. It's very folksy, the science behind that has to do with us as human primates suffering an existential cris, really a survival issue.
0:22:56.07 → 0:23:24.44
If we are angry with each other and we don't repair it, or we don't somehow say to each other, signal, I'm angry with you, Stephanie, but we're okay. You could say, I hate you, Stan, but we're okay. The we're okay part is the minimal but absolutely sufficient thing that we have to experience. Otherwise, we suffered greatly and we get sick. It's not a matter of politeness.
0:23:24.50 → 0:23:51.42
We actually truly get sick because we're in an existential cris akin to when we were infants. And so people don't understand that. And so touching toes, whether touching toes or touching at all, it tends to be an unequivocal signal of friendliness. And then we can sleep. And usually we don't even have to revisit anything because that's enough to just drop the hostility.
0:23:51.61 → 0:24:31.11
Yeah. And I think for so many of us who haven't, for whatever reason, whether it's childhood or previous relationships, a lot of people haven't learned that I can be angry with you and still love you. And that really makes conflict feel so high stakes and so deeply threatening, which, again, exacerbates all of the self protective mechanisms both at a neurobiological level and at an intellectual level. But when I don't think that we can have conflict and still be okay, then of course it feels very dangerous, and we're going to act accordingly. A lot of this is development.
0:24:31.21 → 0:25:25.01
A lot of this is, if I could, I would. This idea of when I am upset with you, to be able to keep things in mind that I love you, I'm mad at you, want to punch you, but I adore you. Holding those two things in mind is a developmental achievement for many and is very hard to hold. To be able to remain a two person psychological system under stress is really hard, because if my heart rate goes up a certain level or yours and our blood pressure goes up a certain level, it's very hard to maintain an ability to think, first of all. But also, we are more likely to protect our own interests.
0:25:25.21 → 0:25:49.85
The more aroused we get. Unless we're skilled and unless we have a greater sense of purpose, unless we understand and have practise right. How to keep us from going off a cliff every time, right. One of us has to do something that is extremely friendly to the other person to snap them out of it. Otherwise we both keep going off.
0:25:50.00 → 0:26:27.83
This is the human condition, is what I was talking about. Everybody will do this unless they understand how this works. Well, I think that'd be a really nice segue into sharing some practical tools for threat reduction or ways that we can bring the temperature down when we feel that those cues are starting to arise, whether it's in anticipation of a hard conversation or there's some sort of stress in the relationship. What are some things that people can do that are really effective? Because I find this is so useful because it is tangible and it's easy a lot of the time.
0:26:27.90 → 0:26:40.57
Once you know how to do it, it's simple. It's just hard to do simple. Yeah, that's probably better. Simple, but not easy. When you go live with people who are people are really difficult, especially when we go live.
0:26:40.69 → 0:27:04.48
Right. That's a real experience that moves at lightning speeds and is being processed subcortically by recognition systems. We mostly are using pattern recognition most of our time during the day. That makes everything easier. But it also leads to bias, it leads to prejudice, it leads to shooting first and asking questions later and recognising something.
0:27:04.53 → 0:27:36.99
And if I feel threatened, I'm going to act, right? I don't think so. It's both a nice thing and it's a problem. This book, I just realised recently why I start to over focus on certain things. Everything I've learned, I obsess over until I know it inside and out and I can feel confident in the reliability of the idea.
0:27:37.14 → 0:27:58.64
Right? And so with this book, I realised, looking back, that my obsession was on structure and the manner in which we interact when one or both of us is under stress. Those are two areas that will tank any relationship. They're sooner or later having no structure. We didn't co create anything.
0:27:58.82 → 0:28:09.22
We don't have a shared vision of where we're going and why. We don't have a shared purpose other than love. Right? We have each other's backs. We're survival team.
0:28:09.32 → 0:28:19.27
We're radical protectors of each other. We're time travellers. We're going to do great things in the world together, right? Whatever it is. Whatever it is.
0:28:19.39 → 0:28:38.19
But no idea of ourselves that looks down the road. And no structure, as if we don't need it. It's astonishing to me that people will continue to just say, oh, we'll do it. You would never do that. I would never do that.
0:28:38.31 → 0:28:46.44
It's nonsense. It's naive. Human beings can do terrible, terrible things without being terrible people.
0:28:50.17 → 0:29:19.29
This is us as human beings. We're wonderful and we can be really awful. And so without having guidelines, without you and I creating a civilization, a society of our ethics, what is our ethical relationship going to be? What are our personal morals and how are we going to rein each other in? How are we going to govern each other is so vital that I can't say enough about it.
0:29:19.41 → 0:29:40.45
Most of the problems in relationship is that there is nothing. They're flying a plane that's half built, a house that's hardly constructed, and it looks weird. It's clearly slap dash. So number one is getting together and starting to think, where do we want to go from here? Why are we doing it?
0:29:40.49 → 0:29:56.20
What's in it for us? And what could possibly go wrong based on what has gone wrong? And to start to actually be hands on with this career. That is relationship, right? That's one.
0:29:56.25 → 0:30:16.42
And the other is, again, the manner in which you and I will interact. When one or both of us is under stress, there's a brain change. Therefore, we have to, again, think ahead. We can't wait to go live every time and rinse and repeat. We have to think ahead.
0:30:17.03 → 0:30:30.25
What will I do next time? I just blew it with Stephanie. Now my tendency, as everyone's tendency, is to blame Stephanie. What should Stephanie do next time? Stephanie.
0:30:30.30 → 0:30:46.47
Is there's a problem with Stephanie? Right, that's what we all do. But that will not work. The only thing that works is I have to think that I'm responsible for Stephanie's reactions. I'm her handler.
0:30:46.63 → 0:31:22.04
I am the one who's supposed to be masterful at Stephanie. I'm supposed to know how to handle Stephanie at any time, in any state she gets into, without using a stick or a whip. That's because that's where my focus goes. And that's one thing that people can start to orient towards. Think about your approach, what you're doing, what your face could be doing, what your voice could be doing, the word choices that you're using.
0:31:23.05 → 0:31:48.45
If your partner is upset you did something, accept it. You did something right? You don't get angry at your horse because you approach it in the wrong way and it gets skittish. You don't beat the horse for reacting because you scared it. If you keep approaching your horse that way, who's the idiot?
0:31:48.63 → 0:32:06.00
Okay, so not that you're a horse, Stephanie, but we're animals. We're animals. You are the animal I picked. My job is to be competent, but we don't think about that. I want you to be competent with me.
0:32:06.02 → 0:32:31.85
I don't think I should have to do anything. And that is, again, part of the human condition. Human beings are by nature selfish, self centred, moody, fickle, opportunistic, xenophobic and very warlike. Very warlike. If we don't realise that and put things in place, we get what we pay for, which is nothing or a lot of grief.
0:32:31.93 → 0:32:49.05
So this is just, again, being in reality. So I have to learn you. I have to take responsibility for you, your reactions. I don't blame you for your perception. I don't argue that my face didn't do that.
0:32:49.14 → 0:33:02.83
First of all, I don't know what my face did. And secondly, who cares if you felt it and you were hurt I better take care of that or I'm going to pay for it. Right? We're connected. We're intertwined.
0:33:02.88 → 0:33:11.62
Our fates are hooked in. Right. There's no way I can separate that from you. Like the potato sack race. There's no way I can do that.
0:33:11.80 → 0:33:38.77
Anything else is a misunderstanding of the situation. Therefore, it's a different orientation, it's a different way of thinking than we normally do. It's not I me and you you. It's us and we we move together in lockstep or we don't move, period. Yeah, it's it's a really radical reframing for a lot of people and the way we do relationships, right.
0:33:38.84 → 0:34:03.01
To say, like, I am actually responsible for tending to you and being attuned to you and responsive to you, it's just counter to the way that a lot of people have learned how to be in relationship. We're entitled, selfish idiots included. We get together and we think we're family. We forget we're not family. You and I are strangers.
0:34:03.06 → 0:34:26.74
We will always be strangers. The formalities of being strangers have to be there. And we're constantly wanting to get to know each other throughout life. That goes against our nature. Our nature is to assume we're family, to automate each other, to never look at our faces again, to remember your face.
0:34:26.78 → 0:35:08.56
I haven't looked at it for a month. I have no idea what it looks like now I have in my head, right? But I don't look. Our tendencies in nature to conserve energy and to not pay attention should be well known by therefore, there is an active working against that, to pay attention, to focus, to be present with our partner. Otherwise, not only are we not enjoying them, but we're not really enjoying life, which is walking, using automation and memory, which we do anyway.
0:35:09.65 → 0:35:34.10
That's it. One thing that comes up for me in listening to the way that you describe that responsibility, to be responsible for our partner as we would an animal handler. I've heard another teacher refer to that film The Horse Whisperer. Bringing Horse Whisperer energy to our partner I think is very apt. I've got to be a Stephanie Whisperer is what I have to be.
0:35:34.15 → 0:36:02.82
Yeah, correct. And again, so often we're doing the exact opposite of that, right? If someone starts to show signs of being threatened or feeling unsafe, we escalate in response, which is the opposite of what we would do with a traumatised, afraid animal. And yet that's how we respond to each other. And some people would be aggressive with a scared child or a scared partner or a scared animal.
0:36:02.93 → 0:36:32.12
Some people will do that because helplessness is the thing that makes us most aggressive. The thing that I wonder, and I can imagine people asking themselves is how do we make sure we don't go too far in that? Because I know that a lot of people in my audience lean more towards anxious attachment. And there can be a pattern. Of maybe taking too much responsibility to the point of tiptoeing or over indexing on that, trying to manage someone else's emotional state.
0:36:32.17 → 0:36:49.23
How do we make sure that that finds a balance point that is interdependent and mutual, rather than one person being the sole caretaker of the other? So I know what you mean when you say anxious attachment. You're referring to Ainsworth or Mary. Ainsworth anxious. Ambivalent.
0:36:49.89 → 0:37:11.11
But your audience should keep in mind that both sides of the insecure spectrum are, by definition, anxious, right? Voidant is anxious. Anxious about being trapped, being having their autonomy, their stuff being taken from them. They're really very anxious, actually. The most anxious.
0:37:12.25 → 0:37:29.80
If we want to look at the physiology of avoidance, they're most anxious. They're just unaware of it. The adult relationship is pay to play it's based on should be based on terms and conditions. Deal or no deal. Therefore, I'm going to do this.
0:37:29.93 → 0:37:45.40
You're going to do it too, if you don't do what I'm doing, because we're in this together. This is a team, pal, right? I don't carry your water unless you're carrying mine, too. We're going to have a sit down. This is not codependency.
0:37:45.59 → 0:38:10.78
I am not doing this in hopes you'll do something for me. I expect it and you should expect it from me. Because we're two, or the only two pillars of this union. Our survival depends on us pulling our own weight and doing what we must to make this relationship worth every penny, every blood, sweat and tear. Otherwise, I'm out.
0:38:11.71 → 0:38:27.91
Now, that's why I say deal or no deal. Here's the problem with that. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? Here's the real problem with that, is the attachment biology. The attachment biology we confuse with love.
0:38:28.08 → 0:38:41.39
It isn't love, it's a biological mandate of I can't quit. You don't even understand it. But we feel it primitively, intensely. It's like we're going to die if I lose you. I can't lose you.
0:38:41.43 → 0:39:03.66
I couldn't say it's the kids or the car, the money, the house, whatever, but it's really also, at the bottom of this, a biology that nature has built in a glue that holds us together for various reasons, none of them having to do with relationship, by the way. Nature doesn't care about relationship. We do. Right? We have to understand that.
0:39:04.03 → 0:39:13.92
So the attachment biology is groovy. It is what makes us stick together. It's what's kept us from murdering each other completely.
0:39:18.93 → 0:39:43.47
But it also can confuse us with love and keep us in a relationship where it is unfair, where it is not in two directions, where it is codependent, which both people are responsible for, by the way. So you and I make sure we're in a foxhole together. This is serious business. There is no pass. You don't get a pass for your drug and alcohol use.
0:39:43.56 → 0:39:56.50
I don't get a pass for my trauma history. I've got to show up or there's no reason for us to do this. I know that sounds cold hearted. No, it's a survival unit, folks. Yeah.
0:39:56.52 → 0:40:25.34
And I think that it really invites people into the vulnerability of being direct about this stuff because we can hide in, as you say, so many of us don't have a map or an agreement or kind of a Bill of rights, for want of a better term, on like what are the parameters of our relationship? What do we stand for? What do we care about? What are our joint values? People would just think about it instead of just assume it all works out, which it doesn't.
0:40:25.40 → 0:40:51.51
Yeah. So often we aren't on the same page and we assume we are and that causes us a great deal of strife and we feel very hurt and we make it mean something about the other person, how they feel about us when really we just weren't brave enough or wise enough to actually have the conversation. Think dance troupe. Think rock and roll band. Think cop car partners.
0:40:51.56 → 0:41:16.15
Think or a military unit you're in the foxhole with. All of these are interdependent relationships based on a common interest and need to survive, to win, to be famous, whatever it is. But that's why we're together. We're not together because we love each other. We're together because we have a shared mission.
0:41:16.49 → 0:41:40.98
Only couples don't do it. And it is one of the reasons why couple relationships on the whole won't last very long. Or they will, but they won't be happy because people won't think of this as a true union of equals and very, very different people. Yeah. And I suppose that's really what makes it a partnership.
0:41:41.04 → 0:41:58.14
Right? I think the word partnership has that quality to it. It's like we're in this together. We're a team. And yet for so many of us, particularly in times of stress or any of the other things that life throws at us, we turn into enemies or competitors when things get hard rather than banding together and being stronger for it.
0:41:58.16 → 0:42:19.58
Yes. And that has to be solid. You and I have to raise the bar and believe in something greater than ourselves. And some people it's God, other people, it's principles, character, values. What you and I believe is truly good together and what we believe is truly right.
0:42:20.03 → 0:42:43.64
Now the question is will we do what's good and what's right when it's the hardest thing to do? And that's where I'm trying to point people, including myself. Right? Yeah. I think that that is in those times of stress, inevitable times of stress when our everything in our being, our body will be telling us to go the selfish route.
0:42:43.83 → 0:43:24.93
It's then more than ever that we need to resist that impulse and turn the other way and turn towards our partner rather than becoming very tunnel visioned and self focused. I do believe that once people start doing this, it's its own reward. It is a practise and I do believe that there is no other system that will last a lifetime. There is no other system that can and be happy because other systems, anything else will end up being too unfair and too unjust, too insensitive. And then there's a build up of resentment and threat memory.
0:43:25.11 → 0:44:02.54
And that is something people do not want because it's the gift that keeps on giving. Right. You and I have done so badly in our interactions, and we've acted in such a way that has been unkind without any repair. And now we see each other as adversaries, even when we walk into the room with each other, because we've built up so much of that memory that there is no more trust. And that's where people will go naturally because of how they did business, how they put this thing together.
0:44:03.55 → 0:44:11.36
Yeah. It's just such a body of evidence in support of all of those fear stories. Right? Yeah. It's just humans being human.
0:44:11.89 → 0:44:37.80
Yeah. It's actually quite rational by that point. It's like, well, I'm making an assessment based on everything I have known throughout our relationship. People should understand that our ability to remember where we're hurt because of survival is very keen. So if I hurt you, I won't remember because I didn't hurt me, I hurt you, you'll remember.
0:44:38.17 → 0:44:52.44
And if I didn't fix that in a timely manner, it'll go into long term memory. And I did that. This is a fact. I created that memory. I can't blame you for remembering this.
0:44:52.49 → 0:45:17.82
I created it because I didn't fix it quickly. If I fixed it quickly, you would never remember. Yeah. Stan, just before we wrap up, what would you say to people who have some sort of resistance to feeling like they need to learn this stuff? Because I think some people feel like love should carry a relationship, like we shouldn't need to learn how to be together, that this all sounds very formal and pragmatic and takes away from the romance of it.
0:45:17.84 → 0:45:39.68
What would you say to those people? I would say I fully understand and party on. I've been at this long enough. This has been my research. Started studying babies and started studying adults very carefully, very systematically, using digital video and frame analysis.
0:45:39.74 → 0:45:57.77
So we've studied faces, studied body, studied how people act and react, things that people don't ever even know because real time is too fast. So I've studied this. I can say good luck to you, hopefully it will work out. But this isn't rocket science. Study your history.
0:45:57.89 → 0:46:15.88
Look around. Watch what's happening today. People have not changed. And so if you think that you can deal with another person through time without a structure, without building something together, without pointing in the same direction, let's see.
0:46:19.21 → 0:46:44.22
There are naturals. I've seen lots of natural couples and they're really good. Until they're not, because life throws curveballs. The vicissitudes of life are such that we can't predict what's coming but we can pretty much guess that what's coming isn't a lot of it's great and a lot of it's really bad. The question is, how good are we when it's really bad?
0:46:44.99 → 0:47:08.60
If we're naturals, we're going to fall apart, because we need more than just being natural, we need training, we need to prepare for that. Yeah. Need the contingencies of all of those pre agreed values and commitments to one another. It's a practise and it's hard to do. This is hard.
0:47:09.85 → 0:47:37.64
I'm stubborn and selfish and difficult as anybody, but this changed my life and I wouldn't be the person I am today, or becoming the person if I didn't do this. And it is hard with lots of failure. Yeah. But as you say, worth it. And I think you're right that it gets easier with time, because we start to reap the rewards of it and we start to trust in it more and so that we create some momentum around that.
0:47:37.66 → 0:48:06.80
And it does get marginally easier with each time round. One last thing. This is where the attachment system is a hindrance. If I'm insecure, and I've been insecure, I'm preloaded to not trust you. I'm preloaded to know, based on experience, what will happen if I depend on you, and that'll cause me to protect myself in ways that will appear threatening to you, which is the problem.
0:48:06.90 → 0:48:32.00
So there is that to consider. Can one have the experience to know that fairness and justice in a union and co creation in working together exists? Some people don't believe it does. I mean, they do intellectually, but when they get in it, how are you going to screw me? How am I going to lose on this?
0:48:34.07 → 0:48:48.27
And so that's another challenge for people. Yeah, certainly. I think that's such a beautiful articulation of the essence of any expression of insecure attachment. I don't trust in my ability to depend on you. Bad things are going to happen.
0:48:48.36 → 0:49:15.53
That's because of memory. Yeah. But you and I can change the memory by understanding it and not doing what is natural, which is to double down and enforce it, but to actually do what is unexpected. And then that system, that inflammation, that fear, begins to settle down and the memory is replaced by other memories of yeah, this is possible. Yeah.
0:49:15.73 → 0:49:30.03
Such is the nature of this work, which is so very powerful and I am so grateful for all of your contributions and in each other's. Care is now available. Correct. It's in the world. Great.
0:49:30.15 → 0:49:50.80
Anyone listening? And I did the audio too, this time. Oh, brilliant. Yeah. So anyone who's listening, I have to say, I realise we went a little off pissed, but the structure of the book, I think, is really excellent because it sets out specific conflicts, giving really tangible examples of places where people get stuck.
0:49:50.83 → 0:50:15.59
So it's not purely theoretical, it's actually diving into the weeds of the kinds of conversations you might have had the types of fights that you might have experienced on repeat or maybe you still experience on Repeat really walks you through what's going on there and what might be a path out of it. So definitely go and grab the book. I'm sure you'll learn a lot. And, Stan, thank you so much for joining me. It's been hugely valuable.
0:50:15.69 → 0:50:19.30
It's been a pleasure. Thank you, Stephanie. Take care.
0:50:21.51 → 0:50:43.62
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
3 Tips for Building Self-Trust
In the absence of self trust, we see a lot of other dominoes fall in terms of self worth and self respect. This is something almost everyone I work with struggles with to some degree and it’s a challenging piece of the puzzle when it comes to our personal growth in relationships. In today’s episode, I’m sharing 3 tips for building self trust to help you to go out into the world and make aligned choices.
In the absence of self trust, we see a lot of other dominoes fall in terms of self worth and self respect. This is something almost everyone I work with struggles with to some degree and it’s a challenging piece of the puzzle when it comes to our personal growth in relationships. In today’s episode, I’m sharing 3 tips for building self trust to help you to go out into the world and make aligned choices.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Knowing yourself and your values
Trusting your own boundaries
Finding others to sense check
Knowing it’s not an instant fix
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.17 → 0:00:35.14
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Um, hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing three tips for building self trust.
0:00:35.27 → 0:01:16.87
Self trust is one of those things that virtually everyone that I work with struggles with. To some degree, it is a really, really challenging piece of the puzzle when it comes to our personal growth and our growth in relationships. And I think it's one of those things where, in the absence of self trust, we can see a lot of other dominoes fall in terms of self worth, self respect. I think they're very much an interconnected web. And it can be hard to make decisions that are in alignment for ourselves when we don't have that self trust in place, because it tends to then lead to a lot of doubt and anxiety and all of those things that make it hard to really have our own back in relationship.
0:01:17.02 → 0:02:15.04
So I'm hoping that through today's episode, I'll be able to share with you some relatively straightforward and actionable tips around how you can start building that relationship of self trust with yourself so that you can then go out into the world and build relationships and make choices from a more aligned place. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. You've got a few days left to make use of the 50% off sale, which I've been offering on my Master classes and my Higher Love course for the past month that will end on 30 June. So if you'd like to save 50% on my three Master classes, which are on Anxious Avoidant Relationships, Boundaries and Sex and Attachment, or my Higher Love Course, which is a breakup course, you can use the code June 50 at the checkout on my website for any of those products. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is Stephanie never fails to amaze me with her podcast.
0:02:15.10 → 0:02:38.43
It's like she's in my head and knows exactly what I need each week. I've learned so much from Onattachment, not just with the podcast, but also with the Healing Anxious Attachment course. She's given me a new level of understanding and depth to relationships with other people and my relationship with myself. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad to hear that's been your experience and it's amazing that you've also done Healing Anxious Attachment and had a great experience there too.
0:02:38.50 → 0:03:15.01
As a side note for anyone listening, healing Anxious Attachment is my signature programme that I run a few times a year, and I will be opening up enrollment again in July. So if you're interested in that, you can join the waitlist via my website so that you can be notified when doors open. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around building self trust. As I said, I'm going to offer you three tips here and I do that for the sake of ease of following the podcast and structural simplicity.
0:03:15.06 → 0:04:03.40
But I do just want to emphasise that something as big as building self trust is not formulaic and it's not something where we can tick off, oh, I've done this, this and this, and therefore I am now healed and I trust myself and everything's fine. It's very much a process and it's one that we'll continue to hone and finesse and work on throughout our lives, right? We don't arrive at a destination of self trust in the same way that we don't arrive at a destination of any other goal in terms of our relationship with ourselves. And I think it's important to really remind ourselves of that so that we're not too rigid and perfectionistic in the way that we approach doing this work, right? It's a moment to moment growing and evolving rather than a journey with a clear destination that we need to achieve or reach.
0:04:03.53 → 0:04:47.09
So the first tip that I want to share with you is get clear on your values and your boundaries because you can't trust yourself if you don't know what those things are. It's really hard to advocate for yourself and to take care of yourself well in life and in relationships if you do not know what matters to you, if you do not know what you are okay with, right? I think so often a lack of self trust comes from not really having that internal compass on what we're okay with. And so we go with the flow a lot. We defer to other people, we follow their lead on what they think or believe or want or need and we shapeshift, right?
0:04:47.21 → 0:05:23.69
And I think that the consequence of that is that we really don't have an internal anchor and it's really hard to trust ourselves if we don't have that internal leadership, right? As with anything, we tend to trust people who are clear and confident and have that strong sense of security about them, right? And when we don't have that within ourselves, it's very hard to have that relationship of trust. And I think there's a broader point to be made there, which is in the other tips that I'll share today as well. The same principles that apply to people outside of yourself who you would trust or not trust apply to yourself and your own relationship of self trust.
0:05:23.78 → 0:06:00.09
So if you are embodying traits or acting in ways that would not inspire much trust if it were another person, then don't be surprised if you struggle to trust yourself when you are behaving in ways that are flaky or inconsistent or lacking in clear values or whatever it may be. So this first one being get clear on your values and your boundaries, right? You cannot trust yourself if you are just floating rudderless around in the ocean because there's really nothing to hold on to there. So how you go about doing this? I think sometimes that in and of itself can be a challenging exercise for people who are not used to it.
0:06:00.13 → 0:06:49.35
Because for a lot of us we will have learned and had that as a strategy, consciously or otherwise is just to be easy, right, to go with the flow, to defer to other people. So the idea of actually going out and figuring out what our values are or setting boundaries or even just identifying what the boundary is can feel overwhelming. We don't know where to start. And so I think that if that is you and you don't really know where to start, it can be helpful to reverse engineer based on situations where we felt really uncomfortable or anxious or any of those other emotions that might signal something about this situation is not okay for me. But I haven't maybe advocated for myself or spoken up because of all of those other strategies around trying to get certain needs for connection or belonging.
0:06:49.40 → 0:07:31.51
Met. So if you know consistently okay when I overextend myself and say yes to everyone and try to be the helper and go out of my way to take care of everyone else, and then I feel really burnt out. About it that's going to lead me to not only be resentful towards them, but probably be resentful towards myself on some level and not really trust myself to say yes when I mean yes, but no when I mean no. So start reflecting on that and reverse engineering from experiences and situations. It's like you're going through and mining or auditing your own relational experiences and take those emotions or those almost those hangovers as feedback, right?
0:07:31.63 → 0:08:09.17
Go okay, that didn't work for me or that leaves me feeling really depleted or taken advantage of or any of those other kinds of emotions and get really clear on what those boundaries might be and what you really value. So you might value reciprocity, you might value reliability, you might value openness but get clear on what those are and then be willing to stand behind them. Okay? The second tip that I want to give you for building self trust, which is sort of related to this, that goes a little bit further, is follow through on your commitments to yourself. Now again, as I just said, you would not trust someone who consistently said one thing and then did another, right?
0:08:09.21 → 0:08:31.08
I think we can all agree on that and yet so many of us make commitments to ourselves and then don't follow through, right? We do something else. We say, we're going to go for a morning walk every day, but then by day three, we've stopped doing it. Or we say, we're going to not message our ex because we know that it's not good for us. And what do we do?
0:08:31.10 → 0:09:08.15
We go and do it. Right, so when your word stops meaning anything to you, then of course you're not going to trust yourself because, again, you've not got the experience there that would justify trust. You've not got a pattern of behaviour that would engender any trust in the same way that it wouldn't with anyone else. So, again, let's stop seeing our lack of self trust as really confusing and a total mystery, when actually it might make a lot of sense if that is the backdrop. I was having a conversation with one of the women in my mastermind last week and she spoke to something which I think will be relatable for so many people.
0:09:08.27 → 0:10:01.62
I won't give the specifics of the situation, but it was with someone that she had been seeing and she had said to them, actions speak louder than words, and I'm going to need you to be more consistent and reliable. But what I pointed out to her was that she had said that to them multiple times, right? So they'd continued to kind of go away and come back and go away and come back. And while she was advocating for herself by saying, actions speak louder than words, she was also making herself available to have that conversation again and again and again. And so what I put to her was, yes, sure, actions speak louder than words, but what are your actions saying, right, when you continue to hear this person out and hear their excuses and allow yourself to go around in the loop again and again and again, are your actions in alignment with your words?
0:10:01.72 → 0:10:54.95
Which are to say, this doesn't work for me because your actions might actually be signalling something other than that. So the point being there we need to follow through for ourselves and if we are behaving in ways that are inconsistent or unreliable, then we will not trust ourselves. And so one of the simplest, not necessarily easy, but certainly simple things that you can do to start building that self trust is follow through on your commitments to yourself. And I think relatably that really allows you to experience your own efficacy in a way that can be very powerful and can create a lot of momentum. We start to feel like, hey, I'm competent and capable and I am a reliable person, whereas when we repeatedly say one thing and do another, it's very destructive to our self worth and we stop respecting ourselves, basically, we feel like, oh, I'm just hopeless, right?
0:10:54.99 → 0:11:26.10
I always do this, there must be something wrong with me. And we can get stuck in a lot of that guilt and shame which tends to be an emotion that spirals downwards rather than lifting us up. So if you do want to build your self trust, follow through on your commitments to yourself. And if you don't think that you can, then don't make those commitments right again in much the same way as you would approach that relationally with anyone else, whether it's a partner or a friend or family. Don't make commitments that you're not going to follow through on and really try to follow through on the commitments that you have made to yourself.
0:11:26.23 → 0:12:56.31
Okay, the third and final tip that I want to share with you on building self trust is find a trusted person or it might be a couple of people who you can sense cheque your intuitive read of a situation with. Now, there's some discernment required here and I want to acknowledge at the outset that that might sound counterintuitive when we're talking about building self trust and then having as one of the tips to have an external person that you are testing against. But to give you a bit of context for this one, I was reflecting on my own personal journey, and a few years ago I really didn't trust myself very much at all. And the relationship I was in at the time had me really doubting whether I was crazy, frankly, and whether I was asking for too much and whether I was justified in being upset with my partner or being frustrated or being angry because he wasn't able to validate that at all or take responsibility. So what I found very helpful in that situation was sharing those things with my therapist who I started working with around that time and having her validation and kind of mirroring back and echoing that the situation that I was in was objectively pretty frustrating and that I wasn't crazy to feel that way and that certain things weren't appropriate or acceptable.
0:12:56.49 → 0:14:01.20
And I think for me at the time, because I was in such a bubble, right, I was so in the thick of the relationship and I'd had the same arguments and conversations with my partner a million times. And you do start to doubt your read of a situation in the face of someone's really adamant, defensiveness and justification. And so I think that in circumstances like that, it can be really helpful to sense cheque and get a read of the situation from someone that you trust whose point of view is likely to be someone that you consider to be wise and thoughtful. So I think that a therapist or similar is a really good person to practise this with, rather than a friend who might jump to your defence and pile on on someone in a way that might not be as helpful as it feels at the time. But I think that finding that balance between validation and outsourcing is the trick here.
0:14:01.22 → 0:14:43.89
And that's the discernment that I'd invite you to practise because we don't want to go into that space of I don't trust myself. So I'm just going to ask everyone's opinion all the time on what does this mean and what do you think about this, because I have no idea and I don't trust myself. That is where it can entrench the lack of self trust rather than alleviate it. But I do think that sharing how you're feeling and sharing what you're struggling with, with someone who can see that and validate you can be really, really helpful in then building your confidence to make that call for yourself going forward and not need to lean on other people's read of a situation so much. So perhaps that third one is really in circumstances where you might be doubting your perception of reality.
0:14:44.05 → 0:15:41.29
Maybe in a relationship, maybe there's I hesitate to use the word gaslighting because I think that it's very much thrown around on social media and leads people to be quite on high alert in their relationships in a way that's probably not helpful to throw around terms like that. But you know what I mean, where you're really struggling to find a clear view of the situation and feeling like you're maybe going crazy or you're so stricken with doubt that you actually do need the support of an outside read. So I think that that can be helpful to do that with the help of a therapist or similar. Okay, so that was three tips for building self trust. As I said at the outset, this isn't something that we can change overnight because for a lot of us, the lack of self trust is a symptom of broader struggles in relationship and as I said, is often intermingled with low self worth, a lack of self respect and some of those other things.
0:15:41.36 → 0:16:19.91
So it is part of the process. It is something that will build over time as you start to get really clear on who you are and what you want and you start having your own back. But it is possible and it is a really, really important and rewarding thing to do to build up that self trust because as I said, it's really hard to navigate relationships from an anchored and secure place when you don't have that baseline of self trust. I hope that this has been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating, depending on where you're listening, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:16:19.98 → 0:16:43.50
Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Am I being unreasonable? (Part 2)
“Am I being reasonable” is something that I often hear and it’s important to remember that asking this is so contextually important. So in today’s episode, I’m continuing my series with the goal of helping you build the muscle of discernment and capacity for self trust in asking yourself the question.
“Am I being reasonable” is something that I often hear and it’s important to remember that asking this is so contextually important. So in today’s episode, I’m continuing my series with the goal of helping you build the muscle of discernment and capacity for self trust in asking yourself the question.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Is it unreasonable to talk about the future - marriage, moving in, trips away?
Is it unreasonable to want my partner to come back within 24 hours after a fight?
Is it unreasonable when I ask my partner to think more about me in the relationship?
Is it unreasonable after 3 years, wanting my partner to anticipate my needs without me having to request them?
Is it unreasonable for me to want to spend 90% of my free time with my partner?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:39.31
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am talking through questions of whether you are being unreasonable when you want or expect certain things from your partner.
0:00:39.44 → 0:01:05.39
This is the second part in this series. I did another one a couple of weeks ago and these are crowdsourced. So for context, if you haven't listened to episode 82, I think it was, I am always getting people asking me how do I know if I'm being unreasonable in the things that I want and expect from my partner? And what I always say is it's very hard for me to answer that in the abstract, right? For me to just give you some generalised universal law of reasonableness.
0:01:05.47 → 0:01:21.54
It's so contextually dependent. And so I asked people on Instagram to give me examples. When do you wonder whether you're being unreasonable? And specific examples in their relationship? And I was so inundated with responses that I decided to do at least two potentially more.
0:01:21.59 → 0:01:44.28
If you enjoy these, so do let me know if you find this helpful. Examples where I'm talking through. Okay? In this circumstance, I think this aspect is reasonable. This aspect is maybe not so reasonable to sort of give that a little bit more colour and allow you to then become more discerning for yourself and apply that to whatever circumstances you might be facing in your own life in a relationship.
0:01:44.41 → 0:02:14.48
So building that muscle of discernment which is so valuable. So that's what today is going to be all about. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that I am still running a 50% off sale on my online education, so my Master classes and my Higher Love course so you can save 50% with the code June 50 on my website. The second quick announcement is that my Homecoming Mastermind, which is a six month intimate small group programme with me, is still open for application and enrollment.
0:02:14.54 → 0:02:41.79
We're starting mid July. So if you are interested in working with me directly in a small group setting over a six month period, I would love to receive your application. Third quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is I've been studying and learning from attachment research and therapists for several years now, and you are by far the most concise and easy to understand presenter truly have a gift. And I'm sure I can speak for many in offering sincere thanks for the insight, knowledge and growth you provide. Thank you so much for that.
0:02:41.86 → 0:03:04.23
I really very much appreciate your kind words and if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around how do I know if I'm being unreasonable? The first example is, am I being unreasonable when I want to talk about our future together? Marriage, moving in and trips away.
0:03:04.38 → 0:03:40.85
For me, this is absolutely reasonable with the small caveat of assuming you haven't been on two dates with this person and you're wanting to talk marriage. I think if you've been together for any substantial period of time and you're in a steady, committed relationship, and you're at an age where it makes sense that you'd be having those conversations, I think it is absolutely reasonable. That you would want to talk about your future together and ensure that you are on the same page around what you respectively want for your lives. I think that structural compatibility is something that we don't maybe talk about enough. And I think it's a really important prerequisite to really investing in a relationship.
0:03:41.00 → 0:03:55.00
By structural compatibility, I mean, do we broadly want the same things? Do you want to get married at some point? Do you want kids or not? Where in the world do you want to live? What does life look like for you in the future?
0:03:55.45 → 0:04:23.90
Can we make sure that we are not on the wrong side of the street? If we have kind of diametrically opposing binary views around certain structural pieces, then that might be a deal breaker. And it's important to know that relatively early on before you're investing too much time in something that might be a dead end. So I think that it is reasonable to want to have those conversations. With that being said, I think it's also true that some people find those conversations more daunting and overwhelming than others.
0:04:23.95 → 0:05:15.99
And that doesn't necessarily mean they're not serious about you, or they don't love you, or they don't see a future with you. But those conversations can just feel really big and overwhelming to some people in a way that they maybe don't for others. So I think having a level of compassion for that while also honouring your desire to have a conversation so that might look like saying to your partner, I know that this is something that's hard for you to talk about or that feels overwhelming, but it's really important to me that we're able to discuss these things. If now isn't a good time where you feel like it's too soon, can we agree to revisit this conversation in three months or six months or whatever it might be? So find a middle ground that honours both of you that isn't pressuring one or the other isn't meaning that one of you has to totally forego how you're feeling or what your needs are.
0:05:16.08 → 0:06:06.94
So find a middle ground that honours both of you, and that doesn't make either person wrong for the way that they're feeling. I think that that is a really good way to approach this and move forward in a way that feels good for both of you. And I think that if your partner is just adamantly categorically refusing to engage at all on those conversations, then that might be telling that they're not ready in a broader sense that you might want different things. You might just have different capacities to have those conversations and that might be something to reflect on for you, whether that's going to work for you in the longer term. If your partner is just really digging their heels in and not interested in talking about the future at all, if it is important to you to have those conversations, then that might be something to think about and consider.
0:06:07.07 → 0:06:36.98
Okay, the next one that I'm going to speak to is, am I being unreasonable when I ask my boyfriend to come back within 24 hours after a fight when he doesn't usually and he usually takes days? This for me is absolutely reasonable to want someone to come back within 24 hours after a fight. Okay? Someone disappearing for days at a time after a fight without repair is really challenging. That is not the stuff of secure relationships, right?
0:06:37.08 → 0:07:09.95
It's okay to need some space to decompress after a fight before coming back to repair. But days is pushing that and it's not really in my mind, respectful to the other person and the fact that they're likely sitting there in a total anxious meltdown feeling really stressed and powerless. So for me, even 24 hours, for me, to be honest, would be pushing it. And of course, there are contextual factors here that might play into it if you live together. That might be different too, if you live apart and only see each other once or twice a week.
0:07:10.04 → 0:07:46.86
But even still, I would be putting 24 hours as the absolute upper limit on that, particularly if there's no contact in that time. I mean, it's one thing if they let you know that they're still processing and need some space and cheque in with you, but if they're just disappearing and kind of dropping off the face of the earth and aren't contactable, then I think that 24 hours is absolutely an upper limit. And as I say, if it were me, it would be a much smaller number than that. So I think that prioritising and having boundaries and agreements around repair after conflict is really a good idea. That's for anyone listening and allows you to have conflict, that feels safe.
0:07:46.92 → 0:08:20.92
Because if the status quo in your relationship is that your partner disappears for days at a time after you have a fight, then guess what? You're going to feel extreme anxiety about having a fight, about raising concerns about any of that because you're bracing for the fallout and all of the stress and pain that that's going to cause you. So I think there's a really negative ripple effect of that kind of behaviour. And it's absolutely reasonable for you to want a quicker turnaround time, let's say, between rupture and repair, than days at a time. I don't think that that is very conducive to a healthy, emotionally safe relationship.
0:08:21.05 → 0:08:54.84
So I think that the path forward for you would be to have that conversation when you're not fighting. I think that trying to impose that as a boundary or make that request when you're in the midst of it and offering that requirement to them when they're about to storm out, that's not going to be effective. So try and explain to them when you're connected and things are good that that doesn't work for you and that's really challenging. And that would they be open to agreeing a shorter period of time between rupture and repair. Okay, the next one is, am I being unreasonable when I ask my partner to think more about me and the relationship?
0:08:55.29 → 0:09:52.58
So this is one where I think it's reasonable to want to feel cared for, it's reasonable to want to feel prioritised, it's reasonable to want to feel like our partner is thinking of us, right? But to ask our partner to think more about us and the relationship is not a very well formulated request or expectation because it's so generalised and it is so open to misinterpretation or misunderstanding. So if I say to my partner, hey, I just really wish you would think more about me in the relationship, how am I going to know if that's happening? How am I going to know if they're actioning that they could be thinking about me from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep at night, but if that's not translate it into action that I can observe and receive, I'm not going to know it, right? And so they could be thinking that they are doing what I've said and I could be sitting there feeling increasingly hurt and resentful because that's not showing up in the way that I would have hoped or expected.
0:09:52.64 → 0:10:20.45
So I think that this is where it is on us initially, first and foremost, to formulate needs and requests that are easy to meet, help ourselves out, help our partner out and fill in the blanks, right? Give it a bit more colour. So saying, I really feel so cared for and loved when you message me out of the blue when you're at work and say you're thinking of me. Right? That might be what you're meaning when you say, I want them to think more about me.
0:10:20.52 → 0:10:49.57
Or it might be that you plan what we're going to have for dinner without me having to ask you about it, or you make plans for us to go on a date or whatever, right. You do a certain set of chores without me having to ask you to. There are so many different ways this can look. And so I think that being really clear with our partner formulating the request with a level of specificity much more likely to actually get what we're needing. Okay.
0:10:49.66 → 0:11:11.12
That leads really nicely into the next one, which is, am I being unreasonable? When after three years, I expect that my partner will be able to attune to and anticipate my needs without me having to prompt or request them. So, again, I think this is kind of two pronged. On the one hand, I think it is reasonable to expect after three years that our partner will know us. Right.
0:11:11.25 → 0:11:45.90
That our partner will have a level of expertise in knowing how we are and the things we like and the things that are meaningful to us and how we like to be treated and the things that make us feel loved. I think that after three years you can expect some level of literacy in one another. It may be a good way of putting it. At the same time, I think going from that to I expect you to anticipate all of my needs without me having to prompt you or make a request of them is an imbalanced assignment of responsibility. Right.
0:11:45.95 → 0:11:59.39
It's just a total abrogation on your side. You should just know is essentially the sentiment behind that. I shouldn't have to ask you, I shouldn't have to tell you how I'm feeling or what I'm needing. You should just know. Right.
0:11:59.51 → 0:12:45.10
And that sounds lovely, but I don't think it is reasonable or realistic and it's probably just going to lead you to be resentful and to feel like your partner doesn't care because, oh, they must know what my needs are, but they just don't care enough to actually take steps to meet them. I think that can be the interpretation that you are going to apply to their behaviour if you're telling yourself the story that by this point they should already know everything. And so to the extent that they're not going out of their way to meet all of those needs, then they're doing that deliberately from a place of selfishness or not being loving. Right. There's a lot of capacity for you to be telling yourself painful stories that leave you feeling hurt and unloved, when really I think we do have to remind our partner or prompt our partner request things from them.
0:12:45.15 → 0:13:27.61
And the other piece is our needs change. Right? In one season of life we might need one thing or want one thing, and in another it might be totally different. So I think rather than being stubborn or righteous about this, we should just be direct and open in our communication. I think that that is by far the easiest and most reliable way to get what we need from our partner and to feel loved and to feel connected rather than just descending into a spiral of storytelling and meaning making and overthinking that leaves us feeling angry or resentful or hurt, possibly unnecessarily, or in a circumstance which is unfounded.
0:13:27.69 → 0:13:55.24
So I think that while we can expect that our partner will know us and we will know them after three years, we still have to be responsible for communicating what we're wanting or needing from them. Okay? The final one that I'm going to speak to for today is, am I being unreasonable when I want to spend 90% of my free time with my partner? So again, the distinction I will make here is you're allowed to want to spend 90% of your time with your partner. Okay?
0:13:56.25 → 0:14:11.33
A desire is what it is, right? That's your preference. You like to spend all of that time with your partner. Whether that's entirely healthy is a different conversation. I think I assume from that question that you lean more towards anxious attachment.
0:14:11.38 → 0:15:03.85
And if you listen to the show a lot, you'll know that I do encourage people with those preferences to try and diversify their energy a little more and create some balance so that they're not too overly focused on the relationship to the exclusion of all else. But putting that to one side, there is a difference between wanting to spend 90% of your free time with your partner and expecting or requiring that your partner equally wants to do that. Okay? The latter is where it becomes unreasonable because we can't be controlling of what our partner prefers or desires. And so to the extent that your partner wants to spend their free time partly with you, but also partly with their friends and also partly with their colleagues or partly on their own, you then judging them for that or shaming them for that, or accusing them of not caring about you for that.
0:15:03.97 → 0:15:51.78
That's where we run into trouble and that's where we can become controlling and unreasonable in the ways in which we're imposing our own way of viewing the world onto our partner and making them wrong for being different to us. So I think that that's really the distinction that I'd draw there and reminding ourselves, like, yeah, I'm allowed to want what I want, but I can't make them want the same thing. And that's the part that we need to lean into and that's really the uncomfortable thing for a lot of us who can tend towards more controlling behaviours in relationship. And as always, I don't say that from a judgmental point of view because I can certainly veer towards that at times, but that's part of our growth is going, oh, okay, I'm being a bit controlling here. I'm wanting them to see the world exactly as I do because that would make me feel more comfortable, right?
0:15:51.88 → 0:16:10.35
That's just not how healthy, balanced relationships work. So we need to find space for both of those things. We need to find a way to honour our desire to spend time together while also not imposing our extremes on someone else. I hope that this has been helpful. As I said, I've got so many more examples of these that you guys sent in.
0:16:10.39 → 0:16:55.48
So if this is a format that you do find useful and you'd like me to continue with every so often, do let me know, and I will be sure to record some more examples of these so that you can start building that muscle of discernment and your own capacity for self trust in asking yourself the question so that you can cheque in and go, wait. Am I being unreasonable? Hopefully, through repetition and through almost listening to these worked examples, you'll have a greater capacity to make that assessment and judgement call for yourself in whatever circumstances you find yourself in. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful. If you could leave a rating or a review, it does help so much in not only letting me know what you love about the show, but also in getting the word out and helping more people with the podcast.
0:16:55.62 → 0:17:13.01
Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg @stephanierigg.com
0:17:13.13 → 0:17:22.26
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Reminders If You're Going Through a Break-Up
Unless you’ve married your high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after, you have likely experienced a breakup in your life. In today’s episode, I’m sharing 5 reminders and ways to support yourself while you're going through a break-up.
Unless you’ve married your high school sweetheart and lived happily ever after, you have likely experienced a breakup in your life. In today’s episode, I’m sharing 5 reminders and ways to support yourself while you're going through a break-up.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
The break-up is going to be hard
Finding other support people
Processing the break-up in anxious and avoidant ways
Not making meaning or assumptions
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:32.77
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be offering you five reminders.
0:00:32.85 → 0:01:37.25
If you are going through a breakup or you've recently been through a breakup, or maybe not so recently, but you still feel like you're in that post breakup era in that it's still occupying a lot of mental and emotional energy and you're still really struggling with the emotional processing and maybe finding a level of acceptance around the breakup. So obviously this is an area that all of us will likely experience challenge in at some point in our lives. I think breakups are one of those things that unless you marry your high school sweetheart and live happily ever after, you're probably going to experience a breakup and have to do a level of grieving around that. And while there's no opting out of the challenges that a breakup can present, I do believe that there are better and worse ways to move through a breakup, or at least ways that you can go through that process. That are more supported and mindsets that ultimately allow you to grow through that experience rather than spiral downwards to a dark place, which I think can happen.
0:01:37.34 → 0:02:06.52
So I'm going to be offering you five reminders, tips, ways that you can support yourself if you are going through a breakup. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being another reminder that for the month of June, you can save 50% of my Master classes and my Higher Love Course. My Higher Love Course in particular is very much in keeping with the theme of today's episode around breakups. It is a really comprehensive course for anyone who is going through a breakup.
0:02:06.60 → 0:02:30.39
It helps you to process all of those emotions, the grieving, the meaning, making, finding closure, but then also really supports you to pivot, to look towards the future and go, okay, what do I want? What do I value in relationships? What are the lessons I need to learn here? How can I take responsibility for my part in whatever dynamics existed in my previous relationship? How can I get really clear?
0:02:30.43 → 0:03:06.99
How can I build up my self worth so that I'm looking to the future? And when it comes time to date again, how can I make sure that I'm doing that from a really integrated and empowered place rather than a place that is driven by scarcity or insecurity or unworthiness, as I think can happen if we've had a bit of a knock to our self worth? So my Higher Love course, along with my three other Master classes, are all available for 50% off on my website for the month of June. You've got another week or so to take advantage of that with the code June 50. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is so comforting.
0:03:07.04 → 0:03:25.15
I've fallen in love with this podcast. It's so comforting and reassuring to not feel alone in what I'm experiencing and to have the tools to handle the emotions at hand. For an anxious person, this is balm for the soul, feeling seen and having the comfort of a framework for the situation at hand. Listening to this podcast is a form of soothing when I've been triggered. Thank you so much.
0:03:25.26 → 0:03:47.23
Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that that's been your experience and it is my absolute honour and pleasure to be able to support you through your process. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around reminders. If you're going through a breakup.
0:03:47.31 → 0:04:22.25
Now, this is not an exhaustive list. I probably could have done many more than this, but I think these five will give you a solid grounding to approach your breakup in a way that's going to be as supported and adaptive as possible. So the first one is remind yourself that breakups are almost always going to be hard. Again, sometimes you might end on very amicable mutual terms and feel generally good about the breakup, but even then there's going to be some adjustment, there's going to be some grieving. And I think that unfortunately, that is the minority of cases around a breakup.
0:04:22.33 → 0:04:48.71
Most of the time there is maybe a lack of mutuality around the breakup. One person ends the relationship and the other person didn't want the relationship to end. All of those circumstances that mean that the breakup is going to be hard, it's going to hurt, and it's going to feel like you're in a whirlpool of emotions, and that's okay. That's actually normal and to be expected. I think where we really get ourselves into strife is where we aren't bracing for that.
0:04:48.78 → 0:05:13.13
And so when those emotions arise and they can feel big and intense and overwhelming, we start to panic because we're so uncomfortable with our own emotions. We panic and we go, this can't be right. This must mean something, right? I'm not meant to miss them this much. If I'm feeling this guttered and spinning out of control and totally rudderless, that must mean that the breakup is the wrong decision, that it can't be right.
0:05:13.17 → 0:06:20.83
And so if you're the person who was broken up with, you might find yourself frantically trying to contact your ex and plead with them and convince them and beg for another chance or tell them about all the ways in which it could be different. But I think that to do that really misses the point, which is that irrespective of how a relationship was, even if the relationship was really not working, even if it was unhealthy, even if it was dysfunctional and conflict, ridden the breakup is going to be hard because we have become accustomed and familiarised ourselves with that relationship that is part of our normal. And so for that to be taken away even if as I said, it wasn't healthy, it wasn't really working for us, all of a sudden we can feel very alone and very almost naked and without an anchor. That is the nature of attachment is that we learn to orient ourselves through our attachment figures and our romantic partners become that. And so all of that to say really be mindful of the stories you're telling yourself and the meaning that you are attributing to those big emotions in the wake of a relationship ending because the grief is totally normal, the sadness is normal, the missing them is normal.
0:06:20.88 → 0:06:51.37
And I think the more that we can go into the experience with sort of realistic expectations, then the less likely we are to scramble to fix those emotions when they arise, and we're more likely to just be able to stay with it and remind ourselves, this is normal, this is to be expected. And I will get to the other side of this emotion. Think of it like a tunnel with a light at the end of it. Okay? So the second reminder if you're going through a breakup is in 99% of cases clearly I've just plucked that number out of dinner but you get what I mean.
0:06:51.41 → 0:07:46.11
In the vast majority of cases it is not a good idea for you and your ex to be each other's emotional support person through the breakup. So I think a lot of us again really struggle with this and I have certainly struggled with this and not done a very good job of it in the past. When we see our ex in pain or vice versa, there can be such a strong urge to go in and try and comfort them and to support them emotionally through whatever emotions they are experiencing in the wake of the relationship ending. To worry about them, to feel guilty even if they're in a really bad place or they're not coping very well and to feel responsible for that or feel like it is on you to make sure that they're okay. And as much as that is totally understandable because of course this person until the breakup was your person and you were meant to be each other's rock and anchor and support person.
0:07:46.26 → 0:08:38.01
The fact of the relationship ending means that your role with respect to each other is shifting and has shifted. And it's not to say that we have to be really careless and cold and uncaring, but we really do need to have some boundaries in place in the vast majority of cases. Because to be each other's emotional crutch through the breakup is likely going to make it very hard and very confusing for your system to recalibrate and understand your new relationship to this person. Because even though rationally, you can know, okay, yeah, we've broken up, we're no longer romantic partners. Having that tether of emotional support and big emotions and holding each other through that is going to really muddy the waters and it's probably going to make it much harder for you and draw out that process of unravelling and sort of rewriting the story.
0:08:38.10 → 0:09:16.30
And even if you are on good terms, and even if you do intend to be friends down the track, it's probably a good idea to take some time and space from each other and find emotional support in other people in your lives rather than continuing to be that rock for one another. Because as I said, I think that can really muddy the waters and draw out the whole process and eventually you are going to have to let go to some degree. So I think the sooner you can set those healthy boundaries with each other, the better off you'll both be. And as I said, that doesn't mean you have to never speak to them again. It doesn't mean you can never have any sort of relationship.
0:09:16.43 → 0:10:00.24
But I think having some lines that allow you to figure out what your relationship looks like in a way that is substantively different, qualitatively different to that of being each other's partner is usually a good idea. Okay, the next reminder is that everyone processes breakups in a different way. Now this is an area where I see a lot of people, particularly people who lean towards more anxious attachment patterns, really cause themselves a lot of suffering because they are usually spinning out and having a really tough time with a breakup. And they see their ex who might be more avoidant in their attachment patterns. And outwardly they seem to be quite fine, right?
0:10:00.36 → 0:10:31.51
They might seem to be just getting on with life. Maybe they're being even more social than they were before. Maybe they've jumped straight on a dating app or whatever, right? But what you're seeing from the outside looks like a person who isn't in a lot of turmoil. And for the anxiously attached person, the story that gets told is they don't even care. They're not even sad. They must never have loved me. I never meant anything to them. They don't even care about me. How are they so fine when I am such a mess?
0:10:31.58 → 0:11:22.43
I feel like an idiot, all of these things, right? Those stories are really painful and obviously can exacerbate what is already a challenging emotional time. So the reminder here is, please do not interpret someone else's behaviour through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing those things, because you're coming from two very different places a lot of the time and you're filling in the blanks and jumping to a lot of conclusions, making a lot of assumptions that are not helpful and that are based on very incomplete information. So please know that people process breakups in a very different way and particularly from that attachment perspective. In my Higher Love course, which I mentioned at the start, I have a bonus master class that's included on attachment styles and breakups and really breaking down what you can expect from each attachment style as they move through a breakup.
0:11:22.48 → 0:12:03.42
What are the usual outward behaviours, inward emotional responses? That gives a little context for that, right? And lets us understand that no two processes are going to be the same and particularly when we are coming from different attachment patterns and strategies, we're likely to have a different journey through that breakup period. So just remind yourself that your process post breakup is not in competition with your exes. It is not something that you should be comparing how quickly you are moving on and making meaning out of that as if them moving on quicker than you means that they win.
0:12:03.52 → 0:12:37.99
Right? There's no winner or loser and it's really just stay in your own lane is the advice. Right? So I think that the more you can remind yourself of that and resist the urge to veer into comparison and competition and meaning making and assumptions around your ex's breakup journey versus yours, I think that will stand you in really good stead. Okay, that leads me nicely into the fourth tip, which is what your ex is thinking, feeling and doing is no longer within your jurisdiction.
0:12:38.12 → 0:13:03.70
Okay? Now, this is very, very hard to come to terms with, particularly for those of us who mean more anxious and who tend to lean on information gathering as a way of feeling in control when we are feeling anxious or afraid or stressed or insecure. Right? So you will likely have had a lot of patterns around doing this of what are they thinking? What are they feeling, what are they doing, what does it mean?
0:13:03.83 → 0:13:43.44
And how can I kind of weave my way through all of that to try and create safety for myself and to try and create a sense of security, to try and perhaps manipulate. And I don't mean that in a way that implies malicious intent, but really manipulate, as in to try and curate the dynamic or the relationship or control the situation in some way to meet my needs or to further my end. When you've broken up with someone, when someone's broken up with you, you no longer are entitled to know what they are thinking or feeling or doing. Right? And I think that that can be really challenging, right?
0:13:43.49 → 0:14:22.42
Because you'll impulsively everything within you will be saying I've got to find out what they're thinking and feeling and how do I know what this means? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. What does it mean when they do this, or what do you think this the number of questions I get in that vein really speaks to the fact that we spend a lot of mental and emotional energy post breakup trying to hypothesise and decipher what our ex is thinking, feeling and doing. And the reality is, there's no way of knowing short of your ex telling you what they're thinking, feeling and doing, which they're probably not going to offer up. And there's really not a lot to be gained from you spinning around in circles trying to figure that out unilaterally.
0:14:22.61 → 0:14:39.30
Because then what? So that I can then game it in a way to try and get them back or change their mind. It's just not healthy and it's not empowering, and it's not really what you need, even if it feels like that's what you need. So remind yourself. I think there's a level of radical acceptance that needs to happen here.
0:14:39.43 → 0:15:19.41
It's like almost picturing that you're holding really hard onto a rope. Like, I'm picturing like, a tug of war, and it's just taking so much energy to keep pulling and pulling and pulling and gripping. And it's almost like you have to visualise just letting go of the rope because it's not yours anymore and it's costing you a lot, and it's really taking up a lot of space within you that could be redirected to your own emotional state. What are you thinking, feeling and doing rather than focusing exclusively on them when that's no longer yours to focus on? So release the grip, let go of the rope, and try and stand on your own 2ft and redirect some of that energy and attention back towards yourself.
0:15:19.56 → 0:15:46.08
Now, that leads me really nicely into my fifth and final reminder, which is a breakup is a really beautiful opportunity to reset, to take stock, to get clear, to learn lessons. Okay? I know it doesn't feel like that. I know that oftentimes we would do anything to undo it, to go back in time, to change things, if only I'd done this and what if I'd done that and I shouldn't have asked for this because then maybe they wouldn't. Blah, blah, blah.
0:15:46.11 → 0:16:09.25
We can just send ourselves down this rabbit hole of what ifs? But that really keeps us stuck in the past. And a breakup is like turning over a new page. And I think that if we are courageous enough to step outside of all of that rumination and obsessing and actually go, okay, here's where I am. This is what's happening.
0:16:09.40 → 0:16:59.82
What are the lessons for me here in this moment, in that relationship? Because every relationship and every breakup has lessons for us, okay? And I think that learning those lessons is our responsibility. Certainly if we want to have healthier relationships going forward and if we want to leave behind patterns that haven't been serving us, that feel exhausting and overwhelming and that we feel stuck in. Because the reality is, if you just spin around in your breakup and do the ruminating thing for a while, for a few months, until you kind of get over it, and then you eventually go back on dating apps, and go back there again without having done any really intentional processing of what happened and what was driving that on your side, then there's a really good chance that you're going to end up in another relationship that exhibits many of those same traits, whatever those were for you.
0:16:59.92 → 0:17:20.13
But if you haven't, quote unquote, done the work to cultivate conscious awareness around what are my patterns? As I've said before, if you're the common denominator in a pattern that keeps showing up in your life, then that's a really good invitation into getting curious. Why do I keep choosing this? Even if it doesn't feel like I'm choosing it? A part of me is choosing it.
0:17:20.17 → 0:18:04.61
A part of me feels this gravitational pull towards that type of person or that type of relationship. And so when you've gone through a breakup, it's like the universe has cleared the decks for you, has given you this clean slate. And so that's your cue to learn the lessons, to cultivate that conscious awareness and to really get clear who am I, who do I want to be, what are my values, what do I care about, what do I want my life to look like? You have this window of opportunity to really stand on your own 2ft and figure that out without the influence or the distraction of a relationship, right? Because for all of the wonderful things that a relationship can give us, it also does require that we compromise.
0:18:04.69 → 0:18:50.84
And that's totally okay, that's part of being in relationship. But you're given an opportunity here to figure out what life looks like for you without the influence of someone else's wants, needs, preferences, desires. And so I think that is a really good opportunity for you to rebuild that relationship with yourself so that you can go to the next relationship with a clearer sense of who you are and what you want for your life. And that's particularly true if you are more anxious and you tend to see your sense of self get subsumed into the relationship and you do notice that you lose your own identity as a standalone person. I think that's even more true that this breakup that you might be experiencing is a really great opportunity.
0:18:51.21 → 0:19:20.76
So don't waste it because if you do just continue down the old path of obsession and rumination, then there's a good chance that you'll be back here in six months or a year or two years. But our patterns have a very funny knack for reenacting themselves until we learn the lesson. So I hope that has been helpful. Those were five reminders. If you're going through a breakup or you've been through a breakup and you're finding it hard to move on in a way that feels clear and confident and supported.
0:19:20.82 → 0:19:40.98
So I really hope that that has given you something to think about, that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode. As always, super grateful. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, you can leave a comment on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on socials of those things really do help so much in continuing to get the word out. So thank you so much for joining me.
0:19:41.03 → 0:19:53.52
I'm sending you lots of love. If you've been through a breakup and you're having a tough time, as I said, I know it's hard, but you will get through it. You will be okay and you might even be better than you were before. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon.
0:19:53.62 → 0:20:14.14
Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things hatchment love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:14.27 → 0:20:16.86
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Navigate Addiction to Drama with Dr Scott Lyons
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering why you keep attracting the same type of person, this episode is for you. Today I’m joined by Dr Scott Lyons to talk about deregulation of energy, attention and emotional expression and navigating addiction to drama. Dr Scott also shares a story about how he knew he was no longer attracted to unavailable people and why he walked out in the middle of a date.
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering why you keep attracting the same type of person, this episode is for you. Today I’m joined by Dr Scott Lyons, a holistic psychologist, educator and author, to talk about addiction to drama, and why we may subconsciously seek out chaos and intensity in our lives and relationships (even when we think we're trying to avoid it).
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Understanding addiction to drama
Common characteristics of someone addicted to drama
Big emotions don’t equal vulnerability
What your “spark” really is
Finding people who know how to love
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code JUNE50 for 50% off 3 masterclasses or the Higher Love Course - www.stephanierigg.com
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:31.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:31.74 → 0:00:59.71
In today's episode, I'm in conversation with Dr. Scott Lyons. Scott is a holistic psychologist, educator, and author of the newly released book Addicted to Drama healing dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and others. Scott's also the creator of the Embody Lab, which is the largest online learning platform for body based trauma therapies. And as someone who's taken several certifications through the Embody Lab, I am a huge ambassador of Scott and what he has created. And I'm so excited to share with you the conversation that I had with Scott today.
0:00:59.78 → 0:01:22.48
All around addiction to drama and how becoming dependent on chaos often subconsciously can really dictate our lives and relationships and how we can break those cycles to create more inner and outer peace in our lives. So I'm really looking forward to sharing this conversation with you, and I hope you enjoy. Scott, hi. Thanks so much for joining me. My pleasure.
0:01:22.54 → 0:01:34.81
Thank you for having me. So today we're talking all about drama and Addicted to Drama, which is the name of your new book. It is. I love a good drama. Love talking about it.
0:01:34.96 → 0:01:58.81
Yeah, well, you'd hope so. By this point, I'm sure you've done plenty of talking about it. I'm glad that we're having this conversation because I think it will be relevant and will resonate with so many people. One of the most frequently asked questions that I receive from clients and from people in my instagram community is like, why do I attract unavailable people? Why do I attract X?
0:01:58.98 → 0:02:32.92
And I'm always quick to gently turn that back and ask, why are you attracted to what part of me is attracted to whatever person dynamic situation that I keep coming up against in my life? Because that's probably a more honest question and certainly a more empowering question than casting ourselves as a very passive character in the story of our lives and throwing our hands up in overwhelm and wondering why these things keep happening to us. So true. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I've certainly heard the same thing.
0:02:32.94 → 0:03:01.75
It's like, why do bad things always happen to me? Why do bad relationships continue to happen to me? Why do I keep attracting unavailable people or immature people? And I think the easiest way to sort of turn it back on yourself, the question is, if it's happened once, interesting information. If it continues to happen, what is the common denominator?
0:03:02.25 → 0:03:18.55
It's you, boo. It's you. God love you. We all love you. And it's you. And you are part of this situation. You are not a victim to it.
0:03:18.67 → 0:03:52.28
You are a participant. And the more you can identify how you are participant, the more you are empowering yourself to change it. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's right, because as much as it might feel like a hard thing to hear, and that's what I always say to people, it's so much more permissive and empowering to look at our part, because that's ultimately what's within our control. I think positioning ourselves as the one on the receiving end of all of the bad stuff with no active role in it, is not actually a very helpful story.
0:03:52.65 → 0:04:40.51
Yeah. I remember by the third person I dated who was addicted to meth, I was like, this is an unusual series of events that I'm like, what are the chances? This is weird. When I really was like, okay, clearly it's not the meth addiction I'm attracted to, but the fact that they are in some type of avoidance, that they are filling the void with something else and not really able to be there for themselves, let alone be there for me. Yeah. And so it's a heart. You're so hurt, and I was so hurt. Excuse me. I won't say you. I was so hurt.
0:04:40.56 → 0:05:08.50
I was so frustrated. I was so disappointed, and I couldn't possibly hold that within myself and take responsibility for that. So it's so easy to be like another one of you or this is your fault. It's not like, how was I a participant in my own suffering again? How was I contributing to my own lack of peace?
0:05:08.61 → 0:05:29.43
And how might that pattern be playing itself out in other parts of my life? Which is the question for those of us who are investigating, are we addicted to drama? Yeah. So maybe we can take a step back and you can give a bit of a lay of the land of what are you talking about? When you say addicted to drama, what might that look like?
0:05:29.50 → 0:06:11.57
What are the signs? How does it show up? Yeah, so we know that we don't necessarily know, but drama is essentially an unnecessary turmoil, an unnecessary chaos and crisis. And it looks like dysregulation, if you're familiar with that word, meaning there's an inefficiency of energy and attention and emotional expression. And thus, because it's so disproportionate, like, if I'm picking up a pen with the effort of picking up an elephant that's disproportionate, it's dysregulated, and it feels very performative.
0:06:11.99 → 0:06:51.52
And so that's why we often think, oh, those who are addicted to drama, like, their intensity, their exaggeration is a performance for attention. It's not. It's underneath a very dysregulated ability to modulate how much energy, emotion and attention is needed to be in response to the world. And an addiction is anything that we become dependent on that both fills a void within us and masks a core pain. It helps us be avoidant to that pain.
0:06:52.55 → 0:07:31.55
It helps us both create a numbness. And an addiction, if it's interesting enough, helps us rise above the threshold of that numbness to feel alive as well as distracted. So when we talk about an addiction of drama, it doesn't necessarily make sense because we're saying, wait, why would people be dependent on essentially more suffering? Like, why would anyone want more chaos and crisis in their life? And certainly why would their brain reward them for such a thing as part of any addiction?
0:07:31.65 → 0:08:05.63
And the reason is, well, stress is empowering, literally. Like the first aspect of the first stage of a stress response, you get activated. It's a release of all these hormones. You feel powerful, you feel strong in that first stage and there's an endorphic release, you get a pain relief. So all of these things when you feel helpless, when you feel like a victim in life, when you feel like there's no power agency, then you're going to move towards things that give you that.
0:08:05.72 → 0:08:32.66
And if stress, which is readily available, if you seek or create it or manifest, it gives you exactly that. It gives you this boost, this charge in your life. It's like drinking ten cups of coffee at any time of the day or night you want, and it's getting free. If it gives you that, you're going to become attached to it. So this is what we mean by addiction and drama.
0:08:32.66 → 0:09:04.10
And it plays itself out as the pattern of all the ways we might become just avoidant, of our own stillness, of our own peace, of our own contact or relationship with ourselves. So, I don't know, you're walking down a street, nothing going on, and all of a sudden you're thinking of a story about your ex. Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that? And you might even know, like, this isn't going to make me feel better.
0:09:04.20 → 0:09:42.87
But then you get on social media and you look them up and you're adding logs to that fire of drama, of unnecessary turmoil. You're sitting in a bathtub or relaxing somewhere on like, a lawn, and all of a sudden you are playing a scenario out about what's going to happen next week at work and it's the weekend. Why are you contributing to your own suffering? Why are you rushing down the street when you have nowhere necessarily you have to be? Why are you playing a song that's really sad when you're already feeling tender?
0:09:44.01 → 0:10:06.12
Yeah. So there's this question we're asking, and I think in our everyday spectrum of experience, why are we contributing to our own pain? Why are we contributing to the intensification of our own emotions? And what purpose does it serve for you? Yeah, thank you for that.
0:10:06.14 → 0:10:26.51
And I was going to ask exactly that because I think with all of these patterns, we have to go, okay, what am I getting out of this? Clearly there's a part of me that's meeting a need, serving some sort of adaptive purpose, or at least it has an intention to do that. Absolutely. All survival responses do. Yeah.
0:10:26.60 → 0:11:15.86
They're all strategies to navigate something. And it's unfortunate that if you've ever been around someone addicted to drama, it's exhausting, it's tiring, it's energy depleting and it's annoying, it's boundary list, it's annoying. And so there's not a lot of space for empathy. And so in the lack of empathy, we typically just brush them off as needing attention or they're just some drama queen as opposed to going, oh, this is their survival adaptive strategies to something else that looks hard and painful. They are contributing more pain to themselves to mask other pain.
0:11:15.99 → 0:11:40.13
What a terrible addiction to be in an awful cycle. Yeah. And is there I mean, I'd I'd love to know a little bit more about what you've found to be the origin of that. Whether there's a common origin story or whether what gives rise to this addiction to drama? When do we become dependent on that as a strategy?
0:11:40.31 → 0:12:04.73
Yeah, well, there is certainly common symptoms like those who have an addiction drama often feel isolated, alone. They feel like the world is against them as opposed to for them. They'll typically say things like why is it always me? Or why is it there always something? There's a real negative bias.
0:12:04.78 → 0:12:28.61
They're unable to really attend to the positives in life. They over generalise. So I had a frustrating moment in my day, I had the worst day. So you'll see exaggerated language, intensified language, lots of exclamation marks where they perhaps do not belong. You'll see them feel like there's a constant sense of urgency, like there's not enough space and time.
0:12:28.78 → 0:12:52.59
They feel rushed, they feel burdened. There's a sense of disease or anxiety that is pervasive. It creates their baseline tone. So these are things that are pretty common amongst everyone who has this propensity or addiction to drama. And in terms of the origin, there are several sort of major contributors.
0:12:52.75 → 0:13:25.44
We could look at transgenerational trauma and trauma as a factor of where that initial pain comes from. That's being when we have pain, it gets locked off in our body, gets sealed off. We call that oedema, essentially like it's a way of protecting ourselves from further injury. And that edemic response cuts that part of ourself from ourself. And whether it's emotional pain or physical pain, the same thing is happening.
0:13:25.81 → 0:14:01.05
So we either disassociate or we cut off parts of ourself that have been hurt and that trauma stays in the body. And so as we get more cut off from ourself, we exist in a void. We are scattered or we are disconnected from the place where that pain is residing. And that becomes what's called a void. And I talked earlier about how addictions form is a way of filling the void, literally pouring into the empty vessel of where I should be residing.
0:14:02.91 → 0:14:34.77
And if you grew up in a household of chaos, that becomes the normal. You have to speak at a certain decibel to be heard. That becomes the void, the decibel to which you speak. If to be heard and seen and felt, you have to be big and exaggerated or you have to always be ill or sick or something always has to be wrong. Where that becomes the currency for love, then that's what you internalise.
0:14:36.41 → 0:15:10.67
If you have a parent who's addicted to drama, you have two choices. You either join the fight and rev yourself up with them, or you collapse and become very repressed and very closed off as a means of protection. And that repression ends up leading to cathartic explosions anyways. Kind of leads us down the same path. Yeah, I mean, I think that as you describe that, it's clear that this is big, right?
0:15:10.74 → 0:15:39.36
This is kind of culturally pervasive. This doesn't feel like a niche problem. As I'm reflecting, while we kind of entered this conversation, talking about relationships like workplace, this feels big as well. So many of us, I think, form an identity around how busy we are and how stressed we are at work, but almost as a badge of honour. And that becomes like, oh, I've been so busy.
0:15:39.39 → 0:16:08.13
And that's just like how we greet each other. How have you been? Busy but good. And we can ask like, why are you over scheduling yourself? Why is the tasks at work more complex than they need to be? Why are you overcomplicating things? Why are you engaging during work and after work? Gossip. It is throwing logs on a fire of drama.
0:16:09.19 → 0:16:47.15
You're participating in it. You're either enabling it, you're participating in it or you are it's in our. And relationships become the perfect depository, the perfect place where these challenges around drama show up. Because those with an addiction to drama from attachment work, we know that this style, this stance, so to speak, or this behavioural patterns are not just the behaviour. They're also demonstrating some challenge with intimacy.
0:16:47.89 → 0:17:30.79
So if you feel isolated all the time, which those with an addiction to drama do, you're already not in relationship to yourself, let alone able to then be in relationship to other people. If you're avoiding yourself through suppression, repression or some disassociation because there's underlying pain, then you are not home to be in relationship. And vulnerability, intimacy leads to vulnerability. And vulnerability means that I'm going to come closer into contact with my own self, not just someone else, but my own self. And the emotions and the pains and the joys that all reside here.
0:17:30.91 → 0:18:26.33
And if there's like an allergic reaction to that, and that allergic reaction is a reflex that I call the revving reflex, which is as soon as I get too close to myself or too close to stillness, I'm going to rev myself up. I'm going to find and seek and create all those stress possibilities. I'm going to over schedule myself, I'm going to go gossip, I'm going to go doom scroll, whatever it takes to avoid contact with myself, which literally feels dangerous, because if I'm attending to myself, if I'm too vulnerable, I will not be available to address the next possible threat in my life and I will die. That is the underlying script. I will die because I will not be available.
0:18:26.45 → 0:18:56.59
I will not be vigilant enough to deal with the next threat. Because those of us who've had trauma, early developmental generational, whatever it is, are always on the lookout for the next threat to protect ourselves because we weren't able to the first time. Yeah. You mentioned attachment and how that can play into it. I'd be curious to know whether and to what extent you notice trends in attachment styles and addiction to drama.
0:18:56.64 → 0:19:35.96
Is there overlap there? Is there any kind of themes that emerge? Yeah, I mean, the main theme around attachment is we know attachment wounds start where there isn't the ability to co regulate. So meaning if there is not a present caregiver, and that can be community too, it doesn't have to be a single entity. But if there's not a present caregiver, who is able to be available in themselves to hold space for an infant, because we don't come into this world with the ability to regulate our own emotions and attention and energy.
0:19:36.49 → 0:19:56.79
That's modelled and it's modelled through a shared experience. So it's not like a baby's watching the caregiver and going, oh, I like how they process that emotion. Nothing like that. It's literally it's like is a parent expressive? Can they be with their emotions that's felt in the room?
0:19:56.91 → 0:20:32.87
Can I hold my infant while the infant is crying or upset and be present for them? That's co regulation. Oh, I'm learning through someone else's ability to be grounded and present and expressive, that I too can do that and that leads to self regulation. If I never get the opportunity to co regulate, I never get the opportunity to learn self regulation. And that looks like an inability to regulate my energy, my emotional expression and my attention.
0:20:33.53 → 0:21:02.18
And those are the exact ingredients that I talked about as part of an addiction to drama. The symptoms of an addiction to drama. Yeah. So I suppose then it is kind of a common origin story, but maybe it just manifests differently for different people. Most of the people that I work with lean towards more anxious attachment patterning and I think there's certainly elements of this addiction or gravitating towards drama in a lot of those behaviours.
0:21:02.29 → 0:21:37.97
But it's interesting to observe that and to also observe that. As you describe, at the heart of addiction to drama is avoiding our own stuff, avoiding that emptiness or the bigness of that void inside of us. And I think that, again, it's something that I point out to people that emotionality or loud and big emotions is not the same as vulnerability. And I think that oftentimes there can be a misunderstanding around that. People thinking, yeah, I'm good at vulnerability because of how emotional I am.
0:21:38.14 → 0:22:17.50
But I think when our emotions are coming out in whether it's a performative way or a way that is a distraction or is some sort of avoidance from the tenderness that sits underneath it, I think we again have to get a little curious about what's really going on for us there. Yeah. When the emotion is disproportionate to the experience and that's a little tricky. That is tricky to navigate what disproportionate means. But if the emotion is what I call it, a secondary emotion, which is a place where all emotions, sad, happy, whatever get deposited in to become rage.
0:22:17.69 → 0:22:59.11
Like, if I don't have a big emotional landscape and I feel a little disappointed, and it becomes rage, and I feel a little joyful, and it becomes gleeful, those are my only two emotions. And it feels very polar and extreme. It's like every subtle, nuanced emotion, and there are hundreds of them, get deposited in these major emotional containers or depositories. They're called secondary emotions. And if those emotions that I'm experiencing are primarily based on revving myself up from the past or the future, as opposed to what's actually happening in the present moment, it also seems performative.
0:22:59.53 → 0:23:36.35
So just because you have big emotions does not mean you are in contact with your emotional truth. You might be just relating and replaying stories from the past or projections of the future to get yourself to that emotional high to which you feel something with. So again, it takes you above that level of threshold and the level of numbness that's there, and you feel alive. Great. And you feel like the burst of catharsis, which ends up just actually leaving you into withdrawal symptoms from it like any addiction, right?
0:23:36.39 → 0:24:14.48
It's the plunge. Yeah. That disregulated emotional expression is not actually metabolising and processing it because often in those big experiences, you're feeding off the emotion to rev yourself up more, as opposed to using the emotion to direct and guide you towards your needs and processing and metabolising it once you've arrived at your needs, it's very different. And so for people who experience this, I'm sure by this point in our conversation, a lot of people are nodding and sheepishly raising their hand.
0:24:18.21 → 0:25:00.17
So I guess the question then becomes and again, I hear this a lot from people, it's like I'm not attracted to healthy, quote unquote, stable, healthy people. When I date someone who seems really reliable and available and kind and caring, I don't feel the same spark as I do with that person over there who doesn't text me for two weeks, but then shows up and I get the rush and the hit and the spark. So what do I do? Well, first, let's name the spark for what it is. It's called a trauma single. Okay? It is Red flag. Couture, my loves. It is not attraction. It is the mistake of what intensity is misplaced for intimacy.
0:25:00.53 → 0:25:31.13
You are chasing your red flags in that moment when you are following the magnetism of your Trauma Tingles. Okay, I love trauma tingles. I love it feels so visceral. It's so visceral and it's true. And there is a big difference of when you have healed and you can find the nuances and the flavours of love that do not feel escalated and intense and extreme and roller coastery.
0:25:31.31 → 0:25:48.65
And when the attraction feels grounded in your body, I promise you it will not feel as exciting. Sorry. Loves that's your trauma tingles. If you need excitement, go on a fucking roller coaster.
0:25:51.01 → 0:26:15.35
Maybe don't go chasing waterfalls of bad relationships to get it. But it's confusing because we often think, oh, excitement of love. Yeah, that's your stress response. It takes a couple of months to work your way into the groove of a relationship. And that's often when people are like, oh, now it's boring.
0:26:15.53 → 0:26:31.10
No, now you are in the truth of relationship. If you can make it there, the first couple of months are more stress induced. They're exciting. Stress doesn't mean bad, it can also mean exciting. But it is an activated experience.
0:26:32.19 → 0:26:59.09
It is a charged experience. And especially if we're following our Trauma Tingles, it is like there's a part of us that says, yay, we're back in the familiar. Yay, this feels like home. Home is great. And so it can be challenging because we're listening to these signals, so to speak, in our body.
0:26:59.16 → 0:27:29.02
These signals that say, like, OOH, there's just such deep attraction. And we have to learn to discern the difference between a Trauma Tingle and a present grounded, anchored, bi directional sense of flow that does include some nervousness and some vulnerability and some topsy turvy feelings as well. But also you don't lose yourself.
0:27:31.57 → 0:27:51.76
Yeah. And I think discernment is what emerges from that. It's like the thing that we so want to be able to cultivate, because I think a lot of people hear that and they go, oh, chemistry bad. Spark bad. Does that mean as soon as I feel excited about someone, I need to red flag myself the hell out of there.
0:27:51.81 → 0:28:10.61
And we can get a bit extreme and not trusting of our own judgement because we know we've got a pattern. And so we're so suspicious of our own feelings that we're like, oh, no, red flags. Go, is it a red flag if I really like someone? It's like, okay, maybe just back crisis hopping. Stop crisis hopping.
0:28:10.66 → 0:28:34.65
That's your addiction to drama. It takes some nuance, it takes some experimenting, and you won't know. And you don't have to go to the polar opposite of like going to a nunnery because you have traced your Trauma Tingles before. Yeah. It just takes a good coach or therapist to help guide you into the clarity and discernment of it.
0:28:34.82 → 0:28:56.91
Yeah. It's that hanging out in that messy place of finding our way is really hard for people who want to believe that there's a black and white three step formula way to know. No, I was in a relationship this summer. I repeated the same pattern I've done a million times. They literally said they're not available.
0:28:57.00 → 0:29:28.80
And I was like, that's okay. I'm here for you. We literally had that exchange, and I'm so grateful for it, because in this 40th time of repeating this pattern as an adult this year it's may. It's may, and I have repeated it, but it opened up a whole new access point to healing for me to have repeated it. I'm so grateful I repeated it.
0:29:28.93 → 0:29:47.67
And I've gone on dates with people since, and I was like, oh, trauma tingles aren't here. Yeah. This pattern that they're doing doesn't seem sexy anymore. Oh, they're not available. That's weird.
0:29:47.79 → 0:30:04.33
I don't feel turned on. Well, am I too old to feel turned on now? No. I have worked it out where I'm like, oh, it just doesn't it's not attractive anymore. And that feels like such freedom.
0:30:04.67 → 0:30:25.49
Yeah. Where I'm like, I've just got up and walked out of a date. I'm like, yeah, you're great, and I just need someone who's more emotionally available. And you actually haven't asked me a single question about me, so I'm giving you some information about me now by leaving. Bye.
0:30:27.27 → 0:30:59.02
You must have felt so on top of the world walking out of there. I followed up with them and I was like, hey, I just want to make sure you understood where I'm coming from and not to leave you hanging, but that was my boundary. It doesn't work for me. And I'm sure you will either read a good book called Addicted to Drama or find whoever signed copy and here's my assigned copy. Yeah, I think that's the way it can go, right?
0:30:59.07 → 0:31:07.89
When we take responsibility, rather than going. I think the old way would be, why didn't they ask me any questions about me? Why would that what does it mean? What is that? Oh, yeah.
0:31:07.96 → 0:31:44.08
I would say that I'm not interesting enough or like, yeah, all the internal scripts, those internal skips are like glue to the pattern. They help just seal it in, and as you remove the pattern and the trauma tingles no longer feel enticing, those scripts also just begin to drip away. It's like they didn't ask me any questions. They don't know how or they weren't interested. And that's also okay, they don't have to be interested in me, but at least I'm clear that that's not what I want.
0:31:44.45 → 0:32:23.25
Yeah. I think that when we notice ourselves going into that detective mode and trying to analyse someone and make their behaviour make sense or find some sort of way to reverse engineer the outcome that we want or we are is it that they are avoidant or they have this type of trauma? And maybe also I should try this strategy to get through to them and this is how I'll make them feel safe so that they open up. It's just like, can I take all of that as feedback about what's going on for me rather than meaning anything about them? Can I deal with that first and foremost?
0:32:23.38 → 0:32:44.21
Yeah. And if any of those scripts are happening, that's not relationship. That is not the foundation for a healthy, secure relationship right there. So if you find yourself in it, you got a little work to do, and that's cool. Welcome to the club of getting our shit together whenever we're getting our shit together.
0:32:44.36 → 0:32:57.40
And if you're making it all about them, guess what? You got some work to do as well. And that's okay. We are an emergent experience. As humans, we are never complete.
0:32:58.01 → 0:33:33.97
So get comfortable with where you are in your emergent healing journey and just rock it. Yeah. So what would you say then, when we notice that tendency in ourselves? Is there a way that we can rather than going into that urge of retreating and going into those extremes of, oh, I just have to isolate myself and do all of my healing in a very serious way until I'm healed enough to go and do this? What are some kind of tangible in between steps as we walk the path so that we can still exist in the world while acknowledging that we have some work to do?
0:33:34.12 → 0:33:49.40
Yeah. Well, here's another bullshit comment like that, which is that I have to love myself before I can be loved. I've said that before. Bullshit. When you were a baby, you did not fucking love yourself.
0:33:50.65 → 0:34:35.37
You didn't even know you existed really, yet you didn't have all the systems in place. So find people that know how to love friends, therapists, people who are co regulating professionals and hang out with them and just be like, what's this like? What's this like to be in an environment and ecosystem in a room where someone is present and available? Oh, that's scary. For me, whatever it is that's the experiment is, it does not have to it can be with a significant other, but it gets complex and messy sometimes when we try and do that.
0:34:35.46 → 0:35:11.99
So you don't have to go retreat, go to a nunnery, you don't have to shut yourself off to the world, you don't have to stop dating, but do find the resources that are available of people who know how to be available and present with you. That is not the same thing as people who are enabling your addiction to drama. If you're talking about you're shit talking so and so and they did this and they did that, and then that friend goes, oh my gosh, and what happened next? That is not someone who's actually being present with you. That is someone who's jumping into your bonfire of drama.
0:35:12.04 → 0:35:28.98
Someone you have pulled into your crisis through your vortex of drama. Different. Very different. So. Find people who are sturdy, grounded anchor. Put a newspaper ad out there for that.
0:35:31.21 → 0:35:56.87
Looking for a sturdy co regulator in my city. Looking for a sturdy co regulator. Here's my IG information. Like a really good embodied somatic coach has hopefully done that work for themselves so that they can be available for you and you use that as a petri dish to rewire and that's so important. And then you keep dating at the same time.
0:35:56.96 → 0:36:59.03
But does it feel like when you're with that person that you've hired from the newspaper or a therapist or a coach or whatever, when you have built the place where it feels safe to feel safe I'm going to say that again. When you have built the place where it feels safe to be safe in those conditions, then you are ready to find that and use that as a beacon to be in relationship with other people who can offer you that and where you can offer them that. Yeah, that's beautifully said and I think that you're so right using. If we see relationship, intimate relationship, particularly when we've got all of those old patterns that we know are not working for us, we see that as kind of top rung of the ladder up there with maybe like family systems. It's like, can I take some in between steps that aren't going to be so heavy on my system, that aren't going to go straight to those buttons and push them frantically?
0:36:59.13 → 0:38:02.20
Because it's so familiar, there's so much muscle memory around it, it's like I could just go straight there before I even realise it. Can I take those in between steps with safe people and build up the capacity in a way that feels a bit more contained, rather than throwing myself into the lion's den and just trying to figure it out on the fly and then being exasperated and deflated when I wind up right back where I started? Yeah, it's funny you say the Lions Den, that's my last name and my family had on the garage door to Lions Den was a long lineage of drama addicts gathering in that home. So it holds special and I love that you said the hierarchy even to get to the place where you can trial these skills that you're learning with a family system. And I'm laughing at that because it's like, to me, that's the ultimate place of the ultimate adventure course.
0:38:02.65 → 0:38:45.13
That's the arena. That is the arena with the gladiators right there. If you can get through a family holiday period without the drama, my therapist says, like, your family created the buttons, they know how to push them and they're operating on an older version of you, not the healed version of you, because they haven't healed to ascend to the same level. So they are working with their familiars, which is challenging. So you're going in with all your new tools and you're like, fuck, I've done all this work.
0:38:45.19 → 0:39:16.23
I'm amazing. I even have a successful relationship now and I'm going to go practise that in my family Christmas party. And then you get there and there's things that are thrown and doors that are slammed and food fights and suitcases that are packed five days earlier than they should have been and whatever the chaos exists in that and you're like, wait, but I did all this work. I paid all this money. Why did it work?
0:39:16.40 → 0:39:38.32
Yeah, so I just want to normalise in those cases. It is about them, it's not you. Yeah. So I guess then that leads to one other limb of all of this. Which is, if you are maybe not the drama addict yourself or you have done work around it, how can you be in proximity to or?
0:39:38.34 → 0:40:15.89
In relationship with other people who maybe haven't done that work in a way that feels boundaried and where you are taking care of yourself in that space without going to extremes of cutting people off or again, going to that thing of like I can't be in relationship with you at all, which in some circumstances might be the last resort. That might be the right thing. But I think there's a lot of in between space. So how can we safely be around people who maybe are still in that mode? Yeah, well, first you got to take care of you, which is their drama is contagious.
0:40:16.55 → 0:41:04.32
I'm not just saying that metaphorically. I'm saying that from as a neurophysiologist, their stress response stimulates your stress response and part of their mechanism for feeling safe, quote unquote, safe in relationship is pulling you into their drama vortex, pulling you into the crisis, into the hurricane, the tornado that they create. And that is ungrounding, that is dysregulating to you. So you need to spend a lot of time building up the capacity to be anchored in yourself, aware of your own emotions when they start to pull you or a mesh, you're able to use different tools to say, I'm not participating in this. That means things like, I'm not enabling them.
0:41:04.85 → 0:41:17.08
I'm not going to say things like, oh, and then what did they say? How could they? How dare you? It's like, that sounds really difficult. Sounds like you had an aspect of your day that was really hard.
0:41:17.45 → 0:41:30.04
Notice I took the over generalised language and made it specific. Yeah. In that moment, I had the worst day ever. Tell me about your worst day ever. What were some of the components of your worst day?
0:41:30.73 → 0:41:59.26
Can you also tell me about some of the things that worked for you today or that were decent? So I hear you had some decent aspects of your day and some hard parts. Sounds like a really mixed bag in that way. I mean, look, I'm a therapist, that's how but those are boundaried language tools. Somewhat like, I know my aunt's coming over and she loves to gossip and she loves to just go in the realm of drama.
0:41:59.32 → 0:42:22.49
She loves to talk about her shows and what's on the news and it's catastrophe left, right and centre. It's the catastrophe games and I'm not interested in participating. That is boring to me. And for me, just a side note for me to say it's boring. That's been a lot of work to get there.
0:42:22.64 → 0:42:31.45
I was going to say, that's a sign, right? It's like, oh, thank God. It's boring to me. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
0:42:31.87 → 0:42:59.22
When I say drama play out, I just sort of giggle at this point. I'm like, Yay, I see you, I see you, it's all good. I will say, hey, I have 15 minutes for you, or if you want to talk about what's happening in your life, we're going to go on a walk. So I'm not stuck in a space with you. With limited space, I might say, oh, I'm happy to listen, but we got to play foosball while we talk or something.
0:43:01.13 → 0:43:54.68
Or, I'm happy to listen to the challenges of your day. I also, for my own preservation, need to hear some things that are not challenges, or I also need us to talk about some things that are positive in the world. If you're just going to talk and catastrophize the news, things like that, of setting boundaries, it sounds like one of the aspects of that that might feel challenging for people is that particularly in a family system, when belonging to the system has meant participating in the drama. We will have to come face to face with the fears around not belonging and going like, oh, okay, there might be consequences of this and I might just have to prioritise my well being above, I suppose, recognising what it costs me to belong in a system that is addicted to drama and chaos. Look, you will lose people.
0:43:55.53 → 0:44:19.21
That is the existential real thing of life. You will lose people. As you heal, people will not be able to use you to drama bond in the same way, so you become unavailable for them. Sorry, not sorry. That's for your own health and loss is real.
0:44:19.33 → 0:44:34.42
I acknowledge that they also meant something to you, if that's the case, and they may come back after they do their own healing too, or they may not, and that friends come and go.
0:44:37.03 → 0:44:59.48
It is a real aspect of life. Like, how many of your high school friends do you still talk to? Yeah. Like, how many of your elementary school friends do you still talk to? Yeah, I just want to kind of normalise, because the other piece I didn't say is you can walk away if you have tried all of these other strategies and they're really laid out in the book for you as well.
0:44:59.61 → 0:45:22.52
If you know someone addicted to drama and how to take care of yourself, if you have tried all these other strategies and it's a no win situation, you're locked in to their crisis. No matter what you do, walk away. It's okay. You are entitled and allowed to take care of yourself first. Just like on an aeroplane.
0:45:22.63 → 0:45:36.76
Put the oxygen over your mouth first. Yeah. That might mean walking away. Yeah. Look, I'm saying that having known people who have walked away from me in the long run, I'm glad they did.
0:45:38.35 → 0:46:11.34
First of all, they were enabling me. I'm glad they did. I'm glad they took care of themselves, because it was also a wake up call to me. At a certain point, after enough people are like, why aren't they texting me and asking me to go out with them every Friday night? I did recognise there was something I was doing that maybe was not giving them the peace that they deserve in their life.
0:46:11.52 → 0:46:25.44
Yeah. It goes back to that common denominator point that we started with, right? Yeah. Being an invitation to look in the mirror and get a bit curious and honest. That mirror is hard.
0:46:25.62 → 0:46:36.62
It is, absolutely. It's so much easier to blame everyone else. So much easier. Oh, my gosh, I wish I had the naivete to still do that.
0:46:40.29 → 0:47:26.55
Although I think, as we said, there is something really ultimately empowering and liberating about getting into the driver's seat and I suppose recognising that we are responsible and capable of taking care of ourselves and owning our part and deciding who we're going to be in relationship to others and how we're going to be realising that that is actually within our control in large part is very, very empowering when we have gone through life feeling like all of that is not within our control. Absolutely. Well said, scott, thank you so much. This has been such a great chat and I'm sure it's going to be hugely valuable to everyone listening. So thank you so much for being here.
0:47:26.59 → 0:47:37.44
We will link all of your work and your book and everything in the show notes. Where can people find you if they want to come into your world and work with you?
0:47:40.61 → 0:47:50.44
You can go to Drscotlions. So dr. Scott Lyons.com. It has some quizzes that are fun, like short little quizzes. Are you addicted to drama?
0:47:50.47 → 0:48:24.03
Do you know someone addicted to drama? It has information about my book, has links to all my trainings on the Embody Lab, the Somatic therapy platform, which I should interrupt and say, I've taken several programmes through the Embody Lab and I highly, highly recommend it. So if anyone is kind of working in this space and wants to learn more about this, I couldn't recommend those programmes more highly. Thank you. Yeah, that platform is my baby and pride is not something I had experienced for most of my life.
0:48:24.10 → 0:48:35.66
It was not something I allowed myself to feel because I wasn't feeling much besides extremes. But I really feel proud of what the Embody Lab has done in the world. Yeah. Really grateful. Yes.
0:48:35.68 → 0:48:43.15
You should. It's making its impact. Yeah, it's really one of a kind. Thank you. So.
0:48:43.19 → 0:48:54.36
Yeah. The Embody lab, drscotlines.com. I'm on Instagram, I have a very fun, spicy podcast called The Gently Used Human that launched today.
0:49:00.35 → 0:49:24.72
Other than that, I'm writing books and I'm just rocking my own addiction to drama. Well, thanks so much, Scott. We'll put all of that in the show notes for anyone who wants to cheque out Scott's work, which I can highly recommend, but otherwise, thanks so much for being here. My pleasure. Thank you.
0:49:26.53 → 0:49:49.08
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__Rigg or stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Am I Being Unreasonable? (Part 1)
A question I get all the time is “Am I being unreasonable in my relationship” in what I ask for, what I expect, what I need from my partner. So, in today’s episode I’m sharing specific examples from my community if the example is reasonable or not, to help you to be able to make that decision for yourself in your relationship.
One of the things I’m most often asked is “How do I know if I’m being unreasonable in my relationship?”. This can be a really tough enquiry to determine for yourself, particularly when you’re getting a lot of pushback and self-trust may be lacking.
In today’s episode, I’m offering my take on your specific examples as to whether certain expectations, requests or situations are reasonable (or not), to help you to be able to build your discernment muscle and ultimately feel equipped to make that decision for yourself in your relationships.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Should someone text me everyday after 1 or 2 dates
Asking my partner to stop speaking to his ex because I compare myself with her
Asking my significant other to not like scandalous or seductive pictures online
Asking my partner to check in with me when they get home safely after drinking
Wanting regular sleepovers when he sleeps better alone
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code JUNE50 for 50% off 3 masterclasses or the Higher Love Course - www.stephanierigg.com
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.09 → 0:00:33.45
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is titled am I Being Unreasonable?
0:00:33.63 → 0:01:16.88
And it is inspired by a question that I get asked all the time, which is just that how do I know if I'm being unreasonable in my relationship, in what I ask for, what I expect, what I need from my partner? This is a question that I get asked all the time and unfortunately, it's really challenging for me to answer that in the abstract. And that's what I always say to people. I'm not able to give you some sort of rule of thumb that is going to be generalised enough to apply in every situation in a helpful way, because it's just so dependent on context. So I had the idea to ask people on Instagram what are some examples of situations in your relationship where you ask yourself that question, how do I know if I'm being unreasonable?
0:01:16.94 → 0:02:18.00
And I got inundated with responses and so I recorded all of those responses and have selected some to chat through in today's episode as specific examples to share my take on whether and when and to what extent that thing might be reasonable or not to expect of a partner. So I'm hoping that in taking it out of the abstract and in giving you almost, like worked examples, that that will not only give you a bit of a steer on how you could approach those specific situations, but in filling in the blanks a little in colouring in the picture that might help you to build up your own muscle of discernment so that you feel better placed to make that assessment for yourself going forward in your own relationships. It's sort of teaching someone to fish and enabling them to then eat for a lifetime, as the saying goes. So that is what today is going to be about. And I've got at least two parts to this episode plan because, as I said, I received a lot of responses from you guys.
0:02:18.10 → 0:03:12.29
And if it's a format that you enjoy, as in me speaking to specific questions that you've sent in, do let me know by leaving a review or sending me a message on Instagram or leaving a little comment on spotify, which you're now able to do under the episodes so that I know that you like the format and I can take that on board when planning future episodes. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that you might have heard me say, for the month of June, I'm offering 50% off my Higher Love Breakup course, as well as my free Master classes with the code June 50 so you can go to my website and save 50% off any of those programmes. So if you've been interested in delving a little deeper into my work, now is a great time to do that. I've also been meaning to mention this is a very delayed announcement because it's definitely not new, but about a month ago I launched a standalone website for the podcast.
0:03:12.34 → 0:03:49.07
So you can now go to onattachment.com and scroll through all of the episodes. There's resources there and you can also ask a question. So there's a form that will allow you to submit a question. As you would probably know if you've been listening for a while, I have frequent Q and A episodes where I'm addressing a community question and now there is a way for you to do that that's a little more organised than sending me random DMs and stuff that can get lost. So it's a nice centralised place for you to submit a question if you'd like me to address your specific concern or situation that you're in in a future episode.
0:03:49.15 → 0:04:15.39
So on attachment.com, it's got lots of resources and we are at the very early stages of that and have plans to build it out into a really helpful resource. So go cheque it out if you're a fan of the podcast. Finally, just to share the featured review, which is I just want to let you know how grateful I am for your podcast. For me, it was a revelation that all those types of attachment exists and knowing mine and my partner's attachment is helping me a lot in how to improve my relationship. Thank you so much.
0:04:15.54 → 0:04:53.69
Thanks so much for that beautiful review. If that was yours, please send a message to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around am I being unreasonable? Now, the first one that I want to speak to, and there were many, many, many versions of this that I received, were am I being unreasonable when I expect someone to text me every day after one or two dates? So by far and away the most frequent theme in the responses that I got was around texting texting frequency.
0:04:54.43 → 0:05:46.09
Things like I want my partner to text me every morning, text me every night, I want text throughout the day when we're at work. So there's clearly a lot of expectation happening here around texting frequency. And without knowing, with certainty, my strong assumption is that this is mostly coming from anxiously attached people who, as we know, have a strong preference for very frequent communication, being in contact. And in the absence of that contact, there can be a lot of storytelling and meaning making and stress and anxiety that takes hold pretty quickly and can escalate. So there are a few things that I would say to this I think that expecting someone to text you every day after one or two dates, it's really important to distinguish between a reasonable expectation and a legitimate desire, we might say.
0:05:46.16 → 0:06:22.85
So I think that to the extent that someone doesn't text you every day after one or two dates and you are spiralling into that means they don't care about me, they don't like me, they're going to ghost me, they've lost interest, I wasn't impressive enough. They clearly don't really want to see me or invest in me. Because if they did, then they would be texting me all the time. There's a lot of meaning making happening there and that is projecting your own preferences and your own norms around texting onto someone else and then interpreting their behaviour through that lens. The reality is that not everyone likes texting all the time.
0:06:23.05 → 0:07:03.87
If you are, as I said, more anxious, then that's probably hard for you to wrap your head around because there is a strong preference to be in constant contact with someone, particularly in those early stages when you're very excited about it. But I think we do need to remember that not everyone has the same preferences. And frankly, what I would say to anyone who struggles with this whole thing around texting frequency is that it's not really healthy to be texting someone all the time and to be expecting that. And I think that if you were honest with yourself, you'd recognise that it is distracting for you. It probably occupies a lot of your field of vision to be in that constant back and forth texting.
0:07:03.95 → 0:07:43.11
I know that when I've been in patterns of that in the past, it's like I can't focus on anything else. I'm picking up my phone constantly, I'm anticipating the next text and you get a text and then you get that little dopamine spike and then you get the plummet afterwards and you're waiting for the next spike. It's very addictive and it's very all consuming and for me, at least, as I said, I've experienced this. It's really hard to be present with anything else that's going on in my life because I'm so absorbed by my phone and by the anticipation of the next text from this person. So there's this sense of reaching and never enoughness when it comes to super frequent texting.
0:07:43.16 → 0:08:23.33
So I suppose all of that to say my advice would be don't make meaning out of the fact that you're not getting daily texts from someone after one or two dates. That's a slippery slope and is probably going to lead you to personalise someone's behaviour when you don't really know anything about their behaviour. You don't know that that means something that might just be them being different to you. I think you're allowed to reach out to someone, you're allowed to want to talk to them, but you also can't impose your requirements in a really demanding way on someone else and particularly when those requirements or when those expectations are maybe not the most healthy thing either. So I think the advice would be try and take it slow, particularly at the start.
0:08:23.42 → 0:08:55.76
One or two dates is not that much. And consider putting boundaries in place for your own texting use and frequency. This urgency culture where we all expect everyone to be available to everyone all the time in this very unrelenting way, is harmful and it leads us to all be anxious and depleted and exhausted. So consider putting some boundaries in place for your own texting usage. So maybe you send a message to someone at the start of the day and then say to them, I'll chat to you tomorrow, or maybe we can talk later tonight.
0:08:55.90 → 0:09:33.57
So that you've put some boundaries and expectations in place in a more direct and overt way, and you're not just waiting for the possibility that you might get a text from them at any moment. And in so doing, being really tethered to your phone, being really anxious and waiting on someone else in a way that detracts from your ability to be present in the rest of your life. So that was a bit of a long winded answer, but I think there's some principles in there that will be relevant to a lot of people. And of course, the reasonableness will also hinge on one or two dates. That might be a different story if you've been dating someone for three months.
0:09:33.64 → 0:10:13.11
Right? I think it's reasonable to expect daily cheque ins if you've been dating someone for a little longer. But I think after a date we do have to just pull back a little and calibrate our expectations and remind ourselves that this person is more or less a stranger and we don't really have the right or entitlement to demand that level of attention and time of theirs in the specific way that we would prefer it. Okay, the next one is am I being unreasonable when I ask him to stop speaking to his ex as I compare myself to her and it makes me feel not good enough? So there's a few layers to this.
0:10:13.20 → 0:11:01.10
I think that what I hear in this question is the need to take a little more responsibility for the latter half of it, which is I need him to stop speaking to his ex because I compare myself to her and I feel not good enough. Right. It's like I need you to stop doing that because I have all of these other things going on and the insecurities that I have lead me to feel a certain way in response to your behaviour. So there's sort of two prongs to it right now. If someone is speaking to their ex several times a day in a way that just doesn't feel right, then I think that we are absolutely entitled to raise concerns or to say, look, I'm not accusing you of anything, but I'm not really comfortable with that.
0:11:01.23 → 0:11:52.57
It doesn't really feel good for me and I'm noticing myself experiencing some insecurities about it and it's something that I'm struggling with opening up a conversation in a way that's self responsible but also honest. I think that's a reasonable course of action. But if someone is in casual contact with an ex in a way that is, for all intents and purposes, pretty above board, and they just have a good, friendly, amicable relationship and they keep in touch from time to time. I'm not sure that in that scenario, it's reasonable or advisable to say you need to stop speaking to her because I'm threatened by the fact that you guys still have a friendship and that you are in contact at all. I think that is maybe crossing the line from a reasonable request to being controlling from a place of insecurity.
0:11:52.65 → 0:12:26.51
So I think that's kind of the line that we'd be looking to draw and querying is there something that feels off about this situation? And again, it's not really the kind of thing that I can give you any kind of objective marker about because it will be contextual, but that's the level of discernment that we want to cultivate. Is there something that just doesn't feel right about this situation? Does it feel disrespectful in some way? Does it feel inappropriate or do they just have an amicable friendship and that's uncomfortable for you because you really struggle with jealousy and comparison and insecurity?
0:12:26.69 → 0:12:55.82
If the latter, then I think that's primarily your work. With that being said, I think you can still either way share vulnerably with your partner, what you're experiencing. But I don't know that it's one you can demand they change their behaviour so that you feel less insecure. Because ultimately if it's not the ex, it's going to be someone else, right? And just controlling our partner, saying oh, you can't speak to that woman at work or you can't chat to the barista or whatever else, right?
0:12:56.00 → 0:13:37.17
We're trying to control someone else's behaviour so that we don't have to deal with our insecurities that are fundamentally ours to deal with. Okay, the next 01:00 a.m. I being unreasonable when I ask my significant other to not like scandalous or seductive pictures of other women online. So this is something that I hear a lot, women who struggle with their partners, following a lot of accounts on Instagram that are essentially very provocative, let's say, to put it lightly and feeling uncomfortable with that. And this is one where I would personally say I don't think that's unreasonable at all.
0:13:37.32 → 0:14:36.19
I don't think that you can force someone not to do that. And I think that depending on their level of maturity, they might just get defensive and dig their heels in and really defend their right to do that. But I think that it's reasonable to feel uncomfortable with your partner consuming that content just so casually right, for their feed on Instagram or wherever else to be comprised of more or less naked women in a very provocative way. And for them to be not only curating their social media consumption towards that, but then to be engaging with it, to be liking commenting on that, that wouldn't feel comfortable for me either. I would feel personally that that was disrespectful to the relationship and I would certainly raise that if that were present in my relationship.
0:14:36.39 → 0:15:01.99
So I don't think that that's unreasonable. But I do think that there's probably a bigger conversation to be had there than just can you not like those pictures? And maybe if you can find it within yourself to approach that conversation, albeit a very vulnerable conversation with a level of curiosity rather than accusation and blame because I think if you just say what's wrong with you? That's so inappropriate. Can't you see how disrespectful that is to me?
0:15:02.11 → 0:15:30.35
Even though you may feel those things and again, I don't really blame you if you go at it with that energy, you might get defensiveness back. So maybe explaining it in a bit more of a vulnerable way, saying hey, I know that a lot of people do that, but here's how it impacts me, here's how I feel. Again, not saying that that was your intention, but this is what the impact is. Can we talk about that? Can I try and understand why that's appealing to you to do that?
0:15:30.44 → 0:15:59.72
Because it does have this impact on me and it doesn't feel good, doesn't feel respectful to our relationship and can we talk about it? So I think approaching the conversation in a way that is seeking to understand while also setting a boundary and making a request for a behaviour change there, I think that's absolutely reasonable. Okay, the next one is am I being unreasonable when I want my partner to cheque in and let me know they arrived home safely if they were out drinking? This one for me is reasonable. I do this.
0:15:59.82 → 0:16:41.67
And I think I've always done this. And yeah, I think that if you are wanting to know that your partner is safe and accounted for and you know that that can be an anxiety inducing experience when they're out drinking, I know that I can struggle with that. It's something that I don't know whether it's conditioning around, maybe more so for women that we're inclined to cheque in, that people have gotten home safe. I think that can be an element of it. But also, I know for a lot of people that there is anxiety around someone being out drinking and that's a whole nother conversation to be had at another time.
0:16:41.79 → 0:17:14.02
But I think that just a simple text to let someone know that you're home safe can really set one's heart at ease. And I don't think it's a huge ask. So if that helps to build and establish trust so that you don't feel anxious about those situations, then I think that that's a reasonable ask. Again, I don't think it needs to be delivered in a way that's controlling or demanding, but just contextualising how that is for you. And again, you can own that there's an anxiety piece to it.
0:17:14.07 → 0:18:10.96
I've certainly had that conversation with my partner saying, I realise that you don't necessarily care about this or you wouldn't think to do this without me asking, but I feel anxious when you're out drinking and it would mean a lot to me. If you could just keep me posted on where you're at and how you're tracking and when you expect to be home, all of those sorts of things. It really goes a long way in calming my system and I think that that is a reasonable ask for someone that you're in a relationship with. Okay, the last one for this episode is, am I being unreasonable when I want regular sleepovers, as he always leaves in the evening and says he sleeps better at home alone? So I think that this is one where we can find a compromise and that's really the essence of the messiness of secure relationships is we can meet in the middle and go, yeah, that's absolutely fine, that you sleep better at home alone.
0:18:11.02 → 0:18:34.86
I'm not going to judge you for that. I'm not going to make it mean that you don't love me or care about me or any of those other stories I might tell myself. I'm going to try not to feel too rejected or hurt for the fact that you don't sleep over and you prefer to sleep in your own bed. Fine. And I'm going to ask you to sometimes do the thing that I prefer, right.
0:18:34.99 → 0:19:02.95
Because I think that when it's just one person saying, I don't want to sleep over because I sleep better at home alone, therefore I'm never going to sleep over. Even though sleeping over means something to you and is what you desire. I think that's kind of being a bit selfish, to put it bluntly. So I think that to say I know that you prefer to sleep at home, but it would mean a lot to me if every so often you would sleep over, or even every other time. Right.
0:19:02.99 → 0:19:28.59
We can alternate between you sleeping over and not. Or maybe if it really is important to you that you get a good night's sleep before work, then maybe on a weekend you can sleep over, have the conversation in a way that is a negotiation. Essentially, you can advocate for your needs and preferences while not making someone wrong for their needs and preferences. But the point is that you find some sort of middle ground that works for both of you and that is how it works. Right.
0:19:28.71 → 0:20:07.43
I think that when there's sensitive things like this, and I think for a lot of people, something like sleepovers, particularly if it's after you've been intimate, that can feel really vulnerable. And you can really want the closeness of sleeping together, as in actually sleeping together after being intimate. And it can feel really painful for someone to just up and leave and say, oh, sorry, I sleep better at home. It can feel like a bit of a personal rejection. And so I think when we're feeling rejected, that we're probably the least inclined to voice a need because we already feel like we've been rejected.
0:20:07.48 → 0:21:09.47
And so to extend our request out when we don't feel like the other person's going to be receptive to it feels really risky and fair enough. So maybe this is a conversation not to have in the moment, not to have right then and there, but maybe to have at some other time when you feel like you've got a little bit more capacity and you've got a little bit more confidence and you can just share that. It would mean a lot to you if he could stay over once a week or twice a week at times when it is the least disruptive to his routine, if he doesn't get the best night's sleep ever. I think when we can give someone context for the meaning that it would mean a lot to us, then they're much more likely to cooperate with that and to compromise, because in the absence of you sharing that, he may just not know that it means anything to you. Sometimes we really have to make sure that we're giving someone the chance to meet our needs rather than just staying quiet and then being disappointed when our needs aren't met.
0:21:09.59 → 0:21:56.75
Okay, so that was the first part of this little series around am I being unreasonable? I hope that this has been helpful and has given you something to think about, has given you a bit of a sense for how you can approach these questions in a way that is not black and white. Unfortunately, black and white would be much easier, but it would be not in service of really building healthy, secure relationships because oftentimes there is a level of negotiation and nuance and context that's required to have these conversations and to make these assessments. But yeah, I hope that this has helped you to start building that muscle of discernment so that you can make those calls for yourself. And as I said, if you've enjoyed this episode in this format, do let me know so that I can bear that in mind when planning future episodes.
0:21:56.83 → 0:22:23.70
Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. And I hope to see you again soon.