#101 Navigating Long-Distance Relationships: Tips & Pitfalls
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
We’ll cover:
Why it’s normal and natural to struggle with long-distance
How attachment dynamics can exacerbate long-distance challenges
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about navigating long distance relationships. So how we can best approach a long distance relationship, whether it's for a period of time or whether it's a longer term arrangement, and unpacking some of the ways that you might alleviate the challenges of that dynamic and also talking about how certain attachment patterns might play out in a long distance setup. So this is far from her comprehensive deep dive into what is a very big topic with a lot of nuance and obviously the long-distance thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:10]:
You know, there's such a spectrum of ways that could look and different circumstances and, you know, different people with different dynamics and different challenges in their own relationships, so I think long distance can magnify some of the things that might already be present and may exacerbate some of the challenges that a relationship is already experiencing. So take what I'm going to share today as a very general overview I am going to see if I can get a friend of mine who is an expert in this. She's another relationship coach, and she did long distance herself for a long time and teachers on this. So I might see if I can get her as a guest on the podcast to go into this in a little more depth in detail.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:54]:
But I'm hoping that for today, we'll be able to cover why long distance can feel challenging and why it makes total sense that long distance would feel really challenging. And some of the things that you can think about doing, if that's a situation that you're in, to alleviate some of those stresses.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Next week, I am running a live master class on building trust. So we're going to be talking about self trust and trust in a relational context. And, you know, that'll include a lot of material actually don't know how I'm gonna cover it all in the 90 minutes that I've allotted, so we may go over time. There will also be an opportunity for Q and A with me at the end. and the master class will be recorded, and you will have access to that recording. So if you are someone who struggles with self trust, And, you know, you have a bit of a trust wound that you're aware of that drives some of your patents in relationship. I'd really love for you to come along. and learn with me and others how we can build more inner trust and that relationship with ourselves and then carry that into our relationships in a way that allows us to feel a sense of safety and groundedness and confidence in advocating for ourselves and our needs.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:16]:
2nd quick announcement is just to share the feature to review for today, which is I stumbled upon this podcast and so relieved I did the first 20 minutes into an episode. I felt like Stephanie knew what I was feeling thinking and struggling with. It's reassuring to know we're not alone in our struggles and that there are beautiful souls like Tiffany who generously share advice and tools to help others feel better. I'm grateful for your podcast and wisdom. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for you and your kind words of support. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast at stephanierig.com. and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And that can include the Building Trust Masterclass if you would like to come along and join us next week. So just shoot an email to my team, and we'll get you all sorted. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around long distance relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:03]:
So I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset what is probably obvious, which is that long-distance relationships are hard work. They require a lot more effort and intention than a relationship where you are in the same place, whether living together or living in the same town or city, proximity does a lot of the heavy lifting and allows us to, I suppose, be comfortable in not having to really put in a lot of effort into seeing each other and making the time. Of course, that will vary on situation to situation. But I think that with distance, we are immediately required to really carve out that time and space. There's no complacency in a long-distance relationship because I think that it will wither very quickly if we aren't putting in additional effort to really stay connected sense. And I think that recognizing, you know, even if you're not someone who really values, you know, physical closeness, there is so much unspoken intimacy in proximity and being near each other. And I think that you know, a lot of our connection needs are met just via that proximity even without anything more than that. So when we Take that away. Of course, we are going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting and put in a lot more effort than would otherwise be needed if we were just in each other's company and space all the time and had the comfort of that, you know, circumstantial sort of intimacy and closeness. So starting by recognizing that long distance is going to be challenging.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:47]:
I've been in a long distance relationship myself, a period of time. It was in our entire relationship. And it was really challenging. We, I think, just naturally felt less connected and less involved in each other's lives than we were used to. And it's really easy, I think, to drift when you're in that space, and to maybe take each other for granted rather than really putting in that time and effort and energy into staying a part of each other's world in a really active way. So recognizing the challenges of it. And then I suppose the additional layer that I alluded to earlier was in an anxious avoided dynamic or if we're looking the overlay of attachment patterns on what is already a challenging starting point. If you lean more anxious, Of course, we know that uncertainty is hard. Distance is hard. Feeling out of control is hard. Feeling like you cannot reach your partner. whether literally you can't get in contact with them, or there's some sort of block there that you can't feel fully connected to them. You can't really feel them. Your jealousy can be a real trigger for a lot of anxious folks. not really knowing where you stand, not having that clarity. All of these things are challenging for anxiously attached to people at the best of times. And we know that, right, we know that those baseline tendencies and sensitivities are there, and we can see how they might be exacerbated by distance. on the other side, someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns, in my experience, avoidant folks tend to do better with out of sight, out of mind. And I don't mean that to say that they don't care about you if you were in long distance, but they're probably not feeling the absence or the distance as acutely as you are if you have more anxious patterns of really, you know, that those proximity seeking behaviors as a way feel safe. So an avoidant leaning person is likely to be more able to compartmentalize such that they can go about their daily life with that distance and not be overly bothered by it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:07]:
And so we can have this situation whereby you're really having a different experience of the long distance arrangement, and I think that that can of itself creates some tension because the anxious person's going, you're not even having a hard time. You don't even care about me. this isn't even hard for you. You don't even miss me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:26]:
All of these stories that are coming from the pain of separation. And, obviously, like, we know how that can go. We know that that can exacerbate those dynamics by starting to kind of attack each other or push or protest. And, you know, maybe the person on the other side not being terribly well placed to validate that pain or I'm feeling like, you know, they get defensive because they feel like they're being attacked when they haven't done anything wrong. So what do we do with all of that?
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:54]:
I think it's really important to understand that for some people, and I suppose this is a bit of a permission slip, you don't have to be okay with long distance. for me, at this point in my life, it is not something that I would be open to because it would not allow me the level of intimacy and closeness and, you know, day to day connection and support that I desire. And so it's okay to know that about yourself.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:35]:
Of course, it is easier to know that about yourself as a starting point and be able to decline to continue in a dynamic or or to pursue, I should say, a dynamic with someone where that would be case from the outset. Right? So, for example, if you met someone and you lived in different places, you could say I'm not gonna pursue that connection because I don't wanna do long distance. That's a simpler version. Right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:50]:
Of course, it is harder if you're already in a relationship and something changes structurally such that you are going to have to move to long distance from togetherness. Again, you don't have to be okay with that. and you might decide that it is too much for you. If it is really acutely painful, you might decide that that isn't gonna work. and you might, you know, decide to enter the relationship or take a break for such period of time that you are going to be a part or you might decide that you wanna give it a go because you value the relationship enough and you see a future worth investing in. And so you decide to do long distance for a period of time, or maybe it's even, you know, an open ended thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:37]:
But I think having clarity for yourself around what you are open to and what you would need in order for that to feel sustainable. And checking in regularly with yourself and with each other, so that you can keep taking a pulse on that on how am
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:52]:
I feeling? Is this working for me and not feeling like you need to justify that because, as I said, permission slip, it is really hard, and it's not for everyone. And if you are someone who's really, really anxious, It might just be too much for you, and and maybe that's okay. But having a level of honesty and self awareness, self responsibility around where are my limits and kind of tuning into yourself and going, is this working for me? I'm now gonna move to giving some tips on how to make this work if it's the situation that you are in or you are about to embark upon. And so these are really, you know, if you're in a long distance relationship, how can you stay connected and how can you make the most of the situation that you're in?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:44]:
The first one is kind of structural and, of course, and this won't be possible for everyone, but I really do think it helps if there is an end insight. So I think that for most people having indefinite, open ended, long distance is gonna be really challenging, and that makes sense. It's hard to know what your future looks like together if it is a serious relationship one that you're both serious about. It's hard to see how that is going to work in a way that's ever going to feel you know, structurally compatible if you are planning to live apart forever. Again, not everyone, and there will be people who make that work. but that's gonna be a small minority of people and for the vast majority of people, there's gonna wanna be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:33]:
So it might be, oh, for the next 12 months work means that we're gonna be in different cities. Absolutely fine. Right? you can kind of go into that with the mindset of this is gonna be a challenging period, but then there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think if you've just got, you know, month to month rolling, open ended, long distance, with no ability to really talk about the future or what happens on the other side of that, that can feel really stuck.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:55]:
And I think it can feel a bit overwhelming, and you might feel a bit powerless if that's the situation that you're in. So I think in an ideal world, there would be a an end date, at least a kind of broadly agreed or a theoretical end date to the long distance period. Short of that, And in addition to that, you know, even if you do have an end date, I think that having very regular plans to be together. So to see each other is a really good idea, and that makes it much more doable in the short term because you have something to look forward to. So say you've gotta be long distance for the next 18 months because of work, but you've got in the calendar every month or 6 weeks or whatever that you, you know, one of you will travel to the other or you'll both travel somewhere, but you have something to look forward to and the actual time apart is not gonna be that full, you know, 12 18 months or whatever period of time it is. you have these shorter horizons, these little milestone moments that you can really look forward to. And I think that in having that, you actually have an opportunity to plan that and to connect through your joint excitement to see each other. And you might take that as an opportunity to you know, plan a really exciting little trip together, or even if you're just visiting each other where you're living, making an occasion out of it so that it really does feel special and feels really connective when you do have that opportunity to come together. So having ideally a bookend at the, you know, the end in sight for the long distance, but also having those shorter horizons of when you're next gonna see each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:42]:
I think it's a really good idea.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:44]:
The next tip that I wanna give you is to create rituals connection. So, of course, I've just spoken about actually having time to come together and see each other and be in each other's company, which is really important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:56]:
But on a day-to-day basis, you are gonna need to find ways to feel connected to them, notwithstanding the distance. So that might mean, you know, a morning text every day or, you know, face timing while you're eating dinner or maybe you've watched a show together I've known friends in the past who are long distance, and they would, you know, watch the same movie on Netflix, and they'd FaceTime at the same time. So it feels like they were watching it together. or, you know, you might play, you know, an online game together or any number of things that can feel like there's this bond and this tether that keeps you feeling close to them despite the distance. I think that that's really important to have things that are little things. So you know, like a morning text, like everyday stuff, and then maybe bigger things. So maybe on Friday nights, you you know, have dinner and you cook the same recipe and you zoom or something. But having these things that feel like rituals that you both really prioritize and honor and look forward to and respect and cherish.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:00]:
That's gonna help both of you to feel not only connected, but prioritize. and, like, the relationship is being prioritized. And I think that that's really important as well. Sort of related to that is you need to find ways to feel involved in the other person's life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:27]:
So I remember when I was doing long distance, and this was probably 8 years ago now, I was studying on exchange in Singapore, My partner at the time was doing his masters in the UK. And so we were both, you know, we were obviously in different countries, but we were both away home, and we were both in these new environments, and we had all of these new friends, and it was all very exciting. but it meant that we didn't know any of the people that either of us were building these lives with, like, even though it was short term, my partner didn't know any of my new friends that I'd made, and I didn't know any of his. And so when we'd talk even though we were speaking regularly, we'd be talking about our day, and we didn't have any context for each other's lives. I didn't know the places that he was going on a day-to-day basis. And so it was all very high level in terms of what we were sharing with each other just because we didn't have that level of familiarity with the other's world because it was all very new. Now if you do know each other's world. So if one of you is, you know, if you're both home and you've been to each other's homes and you're hanging out with the same friends and going to the same places, that's gonna be easier because you have more context to understand you know, what they're up to and to feel like you're almost there through their descriptions and accounts of what they've been up to. But if there is some level of newness about the situation such that you don't have that context, you're gonna need to find ways to kind of really let each other in. And maybe that means giving more detail in storytelling than you otherwise would, because you don't have the luxury of that shorthand. of just, you know, I went to the cafe with, you know, these two people that you know really well, and I can tell you the story about them without having to give all of the backstory. I think that when we're a part and particularly, as I said, when there's a new environment, so if someone's gone and taken a job overseas, They're gonna have to really invest in getting you up to speed with who their new colleagues are and what the boss is like and what they do for lunch all of those things that will allow you to kind of have a picture and feel kind of involved in their life. Otherwise, it's really easy to just feel very connected and very far away. and, like, you don't really have much, you know, insight or connection with what your partner is up to and and where their life is at, and that can be a really hard feeling to be on either side of. Okay. And the last tip that I wanna give you for navigating long distance is this goes without saying, but communication is so important. So it's really normal to have you know, bumps in the road for the connection to ebb and flow when you're apart. And as I said, you just don't have the luxury of proximity, you know, to keep the tanks sort of from drying up. I think that just being around each other gives us, like, a base level of connection. And when we take that away, it's much easier for things to feel a little fractured or bumpy or disconnected. And so being able to bring that to each other and to share what we're feeling in a way that, you know, you're both really committed to making it work and finding ways to prioritize each of your needs, find solutions that work for both of you, that really needs to be a very clear and open channel of communication because I think that if you internalize that and you don't want to say anything because you don't want conflict while you're apart or, you know, you don't wanna jeopardize what time you do have to talk to them, talking about heavy things, all of that, I can totally understand. And at the same time, it's probably not going to help for you to be bottling up any concerns you have or feelings of loneliness or sadness or disconnect and you're much better off bringing those to your partner and finding some sort of way to navigate that that works for both of you. So don't shy away from being honest about how you're going and how you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:20]:
I think that is always important in relationships, but especially so, when you're in a season of being a part and really needing to go above and beyond in order to nurture that connect and that trust and that, you know, sense of togetherness despite the distance. So I really hope that that has been helpful for anyone who is in long distance, who is considering exploring long distance for whatever reason, or maybe if you've been in long-distance relationships in the past and, you know, you've felt bad about it not working or it feeling hard or wondered why you couldn't quite make it work. maybe this has given you a little more clarity in hindsight as to where you might have struggled and why.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:06]:
As always, I'm super grateful for anyone who can take a moment to leave a review or a rating. It really does help so much. share it with the people in your life. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys.
Speaker D [00:21:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five-star rating. It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
#100 How to Stop Taking Things So Personally
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
We’ll cover:
Why you might take things personally
The link between people pleasing and taking things personally
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is episode 100, very exciting, we are talking about how to stop taking things so personally. So this is something that I know a lot of people really struggle with. And I think there can be a tendency to be really hard on ourselves and to experience this taking things personally as something that's wrong with us, that we need to change about ourselves. Because that means we are overly weak or fragile or emotional in a way that we perceive as being wrong or in need of changing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:05]:
And so I'm going to share some thoughts on taking things personally, why we might do that, what might be the underlying drivers or wounds of that, and offer you some reframes so that you can maybe depersonalise people's behaviour. And depersonalise situations and prevent yourself from participating in that really unhelpful storytelling that so many of us do, where we make ourselves the centre of the universe and suffer as a result. But also some more nuanced shifts that allow you to hold both things to really honour what you're feeling in response to someone's behaviour, while not taking that additional step of adding to your suffering by making it all about you. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements, as I said, celebrating that this is episode 100 of the podcast. This podcast was launched in April of 2022 and has been released weekly with no breaks, I don't think, or maybe a quick break in January this year, but has been very much a labour of love for me each. Week to join with you in having these beautiful, important conversations. And it is a real honour for me to be able to help you on your journeys.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:23]:
I know there's so many of you on every corner of the planet. When you look at the stats for this show, it really is very wide reaching and I do feel incredibly lucky to be able to do this work. And so, so very grateful for all of your ongoing support in following the show. Subscribing, sharing, listening every week. It is very, very humbling. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for that. A second quick announcement is that I am holding a master class in a week or so. I'm just trying to do the math on when this episode will come out, but I'm holding a master class on building trust, so this is going to cover both self trust and relational trust.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:12]:
And again, you will have heard me speak about this whole piece around trust on the show in both of those contexts, building up our capacity to be discerning, to know what is right for us and to act in accordance with that, but also to navigate trust wounds in a relational context and rebuilding trust where that trust has been breached or broken. So it's a really important conversation and workshop and it has been a long time coming, but I've finally put it in the calendar, so if you're interested in that, do sign up. It's a live Zoom masterclass and there'll be a recording for anyone who can't join Live, so definitely cheque that out if that is something that interests you. Finally, just to share the featured review for today, which is this review is not only about Stephanie's podcast, but about her Healing anxious attachment programme that I took a couple months back. I was going through a breakup after five years of toxic relationship and if I had to choose one resource to help me at that point, it would be Stephanie's work. I'm in awe of the amount and depth of material this podcast and the programme complement each other so well. But if you can do just one, it won't be long before you notice a tremendous change in mindset and subsequently the quality of your life for the absolute better. I'm forever grateful.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:27]:
Stephanie, keep up the good work. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad that the podcast and the course has been a great support for you in that time and that you are blossoming into the next chapter as a result. So sending you lots of love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses and you can choose to come along to the building Trust Masterclass Live, rather than having one of the recorded Masterclasses if you so desire. Okay, all of that out of the way. Let's dive into this conversation around how to stop taking things so personally. So, as I said, this is a really common topic of conversation with people in my community, on social media, with clients, with students.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:12]:
It's definitely a recurring theme, but this particular episode was inspired by a question I got from someone on Instagram saying, how do I not take it so personally that someone ghosted me? And it really made me reflect, because while I think a lot of common advice would be just move on, write it off, don't worry about someone who ghosted you, they don't mean anything. I think in some respects that kind of bypasses the validity and the truth of the feelings, right? We can go straight to the rationalisation process of like, I shouldn't let this person who I don't even know affect me that way. But I think that to adopt that approach, actually, if anything, adds to those emotions, because it's kind of coming in with shame and saying, I shouldn't feel the way I do. And so, as I was reflecting, I thought to do a podcast episode on it, to unpack that a little and to add some nuance, as I foreshadowed in the introduction. And so whether it's Ghosting or whether it's you're in a relationship and you have a tendency to personalise your partner's behaviour, I know that I can still do this from time to time. Certainly that is my muscle memory is to personalise. If my partner is being moody or I perceive him as being impolite or abrasive or short tempered, it's really easy for me to make that about me and to get really indignant and go, how dare you? Don't speak to me like that. And to really fight back, even though his behaviour is really not about me and his emotional state is not about me, it's really easy for me to make it so and for me to tell myself the story that his emotional state or his mood is a personal attack on me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:08]:
And this is where the nuance is important, right? Because it's both. We're allowed to feel affected by things, and particularly if you're in a relationship. But frankly, even if you aren't, even if it is someone you're just dating or seeing casually, you are allowed to be affected by things. And it's not helpful to fight against the fact that you may or may not be affected by things emotionally and to just say like, oh, you just let it wash over you, it doesn't matter, it's just not being with reality. So I think that to acknowledge like, yeah, I'm affected by this. Another example that I got recently was someone saying how can I not take so personally when the guy I'm seeing has to work late and has to cancel on our plans? He always makes an effort to reschedule. And I know it's not about me, but I get really hurt and take it personally. And I think that again, it's like you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:05]:
But where we can come into a bit of trouble is where we then go, okay, this person had to cancel on me, or this person's in a bad mood, or even this person goes to me or this person rejected me. And we take that and we take the initial feeling of hurt or upset or disappointment and then we go that additional step and we make it a shame story. We go, it's because I am not good enough. It is because I am unworthy. It's because they're taking advantage of me, it's because they don't respect me. And that's where we get into trouble. That's the kind of taking things personally that we really want to watch. Because I think that is where our wounded parts, where the neuroticism in our mind will start to take us down a path that ultimately fuels whatever.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:56]:
That painful feeling is something that I teach in my breakup course higher love is to really want to actually be with those primary emotions, but try not to make them personalised emotions, try and stay with what I term situational emotions. Like, I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm frustrated with the situation, I have grief towards that, but I'm not going to let that become I'm feeling deeply ashamed and unworthy and making it about me in a really essential, fundamental sense. Because, again, that tends to be where we spiral and where we really internalise other people's behaviour as being about us. And I think that that is really where we struggle. So all of that to say, in this effort to not take things so personally, what we want to look at is what am I making this person's behaviour mean about me? And so for a lot of us, that will be in the vein of Unworthiness, that will be some sort of story that's traceable to Unworthiness. And oftentimes I think that that is coming from the same part that wants to people please or wants to make other people happy all the time, wants to be the peacekeeper, wants to work really hard to make the relationship perfect, wants to be in control all the time. And so to the extent that we don't succeed in that, whether there's a rupture or things don't go the way that we wanted them to, we feel like we've failed. And we then take that sense of failure as a personal failure and as meaning that if I've put all of this work into making you be a certain way towards me or trying to ensure the outcome that I want, that makes me feel good and safe in this relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:58]:
If that doesn't happen, then not only am I disappointed, but I feel like a failure. And I feel like there must be something wrong with me or I must fall short of the mark for you to be behaving in the way that you're behaving. Because I've put so much effort and energy into trying to control you and us and everything, the conditions surrounding our relationship to deliver the outcome that I wanted. Right? And so when we start to peel back the layers of this taking personally, we see that all of those tentacles that we've spoken about, a lot of control and fear and manipulation and people pleasing and striving and proving, all of those things are lurking underneath the surface. So it's usually not just I'm hurt by your behaviour, it's I'm making that mean that I am not good enough or I have failed in my mission to make you be or act or do what I wanted. And I think that that's really where it can go, to that next level. So rather than just beating yourself up and going, oh, I shouldn't take this so personally, oh, why am I so pathetic for being upset, this upset when they cancelled? Why am I crying? Because they cancelled dinner because they had to work late. What is wrong with me? I think we instead have to turn towards that with a level of curiosity and go, okay, what am I making this mean? What additional stories am I layering on top of the facts of the matter here? And how are those stories contributing to my heightened emotional state in response to this thing? To the extent that feels disproportionate to what's really going on.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:38]:
And I think that when we can venture down that path of compassionate self inquiry, all of a sudden, it's not adding shame into that. More shame, because often there's already shame, but more resistance, more criticism. I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Can you hold whatever it is you're feeling? Ah, I feel really hurt. I feel really let down. I feel really disappointed. I was really looking forward to that, or I was really excited about this person or any number of other things because this shows up in so many different situations. Someone's upset with me and I feel incredibly personally affronted by that because I feel like I made a mistake and that's really uncomfortable for me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:22]:
All of these things. When we start to scratch the surface a little, we can see what's actually there and when we can allow what's actually there to be there and try and stay with the primary experience of that rather than going to these secondary and tertiary stories and layers and meaning making, which is really where we hurt ourselves more. That's where we can start to heal these things and start to reframe and reprogram those beliefs and kind of coach ourselves and cheque those stories go, Is that actually true? Is that really what's happening here? Or is that a story I'm telling myself? And what might be another story, what might be another way of interpreting what's going on here? And how can I support myself in this experience to stay kind and loving and centred and to the extent that there is behaviour involved in a situation that really is hurtful that you really don't feel comfortable with or good about. Then again, as I've spoken to so many times on the show, it's not like you have to go down this path of self inquiry and then just make it your problem and never bring anything to the relationship. It's just that I think once we've metabolised our initial emotional responses and we've gone through that process of reflection and regulation, we can sort of sift through what's really there and get to the heart of it. And to the extent that there is something that needs to be brought to a partner to say, hey, yesterday when you said this or didn't do that, I felt really upset or disappointed or hurt. And I'd really appreciate if next time you'd consider or you'd be open to whatever, when you're coming at it with that energy of recognising what your history and your sensitivities might be bringing to the table while also holding firm on self advocacy and clear communication in a way that's not accusatory and attacking and blaming. It's not a raw, unfiltered, highly emotional version of what you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:51]:
That's really how we can make these changes. So it's not like, oh, I've just got to stop taking everything so personally because I'm too sensitive and I'm too emotional and I'm too needy. That's not going to help you or your relationship because all of those feelings are still there, but you're just trying to push against them and internalise them and bottle them up and I promise you they will come back with a vengeance. So rather than that, I think, tending to them and really being with those emotions, holding them and feeling the discomfort of them, but offering yourself, what do I need? Okay, what do I need in this moment? What conversations need to be had with my partner? How could we do things differently next time in a way that we can meet in the middle? I can get what I desire by way of love and support and connection and they can still be their own person. It doesn't have to veer into that realm of control and demand and accusation and blame. This is really the work of secure relating. It's not just making your stuff your sole problem. I think that that's, again, it can be a bit of a pendulum swing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:05]:
We go from hurling attacks and blame and hand grenades at each other to starting to do this work, and then we can internalise everything and go, oh, I think it's just me, and I'll spend the rest of my life in self analysis and trying to figure out all the answers without ever having to bother someone. I think, as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle ground where we can take responsibility for our part. We can go through those processes of self regulation and tending to ourselves first and foremost, but then still feeling like we can. And indeed, sometimes we should still be bringing things to a partner or a person because it doesn't have to be romantic, bringing things to the table and having conversations that allow for all of that to be there, but in a way that is really grounded and honest and open and loving and desiring a mutually beneficial solution. So I hope that that's been a helpful reframe on this whole experience of taking things personally and the tendency to beat ourselves up over that and maybe judge ourselves as being overly sensitive and recognising, that that can just add fuel to the fire, add more tension to your emotional landscape that's already under stress. So I do hope that that has been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful. If you can leave a comment on Spotify, leave a review on Apple podcasts or a rating.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:45]:
Share it with the people in your life. I do appreciate all of you so much. Thank you for 100 episodes of On Attachment, and I'll see you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:16]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.