"I'm feeling stuck in my relationship and don't know what to do."
In this Q&A episode, I'm speaking to the common conundrum of what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. This often happens when we've been trying for some time to make changes (or hoping that our partner will make changes), but we're just not seeing any progress. I'll share an unexpected way that you can shift out of low self-worth and hopelessness, and into a more empowered, self-confident state that will allow you to navigate whatever is happening in your relationship with clarity & trust.
In this Q&A episode, I'm speaking to the common conundrum of what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship.
This often happens when we've been trying for some time to make changes (or hoping that our partner will make changes), but we're just not seeing any progress. I'll share an unexpected way that you can shift out of low self-worth and hopelessness, and into a more empowered, self-confident state that will allow you to navigate whatever is happening in your relationship with clarity & trust.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:39.36
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A episode and I'm going to be talking about what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship.
0:00:39.54 → 0:01:19.26
So this isn't in response to any one question, but it's in response to a lot of questions that are a variation on this theme that I get all the time from people. How do I know whether to keep trying in my relationship? What do I do if my partner is not interested in working through things? What are my options and how do I overcome this feeling of overwhelm and maybe even hopelessness? If you feel like there are issues in your relationship that are unresolved and you maybe feel like you're out of options, or you feel like you've tried lots of things, or you kind of just feel like you're banging.
0:01:19.29 → 0:01:53.68
Your head up against a brick wall trying to get something to change, trying to get your partner to be more engaged maybe your voice needs. But you're not getting any traction or any kind of lasting, sustained change in the right direction. What we can do. And of course, that's a complicated conversation and it's not one that I can give you in a 15 minutes episode. It's not that I can give you the solution for every situation, but this is going to be particularly geared towards anxiously attached people.
0:01:54.53 → 0:02:26.21
And it's going to offer you almost an invitation or a challenge for you that will allow you to at least take some action for yourself that feels fruitful and rewarding irrespective of what's going on in your relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I get into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that early bird enrollment for healing anxious attachment closes tomorrow. So that means you've got just over 24 hours to get in at the reduced price, which is $100 cheaper than the regular price.
0:02:26.30 → 0:03:08.67
I've also just added an extended payment plan which allows you to pay for the course over six months and means that you can get started right away for just $80, so hoping that that makes it accessible for as many people as possible. And as I said, the early bird pricing ends tomorrow, so in about 24 hours from when this goes live. So if you are interested in the programme, please do cheque it out via the link in the show notes or by going straight to my website. Stephanierig.com, I would love to have you in the programme. I think at last count, there's 210 or so people who've already signed up in the past few days, which is amazing.
0:03:08.76 → 0:03:31.38
So I'd love to have you in there. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're looking to make some changes and get that support, you know where to find me. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is stephanie's podcast has been a true revelation for me. I've had so many AHA moments I've lost count. Stephanie delivers her knowledge and wisdom with such clarity, kindness and compassion.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:41.28
Listening to her feels like a soft hug every time. I'm so grateful to have discovered her in this podcast. Thank you. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:03:41.33 → 0:04:11.13
And I'm glad that you have the experience of feeling like you're getting a soft hug every time you listen. That's really nice to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this discussion around what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. So, as I said in the intro, this can encompass so many different things, right?
0:04:11.17 → 0:04:50.06
The content of the stuckness could be a vast array of situations and dynamics. But the common thread here that we're looking for is a sense of feeling. Like you've tried, feeling like you've expressed yourself, like you've asked for things, like you've had these conversations maybe several times, and you're just not seeing any kind of momentum or shifts relationally between you and your partner and you're feeling overwhelmed by that. And maybe to the point of questioning, is this ever going to get better? What more can I do?
0:04:50.51 → 0:05:23.57
And if it doesn't get better, how long do I wait to find out? And should I think about potentially ending this relationship? So this is a big conversation. Obviously it's pretty loaded and it's pretty heavy sometimes to be toying with those thoughts and emotions. And while I can't offer you, as I said, the answer in any kind of prescriptive way, because obviously it's deeply personal and contextual, my invitation for you or my challenge for you, if you are in this situation, is this.
0:05:23.64 → 0:05:58.84
And as I said, this is mainly for anxiously attached people for the next period of time. So maybe one month or three months. Become so focused on yourself. Now, that might be counterintuitive if you are relationally in this sticky, yucky place. And it's taking up so much of your time and energy thinking about the relationship, thinking about your partner, what they're doing or not doing, and being so scrutinising of their every move and looking at it through this lens of, is this in the right direction?
0:05:58.90 → 0:06:12.99
Are you taking action on the things that I wanted? Or are you ignoring my needs or whatever? We get so judgmental when we're in that place. I don't mean judgmental. I sort of mean that descriptively, right?
0:06:13.03 → 0:06:51.55
We are applying a lens of scrutiny to whatever's going on in our relationship when the stakes feel really high and when we're feeling really stuck because we start to look at everything through this lens of should I stay or go? Is this going to get better? It really infuses the relationship with a lot of tension and pressure. The reason that I said this is mainly advice for an anxiously attached person is not because it's not good advice generally. But I think when we overlay anxious attachment onto that sticky place, the tendency for an anxiously attached person is to just be so focused on the relationship and on the other person to the exclusion of all else and certainly to the exclusion of your own relationship with yourself.
0:06:51.70 → 0:07:48.11
And when things are not good in the relationship, that tends to really drag down your energy and your self esteem and your self worth. And that makes it really hard to be in a position to make a decision about the relationship, about what needs to happen next from an empowered place, because we tend to have this tussle between I'm not sure what to do about my relationship, but at the same time, my self worth is just getting chipped away at day by day. And that leaves me feeling really scarce and afraid about the idea of the relationship not working out. And so I'm likely to be making decisions and even having conversations from this place of very low self worth and that's probably not going to be conducive to making an aligned decision, which is really what is best for us. So again, this is not with a view to needing to end the relationship, but I really believe that the greatest gift you can give yourself is go.
0:07:48.15 → 0:08:41.31
Okay, I'm going to pivot my attention away from what's happening out there because as I said, anxious attachment, we tend to be very other focused, very outer focused, spending so much time ruminating over what they're thinking and feeling and doing that we lose ourselves in the process. And I think that it can be incredibly empowering in this situation to go, you know what, this is going to be about me for the next period of time. I'm going to focus on my own joy and my own fullness and my own expressiveness for myself, not as some sort of ploy to get their attention, not to make them feel threatened, not to manipulate them into not taking you for granted. It's not about them and that's really, really important here. This is about you.
0:08:41.35 → 0:09:07.90
And that is actually like the revolutionary thing for an anxious person. You're going to do things for you that are just about you that don't relate to the other person. So what does this look like? You might prioritise yourself a lot more in terms of what you do in a day. If you live with your partner and you're used to orbiting around their routine and their preferences and the things they want to eat and the things they want to do.
0:09:08.35 → 0:09:27.04
Just let go of that for a bit and go what do I want? What do I want to do with my time? Can I do things differently for myself? Can I take myself out for a meal? Can I start just spending more time alone and prioritising myself and my self?
0:09:27.09 → 0:10:01.98
Nourishment. In a way that infuses a new energy not only into me but into the relationship that really is a byproduct of it. And I've said this before on the podcast, but the really wonderful thing about doing something like this, about devoting that time to yourself in a really committed, dedicated way, is not only do you build up that relationship with yourself in a way that's probably quite new to you and very empowering and pays dividends for your self worth. But it also allows you to feel like no matter what happens, I'll be okay. Right?
0:10:02.11 → 0:11:13.07
No matter what happens in my relationship, whether my partner is able to meet my needs or meet me halfway or make the changes that we've talked about or whatever it is, right? Whether that happens or not doesn't have to be a comment on me and my worth and I can really rest in the knowing that it's not about me and I don't need to make it about me and I can kind of feel comfortable that no matter what happens I'll be okay. Because I've started to cultivate this really beautiful relationship with myself in a way that allows me to feel like I'll be okay because I'm creating a rich life that doesn't just orbit around my partner and my relationship. And I think that when we are in that pattern of orbiting around our partner and our relationship, the idea of that being taken away is incredibly destabilising and makes us feel like we'd just be spinning around in space, very lost and afraid. So the more that you can come back to your own centre of gravity and make your life more about you, that's going to be a very very powerful shift for you that you'd be surprised will likely have knock on effects for your relationship.
0:11:13.19 → 0:11:59.76
Although again, to emphasise you're not doing it for that purpose, you are doing it for you first and foremost. But I think the ripple effect of that in shifting relational stuckness can be really profound and even if it doesn't, you will be in such a better position to do whatever you need to do next from this place of greater selfhood, greater self knowing, greater self awareness, greater self esteem, all of those good things. The more you build up that sense of self and relationship with yourself, the better off you will be. So that may not be what you expected by way of advice when you started listening to what to do when you're feeling stuck in your relationship. Because as I said, the default thing as an anxious person is, how can I make them change?
0:11:59.89 → 0:12:26.34
Right? Oh, I'm feeling stuck because of all these things they're doing or not doing. How can I control them, essentially? How can I influence them to do what I want them to do so that I don't feel like this anymore? But as I said to someone the other day who asked me a version of this question, for me to give you that advice is just to reinforce the pattern that's to reinforce the old way that we're trying to shake, which is, I need to change them in order to feel safe.
0:12:26.40 → 0:12:56.13
I need to be in control of who they are and how they are. And that needs to look like what I want it to look like, because otherwise I feel out of control, and out of control feels unsafe. But that's not sustainable. That's not a sustainable or healthy way to be in relationship. And so the better way is, can I build up my own sense of self and trust that from that place I'll be much better able to navigate a relational dynamic that is balanced, that is reciprocal, and that is empowered.
0:12:56.47 → 0:13:27.88
So I hope that that has given you some food for thought, and if you're in that place that maybe you can set yourself this challenge of, okay, for the next month, I'm going to go all in on myself. I'm going to be so devoted to me and my life and making that very beautiful and rich and full in a way that isn't contingent upon what my relationship is doing. And even if it's just a month, just do it as a little experiment with yourself and see what happens. See what shifts within you. See what becomes possible from that place.
0:13:28.06 → 0:13:46.14
I'd love to hear from you. If you do do that and you notice anything, feel free to reach out to me and let me know. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify or a written review if you're on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much. And as I said, healing, anxious attachment.
0:13:46.28 → 0:14:00.44
24 ish hours to go until early bird ends. So if you've been on the fence, now is a really good time to hop off the fence and hop inside. I'd love to see you there. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you on the show next week. Thanks, guys.
0:14:02.09 → 0:14:24.14
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Reasons You're Not Getting Your Needs Met (& What to Do About It)
In this episode, we're talking all about needs - specifically, looking at some common reasons why you're not getting your needs met in a relationship. It's easy to feel defeated and hurt when our needs are going unmet, but oftentimes there's far more that's within our control than we might think.
In this episode, we're talking all about needs - specifically, looking at some common reasons why you're not getting your needs met in a relationship.
It's easy to feel defeated and hurt when our needs are going unmet, but oftentimes there's far more that's within our control than we might think.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of identifying your needs
how to communicate your needs to your partner
mindset blocks around receiving and how these stops you from getting what you need
what to do if your partner can't or won't meet you in your needs
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:31.41
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment.
0:00:31.57 → 0:00:56.33
Today's episode is all about needs, specifically five reasons that you're not getting your needs met and what to do about it or how to fix it. So we're going to be talking about some of the common blocks to getting our needs met, particularly in the context where we might be telling ourselves a story that our partner just doesn't care about us. They're not meeting our needs. Maybe we're incompatible. Maybe they're not interested in meeting our needs.
0:00:56.45 → 0:01:41.48
We can't ask them or there's no point. All of these stories that we can get really stuck in. And a lot of the time I find that those stories are happening behind the scenes and maybe we're not taking the steps we need to in our relationships in terms of putting ourselves out there, asking in a way that is supportive of us actually getting our needs met and conducive to us getting our needs met. So getting clear around what some of the blocks and the impediments to that might be. And I'm going to sort of step through them almost in like a ladder, so entry level, identifying your needs and then we'll kind of go from there and it almost becomes like a five step plan for getting those needs met as you go along in your relationship.
0:01:41.61 → 0:02:19.04
So we'll be starting at the first and perhaps most obvious reason that you might not be getting your needs met, which is that you don't know what they are. And then we'll be going a little bit deeper and more nuanced from there. So I do want to say at the outset that for the people who are going to say, oh, you're blaming me that my needs aren't getting met when really it's my partner's fault, that's not my intention at all. I mean, today or ever in my work is to lay blame on anyone. But as you know, if you are familiar with my approach, I think that the most helpful thing we can do is look honestly at our contribution and try to take responsibility and really control what we can control.
0:02:19.11 → 0:03:12.73
And when it comes to getting needs met, what we can control is knowing really well what our needs are, communicating them effectively, and all of the stuff that happens on our side. And it's really only once we've taken it as far as we can personally that we need to look at the other person's capacity, willingness, our compatibility, all of those things. So I think that the most supportive thing that you can do and the thing that really allows you to make peace with whatever is going on in your relationship, even if that ultimately means that there's an incompatibility or an unwillingness, it's much easier to make peace with that and let it go if that's what needs to happen. If you know that you really have done your best and taken it as far as you can. And so today we'll be focusing more on what you can do within yourself, the things that are within your control, and then going from there.
0:03:12.80 → 0:03:46.16
We will touch on what to do if there is a fundamental incompatibility or your partner is not willing to meet you in your needs. But that really is at the very end of the line. We don't want to be putting that first because I think oftentimes we can fall into this pattern of shifting blame and responsibility away from ourselves when it comes to needs. And I think that that can be really fed into by a lot of the content that we all see on social media around. You have to find someone who meets your needs, meet your needs, or that person can't meet your needs.
0:03:46.29 → 0:04:13.70
And I think it's important that we're talking about it, but we also want to be talking about it with a level of nuance. Because I think what can get forgotten in all of that poppy kind of discussion of this is that your partner has needs as well. And they are not a need meeting machine, nor are you. And there's much more negotiation that needs to happen there rather than just demanding that someone meet your needs. And if they can't, that means that they're bad and you need to leave them.
0:04:13.80 → 0:04:42.49
I don't think that that's a very emotionally mature or effective way to be in relationship. So that was a very long introduction to say we're going to be covering all of those things and more in today's episode. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. I am very delighted to share that Doors opened yesterday for early bird registration for Healing Anxious Attachment. The first 24 hours since doors opened, we've had 135 people, I believe, sign up, which is absolutely incredible.
0:04:42.67 → 0:05:21.66
I'm so excited for those people and I'm so excited to welcome more people over the next week or so while registrations open for this program, of which I'm so proud. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're wanting to do something about it and you're wanting some support in that process, I really, really encourage you to check out Healing Anxious Attachment. It's an eight week course. It's very comprehensive and really gives you everything that you need, distills down everything that I know and teach and have taken so many other people through and it really does work. So if you're interested, the link is in the show notes to check that out and sign up.
0:05:21.68→ 0:05:39.97
I would love to see you in there. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I feel like Stephanie somehow knows me better than I know myself. I'm amazed at how relatable everything she says is. I cannot get enough of this podcast. It's helping me navigate my relationships in ways I never thought to before, and it's helping me to understand myself better.
0:05:40.01 → 0:06:04.81
I'm recommending this to everyone. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad to hear that. I think that when you have that response of feeling like I know you better than you know yourself, really, it's just because I've had really similar experiences and I've worked with so many other people who've had those experiences too. So I think it is a nice feeling of knowing that we're not alone in that, and that is a really powerful part of the healing process.
0:06:04.93 → 0:06:35.59
So thank you for your review and your support. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around five reasons you're not getting your needs met and how to fix it. So the first reason is you don't know what your needs are. Now, I think that this is surprisingly common, or maybe not surprisingly common, but it is frighteningly common that we actually don't know what our needs are.
0:06:35.71 → 0:07:19.15
I think this is particularly true for people who are more anxiously attached, perhaps also fearful avoidant. There's just such a pattern of suppressing ourselves. We're so outer focused, so other focused, that the extent of our self awareness around our needs tends to be, I need to be connected to my partner and I need to make sure that everything's okay, and then I will be fine. Beyond that, I don't really know because that takes up so much of my field of vision and so much of my mental and emotional energy tending to that, making sure the connection is okay. And in this state of hyper vigilance around it, that I don't have bandwidth to consider anything else.
0:07:19.32 → 0:07:39.19
And I really do feel as though as long as we're okay, you're happy with me, we're spending time together, everything seems fine on that front. That's all I need, right? Unfortunately, that's not true. So as much as we might feel that way, that's actually not true. We do have needs beyond the need for connection.
0:07:39.24 → 0:08:15.57
It's just that when we're feeling insecure, that need for connection is so paramount and all encompassing that it kind of drowns out everything else. And when we've lived in that state for a very long time, the drowning out of everything else can get to a point where we really are quite disconnected from our other needs. So whenever I'm teaching about needs, the first step is always, can I get some clarity around what my needs are? Particularly if you are someone who has tended towards chronic over giving, chronic self sacrifice, chronic people pleasing to very extreme degrees. That is going to be the start of your work.
0:08:15.66 → 0:08:52.56
What are my needs? And you may have heard me talk about this before, a really nice neat shortcut to what are my needs? Is working back from what are the things that I complain about. So if I feel really triggered or agitated by you sitting on your phone while we're talking to each other, maybe I need and value presence, quality, time. If I feel resentful that I'm always doing things and I carry all of the mental load, maybe my need is around support and a sense of balance in the relationship.
0:08:52.74 → 0:09:53.83
So you can see how when we look at those things we can work our way back from it. What I'd layer on to that is that if you are more anxiously attached, there's a good chance that all of the examples that are going to come up to you can kind of trace back to some form of connection need. And so while that's still useful information, useful feedback, we do want to step outside of that and make sure that we are fleshing ourselves out as a full person with needs beyond just the relationship and really trying to figure out what our needs are outside of just that connection need. So that might be a need for a sense of purpose or a need for novelty and excitement and adventure, a need for challenge, a need for personal growth, a need for independence. I think that's one that is a really powerful growth edge for anxiously attached people because it's really easy to think that we don't need independence and we don't need time and space to ourselves.
0:09:53.99 → 0:10:39.33
But I think once you start to grow into that edge of spending more time figuring out who you are and doing that separate from a relationship, you come to realize that that is a need that you have. Maybe not to the degree of an avoidant person, but nevertheless we all have that need to have a carved out sense of self and it's incredibly nourishing to explore that space. So try to play around with that, sit with the question what are my needs? And can those needs not just be about getting some sort of reassurance or connection from a partner? Because when we distill all of our needs down to that, that's actually playing into the pattern rather than shifting away from it, right?
0:10:39.45 → 0:11:15.72
If all of the needs are just about the other person and needing to control them so that we feel safe in the relationship, then that's a good sign that we're actually repeating the pattern rather than shifting it. So the next reason you might not be getting your needs met is you do know what they are, but you aren't actually voicing them. So maybe you've gotten past that first step of just being totally disconnected from your needs and you do have a sense of what your needs are, but you're suppressing them for whatever reason. Now again, this is pretty common among those with some level of anxiety in their attachment pattern. So both anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment.
0:11:15.83 → 0:12:13.29
There tends to be this feeling that it isn't safe to express needs, that it isn't safe to ask for things, that it isn't safe to take up that space. On the anxious side that tends to be fueled by a fear of abandonment, a fear of being too much, a deep belief that we aren't lovable or worthy at our core. And so we have to try and be easy and low maintenance in order to not push someone away. Because if we are anything other than easy, if we're difficult, if we ask for something, then that's going to tip the scales in favor of this isn't worth it for me, for the other person and we're going to lose them. So what we have to do is abandon our own needs and tend to theirs in order to maintain the balance of the relationship, in order to maintain the status quo, in order to maintain that connection.
0:12:13.47 → 0:13:24.24
Now hopefully it is obvious to people listening that that's not a very sustainable strategy. I put out an instagram post a couple of days ago saying often it's our efforts at feigning low maintenance that ultimately drive us to behave in high maintenance ways. So the longer you try and suppress that and pretend not to have needs, then the more likely it is that those needs are going to climb up to the surface, scramble up to the surface and jump up and down and become very loud in a way that is not healthy. So that might come up as complaining, as accusing, as blaming, as nitpicking, as passive aggressiveness, all of these ways that the needs eventually spill out but they do so in really destructive and unhealthy ways that actually do push someone away. Thereby reinforcing the belief that it's not safe to have needs when really the problem was not that it wasn't safe to have needs, but that we tried so hard not to, that we actually self sabotage, so to speak, because the needs came out eventually but just in really unhealthy and shadowy ways.
0:13:24.85 → 0:14:03.00
So the solution there is not get better at suppressing my needs. The solution is, can I communicate those needs proactively safely, reasonably, rather than trying not to have them and then having this pendulum swing to really aggressive, high maintenance, panicked behaviors once we're at such a state of insecurity and stress and distress in our relationship that we actually just can't hold it in any longer. Because I think we all know that's not a very good strategy. It doesn't work, it doesn't get your needs met and it doesn't help you to build a healthy relationship. Okay?
0:14:03.05 → 0:14:17.72
So the next reason that you might not be getting your needs met is perhaps you are voicing them. Which is great, right? I don't want to discount this. I don't want to suggest that everything you try is still not enough and imperfect, and that's why it's your fault. That's really not the sentiment behind this.
0:14:17.82 → 0:15:14.60
As I said at the start, it's just trying to point out blind spots so that we don't become overwhelmed and exasperated and feel like the other person doesn't want to meet our needs. So sometimes, and I know I've been guilty of this and I see it all the time, we finally muster up the courage to voice a need, but we do it in quite a general way because that tends to be less vulnerable. So we might say something like, I want more quality time, or It's really important to me to feel connected to you, and I need you to prioritize that, or I need you to make me more of a priority. I need you to not work so much all of these things. And because we've had a lot of anxiety around voicing the need, we might not be articulating it in a way that makes it easy to receive for the other person and that actually provides the action or the solution that would help us to feel like the need was getting met.
0:15:14.67 → 0:15:40.32
So we might present the need more as a problem, rather than offering up kind of the action item with a level of specificity that really spells out to the other person, here's what I need from you, or Here is my request. Would you be open to doing that? This is an area where nonviolent communication, if that's a framework that you're familiar with, great. Lean on that. If it's not, definitely look it up.
0:15:40.34 → 0:16:11.55
There's a huge amount of online resources about it. But essentially here, rather than saying something like, I want you to put in more effort, which is totally valid, right? It's valid to desire that, but just don't assume that more effort means the same thing to you as it does to them, okay? Because oftentimes we have really, really different ideas of what that means. And again, it can feel like then we've asked for the need, and we've done this brave thing, and the other person isn't delivering on it.
0:16:11.59 → 0:16:48.26
And so we go, oh, they don't care, or they're not listening, or they don't respect me, or they're not invested in this when really they're trying, but just their efforts being directed in the wrong place or the wrong kind of action because you maybe weren't specific enough around what in particular would help you to feel that effort. What does effort mean to you? So to take this out of the abstract and give you an example, which I think would be a pretty common one, is I want more quality time with my partner. And so I say, I want more quality time, but to me, quality time means phones away. We're really connected.
0:16:48.29 → 0:17:01.01
We're paying attention to each other. We're talking in an engaged way, having meaningful conversation. It's not just boring, everyday, mundane, practical stuff. It feels really connective. That's what quality time means to me.
0:17:01.16 → 0:17:17.95
Maybe for my partner, quality time just means we're in each other's company. And so when I say I need more quality time from you, he might go, what do you mean? We spend so much time together. We eat every meal together and we watch TV together after dinner. How do you possibly want more quality time?
0:17:18.04 → 0:17:39.91
We spend so much time together. What are you talking about? Or even if we don't spend time together, he might go, oh, okay, she wants more quality time, and make an effort to spend more time in my company. But that to me might actually be more triggering because we're just sitting on the couch together on our phones. And that to me is reinforcing that we're not spending quality time together, whereas my partner thinks that that's exactly what we're doing.
0:17:40.00 → 0:18:27.91
So that for me is amplifying my internal distress and all of my stories around my needs not getting met, when really my partner is trying to do what he thinks I need. So if I had have been clearer at the outset saying, I'd really love for us to spend more quality time together without our phones, maybe we could have one night a week where we play a board game instead of watching TV. Or maybe my idea of quality time is that we go for a hike on a weekend or do some sort of activity, whatever it is, but get specific and do not assume that your partner knows what that thing means to you. Because it's one of those things that two reasonable people might have very different understandings. And it's not that one person's right or wrong, it is just open to interpretation.
0:18:28.04 → 0:19:03.22
And that means open to misunderstanding. So try and eliminate the likelihood of misunderstanding or at least reduce that likelihood by being very clear in your communication of what would help you to feel like that need was being met. Even though it might seem a little bit perfunctory or unromantic to have to spell out specifically, I would like it if you would organize for us to go out to dinner. That might be what effort looks like to you. That's the kind of thing that would make you feel like your partner is putting in effort that might not ever cross their mind.
0:19:03.27 → 0:19:18.62
And that doesn't mean that they don't love you and that doesn't mean that they're wrong or bad. It just means you had different ideas of what a thing meant. So so spell it out. And again, that might require you to go back to step one and go, what does this actually mean for me? What does effort mean?
0:19:18.67 → 0:20:05.04
What does connection mean? So getting really clear around that and then taking that additional brave step of articulating the request that goes alongside the need. Okay, so the next reason you might not be getting your needs met, and this is very much one for my anxious attaches, is you keep raising the bar and always feeling like it's not enough. So this is getting into some deeper emotional stuff. We've had some really beautiful conversations in my Homecoming Mastermind about this in the past few weeks is we can have this story that as much as we talk about wanting to get our needs met, there is often a part of us that doesn't feel like it counts or like it's enough if we've had to ask.
0:20:05.57 → 0:20:57.84
So, for example, I might ask my partner for more affection and really desperately want that, and that feels so important to me in order to feel loved and chosen and wanted. And then my partner goes, okay, she wants more affection and so later that day gives me an unsolicited hug or a kiss, but my anxious brain might go, he's only doing that because you ask it's not because he wants to. So your need to feel chosen and wanted isn't actually getting met because that action, which on the surface seems to be responding to the request, actually originated with me asking for it rather than them offering it or wanting it. And therefore it doesn't count. So that's a really common thing that our brain will do.
0:20:58.21 → 0:21:12.27
And it's amazing, right? And it's hard, right? Because on the one hand, I get it, I relate to it. We do want to feel chosen. We don't want to feel like our partner is duty bound to be loving towards us.
0:21:12.31 → 0:21:46.07
That that's not coming from a spontaneous expression of love on their part. And at the same time, I think we have to get really honest with ourselves around how hard we are making it for someone to meet us in our needs and desires. And I think a big piece of this that sits on your side, if this is something you can relate to, is difficulty receiving. So we have this sense of I can only receive if it's unsolicited because then I feel worthy of it because you wanted to do it. It's for you.
0:21:46.24 → 0:22:06.83
Right? I actually end up making the giving about you. If you've given me a gift or you've gone out of your way to do something for me and I didn't have to ask for it, then it feels valid. And I feel loved and chosen because I don't feel burdensome to you. Whereas as soon as I've asked for it, I feel like a burden, then I can't receive it and I push it away.
0:22:06.95 → 0:22:34.47
So again, there's a lot to this and there's probably a longer episode just in this one point. But in summary, I think the thing to reflect on here is am I taking an action which is my partner doing the thing I've asked for because they want to meet my needs? Right? It is important to them to meet my needs. That is a gift that they are giving me because they want me to feel loved.
0:22:34.60 → 0:23:12.04
And I'm somehow twisting that to mean it doesn't count. I am pushing away your loving act because I have decided it's invalid because I had to ask for it. Can you see how hard we're making it for ourselves and for our partners when we keep raising the bar like that and moving the goalposts? Not only does that not meet our own need and push away the thing that we're desiring, but it leaves our partner feeling confused and demoralized and like nothing they do is good enough and that is incredibly demotivating for them to continue trying. Right?
0:23:12.17 → 0:23:58.99
So if that's something you relate to, really reflect on it. Can I spend some time looking at my relationship to receiving? Can I find a way to trust that my partner wants to meet my needs and that that is something that they desire and the fact that I've had to guide them and steer them towards what that looks like doesn't have to invalidate the act and the love behind the act. Okay, so the last reason that you might not be getting your needs met and as I said at the start, it's kind of a ladder. And this final rung that I've very deliberately left to last is maybe your partner is unwilling and or unable to meet your needs.
0:23:59.16 → 0:24:25.41
Okay, so I've left this to last because we do want that to be the last resort. We do want to know that we've taken it as far as we can on our own and then it really is okay. Have I clearly identified the need? Have I expressed the need in a healthy, regulated way? Have I been specific about what that looks like and what would help me to feel like my need was met?
0:24:25.60 → 0:24:56.50
Have I done any work that I need to do? Mindset, emotional stuff around my ability to receive? And if I feel really comfortable with all of those things and my needs are still not getting met, then maybe there is something to look at in the other person's willingness or capacity. So that doesn't mean if you get to this point, it doesn't mean that you have to break up. As I said at the start, I think that we do tend to be a bit all or nothing and black and white about this stuff when the reality is your partner might not be able to meet all of your needs.
0:24:56.55 → 0:25:33.44
In fact, they won't be able to meet all of your needs and definitely not all the time. So it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. But if there is a need or a few needs that are core needs of yours that are non negotiable and that do sit inside the relationship arena and your partner has consistently shown disinterest or has kind of actively pushed back has said I'm not going to do that. Or you're asking too much, or you're needy, or whatever else, then that may be the point at which we go, okay, this isn't working. Right?
0:25:33.54 → 0:26:40.26
So we either need to make peace with not getting that need met in the relationship, depending on how important it is to you, or, as I said, if it's a non negotiable, if it's something that is really foundational to you feeling safe and secure in a relationship, and that's not a need that you can get met elsewhere, either by yourself or through other people, then that might be time to reflect on whether the relationship is going to work. So I hope that that's been helpful in fleshing out this conversation around needs, in pointing out some of our blind spots, some of the ways in which we might be contributing to our needs not being met. And hopefully given you some really clear steps both practically and from a more emotional mindset work kind of perspective on what you might be able to do, what steps you can take to get to know your needs better and really increase the chances of those being met in relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating if you're on Spotify, a written review, if you're on
0:26:40.28 → 0:26:51.58
Apple podcast, hugely helpful. And if you are interested in Healing Anxious Attachment, a reminder that the early bird enrollment is open for another couple of days and that allows you to save $100 on the sign up price.
0:26:51.63 → 0:27:00.98
So definitely check that out in the show notes if you're interested. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Thanks so much, everybody. Take care.
0:27:03.11 → 0:27:25.64
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on @stephanierigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"How should I bring up moving in together with my avoidant partner?"
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner. This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of how to bring up wanting to move in together with an avoidant partner.
This episode will be super helpful for anyone in this same situation, or who is otherwise wanting to have a "what are we?" type chat with their avoidant partner.
WHAT WE COVER:
mindset shifts for the anxious partner in approaching these conversations
how to own your desires and feel comfortable voicing them
how best to approach these conversations with an avoidant partner
what to do if you're not on the same page
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.33 → 0:00:40.17
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q&A episode and I'm answering the question, how to discuss moving in together with an avoidant partner.
0:00:40.35 → 0:01:22.01
So this is a question that I got via my Instagram stories last week, and I think it's going to be a really useful discussion, not only for people who are in that specific situation. There may be some listening, but it's going to illustrate a broader technique or approach that you can take in. Broaching those maybe sensitive discussions, maybe things that feel intimidating, that feel anxiety inducing. If you're wanting to discuss taking next steps in a relationship, having any sort of where is this going, what are we? Conversation with a partner who does lean towards avoidant attachment and so might have some resistance to those conversations.
0:01:22.11 → 0:02:25.73
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. I'm going to offer you some reframes on how to do the work behind the scenes for yourself going into that, so that you're not in this really constricted state of anxiety and worry and overthinking and trying to be perfect in the way that you discuss that, because I think that's the tendency. And I'll also give you some really practical tools and strategies in terms of the how to of having that conversation, of starting it, of actually going about navigating those discussions, depending on where it goes, so depending on their response, how you can respond to that, to really optimise your chances of not necessarily getting an outcome. I'm not going to tell you strategically how to broach that conversation in a way that's going to guarantee that you're going to move in together. I think that's unrealistic and unhelpful advice, but rather that you can go into it feeling self assured, feeling confident and trusting that no matter what happens, you'll be able to navigate it together and that ultimately you will have your own back and you will be okay.
0:02:25.82 → 0:02:49.43
So that's what we're talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Today is the last episode before doors open to healing anxious attachment on Tuesday. Next week my time, so that'll be late Monday. If you're in the Northern Hemisphere, as many of you are, unless you are brand new here, I'm sure you've heard me harping on about healing anxious attachment.
0:02:49.53 → 0:03:48.46
It is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, although you do get lifetime access to all of the modules. And it really does distil down everything that I know, both from personal experience and from working with over 700 people in this specific programme, and more than double that outside of the programme and it really brings together all of the components that you need. The knowledge, the insight, the self awareness, the mindset shifts, the practical tools, the nervous system regulation, all of those things come together to give you a really comprehensive programme that is going to help you repate, rebuild and relearn how to experience relationships in a safe way. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like you've tried everything, then I really, really encourage you to join the Waitlist in the Show notes that will allow you to access discounted pricing and first access when doors open next week.
0:03:48.48 → 0:04:20.60
And that is exclusive to the people on the waitlist. So make sure that you do jump on the waitlist if you're wanting to join the course or even just give yourself the option to join the course and save $100. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I've been very interested in attachment theory and I've toyed or halfheartedly tried to understand and apply it to my own relationship. I came across Stephanie's podcast during my research and it has brought to life my understanding of attachment theory and my own attachment style, as well as my partner's. Her advice and tips in the podcast are so invaluable and helpful.
0:04:20.66 → 0:04:36.61
She is that wise and realistic voice you need to hear to start healing. I look forward to her episodes every week to deepen that understanding and to continue my journey. I highly, highly recommend this podcast and all of Stephanie's resources. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:36.68 → 0:05:24.46
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how would I approach raising the discussion of moving in together with my partner who is avoidant? So I think the starting point, as I foreshadowed in the introduction to this episode, I think some of this is our work. If you're more anxious leaning and you're in this position or a similar situation whereby you want to raise one of those relationship progression conversations or clarifying what the relationship is and where it's going, there's definitely going to be some preparatory work on your part, because that's going to bring up a lot of stuff in you. A lot of fear, a lot of anxiety.
0:05:24.60 → 0:06:05.74
I think what can happen is we can be so convinced of how they're going to respond to something, what they're going to think and feel, that we have this anticipatory anxiety. We think we know how it's going to go before we've even taken the tiniest little step towards it. And so we're so braced for that outcome that our system is already gearing up to self protect in whatever way it knows how. So whether that's by being critical or by fawning or collapsing or dismissing ourselves or suppressing what it is we really want and feel. We have all of these strategies in our toolbox, and we're already so primed to have to lean on them.
0:06:05.79 → 0:06:28.86
And those strategies, while they can help us and they have helped us in the past, oftentimes when we zoom out a bit, we can see how they're blocking us from getting what we want. And that is particularly true in these kinds of vulnerable conversations. So I think a really important first step is to go, okay, here's my desire. I want to move in with my partner. Okay?
0:06:28.98 → 0:06:56.71
I need to not make myself wrong for that. I need to not cloak that in shame or oh, I'm being too needy, I'm being too clingy, I'm being too whatever. That's a perfectly legitimate thing to desire in your relationship. That doesn't mean that your partner is necessarily going to be on the same page as you and be ready to move at the same pace. But I think an important prerequisite to having this conversation is really being okay with the fact that that's your desire.
0:06:56.81 → 0:07:44.97
Because when you're insecure about the desire, then again, you're going to be really protective of it, and you're probably going to try and make them wrong for being different to you to the extent that they're not on the same page. So the more you can just stand firm and grounded and calm in the fact that you want to move in with your partner, which is a beautiful thing, then I think that that kind of softens your energy going into the conversation. At the same time, I think it is really important to understand that your partner may not be on the same page as you. And that doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love you, they're not committed to you, they don't care about you, that you love them more than they love you. I think we just need to really watch the meaning making processes that our brain will jump to so quickly in this kind of conversation.
0:07:45.02 → 0:08:16.17
Right? Because it's natural to be sensitive to rejection and to feel hurt if we're wanting to move forward and someone else isn't meeting us in that desire. But I think the more that we make that mean something about the relationship at a fundamental level, then the more likely we are to again come out with these protective strategies that might block us from having a productive conversation. So I think that something helpful to do is clarify for yourself, why is this important to me? Why do I want to move in together with my partner?
0:08:16.51 → 0:08:36.92
How important is it to me? What would that mean for us? What would be different if we live together? How would that impact me and our relationship? Just getting a little bit more clarity for yourself around the significance of this thing and why that is something that you desire so that you're better able to explain that to your partner.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:23.77
Again, open, vulnerable, not carrying a lot of emotional density and judgement and control, just sharing. I would really love this because of X-Y-Z and having that conversation. I think another really important tip is while you should clarify your thinking ahead of the conversation because I think it's really good to know broadly what you want to say and why it's important to you. Try not to be too rigid around scripting the perfect Oscar award winning speech and needing to deliver it in the perfect way so that you get the desired outcome. I get questions like this from anxious people all the time and it's how should I say this thing?
0:09:23.81 → 0:10:36.40
And I think people do kind of want a script. And while I understand that that can be helpful in feeling a little more prepared going into these conversations where otherwise you can spin out and get overwhelmed, I think the more we script it for ourselves and put that pressure on ourselves to almost perform perfectly, then not only do we rob ourselves of the opportunity to be open and curious and genuinely listen, rather than being really narrow in our expectation and our desire for where the conversation goes, we also then are creating the illusion that we're in control of where the conversation goes. And what that does is mean that if they don't respond the way we want, it's our fault because we didn't deliver it properly, because we didn't do our part properly. Whereas if you can go into it with the mindset of all I can do is honestly and vulnerably, share where I'm at and what I want, and then I can listen, and then I can respond and continue to let that unfold as it will, then it's much less on your shoulders to manage where the conversation goes and how it
0:10:36.42 → 0:10:44.31
goes. And I think again as more anxious leaning people, your tendency is going to be to want to take responsibility, to want to control.
0:10:44.51 → 0:11:27.94
And while that is a way that we try and keep ourselves safe again, it not only blocks us from getting what we want a lot of the time, but it then creates a lot of shame and inadequacy in the system. So with those mindset pieces out of the way and just to recap, those were things like get really clear about your desires, own those desires, feel comfortable with those desires and certainly don't go into it with any sense of shame or self judgement around the desires. Watch the meaning making. So don't preemptively go oh, if they say no, it's because they don't love me, it's because they don't care, it's because they're not committed to me. And also try not to be too perfectionistic and narrow minded about how the conversation has to go.
0:11:27.99 → 0:11:51.95
Try and be quite open. I want to now turn to giving you some specific tips strategies on how to actually go to that conversation. So I recorded an episode a couple of weeks ago around how to have hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So that's definitely a good one to revisit if you are in this situation. And those tips and tools will be really helpful here as well.
0:11:52.10 → 0:12:16.27
But the kinds of things you're going to be looking for be selective in your timing for this. Right. Again, find the middle ground. We don't want to be overly tiptoeing or walking on eggshells or feeling like we've got to find the perfect moment. But if you're really stressed and heightened, that's not a good time because your nervous system is going to be sending so much information to their nervous system that you're already going to be in this threatened state.
0:12:16.36 → 0:12:36.58
Both of you are going to be dysregulated going into that conversation and that is not what we want. So choose your moment, wait till you're grounded and don't ambush them with the conversation. Right. Particularly for an avoidant partner. They're not going to want anything where they feel suffocated or overwhelmed or backed into a corner.
0:12:36.69 → 0:13:20.02
So really asking for permission, hey, there's something I'd like to chat to you about. When would be a good time and if that's in a week or three, let it be when it will be. Obviously again with accountability and making sure you do actually get to have the conversation, but not in a way that feels like their backs up against the wall because that's going to put them on the defensive straight out of the caden. That is obviously not conducive to the kind of conversation we want to have here. I think the other thing is try and really be curious and open minded into what their position is rather than, as I said, attacking them or trying to control or manipulate them to the extent that they're not on the same page as you.
0:13:20.12 → 0:14:00.03
Try and actually hear what they're saying. Try and understand what their concerns are or their reservations are and be open to rather than just doubling down on your position and being forceful with that. Is there some middle ground that isn't just my way or your way, figuring out what that might look like and putting it to them, not just putting it on yourself to come up with the solution? Really collaboratively going, okay, what might this look like for us? Now, to give you a specific kind of example of how this might go, Because I think a lot of the time what will happen is anxious person wants to move in together, suggests that to avoidant partner.
0:14:00.08 → 0:14:53.22
Avoidant partner says, I don't think we're there yet because they might have reservations around, something like that because that's going to be a big deal for most avoidant people to give up their space, their independence, their autonomy, and to really merge with someone in quite a literal sense that's going to feel really edgy for them. So it will take them longer in most cases than it will take an anxious person to be ready for that. If that happens and they say, I don't think we're there yet, rather than being hurt and lashing out, could you potentially have sympathy for that and go, okay, fair enough. Can we revisit this in three months time or six months time? And if they say, oh, I don't really want to put a deadline on it, let's just see how we go, that's the point at which you can go, I hear you, and I understand that you don't want to feel controlled or pressured.
0:14:53.36 → 0:15:38.05
At the same time, it's really hard for me to just feel kind of open ended and like, I don't know where this is going. It doesn't have to be a decision we make right now, but it would be really helpful for me if we had some sort of structure around when we're going to revisit the conversation so it doesn't feel like this thing looming over us that I don't have any visibility over. So really asserting that need and going, I understand it doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be tomorrow, but it would be really supportive for me if we could agree to revisit this conversation in whatever period of time makes sense. So that is how you set a boundary, right? Again, I think so many people go, oh no, a boundary means I have to declare an ultimatum and say it's now or never, and do some big dramatic storm out.
0:15:38.17 → 0:16:11.51
No, the boundary can just be going, okay, I hear you, but here's my needs, so how can we meet in the middle? That is how you build healthy relationships based on trust and mutual respect. So I hope that that has been helpful in giving you not only the mindset stuff, but also some more practical tools and strategies. If you found this helpful again, I really do encourage you to sign up for Healing Anxious Attachment when it opens next week. Not only do you get eight modules of video lessons, workbooks, meditations from me, but we also have two live Q&A calls.
0:16:11.53 → 0:16:44.90
So you can come on live with me and bring questions like this or anything else that you're struggling with and get live coaching from me. So if that's something that appeals to you and you are looking to make some changes and get some support, I really, really do encourage you to join the waitlist and sign up to your Healing Anxious Attachment next week when doors open. And if you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful if you can, leave a five star rating. If you're listening on Spotify, leave a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it really does help so much, and I'm so grateful to all of you for your ongoing support of the podcast.
0:16:45.09 → 0:17:09.12
Thanks so much for joining me, everybody, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you're enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:17:09.18 --> 0:17:13.88
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
From Anxious to Secure: 6 Shifts You'll Notice As You Heal
In anticipation of the upcoming launch of my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment, today's episode is all about what changes you can expect as you heal your anxious attachment. I'll be sharing 6 shifts that you'll notice as you do the healing work and become more secure within yourself and in your relationships.
In anticipation of the upcoming launch of my signature program Healing Anxious Attachment, today's episode is all about what changes you can expect as you heal your anxious attachment.
I'll be sharing 6 shifts that you'll notice as you do the healing work and become more secure within yourself and in your relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
learning to observe your anxious thoughts rather than be ruled by them
not feeling the urgent need to fix and problem-solve your relationship
trusting that conflict isn't a matter of life or death
building your self-worth
learning to enjoy your own company
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:36.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is titled from Anxious to Secure Six Shifts.
0:00:36.72 → 0:01:15.85
You'll notice as you heal. So, as the title suggests, we're going to be talking about what that journey looks like as you start to heal your anxious attachment style and develop a more secure way of being in relationships. So what I'm going to share with you today is drawn not only from my personal experience of shifts I've noticed within myself and in my relationship as I have worked on my own anxious attachment over the years, but also the shifts that I consistently notice in the many, many hundreds of people that I've worked with in healing their anxious attachment. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:15.98 → 0:01:56.62
In keeping with the theme of today's episode, you will have heard me speaking about my signature programme, Healing Anxious Attachment, which is reopening for early bird enrollment in less than one week. For those of you already on the waitlist and I think there's almost 1200, which is amazing, you are all taken care of and you will get an email when doors open next week. If you aren't on the waitlist, but you're interested in the Healing Anxious Attachment programme, definitely join the waitlist. You can do so via the link in the show notes and that will ensure that you get first access next week as soon as doors open, and will also entitle you to save $100 on the course price. So definitely join the waitlist if you're at all interested.
0:01:56.75 → 0:02:24.10
And as I said, the link is in the show notes or you can go straight to my website, stephanierig.com and that should all be relatively straightforward and easy to find. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is this is the only podcast that I've listened to every single episode and have been able to relate to. I'm fearful avoidant attachment and lean anxious. This has made it extremely hard to maintain relationships. Stephanie's knowledge has taught me so many things about myself and I'm thankful every day that I found this podcast.
0:02:24.24 → 0:02:48.19
Thank you, Stephanie. There are no words that can express the gratitude I have for you and your work. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. Brought a big smile to my face and I'm so glad that you found my work and that you are getting so much out of it. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you.
0:02:48.31 → 0:03:13.88
Okay, so let's dive into these six shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. And I should say at the outset, a couple of things. This is far from an exhaustive list. As I was writing it. You might notice that usually I have five tips or five signs or five something, and I had to keep going and I thought of a 6th one and then I started thinking of 7th and 8th ones and then I had to just hold myself back.
0:03:14.01 → 0:03:43.63
In the interests of brevity for the podcast. So this is not an exhaustive list. These are just six of many shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. The other quick thing I should say at the outset, and this is particularly for people who might be new to the podcast, new to my work, or even new to attachment theory, a really important and foundational thing about all of this work, which makes it so powerful, is that healing is possible for everyone. I always get asked, is it really possible?
0:03:43.75 → 0:04:15.58
Is that really something that is achievable for people to not be anxious anymore, to become secure? And the way that I always answer that is, yes, it is possible for everyone to become more secure in their attachment. That doesn't mean that you'll never be anxious again. It's something that I still come up against from time to time, but it's no longer my whole experience, it's no longer my story, it's no longer something that I'm at the mercy of. So it really is something that you can unlearn and you can learn a new way of being.
0:04:15.63 → 0:04:56.39
And that is why I'm such a big advocate of this work and I really do believe in its efficacy. Okay, so let's dive into these six shifts that you'll notice as you heal your anxious attachment style. The first one is you're able to distance yourself from your anxious thoughts and stories in real time. So you're able to shift into more of a witnessing role and really observe your thoughts and stories in real time rather than experiencing them in this all consuming way. In this way that feels very true and then creates so much anxiety and stress in your system and spins you out of control.
0:04:56.59 → 0:05:29.43
So, again, this is true for not only anxious attachment. I think generally, as we do any kind of healing work, and certainly a lot of meditation and other spiritual practises are predicated on cultivating this skill of being able to witness ourselves in real time. And I think it certainly is, particularly for the anxious mind, the anxious system. It is a really powerful shift that you will notice because once you can stop yourself and go, wait a second, what am I making this mean? Is that necessarily true?
0:05:29.50 → 0:06:18.37
Do I have all the information? What are my choices in this moment? Do I need to spin out and start frantically trying to fix things or get back in control or get information or connect with someone or do whatever other fear driven thing my body would have me do. I can kind of interrupt the process much earlier and kind of coach myself out of it in a way that when you're at the earliest stages of your journey with anxious attachment, that can feel really out of reach, that ability to distance ourselves from the fear and the anxiety and shift into more of an observer role and really decide that, no, I'm going to act from a more grounded place. I'm going to look at this situation with a bird's eye view and I'm going to assess what's really happening.
0:06:18.49 → 0:07:19.96
I'm going to ask myself what I need and then I'm going to decide on the other side of that space and that process of self inquiry and that alone. Honestly, if that was the only shift you made, you'd be in such a better position than before you made that shift. Because it really is very powerful and transformative, not only for your relationships, in that it prevents you from lashing out or engaging in other activating strategies or protest behaviours that can be harmful to your relationship, but it's actually just so powerful for you in your own ability to calm yourself and your own ability to create safety for yourself and support yourself in those moments. Because again, before you go through the process of healing and when you don't have that tool, you can feel not only really stressed, panicky, afraid, but really alone, because you are not able to provide that safety for yourself. And so you feel terrified because it's like being a frightened child and no one's there to help you.
0:07:20.01 → 0:08:04.98
So that is the first shift that you'll notice as you heal. You're able to shift into that observer role and remain grounded. Even when anxiety is present, even when those fear stories come up, you're not at the mercy of them. Okay, the next shift that I've noticed, this is a big one, that I've really noticed in my relationship is I don't feel such a sense of urgency in terms of fixing and addressing everything. So if there is something that's bothering me, if something's happened, if my partner said something or done something, or not said something, or not done something, whatever it might be that stirred up some sort of an emotional response in me, I trust that we will address it at an appropriate time.
0:08:05.11 → 0:08:59.43
So, by contrast, before I had done a lot of this work and I'm sure a lot of people listening will relate to this, there's this sense of urgency around. We have to address everything now because it's not safe for there to be any sort of tension or disconnection or any other thing that could feel threatening to the relationship. And your fear will always tell you that everything is urgent and global and important and make or break, right? So as you start to heal, you trust in the relationship enough and in the connection you have with your partner that you don't need to kind of storm into the space of the relationship with this long list of here are all of the things that are wrong, and we need to fix them right now. Because I can't tolerate anything less than perfection in our relationship, in our connection.
0:08:59.51 → 0:09:27.58
And relatedly to this one, I would say your tendency to keep raising the bar all the time softens a bit. So this is something that anxiously attached people are notorious for this sense of okay, we need to do this thing in order for the relationship to be okay, we need to make this change or we need to fix that problem. And then as soon as that thing does get addressed, it's not enough. We need more. We move the carrot keeps dangling, we keep moving the goalposts all the time.
0:09:27.76 → 0:10:23.80
And the reason for that is often because we can't ever feel reassured. Because the thing that we're saying we need in order to be okay is not really the thing that we need. It goes so much deeper than that surface level thing that might be triggering us and so it will never feel like enough. Our ability to receive that reassurance is really impeded by the fact that we're not addressing the root cause of the problem there. So I think as you start to heal and as you start to reprogram some of these old patterns, you'll really notice that not only you don't have this urgent need to fix everything in terms of you can let things digest and settle and trust that when the time comes, you'll have a conversation, you'll work through it and you don't have such a strong bias towards everything that is wrong and feel this need to once one thing's.
0:10:23.83 → 0:11:02.14
Addressed. It's almost playing whack a mole with all of the things that are wrong in your relationship rather than just resting in a feeling of peace and contentedness. Okay, so the next one is that when there is a rupture, so if you do have a fight, if there is conflict in your relationship, it doesn't feel like life or death. Okay? So again, by contrast, I think for people who are in the thick of anxious attachment and again, this was certainly me, conflict feels really, really scary because for most of us, we have this sense of feeling like we're only ever one fight away from breaking up.
0:11:02.27 → 0:11:38.45
Even if that's not true, right? Even if there are no signs to suggest that in the relationship, even if there's no evidence to support the fact that you really are on the brink of the relationship ending. It feels like that because disconnection feels really, really unsafe to the point of almost feeling life threatening. And so because we've got this looming fear of abandonment that is always just there under the surface and driving so many of our fears and protective strategies and behaviour. As soon as there is conflict, there can be this sense of, oh no, this is it, this is where it all ends.
0:11:38.50 → 0:12:40.01
This is where you're going to leave me. And that really, again, interferes with our ability to have healthy conflict because we've got our fear goggles on, right? When we start to do the healing work and we start to learn new ways of experiencing conflict safely, of having hard conversations, of advocating for ourselves without getting really combative and antagonistic with a partner, we start to realise that conflict can be had safely, that not every rupture is a matter of life or death. We can zoom out and go, okay, I can hold in one hand the fact that I'm upset with you or you're upset with me over this thing and we still love each other and care about each other and we're committed to each other and everything's going to be okay, we're going to get through this. Our ability to hold both of those things is something that most anxious people need to learn, because as soon as we've got in one hand, you're upset with me, it's very, very hard for us to feel like everything else could still be okay.
0:12:40.13 → 0:13:10.58
And being able to hold both of those things as true is a really powerful and important shift that you will notice as you heal. Okay, so that's a nice segue into the next shift you'll notice, which is you're able to find your way to the healthy middle, the space of both and. So if you've not heard that expression before, both and, meaning the opposite of either or. And I think again, when we're in fear and insecurity, we live in the land of either or. It's either my needs or your needs.
0:13:10.68 → 0:13:55.15
It's inherently oppositional. There's so much competition built into it and we are operating from this place of threat and self protection, and that is the space of either or. When we start to become more secure, when we start to build our capacity, we realise that there are so many options in between the extremes of either or, of me versus you, and we start to recognise that both and is possible too. So what do I mean by that? To take it out of the abstract, an example might mean I can have compassion for you and I can have boundaries for myself rather than if I'm compassionate for you, that means that I'm making excuses for you when I lose myself.
0:13:55.24 → 0:14:14.11
That's the insecure version, right? The secure version is, I can have compassion for you. I can see that this is hard for you and I'm not going to lose myself in the process of feeling that empathy and compassion for you. I'm still going to advocate for myself. I can assert my needs while also respecting your needs.
0:14:14.26 → 0:14:27.40
We don't have to play in this zero sum game of either you get your needs met or I get mine met. Again, that is insecure lens. We go, okay, how do we both get our needs met? What's the compromise? What are the choices?
0:14:27.46 → 0:14:56.10
How could this look in a way that works for both of us so we find our way to this healthy middle. Okay, so the next shift that you will notice is you start to really believe in your own worth and value, both as a person and as a partner. Okay, this is huge. Again, you could take any one of these on their own and they would be hugely valuable to your life and relationships. But this one in particular, you start to actually believe that you have worth and value.
0:14:56.28 → 0:15:23.47
So a lot of anxiously attached people, I would probably say all anxiously attached people struggle with low self worth to some degree. And that low self worth drives a lot of relationship patterns and behaviours. Things like not expressing needs, things like not having boundaries, things like jealousy and comparison. All of this stuff comes from oh no, I don't believe that you could really love me for me. I don't believe that you could really value me.
0:15:23.59 → 0:16:03.18
So I people please or I over give, I overextend myself to try and earn your approval and your love and keep your approval and your love. Perfectionism is another great example of how that unworthiness drives unhealthy behaviours. We feel like we have to be perfect, otherwise someone's going to leave us. So as you start to do this work and you start to build up that self worth and that self respect, you go, wait a second, I have a lot to offer. I believe in my own worth, I believe that I deserve to have needs, I believe that I deserve to be cared for.
0:16:03.31 → 0:16:35.43
And that is such a powerful shift because it allows you to stand tall and stand firm in your relationships. Again, not from a place of aggression or self protection, but just from a place of self advocacy. And that's really the energy that you'll start to notice yourself embodying as you become more secure, this energy of self advocacy. And that is really such a beautiful shift to notice in yourself whether you're in a relationship or not. Okay, the last shift that I want to offer you is that you start to enjoy your own company more.
0:16:35.63 → 0:17:28.76
So a lot of anxiously attached people really struggle with being on their own. And particularly if they're in a relationship, they tend to be so consumed by thinking about the relationship all the time and being apart from their partner can be quite triggering, can stir up some level of stress response. Now, depending on the dynamic in the relationship and how much trust and stability is in the relationship, that might go from very low level anxiety all the way up to quite extreme anxiety when you're apart from your partner. But as you start to become more secure, you're less consumed by thinking about your relationship all the time, or even by dating. If you are dating rather than in a relationship, and you start to develop this really beautiful, comfortable, thriving relationship with yourself, you start exploring who am I, what do I like?
0:17:28.81 → 0:18:11.49
What do I like doing? You start prioritising yourself and figuring out how you want to live your life. Again, this isn't a reaction against being in a relationship. It's not to say that you can't enjoy the company of your partner or other people, but you're not dependent on it in order to feel safe, secure, fulfilled in your life. And you really start to build out the pillars of your life and diversify your energy so that you're not over indexed on your relationship or your dating prospects or that kind of domain, which for most anxiously attached people as a starting point, takes up 99% of their field of vision at any given time.
0:18:11.58 → 0:18:56.29
And as you would know, and as I certainly know, that gets really exhausting. So as you become more secure, you really do start to not only prioritise yourself, but really enjoy building that relationship with yourself and step into a more fully embodied, authentic version of who you are. And from that place so much becomes possible. It's amazing for me, my students and clients, it's not just the relationship stuff that changes it's I've quit my job and I'm starting my own business, or I got a promotion, or I'm travelling the world. All of these things become possible when we step away from fear and into a more authentic, secure, embodied version of ourselves.
0:18:56.37 → 0:19:31.07
So that is a really powerful shift that you'll notice as you become more secure and shift away from those old patterns of anxious attachment. Okay, so that was six shifts you'll notice as you heal. I really hope that that has been helpful and I hope that if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, I hope this has inspired you and given you a sense of what is possible for you and available to you if you do this work. Because I promise you, this is a transformation that I've experienced and that I have accompanied many, many people on. It is possible for you.
0:19:31.11 → 0:20:07.65
And as I said, I really hope that this has given you some cause for optimism and has inspired you to do the work. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you're ready to make a change and you'd like some support in doing that, do cheque out healing anxious attachment. My signature course, the Waitlist link is in the show notes and early bird enrollment opens in just six days time and I would love to see you there. Thank you so much for joining me, guys. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode.
0:20:07.75 → 0:20:29.94
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:20:30.07 --> 0:20:33.16
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"What's the difference between privacy and secrecy in relationships?"
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
In today's episode, we're talking about the difference between privacy and secrecy.
Depending on where you sit on the attachment spectrum, you may have a complicated relationship with privacy - both your own and others'. We'll discuss where the line is between privacy and secrecy, and what to do if you find other people's privacy uncomfortable or triggering.
WHAT WE COVER:
what's the difference between privacy and secrecy?
anxious attachment and the need for information to eliminate uncertainty
the trust wound
avoidant attachment and protectiveness around privacy
important caveats where there has been a known breach of trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:37.59
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the question of when does privacy become secrecy?
0:00:38.03 → 0:01:24.42
Where is the line between privacy and secrecy? How can we navigate this? And how can we probably become more comfortable with reasonable levels of privacy without experiencing privacy as secrecy? And I'm really talking to my anxiously attached listeners there because without giving too much away of what we're going to talk about today, I'm sure you can relate to feeling really uncomfortable with privacy and probably feeling like privacy is secrecy. So we're going to be talking about that, what the difference is between the two, how you can become more trusting of reasonable boundaries around privacy, and also some caveats to privacy versus secrecy when there has been a breach of trust.
0:01:24.55 → 0:01:51.40
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder again, that my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is opening up for early bird enrollment in about ten days for those on the waitlist. So if you're interested, definitely join the waitlist. That will ensure that you get notified when doors open and will also allow you to access the early bird price, which is exclusive to those on the waitlist.
0:01:51.46 → 0:02:26.66
So the link to that is in the show notes, if you're interested, and I definitely encourage you to cheque it out. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I discovered the On Attachment podcast a few weeks ago and I've been listening to it at every opportunity since. Stephanie's helped me understand why it feels like I spin out and why my self esteem plummets at certain times in my life and recognising these triggers has already helped me to self soothe and make choices to keep myself on track. The podcast has brought me closer to my partner and also, strangely, to my parents. It's allowed my parents and I to understand our dynamic as a family and to communicate and support one another better.
0:02:26.76 → 0:02:44.48
It's also helping my parents navigate their anxious avoidance cycle. I'm realising that my anxious attachment style has ruled my life and my emotions in so many ways since I was a kid. And I'm so looking forward to joining the next Healing Anxious Attachment course this month. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Thank you so much for that beautiful review.
0:02:44.61 → 0:03:02.74
That is so lovely to hear that not only you're having those experiences of growth and transformation, but that it's rippling out to the relationships in your life and your family and your parents. That's really, really amazing. And humbling. So thank you for sharing that. It's put a big smile on my face.
0:03:02.79 → 0:03:54.85
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes, which will be a nice supplement to the healing anxious attachment course if you do end up joining this month. Okay, so with that out of the way, let's dive into this conversation about privacy and secrecy. So as a starting point, I think we need to distinguish between what privacy is and what secrecy is. And while the specific content of privacy versus secrecy is likely to be contextually specific, I think it's useful to define them by reference to the energy or the intention behind it. And in my mind, privacy is my partner doesn't need to know about this, but they could, and it wouldn't be a problem, whereas secrecy is.
0:03:54.89 → 0:04:36.84
I have to make sure they don't find out about this, because if they did, it would be a problem. Okay, so secrecy has this quality of concealment. I have done something that is in breach of some boundary or agreement which is overt or implied in our relationship. I've done something in breach of that, and I've got to go about making sure my partner doesn't find out because there would be adverse consequences for our relationship if they were to find out. Whereas privacy is just I don't need to share every single thought, feeling, movement, everything I do in a day, everything I think and feel, I don't need to share that with my partner, and I don't need them to share that with me.
0:04:37.29 → 0:04:56.93
So that's the starting point, right? And it's really important to understand that privacy is a good thing. Privacy is important. Privacy is a feature or a byproduct of having healthy boundaries in a relationship. Where this gets really tricky is when we overlay attachment dynamics onto it, which is often the case, right?
0:04:57.02 → 0:06:00.17
We can have the base conversation and then we have the attachment overlay where it gets a little bit more complicated and charged. So on the anxious side, in my experience, privacy feels like secrecy because we have oftentimes a trust wound and we have this anxiety and we have this real struggle around uncertainty. And so our anxiety will tell us that the antidote to uncertainty is information, and gathering as much information as possible is going to alleviate the anxiety, and that's how we're going to get to safety. Unfortunately, what that means is someone else's reasonable privacy feels threatening to us, and that can lead us to be invasive and intrusive and do things like snoop or pry or ask probing questions of someone. And if you're in a relationship with someone who leans more avoidant, they're likely to have a really protective response to that.
0:06:00.21 → 0:06:51.80
Because if we walk around to the other side of the street and we look at how avoidant leaning people relate to privacy and secrecy. We know that for avoidant people a sense of self and clear autonomy and independence and not feeling controlled, that's really important to them, feeling safe in a relationship. So they're likely to lean heavily on privacy as their right, as something that they're entitled to, and they're likely to be very protective of that. So to the extent that their partner, who might be more anxious leaning, starts to push the boundaries of that because they're feeling anxious and their partner's privacy feels threatening to them, they're going to double down on that privacy. And really push them away, which is going to send alarm bells ringing for the anxious person going, oh, no, they're really hiding something because they're not just opening the kimono, so to speak.
0:06:51.98 → 0:07:37.05
So what do we do with that? I think that this is a much bigger conversation than I can get into in a short Q and A episode. But I think the essence of this one is if you are more anxious leaning and you notice that privacy is triggering for you, someone else having privacy, that's a good sign that you need to work on your own boundaries. Because I suppose the flip side of this is you're likely to not protect your own privacy very much. And I think that a lot of anxious people tend to be like an extreme open book, tend to over disclose, tend to offer everything up very early in a relationship because there's this story that to tell someone everything, that's how we build connection, right?
0:07:37.25 → 0:08:07.45
That if I just kind of disclose everything and tell you all of my secrets or whatever, if I just share everything with you, that's how I build connection with you. And so privacy is not something that you're likely to value so much for yourself. Which again, reinforces the fact that someone else's valuing of their privacy is offensive, is threatening, is hurtful, is them pushing you away, is them not wanting to connect with you. Okay? But we really need to recognise here what of that is our stuff.
0:08:07.64 → 0:08:55.12
And I'd say in that circumstance, when it is just healthy levels of privacy, there's no reason to be suspicious of anything of concern. I think that's our responsibility to get curious about, to increase our tolerance for that. And that's really our work around uncertainty and the ways that we try to manage uncertainty through control. Okay, so if you're more anxious leaning and you are nodding in self recognition here, that's your work, right, is to do the work around what's my relationship to uncertainty and control and vulnerability? Because I think a lot of the time, and this is an important point, we seek transparency, all the information, as a substitute for trust, right?
0:08:55.14 → 0:09:24.22
We tell ourselves that if we know everything, then we'll be able to decide whether or not to trust. And that really defeats the purpose of trust. It undermines the whole premise of trust, which involves an element of the unknown. It involves uncertainty, it involves vulnerability. So if the only reason you trust someone is because you are satisfied that you have gathered all the information that there is to know and there's nothing to lead you to believe that you shouldn't trust them, that's actually kind of missing the point.
0:09:24.27 → 0:09:46.72
That's not really trust, that's just control. And it's very flimsy because it commits you to having to keep gathering all of the information all the time in order to keep assessing whether or not you can trust. Okay? So that is your growth edge. If you're someone who does lean, more anxious or otherwise, but you know that you struggle with other people's privacy, that is really where your work is.
0:09:46.90 → 0:10:26.13
Now, the caveat to all of this is where there has been a known breach of trust in a relationship, an obvious example being infidelity in those circumstances, it may be reasonable to forego a level of privacy for a period of time while trust is rebuilt. So, for example, if your partner was caught doing something on their phone sexting with someone or was still on dating apps or something like that, and that was a breach of trust in your relationship? That was a breach? Of the boundaries of your relationship, then for a period of time after that, it may be reasonable for you to agree that they don't get privacy around their phone. Right?
0:10:26.17 → 0:11:33.46
That they have to sacrifice that and commit to a level of transparency, meaning actually volunteering information that would be more than regular levels of privacy would require in order to rebuild trust. And the onus really needs to be on them, on the person who has betrayed trust to give up those privileges for a period of time in order to go above and beyond to rebuild the trust. So I think that that's an important qualifier to this conversation around privacy. Trust and secrecy is that the starting point should be privacy, but where you've been given a valid reason to not trust in the safety of privacy, then that might be a conversation to be had and something to negotiate. And I really encourage you to probably seek out the support of a couple's therapist or someone who can be a neutral third party to help you manage that, because it can get really charged and highly emotional and can be really challenging to navigate on your own.
0:11:33.56 → 0:12:12.59
So I hope that that's been helpful for you in answering this question of what's the difference between privacy and secrecy? Where's the line between them and what's reasonable, what's healthy, what's unhealthy? And if you recognise that in yourself that healthy privacy feels unsafe for you, then that's a really good sign that there's some work to be done around the trust wound and your relationship to uncertainty and control. And that's very much fertile ground for self exploration. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a quick review if you're listening on Apple podcasts or a five star rating.
0:12:12.64 → 0:12:34.09
If you're listening on Spotify, it really does help so much. Otherwise, I will see you again next week. Thanks so much for joining me guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram, @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com.
0:12:34.21 → 0:12:43.34
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Ways to Support a Fearful Avoidant Partner
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style. The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
In today's episode, I'm sharing 5 ways to support a partner with a fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment style.
The fearful avoidant attachment style is often considered the most complex and challenging of the attachment styles, characterised by a conflicting push-pull between wanting intimacy and fearing it.
WHAT WE COVER:
the betrayal wound and the importance of honesty & openness in building trust
striking the right balance between compassion & firm boundaries
how to make the fearful avoidant feel loved & appreciated
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:38.09 → 0:01:20.06
So this episode has been much requested and has been a long time coming. I recorded a couple of episodes last year that were how to support an anxious partner and how to support an avoidant partner. But I never quite got around to doing a standalone episode for the fearful avoidant partner and I think it's fair to say that there are enough differences and points of distinction between fearful avoidant and a more classic dismissive avoidant attachment that it's very much worthy of its own episode to dive into those. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I'll say at the outset that this is very personal because I am in relationship with someone who has a fearful avoidant attachment style.
0:01:20.09 → 0:02:00.21
So this is very much drawn from personal experience and I have run these five tips past my partner, Joel, and had his sign off. So I've got my in house consultant on fearful avoidant attachment. So there you go. You can know when you're listening to this, that not only does it have that tick of approval, but it's also very much coming from the perspective of me and in my relationship, having found ways to navigate and create healthy, secure connection, despite those attachment, fears, insecurities and what could be described as quote unquote, problem behaviours. Although I don't really like that term, but you know what I mean.
0:02:00.36 → 0:02:41.50
Me, of course, having done a lot of work, but definitely leaning anxious in the way that I experience my own attachment fears and behaviours, and my partner very much being in that fearful avoiding camp, we've managed to overcome those starting points and build something really beautiful. So I give you these tips, not as a hypothetical, but really as almost an audit of what has worked really well for us. So I thought I'd share that, just to give a little bit of extra context and take it out of the abstract a bit. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that Healing Anxious Attachment, which is my Signature Course, is opening for enrollment in less than two weeks.
0:02:41.63 → 0:03:02.70
At the time of recording, there are over 900 people on the waitlist, which is amazing. I'm so touched to see how many people are interested in the course. For those who are new to the podcast and to my work, there are a lot of you recently. Healing anxious attachment is my signature course. It's an eight week programme, but you have lifetime access to all of the materials.
0:03:02.81 → 0:03:41.54
This will be the fourth time that I'm running it and it really distils down everything that I know, teach, have practised myself and have guided so many other people through in moving from anxious attachment to a more secure way of experiencing relationships. So it's a very powerful programme and I highly recommend jumping on that waitlist via the link in the show notes if you're interested. Being on the Waitlist will just ensure that you get first access when registration opens and you'll also save $100. So if you're interested, definitely join the Waitlist just to give yourself the option. One stores open in less than two weeks.
0:03:42.15 → 0:04:00.69
The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is are you listening to my thoughts? I swear, it's like Stephanie knows exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and what's happening in my relationship. I've never listened to a podcast, audiobook or read a book that is this in line with my headspace? Everything offered is so incredibly helpful to the anxious mindset. So glad I found this.
0:04:00.73 → 0:04:09.43
Thank you. Thank you for that review. I always laugh when people say that because I do hear it a lot. Are you inside my head? How do you know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling?
0:04:09.59 → 0:04:47.29
And the honest answer is because I have had the same thoughts and feelings most of the time when I'm giving examples, they're drawn from my own experience. So you can rest assured that I have been very much there in the trenches with you. And to the extent that it feels like I'm inside your head, it's really just because I'm inside my own and I 100% understand what it's like. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let's dive into five tips for supporting a fearful avoidant partner.
0:04:47.47 → 0:05:19.50
And just before I get into these five tips, I want to say that this is not about one person doing all of the heavy lifting in a relationship in terms of providing the emotional support, providing the stability, providing the regulation. Of course, we want to have a level of balance there. We want to have a level of investment and participation on both sides. And I know that the common complaint from anxious people is, why do I have to be the one supporting them? When are they going to support me?
0:05:19.68 → 0:06:01.48
I totally understand that. And as I mentioned earlier, this is one of a series of episodes. I do have episodes around what you can do as the partner to an anxious person to be more supportive. So it's not intended to suggest that it is your job to create safety for your partner, that it's your job to stabilise them, that it's your job to manage their emotional experience, their woundedness, their behaviour. It's not your job and at the same time, of course, in a relationship, we want to be supporting our partner and we want to be creating the space for them and us to grow and thrive together.
0:06:01.58 → 0:06:35.30
So it's one of those areas where both of the things can be true, it's not your job. And I would say that in a healthy relationship, we do want to be interested in the ways in which we can support our partner. With that being said, let's dive into these five tips. So the first tip that I want to offer you is this in your relationship with your fearful avoidant partner, prioritise honesty, openness and demonstrable trustworthiness whenever you can. So most fearful avoidant people have a strong betrayal wound.
0:06:35.44 → 0:07:15.35
Now, they might not have this in a conscious way, they might not say like, oh yeah, I've got a betrayal wound, I think everyone's going to betray me. But there does tend to be this sense of people can't be trusted and this real sense of guardedness and wariness around what it means to trust someone. So for a lot of fearful avoidant people, they will experience a resistance to that, a sense of if I trust you, you're going to hurt me. And if anything, the closer we get, the more power you have to hurt me. And so I'm even more wary of trusting the people that I really love and care about because of that power that they have to hurt me.
0:07:15.42 → 0:07:58.32
And that really stems from the origin story. For most fearful avoidant people is some sort of early environment where they were simultaneously drawn to and afraid of their primary caregivers. So I need you and I depend on you and I want to be close to you, but when I'm close to you, I feel like I can't trust in the safety of that connection and I need to pull away because I feel afraid. So there's this sense of the people who I'm closest to and who I love most and who I need are also the people with the power to hurt me most. So because of that, there is this real sense of guardedness.
0:07:58.46 → 0:08:39.02
And so in being the partner to someone with that wound, the way that you can be sensitive to it and to really support them, to heal that wound, is to be really honest and open and trustworthy by showing them, I have nothing to hide, I'm here, you can depend on me. And that's not going to be to your detriment to do that. I'm not trying to trick you, I'm not trying to betray you. And certainly to the extent that you show yourself to me or you depend on me, I'm not going to make you regret that, right? I'm not going to use that against you in any way.
0:08:39.12 → 0:09:26.32
I'm going to prove myself as being a safe space for you to be vulnerable and to really build that trust in both directions. So prioritising that honesty, openness and trustworthiness. And I would say kind of as a corollary to that, not being judgmental of them at all, really allowing them to let down their guard and be themselves will be really supportive and really healing for them. Okay, the next tip that I want to offer you is encourage your partner to voice their needs and boundaries proactively rather than reactively or once there's been some kind of rapture. So if you've been around for a while or you've gone back and listened to that episode around supporting an anxious partner, I gave a similar version of this.
0:09:26.45 → 0:10:02.42
So when it comes to needs and boundaries, this is an area where the fearful avoidant very much exhibits traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment. And they kind of pull from each and swing between extremes. So what I mean by that is initially a fearful avoidant person will typically suppress their needs, not voice their boundaries. Try and people, please try and make everyone happy. I don't want to upset anyone by asking for space, for example, oh, if I ask my partner for space, they're going to take it personally and they're going to get upset with me and I don't want to hurt them.
0:10:02.44 → 0:10:32.39
So I just won't ask for space. I'll just go with whatever they want, right? So that's the more typical anxious response of kind of fawning of deferring to the other person, of just going with the flow because I don't want to rock the boat. But what happens to the fearful avoidant is ultimately they reach boiling point and they get to this point where they really do need whatever it is they need. They need space, they need time to themselves, but they snap.
0:10:32.73 → 0:11:25.21
And so they then have this big response, and that snap tends to come out as a more avoidant response. So they might pull away, they might get angry, they might withdraw, they might try and leave the relationship, but it'll be this really big disproportionate response because they've been suppressing and suppressing and the volcano has been rumbling and then comes the eruption. Now, where that differs from an anxious person is that while anxious people tend to also suppress and then erupt, the eruption tends to be in an effort to connect. So it's this sense of, you don't even care about me, subtext, please care about me, please meet my needs, please see me, please listen to me. For the fearful avoidant, it tends to be you're trying to control me or you don't care about my needs and that's why I need to get away from you because you're not safe.
0:11:25.31 → 0:12:19.84
So you can see how they diverge in that respect and how the fearful avoidant leans on their more avoidant parts and their more avoidant strategies at the point of trigger. And that's when they pull away and have a big defensive and protective response. So all of that to say, if you as their partner, can really proactively, create a safe space and create a culture in your relationship where it is safe to talk about needs and boundaries and safe to express those and really honouring each other's needs and boundaries, then that is going to be really supportive for your partner. And again, that's going to help them in unlearning the old way, which can lead to really destructive behaviours and relearning something that's a bit more self responsible and conducive to healthy relationships. So what we wouldn't want to be doing here, for example, is making them feel bad for needing space.
0:12:19.99 → 0:12:51.15
Right? Again, I keep coming back to this example because it's definitely been one in my relationship. When we were first dating, my partner did feel really reluctant to voice his need for space because he was worried he would upset me. But what that would lead to is him not voicing his need for space but then reaching a point where he just had to take space but he wasn't communicating to me. And so I was left thinking that something was wrong because he was having this bigger reaction to the fact that he hadn't asked for what he needed.
0:12:51.35 → 0:13:28.34
And so it's almost like the part of him that really needed that space was just grabbing the wheel and driving the bus off a cliff because it felt ignored. And so we've now gotten to the point where we're able to talk about that and negotiate it and it's not threatening to either of us anymore. And that allows us to navigate our togetherness and our separateness in a way that meets both of our needs and that doesn't feel stressful or intimidating for us to talk about. Okay? So the next tip that I want to offer you is this find the middle ground between compassion and firm boundaries.
0:13:28.53 → 0:14:21.12
So this is really universal relationship advice. I've often talked about the need to toe that line between compassion for other people's pain and firm boundaries and accountability for poor behaviour. And nowhere is that more true than in this kind of relationship dynamic with someone who can have a lot of volatility, who can have a lot of reactivity, and who can engage in destructive behaviour. So what we want to do here is go, okay, I'm not going to make you into the villain, I'm not going to throw insults at you, I'm not going to say that there's something wrong with you. I can understand and have compassion for the inner turmoil that you're experiencing and how hard this is for you at the same time as having really clear boundaries around the kinds of behaviour that are not acceptable to me that don't work for me in relationship.
0:14:21.65 → 0:15:08.97
So an example of that might be if your partner does get triggered and pulls away and gives you the silent treatment for five days right, you can go, okay, I understand that you're in some sort of storm internally and that must be really hard and at the same time, that really doesn't work for me. That's not fair to me and it causes me a great deal of anxiety to feel like I can't reach you, to not know where we stand, for you to be refusing to engage with me. And so going forward, if we're going to be in this relationship, we need to find a better way of navigating that situation where you are really triggered that doesn't just leave me scrambling and alone and anxious. Right? So it's that combination, right.
0:15:09.01 → 0:15:30.96
I recognise that this is hard for you. I recognise that you might not be trying to hurt me, but that is the result of this behaviour and so we need to put some boundaries in place. So it really is that thing of can I have compassion for you without creating excuses for you? And as a side note, if you're more anxious, the boundaries piece is absolutely essential for you. And that will be your growth edge.
0:15:31.02 → 0:16:03.04
Because your tendency once you learn about their struggles and the things that are hard for them, your tendency is probably to overcompensate on the compassion and maybe let the boundaries go to go, oh, it's just because they are feeling this thing, or because they're scared of that or blah, blah, blah, right? Yes. We can absolutely have that empathy and compassion while also going, yeah, great, you're scared and this is how that makes me feel and that doesn't work for me. Right. We don't want to lose ourselves in the process of being compassionate and empathetic.
0:16:03.17 → 0:16:30.00
So have compassion while also holding onto those firm boundaries. That is both for you and for them. This is really important, okay. In my relationship, having those firm boundaries with my partner when there have been moments where he's engaged in behaviour that hasn't worked for me, that's been really important for me in not losing myself, right? In not, again, just suppressing my stuff in order to caretake for him or to accommodate his ups and downs.
0:16:30.06 → 0:17:07.22
But it's also been really, really important for him because it creates a level of accountability and there's actually a lot of trust and respect that is baked into a firm boundary, communicated with love, because it's saying, I'm here, I see you, I love you. And if we're going to make this work, here's what needs to happen, right? It is actually a commitment to making the relationship work rather than an effort to control someone or dictate to them how they have to behave or whatever else. Right? And having that firm loving boundary has been really helpful for my partner, in course, correcting him and going, okay, fair enough.
0:17:07.83 → 0:17:35.50
When I behave like that, that isn't fair to my partner. And I do love and care about this person and I don't want to jeopardise this. So it can kind of emerge as the voice of reason that brings the fearful avoidant back to centre and clarifies for them. What it is they really want and really encourages them to take responsibility in a way that feels safe. So the boundaries are for both of you and are really, really important in making this relationship work.
0:17:35.63 → 0:17:53.07
Okay, so the next tip is show that you recognise how much they care. Because they do. I mean, of course there's going to be individual variation. I can't speak for every single relationship and every single person, but on the whole, people with a fearful avoidance attachment style are deeply caring. They really are.
0:17:53.11 → 0:18:46.85
They're very emotional and they do care about the people they love so much. So when they're in relationship and they feel like they're being told all of the ways all the time that they're doing it wrong and that they're not enough or that they keep making mistakes, they keep hurting someone, they can feel really demoralised. And that really feeds into their inner critic, which typically is pretty relentless, their sense of guilt and shame, which runs rampant. And that can really lead them to pull away from a relationship and they pull away often from a place of I don't want to hurt this person, I see how much I'm hurting them. So they can have a lot of, as I said, that inner critic, that self blame, that sense of brokenness and defectiveness can be really profound for their fearful avoidant.
0:18:46.93 → 0:19:42.03
So what you can do as their partner to support them and to counteract some of that self criticism, that they tend to be pretty harsh on themselves, is really show that you recognise how much they care. Show that you recognise their effort, the ways that they show love, the ways that they show up for you, all of the things that you appreciate, admire, respect about them. Because I can tell you that internally, the scales are tipped so far in favour of all of the negatives and that will be irrespective of what you're doing. That will be their internal dialogue in 99% of cases. So if you can really lead with showing them how much you really care for, respect, admire, appreciate them, that's going to be really healing for them and will go a long way in helping with all the other stuff, right?
0:19:42.12 → 0:20:05.16
Cultivating trust, allowing them to feel safe, to voice needs and so on and so forth. So be proactive in voicing those things. Now, again, that's good relationship advice across the board, but it's certainly really important in this case. And last but not least, as much as possible, try to be patient with them. Now, I know that that might feel like unfair advice and I get that.
0:20:05.34 → 0:20:48.21
And that advice is 100% subject to the need to have firm boundaries, the need to create accountability, the need to advocate for yourself. I'm certainly not suggesting that your patience should mean making excuses for bad behaviour, for breaches of trust, for anything like that, but within reason, can you be patient with your partner? Can you understand how deep this stuff runs? Can you understand that when they are acting out, they are acting out from a place of visceral fear and that it will take time to repatten that and to rewire that and to rebuild that and learn new ways of being. So it's not something that's going to happen overnight.
0:20:48.26 → 0:21:39.62
It's not something that they can just flip a switch off the back of one conversation that you guys have about needs and boundaries and all of a sudden it's going to be fixed, right? If you've listened to my work for a while, you know that for you author them, this stuff runs deep. And it is, it's visceral, primal, fear based stuff and it's often not the domain of our rational brain. So giving them some grace and being patient while, as I said, still having boundaries and still creating accountability, but not saying, I told you not to storm out of the room when you get frustrated. Yes, of course, in an ideal world, we'd only have to have those conversations once, but again, within reason, I think we have to be understanding of the fact that it does take time to shift these things.
0:21:39.72 → 0:22:32.06
And the more that we can foster that change from a place of love and acceptance and care and respect, the more effective that's going to be. And I promise you that whatever frustration you have with your partner pales in comparison to the frustration they have with themselves. That is, again, I would say true in 99% of cases. For the fearful avoidant, they really are so hard on themselves. And so, as much as possible, if you can be patient, if you can show them that you're not going anywhere, that you're there for them, that you love them, you see them and you accept them, while also striving for growth together and separately, that will really pay dividends for your connection and your bond together.
0:22:32.51 → 0:23:01.72
So I hope that that's been helpful. Whether you're listening as someone in relationship with a fearful avoidant partner, whether you are fearful avoidant yourself and you might want to share this with a partner, or whether you're listening as a bystander, and it might just give you some food for thought in your own relationship. So, as always, I'd be super grateful if you could leave a five star rating or a review. It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Thanks guys.
0:23:03.21 → 0:23:25.76
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How to let go so I can actually move on?"
In this Q&A episode, we're talking all about moving on after a break-up. Specifically, what to do when we want to move on, but deep down we're still very much hoping our ex will reach out and want to rekindle.
In this Q&A episode, we're talking all about moving on after a break-up. Specifically, what to do when we want to move on, but deep down we're still very much hoping our ex will reach out and want to rekindle.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of allowing ourselves to feel our feelings after a break-up
why we don't need to emotionally let go before moving on
how to take action to support yourself after a break-up
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You can download my free guided meditation on finding closure & letting go here.
Join the waitlist for the next round of Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:00.90 → 0:00:38.67
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm answering the community question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back.
0:00:38.76 → 0:01:01.91
How do I let go so I can actually move on? This is a question that I get a lot variations on this. How do I actually let go of my ex? How do I stop thinking about them, ruminating on them, replaying it all in my mind, secretly hoping that they reach out, that they come back? How do I let go so that I can create the space to move on?
0:01:02.08 → 0:01:41.06
And so I'm going to be offering you some thoughts and some insights on that. If this is a situation you're in, or maybe you've been in in the past, or maybe you think you might be in the situation in the future, that's what today's episode is going to be all about. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder again, if you haven't already, to join the Waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature course, which is reopening for enrollment in a few weeks. It opens two to three times a year and is a really, really powerful programme for anyone who struggles with anxious attachment and is looking to try something new.
0:01:41.16 → 0:02:18.50
I know that a lot of anxiously attached people have usually tried a lot of things, but this programme has the tick of approval from over 700 people who've been through it in the last twelve months. So if you are wanting to cheque that out and you'd like to be on the waitlist, that will guarantee you first access and also an early bird discount. So jump on the waitlist via the show notes if that is of interest to you. The other quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is listening to each episode feels like sitting with a very dear, very wise friend. The content is spot on and delivered in a compassionate and nonjudgmental way.
0:02:18.55 → 0:02:33.81
Information is actionable and practical, in addition to being educational. My new favourite podcast. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so glad that you've been enjoying the podcast and I'm so glad that it feels like sitting with a friend. That's really nice feedback to hear.
0:02:33.90 → 0:03:04.19
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I can't help but hope that my ex will come back. How do I let go so I can actually move on? What I'd want to say to this at the outset is just give yourself permission to be where you're at. I think that so many of us get stuck in this pattern of how can I stop feeling the way I'm feeling?
0:03:04.24 → 0:03:41.26
How can I stop having the thoughts that I'm having? And that resistance towards what we're feeling and thinking is really, really counterproductive because it just adds fuel to the fire. It just adds more tension and stress and frustration to your system. And approaching yourself with this energy of self rejection and judgement and wrongness and shame is the last thing that you need when you're already in this process of grieving with all of the emotions that come with that. So the first and most important thing here is give yourself permission to grieve and to be where you're at.
0:03:41.36 → 0:04:37.51
I've said this many times before, but it's so important to calibrate our expectations around a breakup so that we can normalise things like missing our ex, wanting to speak to our ex, hoping that they'll come back. These are perfectly normal things to experience in the wake of a relationship ending. I think where we come unstuck is when we feel like we should just be fine and we should be over it and then we start judging our thoughts and feelings. So start by just giving yourself full permission to hope that your ex will come back, rather than feeling like you need to change that or eradicate that feeling and hope with that being said, we don't have to let that hope that our ex will come back guide our decisions. And again, I think this is a really common mistake is we go, oh, I'm feeling a thing, and therefore that means something very important and I have to act accordingly.
0:04:37.61 → 0:04:53.93
So that might look like, oh, I missed them. Therefore I have to reach out to them or I'm hoping that they'll come back. Therefore I can't take any steps to move on. And it's sort of embedded in the question here how to let go so I can move on. What I would say to you is flip that around.
0:04:54.08 → 0:05:47.94
How can I move on so that I can let go? I think so often we wait to feel a thing before we take action, whereas sometimes it's really in taking the action that we create the space for the feelings to follow. So rather than sitting there and waiting until you've let go, until you've gotten over your ex, before you can take steps towards moving on, my invitation to you is take the steps now, create the space, lead with action and allow your feelings to follow. Because otherwise we are ultimately allowing our lives to be governed by something completely outside of our control, which is the way we feel, because we can't really change our feelings, right? We can acknowledge our feelings, we can support ourselves, we can monitor the stories we're telling ourselves which might be exacerbating or intensifying or amplifying those feelings.
0:05:48.00 → 0:06:17.83
Things like sadness or loneliness or fear. We certainly can participate in those feelings in a way that might intensify them, but we can't just stop feeling fear. We can't just decide that we're not going to feel sad, but what we can do is go, okay, I acknowledge that I'm feeling sad. I'm acknowledging that I feel this hope or this longing. And I also know that that relationship has ended.
0:06:18.25 → 0:07:20.24
And I know that the self honouring thing to do is to focus on myself, to focus on rebuilding my life, on looking to the future and taking this experience and learning from it. So we have to be able to hold both of those things. We have to be able to hold the feelings and also kind of rise above them and shift into maybe a higher version of ourselves that gets to decide what happens next, gets to author the next chapter. Rather than sitting in the feelings and allowing them to consume us and allowing them to dictate the trajectory of our lives. So rather than waiting until you've stopped hoping before you move on, I would really encourage you to flip that on its head and look at what actions can I take today to move me in the direction that I want to be and trust that in time, I will feel ready.
0:07:20.42 → 0:08:00.05
Now, you might be wondering, what are we actually talking about? When I say take action, move on, that doesn't mean that you have to go out and start dating a bunch of people. And I would encourage you to take the time to process your breakup before you do that. Because if you've got a lot of unprocessed stuff and a lot of pain and a lot of wounding or whatever else that needs to be worked through, you don't just want to race into the next relationship because you're going to be carrying all of that stuff with you and you'll probably do a rinse and repeat. So by all means, take some time and space before going back into dating if that's what you feel you need.
0:08:00.17 → 0:08:40.37
But I suppose when I talk about moving on, it's moving on with your life. Rather than spinning around in obsessing about your ex and ruminating over your relationship and doing all of those things. It's like, how can I rebuild my life, making it about me? How can I envision what the next chapter looks like without that relationship in it and start getting really intentional about that rebuilding process. So moving on does not have to involve going and sleeping with a bunch of people or forcing yourself to go on dates before you feel ready, but rather just a level of intentionality around what do I want to create in my life in this next chapter?
0:08:40.71 → 0:09:00.24
So the idea of dating feels daunting and overwhelming and you have no interest in that. Don't do it. Just focus on yourself. And particularly if you are a more anxiously attached person. That is the growth edge in a breakup, and it is a powerful gift because your tendency is to focus on the other person and focus on the relationship.
0:09:00.42 → 0:09:33.95
So having the blank canvas of this is about me now and I get to figure out who I am and what I want my life to look like. That is really a powerful gift that comes with a breakup, so make the most of it. Turn over that page and figure out what you want it to look like. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, it's not about stopping the hoping, it's not about waiting for yourself to not want your ex to come back before you move on with your life.
0:09:34.07 → 0:10:24.80
It's about holding that and being honest with yourself and going, yeah, okay, a part of me is hoping that they'll come back and that's okay. I can hold that while also making a decision that is in service of who I am and what I want for my life what is in my higher good and taking steps towards that without shaming ourselves for feeling what we're feeling and just trusting that as we move through the process, as we support ourselves, as we resource ourselves, that we will come out the other side stronger. If you've recently gone through a breakup and you're in the thick of it, I have a free guided meditation on finding closure and letting go that has been downloaded thousands of times. I get a lot of beautiful messages from people saying how supportive it's been in helping them through their breakup. So if that's where you're at, definitely cheque that out.
0:10:24.85 → 0:10:43.32
That's a free download via the show Notes. I've also got a bunch of other podcast episodes on Breakup, so you can scroll back and find those again if that's where you're at and you're looking for some extra support, but otherwise sending you lots of love. Thanks for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
0:10:45.45 → 0:11:08.00
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
From the Honeymoon Period to Power Struggle: Navigating the Stages of a Relationship
In this episode, we're talking all about the stages of a relationship - specifically, what happens when we transition from the honeymoon period of a relationship (fuelled by chemistry, romance and infatuation) to the power struggle (where all our flaws and wounds come to the fore).
In this episode, we're talking all about the stages of a relationship - specifically, what happens when we transition from the honeymoon period of a relationship (fuelled by chemistry, romance and infatuation) to the power struggle (where all our flaws and wounds come to the fore).
WHAT WE COVER:
what each stage of a relationship looks like
why the transition from honeymoon period to power struggle feels like a bait & switch
how anxious-avoidant dynamics overlay onto this dynamic
how you can make the most of the power struggle stage & use it to grow closer as a couple
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:42.67 → 0:01:46.33
So there's been a lot of theorising books written on this concept of the stages of a relationship and while if you Google that, you'll get lots of different results, with some say five stages, others say seven stages, the names of the stages are different. It all kind of looks a little bit different depending on who you ask. But I think where there's more or less consensus is in the dynamics that usually characterise that initial stage. So chemistry and excitement and infatuation, followed by what can feel like this fall from grace into conflict and power struggle and competition, and what that can feel like, what it can bring up. And some things to bear in mind if you have been through this before, which almost everyone listening will have to varying degrees in some capacity, and how you can navigate this better, because, to put it bluntly, the power struggle stage of a relationship, which is what comes after this honeymoon period, will make or break you.
0:01:46.37 → 0:02:26.02
It's the period in which most couples break up because it is a time where we get really triggered, where we experience a lot of doubts and uncertainty and fear and all of those wounds start to get touched. So knowing how best to approach that period in a way that can allow you to get to know each other better, understand each other better, accept each other, and ultimately grow through that experience into something deeper and more connected and come out the other side stronger for it. That takes some awareness and some tools and some knowledge. So that's what today's episode is going to be all about. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
0:02:26.08 → 0:03:12.85
The first being you may have heard me mention in recent episodes that The Waitlist is now open for healing Anxious Attachment, which is my signature programme. There are, I think, about 750 of you on The Waitlist, which is pretty amazing in the past couple of weeks. Enrollment for that will be opening later this month and being on The Waitlist will entitle you to a discount and guarantee you first access when doors open. So if you're interested in that, if anxious attachment is something that you struggle with and you're wanting some support and resources in building healthier relationships both with yourself and with other people, definitely jump on The Waitlist, which is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I'm so grateful my husband found your podcast and shared it with me.
0:03:12.89 → 0:03:30.01
We finally found the reasons we've danced the way we have for the past 25 plus years. We've learned simple ways each of us can ease the burden of anxiety and combat the desire to avoid. Your information has made us a more stable and happy couple. We're so thankful for you and your podcast. Thank you for that beautiful review.
0:03:30.13 →0:04:10.68
It brings a big smile to my face to hear that you've had those insights and that you've been able to translate those into action in your relationship and feel closer and more connected as a result. That is really, really beautiful to hear. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around transitioning from the honeymoon period to the power struggle. So I want to first start the conversation by setting the scene a little and to preempt what I know will be the inevitable questions around how do I know what phase I'm in?
0:04:10.73 --> 0:04:46.09
And how long does each phase last? I'm not going to give you anything prescriptive on that. Again, if you Google it, you'll get a whole host of different answers. I think that focusing on the micro, on the details, the minutiae of like, oh, if we've been together for seven months but we're behaving in this way, what phase are we in? I would encourage you to let go of needing to pigeonhole yourselves and more, just engage with the overarching tone of these phases because I think that there is enough of a contrast in them that just substantively.
0:04:46.27 → 0:05:10.07
You should have a feel for where you're at. Now, the honeymoon period, which is also referred to as the romance stage or the Hollywood stage of a relationship, is that initial period where we're infatuated by our partner. There's the chemical rush. We can't stop thinking about them, we idealise them, we put them on a pedestal. There's this intense attraction, chemistry.
0:05:10.12 → 0:05:40.61
We can't keep our hands off each other. We want to talk to them all day, every day. We never want to be apart from them. And beyond that, something that's really important about this phase to realise is that our differences are really attractive and alluring, so the ways in which our partner is different to us increases our attraction for them. So, for example, if you're someone who's quite introverted or socially anxious and your partner is really charismatic and confident, then that's going to be super attractive.
0:05:40.66 → 0:06:10.65
In this honeymoon period, we have a very positive sheen on all of their traits and particularly the ways in which they differ from us. So the person who is spontaneous in this phase, if we're a bit more structured and routine driven, their spontaneity is going to be really attractive and we're going to be really drawn to it. And see it in a very positive light. I'll come back to why that's important. Shortly during this honeymoon period, we're also on our best behaviour.
0:06:10.78 → 0:06:43.39
So we are trying to get this person to like us, right? We are presenting all of our best traits and we are probably downplaying our more difficult side. We're probably not being very picky or demanding or speaking up about things. We're letting more things slide because we're leaning into all of this positivity in the relationship. And most importantly, most of our stuff isn't getting triggered in this early honeymoon stage.
0:06:43.73 → 0:07:48.29
Now, I'll say with the caveat there that particularly if you're more anxious, you might still be experiencing some anxiety and overthinking and ruminating in that honeymoon phase just because that's kind of the tendency, and particularly in early dating, that can happen. But for the most part, the honeymoon period is relatively free of conflict and triggers because we're just enjoying this chemically fueled bondedness to one another. Now, I think it's important to say there is nothing wrong with this. I think when we have terms like love bombing and trauma bond and all of that being thrown around on Instagram, we can get a bit overly paranoid that oh no, how do I know if my chemistry with this person is actually a red flag in disguise and we're actually trauma bonding to one another? If you're familiar with my work, you'd know that I try and steer clear of those terms because I think that they do more harm than good.
0:07:48.36 → 0:08:31.69
I think they put people on guard and on alert and make people very suspicious and wary of everything that they're doing. So I think that the starting point is the honeymoon period is pretty much universal. The vast majority of relationships will go through this initial period of chemistry and intensity and super attraction. And that is biological right, that is designed to facilitate this pair bonding thing that we do. What follows when that chemical rush inevitably wears off, and I'm sorry to say that it will inevitably wear off, is we enter what is called the power struggle stage.
0:08:31.85 → 0:09:30.21
Now, for a lot of, again, more anxious people, this point of transition, and it doesn't have to be an overnight thing, often it'll cross fade from one to the other. But this transition is extremely hard because everything that I've just described about the honeymoon period, the intensity and the romance and the extreme levels of effort and best behaviour and attention and affection, is pretty much exactly what anxiously attached people would love their relationships to be like 100% of the time. Forever and ever, till death do us part. It's a nice idea and I'm sure that we'd all love that, but it's also not realistic. And so I think because anxious people really relish in that period of that honeymoon energy and they feel like it is the best thing imaginable and they make so much meaning out of it, or we have such an incredible connection and they romanticise and idealise.
0:09:30.95 → 0:10:07.12
When they transition into the power struggle stage, it elicits a real panic. So let me just set the scene for what the power struggle stage usually entails. As the chemistry tapers off, we typically start to notice our partner as a whole, flawed, messy human. Okay? So whereas previously we were only noticing how wonderful they are and how amazing they are, and all the ways in which they're different to us are super attractive and complementary to how we are in this power struggle stage, we start to see their differences as threatening to us.
0:10:08.21 → 0:10:37.48
So the person whose spontaneity was exciting and attractive, all of a sudden we see that spontaneity as unreliability, or as them not being dependable or them being flaky. The person who we were drawn to the charisma of, all of a sudden we find them obnoxious. And so we start to see the other side of the coin. Or as those rose coloured glasses come off, we see things a little more holistically. We see the whole person.
0:10:37.85 → 0:11:11.40
And because we're not aware of the haze that we were in, we feel like there's been a bait and switch. We feel like this person has suddenly gone from being amazing, perfect, to having all of these flaws that they were actively concealing from us. And so that can feel really threatening, this sense of you're showing me your real self and you tricked me and you're actually this terrible person with all of these deficiencies. So a lot of conflict comes up here because this is not just an anxious thing. This is happening on both sides.
0:11:11.43 → 0:11:46.43
In virtually all relationships will go through some version of this where the sheen wears off and we start to get irritable, we start to get critical, we start to compete with one another, we start to attack and defend. We have our first conflicts and all of these triggers and wounds that exist for us relationally start to get activated. And so this can be a very high conflict time. Now, you may recall at the start of the episode I said that this is the period when most couples break up. And for some couples that happens after six months.
0:11:46.50 → 0:12:52.59
For others, they can spend a lifetime in the power struggle stage. And for whatever reason, socially, culturally, people can get married and live a whole marriage in the power struggle stage without ever resolving it and just triggering and reinforcing those wounds. So to make matters worse, or to add fuel to the fire, when we overlay attachment onto this base dynamic, as I said, some version of honeymoon followed by power struggle will likely exist in all relationships, even between two secure people, because it's just part of that life cycle or trajectory of a relationship as it matures. But when we have an anxious, avoidant kind of dynamic, one person being more anxious, the other being more avoidant, this power struggle stage can really be amplified. You might have listened to an episode I did a few weeks back, you may have listened to an episode I did recently on perfectionism in anxious avoidant relationships.
0:12:52.75 → 0:14:17.36
And I think that that can really come to the fore in this power struggle stage whereby the anxious person feels like they have to be perfect and to the extent that anything goes wrong in the relationship, it's because they've done something wrong. And so they need to frantically overwork to restore the connection, to return themselves to the former glory of the honeymoon period. And on the avoidance side, as their stuff starts to get triggered in this power struggle stage, as they start to see their partner as imperfect, they take those imperfections as a reason to leave the relationship, as a reason that the relationship is not good, is not working, is not right. And so they start to distance, they lean into that sense of judgement and criticism of a partner as a way to keep themselves safe from the vulnerability of progressing and doing the work, of navigating those wounds and those dynamics because it's vulnerable work. So what we see is the anxious person is intensely triggered by this transition from the honeymoon period to the power struggle stage and the tapering off of that initial intensity chemistry effort almost obsessiveness with each other, which is their ideal way of being in relationship.
0:14:18.29 → 0:14:58.77
Coupled with the transition to a power struggle stage where their partner is being potentially quite critical of them and making them feel like they have indeed done something wrong and that is the cause of the issues in the relationship. So it becomes this double edged sword. So what do we do with all of this? I think in a more macro sense, the honest answer is this power struggle stage is where the work of building healthy relationships has to take place for a lot of people. Where we need to learn about our wounds, where we need to understand our triggers, our projections, the stories we tell ourselves, the ways in which we participate in unhealthy dynamics in our relationship.
0:14:58.94 → 0:15:43.59
And doing that work is what will ultimately allow us to emerge through the power struggle into the subsequent stages of relationship, which for reference are stability, commitment and what's called the bliss phase in one particular framework, but really maturing into a deeper connection and commitment and sense of trust and safety and dependability. But most people don't get there and that's the honest truth. So knowing that this is a really important phase in your relationship and that it is an opportunity, right? As I said, the power struggle will make or break you. It is that simple.
0:15:43.79 → 0:16:32.02
So you can either use it as an opportunity to reenact and reinforce all your deepest wounds, to play out that script and that scene once again, and use it as evidence of everything that's wrong with you or with other people with relationships. Or you can use it as an opportunity to rewrite that script and do things differently and create a new version of relationship for yourself. So something that's really important in allowing you to approach it with that mindset of okay, this is an important phase of my relationship, rather than something to resist, is knowing that it's coming. So if you're in a new relationship, you're in that honeymoon period, or maybe you're between relationships at the moment, maybe you're in the power struggle stage right now. Know that it's completely normal.
0:16:32.08 → 0:17:19.36
Know that the honeymoon period will come to an end. Much as you'd like to resist that, that doesn't mean that the romance has to die out. It doesn't mean that you stop putting in effort that you settle for a lacklustre relationship. But just know that the tone and the character of your relationship will inevitably mature into something different and that's okay. See that as an opportunity to deepen your connection and nurture it, rather than scrambling to get back to what your relationship was at the start and feeling like your inability to return to that starting point is some sort of personal failing or I did something wrong or a reason to start from scratch with someone else and try and cling to it with the next person.
0:17:19.46 → 0:17:48.40
It's unrealistic. So just be aware of that and prepare yourself for the fact that that will come to an end. So enjoy it while it lasts, but also don't lament its evolution into something deeper. I think if you are more anxious in your attachment, that advice is really, really important for you. Don't personalise or internalise the end of that honeymoon period as meaning you've done something wrong.
0:17:48.45 → 0:18:55.76
Because as soon as you're in that mindset of, oh, no, they've lost interest in me, they've lost attraction to me, panic, they're going to leave me, they're going to stop loving me. As soon as you're in that place where you're in fear and anxiety, you're going to start trying to control and grip and reach them and over function and overwork and over give and shapeshift and do all of those things to try and alleviate that fear and anxiety that you're experiencing. And I promise you that will only make it worse. So as much as possible, taking responsibility for that and taking responsibility for learning to self regulate, for doing this work so that you're not in this state of desperation and panic and fear, that tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy on the avoidance side. If you're listening to this, your impulse will probably be to pull away in that power struggle stage because your starting point is valuing harmony in relationships and feeling like anything short of harmony makes you feel like a failure or just makes relationships feel not worth it.
0:18:55.78 → 0:19:47.04
It tips the balance in favour of this is not worth it for me because I'm pretty comfortable being on my own so as soon as it gets hard, it ceases to feel worth my energy. As tempting as it is to go there, just know that that's not the relationship, that is all relationships. And if you do want to be in relationship for the long term, if you want partnership in your life, you will have to stay in that discomfort sooner or later. You can run, you can withdraw, you can pull away, but you'll be doing this again in six or twelve months or whenever you next go down this road. So you can do the work now or do it later, but you will have to do the work at some point if you want to be in healthy, secure, lasting, nourishing relationship.
0:19:47.22 → 0:20:59.58
So that's your growth edge as a more avoidant person is turning towards the discomfort of doing the work and being vulnerable and persisting through the mess and the conflict and the triggers and allowing yourself to grow through that rather than turning away from it and retreating to your comfort zone of isolation and aloneness. So I hope that that has been an interesting discussion, that it's been helpful for you, that you've learned something. And no matter where you're at at the moment, whether you're single, whether you're dating, whether you're in a relationship, really normalising these seasons and these changes in our relationship and cultivating more of an acceptance around that and an appreciation for the gifts and the opportunities that each seasonal stage offers us. Again, it lessens that resistance that we can have and that desire to control and allows us to really grow through those things and make the most of where we're at in our relationships. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating if you're listening on Spotify or Apple and leaving a review.
0:20:59.63 → 0:21:22.17
If you are listening on Apple podcasts, it is a super helpful way of continuing to grow the podcast and get the word out. And I'm so appreciative of your support and all of the beautiful reviews. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Thanks so much guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:21:22.27 → 0:21:41.76
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephaniergig.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. I hope to see you again soon.
“I’m anxious, he’s avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?”
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
In this episode, I'm answering the question of "I'm anxious, he's avoidant. Is it weird that I want more sex than him?"
WHAT WE COVER:
anxious-avoidant sexual dynamics
the sexual honeymoon period and what happens afterward
why avoidant partners withdraw sexually
how anxiously attached people use sex for validation
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:37.36 → 0:01:03.07
Is it weird that I want more sex than him? So this is something that I get asked a lot, and I have touched on this dynamic before on the show, but given the frequency with which I get variations on this question, I think it's important to devote a whole episode to unpacking it. And spoiler alert, it's not weird at all. This dynamic is actually extremely common. I would say more common than not.
0:01:03.19 → 0:01:53.61
So if you are someone in an anxious avoidant relationship and you have noticed a mismatch in Libido that looks like the anxious partner wanting sex a lot more than the avoidant partner does, rest assured, you're not alone. It's actually very, very common. So I'm hoping that in today's episode, I can unpack for you why that's not weird, why it actually makes a lot of sense, and what the drivers are of that dynamic and how you can work with it rather than exacerbating it. Because I think most people, without the knowledge and awareness of what's going on, will personalise this dynamic and act out from a place of hurt and make it a lot worse. And that can be really challenging because we get stuck there.
0:01:53.65 → 0:02:17.73
So that's what we're talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just another reminder that the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment is open, as at the time of recording, there are over 500 people already on the waitlist, which is amazing for anyone who's new around here, and I know there are a lot of you who are new. Healing anxious attachment is my signature programme. It's an eight week course.
0:02:17.93 → 0:02:50.63
I run it a couple of times a year and being on the waitlist is a no obligation thing. It's just that you'll get notified first when doors open and you'll also access discounted pricing for enrollment, so definitely cheque that out. If you're keen to know more, the link is in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is my only complaint is there aren't more episodes. I wish I found this podcast earlier, as it would have certainly healed a lot of past hurt a lot quicker.
0:02:50.73 → 0:03:02.18
I've never felt so heard and seen by a podcast. I think there's a lot of solace in knowing I'm not alone with my thoughts and behaviours now. Healing those. Thanks to unattachment. Thank you so much for your beautiful review.
0:03:02.23 → 0:03:40.60
I'm so pleased that you feel so heard and seen by what I share here. I think that, as you say, there is a lot of solace in knowing that you're not alone and that there's another way available to you. So I'm glad that's been your experience. If that was your review, if you could please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And if you want the chance to have your review read out and to get a freebie if you just leave a review on Apple podcasts unfortunately, it's only Apple podcasts that qualifies, as the other platforms don't allow for reviews.
0:03:40.71 → 0:04:00.12
But if you leave a review on Apple podcasts, I select one at random for each episode with two episodes a week. That means you've got two chances each week to be selected. And for anyone who has left a review whose review I haven't read out, please know that I read every single one of them. And I am so appreciative of you and your support. So thank you.
0:04:00.57 → 0:04:31.09
So let's look at how this usually plays out. Here's what I see time and time and time again. And to be very frank with you, I've experienced it myself, so I get it. At the beginning of an anxious avoidant relationship, you'll usually have a lot of sexual intensity. So you're going to have lots of chemistry, connection, passion, fireworks, hunger, lust, infatuation all of that sense of I can't get enough of you.
0:04:31.24 → 0:05:03.32
And that's kind of in all respects, but particularly sexually. And that feels really good for both people. The anxious person loves the feeling of being wanted and chosen and desired. That's like balm to the soul of the anxious partner. And the avoidant person gets a lot out of that too, because it's fun and they feel wanted and they feel desired and they feel successful, and they get all of the upside of the juiciness of that honeymoon period before their triggers set in.
0:05:03.42 → 0:05:39.81
So on both sides, that initial period is really exhilarating and rewarding. What tends to happen is that as the relationship becomes more serious, that could be anywhere from a month in to six months in to a year in, just depending on the arc of your particular relationship. As things become more serious, as that initial chemical rush tapers off, what will typically happen is the avoidant partner starts to pull away sexually. So they might have less interest in having sex. They might initiate sex less, they might just be less engaged in sex.
0:05:39.94 → 0:06:25.75
They might experience performance anxiety or other performance related challenges sexually. And so there are these really noticeable drop offs in their interest level in sex. And for the anxious partner, that sends the alarm bells ringing big time. Because not only did that initial period of sexual intensity feel really good for the anxious person, but the anxious person has a tendency to make it mean something that the avoidant person doesn't in other words, for the anxious partner, it's like, oh, we have this incredible sexual chemistry. That means that we have an incredible connection, that means that we're meant to be together, that means that I've never felt anything like this before, therefore you're the one.
0:06:25.90 → 0:06:45.93
This is serious, this is it. And that is all very exciting for the anxious person. So they get very attached as a result of that sexual intensity. When that sexual intensity shifts and all of a sudden is a little lacking, the anxious person internalises that and starts to panic, go, what have I done? I've done something wrong.
0:06:45.97 → 0:07:27.93
They're losing interest in me, they must not be attracted to me. Maybe they liked me at the beginning, but then I didn't perform well enough for them sexually and so they're no longer interested in having sex with me for that reason, I didn't do a good enough job. The anxious person's tendency to make everything about their failings and their unworthiness and their not good enoughness, very much bubbles to the surface here. And so the anxious person will typically test. So they'll notice this thing, they'll start to panic in their head and tell themselves the story and then they'll start to try and gather evidence and go, okay, is this just in my head or is it real?
0:07:28.00 → 0:08:19.08
Is this legit? And so what do they do? They'll maybe start to be more flirtatious with their partner or try to initiate sex more, try to seduce them or be more affectionate, try and hug and kiss them, all of those things to gauge the response, to see, are they really pulling away or am I making this up? And the avoidant person, possibly without realising it, receives all of that intensity, anxiety, escalated energy around sex as pressure, and so they're likely to respond to that by withdrawing further, which cements the anxious person's read of the situation as they've lost interest in me sexually. And for the anxious person, it's a very short walk from they've lost interest in me sexually to they're going to leave me, they don't want me anymore, I'm no longer useful to them.
0:08:19.21 → 0:09:24.07
Whatever connection we had is slipping away from me and I feel really out of control and panicked and like I've done something but I don't know what. So, as you can probably imagine, and I'm sure a lot of you listening have experienced this, and as I said, so have I, so I get it. And it's really challenging because as much as we can intellectually understand that that might not be about us, that might be about their intimacy fears, that might be about their inability to combine sex and love without feeling intensely, vulnerable in a way that leads their system to go into shutdown and protective mode as much as we can intellectualise that, it's really still very tender to our wounds, our unworthiness wounds. The part of us that just wants to be wanted and chosen and who feels like they had that and then it got taken away from them through no fault of their own. So don't underestimate how big this is in terms of the emotional imprint of it.
0:09:24.24 → 0:09:58.85
And you'll need to really approach it with a lot of self compassion because it's really easy to personalise it. It's really easy to make it all about you and take it as unequivocal evidence in support of those really painful stories about yourself that you're not good enough that no one's ever going to want you. That when you show yourself to someone, they reject you. That nothing you do is good enough to get someone's attention and keep it. Whatever the stories are, there are a lot of them and this is a vulnerable area where we can really spiral in our self worth.
0:09:59.02 → 0:10:34.95
So to return to the essence of the question, is it weird that I want more sex than him? No, not at all. It's very common because of that trajectory of sexual intensity followed by sexual withdrawal by the avoidant partner. Then the anxious person, when faced with the insecurity that comes with that fallout, wants sex more than ever because sex is equal to validation, sex is equal to reassurance sex, alleviates that fear of rejection or that feeling of rejection that has kind of infected the relationship. So it's actually very common.
0:10:35.02 → 0:11:10.45
And if anything, the more he pulls away, the more you're going to want sex for that reason that you just want the feeling of being wanted. So what do we do with all of this? It might feel overwhelming to hear me share what drives that pattern and how very common it is. And I'm not going to mislead you by saying that it's an easy solution. I think the honest truth would be to say that both people need to have a level of awareness and willingness to be vulnerable about this.
0:11:10.60 → 0:12:42.96
And so, while on the anxious side, you're probably spending a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, you will need a level of buy in from your avoidant partner in finding a way to experience sex together that works for you both, that feels safe and comfortable, that meets both of your needs and that will require you to talk about it. Unfortunately, as much as we all hate talking about sex and having those messy, vulnerable conversations, it's really a necessity in any relationship, but particularly in one where all of this emotional density is present in your sexual dynamic. So as much as possible on the anxious side, depersonalising it will help because it will allow you to show up to those conversations vulnerably without being in this state of panic and stress and accusation and self protection, which will only elicit a similarly reactive and defensive response from your partner. The other final piece that I'll suggest for again the anxious partner in this is cheque in with yourself around sex. When you're wanting sex from your partner when you're feeling like you'd want to initiate sex, just cheque in with yourself on whether you want sex or whether you want to feel wanted.
0:12:43.33 → 0:13:25.92
Because if it's the latter, then what you're really wanting is reassurance or validation that everything's okay. And that might point to a broader unmet need in the relationship, that you can get met in other ways and potentially healthier ways, rather than leaning on sex as an indirect way to get that validation of reassurance. So asking yourself, do I actually want sex right now? Or do I want to feel wanted by my partner? And that will again allow you to just have greater clarity for yourself around what the need is, and in so doing have a much better chance of getting that need met in a way that works for you, for your partner, for the relationship.
0:13:26.53 → 0:14:18.39
So I hope that that has been helpful in unpacking that dynamic that is so very common, giving you a bit of an understanding of why that happens and what drives it and some sense of what you can do and what not to do if you find yourself in that situation and you're needing to tackle it. I should also say I have a master class on my website called Sex and Attachment, which is I think it's about 90 minutes and goes into all of this obviously in a lot more detail. I do also have a module in my Healing Anxious Attachment course around building a secure sexuality. So if you are wanting to go deeper on this topic, I definitely suggest checking either the Sex and Attachment Masterclass, which is Instant access. You can get that on my website or as I said at the start, joining that waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment.
0:14:18.52 → 0:14:50.64
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to leave a five star rating and a review. As I said, it does really help so much in getting the word out and helping the show continue to grow, but otherwise I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:14:50.70 --> 0:14:55.48
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
6 Tips for Avoidant People in Becoming More Secure
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
In today's episode, I'm offering 6 tips on how avoidant people can become more secure in their relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of getting to know your inner world
learning to feel safe with healthy interdependency
increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict
getting curious about your triggers before acting on them
communicating with words rather than actions
the benefits of co-regulation for your nervous system
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.09 → 0:00:54.65
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure in their relationships. So this episode has been a long time coming. If you've been around here a while, you'd know that my work focuses predominantly on the anxious attachment experience, and that is for the simple fact that that's my own personal experience.
0:00:54.77 → 0:01:44.63
And I always find that teaching from a place of personal lived experience tends to be more nuanced and authentic and impactful than just teaching about something based on information. But with that being said, I also acknowledge that there are a lot of avoidant leaning people in my audience, in my community of listeners here, who are really hungry for support and for more content around the avoidant side of the street. And so I'm hoping that in today's podcast, I can give you at least a greater understanding of where your growth edges might be, as well as a starting point of roadmap for how you can start to take those steps towards greater security in your relationships. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being to say welcome to all of the new listeners.
0:01:44.68 → 0:02:16.59
I think there's been a little uptick in the past week or so. At the time of recording, the podcast is sitting at number two on the charts in the US. In the relationships category on Apple podcasts, which is pretty wild, as you can imagine. The relationships category is a pretty competitive one with a lot of really amazing people in the field. And so for my little old podcasts that I record and edit myself at home each week, to be sitting up there at number two is just incredible.
0:02:16.64 → 0:02:34.16
And I'm so grateful for your support. So whether you are brand new here or whether you've been here a while, I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. The second quick announcement is just to remind you that the waitlist for my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment, is now open. You can join that via the link in the show notes.
0:02:34.27 → 0:03:04.15
The course will be opening for enrollment in a few weeks time, and that only happens two to three times a year. So if you're interested, if you struggle with anxious attachment and you're looking to get some support, that's a great one to cheque out, and you'll be entitled to discounted pricing by joining the waitlist. The final quick thing to share is just the featured review, which is stephanie, you possess the gift of instilling hope through change in a most thoughtful, loving way. Thank you. From the depths of my evolving 60 year old anxious heart.
0:03:04.22 → 0:03:15.56
You are changing lives. Thank you for that beautiful review. A little bit emotional rig, that one. That really was so lovely and I am deeply appreciative for you. Thank you for being here.
0:03:15.69 → 0:04:02.57
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a small token of gratitude. Okay, so let's dive into these six tips for avoidant people in becoming more secure. Now, before I get into this, I should just clarify that when I'm talking about avoidant people here, most of what I'm saying will apply to those who are fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. And to the extent that there are noteworthy differences, I will call them out and make that distinction. But when we're talking here about avoidant people, it's really dismissive avoidant people and fearful avoidant people to the extent that they are in a more avoidant expression of themselves.
0:04:02.72 → 0:04:43.39
So that's usually in a relationship with a more anxious leaning person, that a fearful avoidant person is going to lean more avoidance. So it's a person who's exhibiting those avoidant traits in their relationships. These are going to be helpful steps and growth edges for you. The first one is get to know your inner world, spend some time acquainting yourself with your inner world and practise sharing aspects of that with others. So if you are more avoidant leaning, it's likely that you don't spend that much time introspecting self inquiring reflecting on your emotional state.
0:04:43.56 → 0:05:36.49
And that's okay. That's not something that's wrong with you. And certainly by contrast with a more anxious person who's at the other extreme of spending a lot of time in there in a world we probably both want to meet in the middle there, so that we're not overly bogged down in introspection and self inquiry, but we also have access to it in a way that can be supportive, in not only being able to ask ourselves what we need and how we're feeling and take our own temperature, so to speak. But it's also really hard to connect authentically with others when we are disconnected from ourselves. So something that I will hear time and time again and I've experienced is people in relationship with more avoidant partners, wanting to get through to them, wanting to access them, but feeling like there's this wall up, wanting to say, what are you feeling?
0:05:36.59 → 0:05:50.33
Tell me what you're thinking. And often the avoidant person isn't trying to block that or hide that. They actually just don't know the answer. They don't know what they're feeling, they don't really know what they're thinking. It's this sense of I just feel blank.
0:05:50.53 → 0:06:27.97
And I think that when you're under stress and you're being asked what's going on with you, that feeling of being blank or numb is really common. And so it's really important to get into the practise of self inquiry when the stakes are lower. So not when you've got your partner standing over you and demanding to know what you're thinking and feeling, which is going to feel pressured and overwhelming. But just on a day to day basis, can you cheque in with yourself, maybe start a journaling practise? And that probably feels uncomfortable, particularly if you're more dismissive listening to this.
0:06:28.01 → 0:06:47.98
You might be rolling your eyes right now and saying, I'm just not that kind of person. Not going to happen. And that's okay, you don't have to be that kind of person. But finding some sort of self practise that prompts you to cheque in with yourself and go, how am I feeling right now? And then experimenting again with sharing aspects of that with others.
0:06:48.03 → 0:07:02.86
So that might look like if your partner asks you how is your day? Or how are you? Rather than just rattling off an automated fine, yeah, it was good, whatever. Actually pause cheque in, ask yourself, how am I feeling? How was my day?
0:07:02.96 → 0:07:24.73
And share a little more. Let people in. And again, we can do this in bite sized pieces because we don't want to force ourselves to a pendulum swing to the other extreme, but just practise checking in and then sharing. Checking in and then sharing. And as you do that, it will feel easier, it will feel more natural, it will feel safer.
0:07:26.43 → 0:08:03.90
Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is explore what it means to depend on other people and have them depend on you. So as an avoidant person, your operating system, your blueprint, is likely to go alone, to lean on hyperindependence, to take care of yourself, to be incredibly autonomous and self sufficient. And that's one of your great strengths. That is part of the brilliance of your adaptation, that you got really, really good at not needing anyone. And that's also your greatest downfall.
0:08:03.93 → 0:08:52.82
It's the thing that stops you from having the connected relationships that you really desire. So a big growth edge for avoided people is increasing comfort levels with depending on other people needing support, accepting support even if you don't strictly need it, actually just allowing people to support you without pushing that away and extending that support to others. So this really is the corollary of your aversion to depending on others, is that you likely have an aversion to them depending on you. This thing that comes up of, that's not my problem. Your emotions, your fears, your insecurities, your needs are not my problem.
0:08:52.95 → 0:09:45.03
If you're not happy with that, with how things are going, that's your problem, not mine. And so there can be this siloing of your stuff versus my stuff and a real discomfort or unfamiliarity with the idea of us, you know, all that this is our problem. That in a healthy relationship, we want this sense of mutuality, of reciprocity and of interdependency rather than pedestalizing. Hyperindependence as the gold standard of selfhood. So if you notice that in yourself that not only do you feel very uncomfortable with accepting support from other people and receiving that support, but you also have an aversion to giving it, extending that support to other people, that's something to really look at.
0:09:45.10 → 0:10:46.15
So I really invite you to explore that and particularly when you're stressed, when things are hard, when things feel vulnerable, your urge to go it alone will be amplified in those times of stress because that's when our protective strategies really rev up, when we're in a state of fear or stress. And so notice that tendency to want to swing to hyperindependence when you feel threatened or stressed and see what it would be like to instead take steps towards the other person both in a giving and a receiving sense. Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is work on increasing your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. So a lot of avoidant people have pretty low tolerance for relational disharmony. Meaning there can be unrealistic expectations on how a relationship should be, how easy it should be, and as soon as things feel hard or effortful or there's quote unquote drama, you want to cut and run.
0:10:46.27 → 0:11:32.56
Because the way I always describe this, and I usually am describing it to anxious people who can't understand it because they're the opposite, is you're starting point as an avoidant person is relationships are hard, relationships take a lot from me. And so they have to be really, really close to perfect. They have to be very harmonious and easy in order to be worth it. And so as soon as conflict starts to arise, as soon as there's disharmony, as soon as there's tension or stress or you feel criticised, it can really quickly tip the scales in favour of not worth it for me. And so I think a really important growth edge for avoidant people is working to build that container a little to increase your tolerance for reasonable levels of disharmony and conflict.
0:11:32.59 → 0:11:58.03
And when I say reasonable levels, I mean by contrast with unreasonable, unrealistic expectations of perfection in a relationship. So know that relationships involve ebb and flow. You will have conflicts from time to time. You will disagree, you will have differing opinions, you will have differing preferences. Your partner is not going to get it right every time.
0:11:58.15 → 0:12:28.24
And there may be a part of you that is rigid and judgmental and wants to make them wrong for that and wants to take that and make it mean the relationship is not right or it's not worth it, it's not working and retreat. So notice that. Okay? Notice that and try and stay in it. Try and persist through the discomfort of conflict and stick around for the repair process and see if you can be open to that process so that you can rebuild stronger.
0:12:28.35 → 0:13:31.20
And in doing that, you really will start to rewire some of those parts of you that have such a visceral reaction against any sort of perception that the relationship requires too much effort. Because as I said, it's going to be really hard to build a genuinely authentic, connected relationship if you have more or less zero tolerance for any kind of disharmony or conflict, because that is part and parcel of all relationships, even the good ones. Okay, so the next one that I want to offer you is get curious about your impulses before acting on them. So as with all of us, when we're in fear, when we feel threatened, when we feel stressed, our protective mechanisms jump to our defence really quickly, instantaneously, before we can really even think about it. For avoided people, what that often looks like is pulling away, retreating, withdrawing, blocking, checking out, even ending a relationship.
0:13:31.89 → 0:14:01.59
That impulse to run can be really strong. And I think a lot of the time that could be avoided by just pausing and getting curious. But again, that might not come very naturally to you. So part of the growth edge here is going, I'm feeling really judgmental towards my partner. I feel this sudden sense of resentment or disdain or even like disgust towards my partner.
0:14:01.71 → 0:14:45.55
And rather than just taking those feelings and those judgments and those thoughts at face value and going, that must mean that I don't like them that much or they're not the right person for me, or whatever else, there's something wrong with them, they're the problem. Get curious about it. Interrogate those thoughts rather than just taking them as fact, taking them at face value and making them mean that the relationship is wrong and you need to leave. Because I think that that's what can often happen is we just take that as evidence and that supports our body's impulse to run. We take that as confirming that fear story that wants to take you back to safety in your aloneness.
0:14:45.68 → 0:15:23.26
So before you do that, because you know what, that costs you to continue to retreat, to aloneness, to potentially sabotage or let go of relationships that you really did care about and you really did want, because your fear got the better of you. So before you do that, try to get curious and try to dig a level deeper underneath that surface level thought or emotional judgement and go, what's this really about for me? Is there something that I'm nervous about right now or afraid of? Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I feeling criticised?
0:15:23.32 → 0:15:47.59
Am I feeling blamed? Am I feeling like a failure? Am I feeling not good enough? Rather than just pushing it back onto the other person, making it about them and then saying, you know what, I'll just leave, it's not worth it. Because as I said, that's just going to keep following you everywhere you go, that pattern, it's not something that you can run away from because you can't run away from yourself.
0:15:47.79 → 0:16:27.24
Okay, the next one that I want to offer you is try to communicate more with your words rather than relying on your actions. So again, this is good Practise across the board, but particularly if you tend to be in relationship with anxious leaning partners. It's really helpful for your partner if you can communicate what's going on for you directly, rather than trying to convey what you're wanting or needing or feeling indirectly via your actions or omissions, as the case may be. So what does this mean? Something that I hear a lot, and an ex of mine used to do this and it would drive me absolutely crazy.
0:16:28.57 → 0:16:54.88
I'd message him asking a plan, asking when he was going to get home, and he wouldn't reply to me. And eventually when I would get on to him, he'd say, I didn't know the answer at that time, so I didn't reply. And for me, as a more anxious person, it's like so obvious that you'd send a message saying, oh, sorry, I'm not sure yet, but I'll let you know. But for him it was like, well, I didn't know the answer, so I didn't reply. I'll just wait until I do know the answer.
0:16:54.93 → 0:17:33.20
And you'll assume from my lack of reply that I don't know the answer. And so this was a classic example of our differing attachment patterns and probably personalities and relationship preferences really rubbing against each other. And it was such a trigger for me and I really struggled with it and it would have been so much easier for me had he just communicated directly with words. So I think that that's a really good thing to aim for and it's so low cost to you. It's not that difficult to just say to someone, hey, I'm running late, or hey, I'm feeling tired tonight, or hey, I'm busy at work so I probably won't be able to see you later.
0:17:34.13 → 0:18:16.81
I think avoidant leaning folks can leave a lot to omission. If you didn't hear from me, then it's obvious that I didn't want to talk to you. And for a more anxious leaning person, that sends them into a total spin. So I think having a bit more sensitivity to the other person's experience and trying to put yourself in their shoes a little more is probably a really good idea. Again, particularly if you're with a more anxious leaning person, given that you do have very different baseline tendencies, it can be really supportive to try and almost observe what they do and go, okay, maybe that's what they're kind of hoping for from me.
0:18:16.88 → 0:19:13.35
Now, that's not to validate that as a strategy, because I think it would be best if we all communicated directly, and God knows anxious people are terrible at that as well. But I think that's one really, as I said, easy, low cost area in which you, as an avoidant person, could contribute in a really positive way to the quality of the relationship, the trust in the relationship, the sense of steadiness and reliability and dependability is just communicating more proactively with your words rather than just leaning on actions or omissions as a form of communication for what you're doing, how you're thinking, how you're feeling. Okay, the 6th and final tip that I want to give you here is prioritise coregulation. So you may be familiar with the term coregulation if you've delved into nervous system stuff. I've got a very exciting guest episode coming up soon around nervous system regulation.
0:19:13.43 → 0:20:08.24
So definitely catch that if you're interested. But essentially by contrast with an anxious person whose work in this area is really around learning to self regulate because they can't very well, it is this sense of depending on the other person to be okay, the avoidant person is pretty comfortable on their own. Self regulation is not so much the issue, but coregulation meaning safe, attunement and closeness with another person's system can feel intensely vulnerable and so they may shy away from that because it doesn't feel safe. So practising that. And what this looks like, practically speaking, is like lingering in a hug for a little bit longer and just trying to relax your body into that and receive the safety of that experience.
0:20:08.77 → 0:20:49.68
Now of course, this is within reason and within your own personal boundaries and you don't want to be pushing yourself to do something that is really uncomfortable or unsafe. But I think that that really embodied experience of connection and closeness is a big growth edge for avoidant people because your impulse again will be to physically push it away. And so that's a real growth edge for avoidant people is increasing that comfort level with coregulation. And that's not just to accommodate a partner's preference, that's actually because it's extremely nourishing to your nervous system to get that coregulation. So if that feels again like going straight to doing that with a partner is too much, start with a pet, start with an animal.
0:20:49.71 → 0:21:14.62
That's a really beautiful way to practise coregulation. So that might be as simple as patting a dog and being really present with that and syncing up your breath to their breath and allowing yourself to kind of soak up the relaxation of that coregulation. It's like your nervous system sink to one another in this really grounding restorative. Nourishing way. So practise that.
0:21:14.72 → 0:21:46.64
Find ways that you can experience that safe co regulation and again, building up your capacity to have those experiences without having the fear come up and needing to push it away. Okay, so those were six tips for avoiding people and becoming more secure. I realised that was quite a journey we went on, so I'm going to quickly recap those. The first was spend some time getting to know your inner world and practise sharing that with others. The second was explore what it means to depend on others and have them depend on you.
0:21:47.09 → 0:22:09.98
The third was to work to increase your tolerance for disharmony and conflict. In your relationships. The fourth was to get curious about your triggers and your impulses rather than just acting on them. The fifth was to try and communicate with words rather than just actions or omissions, and the 6th was to prioritise that safe co regulation. I really hope that this has been helpful.
0:22:10.17 → 0:22:32.24
If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a review and a five star rating. It helps so much in continuing to get the word out and get the podcast ranking in all of these charts all around the world, which, as I said at the start, is just pretty mind blowing for me. I'm so grateful for you being here and I look forward to seeing you later in the week. Thanks, guys.
0:22:34.29 → 0:22:56.34
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Initiate Hard Conversations with an Avoidant Partner
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner. This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
In today's Q&A episode, I'm sharing tips for initiating hard conversations with an avoidant partner.
This is a question I get a lot - how to express needs to an avoidant partner, how to set boundaries, how to share feedback. These conversations are already intimidating for many anxiously attached folks, and when combined with the sensitivities of the avoidant partner, can be a perfect storm.
WHAT WE COVER:
how to set yourself up for success in initiating hard conversations
the importance of a regulated nervous system
tips for reaching a mutually beneficial outcome
how to cultivate greater safety during conflict & challenging conversations
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.17 → 0:01:03.89
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of how do I initiate hard conversations with my avoidant partner? So this is a question that I get variations on all the time, this question of how do I bring up my needs with an avoidant partner, how do I share how I'm feeling or share feedback with an avoidant partner without scaring them away? And so I know that it's something that a lot of people struggle with, obviously oftentimes more anxious leaning people struggle with.
0:01:04.00 → 0:02:03.11
And I think that that comes from a confluence of factors. It's not only that avoidant leaning partners can be sensitive to criticism and to those conversations and might have resistance to them. But I think we also need to acknowledge that the starting point for more anxious leaning people is really struggling to take up space, to find their voice, to advocate for themselves, to express needs, to express boundaries. So we find this kind of double edged sword of it being already really intimidating a concept for an anxious person, and then sometimes not being met with the response that you might have hoped for from a more avoidant leaning partner. So it can lead to these really negative cycles, these downward spirals in the relationship whereby it quickly devolves into kind of attack, defend, shut down escalation.
0:02:03.29 → 0:02:53.06
And obviously nothing good comes of that kind of dynamic. It becomes very ineffective very quickly and whatever underlying issues or things needed to be talked about tend to just remain unaddressed and fester until the next time that someone gets triggered and it all becomes a bit more amplified and disregulated. And we all know how that story ends. So in this episode, I'm going to be giving you some really practical, straightforward, easy to implement tips on how you can set yourself up for success in initiating and then having hard conversations with a more avoided leaning partner. And I will say at the outset that this is really best practise for initiating a hard conversation with anyone.
0:02:53.67 → 0:03:44.98
It's not just an avoidant thing. But I think we can acknowledge that there can be sensitivity from more avoidant leaning people on having conversations that they anticipate, might be emotionally dense, or might be an opportunity for their partner to criticise them, to blame them, to tell them all the things that they're not doing right, because they do have heightened sensitivity around that. So, as I said, applicable for everyone, but especially helpful if you are a more anxious leaning person in relationship with a more avoidant leaning person. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements you may have heard me earlier in the week, announce that The Waitlist is now open for healing anxious attachment. Probably got about 150 people on the Waitlist in the last couple of days, which is amazing.
0:03:45.43 → 0:04:10.34
If you want to join the Waitlist, the next round of the programme will be opening for enrollment next month and The Waitlist entitles you to a discount and first access. So jump on the waitlist. That's all in the show notes. If you want to cheque out the course when it opens next month, the second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. It's quite a long one, so I'm going to give you a shortened version.
0:04:10.48 → 0:04:33.74
It says, I've been going through a really tough year and I've sampled many relationship podcasts for ideas and advice. When I came across on Attachment, I immediately knew I'd stumbled upon a gem. When I listen, I feel as if Stephanie speaking directly to me, directly to my experience. A recent episode, My ex moved on immediately and I can't help but take it personally, was filled with so much needed insight that I was shocked at how much it applied to my situation. I listened to it twice in a row.
0:04:33.80 → 0:04:43.23
Amazing. Thank you, Stephanie. I look forward to hearing each and every episode as I journey towards healing and self improvement. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it.
0:04:43.32 → 0:05:15.63
If that was your review. If you just send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com, my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into how to initiate hard conversations with an avoidant partner. So I'm going to give you six tips or steps here. But before I do that, I just want to offer you an overarching piece of guidance, let's say, which is it's really, really important that your partner feels that they have choice.
0:05:16.45 → 0:06:15.56
Again, this is not just an avoidant thing, but it's especially important for an avoidant person because when we feel at a nervous system level, like we don't have choice, like we're trapped, like we're stuck, like we're being controlled, we go very quickly into fear and self protection. So throughout all of these, you'll notice that choice is really important and that's a really important thing to bear in mind. What we really want to avoid is any sense of forcing someone, coercing someone into having a conversation that they're not in a position to have. Because as much as that might seem frustrating or unfair to you, you're never going to get what you need. If you are forcing someone to have a conversation against their will because they are already back up against the wall, they're already in a state of disregulation and fear and self protection.
0:06:15.67 → 0:06:46.06
And whatever outcome you're hoping for, which I assume is something connective and growth oriented, is really, really hard to achieve in that state. You can think about it like the gates are already shut once they're in that state of Dysregulation. So we really want to get ourselves set up well for success here and start on the right foot. So with that being said, step one, make sure that you ask for permission when you want to have a hard conversation. Again, this goes for everyone.
0:06:46.11 → 0:07:32.11
This is just really good Practise. So rather than just saying we need to talk, or launching straight into whatever it is you want to say, lead with, hey, do you have time to talk at some point today? There's something that I'd like to chat to you about or there's something I'd like to share or whatever it is right, but saying when suits you to have a chat and waiting for their response, so it might not be right then and right there. And you as a more anxious leaning person may struggle with that because there tends to be, on the anxious side a lot of urgency around whatever is arising in you, whatever emotion is present. It's like it has to be right now and we need to talk about it and we need to fix it immediately or else it's not going to be okay.
0:07:32.18 → 0:08:16.57
Because I'm probably overheating on the inside in this state of high anxiety and panic, and that is a very urgent state. But we need to recognise that coming at someone with that energy of urgency and intensity again, is not going to be a good starting point for conversation. So asking for permission when suits you to have a conversation. And if they say, I'm a little busy at the moment or I'm tired right now, you kind of have to respect that. I'll add that if they just say, oh, I don't know, full stop and don't give you anything back, then you can proceed to set a boundary and say, well, can you please let me know when soothes over the next day or two?
0:08:16.64 → 0:09:06.99
Because this is important to me and you want to have some sort of resolution there. Because I think if it is left open, there's a good chance that you're going to continue to bubble away and escalate your own internal emotional state, which again is going to be detrimental to the conversation when you eventually have it. So get some clarity around when you're going to have the conversation, but also be open to that not being immediately given that that does fall into that category of kind of forcing or coercing someone to have a conversation when it suits you. Okay, the next tip is regulate yourself. So try as much as possible to be kind of relaxed and regulated and calm and grounded and clear all of those good words when you go into this conversation.
0:09:07.09 → 0:09:47.12
Now, that will be hard for a lot of anxious leaning people, particularly if you're nervous about the conversation, particularly if you've had similar conversations in the past that haven't gone terribly well. And so you're kind of subconsciously bracing for conflict or bracing for pushback or defensiveness or whatever else. But just know that if you're in that really constricted state where you are kind of braced, your partner is going to read that before you even open your mouth. Your nervous systems are just going to clock onto each other. And again, it's like your animals in in threat mode when that happens.
0:09:47.22 → 0:10:30.70
And it's really, really hard to have a productive, empathetic, nuanced, you know, multiple perspectives conversation where you can be collaborative and find your way to a mutually agreeable resolution. Really hard to do that when you're both in fear. So try as much as possible to regulate yourself. Maybe that looks like going for a walk or a run before the conversation, doing some other thing that brings your system down to a level of relative regulation, calm, groundedness, so that you're not teetering on the edge at the very outset of the conversation. The next tip is to be both clear and open minded.
0:10:30.81 → 0:11:09.44
Okay? So clear in the sense of I know what I want to share and say I've reflected on that, I've got clarity around what the essence of my concern is. So I'm not just going to go in there and spew out all of this jumbled, highly emotional stream of consciousness stuff that's going to get in the way of what I'm really trying to articulate. So I've taken responsibility for sifting through all of my own stories and emotions and triggers and I've gotten to the heart of what I need to share. So I'm clear around that and at the same time, be open.
0:11:09.57 → 0:11:50.99
Open minded, not overly rigid, not reading off a mental script and needing to get something specific back from them. Because I think that when we go in with that level of expectation and control, then it's really hard for us to be flexible around where the conversation goes. And again, if we're really looking to get to a mutually agreeable outcome, we do need to recognise that we're not the only person in the equation and that we need to have a level of openness and curiosity about the other person's perspective. So be both clear and open minded. Be open to something happening that you've never contemplated before.
0:11:51.06 → 0:12:33.00
I think so many of us go, oh, I know exactly how they're going to respond and I know if I say that, then they'll say that. And maybe that the more you go into it with that expectation, I promise you're just going to get that. You're going to get that back because there's no space for anything different when you are in that really narrow tunnel visioned kind of mindset around these conversations. And again, your nervous system is just conveying so much information to their nervous system that it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy and again, you eliminate the possibility of other outcomes. Okay, the next tip is to keep it to one issue.
0:12:33.13 → 0:13:09.99
I think the tendency with a lot of anxious people is I suppress everything. I don't talk about it, I don't talk about my feelings. And then as soon as I get a window of opportunity, I come out with my long list of complaints that I have been keeping a lid on. And so I might start with, you were late home last night and end up over here with ten different issues. And as much as it feels really important to share those things, and I know that it's hard to ask for the conversation, so once you've done that, it's really tempting to just lay everything on the table.
0:13:10.57 → 0:13:20.79
It feels like an onslaught for the other person. Imagine it. It's like you're sitting there and suddenly there's like 20 arrows flying at you. And what are you going to do? You're going to duck for cover?
0:13:20.91 → 0:13:41.90
You're going to get defensive and protective because that's a lot to receive. So try and keep it to one issue. Remind your sister, this isn't the last conversation I ever get to have with this person. Again, when we're in fear, it all becomes very global and extreme. I've got to talk about it now because it feels extremely important and urgent.
0:13:42.04 → 0:14:34.08
Just keep it to one issue, I promise you'll, at least then have a much better shot at getting that one issue resolved. Whereas if you start to bring in the shopping list of all of the other things, then there's a really good chance none of it will get resolved and you'll be more disconnected as a result. The next tip is to be prepared to take a break if needed. This is really standard advice I give to everyone when we're talking about conflict and relationships, but it's particularly important for anxious avoidant couples if you get dysregulated, meaning if one or both of you is starting to exhibit signs of a stress response and it's getting in the way of your conversation being productive, take a break. There's no use in proceeding and trying to push through that because you are just pushing yourselves into a more heightened emotional state.
0:14:34.13 → 0:14:52.20
And again, nothing good comes of it. You're not going to get the outcome that you want from that place. So be prepared to take a break, to slow down, to pause, to take space from each other. Let's take 20 minutes to cool down and then come back to the conversation. So be prepared to do that.
0:14:52.25 → 0:15:13.48
Again, for the anxious person, that's hard because you feel like they're running away from the conversation. You feel like they're trying to kind of emotionally abandon you is often the feeling that when you're really upset, they want to pull away and withdraw. So please know that them needing to do that is about regulating themselves. It's actually not about you. They're not running away from you.
0:15:13.50 → 0:15:54.95
They're sort of retreating to their safe place. And as frustrating as that is, it's actually in the best interest of the relationship and the conversation. So be prepared to take a break if needed, obviously with the intention of returning to the conversation when the heat has come down a little. And the last tip is just to appreciate and acknowledge their willingness to be uncomfortable. So if you do have this conversation and you manage to kind of get to a resolution, get to an end point, really express your appreciation, say, I know that these conversations are hard for you, so I really appreciate you sticking it out, and you being willing to talk through this stuff with me because it means a lot to me, and I really, really appreciate it.
0:15:55.04 → 0:16:29.06
And that kind of acknowledgement will be meaningful and it's really validating. So I think that that's a good thing to do, to show them that you see that and that you're appreciative rather than, again, just coming out of the whole time if you're trying to run away or you're not. Listening to me or all of these things that again will be reinforcing on their side, that these conversations are bad and unsafe and should be avoided at all costs. We want to rewrite that story for both of your sakes. We want to have these experiences of actually hard conversations.
0:16:29.12 → 0:17:07.83
Yeah, they might be uncomfortable, but we can do uncomfortable. We can create safety in that discomfort and create new possibilities for our relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Obviously, that's far from being an exhaustive list, we could very easily have several episodes on having hard conversations and conflict strategy and tips around that in an anxious, avoidant dynamic. But I think if you were to implement those six tips, you'll really be in a much better position than just going in with all of the urgency and intensity and stress and attack kind of mode.
0:17:07.93 → 0:17:30.01
You've got a much better shot at having a productive, connective, you know, growth oriented conversation where you're actually able to hear each other and find a solution. So I hope that that's been helpful. I hope that you've learned something. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, super appreciative. If you can leave a five star rating or a review, it really does help so much, but otherwise I will see you again next week.
Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In this episode, I'm talking all about perfectionism - but probably not in the way you've heard it spoken about before. Perfectionism is often thought of as a personality quirk - a commitment to high achieving and having things a certain way. But when it comes to relationships, perfectionism can be a powerful protective strategy that keeps us from being seen and known as our authentic selves.
In this episode, I'm talking all about perfectionism - but probably not in the way you've heard it spoken about before.
Perfectionism is often thought of as a personality quirk - a commitment to high achieving and having things a certain way. But when we dig a little deeper, we can see that perfectionism is about so much more than personal preference and having things a certain way. It's about fear and control. About needing to be perceived a certain way in order to feel acceptable and worthy.
So what does this have to do with attachment and anxious-avoidant relationships?
Well, here's how it usually looks.
On the anxious side, there is a self-imposed perfectionism.
A deeply held belief of “I need to be a particular way in order to be loved. Because if I falter, and show someone my “unacceptable” parts, they're not going to want me anymore and I'll be rejected." In this way, perfectionism takes the form of a harsh inner critic, policing our expression and making sure we don't put a foot out of line lest someone confirm our worst fear by losing interest in us.
On the avoidant side, perfectionism often takes the form of impossibly high expectations on a partner.
As a relationship progresses, many avoidant people will notice themselves becoming inexplicably irritated by and critical of their partner - sometimes to the point of disdain and contempt. This is often a subconscious distancing strategy that arises when the relationship is becoming more serious and committed.
In being highly critical of their partner and holding them to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, the avoidant person is able to convince themselves that the other person's flaws mean the relationship isn't “right”, thereby protecting themselves from the extreme vulnerability of being truly seen by someone.
So what happens when we bring together one person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable, and the person who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and so subconsciously creates distance through focusing on someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves?
Unfortunately, these core wounds fit together like puzzle pieces.
And while it's 100% possible to shift these dynamics with the right tools and self-awareness, it's easy to see how these protective strategies can reinforce and enable each other.
If you want to go deeper on this topic, be sure to check out Wednesday's episode of On Attachment, Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
how anxiously attached people hold themselves to standards of perfection as a way to gain and keep someone's interest
how avoidantly attached people use perfectionism & criticism as a distancing strategy to avoid intimacy & vulnerability
what happens when these strategies collide in an anxious-avoidant dynamic
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.25 → 0:01:08.19
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is how perfectionism impacts our relationships and specifically looking at competing dynamics of perfectionism in anxious avoidant relationships. So I think that for a lot of us, we associate perfectionism with high achieving and striving to be the best and maybe being competitive or maybe being a bit particular about the way we like things. But I think that perfectionism runs a lot deeper than that, and it's almost always coupled with fear, shame, anxiety and aversion to vulnerability.
0:01:08.27 → 0:01:58.82
A lot of resistance to being seen by someone in our authentic expression, in our mess, in our imperfection. And so perfectionism in that way can be seen as a protective strategy to keep us safe from those things that we fear most. And in relationships, I think it can show up in a few different ways. And so that's what I'm going to be talking about today, looking at how it shows up differently for more anxious leaning people versus more avoidant leaning people. And then what happens when those opposing dynamics, both fueled by aspects of perfectionism, what happens when they come together and those opposing forces meet.
0:01:59.67 → 0:02:27.83
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. To be very transparent with you, I'd actually recorded a whole nother version of this episode and it was all ready to go. And then at the last minute I had some new ideas about what I wanted to say that was a little bit different. And so I decided to scrap the original version and rerecord this. And no, it is not lost on me, the irony of me doing that on an episode about perfectionism.
0:02:27.91 → 0:02:56.13
But what can I say? I am as much a work in progress as any of you listening. But nevertheless, I do hope that today's discussion is an insightful one and an interesting one. I think that there will be a little something in there for everyone because I think that perfectionism and all of its tentacles are pretty farreaching and can affect all of us to varying degrees. So that's what today is all about.
0:02:56.28 → 0:03:35.82
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that my healing anxious attachment course is going to be reopening for enrollment next month and I have opened a waitlist. So I have gotten a lot of messages lately from people who either have recently discovered my work and are keen to go deeper, or people who maybe wanted to join a previous round of the course but weren't in a position to, for whatever reason. So the waitlist is now open and the link to that is in the show notes. If you join the waitlist, which is obviously totally free and no obligation, that will mean that you'll be the first to know when enrollment opens and you'll also get a discount.
0:03:35.88 → 0:04:04.57
So definitely cheque that out if you're interested. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is steph has such beautiful, considered and practical advice to offer. After my own long term relationship ended last year, I've personally found the podcast so helpful in trying to come to a greater understanding about what didn't work and why. And now, how to navigate life post breakup. I'd recommend this podcast to anyone who's looking to gain a deeper understanding of themselves or the way they show up in relationships.
0:04:04.91 → 0:04:43.64
Thank you for that review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniereg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and anxious avoidant dynamics. So I'm going to start by giving an overview of what I often see as perfectionistic tendencies in anxious leaning people, how that tends to show up for them. I'll then move to talking about more avoidant leaning people and what their brand of perfectionism tends to look like, and then we'll look at what happens when these things come together.
0:04:45.29 → 0:05:30.00
So for the anxious person, perfectionism tends to be a self imposed expectation of I need to be a particular way in order to be worthy of love. I need to be palatable, I need to be acceptable, I need to not have any flaws, I need to look, act, be a certain way, otherwise I'm going to lose you, I'm going to be rejected, this person is going to lose interest in me. It's not safe for me to be seen in my fullness because no one's going to want that, no one's interested in that, no one's going to like that. And so my window of expression becomes very small. We see in this for the anxious person.
0:05:30.10 → 0:06:22.45
A lot of those extreme people pleasing behaviours that I've talked about, a lot shape shifting, not really knowing who you are, what you stand for, what your values are. Just really wanting to be liked and accepted to the point of fairly extreme self abandonment, but also hand in hand with a lot of micromanaging of how we're perceived by others. So I need to control the way other people see me because that is paramount to me, creating and maintaining safety for myself via connection with those people. That's at least how it feels, right? If I put 1ft out of line, then the worst is going to happen.
0:06:22.49 → 0:07:21.20
I'm going to lose my partner, I'm going to lose my friends, I'm going to be outcast or rejected or shamed or seen to fail or seen as not good enough. And all of those deepest, darkest fears that I hold within me will come to fruition. And so what we see here is that at the heart of this perfectionism, this rigidity, this need to control how we show up and how we're perceived, is ultimately that same fear of abandonment that lies at the heart of so much of anxiously attached people's, wounding and associated protective strategies. When that's the counterfactual, that's the thing that we think is going to happen if we don't behave in that way. That's always a really insightful and illuminating shortcut to understanding what's driving our behaviour.
0:07:21.26 → 0:08:20.86
We go what am I afraid it would happen if I didn't do that thing, if I didn't micromanage the way I was perceived, if I allowed someone to see me other than in my most shiny expression, what am I afraid would happen? And for most anxious people the answer there is going to be they wouldn't like me, they don't want that part of me. And so we see that that self rejection, that deep self belief that only parts of us are lovable or worthy of love are acceptable, are safe to show people that self view bleeds into the way we show up in relationships. On the avoidance side, what we tend to see is perfectionistic expectations on a partner. So for more avoidantleaning people, I think a very common experience, a common sort of trope would be feeling really attracted to someone to begin with.
0:08:20.99 → 0:09:23.45
And then, as things become more committed, more serious, more steady, an avoidant leaning person will often find themselves inexplicably irritated by their partner nitpicking things, just finding them so almost feeling like disdainful of their partner, noticing everything that's wrong with them. All of the ways in which they are deficient or annoying or imperfect and finding themselves extremely activated by that and very judgmental of it. Now of course this is not universal, this is not going to be true for everyone, but it is a really common experience for more avoidant leaning people as relationships become more serious. What we often refer to as getting the ick about someone oh, I'm just inexplicably turned off by you when a month ago I was totally smitten and suddenly now I just can't stand you. Where is that coming from?
0:09:23.49 → 0:10:45.46
And I think that if that's something you notice in yourself it is a really good opportunity to pause and go okay, what's this really about for me? Rather than just taking it at face value and assuming that the relationship isn't there's something wrong with the relationship or the other person. So I think that the way that this tends to play out for an avoidant person is that their perfectionism is a perfectionism imposed upon their partner, consciously or otherwise, and is ultimately a distancing strategy, a protective strategy that is designed to protect them, to keep them safe from having to be vulnerable, be intimate, progress in a relationship where that feels really edgy and unsafe. And so we can see that me being highly critical of you and holding you to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, saves me from having to be vulnerable with you and letting you see me, which is what I fear is going to happen if we continue down this path. So I'd rather focus on your imperfections, use those as evidence of the fact that this isn't the right relationship, maybe end the relationship or otherwise sabotage it.
0:10:45.56 → 0:11:36.43
And that saves me from needing to be seen myself. So while these show up in different ways, the anxious person is using perfectionism to try and cling and control and grip. The avoidant person is using perfectionism as imposed on the other to try and create distance. Both people are terrified of being seen and that's really the common threat. I've spoken before in a recent episode around similarities between anxious and avoidant people, that a similarity is fear of vulnerability and that neither anxious nor avoidant people are great at really being vulnerable, really being seen, really allowing other people in, even if it looks different on the surface.
0:11:36.61 → 0:12:55.33
So what happens when we bring these together, when we bring together the person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable and yet they want connection more than anything. So they're walking on a tightrope to try and gain and keep someone's love. And then on the other side, you've got someone who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and closeness and also of looking within because that's so foreign to them a lot of the time that it's easier to project onto the other to create distance via criticism or noticing someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves. And so we've got these two people and unfortunately, as so often happens, that woundedness on each side, they fit together like puzzle pieces. And if left unchecked, without conscious awareness and a willingness and ability to shift those patterns and heal, they will absolutely reinforce each other and provide more evidence for the painful stories.
0:12:56.23 → 0:13:51.81
Again on the anxious side, if they're with a partner and all of this is playing out unconsciously and they're with an avoidant partner who is absolutely noticing their imperfections and criticising to create distance and that's going to provide evidence for the anxious person's story of I can't be imperfect because when I am, they leave, they pull away, they lose interest. And that reinforces my story that it's not safe to do that. So it's really important if you notice these dynamics in your relationship, whether a current relationship or a previous one. And I should say this can happen in very early dating or it can exist long into established relationships. It is so important that you bring conscious awareness to this on both sides and that you commit to shifting those patterns and meeting those edges.
0:13:51.89 → 0:14:22.92
Because, as I said, left unchecked, these almost like complementary wounds will just reinforce each other. They will poke each other, they will trigger each other, they will reinforce each other. They will provide more evidence to support the fears underlying those protective strategies. And so those protective strategies will never feel safe to step aside. Those protective parts will absolutely keep working in overdrive and on and on will go right.
0:14:22.99 → 0:15:41.73
That's kind of how it all works. So you will need a level of willingness on both sides to meet these edges and this is not going to be overnight change because anything where we are turning towards our deep fears, our shame, our terror, our unworthiness, our really fundamental attachment and relational wounds, it's tender and it's got to be gentle but it is possible. So the growth edge for you if you are the more anxious leaning person in this kind of dynamic is to practise allowing yourself to express and be seen in your mess. That doesn't mean that you have to have a public breakdown. But it does mean not just zipping yourself up so tight and pretending to be fine all the time and going with the flow and going with what everyone else wants and never taking your own needs, feelings, concerns, preferences into account, never allowing yourself to be in need.
0:15:41.90 → 0:16:22.32
So that might look like leaning on friends more leaning on a therapist, practising in those training grounds that don't feel as high stakes as a relationship. We don't want to test those edges in a super high stake scenario so go gently. But ultimately the work is allowing ourselves to be imperfect and to be seen in that imperfection. And that's a really important point because I think so much of perfectionism, particularly on the anxious side is being seen in it. It's not just acknowledging our imperfection for ourselves as between me and me.
0:16:22.42 → 0:17:04.42
I know that I'm imperfect but can I let someone else know that and see me and that in a way that is outside of my control and therefore truly vulnerable? That's the growth edge on the avoidance side. Your work is to get really curious every time you notice that urge come up to criticise as a way to create distance. When you notice those doubts come up, those voices saying maybe this isn't the right relationship. Maybe idealising previous partners or hypothetical partners as oh I would never have to deal with this with that person and that's why this relationship is bad and that alternative is better.
0:17:05.29 → 0:17:30.49
Notice that and get curious. Go what's that keeping me safe from? What does this allow me to not have to feel or experience? What does this allow me to avoid if I lean into this impulse to criticise, create distance and pull away. Because the reality is, as we all know rationally nobody's perfect.
0:17:30.61 → 0:17:56.47
Relationships aren't perfect. It's all messier than that. And being in a healthy, secure, committed relationship is about choosing someone in all of their imperfections but choosing someone who you love and trust and care for and committing to that and accepting all of them. So that's really the growth edge for the avoidant person. And relatedly.
0:17:56.81 → 0:18:55.21
I think looking at does my criticism of them, does my pointing the finger there and making them the problem them, the imperfect one allow me to bypass looking at my own stuff, looking within, considering the work. That I have to do, because that's likely very uncomfortable for you as a more avoidant leaning person to have to see the ways in which your stuff contributes to the pattern. And it is always going to be easier to blame the other person and make them the imperfect one, the defective one, and tell ourselves that the next relationship will be different. But this goes for everyone. Our wounds, our patterns tend to follow us wherever we go until we do the work to tend to those parts of us that drive us to those protective behaviours.
0:18:55.31 → 0:20:06.95
So I hope that this has been an interesting discussion and that it's given you some food for thought on your own perfectionistic tendencies, to the extent that you can relate to that and perhaps how your relationship might be exhibiting aspects of this tussle between different expressions of perfectionism with kind of different surface goals, but similar underlying fears of being seen. And, you know, that self rejection of I can't let someone get too close to the real me because I can't control what happens there and I'm so terrified that that wouldn't be lovable or acceptable or worthy, and so I have to use whatever strategy I can to prevent that from happening. And I think that that is a common thread between anxious and avoidant people in this respect and in many other contexts as well. As I said, I hope that that's been helpful and has given you something to reflect on. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful.
0:20:07.00 → 0:20:43.60
If you can leave me a fivestar rating if you're on Spotify or a review if you're on Apple podcasts or whatever else you can do wherever else you're listening, I really do appreciate it and I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Take care, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie—rigg or at stephanierieg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating.
0:20:43.66 → 0:20:48.36
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
“My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can’t help but take it personally.”
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally." This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
In today's Q&A episode, I'm answering the question of "My ex moved on immediately post break-up and I can't help but take it personally."
This is a really common pain point for people post-break-up, so don't beat yourself up if you're in this situation (or have been there in the past!)
WHAT WE COVER:
why it's normal to feel hurt by a partner moving on faster than we do
why it's so important to monitor the stories we tell ourselves post break-up
reasons why people process break-ups differently
how anxious vs avoidant people tend to move through the break-up period
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.01 → 0:01:06.55
Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be answering the community question of my ex moved on immediately postbreak up, and I can't help but take it personally. Do you have any advice? So this is something that I hear a lot, and it can obviously feel like a twisting of the dagger when we're already in a lot of pain to see our ex, whether it's moving on or just seeming to. Be coping better than we are after a breakup when we're really in the thick of it and we're grieving and we're hurt and we're lost and confused.
0:01:06.73 → 0:01:47.76
To see something pop up on social media or to hear about it or to even hear it directly from your ex that they're seeing someone new or that life is going well for them. It's really easy to take that and make it mean something about us. And that can really prolong our suffering at a time when we're already in a lot of pain and hurt. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, understanding that experience a little more where you can go as stray there, and some reframes to help you get through that experience, even though it will still be challenging and painful. But hopefully we can cut it off there and not make it mean something about us as a person.
0:01:48.37 → 0:02:28.73
Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that today is the last day to access the sale that I've been running, which is 50% off all of my Masterclasses, which are on boundaries, sex and attachment, and navigating anxious, avoidant relationships. Those are all only $44 each and there's heaps of value in them, so definitely cheque them out. If you're interested. You can also get 50% off my Higher Love course, which is a full length six module plus bonuses course on breakups and really moving through a breakup in the healthiest, most supported way possible and coming out the other side better than before.
0:02:28.80 → 0:03:11.13
So if any of those things tickle your fancy, today is the last day to take advantage of that discount and all of that's linked in the show notes. The other quick announcement is just to share the review of the week, which is I discovered Stephanie's podcast by chance a few months ago when I was trying to work out my relationship and had just started therapy. Her soothing voice and her shortened to the point episodes have really helped me reconsider myself as an anxiously attached person and to understand my continuous fear of being abandoned in a sentimental relationship. Understanding other attachment types and learning better ways to interact with an avoidant partner has also brought a certain level of peace and compassion towards myself and my relationship. I couldn't be more grateful for Stephanie's wise and kind words every week.
0:03:11.20 → 0:03:30.12
Thank you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I'm so pleased to hear that. I love how you describe a level of peace and compassion towards yourself and your relationship from diving into this work. I think that is really the goal, and I'm glad to have been able to support you in some small way with the podcast.
0:03:30.26 → 0:04:02.66
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierug.com. My team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this question of I've just seen that my ex has moved on immediately after our breakup, and I can't help but take it personally. So as a starting point, I just want to validate that this sucks, right? It's painful, and it's really easy to feel hurt by that and to feel kind of personally victimised by it.
0:04:02.76 → 0:04:29.80
I just want to really normalise all of those feelings. I think, irrespective of the circumstances of a breakup. Even if you broke up with them, even if it was really amicable, all of that stuff, even if you're kind of comfortable with the breakup and, you know it's the right thing. I think there's always going to be a bit of sting or a little bit of emotional something when we see our ex with someone new. I think that's really normal.
0:04:29.91 → 0:05:03.77
And so the starting point is don't beat yourself up too much for having an emotional response when you see your ex moving on and dating someone new. I think that obviously, if the circumstances are such that they broke up with you, you're really sad about it and you didn't want the relationship to end. It's very fresh and raw and you're still in the thick of it. To see them with someone new in that circumstance is devastating. And again, that's really understandable.
0:05:03.85 → 0:05:26.64
So don't feel like you shouldn't feel that way. Don't judge that feeling because I think that's a very natural thing to feel. What I do want to invite you to reflect on and really monitor is where we take that feeling of I'm really upset about this. I'm hurt, I'm sad, and we make that mean something about us. Okay, so we go, oh, they're dating someone new.
0:05:26.69 → 0:05:37.08
That means that they're not even sad about the relationship ending. They never even cared about me. They never loved me. A whole relationship was a sham. I feel like an idiot because I'm upset and they're not.
0:05:37.45 → 0:05:59.72
This new person that they're dating must be so much better than me, more attractive, more emotionally stable, less needy, whatever. The things I'm telling myself, they're going to make all of the changes with this new person that they wouldn't make for me. Maybe I was actually the problem after all. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for all of those things. All of that stuff.
0:05:59.82 → 0:06:41.26
We can spiral. Now, you may relate to none of that or some of that or all of that, but those are the sorts of things that I hear. And so I just want to shine a light on that and say that's where we cause our own suffering, right? Those stories are where the suffering lives and lives on because we can really get stuck there and spin around in that for a long time because we're taking something that may have very little to do with us a lot of the time and making it mean something about us at a very fundamental level. And that's a surefire way to erode self worth, to beat ourselves when we're already down.
0:06:41.31 → 0:07:14.58
And that's really the opposite of what we need at that time. So with that as an overarching point, the other thing I'll say is there are many, many reasons why someone, some people might move on more quickly than others. Okay, so this is part of the work. Whenever we're looking at the stories we tell ourselves, we can poke holes in our own stories and go, okay, that probably doesn't necessarily mean that I can acknowledge that other versions of this exist. What might they be?
0:07:14.63 → 0:07:26.34
So I'm going to give you some of them. They may not have processed the breakup or their grief, okay? They may have just put a lid on it. They're blocking it out. They're distracting themselves.
0:07:26.44 → 0:07:54.36
They're numbing out whatever they're doing. People process emotions in different ways, particularly if they are more avoidant leaning. They're not going to experience that initial post breakup in the same way that you, as a more anxious leaning person would. So acknowledge that that you can't expect them to have the same process as you. And there's a good chance that if it's very fresh that you'll go in different directions post breakup.
0:07:54.39 → 0:08:36.92
So a more avoidant leaning person is likely to put a lid on those emotions and channel their energy into distraction. Whether that's like throwing themselves into work or becoming very social all of a sudden or taking up a new pursuit or a new hobby, they're going to be putting that energy into something. Whereas a more anxious leaning person is likely to be very in the thick of their emotions and their grief and that feeling of longing and loss with the void that has been created by the relationship ending. So that might be one reason they may not have processed the breakup. Alternatively, they may have been processing it in advance of the relationship ending.
0:08:37.03 → 0:09:15.29
So what often happens is if a relationship is kind of on its last legs for a few months or even years in some cases, there can be a process of disengagement whereby one or both people sort of stop trying. And there's this sense of anticipation that you both know that it's coming. Maybe just one person knows that it's coming and they've made the decision to end the relationship before they actually pull the trigger. And so there is a gradual kind of disconnection and disengagement. Some people, if they've been in that situation, may have been processing their feelings around the relationship ending for a while before it actually did.
0:09:15.41 → 0:10:02.61
And that may mean that they feel kind of okay after the breakup, because the breakup provides more relief than it does grief, at least initially. Again, that's not about you, that's just about someone else's emotional process and the timing of that, the journey that they've been on. The third thing I'd say is you don't really have actual visibility over what they're experiencing, so it's likely that what you know about where they're at is gleaned from social media or word of mouth or mutual friends or even what they might have shared with you. But that's always going to be kind of biassed. You're seeing what they want you to see, you're knowing what they want you to know.
0:10:02.75 → 0:10:17.52
So it's not necessarily the full picture. Right? I'll add the caveat there. That doesn't give you an invitation to go and interrogate them and say, what are you really feeling? Or ruminate on whether they're actually really upset, but they're just not showing it.
0:10:17.65 → 0:10:41.57
It's just to say that we don't really know. So let's not make stories from imperfect information because it's just not helpful for you. What I'll say to sort of wrap this up is please just understand that if you are more anxiously attached, you will tend to spin out post breakup, right? You will really struggle with a breakup. I have an episode from last year on.
0:10:41.66 → 0:11:17.81
Five reasons why anxiously attached people struggle with breakups. And that's definitely a good one to cheque out because I dive into this in more detail there. But please just don't compare your breakup trajectory, your arc, with that of a more avoided leaning partner, because it is just not comparing apples with apples. And it's really, really unhelpful in the same way that in a relationship it's not helpful for me to project my worldview, my experience onto your behaviour and make it mean what it would mean if I did it. You're coming from totally different places, so just understand that your emotional processing is different.
0:11:17.85 → 0:11:48.91
The way that you relate to being in relationship versus being alone is totally different. So please don't expect it to look the same and then spin out and make yourself feel awful and really beat yourself up when they behave differently to how you would after a breakup. As I said, it's not comparing apples with apples. It's not a fair comparison. You have imperfect information, so please don't craft these awful, painful personal stories that exacerbate your pain and keep you stuck.
0:11:49.49 → 0:12:15.12
This is a time post breakup where you really need to be kind to yourself be resourcing yourself to feel safe and comforted and supported rather than inadequate and unworthy and doomed to some sort of life of aloneness because there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Breakups are hard. They're always going to be hard, but you will be okay. It's a tunnel with a light at the end of it.
0:12:15.14 → 0:12:49.47
So just be really kind to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust that you will get through the other side of it. I hope that that's been helpful for the question asker and anyone else who is going through a breakup or has been through a breakup and has told themselves those painful stories about an ex moving on or just seeming fine when they aren't. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a five star rating and a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.
0:12:49.55 → 0:12:50.50
Thanks guys.
0:12:52.87 → 0:13:15.40
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Questions to Assess the Emotional Health of Your Relationship
In this episode, we're talking all about emotional health & safety in relationships. We'll be discussing some guiding principles and questions you can ask to assess how emotionally healthy your relationship is, and most importantly, what you can do to improve the emotional safety of your relationship.
In this episode, we're talking all about emotional health & safety in relationships.
If you've ever wondered what "emotional safety" actually means, look no further - we'll be discussing some guiding principles and questions you can ask to assess how emotionally healthy your relationship is. And most importantly, what you can do to improve the emotional state of your relationship - because let's face it, this is going to be a work in progress for most of us.
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of feeling safe to voice needs, concerns & boundaries
why we should aim to navigate life's challenges as a team
the ability to safely & effectively repair after conflict
why we should be feeling loved, cared for & respected (most of the time!)
how your nervous system can give you insight into your relationship's emotional health
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.33 → 0:01:03.33
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you five questions to ask to assess the emotional health of your relationship. So this is going to be diving into some of the hallmarks of emotional safety, emotional wellbeing, and we could say emotional green flags. Insofar as your connection with your partner is concerned, I think a really important thing to foreground at the outset is, first, that this topic is not intended for people who are in abusive situations or unsafe situations.
0:01:03.43 → 0:01:44.71
If that is the situation you're in, I really encourage you to seek support. That's not something that I can speak to in a podcast episode. It's not the scope of my work. So please take good care of yourself and be discerning. If that's you outside of that situation, please know that if you fall on what we might call the wrong side of the line in terms of the questions that I'm going to pose to you today meaning that you feel like you have a lot of room for improvement on the emotional health front, know that that doesn't mean that you are doomed, that your relationship is terminal, that you are in a toxic dynamic.
0:01:44.76 → 0:03:47.56
Any of those things that might feel stressful to realize, I would encourage you instead to take it as room for improvement, areas for growth, things to focus on, cultivating. Because the unfortunate reality is many of us, dare I say most of us without the knowledge and the tools will have had experiences with these less than perfect emotional safety kind of situations as we'll get into shortly. So those are just some caveats at the outset.
0:03:48.25 → 0:04:50.75
The first question is, do you feel safe and able to express how you're feeling to set a boundary to voice a need, or to give someone feedback without worrying that it's going to blow up or spiral into a fight, or that there will be some other adverse consequence? For example, that the relationship is going to end, that they're going to say they're going to leave, that they're going to say, oh, it's too much, let's not bother. Do you have a level of safety in bringing to your partner whatever it is that you're feeling or needing without having that fear of adverse consequence? So this is obviously really important to the emotional health of a relationship to be able to have that container of whatever is within me - of course, we don't need to give our partner the raw, unfiltered, high charge version of that - but being able to take what we're thinking and feeling to our partner to the extent that there's a conversation that needs to be had, I think this is really foundational.
0:04:50.85 → 0:05:50.46
Because in the absence of this, if we don't have that safety, then what happens? We tend to internalize that, suppress it, get increasingly frustrated, resentful, hurt, lonely, and then usually it comes out sooner or later, but it might look more like a volcanic eruption than a regulated conversation. So when we have that kind of dynamic, it really erodes the emotional health of the relationship and the sense of trust and safety. There something I should say on this one is that sometimes that's anxiety driven on one side. So for anxiously attached people, for example, they may very much struggle to voice those things, not because it actually would blow up into a fight or that their partner would leave them, but there is so much fear and anxiety around being too much, around being a burden, around pushing people away.
0:05:51.25 → 0:06:56.02
A lot of that is kind of mindset stuff and wounding around those stories that it prevents them from ever trying, from ever actually putting that out there, from sort of a hypothetical worst case scenario or fear. So I think it's important, and this probably goes for all of the questions we'll be talking about to ask is this a real thing relationally, or is this predominantly or at least partly my own individual work to do, and it's probably going to be a combination of both. So irrespective of where it's coming from, if you don't feel like you can bring things to the relationship because you think there's going to be some sort of adverse consequence associated with that, that is really going to impede your emotional safety in connection with one another. Okay. The next question is, do you trust that when life gets challenging, you'll be able to tackle those challenges as a team?
0:06:56.63 → 0:07:44.58
Or do things that are hard tend to divide you and turn you into enemies or competitors? So the kinds of things that I'm thinking in this question might be one of you loses your job unexpectedly or you get a challenging health diagnosis, or you have to juggle caring for kids or aging parents or anything like that just the vicissitudes of life. The things that do get in the way, that do make life more stressful and unpredictable, do those things tend to unite or divide you? If they unite you and turn you into a team, brilliant. That's a really good sign for your emotional health, safety and connection in your relationship.
0:07:45.27 → 0:08:59.83
If those things tend to divide you, then that's probably a good sign that when you do get stressed, your tendency is to feel again, if we're going to talk about this through an attachment lens, on the anxious side, you probably feel emotionally abandoned in those moments like you're not getting enough support from your partner. And on the avoidance side, you probably have stories around when things get hard, my impulse, my instinct is to go it alone because that is what I know at my very core, that when things get hard, I turn a bit insular and I just try and tackle that on my own. So if that is your tendency overall in the relationship, that rather than coming together when things get hard, you tend to be divided and sort of in your own lanes, that's something to be aware of and maybe talk about saying, hey, I noticed that when things get hard, it really impacts our connectedness and our sense of collaboration in our relationship. Would you be open to working on that? What are some ways that we could be more supportive of one another when things get hard rather than siloing ourselves and then feeling really alone?
0:09:03.84 → 0:09:37.96
Because I think that that can be a really disconnected experience. Okay. The next question I want to offer you is when you have conflict, as all couples will, if you never have conflict, I would say that is more concerning to me than if you fight regularly, are you able? To safely repair? Or do you tend to have a big fight and then run out of steam and then have some sort of half assed Band Aid apology, sweep it under the rug and then kick it down the road until you have the same fight again?
0:09:39.29 → 0:09:53.91
This is a really good example of most, maybe not most, a lot of couples do this. So if that's you don't panic, don't feel, oh my God, my relationship is terrible. What am I going to do? Should I break up with my partner? No, we can learn these things.
0:09:53.95 → 0:10:23.35
This is skill based, but it is really important and it's an important skill to learn if you want to have a healthy, secure, lasting relationship. So what does safe repair look like? I could do a whole podcast episode on that, and I probably should, but it's things like, oh, okay, can we hear each other in conflict? Can we engage with what the other person is saying? Can we validate their perspective even when their experience of the situation is different to ours?
0:10:23.45 → 0:11:11.87
Can we negotiate and find a healthy middle ground that acknowledges and respects both of our perspectives and our needs? In this situation, are we able to substantively engage with the underlying issues that might have triggered a surface level rupture? So these sorts of conversations, are we able to actually stay in the discomfort of rupture and repair? Or do we just tend to have these big explosive fights and then we kind of run out of steam and don't do anything to actually solve or at least address the underlying concerns? Because I think, as I said, if we don't do that, we will continue to have the same fights.
0:11:11.95 → 0:11:24.77
They might be triggered by different things. So one time it might be, oh, you're home late from work. And the next time it might be, oh, you didn't do the washing up or whatever. Right. It might be the most mundane things and they might be different every time.
0:11:24.89 → 0:12:00.27
But the underlying emotional complaint will be the same until you engage with and address that emotional complaint and it's accompanying need. Okay, so the next question is on the whole, and that's an important introductory qualifier to this question, do you feel loved, cared for, respected, and listened to in the relationship? So this is really a foundational right to secure relationships. We all want to feel loved, seen, understood. I could add those in there cared for, respected, listened to.
0:12:00.47 → 0:12:35.77
That is really at the heart of healthy relationships, of secure relationships. The reason that on the whole is important is that you aren't going to feel all of those things in every moment of every day actively from your partner. But when we can zoom out and go, what is the overall feeling tone of this relationship? Do I feel loved and cared for? Do I trust that my partner loves me, cares for me, respects me, and will listen to me, sees me, understands me?
0:12:35.89 → 0:13:24.99
Those really are such foundational needs as humans that I think having that overall impression of your partner and your connection with them in the relationship is important. I think when we don't feel all of those things on balance again overall, then that's a sign that we either have some real work to do around that going, okay, what would I need to feel loved, cared for, respected, understood? What are the things that are preventing me from feeling that? And how can we take really actionable steps towards me feeling that? And if you're not feeling that, there's a good chance your partner is not feeling that either.
0:13:25.14 → 0:14:14.72
Because these things, I think oftentimes when we're not feeling any of those things, we might be withholding that from our partner, from a place of self protection. So getting really honest with ourselves and this is probably a harder question to be honest about, depending on where you fall. And then if we are committed to the relationship and we do really want to work on the relationship, taking this one pretty seriously because I think it's going to be hard to sustain a relationship in which you don't, generally speaking, feel loved, cared for, understood, respected, listened to, et cetera. Okay, last but not least, how does your nervous system feel in their company? You know, I love looking at and working with the nervous system and weaving that into an understanding of our emotional experience.
0:14:15.57 → 0:15:17.76
So I think that when our nervous system feels at ease, feels safe, feels regulated in their company, that they are a natural co regulator for us, meaning that our systems sort of soothe each other and are a signal of safety to one another. That's a really good sign because our nervous system, our autonomic nervous system is subcortical, meaning it sits below our thinking brain, our prefrontal cortex. And so underneath all of the analysis and all of the thinking and overthinking and ruminating that we can do, there is this fundamental question of how does my nervous system perceive this person? Now, again, some of this will be historical. Meaning if you have had difficult relationships in the past, if you have trauma, then there might be a lot of projection going on there.
0:15:17.81 → 0:16:10.90
You might feel relationships broadly are unsafe, and therefore your nervous system registers your partner as threatening or unsafe, even if that is not in fact the case. So the fact that your nervous system perceives your partner is threatening and you feel anxious or shut down in their company, that's not necessarily a sign that your partner is in fact dangerous. But I think it's a really good sign in terms of the emotional health of the relationship. If your nervous system feels at ease in their company and if it doesn't, again, it's not terminal. There's absolutely things that you can do both individually and relationally to work on that, to provide more evidence of safety so that your nervous system can settle and that you can reap the rewards of that beautiful nourishing co regulation that we all need.
0:16:11.59 → 0:16:33.64
Okay, so that was five questions to assess the emotional health of your relationship. I hope that that's been helpful. I'll just quickly recap those. The first one was do you feel safe in expressing how you're feeling, setting a boundary voicing needs, and giving feedback without worrying that it will blow up into a fight? Do you trust that when life gets challenging and throws unexpected things your way, you'll be able to tackle that as a team?
0:16:33.69 →0:17:00.83
Or do those things usually divide you and turn you into enemies or competitors? When conflict does occur, are you able to safely repair or do you usually sweep things under the rug and put a bandaid on them until the next time you have the same fight? On the whole, do you feel loved, cared for, respected, and listened to in the relationship? And does your nervous system feel at ease in their company? Okay, guys, I really hope that this has been helpful for you.
0:17:00.87 → 0:18:06.82
As I said, don't despair if you feel like you've got some work to do based on those guiding questions. This is kind of the whole point of this work, right? That a lot of us do have work to do there, and it is ongoing work, but it is really fruitful, worthwhile, rewarding work, and it is within reach for all of us if we're willing to put in the time and effort to make it so.
‘We’ve been together a year and I’ve just seen he’s still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?”
"We've been together a year and I've just seen he's still using Tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?" Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
Today's episode is a community Q&A, and I'm answering a hard question about rebuilding after discovering a breach of trust.
WHAT WE COVER:
things to look for when deciding whether to stay & rebuild after infidelity
the importance of the other person taking ownership & responsibility for the harm caused
what it really takes to rebuild trust
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
For a deeper dive on deciding whether to stay or go, check out Episode 19 of the show (Should I Stay or Should I Go?).
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:29.13 → 0:00:43.45
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm answering the question. We've been together a year, and I've just seen he's still using tinder. Can trust be rebuilt?
0:00:43.95 → 0:01:16.26
So this is a big one, and whoever's question this was, I got this one via Instagram. I'm sending you out a lot of love because obviously that's a pretty shitty situation to be in. So I'm going to be diving into that can trust be rebuilt? And the circumstances under which you might want or not want to go through that process with someone. Some questions to ask yourself, some things to look out for, and some guiding principles in my mind on how to make that decision and how to embark on that process together.
0:01:17.43 → 0:01:47.96
Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which says tell everyone you know Stephanie is the voice you've been looking for. She's distilled the weightiness of attachment theory into easy to digest chunks that can be applied to real life immediately. Though I previously felt I understood attachment, I was operating with an incomplete image for the first time. I not only know my attachment style, but what I can do about it to connect and empathise more deeply with those I care about. And honestly, I would listen just for a voice more regulating than any meditation I know.
0:01:48.06 → 0:02:13.73
I've told everyone I know about this podcast, and I think you will, too. It's truly important work, and Stephanie brings wonderful clarity and compassion to this project. Thank you so much for that lovely review. I really do appreciate it, and I appreciate you sharing with the people in your life. Word of mouth goes such a long way for those of us putting our work out into the world and trying to build small businesses, so I really do appreciate it so much.
0:02:13.85 → 0:02:54.16
If that was your review, if you could just send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you. Another quick announcement is just to let you know that I'm running a flash sale on all of my Master classes and my Higher Love course. So you're able to save 50%, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on these with the code loveyou. One word that includes my better boundaries masterclass, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships. Those three are all recordings of Live Masterclasses that I ran late last year.
0:02:54.21 → 0:03:19.88
They're about 2 hours each. And also my Higher Love course, which is a breakup course. It's six modules it's very comprehensive and equips you with everything that you need to get through a breakup and emerge stronger and more confident and more sure of yourself. So all of those are really great options. And as I said, those are the lowest prices that I've ever offered those for.
0:03:19.93 → 0:04:01.02
So if you've been thinking about going deeper with my work, now is a really good time to do that. Okay, so let's dive into this question of can trust be rebuilt after an infidelity, after a betrayal, in this case, having been together for a year and finding out that your partner is still on Tinder. So I think there are a couple of threshold issues here. Obviously, the first one is not can trust be rebuilt, but do I want to rebuild trust? The reality is that, unfortunately, betrayal infidelity dishonesty and relationships is shockingly common.
0:04:01.95 → 0:05:01.84
And unfortunately, it's something that many of us will have to deal with if we haven't already, through the course of our lives and relationships. I think what that means is that in reality, a lot of people do stay together and work through breaches of trust, betrayal, infidelity, and it can be done. I very much believe that it can be done, but I think we also have to be really clear about what that rebuilding process takes because it takes a lot. And in your case, you've been together for a year, and if your partner has been on Tinder that whole time that you've been together, query whether that is a breach of trust that you want to be working through. And I say that with curiosity for you and not knowing any more about the situation than what was included in the question.
0:05:02.37 → 0:05:21.35
Some of the things I'd be looking for personally are what's the context for this? What's the explanation? Did you discover that by sort of seeing the app on their phone? What have you confronted him about it? And if so, what is his explanation
0:05:21.45 → 0:06:12.22
Is he apologetic? Has hed any light on why he decided to do that and what that's actually led to, whether he's been meeting up with people, whether he's been sleeping with people, all of these things. I think we need to understand the gravity of the situation. I think one of the most important things to be considering when thinking about going through that repair process after infidelity is how much responsibility is this person taking? And if their response is to explain, to justify, to defend, to minimise, to downplay the severity of that, to come up with reasons why it's not that bad, that would be a red flag for me.
0:06:12.24 → 0:06:44.93
That would be something that would signal to me they're not really taking this seriously. They're not going to be willing to put in the work that it's going to take to rebuild trust here. And the work that it will take will be big. The reality is that the person who has done that, who has breached trust, has to go over and above to repair. They have to own their mistake, they have to own the consequences of their poor decision and the pain that they've caused.
0:06:45.03 → 0:07:47.85
So they have to be willing to maybe sacrifice some freedoms and some privacy and they have to bear the consequences of you not trusting them for a while, because that is the natural consequence of their behaviour. So if that means that you are uncomfortable with certain things, if you're suspicious, if you want lots of details and you want transparency I think that they need to be open to those conversations and they need to really realise that it's not status quo, it's not ordinary course kind of boundaries and negotiation, that they might not get as much privacy for a period of time because they've lost that right to privacy on account of their behaviour. And it's really on them to help you to be able to trust them again. I think a lot of people are hard on themselves and go, oh, I have trust issues because I was cheated on and that's a me problem. Yes and no, right?
0:07:47.94 → 0:08:27.68
We can do our own work around that, but a lot of it is going to be on the other person to help you to feel safe again, to ask you, what would you need from me by way of behaviour actions? Reassurance accountability in order to know that this isn't going to happen again and that you can trust me. And that needs to be a process that's really led by them. It shouldn't be coming from you, you being the one that's leading the charge on rebuilding the trust. I think they've got to, again, take ownership and responsibility for the harm that they've caused and be the one to lead that process.
0:08:28.37 → 0:09:18.01
So I'd be looking for signs of responsibility, taking signs for acknowledgement of the gravity of what they've done and willingness to engage, to talk about it, to repair. And that takes a lot, right? That's not an easy thing to do because I'm sure that they feel most people would feel a lot of shame and guilt and we tend to shy away from things that leave us in a shame and guilt spiral. That's not nice for anyone to have to sit with and to have to look at the impact that our poor choices have had. The shame that comes with that is not comfortable and so it's going to take a level of emotional maturity on their part to be with their own guilt and shame around what they've done, rather than to shy away from it, to dismiss it, to not want to talk about it.
0:09:18.13 → 0:09:49.11
Because I think for a lot of people, that's what happens, they just don't want to talk about it. They say things like, can't we just move on? Can't we just start fresh? And while we can understand why they would want that, it's really not sensitive to the other person's experience, who has been betrayed, who has had this real breach of trust and all of the pain and hurt that comes with that. So I hope that that gives you something to work with and to think about, things to look for in their response.
0:09:49.53 → 0:10:49.26
And I guess the hard truth is in the absence of those things, in the absence of this person taking responsibility and being willing to go above and beyond, to repair and to sacrifice certain things in order to support you in getting back to a place of trust and safety, then it may be that they're not really ready to be in that kind of relationship. And the hard truth is that it may happen again because if they're not really engaging with the severity and the magnitude of what they've done, and if they're not willing to face their guilt and shame, they're not willing to do the work to inquire around, why did I do that? What drove me to think that that was okay? All of these patterns, so much of the time, infidelity is driven by our own shadow and our own demons. And if someone's not willing to look inside and go, why did I do that?
0:10:49.71 → 0:11:16.82
What drove me to do that? What's going on for me that compelled me to behave in that way, then there's a good chance that it will continue to happen. Because as I said, I think so often infidelity is driven by our own woundedness. And so until they're ready to do the work there, there's a good chance that that will continue to happen. As I said at the start, I'm sending you so much love.
0:11:16.87 → 0:11:33.32
It's not a nice situation to be in. It's painful, it's hard, it's confusing. But I hope that this has given you something to sit with and some support. And I think the most important thing for you is to honour yourself here. Honour what you need.
0:11:33.37 → 0:12:25.27
And try not to agree to something less than what you truly need to rebuild trust just for the sake of holding onto the relationship because that's ultimately going to work against you in the long run, and it's going to cause you more hurt and pain in the long term. So try and stand your ground, try and honour yourself, get really clear around what you would need and then if this person is not able to meet you there, then maybe it's not a relationship worth persisting in and pursuing. I hope that this has been helpful for you. The question asker and for anyone else listening who has wondered about rebuilding trust or has faced a similar situation of infidelity, if it has been helpful, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating, a review. As always, it's much appreciated.
5 Tips for Rebuilding After a Long-Term Relationship Ends
In this episode, I'm sharing 5 tips for rebuilding after a long-term relationship ends. Let's face it: break-ups are painful at the best of times. But when the relationship was a long-term one, it can be even more challenging to navigate our "new" life without our ex in it. I'll be sharing tips to support you through the life cycle of your break-up - from the initial grieving process all the way through to re-entering the dating world.
In this episode, I'm sharing 5 tips for rebuilding after a long-term relationship ends.
Let's face it: break-ups are painful at the best of times. But when the relationship was a long-term one, it can be even more challenging to navigate our "new" life without our ex in it. I'll be sharing tips to support you through the life cycle of your break-up - from the initial grieving process all the way through to re-entering the dating world.
WHAT WE COVER:
how to grieve your break-up in a healthy way
why it's important to have support people around you
using your break-up as an opportunity to spring clean your life
how to step outside your comfort zone
tips for starting to date again
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.77 → 0:01:03.59
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship. So this was a topic that was requested by my Instagram community, and it's one that I know a lot of people struggle with, and certainly I've struggled with myself. I think that long term relationships ending can be very destabilising, and it's certainly a time and an experience when we can feel really filled with doubt and inner conflict and confusion and mixed feelings.
0:01:03.77 → 0:01:55.58
And so I'm hoping that today's episode will give you some clarity, some guiding principles, some tools, and some mindset shifts to navigate that process with greater self trust and greater trust in the process itself, which I think is really what it comes down to. I should also say that even though I will be speaking more so in the context of a long term relationship, all of the tips I'm going to share would equally apply to any breakup or ending. So if you've just come out of a relationship that wasn't long term, that was only a couple of months and you're still really feeling it and still having a hard time, rest assured that you can apply and adapt, if need be. The tools and the advice that I'm going to be sharing today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:55.64 → 0:02:18.94
The first being that I am holding a flash sale on my Master classes and my Higher Love course. It's 50% off, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on those. And you can get any of my Master classes. So better boundaries, which is all about boundaries, go figure how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and sex and attachments. So those are the three Master classes.
0:02:18.97 → 0:02:35.35
They're about 2 hours each. And my Higher Love course is a breakup course. And that's six modules. Fully self paced, self study, so you get instant access to all of it when you sign up. So you can use the code Love you loveyou at checkout to access that discount.
0:02:35.40 → 0:03:01.63
And I'll link all of that in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I stumbled across this show by accident a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. The podcast has helped me understand my own attachment style, and the sense of relief I now feel is massive. I finally know why I feel anxious and most importantly, what I need to do to become more secure. In fact, I've already started on this journey via the podcast and I've never before felt such a sense of calm.
0:03:01.68 → 0:03:27.15
I can finally relax. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with Stephanie's podcast at the centre. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really love hearing that and it brings a big smile to my face. I think that your experience really speaks to the fact that so often what we need is just to be told you make sense, your experience makes sense, you're not crazy, you're not defective, you're not broken.
0:03:27.81 → 0:03:57.75
And understanding like, oh, other people are like me. And I feel understood and I feel like there's an explanation for all of this and there's a path forward. I think that in and of itself, before you even start taking those steps forward, is incredibly, as you say, relieving and calming to the system. So I'm so glad that that's been your experience. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned earlier.
0:03:58.49 → 0:04:42.42
Okay, so let's dive into these five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. The first tip that I want to offer you is allow yourself the time and space to grieve however you need to. I think collectively we're pretty uncomfortable with grief, whether that's grief after death or after any other ending. And I think it's really important to understand that the grieving process after a breakup is really biologically akin to any other type of grief. Obviously it can show up in different ways and circumstances will influence that, but it can take you through emotionally the same kind of process.
0:04:42.55 → 0:05:38.83
And so I think we need to approach it and honour it as such. What that means in Practise is allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Granted, you may not be able to take three months off work to stay in your pyjamas and cry all day, and that's certainly not what I'd be encouraging you to do anyway, but allowing yourself the time and space to be with whatever emotions are arising, and oftentimes those emotions will be conflicting. And so preparing yourself for that without making it mean more than it does. So it is perfectly normal to feel doubt, confusion, second guessing whether it was the right thing to do, longing for that person, wanting to reach out to them, rehashing everything that happened, anxiety, confusion, all of these things are completely normal, expected parts of the breakup experience and that grieving process.
0:05:38.92 → 0:06:20.63
And that's true irrespective of whether the relationship was healthy or unhealthy, whether the breakup was a long time coming or happened quite suddenly, we're going to go through some sort of grieving process and that's likely to come in waves. It's unlikely to be linear. And so I think the more we can go into that experience, expecting it, expecting it to be emotionally dense and turbulent, expecting it to come in waves, the less likely we are to take that experience and make it mean something. Because this is where I see people get stuck every single time we go, oh my God, I missed them so much. This cannot be the right decision.
0:06:20.97 → 0:06:47.55
If this were the right decision, there's no way that I would miss them this much or we're both so upset. Doesn't that mean that we should be trying to make it work? Maybe, but also probably not. If I'm being really honest, I think I have another episode on questions to ask before getting back together with someone that you can scroll back and find. But what I always say as a starting point is if it's just missing them, then that's not enough.
0:06:47.62 → 0:07:34.41
That's not enough of a reason to go back or to take any action with those feelings. Because missing someone is a completely normal, predictable response to a long term relationship ending. Again, any relationship ending, but especially a long term one. Because when you've been with someone for a long time, there is inherently a level of comfort and stability and predictability that you get from that relationship. Even if that relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy and not working, that's still an anchor point in your life, that you come to navigate the world via all of your daily routines and habits and what you do, how you move about the world is influenced and shaped by the relationship.
0:07:34.61 → 0:07:56.83
So when that gets taken out, you're going to feel the lack of it, you're going to feel the void and that is going to be uncomfortable. So again, being really realistic with our expectations so that we can go, okay, I really miss them. I feel really knocked off centre here. I want to reach out to them. I feel lonely, I feel sad going, yeah, okay, of course I do.
0:07:56.87 → 0:08:07.87
Of course I feel those things. That makes perfect sense. That's part of the process. Okay? It's like if you injured yourself and you felt pain, you would expect to feel pain because that's part of the process.
0:08:08.04 → 0:08:46.41
That's what's going on here. And we need to allow ourselves to feel that without frantically trying to fix or solve or make it go away. So the first one there is allow yourself to grieve without making it mean more than it does or getting stuck in the stories that can spring from those big emotions. The next one that I want to offer you is to really lean on your support people here and that will look different for everyone. But whether that's close friends who you really trust, therapist or other professional that you see family members, it's really important for a couple of reasons.
0:08:46.46 → 0:09:34.26
I think there can be a temptation to isolate ourselves again if we're not comfortable with all of the big emotions and particularly if you're someone who has a bit of a tendency to not want to burden people with your stuff. If you're used to being the support person to others, you're used to playing the carer role, then it might be really uncomfortable for the shoe to be on the other foot, for you to be in need of that support when you're so accustomed to saying, I'm fine, don't worry about me. But the reality is you do need support in this period because, again, one of the key people in your life has been taken away and they are no longer in the picture. And so you're going to need to diversify where you would usually get that support from. So don't be afraid to ask for help, to ask for support.
0:09:35.11 → 0:10:26.71
The other key piece in this one is from a nervous system point of view, you need active and regular reminders that people in relationships are good and safe and positive, that you are loved, that you can be held by other people and supported, that you can be cared for. That's very nourishing to your system and will really counter any other stories you might have around the unsafety of being alone. Again, this is particularly for people who do struggle with being alone. So people who tend more towards anxious attachment, you may have quite a lot of visceral fear around the aloneness that comes with a breakup. And so countering that by going, okay, actually, as much as my fear stories in my body want to tell me that I'm alone, and that's terrifying, I'm not alone.
0:10:26.81 → 0:10:52.54
I've got all these people around me who care about me, who are invested in my well being, who I can lean on and be held by. And so maybe as much as my body wants to tell me that this is really unsafe and we need to do something about it, which might mean reaching out to your ex and trying to backpedal on everything, no, it's okay. I have other options. I have other support people. Here they are, and I'm going to be okay.
0:10:52.59 → 0:11:30.22
I can resource myself to get through this period in a way that is grounded, that is supported, and I don't need to go into a really fear based state, even more so than I might already be, by isolating myself. Okay, the third tip that I want to give you is see this period as an opportunity to spring clean your life. So this will start to come in a little bit further down the track. I don't expect you on day three, after the breakup to start reinventing yourself. And to be clear, you don't ever have to reinvent yourself.
0:11:30.67 → 0:11:54.51
There's nothing wrong with you, right? But I think that it can be really nice and can give you a sense of renewal and agency over the story and your role in it to go. Okay. This is an opportunity right. To see it as a fresh start as a new chapter, as a new beginning.
0:11:54.59 → 0:12:17.63
And to step into that in a really empowered, deliberate way, rather than floating around rutterless going, oh, my God. How has this happened? I'm alone. I can't live without them, what am I ever going to do? Obviously that's not a very empowered story and doesn't really allow you to get intentional about what you want your life to look like in this next chapter and beyond.
0:12:17.73 → 0:12:56.14
So see it as an opportunity to sprinkle in your life, to rediscover yourself again, particularly if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment or you otherwise know that you tend to really lose yourself in a relationship, so you tend to sort of become subsumed to the relationship container. This is a really great opportunity to carve out, like, who am I? What do I like? What would my ideal be if I weren't always thinking about someone else and what they like and what they're comfortable with? How do I want my space to look?
0:12:56.24 → 0:13:08.59
What do I like to do with my free time? What food do I like to eat? What shows do I like to watch? What do I want to spend my weekends doing right? When we're so accustomed to factoring in someone else?
0:13:08.68 → 0:13:49.27
And potentially, if that's your tendency to defer to what their preference is, we can lose sight of that. And so this is actually a really, really beautiful opportunity for you to make it about you for once. So relish in that opportunity, relish in the freedom that this period can afford you. So don't waste that or lose sight of it, or be so distracted by the hard parts of the experience that you aren't noticing all of the positives. The next tip that I want to offer you is become the most fully expressed version of yourself that you can.
0:13:49.34 → 0:14:21.71
So this is kind of in a similar vein to the previous one, but become more of yourself. So if the previous one was around, kind of revamping your surroundings and your routines and all of that to suit you, this one's about becoming more of you. So doing things that once would have scared you or doing things that you never thought that you could or that you've always wanted to, but you thought, no, I couldn't do that, right? Maybe you could, right? Challenge yourself.
0:14:21.86 → 0:14:51.56
Learn to overcome those fears or nerves or embarrassment or shame or any of those other things that have held you back from doing things that you've always been curious about or interested in. Right? So again, it's kind of easy and it's not a bad thing. I think it's just true, right, that it's easy to get lazy and really comfortable and cosy in a long term relationship. I think that a lot of us who are in long term relationships can relate to that, right?
0:14:51.69 → 0:15:41.25
That it's easy to get a bit complacent around the way we spend our time. So see this period as an invitation, a permission slip to really broaden your horizons and live a little. So whether that's like taking up a new hobby, going to cooking classes, or challenging yourself physically, starting to work with a personal trainer or taking up a new sport or starting running or something that you've previously thought wasn't like you or you didn't have time for or would be too hard. I think all of those things can be really powerful in building up your self worth, your sense of self and your self confidence as you enter into this next chapter. So reflect on what would be the things.
0:15:41.34 → 0:16:16.68
Maybe it's just one or two things at the moment. How could I infuse some newness or stretch my comfort zone a little so that I'm becoming more of who I am and particularly in ways that I felt I couldn't when I was in a relationship? So stretch out that comfort zone, okay? And the last tip that I want to give you is when it comes time to date, and that might not be for a while, so please don't expect yourself to be back out there in a month, particularly if it's a long term relationship and there's a lot of processing to do. There is absolutely no rush here.
0:16:17.61 → 0:16:56.58
Expect to relapse, for want of a better term. So you might be feeling like super upbeat and positive and excited to get back out into the dating world and then maybe you download one of the apps and you feel really deflated and defeated and hopeless all of a sudden. Or you go on a couple of dates and it's underwhelming. Okay? Expect that it's going to be a bit of a process and don't expect to find your soulmate or the next person you're going to be in a long term relationship with on your first date or your first interaction on an app.
0:16:56.70 → 0:17:29.80
You need to be kind of bracing yourself for the process of dating, being hit and miss and being trial and error, and go into that with an open mind, with good humour. And again, try and see it as an opportunity rather than this drudgery, this frustrating thing that you reluctantly have to do in order to meet someone. Try and enjoy the process as much as possible. Try and approach it with a mindset of, oh, look at all these people that I get to meet. What a great opportunity.
0:17:29.93 → 0:18:02.72
That's all it has to be, right? And when I say expect to relapse, what I mean is expect to be reminded of your ex in ways that you might not have been in the intervening period. So I think it's really normal and natural to have felt like you were over them. And then you go on a date with someone and they have a trait that annoys you and you're like, oh, my ex would never have done that. We always used to laugh at people who did that or dressed like that or said things like that or liked that thing.
0:18:02.90 → 0:18:26.19
I miss them. Or you might just miss how comfortable and easeful it felt with your ex. Whereas with all these new people. You're starting from scratch and it feels difficult, and you don't know each other yet, and it's a bit awkward, and so you really just miss and crave the comfort of the comfy pair of jeans that you've worn in rather than the stiff new ones. It's really normal to feel that way.
0:18:26.26 → 0:18:53.15
And again, try not to make too much meaning out of it. Comparing new people with old people is a completely normal thing to do, so don't then go. Maybe that means that my ex is actually the right person for me. Stay the course, stick with the process, trust in the process, and know that you'll get more comfortable with it. And as time goes by, you'll get to know new people, and what starts as being a little bit awkward and uncomfortable will slowly become more comfortable.
0:18:53.20 → 0:19:17.64
Right? There was a time where you didn't know your ex and you were in that same place with them. So just allow things to blossom and grow rather than writing them off straight out of the gate from a place of comparison or fear or anxiety or whatever else might be driving that response in you. Okay, so those were five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. I hope that that has been helpful.
0:19:17.78 → 0:19:55.55
I did try to give you a bit of a spectrum there of advice ranging from very early in the process, post breakup, to that kind of midway point where you're starting to emerge from the darkness and rebuild and then ultimately going towards potentially dating again. So I hope that that's given you a lot to work with, no matter where you are in that process. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating or a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much, and I'm deeply, deeply appreciative of all of you who have been taking the time to do that recently.
0:19:55.65 → 0:20:16.62
It's very touching and humbling to me. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I will see you again later in the week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com.
0:20:16.75 → 0:20:26.28
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to to see you again soon.
“How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so we can do the work?”
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
In this episode, I'm answering a question I receive all the time which is: "How do I tell my partner they are avoidant so that we can start doing the work?"
WHAT WE COVER:
the importance of being honest & self-aware about our intentions in introducing a partner to personal development work
navigating anxious attachment tendencies around the saviour complex, over-functioning and taking responsibility for what's not ours
why "the work" might look different for everyone
how to approach conversations about relational growth in a productive, balanced & healthy way
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:28.49 → 0:01:04.43
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a Q and A, and I'm going to be answering the question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? So this is a question that I answered on my Instagram stories earlier in the week and that a lot of people responded to and related to. And so I wanted to unpack it here and dive in in greater detail because obviously my ability to address the nuances of that question are somewhat limited in a 1 minute Instagram story.
0:01:04.58 → 0:01:35.62
So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review, which is on Attachment is like a shining lighthouse in the middle of a dark storm. Stephanie's not only opened my eyes to attachment theory and helped me learn about myself, but has also provided me guidance and clarity at times when my mind is racing about my relationship. Stephanie's voice is so soothing and easy to listen to, it could be on a meditation app. Stephanie structures her podcast in parts that are easy to follow, and her explanations are easy to comprehend.
0:01:35.76 → 0:02:02.79
Thank you, Stephanie. You've been my guiding light on my journey to becoming secure. Thank you so much for that beautiful and very poetic review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice and for anyone else listening. If you haven't left a review before, I would so appreciate if you could take a minute or so to do that on Apple podcasts.
0:02:02.97 → 0:02:56.04
It is a huge help, and I have to say I've received so many beautiful reviews recently that I've really been spoiled for choice in selecting one to read out. And if I haven't read yours out, but you have left a review, please know that I've read every single one, and I really am so appreciative and touched by all of them. They're very humbling, and I feel very grateful for you. The other quick announcement is, just to let you know, in case you didn't hear earlier in the week, I've created a new Instagram account for the podcast so you can find it on Attachment. This is a place where you can get more podcast content if you really love the show and you want to see more of it in your feed, exclusive videos and stuff like that, it would be a huge help to me if you could follow along and share it with the people in your life and your community.
0:02:56.57 → 0:03:40.74
It all helps in getting the word out and helping the podcast continue to grow. Okay, so let's dive into this somewhat complicated, multilayered, messy question of how can you tell your partner that they're avoidant so that you can start doing the work? There are a few parts and pieces to this and I want to do it justice. I think the starting point is that we really need to tread carefully here. And I don't mean that in the sense of tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, I mean in the sense of having a lot of honesty and self awareness around our motivation for doing that.
0:03:41.67 → 0:04:22.88
A tendency that I observe in a lot of anxiously attached people and that I'm 100% guilty of myself. And I really need to, even now, monitor in myself is the tendency to kind of overfunction and take responsibility for other people's work, for other people's emotional experience and almost to think that I know more about their experience. Than they do and that I know what they need more than they know what they need. And to try and almost take care of that for them. And that's a really easy place to go for a lot of anxious people, but it also costs you a lot.
0:04:23.43 --> 0:05:57.72
So I think that I've spoken many times before about the saviour complex that streak in anxious people, that gravitates towards people who they see as needing their help in some way, making someone their project and thinking that particularly with more avoidant partners, I think anxious people tend to view them as emotionally underdeveloped, as needing nurturance. And so anxious people can self appoint in that way as the therapist, coach, mentor, almost nurture a figure for their avoidant partners in doing the work of becoming more secure and feeling more safe in relationships. And while I think there can be pure intention behind that, I think there can also be a shadow side to it. I think there can be aspects of it that are maybe selfserving, that are maybe controlling, that are maybe manipulative, that are maybe pretty critical of the person as they are today and really feeling like you need to turn them into someone other than who they are in order for them to be acceptable, in order for you to have this relationship. And so I think there can be a real tendency to hold on to the idea of who someone could
0:05:57.74 → 0:05:59.92
be rather than the person that they are.
0:06:00.61 → 0:07:57.08
And I think that when we have that dynamic in a relationship, it's not really helpful for anyone, because the person on the receiving end of it feels that they feel that rejection, they feel that criticism, they feel that disapproval from their partner, even if their partner means well and wants the relationship to grow into something that feels healthier and more connected. Oftentimes from the avoidant perspective, knowing what we do about avoidant attachment, that for many avoidant people, there is a lot of woundedness and sensitivity around feeling defective in some way or feeling like a failure, feeling like nothing they do is good enough. And so when they're having this kind of energy of you need to change in order for our relationship to work, that's oftentimes going to strike a nerve for an avoidant person that's going to really go to the heart of a lot of their deepest insecurities and so might elicit quite a big protective, defensive response.
I think another thing I'd say here is even if your personal view, approach perspective is not one that villainizes avoidant people and I hope that that's the case that's really important in the approach that I teach and the messaging of my work. The reality is that a lot of content out there does villainize avoidant people and does really paint them as the problem, as the bad character, as selfish, as narcissistic, as cold, all of these very charged and judgmental words and associations that are there.
0:07:57.85 → 0:09:01.36
Earlier this week I saw a very popular large Instagram account with over a million followers refer to avoidant people as dangerous, which I just thought was incredible that that could be put out there for so many people to consume. But the reality is when that's kind of the tone of the conversation in a lot of these mainstream spaces, is it any surprise that you going to your partner and saying you're avoidant and we need to do something about it that's going to come with the weight of all of those conversations. So even if that's not your intention, let's just be mindful of the fact that that is a common conception misconception, I would say, around avoidant people. And so it's kind of understandable and natural that someone might push back against that and not really be receptive to you whacking that label on them. So those are just a few things to bear in mind to reframe what might feel like frustration on your side.
0:09:01.43 → 0:10:06.35
If you do have a more avoidant leaning partner and you do want to be able to talk to them about attachment and the dynamics that exist in your relationship and where there might be scope for growth. Just be mindful of that backdrop, both for your own sake in terms of where it's coming from in you and what it might cost you and your system to take on that job of overfunctioning responsibility, taking nurturer, coach, therapist, and also what it must feel like for them to be on the receiving end of that. In the context of all of the stuff that we know gets discussed about avoidance attachment that is not very favourable or compassionate. With all of that being said, I want to make really clear that I'm not suggesting that that means you just need to kind of suck it up and not have any expectations. Not talk to your partner about dynamics in your relationship that might not be working very well, that you're not allowed to talk about growth with them.
0:10:06.50 → 0:10:43.51
That's certainly not what I'm saying. I think we just need to be mindful of how we approach those conversations. And a few tips that I'd offer you, don't be too attached to, pardon the pun, the labels of it or the way that the work needs to look. So even though attachment theory might really resonate with you and you might love doing online courses and you might want to follow all the instagram accounts and stuff, that's not everyone's cup of tea and that's okay, that doesn't mean that they don't care about growing together. It just might look different to you.
0:10:43.55 → 0:11:39.94
And I think we need to have some open mindedness and flexibility, because if we're looking for them to be behaving exactly as we would again, that's just a little bit self centred and it's a little bit controlling, in that we're trying to define what their journey should look like by reference to what we think our journey should look like. So allowing someone to walk their own path while still hopefully being able to have conversations around things that might not be working or things that could use improvement. Another thing that I think is really important and helpful is to frame it as an us thing rather than a them thing. So it's not like you're avoidant and you need to go read all of the books and stop being so avoidant because your avoidance is the problem here. Again, that's an attack and it's going to elicit defensiveness that is just very reliable.
0:11:40.00 → 0:12:12.76
And I'm sure that if you were getting that kind of energy from them, you'd get defensive as well. So I think that rather than me versus you, anxious versus avoidant or whatever, it's like, oh, there are some things between us where we get stuck. I've noticed that we get into these patterns. Would you be open to us talking about ways we might be able to navigate that better so that we can avoid having these big ineffective fights? Because I can assure you that your avoidant partner doesn't like those cycles either.
0:12:13.21 → 0:13:06.37
They don't like, you know, those big emotional upsets and ruptures and then the ineffective repair conversations that drag on for 2 hours. I promise you that that's not what they want either. So I think the more that you can frame it as us against the problem rather than me against you, that's going to be a much more palatable entry point into a conversation for anyone. But certainly for an avoidant partner, I think another thing you can do is lead with your own acknowledgment of your stuff, right? Because again, I think there is a tendency for anxious people to go you have this thing, there's a name for what you are and here are all of the problems with that, here are all the behavioural manifestations of it and here's what you need to do about it.
0:13:06.57 → 0:13:24.49
I think if you can go, I'm totally guilty of this. This is who I am. I notice a lot of myself in these patterns and that drives all of these behaviours in me. And I totally recognise that that must be kind of challenging for you and I'm really sorry for that. I'm going to work on it.
0:13:24.69 → 0:14:21.26
Take responsibility for your side of the street and kind of lead by example there, because I think the more you can do that again, it reinforces that it's not you on your high horse, diagnosing them with some sort of defect and telling them that they need to change or else no one's going to respond well to that. So I think that the more that you can implement those things and go into any conversation with kind of clean intentions and clean energy, I think that will serve you in really good stead. So, just to sum up, it's not about never approaching conversations with an avoidant partner about change or growth. I would never suggest that my partner leans avoidant and we do a lot of growth work on an ongoing basis. So it's not to say that you just can't touch that.
0:14:21.39 → 0:15:04.23
It's just being really mindful of the way that you approach it, for your own sake, for their sake, for the sake of your relationship. Because just telling them that they're avoidant and then expecting them to walk the same path and trajectory as you might in your own process of becoming more secure and shifting patterns can veer very quickly into that overfunctioning responsibility, taking controlling territory, and that tends not to end well. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you some food for thought, some things to reflect upon. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a rating and a review. I really appreciate it so much.
0:15:04.32 → 0:15:20.10
And just another reminder to follow along on Instagram, the new account at On Attachment. All of that is linked in the show notes. Okay, guys, thanks so much for joining me. I will see you again next week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
0:15:20.21 --> 0:15:39.14
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can follow me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Reasons You Might Struggle to Apologise
In this episode, we're talking all about apologies - and specifically, why they might feel so hard sometimes. Being able to apologise is so fundamental to healthy repair, but for many of us, can feel inexplicably challenging. After listening to today's episode, my hope is that you'll have greater clarity around why apologies can feel so hard, and how to address the underlying resistance so you can foster greater connection and emotional maturity in your relationships.
In this episode, we're talking all about apologies - and specifically, why they might feel so hard sometimes.
Being able to apologise is so fundamental to healthy repair, but for many of us, can feel inexplicably challenging. After listening to today's episode, my hope is that you'll have greater clarity around why apologies can feel so hard, and how to address the underlying resistance so you can foster greater connection and emotional maturity in your relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
why apologies can feel so hard
what to do when we feel unseen and misunderstood
the difference between intent and impact
how people-pleasing & perfectionism can hold us back from taking responsibility
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.61 → 0:00:59.13
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you five reasons why you might struggle apologising. I think that this is a really important conversation to have and a really important area of our relational patterns to bring more conscious awareness, too, because I know for a lot of people, myself included, that apologising can feel really hard sometimes. We can have a lot of resistance, a lot of reluctance, and it's something that's really interesting to reflect on.
0:00:59.25 → 0:01:29.07
What stories am I telling myself? What is preventing me from saying sorry, from taking responsibility, from apologising to someone who I may have heard or who may be upset with me? What's holding me back from doing that? What resistance am I experiencing and why? I think this is so important to have awareness around, because being able to safely repair after a disagreement, after conflict, is so fundamental to building healthy, secure relationships.
0:01:29.17 → 0:02:25.88
And this really applies irrespective of whether we're talking romantic relationships, friendships, colleagues, family, being able to have these conversations, these repair conversations in a mature, healthy way is really fundamental. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Some of the reasons why that might feel hard, just so we can bring a little more conscious awareness to it and go to those conversations and be in those moments with a bit more self awareness, so that we're not just acting from fear, from woundedness, from defensiveness, which I think is a big thing when it comes to apologising. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. The first being that I have created a new Instagram account for the podcast specifically, so if you look up On Attachment on Instagram, you can follow along.
0:02:25.93 → 0:02:53.81
I'm going to be sharing exclusive podcast content, so clips from the show and other podcast related things. So if you love the show, that would be a really great way for you to support me and also for you to get more content from the podcast via Instagram. So if you look up On Attachment, you'll be able to find it there. The second quick announcement is just to share the review of the week. I have to say, you guys have been leaving so many beautiful reviews.
0:02:54.39 → 0:03:15.86
I was really spoiled for choice when I was picking one out to read today, but today's one is finally someone that understands me. I stumbled across this podcast while searching for something else and man, did the stars align. Finally, I found someone who explains things in a way I can understand. Like, she's talking to me about me and she's half a world away. If you're looking to understand attachment.
0:03:15.92 → 0:03:32.12
This is a podcast for you. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really do appreciate it. And as I said, there are so many lovely reviews that have gone up in the past couple of weeks. I am so grateful and really very humbled to be helping so many of you with the podcast.
0:03:32.18 → 0:04:05.28
So even if I haven't read your review out, please know I have read it. I read every single one and I'm deeply appreciative. If that was your review that I just read out, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you. Okay, so with all of that out of the way, let's dive into five reasons why you might struggle apologising. I'm going to start with the more obvious and simple ones and then dig into some that are a little less obvious and where there's a little bit more to unpack.
0:04:05.39 → 0:04:56.79
So the first reason that you may struggle to apologise is that you feel misunderstood or like you haven't been heard. You feel like there's a deeper issue and you don't want to let go of the conversation, the opportunity to discuss what's going on. You feel like the conversation is unfinished because you haven't been heard, validated, understood. And so to apologise, to say, yes, I'm sorry, you might have some fear that that's going to herald the end of discussion and you're not ready for the discussion to end because you don't feel like you've had sufficient space and airtime to share what you're feeling and your perspective on the situation. So I think that for a lot of us, when we don't feel heard, we want to keep the conversation going.
0:04:56.83 → 0:05:27.54
And there's a broader point here. If you are someone who in conflict, tends to not want to wrap up, and this is probably more for my anxious people, a common complaint from avoided partners is, oh, you just want to keep talking and talking and talking about it. You never just let it go. And that usually signals that you do not feel like you have been understood or heard. And so you just want to keep dragging it out, or you want to keep raising new issues or reopening issues that you've already talked about.
0:05:27.67 → 0:06:06.06
You don't feel like there's a resolution. And so if you notice yourself struggling to apologise, struggling to get to the resolution and kind of wrap up the conversation that you're having, then it may be that you don't feel like you've been heard or understood. So reflect on that. And if that is the case, if you feel like you haven't been heard or understood, what would you need in order to feel heard or understood? And maybe that's saying to someone, I feel resistant to apologising or I feel reluctant to apologise because I'm not sure you're really understanding what I'm saying.
0:06:06.24 → 0:06:42.79
And asking whatever it is that you need in order to feel understood. Okay? The next reason that you might struggle with apologising is that you are focusing on intention rather than impact, meaning you're focusing on what you meant or what you intended or didn't intend, rather than the impact that your words, actions, omissions had on the other person. So I think this is a really big one and one that a lot of us, most of us are probably guilty of. It's like, no, but I didn't mean that.
0:06:42.91 → 0:07:23.45
Therefore I'm not going to apologise for it because it wasn't my intention, I didn't mean to upset you, I didn't mean to disappoint you, I didn't mean to frustrate you. Therefore, even if it had that impact, why should I have to apologise for it? Okay? And while this is very it can be really frustrating when you're in that experience and you feel like someone has taken an innocent intention and is then sending it back at you and telling you that you hurt them. Or you upset them or they're angry with you and you can kind of feel like your behaviour has been hijacked or taken out of your hands and turned into something that you never intended.
0:07:23.79 → 0:07:56.45
Healthy, mature relationships require that we can separate ourselves from that a little and be mature enough to go, wow, that wasn't my intention, but I'm really, really sorry that it had that impact. Right? Because as soon as you start arguing with them on that, you are denying what their experience was and it's very invalidating to the other person's experience when you say, I didn't mean it, therefore your experience of it or your emotional response is invalid. And I'm not going to apologise that I shouldn't have to. Okay?
0:07:56.60 → 0:08:21.25
So I think as hard as this one can be, if you can hold both, I didn't mean it. And it had that impact anyway, and I'm going to take you at your word on that and I'm going to apologise, because I obviously didn't want for it to have that impact, and I'm sorry that it did, rather than I didn't want it to have that impact. Therefore, that impact doesn't exist. And it's all in your head. Right, or I shouldn't have to apologise for it because that's a you problem.
0:08:21.42 → 0:08:48.17
I think that healthy relationships require that we care about how our behaviour impacts someone else. Even if that wasn't our intention. And frankly, especially if that wasn't our intention. Because we need to have more awareness around things that might be inadvertently causing tension or rupture in our relationship when that wasn't our intention, so that next time we can have more awareness around it and hopefully do something differently. Okay?
0:08:48.31 → 0:09:39.99
So that one is we want to validate and apologise for the impact, even if especially if that wasn't our intention. And that doesn't mean to apologise for the impact doesn't change the intention, so it doesn't mean that you are acknowledging or owning up to ill intent. Okay, the next reason that you might struggle apologising is this is one that I really used to struggle with in a previous relationship. You feel that the other person has more to apologise for, so it feels unfair for you to be the one apologising, even if the issue at hand might warrant an apology from you. You might feel that there's an overall imbalance and so there's this sentiment of you want me to apologise when you do Abcde and F things and you never apologise.
0:09:40.41 → 0:10:28.72
So if you notice that kind of response coming up and as I said, I can really relate to this one. In a previous relationship, when my partner would say, raise something that he was unhappy with, that I had done, and I had such a long shopping list of things that frustrated me, angered me, unmet needs, all of those things. And so I would get really righteous and indignant when he would expect me to apologise for anything. Even if, as I said, an apology was warranted on my part, I would use that as an opportunity to come back at him with this barrage of all of the things that he did continuously that I thought were far more worthy of apology and that hadn't been adequately addressed. So that might be a factor.
0:10:28.86 → 0:11:16.55
If you notice this big resistance and this kind of righteous, indignant thing of you want me to apologise, I think we need to look at that and go, okay, what's really going on here? I think in terms of what we do with that, if we've made a mistake, if we've hurt someone, if we've slipped up, then being responsible means owning that. And I think that we don't want to start point scoring and being competitive about who's more bad. When you notice yourself going to that kind of pattern in your relationship, that is the problem. The fact that you're in that mindset of competitiveness and point scoring, that's really the issue, not whatever the substantive issue is in the moment that's raised the discussion.
0:11:16.89 → 0:12:15.16
So I think that you need to recognise that if that's the pattern, and find a way to talk about all of the other things that you're harbouring resentment around so that you can address the underlying issue and not get stuck in this point scoring, angry, bitter kind of energy in your relationship. Because it really just locks connection and really impede your ability to repair and move forward on anything. Okay, the next reason that you might find it hard to apologise is that you might find it hard to validate and affirm that someone could have a good reason to be upset with you. So this one, I think, is for my people, pleasers. And I think if you are someone who really notices a people pleasing streak and that you try very hard to keep everybody happy, this is probably more an anxious attachment thing.
0:12:15.85 → 0:13:03.37
If you're constantly working in overdrive to keep everyone happy, to please everyone and to meet everyone else's needs, to keep everything peaceful and stable and someone's upset with you, then it can feel like this really personal failure. And so if that's where you're coming from, then it might feel safer to try and persuade them of why they're mistaken, why they're wrong, why they don't have valid reason to be upset with you, rather than owning that you were imperfect. Right. I think another way that I could frame this one is you really try to be perfect in your relationships. You rely on being perfect and you don't know how to hold the ebbs and flow of relationships.
0:13:03.55 → 0:14:01.40
So you can't actually tolerate the idea that someone could be validly upset with you and still love you. And so rather than owning that and recognising it and validating it and coming up with a solution, you become quite defensive and you go into overdrive trying to restore your image in their eyes rather than engaging with the legitimacy of their concern. The final reason that you might struggle with apologising, and this is sort of an umbrella one, is that you may just never have had safe experiences with rupture and repair. So if you grew up in a family system where there was no conflict or everything was like a cold war, nothing ever got talked about, everything was always swept under the rug. And you may have never seen apologies, you may have never given them, you may have never been on the receiving end of them, you may have never had them modelled for you.
0:14:01.53 → 0:14:50.43
On the contrary, you might have had a very high conflict environment. But then when everything was over, the dust settled and there was no actual substantive repair, it just kind of fizzled out and went back to business as usual. There's lots of different ways that this can show up, but I think for a lot of people, they haven't had positive modelling around what it means to have relational ruptures and then safely repair and come back together stronger. So I think if you have a lot of fear around conflict for that reason, then you don't really trust that that's all part of the process of healthy relationships. And so you're just in a fear state anytime you're in any sort of conflict, because you just don't trust that that can happen safely.
0:14:50.53 → 0:15:54.21
And when we're in a fear state, our ability to connect empathically and apologise is really impeded because we're automatically going to be in a threatened state and defensiveness and counterattack comes very naturally when we're in that state. So if we don't have an embodied experience of safe connection through rupture and repair, then we just might not trust in the safety of the overall experience and we might be very guarded and defensive when we're having those conversations as a result. Okay, so that was five reasons why you might struggle with Apologising in your relationships. I hope that that has given you some food for thought, given you something to reflect on, and maybe will allow you to approach Apologising and the repair conversation with a little more self awareness and emotional maturity the next time you find yourself in that situation. If you enjoyed this episode, as always, I'd be super appreciative.
0:15:54.26 → 0:16:09.79
If you could leave a five star rating, leave a review. If you're on Apple podcasts or elsewhere, we are able to leave a review. It really does help so much in getting the word out and I appreciate it so much. I really do appreciate your support. Thanks so much for joining me, guys.
0:16:09.83 → 0:16:12.10
I will see you again later this week.
0:16:14.47 → 0:16:36.50
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
"How do I navigate the tendency to lose myself in a long-term relationship as anxiously attached person?"
In this week's Q&A episode, I'm answering a community question about the (very common) tendency to lose oneself as an anxiously attached person in relationships. I'll talk through why this happens so often and easily, and what you can do to counter it.
In this week's Q&A episode, I'm answering a community question about the (very common) tendency to lose oneself as an anxiously attached person in relationships.
I'll talk through why this happens so often and easily, and what you can do to counter it.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.77 → 0:01:03.59 - TRANSCRIPT NEEDED
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship. So this was a topic that was requested by my Instagram community, and it's one that I know a lot of people struggle with, and certainly I've struggled with myself. I think that long term relationships ending can be very destabilising, and it's certainly a time and an experience when we can feel really filled with doubt and inner conflict and confusion and mixed feelings.
0:01:03.77 → 0:01:55.58
And so I'm hoping that today's episode will give you some clarity, some guiding principles, some tools, and some mindset shifts to navigate that process with greater self trust and greater trust in the process itself, which I think is really what it comes down to. I should also say that even though I will be speaking more so in the context of a long term relationship, all of the tips I'm going to share would equally apply to any breakup or ending. So if you've just come out of a relationship that wasn't long term, that was only a couple of months and you're still really feeling it and still having a hard time, rest assured that you can apply and adapt, if need be. The tools and the advice that I'm going to be sharing today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share a couple of quick announcements.
0:01:55.64 → 0:02:18.94
The first being that I am holding a flash sale on my Master classes and my Higher Love course. It's 50% off, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on those. And you can get any of my Master classes. So better boundaries, which is all about boundaries, go figure how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and sex and attachments. So those are the three Master classes.
0:02:18.97 → 0:02:35.35
They're about 2 hours each. And my Higher Love course is a breakup course. And that's six modules. Fully self paced, self study, so you get instant access to all of it when you sign up. So you can use the code Love you loveyou at checkout to access that discount.
0:02:35.40 → 0:03:01.63
And I'll link all of that in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I stumbled across this show by accident a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. The podcast has helped me understand my own attachment style, and the sense of relief I now feel is massive. I finally know why I feel anxious and most importantly, what I need to do to become more secure. In fact, I've already started on this journey via the podcast and I've never before felt such a sense of calm.
0:03:01.68 → 0:03:27.15
I can finally relax. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with Stephanie's podcast at the centre. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really love hearing that and it brings a big smile to my face. I think that your experience really speaks to the fact that so often what we need is just to be told you make sense, your experience makes sense, you're not crazy, you're not defective, you're not broken.
0:03:27.81 → 0:03:57.75
And understanding like, oh, other people are like me. And I feel understood and I feel like there's an explanation for all of this and there's a path forward. I think that in and of itself, before you even start taking those steps forward, is incredibly, as you say, relieving and calming to the system. So I'm so glad that that's been your experience. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned earlier.
0:03:58.49 → 0:04:42.42
Okay, so let's dive into these five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. The first tip that I want to offer you is allow yourself the time and space to grieve however you need to. I think collectively we're pretty uncomfortable with grief, whether that's grief after death or after any other ending. And I think it's really important to understand that the grieving process after a breakup is really biologically akin to any other type of grief. Obviously it can show up in different ways and circumstances will influence that, but it can take you through emotionally the same kind of process.
0:04:42.55 → 0:05:38.83
And so I think we need to approach it and honour it as such. What that means in Practise is allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Granted, you may not be able to take three months off work to stay in your pyjamas and cry all day, and that's certainly not what I'd be encouraging you to do anyway, but allowing yourself the time and space to be with whatever emotions are arising, and oftentimes those emotions will be conflicting. And so preparing yourself for that without making it mean more than it does. So it is perfectly normal to feel doubt, confusion, second guessing whether it was the right thing to do, longing for that person, wanting to reach out to them, rehashing everything that happened, anxiety, confusion, all of these things are completely normal, expected parts of the breakup experience and that grieving process.
0:05:38.92 → 0:06:20.63
And that's true irrespective of whether the relationship was healthy or unhealthy, whether the breakup was a long time coming or happened quite suddenly, we're going to go through some sort of grieving process and that's likely to come in waves. It's unlikely to be linear. And so I think the more we can go into that experience, expecting it, expecting it to be emotionally dense and turbulent, expecting it to come in waves, the less likely we are to take that experience and make it mean something. Because this is where I see people get stuck every single time we go, oh my God, I missed them so much. This cannot be the right decision.
0:06:20.97 → 0:06:47.55
If this were the right decision, there's no way that I would miss them this much or we're both so upset. Doesn't that mean that we should be trying to make it work? Maybe, but also probably not. If I'm being really honest, I think I have another episode on questions to ask before getting back together with someone that you can scroll back and find. But what I always say as a starting point is if it's just missing them, then that's not enough.
0:06:47.62 → 0:07:34.41
That's not enough of a reason to go back or to take any action with those feelings. Because missing someone is a completely normal, predictable response to a long term relationship ending. Again, any relationship ending, but especially a long term one. Because when you've been with someone for a long time, there is inherently a level of comfort and stability and predictability that you get from that relationship. Even if that relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy and not working, that's still an anchor point in your life, that you come to navigate the world via all of your daily routines and habits and what you do, how you move about the world is influenced and shaped by the relationship.
0:07:34.61 → 0:07:56.83
So when that gets taken out, you're going to feel the lack of it, you're going to feel the void and that is going to be uncomfortable. So again, being really realistic with our expectations so that we can go, okay, I really miss them. I feel really knocked off centre here. I want to reach out to them. I feel lonely, I feel sad going, yeah, okay, of course I do.
0:07:56.87 → 0:08:07.87
Of course I feel those things. That makes perfect sense. That's part of the process. Okay? It's like if you injured yourself and you felt pain, you would expect to feel pain because that's part of the process.
0:08:08.04 → 0:08:46.41
That's what's going on here. And we need to allow ourselves to feel that without frantically trying to fix or solve or make it go away. So the first one there is allow yourself to grieve without making it mean more than it does or getting stuck in the stories that can spring from those big emotions. The next one that I want to offer you is to really lean on your support people here and that will look different for everyone. But whether that's close friends who you really trust, therapist or other professional that you see family members, it's really important for a couple of reasons.
0:08:46.46 → 0:09:34.26
I think there can be a temptation to isolate ourselves again if we're not comfortable with all of the big emotions and particularly if you're someone who has a bit of a tendency to not want to burden people with your stuff. If you're used to being the support person to others, you're used to playing the carer role, then it might be really uncomfortable for the shoe to be on the other foot, for you to be in need of that support when you're so accustomed to saying, I'm fine, don't worry about me. But the reality is you do need support in this period because, again, one of the key people in your life has been taken away and they are no longer in the picture. And so you're going to need to diversify where you would usually get that support from. So don't be afraid to ask for help, to ask for support.
0:09:35.11 → 0:10:26.71
The other key piece in this one is from a nervous system point of view, you need active and regular reminders that people in relationships are good and safe and positive, that you are loved, that you can be held by other people and supported, that you can be cared for. That's very nourishing to your system and will really counter any other stories you might have around the unsafety of being alone. Again, this is particularly for people who do struggle with being alone. So people who tend more towards anxious attachment, you may have quite a lot of visceral fear around the aloneness that comes with a breakup. And so countering that by going, okay, actually, as much as my fear stories in my body want to tell me that I'm alone, and that's terrifying, I'm not alone.
0:10:26.81 → 0:10:52.54
I've got all these people around me who care about me, who are invested in my well being, who I can lean on and be held by. And so maybe as much as my body wants to tell me that this is really unsafe and we need to do something about it, which might mean reaching out to your ex and trying to backpedal on everything, no, it's okay. I have other options. I have other support people. Here they are, and I'm going to be okay.
0:10:52.59 → 0:11:30.22
I can resource myself to get through this period in a way that is grounded, that is supported, and I don't need to go into a really fear based state, even more so than I might already be, by isolating myself. Okay, the third tip that I want to give you is see this period as an opportunity to spring clean your life. So this will start to come in a little bit further down the track. I don't expect you on day three, after the breakup to start reinventing yourself. And to be clear, you don't ever have to reinvent yourself.
0:11:30.67 → 0:11:54.51
There's nothing wrong with you, right? But I think that it can be really nice and can give you a sense of renewal and agency over the story and your role in it to go. Okay. This is an opportunity right. To see it as a fresh start as a new chapter, as a new beginning.
0:11:54.59 → 0:12:17.63
And to step into that in a really empowered, deliberate way, rather than floating around rutterless going, oh, my God. How has this happened? I'm alone. I can't live without them, what am I ever going to do? Obviously that's not a very empowered story and doesn't really allow you to get intentional about what you want your life to look like in this next chapter and beyond.
0:12:17.73 → 0:12:56.14
So see it as an opportunity to sprinkle in your life, to rediscover yourself again, particularly if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment or you otherwise know that you tend to really lose yourself in a relationship, so you tend to sort of become subsumed to the relationship container. This is a really great opportunity to carve out, like, who am I? What do I like? What would my ideal be if I weren't always thinking about someone else and what they like and what they're comfortable with? How do I want my space to look?
0:12:56.24 → 0:13:08.59
What do I like to do with my free time? What food do I like to eat? What shows do I like to watch? What do I want to spend my weekends doing right? When we're so accustomed to factoring in someone else?
0:13:08.68 → 0:13:49.27
And potentially, if that's your tendency to defer to what their preference is, we can lose sight of that. And so this is actually a really, really beautiful opportunity for you to make it about you for once. So relish in that opportunity, relish in the freedom that this period can afford you. So don't waste that or lose sight of it, or be so distracted by the hard parts of the experience that you aren't noticing all of the positives. The next tip that I want to offer you is become the most fully expressed version of yourself that you can.
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So this is kind of in a similar vein to the previous one, but become more of yourself. So if the previous one was around, kind of revamping your surroundings and your routines and all of that to suit you, this one's about becoming more of you. So doing things that once would have scared you or doing things that you never thought that you could or that you've always wanted to, but you thought, no, I couldn't do that, right? Maybe you could, right? Challenge yourself.
0:14:21.86 → 0:14:51.56
Learn to overcome those fears or nerves or embarrassment or shame or any of those other things that have held you back from doing things that you've always been curious about or interested in. Right? So again, it's kind of easy and it's not a bad thing. I think it's just true, right, that it's easy to get lazy and really comfortable and cosy in a long term relationship. I think that a lot of us who are in long term relationships can relate to that, right?
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That it's easy to get a bit complacent around the way we spend our time. So see this period as an invitation, a permission slip to really broaden your horizons and live a little. So whether that's like taking up a new hobby, going to cooking classes, or challenging yourself physically, starting to work with a personal trainer or taking up a new sport or starting running or something that you've previously thought wasn't like you or you didn't have time for or would be too hard. I think all of those things can be really powerful in building up your self worth, your sense of self and your self confidence as you enter into this next chapter. So reflect on what would be the things.
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Maybe it's just one or two things at the moment. How could I infuse some newness or stretch my comfort zone a little so that I'm becoming more of who I am and particularly in ways that I felt I couldn't when I was in a relationship? So stretch out that comfort zone, okay? And the last tip that I want to give you is when it comes time to date, and that might not be for a while, so please don't expect yourself to be back out there in a month, particularly if it's a long term relationship and there's a lot of processing to do. There is absolutely no rush here.
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Expect to relapse, for want of a better term. So you might be feeling like super upbeat and positive and excited to get back out into the dating world and then maybe you download one of the apps and you feel really deflated and defeated and hopeless all of a sudden. Or you go on a couple of dates and it's underwhelming. Okay? Expect that it's going to be a bit of a process and don't expect to find your soulmate or the next person you're going to be in a long term relationship with on your first date or your first interaction on an app.
0:16:56.70 → 0:17:29.80
You need to be kind of bracing yourself for the process of dating, being hit and miss and being trial and error, and go into that with an open mind, with good humour. And again, try and see it as an opportunity rather than this drudgery, this frustrating thing that you reluctantly have to do in order to meet someone. Try and enjoy the process as much as possible. Try and approach it with a mindset of, oh, look at all these people that I get to meet. What a great opportunity.
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That's all it has to be, right? And when I say expect to relapse, what I mean is expect to be reminded of your ex in ways that you might not have been in the intervening period. So I think it's really normal and natural to have felt like you were over them. And then you go on a date with someone and they have a trait that annoys you and you're like, oh, my ex would never have done that. We always used to laugh at people who did that or dressed like that or said things like that or liked that thing.
0:18:02.90 → 0:18:26.19
I miss them. Or you might just miss how comfortable and easeful it felt with your ex. Whereas with all these new people. You're starting from scratch and it feels difficult, and you don't know each other yet, and it's a bit awkward, and so you really just miss and crave the comfort of the comfy pair of jeans that you've worn in rather than the stiff new ones. It's really normal to feel that way.
0:18:26.26 → 0:18:53.15
And again, try not to make too much meaning out of it. Comparing new people with old people is a completely normal thing to do, so don't then go. Maybe that means that my ex is actually the right person for me. Stay the course, stick with the process, trust in the process, and know that you'll get more comfortable with it. And as time goes by, you'll get to know new people, and what starts as being a little bit awkward and uncomfortable will slowly become more comfortable.
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Right? There was a time where you didn't know your ex and you were in that same place with them. So just allow things to blossom and grow rather than writing them off straight out of the gate from a place of comparison or fear or anxiety or whatever else might be driving that response in you. Okay, so those were five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. I hope that that has been helpful.
0:19:17.78 → 0:19:55.55
I did try to give you a bit of a spectrum there of advice ranging from very early in the process, post breakup, to that kind of midway point where you're starting to emerge from the darkness and rebuild and then ultimately going towards potentially dating again. So I hope that that's given you a lot to work with, no matter where you are in that process. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating or a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much, and I'm deeply, deeply appreciative of all of you who have been taking the time to do that recently.
0:19:55.65 → 0:20:16.62
It's very touching and humbling to me. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I will see you again later in the week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierig.com.
0:20:16.75 → 0:20:26.28
And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to to see you again soon.
5 Similarities Between Anxious & Avoidant People
We often speak about the many ways in which anxious and avoidantly attached people differ in their relationship styles. But in this episode, I'm flipping the script and highlighting some similarities between these so-called conflicting styles. We cover relationship fears, boundaries, vulnerability, conflict and more - and my hope is that you'll walk away with a greater capacity to approach yourself and the people in your life with curiosity and compassion.
We often speak about the many ways in which anxious and avoidantly attached people differ in their relationship styles. But in this episode, I'm flipping the script and highlighting some similarities between these so-called conflicting styles.
We cover relationship fears, boundaries, vulnerability, conflict and more - and my hope is that you'll walk away with a greater capacity to approach yourself and the people in your life with curiosity and compassion.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my signature 8-week course Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:27.77 → 0:01:03.59 - TRANSCRIPT NEEDED
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship. So this was a topic that was requested by my Instagram community, and it's one that I know a lot of people struggle with, and certainly I've struggled with myself. I think that long term relationships ending can be very destabilising, and it's certainly a time and an experience when we can feel really filled with doubt and inner conflict and confusion and mixed feelings.
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And so I'm hoping that today's episode will give you some clarity, some guiding principles, some tools, and some mindset shifts to navigate that process with greater self trust and greater trust in the process itself, which I think is really what it comes down to. I should also say that even though I will be speaking more so in the context of a long term relationship, all of the tips I'm going to share would equally apply to any breakup or ending. So if you've just come out of a relationship that wasn't long term, that was only a couple of months and you're still really feeling it and still having a hard time, rest assured that you can apply and adapt, if need be. The tools and the advice that I'm going to be sharing today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share a couple of quick announcements.
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The first being that I am holding a flash sale on my Master classes and my Higher Love course. It's 50% off, which is the biggest discount I've ever given on those. And you can get any of my Master classes. So better boundaries, which is all about boundaries, go figure how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and sex and attachments. So those are the three Master classes.
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They're about 2 hours each. And my Higher Love course is a breakup course. And that's six modules. Fully self paced, self study, so you get instant access to all of it when you sign up. So you can use the code Love you loveyou at checkout to access that discount.
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And I'll link all of that in the show notes. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is I stumbled across this show by accident a few months ago and I'm so glad I did. The podcast has helped me understand my own attachment style, and the sense of relief I now feel is massive. I finally know why I feel anxious and most importantly, what I need to do to become more secure. In fact, I've already started on this journey via the podcast and I've never before felt such a sense of calm.
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I can finally relax. I'm looking forward to continuing this journey with Stephanie's podcast at the centre. Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I really love hearing that and it brings a big smile to my face. I think that your experience really speaks to the fact that so often what we need is just to be told you make sense, your experience makes sense, you're not crazy, you're not defective, you're not broken.
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And understanding like, oh, other people are like me. And I feel understood and I feel like there's an explanation for all of this and there's a path forward. I think that in and of itself, before you even start taking those steps forward, is incredibly, as you say, relieving and calming to the system. So I'm so glad that that's been your experience. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierig.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of those master classes that I mentioned earlier.
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Okay, so let's dive into these five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. The first tip that I want to offer you is allow yourself the time and space to grieve however you need to. I think collectively we're pretty uncomfortable with grief, whether that's grief after death or after any other ending. And I think it's really important to understand that the grieving process after a breakup is really biologically akin to any other type of grief. Obviously it can show up in different ways and circumstances will influence that, but it can take you through emotionally the same kind of process.
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And so I think we need to approach it and honour it as such. What that means in Practise is allowing yourself to feel those feelings. Granted, you may not be able to take three months off work to stay in your pyjamas and cry all day, and that's certainly not what I'd be encouraging you to do anyway, but allowing yourself the time and space to be with whatever emotions are arising, and oftentimes those emotions will be conflicting. And so preparing yourself for that without making it mean more than it does. So it is perfectly normal to feel doubt, confusion, second guessing whether it was the right thing to do, longing for that person, wanting to reach out to them, rehashing everything that happened, anxiety, confusion, all of these things are completely normal, expected parts of the breakup experience and that grieving process.
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And that's true irrespective of whether the relationship was healthy or unhealthy, whether the breakup was a long time coming or happened quite suddenly, we're going to go through some sort of grieving process and that's likely to come in waves. It's unlikely to be linear. And so I think the more we can go into that experience, expecting it, expecting it to be emotionally dense and turbulent, expecting it to come in waves, the less likely we are to take that experience and make it mean something. Because this is where I see people get stuck every single time we go, oh my God, I missed them so much. This cannot be the right decision.
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If this were the right decision, there's no way that I would miss them this much or we're both so upset. Doesn't that mean that we should be trying to make it work? Maybe, but also probably not. If I'm being really honest, I think I have another episode on questions to ask before getting back together with someone that you can scroll back and find. But what I always say as a starting point is if it's just missing them, then that's not enough.
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That's not enough of a reason to go back or to take any action with those feelings. Because missing someone is a completely normal, predictable response to a long term relationship ending. Again, any relationship ending, but especially a long term one. Because when you've been with someone for a long time, there is inherently a level of comfort and stability and predictability that you get from that relationship. Even if that relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy and not working, that's still an anchor point in your life, that you come to navigate the world via all of your daily routines and habits and what you do, how you move about the world is influenced and shaped by the relationship.
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So when that gets taken out, you're going to feel the lack of it, you're going to feel the void and that is going to be uncomfortable. So again, being really realistic with our expectations so that we can go, okay, I really miss them. I feel really knocked off centre here. I want to reach out to them. I feel lonely, I feel sad going, yeah, okay, of course I do.
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Of course I feel those things. That makes perfect sense. That's part of the process. Okay? It's like if you injured yourself and you felt pain, you would expect to feel pain because that's part of the process.
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That's what's going on here. And we need to allow ourselves to feel that without frantically trying to fix or solve or make it go away. So the first one there is allow yourself to grieve without making it mean more than it does or getting stuck in the stories that can spring from those big emotions. The next one that I want to offer you is to really lean on your support people here and that will look different for everyone. But whether that's close friends who you really trust, therapist or other professional that you see family members, it's really important for a couple of reasons.
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I think there can be a temptation to isolate ourselves again if we're not comfortable with all of the big emotions and particularly if you're someone who has a bit of a tendency to not want to burden people with your stuff. If you're used to being the support person to others, you're used to playing the carer role, then it might be really uncomfortable for the shoe to be on the other foot, for you to be in need of that support when you're so accustomed to saying, I'm fine, don't worry about me. But the reality is you do need support in this period because, again, one of the key people in your life has been taken away and they are no longer in the picture. And so you're going to need to diversify where you would usually get that support from. So don't be afraid to ask for help, to ask for support.
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The other key piece in this one is from a nervous system point of view, you need active and regular reminders that people in relationships are good and safe and positive, that you are loved, that you can be held by other people and supported, that you can be cared for. That's very nourishing to your system and will really counter any other stories you might have around the unsafety of being alone. Again, this is particularly for people who do struggle with being alone. So people who tend more towards anxious attachment, you may have quite a lot of visceral fear around the aloneness that comes with a breakup. And so countering that by going, okay, actually, as much as my fear stories in my body want to tell me that I'm alone, and that's terrifying, I'm not alone.
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I've got all these people around me who care about me, who are invested in my well being, who I can lean on and be held by. And so maybe as much as my body wants to tell me that this is really unsafe and we need to do something about it, which might mean reaching out to your ex and trying to backpedal on everything, no, it's okay. I have other options. I have other support people. Here they are, and I'm going to be okay.
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I can resource myself to get through this period in a way that is grounded, that is supported, and I don't need to go into a really fear based state, even more so than I might already be, by isolating myself. Okay, the third tip that I want to give you is see this period as an opportunity to spring clean your life. So this will start to come in a little bit further down the track. I don't expect you on day three, after the breakup to start reinventing yourself. And to be clear, you don't ever have to reinvent yourself.
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There's nothing wrong with you, right? But I think that it can be really nice and can give you a sense of renewal and agency over the story and your role in it to go. Okay. This is an opportunity right. To see it as a fresh start as a new chapter, as a new beginning.
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And to step into that in a really empowered, deliberate way, rather than floating around rutterless going, oh, my God. How has this happened? I'm alone. I can't live without them, what am I ever going to do? Obviously that's not a very empowered story and doesn't really allow you to get intentional about what you want your life to look like in this next chapter and beyond.
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So see it as an opportunity to sprinkle in your life, to rediscover yourself again, particularly if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment or you otherwise know that you tend to really lose yourself in a relationship, so you tend to sort of become subsumed to the relationship container. This is a really great opportunity to carve out, like, who am I? What do I like? What would my ideal be if I weren't always thinking about someone else and what they like and what they're comfortable with? How do I want my space to look?
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What do I like to do with my free time? What food do I like to eat? What shows do I like to watch? What do I want to spend my weekends doing right? When we're so accustomed to factoring in someone else?
0:13:08.68 → 0:13:49.27
And potentially, if that's your tendency to defer to what their preference is, we can lose sight of that. And so this is actually a really, really beautiful opportunity for you to make it about you for once. So relish in that opportunity, relish in the freedom that this period can afford you. So don't waste that or lose sight of it, or be so distracted by the hard parts of the experience that you aren't noticing all of the positives. The next tip that I want to offer you is become the most fully expressed version of yourself that you can.
0:13:49.34 → 0:14:21.71
So this is kind of in a similar vein to the previous one, but become more of yourself. So if the previous one was around, kind of revamping your surroundings and your routines and all of that to suit you, this one's about becoming more of you. So doing things that once would have scared you or doing things that you never thought that you could or that you've always wanted to, but you thought, no, I couldn't do that, right? Maybe you could, right? Challenge yourself.
0:14:21.86 → 0:14:51.56
Learn to overcome those fears or nerves or embarrassment or shame or any of those other things that have held you back from doing things that you've always been curious about or interested in. Right? So again, it's kind of easy and it's not a bad thing. I think it's just true, right, that it's easy to get lazy and really comfortable and cosy in a long term relationship. I think that a lot of us who are in long term relationships can relate to that, right?
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That it's easy to get a bit complacent around the way we spend our time. So see this period as an invitation, a permission slip to really broaden your horizons and live a little. So whether that's like taking up a new hobby, going to cooking classes, or challenging yourself physically, starting to work with a personal trainer or taking up a new sport or starting running or something that you've previously thought wasn't like you or you didn't have time for or would be too hard. I think all of those things can be really powerful in building up your self worth, your sense of self and your self confidence as you enter into this next chapter. So reflect on what would be the things.
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Maybe it's just one or two things at the moment. How could I infuse some newness or stretch my comfort zone a little so that I'm becoming more of who I am and particularly in ways that I felt I couldn't when I was in a relationship? So stretch out that comfort zone, okay? And the last tip that I want to give you is when it comes time to date, and that might not be for a while, so please don't expect yourself to be back out there in a month, particularly if it's a long term relationship and there's a lot of processing to do. There is absolutely no rush here.
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Expect to relapse, for want of a better term. So you might be feeling like super upbeat and positive and excited to get back out into the dating world and then maybe you download one of the apps and you feel really deflated and defeated and hopeless all of a sudden. Or you go on a couple of dates and it's underwhelming. Okay? Expect that it's going to be a bit of a process and don't expect to find your soulmate or the next person you're going to be in a long term relationship with on your first date or your first interaction on an app.
0:16:56.70 → 0:17:29.80
You need to be kind of bracing yourself for the process of dating, being hit and miss and being trial and error, and go into that with an open mind, with good humour. And again, try and see it as an opportunity rather than this drudgery, this frustrating thing that you reluctantly have to do in order to meet someone. Try and enjoy the process as much as possible. Try and approach it with a mindset of, oh, look at all these people that I get to meet. What a great opportunity.
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That's all it has to be, right? And when I say expect to relapse, what I mean is expect to be reminded of your ex in ways that you might not have been in the intervening period. So I think it's really normal and natural to have felt like you were over them. And then you go on a date with someone and they have a trait that annoys you and you're like, oh, my ex would never have done that. We always used to laugh at people who did that or dressed like that or said things like that or liked that thing.
0:18:02.90 → 0:18:26.19
I miss them. Or you might just miss how comfortable and easeful it felt with your ex. Whereas with all these new people. You're starting from scratch and it feels difficult, and you don't know each other yet, and it's a bit awkward, and so you really just miss and crave the comfort of the comfy pair of jeans that you've worn in rather than the stiff new ones. It's really normal to feel that way.
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And again, try not to make too much meaning out of it. Comparing new people with old people is a completely normal thing to do, so don't then go. Maybe that means that my ex is actually the right person for me. Stay the course, stick with the process, trust in the process, and know that you'll get more comfortable with it. And as time goes by, you'll get to know new people, and what starts as being a little bit awkward and uncomfortable will slowly become more comfortable.
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Right? There was a time where you didn't know your ex and you were in that same place with them. So just allow things to blossom and grow rather than writing them off straight out of the gate from a place of comparison or fear or anxiety or whatever else might be driving that response in you. Okay, so those were five tips for rebuilding after a long term relationship ends. I hope that that has been helpful.
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I did try to give you a bit of a spectrum there of advice ranging from very early in the process, post breakup, to that kind of midway point where you're starting to emerge from the darkness and rebuild and then ultimately going towards potentially dating again. So I hope that that's given you a lot to work with, no matter where you are in that process. If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful, as always, if you could leave a five star rating or a review. If you're listening on Apple podcasts. It really does help so much, and I'm deeply, deeply appreciative of all of you who have been taking the time to do that recently.
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It's very touching and humbling to me. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I will see you again later in the week. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierig.com.
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And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to to see you again soon.