#150 A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
We cover:
Why boundary setting is so hard for people with insecure attachment patterns
How anxious and avoidant attachment styles differ in boundary setting
The truth about boundaries in healthy relationships
How to navigate a fear that setting boundaries will lead to the relationship falling apart
A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. They serve as markers that define where one person ends, and another begins, allowing for mutual respect and understanding. However, setting and upholding boundaries can be particularly challenging, especially for those with insecure attachment patterns. Let's explore why this is the case and uncover some hard truths about the process.
The Struggle with Boundaries
Many people find boundaries difficult to both set and maintain. This is often because they did not have healthy boundaries modelled during their formative years. Growing up without a clear blueprint of what boundaries look like, individuals may find themselves in adulthood either unable to establish personal limits or overly rigid in their approach.
If boundaries feel awkward or unnatural, it may be due to a lack of practice and understanding. Remember, enforcing boundaries isn’t about rigidly adhering to a list of rules but about knowing and communicating what feels acceptable and safe.
The Impact of Attachment Styles
Different attachment styles experience boundary-setting in diverse ways. For those with anxious attachment, the idea of setting a boundary can elicit fear. There's an underlying anxiety that enforcing a limit may lead to a loss of connection. This fear often leads to self-sacrifice, where personal discomfort is ignored to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment may put up very strict, ironclad walls to protect themselves from perceived enmeshment and loss of self. These walls can be so rigid that they prevent genuine intimacy and connection. Healthy boundaries shouldn’t be so flexible that they’re non-existent, nor should they be so rigid they become barriers to intimacy.
Misconceptions and Hard Truths
A common misconception is to view rigid boundaries as a sign of security and confidence. In reality, boundaries formed out of fear and a need for self-protection do not equate to healthy self-assurance. True security in boundaries incorporates a balance, allowing for both personal space and connection without fear.
One hard truth about boundaries is that they often come with a cost. Particularly for the anxiously attached, the fear of not getting what one desires after setting a boundary can be a significant deterrent. The possibility of experiencing a loss of connection can make it tempting to forgo boundaries altogether. However, enduring discomfort and self-sacrifice for the sake of connection leads to anxiety and internal tension.
Navigating the Tension Between Self and Other
An important realisation is that true, healthy relationships do not ask one to choose between self-respect and connection with others. If advocating for oneself often results in the withdrawal of affection or connection, it serves as a warning sign. While this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, it indicates that changes are needed to achieve a secure, emotionally safe relationship.
It’s essential to find a balance between advocating for personal needs and maintaining flexibility and understanding toward the other person. This isn’t about ultimatums but about knowing what non-negotiables are crucial for one’s sense of safety and wellbeing.
The Courage to Hold Firm
When setting a boundary, it’s crucial to decide whether the boundary matters enough that being in a relationship where it is not respected is unacceptable. This does not mean becoming rigid in every small request, but it means recognising and holding firm on what is fundamentally important.
It’s essential to follow through on communicated boundaries. Declaring a boundary without enforcing it weakens its impact and can lead to self-abandonment for the sake of preserving the relationship. True growth often requires courage and a commitment to one’s self-respect and emotional safety.
The Path to Authentic Connection
Understanding that relinquishing personal boundaries to maintain a semblance of connection is detrimental is liberating. Constantly sacrificing personal comfort and authenticity for the sake of keeping someone close leads to anxiety and insecurity.
Healthy relationships respect and value boundaries, fostering an environment where open communication and mutual respect thrive. Each step in setting and upholding boundaries builds a foundation for authentic, secure connections that honour both personal needs and mutual respect.
In summary, setting and upholding boundaries, particularly within the context of attachment styles, involves reflection, courage, and continuous practice. While it may initially seem daunting, the process ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships marked by mutual respect and genuine connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find it challenging to set boundaries in your relationships? What fears or anxieties come up for you when you think about setting boundaries?
Reflect on a time when you felt your boundaries were not respected. How did that experience impact your sense of safety and connection within the relationship?
How do you currently navigate the tension between maintaining a connection to others and staying true to your own needs and feelings?
Do you recognise a pattern of abandoning your own needs in order to keep the peace or maintain a relationship? How has this impacted your emotional well-being over time?
When you think about setting a boundary, do you worry about potential consequences, such as the loss of the relationship? How do these worries influence your actions?
Consider the types of boundaries you tend to have. Are they more diffuse and porous, or rigid and uncompromising? What are the effects of these boundary styles on your relationships?
Do you find yourself negotiating with your own comfort levels and needs in order to avoid conflict? How might this affect your long-term happiness and sense of self?
Is there a specific boundary that you know needs to be set in your life right now? What is stopping you from setting and upholding this boundary?
How might you start to practice better boundaries in small, manageable ways within your existing relationships? What steps can you take today to move towards healthier boundaries?
Reflect on the idea that a healthy relationship should not require you to choose between connection to self and connection to other. How has this perspective shifted your understanding of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about boundaries, and specifically why you might struggle to set, uphold, and be on the receiving end of boundaries, particularly in your intimate relationships. So, boundaries are one of those areas that I think most of us will be relatively well acquainted with, at least on a surface level, if you spend any time in the personal development space. It's pretty hard to scroll through Instagram, at least if your algorithm looks anything like mine, and not encounter some sort of content around boundaries. And yet I know from speaking to so many people in my community, in my programs, that boundaries continue to be really challenging. And it's something that a lot of people, I think, have a theoretical grasp of, but, you know, the practical implementation, the doing piece, still feels really challenging. And I think oftentimes there is that gap between theory and practice in so much of this work, which is why, you know, so much of the magic is in taking those real life steps rather than just trying to read or listen our way to growth.
[00:01:36]:
So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing a little bit on why boundaries feel hard for so many of us, particularly those of us with insecure attachment patterns at both ends of the spectrum. So despite what you may think, which is that boundaries are, you know, hard for anxiously attached people, but not so much for avoidant people, I would push back on that and say that I think boundaries are a challenge for both anxious and avoidant leaning people, although they can certainly look different. And I suppose also share some hard truths about boundaries because I think there are many misconceptions when it comes to boundaries, and sometimes we have to reckon with the reality that boundaries will come at a cost. And I think that's, you know, the great fear that underpins boundary setting for so many of us, particularly those of us with more anxious patterns, is that, you know, we'll set the boundary, and then we won't get what we want, so to speak. And then we'll have to deal with the consequences, which might be a loss of connection or something else that we desperately want to avoid. So talking through some of those pain points, I suppose, and validating how hard it is and why it feels so hard, but while also serving up some hard truths. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share, I moments before hitting the record button, I thought I might offer a special deal on my Better Boundaries masterclass.
[00:03:08]:
So you can go on to my website, and the masterclass is usually $88. I'm going to put it on sale for $30. You won't need a discount code or anything. I'm just going to modify the price at the checkout. So if you are interested in going a little deeper on the topic of boundaries and you wanna save, and we do the math off the cuff here, over 60% on on the cost of that masterclass, head to my website or click the link in the show notes, to grab the Better Boundaries Masterclass for just $30. Okay. So let's talk about why boundaries are hard. I think for most of us, we did not grow up with good boundaries.
[00:03:46]:
We did not have that modeled for us. We did not have a blueprint of what healthy boundaries look like. And so we tend to progress through to adulthood without really knowing what boundaries look or feel like. And that tends to go one of 2 ways. Either we are boundaryless, we have very porous or diffuse boundaries in that, you know, we let anyone in as much as they want. We have no sense of demarcation of what is okay for us, what we're comfortable with, And likewise, we are not terribly good at respecting or perceiving other people's boundaries, and so we want to be as much in their world as we possibly can, this idea of enmeshment. The other version of things, and this tends to align more with avoidant attachment patterns, is we're maybe afraid of enmeshment. Maybe that's been part of our family system or other relational experiences that we've had, And so we fear engulfment.
[00:04:44]:
We fear loss of self. And so we put up these ironclad walls to keep people at bay. And, you know, both of these versions of unhealthy boundaries, you know, the very diffuse, porous kind or the very rigid, uncompromising kind, Neither of those are healthy. And, you know, I'll just say as a side note, I think for people with more anxious attachment patterns, they can sometimes see their avoidant partner's very rigid boundaries, as, you know, an expression of security. Like, wow, there's a confident look at their boundaries. But you know, a very black and white boundary is not necessarily what we're going for here. That's not a sign of, you know, security if it's coming from this fear driven place of self protection at all costs. What we're really aiming for when we talk about healthy boundaries is something in the middle, as is so often the case.
[00:05:37]:
And people with a secure attachment tend to be pretty naturally good at this. They can advocate for themselves in, you know, what works for them, what doesn't, what they need, but they don't forget that there's someone else in that equation. And so there's this level of flexibility and an openness to maybe negotiate or understand another perspective rather than just kind of clamping down and saying, you know, it's my way or the highway laying down the law, or otherwise kind of collapsing altogether. So as you can see in these patterns, and particularly for more anxious people, what often emerges is this tension between connection to other and connection to myself. And if we think of a healthy boundary as being that feels so foreign and why it feels so hard. Because if you have more anxious attachment patterns, probably all you've ever really known is sacrificing connection to self in the interest of maintaining connection to other. We know that that's very much at the heart of anxious attachment is, so long as I'm connected to you, that's really all I need in order to feel safe, in order to feel happy, in order to feel valuable and worthy. And so I will do whatever I need to do.
[00:06:58]:
I will contort myself. I will swallow my words. I will override my discomfort with something in order to maintain the connection with you, even if that connection starts to look and feel like something that isn't really what I truly want or what I'm truly comfortable with, because I have this framework of, like, connection is better than no connection, no matter what that connection looks or feels like. So just really validating that if you have this more anxious attachment pattern, you may struggle to set boundaries to even think about doing it, because you have so much anxiety that the other person's not going to meet you in the boundary and be receptive to it, and that they're just gonna say, well, if that's your boundary, I'm not interested. I'm gonna walk away. And when the the cost feels so high, right, when you feel like the the consequence of setting your boundary could be the loss of the relationship, All of a sudden, the thing that you're wanting to set the boundary about starts to pale by comparison. You start to negotiate with yourself and go, well, do I really care that much about this thing that you know, has been bothering me? But if it means that I'm gonna lose the relationship, maybe I'll just stay quiet about it. Maybe I'll just sweep it under the rug.
[00:08:11]:
Maybe I'll just kind of suck it up and deal with it myself, because it's not that big a deal that it would be worth losing the relationship over. Right? That's often the internal dialogue. Now, that obviously begs the question of, like, what do we do with that? What do we do with this tension between connection to self and connection to other? And I think that a really important thing to understand, as I sort of alluded to, is that healthy relationships don't ask you to choose one of those two things. Right? If you are being made to choose between what feels safe to you, which is really what we're trying to lay down with the self advocacy of setting a healthy boundary. And you're feeling like to advocate for yourself in that way will likely lead to the withdrawal of the connection, whether through some sort of punitive measure like stonewalling or, you know, someone just withdrawing on you and going quiet, or getting very defensive, shutting down, or leaving the relationship altogether. But this sense of, If I step forward and take up space and advocate for myself, there's going to be some sort of adverse consequence in terms of our connection, then that is kind of I hesitate to use the term red flag. If you've listened for a long time, you know I don't tend to use that kind of language, but it is a bit of a warning sign that there are other things that are not, you know, working as they should in terms of the emotional safety of the relationship. Now does that mean that the relationship is doomed? No.
[00:09:42]:
A lot of us will not have, like, really wonderful emotional safety and security as a baseline if we're coming to a relationship with insecure attachment patterns. That's the whole point of this work, is that we need to learn and practice those things. But it is a sign that something needs to shift if you are wanting to build a secure relationship, because continuing with the status quo where you are afraid to advocate for what you need in order to feel safe and loved and secure, if you're afraid to speak those things and to stand firm on them because you're worried that you're going to be punished in some way with the withdrawal of love and connection, it's going to be very hard to ever feel emotionally safe, when that dynamic is present. So really recognising that this stuff is important, and that bargaining with yourself on, is this really worth losing the relationship over? Am I asking for too much? Should I just let it go and make myself be comfortable with something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't think that that path is going to lead you to the peace that you seek or the connection that you seek. It's likely to lead you to more anxiety and more internal tension, because the truth of what you are comfortable or not comfortable with, you know, it remains. And it's just you trying to silence that in the interest of holding onto, you some semblance of connection or relationship with someone, even if it's not on the terms or in the way that you truly desire. So all of that to say, and this is kind of where the hard truth comes in, there's no way and I I'll often get questions from people in the vein of how can I make sure that speaking my boundary and, you know, standing firm, enacting my boundary, it's probably more important than speaking? And I think oftentimes we speak it and then we don't follow through in our actions. We kind of declare this big boundary.
[00:11:41]:
And then if we get any pushback, we quickly try and backpedal and chip away at our boundary again, to hold onto that connection. But when setting a boundary in a relationship, you need to decide for yourself whether that boundary matters enough, that you are not willing to be in a relationship where that boundary is not respected. Okay? Now, of course, we're not talking about, like, any and every little request or boundary that we might speak to in a relationship. I'm not encouraging you to be, you know, really rigid and absolute about this. But if there are big things, things that you know are really fundamental and important to you, then you need to let them be fundamental and important to you. You need to let them be nonnegotiable, if that's what they truly are in your heart. And you need to get honest with yourself about the fact that you're not willing to be in a relationship where those things are not respected. And if that means that in communicating your boundary to someone about, you know, I am not willing to go on like this, here is what I need.
[00:12:56]:
Here is what I am going to do if this thing happens again. You need to be willing to follow through on that. You need to be committed enough to yourself that you're gonna follow through on that rather than being more committed to holding onto the connection and letting go of abandoning yourself, for the sake of of just holding on. I know that this is incredibly challenging. I have struggled with it my whole life, and it's not something that you're going to be able to switch overnight, but that really is the work. That is the crux of the challenge, particularly for more anxious folks around boundary setting, is that you need to recalibrate this whole conception of connection to other, connection to self, and recognise that if a connection with someone else requires that you let go of your connection to self, that you abandon yourself, that you lie to yourself, that is not the relationship that is going to bring you peace, that is going to bring you safety, that is going to bring you security. And, you know, there is grief and there is liberation in recognising that. So I hope that that has given you something to think about.
[00:14:18]:
I know that it's really tough. I know that you can probably hear this a 100 times. And if you're in that situation where you feel like things are on the brink and so you're really scared of saying the thing that needs to be said for fear of those consequences, I I totally understand, and I'm there with you in spirit and sending you so much love. This is really where your courage is required, and sometimes growth does really ask that we get very honest with what we want, what we need, who we are, really. What is authenticity to me in a relationship, and what am I willing to sacrifice just for the sake of holding on? And is it really worth what it's costing me, to hold on to someone when things that are fundamental to my sense of safety and my sense of self are not being respected in this relationship. So sending so much love, particularly to anyone who's struggling with this at the moment. It's really big work, but, you know, just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and I'm, as I said, there with you in spirit.
[00:15:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
boundaries, insecure attachment, attachment patterns, personal development, intimate relationships, healthy relationships, emotional safety, connection to self, connection to other, anxious attachment patterns, avoidant attachment patterns, porous boundaries, rigid boundaries, Better Boundaries masterclass, self-advocacy, relationship dynamics, loss of connection, negotiation, enmeshment, engulfment, emotional security, self-protection, flexible boundaries, social media, practical implementation, relationship coach, family system, blueprint, stonewalling, setting boundaries, attachment theory.
#149 3 Life Lessons I Wish I'd Learned Sooner
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
Last Chance to Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! - Kicking off 29 July 2024.
3 Life Lessons That Cultivate Self-Worth and Happiness
The journey to self-worth and happiness is neither quick nor easy. Significant life lessons often come from years of growth, reflection, and sometimes even hardship. Yet, certain insights can be transformative and invaluable when learnt earlier in life. Here are three important life lessons that revolve around self-worth, responsibility, and respect, which, when embraced, can significantly improve your relationship with yourself and others.
You Cannot Outrun Yourself
It's tempting to believe that changing external circumstances will resolve inner conflicts. Whether it's leaving a job, ending a relationship, or moving to a new city, it's easy to convince oneself that a change in scenery is the answer. However, the reality is that internal issues follow you wherever you go. The patterns and core beliefs you hold about yourself are deeply ingrained and will reappear in new situations unless they're addressed.
Understanding this can be empowering. It shifts the focus from external to internal, encouraging you to face and resolve the root causes of your unrest. By addressing core beliefs and undertaking the courageous work of healing, you can break free from recurring negative patterns. This internal work is essential for personal growth and building a fulfilling, stable life.
Inaction is a Choice for More of the Same
Choosing not to make necessary life changes can create an illusion of passivity, as if you're simply staying still. In reality, life is always in motion, and not taking action towards positive changes means you are subconsciously choosing to stay on the same path. This path will lead to more of what you currently experience, be it dissatisfaction, stress, or unfulfilment.
Reframe this passive stance by recognising that every day, through your actions and inactions, you're shaping your future. Evaluating your daily choices and habits can illuminate where you're inadvertently choosing more of the same. This awareness fosters a sense of responsibility and agency, propelling you towards the necessary changes that align with the life you wish to lead.
Self-Respect Must be Earned
Self-respect is not something granted externally; it is earned through the alignment of actions and values. Earning self-respect involves knowing your values and consistently acting in accordance with them. When your behaviour mirrors your values, integrity and self-respect naturally follow.
Reflect on moments where you've felt shame or discomfort after certain actions. Such feelings often indicate a misalignment between your behaviour and your values. While perfection is unattainable, diligently striving to close this gap leads to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship with yourself. Achieving self-respect requires effort and honesty, but it's a gratifying journey that fortifies your self-esteem and personal integrity.
Embrace Self-Responsibility for Lasting Change
Central to these life lessons is the concept of self-responsibility. Only by fully embracing the responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and their consequences can you enact meaningful and lasting change. Recognising that you are the architect of your life brings a powerful sense of agency.
Taking responsibility might be daunting, but it is the cornerstone of personal development. Every decision, no matter how small, is a step toward crafting the life you desire. By actively choosing actions that align with your values and desired outcomes, you gradually build a fulfilling and respectful relationship with yourself.
Cultivate Self-Worth and Thrive
These life lessons—acknowledging that you cannot outrun yourself, understanding that inaction is a choice for more of the same, and recognising that self-respect must be earned—are fundamental for personal growth. They guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and encourage a proactive approach to life's challenges.
Embracing these lessons fosters a sense of self-worth and helps cultivate healthier relationships with others. They inspire you to confront internal issues, take meaningful actions, and align your behaviour with your values. As you internalise these lessons, you'll find that your relationship with yourself transforms, paving the way for a more content and fulfilling life.
By understanding and applying these principles, you embark on a journey to greater self-awareness, responsibility, and respect. This journey, while challenging, holds the promise of deep personal satisfaction and authentic happiness. Embrace these lessons and watch as they enrich your life, helping you to overcome insecurity and build thriving, healthy relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns despite changing partners or circumstances? What does this tell you about the internal work that might still be needed?
Reflect on a situation where you avoided making a necessary change. How did holding back affect your overall sense of fulfilment and self-respect?
Evaluate your current level of self-respect. Are your day-to-day actions aligned with your core values? Where do you see room for alignment and improvement?
Think back to a time when you acted out of alignment with your values. How did this impact your sense of self-worth and self-respect?
How do you currently handle feelings of discomfort or shame? Do you avoid facing them, or do you address the underlying causes?
In what ways do you find yourself blaming external circumstances for your unhappiness rather than taking self-responsibility? What changes could you make to shift this dynamic?
What beliefs or patterns from your past do you find most challenging to overcome? How can you start to reprogram these beliefs to create healthier relationships?
Reflect on an area in your life where you feel stuck. What small, actionable steps can you take today to start moving in a new direction?
How do you define self-respect for yourself? What are tangible actions you can take to cultivate it daily?
Visualise the kind of life and relationships you want. What actions and changes do you need to take now to start moving towards that vision?
These questions and prompts encourage self-reflection and action in alignment with the core themes of self-worth, self-respect, and self-responsibility discussed in the episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm sharing 3 pieces of advice or three life lessons that I wish I had learned sooner in life. Now, while I'm grateful to be relatively young and having learned these lessons, at least, you know, I think we're always learning and relearning lessons, but I feel like I've got a a reasonable grip on the 3 that I'm gonna share with you today. And while I'm grateful to have learned them relatively early on in life, I still wish I'd learned them sooner, and I think that I spent a lot of years in my late teens and early twenties flailing a little bit in terms of my relationship with myself and some of my relationships with others on account of not really having a grasp of these lessons. So these are all around the themes of self worth, self respect, self responsibility. And I think they're absolutely integral no matter where you sit on the attachment spectrum, no matter your age or situation or background. These are really foundational to any kind of positive relationship with self.
[00:01:30]:
So I'm looking forward to sharing these with you today. Before I dive into that, this is the final call to join the Secure Self Challenge, which, for those who are not familiar, is my 28 day challenge all about building self worth. We kick off next Monday, so about 5 days from when this will go live. And I would love to have you there. It's really short and sweet. It's very doable. It's kind of action oriented rather than really heavy theory and long lessons and lots of stuff to do. There's a strong community focus, so the community is already open.
[00:02:02]:
So if you were to sign up today, you would get an invite to the community where, you know, everyone is already sharing and connecting and getting to know each other. That's a space where you can also ask me questions and get feedback, and we've got a live call next week. So it's really great value. It's one of my most affordable actually, it is my most affordable live program, and I would absolutely love for you to be part of it. So if you're at all interested, definitely check it out. It's in the show notes. It's on my website, stephanierigg.com, and I would love to see you there. Okay.
[00:02:31]:
So let's dive into this conversation around 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Okay. The first one is you cannot outrun yourself, so wherever you go, there you are. I think this is so important because it's really easy for us to think that when we're in an unsatisfactory situation, relationship, job, whatever it might be, if you're feeling a bit stuck in life, particularly where there's a theme where it's kind of a recurring pattern and you've been there before, you've felt that way before, it's so easy to convince ourselves that changing the circumstances, leaving the relationship, or leaving the job, whatever, that doing that kind of outer work will resolve whatever inner conflict we're experiencing. And that's not to say that making environmental changes can't be part of that shift, that making healthier choices in terms of the relationships we're in or changing jobs if we're in a really toxic work environment, all of those things can be part of self growth. But if we're not actually addressing the root cause of how we got to where we are and what is it within us that has landed us in that pattern again and again, then there is every chance that you will find yourself in some version of that the next time around. It's it's very rare that without the self awareness and the intentional kind of reprogramming of those wounded parts of us, we're incredibly adept at recreating circumstances that bring us into contact with those things, that reaffirm our negative core beliefs about ourselves and that reflects those things back at us. So if you have a core belief that you are unworthy of being in a healthy relationship, there is every chance that you are going to subconsciously seek out partners who reinforce that belief and who leave you feeling like you are not worthy of a good relationship, that you have to prove yourself, that you have to earn love, that you are going to be rejected or abandoned or whatever in favor of someone else who is better than you.
[00:04:32]:
All of these things follow us. Those are unresolved things that really need our attention, and and we keep turning our back on these parts of us rather than doing the really scary but courageous work of actually facing it and opening the can of worms and going, okay, how did I get here? What is it within me? What happened in my past? What shaped me in this way so that I developed with these beliefs that have gotten me to this circumstance again and again and again. Now, it's not comfortable work, and that's why it's so easy to avoid, maybe to blame others or just to keep changing those external circumstances and running away from the problem, but when the problem is within us, there is no running away, there is no outrunning of you. So the first lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is wherever you go, there you are. Your patterns are coming with you unless and until you do the work to resolve them and to really learn a new way of being. Okay. The second one that I want to share with you is by not changing, by not making changes that you know you need to make, you are choosing more of the same. So what do I mean by this? I think that when we are not taking action towards a big life change, or maybe a little life change, right, it could be just habit change, and this isn't just about relationships, this could be something like having healthier habits around, like, diet and exercise.
[00:06:00]:
It could be anything. But I think we tell ourselves that by not making the changes that we know we need to make, we're doing nothing. We're staying still. We're staying stuck. But really, we're always in forward motion. Okay? So you're either in forward motion down the path that is leading you to more of what you want, being the kind of life you want, the kind of feelings you want to have about yourself, about others, about the world, fulfillment, joy, peace, self respect, all of those things, you're either walking down that path or you are walking down the path that is leading you to more of what you do not want. So that might be more of the same. But know that in not making the changes and not taking action towards those changes, you are choosing more of the same.
[00:06:48]:
So just reframing it from a passive to an active thing, I think, really wakes us up a bit to the self responsibility involved in that of, oh, okay. I'm not just staying still. It's not that I'm stagnant and passively existing in my life. Every day that I wake up and I just go through the motions of reenacting all of my habituated patterns, all of my conditioned ways of being, I make the choices that I know are not in service of how I want to live my life and the kind of life that I want. In doing those things, I am actively choosing more of the more of what is keeping me feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, stressed, burnt out, whatever it might be. You're choosing that by not making the changes that you know you need to make. So that is something that I absolutely wish I had learned sooner because I think that that would have jolted me a little into a bit more self responsibility, a bit more agency, having a bit of a wake up call of, like, this is on you. You can keep, like, living your life in this autopilot mode and making all of those changes, like, a down the track thing, you know, oh, I'll do that, like, next year or later when I have more time, when I can be bothered, or when things get really bad, whatever it might be.
[00:08:02]:
That's not just, like, saving it for later. That's choosing more of the same. It is walking further and further down the path that you don't want to be walking down. So be aware of that. Really audit. Where am I choosing a life that I don't want? And am I contributing every day through my actions, through my tendencies, through my habits, to the formation of a life that is not fulfilling to me? And what do I need to change today in order to change direction towards something that actually sounds good to me and sounds appealing to me in terms of the life that I want to be living. Okay. The third lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is that self respect is something that you have to earn.
[00:08:46]:
Now, I've spoken before on the podcast about self respect. I think that self respect is so, so important. I am far more interested in cultivating self respect than self love, not because I think there's anything wrong with self love, but I just think self respect is much more powerful in a really strong, authentic relationship with self. And for me, self respect is all about value alignment. So, am I showing up in a way that reflects my values? Do I know who I am? Am I comfortable with who I am? And do I act from that place? Or is there this big incongruence, this big gap between the kind of person I say I want to be and the way that I'm showing up? And I think it's a really good telltale sign that there is that gap if you often feel like shame, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation about the way that you've acted after the fact. So if you've done something that feels really icky and out of alignment and you don't feel good about it, that's a good sign of, like, what is that telling me? Where have I not met my own standards for the kind of person that I want to be? And It's not about perfectionism, it's not about holding ourselves to an impossibly high standard of never making a mistake, but I think we all know when we're out of integrity, and self respect is just such an important thing to earn, and the good news is that you can earn it through the choices that you make and the actions that you take. You might notice that in each of these lessons that I'm sharing with you, there's a strong focus on actions and agency and self responsibility because I think that those things are really what is within our control. And so much of personal development advice is a bit abstract and really suffers from that.
[00:10:27]:
I think it's like, you know, stop comparing yourself to other people, and be kind to yourself, and be loving, and whatever. Those things can just feel so out of reach if all of that stuff is muscle memory, second nature, that's just so deep in your programming that you don't really know where to start. The actions that you take on a day to day basis are much more concrete, and they're kind of easier to shine a light on and easier to see where the choice is. So we can go, oh, there's actually capacity for me to start building out a new branch from the tree here. There's actually capacity for me to choose a new way with this action, and then the action after that, and then the action after that, and really just start that process of compounding that allows us to build out a new relationship with ourselves and a new way of being. So self respect is not something that is just going to magically appear in your life. It's not something that you can think into being. You really do have to earn it, and I think that that is a good thing.
[00:11:24]:
This is not like saying you need to earn someone else's love or earn someone's approval, which I think generally carries a negative connotation. When I say self respect needs to be earned, I think that is really calling you forth into a level of self responsibility and accountability in your relationship with yourself. And to the extent that you feel you're lacking self respect, there might be a reason for it. Okay? And that's kind of a hard truth that a lot of us maybe shy away from, but I think it's an important one. And certainly for me, And I've shared this before at the times in my life when I really lacked self respect. When I look back on it now, I think that that was exactly as it should have been because I wasn't behaving in a way that garnered self respect. I really wasn't, and I think that the discomfort that I felt with that, the lack of integrity, was a really important alarm bell that was pointing me towards where my work was. And I am so fortunate, and I'm so relationship with myself, because I can really comfortably say now that I do have that internal relationship of self respect, and that's so freeing.
[00:12:35]:
It contributes so much to a really embodied sense of self esteem. It's really being able to hand on heart say I'm comfortable with who I am, so that's been a huge one for me, and it's why I'm so bullish on self respect relative to other things like self love. So those were 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Just to recap quickly, it's wherever you go, there you are. You cannot outrun your patterns. They're coming with you until you, turn around and face them and do that courageous work of really tending to the parts of you that need your attention. The second one was by not making the changes that you know you need to make, you are actively choosing more of the same. So it's not just do nothing or make a change, it's continue walking down the path that I don't want to be walking down or walk down a different path.
[00:13:24]:
Okay? So really shifting into more of an active role there in the constant creation of whatever your life is. And the third one is that self respect is earned. So you need to actively do the work through your day to day actions of bringing your values and your choices, your behaviors into alignment so that you have that real sense of integrity. I really hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed today's episode, I really do encourage you to sign up to the Secure Self Challenge. This is very much in keeping with what we talk about there and the lessons that we're putting into practice over the 28 days of the challenge. So I would absolutely love to see you there if this is up your alley, as it is mine. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:14]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self worth, self respect, self responsibility, attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, life lessons, self awareness, inner conflict, core beliefs, personal growth, environmental changes, self growth, unresolved issues, subconscious patterns, negative core beliefs, relationship advice, self esteem, value alignment, integrity, self respect vs self love, self respect actions, self respect behaviors, self responsibility in relationships, changing habits, choosing life paths, improving self respect, self respect development