#121 What is Emotional Availability?
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability. Emotional availability is one of those terms that is thrown around a lot on social media - and it seems like everybody is on the lookout for the "emotionally unavailable" people that are to be avoided at all costs. But as always, I think it's important to approach these conversations with nuance and curiosity, before slapping labels on others and declaring them to be the problem. As we discuss in this episode, our focus on others' emotional unavailability can often mask the parts of us that are hiding behind inauthenticity.
Emotional availability is a crucial concept in modern relationships, especially in an era dominated by social media. It refers to an individual's emotional maturity, ability to articulate feelings, openness to honest conversations, and capacity to express themselves authentically without resorting to games or misleading behaviors. This definition underscores the importance of authenticity, emotional maturity, and genuine connections in relationships.
What is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability is often discussed in the context of dating and relationships. It's a term that encapsulates the ability to be present and engaged in a relationship emotionally. An emotionally available person is someone who is capable of sharing their feelings, understands and respects their partner's emotional needs, and is willing to be vulnerable. This characteristic is essential for building a deep, meaningful connection with others.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
It's critical to consider your own emotional availability. Self-reflection helps in understanding why one might be attracted to individuals who exhibit traits of emotional unavailability. By exploring our behaviors and tendencies, especially in the context of anxious attachment patterns, we can identify and address issues like people-pleasing and approval-seeking. This awareness is vital for personal growth and healthier relationships.
Recognising Emotional Unavailability in Anxious Attachment Patterns
Emotional unavailability can often manifest in anxious attachment patterns. This might involve performing, shapeshifting, and constantly seeking validation, driven by a fear of being unlovable. Such behaviors often lead to presenting a curated persona, hindering the ability to form genuine connections. Emotional unavailability, in this context, stems from a lack of authenticity and honesty.
Accepting Authenticity and Vulnerability
Embracing authenticity and vulnerability is fundamental in relationships. Genuine connections require individuals to be true to themselves, without resorting to a curated version for validation or control. This approach fosters meaningful connections and establishes trust, leading to more fulfilling and sustainable relationships.
Embracing Change and Growth
Showing up as your true self, even at the risk of rejection, is essential for attracting and cultivating relationships with emotionally available partners. It's about embracing your entirety without the need for performance or inauthenticity. In summary, understanding and embracing emotional availability is key to developing genuine, meaningful relationships. Through self-reflection, embracing authenticity and vulnerability, and being open to change and growth, individuals can foster deeper connections based on mutual emotional availability. This journey towards emotional maturity not only enhances personal well-being but also enriches our relationships with others.
Questions for Reflection & Discussion
1. What do you think emotional availability means to you after listening to the episode? How does it differ from your previous understanding, if at all?
2. Stephanie mentions the importance of emotional authenticity and maturity in relationships. Do you think you are emotionally available to your partners or friends? Why or why not?
3. How do you think emotional availability impacts the dynamics of a relationship? Do you agree with Stephanie's perspective that it's more fruitful to start within ourselves when it comes to emotional availability?
4. Is there a particular instance in your life where you found yourself attracted to emotionally unavailable people?
5. Stephanie talks about anxious attachment patterns and the tendency to shapeshift in relationships. Have you ever experienced this behaviour in yourself or others?
6. How do you feel about the concept of "performing" in relationships? Do you think this is a common behavior, and if so, how does it affect emotional availability?
7. Stephanie talks about the inherent discomfort in receiving emotional availability when one is accustomed to not receiving it. Have you ever experienced a similar discomfort in your own life? How did you handle it?
8. Stephanie discusses the toll of inauthenticity and its impact on relationships. Can you identify instances in your life where inauthenticity affected your relationships, and if so, how did you navigate this?
9. Stephanie emphasises the importance of trust and being fully oneself in a relationship. What steps do you think you can take to build this trust and authenticity in your own relationships?
Further Links & Resources
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about emotional availability or emotional unavailability. I think that this is one of those terms and one of those concepts that's thrown around a lot, particularly in the world of instagram and social media more broadly when we're talking about dating and red flags and what to look for and building healthy relationships. And I think that's with good reason. But I also think it's really important, as always, to approach these sorts of big labels with a level of nuance and articulating.
[00:01:06]:
What does it really mean when we're talking about emotional availability? What are we looking for in other people? And I would argue, more importantly, what does that look like within us? Because I think it's really easy to focus on the ways in which someone else might be, quote unquote, emotionally unavailable and almost distract ourselves with all of their shortcomings and everything that we want them to change, while overlooking the ways in which we might be exhibiting certain signs of emotional unavailability, albeit maybe taking a different form. I think that a lot of the time the trope of the unavailable person is someone who is more avoidant and aloof and hot and cold and you can't really seem to crack them and you don't know what's what. And so while if you're more anxious leaning, you might not fit that description, I think there are some less obvious ways that we can ourselves be emotionally unavailable and in so doing can prevent the kind of deeper, more authentic connection that we really crave. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before we dive into that, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment is still open for registration. We had the Black Friday sale over the weekend, which has now ended, but you are still able to join at the usual early bird price. All of that is on my website. For those who are interested, we've got just shy of 300 people in the past week or so, which is just amazing.
[00:02:33]:
And it's always so gratifying for me to see people coming into the programme and feeling so much optimism and so much commitment to really making some changes in their blueprint when it comes to relationship to self and others. So if that feels like something that you would like to take steps towards, I'd love to see you inside the programme. And as I said, all of that should be relatively easy to find on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around emotional availability. So I think it's useful to frame the discussion by asking, what do we mean when we talk about emotional availability, I think it probably means different things to different people, as I said, because it's a term that's tossed around so liberally. I think everyone's probably got their own version of what that means when they are talking about emotional availability or unavailability. But what I think of this term as meaning is someone who is mature emotionally, who's able to articulate themselves, who's open to having conversations with other people when it comes to not only emotions but anything else that might arise concerns, boundaries, those sorts of things. Someone who is authentically themselves, who isn't playing games, who isn't misleading, who isn't performing.
[00:03:54]:
Someone who you feel really comfortable with because you feel like you're connecting with that person in their true expression, rather than feeling like there's facades and there's masks and tricks and games which are not always coming from a place of malice or an intention to manipulate. But I think when we lack internal security, we resort to all sorts of tactics to try and win over people's approval or present a certain version of ourselves. And as I'll come to shortly, I think that we can fall prey to those sorts of tactics no matter where we sit on the spectrum. We can engage in those things as a way to create a semblance of comfort, confidence, safety for ourselves, even if ultimately it's kind of trapping us in something that isn't truly authentic. So I think that that's really the essence of it for me is that emotional availability is authenticity and emotional maturity. So I think that when we have this conception of the person, I think it's most often used in the context of dating. Although of course, emotional availability is relevant and important in any relationship, romantic or not. I think that it most often comes up in the context of dating.
[00:05:15]:
And it's like, how do I spot someone who's emotionally unavailable so I can avoid them like the plague and save myself the trouble? And I think that again, I understand the desire to steer clear of people who maybe aren't in the same place as you or don't want the same things as you or don't have the capacity that you seek in. A partner in terms of having that deeper connection and that emotionality and vulnerability between you that allows you to really feel like you can trust them. But what I think is much more interesting than listing out traits of things to avoid in other people, as you guys would know if you've followed my work for a while and listened to the podcast. I think the much more illuminating analysis is what is it within me that feels attracted to that in the first place? Because it's really easy. I've done an episode on this before and the reasons we might be attracted to unavailable people. And I think that it's really easy to kind of throw up our hands and say everyone's so emotionally unavailable. And I'm not. The problem doesn't lie with me.
[00:06:23]:
It's everyone else in the dating pool who's the problem. And I just need to sharpen my tools in terms of avoiding the bad people and then all my problems will be solved. And if only it were that simple. I think that what we really need to get honest about is there's something within me that is attracted to that or that feels some sense of comfort in the dynamic of chasing the unavailable person, of performing, of gameplaying, of tiptoeing around that, of trying to earn the love and approval of someone. And I think that we have to see that within ourselves and get really curious about it because that comes with its own form of emotional unavailability, right? This is really speaking more to the anxious experience because as I said, I think that the stereotype of the emotionally unavailable person is someone who's more kind of classically, typically avoidant. But I think emotional unavailability in the context of more anxious attachment patterns tends to manifest as performing as shapeshifting, like being a mirror for someone else. If they say that they like something, you quickly agree and say you like it too. Or if they want to do something, you agree and you acquiesce and you just follow someone else's lead all the time and kind of lose yourself in the process.
[00:07:47]:
And of course we know that that can come from a lot of different things of really just wanting to be chosen or feeling like being low maintenance is the way to be loved. And that to be difficult is to be unlovable. All of those things that we've talked about before on the show. But the reality is that when we conceal so much of ourselves, when we bury so much of ourselves or subdue certain parts of us that we fear are unworthy of love or unacceptable or make us difficult, we're not being emotionally available either because we're not being authentic, we're not being honest. We're presenting a very carefully crafted, curated view of us that we think is going to be the ticket to kind of controlling for an outcome. And oftentimes that outcome is being chosen and having someone love us and not doing anything that could possibly jeopardise the connection. But when we do that, we are inadvertently jeopardising the connection because we're not authentically being there. We're not showing up as our true selves, we're not maybe advocating for ourselves, we're not just being forthcoming with how we're feeling something that might be bothering us.
[00:08:54]:
All of that is part of emotional availability as well. And so I think it's really important to see how these things interface with each other and that while it is really much easier to just point the finger at someone who's unavailable in more obvious ways, we can say, what do you mean? I'm available all the time. I'm always available if you want to hang out with me, how could you be calling me emotionally unavailable? I have big emotions. I think there's a little more to it than that. And I think that if we return to at least how I think of emotional availability as being honesty, authenticity and emotional maturity and all the things that flow from that, I think we can see that maybe we are attracted to and attracting people who maybe mirror where we are at in terms of our own emotional availability. And so it might be useful and enlightening to kind of reflect on that and go okay, maybe I'm getting back what I'm putting out and start there. Always starting there I think is a good idea, starting with ourselves because it can be. We were having a conversation in my small group coaching programme earlier today and someone was sharing that their partner is really showing up and it's quite daunting because she is really accustomed to burying needs or working really, really hard to just get scraps of attention from someone or scraps of validation.
[00:10:27]:
And it can actually be quite disconcerting or quite foreign to your system. When you are met with someone's availability and consistency and care and attention and support, all of a sudden your system might sort of reject it and push it away and go I don't know how to receive that because I'm so accustomed to not receiving that and to fighting for it only to be disappointed. And there's some sort of weird familiarity in that dynamic and it leaves me feeling really out of my depths when all of a sudden someone is available. And I think that often it's in those situations that we are shown our own work because we might all of a sudden feel a lot of resistance coming up, feel that all of a sudden we have nowhere to hide. And that's really scary. If we've always blamed the other person for the lack of connection or the lack of depth or the lack of commitment and all of a sudden they're showing up with depth and connection and commitment and then we're pushed to go okay, well, who am I going to be in response to that? Am I ready for those things? Am I ready to be seen and known? Because when we haven't had that in the past, it's a really, really scary thing and it really raises the stakes. It's, as I said, in a weird sort of way, much more comfortable to just sit in the dissatisfaction and kind of lament the fact that someone won't change but all the while being comforted by the fact that they're the problem and it's not us. So all of that to say, I think that in this conversation around emotional availability, it helps to broaden the lens on what that means and what that can look like and what the converse emotional unavailability.
[00:12:13]:
How that can show up in ways that we might not typically associate with emotional unavailability in the more common sense of avoidance and associated behaviours. And going, oh, is my lack of authenticity in terms of my people pleasing and my approval seeking and my tiptoeing and my strategizing and all of those little things that I do behind the scenes to try and control for the outcome that I want. Maybe that's emotional unavailability too, and maybe that's blocking some of the connection that I really crave. So maybe my freedom and my relief and a new way of being in relationships requires me to change the inputs on my side of the equation and to kind of lay down some of those old strategies and take the brave steps towards showing up more authentically and trusting that if that does yield to the worst case scenario that our fear would have us believe, if we show up authentically and honestly and we stop curating this perfect version of ourselves that we think will be the lovable version, and we just allow ourselves to be enough. If someone leaves in response to that, well, I think that that's kind of a blessing in disguise, because otherwise you're locked into a lifetime of performance and a lifetime of inauthenticity, and that's a really, really tiring game to play. So I think that there's a lot to be said for just trusting that for the right person or people, you, all of you, it's going to be enough. In fact, it's going to be delightful and lovable and wonderful and that someone who is themselves emotionally available and who has done that work is going to be ready for all of it and is going to have realistic expectations about what it means to be in a relationship. And you don't have to bury parts of yourself or feelings or fears or insecurities, you don't have to try and hide that from someone in order to trick them into loving you.
[00:14:23]:
As I said, that's a really exhausting way to be in relationship and I think it's one that sooner or later really catches up with us and tends not to give us what we really desire, which is safety in relationships. So I hope that that has been helpful given you something to think about when it comes to emotional availability. And as I said, of course we can look out for that in other people, but I think it's always more fruitful to start within and start with ourselves and the way we're showing up and watch that ripple out. So thank you so much for joining me, I'm so grateful for all of your support. The spotify wrapped, year in review stuff has come out today and I'm being tagged by so many beautiful people who have been staunch supporters of the show and I've seen some amazing statistics on my side, people listening all over the world and I'm just eternally grateful always for your support. So thanks for being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:15:29]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon. It's.
Embracing Change and Growth
attachment, emotional availability, emotional unavailability, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, dating, red flags, authenticity, emotional maturity, boundaries, self-esteem, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, emotional connection, vulnerability, self-discovery, personal growth, relationship coaching, self-acceptance, self-reflection, personal development, people-pleasing, approval seeking, fear of rejection, intimacy, emotional intelligence, authenticity in relationships, self-awareness, resilience.
#119 Am I People-Pleasing or Just Being Nice?
In today's episode, we're talking all about people-pleasing: what it is, why we do it, and how it's different to "just being a nice person". For many of us, people pleasing is second nature. We are so accustomed to accommodating others and burying our own feelings and needs that we don't even realise we're doing it.
In today's episode, we're talking all about people-pleasing: what it is, why we do it, and how it's different to "just being a nice person". For many of us, people pleasing is second nature. We are so accustomed to accommodating others and burying our own feelings and needs that we don't even realise we're doing it.
Unfortunately, this typically leads us to feel disconnected, lonely and exhausted - not to mention it usually backfires insofar as building healthy relationships is concerned.
The Difference Between People-Pleasing and Being Kind
Relationships play a crucial role in shaping our lives, and the way we attach to others can greatly impact our experiences. In today's fast-paced world, the topic of people-pleasing frequently comes up in conversations about relationships and self-awareness. People often wrestle with the question: "Am I a people pleaser or just a nice person?" This internal conflict can lead to confusion and anxiety, creating a need for clarity.
Understanding People-Pleasing:
People-pleasing is more than just being kind or considerate. It is a learned strategy aimed at gaining control and ensuring safety in relationships. It involves micromanaging interactions, opinions, and emotions to maintain approval and acceptance. When people-pleasing becomes ingrained in our behaviour, it can lead to a loss of self-identity and a disconnect from our authentic desires and values.
Effects of People-Pleasing:
The constant need to please others can leave us feeling exhausted, as we portray a version of ourselves that is not entirely genuine. We might find ourselves trapped in a facade, unable to break free from the expectations we have set. Alternatively, if our attempts at people-pleasing don't yield the desired results, we can be overwhelmed by feelings of failure and disappointment. Moreover, the prolonged focus on catering to others can leave us with a deep sense of loneliness, as we lose touch with our own needs and values.
Differentiating Kindness from People-Pleasing:
Kindness, on the other hand, stems from a place of authenticity and empathy, rather than being a calculated strategy. A genuinely kind person does not seek to control outcomes or seek validation through their actions. True kindness is not burdened by the fear of disapproval or rejection. It exists without an agenda or the need for external validation. When we address the underlying fears and wounds that drive people-pleasing tendencies, we can connect with our kindness in a more authentic and liberated manner.
Recognising the Human Experience:
It's important to remember that occasional instances of adapting to social dynamics or seeking approval are part of the human experience. We all engage in these behaviours from time to time, and it's natural to adjust our behaviour in different social contexts. However, the concern arises when these adjustments become the primary way we navigate the world, and we lose touch with our genuine selves.
Embracing Authenticity:
Embracing authenticity and asserting our true selves may initially feel uncomfortable, especially if we have been entrenched in people-pleasing patterns for a long time. It requires making peace with the fact that not everyone will like us, and that's okay. Accepting this reality grants us the freedom to express ourselves genuinely, without the need for external validation or control. It offers a path to self-discovery and a deeper connection with others.
Healing and Growth:
At the core of addressing people-pleasing tendencies is the need to tend to the underlying wounds and fears. This process involves showing compassion and understanding to the parts of ourselves that yearn for approval and fear rejection. By acknowledging and nurturing these vulnerable aspects, we can embark on a journey of healing and personal growth.
Moving Forward:
Recognising the distinction between people-pleasing and kindness empowers us to navigate relationships and interactions with greater authenticity. It allows us to form genuine connections with others and fosters a deeper sense of self-awareness. Embracing our authentic selves provides a profound sense of liberation and opens the door to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion:
The journey from people-pleasing to genuine kindness is a transformative one. By cultivating awareness of our behaviours and motivations, we can release the grip of people-pleasing tendencies and embrace a more authentic way of relating to others. It's a journey that requires courage, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore and nurture our true selves. As we embark on this journey, we can create deeper connections, reclaim our sense of identity, and experience the profound freedom that comes with embracing authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself often trying to please others in your relationships? How does this impact your sense of self?
Are you aware of any underlying fears or wounds that may drive your people-pleasing behaviours? How can you tend to these underlying emotions?
Reflect on a time when you felt the need to constantly shape-shift or contort yourself to fit in or avoid conflict. How did this impact your sense of authenticity and self-worth?
Have you ever felt the pressure to earn approval and validation from others at the expense of your true self? How did this make you feel, and what underlying emotions might be at play?
Consider a situation where you felt the need to hide or suppress parts of yourself in order to be accepted by others. How did this impact your ability to form genuine connections and relationships?
Have you ever felt burnt out or resentful due to constantly seeking approval and validation from others? How did this affect your mental and emotional well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt afraid of not being liked or approved of by others. What underlying wounds or fears do you think might be contributing to this fear?
Have you ever felt like you were performing for others rather than being your true self? How did this impact your confidence and self-awareness?
Do you struggle with the concept of self-trust and asserting yourself in relationships? How can you work on building trust in your own intuition and authenticity?
In what ways can you cultivate a greater sense of authenticity and self-worth, free from the need for constant approval and validation from others?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment Black Friday Sale
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about people pleasing. So this is a topic that I've touched on before on the show and is one that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. It's one of those terms that I think bounces around so much in the world of Insta therapy and lots of online content.
[00:00:53]:
But I'm prompted to talk about this today by a question that I received on Instagram yesterday, which was, how do I know if I'm a people pleaser or if I'm just a nice person? And I thought it was a good question because for a lot of people I think it can be a little confusing. And something I see all the time is this tendency to almost police our own behaviours and worry that, oh, am I being empathetic because I'm empathetic, or am I being empathetic because I'm manipulative or self sacrificing? And I think we can almost create more anxiety for ourselves because we don't have clarity around what the difference is and what distinguishes one thing from another. And I think, spoiler alert, it's rarely that we're one or the other. It's not that people pleasing means you can't be a nice person. People pleasing is just one of many strategies that you might have picked up along the way, as a way to keep yourself safe, as a way to navigate relationships when you didn't know any better. But as with so many of these subconscious patterns and strategies, they can follow us through life and they can become part of our identity, or at least so second nature, that we actually don't know what the alternative looks like. It feels so foreign to us to do things differently. And so, as always, I'm hoping that by shining a bit of a light on that and cultivating more awareness of what distinguishes people pleasing from just being a nice person and how you can maybe release the grip on some of those people pleasing behaviours and start to tend to the underlying wounds that drive those behaviours, then you are free to be your kind, generous, loving self without an agenda or without strings attached.
[00:02:50]:
And I also think that when we stop with the people pleasing all the time, it allows us to form far more genuine connections. Because when we're people pleasing much of the time, we're pretending. And it's hard to form an authentic relationship when you're not really letting someone see you, when you are just mirroring back to them what you think they want to hear or who you think they want you to be. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that quick announcement, that healing anxious attachment you've probably heard me share over the past week or two, healing anxious attachment is coming back next week, just in time for Black Friday. There's already about 1300 people on the waitlist, which is wonderful. Those on the waitlist are going to get access to the Black Friday sale, which is the lowest price I've offered the course at since the very first round I ever ran of the programme over 18 months ago. So if you're at all interested, now is a really good time.
[00:03:53]:
If maybe you've been on the fence previously, if the timing hasn't been right, maybe it's been a bit of a stretch. Financially, this round is a really great one to join because it is just that little bit more affordable. And I'm also including some exciting bonuses like a live Q and A with me. Ordinarily that has been a paid upgrade, but this time I'm including it for everybody. So if you're interested, the link to join the waitlist is in the show notes, or you can head directly to my website and you should be able to find that. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around people pleasing. So, as I said in the introduction, I think that people pleasing is a strategy. And I think it's mostly a strategy to feel more in control.
[00:04:41]:
That somewhere along the way we learned that keeping ourselves safe meant micromanaging our relationships, micromanaging other people's opinions of us, micromanaging other people's emotions, and that it was our responsibility to work really hard to do that by saying, by deferring to what other people want, what other people think, what other people expect, adopting their opinions as our own, going with the flow all the time, even when it doesn't really work for us, saying yes, when we may know all of these things that I think really can lead to an abandonment of self and really a loss of self. And you would know, if you've listened to the podcast for a while, that I think that disconnection with self is really at the heart of anxious attachment. Oftentimes we think that if I can just prioritise the relationship and keep the relationship intact and give of myself incessantly to this person, this relationship, then that's all I need. That's what's going to keep me safe. That's what's going to make me happy, then I'll be okay. But the way that we go about this can really lead us astray. Because not only as I alluded to in the introduction, does it actually make it much harder to connect with someone in any authentic way. When we're adopting all of these masks, when we are contorting ourselves, when we're shapeshifting, when we're one person one day and another person the next day, when we're subduing certain parts of ourselves and then amplifying parts of ourselves that maybe aren't very true to us all in this effort, this tireless effort to be liked, to be approved of, to be accepted, to belong, I think that it's really, really exhausting.
[00:06:43]:
And what I often see happen is you'll either end up in this scenario where it works, so to speak, in that you get the validation and the approval that you're seeking by playing that game. But then that means that you're kind of locked into that, right? You're locked into the facade. It's sort of like if you tell a lie and then you get stuck in it and you've just got to keep perpetuating it on and on because that's the representation that you've made and you're kind of stuck with it. I think the same can be true when we are pretending in our relationships, when we're not being fully honest or authentic in the way that we represent ourselves. And so I think either it works and you're trapped in the falsehood of being someone that you aren't, or it doesn't work in that the person that you're trying to impress, the person whose love you're trying to earn, doesn't want you or rejects you or doesn't approve of you in the way that you would hope. And then you feel like a failure because you've convinced yourself that it's your job to make them feel a certain way about you and that that's within your control to engineer that outcome. And I think that that's really an illusion that we have that much control. My therapist always says that you're less powerful than you think in the context of when you are someone who thinks that you can orchestrate all of those things and manage everyone's emotions and control the way everyone thinks.
[00:08:15]:
About you. I think sometimes it's a good reminder you're not that powerful. Right? So good to be humbled in some ways, when we notice ourselves going into those patterns of thinking that it is our job to manage all of that. Because, as I said, it's really exhausting and often leaves us feeling empty and like a failure. And to make matters worse, we don't really know who we are because we've spent such a long time in that mode of flip flopping and just trying to make everyone else happy. And we don't even really know who we are, what we want, what we think, what we feel. And there's a real grief that comes with that, a real loneliness that comes with not knowing yourself. I've said before, much of the time when I work with anxiously attached folks, and part of the work will be to get clearer around your values, your needs, your wants.
[00:09:13]:
And most of the time people are really stumped because they've never really thought about it. All they've ever done, all they've ever known is to mirror the wants, needs, values of the people around them, to adopt those things as their own, as a way to fit in or to not rock the boat and not be difficult, because we've absorbed some sort of message that to be different is to be difficult, and to be difficult is to be unlovable. And I think that, again, that makes a lot of sense, if that's been your story. But as with so many of these patterns, it's really important to recognise that whatever environment we were in that gave rise to those patterns. We're not there anymore. And we are adults with choice and responsibility, and we don't have to keep operating on the same painful autopilot that has gotten us to where we are. We can learn a new way, even if it's uncomfortable. And it will be uncomfortable to contemplate the possibility of asserting yourself, of advocating for yourself, of disagreeing with someone and maybe having them think poorly of you.
[00:10:32]:
Making your peace with the fact that not everyone will like you, and that you can't control that if you want to be yourself. I think that there is a real freedom that comes with that, once you can make your peace with it, but it is, as a starting point, really uncomfortable if that's not been your way. I know a lot of people really can't tolerate the idea that someone's angry at them, that someone's disappointed in them, that someone thinks they're rude. Any of these things can feel really threatening to your whole identity, your whole sense of self, which is crafted on being nice and easy going and not causing a fuss, not rocking the boat. If that's been really fundamental to how you identify yourself, then the idea of departing from that can be really uncomfortable. But often it's part of the journey. Now to return to the original question, which was, how is this different to just being a nice person? I think essentially just being a nice person, just being kind, being generous, being loving, being authentic. It's not based in strategy.
[00:11:35]:
It's not something that you are thinking about a lot. You're not calculating, you're not working really hard behind the scenes to manufacture a certain outcome. And indeed, you're not actually all that invested in an outcome or attached to an outcome. You're not monitoring someone's response to you. And then if they don't respond the way you think they should have, or you'd hoped that they would, then that's a problem. And you feel like you've failed, or you feel like there's something very wrong, and you take it personally and you think about it and you dwell on it. Maybe you feel a lot of shame or stress. I don't think that just being kind has that sort of emotional baggage or residue attached to it.
[00:12:19]:
I think once you tend to the underlying fears and wounds, you're able to be kind and generous and loving without fear, without an agenda, without strings attached, without feeling like you do need to control, or that your sense of self is tethered to the way that someone responds to you. And I do want to mention as well, because I think, as I said, with terms like people pleasing, I think we can take it to extremes and pathologize ourselves if we notice ourselves ever doing this. And I think, let's be honest, we all do this from time to time. We all people please. We all adapt ourselves to certain situations and people and dynamics. And I think that that's fine. It is what it is. I think where it becomes a problem is where it is compromising your inner sense of integrity and your awareness of who you are.
[00:13:09]:
And so if it becomes your only way or the predominant way that you move about the world, that you're always flip flopping, that you're always shapeshifting, that you're always contorting yourself such that you've lost connection with who the you is underneath all of that, that it's always this performance and that it's just trading one mask for another. And you don't actually know what is true or authentic to you when you feel burnt out by it, when you feel resentful. I think that's when it crosses over into being a concern, being something that we want to look at. It's not about being overly vigilant of, oh, I actually behave a certain way in front of my boss because I'm trying to impress them and I wouldn't do that in front of my friend. Does that mean I'm a people pleaser? No, I think that that means you're human and that's perfectly fine. But as I said, when we do feel like it's only masks and facades and performances, and so much of our self worth hinges on our ability to earn the approval and validation of others, that's when we want to look at these things. Because ultimately, there's a part of you underneath all of that that is terrified of what would happen if you didn't people please.
[00:14:23]:
Part of you that's absolutely terrified of the idea that someone could not like you or could disapprove of you. And that's the part of you that needs your attention, because that's probably a very old wound and that needs some love and compassion and understanding rather than just trying to kind of forcefully change the behaviour that springs from it. Okay? So I hope that's given you something to think about, something to reflect on. And as I said, if this resonates with you and you notice these patterns within yourself, definitely recommend you cheque out healing anxious attachment next week as we talk about all of this stuff and so much more in the course. And I would love to see you there. So make sure to jump on the waitlist in the show notes if you haven't already. Otherwise, thank you for joining me and I will see you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:15:16]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, people pleasing, empathy, self-sacrificing, subconscious patterns, identity, genuine connections, anxious attachment, values, needs, authenticity, strategy, control, approval, emotional baggage, pathologize, integrity, performance, self-worth, validation, compassion, reflection, self-discovery, emotional resilience, online content, relationships, Black Friday sale, live Q&A