#106 Retroactive Jealousy: Navigating Discomfort With Our Partner's Past
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
We’ll cover:
Impacting our self worth
Looking for skeletons and reasons to not trust
If you should share the jealousy with your partner
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about retroactive jealousy, which for anyone who's not familiar with the term, refers to being preoccupied with jealousy about the past and particularly in the context of a relationship about your partner's past and maybe their past relationships. So this is something that a lot of people reach out to me about and I receive a lot of questions about. It can look like a comparison with a partner's exes or just obsessive preoccupation with what came before you and I think to the point where it can feel really all-consuming and can be really feeding a lot of insecurity. In the relationship and can really impact our connection and all of the other good things that we would want to be cultivating in our relationship in the present moment.
[00:01:18]:
It really can take us out of the here and now and create so much stress in our bodies and in our relationship with our partners when we're obsessing about things that may or may not have happened in the past. So I'm going to be talking a little bit about that today, why you might experience that and some ways that you can process it and work through it. And hopefully that will give you a little bit more context. For it and allow you to feel a bit more supported and able to work through those things as and when they arise rather than just panicking or spiralling or feeding all of those obsessive thoughts in a way that ultimately doesn't get you what you're wanting. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to say that my building Trust Masterclass, which I ran recently, if you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and you want to be able to reframe the way that you relate to trust within yourself and in your relationship, that might be a good one to cheque out. If the content of today's episode resonates with you and you know that trust is an area that you could use some additional support in, then definitely cheque out the building Trust Masterclass as it's very much a deep dive on all things trust, both self trust and relational trust. Okay, so let's talk about retroactive jealousy.
[00:02:41]:
As I said in the introduction, retroactive jealousy is jealousy about things that have happened in the past. And particularly when we're talking about it in a relationship, it's usually referring to things that have happened in your partner's past. So maybe their past relationships or other chapters of their life that preceded your relationship and feeling really jealous about that. I think it's important to set the scene in this conversation and normalise that for all of us. I think we can have this irrational possessiveness to varying degrees, where we might not love the idea of our partner having been in past relationships or having had sexual partners or other experiences in their life that predated us, particularly if we're hearing about that in any detail. I think it's pretty normal to have a level of discomfort or something within you that isn't crazy about hearing about those things, doesn't love it. But I think when we're talking about retroactive jealousy in the context of this discussion, it's really more than that, right? It's not mild discomfort, it's really fixating on it, becoming quite threatened by it. So feeling like your partner's past is in some way threatening to your relationship in the present and all of the things that go along with that.
[00:03:59]:
So feeling like you need to gather all of the information and know all of the details and maybe stalk your partner's exes or compare yourself to them. Find all of this data on them so that you can assess. The level of risk, which I think is a good warning sign that there's more going on there for us when we notice those behaviours come up. I think that's where it goes from being a normal, understandable level of discomfort to okay, this is really being driven by some fear and insecurity in me. And what might that be about? Can I get a little curious? So I think there are a few different possible causes of retroactive jealousy or reasons we might feel that way or struggle with that in our relationships. I think an obvious one is unworthiness and insecurity. So I think this particularly arises where we feel very threatened by a partner's exes. And I can't tell you every single time I put up a question box on Instagram, I will get at least five questions that are about comparison with exes.
[00:05:03]:
How do I make my peace with the fact that my partner had these exes and these relationships and thinking they're prettier than me? And how do I not feel bad? How do I not compare myself? Why do I need to be convinced and reassured that my partner loves me more than they ever loved their exes? All of these kind of quite obsessive, controlling thoughts around needing to be better than or different than and being persuaded of why we are more valuable than as if we are in direct competition with the past. And I think that to try and rationalise that is not really engaging with the fact that it isn't rational, right? Of course it's not really rational. In most cases it's quite emotional. But for whatever reason, we've got this story that we are unworthy or there's something wrong with us or we don't have enough to offer as a partner. And so our partner's exes might emerge as our competition because we have evidence of the fact that our partner was attracted to them, that they might be our partner's type, so to speak, that they had a relationship. So, okay, my partner loved that person at one point. Why am I better than them? Am I better than them? And if not, how can I be better than them? How can I make them worse than me so that I feel safe and secure in my relationship? And I think that again, while we can have self compassion for our unworthiness and whatever might drive us to those sorts of thoughts and patterns, I think we really need to recognise that at the relationship that we're in, our partner is in that relationship because they want to be in that relationship with us. And so it's not really useful or relevant to be obsessing over their past relationships because it's just extraneous to what is right now in the present.
[00:06:54]:
And I think that really, as I said, what that tells us is that we have some work to do on our self worth. Because I think if you were comfortable and confident in who you are and what you have to offer, kind of your value proposition as a partner, then all of that other extraneous stuff becomes much less relevant. And you can trust in the fact that your partner loves you and is choosing you and wants to be with you because of what you bring to the table. Right? Rather than thinking that you are unworthy and feeling very threatened by things that may have happened in the past or your partner's past relationships. I think that the other thing to add there is this can be exacerbated if a partner's ex is still an active part of their life. So if they still have an ongoing relationship, maybe if they were broken up with and they didn't want the relationship to end, maybe it took them a long time to recover. I think it's understandable that you might have some fears around what if they still love them, what if they want to get back together with them? All of those things, right? Again, I think are fairly normal fears to have. But ultimately we do just want to bring ourselves back to the present and be grounding ourselves in what we can see and the evidence that we actually have, which is that our partner is choosing us and that we are in relationship with them and reminding ourselves of all that we have to offer.
[00:08:20]:
And really doing that work on building self worth as well, which I think as I said, is a big part of it. I think the other kind of expression of retroactive jealousy outside of feeling threatened by past partners or past relationships, you might feel threatened by past chapters of your partner's life. So they might not be so much romantic experiences so much as like if they had a wild time in their twenty s or they used to party really hard or go and have all of these experiences that feel threatening to you in some way. Whether it brings up fears that they used to be out of control or that maybe they struggled with certain substances or any number of other things that feel like skeletons in their closet, I think that we can feel kind of uncomfortable with that because it feels so out of our control. And I think this is probably true for what I was saying earlier around the exes as well. This retroactive jealousy is we know that jealousy is a response to feeling like there's some sort of outside threat to the relationship. And I think when something is in the past and it predates our relationship with that person, our information is always going to be imperfect. So there's a lot of uncertainty, there are a lot of unknowns and that can lead us to feel very out of control and like we don't have the situation under our control and that can feel intensely vulnerable.
[00:09:43]:
So when there are all these unknowns, these blanks, our brain will often fill them in with really catastrophic interpretations rather than just looking at the facts at hand and recognising that that's not really relevant to right here, right now. The relationship that we're in with the person as they are today, we can obsess over looking for cobwebs, looking for skeletons, looking for signs that something dangerous or bad is lurking that we're unaware of and that we're going to be caught off guard. And so I think that when we can get really hyper vigilant around someone's past, it's often that part of us that struggles to trust, that is looking for evidence that something bad's going to happen, the other shoe is going to drop. What is it that I'm missing? What are you hiding from me? All of those thoughts that are often coming from that place. And so, again, while we can see that and it's always this interplay of how much we are willing or able to trust and how trustworthy the other person has proven themselves to be, I think if it is retroactive meaning it's not based on your current experience of this person. We do have to take a level of responsibility for that possibly being our stuff more than it is theirs. Because I don't think that you can punish someone for their life before you and the fact that they had a life before you. That doesn't strike me as fair or reasonable.
[00:11:10]:
Now, I suppose that leads to the question of should you share this with your partner if you're experiencing retroactive jealousy, and I think you certainly can, you can share it. But I would say, as always, share it in full recognition of the fact that part of it is your stuff. I think that's a good rule of thumb, saying, I noticed that when I hear about your exes, it's a bit uncomfortable for me. I feel a little bit threatened or insecure. And I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong, obviously, but I notice that that gets a bit of a reaction from me, and I'm trying to work through that or something. You can share it to the extent that you want to let them in on your experience and give them a little more context for why something is hard for you, but at the same time I don't think you want to be shoving it in their face and going, tell me why I'm better than her. I've again had questions from people who've described situations to me where they frequently ask their partner for reassurance that they love them more than and differently than they love their ex and explain to me all of the reasons why you want me and not them. And I think that that kind of dynamic is not healthy and it's not fair.
[00:12:27]:
And if we're in that, we really need to own that. That is our fear that's driving the bus there and we need to really prioritise working on our self worth so that we're not so obsessed by and consumed by these imaginary threats to the relationship that aren't even present day realities. And I think that as I said, when we are in that level of just obsessive intrusive thoughts about the past, that it's probably a warning sign for something else, whether that's within the relationship or within ourselves or some combination of the two. Usually we're just in threat mode and so we're going hunting for confirmation of our fears. And so again, I think we can take those feelings of jealousy and the fears that go with them and maybe the behaviours that they're driving as feedback for what's underneath it and go okay, something needs my attention here and how can I offer myself something, some work, a conversation, some self compassion? But how can I use this as feedback for what's going on for me and actually tend to the underlying fear or wound rather than just obsessing over these surface level things and feeding that loop and keeping myself really stuck in an insecure place that's ultimately harming me and my relationships. So I hope that that has been a helpful, albeit brief introduction to this topic of retroactive jealousy. And I do want to say, as I said at the start, if it's something that you experience or have experienced, it is pretty common. But obviously, and I've said this before on the topic of jealousy more broadly, jealousy is a very fundamental human emotion.
[00:14:16]:
It's part of the human experience. But obviously it can be taken to extremes and some of us can experience jealousy to degrees that really do get in the way of our relationships and just consume so much of our mental and emotional energy to the point where we feel really just totally exceeded our capacity. And so I think that if this specific flavour of jealousy is one that you struggle with. You don't need to shame yourself for it, but it is something that you might want to pay attention to and get really curious about and ask the question, what is this really about for me? Where are all of these perceived threats coming from? And what would I need to feel or think or believe in order to not feel so threatened by the past? What am I making my partner's past mean about them or about me or about the relationship that is feeling so threatening and causing me to think and act in this way? So getting a bit curious and doing the work around that, because I think that you'll be much better for it if you can reach a place of relative peace with the past, rather than feeling like you need to control it or eliminate any risks to do with your partner's history. So I do hope this has been helpful. As always, very grateful if you can leave a review or a rating. It does help me so much in continuing to get the word out about the podcast, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:46]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deep on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
#105 How to navigate being newly single in my mid-30s? I feel like I'm out of time
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
We’ll cover:
Grieving a future you thought you would have
The opportunity for reframe
Comparisons to other people’s lives
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code PHOENIX for $150 off the Higher Love Course
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid-30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniergg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self confidence and our self worth self esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely check that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid-30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenties and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long-term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is the grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards-looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long-term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white-knuckle it through, but it's probably a short-term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to-do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlight reel and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well-being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into scarcity and into fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course, we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid-thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co-creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course, we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid-30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question-asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to check out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.