Why we want to believe in "the one"
In today's episode, I'm unpacking the concept of "the one". When it comes to relationships, many of us have absorbed the conditioning that there is some perfect person out there for us - and our only job is to find them. This can lead us down a rabbit hole of doubt, comparison and low self-worth.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
why the idea of "the one" is unrealistic
how it can lead us to doubt our perfectly normal, healthy relationship
the unexpected reason why we might seek out "the one"
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
0:00:00.41 → 0:00:34.16
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge, and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is a short and sweet one.
0:00:34.26 → 0:01:02.35
I'm going to be sharing some reflections and hard truths about finding the one. So I think this idea of the one is something that we've all had drilled into us by fairy tales and Hollywood and everything else. This idea that we've just got to keep looking. And then eventually we're going to find this perfect person who sweeps us off our feet, who thinks that we are the greatest thing to ever grace this earth. And we'll fall desperately in love.
0:01:02.50 → 0:01:34.20
And we'll get married and live happily ever after. And we'll live out our days in perfect harmony. And as lovely as that picture and that image is, I hate to be the one to break it to you that it is unrealistic and sets us up for a lot of doubt and a lot of pain and a lot of suffering. So I'm going to be sharing some reframes on that. And in addition to reframes and hard truths, maybe asking some pointed questions around what we get out of believing that there is this one out there for us.
0:01:34.25 → 0:02:03.52
So that's what I'm going to be chatting about today. As I said, it's a short and sweet episode, so hopefully that will give you lots to think about in a nice, compact format before I dive into that. Just sharing the featured review for today, which is this is the best podcast I've ever found. I'm in an anxious, avoidant relationship and by me and my partner listening to your podcast and discussing based on them, it helps us learn and understand ourselves and each other more. Since we started doing that, we navigate our relationship with more ease and empathy than before.
0:02:03.65 → 0:02:24.61
Thank you, Stephanie, for making this world a better place. Thank you so much for that lovely review. That brings a big smile to my face and it's very, very heartwarming to know that you've noticed those impacts and, as you say, greater empathy and understanding from the conversations that have flowed from listening together. I really love to hear that. So thank you for sharing.
0:02:24.74 → 0:03:17.58
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time. Okay, let's talk about finding the one. So, as I said, I think that we've all been really heavily socialised into believing in this love story, this perfect romance of someone coming to sweep us off our feet, to rescue us from our problems, to save us from our lives. And that there is this perfect person out there that ticks every single box of ours that is desperately attractive and that we have this beautiful chemistry with, but we also have great love and connection and intimacy and we're never going to have any problems with them. And it's all just happy days, happily ever after.
0:03:19.15 → 0:04:06.14
Unfortunately, I think that this sets us up for really unrealistic expectations. Now, I hate to be the one to point this out, but it is so clearly unrealistic that there is a person in this world, one single person, who is perfect for you. The reality is there are probably hundreds of thousands of people in this world that you could happily build a life with. Now, some people might not like that, other people might feel really comforted by it, but I think that there's truth in it. And what that speaks to is the fact that with any partner, we are making a choice and we are making compromises and we are prioritising certain things and probably letting go of other things.
0:04:06.51 → 0:04:44.56
One door opening means closing another door. We can't have everything and we can't be everything to everyone and we can't have everything in one person. So rather than seeing that as a problem, I think we just have to recognise it for what it is and make our peace with it. I think the problem is because we have this conditioning around the fact that there's this perfect person for us and a perfect relationship, and that if we just find that, then we will be saved from all our problems and we won't have to struggle in relationships. I think it leads us to be really doubtful and flighty when issues arise.
0:04:44.62 → 0:05:24.99
So if we've got a good relationship with someone that we love and care for, but it's not perfect, maybe we fight sometimes or maybe we annoy each other or maybe I don't find them attractive. 100% of the time, my brain that has been trained to think that there is this perfect person might start planting these seeds of doubt, these seeds of what if there's some better person out there? What if that kind of grass is greener mentality? And here's the thing, there's always someone better, there's always more, there's always different and we can always keep trading in and trading up. But the bad news is we trade in for someone else.
0:05:25.03 → 0:05:45.54
And guess what? There's someone better than them too, if only you go out and find them. So I think that that's a hamster wheel that is really hard to get off once you're on it. And I really wouldn't encourage you to approach your partner and your relationships with this mentality of what if this isn't the absolute best and perfect partner and person? For me, that's not healthy.
0:05:45.60 → 0:06:25.51
And it really prevents you from showing up to your relationship that you're in with an open heart and in a loving way. So I think that rather than expecting perfection or seeking perfection? Can we create strong, healthy, loving, fun, exciting connection with the person that is in front of us and really remind ourselves that we are choosing and have chosen, and we'll continue to choose them rather than expecting there to. Be this elusive, the one who is going to require no effort and with whom we won't have to face all of our shit in relationship. Because wherever you go, there you are.
0:06:25.58 → 0:07:00.27
All of your stuff is coming with you. Okay? So the other piece of this conversation that I actually think is more interesting is I think that most of us can can realise and recognise that the idea of the One is probably unrealistic. But something that came to me as I was thinking about this episode was maybe we want to believe in the idea of the one there being this one for us because we want to believe that we are the one for someone else. So maybe it's not even so much about wanting to find the perfect partner but maybe it's wanting to believe that someone will see us as perfect.
0:07:00.47 → 0:07:57.09
Maybe it's wanting to believe that someone, we just have to find them, will see us and bow down at our feet and put us on a pedestal and think that we are just the most spectacular thing to ever grace this earth and we'll worship the ground that we walk on. And maybe that very unworthy, insecure part of us can't handle the idea that the person we're in relationship with could similarly be compromising in some respects by being with us. That they could see us as imperfect, that they could see us as flawed, that they could find us irritating from time to time and that they could be actively choosing us in the way that we are actively choosing them. We want to believe that we are indispensable to someone, that someone couldn't live without us, that we are their everything. And so we hold on to this idea of the one more so because we want to be that to someone else.
0:07:57.24 → 0:09:06.18
And I think that if that's resonating for you, if you're nodding along, if dots are being connected in your brain as you're hearing me talk, maybe that's coming from an insecure place, a place that is afraid that we're not enough as we are, the imperfect wholeness of us. And so we want to believe that there's someone out there who doesn't see us in that way, who doesn't see us as imperfect, someone who sees us as perfect as the one for them. And so if that's bringing things up for you, this idea that your partner could be, quote unquote, settling by being with you and I don't mean that in a negative way if you've heard me speak about settling before, I actually think it's just terrible advice, this idea of never settle. I think that we're all settling in some ways because as I've said, no one's perfect. It's really about choosing the person that you want to ebb and flow with through this life, who can be your companion, who you feel loved and cared for and respected by, and who you are willing to ride through the storms with, rather than seeking out
0:09:06.20 → 0:09:12.01
this perfect person with whom you will experience eternal blue skies and calm seas.
0:09:12.51 → 0:09:54.95
That's been a bit of a rambly episode with various musings on the idea of the one, but I hope it's given you something to reflect on and think about this question of what is it about the idea of there being a person out there for me who is perfect, who I don't have to struggle with in any way, who allows me to bypass the messy, raw humanness of relationships. And what is it about the idea of being the one for someone else that is attractive to me? And what does that protect me from? Or what vulnerability does that allow me to bypass by holding onto this idea that I am the one for someone else? If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful.
0:09:55.03 → 0:10:10.00
If you can leave a rating or a review on Spotify, you can also leave a little question or a comment underneath the episode itself. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week, and I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day. Thanks, guys.
0:10:12.37 → 0:10:34.42
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.