Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true?
Cheating within relationships can cause so much pain, grief and sensitivity around betray and infidelity. In today's Q&A style episode, I’m sharing my thoughts on if people can really change if they’ve cheated in the past and advice for people in the situation with concerns that their partner may not stay faithful.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Learning from mistakes
The messy feelings that lead to infidelity
Tending to needs that aren’t being met
Expressing self awareness and regret
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is a Q and A episode, I'm going to be talking about the old saying of once a cheater, always a cheater.
0:00:39.01 → 0:01:16.30
And this was inspired by a question that I received on Instagram, which was, my partner has been married three times and he's had an affair each time, will he change? So I've used this as a bit of a springboard into a broader conversation around the once a cheater, always a cheater saying that I'm sure we're all familiar with, and I'm going to be unpacking. That a little talking. About patterns of infidelity talking about whether you need to be concerned as someone in relationship with someone who has a pattern of cheating in their relationships or maybe even if you are the person who has had that pattern. Of infidelity.
0:01:16.44 → 0:02:16.71
Maybe you don't trust yourself not to do it again, and you have some fear and anxiety around your own patterns and behaviours. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this. This will be a shorter episode as it's a Q and A episode, but I do have planned for a few weeks time more of a deep dive on why people cheat and different explanations for that and kind of digging a little deeper on this topic of infidelity rather than just casting someone as a villain and shrouding the whole thing in a lot of shame and not really engaging in the conversation in a way that is at all productive or that offers any humanity or insight in a way that we can actually make use of. Because I think, of course, there is so much pain and grief and sensitivity around this topic of infidelity and betrayal, but it can block us from having some important conversations because it is such a sensitive topic. So today will be, I suppose, a bit of a teaser for that episode that will be coming in a few weeks time.
0:02:16.78 → 0:02:43.78
So if you aren't already a subscriber or a follower of the show, make sure you do that so that you get those notifications when new episodes come out and you can catch that one when it comes out in a few weeks time. Okay? So before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that applications for my Homecoming Mastermind are still open. The group is filling up, so if you are interested in working with me directly over the long term, so it's a six month programme, I would love to receive your application.
0:02:44.15 → 0:03:19.72
I'm really excited to share that I've decided to open this round up to everyone. So previously, the first cohort of Homecoming was women only. But upon reflection and having received applications from men who really are in need of this work and are so there and ready and willing to do that work, I didn't feel good about having to turn people away who were in that position. So I've decided that I will open it up to all. So if you are interested in that, I would love to receive your application.
0:03:19.85 → 0:03:43.17
All of the details about Homecoming and the link to apply is in the show. Notes second quick announcement is just to share the featured review for today, which is Stephanie. And On Attachment is exactly what I needed on my journey. It's so hard finding the right fit when it comes to podcasts, and yet it was so easy. When I stumbled across Stephanie's on Attachment, I could immediately relate to the topics and the way Stephanie presents them.
0:03:43.24 → 0:03:56.19
I felt understood and at ease that I'm not alone in my journey. In a short span of time, I binge through every single episode. Now I find myself waiting for the latest one to drop. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight in such a real and considerate manner. I appreciate you and your work.
0:03:56.28 → 0:04:23.95
Thank you so much for that beautiful review. I appreciate you right back and thank you for taking the time to share that review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around once a cheater, always a cheater. So I think it's important to frame this discussion by saying in my mind, people can change and people do change.
0:04:24.10 → 0:05:06.50
I think that once a cheater, always a cheater is predicated on the notion that people cannot change, that there is some sort of fixed part of our nature, and that if you are the type of person who would cheat, then that is who you are and how you are. And you will continue to do that in every relationship, in every setting, because you are kind of fundamentally bad or broken and that's going to follow you wherever you go. I don't like that at all. I don't think that that is honest or realistic or kind to ourselves. And I don't think it really engages with what is going on when infidelity takes place in a relationship, which, as I alluded to, is a whole bigger discussion.
0:05:06.61 → 0:05:58.81
But in short, there are so many reasons why someone might break trust in a relationship by cheating on someone. And many of those reasons are not just because they are an uncaring, selfish person who is trying to do harm to those around them, or who is reckless or indifferent to the harm caused to those around them. So I think that understanding and recognising that people do absolutely change and grow and can do something once and feel immense shame and regret or maybe do it more than once and feel immense shame and regret and that they can take that regret as feedback and use that to course correct in future. I think that that is absolutely possible and indeed happens a lot. With that being said, I think that infidelity is complex and messy.
0:05:58.89 → 0:07:04.30
And while I don't think that it's driven by some sort of essential, fundamental wrongness or badness in a person 99% of the time, I do think it's driven by our shadow parts. Parts of us that are wounded, parts of us that feel inadequate, that feel a lot of shame, that feel uncomfortable with intimacy, that want to sabotage, that want to wreck things, that feel undeserving or unworthy. There's a lot there, and a lot of that is big, ugly, messy, painful stuff that we will go to great lengths to avoid feeling or being with or looking at. And so to the extent that infidelity has been driven by those shadow parts, parts of us that are maybe out of integrity or not in alignment with our values and who we want to be, then I think that we can continue to repeat those patterns until those wounded parts are tended to. I think oftentimes it's a call out from the parts of us that really do need our attention.
0:07:04.44 → 0:07:43.69
And if we kind of ignore that invitation and just blindly act in unhealthy or destructive ways, then obviously we're not addressing the core problem. And I suppose that's the point I'm trying to make is if you are dating someone, in the case of the person who asked this question, my husband been married three times and had an affair every time. If I were working with you, my question to you, Betty if I were working with him, my question would be, tell me about each of those times. What part of you was driving the bus when you made those decisions, what need was getting met by the affair? And have you tended to that part of you?
0:07:43.89 → 0:08:35.69
Because if not, then sure there's a good chance that that part will continue to jump up and down and try to get our attention and try to get that need met the only way it knows how. And maybe the way it knows how to do that or the way it has found solace from whatever pain or discomfort or other feelings are there has been in having an affair, in seeking out the attention and the validation of someone new where it doesn't feel as vulnerable as whatever is going on in the primary relationship. So I think that what I'd be looking for is have I grown through that woundedness? Have I given adequate care and attention to those wounded parts of me? Have I integrated that pain and really grieved whatever's there and cared for it?
0:08:35.86 → 0:09:06.79
Or is that wounded part of me still driving the bus? Okay, I think the other thing that I would add is for many people, infidelity is this bright line thing. So if you have never been unfaithful, if you've never crossed the line, then you might have certain ideas about yourself as to the type of person that you are. Meaning I would never do that, I'm not someone who cheats, that's not who I am. And that's kind of a nice clean bright line that you are squarely on one side of.
0:09:06.91 → 0:09:47.43
I think once you have crossed that line, then this big precipice that you are on the brink of and maybe you feel a lot of shame. And so that clean identity that you might have held onto previously, where you might have felt, I'm not that type of person. Maybe that perfectionistic view of yourself is shattered a little, and in so doing, you dismantle that identity and chip away at some self worth or some self respect. And that might lead you to being more inclined to repeat those behaviours. Because that bright line has already been crossed before.
0:09:47.58 → 0:10:25.18
So you no longer have this clean record that you can be really proud of. So I think that can happen. It's like the diminishing marginal impact in your own being of infidelity in a way that makes it not feel like as big a deal. Particularly maybe if you've gotten away with it in the past, if nothing bad happened, then whatever ideas you had around the gravity of infidelity might not be there. So you might not have experienced the grave consequences of that if you got away with it and so it might feel less consequential to do it again.
0:10:25.28 → 0:10:59.77
So that might be another factor as well. I think the last thing I'd say, and again this is more directed to the person who asks the question or anyone else in a similar situation, with similar fears or concerns, is how much self awareness does this person display around that pattern? And I think that that is ultimately going back to what I said around have they tended to the wounds? Do they understand who was driving the bus? Because if that were me, and I were in a relationship with someone who had that history, I'd be keen to understand do they know what that was really about for them?
0:10:59.81 → 0:11:54.99
Do they know what need was trying to get met? Because if they don't have the self awareness around it and they haven't taken responsibility, if they haven't done that integration work, then that might suggest that they could fall into similar patterns again in the future. Whereas having a great deal of self awareness around it and being able to own it and be accountable and take responsibility, that would give me a lot more comfort than someone who sheepishly admitted to something, but then didn't. Want to talk about it, for example, or who was maybe not forthcoming about that information at all and you found it out separately and those sorts of things. I think if someone is able to own their mistakes and express remorse and regret and self awareness around why that won't happen again, then that might be the evidence of growth that can give you comfort in being able to trust them again.
0:11:55.14 → 0:12:38.01
I hope that that has been helpful and interesting for you. And as I said, if infidelity is a topic of interest to you, and I know that's true for many people or otherwise you are in this situation, or a similar situation, or maybe you've been on the receiving end of infidelity in the past, or you have been the person who has breached trust. There will be another episode in a few weeks time all about cheating and why people cheat, so definitely keep an ear out for that. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, eternally grateful for those of you who can leave a five star rating or a review. It is so helpful for me in continuing to get the word out about the podcast and sharing it with people in your life, all of those good things.
0:12:38.13 → 0:13:02.02
Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again in the next episode. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
0:13:02.15 → 0:13:04.74
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.