5 Signs You're Ready For a Relationship
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
Five Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship
Embarking on a new romantic journey can be both exciting and daunting, especially after a period of healing and self-reflection post-breakup. How do you truly know when you're ready to step back into the dating world? While there's no magic formula or universal timeline to indicate readiness, there are some signs that can suggest you're prepared for a new relationship. Here are five key indicators to gauge if you're in a good place to start a new chapter romantically.
1. You're No Longer Obsessing About Your Ex
One of the clearest signs that you might be ready for a new relationship is that thoughts of your ex no longer consume you. If you can think about your past relationship without an overwhelming surge of emotions like anger, sadness, or regret, it shows you've processed much of your emotional baggage. This process varies for everyone; for some, it might take months, while others may need years. The key is reaching a point where your ex no longer holds significant emotional power over you. It's about finding a neutral ground where memories of your past relationship don't trigger intense emotional turmoil.
2. You've Learned the Lessons of Your Previous Relationship
Every relationship, regardless of its outcome, offers valuable lessons. Understanding what went wrong in your past relationship, and recognising your role in it, is crucial for growth. This involves dedicating time to introspection and perhaps even therapy or courses designed to aid in personal reflection. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this breakup?" and "How did my actions contribute to the relationship's ending?" helps in gaining clarity and ensuring you don't repeat the same patterns. Being clear about what didn't work before paves the way for healthier dynamics in future relationships.
3. You Know What You're Looking For
It's vital to have a clear understanding of your values, non-negotiables, and deal-breakers before diving back into the dating pool. Often, people with anxious attachment styles tend to seek connection indiscriminately, prioritising the need for companionship over finding a truly compatible partner. Knowing what you want – and, just as importantly, what you don't want – in a partner provides a strong foundation. This clarity ensures that you don't settle or make compromises that will lead to dissatisfaction down the line. It empowers you to make intentional choices and aligns your dating efforts with a purpose, avoiding the pitfalls of settling for anyone who shows interest.
4. You Feel Comfortable Being Alone
While it's natural to prefer being in a relationship, approaching dating from a place of loneliness can lead to unhealthy dynamics. Feeling content and fulfilled with your own company is a sign of emotional maturity and readiness. This doesn't mean you have to fully embrace the idea of being single forever, but rather that you have cultivated a life that feels rich and satisfying on its own. Focusing on your hobbies, friendships, and personal growth can create a life of abundance, making you less likely to enter a relationship out of desperation or fear of being alone. When you enjoy your life as it is, any new relationship becomes an enhancement rather than a necessity.
5. You're Embodying Your Best Self
Entering a new relationship from a place of strength involves ensuring that you are embodying your best self. This means maintaining healthy habits, taking care of your physical and emotional well-being, and feeling good about the life you're leading. Reflect on the traits you admire in a potential partner and strive to cultivate those attributes within yourself. Self-discipline and a commitment to personal growth not only make you feel confident and authentic but also naturally attract partners who resonate with that positive energy. When you are at your best, you set a standard for the type of relationship you wish to cultivate, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.
Conclusion
Determining readiness for a new relationship is a nuanced process, but paying attention to these signs can provide valuable insights. Moving on from your ex, learning from past relationships, knowing what you want, feeling comfortable alone, and embodying your best self are all important factors that indicate emotional preparedness. By focusing on these aspects, you set the stage for healthier, more meaningful relationships that align with your true self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Are you able to think about your ex-partner without experiencing strong emotional reactions? Reflect on what this might mean for your healing process.
How have your past relationships shaped your understanding of your own relationship patterns and behaviours? Can you identify specific lessons you've learned?
What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship? Have you ever compromised on these in the past, and what were the outcomes?
Do you find yourself feeling desperate for connection when you're single? How might this impact the quality of people you attract and the relationships you build?
In what ways do you currently cultivate a fulfilling and joyful life on your own? Are there areas where you feel you could improve in terms of self-care and contentment?
What traits do you find most attractive in a partner, and how well do you embody these traits yourself? Reflect on what steps you could take to align more closely with these qualities.
Do you feel confident and comfortable being yourself, alone or in a relationship? What changes, if any, would you need to make to fully embody your best self?
How do you balance your needs for connection with maintaining healthy boundaries and self-respect in your dating life?
Have you taken time to intentionally reflect on your previous relationship experiences through practices like journaling or therapy? What insights have you gained?
When considering new relationships, do you prioritize how someone complements your life and values, or do you find yourself more focused on whether they show interest in you? How might shifting your focus influence your dating experiences?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to know if you are ready for a new relationship. So this is one that I'll often get asked when people have been through a breakup and they've taken some time, how do I know that I'm ready to date again? How do I know that I'm sufficiently healed? Which is not language that I would use, but it's often the way the question is phrased to me. What are the signs that you are ready to re enter the world of dating and potentially exploring new connections with someone? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that, things that you can look for. I mean, at the outset, I'll say, I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. I don't think there's some objective point of readiness that suddenly you'll wake up and go, today's the day I'm ready. Everything about my previous relationships is behind me, and I am undeniably unequivocally ready as of today.
[00:01:24]:
I think it's a little bit more nuanced than that, of course. But that being said, I do think that there are some things that we can look at and look for in terms of the work that we've done and passage of time, how we're feeling within ourselves, that can point to whether it would be something that we could explore. And you may find that you feel ready, and then you take that step, and you start exploring new connections, and then you actually decide, no, I maybe want to take some more time for myself, and that's fine too. None of this stuff is set in stone, and you are allowed to experiment and explore through trial and error. So all of that being said, I will be sharing 5 signs that you are ready for a new relationship. So hopefully that will give you a bit of a yardstick or or something to to measure your progress against, if we want to put it in those terms. Okay. Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:18]:
As you would have heard me share in the past couple of weeks, I am running a retreat in Australia, in Byron Bay, in May next year. We still have a few early bird spots available, but they are going quickly. So if you're interested in joining us, please do head to my website and submit a short application. It's not anything too rigorous. It's just to make sure that it's a good fit. I would love to see you there if you are interested in doing some really deep transformative work on all of this stuff, building self worth, really stepping into the next version of yourself with intentionality and clarity, and doing so in a beautiful setting with like minded people and myself, I would love to see you there. Likewise, I am running a workshop in Sydney, a weekend intensive at the end of November. So you can sort of think about it as my secure self challenge condensed into 2 days.
[00:03:13]:
So if you are in or near Sydney and you'd like to do 2 full days of coaching with me in a small group, I would love to see you there. You can also jump onto that on my website, and there's no need to apply or anything. You can just sign up there and then. Okay. And last but not least sorry, there's a few announcements today last but not least, I have a new breakup quiz on my website. It's actually not very new. It's been around for a few weeks now, but I keep forgetting to talk about it on the podcast. Look, quizzes are a little bit silly.
[00:03:41]:
I'll be the first to admit that. But what they allow me to do is understand a bit more about where you're at, and this breakup quiz is which breakup stage are you in. So I've got, different guides, breakup guides based on what breakup stage you're in that can offer you a bit more insight and direct you to further free resources based on that. So if you're interested in taking my new breakup quiz, you can also do that via my website. Okay. Announcement's over. Let's talk about 5 signs that you're ready for a new relationship. Okay.
[00:04:10]:
So the first one, hopefully obvious, you're no longer obsessing about your ex. You're not really in the depths of all of the emotional residue, the grief, the sting of thinking about them, the heartache, all of those things that, by the way, are very, very normal after a breakup. We probably want to have processed a lot of that and allowed for the passage of some time before we start exploring new connections with other people. I don't want to put any sort of arbitrary time limit on that because I think there can be so much variation. Some people do a lot of their grieving while still in the relationship, and you sort of know the end is coming, and so you start emotionally detaching before actually pulling the trigger or before the relationship ends. Whereas other people might be really blindsided by the end of their relationship and take much longer to process that it's actually over. So it's really not about a strict passage of time so much as, how do you feel when you think about your ex? When you think about the relationship, does that still bring up a really strong emotional response in your body? Do you feel sick thinking about them? All of those things might be signs that you haven't adequately processed that or not enough time has passed. So a good sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you can think about your ex and feel relatively neutral.
[00:05:33]:
You don't have to feel absolutely nothing. You don't have to love the idea of them dating someone new, for example. I think it's normal to feel maybe a little bit of discomfort around that. But broadly speaking, it's not going to send you into a tailspin. You don't freak out panic. You're not obsessing about what they're up to, or how they're feeling, what they're thinking, are they missing me? All of that sort of stuff has kind of fallen away, and you're able to look at what happened with a level of detachment, and you're not really feeling that very strong emotional tether to your ex. Okay. The second sign, and sort of flows on from the first, is you feel like you've learned the lessons of your previous relationship.
[00:06:13]:
So do you have clarity around what led to the breakdown of that relationship and what your role was in it? I think it's really easy to just skim over that and go, oh, it just didn't work out, or, oh, that was such a dysfunctional relationship, or it was all their fault because they were avoidant or something like that. But that invariably misses the whole and really skips over an opportunity for us to learn a lot about ourselves and, you know, our part in in how that story unfolded because we do play a role, even if we would like to think that, you know, if only they had done things differently, if only they had changed, then everything would have been fine. If only they had met my needs, then we would have been happy together. I don't think that that's ever true, and we generally have more of a hand in things than we like to admit. So I think a really big piece in the moving on process and the becoming ready for something new is learning the lessons of our previous relationship. So that might look like doing that with a therapist. It might just be journaling. It might be some other sort of reflective practice.
[00:07:22]:
It might be a course. I have a breakup course that takes you through all of these things. But it's got to be some sort of intentional reflection where we're going, what did happen there, and how did I contribute to it? What led to things being unsatisfactory or not feeling good? Where was I out of alignment? Where was the relationship maybe out of alignment with my values or my needs? Where did I not speak up? Where did I not advocate for myself? Where did I let things go on too long when I wasn't really comfortable with them? All of those things are really good information. And again, I think if we just sort of look at it at a very bird's eye kind of view and go, oh, yeah. It was bad. That relationship didn't work. We're missing so much of the richness in so many of the lessons that actually lie in the detail of of what happened and, you know, how it all unfolded. So make sure that you've dedicated some time to really reflecting, kind of deliberately and with a view to learning the lessons on that relationship and its ending.
[00:08:22]:
Okay. The next sign that you are maybe ready to explore a new relationship is you know what you're looking for. My goodness. I cannot emphasize this enough. You're clear in your values and your non negotiables and your deal breakers. Have clear standards for yourself and know what they are. Okay? I can't tell you how common it is, particularly among folks with anxious attachment, which is the bulk of who I work with. People just going into dating with the sole objective, whether they realize it or not, the sole objective of, like, I am seeking connection, and I want that connection with anyone who wants me or shows interest in me.
[00:09:02]:
Full stop. End of criteria. That is not enough, and it is gonna lead you astray every time. So know what you're looking for. Realize that, like, the dating process is as much about you assessing the other person for compatibility, for values alignment, as it is about making them like you. It's not just about making anyone and everyone like you. That is our insecure, unworthy people place a part driving the bus, and that's not a good energy or place to be approaching new relationships from because it's going to lead us to to build something on shaky foundations. So instead, really get clear and do this before you meet someone.
[00:09:40]:
Do this before there's someone in front of you that you're really excited about and you start making excuses and throwing all of this stuff by the wayside because of the connection and the chemistry. Have clarity for yourself. Again, do this, like, as a reflective practice in between relationships. What am I looking for? What are my values? How do I want my relationships to feel? Right? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What are my limits? Things that are absolutely not okay for me. Things I am available for and not available for. When you can do that in a more objective sense, when you're feeling really grounded and confident in yourself, then when you go into a relationship or you're exploring a connection, if these things pop up, things that do cross those lines for you, you're much better placed to know that because you've already got those parameters set for yourself rather than, like, oh, I'm really excited about this person, but, you know, they said that we were gonna meet up, and it's 4 PM on the day that we're meant to meet up, and now I haven't heard from them. I wonder if something's wrong. Start making excuses.
[00:10:45]:
Start doing mental acrobatics to try and justify it because you're excited about them and you've got those butterflies and blah blah blah. No. Be very clear for yourself. What am I available for? What kinds of connection? How do I wanna feel? If I'm feeling unsure and uncertain and anxious and doubting whether they're interested in me, all of those things, that can very quickly, when you have the clarity, go, oh, yeah. This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm actually not available for connections of this nature. Thank you. Next.
[00:11:12]:
Right? So do that work in advance, and then you're gonna be much better placed to confidently say no to the things that are not in alignment, and that is gonna free up a lot of time and energy for you. It will preserve your sanity, and it will prevent you from going back into old cycles that are obviously not in service of of what you're truly looking for. Okay. Got a bit passionate about that one. That turned into a bit of a soapbox. Anyway, the next one is that you feel broadly comfortable being alone. Now, I'm not going to say that you have to totally love being single and alone, and you're fine to never be in a relationship again. I think it is totally fine to have a preference for being in a relationship.
[00:11:50]:
I certainly do. But if you are wanting to date again because you are desperately lonely, and you feel like there's a gaping hole in your life, and every day you're comparing yourself to people in a relationship and feeling terribly sorry for yourself, all of that, not a great place to be dating from. So try and build a life in this interim period, this period of transition. Try and build a life that feels good to you, that feels full and rewarding and joyful and nourishing. Really focus on yourself and go all in on very deliberately cultivating that. Because I think, yes, it's beautiful to be in a relationship, but there are trade offs there, and and being single for a period gives you this gift of, like, total selfishness in the best way. So when you don't have to think about someone else all the time and accommodate that and make compromises, you get to really design a life that feels wonderfully well fitted, well suited to you and you only. So make the most of that.
[00:12:57]:
Really go all in on that, and I think that will allow you to then feel really good about your life as it is, and welcome someone into that when the time comes from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, from a place of, like, my life's really great. How could I enhance it by a connection that feels aligned? Rather than, my life feels drab and lonely and sad. I need a relationship to act as some sort of balm or crutch to make me feel better. Again, we can see where that would lead us, and it tends not to be into very balanced or healthy dynamics. Okay. And the last but not least sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you feel like you're embodying your best self. Now, this will mean different things to different people, but, you know, are you being healthy? Have you got good habits at the moment? Are you showing up to your life in a way that feels like you're really putting your best foot forward? Whatever habits are healthy habits for you, are they all well in place? Do you have self discipline? All of the traits that you would find attractive in a partner is maybe a good way of thinking about it. Are you embodying those things? Are you taking great care of yourself? Are you feeling good in your skin? All of this stuff is going to allow you to go to a new relationship or dating, exploring those connections from a place of kind of easeful, natural self confidence and authenticity.
[00:14:24]:
Again, if you're in a really wobbly patch with your self esteem and your self worth, I don't think that that's the best place to be approaching dating from. And I think there's a lot of value in taking some time to really go all in on yourself and go, okay, what would I need to do? What changes might I need to make in order to improve how I'm feeling about myself? And again, that will look different for different people. You will know what that means in the context of you and your life. But, you know, if you're in a bit of a funk, if you're really enacting old bad habits, if you're not taking great care of yourself, that's probably not going to attract the kind of partner that you really want, and it's it's not a great energy to be approaching a new relationship from. Because I think if we start with bad habits and we start with a a less than ideal energy within ourselves, then it's much more likely that we're going to be dragged down into something heavier by a new relationship rather than, as I said, like, finding someone that matches that really healthy, positive energy that we're embodying and then enhancing that and multiplying that through the relationship. So what would it take for you to be embodying the best version of yourself or a really positive, healthy expression of you before you go into this dating world? Figure out what that looks like, and then start putting those habits in place, putting those structures in place so that you can be accountable to that vision for yourself, because that is going to be the thing that allows you to attract the kind of partner that you really want and the kind of relationship that you really want. So figure out what does my best self do, how do they behave, what do they avoid, and start embodying that as much as you possibly can. Okay.
[00:16:16]:
I hope that that was helpful, those five signs that you might be ready for a new relationship. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback. I read every response, so I'm always very touched by your kind words and support. So thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:16:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, breakups, new relationship readiness, dating again, emotional healing, attachment styles, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, signs of readiness, emotional detachment, reflective practices, relationship lessons, anxious attachment, setting boundaries, self-worth, dating standards, intentional reflection, values clarity, self-care habits, post-breakup recovery, relationship workshop, Byron Bay retreat, Sydney intensive, self-discipline, embodying best self, breakup quiz, emotional processing