#153 3 Tips for Avoidant Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
This week, we're talking all about how avoidant attached people can experience conflict in a healthier, more productive way. I'll be sharing three tips that will allow you to feel more connected, grounded and in control in the way you approach conflict in your relationship.
Navigating Conflict for Avoidant Attachments: Three Key Tips
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, for those with avoidant attachment styles, conflict can often feel particularly daunting. It may lead to withdrawal, a sense of numbness, or an overwhelming desire to keep the peace at all costs. Understanding how to navigate these situations can transform conflict from a point of contention into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Here are three key tips for those with avoidant attachment styles to experience healthier conflict in their relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Internal Experience
During conflict, it’s common for avoidantly attached individuals to feel overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. Rather than engaging, they might find themselves disassociating or unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it’s vital to communicate what is going on internally. A simple phrase like, “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the words right now,” can be profoundly impactful.
By acknowledging your experience, you offer your partner insight into your emotional state. This not only reduces the tension but also helps your partner feel heard and validated. Instead of viewing your silence as indifference or disengagement, your partner can understand that you are trying but are in need of a moment to gather your thoughts. This transparency fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an unproductive argument.
2. Listen Beyond the Words
Conflicts often come with a barrage of complaints and criticisms, especially when one partner has an anxious attachment style. For avoidant individuals, this can feel like an attack, prompting defensive reactions or withdrawal. Instead of responding to the literal complaints, try to listen to the underlying emotions and needs.
For example, if your partner says, “You never spend time with me,” they might actually be expressing feelings of loneliness or a need for more connection. By responding to the emotion beneath the complaint—such as saying, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely, and I’m sorry for that”—you demonstrate empathy and understanding. This approach helps to defuse tension and shifts the conversation from blame towards a mutual understanding and solution.
3. Requesting Time-Outs Constructively
When emotions run high, continuing the conversation can sometimes do more harm than good. If you feel yourself becoming too defensive or shutting down emotionally, don’t be afraid to request a time-out. However, it’s crucial to frame this request in a way that reassures your partner you are not avoiding the issue altogether.
Say something like, “I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we continue this discussion in a couple of hours?” Providing a specific time to reconvene signals to your partner that you are committed to addressing the conflict but need a moment to regain composure. This time can help both of you approach the issue with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state, making the conversation more productive.
Conclusion
Avoidant attachments can make conflict in relationships particularly challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable hurdle. By acknowledging your internal experiences, listening beyond the surface complaints, and requesting time-outs constructively, it’s possible to navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively. These practices can lead not only to a resolution but also to a deeper understanding and connection between partners. Embracing these strategies can transform conflict from a dreaded event into an opportunity for growth and closeness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding conflicts in your relationship? Reflect on why this might be – is it a fear of long, draining conversations or something else?
How do you typically respond when you feel overwhelmed during a conflict? Do you tend to shut down, dissociate, or become defensive?
Have you ever tried expressing that you’re struggling to find the words during a heated conversation? How did it impact the interaction?
How do you perceive your partner's complaints or criticisms? Are you able to see the underlying emotions or needs that might be driving their concerns?
When your partner feels neglected or lonely, how do you usually react? Can you think of ways to acknowledge their feelings more effectively?
During conflicts, do you notice yourself becoming highly defensive or numb? How do these responses affect your ability to resolve the issue constructively?
What might it look like for you to ask for a time out during a conflict? How can you communicate the need for a break without it feeling like an escape to your partner?
Reflect on a recent conflict. Were you able to understand your partner's underlying emotions and needs? How might you have approached it differently with this understanding?
How do you currently manage your need for space during conflicts? Is this communicated effectively to your partner?
Is there a pattern in your conflicts where you feel particularly misunderstood or invalidated? How might you address this with your partner to foster better mutual understanding and resolution?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are doing 3 tips for avoidant attaches during conflict. So if you listened last week, I did sort of part 1 of this topic, which was 3 tips for anxiously attached people during conflict. And as promised, I'm coming back with part 2 this week, which is around avoidant attachment, and some steps that avoidant attaches can take to shift the the status quo in conflict in your relationships. As I spoke to last week, we all contribute to these patterns even if we feel like it's really easy to blame the other person.
[00:01:05]:
You know, if they didn't do their thing, I wouldn't do my thing. That tends to be true on both sides, and that is good news because it means that we have more power over changing the patterns than maybe we realize. So today's episode is going to be sharing some pointers for avoidant people in conflict with your partner so that you can hopefully have more productive conversations where you can really hear each other and get to a resolution that is mutually satisfactory, quicker maybe than than you tend to. I know that for avoiding attaches, one of the big gripes with their anxious partners is, you know, having conversations that go on for hours and hours and hours. And I know that that can feel excruciatingly painful and can really feed into your resistance to talking about relationship stuff more broadly because you feel like every time you open the can of worms, it's signing up for one of those big, drawn out, long, emotional conversations that are so taxing for you. So hopefully with these few tips today, you can short circuit some of that and maybe find a new way of doing things that allows both you and your partner to get what you need out of those conversations rather than swirling around in them endlessly. Before I dive into these three tips, a reminder in case you missed it last week, Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature program, is coming back in a few weeks' time. So if you are interested in joining the wait list for that program, being on the wait list simply gives you guaranteed access to exclusive early bird pricing, as well as being notified when doors open so that you can make sure that you don't miss out.
[00:02:47]:
We've had over 2,000 people in the program. It always gets really beautiful feedback. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and would like to work on becoming more secure, I would love to have you there. So please do check that out if you're interested, jump on the wait list, and yeah, I hope to see as many of you there as possible. Okay. Let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and conflict. So as I did with anxious attachment, I will set the scene briefly. For avoidant attaches, I think it would be fair to say that conflict avoidance is the norm, and that can come from different places, as I alluded to in the introduction, that can come from a place of not wanting to have to embark upon those very long, painful conversations that can feel I think they're draining for everyone, but they're particularly draining for the avoidant partner who, you know, it is not their comfort zone to be talking about emotions for 3 hours, whether it's their emotions or someone else's, particularly when they feel like those conversations are just an opportunity for them to be dragged through the mud and told all of the ways that they are not good enough, not measuring up, disappointing their partner.
[00:03:58]:
That's a big ask for someone to sit through that. And so I think for avoidant attaches, there can be this sense of, let's just not talk about it. If we don't talk about it, then there's no problem. And they can be quite content with, you know, leaving things unsaid, maybe sweeping things under the rug because that feels much more peaceful and conducive to overall harmony than having those big conversations. Those conversations can just feel like, you know, from the avoidant perspective, it's like, why would we possibly want to do that? It is such a, you know, it is such a burdensome thing to have to do to sit through those conversations. Whereas for the anxious partner, it's, we absolutely must have those conversations because if we don't have those conversations, it's all I can think about. Whereas for the one partner, it's like, it's the last thing I want to think about, all of those issues in our relationship, so I just compartmentalize and carry on with my life quite happily. So again, neither is better or worse.
[00:04:57]:
It's just totally different approaches to conflict, and that's why it's so important to, you know, foster and cultivate more understanding and awareness of the ways in which our partner might be different to us, because then we can depersonalize it a bit and realize that, you know, they're not out to get us, they're actually just out to protect themselves, and this goes for most everyone. Okay. So for avoidant attaches, there can be this commitment to keeping the peace and harmony, as well as avoiding those sorts of conversations which really do detract from their overall sense of the relationship being worthwhile. I think that while anxiously attached people will happily have those conversations and have those sorts of conflicts, and not then think that there's anything wrong with the relationship. For avoidant attaches, it can really wear them down quite quickly and can make them feel like, you know, this shouldn't be happening. In a good relationship, we wouldn't be having these fights, and so it can really, you know, detract from their overall satisfaction with the relationship. So here are my tips for avoiding attaches during conflict. The first one is really simple but it almost feels like a hack because I think it is that simple but that effective.
[00:06:08]:
And it is if you don't know what to say, which will often happen for avoidant attaches because you tend to slow down during conflict, you tend to go blank, go numb, you might feel like your partner's just talking at you and you've totally dissociated from your body. You, you know, can't even hear them. You know, they're speaking for 5 minutes straight, and you can't actually remember what they've said. And so you just kind of sit there staring into your hands or staring at the wall, and you could feel their frustration and irritation mounting, and then they might get, you know, even more kind of attacking at you and say, well, aren't you gonna say something? You're just sitting there. I just said all of this stuff, and you don't even have anything to say. Don't you care at all? Those sorts of, you know, escalations which can feel just like a lot of pressure when you're already, you know, really struggling and really stressed, just say, I'm having a really hard time finding the words. I hear you, but I'm really struggling to gather my thoughts or to know what to say. That is 1,000,000 times better than saying nothing, I promise.
[00:07:11]:
And I say this as someone who leans more anxious. If my partner says, I hear you, but I'm struggling to find the words right now to articulate myself, that is so much better than him saying nothing. And that allows me to know that I've been heard and to feel validated and understood, but also it allows me to access compassion and empathy for the fact that, you know, he's having a hard time. When he just sits there silently, and to be fair, he doesn't do this very often, but if he just sits there silently, it's really easy for me to have an internal narrative that he, you know, isn't listening, doesn't care, isn't engaging, isn't putting an effort, just from that very fear driven self protective place. But as soon as he's able to articulate what's going on for him, you know, narrating that inner experience, of I'm feeling really numb, I'm having a hard time finding the words, immediately I can go, oh, okay. I know this person. I know they care. I know they're doing their best, and I don't have to feel so defensive, and I'm sure that applies for many people.
[00:08:14]:
So saying what you're feeling, even if it's I don't know what to say or I'm feeling numb or I'm feeling defensive, those things are so much better than saying nothing. Okay. The next one is and this is a big ask and it's really hard, but try to hear through your partner's complaint to the desire that sits underneath or to the emotion that sits underneath. So if you have a more anxious leaning partner, as you typically will if you are more avoidant, your partner probably comes at you in conflict with what sounds like a long list of complaints of things that you aren't doing right or that you need to do differently. And it's very easy and understandable that you would sit there and switch off or become very defensive in response to that, that you might want to argue with their analysis of you and point out all the ways in which they are wrong or you don't agree. But that will only lead them to feel invalidated and escalate and take your fighting back as proof that you don't really care about them and so on and so forth. Whereas if you're able to say, it sounds like you've been feeling a bit lonely when they're saying you never spent time with me and you don't even prioritize me. If you can find it within yourself to peel back the top layer, which is coming through as a complaint or a criticism or an attack, and go, what's the feeling under here? What are they needing from me? What's like the tenderness? What's the hurt? And can I speak to that? Can I respond to that rather than the actual words that they've said? Because I promise you, if you're able to say, I'm so sorry.
[00:09:52]:
It sounds like you've really been missing spending time together, or I hear you. I'm hearing that you're feeling neglected or lonely, or it sounds like it's hard for you. When I'm, you know, not communicative, I'm really sorry. I'll try and do better. It's almost like you're just taking a pin and popping the balloon, and it's all just gonna deflate all of that tension in your partner because really what they're doing and, you know, undeniably, they could be more skillful about it. Right? Anxious partners can be really almost aggressive in the way that they approach this, and that is not helpful. I will be the 1st to admit that, it's not productive. But if you can find it within yourself to look through underneath to the tender part of whatever it is they're trying to say, it will just stop the whole argument in its tracks, I promise.
[00:10:44]:
And that will really allow them to feel so seen and held, which is all they really want. Right? In all of those big, long conversations, I promise all they want is to feel validated and cared for. And so if you can find a way to say, I see you, it makes sense why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I care about what you have to say, it's just like the whole thing will will melt and you'll be back into connection. They'll let go of all of that anger and frustration that they're coming at you with, and you'll be able to find your way to a much more constructive solution much more quickly. So try and see through, you know, the complaint to whatever the the hurt or the pain is underneath. And if you can wrap that in some love and care, then you're going to be having a whole different conversation with a whole different version of your partner. Okay. And the third one is, and this is really one for you in terms of supporting yourself, don't be afraid to ask for a time out or some space if you need it.
[00:11:47]:
So it's really not worthwhile to persist in conflict if you are feeling really dysregulated, if you are, like, totally numbed out, if you are very angry and defensive, if you notice those sorts of responses coming up and you are just so entrenched in seeing your partner is the bad guy and is the enemy and you feel, like, a lot of anger or, you know, frustration, defensiveness towards them, there's no point in just persevering. And this is true on both sides. This is a tip for anxious people as well. There is no point persevering once you reach a certain point of dysregulation because you are not hearing each other. All you're seeing is like red. Right? Both of you. It's just in total threat mode, and you are just in attack, defend, fight, flight. It is not productive to have a conversation from that place.
[00:12:39]:
Your empathy is offline, your rationality is offline, you're both in this very tunnel visioned place. So don't just push through thinking that, you know, if you stay in it long enough you're going to find your way to a resolution. You almost certainly won't, you'll just end up hurting each other, and walking away from it feeling really depleted and disconnected. So don't be afraid to ask for a time out if you need one. And, you know, the helpful thing, and I've given this advice many times before, if you are more avoidant, say, look, I think we should take a time out. I notice I'm getting really defensive. I don't think this is going to be very constructive right now. Can we come back to this in 2 hours? Or whatever.
[00:13:18]:
But ask for the time out and serve up the reassurance of I'm not just trying to escape, I'm not just trying to get out of the conversation altogether, because if there's any sense of that, your partner is going to protest against the time out. But if you can say, I need some space and I do want to hear what you have to say, I just don't think I can right now. I don't think I have the capacity right now. And and really frame it in a way that I'm asking for this time out so that I can better hear you because this is important to me, and I do care, rather than I just need space because you're too much, and I don't want to deal with this right now, which is not going to land very well. So don't be afraid to ask for the time out if you need, but serve up the, you know, when and where we're gonna come back to this and follow through on that. Okay? Don't just wait until they raise it, or don't try and get out of it somehow. You know, be respectful of what you've said and and of them by coming back to the conversation when you said you would. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
So those were the 3 tips for avoidant attaches on better conflict. I hope that that's been helpful, both for those avoidant folks who are listening, but also for their anxious partners. Maybe you can listen to this together or or share it with your partner. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who do leave reviews and ratings on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. For anyone who wants to watch rather than listen, a reminder that these are all uploaded to YouTube, and if you wanna go and like and subscribe there, that is hugely helpful as I am trying to build a YouTube channel. It's very humbling to start from scratch on a new platform. But, yes, thank you for all of your support, and I hope to see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:19:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, avoidant attachment, conflict resolution, relationships, relationship tips, insecure attachment, healthy relationships, anxious attachment, emotional regulation, avoidant behaviour, communication skills, relationship coaching, attachment patterns, avoidance in relationships, anxious partner, avoiding conflict, emotional support, relationship dynamics, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, relationship struggles, practical guidance, understanding partners, managing conflict, attachment coaching, relational harmony, attachment awareness, emotional connection, relationship podcast, relationship tools
#152 3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go.
Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go. Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
Navigating conflict in relationships can be challenging, especially for those with an anxious attachment style. When emotions run high and misunderstandings abound, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and invalidated. However, with the right strategies, it's entirely possible to foster healthier, more productive conflict. Here are three actionable tips that can help.
Slow Down and Say Less
One of the most critical steps for managing conflict as an anxiously attached person is to slow down. When emotions are heightened, the body's natural stress response can kick in, propelling us into fight-or-flight mode. This physiological state can lead to racing thoughts, elevated heart rates, and a desire to react quickly.
Slowing down means taking a moment to breathe, grounding yourself before responding. It might involve taking a brief walk, practising deep breathing exercises, or stepping away from the conversation momentarily. The idea is to give yourself space to calm the nervous system and approach the conflict from a clearer, more centred place.
Equally important is the tip to say less. When anxious, there’s a tendency to over-explain, justify, or bombard the partner with a torrent of words and emotions. This barrage can overwhelm the other person, especially if they have a different conflict style. A measured, concise approach is often more effective, giving your partner room to process and respond thoughtfully.
Keep It to One Issue
In the heat of the moment, it's tempting to bring up a laundry list of grievances. While it might seem like a good idea to address everything at once, this can be counterproductive. Focus on resolving one issue at a time to avoid overwhelming your partner and muddling the conversation.
Choose the most pressing concern and stick to it. Clearly articulate what the specific issue is, how it makes you feel, and what you'd like to see change. This targeted approach makes it easier for your partner to understand and address your concerns, leading to more effective problem-solving.
Additionally, addressing one issue at a time helps in creating a sense of progress. When a specific concern is resolved, it builds trust and confidence that other issues can be tackled successfully in the future. It sets a positive precedent for future conflicts, showing that issues can be managed constructively and efficiently.
Know When to Let Things Go
Anxiously attached individuals often struggle with letting go of conflicts even after they've been addressed. It's common to revisit the same issue repeatedly, seeking assurance and validation. However, constantly reopening resolved matters can be frustrating for both partners and may hinder the overall relationship dynamic.
Learning to recognise when to let go is crucial. Once an issue has been discussed, and a resolution is in place, practice self-awareness and find ways to comfort yourself. Trust that your partner's efforts to address your concerns are genuine and that continuous nitpicking isn't necessary.
This doesn’t mean burying your feelings or ignoring unresolved problems. Rather, it’s about practising discernment to know when a conversation has reached its natural conclusion and when it’s appropriate to move forward.
Bonus Tip: Show Appreciation
For partners who lean more avoidant, engaging in conflict conversations can be particularly challenging. Acknowledging their effort to stay engaged can go a long way. Expressing gratitude for their willingness to discuss difficult topics not only creates a more positive interaction but also encourages them to remain open in future conflicts.
Simple statements like, "I appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me," can help foster a sense of mutual respect and understanding. It signals that their efforts are noticed and valued, which is essential in building a cohesive, supportive relationship.
Implementing These Tips
Implementing these strategies doesn’t guarantee a conflict-free relationship, but it does pave the way for healthier and more effective communication. Remember that change takes time and patience, both for you and your partner. Small, consistent efforts in adopting these tips can lead to significant improvements over time.
Slowing down gives room for more thoughtful interactions, while saying less helps prevent overwhelming your partner. Focusing on one issue at a time leads to more targeted problem-solving, and knowing when to let go prevents unnecessary rehashing of conflicts. Showing appreciation helps in recognising each other's efforts and maintaining a positive relational tone.
By practising these tips, anxiously attached individuals can find healthier ways to engage in conflict, ultimately creating a more secure and harmonious relationship dynamic.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself speaking rapidly and intensely during conflicts? How does this influence the way your partner responds to you?
Reflecting on the concept of saying less in conflict, how do you feel you could benefit from expressing yourself more concisely? Are there specific situations in which this might be challenging for you?
When you're experiencing internal pressure in your relationship, do you tend to mentally rehearse what you want to say? How do you think this impacts the actual conversation when it happens?
How do you usually feel after a conflict with your partner? Do you often achieve a sense of resolution, or does the conversation feel unfinished? Why do you think that is?
Do you find it difficult to keep conflicts focused on one issue? How does bringing up multiple grievances at once affect the dynamic between you and your partner?
What are some ways you can practice slowing down your physiological response during a conflict? How might this change the outcome of your interactions?
Consider the idea of letting go. Are there times when you struggle to feel reassured or comforted by your partner's attempts to address an issue? How do you usually respond in those moments?
Reflect on a recent conflict with your partner. How did your attachment style influence your approach and reaction? What might you do differently next time based on Stephanie's tips?
In what ways do you show appreciation for your partner's effort during difficult conversations? How could expressing more gratitude potentially change the conflict resolution process?
How do you perceive your partner's needs and responses during a conflict? Could practicing empathy and patience in these moments improve your relationship dynamic?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to have better conflict as an anxiously attached person. So I'm gonna be sharing with you 3 tips for changing your conflict patterns in your relationships. And I should say at the outset that this is going to be part 1, and next week's episode is going to be part 2 for avoidant attaches. So fear not. It's not something that you, as an anxiously attached person, need to solely fix in your relationship, the way that you experience conflict, I am going to follow it up with some tips specific to avoiding detachment. Because I think that while there are certainly general principles of better conflicting communication that most everyone can adopt and benefit from, I do think that this specific experience that you're likely to have and the things you're likely to struggle with can very much depend on your attachment style and attachment patterns and the strategies that go along with that.
[00:01:29]:
And so I think it is helpful to delineate between more anxious and more avoidant patterns in giving out advice on conflict. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. As I said, I'm going to be giving you 3 tips if you are someone with anxious attachment who wants to be able to have conflict in a way that doesn't feel so high stakes, so intense, maybe really long and drawn out, but ultimately doesn't really give you the relief that you're seeking. That's certainly a very common experience among folks with anxious attachment, is that there's anxiety and conflict avoidance in the lead up to conflict, but then once you're in it, it kind of goes on forever and ever without really giving you any sort of sense of satisfaction or true resolution. So hoping that I can give you some tips today on just small changes that you can make that will have kind of a knock on effect. And as with all of these things, we can only change our part of the equation, but oftentimes, that's all that's needed to then create a different relational environment, a different kind of vibe in the moment and in a broader sense that allows for a new way of doing things relationally. Before we get into all of that, I wanted to share that healing anxious attachment is coming back in a few weeks' time. For those of you who are new, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature program, and it is everything that I know and teach about the journey from anxious attachment to a more secure way of being in oneself and in relationships, distilled down into an 8 week program.
[00:03:06]:
If you are interested, this is going to be the 8th round of the program. Over 2,000 people have gone through this course, which is pretty amazing. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I hear that. But if you'd like to be part of this next cohort, I would love to have you in there and I would love for you to join the wait list via the link in the show notes where you can head straight to my website to do that. And that will guarantee you exclusive early bird pricing and, you know, making sure that you are notified as soon as registration opens at the end of the month or or early next month. I haven't finalized dates yet. But I would love to see you there if you're at all interested in not only really deep insights into why you are the way you are and you struggle with the things you struggle with, but also really practical concrete tools for you to learn a new way of being that is likely to get you closer to what you're looking for in secure relating. So all of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:04:01]:
You can also just head straight to stephanierigg.com and, yeah, I hope to see you there. Okay. So without further ado, let's talk about anxious attachment and conflict. So I might just set the scene a little. I do have previous episodes on conflict and anxious attachment, so you can keyword search those if you want to go deeper into that. But let's set the scene. So for most people with anxious attachment, as I said, there is this combination of oftentimes conflict aversion to a degree.
[00:04:32]:
So there might be a tendency to keep the peace, to not want to rock the boat, to kind of walk on eggshells or tip toe around someone from this place of, I just have to be easy, I don't want to be too needy, I don't want to be too sensitive, I have to be low maintenance. But of course, we know that's not honest or true, and so, internally, the pressure is rising and rising. And you've got all of these internal narratives going on about my partner doesn't care about me, and is it always gonna be like this, and what about my needs, and all of that. And then eventually, inevitably, something will happen, and all of this internal pressure will come flying out. Often times in a way that, for your partner who may have no idea of what's going on inside of you, for them it might seem like a total mismatch in terms of what's actually going on in the moment. And of course, as we know so often when we are really activated or triggered by something, we are responding to so much more than just what is happening in that moment. It comes with the weight of not only our history in that relationship, but our history in previous relationships, our family system. Our wounded parts can really come out with a vengeance when we are triggered in our relationship.
[00:05:46]:
So, that often happens for anxiously attached people. They can be this big blow up, and it can come out as quite attacking and accusatory and blaming. This sense that if I can just convey to you how much pain I'm in and how much pain you are causing me to be in, then you'll change. So if you're not immediately validating of me, then I just have to keep going and keep convincing you. Or maybe I escalate so as to convey to you how much pain I'm in, so that then it'll finally click for you, and then I won't have to be in pain anymore. As we know, that usually doesn't work, as much as it can feel like second nature to many of us with that pattern. If you have a more avoidant partner, or even if you have a broadly secure partner, it's not a very productive way of doing conflict. And more often than not, that kind of attacking critical style can very often elicit defensiveness in someone else, which then leaves the anxious person feeling invalidated and emotionally abandoned, which then leads them to kind of up the ante, and so on and so forth.
[00:06:48]:
We know how that goes. So let's go into these three tips that I want to give you. Now these are not going to be a panacea. It's not like you can implement these things and all of a sudden conflict's going to be a cup of tea for you and it's going to be really easy, but I do think that these things can help a lot. So the first one is slow down and say less. Okay? So if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns, you know that you probably go a 1000000 miles an hour, both in terms of the internal experience of your body. So physiologically, you're likely to be very much in your sympathetic nervous system, so that fight or flight zone of heart racing, heat. It feels like your body's kind of on fire.
[00:07:29]:
You might feel really clenched up and pupils dilated, all of those signs of, like, a full blown stress response. And that will be telling you to speed up. Do something, do something, do something. Right? But that's not really helpful in conflict because your partner is going to perceive you in that way. Imagine if you were interacting with another animal, like a dog, that was really worked up, you're immediately going to respond by feeling like, oh, I need to have my wits about me in interacting with this animal because they're really on edge. Same goes for us. Right? We often forget that we too are animals. But that's true, right, that we're very perceptive to each other's nervous system.
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So if yours is going, like, full pelt, really hyper activated, very stressed in a fight response, then that's not going to play well. You really need to consciously slow down, consciously fight against that pattern within you. And whether that means taking a break and doing something with that energy that isn't sending it in your partner's direction, like, you know, going for a run or or doing something to discharge the energy. Or if you feel you have capacity to, consciously down regulating if you, you know, have those tools at your disposal. But either way, just slowing down, right, is really important. Being able to have conflict in a more measured, grounded way is going to make a world of difference. And related to that is say less. Okay? So anxiously attached people, typically, and I say this as someone who's so guilty of it, by the time you get into actual conflict with your partner, chances are you have rehearsed what you're gonna say.
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You've had the practice conversation a 1000000 times over. Maybe you've been out on a walk, and you're talking to yourself about what you're gonna say and how you're gonna say it, and all of this stuff, you've given a lot of thought to having that conversation. You've been really, like, stewing in how aggrieved you feel for a long time prior to voicing it to your partner, and what that means is, like, when you finally have the stage, when you finally got your opportunity to say this stuff that's been really heavy inside you, usually it all just comes, like, flying out, and you've got a lot of words and you keep talking and you keep trying to say it in the right way so that you can persuade them, so that you can elicit the validation that you're looking for. There might be some protesting in there. All of this stuff, right? But, again, you're going at a 1000000 miles an hour and you just keep talking. And not only is that just kind of a lot to deal with and not particularly helpful, but when we layer over that that your avoidant partner doesn't operate in that way, they haven't been rehearsing the conversation, they don't have their full speech prepared, and they are probably going to be really overwhelmed by being hit with that barrage of information and emotion that is coming from you, because their baseline in conflict and we'll cover this in next week's episode when I talk more about avoidant attachment in conflict but their baseline in conflict is actually to slow way down. And again, that's a function of their nervous system, that's not something they're trying to do, but they tend to, like, space out and go numb and kind of be lost for words. And so when you have person a who is speaking at a 1000000 miles an hour and having a lot of emotion and getting really riled up, and person B who, at the best of of times struggles to find the right thing to say, those tend not to play very well against each other.
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So by saying less and slowing down, giving your partner an opportunity to find their words and not feel like they're under attack and under a lot of pressure from someone who's kind of explosive towards them, that's probably gonna lead to a much better way of doing things and much more productive where you're actually likely to be able to hear each other. Then if you're just bombarding them at a 1000000 miles an hour with so much analysis and information and opinion and emotion, that's going to be a lot for them to take in. So slow down. A kind of related point to that, which I'll just add quickly before I move on to the next one, If your avoidant partner is silent, you know, who you've asked them a question and they're sitting there in silence, and it looks like they're kind of thinking about it, try to resist the urge to say, well, aren't you going to say something? Or something like that. Right? Getting really impatient with them and wanting them to have the perfectly formulated response or kind of meet you at your pace. I think that can happen a lot, and again, just adds to that sense of, like, pressure and attack that isn't going to be conducive to a productive conversation. So try to be patient, slow down, say less. Okay.
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So the next tip that I want to give you on better conflict is keep it to one issue. So I think the temptation can be there for so many anxiously attached people to kind of come in with their whole shopping list of grievances, right, of all the things they want their partner to change. And I think this stems from that tendency that I spoke about earlier, which is when I have the opportunity, like when we're in conflict, when we're having a serious conversation, that's my window of opportunity to raise all of these things. And because I struggle to raise them in real time, I tend to internalize these little micro ruptures and moments of hurt or disappointment or whatever it might be. Because we file those away and then we stew on them, then when we are in conflict, it's really easy to see that as our moment, to then go, hey, but what about this thing? And last week, you did this, and I don't think I've forgotten about that, or, you know, all of these kind of extraneous things that aren't really directly related to the conversation or the issue at hand. Again, this is generally really counterproductive because your partner is just going to feel like you're not actually trying to solve what we're doing here. You're just trying to attack me. Right? I'm trying to meet you in issue number 1 so we can have a productive conversation about it, but it feels like you just wanna fight.
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Right? That's how it's gonna feel to the other person when you just kind of jump from lily pad to lily pad in terms of this issue, that issue, all the things that I am upset with you about that I've been harboring, that's likely gonna feel really overwhelming and demoralizing to your partner, particularly if they lean more avoidant because they're just not gonna know how to respond to that, and they're going to feel like a failure. They're gonna feel like a disappointment to you. They're gonna feel like nothing they do is good enough. There's no point. Why do I bother? Look how up you are with me all the time. Like, nothing I do is enough for you. Right? Those are all the sentiments that tend to come from that kind of pattern. So, as hard as it is, and I know it is hard because I know you don't want to have these conversations all the time, and so when you do get the opportunity, it is really tempting to just sneak in all of those other things that have been bothering you.
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Try not to. Try to just let that go and trust that in dealing with the problem at hand, you're much more likely to at least get resolution on one thing. Whereas the more issues you try and incorporate and kind of layer on top of each other, you're probably not gonna get anything resolved, and you're gonna walk away from that feeling less heard, less validated, less understood, which is obviously not what we want. So keep it to one issue if you can. Okay. The third tip that I want to give you is know when to let things go. So again, it's kind of related to the previous point around keep it to one issue. But, for anxiously attached people, the tendency is for these conversations to go on and on.
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Again, I get it. I can be guilty of that, of never really feeling like it's enough. If my partner is there and says, like, yes, I understand. I hear you. It's really hard sometimes to believe, like, but do you really understand? Do you really hear me? What are we gonna do about it? Right? There's this difficulty in just accepting the resolution, and, you know, not trusting that the issue is resolved or that your partner does really understand you. And so you kinda keep pushing and keep pushing and wanna relitigate and reopen every single aspect of the conversation, kinda keep testing. Again, in the same way as when we try and raise a 1000000 different issues at once, can leave our partner feeling kind of demoralized. I think when we can't just let it go and let near enough be good enough, You know, we're, like, wait until we have absolute assurance that we have the perfect solution, and we're never gonna have to deal with this again.
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I think that approach can be quite demotivating and discouraging for our partner who might be really genuinely trying to meet us in whatever it is that we're upset about. But when we are kind of dismissing or overlooking their genuine attempts, at validating us, at making a commitment to try and do something differently. When we're not really acknowledging them in that, then that can make them feel like, well, I give up. Right? Why bother? So I think there is really something to be said for knowing when to just let it go. It doesn't mean that you have to let the issue go forever, but just knowing when to leave the conversation and, you know, allow yourself to take in whatever your partner has said. Allow yourself to receive that reassurance rather than doubting it and trying to kind of chip away at it or undermine it. Again, I think that struggle with, like, really receiving and really feeling comforted by someone is very real among anxiously attached people. As much as we can ask for reassurance, oftentimes we're not very good at taking it in or believing it.
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So try and see the goodness in what your partner is trying to do. Try and see where they are making an effort to propose a solution. Even if you don't think it's the perfect solution, at least honor and acknowledge the effort. That's really much more likely to get you to a more positive overall relational environment. So do try and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Do try and let things go when you can, and bring things back to a place of connection, acknowledgement, appreciation. And, you know, as a kind of little bonus tip at the end, I think it can be really positive, particularly with an avoidant partner who knows struggles having these conversations at the best of times. Voice your appreciation for them showing up to the conversation.
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Say, I know that you don't like having these conversations and I really appreciate you staying in this with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to try and understand or hear me out or whatever. Because that will help them to feel seen and acknowledged as well. Okay. I hope that's been helpful. I hope it's given you some food for thought. If you're someone who struggles with these things, I know it's really tough. I've been there.
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Sometimes I still am there. But it's all about just trying something new, taking ownership for the ways in which we contribute to the patterns that we find ourselves in, and even if we change it 1% every time we have one of these conversations, that's progress and worthy of celebration. So as I said, hope it's helpful. Sending you lots of love and make sure to tune in next week for part 2 where I talk about what avoidant attaches can do to improve their conflict experience. Okay. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, conflict resolution, relationship advice, attachment patterns, avoidant attachment, relationship coach, conflict communication, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, emotional abandonment, conflict aversion, fight or flight response, sympathetic nervous system, stress response, conflict avoidance, micro ruptures, relationship dynamics, partner validation, conflict patterns, relationship tips, emotional regulation, nervous system regulation, conflict intensity, relationship satisfaction, secure attachment, healing anxious attachment, attachment styles, relational environment, relationship struggles.