#149 3 Life Lessons I Wish I'd Learned Sooner
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
Last Chance to Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! - Kicking off 29 July 2024.
3 Life Lessons That Cultivate Self-Worth and Happiness
The journey to self-worth and happiness is neither quick nor easy. Significant life lessons often come from years of growth, reflection, and sometimes even hardship. Yet, certain insights can be transformative and invaluable when learnt earlier in life. Here are three important life lessons that revolve around self-worth, responsibility, and respect, which, when embraced, can significantly improve your relationship with yourself and others.
You Cannot Outrun Yourself
It's tempting to believe that changing external circumstances will resolve inner conflicts. Whether it's leaving a job, ending a relationship, or moving to a new city, it's easy to convince oneself that a change in scenery is the answer. However, the reality is that internal issues follow you wherever you go. The patterns and core beliefs you hold about yourself are deeply ingrained and will reappear in new situations unless they're addressed.
Understanding this can be empowering. It shifts the focus from external to internal, encouraging you to face and resolve the root causes of your unrest. By addressing core beliefs and undertaking the courageous work of healing, you can break free from recurring negative patterns. This internal work is essential for personal growth and building a fulfilling, stable life.
Inaction is a Choice for More of the Same
Choosing not to make necessary life changes can create an illusion of passivity, as if you're simply staying still. In reality, life is always in motion, and not taking action towards positive changes means you are subconsciously choosing to stay on the same path. This path will lead to more of what you currently experience, be it dissatisfaction, stress, or unfulfilment.
Reframe this passive stance by recognising that every day, through your actions and inactions, you're shaping your future. Evaluating your daily choices and habits can illuminate where you're inadvertently choosing more of the same. This awareness fosters a sense of responsibility and agency, propelling you towards the necessary changes that align with the life you wish to lead.
Self-Respect Must be Earned
Self-respect is not something granted externally; it is earned through the alignment of actions and values. Earning self-respect involves knowing your values and consistently acting in accordance with them. When your behaviour mirrors your values, integrity and self-respect naturally follow.
Reflect on moments where you've felt shame or discomfort after certain actions. Such feelings often indicate a misalignment between your behaviour and your values. While perfection is unattainable, diligently striving to close this gap leads to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship with yourself. Achieving self-respect requires effort and honesty, but it's a gratifying journey that fortifies your self-esteem and personal integrity.
Embrace Self-Responsibility for Lasting Change
Central to these life lessons is the concept of self-responsibility. Only by fully embracing the responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and their consequences can you enact meaningful and lasting change. Recognising that you are the architect of your life brings a powerful sense of agency.
Taking responsibility might be daunting, but it is the cornerstone of personal development. Every decision, no matter how small, is a step toward crafting the life you desire. By actively choosing actions that align with your values and desired outcomes, you gradually build a fulfilling and respectful relationship with yourself.
Cultivate Self-Worth and Thrive
These life lessons—acknowledging that you cannot outrun yourself, understanding that inaction is a choice for more of the same, and recognising that self-respect must be earned—are fundamental for personal growth. They guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and encourage a proactive approach to life's challenges.
Embracing these lessons fosters a sense of self-worth and helps cultivate healthier relationships with others. They inspire you to confront internal issues, take meaningful actions, and align your behaviour with your values. As you internalise these lessons, you'll find that your relationship with yourself transforms, paving the way for a more content and fulfilling life.
By understanding and applying these principles, you embark on a journey to greater self-awareness, responsibility, and respect. This journey, while challenging, holds the promise of deep personal satisfaction and authentic happiness. Embrace these lessons and watch as they enrich your life, helping you to overcome insecurity and build thriving, healthy relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns despite changing partners or circumstances? What does this tell you about the internal work that might still be needed?
Reflect on a situation where you avoided making a necessary change. How did holding back affect your overall sense of fulfilment and self-respect?
Evaluate your current level of self-respect. Are your day-to-day actions aligned with your core values? Where do you see room for alignment and improvement?
Think back to a time when you acted out of alignment with your values. How did this impact your sense of self-worth and self-respect?
How do you currently handle feelings of discomfort or shame? Do you avoid facing them, or do you address the underlying causes?
In what ways do you find yourself blaming external circumstances for your unhappiness rather than taking self-responsibility? What changes could you make to shift this dynamic?
What beliefs or patterns from your past do you find most challenging to overcome? How can you start to reprogram these beliefs to create healthier relationships?
Reflect on an area in your life where you feel stuck. What small, actionable steps can you take today to start moving in a new direction?
How do you define self-respect for yourself? What are tangible actions you can take to cultivate it daily?
Visualise the kind of life and relationships you want. What actions and changes do you need to take now to start moving towards that vision?
These questions and prompts encourage self-reflection and action in alignment with the core themes of self-worth, self-respect, and self-responsibility discussed in the episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm sharing 3 pieces of advice or three life lessons that I wish I had learned sooner in life. Now, while I'm grateful to be relatively young and having learned these lessons, at least, you know, I think we're always learning and relearning lessons, but I feel like I've got a a reasonable grip on the 3 that I'm gonna share with you today. And while I'm grateful to have learned them relatively early on in life, I still wish I'd learned them sooner, and I think that I spent a lot of years in my late teens and early twenties flailing a little bit in terms of my relationship with myself and some of my relationships with others on account of not really having a grasp of these lessons. So these are all around the themes of self worth, self respect, self responsibility. And I think they're absolutely integral no matter where you sit on the attachment spectrum, no matter your age or situation or background. These are really foundational to any kind of positive relationship with self.
[00:01:30]:
So I'm looking forward to sharing these with you today. Before I dive into that, this is the final call to join the Secure Self Challenge, which, for those who are not familiar, is my 28 day challenge all about building self worth. We kick off next Monday, so about 5 days from when this will go live. And I would love to have you there. It's really short and sweet. It's very doable. It's kind of action oriented rather than really heavy theory and long lessons and lots of stuff to do. There's a strong community focus, so the community is already open.
[00:02:02]:
So if you were to sign up today, you would get an invite to the community where, you know, everyone is already sharing and connecting and getting to know each other. That's a space where you can also ask me questions and get feedback, and we've got a live call next week. So it's really great value. It's one of my most affordable actually, it is my most affordable live program, and I would absolutely love for you to be part of it. So if you're at all interested, definitely check it out. It's in the show notes. It's on my website, stephanierigg.com, and I would love to see you there. Okay.
[00:02:31]:
So let's dive into this conversation around 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Okay. The first one is you cannot outrun yourself, so wherever you go, there you are. I think this is so important because it's really easy for us to think that when we're in an unsatisfactory situation, relationship, job, whatever it might be, if you're feeling a bit stuck in life, particularly where there's a theme where it's kind of a recurring pattern and you've been there before, you've felt that way before, it's so easy to convince ourselves that changing the circumstances, leaving the relationship, or leaving the job, whatever, that doing that kind of outer work will resolve whatever inner conflict we're experiencing. And that's not to say that making environmental changes can't be part of that shift, that making healthier choices in terms of the relationships we're in or changing jobs if we're in a really toxic work environment, all of those things can be part of self growth. But if we're not actually addressing the root cause of how we got to where we are and what is it within us that has landed us in that pattern again and again, then there is every chance that you will find yourself in some version of that the next time around. It's it's very rare that without the self awareness and the intentional kind of reprogramming of those wounded parts of us, we're incredibly adept at recreating circumstances that bring us into contact with those things, that reaffirm our negative core beliefs about ourselves and that reflects those things back at us. So if you have a core belief that you are unworthy of being in a healthy relationship, there is every chance that you are going to subconsciously seek out partners who reinforce that belief and who leave you feeling like you are not worthy of a good relationship, that you have to prove yourself, that you have to earn love, that you are going to be rejected or abandoned or whatever in favor of someone else who is better than you.
[00:04:32]:
All of these things follow us. Those are unresolved things that really need our attention, and and we keep turning our back on these parts of us rather than doing the really scary but courageous work of actually facing it and opening the can of worms and going, okay, how did I get here? What is it within me? What happened in my past? What shaped me in this way so that I developed with these beliefs that have gotten me to this circumstance again and again and again. Now, it's not comfortable work, and that's why it's so easy to avoid, maybe to blame others or just to keep changing those external circumstances and running away from the problem, but when the problem is within us, there is no running away, there is no outrunning of you. So the first lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is wherever you go, there you are. Your patterns are coming with you unless and until you do the work to resolve them and to really learn a new way of being. Okay. The second one that I want to share with you is by not changing, by not making changes that you know you need to make, you are choosing more of the same. So what do I mean by this? I think that when we are not taking action towards a big life change, or maybe a little life change, right, it could be just habit change, and this isn't just about relationships, this could be something like having healthier habits around, like, diet and exercise.
[00:06:00]:
It could be anything. But I think we tell ourselves that by not making the changes that we know we need to make, we're doing nothing. We're staying still. We're staying stuck. But really, we're always in forward motion. Okay? So you're either in forward motion down the path that is leading you to more of what you want, being the kind of life you want, the kind of feelings you want to have about yourself, about others, about the world, fulfillment, joy, peace, self respect, all of those things, you're either walking down that path or you are walking down the path that is leading you to more of what you do not want. So that might be more of the same. But know that in not making the changes and not taking action towards those changes, you are choosing more of the same.
[00:06:48]:
So just reframing it from a passive to an active thing, I think, really wakes us up a bit to the self responsibility involved in that of, oh, okay. I'm not just staying still. It's not that I'm stagnant and passively existing in my life. Every day that I wake up and I just go through the motions of reenacting all of my habituated patterns, all of my conditioned ways of being, I make the choices that I know are not in service of how I want to live my life and the kind of life that I want. In doing those things, I am actively choosing more of the more of what is keeping me feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, stressed, burnt out, whatever it might be. You're choosing that by not making the changes that you know you need to make. So that is something that I absolutely wish I had learned sooner because I think that that would have jolted me a little into a bit more self responsibility, a bit more agency, having a bit of a wake up call of, like, this is on you. You can keep, like, living your life in this autopilot mode and making all of those changes, like, a down the track thing, you know, oh, I'll do that, like, next year or later when I have more time, when I can be bothered, or when things get really bad, whatever it might be.
[00:08:02]:
That's not just, like, saving it for later. That's choosing more of the same. It is walking further and further down the path that you don't want to be walking down. So be aware of that. Really audit. Where am I choosing a life that I don't want? And am I contributing every day through my actions, through my tendencies, through my habits, to the formation of a life that is not fulfilling to me? And what do I need to change today in order to change direction towards something that actually sounds good to me and sounds appealing to me in terms of the life that I want to be living. Okay. The third lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is that self respect is something that you have to earn.
[00:08:46]:
Now, I've spoken before on the podcast about self respect. I think that self respect is so, so important. I am far more interested in cultivating self respect than self love, not because I think there's anything wrong with self love, but I just think self respect is much more powerful in a really strong, authentic relationship with self. And for me, self respect is all about value alignment. So, am I showing up in a way that reflects my values? Do I know who I am? Am I comfortable with who I am? And do I act from that place? Or is there this big incongruence, this big gap between the kind of person I say I want to be and the way that I'm showing up? And I think it's a really good telltale sign that there is that gap if you often feel like shame, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation about the way that you've acted after the fact. So if you've done something that feels really icky and out of alignment and you don't feel good about it, that's a good sign of, like, what is that telling me? Where have I not met my own standards for the kind of person that I want to be? And It's not about perfectionism, it's not about holding ourselves to an impossibly high standard of never making a mistake, but I think we all know when we're out of integrity, and self respect is just such an important thing to earn, and the good news is that you can earn it through the choices that you make and the actions that you take. You might notice that in each of these lessons that I'm sharing with you, there's a strong focus on actions and agency and self responsibility because I think that those things are really what is within our control. And so much of personal development advice is a bit abstract and really suffers from that.
[00:10:27]:
I think it's like, you know, stop comparing yourself to other people, and be kind to yourself, and be loving, and whatever. Those things can just feel so out of reach if all of that stuff is muscle memory, second nature, that's just so deep in your programming that you don't really know where to start. The actions that you take on a day to day basis are much more concrete, and they're kind of easier to shine a light on and easier to see where the choice is. So we can go, oh, there's actually capacity for me to start building out a new branch from the tree here. There's actually capacity for me to choose a new way with this action, and then the action after that, and then the action after that, and really just start that process of compounding that allows us to build out a new relationship with ourselves and a new way of being. So self respect is not something that is just going to magically appear in your life. It's not something that you can think into being. You really do have to earn it, and I think that that is a good thing.
[00:11:24]:
This is not like saying you need to earn someone else's love or earn someone's approval, which I think generally carries a negative connotation. When I say self respect needs to be earned, I think that is really calling you forth into a level of self responsibility and accountability in your relationship with yourself. And to the extent that you feel you're lacking self respect, there might be a reason for it. Okay? And that's kind of a hard truth that a lot of us maybe shy away from, but I think it's an important one. And certainly for me, And I've shared this before at the times in my life when I really lacked self respect. When I look back on it now, I think that that was exactly as it should have been because I wasn't behaving in a way that garnered self respect. I really wasn't, and I think that the discomfort that I felt with that, the lack of integrity, was a really important alarm bell that was pointing me towards where my work was. And I am so fortunate, and I'm so relationship with myself, because I can really comfortably say now that I do have that internal relationship of self respect, and that's so freeing.
[00:12:35]:
It contributes so much to a really embodied sense of self esteem. It's really being able to hand on heart say I'm comfortable with who I am, so that's been a huge one for me, and it's why I'm so bullish on self respect relative to other things like self love. So those were 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Just to recap quickly, it's wherever you go, there you are. You cannot outrun your patterns. They're coming with you until you, turn around and face them and do that courageous work of really tending to the parts of you that need your attention. The second one was by not making the changes that you know you need to make, you are actively choosing more of the same. So it's not just do nothing or make a change, it's continue walking down the path that I don't want to be walking down or walk down a different path.
[00:13:24]:
Okay? So really shifting into more of an active role there in the constant creation of whatever your life is. And the third one is that self respect is earned. So you need to actively do the work through your day to day actions of bringing your values and your choices, your behaviors into alignment so that you have that real sense of integrity. I really hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed today's episode, I really do encourage you to sign up to the Secure Self Challenge. This is very much in keeping with what we talk about there and the lessons that we're putting into practice over the 28 days of the challenge. So I would absolutely love to see you there if this is up your alley, as it is mine. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:14]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self worth, self respect, self responsibility, attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, life lessons, self awareness, inner conflict, core beliefs, personal growth, environmental changes, self growth, unresolved issues, subconscious patterns, negative core beliefs, relationship advice, self esteem, value alignment, integrity, self respect vs self love, self respect actions, self respect behaviors, self responsibility in relationships, changing habits, choosing life paths, improving self respect, self respect development
#148 How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
We cover:
What resentment signals to us about ourselves
Why certain people are more prone to resentment
The link between resentment and poor boundaries, suppression of needs and avoiding conflict
How we can shift out of victimhood and take responsibility for our part in a dynamic
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
Resentment is a common yet often misunderstood emotion that can significantly impact our relationships. While fleeting moments of resentment can be part of any relationship dynamic, chronic resentment can signal deeper issues that need addressing. Understanding the roots and implications of resentment can be a crucial step toward fostering healthier connections and personal well-being.
The Nature of Resentment
Resentment is characterised by a sense of internal frustration, victimhood, and powerlessness. It often arises when we perceive that someone is doing something to us, or failing to do something, that leads to a buildup of anger and bitterness. Unlike anger, which is usually expressed outwardly, resentment tends to fester internally, creating a toxic undercurrent in relationships.
People who struggle with articulating their needs, setting boundaries, or are conflict-averse are often more susceptible to resentment. Rather than openly addressing issues, they might keep their grievances to themselves, leading to an internalised sense of injustice and powerlessness. This internal harbouring of resentment can make it challenging to move forward and resolve conflicts constructively.
Resentment Beyond Romantic Relationships
It's important to note that resentment isn't confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in various relational contexts — be it with a coworker, a boss, or even within family dynamics. Regardless of the context, the underlying feelings and their ramifications can be quite similar.
When resentment becomes a recurring theme, it demands introspection and a willingness to dissect what is truly happening beneath the surface. This involves examining not only the immediate triggers but also our habitual responses to those triggers.
The Impact on Relationships
Resentment acts like a dirty pane of glass between partners, obscuring clear communication and connection. When resentment is left unchecked, it can create a murky atmosphere where misunderstandings and emotional distance become the norm. This metaphor highlights the importance of keeping our relational "glass" as clean as possible to maintain healthy and open lines of communication.
One of the most insidious aspects of resentment is the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies it. This feeling can reinforce a victim mindset, making it difficult to see the situation from a more empowered perspective. It's easy to focus on what others are doing wrong or failing to do, which places our happiness and well-being outside of our control. This externalisation can lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction.
Taking Ownership
A critical step in addressing resentment is shifting from a victim mindset to one of personal responsibility and empowerment. This doesn't mean excusing someone else's poor behaviour but rather examining our own role in the dynamic. Reflecting on questions like, "Where have I not respected myself?" or "What have I not communicated?" can provide insight into how we've contributed to the situation.
Often, resentment is a signal that something important has been left unsaid or unaddressed. This might be a difficult conversation, an unexpressed need, or a boundary that hasn't been enforced. Acknowledging and confronting these areas can often be the first step toward resolving underlying tensions.
Moreover, it's essential to explore whether our expectations of others are realistic and communicated effectively. Sometimes, we may harbour unspoken rules or expectations that, when unmet, lead to feelings of resentment. By clearly expressing our needs and setting realistic expectations, we can mitigate the buildup of these negative feelings.
Practical Steps to Combat Resentment
Overcoming resentment involves both internal and external work. Internally, it's about shifting our mindset from one of disempowerment to taking active steps toward our own well-being. This might include:
Self-Reflection: Regularly checking in with ourselves to understand what we're truly feeling and why.
Boundary Setting: Clearly defining and communicating our boundaries to others.
Self-Care: Prioritising our well-being and not relying solely on others for our happiness.
Externally, it involves open communication and assertiveness:
Honest Conversations: Addressing issues directly with the people involved, rather than letting them fester.
Feedback and Requests: Clearly articulating what we need from others, rather than assuming they should know.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Developing the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.
Embracing Empowerment
Shifting from resentment to empowerment is a journey that requires patience and practice. It's about reclaiming our agency and recognising that we have more control over our situations than we might initially believe. By prioritising our own well-being and taking active steps to address underlying issues, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Resentment need not be a permanent fixture in our relational landscape. By engaging in intentional self-reflection, open communication, and proactive boundary setting, we can clear the emotional debris that clouds our connections and move towards a more empowered and fulfilling way of relating to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you frequently find yourself feeling resentful in your relationships? Where do you think this feeling stems from, and how does it affect your interactions with others?
Can you recall a situation where you felt particularly resentful towards someone? Reflect on how you managed that feeling and what, if anything, you did to address it.
In what ways do you struggle with articulating your needs or boundaries in your relationships? How might this contribute to feelings of resentment?
Do you recognise any patterns of conflict avoidance or peacekeeping in your behaviour? How does this impact your sense of empowerment and communication in relationships?
Think of a time when unspoken expectations led to feelings of resentment. How could clearer communication have altered the outcome of that situation?
Reflect on the concept of "internal empowerment" discussed in the episode. How do you currently take ownership of your well-being, and where could you improve?
When faced with a problematic behaviour in others, do you find yourself falling into a victim mindset? How can you shift towards taking constructive action for your own peace?
Consider a scenario where you successfully set a boundary or had a difficult conversation. What did you learn from this experience, and how can it be applied to other areas of your life?
How do you perceive the balance between setting realistic expectations of others and advocating for your needs? What strategies can help you maintain this balance?
Imagine letting go of a "cloak of resentment" as described in the episode. What actions or mindset shifts are necessary for you to feel more empowered and less resentful in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about resentment and what to do if you're feeling resentful in your relationship. So I think that resentment is unfortunately extremely common in relationships. And while it doesn't always, you know, mean that there's something wrong, like, we might experience moments of resentment in an otherwise healthy and secure relationship. If resentment is a really common occurrence for you, it's something that you feel a lot of the time and maybe you felt it in every relationship you've ever had or it's a big part of your life to feel resentful, then it is definitely something that we wanna get a bit curious about and understand a little more because as we'll talk about today, there's a lot to be learned about the situation and about your response to a situation by interrogating, in a gentle way, what's going on for us when we're harboring a lot of resentment towards a partner. And, you know, I should say, even as I'm saying this, it's not only something that we can experience in a romantic relationship. So, if you're feeling resentful in a coworker, a boss, there is much to be gained from understanding what is really going on for you there and what you might be able to do about it.
[00:01:46]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder that my Secure Self Challenge is kicking off in less than 2 weeks. We've already got over 50 people signed up and would absolutely love for you to join us if you are someone who's interested in learning more about building the pillars of security within yourself, self worth. It's a 28 day challenge, and each week is themed around one of those pillars. So we go self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's very much a welcoming space for all, and there's a strong community focus. So last time, there was a very vibrant, online community, and, you know, people really connected with one another and were hugely supportive of each other's shares and insights.
[00:02:35]:
And it was really such a beautiful thing for me to witness everyone really thriving and and growing in community together. And so if you're interested in joining, early bird pricing is available for the next 48 hours. Definitely encourage you to check it out. Would love to see you there. It's one of my most affordable offers, and, yeah, I would love to see you there. So definitely go check it out if you're interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around resentment.
[00:02:57]:
As I said in the introduction, I think that there's a lot to be learned when we experience resentment in a relationship. I think there's a very specific kind of feeling tone to resentment, and it's this sense of, you know, internal frustration and kind of victimhood, powerlessness, this sense that someone is doing something or not doing something to us, and we have this anger and frustration towards them, but there's this really internal experience to resentment. I think that those of us who struggle with directly articulating needs or boundaries or requests, giving feedback, maybe those of us who are conflict diverse, who tend towards keeping the peace rather than, you know, getting everything out in the open, advocating for ourselves. I think if you fall into that bucket, that type of person, then you're probably more susceptible to struggling with resentment than is someone who is very direct, and as soon as they're bothered by something, they raise it. There is this internal harboring of her stories and, as I said, like victimhood and this sense of being aggrieved by someone, but that there's nothing that you can do about it, and so you just sort of stew on it internally. Now as I'm saying that, I'm sure the the vast majority of people will have had some experience of resentment, and so you can probably recall that feeling and, you know, how icky it is in your body, how toxic it is in a relational context, and to have all of that kind of bubbling under the surface. I really like the analogy, not just the context of resentment, but more broadly in relationships of a pane of glass. If there was a pane of glass between us, how clean or grubby is that pane of glass? With the metaphor kind of meaning that if the glass is really clean, then everything's good.
[00:04:49]:
The channels of communication are open, you're feeling really connected. But if the glass is really dirty, grubby, there's there's marks all over it, you can't really see each other, then that's maybe pointing to there being things that need addressing in the relationship. And I think resentment is something that makes the glass pretty murky, pretty grubby. And so I think that we do need to really reflect on, you know, what resentment does to a relationship. And I think one of the tricky things about it is when we're in this mindset of feeling really resentful towards someone, it typically goes hand in hand with feeling powerless. And I think that's one of the key things that we can take away from a feeling of resentment, that we can really learn from it, is that we've given away our power or we've placed that outside of ourselves, and we're really focusing on the things that other people are doing, whether that's to us or that they're not doing that we think they should be doing and we're feeling judgmental of them about it. But we've generally placed our happiness, our well-being, our sense of empowerment outside of ourselves. And then we're feeling really sorry for ourselves and kind of salty about the fact that someone's not playing by the rules that we've created.
[00:06:02]:
And as I alluded to, oftentimes these are unspoken rules, just expectations that we have of how things should be, how people should act, and then we stew on that when it doesn't all go to plan. So I should pause there and say, this is not about, you know, giving other people a free pass. It's not about saying that someone's behavior, if it is, you know, not okay and that will look different in all different circumstances, so I'm not gonna fill in the blanks for you on what, you know, good and bad behavior is. Because, you know, outside of very clear bright lines, we all have different tolerances for different behaviors, and that's okay. It's about figuring out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. So it's not about or if you're feeling resentful of someone's behavior, me saying to you that that's a really good sign that there's work for you to do there is not to say their behavior is actually fine and they can carry on doing whatever they want because it's your problem, not theirs. I think that when we flip flop between that very, like, binary dualistic thinking of, well, who's at fault here? That's really missing the point. And and what we wanna be doing is stepping outside of that framework altogether where we're trying to find the bad guy and actually just going, okay, what's within my control? What is my part in this? What can I take responsibility for? What can I take ownership over? And I think generally in shifting into that frame of mind, we realize we have a lot more choice than we otherwise did.
[00:07:29]:
When we're in that victim mode, when we're in a lot of fear, we typically feel like we have no choice and no options. And that only exacerbates our sense of powerlessness and fear and anger and resentment because we think that someone else has trapped us in an unfulfilling situation, life, relationship, whatever it might be. So it's not about excusing their behavior. It's not about saying, like, actually, you have no reason to feel resentful or pissed off because it's all on your shoulders. But it is about going, okay, where have I maybe not respected myself here? Where have I not advocated for myself? Where have I not set a boundary? Where have I not said the thing that needs to be said? Where have I not stated a need? What have I done to contribute to the status quo here which is leaving me feeling resentful? The the biggest situation or dynamic because it is very, very rare. I would say almost never happens that one person has no role whatsoever and is just totally So recognizing So recognizing that oftentimes when we're struggling with feelings of resentment, it is because we have not said something. And it comes back, as I said, to that thing of we're keeping it all inside and then feeling really angry and bitter about it. So, if you're feeling resentful, there's often something that has been neglected that is being unsaid, that is being swept under the rug that maybe you are avoiding.
[00:09:04]:
And, you know, there can be really understandable reasons for avoiding difficult conversations, difficult topics for confronting someone, asking them for an honest response to a question that you're scared to ask. All of these things can be daunting, and I really do understand and have sympathy for that. But at the same time, your peace does not come from collapsing into resentment and powerlessness and victimhood. I really promise you that. So if you are feeling resentful about something, really reflect on, how have I contributed to this? What am I not saying? What am I not doing for myself? Because maybe you have said something. I know a lot of people might be thinking, I did tell them what I needed or I did set the boundary and they're still doing this or they're still not doing that. And so now I just feel so exasperated and fed up and overwhelmed and at my wits end because I feel like I've done my part and they're not playing along. So what am I meant to do now? Again, it's that feeling of, like, having exhausted all of your options and then blaming them for the fact that you're feeling powerless.
[00:10:11]:
Again, I really understand this. I relate to it. But there's still a lot of story in that, and there's still, you know, a lot of blame and projection in that. And that's actually good news because it means that there's more choice and there's more agency in the situation than you realize. So shifting out of that mindset and just putting it to one side for a second and going, Okay. Is that really true that I don't have any other options? That it's all on them and my happiness resides in their behavior, whether they choose to do something or not. How they show up, how they behave towards me gets to determine whether or not I'm happy and at peace in my life. That's a really skewed way of being.
[00:10:59]:
And for a lot of us, that's all we've ever known. So it might be a bit like, what what else am I meant to do? Right? That's that's just reality for me is that my sense of well-being, my sense of happiness is determined by what my partner does or what the people that are close to me, how they behave. And recognizing the kind of codependent patterns that can exist in that, this sense of I have to control your behavior or influence your behavior in order for me to feel okay because those things are so inextricably linked in my in my mind, in my body. So reflecting on that. Reflecting on what is my role here, what can I give to myself, how can I kind of take the situation back into my own hands, how can I create a sense of empowerment, How can I prioritize my own well-being here rather than outsourcing that to someone else and then resenting them for not doing what I want them to do, and really shifting back into that kind of internal leadership role where you are in the driver's seat of your own experience, rather than being in the passenger seat of someone else's and blaming them for going in the wrong direction? So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that that might feel easier said than done, and it certainly is. All of this stuff is easier said than done. But it's such an important thing to reflect on when we have these patterns of, you know, feeling really at the mercy of someone else in our relationships.
[00:12:32]:
As I said, for a lot of us, that's just so normal that we don't know any other way, but it's actually not healthy to feel that way. And so starting to shift out of that, and it's not about becoming indifferent to someone else. It's not, as I said, saying that, like, they can just do whatever and I'm going to be unaffected by it, but it's recognizing that you can take really good care of yourself, and that'll mean a lot of different things. So it's deciding how near or far you want to be to someone else's behaviour if that behaviour is causing you hurt and pain. But just allowing yourself to stay stuck and then being resentful that nothing's changing or that someone's continuing to do something or hasn't started doing the thing that they said they were going to do. It's not a nice place to be. It's not good for your health, your well-being, your sanity. Again, speaking from experience, I know what that feels like.
[00:13:24]:
So my invitation to you is really to almost imagine you're taking off a really heavy cloak and go, oh, I'm gonna take off that cloak of resentment and just see what else might exist here, what other possibilities exist here, whether it's a conversation that needs to be had, whether it's some steps you need to take for yourself, some space and time away, or just a shift in focus and mindset. Just see what becomes possible when you consciously decide to shift gears away from that mode of of resentment, of stuckness, of disempowerment. Because I promise you there's a lot more to be gained on the other side of that than there is by swirling around in that pool of resentment. Okay. I hope that that has given you something to think about. I hope it's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and ratings. I do read every single one of them and they always bring a smile to my face.
[00:14:18]:
Always so touched by all of the people that tune in and finding some solace in the podcast. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
resentment, relationship resentment, overcoming resentment, attachment styles, romantic relationships, coworker resentment, boss resentment, secure self challenge, self worth, self compassion, self care, self respect, self trust, setting boundaries, articulating needs, conflict avoidance, internal frustration, powerlessness, victimhood, harbouring resentment, communication in relationships, addressing resentment, relational context, reflecting on resentment, empowerment in relationships, codependency, controlling behaviour, mental well-being, emotional health, relationship dynamics.