#154 4 Reasons You Keep Attracting Situationships
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situationship and wondered why it keeps happening, this episode is for you. We'll dive into four key reasons why you might be attracting these kinds of connections and how to start breaking free from the cycle. Specifically, we'll cover:
How a fear of rejection stops you from expressing your desires
The saviour complex and trying to change the emotionally unavailable person
The tendency to prioritise chemistry over true compatibility and authentic connection
Tolerating situationships out of a fear that you can't do any better
If you’re tired of finding yourself in situationships, this episode will help you identify the underlying beliefs and behaviors contributing to the pattern. You'll learn practical steps to start attracting the kind of relationship you truly want.
Discovering the Root Causes: Why You Keep Attracting Situationships
Navigating the modern dating world can be a labyrinthine ordeal, especially when one continually finds themselves caught in the limbo of situationships. While a situationship may initially seem like a dynamic, casual arrangement, it often lacks crucial foundational elements like trust, commitment, and clear intentions. This grey zone can leave individuals feeling used, frustrated, and perplexed as to why such patterns keep recurring in their love lives. Let’s delve into four core reasons why one might keep attracting situationships and, more importantly, how to break free from these cycles.
1. Fear of Rejection
A profound fear of rejection can drive individuals to avoid directly communicating their desires and expectations within a relationship. This is especially true for those with anxious attachment patterns. The fear often stems from a deep-seated worthiness wound, leading to a reluctance to express genuine needs for fear of being rebuffed. Instead, one might skirt around important conversations, relying on indirect methods to gauge the other person's interest.
When the avoidance strategy is in play, there's a tendency to tiptoe around defining the relationship, creating an environment ripe for a situationship. Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and being comfortable with potential rejection can significantly alter this dynamic. Being upfront about what one wants might be daunting, but it is a crucial step towards attracting a partnership that aligns with one’s true desires.
2. Hope of Change
A common mindset trap is the belief that if one can just hold on and be patient, the other person will eventually change their stance and commit. This often aligns with the archetype of the "rescuer," who believes that with enough love and understanding, they can bring about a transformation in their partner. Many fall into the fallacy of thinking that persistence will eventually yield the relationship they fantasise about.
However, trying to love someone into availability rarely works and often leaves one feeling inadequate and frustrated. It's crucial to recognise the patterns and acknowledge that meaningful change comes from within the other person, not from external pressure or persistent efforts. Trust that there are individuals who are already available and eager for the type of committed relationship you seek.
3. Prioritising Chemistry Over Compatibility
While chemistry can undeniably ignite the initial stages of a relationship, it shouldn't overshadow essential elements like compatibility and consistent connection. Some may get swept up in the intoxicating allure of chemistry, overlooking red flags or misalignments in core values and goals.
It's essential to balance the heady rush of chemistry with a clear-eyed assessment of whether the relationship meets other fundamental needs. Consistency, reliability, and mutual respect must complement the excitement chemistry brings. An awareness of this tendency allows one to make more discerning choices, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
4. Fear of Being Alone
A fear of being alone can propel individuals to stay in unsatisfying situationships. The thought of facing solitude or the perception of repeated 'failed relationships' can be too daunting, leading to a compromise on one’s standards and desires. One might cling to a connection that is clearly unfulfilling, simply because it feels better than being without any companionship.
Learning to appreciate and enjoy one's own company can be transformative. It provides a solid foundation of self-worth and makes it easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't serve one’s needs. Remember, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel more isolated than solitude ever could.
Moving Forward: Creating Healthy Relationship Patterns
Understanding these underlying reasons for attracting situationships is the first step in transforming relationship dynamics. Here are a few actionable steps to help move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Communicate Directly: Practice clear and honest communication about your needs and expectations from the outset. This not only sets the tone for the relationship but also filters out those who are not on the same page.
Self-Worth Work: Engage in activities and practices that bolster your self-esteem. Whether it’s through therapy, self-help resources, or support groups, strengthening your sense of worthiness is pivotal.
Value-Based Choices: Make a conscious effort to prioritise compatibility and mutual respect over fleeting chemistry. Write down what core values are non-negotiable for you and use this as a guide.
Embrace Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own company and view time spent alone as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than something to fear. This can break the cycle of settling for less than you deserve.
Breaking free from the cycle of situationships requires a combination of self-awareness, consistent practice, and often, a shift in mindset. By addressing the root causes and making deliberate, informed choices, it is entirely possible to cultivate relationships that are healthy, committed, and deeply fulfilling.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences in situationships. Do you see a pattern of behaviour or choices that might be contributing to this dynamic? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth?
Do you find yourself avoiding direct conversations about your relationship goals out of fear of rejection? How has this avoidance impacted your relationships?
How often do you feel tempted to "rescue" or "change" your partner in hopes of creating the relationship you desire? Reflect on moments where this has or hasn’t worked in your favour.
When it comes to chemistry versus compatibility, which do you find yourself prioritising more? How has this emphasis influenced the types of relationships you attract?
Can you identify times when you stayed in a relationship because you feared being alone or felt that having some connection was better than none? How did that affect your overall well-being?
Think about a past relationship where you accepted less than you deserved. What beliefs about yourself were underlying your decision to stay in that relationship?
How do you currently approach the ending of a relationship or situationship? Do you find yourself internalising blame or feeling like a failure? Reflect on how this affects your self-esteem and future relationships.
Are you aware of any signs of emotional unavailability in the people you attract? What steps could you take to ensure you only pursue connections that align with your relationship goals?
Reflect on a time when you clearly communicated your needs and desires in a relationship. How did it feel, and what was the outcome? What does this teach you about the importance of self-advocacy?
What does a healthy, committed, and secure relationship look like to you? Write about the characteristics and values you want in this type of relationship, and reflect on whether your past choices align with these ideals.
Use these prompts to deepen your understanding of your attachment patterns and uncover ways to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about situationships, and specifically four reasons why you keep attracting situationships into your life. Now for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, a situationship could sort of be defined as when you're dating someone and it's more than just a casual encounter. Maybe you've seen each other regularly and you talk a lot and, you know, it sort of starts to feel like a relationship, but it lacks, you know, those core features of maybe exclusivity or maybe you haven't talked about anything formal like that, and there's this reluctance to put a label on it. And so the relationship just sort of drifts on, without, you know, any of the foundational elements like trust and commitment and clarity, that really allows something to feel like an actual relationship. So it exists in this in between space, this limbo between something and nothing. And unfortunately, you know, from speaking to so many people, this is a really common trope of modern dating, and it's something that I think some people more than others are susceptible to.
[00:01:46]:
And that's really what we're going to be talking about today because as much as we can throw our hands up and say, why me? This is so unfair. Everyone is emotionally unavailable and all I want is a committed, healthy, secure relationship. But, you know, when it keeps happening again and again and again, it's just not really honest to suggest that we don't have a part in it. You know, that's really a common theme in everything that I share and teach, is taking responsibility for the ways in which we are creating our own destiny, be that for better or worse. So if you are someone who notices that you keep ending up in these, you know, in between noncommittal relationships where you feel like the other person is taking a lot but maybe not giving much in return, rather than just villainizing them and playing into a story where you are the victim of, you know, everyone being emotionally unavailable in the modern dating world. We're going to be looking today at some of the ways that you might be you know, unknowingly and unintentionally perpetuating those dynamics, and what you can do to shift away from those things, and really deliberately only make yourself available for the kinds of connections that really appeal to you and that are, you know, taking you in the direction that you really want to be going, rather than wasting your time, with things that ultimately feel like a bit of a dead end. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder if you've listened the past couple of weeks, you would know that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back.
[00:03:19]:
So in less than a week I will be opening registration to early bird folks on the waitlist. This is round 8 of the program. It's one that I'm really excited for. I'm going to be including more of a live component than I have in recent times. In my experience with running the Secure Self Challenge, which you might have heard me talk about or maybe you participated in, it's really made clear to me how important that community aspect is. And so for this round, and likely for future rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment, I'm really going to be putting more of an emphasis on that community and life component. So we're going to have a community space as well as several live calls with me where you can connect and ask questions, to really make sure that you have not only accountability, but support as you go through the program. And I think that that can be really helpful for folks.
[00:04:13]:
I know that moving through an online course, can feel a little bit lonely at times and maybe hard to motivate yourself to stay on track with, so hopefully these little tweaks to how I'm going to be running the program will really help you with that. So if you're interested, please do jump on the wait list. The wait list is just there to, guarantee you access to early bird pricing and ensure that you can save your seat when doors open in less than a week's time. So, do that via my website, or the link is there in the show notes underneath this episode. Okay. So let's talk about situationships and some of the reasons why you might find yourself in these relationships again and again and again. So the first reason is that you have a really deep fear of rejection, and so you avoid directly communicating about what you want and where things are at. So I think this is probably true for a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns is that, you know, coupled with that fear of abandonment is that fear of rejection.
[00:05:21]:
And I'd say the common thread there is that worthiness wound, this sense of not being good enough, not being, you know, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, whatever. We don't really see our own value, and so we really, really fear someone else confirming our perception of ourselves, which to me is really what lies at the heart of a fear of rejection is, you know, I already reject myself so deeply, and so if you don't want me, then that acts as confirmation of all of my greatest fears that I am, you know, not worthy of being wanted or chosen by anyone. And so, oftentimes, when that's the base layer, when that's what's sitting underneath, you know, our behaviors and what's driving us, when we're dating, we tend to pursue more indirect ways of gathering information, of scoping out whether someone's interested. You know, we avoid just directly saying, hey, here's what I'm looking for. Are you looking for the same thing? For fear that the answer will be no, and then we'll take that to mean something about us at a really fundamental level that, you know, if we were otherwise, if we were someone else better, then they would want more of a relationship, then they would want to commit. And again, this is just such a fallacy. It's such a signal. You should really if you have those sorts of internal thoughts, that's a really good sign that you have some worthiness stuff going on and that it's driving this, you know, indirect pattern, where you're afraid to advocate for yourself for something as simple as, like, what am I looking for in a relationship? You know, avoiding those sorts of questions.
[00:07:03]:
And I hear this all the time from people saying, like, when is it too soon to start asking someone? We've been, you know, texting for 4 months, and we've only met up once. You know, how should I navigate this? Am I being too needy? It's really important to understand that your reluctance to just come out and say, here's what I'm available for, here's what I'm not available for, that is where your dysfunction meets theirs. So you're like, yes, this person might be, quote, unquote, emotionally unavailable. They might be, you know, taking advantage of the situation. They might be, you know, only available to sleep with you, but not to actually spend time with you or get to know you or other things like that. But you're participating in it, and you're tiptoeing around them because you don't want to be rejected. You don't want to lose the connection, and that lack of directness, that fear of actually just saying, here's what I want, and being really comfortable with the fact that they might want something else, and that doesn't mean anything about you. You might be disappointed if they want something other than what you want.
[00:08:09]:
That might be a shame, but it doesn't mean that, you know, no one's ever going to want you or want the same thing as you. So really look at that and go, Am I tiptoeing? Am I avoiding a conversation for fear of what that might uncover? And just remind yourself that if they don't want the same thing as you, that's going to become apparent sooner or later. And so do I want to be wasting my time, you know, trying to turn this into something that it's never going to become, so that I can feel good about myself or feel like I've won in some way? I think that that's a very easy path to go down when we struggle with self worth, but it is not going to lead you to the kind of relationship that you want. It's likely going to lead you, round and round in circles of frustration and overwhelm and confusion and doubt, and that's not what we want our relationships to be characterized by. And this leads me really nicely into the second reason why you might find yourself in situationships again and again and again. And that is that you convince yourself that if you can just hold on, then, you know, over time you'll be able to influence them to, you know, choose you, to want you. Like, if you can kind of sink your teeth in, then eventually they'll change their mind. So even if at the start they say, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but then, you know, they keep messaging you and you keep meeting up and sleeping together or whatever it might be, but it stops short of anything more committed than that, you might be telling yourself, like, oh, well, I'll just take, you know, this watered down version for now, but if I can spend more time with them and, you know, be really loving and thought full, then they'll see how valuable I am, and surely they will change their mind.
[00:10:00]:
Right? If I can just, like, love them into availability, then everything will be good. Again, I think we can really fall into this trap when we have, you know, not only the unworthiness thing, but when we have that, like, rescuer streak in us. We tell ourselves that we are gonna be the one to change them, to save them. You know, we understand their unavailability, and if they could just open up to us and be vulnerable with us, we'll hold space for them, and they'll feel so seen, and then they'll really see the value in us, and all of that savior complex kind of stuff that we can get stuck in. Again, I say this not from a place of, you know, blaming or shaming. I am very susceptible to this myself, as is anyone who has that combination of a worthiness wound with really strong emotional attunement. It's very easy to put ourselves in that role of coach and therapist and think that we can, you know, transform someone. We can be the inspiration for their big metamorphosis into the version of themselves that they could become if they, you know, sorted all of their intimacy fears out or whatever it might be.
[00:11:12]:
Trust me when I say that that is not again, it's not a role you want to play. It's not a road you want to walk down, because you'll always know deep down that even if that works in the sense that, you know, they change their mind, you'll know that it was because you had to convince them in this insidious kind of way. So don't fall into that trap of trying to, you know, convert someone, persuade them, influence them into being available for a relationship with you. Trust that there are people who are available for a relationship with you who would jump at the opportunity to be in relationship with you, rather than feeling like you need to kind of steward someone into readiness for something like that. Okay? Alright. The third reason that you might find yourself winding up in situationships is that you're a sucker for chemistry, and you tend to prioritize chemistry over things like compatibility and connection. Now, chemistry is not a red flag, and I think that there's a lot of talk about this on social media. You know, we talk about chemistry as if we need to be really wary of chemistry.
[00:12:20]:
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think chemistry can be a beautiful thing about the start of a relationship, and it's really lovely to have good chemistry with someone. But we just don't want to be guided by chemistry and overlook all of the other things that might not be a fit. You know, we don't want to be like a moth to a flame, where chemistry blinds us to everything else that might be present or absent in the connection when those other things are important to us, in order to feel satisfied with, you know, pursuing something. So again, I think that among people with more anxious attachment patterns, there is this tendency to really latch on to, like, oh, we have such amazing chemistry. Oh, we have such an amazing connection. It would be you know, it would feel like a sin to let that go because whenever I'm with them or whenever I'm talking to them, I feel so amazing. You know, I feel like we just get along so well.
[00:13:15]:
We can kind of, you know, really over index on this chemistry thing as, like, oh, it has to mean something that we have this incredible connection. Right? Oh, they're so charming. Oh, they make me feel so, you know, special and seen and all of these things. Again, nothing wrong with that, but we really need to also be paying attention to, is this person consistent? Are they reliable? Do they want the same things as me? Do their words and their actions match up? If there's no substance underlying that chemistry or that connection, then we're likely to be led astray, and we're much more prone to ending up in these situationships, some approximation of what we really want, because we've gotten carried away by how good it feels when we are connected with them. And then we, you know, get stuck in that cycle of chasing the high and kind of frantically wanting to get back to connection. So, you know, if they're not texting regularly or, you know, they're available and then they cancel at the last minute, rather than seeing that for what it is and going, okay. This person's probably, you know, not really committed to spending time with me. You know, they're a bit flaky.
[00:14:27]:
They're unreliable. That's not what I'm looking for. We instead go, oh, what did I do wrong? Have I upset them? How do I make them want me? Do I need to work harder so that this discomfort that I'm experiencing doesn't happen again, and I can, you know, secure them and the time together so that I can, you know, turn this into something more? I think we really need to see things for what they are, and sometimes chemistry, or a really strong connection, can blind us to reality. So just be mindful of that. Again, this won't apply to everyone, and chemistry is not in and of itself a problem that we need to solve for or be suspicious of. Again, I get messages from people being like, do I need to worry if I have good chemistry with someone? No, of course not. But it is good to bear in mind that some people, and you'll probably know if this is you, chemistry can lead you astray, or it can cloud your judgment or cloud your discernment, around other things that may or may not be in alignment about the relationship. So, just be careful about that if you know that that's you, and if you know that it has historically led you to end up in situationships or relationships that aren't actually in alignment with what you want, what you value, and how you want to be treated.
[00:15:46]:
Okay. And the 4th reason that you might find yourself ending up in situations time and time again is you fear that you can't do any better and that something is better than nothing when it comes to relationships. So if you're someone who really struggles with being alone, again, this is all very much connected to that worthiness thing. If you think that just having some connection, even if it's really not in alignment, if it's not what you want, but maybe you don't think you can do any better, maybe you've really struggled with being alone, maybe you've had a string of, you know, so called failed relationships, not that I would use that term, but I know a lot of people use it about themselves. If you've had that kind of relationship history, and you don't want to feel like a failure again, and you don't want to face what it might mean about you to get excited about someone and then be let down or disappointed again, because you tend to internalize that and make it mean something about your worth, your value, your lovability, in those circumstances, you might just hold on and, you know, stay connected because the alternative feels too painful, too scary, too overwhelming, too uncomfortable to bear. And so again, this might feed into some of those other things we've talked about where, you know, I'll just hold on and then maybe I can make them change, or with time it will get better. All of those stories we might tell ourselves, and I would say lies we might tell ourselves, not always, but often, a part of us knows on a deep level that the relationship isn't right, but we either hold on or we keep going back for fear that, you know, it's it's the best we're going to get even though it's so far short of what we truly want. So you might find yourself, you know, holding on or accepting much less than what you want or something very different to what you want, because you don't want to be alone, or even if it's not about being alone.
[00:17:39]:
You know, I hear a lot of people say, I'm actually okay with being by myself. It's not that I struggle to spend time alone, but it's what we make it mean when a relationship ends, and we have to let go of the fantasy that we had about what it could become, and how wonderful it could be. I think that's where it really stings. That's where it really hurts and kind of gets at our self worth, and all of those voices in our head can get really, really loud where we worry that it's always going to be this way, and we're always going to be stuck in this cycle. You know, the great irony of that is that the fear of always being stuck in the cycle is actually what keeps us in the cycle, because we hold on then, and we accept less than what we deserve. So it can be a really vicious downward spiral, if we allow it to be. So a really important thing is to go, you know, I'm not going to continue to participate on these terms. I'm not going to make myself available for something that falls so short of my standards, you know, my hopes, my desires for the kind of relationship that I want in my life, and you really have to trust that more is available to you if you're going to make that call.
[00:18:43]:
Because of course, if we really do believe that nothing better is out there for us, then why wouldn't we accept so much less, right? So that is a big mindset piece, a big, you know, self belief piece that we do need to address at the outset, if we do want to really up level in terms of the quality and caliber of connection that we are attracting, and pursuing in our lives, in our dating. Okay? So I hope that that was helpful, insightful, maybe you saw some of yourself in those patterns. And you know, again as always, this is not intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary, it's intended to empower you to take responsibility, to understand yourself, always with compassion, you know, recognizing that much of this comes from some pretty deep wounds that so many of us carry, so it's not something that you need to beat yourself up about, nor is it something that you need to feel, you know, condemned to a lifetime of being stuck in that pattern. All of this stuff is able to be unlearned and we can, you know, learn more effective and more aligned strategies for creating the life and, you know, the relationships that we want, and that's really what we're doing here. So, sending you lots of love. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating, and definitely consider jumping on the wait list for Healing Anxious Attachment because everything that we've talked about today is very much in keeping of what we dive deep into over 8 weeks in that program. So I would love to see as many of you there as possible. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
situationships, modern dating, fear of rejection, anxious attachment, relationship coach, emotionally unavailable, commitment, self-worth, worthiness wound, noncommittal relationships, dating patterns, attachment theory, relationship guidance, boundaries in dating, communication in relationships, avoiding rejection, vulnerability in dating, trust in relationships, transforming relationships, emotional attunement, chemistry in relationships, compatibility in dating, prioritizing connection, avoiding loneliness, rescuing behavior, unhealthy relationships, secure attachment, online course, live coaching, relationship program
#151 My 3 Favourite Quotes on Life & Love
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
Life and Love: Three Powerful Quotes to Guide You
Navigating life and relationships can often feel like trying to find your way in the dark. Fortunately, the wisdom of others can illuminate our path and provide invaluable insights. Here are three powerful quotes about life and love that can inspire and guide us towards greater self-understanding and healthier relationships.
Every Action is a Vote for the Person You Wish to Become
"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity." – James Clear
James Clear, the author of *Atomic Habits*, captures a profound truth with this quote. It underscores the concept that meaningful change in our lives doesn't require radical shifts. Rather, it is the accumulation of small, consistent actions that shape our identity and destiny.
Imagine every action as a small vote. Each choice we make, no matter how insignificant it seems at the moment, contributes to the kind of person we are becoming. It’s a reminder of our power and agency, encouraging us to make conscious decisions aligned with our values and who we aspire to be.
For those grappling with low self-esteem or insecurity, this quote is a beacon of hope. It suggests that you don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Instead, focus on the small, positive actions you can take daily. Over time, these actions will build up, creating evidence of a new, confident identity.
Control vs Anxiety: The Power of Surrender
"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety." – Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert’s words resonate deeply, particularly for those who struggle with anxiety and control. We often grip tightly to control, believing it keeps chaos at bay. However, in reality, control is an illusion. We never truly hold dominion over most aspects of our lives; we merely have anxiety masquerading as control.
This quote invites us to re-evaluate our relationship with control and surrender. Letting go doesn't mean becoming passive or indifferent. Rather, it means recognising the limits of our control and choosing to trust the natural ebb and flow of life more. This shift can lead to greater peace and less anxiety.
Consider integrating this wisdom into daily life by practicing mindfulness and acceptance. When anxious thoughts arise, remind yourself that clinging to control is counterproductive. Release your grip, embrace the uncertainty, and find solace in the present moment. This practice can lead to a more serene and fulfilling existence.
Boundaries: Stand Your Sacred Ground
"Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground." – Brené Brown
Brené Brown offers a succinct and powerful mantra for setting boundaries. Many of us struggle with boundaries, oscillating between shrinking (being too accommodating) and puffing up (being overly defensive). Brown's quote advocates for a balanced approach: standing your sacred ground.
Setting boundaries isn't about building walls or becoming rigid. It’s about honouring your own needs and values while maintaining respect and compassion for others. When you stand your sacred ground, you remain genuine and firm without aggression or submission. This balanced stance fosters healthier, more respectful relationships.
To put this into practice, begin by recognising your own needs and limits. Articulate these boundaries clearly and kindly. For example, if you need alone time after a busy day, communicate this calmly to your partner without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. This not only respects your needs but also strengthens mutual understanding and respect in your relationship.
Integrating These Quotes into Daily Life
These three quotes offer profound insights into living authentically and building healthier relationships. To integrate these principles into your daily life:
1. Reflect on Your Actions: Regularly evaluate your actions and choices. Are they aligned with the person you aspire to be? Making small, positive changes consistently can lead to significant personal growth.
2. Embrace Surrender: When you feel the urge to control, pause and breathe. Question whether control is truly possible or if it's merely perpetuating your anxiety. Shift your focus to acceptance and trust in the present moment.
3. Set Balanced Boundaries: Identify your needs and communicate them clearly. Practice standing your ground with kindness and firmness, without shrinking or puffing up. This will improve your self-respect and relationship dynamics.
By reflecting on and incorporating these timeless pieces of wisdom, you create a more intentional, balanced, and fulfilling life. Remember, profound change doesn't require grand gestures; it starts with small, deliberate steps taken with mindfulness and purpose.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you relate to the idea that "every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become"? Can you think of recent actions that align or misalign with the person you want to be?
Reflect on a time when you tried to exert control over a situation. Did it lead to more anxiety or resolve the situation? How might you approach a similar situation in the future with more surrender and trust?
Brene Brown's quote about boundaries suggests finding a middle ground between shrinking and puffing up. In your past experiences, have you found yourself leaning towards one of these extremes? How can you better stand your sacred ground?
James Clear mentions that "meaningful change does not require radical change." Can you identify small habits in your daily life that contribute positively to your self-identity? How can you cultivate more of these habits?
Elizabeth Gilbert highlights the illusion of control and its connection to anxiety. Reflect on an area of your life where you feel a strong need for control. How might releasing some of that control impact your mental and emotional well-being?
The concept of "we are what we practice" suggests that our daily actions shape our identity. Are there any practices or routines you currently engage in that you'd like to change to better align with your desired self?
When it comes to boundaries, what does "standing your sacred ground" mean to you personally? How can you implement this concept in your interactions with others?
Reflect on the idea of self-responsibility and self-respect as discussed by Steph. How do these concepts show up in your relationship with yourself and others? Are there areas where you feel a need to develop more self-responsibility or self-respect?
Contemplate the relationship between control and anxiety in your life. How can you practice more surrender and trust to reduce anxiety and improve your overall sense of peace?
Brene Brown's quote encourages advocating for yourself from a heart-centered place. Think of a recent situation where you felt compelled to set a boundary. How could you have approached it from a place of integrity and dignity? How did you feel in that moment, and what would you change, if anything?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am sharing with you 3 of my favorite quotes about life and relationships. So this is a slightly different episode to usual. I haven't done something like this before, but I thought it might be a nice way to borrow from the wisdom of other people, teachers who I find to be very inspirational and offer that to you as food for thought, and obviously, share with you what it is about these words and the ideas behind them that are, you know, particularly inspiring and that I find to be very profound, and how that might relate to other things that are more in the vein of what we usually talk about here, like attachment. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. I'm excited to share these with you, and I hope that you enjoy these quotes as much as I do. Before we dive into today's episode, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment, which for anyone who is new around here is my signature program, is coming back towards the end of the month or maybe early next month.
[00:01:34]:
Haven't quite decided yet. I'm exposing how poor my planning and project management is, but there it is, transparency. Healing Anxious Attachment is very near and dear to my heart. We've had over 2,000 students in the program since I first created it about two and a half years ago, and this will be the 8th cohort of the program. So I'm really looking forward to it. I have a renewed sense of energy having been on maternity leave and coming back. I'm looking forward to launching this program again for a new round of students. And if you're at all interested in joining, do jump on the wait list, which will entitle you to early bird pricing and first access when registration opens, as I said, towards the end of the month or early next month.
[00:02:19]:
And all of that is linked in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com, and that should be easy enough to find your way to. Okay. So let's dive into these three quotes that I love, which are, to be honest, more about life than they are about specifically relationships, but I think that it would be arbitrary to draw a distinction between those things and suggest that quotes about life and selfhood don't relate to our, you know, intimate partnerships. So the first one is from James Clear, who is probably best known as the author of Atomic Habits, which is, you know, super best selling book that you've probably seen everywhere and many of you will have read. But this quote from James Clear is, every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity.
[00:03:19]:
I love this quote. Okay. I just have to pause before I keep talking. I'm recording this in my home office, and the birds outside my window, they always give me a bit of grief. But today, they are particularly noisy in their chirping. So I apologize. It is near impossible to remove from the recording. So hopefully, it provides a nice ambiance for those listening rather than an annoyance.
[00:03:40]:
But either way, my apologies for the bird noises. Okay. Back to James Clear. So every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. I love this concept. To me, it so beautifully articulates this idea of agency and self responsibility, and that we are what we practice. Right? I love this idea that we are what we practice. So many of us have a really fixed view of ourselves.
[00:04:05]:
We say, like, oh, I'm just this type of person, or that thing's not possible for me. That can often be really restrictive and constrictive to our identity. Obviously, this whole idea of a growth mindset is kind of softening those fixed, attributes that we've slapped on ourselves that keep us really small and stagnant. So I think that shifting into this way of looking at things, that's like, with every action that I take, I'm choosing what kind of person I wanna be. I'm, like, clocking runs on the board. And over time, the sum total of all of those little choices is my identity, which is in this constant process of formation and reformation. I think this is such an encouraging idea for those of us who do struggle with low self esteem or a lack of self belief, realizing that you have so much power moment to moment to actually just choose what kind of person do I want to be, What kind of person do I want to be today? In this moment and the next one and the next one? And recognizing that as you gain momentum in those choices, you know, you're taking one step at a time, but maybe down a different path to the path that you've previously been on. And all of a sudden, you'll look back and go, wow, I've taken a 1000 steps down this new path, and I'm actually quite a way away from where I started in the best possible way.
[00:05:28]:
So, every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. It's a very powerful concept, and one that, for me, is so in alignment with all of the things that I teach and talk about around self responsibility and self respect and self worth. Okay? Reminding ourselves what we are capable of, coming back to integrity, coming back to following through and making sure there is alignment between our, you know, values and our actions rather than just talking about things and never actually following through on them. Okay. Okay. The second quote that I love is from Elizabeth Gilbert, who's also an author, and it is, you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. I'm gonna say that again.
[00:06:15]:
You are afraid of surrender because you don't wanna lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. Alright? I feel like that one deserves a bit of a mic drop. When I first heard it, my therapist actually shared it with me. I was very much on point. Right? This idea that, like, oh, I can't let go of control. I can't surrender. I can't just hand my life over to the universe and say, look, I'm gonna choose to lead with trust.
[00:06:43]:
This idea of, like, I can't let go of control because all of these terrible things will happen. And reminding ourselves, like, we don't actually have control, we just have anxiety. Okay? And, like, that anxiety drives us to create an illusion of control in so many different areas of our lives. All of the ways that we grip and manipulate and try and play out every possible version of how something could happen so that we can plan how we'd respond and, you know, all of the suffering that we cause ourselves just to create this semblance of control in the face of uncertainty, when the reality is we never had control in the 1st place, we just had anxiety. And that anxiety both prompts us to seek control, but it also our attempts at creating control just perpetuate the anxiety. So I think there is immense freedom. And again, I teach this a lot in actually just recognizing how little we have control over, and letting that be a source of peace and surrender rather than fueling the anxiety. It's just it doesn't make any sense to continually be at war with what is, And the reality is that we don't have control over the vast majority of things that are going on in the world, even that happening in our lives.
[00:08:00]:
You know, our sphere of control is relatively limited compared to all of the things that we try to exert control over. So making peace with that, recognizing what your relationship to control is, and asking, do I actually have control, or do I just have anxiety? And my bet would be that it's the latter, right? We just have anxiety, not control. So in light of that, maybe we might try and take more steps towards surrender, and peace, and trust in, you know, the ebb and flow of life, recognizing that it doesn't really matter either way, because even if we try to control, it's not going to work. So maybe if those attempts at control are just causing us stress and anxiety, without having any efficacy attached to them, letting go might provide an alternative way of being that we could explore and play with. Okay. Now the 3rd quote that I love is from Brene Brown, and this quote is around boundaries. And again, if you've been in any of my programs, I think I mentioned this quote in my boundaries masterclass. It is, don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground.
[00:09:13]:
Okay? Now, I'll say that one again. Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground. So it's this idea of when we talk about boundaries, most of us, by default, will either shrink, get very small, or we puff up. We have this bravado or this aggression, and I've talked many times about that pendulum swing that oftentimes we go from having no boundaries to having very dictatorial boundaries where we wanna tell everyone what they can and can't do, and how dare you, and you're violating my boundaries, and we don't really know how to find ourselves to a moderate place, a middle ground, a balanced approach to boundaries that actually is conducive to healthy relationships. Because the puffing up and the shrinking both exist at opposite ends of the spectrum. It's diffuse boundaries or it's rigidity, and neither of those tend to yield what we're wanting, which is you know, I talked about this in a recent episode around boundaries. We want to be able to stay connected to self and connected to other, and boundaries are a really powerful tool to allow us to do that, to facilitate that, because it essentially communicates, here's what I need in order to feel safe while being connected to you. Right? Now, this idea of just stand your sacred ground, I think there's something really powerful and poignant in those words.
[00:10:31]:
It's very evocative, at least for me. You know, firm, feet planted, really heart centered. I don't need to shrink. I don't need to make myself smaller to gain your approval, or to hold on to a relationship, or whatever it might be. I can stand firmly planted in my truth, in my dignity, in my integrity. I can advocate for myself from that place, trusting that whatever flows from that is the right thing. Because how could being grounded in my integrity lead to the wrong outcome, whatever the wrong outcome might be? Again, I think we get so tied up in the right outcome is the one that I want. I think this loops back to our desire to control everything, other people, and the world around us.
[00:11:18]:
So I think that learning to orient ourselves back to center, go, okay, how can I advocate for myself in this moment? What do I need to say? Can I say it from my heart? Can I say it vulnerably, but with care and kindness? And then whatever flows as a result of that, even if the other person blows up and gets really defensive, or even, God forbid, a relationship ends as a result of it. What else could you have done? Right? What else could you have done? You spoke from a true, honest, integral, heart centered place, And that that means that you save yourself so much possibility of regret because, you know, you didn't blow up at them, you didn't bite your tongue, you stood your sacred ground. And I think that's an incredibly empowering thing that is so conducive to inner peace, and, again, really affords us more capacity for that surrender that we talked about in the previous quote around trust and control. So those are my 3 quotes that I wanted to share with you. I hope that you got something out of those. I hope that you like them, love them as much as I do, and that they've given you something to reflect on today as you go about your day, move about the world. That the wisdom that I've borrowed and shared from those wonderful teachers has given you what you need today, whatever that looks like for you. So thank you so much for joining me.
[00:12:44]:
A reminder again, if you want to be part of Healing Anxious Attachment, the upcoming cohort, jump on the wait list. There's obviously no obligation around the wait list. It just does get you that early bird pricing, which is only available to folks on the wait list. Okay. That's all from me, guys. Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next time.
[00:13:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Quotes, James Clear, Atomic Habits, Agency, Self Responsibility, Self Respect, Self Worth, Elizabeth Gilbert, Control, Anxiety, Surrender, Brene Brown, Boundaries, Integrity, Healing Anxious Attachment, Growth Mindset, Selfhood, Trust, Heart-Centered, Inner Peace, Maternity Leave, Cohort, Program