How do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for?
In today's episode, I'm answering a listener's question of "How do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for?" This is a big question, and unfortunately it's one of those messy ones that no one can tell you the answer to. What's worth fighting for according to one person, might be simply too hard and too much for another.
In today's episode, I'm answering a listener's question of "How do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for?" This is a big question, and unfortunately it's one of those messy ones that no one can tell you the answer to. What's worth fighting for according to one person, might be simply too hard and too much for another.
We'll cover:
Fear of regret no matter what we choose
Focusing on what you can control
How to do things differently rather than staying stuck in the same loops
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
CLICK HERE TO ACCESS PRE-SALE PRICING (40% OFF) FOR MY NEW RELATIONSHIP COURSE, SECURE TOGETHER
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering a listener's question on how do I know whether my relationship is worth fighting for or whether it's just too hard, whether we're just incompatible, whether we're just not meant to be? Now, this is obviously a really big question and it's one that I suspect many of you will relate to and will have pondered at some point whether it's in your current relationship or a previous one. It's certainly a question that I've asked myself before and it's a really hard one. It is a really challenging place to be because I think when we're asking this question, a part of us really wants to believe that there is a path forward and another part of us is really, really scared that there isn't. And so knowing what to do with that inner conflict can be really challenging.
[00:01:23]:
And I'm going to share some thoughts today on what to do if you find yourself in that position. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a personal announcement. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen me share late last week that I am pregnant. Joel and I are going to be welcoming a baby boy in early May next year, which is very exciting, and I share that here just in case anyone is at all interested in personal updates about my life. But it's obviously exciting news that I'm excited to be able to share with all of you who so kindly tune in and support my work each week. So that's just a quick little personal announcement. And the second announcement is just to say that Secure Together our new Relationships course is officially open for presale for early bird enrollment that opened yesterday.
[00:02:19]:
And at the time that this episode's release, you'll have about 48 hours to get in on the presale pricing, which is 40% off the regular pricing. So if you're at all interested in the programme, do just check it out. All of the details are now live on the website and it really is I think I said it in last week's episode, but I think it's my favourite programme that I've created so far. I really think it's going to be really powerful and really impactful for a lot of people's relationship. And I think the format of having Joel alongside me to share the avoidant perspective is really, really valuable. And as I said, I think it's going to help a lot of people to overcome those impasses and build those bridges. So if you are interested in checking that out, you have about 48 hours to get in on presale pricing and I will link all of that in the show notes. Okay? So let's dive into this question around how do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for? How do I know whether to stay or go? How do I know if it's salvageable, whether we're just fundamentally not a good fit, whether we're just incompatible.
[00:03:23]:
And I think the starting point is you don't know for sure, right? I mean, absent really awful situations of abuse or mistreatment, which as a side note, that's never what I'm referring to in my work. But absent any of those things, we don't really know, right? Because we don't get to live out different versions of our life. The version where we stay and the version where we go, the version where we keep trying and the version where we throw in the towel. We don't get to play out the different versions and then say, okay, this was the true one or this was the right one. So all we ever really have is the decision that we make and the path that we follow in the moment. And I think that that's really, really hard for people who struggle with self trust because the fear of regret is massive. And I think when you're in this situation of not knowing whether a relationship is salvageable worth fighting for, there's fear of regret on both sides. I'm scared I'm going to regret staying and I'm scared I'm going to regret leaving.
[00:04:22]:
And so I can just be kind of stuck in paralysis of I'm not sure, I don't know what to do. And that's not a nice place to be. As I said, I've been there and it is paralysing and it's overwhelming and it's isolating and it's lonely and it's certainly not empowering. So I think that if that's you and you're feeling aspects of that, my question for you is if you are not ready to leave. And I think that usually people who are asking this question are not ready to leave because there is at least a part of you that doesn't want to do that or isn't ready or feels like there is something worth fighting for, then I think that unless you're going to leave today, then the only thing that you can do that might help is something different. Right? So I've had episodes in the past around when you're feeling stuck in your relationship and what to do around that. And I think it's similar advice here is, okay, if I'm not going to leave today, if I'm not going to pack up my bags and leave today, I'm going to stay. Do I want to stay in the same way that I've been in this relationship for the last weeks, months, years, that hasn't been working, that's gotten me to this point, or if I'm going to stay, do I want to stay and try something different? I think it is that thing of the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
[00:05:51]:
And I think, of course, we're not consciously in our relationships just running into a brick wall. We would never do that intentionally. But when we zoom out and we look at it, it's like often we're actually just trying harder and harder at the same strategy rather than actually trying a different strategy. And so sometimes what we really need is a circuit break. We need to have the courage to do things differently rather than just staying entrenched in our patterns within the relationship and then lamenting the fact that there's no progress or that we're still in that same dynamic or we keep repeating the same conflicts or whatever. Of course we are, because we're not doing anything differently, right? Inputs to the system need to change in order for the output to be any different. Now, I think the hopeful message in amongst all of this is that you have the choice to do that. Of course you can't control how your partner shows up or what they do, or their willingness to meet you in change.
[00:06:47]:
But relationships are a system, relationships are a feedback loop, right? It's like a call and response, it's a dance. And so changing your inputs to the system, changing the way that you show up, changing your energy, how you spend your time, how you relate to your partner, your warmth towards them, all of that will have a ripple effect, I promise you. And I think that it's really important to recognise that you have more choice than you realise, you have more agency than it often feels like when you are in the depths of that paralysis, of not knowing whether to stay or go. So I think that postponing the decision and going, okay, clearly today's not the day that I'm leaving, so let me park that and put that on the shelf for six months or three months or whatever period of time makes sense. For this next period, I am going to change the way that I show up. And that might look like lots of different things. And it's not just trying to elicit change in a partner, because I think that when we try and change ourselves in order that our partner will change or try and change our behaviour to get something out of them, then often it's actually a covert repeat of the same pattern. Because often the person who does that is the person who is already trying to control the relationship, who's already trying to get their partner to change.
[00:08:03]:
And so that's actually an extension of the same pattern rather than a departure from it, but actually going, okay, what would me showing up differently look like? And it might be that I focus more on myself, maybe I focus more on my health and well being, maybe I commit to having some hobbies or really proactively nurturing friendships outside the relationship or maybe I don't nag my partner about the things that I usually nag my partner about or I just let things go more. Maybe I don't feel the need to turn everything into some sort of teachable moment where I punish my partner for getting it wrong or for disappointing me or whatever. There are lots of different ways that we can sort of turn left instead of turning right, if we always turn right. But it does take a level of awareness and intentionality because as you would know, and as I certainly know, it's like muscle memory, right? It's autopilot. We do the things that we do without even realising that we're doing them. So it will take some effort from you. But again, I come back to this question of would you rather that or would you rather to just keep doing the thing that you've been doing that's gotten you to this point? I don't think that what has gotten you here is going to get you to where you want to go. And I think sometimes we do need to just take a more logical, rational approach to things rather than being so attached to the story of well, I can't do anything because they won't change, or how am I meant to find fulfilment when they won't meet my needs? Look, all of that might have elements of truth to it, but for so long as you are attached to making them the problem and blaming them and inadvertently robbing yourself of agency and choice and power, you are contributing to the status quo that you are resisting, right? You are really, whether you like it or not, creating your reality by staying stuck in that story.
[00:10:02]:
So I think the very best thing that you can do if you're there and you don't want to be, is something different. And the great thing about this is going back to what I said at the start, that so often it's a fear of regret in either direction that it's keeping us stuck. And this is really advice that goes for, I think, all areas of life, all big decision points in our life when we can really hand on heart say I did my best, right? I did my best in the relationship, I really gave it my all, I really got vulnerable, I really did the courageous thing then there's not a lot of space for regret because you acted with integrity. Whereas I think that if you hide in victimhood or you hide in blame and self defence and all of those patterns that some of those what ifs or if onlys, or maybe if I'd done this differently or maybe if I'd tried harder, or maybe if I'd not been so insert whatever here, right? But you have those wonderings because of the way that you showed up or didn't show up. Whereas I think that it is really a buffer against regret when we are making a decision to be able to say, like, I gave it my all. I really did. I was courageous, I was vulnerable, I laid down my guard and I put myself out there, I let myself be seen. And if it doesn't work, if that doesn't lead to anything fruitful, then maybe you'll have more comfort in making the decision that the relationship is not going to work for you or isn't right for you and maybe you'll be much more at peace with that decision than you are currently.
[00:11:44]:
So I really do think it's kind of a win win. Of course you can't guarantee an outcome, but I think you can really increase the likelihood that you'll be at peace with whatever outcome follows. So reflect on that. Figure out what doing things differently might look like for you. And a precursor step to that is figuring out what your partner pattern is. How do I contribute to the norms in this relationship, to the culture of this relationship, to the status quo that we've found ourselves in here? Because, as I said, just blaming the other person and abrogating any responsibility is not honest. I know it's probably more comfortable, but it's usually missing the full picture and it's really hard to make change when we're not looking at things clearly. So get honest, get self responsible, figure out what doing things differently might look like from your side, and then maybe release the grip on needing that to yield a specific outcome.
[00:12:39]:
And just be curious and be open to the possibility of change surprising you, of your partner surprising you, of you surprising yourself. So much is possible beyond the really rigid binaries of stay or go, change or not change. But often we can't see them when we're really deep in our fear. So I hope that's given you something to think about. I hope that it's been helpful. And if you are in that place, I'm sending you lots of love. Because as I said, I know that it can feel really overwhelming and really lonely, but you'll be okay. Just come back to the fact that you have choice, you have agency, you have options and you'll be okay because you are much stronger than you realise.
[00:13:23]:
So do the courageous thing and see what happens. Thank you so much for joining me, guys. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you. And as I said, if you're interested in the new course, Secure Together, which goes into a lot of this stuff goes really deep into identifying the patterns and figuring out what your negative cycles are, where you go wrong, and how you can really start taking tangible steps towards building a more positive culture and really understanding each other better. All of that's covered in the course in a lot of detail in a way that's really unintimidating and really approachable. So definitely cheque it out if that appeals at all. But otherwise I really look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
5 Things to Normalise in Long-Term Relationships
In today's episode, we're talking all about things that we need to normalise in long-term relationships. So much of the time, our expectations about our relationships - that they should be harmonious 100% of the time, that we should love everything about our partner, that we should never doubt or question our choices - leave us feeling confused and anxious.
In today's episode, we're talking all about things that we need to normalise in long-term relationships. So much of the time, our expectations about our relationships - that they should be harmonious 100% of the time, that we should love everything about our partner, that we should never doubt or question our choices - leave us feeling confused and anxious.
When really, the problem is not with our relationship - it's with the pressure we've placed on our relationship to meet an unrealistic standard of perfection.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am sharing five things to normalise in long term relationships. So I think that thanks to social media, thanks to Hollywood and all of those other influences, we can often have really warped expectations around what a long term relationship should look and feel like, what's normal and what isn't. And I think that the very one sided, imbalanced, unrealistic view that we can get from all of those media sources means that oftentimes we are a harsh judge of our own relationship and that we perceive something as being really wrong and being really abnormal or a real cause for concern, when really it's just part of what you sign up for. When you decide to build a life with someone and enter into long term partnership.
[00:01:22]:
So I'm hoping that in today's episode I can speak to some of those things that we really do need to normalise. And of course, it's not about normalising being unhappy, normalising, resigning yourself to a lifetime of dissatisfaction or anything like that, but rather managing our expectations. Because I think in this and so many other areas of life, when we have really rigid and unrealistically high or perfect expectations, then inevitably we're going to feel disappointed when real life misses the mark. And I think that when we're in that mindset of seeking perfection and expecting perfection, then we're only ever noticing the shortcomings, the ways in which we don't meet that standard. And oftentimes that robs us of our ability to be grateful for what we do have, for all of the things that we do really appreciate about our partner and our relationship. So I think that the more we can flip the script on that and know what we're getting ourselves into, know what's normal, the less likely we are to panic when we encounter hardship, when things feel challenging and really approach those trials and tribulations of relationship as part of the journey and an opportunity for growth and something that we feel well placed to navigate as a team with our partner and as an individual rather than a crisis or a sign that our relationship is broken, irreparably or anything like that. So that's what I'm hoping to share with you today before I dive into that one final announcement about my new course, Secure Together, which opens for registration in less than one week. Secure Together, if you haven't heard me sharing about it recently, is a new course designed primarily for couples.
[00:03:18]:
So people who are in a relationship with anxious avoidant dynamics and really struggling with that push and pull feeling like you're stuck in those negative conflict cycles where you're always fighting over who's right or who's reasonable and unreasonable. Maybe one of you is always wanting more closeness, more connection, more intimacy. The other one is always pushing that away or shutting down, withdrawing all of those dynamics that I know so well and I'm sure many of you know so well. And that can feel like we really want to be able to get through that because we really do love our partner, but we just feel a little bit stuck on how to do that. And we've tried over and over and over again, but maybe we have a feeling that we need to try something different rather than just trying the same thing over and over. So this new course, secure together that I'm teaching with my partner, Joel, will be a roadmap out of those sticky dynamics and into greater connection. So we're really going to be taking you by the hand through a lot of really powerful exercises that will allow you to have the conversations that you need to have without it devolving into attack and blame and criticism. And defence and shutdown and all of those things actually guiding you into a place of vulnerability and connection and compassion without all of the defence mechanisms that can hijack those conversations that are so important.
[00:04:49]:
So it's going to be a really powerful programme. I think it's possibly my favourite one that I've created yet, and I'm really excited to be sharing that in less than a week. So if you are interested, definitely jump on the waitlist, which is in the show notes or via my website or my Instagram. Doing so will save you $200 on the course price, so it's definitely worth doing. And you'll also get first access when doors open next week. So I would love to see as many of you there as possible if this is something you're struggling with. I feel really confident about this course and the fact that it's going to help a lot of people. So definitely cheque that out if you're interested.
[00:05:29]:
Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around five things to normalise in long term relationship. So, as you'll see, each of these, as I mentioned in the introduction, is essentially around reframing our expectations and realising that relationships are challenging and that feelings and emotions can come and go and that sometimes we actually just need to let go of trying to control everything and recognise that we're signing up for a full spectrum experience when we decide to be in long term relationship with someone. Relationships are hard. Relationships challenge us in a way that I would say no other experience in life does. The whole point of this body of work is that our romantic relationships bring us into contact with our deepest attachment wounds in a way that no other relationships tend to. And so it makes sense that they're going to challenge us, that they are going to test us all of that is part of the process and I would say part of the gift of long term partnership if you are wanting to do that work. So the first one that I want to share is normalising seasons of ebb and flow in your connection with each other in how things are feeling. I think oftentimes we can have this expectation that things should be good all the time and we should always be really connected and we should always be really in sync and in flow and everything should always be feeling good all the time and as lovely as that would be, it's just not reality, right? I think if we step away from our own experience and think about it a little more rationally, we can understand that life is busy and it can be stressful and there's so many inputs to the system.
[00:07:18]:
You've got two individuals with all of their own stuff, all of their own worries and insecurities and fears and responsibilities and all of the things that life can throw at us. Expecting to maintain a faultless 100% always on connection is just not realistic. Having regard to the backdrop to our relationship. So I think the more we can recognise this and not immediately take a period of feeling a bit off in your connection with each other, maybe you don't feel very in touch with your partner. You don't feel even like you really want to spend time with them or you're constantly getting on each other's nerves or all of those things that can happen. Right? I think when we have unrealistic expectations and often this will go hand in hand with insecure attachment patterns, we can expect perfection, consciously or otherwise and we can absolutely make a lot of meaning out of imperfection. So if we are experiencing a bit of an ebb in our relationship then we suddenly go oh, there's something very wrong oh, my partner doesn't love me anymore or this shouldn't be happening. We have so much resistance to disconnection, however fleeting and I think as a result we amplify the stress because of the meaning that we're ascribing to it.
[00:08:39]:
So rather than immediately going into crisis mode and immediately going into all of the stories we tell ourselves when we're experiencing that, my invitation instead is to recognise that it's totally to be expected at some point in Long. Term relationship. You're going to experience that, and likely at many points and recognising that that doesn't automatically signal anything other than what it is that you're feeling a bit disconnected. So, of course, I don't suggest that you just ignore that and just let it be, but approaching it with the energy of wanting to bring us back into connection and going, hey, I'm noticing that we're a bit out. Of sync at the moment that things feel a bit off between us, and I would really love if we could spend some time reconnecting or whatever you need, but bringing that kind of energy to it. That energy of respect and trust and security and stability, rather than the energy of this is a huge, monumental problem crisis that needs to be solved immediately and all of the stress that that's likely to come with. So I think being patient, communicating clearly and seeking whatever time, shared experiences or additional effort that might be required to understand what's going on underneath the surface, what might be driving the disconnection, and how you can gently move back into a flow that feels better for you. Okay, the next one that I want to share is it is normal to not love every single thing about your partner.
[00:10:26]:
Okay. Again. I think in the early stages of relationship, when we do have starry eyed, rose coloured glasses on about our partner, and we think that everything they do is just completely wonderful. The reality is that as we settle in, and maybe we're not on our absolute best behaviour anymore. After that initial honeymoon period, your partner will reveal themselves as a flawed, messy human with imperfections. And that's just something that you have to deal with, right, to learn to accept. Now of course, that doesn't mean learning to accept really bad behaviour or things that are causing harm, but imperfections and not being exactly as you would like them to be all the time or being different to you finding them annoying at times. That's just reality.
[00:11:18]:
There are very few, if any, people that you're going to love every single thing about. And I think again, where we get into strife here is letting our anxiety get in our ear and say, oh, maybe you should go find someone else, or I'm meant to love everything about them, so if I don't, maybe that means this person isn't the person for me. Whereas the reality is that any person you find will have things you love about them and things that you do find a bit irritating or you don't particularly love. So that's normal. I think focusing on the things you do love and learning to live with the things that you maybe don't will free up so much energy within you. Because again, I think it's the resistance and the judgement and the making things wrong that just costs us so much and really takes us into that negative bias, that tendency to focus on imperfection that leaves us feeling inadequate and leaves our partner feeling inadequate as well. So the next one that I want to share with you is experiencing attraction to other people. Now, I know this is quite a delicate one, and people who struggle with jealousy and insecurity, particularly people with anxious attachment, might find this really hard to hear, but I actually think in some respects it's quite liberating to understand that it is normal and expected that you and your partner, at varying times, would experience attraction to other people.
[00:12:50]:
Being in a relationship, committing to one person does not mean that your brain switches off its ability to find people attractive. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but that is just totally normal, right? So I think rather than expecting that you are never going to find people attractive or your partner is never going to find people attractive, the intention is to focus on building trust and having a really clear set of boundaries and integrity in your relationship and building those foundations. Because ultimately it's what you do with that attraction rather than the fact of noticing someone who you find attractive or feeling something towards someone I think normalising. It can not only reduce the guilt if it's you that's feeling that reduce the anxiety about the possibility of your partner feeling that it's really just like a fact of life, of course. So, as I said, focus on cultivating trust and respect for each other and clarity around the boundaries of your relationship and then release the grip around the vigilance. If you're someone who really does struggle with jealousy and you tend to focus on every person who is in your partner's orbit to make sure that there's no one that they find attractive, and taking it upon yourself to police that that is a really taxing job. And I would really encourage you to, as much as possible, release the grip there, because it's tiring and it's actually not it's never going to be the thing that stops your partner from feeling attracted to someone. So just learn to if you can instead shift your goal from trying to control your partner to learning to trust them and that will make for a much more peaceful and spacious relationship, I can assure you.
[00:14:40]:
The next one that I want to share is feeling a sense of grief or longing for either periods of your life in the past or what could have been had you not entered into the relationship that you're in. So the doors that you closed in order to go through the door that you opened to be in this relationship I think this is a tough one because again, when we can feel those longings or those little pangs of what if or what would my life have been like if I'd done X instead of Y? I think that's a very natural musing to find ourselves in and it can kind of throw us off again if we have this expectation that I shouldn't be thinking that or I shouldn't be feeling that. The fact that I feel a sense of grief about what could have been or another version of my life that I didn't choose that means that I've chosen the wrong thing or that I'm unhappy here or that there's something wrong about my present life. I think it's those value judgments that really lead us into doubt and confusion rather than the actual primary experience of having those thoughts or feelings. So I think that normalising, having some of those thoughts around grieving what could have been or what might have been. It's that grass is always greener thing, right? We're always going to have that sense of what if. And I think the more that we can kind of let those feelings come and go and maybe there is some grieving to be done there but not dwelling on it to the point where we use that as fuel to make our current choices wrong or to somehow undermine the value of what we did choose. I think again that comes from this rigidity where we always want something to be right and something to be wrong.
[00:16:45]:
And so to the extent that we feel some sort of positive feeling towards something else, it goes back to the attraction or to anything else, right? If I feel that then it means I must feel this about my relationship rather than finding ways to feel all of it. I can feel so much gratitude for my life and still wonder what might have happened if I'd not ended up with my partner and done something else, right? That's all. Okay, there's space for all of that and it doesn't have to make something wrong to have those thoughts or those feelings. So just creating a bit of space for that and not layering on grief or judgement or doubt or self criticism or any of those meta emotions onto the primary experience. Because again, it's that resistance that tends to amplify and exacerbate whatever we're feeling and lead to all of those stories that then have us doubting our relationship or the value that's there. And the last one that I want to normalise is normalise needing help in your relationship. So again, I think that unfortunately there's still a level of stigma around this. So many people there's a statistic and I'm probably going to butcher it because I'm doing it off the top of my head, but it's from the Gottman's and I think it's something like on average couples wait seven years of being unhappy and dissatisfied before seeking out couples therapy.
[00:18:12]:
That really speaks to the stigma around needing help. I think that so many of us have this really misplaced idea that relationships should be easy, we should be able to figure it out on our own and if we can't, then we should break up. But when we're really deep in those cycles, sometimes we need a circuit break. We can't just keep doing the same thing over and over again and wondering why we're still stuck. It's like it starts to just become a bit irrational for us to be doing that. And so I think normalising that sometimes there will be things in your relationship, challenges, struggles, patterns that might be bigger than your ability to solve it on your own. Or you might be so entrenched in the dynamic that you need something outside of the two of you to help you see another way or teach you another way. So trying to remove some of that shame around needing help, around needing to go to therapy or doing a course together or reading books or whatever, but just recognising, like, I don't know what to do.
[00:19:18]:
I love you and feels like we're stuck. And I don't know what to do. And I don't want to walk away, but I think that we need some help here. There is no shame in that at all. I think it's an incredibly courageous thing to do and it's something that we do in so many other areas of life. But as I said, we have some misplaced idea that we're meant to know how to build a functional relationship, even though most of us were never taught how to do that. So cutting yourself some slack and trying to remove some of that shame or whatever other feelings or beliefs that you might have around what it means to need help in your relationship, it doesn't have to mean you're in total crisis. It could just feel like there's a particular issue where you could use some outside support.
[00:20:04]:
All of those things are really healthy. And I think, if anything, point to the security of the relationship rather than the insecurity of the relationship. Because oftentimes it's that spirit of teamwork and collaboration that will allow you to seek out and get the support that you need, and that really speaks to how committed you both are to the relationship. So definitely no shame around seeking support. And if anything, I think we should normalise that so that more people feel like they can do it and more proactively, rather than waiting until things feel really, really dire. Okay, so that was five things to normalise in long term relationships. I hope that that has given you some food for thought and perhaps given you some comfort. If you are in a long term relationship and you notice any of those rigid perfectionistic expectations sneaking in there and leaving you feeling like there's something wrong, like your relationship is not good enough, like you're incompatible or any of those other value judgments that we can end up placing on ourselves stemming from this unrealistically high bar that we set on our relationships, on ourselves and on our partners.
[00:21:15]:
And just recognising that, as I so often say, relationships are messy and that's okay. It's about who do we want to navigate that mess with, rather than trying to find or build a perfect relationship that is free from struggle and free from challenge. So I really hope that has been helpful. As I said, do sign up for the Secure together. Waitlist. If today's episode resonated with you and you would like some support, I really, really encourage you to do so. It's going to be a great programme and I look forward to seeing lots of you in there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I'll see you again next week.
[00:21:51]:
Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg Or at stephanierigg.com, and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
5 Things Secure Couples Do Well
In today's episode, we're talking about 5 things that secure couples do really well to build safety, intimacy and connection in their relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking about 5 things that secure couples do really well to build safety, intimacy and connection in their relationships.
In a world where we often focus on the missteps and challenges in our relationships, it can be refreshing to shift our attention to the positive examples set by secure couples. We often lack positive role models in our lives when it comes to healthy relationships, leading to the need to look to aspirational examples. In this episode, we explore five things secure couples do well, shedding light on what we can aspire to in our relationships and how we can cultivate awareness around our own patterns.
Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution
One key aspect that secure couples excel at is effective communication and conflict resolution. They possess the discernment to address issues in their relationship without letting them fester or escalate. Secure couples are adept at identifying when something requires attention and expressing it in a non-inflammatory manner. This proactive approach allows them to nip potential conflicts in the bud, fostering a healthy and respectful environment in their relationship. Moreover, secure couples understand the significance of knowing when to let things go, showcasing their ability to maintain a balanced perspective in addressing issues.
Maintaining Perspective
Another hallmark of secure couples is their ability to keep things in perspective. While insecure individuals may globalize minor issues, leading to doubts about the entire relationship, secure couples can compartmentalize disagreements and maintain their faith in the strength and value of their relationship. This capacity to hold simultaneously frustration and love for their partner contributes to their relationship's stability and emotional well-being.
Prioritising Connection, Play, and Intimacy
Contrary to common misconceptions, secure couples do not constantly scrutinize and analyze their relationship. Instead, they prioritize connection, play, and intimacy, freeing themselves from the burden of relationship-related stress and insecurity. By carving out time for joyful experiences and deepening their emotional bond, secure couples create rituals and activities that cultivate a sense of ease and safety within the relationship.
Validation and Humility
Secure couples prioritize validating each other's experiences over the need to be right. By acknowledging and accepting each other's perspectives, they nurture an environment of respect and understanding. This humility fosters meaningful interactions and minimizes the potential for disconnection caused by the need to assert one's views over the other's. This commitment to validation and humility creates a culture of openness and vulnerability that enhances the quality of their relationship.
Balancing Togetherness and Separateness
Finding the equilibrium between togetherness and separateness is a skill that secure couples excel at. Rather than solely relying on their partner for all aspects of their emotional and social lives, they maintain individual identities. This balance allows them to access support from a diverse network and cultivates a sense of empowerment and agency in their lives, reducing feelings of abandonment, helplessness, and powerlessness.
Meaningful Repair
When conflicts inevitably arise, secure couples engage in meaningful repair, taking responsibility for their actions and addressing the issue in a considerate and sincere manner. By offering genuine apologies and expressing an understanding of their partner's feelings, they create an atmosphere of acceptance and accountability, fostering deep connection and respect in the relationship.
Conclusion
Secure couples exhibit a set of habits that lay the foundation for healthy and thriving relationships. By adopting the practices of effective communication, maintaining perspective, prioritizing connection and intimacy, validating each other, balancing togetherness and separateness, and engaging in meaningful repair, individuals can cultivate and enhance the health of their relationships.
In a world filled with relationship challenges, exploring the habits of secure couples offers valuable insights and actionable steps towards fostering healthy and stable relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you struggle with knowing when to raise issues in your relationship and when to let things go? How do you navigate this balance in your own experiences?
How do you prioritize connection, play, and intimacy in your relationships? Are there specific activities or rituals that you and your partner engage in to cultivate joy and connection?
Reflect on a recent disagreement or conflict in your relationship. How did you and your partner handle the validation of each other's experiences during this time? What could have been done differently to facilitate meaningful repair?
Do you find it challenging to balance togetherness and separateness in your relationship? How do you carve out space for your individuality while still fostering a close connection with your partner?
Think about a recent instance in your relationship where meaningful repair was needed. How did you and your partner take responsibility and engage in a process of healing after a disagreement or disconnect?
Consider the concept of validation and the willingness to let go of the need to be right in your relationships. How does this approach contribute to the sense of safety and trust within your relationship? Can you recall a specific time where this approach made a difference in resolving conflict?
Reflect on your current understanding of secure attachment and how it influences the way you relate to your partner. How do the characteristics of secure couples discussed in this episode align with or differ from your own relationship dynamics?
How do you and your partner keep things in perspective during challenging times in your relationship? Have there been moments where maintaining perspective has been particularly beneficial to your connection with each other?
Consider your own experiences with engaging in meaningful repair after a disagreement or disconnect in your relationship. What have you found to be effective in fostering a sense of understanding, resolution, and closeness?
Examine the role of humility in your relationships. How does the willingness to take responsibility and apologize facilitate greater connection and understanding with your partner? Can you recall a time where demonstrating humility positively impacted your relationship dynamic?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Get my FREE masterclass, Where Anxious Avoidant Couples Go Wrong
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about five things secure couples do well. So oftentimes, we're looking at the ways in which we might be operating in our relationships that are getting in the way of what we want, the places where we're going wrong, the missteps. And so I think that it's really useful and important to flip the script every so often and instead focus on what the goal is or where we should be aiming in our relationships by looking to positive examples of what secure couples do, what the norms are in those types of relationships.
[00:01:11]:
Because I think for so many of us, we don't have a lot of examples of that. I often ask people to reflect on whether they actually have positive role models in their lives around relationships, whether they had that growing up. And I think, unfortunately for a lot of us, when we turn our minds to it, we don't really have lots of examples of like, yeah, those are people with a great relationship, really healthy, respectful, fun, connected over the long haul. So I think that when we are doing this work of trying to repattern reprogram and understand where and why we might be stuck, looking to these aspirational examples can be really inspiring and can help us know what we're looking for and can probably also illuminate where we might be missing the mark a little in our own relationships and thereby cultivating more awareness around our own patterns and our own stuckness, if that's what we're experiencing. So, as I always say, it's really important to know at the outset that secure couples are not perfect. It's not like they've reached relationship nirvana and they never fight and they're totally on cloud nine honeymooning all the time. That's not at all what we're talking about. It's not realistic, and I'd say it's probably not even all that aspirational, but they're really good at navigating life as a team and loving each other through the hard times and really celebrating the good times.
[00:02:40]:
So we're going to be diving into five different things that secure couples tend to be really good at again, so that you can know what you're aiming for and maybe take steps in that direction in your own relationship. So before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. You will have heard me in the past few weeks talking about my new course, Secure Together, which I'm creating with my partner Joel, who joined me for last week's episode. If you haven't listened to that, definitely do. I've received so many beautiful comments about that. People who really valued having him along as someone who leans more avoidant to speak to that experience. And I do think that that's so valuable. It's really the whole reason why I've got him joining me in this new course, because I think it's much more much more insightful to hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than having me or anyone else talk about it as an observer or a bystander to that experience.
[00:03:36]:
Anyway, so we are launching a new course. It's called secure together. It's coming out in less than two weeks. There's already lots of you on the waitlist, which is wonderful to see. And if you are interested in joining the Waitlist for that, that will guarantee you exclusive, very discounted launch pricing, as well as first access. So you can join the Waitlist via my website, all of which is linked in the Show notes. Second quick announcement is that I have a Free Master class as part of celebrating the launch of this new programme. It's a free masterclass called where anxious avoidant couples go wrong and how to fix it.
[00:04:11]:
I announced this on Instagram about a week ago and I've had, I think, 750 or so people jump onto it and sign up. It's pre recorded, so you get instant access. All you have to do is pop in your name and email address and you'll be sent a link. It's about 45 minutes and again, has been getting really beautiful feedback from those who've already downloaded that. So if you would like a Free Master class from me, again, that is linked in the Show Notes, or you can go to my Instagram and send me a DM with the word Masterclass, nothing else. And a little automation will get your details and send you the link as well. Okay, so with that out of the way, let's dive into this conversation around five things that secure couples do well. So I should say, as always, this is not an exhaustive list.
[00:05:00]:
These are not the only five things secure couples do well. These are just five that came to mind when I was reflecting on this. And I think it's particularly helpful because they are not only things secure couples do well, but maybe things that couples with insecure attachment patterns struggle with, or doesn't come naturally to couples and individuals with more insecure attachment patterns. So the first one is they know when and how to raise issues and when to let things go. And that second half, the when to let things go is, I would say, as important as the first half, which is they know how and when to raise issues. So let's break this down. We know that secure attachment, one of the hallmarks of secure attachment and secure functioning relationships, is really good, effective proactive communication. So not letting things fester, not sweeping things under the rug, becoming resentful and kind of sitting on things for a long time and letting them build up.
[00:05:57]:
Secure, functioning couples tend to be pretty good at calling something out, at naming something that feels off in the relationship and doing so in a way that's not inflammatory or accusatory, but really just puts it on the table and goes, hey, I'm noticing this, it doesn't feel good, can we talk about it? And that tends to be well received. They come to the table, they're able to share what might be going on and come up with a solution or otherwise have some sort of approach to that issue that nips it in the bud, that doesn't let it, as I said, grow and fester into something that is more damaging to the fabric of the relationship. So secure, functioning couples are really good at this, at knowing when something feels important enough, having that discernment to know, yeah, this feels like something that needs to be addressed and I'm going to raise that. The other side of the coin of that discernment, as I said, is knowing when to let things go. And I think that arguably, while insecure couples are not great at raising things proactively, they may be even worse at knowing when to let things go. And this is me looking at you anxious folks again, of course, as always, something I can relate to. But knowing when to let things go can be really, really hard when you have a lot of fear baked into your way of relating and your attachment patterns. Because it can almost feel like if I let this go, then it's going to keep happening and you're going to do it again, and then I'm going to be trapped.
[00:07:25]:
And then ten years from now, we're going to be an unhappy couple and you're going to be doing something that's ten times worse than this. It's going to be this slippery slope we can get very catastrophic. And so there can be this sense of, I need to raise every single issue, almost a vigilance. Like, I can't let anything go because I need to make sure that you understand that every single thing that has hurt me has hurt me. And I don't want you to feel like that isn't a big deal because it is a big deal to me. And of course, while it is important if something's really upsetting you to raise it, I think there's also something to be said for checking in with ourselves and going, am I having a big emotional reaction to something that's maybe not quite matching what's actually going on here? Is that mind to sit with first and maybe on the other side of me sitting with that and carefully handling it, processing it, understanding it a little better, maybe I'll come to the realisation that I was about to. Spew all of this stuff onto you that wasn't really about you or that wasn't really appropriate as a response to what was happening right here, right now. So having that ability to actually zoom out and go, okay, is this worth it? Is this something that I need to sit my partner down and have a serious conversation about or otherwise bring their attention to? Or could I maybe just give them the benefit of the doubt, let something slide and trust that there wasn't any ill intent there and maybe it doesn't need to become this whole big, serious issue.
[00:09:03]:
As I said, I think that people, particularly with more anxious patterns, can really struggle to do that because it can seem like if I let you get away with this, then what else are you going to do? Or feeling like everything is going to become kind of eternal and universal and just bigger because that's the way our kind of fear driven, anxiety driven, catastrophizing brain can work. So knowing when to raise something and when to let something slide is a really, really good relationship skill and something that secure couples do pretty well. Related to that, they also keep things in perspective. I think that's an important kind of footnote to that first point. Again, insecure couples tend to globalise things. So it's like, oh, we're having this one little fight about that one comment you made in the car and all of a sudden I'm rethinking our entire relationship. It's making me doubt everything. It's making me wonder whether we can even do this anymore because it just feels so hard all the time, right? It just can blow up and become very all consuming and take up your whole field of vision.
[00:10:04]:
Whereas I think secure couples are much better at keeping things in perspective. Like, oh yeah, we're having a bit of a TIFF in this moment. We're having some sort of rupture, but I can still feel connected to my love for you and my knowledge that this relationship is solid and good and that there is so much value here. I can hold both of those things at the same time. I can be frustrated with you and still have a lot of faith in our relationship. So that ability to keep things in perspective is really good as well. Okay, the next one is that they prioritise connection play and intimacy. So I think that there might be a bit of a misconception among more insecure people and again, probably more anxious leaning people, that secure couples are talking about their relationship all the time and that's just not true.
[00:10:54]:
I think that the beauty of a secure relationship is that you don't have to talk about your relationship all the time because it doesn't feel like the relationship needs constant scrutinising and fine tuning and examining and probing. It's just like, okay, we can talk about things, but that's only one tiny sliver. And really there's this whole other field of our relationship that is available for us to explore and to be playful and silly and to joke, to be intimate with each other, whether that's sexually or otherwise. But so much energy is freed up to connect and to experience joy together when you're not always bogged down by the stress of insecurity. So that's one of the really beautiful I suppose it's almost like a natural side effect of removing some of that insecurity from the relationship and building more trust and stability is that you aren't devoting so much time and energy to worrying about the relationship and then talking about the worrying about the relationship. So being able to just free up some bandwidth to really connect with each other. And I think secure couples do that naturally but are also good at prioritising it and making space and time for it to the extent that life can get busy. So I think secure couples really value that and are good at carving out the time and space and often having rituals around it.
[00:12:22]:
So it might be that you do some sort of activity together every Saturday morning or you play tennis on a Tuesday night or whatever it might be. You like to play cards together while dinner is cooking. Lots of different ways that you can just be enjoying each other rather than just feeling like you're bogged down in the trenches of relationship stress and drama all the time. And I think that play and that lightness is a beautiful way to really co regulate, to be in a really easeful, safe, embodied space in the relationship which works wonders so far beyond what our rational thinking brain can compute. But that experience of really embodied safety with someone that is available through play and that really we're not able to access that play and that joy and that easefulness unless we're in that embodied state of safety. Okay, the next one is they validate each other's experience rather than needing to be right. Now this is such a big one and I've spoken about it on the podcast before in various other contexts. But again, when we're in that insecure mindset it feels like it has to be my way or your way that I so fiercely feel this urge to protect the rightness of my perspective, my perception, my feelings, all of that because I feel like we are in competition or opposition with each other.
[00:13:53]:
Then I feel like for me to be right, which I so desperately want to be, I have to make you wrong. And so to the extent that you're sharing something that is at ODS with what I'm seeing or thinking or feeling, I have to convince you as to why my way is actually the truth and yours is wrong or a misperception or a misunderstanding. And what that does instantly is invalidate the other person right. It just makes them feel totally unseen, unheard and unloved a lot of the time. And I think as much as we defend that when we're the ones doing it, when we're on the receiving end of it, we know that that doesn't feel very good, right? So this is really one that secure couples do very well, is dropping that need to be right, which I think, again, comes somewhat organically, from not feeling like you're in combat, from not feeling like you have to defend to the death the rightness of your position. So I think that the more you do this, the easier it gets, because you totally change the culture and the energy of the dynamic. So being able to say that wasn't my intention at all. But I can see that I've really upset you or that you're feeling really judged or criticised.
[00:15:11]:
And I'm so sorry for that. Please tell me what I can do differently or help me to understand where I went wrong there, or how I could have communicated myself differently. So having the humility and I think humility is at the heart of this, having the humility to recognise that we might have gotten it wrong or that our intention might not have been received in the way that we wanted it to, that we might have inadvertently caused someone to feel hurt or judged or criticised or attacked, even when we might have been trying to do the opposite of that. So having that courage and that humility to say I'm sorry and I totally get it, if I were in your position, I would probably be feeling the same way and I don't want you to feel that way. So how can I do better or do things differently? That's so disarming and it's just so connective because there's nothing to defend against anymore, right? When someone says that kind of thing to you, it's like, oh, I can lay down my guard, I can lay down my sword, because there's really nothing to fight with there. So it does take a bit of bravery to lead with that kind of open heartedness, particularly in times of conflict or disagreement, when we are so geared towards self protection. But it is really, really powerful and I think it's something that secure couples do pretty well. Okay, the next one is secure Couples balance togetherness and separateness.
[00:16:40]:
So a few weeks back I did an episode on healthy interdependency as distinct from codependency and hyper independence. And this is in a similar vein. So secure couples have a really lovely balance between time spent together. Joint experiences, joint vision, joint goals and separateness. So they have separate people in their lives, separate friendships, separate hobbies. They spend time apart. They're not totally enmeshed into this one unit. They have a distinct sense of self.
[00:17:12]:
They have separate support networks, so they're not each other's only support when things get hard. So being able to balance those two things provides for a lot of safety, because when we have too much togetherness, we tend to lose our sense of self and it can make us feel overly dependent on the relationship as our only source of everything, right? Of our only source of connection, as our only source of support as our only source of joy and play and humour and all of those things. And that's actually a lot of pressure. If you're more anxious, you might be like, yeah, that sounds perfect, but I promise you that that's a lot of pressure. And when you're putting all of that pressure on one person in one relationship, then it's going to be really easy to judge the ways in which it might fall short or be imperfect. Whereas when you have a whole spectrum of people and places and things that you go to to get your needs met, then all of a sudden we can kind of let go of the grip of needing our partner. To be a certain way and to show up 100% of the time in the way that we would want them to because we feel less dependent on them in this needy, survival driven way. So I think being able to balance that really helps with things like feeling abandoned, feeling helpless, feeling powerless.
[00:18:34]:
We feel much more empowered and we feel like we have a much greater sense of agency over our life, over our well being, over our joy, over our thriving, when we have this really lovely balance of togetherness and separateness. Okay, last but not least, when things do go awry, secure functioning couples engage in meaningful repair. So, as I've said many times before, it's not that secure couples don't fight. It's not that they don't have bad days, it's not that they don't say things that they shouldn't have said or that they'd like to take back. It's not reaching this place of perfection where we're all monks on a mountain in total Zen like state. Life is stressful and things can get hard and there will be seasons of disconnection in any long term relationship and that's totally normal. But as I said at the start, secure functioning couples are good at calling things out. And if there is some sort of rupture or someone gets snappy and makes a snide remark or anything like that, there's this culture of taking responsibility and really repairing meaningfully, right? That doesn't mean having to have a four hour conversation about it, because I think that's actually those sorts of really long, draining conversations tend to be more of a hallmark of insecure relationships than secure ones.
[00:19:56]:
But there is this sense of ownership going, I'm really sorry about this morning. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I was feeling really stressed about this thing and I took it out on you and that was unfair of me and I'm really sorry. I'm going to try not to do that again. That can be a really beautiful, concise way of just taking the sting out. And oftentimes that's all it takes to restore this sense of connection and respect and love and care. So having things like that where it's like, okay, when something does go wrong, when we do feel like there's a rupture or a disconnection. We really have a culture of taking responsibility, ownership and apologising in a meaningful way that allows both people to feel like the issue has been addressed.
[00:20:45]:
There's an understanding of why we went wrong and there's some sense of a plan around making sure that doesn't happen again, or putting in the effort to be aware of that going forward so that it's less likely to happen again. So that's a really important one. And it links in with all these other ones, right? It links in with validation. It's this sense of like, I see you, I see the impact that my behaviour had on you and that's not what I want for us. So here is my awareness and my love for you. And that, as I said, is so disarming and it just kind of, like, melts away our defences in a really beautiful way. Okay, so those were five things that secure couples do well. I hope that you enjoyed that episode.
[00:21:31]:
I hope it's given you something to think about. And as I said, if you are interested in going deeper into all things secure, relating the new course secure Together is going to be a really beautiful, deep dive into all of this stuff. And it's not just going to be theory, it's going to be a lot of practical things walking you through how to implement this with a lot of exercises that Joel and I will be demoing. So we'll be the guinea pigs for you. And it's going to be designed to be really approachable and unintimidating for everyone, even those with more avoidant patterns who might be a little overwhelmed or reluctant to do this kind of thing. Our intention is to make it really light and playful and, as I said, unintimidating for everyone involved. So if that's interesting to you, jump on the waitlist less than two weeks until the course goes live. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:22:28]:
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Q&A (feat. my partner Joel)
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're answering your questions about how we've navigated aspects of the anxious-avoidant dynamic in our relationship.
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel and we're answering your questions about how we've navigated aspects of the anxious-avoidant dynamic in our relationship.
We'll cover:
Doing "the work" individually and as a couple
How we've built trust and safety over time
How we manage conflict and have hard conversations
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by my partner Joel, and we are answering your questions about our relationship. We actually did one of these episodes a little over a year ago, and it's funny to reflect back on that. It's probably not discernible from your perspective as a listener, but certainly for me, and I assume for you as well, Joel. It feels like a long time ago.
[00:00:56]:
And when I think back to our relationship then and our relationship now and everything that we've been through, it feels like it's high time that we do a refresher on this episode and answering questions about how we navigate things, how we have navigated things, our approach to relationships. And hopefully that will give you a bit of insight and maybe some cause for optimism. If you are in an anxious, avoidant kind of dynamic yourself and you're feeling really stuck and overwhelmed and exasperated, as can often be the case, knowing that there are ways to do this that don't have to feel so kind of frustrating and like a dead end or feeling like you're really powerless against this dynamic, that can get quite overwhelming. So this episode is not to put ourselves on a pedestal or to suggest that our relationship is perfect. It absolutely is not. We go through all of the regular, boring, mundane couple stuff that most everyone else does, but really just to, as I said, give some insight and vulnerability into the ways we have waded through the mess of all of that and found our way to a foundation that's pretty solid. And when we do fight, as we do, when we do have challenging things arise individually or relationally, we have found a way to navigate that stuff with kind of a bedrock of love and respect and care. And I really think that makes a world of difference.
[00:02:29]:
So we're going to be answering some questions today that were submitted on Instagram covering how we approach the work, quote-unquote, in our relationship, how we've created safety, how we navigate things like differing needs, and lots of stuff in that category. So hopefully it will be helpful for many of you. Before we dive into all of that, I just wanted to remind you that the new course that we are creating, Secure Together, is coming out in a couple of weeks time, which is very exciting. There are already about 250 of you on the Waitlist, which is just awesome. And if you would like to join the Waitlist for that, the link is in the show notes or via my website. You should be able to find that quite easily. Secure Together is going to be a course primarily designed for couples, but also one that you could certainly do individually while in a relationship and is really designed to be a deep dive on all of this stuff. On navigating these anxious avoidant dynamics and really understanding how we can shift those patterns in a meaningful way, how we can create safety and how we can really start to do things differently.
[00:03:41]:
And obviously, the really interesting and novel thing about this course, compared to any of my others that you might have done, is that Joel is going to be joining me and providing the more avoidant perspective, which I think is far more powerful and interesting than just having me speak to a perspective that I don't know firsthand. I only know as an observer. And so my hope in having Joel along for parts of that course, to speak firsthand to that perspective, is that it will not only provide a much richer insight into what that can look and feel like, but if you are going through the course as someone who is more avoidant or if you're listening to this and you're more anxious and you're going through that with your partner, that that'll feel really hopefully disarming. And it won't feel like an avoidant person being lectured to by an anxious person, which I think can be part of the dynamics that can exist in this space a lot. So I'm very excited about that course, as I said, launching in a couple of weeks time. And if you would like to join the waitlist, do jump on that list in the show note and that will get you first access and exclusive discounts. Okay, with that out of the way, we're going to jump into these questions now. So the first few questions are around the work in relationships.
[00:04:56]:
We got quite a few of these. We've clumped them together. But the first question is, did Joel do the work too, or just you, as in me? If he did, what led him to it? And what has Joel been doing as someone who leans more avoidant to be where he is now? Okay, I think I can take this one. Did Joel do the work? Yes, I have done the work, and I'll kind of describe what I thought the work was previous to this relationship. I have definitely probably been involved and interested in personal development since my early twenty s, and a lot of it has been very self serving. I think that I never really considered the relationship as its own work, so I was definitely doing the work, but I wasn't doing the work of or inside a relationship when Steph and I got together. Even beforehand, we had talked a lot about certain philosophies and our ideas of our own development, but it probably wasn't until I was in a very serious and loving relationship that I was like, oh, okay, I need to tend to this garden as its own thing. No matter how much personal self development work that I do, it's not going to contribute to anything unless I take it holistically as a part of this relationship.
[00:06:31]:
And I think it's so important when we're talking about this to say, like, it's not a past tense thing if I have done the work and now I have arrived at a place where I no longer have to do the work and everything's, happy days, right? I think that makes it sound too neat. And really, it's an ongoing, everyday, moment to moment conversation to conversation practise, of slowing down, of checking yourself, of going, okay, what stories am I making up about who my partner is or what their agenda is in this? Moment or the ways in which they might be trying to undermine me or hurt me or all of those things that we know in the vast majority of cases are coming from a wounded place. And it is it's so ongoing. It's tending to the garden every day. It's not just, oh, I do this for a period of three months and now I'm healed. That is sadly just it's so much messier and more ongoing than that. And I think the other thing I would say is when we speak about it in retrospect, that probably makes it sound quite like there weren't that many bumps in the road. The start of our relationship was pretty bumpy.
[00:07:39]:
Oh, yeah. It's not like we were having horrible fights all the time, but I would say there was a fair amount of insecurity there on both sides, because I think we had we'd been friends before we started dating, and then when we crossed that line into being together romantically, I think we had really idealistic conceptions of how seamless that transition would be and what it would be like, and oh, we're going to be in this amazing, perfect relationship because we have the same values around these things and we want similar things from a relationship. And I think when we found ourselves in it, all of the stuff comes on. The wheels can come off pretty quickly. Yeah, I think we're both we have very strong values and we can be a bit have our ideals of what a relationship can and should be. And I'd say the first few months, because we went from a friendship into quite an intense romantic relationship, we moved in together very, very quickly. So it was like we were right into the pressure cooker. Yeah.
[00:08:54]:
We did everything they say you should not recommend. We tested ourselves and the wheels had come off a couple of times, but I think it was also like testing our standards, testing our values. It's like you say these things are important to you, then we're going to test you out how important they are. I mean, in saying that, yeah, we don't want to gloss over, we don't want to retrospectively seem like it was easy sailing, because it wasn't. We learned more and more over time that we could come back to connection and we could find it in ourselves to just come back to the love and create, over time, a safe and secure relationship in which I could start letting down defences. And I'm still working through that. I'm not speaking as a person, a healed person, because it's ongoing work for me. Yeah.
[00:09:56]:
And I think for you, more so than me, this was certainly your most serious relationship that you'd been in. Correct? And so it was big and it activated all of the things you would expect it to activate in someone with more avoidant patterns, let's put it that way. And so you definitely had the impulse to just kind of shut down and withdraw and run and all of those things that we know are kind of go to coping strategies for people with more avoidant patterns. It's like, oh, this is too much. What have I gotten myself into? Get me out of here. And that evoked all of the responses that you would expect it to evoke in someone such as myself, who has more anxious patterns of like, oh no, what's happened? What's changed? And how do I fix it? How do I kind of take responsibility and find a way to solve this? So I do just want to emphasise that we've been through all of that and it was only from both of us being committed enough to stay in it in those more challenging seasons and, as you say, keep coming back to our love for each other, which sometimes was easier than others. But that was, I think, really what got us through those earlier periods and some challenging periods since. The other thing that I'll say about, two things that I'll say about the work in terms of the actual how or what does that looks like for us, we have mostly solo or like DIY the work.
[00:11:30]:
We haven't worked with a couple's coach or counsellor or anything, although I think that would still definitely be something that would be useful to us and we may well explore in our commitment to going deeper and continuing to nurture the relationship. But something that we have found helpful along the way is having structures around the work. So we have I've spoken about this before on the podcast, but we have a regular cheque in most of the time it's weekly. We've been a little slack recently, but a weekly cheque in where we sit down and we just talk about how we're feeling, anything that is on our mind around the relationship, having that kind of structure has been helpful. We also like to listen to books about relationships or podcasts together and I found that to be really helpful, I think, because due to the nature of my work, it's not always well received when the insight, so to speak, is coming from me. I think that has been challenging for you at times to feel like I am teaching you or lecturing you about a relationship dynamics because it's just too close. So I think sometimes having and I think this is good advice for most people I know a lot of you listen to this podcast with your partner. For that reason, having it come from someone else can take the sting out a little and can create one step remove from any dynamics of one person kind of lecturing the other.
[00:12:55]:
And I think that's certainly been helpful in our relationship. Whether it's like doing an online course together and working through that or having some kind of third party, symbolic or real, to be the voice of some of this work can certainly been helpful. The last question on the work is do you think without Joel's willingness, your own inner work would have been enough? Frankly, no. And maybe more than the fact that it wouldn't have been enough. That just would have been for me like a real point of misalignment from a values point of view, having a partner who is committed to doing the work and that doesn't have to look exactly the same as me, but who has a level of openness to examine these things, to talk about them, to really be proactive, about nurturing the relationship. That's kind of a non negotiable for me. So it's not even so much like could I have done it by just like white knuckling it solo? I wouldn't have wanted to. And so it's just not really something that I would have sought to do alone.
[00:14:02]:
And that's just for me, that I know that having a partner who I can do that with is a non negotiable for me. Okay, the next question what helped Joel to feel safe, to open up and let me in? I'd love to say it was clean and easy and it happened within a couple of months of being in a relationship, but I think it's still something that we work on. And I think more than anything, as an avoidant, there has to be a responsibility taken from our side for our reactivity. And we find it really hard to respond when we're in a heightened state. Whether our nervous system is in a heightened state and we want to flee, it's our responsibility to also regulate ourselves to come back to connection. What Steph has done has really met me with a lot of patience and that's not know that she's just kind of taken all my nonsense. But I think more than anything, just giving me indications that no matter the reasons why I choose to be avoidant and the things that I'm trying to hide, which is I feel the non desirable parts of myself over time, you've allowed me to really express them and explore them. And you've expressed that it's okay, everything is okay.
[00:15:36]:
I know as avoidance, we have a lot of fear around failure and be seen as a failure. And we often the shame runs pretty deep. The shame runs pretty deep. Yeah. And allowing a space in which that shame can at least have some light shed on it and just expressed openly and honestly that it may not be as bad as you've made it out to be. Yeah. I think that a lot of us, whether avoidant or not, can have things about us that we are so convinced no one could ever see that and still love us. Right.
[00:16:15]:
It's no way. And for people with more avoidant patterns, it's like and so I bury that and I do not let anyone see it. And that's not something you can force open. Right. And you wouldn't want to, because that protective shields in place for a reason. And so it really does happen organically. It's kind of like peeling layers of an onion and certain topics that are more sensitive. Things like sex and money and all of those hot button issues that can carry a lot of shame.
[00:16:44]:
Those are things that we've really like. They've been layers we've gotten to incrementally. That was not stuff that straight out the gate. We were talking about comfortably and easefully. You really had a lot of struggle initially opening up, particularly about some of those more sensitive things. Yeah, we lock it down. I've done ifs therapy in the past and I guess I'd use that framework. We're using parts to control other parts, so we sometimes ourselves don't even realise the depth of how solid a defence is.
[00:17:20]:
So this is not going to be solved overnight. I wouldn't advise people to try pride open in their partner. I think it requires it requires a lot of love, requires a lot of safety, trust and but I think, you know, that might feel like a big abstract answer that's like, okay, well, what do I do today? And I think it's I don't know. You can probably speak to this more personally than I can Jolie, but I think you've trusted me with those parts of you because I didn't force you to. And I kind of was firm enough to say, it's important to me that we can talk about these things without looming over you and saying, like, tell me what you're feeling right now. Yeah, correct. I have never felt forced or when it has been. It's just my kind of like, natural defence to feel like I'm being controlled.
[00:18:15]:
But if I really did have a sense of someone is trying to pry me open, there'd be two results. I'd either lie, I'd be dishonest, not dishonest in a way that I would intentionally lie in that moment, but I'd say whatever need to be said in the past to get out of that conversation if I'm feeling forced. Otherwise, I just feel like running. But, yes, it's a willingness to allow me autonomy to open up has been very important yeah. And I think on your side, enough commitment to the relationship to kind of know that you are going to have to face the discomfort of that sooner or later. Yes. Whereas I think in a less serious relationship, you or another person with avoidant patents might just go not worth the risk. Not worth the risk.
[00:19:04]:
Not worth the risk of opening no ROI. Yeah. When it's just like, the stakes are so high for your own sense of self and safety that I think there does have to be a real level of investment. And that's probably just true, because that's maybe what tips the scales in favour of willing to face that discomfort for the sake of the relationship. I had to have something to gain and to lose. Okay, next question. Were there times in your relationship that you felt you were incompatible? Yes. Joel answers this much more quickly and directly than I would, but go on.
[00:19:41]:
You speak first. It's hard to answer this question without being honest about probably the frame of mind that I was in during those times. I was looking for problems, I was looking for incompatibilities. And I think that comes from relationship anxiety rather than a rational kind of response to the situation at hand. But, yeah, I think I've done this so many times in my past where I would often look for incompatibilities and would have a negative bias. But also I just came back to reality for myself. I was like, don't be an idiot, just have a look at how much shared value that you have. Shared values.
[00:20:26]:
Sorry. So, yeah, there was definitely times where I thought we were incompatible, but honestly, I think it was coming out of my own fears rather than, yeah, I think that I would agree with that. And that's probably why I wouldn't answer the question in the same way, just because I think that coming from a different angle is, like, people with more avoidant patterns, people who struggle with relationship anxiety as distinct from anxious attachment, is like, you can absolutely look for imperfections and incompatibilities as an exit. And when things feel tough or overwhelming or maybe you're kind of on the brink of a new level of depth in the relationship or a new level of commitment, all of the anxieties can come up and be like, oh, wait, is this a good idea? And all of those parts of you that are like, oh, risky, are you sure you want to share this part of yourself? Are you sure you want to commit to this? And so looking for incompatibilities, looking for reasons why it's not, I think it can also tie in with not wanting to feel like a failure. So if things feel hard, then calling it an incompatibility and just being like, I was powerless, we were incompatible, nothing I could have done. And that kind of absolves us of feeling like a failure, because it's like, out of our hands. Right. It's bigger than us.
[00:21:44]:
And so I think all of that really makes sense in the context of someone with more avoidant patterns to lean on incompatibility as the reason, rather than, oh, I need to maybe show up more in a more committed way or really get honest with myself or look in the mirror, those sorts of things. It can feel really challenging and intimidating. So yeah, I think that that makes sense. I think for me, incompatibility less so I think that I certainly felt there were times where it was challenging and I didn't know if we were going to find our way through it, but less from an incompatibility point of view and more just are we going to be able to make this work? Yes. Just going back to those who have more avoidant patterns, we do tend to look for the perfect solution and that is like the perfect relationships and the perfect decision in work. We fear a future that we are out of control because we didn't make the right decision. And so that's where a lot of the incompatible fears come up. Sense of I'm going to make the wrong decision and then I'm going to be trapped and I'm going to fail and I'm trapped in a room, I'm powerless, and all of those things right.
[00:22:57]:
Which feel like these really big fears that are very real. Okay, we're going to talk about needs now. So how do we navigate different needs for explicit affection? How do we navigate different needs for explicit I don't know that we navigate it all that well. Right. We have different needs for affection. I definitely have more much higher baseline need for affection and just I am more affectionate, probably much more comfortably and naturally than you are. Yes. I think that you've definitely gotten more comfortable with that.
[00:23:31]:
Yes. But even still, we're definitely not at the same baseline. No, we're not at the same baseline. Which also doesn't mean it has to be again, going back to incompatibility, it doesn't have to be a red flag. It's, oh, no, we're not the same level of intimacy or same needs for affection. I have tried to uncover this a lot in my own work, like where this comes from, and I've kind of got to the point where I'm like, okay, I can't really work it out, I can't find an origin story for it, but I have to meet you somewhere. And I feel like I'm learning. I might be a slow mule, but I am definitely getting better with accepting affection.
[00:24:23]:
Yeah. And giving affection as well. I think that, again, it's finding that middle ground between forcing it, which we don't want to do, because forcing someone to do something that's uncomfortable and particularly something physical can just feel so overwhelming and will often, almost always probably evoke quite an automatic defensive protective response while also not swinging to the extreme of okay, well, I'll just pretend I have no need. So it's like, how can I advocate for myself without making you wrong? And that goes for most everything that we could talk about in relationships. How can we create space for both of us to thrive here and to be recognised and without either of us being wrong or needing to even have a concept of right or wrong or who's winning, who's losing? So I think for me, in obviously articulating to you that that's important to me and that I value that without getting angry at you for not doing that in the way that I would. And just, again, kind of trusting that over time we move in the right direction. And I think also expressing gratitude or appreciation when someone does get it right, rather than just always pointing out where they don't. Because, again, going back to that sensitivity around failure and blame and defensiveness, if you're just always telling someone that they're not doing something enough or in the right way, it's not very motivating for the vast majority.
[00:25:49]:
Yeah, I'll say on that as well. I think what has really helped is having a sense of play to affection that actually segues nicely. I don't know if you meant to do that into the next question, which we might make the final question, because this is getting lengthy. How do you have the improving our relationship conversations without it feeling like a chore to the avoidant partner? I think that, again, this is not something we've done perfectly. There have definitely been periods where you absolutely felt like it was a chore. I mean, you felt a lot of resistance to those conversations. I'm reflecting on periods of our relationship where things felt pretty hard and we were having a lot of those conversations several times a week and they'd stretch out and I'd be upset or whatever. And I think you definitely felt like you were being kind of called into the principal's office every time I wanted to have a conversation, which is it's not too dissimilar to my experience as a kid.
[00:26:48]:
I'm like, oh, I'm in trouble again, I'm being called up for being disruptive, I'm not doing things right, I'm a failure. Yeah. And I think, again, it's a hard one because it's how do we find space for both? Because we don't want to go, well, we just won't have the conversations because they're hard for you. Because not having the conversations would have been really hard for me at that time. So I think, as I mentioned before, we do more structured cheque ins, I think that can be really helpful just to normalise talking about the relationship without waiting until things get really bad. Because I think if you don't talk about things in a proactive kind of maintenance way, and you only talk about things when it is really tense or fraught or there's been some sort of big rupture, then those conversations are always going to be heavy and bogged down with probably ten other issues that you haven't been addressing. And so there's just going to be a real imprint of negativity around the conversations that will almost certainly feel like a chore to the avoidant partner, particularly if the anxious partner has been burying a lot of stuff. So the avoidant partner might be chugging along, thinking everything's mostly fine because nothing's being talked about, nothing's being raised, and then one thing happens, there's a conversation, and then there's ten other issues that are thrown at them.
[00:28:02]:
And it feels like this kind of torrent of all of the things that you've been doing wrong that I haven't been raising. And that's going to feel pretty overwhelming and threatening to someone with more avoidant patterns, as it would if it were coming the other way. I think that's not a nice experience for anyone. So I think shifting into a can we just cheque in with each other regularly and kind of clean up the space between us and make sure everything's kind of looking and feeling good for us both and having a kind of maintenance mindset rather than an emergency response. One allows the relationship to feel kind of more balanced and steady, rather than feeling like you're having these big spikes in stress and those conversations that can just feel so ineffective and really drag on. And just a lot of the time I think be like a bit of an emotional vent for the anxious partner who's been holding a lot of stuff in. Yeah. I think generally, anywhere in life, you're doing maintenance, cheque ins, whether it's your community sports, whether it's at work.
[00:29:11]:
So it's not really that abstract to think about. Hey, maybe we should sit down on a Saturday morning and have a cheque in. If you need to add a Little some pastries in there so You Feel Like it's reward, you don't have to make It oh so serious. But it does get serious if you don't do it and everything is an emergency meeting because that is just a massive spike. And if you're only having those types of conversations, I can probably guarantee that they're not that constructive. You're not thinking your best when you're that heightened. So to kind of avoid that, I do think often mixing in a bit of a fun play, coming to the table often to do cheque ins. Yeah, having some sort of, as you say, like a ritual around it that isn't heavy and serious, like, oh, we go for a walk on a Sunday morning and we have a chat.
[00:30:05]:
It could be we have pastor on a Monday night and we have a chat about our relationship, whatever, but it just doesn't have to be like, can you please come into the living room? I need to talk to you about something very serious because that feels ominous, right? It feels heavy from the outset and it's probably going to become a. Self fulfilling prophecy because both of your energies are going to be in that defensive. Yeah, totally. Like, guards up. Oh, no. I'm in trouble, as you say, john, you're going to come to it? Oh, no, she said my middle name. I'm in big trouble. So, yeah, I think that the more often you have them, the more kind of structured it is, the less you'll need to get really serious all the time and probably then the more open you are to hearing about things, getting feedback.
[00:30:48]:
I've said a few times on the podcast that for us, now and again, it's not perfect, but for the most part, if something's bothering you that I've been doing, or something's bothering me that you've been doing, we kind of want to know about it. That just feels like an important part of the emotional hygiene of our relationship, that I think we're on the same page around that. That it's not in the interests of either of us individually or our relationship for us to be harbouring stuff. So I think creating that kind of culture where we do talk about things proactively, not as an attack, but just because it's part of our mutual commitment to what we're building here yes. We don't find things that linger that constructive. Yeah. You can feel the difference, right. When there's a lot of unsaid stuff, I think it's very disconnective.
[00:31:39]:
Very quickly, you can feel the difference. Okay, I think we're going to leave it there. There were so many more questions, so maybe we'll do a part two of this at some point, but we'll leave it there so we don't drag on too long. Thank you so much for joining us. I hope that this has been really helpful. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on all of this stuff, definitely cheque out the new course, secure together, it'll be all of this stuff and a lot more. And in a way, that's both a mix of teaching and exercises for you to do with your partner. And as I said, for us, doing courses and stuff together has been really, really helpful in just creating that little bit of distance, that little bit of impartiality, not having it all come from one person to the other, because that can create some funky dynamics that don't always land well.
[00:32:29]:
So it might be a really nice thing for you to explore with your partner if you're listening to this and feeling seen and that you maybe struggle with some of the things that we have struggled with and that you'd like to find your way to a place of a bit more security and safety and trust in one another. Thank you so much for joining us and I hope to see you again next time. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How Stress Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're talking all about stress and the profound impact it can have on our relationships. We live in a world where stress is chronic and constant - and not only does that spell trouble for our health and wellbeing, but it can leave us feeling lonely, resentful and disconnected in our partnerships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about stress and the profound impact it can have on our relationships. We live in a world where stress is chronic and constant - and not only does that spell trouble for our health and wellbeing, but it can leave us feeling lonely, resentful and disconnected in our partnerships.
We'll cover:
How stress can exacerbate existing attachment dynamics
Why we aren't designed for chronic stress and what it does to us
How our nervous system's stress response affects our perception and our stories
Tips for managing stress more adaptively as an individual and within your relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode we are talking all about the impact of stress on our relationships. I think this is an incredibly pervasive and very important issue and topic to address. Because as much as we can try and figure out what's going on in our relationships, what dynamics are there, oftentimes we neglect to look.
[00:00:54]:
At the role of environmental factors, other stuff that's going on in life, all of the real world stuff that oftentimes we can't control, but that has a very, very real and oftentimes negative impact on our relationships and our ability to feel safe and connected and really at peace and to access joy in our relationships, which for most of us, is what we're looking for. So in today's episode I'm going to talk a little bit about how stress might impact your relationship and some of the factors that are at play. There not only why stress might exacerbate existing dynamics around attachment and attachment styles, but also looking at the role of the nervous system and how that interfaces with all of this stuff that we're going to talk about. Because as we'll get to understanding your nervous system and how it plays such a huge role in managing stress and mobilising you in response to stress and influencing the way you perceive the world when you're under stress, I think it's really important that you have that knowledge and understanding as you try and not only manage your stress, but just cultivate greater awareness of just how powerful the impact and influence of stress is on not only your relationship, but how you view the world. Because it really is very, very powerful. So we're going to be talking about that today. And of course, I will be giving you some tips as well, so that if you are in that situation that you can not only be aware of it and maybe feel a little less hopeless, but equip you with some tools and some reframes and some steps that you can take to feel a little more in control when stress strikes. Because it will.
[00:02:42]:
That's part of life. So it's not so much about trying to eradicate stress from our lives, although I think a lot of us could benefit from lowering our stress levels. But really, how can I respond most adaptively to stress and hopefully how can I band together with my partner or others in my life to feel more supported and more resourced in times of stress rather than feeling really isolated and alone and seeing everyone around me as the enemy? Because I think that's the place a lot of us can go to. So that is what we're going to be covering today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to remind you, if you've listened to recent episodes, you will have heard me speak about my new course, Secure Together, which I am launching in a few weeks time. There's already about 150 of you on the waitlist, which is just wonderful. This new course is designed for people who are struggling with anxious avoidant dynamics in their relationship. You can either approach it as a couple, as in do the course together, or you would still get a lot out of it doing it as an individual grappling with those dynamics.
[00:03:47]:
But it's going to go into so much of this stuff. And if you are familiar with my work, you've been following along for a while. You know that I'm a big advocate of not just writing off anxious avoidant dynamics and relationships and saying, look, it's too hard, give up. Go find someone secure. I think that that's not very helpful advice because the reality is a lot of us are in relationships with people that we really love and care for, but we just feel a bit stuck. And we feel like these patterns and cycles that we get into are almost bigger than our ability to shift them. And having been through that and having experienced it, I absolutely can relate. But I can also attest to the fact that it's possible to change those things and to really build a solid and secure foundation of trust and respect and safety.
[00:04:38]:
That doesn't mean you won't experience tough times or conflict or differences, but those things don't feel so life threatening, they don't feel so viscerally frightening. And you actually trust in your ability to navigate those things from a loving place and from a place that trusts that we'll figure this out together. And I think that if you're listening to that and going, oh, wouldn't that be nice, I can assure you that is available to all of us. It's not to say that every single relationship will or should reach that place, but I do believe that that kind of relationship is available to all of us if we're willing to put in the work. And that's really going to be the focus of this course, Secure Together. So if that sounds interesting to you, definitely jump on the waitlist because that will allow you to get first access in a few weeks time when registration opens, and you'll also get discounted pricing that you won't be able to access otherwise. So definitely jump in there all of that's linked in the show notes or you can otherwise find it on my Instagram or on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how stress impacts our relationships.
[00:05:45]:
So I want to start by pointing out, and I think this is something that maybe a lot of people don't really appreciate about attachment. When we're talking about attachment styles and attachment behaviours is that what we're really talking about is how we respond to relational stress or how environmental stress impacts our relational behaviours towards our attachment figures. So for those who are more anxious in their patterns, we go okay. In times of stress, I have these proximity seeking behaviours. I try and close the gap between me and my partner. I try and derive my security from them almost exclusively. And that's what stress does to me. It tells me that I'm not okay on my own and that I need to seek safety in another.
[00:06:33]:
For someone who's more avoidant, stress tells them to isolate, right? It tells them it's all too overwhelming. I just need to kind of go into my shell, go into my cave and maybe numb out, maybe avoid or distract, do whatever I can to process the big feelings of stress that I don't know how to be with. So even though it might look very different to the way that you deal with those stresses, what we're really seeing is that stress will almost always exacerbate insecure attachment behaviours. So of course stress is hard just because it's stressful, right? We have less patience, we have maybe less ability to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We're more short tempered, we're more easily overwhelmed when we're under a lot of stress. All of those things are very normal. But I think a lot of people do miss that the attachment dynamics that are present in a relationship are going to be on a multiplier effect in times of stress. And I think that that's really important to understand because if you've noticed that and maybe you've gone, wow, why is this happening? Why particularly if you're more anxious, you might go, okay, I'm so stressed and I'm trying to reach out for my partner and they're responding to that by isolating that's the last thing I need, what I really need is their support and how could they do this to me? And your stress in response to that is only going to escalate your own internal dialogue around feeling abandoned and feeling alone and how hard that feels.
[00:08:04]:
And then someone else who's on the other side is going to be feeling incredibly overwhelmed and can't you see I'm stressed? Can you just leave me alone? So we can get into these dynamics that are ostensibly opposite, but have in common this thread of we're both under a lot of stress and we're doing our best to create safety for ourselves the only way we know how or the best way we know how. I think the other really important thing to acknowledge about stress is that to varying degrees, stress makes us selfish. And that's just biologically true. That's kind of the fitting your own oxygen mask. I think the vast majority of us by default become much more selfish, self absorbed, focused on our experience when we're stressed. And that's just because we're going, oh, okay, I feel like I'm in danger and my body is telling me to do something about that to create safety for myself. So it's not selfish in a judgmental way. We're not saying that it's bad.
[00:08:58]:
It's just factual that when we're stressed, we become very focused on our experience. And we're much more likely to see other people as doing things to us or against us. But we're much more likely to place ourselves at the centre of the narrative in times of stress because we are so focused on our own experience. We are so consumed by whatever it is that's going on, whether it's stuff that's going on at work or in family relationships or in your romantic relationship. There's this sense of victimhood and everything's working against me. And from that place we can be very self centred. And it's quite common that we have a shorter fuse from that state of feeling like we're in that victim seat and we're really wanting everyone to feel sorry for us and to empathise with the stress that we're under. But it can just mean that we're maybe impaired in our ability to empathise with someone else's experience or to recognise the stress that they might be under or how we're being towards them and how that might be impacting them.
[00:10:02]:
So I think recognising, okay, when I'm stressed, I'm likely to be quite selfish, I'm likely to be quite self absorbed, I'm likely to be quite self centred and that's okay. But it's just something to be aware of because I think that kind of behaviour, when we're not aware of it, we're just on a really fast track to projection and blame and self pity and all of these things that are likely to again exacerbate whatever cycles and patterns already exist in our relationship. So the other really important piece here that I think is absolutely essential to understand is the role of your nervous system in all of this. Now, this could easily be a whole episode in and of itself. It could probably be a whole course in and of itself how our nervous system deals with stress and mobilises us to deal with stress. But to give you a very high level overview, when we're in a state of stress, when we're perceiving stress in our environment and that's a process called neuroception that our nervous system is engaging in constantly in every microsecond of every moment we are scanning our environment. We're taking in huge amounts of sensory information and making a judgement of am I safe or am I in danger? Are there any present or imminent threats that I need to be aware of, prepared for, that I need to mobilise myself to deal with constantly doing that? All of us, all the time, we all have this in common and there's nothing wrong with that. That's what keeps us alive.
[00:11:24]:
But the thing is, when we're in that state and when we do perceive stress, and unfortunately for most of us, our modern lives and the way our society is set up, there's stress everywhere, right? So whereas evolutionarily, we might have perceived potential stress from, oh, there's a lion that might attack me, that's probably not going to be a chronic stressor. It's not going to be there every moment of every day. And our stress response is really designed to be something that happens in peaks and bursts and then returns to normal and we stabilise again. We find our equilibrium. But the way our society is now, you might wake up to an alarm that feels really jarring and read an email from your boss that you should have read before you went to bed. But you fell asleep. And then you're stressed and you're freaking out and you feel anxious and you've got a twisted stomach and running around trying to get ready for work and feeling stressed and you're running late and you walk out the door and then you realise you've forgotten something and that's more stressful. And all of these things, right, that for a lot of us, are chronic.
[00:12:28]:
And so we don't ever actually get to have this complete stress response where we go, oh, okay, I'm stressed, and then I'm going to do something to deal with it, our fight or flight response, and then I'm going to feel a sense of resolution and I'm going to come back down to base. When we're playing, like stress ping pong, we're just bouncing from one thing to another or like pinball, and there's never any resolution. It's just this running on adrenaline of this constant of stress. It's not healthy, it's not adaptive, it's not what we're designed to do. And yet it is, unfortunately the norm for so many of us. All of that to say that when we are stressed and our body starts to perceive stress and we mobilise into this stress response, which all of the hallmarks of anxiety are just part of that stress response, right? Oh, I've got a racing heart, I've got tingling fingers, I've got heat in my face, I feel that knot in my stomach or a lump in my throat, I feel sick, I have butterflies, all of that. I feel jittery. That's just a stress response, right, that's your body mobilising, you giving you more energy to deal with the threat.
[00:13:34]:
And when we're like that, it's really important to be attuned to what's going on in our body because we can go, okay, all of these symptoms, that tells me that I'm anxious, that tells me that I'm stressed. And the reason why it's important to notice that is because when you are in that state, your story so your perception of everything else, everything subsequent to that response until you've come back into regulation, is going to be tainted by the stress or the threat perception. And where this gets difficult is then if we say, going back to that scenario, you wake up, you get the email from your boss. You go oh shit, like I was meant to do that. And you're stressed and they're going to be angry at you and you're running around and the shirt that you thought you had has actually got a stain on it and you've got a meeting and whatever other you can imagine the scenario your partner in all of that. If they're just in the background of that scenario it's really easy for you to look at them like they are a lion attacking you, right? For everything that they could be doing or not doing to be threatening or wrong in some way because you've essentially got the threat goggles on. You are viewing everything through this lens of I am in danger and I've got to protect myself. And obviously that kind of perception is not going to be conducive to giving someone the benefit of the doubt, to communicating calmly and respectfully to someone, to being connected, to empathy, to having awareness of someone else's experience, right? Again, stress makes us selfish and we get so worked up in our staff that we project and we snap at people and we are rude and impatient and impolite.
[00:15:17]:
We blame them, we judge them, all of these things because we're really deep in this nervous system stress response where we're perceiving everything as being part of our internal experience of stress and our external perception of threat. So being aware of that and going okay and it's something that we really need to be self responsible for and go okay, if I'm really stressed like that I need to name it and own it and communicate it. Sorry, I'm really stressed. I don't mean to take this out on you, I'm really overwhelmed. Even naming it can do a lot to give us some momentary relief. If you do lash out or you do project, really taking responsibility for that and going, that was not appropriate. I'm really sorry that I did that. I was very stressed.
[00:16:05]:
And here's what I'm going to do next time to make sure that I don't take that out on you, because I know that's not fair and you are just trying to help or whatever is appropriate for the circumstances. Right? So unfortunately I think that the vast majority of couples run out these patterns on default mode and lack the skills, the tools, the awareness to do anything about it. Because as I said, stress is really powerful. It's designed that way. Our bodies are designed to respond quickly and dramatically to threats, right? But when we do live in a world that feels like everything's stressful and everything's threatening then that big dramatic spiky stress response that we have can all of a sudden become very disproportionate and misplaced. And in a relationship when you've got two people who are stressed and projecting onto each other it can very quickly erode trust and safety and an environment of care and mutuality and feeling like you're on the same team. And so I think, unfortunately, most couples do just find themselves in these cycles where stress gets the better of them and they become really disconnected. They feel really isolated and alone, particularly in times of stress.
[00:17:22]:
And that can do a lot of damage and it can cause a lot of hurt and pain. And to that end, I want to offer you a few tips that I hope will allow you to at least start on this journey of seeing the role that stress plays and coming up with a plan to really tackle stress as a team. Because I think that what sets apart couples who really have got it figured out. They're really solid, secure couples whose lives and relationships are far from perfect, but they really do the relating part well is that they know how to band together as a team. Because as much as by default we might become selfish and self centred and solo in times of stress. I think that we are so much better equipped to deal with stress adaptively. If we band together and we play to our strengths and one person can pick up the slack and we can go, okay, I can see you're stressed. How can I support you? And the person who's stressed can really receive that rather than just firing off snarky comments or being passive aggressive or whatever might be our flavour of choice when it comes to dealing with our stress.
[00:18:29]:
So the tips that I want to offer you, and these are obviously just a starting point, and I should say we'll be going into all of this in a lot of detail in the new course, Secure together. So if this is a place where you feel stuck, again, I definitely recommend that you cheque out that new course. But I think start by acknowledging the role of stress in your relationship and specifically to your relationship going, okay, when we are stressed, when you are stressed at work. I've noticed that this happens when I am stressed by whatever kids, when I'm stressed by my relationship with my brother. But naming really specifically, like, here's how this thing impacts me and us, and here's how I know I get when I'm under this type of stress, when I haven't slept properly or when work is crazy or I've got a deadline or whatever it might be. But reflecting and acknowledging really specifically and taking ownership and going, okay, here's what happens. And when that happens, the next thing happens. So I lash out at you and then I notice that you get really withdrawn and defensive and you don't want to talk to me.
[00:19:38]:
And that just enrages me because even though I'm being passive aggressive towards you, I actually desperately want your support. But I know I'm not making that very easy for you because I'm hurling all of these snippy remarks at you and that just makes you want to hide from me. Because I'm being so unpleasant, right? Whatever it is. But name the cycle and name both of your parts in it and try and open up a conversation where you can, even with a bit of humour, acknowledge how you get stuck and acknowledge how unpleasant it is for both of you and how contrary to what you would both really want for your relationship it is. Because I think that's really at the heart of it as well, right, is if we were to be honest and lay down our ego a bit, we could both say, I don't want this. I don't want to feel like I'm at war with you, I love you and I care about you and I really want us to find a way to do this better and do this differently. So how can we approach that together and really try and come up with a plan? That's my next tip, is try and come up with a plan. So knowing that stress is inevitable, knowing that it's going to come for you and there's going to be many days, weeks, months, seasons of life that will be varying degrees of stressful.
[00:20:53]:
In light of that inevitability, how can we best prepare ourselves for it so that we don't hurt each other when we're stressed, so that we actually do find ways to band together for one of us to support the other and vice versa? When we're feeling really overwhelmed and like our bucket is empty? How can we fill those gaps and play to our strengths and really find our way back to a loving, caring place when we're stressed, rather than doing that solo act of going inwards and then getting really resentful and angry at each other? Which, again, is what I think most people do. And if you know that in advance, certain periods are going to be stressful. If you've got a busy period at work coming up, come up with a plan and really find ways to deal with it so that it doesn't catch you off guard. Because everything that I was explaining earlier around the nervous system, when you're in that, it can be really hard to see through the fog, it can be really hard to get out of there. So knowing in advance, like, AHA, that's how stress affects me and this is how I get when I'm stressed. And I know that when I'm in that, it's really hard to see my partner as anything other than the enemy. So know that and just having the awareness and having said it out loud and acknowledged it as between you will make it much easier to spot it in real time and go, I'm doing the thing. And that might make it a little easier to get down that escape slide back into a more regulated place where you can actually see things clearly and you can see your partner as the loving, supportive person that you have decided to be in relationship with and really act from that place and hopefully find your way back to more love and connection.
[00:22:40]:
But having a plan is really helpful for your nervous system, having tools that you can reach for, what allows me to feel more regulated, what allows me to let the pressure out rather than just waiting until I get into peak stress again? I think a lot of us do that. We only really realise how stressed we are when the volcano erupts, rather than proactively managing our stress and proactively taking care of ourselves so that we don't reach those really acute heightened states of stress that are just the product of cumulative little things piling up on a day to day basis. So we're not really having that kind of emotional or nervous system hygiene to really prune back the stress and process it and deal with it on a day to day basis so that we're in maintenance mode rather than the emergency response. And the last tip that I want to give you and I've alluded to this throughout the episode, but don't hesitate to ask for support when you're stressed. I think that, as I've said, we can get really insular and isolated when we're stressed. We might tell ourselves a story of either no one cares or no one understands or it's just easier if I do it all myself. Those are all such stress state stories and notice how they keep you there longer. That all of those things that just heighten your stress and heighten your perception of everyone's against me and I'm the victim.
[00:24:06]:
None of those things are really going to help you to get what you need, which is to deal with the stress and to feel connected and supported. So just consider what it might be like to ask for support, whether from your partner or from other people in your life, and really allow yourself to receive that support. And just notice, okay, I don't have to suffer in silence. I don't have to do all of this alone. And then be resentful that I'm doing all of it alone. When you're stressed, when you're overwhelmed, when you're at capacity, resist the urge to just hunker down and isolate and then resent everyone for not helping you ask for help. I know that can be hugely uncomfortable for those of us who are used to either doing everything ourselves or not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to bother anyone. But there's huge growth in actually just asking and receiving, so don't hesitate to recognise your own stress when it arises and ask for help when you need it.
[00:25:06]:
Okay. I hope that this has been helpful as a little introduction on how stress can impact our relationships and all of the different parts and pieces that can be at play there, and giving you a little bit of a roadmap on where to start, on shifting some of those patterns to, as I said, not eradicate stress from your life. Although letting out some of that steam more regularly can help to mitigate some of those volcanic eruptions, but really to become more resilient in times of stress so that it doesn't feel like everything crumbles and we really feel alone, and we turn against our partner, and they turn against us. And how can I actually grow stronger through stress? By using it as an opportunity to connect with my partner and to lean on them and to really reinforce the security of our bond. Because that is what can happen and what is available to you once you develop some more safety and security in your relationship and trust in your ability to band together as a team and everything that flows from that. I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews. I read every single one of them, and I'm always so touched by your words.
[00:26:24]:
And again, if you are interested in the new course Secure Together, you can join the Waitlist in the Show Notes or by heading to my website or my Instagram. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Do The Work
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship. This is an incredibly common dynamic, to have one partner who wants to actively work on things and another partner who is more resistant (which can often overlap with anxious-avoidant dynamics).
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship. This is an incredibly common dynamic, to have one partner who wants to actively work on things and another partner who is more resistant (which can often overlap with anxious-avoidant dynamics).
We’ll cover:
Why your partner might be feeling resistant to doing "the work"
How different people make meaning out of needing to work on a relationship
Ways to dismantle fear stories your partner might have
Why it's entirely valid to value growth in a partnership
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode we are going to be talking all about what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So when one of you is really wanting to grow and wanting to actively work on the relationship, whether that's from a place of need, as in the relationships in dire straits and you know that that kind of work is required in order for the relationship to survive, or maybe you're wanting the relationship to go from okay to great. But in either scenario or any combination of those or anywhere in between, it's a really common dynamic that one person is more invested or more proactive about wanting to work on the relationship and they are met with resistance from the other person who is maybe not as interested in personal development kind of work.
[00:01:23]:
Maybe doesn't want to look at the dynamics in the relationship with a critical lens and see where things could be better. So it's really very normal and as I said, very common for couples to find themselves in this kind of situation. And I'm going to share some thoughts on how you can tackle that, how you can think about it and some paths forward for you if that's the situation that you find yourself in and you're really wanting to be. Able to connect with your partner and get to be on the same page or at least have some common goals around what you desire for the relationship and how you can work together to head in the right direction. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. You might have heard me recently sharing that I have a new course for couples in the works which is really exciting. We've now landed on a name. So the course is going to be called Secure together and it will be all about navigating anxious avoidant dynamics in a way that allows you to really meet in the middle and not only both be compromising in a way that feels suboptimal, but where you can really find joy and peace and love and connection in a way that just doesn't feel so stressful and threatening and oppositional all the time.
[00:02:41]:
Because as I know all too wells and I'm sure many of you know, that can certainly be where it goes without the tools and the skills and the awareness to shift out of our default pattern. So Secure Together will be launching in a few weeks time and I have a waitlist up and running for those who are interested to learn more. If you're on the waitlist, you will receive first access and also very discounted pricing, so it's definitely worth jumping on that. Waitlist, all of that is linked in the show. Note for anyone who is interested, the second quick announcement is just to share. I've been reflecting on the podcast and the future of the podcast. This sounds like an ominous announcement, but it isn't, I promise, and wanting the podcast to feel sustainable and viable, hopefully for a long time to come. And for that reason, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week from the current two episodes per week.
[00:03:37]:
As you can imagine, it takes a lot of time and energy and resources to be putting out two episodes a week, every week. And in the interest of making sure that, as I said, the podcast can continue to be around and putting out new content for you all every week for a long time to come, in order for that to feel sustainable on my side, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week. So that'll be happening shortly. And in case anyone notices, maybe no one would have noticed anyway, but in case you are an avid listener who tunes in twice a week, I just want to say I'm so grateful for you and there will be still podcasts every week, but we'll be shifting back to one. So thank you in advance for your understanding and for your ongoing support. I'm very appreciative of you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So I really do just want to emphasise, and I know I said this in the introduction, I really want to emphasise how common and normal this is.
[00:04:34]:
So to the extent that you're in that kind of dynamic and you're feeling really frustrated and really isolated and maybe feeling powerless or hopeless, maybe you're wondering if this means you shouldn't be with this person and it shouldn't be so hard and why don't they care? All of those stories are really understandable and I've certainly been there, but I do just want to emphasise that it's very, very common. I think in most cases you will have one partner who's more keen and one partner who's more resistant. That doesn't have to mean anything in and of itself, it's just that we often find ourselves in those sorts of dynamics. Obviously, with the attachment overlay, we can see that someone who leans more anxious is likely to be very invested in wanting to do the work. Oftentimes, I would argue from a place of almost of fear and seeking to feel in control, because if we're constantly talking about the relationship and improving it and all of that, we're plugging all the holes in the ship all the time and then nothing can ever happen. We're like proactively problem solving and protecting the relationship at all costs. And it's not to say that's a bad trait, but I think it's really important no matter where you sit on the spectrum of willingness to do work in your relationship. It's good to be self aware and it's good to reflect on what's this really about.
[00:05:53]:
For me, is this a values thing? And I think that's a completely valid values thing or is this an insecurity and a fear thing? Or maybe it's some combination of those and just sifting through that so that we can come to these conversations in our relationships with a lot of self awareness and a lot of self responsibility that allows us to meet. Our partner in kind of honesty and vulnerability rather than attack and blame and projection, which I think is what can happen when we feel frustrated and exasperated and we make the other person the problem. We say you're the reason that we're like this because I want to do the work and you're the roadblock, you're the impasse, so you just have to change and then everything will be fine. I think we can really easily fall into that kind of story and project that in a way that spoiler alert, tends not to work very well and tends to lead to more resistance in the other person. Quite understandably. So what do we do with this with a partner who's really resistant? I think that as with all things, I know how frustrating it is, but it really can be very helpful to get curious about the source of their resistance, right? So rather than just making them wrong for their resistance and their reluctance to do the work. Go okay, what might this signify to you? What is it about working on our relationship that feels threatening to you in some way or that feels unsafe or that scares you or stresses you out? And for a lot of people with more avoidant patterns, the idea of needing to work on a relationship is maybe quite foreign or at the very least, quite intensely vulnerable. Because particularly if you've been in a relationship dynamic where the status quo is having these big, long, heavy emotional conversations for 3 hours, where you spin around in circles, and for someone who leans more towards avoidant patterns, that is likely to be a very emotionally exhausting experience that they're going to have a lot of resistance to.
[00:07:53]:
Again, quite understandably. And so they might think of doing more work on your relationship as being tantamount to signing up for more of that. So getting curious, what is working on the relationship? What does that mean to you? What does that look like to you and what does it signify or symbolise? What does it mean about our relationship to you if we are doing work on it? For some people and I think this is hopefully becoming less true now, I think there's cultural shifts taking place, but certainly a more old fashioned view would be that you shouldn't have to talk about it or work on it. And I think that some more avoidant folks can have the perspective of if it's that much work, it's not worth it. And that just means that something's broken, it's not a good fit, so I'll just go find someone else where that work isn't required and that is my solution. And there are people who are more than happy to be in a relationship for years, decades, a lifetime, and not do this kind of work. So it's not wrong, but it's just finding compatibility in that respect. And I think for a lot of people nowadays, and certainly I know for probably the majority of people listening to this podcast, there is a desire to grow in relationship and there is a desire to deepen emotionally and to not just get by, but to really thrive in love together.
[00:09:19]:
And I think that's a beautiful thing to value and to fight for. So I think that all of that to say, it can be really helpful to get clear for each of you on what the work means. And if there's some confusion there or you're faced with resistance, maybe you could share with a partner that I'm not doing this because I think that this is broken and you're doing something wrong and I'm trying to change you or any other stories that you think you might need to dismantle. But really because I love our relationship and I really want to invest in it in the same way that I'd invest in any other part of my life that I really valued and wanted to nurture. You do exercise to take care of your health or you would take lessons in dance if you wanted to learn to be a better dancer. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong there or that we need to get defensive or protective of the thing. But I think oftentimes we have all of these really unrealistic expectations of how easy relationships should be. And that if you are doing work together, if you're going to couples counselling, if you're having big talks about your feelings or if you're reading a relationship book or doing a course together, that that means that there's something wrong and that you're failing.
[00:10:44]:
And I think for some people more than others, that can be a real point of sensitivity and can bring up a lot of stuff and it can bring up a lot of those defence mechanisms that we can see, whether that's avoidance or denial or projection or any number of things that basically deflect away from the need to look deeper. Because that can feel quite confronting for some. So getting really clear, making sure that when you're trying to talk to your partner about this stuff, that you're not bringing the energy of blame and attack because that's just going to provide evidence in support of the fear story that someone's likely harbouring if they have a lot of resistance. So really trying to dismantle that and leading by example, by showing like I don't think there's anything wrong. I just really would love for us to go deeper or to expand or build more joy, more fun, more peace, more play, more intimacy, because that really matters to me and because I love you. So I think that's a very different angle than dragging someone by the scruff of their neck to counselling because you've had enough and this is a last resort. I think that's going to be really hard because, of course, for a lot of people, that will bring up resistance because they feel very powerless and they feel like they're being maybe that they're going to be ambushed. I think that's a really common dynamic when it comes to couples therapy as well, that you're just recruiting someone who's going to take your side and tell me all of the ways that I'm bad.
[00:12:16]:
So really getting clear around what the objective is, what your intentions are, explaining why it's important to you, really forefronting your values in that, and how growth is really important for you as an individual and for the two of you as a couple. And that feels really important to the ongoing thriving of the relationship and ensuring that it doesn't get lazy or complacent or stagnant as so many relationships do. I think the other important thing to say is that you're allowed to value growth and you're allowed to really prioritise that. I think I've said it on the podcast before where I'm at in my life now, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who wasn't interested in growing in the way that I am. It doesn't have to be in the exact way that I am or at the exact point in my journey that I'm at. I'm not telling you that you need to recruit someone who is your exact copy. I don't think that's advisable or realistic, but alignment is important. And if growth and development is of the utmost priority to you, and that really is a high ranking value for you in your own life and in your relationships, then I think it's totally valid to stand behind that and to convey the gravity of that or the magnitude of that desire to a partner.
[00:13:45]:
And ultimately, of course, it's going to vary hugely depending on the circumstances if you've been with someone for 20 years versus if you're dating someone for two months. Right? So I'm not going to lay down the law on what you should do in any of those situations, but rather just to really validate that that is a perfectly understandable desire and value. And that's certainly something that I value very highly and very appreciative of in my own relationship, that my partner and I are aligned on, that it's something that we'll be speaking about, I think I mentioned at the last episode I might not have here. Joel, my partner, will be featuring in the new course on couple stuff and anxious avoidant dynamics. And it's something that we'll be speaking to these dynamics in the context of anxious avoidant relationships. But yeah, just to say that you don't have to shy away from that if you know that's really important to you. And while it might not look exactly the same, someone's work might look really different to yours. Just because your partner doesn't want to read a book about relationships that you thought was an amazing book doesn't mean that they don't care about the relationship.
[00:14:51]:
Just because they don't want to do an online course or listen to this podcast with you. It doesn't have to mean anything. You don't get to control the exact steps that they take. But I think some people will say to me, my partner says I don't need to do any work on myself because I like myself the way I am. Full stop, end of conversation. And I think that can be hard to work with, particularly when the relationship is struggling and someone's deflecting all of the attention away from themselves and suggesting that they've not got work to do. That can be hard to work with and that can be hard to build with that kind of attitude. So I just wanted to say that to validate that you don't have to struggle through that.
[00:15:34]:
Particularly, as I said, if it's earlier in a relationship and if you're not in a relationship at the moment, I would really encourage you to get clear. This is a bit of a sidebar, but write down what your values are, write down what's really important to you, and willingness to grow together can absolutely be a high ranking value of yours. And so you can have that front of mind when you're dating people, when you're connecting with new people and making sure that you're screening for that to make sure that you're aligned because it can make a big difference down the road. Okay, so I hope that has been helpful. I realise we jumped around a bit there, but just to recap, it's so normal to have resistance. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with your partner or your relationship. I think most couples will encounter some form of this at some point in the journey, so don't get too down and out if this is the situation that you're in. And try to be somewhat open minded and curious as to what purpose their resistance might be serving.
[00:16:34]:
What are they protecting behind that resistance? What feels really vulnerable or edgy for them about the idea of doing work together? And how might you offer them some additional context communication, dismantling some of those stories that they might have around what it means to do the work and really explain why for you it doesn't have to mean all bad things and really quite the contrary. It's a sign of how much you love and appreciate them and how much you value the relationship can be a really helpful reframe. Also that you are allowed to value this. You don't need to downplay that or deny that, because it's a totally valid need. But also, just try and be somewhat flexible around not needing a partner's journey and their work to look exactly the same as yours, because oftentimes it won't. And I think sometimes when we're expecting someone to have the same path as us, that's when we can get a bit controlling and judgmental, and that tends to make the resistance worse. I really hope that that has been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or a rating.
[00:17:38]:
It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
The Pillars of Trust & Trustworthiness
In today's episode, we're talking all about trust & trustworthiness. Trust is something that many people struggle with, oftentimes as a direct result of past experiences where trust has been breached. And as we'll discuss in today's conversation, trust is about so much more than honesty. My hope is that you'll walk away from today's episode with greater clarity about why you might struggle with trust, and the steps you can take to remediate this in your relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about trust & trustworthiness. Trust is something that many people struggle with, oftentimes as a direct result of past experiences where trust has been breached. And as we'll discuss in today's conversation, trust is about so much more than honesty. My hope is that you'll walk away from today's episode with greater clarity about why you might struggle with trust, and the steps you can take to remediate this in your relationships.
We’ll cover:
The interplay between trust and trustworthiness
The five pillars of trust
How self-trust and relational trust are connected
Building trust through small acts over time
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about the pillars of trust and trustworthiness. So this is something that I started reflecting on and formulating in preparation for my master class on building Trust, which I ran a couple of weeks ago. And it's really stuck with me. And I think it's such an important conversation to be had because if you're like most people, you probably think of trust as comprising honesty and openness.
[00:01:03]:
And while honesty is definitely a component of trust and a really important ingredient in being able to trust someone, it's not the be all and end all. It's not the whole picture. And I think that understanding that trust is more layered than that, that there's more depth to it and more breadth to what it takes to really trust someone and what it takes for someone to demonstrate their trustworthiness. That really allows us to have a fuller picture of where and why we might struggle to trust and by extension, what we might do to start building more trust in our relationship. So I'm going to be sharing with you five pillars of trustworthiness, which is not an exhaustive list and it's not some sort of doctrine that you're going to find in a textbook. This is just something that I came up with when I was preparing for this master class that I ran. But I am hoping that it is helpful for you in reframing and broadening the way that you think about trust. The other thing I want to say in framing the discussion is that self trust and relational trust are much more parallel than we think.
[00:02:07]:
I think that a lot of people treat self trust as something mysterious and we throw our hands up and go, oh, I just have such bad self trust. I'm so indecisive. I don't really trust in myself to make a good decision. I always ask other people for their opinions and I to and fro on it incessantly. I always doubt myself. And while I understand that that can be a really overwhelming experience, I think we underestimate how many of the principles that apply in the realm of relational trust are very much influential and formative in whether and to what extent we trust ourselves. So I'll touch a little bit on that today. But I do want to say if this is a topic that you're interested in and you enjoy today's discussion, please do go and cheque out the Building Trust Masterclass.
[00:02:57]:
It's two and a half hours or thereabouts of a really deep dive on this topic on self trust and relational trust and rebuilding trust after there's been a breach of trust. So it's really in depth and has an accompanying workbook as well. So I will do my best to give you a taster of these pillars of trustworthiness in today's episode. But if you are keen to go deeper, definitely a good idea to cheque out the Masterclass, which will be linked in the show notes. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around trust and trustworthiness. So I want to start by saying, you might have noticed I keep saying trust and trustworthiness because, again, I think oftentimes we can blame ourselves if we have so called trust issues. And we go, oh, I just need to get better at trusting. I just need to be more trusting.
[00:03:47]:
And I think it's important to recognise that often our trust issues, if we're going to call them that, are there for a reason. And it might not be a reason that originates in your current relationships, where it might be a legacy wound from a previous relationship, but it's rare that it just comes out of nowhere. So I think we really have to approach ourselves with a level of self compassion and recognise that most of the time our fears make sense and they come from somewhere. So in the past, you might have been lied to or betrayed or disappointed or let down blindsided by something. There might have been secrets kept that you were unaware of. And so you've developed certain fears around trusting in response to something that's happened to you or something that you've seen, but there's something within you that's going it is not safe to fully trust this person, to rely on them, to count on them, to take their word at face value. And so I've got to add these additional layers of protection in order to keep myself safe. And that might look like either withholding parts of yourself not being fully vulnerable, not opening yourself to someone, or it might look like probing someone or not trusting what they say.
[00:04:59]:
It might look like reading their messages or crossing boundaries around privacy because you struggle to just trust that things could be as they seem. So there's lots of tentacles to this whole trust piece. But I did just want to say that oftentimes our trust wounds make sense, and so we do want to approach ourselves with a level of compassion. The other piece is this distinction between trust and trustworthiness. It really is a dialogue, right? It's like call and response. So I trust to the extent that you demonstrate yourself to be trustworthy, and that's likely to happen in increments, or at least ideally it would. So I might trust you with this piece of myself and then you show up in a way that feels really safe and trustworthy, and then I give you a little more, and then you stay steady and you are showing me that you are worthy of trust. I e trustworthy and so as we proceed in a moment to talk about these pillars of trust and trustworthiness, I want you to think about it being a two way street.
[00:06:00]:
It's not just your responsibility to blindly trust. It is a dialogue. It is back and forth between people in a relationship, not just a romantic relationship, to be clear, but this interplay, this dialogue between trust and trustworthiness, and that we really need both of those to dance together in a way that feels really safe in order for that to build over time. So let's talk about these pillars of trustworthiness. The first one is perhaps the most obvious, as I alluded to at the beginning of this episode, that honesty, right? Honesty is a really important part of trust. So honesty to me is, can I trust your word? Is your word true? Is it reliable? Are you sharing the whole truth? Are you withholding are you concealing? Are you not being transparent with me around not only the facts of a situation, but maybe how you're feeling and anything like that? So can I trust that what you say is the truth? And I don't really need to probe or interrogate or push beyond that because you have shown me that your word is valuable and honest and reliable. So honesty, as I said, is what we mostly think about when we think of trust. And so if someone has lied to us, we might not trust them.
[00:07:19]:
And that is perfectly understandable, but it is just the tip of the iceberg, I think, when it comes to trust. And we do want to dig a little deeper to look at some of these less obvious expressions of trust and trustworthiness. So the next one is reliability. So in this context, I'm thinking of reliability as, can I count on you? Will you be there when I need you? Do I really feel like you have my back? It doesn't mean that you're perfect. It doesn't mean that you are waiting at my beck and call all the time. But can I trust that if I were ever in a moment of need, that you would show up for me in a way that really contributed to my feeling of safety? Again, this could be in a friendship. Hopefully you've got at least a couple of friends that you know you could always call and count on to be there for you. And I think that level of reliability, no matter what else is going on, is so conducive to deep trust in any relationship.
[00:08:15]:
Obviously the converse of that is unreliability flakiness maybe not prioritising the relationship enough such that you don't feel important to this person in a way that they really are there for you and care about you. Reliably okay, the third pillar of trustworthiness is integrity. So are your values and your actions in alignment? Is there this sense of wholeness? And can I really feel that you know who you are? You know what you stand for and you are committed to broadly acting in accordance with your values. So I think when there are people who you can feel into the fact that they don't really know who they are and they're really insecure and they flip flop all over the place and they go with the flow and they try and fit in. And there's no real internal angst. There's no sense of them knowing who they are and what they value in anything other than a really shallow sense. It is very hard to trust that person because you just don't know what it is you are connecting with. You don't know who the person is behind the mask.
[00:09:19]:
And so I think that having this really embodied sense of integrity and again, I think of that as alignment and knowing what your values are and acting from a place of integrity, doing what you think is right rather than what is easy or comfortable, that really helps to build trust. And again, I think this is one where it's particularly important to highlight the parallels between relational trust and self trust. Because as I've spoken to before on the show and I teach in all of my courses, a lack of self awareness and self knowledge around our values is a surefire way to erode self respect and self trust. Because when we don't know who we are, we don't know what we value, we don't know what we stand for, we don't know what our boundaries are, we don't know what our limits are. We don't know what we're okay with. And we just float around doing whatever other people want us to in an effort to seek approval or be accepted or be chosen. Very, very hard to trust ourselves from that place because there's no direction, right? There's nothing really anchored or grounded about that. And that flaky kind of energy is not very trustworthy.
[00:10:30]:
So again, both in yourself and other people, integrity and alignment is a really, really important pillar of trustworthiness. The next one is responsibility. And in this context I'm meaning responsibility like do you own your mistakes? Do you recognise your contribution to a situation? Do you own your blind spots? And do you seek to repair and make amends, proactively and find ways to make sure that certain things don't happen again or don't continue because you are committed to nurturing the relationship? So I think the absence of responsibility basically looks like avoiding hard conversations, not really owning your part, being very defensive. And I think all of those behaviours really obliterate trust because they say to someone I don't really care about your experience, or I don't have the capacity to care about your experience because I'm too concerned with my own. And while we can all do that at certain times, it's really, really destructive to trust. So I think that having the courage to be self responsible and to be proactive and to own our part to own where we've slipped up. I think this one is really important to call out. We're not talking about perfection, right, in any of this.
[00:11:45]:
We're not saying you need to have a squeaky clean track record where you've never made a mistake and you never do anything wrong and you never fall out of integrity or alignment. It's about repairing and not trying to avoid those conversations, not trying to shirk responsibility, but really owning up and owning something and saying, look, I messed up and I see where I went wrong and here's why it isn't going to happen again, because here's my plan, right? That level of self responsibility and accountability really, really helps to build trust and it also really helps to rebuild trust if there has been some sort of rupture or breach. And the final pillar of trustworthiness that I want to share with you is consistency. So are you doing all of those things consistently over time? So rather than it just being a little spurt of motivation, which I think can often happen if we've had a rupture and then we have this big conversation around it and you might come up with a plan and then things are better for a couple of weeks or even a couple of months. But then they start to slip back into old patterns. And again, we can give ourselves some grace because I think we're all guilty of this, of getting a bit complacent and lazy with the commitments that we make. But it's really important to trust that there is consistency and inconsistency makes it very hard to trust because there's no predictability, there's no safety in inconsistency. So having consistent behaviour over time and a really solid track record is going to be really helpful for building trust and rebuilding trust.
[00:13:21]:
So really making sure that whatever we're doing to build trust in a relationship is comprised of lots of little things compounding over time, because that's really how trust is built. I think we can imagine that trust would be built in big moments, but I don't think that's actually true. I think it's lots of little moments, lots of bids for connection and moments of reaching out where we feel really seen and safe and held by another person, validated by them. And over time we go, wow, I can really count on this person. Like I said at the start, it's that dialogue between trust and trustworthiness that is constantly happening, this interplay of reaching out and having someone reach back and going, ah, yes, I can trust you because I've got all of this evidence in support of that. So making sure that whatever you're doing in any relationship to demonstrate your trustworthiness is something that you are doing consistently over time, because that is really important to our sense of safety and trust. So I hope that has been helpful, as I said, in sort of widening the lens for you in terms of what you think of trust as comprising and the ingredients that go into building trust? Because I think that if we are only thinking about trust in terms of honesty, then we're missing all these other ways that we might be inadvertently unintentionally harming the trust in our relationships, or that someone we're in relationship in is proving themselves to be untrustworthy and we don't know why we can't trust them. So maybe hearing this is validating to you, that it's understandable that you struggle to trust someone if they've been really unreliable and inconsistent, but they insist they've been honest.
[00:15:05]:
We really need more than just one piece of the puzzle in order to build this overall picture of trust. The tapestry of trust is much more intricate than just honesty. So perhaps this has been validating, and you can then take that away and go, oh, okay, I now have a little bit more context for why I'm struggling to trust this person and what feedback I could give them in terms of my needs so that I could cultivate a bit more safety. We could cultivate more trust and repair or plug some of the holes in the ship to the extent that it feels like you're not quite there yet on really trusting someone. So I hope that this has been helpful. As I said, if you want to go deeper on this conversation, definitely check out the building trust masterclass, which is very much a deep dive, but otherwise, I hope that this has been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:16:04]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
What Healthy Interdependency Looks Like & How to Cultivate It
In today's episode, we're exploring healthy interdependency. Interdependency is often cited as a key trait of secure functioning relationships, and yet many of us lack a clear picture of what healthy interdependency actually looks and feels like - especially if you have a history of insecure attachment patterns.
In today's episode, we're exploring healthy interdependency. Interdependency is often cited as a key trait of secure functioning relationships, and yet many of us lack a clear picture of what healthy interdependency actually looks and feels like - especially if you have a history of insecure attachment patterns.
We’ll cover:
The spectrum from codependency to hyper-independence
Interdependency as a healthy middle ground
How different attachment styles relate to codependency, independence and interdependence
Signs of healthy interdependency in a relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
JOIN THE WAITLIST FOR MY NEW COURSE ON ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIPS
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about cultivating healthy interdependency in relationships, which is really one of the hallmarks of secure relating and secure attachment. So this is an area that I think doesn't come naturally for those of us with more insecure attachment patterns as their starting point. But it really is such an important thing to have as a reference point as you're doing this work, so that you can be really aware of what would a secure couple do? How would that look? And how can we bring more of that energy of balance and mutual care and respect to whatever we are grappling within our relationship? So we're going to be looking at this spectrum of relating from codependency at one end through to hyper independence at the other, and then figuring out what this healthy middle ground of interdependence looks and feels like. And then I'm going to be giving you some more specific signs or things to work towards insofar as healthy interdependency is concerned, so that you can start to take steps towards that and cultivate that in yourself and in your relationships.
[00:01:41]:
So that is what we're talking about today. Before we dive into today's conversation, a couple of quick announcements. The first one is very exciting and I almost hesitate to actually announce it because it formally locks us into following through, but I am in the process of creating a new programme for couples around anxious avoidant relationships. So my master class on how to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships is my most popular by far has been purchased and used by almost 1000 people in the last year. And I've had it in my mind for a long time to spin that out into a fully fledged course with a view to providing that for couples to work through, to cultivate more secure patterns together. And so I'm really excited to announce that we have in the pipeline a course for couples, particularly in those anxious avoidant dynamics, and that my partner Joel, who leans more avoidant, is going to be joining me in creating and presenting that for you. So that's something that I'm very, very excited to announce. It's not ready and available yet, but it will be in the not too distant future.
[00:02:51]:
And if that's something that piques your interest and you would like to put your name on a waitlist to learn more about that when the time comes, I have put the waitlist link in the show notes and you can sign up to that which will, as always, not only allow you to get first access and all of the details, but also very discounted launch pricing. So if that interests you and you want to go deeper on the art of secure relating when you're in that anxious avoidant dynamic, I would love for you to jump on the waitlist for this new course. Okay, second quick announcement is just to share the featured review which is from the first episode I listened to. It literally pointed out feelings and triggers that I felt during my past relationships that kept me from a fulfilling, healthy relationship. I always wondered what is this feeling? And now this podcast has opened my eyes and I feel like I'll be able to concentrate my healing into becoming a better version of myself. Thank you for all your work and words. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. If that was yours, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses.
[00:03:57]:
Okay, let's dive into this conversation around cultivating healthy interdependency in relationships. So, as I flagged in the introduction, there's this broad spectrum that we could look at from codependency on the one end to hyper independence on the other and we can see how anxious patterns probably veer more towards codependency or certainly can do, whereas extreme avoidance tends to be in the direction of hyper independence. And it's really important to understand that neither of these being opposite extremes of a spectrum are the healthy middle which I talk so much about and what we're all trying to cultivate on this path to more secure relationships. So codependency is not something that I'm going to go into in great depth, it really is its whole own body of work. And for those who don't really know much about the origins of that body of work, it's very much in the context of addiction and the systems around addicts. So codependency being a dynamic that's often seen in those systems whereby a partner of someone with addictions tends to over function and make themselves needed by someone in order to protect the relationship and to protect themselves. And that usually is driven by very low self worth and comes with its whole own set of dynamics that can be really challenging. And of course if that is in the context of addiction, then that is its whole own kettle of fish.
[00:05:28]:
But codependency tends to be this energy of I need you to need me in order for me to feel okay. And so I over function and overgive and overextend myself and I try and take care of all of your needs so that I become indispensable to you because I don't trust that without that you would want me and this relationship wouldn't be able to stand on its own 2ft without my over functioning. But the problem with that is that it tends to facilitate and perpetuate the other side of the coin, which is the under functioning of the other partner, the under giving. So it's sort of like excessive selflessness or self sacrifice tends to feed and reinforce selfishness or self absorption on the other side. So codependency is not a balanced dynamic and it's not something that we want to be shooting for in our relationships. And yet if you are someone with more anxious attachment patterns, you can easily veer into some of those behaviours. Again, not to conflate anxious attachment and codependency, although I think certainly people with more anxious patterns would be more prone to ending up in codependent dynamics and relationships. But we can see some of the other things I've spoken about many times on the show.
[00:06:46]:
Things like over giving, over functioning, tiptoeing around someone's sensitivities, walking on eggshells, trying to insulate someone from the consequences of their own behaviour, trying to stabilise someone's emotional state, and really working hard to do all of that are all symptoms of what we might call codependency. In essence, it's by taking care of you, I am taking care of myself, that if I can make you be stable and your needs taken care of, then that will have some trickle down effect to me and I will be safe in some way. At the other end of the spectrum is hyper independence. And this is very much the classic more dismissive, avoidant pattern of I don't need anybody and we should all be responsible for our own needs and be these very discreet units and we can be in relationship with each other, but ultimately we're not responsible for each other in any way. And so I don't need anything from you and I don't expect you to want or need anything from me. I expect you to take care of yourself in large part, okay? And so this type of person tends to be very averse to the idea of someone wanting or needing things from them, can be quite almost turned off or repulsed by the idea of someone being needy. Their threshold for what neediness entails is very low and there can be a lot of almost content or disdain for the idea of people having needs and being vulnerable in that way. So I think what a lot of anxious people do is they see someone's hyper independence and they go, wow, you have such good boundaries, or you're so secure because you are so independent.
[00:08:37]:
And that tends to be a slight misconstruction of what security means because really one of the hallmarks of secure attachment is I'm comfortable relying on others and having them rely on me. I can take care of my own needs, but I don't feel the need to do that either from a place of self protection or from martyrdom, which are kind of the two flavours you might see in anxious or avoidant people. It's this sense of I'm not grasping or clutching at someone from this survival driven place of neediness and fear, but equally I'm comfortable in the idea of leaning on people and being supported and offering my support in return. So there's this really beautiful experience of balance and trust that comes with secure attachment and interdependency. So let's go through some of the signs of healthy interdependencies and things you might look out for in your relationships. Or perhaps as I share these, you might go, oh, okay, that's where we're a little off the mark and where we need to be stepping more towards in the way that we relate to each other. So the first sign that I want to offer is both persons needs matter as much as the others, so we are committed not only do I care about my needs and advocating for my needs, but I really want your needs to be met and vice versa. We both have this same mindset of elevating both of our needs to this level of high priority, right? Because we both understand and recognise that the success of our relationship depends on both of us feeling loved, cared for, respected, admired, supported and so we are really actively nurturing and nourishing those things again and it has to go both ways.
[00:10:27]:
This is very important because as soon as we've got one person who's doing that and going, oh, I'm very invested in you getting your needs met but it doesn't come back the other way, then we're back in codependency territory, right? So it has to be I care a lot about my needs and your needs and you have to care about both of our needs as well and that's what brings us into this space of interdependency rather than being one of the other expressions of either codependency or hyper independence. So this is also a departure from what I often see, which is mostly with anxiously attached people just because that's the bulk of who I work with. But people assuming that needs and this tussle of my needs versus your needs has to be a zero sum game with a winner and a loser. And that is very much an insecure mindset and way of relating to needs. Whereas healthy interdependency is we don't have to have a winner and a loser. We don't have to sacrifice one person's well being in order for the other person's well being or needs or desires or preferences to be catered to. We're both really actively invested in finding solutions that are really good for both of us, not just we're both compromising to some watered down version of what truly works. We find something that feels good for us both rather than who gets to win.
[00:11:50]:
What about me? Why should they get their way? All of those things. If you're hearing that and going, yeah, that's my internal dialogue as it is for a lot of people with more anxious, avoided and insecure patterns, that's really what we want to shift away from, because the more we're entrenched in that oppositional mentality, of course, all of these conversations, it doesn't feel safe. It doesn't feel like we can trust, because we feel like we've got to protect our interests and fiercely advocate for our position against the position or the interests of someone else. And it's almost like a debate, right? Why I should win instead of you, why I'm right and you are wrong. Interdependency is really putting that to the side and going, okay, we might have a departure in how we view this situation or how our needs interact here what would be a really great path forward that honours both of us and really elevates both of our needs to this place of really important. We both really are invested in both of us getting our needs met and how can we be creative in finding a solution from that starting point and that intention. Okay, the next sign of healthy interdependency that I want to share is you take turns being in the support role. Okay? Picking up the slack.
[00:13:08]:
When one person is stressed, the other really rises to the occasion and supports them and tunes in and goes, oh, my partner's stress. How can I support them? And you take turns in that. I think what often happens, again in more anxious, avoidant dynamics, in more codependent patterns, if we want to use that terminology, is one person is the one who's always stressed and the other person is always in the support role. And that again leads to a very imbalanced dynamic where one person is orbiting around the other and tiptoeing around them and trying to preempt their needs and try to anticipate what might be stressing them out and how to solve it, and then they get lost in the process. Right? The internal dialogue or the internal script might be like, well, what about me? Who's going to care for me? Who's going to support me? Who's going to look out for me? And I say that having thought and felt that many times myself. So I understand this deeply, but I also recognise that we have to recalibrate that and part of it. If you're the person who tends to always be in the support role, a big part of your work is learning how to receive support because it's much more comfortable. If that's always been your role to be helping, to be supporting, to be caring, it's much more vulnerable to say, hey, I could really use some support.
[00:14:26]:
I could really use some extra care and attention because I'm stressed or my capacity is low and it would feel so nourishing to my system to just feel really held and cared for. So helping Interdependency looks like tag teaming on that, right? One person picks up the slack when the other feels a little low or a little stretched or a little underresourced. It's not about perfect equality, but an overall impression of fairness, right? We're not point scoring because we both trust in the fact that the other will have our back. And so we can really go between that in this beautifully fluid, trusting way without, again, having that oppositional mentality of, it's either me or you. Either I support you or I get supported, but not both. And really, interdependency is living in the land of both. Okay? The next sign of healthy interdependency is you play to your respective strengths and you work really well as a team. So it's in a similar vein, right? You don't have to be point scoring, you don't have to be saying, I always do that, and you always do this, and comparing and competing.
[00:15:35]:
You recognise that you each have your strong suits and you really slot into those roles in a way that allows you to function really effectively as a team and recognising those strengths and really playing into them, into your complementarity as a team and going, oh, okay, we work better when we are in this together and really feeling that. So, again, it's this idea of we don't have to go one or the other. We don't have to be keeping tally or score. We don't have to feel like we're protecting our interests or looking over our shoulder. It's like, yeah, we know how to do this dance in a way where we both feel supported and successful and like, we can really be a well oiled machine from this place and feel really held and supported. Okay. And the final sign that I wanted to share with you, and I should have said this is by no means an exhaustive list, it's just a few of the things you might want to look out for. You both really want to know if something's bothering the other person.
[00:16:41]:
Okay? So there is no conflict aversion in this space. There's no sense of, do we have to talk about it or tiptoeing around it, or oh, I don't want to upset them, or I don't want them to feel bad, so I won't raise it, or I don't want them to take it the wrong way. All of that anxiety around raising a concern. There is this sense in the relationship, this culture of we absolutely, both of us, want to know if something is bothering the other, if there's an unmet need, if there's resentment building. We are both really proactive in cleaning house, so to speak, in, can we bring these things to the surface and bring them to each other? Because we want to be I think, of the visual of there being a pane of glass between us that represents our relationship. And if there are, like smudges or little things building on that pane of glass, we want to keep it clean and clear so that the energy between us is really good and we know that we work well from that space. But when things start to build up and we just ignore them or we sweep them under the rug or we turn away, we avoid that really builds up over time. And healthy, interdependency, secure, functioning couples really are so committed to the ongoing care and maintenance of their relationship such that we turn towards those things and we call it out.
[00:18:06]:
And there's enough trust in the relationship that it's not received as an attack. It's not, oh, here we go again. We have to talk about it. It's like, oh, please point out my blind spots. Please let me know where I'm missing things, because I want us to thrive. And that requires both of us to be feeling overall a sense of fairness and love and connection and support in the relationship. Now, this isn't to say that people with secure patterns in their relationship or healthy interdependency are perfectly, 100% connected and happy with each other all of the time. Of course not.
[00:18:38]:
That is unrealistic. No one is suggesting that. But there is an overall culture and climate of trust and respect and care and commitment in the relationship that allows you to approach all of these things, whether it's conflict or discussions of needs or boundaries or concerns. Desires. Preferences with a tone of openness and a prioritisation of those things as being in the interests of both of you and the relationship and really making that your joint commitment and mission to always be pruning the garden, cleaning that pane of glass and investing in the relationship. Because you both know that you benefit from the relationship thriving. So I hope that's given you a feel for what healthy interdependency looks like and how it's different from more codependent patterns or hyper independence and how you might start to make some shifts in your relationship to step off the ledge at those two extremes and make your way towards a more healthy middle ground. So if you've enjoyed this episode, as always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews or five star ratings.
[00:19:52]:
If you're listening on Spotify, it helps so much in continuing to grow the podcast, and I'm so grateful for your ongoing support. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Retroactive Jealousy: Navigating Discomfort With Our Partner's Past
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
Retroactive jealousy is one that focuses on the past, fixating on other partners or stages in your partner's lives and being threatened by it. In today’s conversation, I’ll dive into how such jealousy stirs immense stress, but more importantly, we share insights into building healthier, more resilient relationships.
We’ll cover:
Impacting our self worth
Looking for skeletons and reasons to not trust
If you should share the jealousy with your partner
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about retroactive jealousy, which for anyone who's not familiar with the term, refers to being preoccupied with jealousy about the past and particularly in the context of a relationship about your partner's past and maybe their past relationships. So this is something that a lot of people reach out to me about and I receive a lot of questions about. It can look like a comparison with a partner's exes or just obsessive preoccupation with what came before you and I think to the point where it can feel really all-consuming and can be really feeding a lot of insecurity. In the relationship and can really impact our connection and all of the other good things that we would want to be cultivating in our relationship in the present moment.
[00:01:18]:
It really can take us out of the here and now and create so much stress in our bodies and in our relationship with our partners when we're obsessing about things that may or may not have happened in the past. So I'm going to be talking a little bit about that today, why you might experience that and some ways that you can process it and work through it. And hopefully that will give you a little bit more context. For it and allow you to feel a bit more supported and able to work through those things as and when they arise rather than just panicking or spiralling or feeding all of those obsessive thoughts in a way that ultimately doesn't get you what you're wanting. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to say that my building Trust Masterclass, which I ran recently, if you're someone who really struggles with jealousy and you want to be able to reframe the way that you relate to trust within yourself and in your relationship, that might be a good one to cheque out. If the content of today's episode resonates with you and you know that trust is an area that you could use some additional support in, then definitely cheque out the building Trust Masterclass as it's very much a deep dive on all things trust, both self trust and relational trust. Okay, so let's talk about retroactive jealousy.
[00:02:41]:
As I said in the introduction, retroactive jealousy is jealousy about things that have happened in the past. And particularly when we're talking about it in a relationship, it's usually referring to things that have happened in your partner's past. So maybe their past relationships or other chapters of their life that preceded your relationship and feeling really jealous about that. I think it's important to set the scene in this conversation and normalise that for all of us. I think we can have this irrational possessiveness to varying degrees, where we might not love the idea of our partner having been in past relationships or having had sexual partners or other experiences in their life that predated us, particularly if we're hearing about that in any detail. I think it's pretty normal to have a level of discomfort or something within you that isn't crazy about hearing about those things, doesn't love it. But I think when we're talking about retroactive jealousy in the context of this discussion, it's really more than that, right? It's not mild discomfort, it's really fixating on it, becoming quite threatened by it. So feeling like your partner's past is in some way threatening to your relationship in the present and all of the things that go along with that.
[00:03:59]:
So feeling like you need to gather all of the information and know all of the details and maybe stalk your partner's exes or compare yourself to them. Find all of this data on them so that you can assess. The level of risk, which I think is a good warning sign that there's more going on there for us when we notice those behaviours come up. I think that's where it goes from being a normal, understandable level of discomfort to okay, this is really being driven by some fear and insecurity in me. And what might that be about? Can I get a little curious? So I think there are a few different possible causes of retroactive jealousy or reasons we might feel that way or struggle with that in our relationships. I think an obvious one is unworthiness and insecurity. So I think this particularly arises where we feel very threatened by a partner's exes. And I can't tell you every single time I put up a question box on Instagram, I will get at least five questions that are about comparison with exes.
[00:05:03]:
How do I make my peace with the fact that my partner had these exes and these relationships and thinking they're prettier than me? And how do I not feel bad? How do I not compare myself? Why do I need to be convinced and reassured that my partner loves me more than they ever loved their exes? All of these kind of quite obsessive, controlling thoughts around needing to be better than or different than and being persuaded of why we are more valuable than as if we are in direct competition with the past. And I think that to try and rationalise that is not really engaging with the fact that it isn't rational, right? Of course it's not really rational. In most cases it's quite emotional. But for whatever reason, we've got this story that we are unworthy or there's something wrong with us or we don't have enough to offer as a partner. And so our partner's exes might emerge as our competition because we have evidence of the fact that our partner was attracted to them, that they might be our partner's type, so to speak, that they had a relationship. So, okay, my partner loved that person at one point. Why am I better than them? Am I better than them? And if not, how can I be better than them? How can I make them worse than me so that I feel safe and secure in my relationship? And I think that again, while we can have self compassion for our unworthiness and whatever might drive us to those sorts of thoughts and patterns, I think we really need to recognise that at the relationship that we're in, our partner is in that relationship because they want to be in that relationship with us. And so it's not really useful or relevant to be obsessing over their past relationships because it's just extraneous to what is right now in the present.
[00:06:54]:
And I think that really, as I said, what that tells us is that we have some work to do on our self worth. Because I think if you were comfortable and confident in who you are and what you have to offer, kind of your value proposition as a partner, then all of that other extraneous stuff becomes much less relevant. And you can trust in the fact that your partner loves you and is choosing you and wants to be with you because of what you bring to the table. Right? Rather than thinking that you are unworthy and feeling very threatened by things that may have happened in the past or your partner's past relationships. I think that the other thing to add there is this can be exacerbated if a partner's ex is still an active part of their life. So if they still have an ongoing relationship, maybe if they were broken up with and they didn't want the relationship to end, maybe it took them a long time to recover. I think it's understandable that you might have some fears around what if they still love them, what if they want to get back together with them? All of those things, right? Again, I think are fairly normal fears to have. But ultimately we do just want to bring ourselves back to the present and be grounding ourselves in what we can see and the evidence that we actually have, which is that our partner is choosing us and that we are in relationship with them and reminding ourselves of all that we have to offer.
[00:08:20]:
And really doing that work on building self worth as well, which I think as I said, is a big part of it. I think the other kind of expression of retroactive jealousy outside of feeling threatened by past partners or past relationships, you might feel threatened by past chapters of your partner's life. So they might not be so much romantic experiences so much as like if they had a wild time in their twenty s or they used to party really hard or go and have all of these experiences that feel threatening to you in some way. Whether it brings up fears that they used to be out of control or that maybe they struggled with certain substances or any number of other things that feel like skeletons in their closet, I think that we can feel kind of uncomfortable with that because it feels so out of our control. And I think this is probably true for what I was saying earlier around the exes as well. This retroactive jealousy is we know that jealousy is a response to feeling like there's some sort of outside threat to the relationship. And I think when something is in the past and it predates our relationship with that person, our information is always going to be imperfect. So there's a lot of uncertainty, there are a lot of unknowns and that can lead us to feel very out of control and like we don't have the situation under our control and that can feel intensely vulnerable.
[00:09:43]:
So when there are all these unknowns, these blanks, our brain will often fill them in with really catastrophic interpretations rather than just looking at the facts at hand and recognising that that's not really relevant to right here, right now. The relationship that we're in with the person as they are today, we can obsess over looking for cobwebs, looking for skeletons, looking for signs that something dangerous or bad is lurking that we're unaware of and that we're going to be caught off guard. And so I think that when we can get really hyper vigilant around someone's past, it's often that part of us that struggles to trust, that is looking for evidence that something bad's going to happen, the other shoe is going to drop. What is it that I'm missing? What are you hiding from me? All of those thoughts that are often coming from that place. And so, again, while we can see that and it's always this interplay of how much we are willing or able to trust and how trustworthy the other person has proven themselves to be, I think if it is retroactive meaning it's not based on your current experience of this person. We do have to take a level of responsibility for that possibly being our stuff more than it is theirs. Because I don't think that you can punish someone for their life before you and the fact that they had a life before you. That doesn't strike me as fair or reasonable.
[00:11:10]:
Now, I suppose that leads to the question of should you share this with your partner if you're experiencing retroactive jealousy, and I think you certainly can, you can share it. But I would say, as always, share it in full recognition of the fact that part of it is your stuff. I think that's a good rule of thumb, saying, I noticed that when I hear about your exes, it's a bit uncomfortable for me. I feel a little bit threatened or insecure. And I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong, obviously, but I notice that that gets a bit of a reaction from me, and I'm trying to work through that or something. You can share it to the extent that you want to let them in on your experience and give them a little more context for why something is hard for you, but at the same time I don't think you want to be shoving it in their face and going, tell me why I'm better than her. I've again had questions from people who've described situations to me where they frequently ask their partner for reassurance that they love them more than and differently than they love their ex and explain to me all of the reasons why you want me and not them. And I think that that kind of dynamic is not healthy and it's not fair.
[00:12:27]:
And if we're in that, we really need to own that. That is our fear that's driving the bus there and we need to really prioritise working on our self worth so that we're not so obsessed by and consumed by these imaginary threats to the relationship that aren't even present day realities. And I think that as I said, when we are in that level of just obsessive intrusive thoughts about the past, that it's probably a warning sign for something else, whether that's within the relationship or within ourselves or some combination of the two. Usually we're just in threat mode and so we're going hunting for confirmation of our fears. And so again, I think we can take those feelings of jealousy and the fears that go with them and maybe the behaviours that they're driving as feedback for what's underneath it and go okay, something needs my attention here and how can I offer myself something, some work, a conversation, some self compassion? But how can I use this as feedback for what's going on for me and actually tend to the underlying fear or wound rather than just obsessing over these surface level things and feeding that loop and keeping myself really stuck in an insecure place that's ultimately harming me and my relationships. So I hope that that has been a helpful, albeit brief introduction to this topic of retroactive jealousy. And I do want to say, as I said at the start, if it's something that you experience or have experienced, it is pretty common. But obviously, and I've said this before on the topic of jealousy more broadly, jealousy is a very fundamental human emotion.
[00:14:16]:
It's part of the human experience. But obviously it can be taken to extremes and some of us can experience jealousy to degrees that really do get in the way of our relationships and just consume so much of our mental and emotional energy to the point where we feel really just totally exceeded our capacity. And so I think that if this specific flavour of jealousy is one that you struggle with. You don't need to shame yourself for it, but it is something that you might want to pay attention to and get really curious about and ask the question, what is this really about for me? Where are all of these perceived threats coming from? And what would I need to feel or think or believe in order to not feel so threatened by the past? What am I making my partner's past mean about them or about me or about the relationship that is feeling so threatening and causing me to think and act in this way? So getting a bit curious and doing the work around that, because I think that you'll be much better for it if you can reach a place of relative peace with the past, rather than feeling like you need to control it or eliminate any risks to do with your partner's history. So I do hope this has been helpful. As always, very grateful if you can leave a review or a rating. It does help me so much in continuing to get the word out about the podcast, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:46]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deep on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
How to navigate being newly single in my mid-30s? I feel like I'm out of time
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
With societal pressures and a ticking clock, being newly single in your mid-30s can be challenging. In today’s episode, I want to share advice on navigating being newly single and the mindset for dating, and honouring the desires you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed.
We’ll cover:
Grieving a future you thought you would have
The opportunity for reframe
Comparisons to other people’s lives
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Use the code PHOENIX for $150 off the Higher Love Course
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid-30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniergg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self confidence and our self worth self esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely check that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid-30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenties and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long-term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is the grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards-looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long-term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white-knuckle it through, but it's probably a short-term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to-do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlight reel and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well-being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into scarcity and into fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course, we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid-thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co-creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course, we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid-30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question-asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to check out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
The Importance of Separateness in Relationship
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
As an anxiously attached person, space in a relationship can sometimes feel like the biggest threat. In today’s episode, I’m sharing my own experience with this and advice on how you can consciously choose space and separateness to foster greater intimacy in your relationship, especially in a time where you may feel more drawn to stay connected.
We’ll cover:
Wanting to close the gap and be closer
Advice for how to reset and nurture separateness
Things to do to focus on your own self-trust and security
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about the importance of separateness in relationship. So again, for people who tend more towards anxious attachment, separateness is a big part of the growing that we do on the path to greater security. And figuring out where that balance lies of togetherness and separateness can be really, really liberating and can allow you to access much more peace and internal security in your relationship in a way that allows you to really trust that you're okay on your own. As I've talked about so many times before on the show, it's really easy to have the story and the belief that you need your partner in order to be okay and that anything that threatens the connection or the relationship feels incredibly distressing and leads to all of those anxious attachment. Typical behaviours of how do I close the gap, how do I get us back into connection, because anything other than that sends me spiralling.
[00:01:35]:
And of course, you don't need me to tell you that that's a really challenging way to live. I know that you know that. And so I think one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to cultivate greater confidence around separateness while in relationships. So being really comfortable in yourself and having a clearly differentiated sense of self and cultivating more of a practise around being alone and doing things by yourself so that you can really stand on your own 2ft and feel like you are in your relationship from a place of choice rather than a place of need and desperation. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this today, including some sharings of my own experience with this, which is ongoing, but something that I found to be really, really fruitful and really a positive impact on my relationship in more consciously and deliberately choosing space and separateness as a way to actually foster greater intimacy. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just sharing the featured review for today. This was quite a long one, so I'm going to snip it a little.
[00:02:49]:
Thanks Stephanie, for the enlightening and safe service you provide to help guide us through new and old territory. I'm so glad that I found your show at a time when I'm navigating new terrain with a new kit bag of tools that gives me insights to understand myself in challenging yet sensitive ways. Thanks for giving so honestly and intuitively. It's like you're following my new relationship life from afar. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so honoured to hear that it's been such a source of safety and support for you. And if you want to send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com, if that was your review, my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses. Okay, so let's talk about separateness in relationship.
[00:03:30]:
Now, as I alluded to in the introduction, for most of us who tend towards more anxious patterns our default is to avoid separateness to gravitate towards closeness, the closer the better and wanting that proximity as much of the time as possible without veering too much off topic. You may have heard me say before that this makes a lot of sense in the context of the anxious attachment, origin story and blueprint which is I feel really, really good and safe when we're connected. But I can't trust in the reliability of you being there when I need you. And so I cling to you and don't want to let go because I don't know that if we're apart that we will be able to come back together when I need you. And so the anxiously attached person has this aversion to time apart, to separateness, to space in relationship and a strong preference for togetherness and particularly in any sort of stress. The overwhelming urge will be how do I close the gap? How do I seek proximity and how do I reestablish safety for myself via being connected to you? And of course, there's an element of very primal human drive in that that's not in and of itself a problem to be solved, but it can be taken to extremes. And again, you don't need me to tell you that being completely reliant on connection with someone and needing to be with them all the time in order to feel safe can be really stressful and vulnerable. Not in the way that we really want, not the type of vulnerability that we're trying to foster more, the vulnerability of powerlessness and feeling very out of control, feeling like we are at the mercy of someone else to determine whether or not we can feel okay on a moment to moment basis.
[00:05:30]:
So a huge part of the work in cultivating greater security as someone with anxious attachment patterns is figuring out how to have this differentiated sense of self going what if this is me? And what if this is you? And what if this is us? And knowing where those lines fall and actually being really comfortable in selfhood, in going yeah, here are my values, here are my needs, here are my preferences, here are my opinions, here is who I am as distinct from you. And being really comfortable in holding that and being with that and advocating for yourself from that really grounded place, that is such a big part of it. And that's why I speak so much about self worth and self trust and self respect. It's all self centred, quite literally, because for the anxiously attached person there is such a disconnection from self. And so that is where a lot of the rebuilding work has to happen first and foremost. And so this concept of separateness I think that when things are hard in relationship and today's topic is really I suppose it's broad advice but it's particularly useful when things are feeling strained in your relationship. And that's really the area for me where I have put this into practise and seen really great ripple effect for my relationship is think when we are in a long term relationship we can get really cosy. And that's something that's very beautiful about long term relationships, is that they get safe and they get comfortable and at the same time, we can just be really in each other's physical space, in each other's emotional space, in each other's energetic space in a way where we just start to feel really blended and enmeshed with each other.
[00:07:22]:
And again, while there's some beautiful cosy aspects to that, it can also feel a bit stuffy sometimes. And when we add to that any sort of stress or strain, if we have relationship challenges that we're actively working through and the domain of the relationship feels bogged down in the heaviness of that maybe you've got recurring conflicts or areas that you're trying to improve and you just feel like you're having the same conversation over and over and over again. And it's just like the whole tone of the relationship gets really weighed down by all of that. For the anxiously attached person, the impulse is in those times of stress and strain to get even closer. Right? And I get that that's my impulse as well. But what I've actually found and the advice that I've since given to a lot of other people who've similarly found this to be very liberating and effective is to fight that impulse to go further in and actually do the opposite. So when things feel really heavy in the relationship, can you actually infuse some separateness? Can you oxygenate the relationship and see what happens from that place? Because I think it can be a really powerful reset at a time when we're otherwise just like all in each other's space and energy and the claws are in and we're really bogged down and it just feels really heavy. So what might separateness look like now? Of course there's extremes of taking time and space apart, taking a break.
[00:08:59]:
That's not really what I'm talking about here. Although that may be what you choose to do and that may be fruitful for you. I said that I'd share a bit about my experience with this. So earlier in the year, my partner and I were I wouldn't say going through a rough patch, but we were working through some stuff, and it felt heavy at times, and it felt like we were dragging ourselves back. To the dining table every couple of days to have these big, heavy, emotional conversations in a way that just really felt like it wasn't really connected in a way that felt nourishing, it was like we were connected through this pain that we were working through. And what I noticed for myself in that is that when things are hard, I just become obsessive about it, and I devote so much time and energy to thinking about what my partner's doing wrong or what he needs to be doing differently or all of the pros and cons of the situation. And it becomes all consuming in a way that, for me at least, I don't think is helpful because it's just like, it occupies so much space within me that it becomes magnified. Right.
[00:10:08]:
The issue itself just becomes like, oh, this is global, and it's catastrophic, and it's urgent, and I've got to find a solution, and from that place, I can get very controlling and get very just really stressed. And so what I decided to do for myself was to kind of just let go. And again, this is not natural, right? It's not easy if you have anxious attachment patterns that tell you that's the last thing you need to be doing when things are hard, that's when you need to amp up your controllingness and make sure that you can steer the situation in the direction that you want it to go. But what I did was the opposite of that. It was like, okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop pulling you up on this thing. I'm going to stop hovering over you and making sure that you're doing what you said you were going to do and being accountable and stop dragging you into these big conversations. I'm actually just going to focus on me.
[00:11:05]:
Okay, so what do I need? What does thriving and well being look and feel like for me at this point in my life? And how can I really invest in that? Because the more that I devote this energy into trying to fix my partner, fix my relationship, control, it really takes me away from that, and it subtly reinforces the message that that's how I create safety for myself, that being okay is something that I derive from my relationship being a certain way. And that's not again, it's not a very empowering place to be. It's actually very disempowering because it's like kind of banging my head up against a brick wall and then becoming frustrated and blaming my partner and all of that stuff. Right. I'm sure we've all been there in various expressions in various ways. So practically, what did this look like for me? I booked a trip, which I'm going on in a couple of weeks. I'm going to a retreat in Europe on my own. My partner also booked and went on a retreat by himself to the States.
[00:12:11]:
And I started focusing on all of these other things, like, what can I be doing to take care of myself, to nourish myself in a way that is not about controlling my partner or trying to fix and problem solve my relationship. So really focusing on exercise and health and healthy habits and just really, how can I go all in on myself in this period of time, in this period of my life when things feel hard and trusting that from that place there's really nothing bad that can come of that, right? Again, it's not the impulse. The impulse is to focus on the other person. But the real medicine is often in focusing on ourselves and going all in on ourselves. Because not only does that take some of the heavy energy away from the relationship and alleviate some of that burden that's in the relational sphere, but it'll never be a bad outcome from really backing yourself and taking care of yourself. Because even if things don't get better in your relationship, how much better off are you for having invested that time and energy in yourself? You're much more likely to then be able to stand on your own 2ft and go, you know what? No matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. Because look at this really rich and beautiful life that I've cultivated. And that's not to say that this is a stepping stone to your relationship ending.
[00:13:30]:
That's not the objective and it's certainly not my personal experience. My partner and I are still very much together, but it has lightened things a lot and it has allowed us to really appreciate each other more because we're more deliberately creating lives that aren't completely enmeshed. So giving ourselves more opportunity to do things separately, to have separate interests, to take trips separately, all of those things. It's like, oh, we're giving each other an opportunity to miss each other. Creating that oxygen in the relationship and also being reminded of why we love each other and why we're choosing each other is I think that I was saying this to a client just yesterday. It's like if the only thing keeping the relationship intact is control and gripping and that really heavy, bogged down energy of like, we just have to keep working at this no matter what, in a way that feels really like sinking your claws in. That's not really a nice energy to be in relationship from. I don't know about you, but I'd much rather be in relationship as two people who have a sense of wholeness and integrity and are actively choosing each other.
[00:14:45]:
Not from a place of frantic, desperate need, but from a place of really grounded, embodied, loving openness, of I love you. I'm here because I want to be here and not because I'm terrified of the alternative. And I think that cultivating separateness is a beautiful way to reach that point. And if it doesn't go that way, if you have more space in the relationship and you feel like that leads to the relationship changing or ending, that's okay too. Because that's just revealing the truth. Of what was there. And that's, I would say, the best outcome to realise that in that space and separateness, that maybe it wasn't working or it wasn't what you wanted. That truth already exists.
[00:15:29]:
It's just obscured by all of the stress and the fear at the moment. So if that's where you land in having this separateness, then so be it, right? That's probably a liberating truth to really land upon. So I hope that this has given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, it's, as I said, the opposite of what you want, but it's a really, really beautiful practise and it's something that you can play with in really minor ways. As I said, you don't have to take a break, you don't have to be really drastic, but just bringing even some more awareness to it. How much separateness do I have in my relationship? Or have I just become fused with my partner in a way that, of course I feel completely dependent on them and terrified of not having them if I've come to navigate my entire identity via them and us. So having a clearly demarcated sense of self and a deep self trust of, like, I have the capacity to create a beautiful life no matter what's going on in my relationship, whether I'm in this relationship or not. Of course I can love my partner and I can choose to be in my relationship and commit to that, but it's not my lifeline, it's not this sense of panic and terror at the idea of not being in my relationship.
[00:16:45]:
Because, again, that is a really reliable way to self abandon. And to lose yourself in partnership is to feel like, if I'm not with you, I'll die. And that can be the underlying script of a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, grateful if you can leave a review or a rating, share it with someone who you think might enjoy it or benefit from it. All of that really helps so much and I'm so grateful for you. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:17:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or it's Stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
How to Help a Partner Struggling with their Mental Health
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
Looking out for someone who you care for that is going through a hard time is a challenge most of us will have to face in our lifetimes. But feelings of threat to the relationship, especially as an anxious attached person may come up in these times, and I want to help you navigate through these while prioritising your wellbeing, and not overstepping.
We’ll cover:
Monitoring your “fixing” the situation
Ways to support someone and yourself
How you can be a balanced supportive person
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering the listener’s question of how to support a partner who's struggling with their mental health. So I think that given the prevalence of mental health challenges, there's a good chance that all of us will encounter this situation in some form at some point in our lives, if we haven't already having to be the support person for someone that we really care about. And I should say at the outset, this listener question was in the context of a romantic relationship. But most of what I'm going to share today could be applied to any relationship, whether that's a friend, a family member or someone else.
[00:01:08]:
But most all of us will be confronted with the situation of having someone that we care about who's going through a hard time and having to navigate all of the conflicting feelings and boundary struggles and the push pulls that can come with that. Because, spoiler alert, that can be a really complicated emotional terrain to try and navigate. We can feel immense worry and concern and care and really want to be able to help someone, but maybe also feel frustrated by them not taking the steps that we think that they should be taking or them not making progress at the rate that we would like. Wondering whether we should be holding out hope for things to change. Juggling wanting to be sensitive to the ways in which they're struggling against the very real impact that's having on us and concerns that we have in that department. There is a lot of really conflicting stuff that goes into that kind of dynamic. And while today's episode is not going to give you the solution or give you total clarity over what to do, if that's a situation that you find yourself in, I'm hoping that the discussion will at least give you some markers. Things to look out for, things to be aware of, and maybe some permission slips in terms of how you can care for yourself in that dynamic and how you might navigate setting boundaries with someone who you care about but who's going through a hard time.
[00:02:39]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share today's featured review, which is longtime listener, first time reviewer. I've been listening for over a year now, and I've shared with friends, family members and partners alike. I've also begun re listening to old episodes when I find myself repeating unpleasant patterns. This podcast has dramatically influenced my approach to relationships for the better, and I can't recommend it highly enough. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you for that beautiful review and for your longtime support. I really appreciate it so much and I'm glad that the podcast has been a supportive resource for you throughout the past year, but throughout different seasons and different relationships, I really do appreciate it so much.
[00:03:20]:
So if that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierieg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes as a way to say thank you, I should say my Building Trust Masterclass, which I held last week, is now available for purchase on my website, The Recording. And so whoever's review gets read out, you can choose from that, in addition to my other three Masterclasses that are available. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how to support someone who's struggling with their mental health. And I do want to just frame the discussion with a few disclaimers, as I am known to do, but I think for something that is delicate like this, it's important to get clearer around what we are talking about and what we're not talking about. And what I'm not talking about today is any specific diagnosable mental health condition that's outside the scope of my work and it's not my area of expertise. So please know that I'm not giving specific advice around how to manage someone with X condition. And really the focus of what I'm going to be sharing today is not on them, but on you. Because as much as we can hold the intention of how can I best support someone, I think it's really, really important to make sure that you are best supporting yourself and not losing yourself to that dynamic.
[00:04:41]:
And this is particularly so if you are someone who tends more towards anxious attachment patterns because you probably don't need me to tell you that your default mode, your starting position is to forget yourself and to really orbit around someone else's needs. And that can go into overdrive. When the person that you care about, the person that you love, is in need and is suffering, that can really activate a lot of your fears, a lot of your patterns and wiring around. Caretaking not only from the point of view of really wanting to help someone, but also because it can feel really destabilising for the person that you are in an intimate relationship with, who you rely upon, who you depend on to be unwell and to be struggling. Because that will most often take you out of connection in some way. And it can feel like for as long as they are in that state, your relationship is threatened in some way or is impacted and that makes them unavailable to you as a supportive present partner. So it is really challenging, undeniably. As I said, I think we will all experience this at one point or another and of course, to varying degrees, again, as I alluded to when I'm giving disclaimers around this.
[00:06:02]:
There's a huge spectrum of mental illness or mental health challenges and that can vary in severity by a huge margin. So I think the overarching message that I want to give someone who's saying, how can I support my partner who's struggling with their mental health, I think you have to get really clear around the allocation of responsibility, and this is true for relationships more broadly and figuring out what healthy interdependency looks like. But I think that having clarity around what is within my control and what is appropriately mine to be responsible for and what sits outside of that ambit of control and responsibility. Because, again, when we're worried about someone else that we care about and we're worried about the impact that that has on us, it's really easy to overstep that line and to try and fix it again, it's not something to be ashamed of, I'm very guilty of this. It's something that I still have to monitor in myself, because not only all of my skill set, my personality, my attachment patterns, but also my family system has really conditioned me into being the fixer and the one who goes and takes care and kind of launches in when someone's in need or someone's struggling. And how do I make that better for them? But I also recognise what that has cost me throughout my life, to be in that self appointed role of making everyone's pain go away. It's a really easy way to lose yourself and I think underneath that, there can be a real sense of resentment or unfairness or injustice, because we end up feeling like, who's going to care for me? What about me? And I've certainly had that internal dialogue when I've been in that carer role in my relationships. It's like I spend so much time focusing on you and how I'm going to make you better and stabilise you, and there's a part of me that's terrified and lonely and worried of who's going to be that for me.
[00:08:06]:
So I think that recognising as a first port of call, the importance of figuring out what you are responsible for, which is you and the way that you show up and how you take care of yourself in that dynamic, your own boundaries, I think that's a really important first step. And it's not going to be easy because, as I said, every urge within you, if you tend more towards anxious patterns of caretaking and managing other people and their emotions, will be telling you to roll up your sleeves and get in there and fix it. But that comes at a cost. So I think having some clarity around that and practically speaking, I think what that can look like is it's not a pendulum swing to the other extreme of not being caring, not being helpful, not being supportive, not being available and leaving someone to their own devices and saying, this is not my problem. Again, that tends to be bouncing between extremes and that's not what we're trying to do here. But I think saying something along the lines of I can see that you're really struggling and that makes me really sad or It really hurts me to see you like this, please let me know how I can support you, full stop. I think that most of us go how can I support you? And then someone says I'm fine. And we go no you're not.
[00:09:21]:
And we keep pushing and pushing and pushing. We don't really accept someone's limits as they've been articulated to us because we think we know better. And even if we do know better, even if our way might be healthier or more adaptive or whatever, I think it's a slippery slope to go down to bypass someone's what someone is telling us about whether they want our help and kind of barge through and try and help them indirectly or influence them indirectly or change them. Fix them, solve their problems. Usually that won't be welcome and then we'll be frustrated that they're not grateful for the help that they didn't want. So I think that that's kind of step one is like figure out what a balanced version of being a supportive partner, friend, family member, whatever situation you're looking at. What is a boundaried way of being available and supportive without rushing in and being the crisis emergency response person who just tries to fix everyone's problems and makes that your responsibility. The second one, which is also really around boundaries and taking care of yourself and this is where it gets really tricky.
[00:10:37]:
If someone's behaviour arising from whatever mental health struggles they're experiencing is unsafe in any way or is hurtful harmful, causes you pain. And again, please to be clear, I'm not talking about abusive situations. That is again outside the scope of my work. And if you are in that situation, I really encourage you to seek appropriate support. But short of that, if someone is just really disengaged, lacking in presence, unable to offer any connection or support or interest or presence, they're just not really being in a relationship that goes both ways. I think that there are conversations that need to be had around what you need in order for the relationship to feel viable and sustainable. And this brings up a lot of stuff, right when I was speaking about it in the introduction, those conflicting feelings of guilt but also resentment. I feel bad that I'm really unhappy in this relationship because I can see you're genuinely having a hard time.
[00:11:47]:
But equally, I can't just be in a relationship that's totally one sided with someone who's not really there in perpetuity, with no end in sight. And those are really challenging feelings to be with and to own. So I think that the original question that was asked had a follow up which was my partner won't go to therapy, how do I help them? How do I make them go to therapy? How do I make them do something? And I think that's where we can start to say to someone and I've said this to my partner, my current partner is like, I love you. I'm in this. And there are certain things that really don't work for me that I really need to know you're taking seriously and that you're working on so that I can trust that we're on a certain trajectory and that these recurring challenges that arise in our relationship from your mental health struggles, your anxiety, your struggles with managing stress. If you don't do anything about that, nothing's going to change. Of course. Right.
[00:12:58]:
I think that's just trite to say that if we're having struggles in any area of life and we're not changing any inputs to the system, it is irrational to expect any changes to the outputs, changes to our experience. So I've said that to my partner. It's not a threat, it's not an ultimatum, but it's just saying in order for me to feel comfortable continuing in this relationship, I need to have some assurance of what you are doing to support yourself in these areas where your struggles impact our relationship in a way that doesn't really work for me. And so being able to have those direct and frank conversations that are really framed in love and care, it's not hanging someone out in the cold. It's just saying, like, this is what's true. I love you, and I'm here to support you in any way I can, but here's what I need in return. And I think what that conversation looks like will again vary. There are a million different contextual factors that will determine what that conversation looks like.
[00:14:01]:
If you've been together for two months, it's going to look very different to if you've been together for ten years, if someone's having a depressive episode for a few weeks, versus if there's been real prolonged, extended, severe mental health struggles if someone is medicating, there are so many variables. So of course, everything that I'm saying is very much principles rather than directives that will be applicable to every situation and every variation on this. But really having those clear boundaries for yourself around what I'm responsible for and what I can control and what I can't, and then having clarity on what would allow me to feel comfortable that this is being managed in a way that I can feel safe and they kind of go hand in hand again. In my own relationship, my ability to not take responsibility for what my partner has struggled with, that was facilitated by knowing that he was getting help elsewhere. So it's like, okay, if you're going to therapy, then I don't feel like I need to step in and be your proxy therapist. If you've got a group or you've got a this or that, like if you've got support systems and you're being proactive about managing whatever it is that you're experiencing that gives me the comfort of things are happening. And it's not my responsibility to monitor that. It's not my responsibility to micromanage that.
[00:15:29]:
I don't need to take control. I don't need to take responsibility because I can trust that you are serious about this and you have the self awareness and the recognition and you are taking those steps to support yourself. And I think that really creates the safety of, okay, I can step back, I can focus on, I can stay in my lane a bit more without having to step into yours and try and take the reins because I don't trust in your capacity. So I hope that's been helpful just to give you something to think about again. I know I've said it ten times already in this short episode, but this is not going to apply to everyone, or at least you'll need to adapt this to your specific situation. But I hope that those principles have given you something to think about. And I think that those really will and should apply across the board these principles of figuring out where an appropriate allocation of responsibility sits in a way that allows you to really take care of yourself and prioritise your well being, not overstep and not get into that controlling micromanaging mode, which ultimately tends not to work because you just feel like a failure if things don't go your way and the other person feels like a failure because they feel like they're disappointing you and letting you down and also setting those boundaries for yourself. So what would I need in order for this to feel safe and sustainable for me? What would progress look like? What would support look like in a way that I can get comfortable with in order to continue in this relationship, notwithstanding the struggles that you're having.
[00:17:04]:
And also the corollary of that is ensuring that any behaviours that are harmful are really clearly there are very clear boundaries set around those in a way that doesn't allow them to continue despite the underlying challenges that the person might be having. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, so grateful. If you can leave a review or a five-star rating, depending on where you're listening, it all adds up and is very, very helpful and I'm so grateful for all of you tuning in. I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram at stephanie__rigg at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Break-Up Q&A: No-Contact, Reconciling, and Guilt
Ever wondered about the right way to navigate a breakup or considering reconciliation? Welcome back to 'On Attachment', where we unravel the realm of relationships, heartbreaks and new beginnings.
We're talking no-contact periods, emotional upheaval, and even the possibility of rekindling things with your ex. It's a tough road to tread, but we're here to walk you through it.
Ever wondered about the right way to navigate a breakup or considering reconciliation? Welcome back to 'On Attachment', where we unravel the realm of relationships, heartbreaks and new beginnings.
We're talking no-contact periods, emotional upheaval, and even the possibility of rekindling things with your ex. It's a tough road to tread, but we're here to walk you through it.
This episode will help you understand the necessity of space in healing, the art of breaking up without causing undue suffering, and the benefits of diversifying your support system.
But it's not all about goodbyes. We're also diving into the unpredictable waves of reconciliation. We'll guide you on understanding the reasons for your breakup, creating an action plan for success, and managing the disapproval from your inner circle. The journey to change isn't just about willpower, it's about working on yourself in meaningful ways. So, get ready to get comfortable with the discomfort and join us in building healthier, thriving relationships. Tune in, and let's grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
In today's episode, I am answering breakup questions, so I'm going to jump through a few different topics that are drawn from questions I've received from people in my Instagram community all around the topic of breakups. So it's been a while since I've done a combined Q A, but I think breakups is one of those areas where I always get a truckload of questions anytime I put the call out on Instagram. And so I thought that I'd combine several into one to be able to give you a little bit more breadth of support. If you are going through a breakup or you've been through one recently and you're looking for some advice, So we're going to be covering no contact periods.
[00:01:13]:
The idea of when and whether it's a good idea to think about reconciling with an ex, and what to do if you feel like you need to break up but you don't quite know how. So that's what we're going to be covering today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share the featured review for today, which is this resource has been a game changer for our relationship. Stephanie, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Much love. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad to hear that it's helped you to make real changes in your relationship. That's always very heartwarming for me to hear.
[00:01:46]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanie.com, and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Master classes. Okay, let's dive into these breakup questions. So the first one is, tell me more about no contact periods. How long should they be? When are they needed? Do we always need a no contact period? So for anyone who isn't familiar with this term, I mean, it's fairly straightforward. It's not the most cryptic of terms, but a no contact period is essentially after a breakup, the idea being that it's a good idea to take some time apart and take some space from each other and ideally, not be in contact during that time. Hence the name no contact. Go figure. Now, why is this something that so many people will advise, myself included? I think that in a lot of cases, staying in contact and in frequent communication in the wake of a relationship ending is likely to be confusing, even if intellectually rationally, you can wrap your head around why that might be.
[00:02:50]:
Emotionally, it keeps you tethered to this person in a way that might soften the blow in the short term and allow you to feel some relief from the grief and the loss and the confusion and all of the feelings that come with a breakup. But that relief comes at a cost, right? So the fact that you get some relief by staying connected to the person that you are grieving means that eventually you're going to have to do that work. And I think that the longer we stay in touch with someone, and particularly if the contact we're having is going back and forth and saying, I miss you and I don't know what to do without you and I'm so sorry and starts to get a bit emotionally mixed in terms of the messages, I think that can really prolong our pain and the time that it takes us to actually let go and move on. So of course there are a million different versions of this situation and I recognise that structural factors will prevent a no contact period for a lot of people. For example, if you live together, if you have shared assets that need to be divided, if you have kids, if you have pets, there are many reasons why a no contact period might not be appropriate for your situation. But in the absence of those things, I think that as hard as it is, it's usually a good idea to take at least a few months, if you can, to just turn your focus away from the other person. Away from the relationship and do your own work of grieving and healing and figuring out who you are and what your life looks like without it being about you, the couple and tending to them. I think relatedly, if you are playing the role of emotional support person to each other with respect to the breakup, that is going to be equally confusing and it really prevents you from decoupling emotionally in a way that will allow you to move on.
[00:04:53]:
So as hard as it is, I think recognising that you need to be diversifying your support system away from your ex partner in most cases, so that you can again figure out what it looks like to have someone. Else in that role, whether it's a friend or a family member or a therapist, but not leaning on this person who you've decided to no longer be in relationship with for whatever reason. I think that that will just confuse your emotional system in a way that doesn't ultimately help, even though it does provide some short term relief. So I think having a period of a few months and to address the question that I often get from people, which is, okay, it's been three months, should I reach out to them now? And I think that as much as I understand that if you are counting down to the end of the no contact period so that you can reach out to them again, I think you might be missing the point ever so slightly. So it's not so much about no contact and then all of a sudden we go back into frequent contact. It's giving myself the time and space to recalibrate my system and focus on me and my life. So it's not like, oh, I'm just watching the clock until the time runs out and then I can go back to talking to them all the time and pleading with them and telling them I miss them. If that's where you're at, then it might mean that you need more time and space or you need something else, but it's not so much no contact and then go straight back into it.
[00:06:28]:
So focus more on substance and less on form as far as the no contact period is concerned and go really feeling into what do I need to land on my own 2ft and figure out what this next chapter of my life looks like. And oftentimes having some space from the person we've been in partnership with is a good idea even though it is absolutely very challenging and will hurt and everything within you will be saying that it's a terrible idea, but it's usually the medicine that we don't like the taste of but is ultimately helpful for us. The next question is, is it ever a good idea to reconcile? When is it a good idea to reconcile? A related question I got was how do I go about reconciling when friends and family don't approve? It's a big topic, right? I have done a podcast episode probably close to a year ago now on questions to ask before getting back with an ex. And again, this is an area where there is no one size fits all answer. There are so many different situations that people are in and anytime I give any advice, people go but what about this? And but what about that? Yes, all of that, right? Of course I can't speak to every single situation and the advice that I usually give on getting back together with an ex is it has to be about more than that. You miss each other and you want it to be different, okay? Because when we've had time apart and we tend to have the stresses of the relationship alleviated by the distance and so all we feel is their absence and that hurts and we go, oh, I actually really miss this person. I love that person. I miss watching movies with them.
[00:08:10]:
And I miss when we used to go get coffee and all of the little things that we suddenly feel the lack of very acutely. And we just have this overwhelming urge to reconnect. And we want to believe that all of those things that I was angry about, I don't even care about anymore because I just miss you so much. And of course, that's such a tender feeling, and I understand it, and I've been there. And I think we have to shift into a more wise part of us that can see where that urge is coming from and recognise that in the absence of having done meaningful, substantive work to shift the dial on whatever had us stuck, pure willpower might not be enough to shift it. Willpower and intent and the desire to make change is really important and it's not to minimise that. But if you're both just like, oh, I miss you so much, let's try it again, I'm ready this time. Those sentiments are beautiful and important, but they're not enough without more.
[00:09:14]:
And so if it were me and I were thinking about reconciling, I would need a really, really clear action plan on how it's going to be different, why it's going to be different, what we're going to each do. Differently and how we're going to have accountability to each other and to ourselves on the things that we are no longer going to do and the things that we are absolutely committed to doing. I think without that and without having that really clearly articulated and agreed upon, then it is all too easy to ride the initial wave of relief at being back together, but then slip into the muscle memory of old patterns that we know so well and we just do so automatically. And again, it's not because we don't love each other, it's not because we don't want it to be different, but without really clear intentionality and accountability and a plan to make it happen, it's going to be really hard because the magnetic pull of our patterns is strong. So when is it a good idea to reconcile? When you're both on the same page around what went wrong and how you're going to do it differently and you have a really clear path forward that is going to prevent you from slipping back and that you can both feel really comfortable about? I think the related question of what do we do when friends and family don't approve? It's a tough one. So I think there's something to be said for having boundaries around. If people's judgement is such that it is an unwelcome imposition on what you know is right for you, then you might need to clearly set that boundary and say, look, I appreciate that you are coming from a place of love and care and at the same time, I've given a lot of thought to this and I'm comfortable with my decision. I really would love for you to respect that and to try and be open to it.
[00:11:06]:
That might be one thing, I suppose the other thing, and in the podcast episode I referenced earlier around questions to Ask Before reconciling, one of the questions was do the people who love you and know you very well support that idea or are they staunchly against it? Because I think people who love us and care about us and know the situation, if they are unequivocally telling you, please do not do this, it is a terrible idea. I don't think that we just want to be blindly tuning that out and saying you just don't get it. Maybe they don't get it, but maybe they also do get it and they're seeing something that you're not seeing and they might be seeing reality. Whereas you are attached to hope and wanting and potential and you're driven by the emotion of missing this person and feeling very attached to them. Whereas the people who love you have your best interests at heart and maybe you're able to see things a little more clearly than you are. So I wouldn't totally drown out tune out the advice and counsel of people who really love me and care about me and know me. But equally if you are very comfortable with your decision and you do have additional context that they maybe don't, then you might just have to set the boundary around that. Final question I'm going to answer is I know that it's time to break up with my partner but I feel so guilty about hurting them and I just don't know how to pull the trigger.
[00:12:35]:
And I think that this is something a lot of us will relate to. Again, I've been in this situation as well and I think the really important reminder is we often think that we're being kind to someone by not doing that, that we're saving their hurt. But I really think we're saving our discomfort more than anything. We don't want to feel responsible for their hurt. We don't want to feel like the bad guy, we don't want to have kind of like their hurt on our hands or our shoulders. And so we just avoid and we persist in dynamics where our heart's just not in it anymore. And as much as we feel like that's the kind thing, it's actually not. Because leading someone on kind of dragging them along in a dynamic that you know has an end date and you're not really in it for the long haul.
[00:13:30]:
You're wasting their time, you're wasting your time and they're going to have to face that hurt and upset sooner or later if you really know that the relationship isn't for you. So I think that you kind of just have to rip the band aid off and of course you can do so lovingly and in a way that is honest and kind and doesn't need to exacerbate hurt. And I think that oftentimes making ourselves available to have a conversation in a direct way rather than letting it get really bad before we break up, I think that will actually liberate them far more than just letting it fester and kind of dragging them along, leading them on. I don't think that that's as kind as you might be telling yourself. I don't think that that is the selfless thing to do, even though I have no doubt that it is coming from a good place in you in wanting to avoid that really big hurt. Trust that they'll be okay. And in any event, if that's what's going to happen sooner or later, then that's what you need to do. So I think go have the conversation.
[00:14:38]:
Be honest, be loving, be kind, be respectful, but don't prolong the pain longer than you need to. Okay? So that was a breakup. Q-A-I hope that that was helpful, and do let me know if you enjoy that format where I jump between a few questions. I receive so many more questions than I ever have the opportunity to answer, and I do file them all the way. So I have a screenshot folder on my phone with hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of questions. So if you do like this format of kind of a mixed bag of questions on a topic, let me know in the reviews or feedback on Spotify or send me a DM on Instagram and let me know, and I'll be sure to schedule a few more of these episodes in. If you've enjoyed this episode, please do leave a five star rating or a review. Share it with the people in your life.
[00:15:26]:
It all helps so much, and I'm so grateful for your ongoing support, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
Navigating Long-Distance Relationships: Tips & Pitfalls
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
In today’s episode, we’re exploring long-distance relationships. Despite the old adage of “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, many people tend to really struggle with long-distance relationship structures.
We’ll cover:
Why it’s normal and natural to struggle with long-distance
How attachment dynamics can exacerbate long-distance challenges
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about navigating long distance relationships. So how we can best approach a long distance relationship, whether it's for a period of time or whether it's a longer term arrangement, and unpacking some of the ways that you might alleviate the challenges of that dynamic and also talking about how certain attachment patterns might play out in a long distance setup. So this is far from her comprehensive deep dive into what is a very big topic with a lot of nuance and obviously the long-distance thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:10]:
You know, there's such a spectrum of ways that could look and different circumstances and, you know, different people with different dynamics and different challenges in their own relationships, so I think long distance can magnify some of the things that might already be present and may exacerbate some of the challenges that a relationship is already experiencing. So take what I'm going to share today as a very general overview I am going to see if I can get a friend of mine who is an expert in this. She's another relationship coach, and she did long distance herself for a long time and teachers on this. So I might see if I can get her as a guest on the podcast to go into this in a little more depth in detail.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:54]:
But I'm hoping that for today, we'll be able to cover why long distance can feel challenging and why it makes total sense that long distance would feel really challenging. And some of the things that you can think about doing, if that's a situation that you're in, to alleviate some of those stresses.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. Next week, I am running a live master class on building trust. So we're going to be talking about self trust and trust in a relational context. And, you know, that'll include a lot of material actually don't know how I'm gonna cover it all in the 90 minutes that I've allotted, so we may go over time. There will also be an opportunity for Q and A with me at the end. and the master class will be recorded, and you will have access to that recording. So if you are someone who struggles with self trust, And, you know, you have a bit of a trust wound that you're aware of that drives some of your patents in relationship. I'd really love for you to come along. and learn with me and others how we can build more inner trust and that relationship with ourselves and then carry that into our relationships in a way that allows us to feel a sense of safety and groundedness and confidence in advocating for ourselves and our needs.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:16]:
2nd quick announcement is just to share the feature to review for today, which is I stumbled upon this podcast and so relieved I did the first 20 minutes into an episode. I felt like Stephanie knew what I was feeling thinking and struggling with. It's reassuring to know we're not alone in our struggles and that there are beautiful souls like Tiffany who generously share advice and tools to help others feel better. I'm grateful for your podcast and wisdom. Thank you so much. I'm grateful for you and your kind words of support. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast at stephanierig.com. and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes. And that can include the Building Trust Masterclass if you would like to come along and join us next week. So just shoot an email to my team, and we'll get you all sorted. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around long distance relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:03]:
So I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset what is probably obvious, which is that long-distance relationships are hard work. They require a lot more effort and intention than a relationship where you are in the same place, whether living together or living in the same town or city, proximity does a lot of the heavy lifting and allows us to, I suppose, be comfortable in not having to really put in a lot of effort into seeing each other and making the time. Of course, that will vary on situation to situation. But I think that with distance, we are immediately required to really carve out that time and space. There's no complacency in a long-distance relationship because I think that it will wither very quickly if we aren't putting in additional effort to really stay connected sense. And I think that recognizing, you know, even if you're not someone who really values, you know, physical closeness, there is so much unspoken intimacy in proximity and being near each other. And I think that you know, a lot of our connection needs are met just via that proximity even without anything more than that. So when we Take that away. Of course, we are going to need to do a lot of heavy lifting and put in a lot more effort than would otherwise be needed if we were just in each other's company and space all the time and had the comfort of that, you know, circumstantial sort of intimacy and closeness. So starting by recognizing that long distance is going to be challenging.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:47]:
I've been in a long distance relationship myself, a period of time. It was in our entire relationship. And it was really challenging. We, I think, just naturally felt less connected and less involved in each other's lives than we were used to. And it's really easy, I think, to drift when you're in that space, and to maybe take each other for granted rather than really putting in that time and effort and energy into staying a part of each other's world in a really active way. So recognizing the challenges of it. And then I suppose the additional layer that I alluded to earlier was in an anxious avoided dynamic or if we're looking the overlay of attachment patterns on what is already a challenging starting point. If you lean more anxious, Of course, we know that uncertainty is hard. Distance is hard. Feeling out of control is hard. Feeling like you cannot reach your partner. whether literally you can't get in contact with them, or there's some sort of block there that you can't feel fully connected to them. You can't really feel them. Your jealousy can be a real trigger for a lot of anxious folks. not really knowing where you stand, not having that clarity. All of these things are challenging for anxiously attached to people at the best of times. And we know that, right, we know that those baseline tendencies and sensitivities are there, and we can see how they might be exacerbated by distance. on the other side, someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment patterns, in my experience, avoidant folks tend to do better with out of sight, out of mind. And I don't mean that to say that they don't care about you if you were in long distance, but they're probably not feeling the absence or the distance as acutely as you are if you have more anxious patterns of really, you know, that those proximity seeking behaviors as a way feel safe. So an avoidant leaning person is likely to be more able to compartmentalize such that they can go about their daily life with that distance and not be overly bothered by it.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:07]:
And so we can have this situation whereby you're really having a different experience of the long distance arrangement, and I think that that can of itself creates some tension because the anxious person's going, you're not even having a hard time. You don't even care about me. this isn't even hard for you. You don't even miss me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:26]:
All of these stories that are coming from the pain of separation. And, obviously, like, we know how that can go. We know that that can exacerbate those dynamics by starting to kind of attack each other or push or protest. And, you know, maybe the person on the other side not being terribly well placed to validate that pain or I'm feeling like, you know, they get defensive because they feel like they're being attacked when they haven't done anything wrong. So what do we do with all of that?
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:54]:
I think it's really important to understand that for some people, and I suppose this is a bit of a permission slip, you don't have to be okay with long distance. for me, at this point in my life, it is not something that I would be open to because it would not allow me the level of intimacy and closeness and, you know, day to day connection and support that I desire. And so it's okay to know that about yourself.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:35]:
Of course, it is easier to know that about yourself as a starting point and be able to decline to continue in a dynamic or or to pursue, I should say, a dynamic with someone where that would be case from the outset. Right? So, for example, if you met someone and you lived in different places, you could say I'm not gonna pursue that connection because I don't wanna do long distance. That's a simpler version. Right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:50]:
Of course, it is harder if you're already in a relationship and something changes structurally such that you are going to have to move to long distance from togetherness. Again, you don't have to be okay with that. and you might decide that it is too much for you. If it is really acutely painful, you might decide that that isn't gonna work. and you might, you know, decide to enter the relationship or take a break for such period of time that you are going to be a part or you might decide that you wanna give it a go because you value the relationship enough and you see a future worth investing in. And so you decide to do long distance for a period of time, or maybe it's even, you know, an open ended thing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:37]:
But I think having clarity for yourself around what you are open to and what you would need in order for that to feel sustainable. And checking in regularly with yourself and with each other, so that you can keep taking a pulse on that on how am
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:52]:
I feeling? Is this working for me and not feeling like you need to justify that because, as I said, permission slip, it is really hard, and it's not for everyone. And if you are someone who's really, really anxious, It might just be too much for you, and and maybe that's okay. But having a level of honesty and self awareness, self responsibility around where are my limits and kind of tuning into yourself and going, is this working for me? I'm now gonna move to giving some tips on how to make this work if it's the situation that you are in or you are about to embark upon. And so these are really, you know, if you're in a long distance relationship, how can you stay connected and how can you make the most of the situation that you're in?
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:44]:
The first one is kind of structural and, of course, and this won't be possible for everyone, but I really do think it helps if there is an end insight. So I think that for most people having indefinite, open ended, long distance is gonna be really challenging, and that makes sense. It's hard to know what your future looks like together if it is a serious relationship one that you're both serious about. It's hard to see how that is going to work in a way that's ever going to feel you know, structurally compatible if you are planning to live apart forever. Again, not everyone, and there will be people who make that work. but that's gonna be a small minority of people and for the vast majority of people, there's gonna wanna be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:33]:
So it might be, oh, for the next 12 months work means that we're gonna be in different cities. Absolutely fine. Right? you can kind of go into that with the mindset of this is gonna be a challenging period, but then there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I think if you've just got, you know, month to month rolling, open ended, long distance, with no ability to really talk about the future or what happens on the other side of that, that can feel really stuck.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:55]:
And I think it can feel a bit overwhelming, and you might feel a bit powerless if that's the situation that you're in. So I think in an ideal world, there would be a an end date, at least a kind of broadly agreed or a theoretical end date to the long distance period. Short of that, And in addition to that, you know, even if you do have an end date, I think that having very regular plans to be together. So to see each other is a really good idea, and that makes it much more doable in the short term because you have something to look forward to. So say you've gotta be long distance for the next 18 months because of work, but you've got in the calendar every month or 6 weeks or whatever that you, you know, one of you will travel to the other or you'll both travel somewhere, but you have something to look forward to and the actual time apart is not gonna be that full, you know, 12 18 months or whatever period of time it is. you have these shorter horizons, these little milestone moments that you can really look forward to. And I think that in having that, you actually have an opportunity to plan that and to connect through your joint excitement to see each other. And you might take that as an opportunity to you know, plan a really exciting little trip together, or even if you're just visiting each other where you're living, making an occasion out of it so that it really does feel special and feels really connective when you do have that opportunity to come together. So having ideally a bookend at the, you know, the end in sight for the long distance, but also having those shorter horizons of when you're next gonna see each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:42]:
I think it's a really good idea.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:44]:
The next tip that I wanna give you is to create rituals connection. So, of course, I've just spoken about actually having time to come together and see each other and be in each other's company, which is really important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:56]:
But on a day-to-day basis, you are gonna need to find ways to feel connected to them, notwithstanding the distance. So that might mean, you know, a morning text every day or, you know, face timing while you're eating dinner or maybe you've watched a show together I've known friends in the past who are long distance, and they would, you know, watch the same movie on Netflix, and they'd FaceTime at the same time. So it feels like they were watching it together. or, you know, you might play, you know, an online game together or any number of things that can feel like there's this bond and this tether that keeps you feeling close to them despite the distance. I think that that's really important to have things that are little things. So you know, like a morning text, like everyday stuff, and then maybe bigger things. So maybe on Friday nights, you you know, have dinner and you cook the same recipe and you zoom or something. But having these things that feel like rituals that you both really prioritize and honor and look forward to and respect and cherish.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:00]:
That's gonna help both of you to feel not only connected, but prioritize. and, like, the relationship is being prioritized. And I think that that's really important as well. Sort of related to that is you need to find ways to feel involved in the other person's life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:27]:
So I remember when I was doing long distance, and this was probably 8 years ago now, I was studying on exchange in Singapore, My partner at the time was doing his masters in the UK. And so we were both, you know, we were obviously in different countries, but we were both away home, and we were both in these new environments, and we had all of these new friends, and it was all very exciting. but it meant that we didn't know any of the people that either of us were building these lives with, like, even though it was short term, my partner didn't know any of my new friends that I'd made, and I didn't know any of his. And so when we'd talk even though we were speaking regularly, we'd be talking about our day, and we didn't have any context for each other's lives. I didn't know the places that he was going on a day-to-day basis. And so it was all very high level in terms of what we were sharing with each other just because we didn't have that level of familiarity with the other's world because it was all very new. Now if you do know each other's world. So if one of you is, you know, if you're both home and you've been to each other's homes and you're hanging out with the same friends and going to the same places, that's gonna be easier because you have more context to understand you know, what they're up to and to feel like you're almost there through their descriptions and accounts of what they've been up to. But if there is some level of newness about the situation such that you don't have that context, you're gonna need to find ways to kind of really let each other in. And maybe that means giving more detail in storytelling than you otherwise would, because you don't have the luxury of that shorthand. of just, you know, I went to the cafe with, you know, these two people that you know really well, and I can tell you the story about them without having to give all of the backstory. I think that when we're a part and particularly, as I said, when there's a new environment, so if someone's gone and taken a job overseas, They're gonna have to really invest in getting you up to speed with who their new colleagues are and what the boss is like and what they do for lunch all of those things that will allow you to kind of have a picture and feel kind of involved in their life. Otherwise, it's really easy to just feel very connected and very far away. and, like, you don't really have much, you know, insight or connection with what your partner is up to and and where their life is at, and that can be a really hard feeling to be on either side of. Okay. And the last tip that I wanna give you for navigating long distance is this goes without saying, but communication is so important. So it's really normal to have you know, bumps in the road for the connection to ebb and flow when you're apart. And as I said, you just don't have the luxury of proximity, you know, to keep the tanks sort of from drying up. I think that just being around each other gives us, like, a base level of connection. And when we take that away, it's much easier for things to feel a little fractured or bumpy or disconnected. And so being able to bring that to each other and to share what we're feeling in a way that, you know, you're both really committed to making it work and finding ways to prioritize each of your needs, find solutions that work for both of you, that really needs to be a very clear and open channel of communication because I think that if you internalize that and you don't want to say anything because you don't want conflict while you're apart or, you know, you don't wanna jeopardize what time you do have to talk to them, talking about heavy things, all of that, I can totally understand. And at the same time, it's probably not going to help for you to be bottling up any concerns you have or feelings of loneliness or sadness or disconnect and you're much better off bringing those to your partner and finding some sort of way to navigate that that works for both of you. So don't shy away from being honest about how you're going and how you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:20]:
I think that is always important in relationships, but especially so, when you're in a season of being a part and really needing to go above and beyond in order to nurture that connect and that trust and that, you know, sense of togetherness despite the distance. So I really hope that that has been helpful for anyone who is in long distance, who is considering exploring long distance for whatever reason, or maybe if you've been in long-distance relationships in the past and, you know, you've felt bad about it not working or it feeling hard or wondered why you couldn't quite make it work. maybe this has given you a little more clarity in hindsight as to where you might have struggled and why.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:06]:
As always, I'm super grateful for anyone who can take a moment to leave a review or a rating. It really does help so much. share it with the people in your life. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys.
Speaker D [00:21:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five-star rating. It really does help so much.
Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
How to Stop Taking Things So Personally
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
In today’s episode, I’m answering a listener’s question on how to stop taking things so personally. This is something a lot of us struggle with, and can lead us to internalise others’ behaviour in ways that damage our self-esteem and exacerbate our suffering.
We’ll cover:
Why you might take things personally
The link between people pleasing and taking things personally
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, which is episode 100, very exciting, we are talking about how to stop taking things so personally. So this is something that I know a lot of people really struggle with. And I think there can be a tendency to be really hard on ourselves and to experience this taking things personally as something that's wrong with us, that we need to change about ourselves. Because that means we are overly weak or fragile or emotional in a way that we perceive as being wrong or in need of changing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:05]:
And so I'm going to share some thoughts on taking things personally, why we might do that, what might be the underlying drivers or wounds of that, and offer you some reframes so that you can maybe depersonalise people's behaviour. And depersonalise situations and prevent yourself from participating in that really unhelpful storytelling that so many of us do, where we make ourselves the centre of the universe and suffer as a result. But also some more nuanced shifts that allow you to hold both things to really honour what you're feeling in response to someone's behaviour, while not taking that additional step of adding to your suffering by making it all about you. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements, as I said, celebrating that this is episode 100 of the podcast. This podcast was launched in April of 2022 and has been released weekly with no breaks, I don't think, or maybe a quick break in January this year, but has been very much a labour of love for me each. Week to join with you in having these beautiful, important conversations. And it is a real honour for me to be able to help you on your journeys.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:23]:
I know there's so many of you on every corner of the planet. When you look at the stats for this show, it really is very wide reaching and I do feel incredibly lucky to be able to do this work. And so, so very grateful for all of your ongoing support in following the show. Subscribing, sharing, listening every week. It is very, very humbling. So I just wanted to say thank you so much for that. A second quick announcement is that I am holding a master class in a week or so. I'm just trying to do the math on when this episode will come out, but I'm holding a master class on building trust, so this is going to cover both self trust and relational trust.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:12]:
And again, you will have heard me speak about this whole piece around trust on the show in both of those contexts, building up our capacity to be discerning, to know what is right for us and to act in accordance with that, but also to navigate trust wounds in a relational context and rebuilding trust where that trust has been breached or broken. So it's a really important conversation and workshop and it has been a long time coming, but I've finally put it in the calendar, so if you're interested in that, do sign up. It's a live Zoom masterclass and there'll be a recording for anyone who can't join Live, so definitely cheque that out if that is something that interests you. Finally, just to share the featured review for today, which is this review is not only about Stephanie's podcast, but about her Healing anxious attachment programme that I took a couple months back. I was going through a breakup after five years of toxic relationship and if I had to choose one resource to help me at that point, it would be Stephanie's work. I'm in awe of the amount and depth of material this podcast and the programme complement each other so well. But if you can do just one, it won't be long before you notice a tremendous change in mindset and subsequently the quality of your life for the absolute better. I'm forever grateful.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:27]:
Stephanie, keep up the good work. Thank you so much for your beautiful review. I'm so glad that the podcast and the course has been a great support for you in that time and that you are blossoming into the next chapter as a result. So sending you lots of love. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses and you can choose to come along to the building Trust Masterclass Live, rather than having one of the recorded Masterclasses if you so desire. Okay, all of that out of the way. Let's dive into this conversation around how to stop taking things so personally. So, as I said, this is a really common topic of conversation with people in my community, on social media, with clients, with students.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:12]:
It's definitely a recurring theme, but this particular episode was inspired by a question I got from someone on Instagram saying, how do I not take it so personally that someone ghosted me? And it really made me reflect, because while I think a lot of common advice would be just move on, write it off, don't worry about someone who ghosted you, they don't mean anything. I think in some respects that kind of bypasses the validity and the truth of the feelings, right? We can go straight to the rationalisation process of like, I shouldn't let this person who I don't even know affect me that way. But I think that to adopt that approach, actually, if anything, adds to those emotions, because it's kind of coming in with shame and saying, I shouldn't feel the way I do. And so, as I was reflecting, I thought to do a podcast episode on it, to unpack that a little and to add some nuance, as I foreshadowed in the introduction. And so whether it's Ghosting or whether it's you're in a relationship and you have a tendency to personalise your partner's behaviour, I know that I can still do this from time to time. Certainly that is my muscle memory is to personalise. If my partner is being moody or I perceive him as being impolite or abrasive or short tempered, it's really easy for me to make that about me and to get really indignant and go, how dare you? Don't speak to me like that. And to really fight back, even though his behaviour is really not about me and his emotional state is not about me, it's really easy for me to make it so and for me to tell myself the story that his emotional state or his mood is a personal attack on me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:08]:
And this is where the nuance is important, right? Because it's both. We're allowed to feel affected by things, and particularly if you're in a relationship. But frankly, even if you aren't, even if it is someone you're just dating or seeing casually, you are allowed to be affected by things. And it's not helpful to fight against the fact that you may or may not be affected by things emotionally and to just say like, oh, you just let it wash over you, it doesn't matter, it's just not being with reality. So I think that to acknowledge like, yeah, I'm affected by this. Another example that I got recently was someone saying how can I not take so personally when the guy I'm seeing has to work late and has to cancel on our plans? He always makes an effort to reschedule. And I know it's not about me, but I get really hurt and take it personally. And I think that again, it's like you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:05]:
But where we can come into a bit of trouble is where we then go, okay, this person had to cancel on me, or this person's in a bad mood, or even this person goes to me or this person rejected me. And we take that and we take the initial feeling of hurt or upset or disappointment and then we go that additional step and we make it a shame story. We go, it's because I am not good enough. It is because I am unworthy. It's because they're taking advantage of me, it's because they don't respect me. And that's where we get into trouble. That's the kind of taking things personally that we really want to watch. Because I think that is where our wounded parts, where the neuroticism in our mind will start to take us down a path that ultimately fuels whatever.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:56]:
That painful feeling is something that I teach in my breakup course higher love is to really want to actually be with those primary emotions, but try not to make them personalised emotions, try and stay with what I term situational emotions. Like, I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm upset, I'm angry, I'm frustrated with the situation, I have grief towards that, but I'm not going to let that become I'm feeling deeply ashamed and unworthy and making it about me in a really essential, fundamental sense. Because, again, that tends to be where we spiral and where we really internalise other people's behaviour as being about us. And I think that that is really where we struggle. So all of that to say, in this effort to not take things so personally, what we want to look at is what am I making this person's behaviour mean about me? And so for a lot of us, that will be in the vein of Unworthiness, that will be some sort of story that's traceable to Unworthiness. And oftentimes I think that that is coming from the same part that wants to people please or wants to make other people happy all the time, wants to be the peacekeeper, wants to work really hard to make the relationship perfect, wants to be in control all the time. And so to the extent that we don't succeed in that, whether there's a rupture or things don't go the way that we wanted them to, we feel like we've failed. And we then take that sense of failure as a personal failure and as meaning that if I've put all of this work into making you be a certain way towards me or trying to ensure the outcome that I want, that makes me feel good and safe in this relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:58]:
If that doesn't happen, then not only am I disappointed, but I feel like a failure. And I feel like there must be something wrong with me or I must fall short of the mark for you to be behaving in the way that you're behaving. Because I've put so much effort and energy into trying to control you and us and everything, the conditions surrounding our relationship to deliver the outcome that I wanted. Right? And so when we start to peel back the layers of this taking personally, we see that all of those tentacles that we've spoken about, a lot of control and fear and manipulation and people pleasing and striving and proving, all of those things are lurking underneath the surface. So it's usually not just I'm hurt by your behaviour, it's I'm making that mean that I am not good enough or I have failed in my mission to make you be or act or do what I wanted. And I think that that's really where it can go, to that next level. So rather than just beating yourself up and going, oh, I shouldn't take this so personally, oh, why am I so pathetic for being upset, this upset when they cancelled? Why am I crying? Because they cancelled dinner because they had to work late. What is wrong with me? I think we instead have to turn towards that with a level of curiosity and go, okay, what am I making this mean? What additional stories am I layering on top of the facts of the matter here? And how are those stories contributing to my heightened emotional state in response to this thing? To the extent that feels disproportionate to what's really going on.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:38]:
And I think that when we can venture down that path of compassionate self inquiry, all of a sudden, it's not adding shame into that. More shame, because often there's already shame, but more resistance, more criticism. I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling. Can you hold whatever it is you're feeling? Ah, I feel really hurt. I feel really let down. I feel really disappointed. I was really looking forward to that, or I was really excited about this person or any number of other things because this shows up in so many different situations. Someone's upset with me and I feel incredibly personally affronted by that because I feel like I made a mistake and that's really uncomfortable for me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:13:22]:
All of these things. When we start to scratch the surface a little, we can see what's actually there and when we can allow what's actually there to be there and try and stay with the primary experience of that rather than going to these secondary and tertiary stories and layers and meaning making, which is really where we hurt ourselves more. That's where we can start to heal these things and start to reframe and reprogram those beliefs and kind of coach ourselves and cheque those stories go, Is that actually true? Is that really what's happening here? Or is that a story I'm telling myself? And what might be another story, what might be another way of interpreting what's going on here? And how can I support myself in this experience to stay kind and loving and centred and to the extent that there is behaviour involved in a situation that really is hurtful that you really don't feel comfortable with or good about. Then again, as I've spoken to so many times on the show, it's not like you have to go down this path of self inquiry and then just make it your problem and never bring anything to the relationship. It's just that I think once we've metabolised our initial emotional responses and we've gone through that process of reflection and regulation, we can sort of sift through what's really there and get to the heart of it. And to the extent that there is something that needs to be brought to a partner to say, hey, yesterday when you said this or didn't do that, I felt really upset or disappointed or hurt. And I'd really appreciate if next time you'd consider or you'd be open to whatever, when you're coming at it with that energy of recognising what your history and your sensitivities might be bringing to the table while also holding firm on self advocacy and clear communication in a way that's not accusatory and attacking and blaming. It's not a raw, unfiltered, highly emotional version of what you're feeling.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:51]:
That's really how we can make these changes. So it's not like, oh, I've just got to stop taking everything so personally because I'm too sensitive and I'm too emotional and I'm too needy. That's not going to help you or your relationship because all of those feelings are still there, but you're just trying to push against them and internalise them and bottle them up and I promise you they will come back with a vengeance. So rather than that, I think, tending to them and really being with those emotions, holding them and feeling the discomfort of them, but offering yourself, what do I need? Okay, what do I need in this moment? What conversations need to be had with my partner? How could we do things differently next time in a way that we can meet in the middle? I can get what I desire by way of love and support and connection and they can still be their own person. It doesn't have to veer into that realm of control and demand and accusation and blame. This is really the work of secure relating. It's not just making your stuff your sole problem. I think that that's, again, it can be a bit of a pendulum swing.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:05]:
We go from hurling attacks and blame and hand grenades at each other to starting to do this work, and then we can internalise everything and go, oh, I think it's just me, and I'll spend the rest of my life in self analysis and trying to figure out all the answers without ever having to bother someone. I think, as always, we want to find our way to a healthy middle ground where we can take responsibility for our part. We can go through those processes of self regulation and tending to ourselves first and foremost, but then still feeling like we can. And indeed, sometimes we should still be bringing things to a partner or a person because it doesn't have to be romantic, bringing things to the table and having conversations that allow for all of that to be there, but in a way that is really grounded and honest and open and loving and desiring a mutually beneficial solution. So I hope that that's been a helpful reframe on this whole experience of taking things personally and the tendency to beat ourselves up over that and maybe judge ourselves as being overly sensitive and recognising, that that can just add fuel to the fire, add more tension to your emotional landscape that's already under stress. So I do hope that that has been helpful. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful. If you can leave a comment on Spotify, leave a review on Apple podcasts or a rating.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:45]:
Share it with the people in your life. I do appreciate all of you so much. Thank you for 100 episodes of On Attachment, and I'll see you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:16]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Attachment Styles & Break-Ups
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about attachment styles and break-ups. While of course, break-ups are messy, personal and far from formulaic, there are undeniably certain themes in how our break-ups feel that can be traced to our attachment patterns.
Understanding the ways in which attachment drives can shape how we relate to and experience break-ups is essential in finding greater compassion for our own experience, and depersonalising someone else’s behaviour to the extent that they’re processing the transition differently to us.
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stephanierigg.com/higher-love
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking all about breakups and specifically how different attachment styles, people with different attachment patterns are likely to experience and respond to breakups. So I know I say this at the start of every episode, but this is something that I get asked about a lot, particularly from my anxious attachers. No surprises there. And people wondering a why breakups feel so intensely hard for people with anxious attachment patterns, but also desperately trying to decipher what their often avoidant leaning ex partner is thinking, feeling why would they do this? Why aren't they doing that? And while you would know, if you're familiar with my work, my approach that I usually will politely decline to join you in analysing and hypothesising about someone's behaviour, why would they do this? What does it mean when they do that? I think that playing that game actually just keeps us more stuck and so I usually opt out of that and gently discourage you from spending too much time and energy in that, spinning around in the hypothesising.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:44]:
At the same time, there are some clearly observed differences in the way that folks with anxious attachment patterns tend to process and experience a breakup compared with those who have more avoided patterns. And I think that in having a conversation around this we can cultivate greater understanding and be less inclined to project our own way onto the other person's behaviour and interpret accordingly. So I think again, and we do this all throughout relationships, right? All throughout the life cycle of a relationship. I think without conscious awareness, we do tend to project and receive someone's behaviour as what it would mean if we did that, notwithstanding that we're coming from completely different places, we have completely different sensitivities and values and all of those things. We put ourselves in their shoes and then construct meaning and it tends to give a very inaccurate and distorted and one sided view of things, which, spoiler alert, usually makes things worse because we then craft these painful stories out of it. So
I'm hoping that in today's episode I can give you a bit more context for that and probably more of an insight into that avoidant experience post breakup, so that you can understand that, depersonalise it a little and hopefully keep your eyes on your own paper, stay in your own lane a little, and support yourself as best you can. If you are going through a breakup, or maybe you've been through a breakup and you've had a lot of unanswered questions and wondered these same things, so hopefully I can give you some insights there. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:31]:
The first being you might have heard me announce that I'm holding a Live Master class in a couple of weeks time on Building Trust. So this will be a 90 minutes. Although in the past I've tended to go a little overtime, so probably 90 minutes to 2 hours. Live Masterclass where we'll be talking all about trust, both self trust and relational trust, how to build trust, looking at trust wounds, rebuilding after infidelity, whether you've got kind of legacy trust issues from a previous relationship, how to learn to trust yourself more, intuition, all of those topics will be woven in. Even as I'm saying this, I'm wondering how I'm going to fit it all into 2 hours. But anyway, that's what we're going to do. If you'd like to come along to that. I would love to see as many of you there as possible.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:17]:
There will be a recording that you'll have access to afterwards as well. If you're unable to join Live or you just want to revisit the material and you can find the link to that in the show notes or directly on my website. Second quick announcements just to share the featured review, which is I've listened to a few episodes and already learnt so much.
Stephanie's calm, kind, compassionate approach is helping me understand relationships and myself at a deeper level. Thank you Stephanie. Keep on making a difference. Thank you for that beautiful review. I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you are new to the show and already seeing an impact in your life and the way you're relating to yourself and others.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:55]:
If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my Masterclasses, which includes, if you would like, a free ticket to the Rebuilding Trust Live Masterclass so you can choose that one rather than one of my preexisting Masterclasses if you so desire.
Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around attachment and breakups. So I've spoken at length on the show and elsewhere around anxious attachment and breakups and I'll give a bit of a recap on that for anyone who needs a refresher. Or perhaps if you haven't listened to me speak about this before. For anxiously attached people, breakups tend to be very, very challenging. We know that for anxious folks, connection is a very, very high ranking need and the relationship tends to be our anchor and our source of safety. We really lean on the relationship as giving us identity, as giving us purpose. We tend to orbit around that and really prioritise the relationship above the other pillars of our life.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:03]:
And while that's not, oh, you're so anxious and clingy and needy because of those traits or preferences, it's normal. I would say that folks with secure attachment patterns also find their relationship to be a source of security and comfort and stability and they prioritise it. And that's not an anxious trope. Anxious folks tend to over index on their relationship to the exclusion of other areas of their life or to the detriment of other areas of their life which can be neglected in favour of putting the relationship first. Above. All else, and particularly if a relationship is under stress or strain, the anxious person will up the ante on how much time and energy they are devoting to being around their partner, trying to fix the relationship, thinking about the relationship. All of your internal resources are going to be funnelled into like Operation Save This Sinking Ship, right? And so the irony there being that as you keep ramping up your efforts, as the relationship becomes more and more strained, if you do then find yourself in this situation of a breakup, the relationship has ended, you've expended all this energy trying to save it and you're left really empty handed. And it can be a double edged sword because you feel this sense of failure that you weren't able to salvage the relationship and at the same time you then turn around and look at the rest of your life and there's not much happening because you became so laser focused on the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:47]:
And you might have neglected friendships. You might have isolated yourself. You might have stopped doing whatever else you usually do. You might have abandoned your regular routines or become disengaged from work or any number of other things because you were so focused on the relationship and trying to stop it from ending when it was feeling really dire. And so for the anxious person, there are so many different layers of struggle here. Not only have they lost this anchor and this safety blanket, but there's a sense of failure, there's the sense of the unknown, of uncertainty. All of these things are big triggers for people who struggle with anxiety and usually try and manage that anxiety through control and creating predictability, through focusing on another person and their needs. All of these patterns that are pretty common among most anxiously attached people.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:47]:
You've got all of this kind of energy that you are used to heaping onto someone else and a relationship and all of a sudden you don't know what to do with yourself. And that can feel just incredibly uncomfortable and you can feel almost frantic and panicked and very, very overwhelmed by that experience. Being in the void of all of that is just deeply uncomfortable. And so many anxiously attached folks will just spin out after a breakup and feel this overwhelming urge to reconnect with their partner. Not knowing how your partner is thinking or feeling, if you're not in contact with them, that is also likely to be incredibly difficult. So all of a sudden, this person who you're used to having access to and you're accustomed to feeling entitled to speak to them and to know how they're feeling and to know what they're doing and who they're spending. Time with and all of those things, all of a sudden you kind of overnight you lose jurisdiction over that and that can feel again for someone whose tendencies to create safety via a level of control and oversight feeling. Like you've just lost power there and that you no longer have any right or entitlement to know what they're thinking, to know what they're feeling, to know what they're doing with their time, who they're seeing, all of those things that is likely to send you into spirals of stress and panic and anxiety and jealousy and all of those other things.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:19]:
And I think that behaviours like stalking their social media and when have they been online and who have they been talking to? Oh, did they just start following this person? Is that some all of that stuff, which I'm sure you're listening and some of you will be sheepishly raising your hand and going, yep, that's me done that. I get it, you are not alone. A lot of people do. I've done that before. It's a really easy trap to fall into just feeling like we need to gather information to somehow arm ourselves because that's just what we know to do. But of course, none of that is really helping us. And as always, the healing and the growth and the thing we really need, the medicine that we need, even though it's not what we want, is to turn from our obsessive focus on the other back to ourselves. Go, okay, I am feeling all of these big feelings.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:15]:
I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling lonely, I'm feeling rejected, I'm feeling a sense of failure and humiliation and shame and loss and grief. And instead of being with those feelings, I am trying to fix or distract or avoid or get away from the immense overwhelm that comes with all of that big emotion because we don't trust ourselves to be able to handle it right, because we are so accustomed to the other person providing the safety. So I think that the very best thing we can do, as much as it's the last thing that we would do by instinct or impulse is actually to just focus on ourselves and try and release the grip, to surrender to the fact that we are no longer in control of this person. Not that we ever were, but we really now, as I said, we don't have jurisdiction over that anymore and obsessing over them and what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling is very much our way of trying to create a sense of control when we're feeling out of control. And so I think the best thing we can do is offer ourselves a more adaptive strategy which is going to be focusing on us. That is really the task of people with anxious attachment patterns, whether you're in a relationship or not, if you want to really work on healing and growing and cultivating a greater sense of security. You need to rebuild the foundations within yourself because that's where you are perhaps underdeveloped because you've been so accustomed to focusing on the other person. You need to start laying those bricks of self worth and self respect and self trust and self compassion, self esteem.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:58]:
Those are the things that allow you to stand on your own. 2ft. To go to relationship with a strong sense of self and really love with an open heart rather than love someone with a lot of fear behind it and a need to control and grip and cling and all of those things. So that is your work and I really think that a breakup is a beautiful opportunity to take stock and to really look at that and go, okay, what are the lessons learned and what is next? That turned into a little bit of a soapbox pep talk for my anxious attaches. That was meant to be a quick setting of the scene. But anyway, we're now going to talk about the avoidant experience, which spoiler alert, is not what I just described in 99% of cases. And of course I will give the caveat that I should have done this at the start that of course everyone's different, right? To say like anxious people do this and avoidant people do that, universally categorically, the end overly simplistic. So this is not gospel, this is not universal, but it is often true in a general sense.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:05]:
And that is to say that for avoidant leaning folk you'll recall I was saying, as a relationship becomes more strained towards the end, anxious folks dial up the intensity and they ramp up their attempts at fixing, saving, controlling, getting closer, problem solving. One more chance they might engage in more conflict and more demands in this desperate effort to get engagement and to turn the ship around. Avoidant folks, as things get more strained, become more and more overwhelmed and it just SAPS them of energy. It's like it drains the battery so fast because avoidant folks really value relational harmony and for them to feel like a relationship is just constant work, that is a very exhausting experience. I think it's exhausting for anxious folks as well, but it's not exhausting in the sense of like I can't do this, I'm out. Anxious leaning people tend to roll up their sleeves and want to do that work kind of relentlessly rather than walking away and deciding it's too much. For avoidant folks, I think that that just becomes more trouble than it's worth. And reminding ourselves that there is a really different baseline in terms of need to be in a relationship and if aloneness is comfortable, that is the comfort zone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:37]:
For a lot of people with avoidant patterns, the being in a relationship is the thing that is challenging them. And so as soon as the relationship becomes consistently tense and strained and conflict ridden, and they're feeling like they're under attack the whole time or like they're constantly being dragged into a three hour long conversation every other day where someone is highly emotional and you're going around in circles. That is not what an avoidant person, they don't get a lot out of that and that can just very quickly tip the scales in favour of this isn't working, this is costing me more than it's giving to me, it's too much, it's too exhausting, it's not working. And so when the relationship has been like that in the lead up to a breakup, the first thing that most avoidant people are going to feel is a sense of relief. There will be this sense of like, okay, I was feeling all of that stress and now that stress is alleviated and I feel free again and I feel relief and it's not like free, woohoo, I'm going to go out and sleep with a bunch of people. I mean, some people might do that and whatever, but I think that to suggest that it's freedom in the sense of, oh, now I'm single, like it's party time. I don't think that that's true. I think it is just a lifting of a huge emotional burden that comes with relational tension over time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:06]:
And so for avoidant folks, there is this sense of probably peace and relief retreating to an environment of aloneness where they feel like they're back in control and they don't feel like a failure and a disappointment. Someone's always upset with them and wanting things from them that they can't give. And so you might see that an avoidant person after a breakup is likely to seem pretty fine, particularly at the start. So they might seem to be pretty okay. And you might see them socialising a lot, they might distract themselves because like you, they don't know how to be with those big emotions that might be underneath that relief, but their way of coping with that. Whereas the anxious person tries to get away from those emotions by obsessing over the intellectualization of them and trying to find information and focusing on the other person and trying to solve the problem. Avoidant person tends to avoid and distract and numb. So they might go out and socialise a lot, they might throw themselves into work, they might take up a new hobby or something.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:17]:
They might just go all in on other areas of life in a way that from the outside, if you're looking at them and you're following them on social media or whatever, you might look and just see them seemingly being fine and looking even like they're thriving. And that's probably pretty excruciating for you if you are more anxious. Because again, as I said at the start, you are interpreting what you are seeing through the lens of what it would mean if you were doing that. So for you, if you a week after a breakup were out socialising heaps and maybe going on a trip or all of those things are unfathomable because you're in this really dark place, you're going, wow, for me to be in that place, I must not care at all. I would have to not care at all. I would have to not miss them at all. I would have to have not even really loved them. I didn't value the relationship.
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:09]:
That's the only way that I could be ready for all of that. But that is just such a projection coming from a very different starting point and a very different experience and emotional landscape and way of coping with things. So while that's likely to be the avoidant person's initial experience, what will often happen is that a few weeks might go by, a month might go by, and then they might start to kind of really come to terms with what's happened. And that initial experience of relief might become something a little bit more sad, or having that grief come up, probably not in the same intense, overwhelming or consuming way as anxious person would, but still like having the, oh, that's sad, I miss them. And this is where you'll see people reaching out or they might like your Instagram story or send a casual message saying, hey, how are you? And I always get anxious attaches going, why would they send me a message? Why would they do that? I haven't heard from them for three weeks and all of a sudden they get this random message. Often that is what's happening, that they've kind of come through the fog of that initial period and realised what's happened. And again, people go, oh, if they missed me, does that mean we should get back together? You know, a lot of you would know that my take on that is not that getting back together is a bad thing or that you should never do that. But I think it's got to be based on a whole lot more than missing each other.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:44]:
Because that's just going to lead you right back to where you started and you'll be in the same patterns and the same dynamics. As soon as you have that temporary relief of getting back together, you haven't actually resolved anything substantively. There's a really good chance that you'll be right back where you started. But that is kind of the arc or the trajectory that you could expect from a lot of folks with avoidant patterns is that they will seem to be fine and then they might have a bit of a hangover. But it's kind of a delay because of that initial experience of relief and feeling like, oh, thank God I'm not in the midst of that really high conflict, intense, overwhelming dynamic, which is what the tone of a lot of these relationships are right before a breakup. So I hope that that's been helpful in giving you a bit of a sense of those contrasting experiences. Again, I offer that with a view to helping you depersonalise and maybe cheque yourself on those projections and those stories you're telling yourself about like, oh, that's what their behaviour means, they're fine. That means that I'm pathetic and I loved them more and they never cared about me again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:58]:
That just really adds to our suffering and is not helpful at all. If this episode is something that you are really needing right now and you're in the midst of a breakup, definitely cheque out my Higher Love course. It's a breakup course. It's very comprehensive and it also has a bonus masterclass called Attachment Styles and Breakups, which is about 45 minutes and is more of a deep dive on the conversation we've had here today. And you can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on Higher Love, so you can enter that code at the checkout and you will save $150. So sending so much love to anyone who is going through a breakup. I know that it's tough. In a couple of weeks time, maybe next week, I'm going to do a Q and A episode all on breakup.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:44]:
So covering a few different topics because it is one of the areas that I get a lot of requests for support from, from people who listen to the show and who follow me on Instagram and all of those things. So keep an ear out for that if that is something you're going through at the moment. Otherwise, so grateful for you all being here and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much.
Stephanie Rigg [00:23:26]:
Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Ghosting: Why It Happens & How to Process
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone. Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
Does ghosting leave you feeling anxious, confused, and questioning your self-worth? If so, you’re not alone.
Today, we're diving deep into this all-too-common dating phenomenon. We'll explore why ghosting occurs, the common impacts it has on self-esteem, and how to give yourself the closure and peace you desire.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about Ghosting. Why it happens, what to do if it happens to you, how to process it, how to emerge on the other side of that experience without feeling really demoralized, without internalizing that and making it all about you, without feeling really deflated and jaded about the whole process of online dating and modern dating and everything that that can entail when practices like Ghosting are, unfortunately, somewhat common and probably more so than they've ever been before. So I'm going to give you a bit of a pep talk around Ghosting, unpacking, as I said, why people might ghost and what you can do about it to keep yourself intact if it does happen to you.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:16]:
Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Healing Angst attachment is now closed, so you don't have to listen to me telling you all about that for another few months at least. But I am holding a live masterclass in a few weeks time on Building Trust. So this is going to be around self trust and relational trust and will encompass everything that would fall under that umbrella. So building your own sense of self up so that you can stop doubting yourself so much, that you can really trust in your own perception of a situation, trust in your needs and your ability to advocate for yourself. And also looking at the relational piece. So how to build trust if you have a trust wound from a previous relationship, how to rebuild trust in a relationship if there's been a breach of trust. It's going to be very comprehensive on that very big topic and you can sign up for that via the link in my show notes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:12]:
This one is, as I said, a live masterclass. It's nice and affordable and you'll get access to the recording as well if you're unable to join Live. So check that out if you're interested. Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is Stephanie provides an incredible amount of wisdom, comfort and understanding. Her examples of relationship dynamics and behaviours are always so well observed and relevant to coping, whether it's as a people pleaser anxiously attached individual or someone mourning a breakup. Spoiler alert. I'm all three. I've been all three of those as well.
Stephanie Rigg [00:02:41]:
Don't you worry. All the topics that Stephanie dives into show that we're not alone and that these are really common emotions. Talking about it allows for healing and a path to more self worth and respect, which we all need. Thanks so much, Stephanie. Continue to follow your wonderful instincts and heart. Thank you for that review. I really do appreciate your very kind words and I'm glad that the podcast has been a support to you. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses, which by the way, you're able to include the building trust one that I said is coming up.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:14]:
You can elect to have that as your free masterclass and come along for free. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around Ghosting, why it happens and how to process it. And I should say this was actually in response to when I put the word out on Instagram asking people to submit podcast topic requests. Ghosting was one that came up a number of times. How do I not go into a self worth meltdown spiral if I've been ghosted by someone and I'm feeling really shitty about it? And I think that it's important to set the scene a little here and say that as always, there are degrees. There is a spectrum being ghosted by someone that you've only ever had online contact with versus being ghosted by someone that you're in a relationship with. I know that sounds wild, but some of the stories that I hear from people who've been in proper several year long relationships with a person and being on the brink of moving in together and then the person just disappears off the face of the earth and ghosts in a true sense of the word. So there's obviously degrees and the advice that I'm giving today might vary depending on where you sit on that spectrum.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:28]:
Obviously, the experience of being ghosted by a relative stranger is going to likely have less of an impact than being ghosted by someone that you're in a fully fledged relationship with and you envisaged a future with. And rightly so in the kind of situation that I just described. So recognising that there are degrees and ghosting can take many forms, but this idea of ghosting so someone is there and then they disappear. They become uncontactable, and they give no explanation. It's kind of unannounced. And it just leaves you reeling, because all of a sudden you don't know what happened and you had expectations and maybe you were really excited about this person. And then all of a sudden that is taken away from you without explanation. So I think when this happens to people who are more anxiously attached and unfortunately, I think that is probably the dynamic is that it tends to be anxious folks on the receiving end because from everything we know about anxious attachment, it's unlikely that you are going to be doing the ghosting.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:34]:
You are much more likely to be receiving the ghosting, which, as I said, is unfortunate, but it just is what it is. If you are someone who leans more anxious and you get ghosted, what's going to happen? Likely that you are going to spin out to be so overcome with questions and needing to find information and this doesn't make any sense. Poring over every single text message and going but they just said this and only yesterday they were responding and we were making plans. And all of that urge to how can I gather information and go into detective mode to try and make sense of this thing? Did I say something? What was it that I said? Were they angry there? They didn't seem angry based on their reply. How can I rationalise this thing that is sending me into an anxiety spiral? And I just want to say that's not on you. Meaning you're a weirdo for responding in that way, right? That's a normal response to unfortunate and hurtful and confusing behaviour. Ghosting is not good behaviour. It's not acceptable, it's not kind, it's not respectful, and it's absolutely understandable that you would respond to that by seeking answers.
Stephanie Rigg [00:06:46]:
But the great irony of this, and I've spoken about this before in the context of more broadly, like toxic relationships or really dysfunctional relationships, when they end that they can leave us with so many unanswered questions and just desperate for clarity and closure. And I just need to get in touch with this person and sit down with them so that they can explain to me what the hell happened, so I can make sense of it and make my peace with it and move on with my life, at least in a way that closes the chapter and it feels somewhat resolved. But when it just goes from one direction to falling off a cliff and I feel like I'm standing there looking around dazed and confused, not knowing what happened, that's a really challenging thing for the brain to make sense of and make peace with. I think Ghosting really falls into that same bucket with the added challenge of if someone has ghosted, the likelihood of them suddenly showing up and being available to have a closure wrap up conversation with you. Highly unlikely, right? And people always say to me, if someone ghosts, should you reach out and ask them for more explanation? Should I keep pushing and trying? Should I try contacting them and see why they ghosted? And again, I understand the urge. I understand the desire for resolution. But if you were to zoom out and look at that more objectively query whether this person who did not have the emotional maturity, the emotional capacity, the level of care or respect or investment in you and building a relationship with you to have a challenging conversation in the first place. They weren't able to sit down and say, hey, I'm not feeling it, or, hey, I'm freaking out, or I can't do this for whatever reason, right? The reasons aren't really that important.
Stephanie Rigg [00:08:39]:
The fact is that they couldn't bring themselves to do that or they didn't care enough to put themselves through the discomfort of having an honest conversation with you in the first place. That is why they resorted to ghosting. And I think in that case it's really unlikely that they're going to turn around and have developed magically the capacity to sit down and have an audit conversation with you where you do a post mortem and they explain themselves in a way that is helpful and allows you to do that emotional processing. So recognizing that Ghosting, while very unskillful and disrespectful is in a funny way its own form of communication, right? This person is telling you everything that you need to know in Ghosting and what they're telling you is I do not have capacity to be in relationship with you. Right? And please take that as a comment on their constraints. And ultimately, and I know that this is easier said than done, try and experience this as a gift because this person has revealed to you what their capacity is and there's a good chance that that capacity constraint would have been a barrier to intimacy at some other point in the relationship in any case, right? Because it's not just the ghosting. The ghosting is the behaviour that springs from that emotional unavailability which is really the core issue at play. And so again, it's not nice.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:17]:
It feels awful and it feels confusing and it really can very easily lead us to spiral into a lot of self doubt, a lot of worthlessness, a lot of shame and humiliation, embarrassment around being rejected. All of those are very normal feelings and hold those feelings. Don't try and make yourself not feel the thing but at the same time recognise that this person lacks a base level of emotional availability that would have allowed you to build something with them. So in a funny sort of way it's probably a blessing in disguise. Okay? Really if this has happened to you, my strong advice and of course, again, take it or leave it. And I know there's a million exceptions and a million iterations of this and of course take what works leaves what doesn't. But I think that if you can take a person ghosting as information and as an unskillful indirect form of communication of their capacity and investment level in you accept that as it is. Don't try and get anything from them.
Stephanie Rigg [00:11:30]:
And before reaching out to them to just sometimes people will say, okay, I don't expect a reply but I just want to give them a piece of my mind and tell them how much of whatever they are insert profanity here. And look you can do that if you want, but I think that oftentimes you're going to feel worse for it. My personal view is take the high road. Don't fire off angry texts that are just trying to beat someone down. I know that some parts of us can feel like we're better for it if we tell someone that they're terrible and that they're a piece of work and whatever else, you can get creative with what that message or email might look like. But I think that integrity and dignity and really staying true to our values and true to authenticity and self worth, I don't know that we have to stoop to the level of unleashing on someone and going on a tirade because I think that that is descending to the level of the person who has hurt you. Rather than holding your head up high and declining to participate in dynamics like that, you can tell someone that you're disappointed. But again, I think the golden rule here is if you are going to be hanging out for their reply in a way that is going to destabilize you and consume you, don't send the message.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:54]:
If you think that you can really send any message, whether it's heated or otherwise, and put your phone down and walk away and genuinely feel a sense of closure and detachment after you've done that, then fine, you can do that and that is absolutely at your discretion. If you're going to fire that message off and then be checking your phone every minute of every day for the next three weeks, waiting for their response, and you're going to be checking whether they've been online and checking, checking, checking, because I need to know whether they've seen it and whether they're going to reply, then I don't think that that's advisable. And I think that, you know, deep down, that that is not really helping you to let go. All of that being said, try to honor the emotions that come with this process because as I said, completely normal and natural. It's not a pleasant experience, it is not kind, it's not respectful, and it is normal and natural that you would feel hurt and disappointed and confused and embarrassed. All of those things are very normal, right? But try not to take that leap from those emotions to I'm worthless and this always happens to me because people don't like me and no one's ever going to like me. And all of those stories that really take us from pain to suffering and keep us stuck there, that's my quick Hot take on Ghosting. As I said, I think that unfortunately it's common enough that I hear about it all the time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:18]:
And unfortunately, I think with online dating there is a level of anonymity and a lack of accountability that allows people to just be lazy and be selfish and not be terribly considerate of the people that they are interacting with. But if that happens to you, you can very confidently rest assured that that is not the kind of person that you want to build a relationship with. Again, it's not to say they're a terrible person, but they lack the capacity, they lack the emotional availability and it's better you find that out sooner rather than later, even if it's not under circumstances that we would like as always. I hope that that has been helpful, you guys, and if you have enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review, a five star rating. If you're on Spotify, share it with the people in your life, share it on social media. It all adds up. And I am always so appreciative of all of your support. So thank you for being here, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Stephanie Rigg [00:15:10]:
Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again sooner.
How a Fear of Abandonment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
In today's episode, we're diving deep on the abandonment wound - a fear that lies at the heart of many insecure attachment patterns and relational dynamics. A fear of abandonment can show up in so many ways, and can keep us from experiencing relationships in a way that feels trusting, safe and secure.
We'll cover:
how it feels to fear abandonment in your relationship
different forms of abandonment (physical, emotional)
relational behaviours that a fear of abandonment can lead to
the link between self-abandonment and a fear of abandonment
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for my upcoming masterclass on Building Trust
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:51.08
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody, welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about how a fear of abandonment impacts our relationships. So as I was preparing for this episode, and I put the call out on Instagram for people to submit topic ideas, and a few people submitted the topic of a fear of abandonment and varying questions around that.
0:00:51.21 → 0:01:33.99
And as I was reflecting, it's kind of wild that we're at episode 97. I think this is of the podcast and I've never done an episode specifically on the fear of abandonment. And the reason that that seems a little wild is because, as many of you would know, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of a lot of anxious attachment patterns. And I know that anxious attachment is the experience of many of my listeners. So it's taken a while for us to get here to an episode exclusively on the fear of abandonment, even though we've touched on it in many different settings and many different conversations up until now.
0:01:34.11 → 0:02:29.51
But I'm hoping that in today's episode we can delve into it a little more specifically, looking at how that fear manifests itself, what behaviours it might drive us to, and I suppose talking about less obvious aspects of the fear of abandonment. And for a lot of people, it can be kind of confusing that they might identify with this fear. Given that it would make more sense if we'd been literally abandoned as a child, then that'd be a pretty direct joining of the dots, right? But for most people, hopefully, that hasn't been your experience, and yet this fear can really be very, very intense and profound and can be a very, very strong driving force in your relational patterns. So we're going to be diving into all of that today before I do.
0:02:29.71 → 0:03:20.21
Today is the last episode before doors close for this round of healing anxious attachment. So I think registration closes Sunday night, my time, so that's 48 hours from now thereabouts. If you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, as I said, I know many of you do and you're looking to make a change and get some support around that, I would really love to see you in the programme. As I've mentioned, I have a VIP offering this time round and that allows you to work directly with me in a small group setting over an eight week period. It's an online community, so you can connect with each other, which is really such a valuable aspect that I think a lot of people overlook having that connection and seeing that other people have the same embarrassing, neurotic thoughts that you do and do the same weird things.
0:03:20.38 → 0:03:58.59
There's a lot of shame that dissolves from having that community connection component. So whether you're interested in the course, in its classic version or the VIP programme with me, either way, I'd really encourage you to cheque it out if you're feeling the pull. As I said, this is the final call before registration closes, at least until later in the year. I'll likely run another round, I think, before the end of the year, but no solid plans yet, so best to jump in while you can. And you will have lifetime access to all the materials, so it's no big issue if you have a busy period coming up and you can't keep to an eight week programme or anything like that.
0:03:58.76 → 0:04:38.40
Okay, let's dive into this conversation around the fear of abandonment. So, as I said in the introduction, a fear of abandonment is really at the heart of anxious attachment. We know that, right? And that fear is what, for many of us, drives us to really desire closeness and to really feel a lot of anxiety around distance separation or anything that might feel threatening to the primacy of the relationship. And the other person, when we're in relationship, becomes our safety blanket, they become our power source, they become our anchor, and that really exists outside of us.
0:04:38.50 → 0:05:27.08
I've mentioned before on the podcast, when talking about the origin story of anxious attachment, that a really common theme that emerges across a million different variations and contexts and nuance and family systems is inconsistency. So the anxiously attached child has an overall positive impression of connection and love, but they can't rely on it. So there's this sense of, it feels so good when we're connected, but I can't trust that you are going to be there when I need you. So when I call for you, there is some inconsistency or unreliability in your responsiveness to my cues. And because of that, the anxiously attached child becomes hyperactivated in their attempts at getting and keeping connection.
0:05:27.19 → 0:05:51.97
Because it's like, if I don't know whether you're going to come when I call, I don't want you to ever go. Because that exposes me to the risk that you will not be available to me when I need you. And that feels terrifying to me. Right? And we see that that pattern, which for most people is an origin story from childhood in one form or another, carries through to our adult relationships.
0:05:52.07 → 0:06:19.97
Right? So with a partner, it's not like I'm terrified of being alone, full stop. And I think that this is a really important distinction because in my experience, personally and working with a lot of people on this, it's not so much I'm scared of ever being by myself, I'm scared of spending time alone, of being in my own company. That's not it. I think that's an oversimplification and kind of misses the mark.
0:06:20.09 → 0:06:59.45
I think the fear of abandonment is more I'm scared that in a moment when I might need you, you won't be there for me. And so as a result, I would rather not take the risk of separation or distance when I feel like you are unreachable to me. Okay? So I think that related to that is this fear of emotional abandonment. And I think, again, as I spoke to in the start, it's not so much physical abandonment, literal abandonment in the sense of someone just upping and leaving although that can be a factor, right?
0:06:59.54 → 0:07:57.32
And a lot of people can fear someone breaking up with them in the relationship ending. But if you are in a more stable long term relationship and that doesn't seem like a risk, you don't have any sort of conscious fears that your partner is actually going to leave you. What you might experience is this sense of emotional abandonment. So when you feel like you are again reaching for someone and they are not there or they are shutting you out or there's some sort of unavailability in a moment of emotional need and feeling alone with your big emotions can feel very daunting. So it's this fear of what if I am either today or in the future, sad or lonely or afraid and I can't rely on you to soothe me in that and I can't rely on you to help me through that experience.
0:07:57.77 → 0:09:09.49
And again, this links back to what I've spoken about many times before, which is that the anxious person tends to be overly reliant on their attachment figure. So that's usually a caregiver in childhood and a romantic partner later in life they tend to be overly reliant on that figure to do all of the soothing work, right, because they have typically an underdeveloped capacity for self soothing. And so there's this sense of if I have these big emotions and I don't believe in your reliability to be there for me and kind of rescue me almost from those experiences that feel so overwhelming to me, that's terrifying. And so whether that's a real or imagined scenario, whether that's present day or hypothetical future scenario, that can trigger a lot of stuff as well this sense of you're not going to be there when I need you and that is not okay, right? The last thing I'll say in sort of framing this issue is and it's in the same vein as what I was just saying around it's not so much the fear of being alone as it is the fear of letting go or disconnecting.
0:09:09.62 → 0:09:58.55
So I think that again, many people who I work with would identify with anxious attachment but they might have been on their own for a while, maybe they've been single for years. And what I'll often hear is people saying I'm quite happy with my life, right? I'm quite content in my life but as soon as I'm in relationship, all of my anxious stuff comes up and I get really afraid of losing the person and that drives me into all of these behaviours. And I think that the way I make sense of that is there is this fear of having to disconnect from a person, having to let go of a person, having to lose a person. That fear of loss and grief and decoupling ourselves from someone who we love and care about, that feels more like the fear than just the being alone.
0:09:58.71 → 0:10:38.45
So I think that it is that transition from connection to disconnection that really triggers the anxiously attached person. And again, that makes sense when we look at inconsistency as being part of that origin story blueprint that created these patterns within us in the first place. So I just wanted to set that up as framing our discussion, just drawing out some more nuanced takes on what we're really talking about with this fear of abandonment. And that might not be your experience. Maybe you do really directly and literally fear abandonment and maybe that has been your experience and that makes sense.
0:10:38.65 → 0:11:24.07
But I think for a lot of people it tends to be a bit more indirect than that or a bit less literal. And it is these senses of like, I fear emotional abandonment. I fear that you won't be there when I need you. I fear I cannot rely on you to take care of me, to respond to me, to be available to me, to even rescue me when I'm in distress. And when we have that kind of story and that feeling, that's a pretty good sign that we're carrying some burdens from childhood, because even as I say that, I'm scared that I'm going to be distressed and alone and you're not going to be there to save me, that's a very young kind of story.
0:11:24.14 → 0:11:53.40
That's a very childlike fear. And I don't mean that disparagingly. It's not saying you're being juvenile, but just recognising how that part of us might be a young part that's holding that fear and maybe doesn't realise that we are an adult and that we have more capacity than we once did to hold ourselves through that. Now, let's explore a few ways that this fear of abandonment can impact our relationships. There are lots of these, right?
0:11:53.42 → 0:12:49.39
There are a lot of tentacles, there are a lot of branches that come from this tree. But some of the ones that occurred to me while I was preparing for this episode were a desire to be chosen really fully and almost like, I want you to be obsessed with me. Because if you are so desperately in love with me and you think I'm the most incredible person in the world and you can't live without me, then you probably won't ever leave me. And that feels like I'm derisking on that fear because you think I am an indispensable part of your life. Whereas if you would be perfectly fine without me and you're just choosing me and it feels a little bit more balanced and less intense, then that might feel riskier that I'm going to lose you because you aren't as attached and dependent upon me as I might be to you.
0:12:49.51 → 0:13:08.46
Another way that it impacts us is this primacy of connection, right? And again I've spoken about this on the podcast a million times. For the anxiously attached person, connection is king. It is absolutely top rung. It is everything.
0:13:09.23 → 0:14:12.65
Prioritise and protect the relationship at all costs, that is the most important drive for us in creating safety for ourselves. If I can protect the relationship, I can protect myself. And we can see how that is related to this fear of abandonment because I don't trust that I would be okay if I had to deal with either you being in relationship with me but being emotionally absent or unreachable, or if you were to leave me or I were to leave you, the relationship were to end. I can't fathom having to let go of you and emotionally detach from you because that feels impossible. So this primacy of the connection and if I just nurture the connection above all else, if I drop everything in my life to make sure that you're okay and we're okay and you're happy and you love me and we don't fight and don't want to rock the boat and make sure there's no threat to our relationship, then that feels like the way that I'm protecting against all of those fears.
0:14:12.81 → 0:14:42.44
Related to this is the tendency to overstay in unhealthy dynamics. Now I have been guilty of this. I know that so many people that I work with, people I speak to on instagram, struggle with this a lot. The inability to let go, right? It's like I just will stay and stay and stay and keep trying and keep pushing and one more time and one more chance and just a little bit longer.
0:14:42.89 → 0:15:42.33
Because again that inability to let go, that the resistance to decoupling, to disentangling ourselves emotionally, physically from this person who we have attached so tightly to that can feel like nothing would be worth, that nothing could be so bad as to justify that. And so the bar has to be so high in order for us to feel like a relationship is worth walking away from. That is usually an absolute last resort. And while I'm all for putting in the work to make a relationship work and not being overly flighty as soon as things get hard, anxious, attaches. And as I said, I've been absolutely guilty of this in the past, can take this to extremes where it's patently unhealthy, not working, really not supporting your well being and is so far short of what you really desire for yourself in your life.
0:15:42.40 → 0:16:09.84
And if someone had said to you before you were in the relationship, here's what it's going to look like, what do you think? Do you want to go ahead, you probably would say absolutely not. But when you're in it and you're so far gone you just can't let go, you just want to hold on a little longer. And I think that is related to this fear of abandonment, among other things. The last thing that I wanted to raise is the self abandonment piece.
0:16:09.97 → 0:17:05.06
And again, this could be a whole episode, but self abandonment in the sense of suppressing needs, going with the flow, people pleasing, just do whatever the other person wants, fearing that to be difficult is to be unlovable, which will lead to someone not wanting us. Right. Relatedly in conflict, we might raise something that's concerning us and then very quickly back down because we are too uncomfortable with the conflict. And the conflict feels like a precursor to abandonment or a precursor to the relationship ending, which, as we've just discussed, feels very unsafe and nothing feels worth it. So whatever need we were voicing that felt very important at the moment we were voicing it, when it's pitted against the possibility of the relationship ending or feeling threatened, it very quickly dissolves and becomes unimportant relative to the importance of protecting the relationship.
0:17:05.37 → 0:17:45.44
Right. So I think that again, in an indirect way, that fear of abandonment is driving our patterns of self abandonment and deprioritizing all of our very valid and genuine needs in relationship in favour of just keeping the relationship going and intact. Okay? So I hope that that has been helpful as a bit of a deep dive into the fear of abandonment, how it can show up and some of the behaviours and patterns that it can drive in our relationship. As I said, if this resonates with you, please do cheque out healing anxious Attachment we go into all of this and so much more in a lot of detail.
0:17:45.57 → 0:18:07.89
There's eight modules, 10 hours of video, guided meditations, workbooks notes. It's very comprehensive and over a thousand students have completed the course and it's got absolutely rave reviews. So if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment, I would love to see you in there. Enrollment is open for another couple of days. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me guys.
0:18:07.93 → 0:18:30.12
I hope you have a beautiful weekend and I will see you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating.
0:18:30.18 → 0:18:34.38
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
The Importance of Discomfort in Life & Relationships
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable. Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
In today’s episode, we’re talking all about discomfort — specifically, why it’s so essential in any healing journey to reframe the way we approach and relate to getting uncomfortable.
Most of us recoil at the first sign of discomfort, preferring to stay squarely within the domain of what we know and can control. But this often means we’re confining ourselves to a very limited experience of what’s possible in our lives.
We’ll cover:
Why we tend to gravitate towards what is familiar and known
How embracing discomfort builds resilience
Physical protocols for exploring discomfort
Building our emotional capacity for discomfort
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join my signature program, Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
0:00:04.41 → 0:00:42.96
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. You hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm going to be talking all about discomfort, and specifically the importance of getting uncomfortable, of discomfort in building our capacity in life and in relationships.
0:00:43.15 → 0:01:48.54
So this is something that has been a really big part of my personal journey and it's also a key theme in the work that I do with clients and students, because I think that we are collectively really wired for comfort, probably as a baseline, as human beings, comfort equals familiarity, equals safety. So there's a strong tendency to cling to that which we know, which tends to be that which is known and comfortable. Right? But I think a huge part of building our capacity and growing lies in doing things that are new and are unknown and are uncertain and really stretching ourselves. And I think that the more we use comfort as our North Star almost, when we're just always choosing the comfortable thing, the known thing, the thing that provides us with a semblance of control and certainty, then we're always going to be getting more of what we've already got, which for a lot of us is not really what we want.
0:01:48.59 → 0:02:12.76
We want a different experience, we want new patterns, new dynamics in our lives. We want to grow, we want to expand, we want to evolve. And yet oftentimes we still, consciously or not, cling to what is known and what is comfortable. And I think oftentimes that is at ODS with our desire to grow and evolve. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts around this today.
0:02:13.13 → 0:02:49.98
My own journey with embracing discomfort and the rewards that I've reaped from doing that and making that a practise. And how you might start to turn towards discomfort and use that as a way to build your own capacity and self trust and self respect, self worth, all of those other good things that I talk about a lot. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that registration for healing, anxious attachment is still open. The early bird period has closed now, but registration for the course is still open for another few days.
0:02:50.16 → 0:03:31.37
And that includes the live programme, which you might have heard me mention, which is an upgrade from the classic course, which is a self paced course. The live programme includes an eight week container, working with me in a small group setting, 690 minutes live group coaching calls and an online community for you all to connect. Share your experiences as you go through the programme. And really build those relationships with other people who are in the same situation, same boat as you, which I think in itself, can be very healing. So if you are interested, you can head straight to my website and you should be able to find the sign up page relatively easily or we will link that in the show notes as well.
0:03:31.49 → 0:03:58.73
Second quick announcement is just to share the featured review. This one was pulled from Spotify and it was thank you so much for this life changing podcast. The quality and depth of every subject is enlightening and really has helped me make fundamental changes in my life. Thanks, Greg, I really appreciate that and I'm glad to hear it. If you're listening to this, Greg, you can send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and we'll set you up with free access to one of my master classes as a way to say thank you for taking the time.
0:03:58.88 → 0:04:40.74
All right, so let's talk about discomfort and the role of discomfort in life and in relationships. So I think that for those of us, particularly who tend towards insecure attachment patterns, discomfort is something that we experience a lot of, probably, but also have a really visceral response against. So, because we don't have a level of trust within ourselves and in our capacity to navigate difficult things, as soon as we come up against discomfort, there can be a very strong urge to pull away. Right? And again, as I said in the introduction, there's a human element to this, right?
0:04:40.79 → 0:05:21.29
We are survival driven beings and that is always going to be our primary drive, is to do the thing that is going to most aid or most increase the likelihood of our survival. Right. Our base systems of the body are not interested in enlightenment and self actualization, they're interested in survival. And so there can be a really strong reaction against things that feel threatening in some way. And when we can recognise that, things that are unknown are often going to feel unsafe because they are unfamiliar.
0:05:21.42 → 0:06:10.61
And our nervous system is really primed to help us stay alive. And when it can't predict how something's going to go is your nervous system is essentially a predictive tool. It calls upon everything that you've ever experienced and seen and absorbed from the world around you and sort of philtres all of that and goes, okay, what do I have on this situation, these sensations in my body, this emotional experience, this relational dynamic, what information do I have on this? And it'll call on all of those things and make an assessment of how safe or dangerous the situation is and urge you to act accordingly. And so if something is new or unknown or unfamiliar or uncomfortable, then your body brain, nervous system is going to be saying, don't go there.
0:06:10.68 → 0:06:30.57
That's no good. We don't know how to control that outcome, we don't know how to make sure that that's safe. So it's best to be avoided, right? The trouble with this is, as I said in the introduction that we end up staying in our comfort zone. There's all of those quotes that you see plastered all over the internet.
0:06:31.23 → 0:06:48.31
Growth happens outside your comfort zone. It's a little bit naff, but it's not untrue. Right. The analogy that my therapist always gives is like if you're training at the gym and you're lifting weights, everything in your body is going to be telling you like, put the damn thing down. It's heavy.
0:06:48.36 → 0:07:18.38
This is uncomfortable. Right. But we can know rationally that that point is the point where it's most important that we stay in the discomfort and that we edge out beyond that point where our body and brain wants to quit or wants to pull back from the discomfort. Right. So as much as it makes sense that we would cling to things that feel comfortable and known, and it makes sense that we would recoil from discomfort, whether that's physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, or any other kind of discomfort.
0:07:18.54 → 0:07:52.03
And while there is absolutely wisdom in listening to our intuitive knowledge, it's not to say that you should just always override what your body is telling you to do. I think that a huge part of growing is in changing the way that we relate to discomfort. Okay? And I think the more we can change our mindset around it and go, okay, discomfort is an opportunity for me to build my capacity. That is really, really fertile ground for self exploration.
0:07:52.19 → 0:08:31.51
And relatively, I think, exploring the way we relate to stress and not in the sense of chronic stress burnout because I don't think anyone would be arguing that that is an opportunity and that that is growth enhancing. I think quite the contrary, but more situational stress, it is really what triggers an adaptation in us. Right? Again, going back to the gym example, it's only when you're putting those muscles under stress which happens when you are stretching yourself, that's what triggers the adaptation after the fact. You're not going to get any growth or adaptation from the first rep in your first set because that is comfortable and it's not challenging you.
0:08:31.60 → 0:09:23.71
Right. So I think that recognising the opportunity that lies in staying in discomfort and, as I said, reframing the way that we relate to discomfort and seeing it as a challenge and an opportunity and recognising that our expansion lives on the other side of our courage in lingering in that discomfort is very, very transformative in the relationship that we have with ourselves, but also with the world around us and with life. Because when we are motivated by staying comfortable and we don't want to stretch ourselves and we actively shy away from discomfort, then we become very, very fragile. Right? We try and avoid situations, people, dynamics that could lead us to feel uncomfortable.
0:09:24.05 → 0:10:20.17
We stay in a bubble of what we know. And as I said, it's almost like we shape our lives around trying to avoid the things that could lead us to feel discomfort. Whereas when we open ourselves to the possibility of discomfort and trust ourselves to be resilient in experiencing that discomfort and coming out the other side, not only surviving it, but actually being stronger for it, then I think we become quite resilient in a way that we just aren't. If we're so attached to the idea of comfort and familiarity and certainty, and really, while it's a different entry point into the conversation, this is the essence of everything that I teach, frankly, in relationships and in the podcast In Anxious Attachment. It's like, can I build up my own inner capacity to be with whatever arises in my life and in my relationships?
0:10:20.30 → 0:11:26.55
Such that I'm not living in fear all the time, such that I trust my ability to hold it, even if it doesn't feel good, even if it's frightening or overwhelming or painful or hard, that I can feel those things and I can be with those emotions and those sensations and I can survive it. And we really give ourselves these embodied experiences of our own efficacy and our own strength and our own capability that we just never get to experience if we're constantly in avoidance and in that running away and pulling back, and that clinging to the familiar, to clinging to what we can control. Right? And I think that having those embodied experiences of like, oh, yeah, that was really hard. But here I am on the other side of it that might start in the gym or in doing a cold plunge or any other number of practises that we might look at as a way to build this discomfort muscle.
0:11:27.13 → 0:12:04.94
It might start in those settings, but it really ripples out throughout your life and it teaches you, oh, yeah, I can feel pain and discomfort and survive and be okay. Right. So I think on that note, some protocols or some practises that you might wish to explore on the physical side for me, and I did say that I'd speak to my own journey with this. I used to be someone who was very much comfortable and I had really no desire or interest in being uncomfortable. I didn't really like any sort of strenuous physical activity.
0:12:05.08 → 0:12:20.00
And I told myself a story and told others a story of, like, why would you want to do hard exercise? That sounds awful. No, thank you. I'll just go for a nice walk or do an easy yoga class or something. This is nothing against walking or yoga.
0:12:20.03 → 0:12:40.65
I still love both of those things very much. But I had this attitude towards physical challenge of like, no, thank you, I'll be fine. That's not for me. And I can look back on that now and recognise how much that was coming from a self protective place, because I didn't think I could do it right. I didn't think I had it in me.
0:12:40.69 → 0:13:11.18
I didn't trust myself. I thought I'd be bad at it or I thought I'd fail, I thought I'd be weak, thought I'd be embarrassed, and so I just didn't. And I think in this broader conversation around discomfort, that's probably true in a lot of the things that we don't do because it's uncomfortable is, oh, I don't want to fail. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I don't want to be in pain or struggle because I might feel shame or humiliation or any of those things.
0:13:12.03 → 0:14:03.18
So for me, a real turning point was kind of getting out of my own way there. And physical exercise and really learning to embrace challenging exercise has been a huge part of my own journey with this. And I think I've told the story on the show before, a few years ago, when I was in a previous relationship that was not very good and I was nearing the end of that and I kind of knew I was nearing the end of it, but I didn't quite have the courage yet. I didn't quite have the resolve or, frankly, the plan on how I was going to do that and what I was going to do and what my life was going to look like. All of those things that can come with the impending end of a difficult relationship.
0:14:03.55 → 0:14:30.77
And I set myself the challenge to run 100 kilometres over the course of a month. And for some people who are runners, that's not a great deal, that's not a huge distance, right? But for me, definitely not being a runner at all, that was a big deal to set that goal. And I did it. I ran every day or every other day, and I reached that goal of 100 kilometres over the course of the month.
0:14:30.84 → 0:15:24.51
And not only was it significant that I set the goal and I did it even though it was hard, but there was this funny thing that happened whereby it was really, really hard at first, and then it got easier as I got better and stronger and my fitness improved. And it was exhilarating to experience my own growth in a very direct, visceral, observable, measurable way. I got faster and I wasn't so out of breath and I could actually enjoy the process. So that, for me, was really symbolic and significant. And it wasn't long after that that wasn't the only reason, but it wasn't long after that that I did kind of bite the bullet and face the discomfort and the unknown of leaving that relationship because I had a newfound trust in my ability to do hard things.
0:15:24.71 → 0:15:56.95
So since then, in my own life, doing more physically challenging things and constantly stretching myself in that respect has become a big part of my spiritual, if we want to call it that, emotional practise of embracing discomfort and observing discomfort and the thoughts that go into my head when I'm doing something physically hard, telling me, oh, I can't do this. This is hard. And then the other voice, which is kind of a wise inner voice, saying, yes, you can. You can do this. Even if it's for another 30 seconds, you can do this.
0:15:57.12 → 0:16:10.88
And just trusting that and doing it and then going, okay, there you go, 30 seconds more, that's an achievement. I'm building the container, right? So finding something doesn't have to be running. It doesn't have to be lifting weights. It doesn't have to be anything.
0:16:11.01 → 0:16:55.02
But finding something for you that is physically challenging, I think is a really, really beautiful, effective way to develop your capacity to be with discomfort, develop your self trust and your self respect. And to do that in a very embodied way. So that your system, your brain, your body goes, yeah, I'm strong and I can do hard things, and I can feel really, really good for having done them. A more emotional or mental example of a practise here, I think we could really use just working through a trigger or a difficult emotion. So, again, often when we feel let's use anxiety as an example that most, if not all of you will relate to.
0:16:55.20 → 0:17:36.04
When we feel something like that, often we go, oh, my God, something bad's happening. And rather than actually just staying with the discomfort of the emotion, we launch into trying to make it stop. So that might be I fire off a million text messages, or I go and have an argument with someone or I do something, but I'm really trying to not have to make contact with the thing that I'm feeling that feels so uncomfortable. And I think that while we can understand where that's coming from, because the felt sense, the felt experience of anxiety is not pleasant, right? It's uncomfortable and it's big and it's overwhelming, actually.
0:17:36.14 → 0:18:30.79
Just staying with it and going, okay, what's going on? For me, rather than trying to get away from our feelings, can we spend a bit of time with them and delve into them a little now, of course, there will be times when that is not the thing that you need, and there will be situations where you might need to avoid rather than jump into a feeling. And I will trust you to be discerning about what you need in any given moment. But building up our capacity to if you get triggered or stressed or something happens in your relationship and it feels really destabilising to your system, can you stay connected to yourself through that experience rather than scrambling to try and control the situation outwardly or to get away from it? So what's going on with me?
0:18:30.96 → 0:18:46.35
What am I feeling in my body? What stories am I telling myself? Why does this feel so unsafe for me? What am I saying in my head? What conversations am I rehearsing with this person who has upset me?
0:18:46.52 → 0:19:20.64
What do I need? Okay. And really just like, staying with the experience of our own feelings, even though they will be uncomfortable. And you notice when you stay with the primary emotion that it tends to pass much more quickly. But it's only when we either jump up to the level of story and we perpetuate the emotion by spinning around in a lot of really painful stories or we try and get away from it and avoid it and the emotion just gets bigger and louder because we're not tending to it.
0:19:21.09 → 0:20:01.96
Then we're experiencing the discomfort anyway, but not really in a way that is adaptive or allows us to grow through it. So if that's one that you can relate to a really simple practise and again, it doesn't have to be every single time you feel a difficult emotion but actually just tuning in and staying, even if it's again staying. For 30 seconds with the physical experience of anxiety. Maybe journaling or just sitting and wrapping yourself in a hug and rocking back and forth and just soothing yourself as you would soothe a child and really staying in that and just noticing what happens. Right?
0:20:02.09 → 0:20:49.08
So the last thing that I want to say on this, and again, you will have heard me speak about this before, if you've done any of my programmes or you've listened to some of the episodes I've done around nervous system regulation, but the core principle underlying any of this is uncomfortable but safe. Okay? So we don't want to push our systems to a level of discomfort that is so far outside of our capacity that we're going to experience almost whiplash or some sort of snap back to comfort zone because it was too much shock or too much overwhelm, right? So it really is an incremental process of building our capacity. That's why I give these examples of 30 seconds beyond when you want to quit or 30 seconds, right?
0:20:49.13 → 0:21:37.67
It's not that you have to go from zero to running a marathon, it's just can I, bit by bit, build up my capacity so that over time I can look back and go, wow, look how far I've come. I used to totally spin out in a panic attack and now I'm able to quietly observe my feelings and my thoughts and stay with those and choose how I'm going to respond, right? It's not some big glamorous breakthrough. It's just a bit by bit, day by day, moment by moment process of stepping into something that is uncomfortable, but ultimately that we know to be safe. And that's a really important point in doing all of this in a way that is self responsible and self loving.
0:21:37.83 → 0:22:36.12
So I hope that's been an interesting conversation for you and has given you something to think about the way that you experience comfort and discomfort in your own life. And I should say that I'm not out here trying to be a disciplinarian and telling you that you need to crack the whip and get uncomfortable all the time and do military drills and all of that kind of thing. Again, it's discomfort in a way that is an act of love towards ourselves, because we know that it's in aid of our growth. And that doesn't mean that in every moment of every day you need to be seeking out discomfort, but really pendulating between comfort and discomfort so that we have trust in our ability to be with both, to be with. Whatever arises, rather than having to hide from the world and from our lives in a way that really makes us very small and very fragile and vulnerable and blocks us from having the openness to experience that most of us desire.
0:22:36.26 → 0:22:49.14
If you've enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a rating or a review. It really does help so much. Share it with the people in your life who you think might enjoy it. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care, guys.
0:22:50.55 → 0:23:12.66
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
3 Essential Ingredients to Make a Relationship Work
Are you constantly asking yourself why your relationships don't seem to be working out, even when you've given it your all? Today, let's tear down the walls of confusion and delve into an enlightening conversation on the three core essentials of a successful relationship that many of us might be overlooking. It's an eye-opening discussion drawn from my personal experiences and my work with numerous individuals on how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Are you constantly asking yourself why your relationships don't seem to be working out, even when you've given it your all? Today, let's tear down the walls of confusion and delve into an enlightening conversation on the three core essentials of a successful relationship that many of us might be overlooking. It's an eye-opening discussion drawn from my personal experiences and my work with numerous individuals on how to build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
Get ready to unpack the essence of compatibility, not just on the surface level, but the structural alignment of your life goals with your partner, a missed detail that often keeps relationships in a damaging loop of unresolved conflicts. Alongside understanding compatibility, we'll navigate the often tricky terrains of commitment and capacity. We'll unravel how these key elements interact, and more importantly, how to discern when it is an issue of willingness or capacity.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join My Signature Program, Healing Anxious Attachment Healing Anxious Attachment
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I am answering a listener question of how do I navigate being newly single in my mid thirtys. I feel like I'm running out of time. This is a question that I'm sure so many of you will resonate with maybe not being in your mid 30s, although I think there's a big chunk of you that might fall into that demographic. But just this sense of my life hasn't played out in the way that I envisaged and I feel like all of a sudden I'm scrambling and I am running out of time and we can really feel an overwhelming sense of scarcity. It can really rob us of the joy and the ability to be present in our lives as they are today and can lead us to feel really hopeless and deflated about what our future might hold.
[00:01:18]:
So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this and navigating being newly single, how you might approach dating from a mindset point of view, and how to really honour the desires that you have without feeling hopeless or overwhelmed or demoralised by where you find yourself. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just want to share the featured review. This one was from Spotify and it said your show has been life-changing. Your words let me wrestle with what resonates and I could not be more grateful. Thank you for all you do because you're actually helping people look inward and heal. Thank you so much for your beautiful words. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes.
[00:02:06]:
I also just want to say before I start this episode, I've mentioned this a couple of times before on the show, but my higher love course is a breakup course. But the first three modules are around grieving, the breakup. And the second three modules, there are six in total, are around looking to the future and really figuring out who am I and what do I desire? And really levelling up in terms of where we're at and what we want and our self-confidence and our self-worth, self-esteem so that you can think about reentering the dating world if that's what you desire, from a place that is not just going to be a rinse and repeat of your old patterns. Because there's nothing worse than feeling like we've had a fresh start and then we actually just end up right back where we started. So if you are in that situation, akin to the person who asked the question that is the topic of this episode. You can use the code Phoenix to save $150 on my Higher Love course if you enter that code at checkout on my website and we'll link that in the show notes. But that is a really great resource. I kind of forget about that course sometimes because it's always available on my website, but it is actually one that gets incredible feedback.
[00:03:17]:
And a lot of people who've then gone on to work with me in more intimate capacities really rave about Higher Love as being the turning point in their journey after a relationship ended. So if that's you and you're looking for some more support, definitely cheque that out. Okay, so let's talk about this, how to navigate being newly single in my mid thirty s, I feel like I'm out of time. I just really want to validate how very, very understandable this is, particularly for women. I think that oftentimes it is women who have this sentiment and this sense of scarcity around timing, particularly if you want to have kids. There's no denying that there is a timing reality, right? There are timing constraints around having kids. And while it's not to say that if you're in your mid 30s, time is up, time is also not infinite and limitless, and so it's really understandable that you'd be feeling all of those things. I think society gives us a lot of messaging around that.
[00:04:11]:
And again, for women, even putting the kids piece to one side, I think we really have been conditioned to feel like our value starts to plummet as we age as women. And so I just want to really validate all of the things that you're feeling, and I'm not just going to tell you like, oh, it's all in your head, don't worry about it, because I don't think that that would be helpful or honest. So it can be really hard to be grappling with all of those messages that we get and whatever realities might exist in terms of timing constraints. So I just really want to say, like, I get it. I think that's really, really normal. And as I said, so many of the people that I work with are in a similar boat. And that is really what brings them to me. Because it's like okay, I feel like I need to get serious about this now because maybe I've spent my twenty s and the first part of my 30s really focused on career or other things and in this youthful sense of having limitless time and then waking up one day and realising like, oh, okay, I'm not getting any younger, and there are still things that I really desire for my life, and I probably need to start moving on those things.
[00:05:22]:
So it is a really common experience that a lot of the people I work with will relate to. I think when we layer on to that, being newly single, if you've been in a long term relationship and you really pictured a future with that person and that's what you thought you were working towards, and you thought you kind of had it all laid out in front of you to have that taken away. I think we don't talk enough about the grief that is grief of a future that we thought we were going to have. Often we think about grief as being a backwards looking thing, something we're grieving the memories, we're grieving the past. But a huge piece of that grief when a relationship ends, a long term relationship where we pictured a future is grieving the future that we won't have with that person and grieving our fear of the unknown that now lies ahead of us when we thought we had it all figured out. So I think that really allowing yourself to grieve and to feel that is an important part because, again, just bypassing all of that and trying to bottle it up or try and push it down and telling yourself, like, there's no point being upset about it, here's where I am. I understand the part that wants to just white knuckle it through, but it's probably a short term solution. It's probably not going to really deal with the underlying reality of how you're feeling.
[00:06:40]:
So allowing yourself plenty of time and space to grieve not only the past but also the future. And when you've done that, and I say when you've done that, as if it's a nice to do list item that you can cheque off neatly, which of course is not the case. But in addition to that, I suppose the reframe I would offer you and the mindset piece that you might want to feel into is what possibilities arise from the reality of where I'm at right now. If my life has thrown me a curveball and it's not what I hoped or expected, that can be true. And at the same time we can go, okay, I have an opportunity here, and I have the power to decide. I have a level of freedom and autonomy at this moment in time in my life. And I can use this to get really, really clear and really empowered in what I truly desire for myself. And I think that a lot of people go look around them and go, everyone's married and has kids, and I'm not even close.
[00:07:47]:
How can I not feel defeated and deflated by that? But I think it's really important to remind ourselves that comparison we all know that comparison is not helpful. We all do it, of course, and it's not like, okay, I'll just flip the switch in my brain for comparison, and then I won't do that anymore. I think we all do that somewhat naturally, but it's important to remind yourself that you're not comparing apples with apples. You looking at your life and then comparing it to the person you went to high school with who's had everything play out the way that society would say is the right path or is kind of the traditional path. You don't know what's going on there. You don't know that that person's storybook. Life is as it seems. And I think we all have really imperfect information.
[00:08:31]:
As we all know, social media is a highlights real and of course it is. We don't really tend to show the hard stuff in real-time when it's messy and it's challenging and it's uncertain. So just reminding yourself that that comparison game when you're looking around you on social media, it's really bad data and it's just going to skew you towards feeling like your life is shit and everyone else's is great. So I think reminding yourself of that when you go into comparison. But also someone else's life might not actually be what you want, or they might be married and have kids, but maybe their marriage is not of the level of depth and connection that you desire. And maybe you haven't been willing to make certain sacrifices that someone else has. So just like trying to stay in your lane and go, okay, I'm here for whatever reason. I'm here because of my desires.
[00:09:19]:
I'm here because of my limits. I'm here because of my boundaries. I'm here because of my experiences. I'm here. And so what am I going to do with it, right? What am I going to do with this moment in time in my life? How can I really go all in on myself? How can I be so steadfastly committed to being the best version of myself? Not in the sense of like, I have to strive to be perfect in order for someone to choose me. But how can I really commit to my health, my well being, my emotional development, my spiritual development, whatever that means to you, in a way that you can cultivate peace and contentedness and joy and vibrancy and vitality in your being and trusting that from that place you're far more likely to attract or be attracted to people who are on a similar wavelength and who have similar values, who are looking for similar things. Whereas I think if we allow ourselves to spiral into the scarcity and into the fear and into the I'm running out of time, I'm just going to have to settle for the first person who buys me a drink. Of course we're going to end up with an approximation, maybe a sad approximation of what we truly desire.
[00:10:33]:
So I've done a podcast episode in the past around how to enjoy being single when I really want a relationship. And I think it's ultimately similar advice but with the overlay of that contextual factor of being in your mid thirty s and feeling like you're running out of time, it's like you can really lean into that experience of where you're at right now. And the season of life that you're in and really embrace that and really make the most of it, really make it juicy and vibrant and vital while also holding the desire and really fiercely holding the desire for partnership, if that's what you desire. So getting really clear, not just like I want a partner, but I want depth of connection and I want commitment and I want someone to build a life with. I want co creation of a vision. I want us to really be supportive of another's dreams, just go really all in on the vision. I think a lot of people in this situation start diluting or watering down their desires, and I would say that's the opposite of what we really want to be doing. Of course we don't want to be overly prescriptive around.
[00:11:37]:
I need someone who's this height and has all these physical attributes and getting a little bit rigid in what we desire in a partner, in a superficial sense, but really allowing yourself to get very clear around values and desired feelings in the relationship and not really being willing to compromise on the things that you know deep in your heart you're not really willing to compromise on and giving yourself full permission. And I think when we balance these two things, it's like, I'm really committed to creating a vibrant life and a full life, a life that feels rich and joyful and wonderful. And I'm really desiring a partner in a relationship that has these qualities. We are able to hold both and we can go, okay, I'm willing to wait to find that, to find that partner, that kind of relationship. And I don't really need to compromise dramatically on what I truly want because I've got all of this vibrancy and joy and vitality in my life and the season that I'm in. So I think they actually really support each other when we can hold both of those things. So I hope that that's been helpful as like a little pep talk and a little mindset reframe. I know it's really hard, I know it's really easy to feel weighed down by all of those societal messages, particularly as a woman.
[00:12:56]:
The pressure of time feels really big and really real, but life is long and I'm sure there are a lot of people listening who are much older than their mid-30s who are going, wow, I wish I could snap my fingers and be in my mid 30s again and start fresh. So reminding ourselves it's all relative and we're still alive for as long as we're here, right? Like, today's a new day and all we can do is figure out what our next move is and decide how we want to be and who we want to be and trust that from that place of intentionality and integrity we will be okay and that we can create something really beautiful for ourselves. So I hope that that's been helpful. I'm sending you lots of love to the question asker and anyone else who is in a similar situation and feeling a little downtrodden. And as I said, if you do want to cheque out my Higher Love course, you can use the code Phoenix to get $150 off at checkout. Otherwise, so grateful for you all joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.
[00:14:01]:
If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.