#117 How do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for?
In today's episode, I'm answering a listener's question of "How do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for?" This is a big question, and unfortunately it's one of those messy ones that no one can tell you the answer to. What's worth fighting for according to one person, might be simply too hard and too much for another.
We'll cover:
Fear of regret no matter what we choose
Focusing on what you can control
How to do things differently rather than staying stuck in the same loops
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm answering a listener's question on how do I know whether my relationship is worth fighting for or whether it's just too hard, whether we're just incompatible, whether we're just not meant to be? Now, this is obviously a really big question and it's one that I suspect many of you will relate to and will have pondered at some point whether it's in your current relationship or a previous one. It's certainly a question that I've asked myself before and it's a really hard one. It is a really challenging place to be because I think when we're asking this question, a part of us really wants to believe that there is a path forward and another part of us is really, really scared that there isn't. And so knowing what to do with that inner conflict can be really challenging.
[00:01:23]:
And I'm going to share some thoughts today on what to do if you find yourself in that position. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first is a personal announcement. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen me share late last week that I am pregnant. Joel and I are going to be welcoming a baby boy in early May next year, which is very exciting, and I share that here just in case anyone is at all interested in personal updates about my life. But it's obviously exciting news that I'm excited to be able to share with all of you who so kindly tune in and support my work each week. So that's just a quick little personal announcement. And the second announcement is just to say that Secure Together our new Relationships course is officially open for presale for early bird enrollment that opened yesterday.
[00:02:19]:
And at the time that this episode's release, you'll have about 48 hours to get in on the presale pricing, which is 40% off the regular pricing. So if you're at all interested in the programme, do just check it out. All of the details are now live on the website and it really is I think I said it in last week's episode, but I think it's my favourite programme that I've created so far. I really think it's going to be really powerful and really impactful for a lot of people's relationship. And I think the format of having Joel alongside me to share the avoidant perspective is really, really valuable. And as I said, I think it's going to help a lot of people to overcome those impasses and build those bridges. So if you are interested in checking that out, you have about 48 hours to get in on presale pricing and I will link all of that in the show notes. Okay? So let's dive into this question around how do I know if my relationship is worth fighting for? How do I know whether to stay or go? How do I know if it's salvageable, whether we're just fundamentally not a good fit, whether we're just incompatible.
[00:03:23]:
And I think the starting point is you don't know for sure, right? I mean, absent really awful situations of abuse or mistreatment, which as a side note, that's never what I'm referring to in my work. But absent any of those things, we don't really know, right? Because we don't get to live out different versions of our life. The version where we stay and the version where we go, the version where we keep trying and the version where we throw in the towel. We don't get to play out the different versions and then say, okay, this was the true one or this was the right one. So all we ever really have is the decision that we make and the path that we follow in the moment. And I think that that's really, really hard for people who struggle with self trust because the fear of regret is massive. And I think when you're in this situation of not knowing whether a relationship is salvageable worth fighting for, there's fear of regret on both sides. I'm scared I'm going to regret staying and I'm scared I'm going to regret leaving.
[00:04:22]:
And so I can just be kind of stuck in paralysis of I'm not sure, I don't know what to do. And that's not a nice place to be. As I said, I've been there and it is paralysing and it's overwhelming and it's isolating and it's lonely and it's certainly not empowering. So I think that if that's you and you're feeling aspects of that, my question for you is if you are not ready to leave. And I think that usually people who are asking this question are not ready to leave because there is at least a part of you that doesn't want to do that or isn't ready or feels like there is something worth fighting for, then I think that unless you're going to leave today, then the only thing that you can do that might help is something different. Right? So I've had episodes in the past around when you're feeling stuck in your relationship and what to do around that. And I think it's similar advice here is, okay, if I'm not going to leave today, if I'm not going to pack up my bags and leave today, I'm going to stay. Do I want to stay in the same way that I've been in this relationship for the last weeks, months, years, that hasn't been working, that's gotten me to this point, or if I'm going to stay, do I want to stay and try something different? I think it is that thing of the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
[00:05:51]:
And I think, of course, we're not consciously in our relationships just running into a brick wall. We would never do that intentionally. But when we zoom out and we look at it, it's like often we're actually just trying harder and harder at the same strategy rather than actually trying a different strategy. And so sometimes what we really need is a circuit break. We need to have the courage to do things differently rather than just staying entrenched in our patterns within the relationship and then lamenting the fact that there's no progress or that we're still in that same dynamic or we keep repeating the same conflicts or whatever. Of course we are, because we're not doing anything differently, right? Inputs to the system need to change in order for the output to be any different. Now, I think the hopeful message in amongst all of this is that you have the choice to do that. Of course you can't control how your partner shows up or what they do, or their willingness to meet you in change.
[00:06:47]:
But relationships are a system, relationships are a feedback loop, right? It's like a call and response, it's a dance. And so changing your inputs to the system, changing the way that you show up, changing your energy, how you spend your time, how you relate to your partner, your warmth towards them, all of that will have a ripple effect, I promise you. And I think that it's really important to recognise that you have more choice than you realise, you have more agency than it often feels like when you are in the depths of that paralysis, of not knowing whether to stay or go. So I think that postponing the decision and going, okay, clearly today's not the day that I'm leaving, so let me park that and put that on the shelf for six months or three months or whatever period of time makes sense. For this next period, I am going to change the way that I show up. And that might look like lots of different things. And it's not just trying to elicit change in a partner, because I think that when we try and change ourselves in order that our partner will change or try and change our behaviour to get something out of them, then often it's actually a covert repeat of the same pattern. Because often the person who does that is the person who is already trying to control the relationship, who's already trying to get their partner to change.
[00:08:03]:
And so that's actually an extension of the same pattern rather than a departure from it, but actually going, okay, what would me showing up differently look like? And it might be that I focus more on myself, maybe I focus more on my health and well being, maybe I commit to having some hobbies or really proactively nurturing friendships outside the relationship or maybe I don't nag my partner about the things that I usually nag my partner about or I just let things go more. Maybe I don't feel the need to turn everything into some sort of teachable moment where I punish my partner for getting it wrong or for disappointing me or whatever. There are lots of different ways that we can sort of turn left instead of turning right, if we always turn right. But it does take a level of awareness and intentionality because as you would know, and as I certainly know, it's like muscle memory, right? It's autopilot. We do the things that we do without even realising that we're doing them. So it will take some effort from you. But again, I come back to this question of would you rather that or would you rather to just keep doing the thing that you've been doing that's gotten you to this point? I don't think that what has gotten you here is going to get you to where you want to go. And I think sometimes we do need to just take a more logical, rational approach to things rather than being so attached to the story of well, I can't do anything because they won't change, or how am I meant to find fulfilment when they won't meet my needs? Look, all of that might have elements of truth to it, but for so long as you are attached to making them the problem and blaming them and inadvertently robbing yourself of agency and choice and power, you are contributing to the status quo that you are resisting, right? You are really, whether you like it or not, creating your reality by staying stuck in that story.
[00:10:02]:
So I think the very best thing that you can do if you're there and you don't want to be, is something different. And the great thing about this is going back to what I said at the start, that so often it's a fear of regret in either direction that it's keeping us stuck. And this is really advice that goes for, I think, all areas of life, all big decision points in our life when we can really hand on heart say I did my best, right? I did my best in the relationship, I really gave it my all, I really got vulnerable, I really did the courageous thing then there's not a lot of space for regret because you acted with integrity. Whereas I think that if you hide in victimhood or you hide in blame and self defence and all of those patterns that some of those what ifs or if onlys, or maybe if I'd done this differently or maybe if I'd tried harder, or maybe if I'd not been so insert whatever here, right? But you have those wonderings because of the way that you showed up or didn't show up. Whereas I think that it is really a buffer against regret when we are making a decision to be able to say, like, I gave it my all. I really did. I was courageous, I was vulnerable, I laid down my guard and I put myself out there, I let myself be seen. And if it doesn't work, if that doesn't lead to anything fruitful, then maybe you'll have more comfort in making the decision that the relationship is not going to work for you or isn't right for you and maybe you'll be much more at peace with that decision than you are currently.
[00:11:44]:
So I really do think it's kind of a win win. Of course you can't guarantee an outcome, but I think you can really increase the likelihood that you'll be at peace with whatever outcome follows. So reflect on that. Figure out what doing things differently might look like for you. And a precursor step to that is figuring out what your partner pattern is. How do I contribute to the norms in this relationship, to the culture of this relationship, to the status quo that we've found ourselves in here? Because, as I said, just blaming the other person and abrogating any responsibility is not honest. I know it's probably more comfortable, but it's usually missing the full picture and it's really hard to make change when we're not looking at things clearly. So get honest, get self responsible, figure out what doing things differently might look like from your side, and then maybe release the grip on needing that to yield a specific outcome.
[00:12:39]:
And just be curious and be open to the possibility of change surprising you, of your partner surprising you, of you surprising yourself. So much is possible beyond the really rigid binaries of stay or go, change or not change. But often we can't see them when we're really deep in our fear. So I hope that's given you something to think about. I hope that it's been helpful. And if you are in that place, I'm sending you lots of love. Because as I said, I know that it can feel really overwhelming and really lonely, but you'll be okay. Just come back to the fact that you have choice, you have agency, you have options and you'll be okay because you are much stronger than you realise.
[00:13:23]:
So do the courageous thing and see what happens. Thank you so much for joining me, guys. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you. And as I said, if you're interested in the new course, Secure Together, which goes into a lot of this stuff goes really deep into identifying the patterns and figuring out what your negative cycles are, where you go wrong, and how you can really start taking tangible steps towards building a more positive culture and really understanding each other better. All of that's covered in the course in a lot of detail in a way that's really unintimidating and really approachable. So definitely cheque it out if that appeals at all. But otherwise I really look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.