#122 Why You Should Prioritise Self-Care in a Relationship
The Overlooked Puzzle Piece in Relationships
When we talk about building healthy relationships, the focus is often on the dynamics between partners, communication, conflict resolution, and meeting each other’s needs. However, the importance of self-care in the context of a relationship is often overlooked. Especially for those of us with more anxious attachment patterns, the tendency to hyper-focus on the relationship and neglect self-care can lead to feelings of emptiness and neediness.
Neglecting Self-Care in Relationships
In times of stress or strain in a relationship, it's common for us to neglect our own well-being and put all our energy into the relationship. This can lead to a downward spiral, where our focus on unmet needs and relationship stress amplifies, inhibiting genuine connection and enjoyment in the relationship. This pattern of overwhelming attention to the relationship dynamics often leads to increased stress, preventing the attainment of genuine needs and inhibiting the natural flow of connection.
The Importance of Self-Care for Those with Anxious Attachment
For those of us with anxious attachment patterns, the relationship tends to serve as the primary source of self-worth and validation, often resulting in a lack of individual identity and self-trust. By prioritising self-care in the context of a relationship, we can develop an embodied sense of self, leading to increased self-confidence and the ability to navigate the world with a genuine sense of empowerment. It shifts the dynamic, allowing for an authentic connection in the relationship and reducing the pressure on the partner to fulfill all emotional needs.
Cultivating a Sense of Self-Trust
By investing in self-care, we can cultivate a deep sense of self-trust and empowerment. This internal strength enables us to face relationship challenges with ease and resilience, significantly altering the energy and dynamic within the partnership. Instead of relying solely on the relationship for validation and emotional stability, when we stand firmly in our self-trust, the relationship becomes an enhancement to our well-being rather than a lifeline.
The Impact of Self-Care on Relationships and Beyond
Prioritising self-care doesn't just benefit the relationship; it permeates into every aspect of life. Increased self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence lead to a transformative shift in worldview and capabilities. When we care for ourselves, we become more capable of navigating life's challenges, thus reducing the stakes on the relationship and external factors. This ripple effect extends to friendships and daily experiences, creating a sense of inner peace and rootedness.
Focusing on Practical Self-Care
Self-care isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about daily practices that keep us grounded and responsive to our needs. Whether it's maintaining a routine, engaging in activities that provide nourishment, or recognising and addressing stress and dysregulation, practical self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy sense of well-being. By actively investing in self-care, we create space for authentic connection, creativity, and confidence, in addition to reducing the pressure on our partners in the relationship.
Closing Thoughts
Prioritising self-care in a relationship is vital for building a healthy and thriving connection. It empowers us to develop a sense of self-trust, self-identity, and self-worth, thereby reducing the pressure on the relationship to fulfill all emotional needs. This, in turn, leads to increased authenticity, empowerment, and nourishment, not only in the relationship but in all aspects of life. By focusing on practical self-care and nurturing our individual well-being, we can enhance our relationships while also cultivating a greater sense of confidence and resilience in navigating life's challenges.
By embracing self-care, we can reframe our approach to relationships, creating a foundation grounded in self-trust, empowerment, and authentic connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How can prioritising self-care in a relationship help create a healthier and more thriving dynamic?
In what ways can anxious attachment patterns lead individuals to overly focus on the relationship to the exclusion of self-care?
What are some examples of self-care practices that individuals can adopt to nourish themselves and thrive as individuals within a relationship?
How can developing a strong sense of self-trust and self-worth positively impact relationships and one's overall well-being?
What are the potential negative consequences of neglecting self-care in the context of a relationship, especially during stressful times?
Why is it important to find a balance between focusing on the relationship and prioritising individual self-care in a partnership?
How does Stephanie’s perspective on self-care and attachment patterns align with your own experiences or challenges in relationships?
What role does self-care play in mitigating insecurities and fears within a relationship?
How can overly relying on a partner for validation and self-worth impact the dynamics of a relationship, and what strategies can be used to address this?
In what ways can practicing regular self-care influence not only relationship dynamics but also one's interactions with the broader world and sense of self?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I want to share some thoughts about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, I think that this is something that we maybe overlook a lot of the time when we're talking about what it takes to build a healthy relationship, usually we're focusing on the relationship. And that's understandable, that makes sense, that we'd be thinking about the dynamics as between us, our communication, our conflict, how to talk about needs and all of that stuff that is inherently and overtly relational. But I think a really important puzzle piece and particularly for those of us who struggle with more anxious attachment patterns and who very much have that tendency to focus on the relational piece all the time, sometimes to the exclusion of the self piece.
[00:01:22]:
It really can't be overstated how important it is to really focus on the way that you take care of yourself in the context of the relationship, both for your own sake, but also really for the sake of the relationship. So I'm going to share some thoughts on why this is important, what it might look like, what tends to happen when we neglect self care in the context of a relationship. So that you can maybe start to reflect on how you relate to all of that, whether you have those tendencies and those patterns, particularly maybe in times of stress in your relationship when things are feeling strained. We can. Get a little bit lazy or sloppy with our self care. And that can fall by the wayside in favour of putting all of our eggs in the basket of focusing on the relationship. And maybe if that's something that resonates with you throughout today's discussion, you can start to think about what it might be like to recalibrate, to find a bit more of a balance that allows you to stay connected to yourself and really thrive as an individual and in so doing come to your relationship from a place of fullness and vibrancy and vitality rather than one of lack and need and emptiness, which I think is what can happen a lot of the time. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:51]:
Before I do that, just a very quick reminder that you can still sign up for healing, anxious attachment. We've got around 300 people in the current cohort and it's a really, really great round to join. We have a live Q and A next week, which you will be invited to if you join. Between now and then. There's also an online community for this round of the programme, so you get to connect with other people. It's amazing. I've been scrolling through all of the posts people sharing insights and asking for advice, and I've gone to reply only to see that other brilliant people in the group have already said what I would say. So it is a really nice, supportive, really nuanced and intelligent space for discussion and connection with other like minded people.
[00:03:36]:
So I really do encourage you to cheque it out if you're interested. You can find all of that on my website pretty easily and it's also in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about the importance of self care in a relationship. Now, as I've talked about before, I had another episode a few months back around cultivating separateness in a relationship, which I think is a similar idea. But I think for those of us who have more anxiety, anxious attachment when it comes to our relationship patterns, the default mode is going to be to focus all of our attention or a huge percentage of our attention on the relationship. And oftentimes we don't even realise we're doing that because it comes so naturally to us. Of course, I'm in a default to thinking about my relationship and my partner and the things that maybe aren't working or the things that are working, or no matter what, we tend to put a lot of our energy there. And it's not that that's a problem, it's not that we need to not do that.
[00:04:37]:
But as with all things, it can be taken to extremes. And I think that for a lot of us, and particularly as I alluded to in the introduction, for a lot of us, when times feel strained, when our relationship is feeling a little stressful or a little wobbly, which I think for a lot of us with insecure, attachment might be more often than not, just because that's what we're trained to look for. We're trained to look for the things that are wrong, the things that aren't working, the potential warning signs, the unmet needs. That tends to be where our focus goes. We have this really strong negative bias and when that's the case, we tend to amplify our efforts, our investment, our attention on all of those things. And I think that can in turn amplify our stress because so much of our focus is on stressful inputs, right? Are we a good fit for each other? Does my partner love me? Do they care? All of these unmet needs, are they ever going to be met by this person? Am I going to be this stressed forever? All of that kind of stuff can get pretty heavy pretty quickly if that's the weight that you're carrying on your shoulders as you move through day to day life. And I think it really does become a downward spiral because when we're in that space, when we're carrying all of that, and when we're ruminating over it all the time and maybe we're bringing it up in conversation with our partner frequently enough that it feels very front and centre. It feels like it's taking up a lot of space in the relationship.
[00:06:10]:
Then I think that we stop enjoying each other so much, it really inhibits our connection and so it tends to really spiral from there. We're less likely to get our needs met when all we ever do is think about our unmet needs and talk about the things that are wrong. Right? It's not a very inspiring or motivating environment or culture for the relationship. And so I think we have to really look at that. And when you're in it, it can feel impossible to do anything else because to take your eye off the ball, to stop focusing on your relationship and focus on something else, focus on yourself, can feel really unsafe. It can feel like, well, if I don't keep policing all of this, if I'm not vigilant about all the things that are wrong, if I do turn my back on that or turn away from that, then it's all going to fall to pieces. Maybe there's a feeling that it's only being held together by a thread because of your obsessive focus on all of those things. But I think, ironically, I think the truth is, more often than not, it is in releasing the grip, in stepping back, in breathing some oxygen into that relational sphere that we can really freshen things up.
[00:07:27]:
We can change the whole atmosphere and vibe of the relationship into something that feels more spacious, that feels less stressful, that feels like more fertile ground for connection. And so this is where we come to the importance of self care because that dynamic and that pattern that I've just described is really easy to fall into. And when we're there, I think that it's safe to say most of us are probably not focusing on our own well being in that place. We're not focusing on, am I taking really good care of myself? Am I doing all of the things that I know help me to thrive as an individual? I can say from personal experience, when I've had periods like that in my relationships, a lot of that stuff kind of falls away. My own routines, my self care, the ways in which I nourish myself, feel like there's no space for that, there's no time for that. Or maybe I just feel really flat and unmotivated to do those things because the stress feels so overwhelming or feels so much more important than all of those other frivolous things. But I think we have to not take what our stress would have us believe. Sometimes we need to act from a more empowered and wise place that probably knows that that's not really the way.
[00:09:01]:
And so my invitation to you is, what would it be like if you're in that place in your relationship, or even if things aren't really dire at the moment and it's more of a general recalibration that might need to take place? Because your base case, your default mode, is to just be overly the scales are tipped in favour of thinking about your partner in the relationship in a way that leaves you a little bit undernourished. My invitation to you is what would it be like to rebalance that and to start to really actively, intentionally, consciously prioritise your own well being in the relationship? Now, there are a few reasons why I consider this to be a very very fruitful and rewarding thing for most everyone to prioritise in partnership and in your relationship to self. I think the first one is, and this is really important, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns who tend to really derive a lot of their sense of self worth, of identity, of validation, of just feeling okay in the world. If you tend to derive that from your relationship, from your partner, from being tethered to someone, and you tend to navigate the world via the relationship, then disentangling that just enough so that you can stand on your own. 2ft. It's not about becoming siloed from your partner. It's not about swinging to the other extreme of hyper independence and not needing anyone. But it's about cultivating this really embodied sense of actually, I have a separate sense of self and I know who I am and I enjoy my own company.
[00:10:49]:
And there are plenty of things that I can do that I can reach for that I know are really nourishing to me that allow me to move through my day with a sense of vitality and empowerment and general well being. And when you're coming to the relationship or just showing up to life from that place, everything feels not only more easeful and more joyful but I think the side effect is that you cultivate a really effortless self trust that no matter what happens you are resourced and capable to deal with it. So the more that we can build that sense of self up in our relationship, then, especially when times are tough in the relationship, we don't collapse into this really visceral fear of I've got nothing left. I'm a bit of a shell of myself. And so I desperately clutch and cling at this relationship or this person. Because without that, if I were to lose that, I would be losing everything. And that's a very, very vulnerable place to be. And I don't think it's a healthy place to come to relationship from because, of course, that feels terrifying.
[00:12:08]:
Of course if we've not got much else going on in our lives then our relationship does feel extremely all important to the point of I won't be okay if we're not together or if you don't love me or you don't want me or even if the relationship is just feeling bumpy that will cause extreme stress. If you don't have other things going on in your life, if you don't have a strong anchor within yourself that allows you to feel comfortable and confident. It's not about being immune to what's going on in your relationship. It's not about being indifferent to that or not being invested or committed to your relationship, but it's about having this deep sense of I can do this, I can handle what life throws at me. And I think that when we're kind of planted firm on the ground in our self trust in that way, it completely changes the dynamic in our relationship, the energy with which we show up to our relationship. And I think it has really positive ripple effects throughout not only our partnership, but our life, our friendships, everything else. It just lowers the stakes on needing to control all of those things that are outside of ourselves so that nothing bad happens, so that we don't have to face those uncomfortable feelings of emptiness or loneliness or fear. I think when we can shift into feeling really resourced, it sounds a little cliched, but like, filling our bucket really proactively, right? It's not about just having a self care day once a month and putting on a face mask and running a bubble bath.
[00:13:54]:
It might look like that for you, but it could also look like something totally different. I think for me, self care looks like just generally doing all of the things that I do on a day to day basis to keep my nervous system regulated. And to the extent that I feel myself in some Dysregulation or some stress or I feel a little out of kilter, then I'm attuned to that and I'm responsive to that. And I really take responsibility for offering to myself, to my body, whatever I might need in order to come back to centre or in order to feel better equipped to deal with whatever is going on in my life. And I think that the more we outsource that or ignore that, try and press the mute button on whatever our body is telling us, I think that's collectively, what we tend to do until we learn better is we treat all of that feedback from our body anxiety, stress, burnout, overwhelm. We treat those signals as inconvenient messengers to be muted, and we kind of just keep pushing through it. Whereas self care, as I'm referring to it here, is about turning towards those things and recognising that. That is our responsibility to take really good care of ourselves, to prioritise our well being really unashamedly.
[00:15:29]:
And I think that when we do that, ironically, our partner feels so much more willing and able to contribute to our well being to meet our needs, because they're not doing it from this place where there's a gun held to their head and we're bringing this energy of I need this from you or else. That's a lot of pressure. And particularly for someone with more avoidant patterns, that's likely to feel pretty overwhelming, pretty suffocating to have someone almost coercing you or pressuring you into filling them, making them okay, resolving all of their distress, that's a lot of pressure for anyone, but particularly someone with more avoidant patterns. So when we can get to this place where we're okay, we're pretty good on our own, and our relationship gets to be this beautiful thing that enhances our well being, rather than like the only leg propping up the table. It's the only thing giving us meaning, purpose, any sense of feeling okay in the world. That really does have an incredibly profound and positive ripple effect throughout, yes, the relationship. But I would say, more importantly, just the way that you move about the world, your sense of self esteem, self worth, self confidence, self trust, it really does totally revamp your worldview and what you feel capable of. And I think that's an incredibly powerful gift to give to yourself.
[00:17:05]:
So, long story short, if you notice these things within yourself, if you notice that you have that tendency to go all in on your relationship to self abandon, to focus obsessively on all of the little details and ruminating, on what your partner is thinking or feeling or are they meeting my needs or all of these things that we can just get a bit bogged down in, maybe see what it would be like to just put that to one side. Right. It's still going to be there. You don't have to worry that the whole world's going to come crashing down if you spend a week or two pivoting your focus to yourself and just see what it would be like to really go all in on you, on taking very good care of yourself, whatever that means to you. As I said, it doesn't have to be bubble baths and face masks, although it might be. I mean, I love a good bubble bath. It's really not about cliches. It's about tuning in and going, what do I need in this moment to feel more present, more grounded, more safe, more myself, more connected to who I am, where I am in a way that allows me to access all of those things joy, gratitude, and just see what happens from that place.
[00:18:31]:
Because, as I said, I think it's incredibly fertile ground for, yes, connection, but also creativity and self confidence and so many other good things that really pay dividends in so many aspects of life. So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that for a lot of people, this is hard stuff, but it is really powerful. So give it a go, let me know what you think, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, self-care, relationships, anxious attachment patterns, insecurity, thriving relationships, healthy relationship, communication, conflict, needs, stress, neglect, recalibrate, well-being, anxious attachment, self-nourishment, vitality, investment, self trust, self worth, identity, validation, empowerment, resourced, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, self trust, self-care routines, nervous system regulation, burnout, overwhelm