#118 Why Anxious & Avoidant People Are Drawn to Each Other
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on the common question of why those with anxious attachment patterns are typically attracted to those with avoidant attachment patterns (and vice versa). As we know, this is a very common relationship pairing - which can be confusing when you feel like the challenges of that dynamic are at odds with your preferences and desires.
As we'll cover, oftentimes this is driven by subconscious patterns that propel us to recreate the familiar in a way that reinforces our core beliefs about ourselves and others.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I'm going to be talking about why it is that anxious and avoidant folks tend to be drawn to one another in relationship. So this is a very well established, observable, and I'm sure, anecdotally relatable pattern that we see all the time. And yet for a lot of people, it can feel really confusing because it seems to be at ODs with maybe not only what you want, but also at ODs with your preferences, your underlying desires when it comes to relationship, how you would like your relationship to look and feel. It can feel really confusing when we find ourselves in partnership with people who have ostensibly conflicting preferences and ideals when it comes to what it means to be in a relationship.
[00:01:20]:
And yet, as I said, it is very common for anxious and avoidant folks to be drawn to one another, almost like a magnetic pull that we can't resist. And if you're familiar with my work, you'd know that my philosophy is not one that says just avoid each other or it's always doomed and you should just go and find a secure partner and save yourselves the trouble. I don't subscribe to that kind of mentality, but at the same time, I think that we can often find ourselves drawn to certain people and patterns and dynamics from a subconscious, often wounded place, a place that is being largely driven by insecurities or unhelpful belief patterns. And so while that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed or the other person is bad, it is helpful always, I think, to have more awareness around what does drive our patterns so that we can have greater capacity to choose right. Without awareness, there's no choice. And I think we're much more prone to projection and fear and blame and insecurity when we're operating from a subconscious place. And the more we can bring awareness, the more we can take responsibility. We can clean up our side of the street, and we're much more likely to have healthier relationships when we are operating from something that is more aware and more conscious.
[00:02:51]:
So I'm going to be talking about this today. What tends to drive that pattern on both sides? Because it is very much a two way street. It's not just anxious people being drawn to avoidant people. Avoidant people tend to be drawn to anxious people as well. And so I'm going to share some thoughts on what can drive that on both sides. And of course, there's no single explanation that will apply to every case. But there's certainly key themes that I see emerging from the many people that I've spoken to about this and worked with before I dive into that. I just wanted to share that in a couple of weeks time, I am going to be reopening healing anxious attachment.
[00:03:31]:
It will be the 6th round of the course, which is wild to say. We've had over 1250 people go through the programme, which is very, very wonderful. And this next round happens to line up with Black Friday, which means that for those who sign up in this next cohort, you are very lucky. The timing is such that you'll be getting very discounted pricing. I'll be offering the course at the lowest price that I've offered it since I very first launched it in March of 2022. So if you are interested, jump on the waitlist via my website or that's linked directly in the notes under this episode. Being on the waitlist will ensure that you get first dibs and that you're able to access the Black Friday sale pricing for the course. I also wanted to quickly mention I've had a couple of people message me or leave a review recently complaining about me sharing about my courses at the start of each episode, and I just wanted to give a little bit of context for that.
[00:04:32]:
This podcast is ad free. I don't have any sPonsors. I don't have any subscriber only content. It's completely free. I think there's almost 120 episodes of totally free content. And believe it or not, that takes a lot of energy and effort and time every single week for me to record and edit and produce and upload, all of which I do myself. So I just want to contextualise that for people and maybe a gentle reminder that all of this doesn't just happen magically. And the only way that this show is able to exist is by me sharing opportunities to work with me in a paid capacity.
[00:05:12]:
For those who are interested in it, whether you are someone who has bought everything that I've ever offered, or you've never paid me a penny and never planned to, I'm grateful for all of you, really, I am. And I'm so glad to be able to provide so much free content and free resources for so many people. It really is incredibly meaningful. To me, but it's only viable by virtue of this very small percentage of people who do then go on to purchase something from me. So just keep that in mind, not only with respect to me, but with respect to all the creators whose work you value and follow. That it does really take a lot of effort. For me, it's the thing that I spend the most time on in my business, by a long shot, is creating free content, whether that's here or my newsletter, blog posts, YouTube videos, Instagram content, all of that is free and it is very time consuming. Anyway, so I just wanted to share that.
[00:06:04]:
Of course, you're always most welcome to skip past the first few minutes of the podcast if you find it particularly irritating, but I think that sometimes people need a bit of a reality cheque on how things work, and maybe when they're being a little bit entitled about other people's time and energy. Okay, let's dive into this conversation around anxious avoidant dynamics. Why we're so drawn to each other so, as I said, there's no hard and fast rule or explanation as to why this happens, and yet we see it happen all the time. And I'm sure many of you listening can attest to the fact that it feels almost magnetic, the pull towards each other. Even if you set the conscious intention to steer clear of certain dynamics, you might find yourselves back in them. And as a starting point, I think it's important to recognise that we are incredibly drawn to familiarity. All of our subconscious drives will gravitate towards what is known, because that's what's comfortable to us, even if what is comfortable is also challenging, painful, dysfunctional. There's a certain safety in the known relative to the unknown.
[00:07:09]:
I think when we take it a layer deeper and we look at some of the core beliefs that anxious folks and avoidant folks have around what it means to be in relationship and what that experience generally entails. We can see that the anxious avoidant pairing can do a pretty good job at keeping those belief systems intact. So for someone with more anxious patterns, the core beliefs that they tend to have about themselves are I am unworthy, I am unlovable. No one will ever love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard to get someone's love, and to keep someone's love, I'm going to be abandoned. I'm always on the lookout for someone pulling away, someone being inconsistent, someone leaving me. Those sorts of belief systems are pretty deeply held and really etched in for someone with anxious patterns. And so when they are in relationship with someone who's more avoidant, who might not be overly expressive with their love and affection, who might be hot and cold at times, who might pull away, who might not be really consistent and available in the way they show up towards their anxious partner.
[00:08:27]:
As much as that triggers those same wounds, it also holds that belief system intact. Right? Because the anxious person believes no one's ever going to love me as much as I love them. I have to work really hard, all of these things. It's like, yeah, okay, my belief system, I've just gathered more evidence in support of that. And in a weird way, that's comforting to me because that is what I know. On the flip side of that, someone with more avoidant patterns is likely to have belief systems that sound like relationships are hard work. People are always disappointed in me. People want too much from me.
[00:09:00]:
What I do is never enough. I always feel like a failure. People are overly emotional and overbearing and controlling all of these sorts of things, which when they are partnered with someone who's anxious, those can be proven true, right. They can see someone who's very emotionally expressive, who might have high emotional needs. And as they get increasingly triggered or insecure, they tend to ramp up things like blame and criticism and raising the bar, and it's never enough. And constant requests for reassurance. And so there can be a lot of evidence gathered by the avoidant person in support of relationships are too hard, people are too much. I'm better off alone.
[00:09:41]:
And so even though that kind of very classic enactment of the anxious avoidant trap, the anxious avoidant dynamic is painful on both sides in that it's reinforcing pretty painful belief patterns. It's actually very much in accordance with each person's view of themselves, of others, and of the world. Right? So that's kind of explanation one for why we do that. There is a strange comfort in proving ourselves right, even if the things that we're proving ourselves right about are stories of pain and victimhood and unworthiness and failure. Related to that point around familiarity is you'll often see people recreating dynamics in their relationships that have some sort of echo of their family system. And when we look back at the origin patterns, the origin stories of most folks with anxious attachment style, the key factor that gives rise to anxious attachment patterns is inconsistency. So sometimes when I reach for you, you're there, and sometimes you aren't. You don't respond reliably enough to my attempts at connection that I trust in the stability of that connection that I trust in the reliability of you being there and that unreliability, that Unpredictability, that inconsistency, creates in me a lot of anxiety about whether I'm going to get my needs met creates a lot of anxiety of whether you're going to be there.
[00:11:09]:
And so when you are there, I want to keep you closed, and when you're not, I panic because I don't know whether or when you're going to come back. Right. Again, we can see a lot of the things that I'm describing which are really in the context of infant caregiver relationships playing out in a classic anxious avoidant dance with someone who might be less consistent, less available, less reliable to the anxious partner. So while that is, again, triggering and carries a lot of residue from that person's origin story, it's also very familiar because our origin stories are our blueprint for what it means to love and be loved. And so we go, oh, okay, this might hurt, but it's what I know. And more than that, it's not just a familiar pain, but all of the things that we've learned to do in response to that kind of pattern. So all of my tools, all of my strategies work really well in that environment because that's what they developed in response to. You could use the analogy of if I grew up in a particular climate and I developed a lot of savvy and know how about how to get by in a harsh environment, if you suddenly put me in a totally different environment, even if it were a less challenging environment, objectively speaking, I might not be very well adapted to that environment.
[00:12:23]:
I'm adapted to the one that I have spent most of my life in, and similarly in relationships, we can see, okay, if I have grown up in a system where I had to work really hard to get love, or I'm used to trying to perform, to get attention, or I'm used to trying to be low maintenance and having no needs. That's all in my toolkit, right? Those are all protective strategies that I've become very sharpened at. And so in a weird sort of way, I feel safer when I have those tools at my disposal and when those tools feel well suited to the dynamics that I then find myself in. So we can see that play out. And on the other side of the coin, it's the same story. So that is the core belief, family of origin explanation for why anxious and avoided people are drawn to each other on the other side. And these are not alternative explanations. I think they're more complementary.
[00:13:16]:
On the other side, I want to speak to how these dynamics tend to present in early dating, which is obviously the context in which we are initially attracted to, drawn to one another. So in early dating, what you'll often see is that someone who's more avoidant tends to be pursuing someone who's more anxious. I think this is a really common misconception that I've spoken to before on the podcast when people have asked that question of how can I spot someone who's avoidant in early dating. The thing is that most avoidant people are not going to be avoidant from day one. They're not going to be pulling away at the very start. That tends to be a stress response that happens later when there's stress, but at the beginning there tends not to be a lot of stress in the connection, because it's exciting, it's thrilling, it's new, it's fresh, and both people tend to come to that with really, really idealistic views of what it's going to be like, of how easy it's going to be, of like, oh, wow, this person's amazing. We all have that thing of seeing someone through rose coloured glasses at the very beginning, through this fog haze of infatuation and chemistry and all of that. And I don't think that's a problem we need to solve.
[00:14:28]:
I think it just is what it is, and it's something we need to be aware of and maybe not trust our own judgement so blindly in that phase when we know we're very much under the influence. So what you'll see in that early phase is an avoidant person tends to be an active pursuer of someone. And for someone who's more anxious, being pursued feels amazing, right? Particularly being pursued by someone who seems quite different to you, who might be quite seemingly confident and direct and sure of themselves and staBle, and very different to most anxious people who might feel a little bit more insecure, a little bit more shy or hesitant or less assertive. And so to have this person who has all of those traits and qualities that you really perceive a lack of in yourself and you admire in others, to have them pursue you quite enthusiastically, can feel amazing. Because, of course we're like, wow, someone like that wants someone like me, that makes me feel special and wanted, and that kind of lights you up. Particularly if you're someone who struggles with self worth, with feeling good enough, then having that level of attention is going to feel like, really, really good. Now, for the more avoidant person they are often attracted to in that early stage, the anxious person's emotionality, right? Even though that might be something that they later come to resist or resent or be frustrated by, that's something that they perceive a lack of in themselves, that they struggle to access within themselves that sense of expressiveness, of empathy, of emotionality. And so they might be really drawn to that in someone who's more anxious, having that depth, having that access to their inner world, is something that can feel really alluring to someone with more avoidant patterns, who is not accustomed to accessing that within themselves.
[00:16:20]:
And so that can be a real draw card for them, often subconsciously, of course. So that can pull you together at the start. The ways in which you are kind of opposites, so to speak, can be really, really attractive. But then what we often see is, and this is true whether you're in anxious avoidant dynamic or not, is that the very things that we were drawn to become, the very things that we criticise or find frustrating. So what the anxious person initially perceived as stability and directness and confidence, might then subsequently be perceived as coldness, aloofness, arrogance in their partner, and might be something that they start attacking or criticising. And likewise, the avoidant person might initially be drawn to that emotionality and then quickly recast that as neediness or being demanding or being unstable or too much. So we can see how those things that we are initially drawn to, that we lack within ourselves or that we have shut off within ourselves or kind of suppressed, that we can feel really a sense of admiration of or allure around in someone else. We then subsequently, when the sheen wears off, we are met with the rude awakening that this person is just different to us.
[00:17:45]:
And we can find ourselves being very critical of those same traits that we once were drawn to. So that's kind of the other key explanation, is that we are drawn to that which we have suppressed or which is underdeveloped within us, because we find that so alluring. And that makes sense as well, even from, like, an evolutionary point of view, that we would be drawn to someone with complementary traits or strengths or skills to us, rather than someone who's exactly the same as us. Because that sort of diversity of strengths is adaptive, of course. So what do we do with all of that? I think that it's really important, as I said at the start, to not freak out about this. What I often see is that people respond to insights like this by becoming overly vigilant and interrogating themselves and second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing their own judgement, going, oh, no, is this just my subconscious? Because I think this, but I'm not sure about this. And that self trust piece, that can be a challenge for a lot of people with insecure patterns can get in the way there and we can become almost suspicious of our own feelings. And that's really not what I'm trying to contribute to in any way with sharing this, but rather just giving you some awareness of what it is within you that is drawn to certain things and what need that might be trying to meet or what painful story might be kept intact by certain choices, decisions, patterns that you continue to engage in.
[00:19:21]:
And I think that the more we can shine a light on those parts of us, those shadowy parts or those wounded parts, then the more we can tend to those aspects of ourselves and ultimately work to heal them or care for them so that we can start to trust in our decision making. So that we can have greater consciousness around who we choose to be in relationship with and where that choice is coming from. Because I think ultimately that's what we want to be shooting for. So I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for all of you and all of your ongoing support. And as I said, if you're interested in joining healing anxious attachment when doors open in a couple of weeks time, just jump on the waitlist in the show notes and you will be notified via email when it's time. Thank you all so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:20:13]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.