#157 3 Things You'll Notice in Your First Healthy Relationship
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
We’ll discuss how they invite vulnerability, reveal where we may have been hiding behind dysfunction, and show us that even secure partners can be imperfect. Finally, we’ll talk about how conflict in a healthy relationship doesn’t disappear, but it feels safer and more productive.
Key Points Covered:
Vulnerability: When you're in a healthy dynamic, the absence of chaos can feel unfamiliar, and it may expose areas where you’ve avoided vulnerability by leaning on old, dysfunctional patterns.
Imperfection in Secure Partners: It’s easy to idealise secure partners as perfect, but it’s important to remember that they, too, are human. The difference is in how they respond to their imperfections and how you both handle those inevitable moments of frustration.
Safe Conflict: You’ll realise that disagreements can be handled with mutual respect and a sense of safety, where both partners feel heard and valued, even in moments of tension.
Entering Your First Healthy Relationship: What to Expect
Entering into a healthy relationship for the first time can feel like uncharted territory, especially if past experiences have been marred by dysfunction, high conflict, and insecurity. Yet, as you grow more secure within yourself and cultivate self-awareness, new patterns and challenges will inevitably arise.
Understanding what to expect can help you navigate this new landscape with grace and resilience. Here are three key things you might notice in your first healthy relationship or as you and your partner evolve together into a more secure, healthy dynamic.
Vulnerability: There's Nowhere to Hide
Healthy relationships bring a level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability that can be surprising, even confronting. In relationships marked by insecurity or dysfunction, there’s often a lot of blame and finger-pointing. It’s easy to attribute problems to your partner's behaviour, side-stepping your own areas where growth and honesty are needed.
When stepping into a healthy relationship, all those distractions melt away. You might find yourself feeling exposed in ways you weren't prepared for. This is particularly true if past relationships have seen you as the pursuer, always chasing after someone else's elusive commitment. Being with someone who is fully available and committed can mirror back your own fears or hesitations, illuminating the ways you may have been avoiding vulnerability.
The good news is that this level of openness can foster deeper, more authentic connections. But be prepared: it’s uncomfortable at first. Recognising that this discomfort is a natural part of building a genuine, intimate relationship can make this transition smoother.
Imperfections: Accepting the Whole Person
Even the most secure, wonderful partner is an imperfect human. In a healthy relationship, you might find that even the kindest and most empathetic partner can still disappoint you, have bad habits, or irritate you from time to time.
Many people hold onto an idealistic view that finding a secure partner will eliminate all relational challenges. While a healthy partner may offer kindness, reliability, and empathy, they are still human. They might forget things, act irritable, or have quirks that can be annoying. The idea of never settling might sound appealing, but real relationships require compromise.
Instead of designing a partner in your mind, focus on core values and traits that are non-negotiable, and prepare to be flexible about the smaller details. Embracing this messy, real-world version of love leads to a more grounded and resilient relationship.
Conflicts: Healthy Relationships Have Them Too
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including the healthiest ones. The key difference in a secure relationship lies in how conflicts are approached, managed, and ultimately repaired. Insecure relationships often make conflict feel existentially threatening, as every argument might seem like it could end the relationship. This high-stakes environment leads to conflict avoidance and unresolved tension.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts can be addressed safely and respectfully. Disagreements can be aired and frustrations expressed without fear of the relationship crumbling. Skillful conflict resolution and genuine attempts at repair can even strengthen connections. Being able to share concerns and have them validated and handled with care revolutionises our imprint of relational safety.
Healthy relationships allow for tension and anger to coexist with an underlying sense of security. The relationship's foundation remains firm, even during rough patches. Embracing this reality reduces the fear around conflict and fosters a more open, honest connection between partners.
Embracing the Journey
Embarking on your first healthy relationship journey can be both exciting and daunting. Remember these points: vulnerability is a sign of depth, imperfections are to be expected, and conflict is normal but can be managed constructively. These elements are not signs of failure but rather indicators of a living, evolving connection between two real people.
As you navigate this path, keep in mind that the strength of a relationship isn't measured by the absence of problems but by the commitment to face and resolve them together. This perspective shift can bring a sense of peace and confidence as you build and nurture a thriving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself hiding aspects of yourself in past relationships? What did that look like for you, and how did it affect the relationship?
Do you have any fears or anxieties around being vulnerable in a relationship? How do you think a healthy relationship might challenge those fears?
Reflect on your ideal partner. Are there any unrealistic standards that you might be holding onto? How can you embrace the imperfections in a real partner?
Think about a time when you experienced conflict in a relationship. How was it handled? How might conflict look different in a healthy, secure relationship?
Do you find yourself blaming past partners for issues in the relationship? How can you take responsibility for your own role in past conflicts?
What are some of the core traits and values you are looking for in a partner? Are you prepared to compromise on some of the less important aspects?
Do you have a history of pushing for commitment in relationships? How might being with someone who is equally committed bring up new challenges for you?
How do you usually handle disagreements or conflicts? In what ways can you approach conflict more constructively in a future healthy relationship?
Reflect on any previous experiences where conflict felt like a threat to the relationship. How can you build a sense of safety in future conflicts?
How do you think a truly supportive and validating partner might change the way you view yourself and your relationship patterns?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 3 things that you'll notice when you enter your first healthy relationship. So this is one for those of you who have maybe been in a string of not so healthy relationships, the way you've had a lot of dysfunctional patterns, maybe high conflict, a lot of insecurity. And as you do this work of becoming more secure within yourself and building self awareness around your own patterns, learning tools to build healthier relationships and more secure relationships, which is what we're hopefully all aiming for here. And then you enter a new relationship. You'll probably notice a new set of challenges or encounter things that you maybe didn't expect to. I think a lot of us have the misconception that we'll do this work and then we'll enter a healthy relationship with a secure partner and all of that stuff will be behind us.
[00:01:31]:
We'll never have to, you know, come up against those relational challenges again. When really the truth is that we are confronted with different challenges. And hopefully, we are meeting those challenges with the benefit of our enhanced capacity and new tools. And so we're able to alchemize whatever those challenges are with a greater level of maturity. But nevertheless, I think a lot of people are surprised and maybe caught off guard by the fact that secure relationships can bring up different things and can hold a mirror up to us in different ways. And so I'm gonna be sharing today 3 things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship. And even as I'm talking now, I suppose you might even notice this within the same relationship if you've done a lot of work together and you kind of enter a new era of the same relationship as can happen, I think we can have many different versions of a relationship over time with the same partner as we grow and evolve, whether that's joint work or individual work. So you may notice some of these things if you're already in a relationship, but you've been doing some of that work.
[00:02:40]:
So this will hopefully have a little bit of something for everyone. And if you're not in a relationship at the moment, maybe it'll put you on notice for things that you might come up against in the future after you've been doing this work and you enter a healthier relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a quick announcement. I am really excited to share that I am running another retreat. So for those of you who've been around a while, you might remember that I ran a retreat in Italy mid last year, which was really wonderful. And we have just booked in to do another one in Australia this time in Byron Bay, which is a beautiful coastal town. Some of you may have heard of it.
[00:03:22]:
Many of you may not have, but with a quick Google search, you'll see that it's absolutely idyllic and we booked an incredible property there. The retreat is going to be in May next year, 2025. And we've got a waitlist going for people who want to express interest in that. We're just finalizing all of the details, but it will be 3 nights in May 20, 25. And so if you want to be first to hear about that and we will have an early bird special for the initial period after we've announced it, the link is in the show notes to join that wait list where you can head to my website, and that should be relatively easy to find. So I would love to see people from this community at the retreat and, if that's something that you've maybe always wanted to do or that piques your interest, definitely, pop your name down on the wait list because obviously by virtue of the format of spaces will be very limited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship.
[00:04:20]:
Now the first one is that there's nowhere to hide. So healthy relationships can be really vulnerable. And I think that a lot of us might be surprised by this because we maybe idealize what it means to be vulnerable in relationships. And if you've been in relationships in the past or maybe you're in a relationship at the moment where there feels like there's a lack of emotional intimacy, you might say, and maybe you complain to your partner or to your friends or to yourself, that there's no depth and there's no emotional intimacy. And, and that's something that you really yearn for. But you might find that when you get it, it actually frightens you a bit. And I think this is something that I've seen time and time again, is clients and students of mine will get into a relationship with someone who is, for example, really committed and wants to move forward with the relationship. And if you've always been the person who, you know, pushes a relationship forward against someone else's resistance and you've got someone who's really, you know, maybe has a fear of commitment or doesn't want to talk about the future, and you spend so much time and energy trying to get that from them, you might really be confronted with your own fear of commitment.
[00:05:33]:
For example, if you're in relationship with someone who is totally available and wants to talk about the future and wants to move the relationship forward. So that's just one example. But what you might see is that the things that you've been blaming someone else about or complaining about those points of resistance or someone else's unavailability, you might suddenly be shown all of the ways in which you were invulnerable or unavailable. Because I think there's there's a lot of hiding that happens in dysfunctional insecure dynamics, and it's really, really easy to blame the other person for everything that's wrong with the relationship. And we often do that from a place that we really deeply believe it. That if they just changed x y zed thing, then our relationship would be fine. And as as true as that can feel, it's very rarely the truth. It's very rarely the whole picture.
[00:06:29]:
And it allows us to, I suppose, sidestep taking responsibility for the ways in which we are not being honest, not being vulnerable, maybe we're not in integrity. So it often blocks us from our own authenticity. And so when you're in a relationship where all of those things that you've been complaining about, all of those things you've been blaming someone else for suddenly aren't there, and there's nothing kind of distracting avoidance side coming up if you are someone who's typically being more anxious. And I think that can be a very interesting, very illuminating kind of role reversal to be all of a sudden afraid of vulnerability and find a lot of resistance to that within yourself. And so seeing those anxieties arise for you in a healthy relationship, I think can catch some people off guard and make you question whether it's the right relationship because you're so accustomed to being the pursuer, so accustomed to the chase, if that's historically been your role, that that that's a really comfortable place to to put all of your energy if that's what you've always done. Whereas receiving or even just something that's more balanced can feel a little bit disorienting if that's not been the role that you've historically occupied in your relationship. So prepare yourself for that. Prepare yourself for a level of vulnerability that you have probably never experienced when you get into your first healthy relationship.
[00:08:08]:
And, you you know, all of the things that come with that, there's a beautiful opportunity to deepen in genuine authentic connection with someone, but there is no way to hide there. And as I said, I think a lot of us maybe don't appreciate the extent to which we have been able to hide in dysfunction and blame in our relationships when we've largely been in insecure dynamics. Okay. The second thing that you might notice in your first healthy relationship is that even the most secure, wonderful partner will be an imperfect human. Okay? And so you might realize that you have certain idealistic conceptions of what it means to be in a secure relationship that maybe are not realistic. And a secure partner who is kind and reliable and trustworthy and empathetic and validating all of these things that you have yearned for for such a long time, that same person might disappoint you from time to time. They might be forgetful or they might have a temper or they might be irritable and, you know, they might annoy you. They might have habits that you find a little grating.
[00:09:19]:
And all of that is really normal. But it might again throw you a little if you've had this story that when I finally get into a secure relationship, then everything will be great. And I won't have to worry anymore. I won't have to have doubts. I won't have to have fears. I won't have to have insecurities. All of that stuff's not just going to fall away and evaporate, because you found the perfect person. So much of that is within us.
[00:09:45]:
And the reality is that even a great person will have downsides to them. There is no perfect partner who has every single trait we've ever wanted, but none of the ones that we don't. And so I think that we come to realize in a healthy relationship that there are compromises. I've said before, I think the advice to never settle, which floats around on social media a lot, I don't think that that really captures the reality of relationship and the messiness of it all. And I think the better advice is be very clear about what you're looking for in terms of kind of core traits and values, and then get ready to compromise around the edges. Because you're not designing some person from the ground up. You are entering relationship with a real person with all of their upsides and downsides and their history and their quirks and their annoying habits. And that's part of committed relationship is that you are signing up for all of that.
[00:10:46]:
And so it can be quite humbling, I think, to realize that you are going to be entering a relationship and potentially making a commitment to a whole person. And that that whole person will annoy you from time to time will frustrate you will upset. You will anger you. And that's all part of it. And so we might have our illusions shattered a little in a healthy relationship around the fact that it's still imperfect despite being, you know, healthy and secure. And that leads me nicely into the third point, which is healthy relationships can still involve conflict. And indeed, they generally will involve conflict. I have said before, I think it's more of a red flag if couples never have conflict than if they have a healthy amount of conflict.
[00:11:32]:
And obviously, there's caveats to that around the way that conflict is approached and managed and repaired. But you will still have disagreements. You'll still have bad days. You'll still have tension. You'll still have rupture. But the real shift that you'll see in your first healthy relationship is that conflict can be had safely and can be repaired skillfully in a way that actually enhances your connection and brings you closer rather than being this really scary thing that feels like a threat to the relationship. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, and that's been the general tone and experience of your relationships to date, you may never have experienced conflict in a way that doesn't feel like it existentially threatens the relationship. Right? A lot of us will have that imprint that every fight feels like it could be the last one, the one that tips us over the edge.
[00:12:27]:
And when that is the tone of your, you know, conflict patterns in your relationship, it's very, very hard for conflicts who ever feel safe because it feels so high stakes. Right? If every fight feels like it could be the end of the relationship, then you'll probably find yourself having a lot of stress around conflict and probably being quite conflict avoidant because everything is being weighed against the possibility of the relationship ending. And so we end up letting a lot of things go that probably do need to be talked about because it's just not worth that magnitude of rupture. So when you find yourself in a healthy relationship for the first time, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the fact that you can talk about things and it doesn't have to snowball into this really big, ugly, disconnected fight with attacking and blame and defensiveness and stonewalling and all of those things that a lot of us know really well. And I think that it's incredibly healing to be able to share something that's bothering you and have it received and handled with care and responded to in a validating way. Those sorts of experiences can really fundamentally shift our imprint around relationships and the emotional safety that comes from that is so conducive to greater intimacy and connection in the relationship more broadly. So that is something that you will learn when you enter your first healthy relationship. Yes, there will be conflict.
[00:13:59]:
Don't expect that you are going to be able to skip out on conflict altogether. But it can be done in a way that is safe and feels safe. Even in the moment you can be having conflict and tension or you can be angry, you can be frustrated, and still feel this really strong foundation of safety in the relationship, and that's a very powerful thing. Okay. So those were three things that you may experience in your first healthy relationship. Just to recap, that is that there's nowhere to hide and secure relationships are really vulnerable and actually show us all of the places that we've been avoiding or denying or maybe not taking responsibility for our stuff. The second one was that even secure, healthy, amazing partners are going to annoy us from time to time. They are imperfect, messy humans like the rest of us.
[00:14:52]:
And 3, that secure relationships will have conflicts just like any other. But the difference is your ability to have conflict in a safe way and repair skillfully. So I hope that that's been helpful, has given you something to think about, whether you're in that space at the moment, or it's something that you might encounter in the future. Hopefully that's put you on notice of what you might expect in your first healthy relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or rating. Also, if you're someone who watches YouTube, I confess I'm not someone who watches very much YouTube, but I know a lot of people do. I'm trying to grow my YouTube channel at the moment. So if you care to jump on over to YouTube and subscribe, share, if you feel so inclined to all of the podcast episodes are being uploaded in video there, so you can explore those as well as some other videos that are only on YouTube. That would be a huge help to me as a way to support my work in the show. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:15:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, secure relationships, healthy relationships, insecurity, relationship patterns, self-awareness, self-improvement, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear of commitment, relationship challenges, dysfunctional relationships, personal growth, relational dynamics, conflict resolution, emotional safety, mature relationships, secure partners, relationship advice, practical tools, relationship coach, relational challenges, retreat in Italy, Byron Bay retreat, authentic connection, relationship conflict, relationship repair, relationship maturity, relationship guide, building healthy relationships, secure attachment.
#156 Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
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And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
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And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
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And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
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Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
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They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
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Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
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Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
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So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
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So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
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Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
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So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.