#125 How to Live Courageously in 2024
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
Embracing Courage in 2024
Courage is a trait often associated with grand acts of heroism or bravery. However, the courage to live authentically, make significant life changes, and pursue personal growth in the face of fear is equally, if not more, profound. As we stand at the threshold of 2024, it’s an opportune moment to reflect on the role of courage in our lives and how it can shape our experiences, relationships, and overall well-being.
Courage thrives in the space of authenticity. It’s about daring to be true to oneself, even when the road ahead seems uncertain and daunting. For many, the journey towards courage begins with a deep introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s fears, insecurities, and limitations. It involves peeling back the layers of societal expectations and personal doubts to uncover the authentic desires and values that fuel our ambitions.
It’s often tempting to remain in our comfort zones, surrounded by the familiar and the safe. However, the truest expressions of courage arise when we confront the uncomfortable. Despite external appearances that may project success, an individual may still feel empty, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their true selves. The realisation that the pursuit of comfort can sometimes lead to feeling profoundly uncomfortable within can be a catalyst for transformative change.
Fear is a natural and universal response to the unknown. Yet, it is also a barrier that can hinder personal growth and obstruct the path to creating a life aligned with one's aspirations. Many have encountered the paralysing grip of fear, particularly when contemplating making significant life changes. However, it’s within these moments of uncertainty that courage emerges. In 2024, it's essential to foster the courage to face fears, acknowledge their existence, and take steps forward despite them.
Courage grants us the gift of navigating the unknown with resilience and determination. Choosing the path of uncertainty requires a leap of faith, a belief in one’s ability to overcome challenges, and an acceptance of the inevitable setbacks. Stephanie’s experience demonstrates that embracing courage often leads to unexpected opportunities, personal growth, and a profound sense of gratitude towards oneself. The act of seizing control and forging a path aligned with one’s values and aspirations is a testament to the transformative potential of courage.
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, the message of embracing courage and intentionality resonates deeply. It serves as an invitation for individuals to carve a path towards a life overflowing with purpose, growth, and gratification. Recognising the presence of fear and choosing to explore the discomfort amidst a backdrop of convention and expectations can mark 2024 as a year of significant personal evolution and resilience. In 2024, the call to embrace courage and intentionality stands as an opportunity for transformative changes, a chance to redefine one’s narrative, and an invitation to navigate the year with an unwavering spirit of resilience and authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does the concept of courage resonate with you in your own life and relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards the comfortable and familiar, or are you more inclined towards taking risks and embracing the unknown?
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt deeply dissatisfied or unfulfilled, despite outward appearances of success? How did this impact your sense of self-worth and purpose?
Reflect on a time when fear or insecurity held you back from making a change that you knew was necessary. What were the consequences of staying in the familiar, easy path versus embracing the courageous, but uncertain, option?
In what areas of your life do you feel a deep yearning for something more or different? What steps can you take to honour those yearnings and move towards a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires?
Think about a moment when you felt a sense of deep self-trust and inner alignment. What choices or actions led to this feeling, and how did it impact your overall well-being and satisfaction with life?
Consider the role of external validation and societal expectations in shaping your life choices. How have these influences guided your decisions, and what might it look like to break free from their hold to pursue a more authentic path?
Have you ever faced setbacks or challenges after choosing the courageous, less-travelled path? How did these obstacles impact your sense of self and your commitment to pursuing a life aligned with your values?
What changes or choices have you been contemplating that align with your deepest desires and values, but also feel scary and uncertain? How can you begin taking steps towards embracing the unknown and making these changes a reality?
Reflect on a time when you chose the easy or familiar path over the courageous and challenging one. What did you learn from that experience, and how has it shaped your approach to making difficult decisions since then?
How do you envision your life looking a year from now if you were to wholeheartedly embrace courage and step into the unknown? What fears or obstacles might you need to overcome, and what support or resources could help you along the way?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Our last episode for 2023. As at the time of recording, it is the 31 December here in Australia at least, and I am wanting to talk to you today about courage and give you a little bit of a pep talk for 2024. I always find this time of year to be fertile ground for self reflection, for taking stock, and for setting intentions for the year ahead. Not so much in a cheesy resolution way of telling yourself that you're going to go to the gym every day, even though you know you aren't, or anything in that vein, but for deeper reflection, for getting really honest with ourselves around what's working and what isn't, where we are still hiding or withholding or letting fear drive us in our lives. And for me at least, courage and learning to practise courage and to embrace challenge and the unknown, all of that has been hugely formative in my own life and in getting me to where I am today, which when I look at the life that I am living, that I have created, that I continue to create both personally and professionally, I am really overcome with profound gratitude, both for everything that I have, but also towards myself. Because I know that a lot of what I am surrounded by today is a direct result of hard things that I turned towards rather than away from in years gone by.
[00:02:14]:
And so I wanted to share a little bit more of my own personal experience with courage and with fear and with doing scary things as a way to maybe inspire you, maybe aspects of my story will resonate with you in different ways, but hopefully to dispel the myth to the extent that you have some impression of me, that it's all been smooth sailing and easygoing, it absolutely hasn't. And my life hasn't always looked like it does now. Not to say that my life now is always smooth sailing, it absolutely isn't. But I am really deeply appreciative and joyful at the moment with everything that is going on for me. And I want you to feel like all that you desire, not necessarily the specifics of a checklist of things that you would need in order for your life to feel perfect. But if you're someone who feels like joy and peace and gratitude and fulfilling relationships like that's out of reach for you for some reason. I really want you to believe that that's not true. But it might take some courage, some bravery, some unknowns for you to move in the direction of the life that you really want and the life that you would be proud of.
[00:03:35]:
So let's rewind, say, five years, five years ago for me, some of you will know this. Many of you won't, I suspect, if you are newer to me, to my podcast. Five years ago, I was working as a corporate lawyer doing m and a, mergers and acquisitions. I was working ridiculously long hours. Actually found a photo in my camera roll the other day of me leaving work at like 04:30 a.m. In the lift. So that was what my life looked like. A lot of work, a lot of partying.
[00:04:14]:
When I wasn't working, I was in a really unhealthy relationship that was fueled by a combination of ego and low self worth. And as much as outwardly, it might have looked like I was ticking a lot of boxes. I had done really well in my high school exams. I'd gotten a scholarship to go to university. I'd studied for five years. I had an honours degree in law and a degree in political economy. I had travelled extensively. When I finished university, I had job offers from all of the top law firms in Sydney.
[00:04:53]:
It was really like my life was all laid out before me. And I tell you what, my ego really liked it. It's such a funny two sides of the same coin, I think. Ego and low self worth. I think the lower our deep sense of security, the more prone we are to being seduced by things that our ego likes. Those external validations, those approval seeking things. And for me, being courted by law firms and being good at my job, and I was really good at my job. All of that felt great in a sort of superficial, temporary, fleeting way.
[00:05:35]:
But when you don't have much of an internal anchor or a core sense of who you are and what you value and who you want to be, all of that stuff kind of gives you what you need, in a funny sort of way. So that was my life. And it, as I said, outwardly probably looked like I was doing okay. I was living in an apartment in the city and in many ways it was kind of aspirational looking. But inwardly I felt very, very empty. And I didn't like myself very much. I wasn't proud of who I was. And I felt a lot of shame often about how I would act.
[00:06:19]:
And I felt no sense of purpose, no sense of integrity, really. I couldn't say that I was proud of who I was or what I was doing with my life. Fast forward a little bit. And I was still in the same relationship. And it became increasingly clear to me that the way I was living my life was not sustainable. And I'm really grateful to my then self for having at least the self awareness or the willingness to look honestly at the way I was living and to acknowledge that I couldn't go on that way and that it wasn't enough for me. When I looked at people who I worked with, who were senior to me, who were 15 years ahead of me in their career trajectory, the sense of dread that I felt at my life being that in 510 or 15 years was overwhelming. And I had this really deep knowing of, if I don't make a change, if I just continue to do this, the easy thing, then I'm going to be really, really regretful later in my life.
[00:07:39]:
I'm going to be really, really disappointed in myself for not going after more, for going after something that actually allowed me to feel integrated and whole and peaceful. And it might sound a little bit funny to you, hearing all of that and me describing that as the easy thing, but in many ways it was. Even though on a day to day basis it wasn't easy. I was working ridiculous hours, I wasn't very healthy, I wasn't sleeping very much, I wasn't in a good relationship. And so while all of that kind of sounds hard, and in some ways it was, it didn't take any courage. Right?
[00:08:14]:
It was easy in the sense that it was familiar, and I could just do all of that on autopilot without challenging myself, without looking at the things that needed to be looked at within my own being. And so it was easy. It was a cop out, to be honest. It was definitely not doing anything courageous or challenging or expansive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And so it kind of reached a breaking point where I started to think about all of that really seriously. And I decided that I had to make a change. And it was then that I decided if I were to do anything, what would it be? And I've always, always loved learning myself personally about relationships and understanding people. And I think I've always had a natural kind of gift or inclination towards that.
[00:09:11]:
When I was first finishing high school and choosing what to study, it was always a toss up between law and psychology. And I don't know if this will be relevant to anyone outside of Australia, but there's a weird sort of trope where if you get the grades in your end of high school exams, then there's this pressure to make the most of them. And law required a very, very high grade, and I got the score for it. And so it was almost this thing of not wanting to waste my academic results on something that had a lower entrance bar. And so I did law instead of psychology. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have gone straight into psychology, although I don't know that I'd be where I am today had I not walked the path that I walked. So I don't really have any regrets there.
[00:10:00]:
But anyway, I'd always had a really keen interest in that and I had studied it for a couple of years in high school as well. And so when I started to think about, okay, if it's not going to be what I'm doing, if I'm going to have some big career change, what's it going to be? And I decided that I wanted to teach people about relationships and help people with that. And I think, as is the case if you speak to coaches and therapists, so many people go into this work from some deeper yearning to understand themselves and to find some resolution of their own wounding, and there was definitely a layer of that for me. But I was so deeply fascinated by this work and ravenously consuming so much of it on a personal level, particularly owing to the relationship that I was in at the time, which was very challenging. And so even though it didn't really make much sense, and even though my ego was really scared and wanted me to stay on that very predictable, well worn path, that was a guarantee of success in a conventional sense, I made the decision to leave, to quit my job and to start from scratch. I enrolled in a coaching certification and I threw myself into learning everything that I could about relationships, about coaching as a methodology, about the nervous system, about sexuality and so many other things that kind of branch off all of that, and it was kind of terrifying, but it was also very thrilling. And I felt this deep sense of alignment and rightness for the first time in my life, well, certainly for the first time in many years at that point, and it didn't make sense to a lot of people. A lot of people thought that it was kind of rogue of me, and I suppose it maybe was that it was very unconventional, that it was very risky.
[00:12:04]:
I had a lot of people around me projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me of what if it doesn't work, and how will you know what to do? And how will you make money? How will you find clients? All of these things? And I didn't really have the answer to that, to be honest. I just had this sense of trust that I was going to figure it out and that it was going to be okay. And that wasn't a trust or an expectation that it was going to be easy, that it was going to be seamless or that it was going to be linear. But I did have this sense of rightness about it that allowed me to, I suppose, drown out a lot of that stuff that I was getting from people around me and just keep putting 1ft in front of the other. And so that's what I did. And it wasn't easy, but it was really thrilling. It was exhilarating. And even in those very early days, I felt this sense of total gratitude towards myself that I was taking steps in the direction of a life that I could be proud of.
[00:13:13]:
And not long after that, I also ended the relationship that I was in at the time. And I think a part of me knew that those things would probably go hand in hand, and that I kind of just needed maybe the confidence boost or needed to work on myself for a bit in order that I would be ready to leave that relationship, even though I knew deep down that I needed to and that that had to happen. And fast forward. I say fast forward as if that all happened very quickly and easily. But fast forward to now. And I've built this incredible business helping people all over the world by sharing my own story, my own insights, the things that I've learned, having taught and worked with thousands of people through coaching, through my online programmes. So many really beautiful things have happened since making that decision in the direction of the life that I wanted, through choosing courage rather than the comfortable or easy thing, and really deciding that I wanted to close the gap between my values and the way I was living. Because that gap was pretty big for a while there and it didn't feel good.
[00:14:41]:
It felt really, really deeply uncomfortable. And I felt so much shame and lack of self respect in a way that was very, very uninspiring and heavy and really dragged me down. And so I suppose I share all of that a to give you a bit more of a background to my story, in case you weren't familiar, but also maybe to inspire, because it's not about telling everyone that you need to go and quit your job, but I think for those of you, and you'll know if you're hearing this, I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. I think for those of us who feel that pull, feel that little nudge from within, that whisper saying, there's more, right? There has to be more. If life feels uninspiring or small, or like there's something big tugging at you and calling you forward, I think to ignore that voice and to keep ourselves cloistered or imprisoned by fear or convention or expectation, whether ours or someone else's, there is no grief greater than that. To silence that voice within that's telling us to be bold, to be creative, to take risks, to build a life that we're really proud of. And so if you're listening to this and that is you, and you know that there's something. You know that you're on the brink of change and you're standing at a fork in the road, and there's the easy, low risk, comfortable, familiar thing, and then there's the scary thing that excites you and that feels expansive and inspiring, and that your whole being lights up just to think about it, just know that you will very, very rarely, if ever, regret doing the courageous thing.
[00:16:42]:
And I deeply believe that to be true. Because even if it doesn't work out as you planned, even if there are bumps in the road and setbacks, and there will be. There will be setbacks, you will fall off the horse. But the sense of inner peace, alignment, unity, freedom that you get from backing yourself and from trusting yourself and from honouring what is true for you, your desires, your yearnings, that is something that is so precious. And so I really do think that it's very, very hard to regret making a choice that is based on that, based on your values, based on your deep yearnings and desires, based on what you feel is deeply true for you. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about as we close out 2023 and we turn over a new leaf, turn over a new page and enter 2024 with all of its possibilities and unknowns. Just know that it's what you make it and it is a blank page. And that's not to say that you need to overhaul your life in order to be good or doing the right thing, or valuable or worthy, or any of that.
[00:18:08]:
But as I said, for those of you who know that this message is for you, I really, really encourage you to go for it, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it's leaving a job, maybe it's taking a job, maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe it's starting a relationship, maybe it's starting therapy. Maybe it's joining a gym, maybe it's committing to getting strong, moving your body, or changing your habits. All of these things that you know are waiting for you. And you know that the life that you desire is on the other side of those commitments and those choices and those steps. Take the steps. Give that gift to yourself.
[00:18:45]:
When you know that your agency and your self discipline and your showing up is the only thing really standing in the way of you and the future self that you really want to become. Please do yourself the honour. Give yourself the gift of being brave and being courageous, of no longer hiding, no longer playing small, no longer saying that you can't, no longer having a lack of faith in yourself because it's in your hands. 2024 is just around the corner. So really think about that and get intentional about what you want to create this year and how very different your life could look a year from now. So I'm sending you so much love on this, the 31 December, and so much gratitude again for your support of the podcast and my work this past year and more broadly. It is in large part thanks to you that I feel so very overjoyed and grateful and proud of the life and the work that I find myself surrounded by. So thank you for your part in contributing to that sense of pride and satisfaction that I'm able to feel into as I look around and take stock.
[00:20:10]:
I'm wishing you the most beautiful, safe, peaceful, restorative new year, and I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Thanks guys.
[00:20:21]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.
#124 On Trust, Risk & Vulnerability
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts about trust, risk and vulnerability. Many of us would prefer to trust only when we've completely de-risked or have some semblance of certainty that we won't get hurt, but unfortunately this is entirely at odds with the inherent vulnerability of trust.
Trust and Vulnerability: Choosing to Embrace the Risk
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, trust is the golden thread that holds everything together. It's the foundation upon which we build connections that feel peaceful, secure, and authentic. However, the vulnerability of trust and the associated fear and uncertainty can often leave us in a state of hesitation. In this episode, we delve into the complex interplay between trust, risk, and vulnerability and explore the empowering act of choosing trust in our relationships, despite the absence of guarantees.
The Collision of Fear and Trust
At the heart of the matter lies the collision between fear and trust. Our innate fear seeks certainty - a safeguard against the unknown and the uncontrollable. It recoils from the murky grey areas of uncertainty, striving to derisk every aspect of our lives in pursuit of a guaranteed shield against potential harm. This desire to eliminate risk roots itself deeply in our behaviours, particularly for those who grapple with anxious attachment. The perpetual quest to preemptively avert any potential harm leads to hyper-vigilance, the need for constant reassurance, and a pervasive sense of mistrust.
The Illusion of Control
However, the irony lies in the ineffectiveness of these controlling behaviours. While they stem from a well-intentioned drive to protect oneself, they can inadvertently sabotage the very connections we seek to preserve. The relentless pursuit of certainty and the hyper-focus on potential problems obscure the true essence of our relationships, overshadowing the joy and positivity that exists within them. It's akin to grappling with a rope tied to an immovable brick wall – a futile exertion of energy that only serves to drain us further.
The Liberating Truth
Amidst the turmoil of uncertainty, a liberating truth emerges – there are no guarantees in love and relationships. Love, by its very nature, is inherently vulnerable and risky. No matter how much we delve into the realms of control, the unpredictability of life remains unscathed. Embracing this reality can be both terrifying and empowering. It entails acknowledging that while we cannot foresee the future or prevent hurt, we do have the agency to choose our approach to trust.
Choosing Trust as an Action
Rather than waiting for a sense of trust to manifest as a feeling, we can actively choose trust as an intentional action. This perspective reframes trust as a conscious decision we make, irrespective of the lingering uncertainties. It's a shift from the arduous pursuit of an elusive feeling to embracing trust as a deliberate and open-hearted choice. This shift in mindset allows us to release the need for absolute certainty, liberating ourselves from the exhausting burden of attempting to control the uncontrollable.
The Path to Embracing Vulnerability
By acknowledging that trust is not risk-free, we set ourselves on a path of embracing vulnerability. We accept that trust involves inherent risks and uncertainties, transcending the paralysing grip of suspicion and fear. This realisation empowers us to relinquish the need for constant vigilance and control. It enables us to tread towards open-hearted trust, creating an environment that fosters joy, peace, and gratitude within our relationships.
Conclusion
In the intricate dance of trust, risk, and vulnerability, the power to choose trust emerges as a transformative force. By shedding the weight of futile control, we liberate ourselves to embrace the vulnerability of trust. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, our agency to consciously choose trust becomes our compass, leading us towards authentic, thriving relationships. In this pursuit, we unearth the freedom to release the grip of fear, fostering an environment that nurtures connection, empathy, and genuine understanding – one intentional choice at a time.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when your fear of uncertainty and unpredictability influenced your behaviour in a relationship. How did this fear impact your ability to trust and be vulnerable?
Consider the concept of risk in relationships. Do you tend to view risk as inherently negative? How can embracing the vulnerability of trust lead to growth and connection in relationships, despite the inherent risks involved?
Have you experienced a situation where your efforts to control and avoid potential hurt in a relationship led to unintended negative consequences? What did you learn from this experience?
How does the pursuit of certainty and guarantees in relationships affect your ability to experience joy and peace? Can you recall times when letting go of the need for certainty brought unexpected positive outcomes?
Have you ever struggled with waiting to feel trust before extending trust in a relationship? How might the act of choosing trust as an action, rather than waiting for a feeling, shift your approach to building trust in your relationships?
Think about past experiences where fear and suspicion overshadowed the goodness in your relationships. How might adopting a more open-hearted approach to trust enhance your ability to appreciate and nurture the positive aspects of your relationships?
Consider the phrase "I have trust issues." How might reframing this as "I am choosing to trust" empower you to shift your relationship with trust? What challenges might arise in making this shift, and how do you think could overcome them?
Explore the idea of self-trust and its connection to trusting others. How does your level of self-trust impact your capacity to extend trust to others? In what ways could developing self-trust enhance your ability to choose trust in your relationships?
Reflect on the notion of relinquishing control in relationships. How might releasing the metaphorical "rope" of control and embracing vulnerability free up emotional energy and create space for deeper connection and personal growth?
Finally, consider the impact of fear and hyper-vigilance on your well-being and relationships. Can you pinpoint instances where suspicion and fear overshadowed your ability to experience peace? How might choosing trust over fear contribute to your overall sense of well-being in relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of on Attachment. In today's episode, we're going to be talking all about trust and the vulnerability of trust, and yet its absolute importance if we want to build secure relationships that feel peaceful and connected and not riddled with fear. So today's episode is going to be a short and sweet one, and I apologise that it's a couple of days later than it would usually be. I'd actually recorded a whole different episode on breakups and discovered that when I went to edit it, there had been a tech issue and half of it had been lost. So I was back to the drawing board and decided to pivot and talk about something different. So I wanted to share some thoughts on this topic today because it came up from a question from a client, and I think it's a question that really will resonate with so many people.
[00:01:20]:
People who struggle with anxious attachment, people who struggle with trusting that someone could really be interested in them, trusting in the reliability of a connection, that something bad isn't always lurking around the corner. And when we notice those fears coming up and all the behaviours, it can drive us to really being able to consciously reframe the way we think about trust and empowering ourselves to choose trust rather than to wait to feel it. That's what I really want to share about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to very quickly share and thank you all because we just crossed over 3 million downloads on the podcast at the start of this year, when I'd set some goals, I put down a goal of 2 million downloads for the podcast by the end of the year. And at the time of doing that, in the beginning of January, we had about 500,000. We just crossed over 500,000 downloads. So to be sitting here on the 22 December with 3 million downloads is pretty incredible. And I'm just so, so grateful for all of you, your ongoing support, whether this is the first episode you've ever listened to, or whether you've been here since the beginning.
[00:02:37]:
Thank you. Thank you for listening, for your beautiful reviews and shares and reflections, for the messages you send me. I feel really, really honoured and humbled that I get to do this and impact so many people all over the world with this work. So a big thank you from me. So let's talk about this. Let's talk about trust and vulnerability. Now, I think what's so important to understand is there's this tension between trust and vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, right? And our fear wants certainty always. Our fear doesn't like the murky grey space of I don't know what's going to happen and I'm not in control.
[00:03:25]:
And yet that is fundamental to the nature of trust and the vulnerability of trust. Right? Our fear wants us to derisk everything to the point where we have all but a guarantee that nothing bad is going to happen. Right?
[00:03:41]:
That's what so many of our behaviours in relationship. If you're someone who struggles with anxiety and struggles with trust, so many of our behaviours come down to that quest to eliminate risk and to make sure that we don't get hurt, when really we can never do that. And ironically, so many of those behaviours that we might engage in in furthering that end actually have the opposite effect, in that we might undermine a connection or we might drive someone away, when really there wasn't whatever problem existed in the first place. Maybe there wasn't one, maybe it was sort of a figment of our imagination, or maybe it wasn't as big as it felt to us, because our fear will always magnify these things and catastrophize and make us believe that something relatively minor or easy to work through is actually doomsday scenario. Everything's going to fall to a million pieces. So recognising that, oftentimes, while our fear has the best of intentions, and it absolutely does, right, this is not something to shame ourselves over and to say, oh, I just wish I wasn't like this, I wish I wasn't so afraid or untrusting or anxious, really, that part of you is working overtime to try and keep you safe, and that's a beautiful thing. But the problem is, it can often have the effect of almost becoming a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're constantly on the lookout for something bad that's going to happen and you're always testing someone or asking them for more and more and more reassurance, that behaviour can have the effect of driving people away because it can lead them to feel accused or like they're not being trusted, when they haven't done anything wrong, and all of those things.
[00:05:26]:
So recognising that, recognising this complex interplay between fear and trust and vulnerability and uncertainty and I suppose recognising the simple truth, which I find to be quite liberating, you might find it to be terrifying, but hopefully you find some liberation in it, is that there are no guarantees. And love is inherently risky and vulnerable. And no matter what you do, no matter how much information you gather, no matter how many questions you ask or how much snooping you engage in, no matter what someone says to you or doesn't say to you, there are still no guarantees that you won't get hurt, that they won't leave you, that you won't get rejected, that you'll live happily ever after. There are no guarantees. Anything could happen. It's outside of our control or our ability to predict. And so really all we can do is choose. How do I want to show up today? How do I want to be today, knowing that's what's within my control? Now, this doesn't mean being blind as to circumstances that are not working for us.
[00:06:44]:
If there are known breaches of trust and we know that's impacting our sense of safety in the relationship, if there are problematic behaviours that we're clearly not comfortable with, in no way am I suggesting that you just put your blinders on and keep choosing to trust and trust and trust. But in the absence of those things, and if it's just this lingering sense of worry or anxiety that something bad could happen, then I'd really encourage you to see that for what it is, to recognise that, yes, your fear is trying to keep you safe. But at the same time, safe probably means disconnected. And safe probably means living in this unrealistic, illusory world where you have certainty and it's just not attainable, it's not compatible with the vulnerability of being in relationship. Because relationships are vulnerable and they do involve risks and unknowns and uncertainty. But when we make our peace with that and we realise what is actually within our control, then it's a huge relief to our system because we're working overtime to try and control things that we can't. And that is really exhausting. And it really does block connection, it really does keep us so stuck in fear.
[00:08:04]:
And I think, most importantly, it stops us from seeing all the good in our relationship because we're so laser focused on magnifying the bad and on scrutinising every little thing that could become a problem in the future. We miss a lot of the goodness that's in front of us and that's a real shame because that's the stuff that we need to be, not only seeing and appreciating and soaking up and receiving, but actively nurturing. And there tends not to be a lot of space or capacity in our system to do that when we're so clouded by fear. So all of that to say, what I really want to emphasise for you, is that rather than waiting for trust to arrive as some sort of feeling, right, and I get so many questions like this, I'm not sure if I can trust them. How will I know if I trust them? I get the same questions about love. How do I know if I love someone? How do I know if I'm in love? I think we really rack our brains trying to decipher how will I know when I have a feeling or if I don't have a feeling? How do I make myself have a feeling, or I do have a feeling, and how do I make myself stop having a feeling? And I think that that's a pretty futile exercise most of the time, partly because it means something different to all of us. What you're saying when you ask me how do I know if I'm in love with someone, it might be completely different for you than it is for me. And it is so abstract and subjective.
[00:09:35]:
But more than that, even if we did have some sort of universal, clear definition of those things, which we don't, trying to force a feeling one way or the other, trying to force ourselves to feel something that we don't, or trying to force ourselves to not feel something that we do, usually doesn't work very well. And I'm sure if you've tried that, you would know that that tends not to be very effective. And if anything, just causes us more stress because we're kind of pushing against what is within ourselves. So rather than trying to force a feeling of trust, or wait for a feeling of trust before you extend an action of trust or create an environment of trust in your relationship, what would it be like to treat trust as an action that you can choose? Right. Trust is a choice that I make. This is something that has been really helpful for me in my current relationship and previous relationships. There was this sense of either I can be in hyper vigilance and I can be in this mode of waiting for something bad to happen and being on the lookout for that, and being in this sort of anticipatory, braced position, or I can just let go and I can choose to trust. And either way, I can't prevent something bad from happening. Right?
[00:10:54]:
But I know what it costs me to do the former thing rather than the latter thing on a day to day basis in my relationship. I know what it costs me to not trust, to not choose trust, because it is not a very nice internal experience for me and it doesn't create a very nice relational environment as between me and a partner, to be in that mode of anxiety and mistrust and seeking to control things that I can't so recognising either way. And again, I hope this is liberating, but it might be really terrifying. You can engage in all of the controlling behaviours that you want, all of the snooping and the detective playing and the seeking reassurance and the testing. And even still, it is not going to change whether or not you can trust your partner, right? It's not going to change whether something bad happens or not. You can't derisk with those sorts of controlling behaviours, but you can cause a lot of damage to yourself and to your relationship. So what would it be like if you just chose to trust and to let go? It's sort of like I heard a visual on another podcast and I can't remember exactly where it was, but it's sort of this image of imagining a brick wall with a rope attached to it. And you're just spending all day long pulling on this rope that's clearly not going anywhere, right? It's fixed to a brick wall.
[00:12:22]:
What would it be like to just let go? And how much energy would that free up? How much space would you create to do other things and to feel other things, to receive other things, if you weren't spending so much time pulling on that rope? So something to think about. Trust is not risk free. In fact, it always involves risk. So rather than waiting to feel trust in a way that feels completely safe and risk free because you probably will never get there, can you instead step towards the vulnerability of choosing trust, knowing that either way, you cannot control the outcome, you cannot predict the future? There are no guarantees, but you have a much greater chance of finding joy and peace and gratitude today and tomorrow and the next day if you are living from an open hearted place of trust, rather than a closed hearted place of suspicion and fear and hyper vigilance and aversion to any risk or vulnerability. So I hope that that has given you something to think about and has been a helpful reframe on something that a lot of us, I think, struggle with. And it is a struggle. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not saying that you just flip a switch and all of a sudden your quote, unquote trust issues are going to dissolve into a puddle but I think it's a much more empowering way to relate to trust than just telling ourselves, well, I have trust issues, or I'm not good at that, or how do I know if I can trust someone? Just choosing, right? Just choosing and seeing what happens, I think is a really beautiful, freeing way to approach it.
[00:14:11]:
So I hope that you all have a really beautiful holiday season spending time with whoever you're spending time with. Stay safe, take good care of yourselves, and I will see you again next week for our last episode of the year, which is very, very exciting. Thank you again for all of your support. I'm so grateful for you have a beautiful, festive season, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I.
[00:14:59]:
Hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, trust, vulnerability, secure relationships, fear, anxiety, insecure attachment, reliability, connection, breakups, fear in relationships, gratitude, trust issues, love, control, certainty, risk, uncertainty, choosing trust, suspicion, hyper vigilance, open hearted trust, joy in relationships, peace in relationships, holiday season, festive season, self care, Instagram, podcast, reviews