#113 How Stress Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're talking all about stress and the profound impact it can have on our relationships. We live in a world where stress is chronic and constant - and not only does that spell trouble for our health and wellbeing, but it can leave us feeling lonely, resentful and disconnected in our partnerships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about stress and the profound impact it can have on our relationships. We live in a world where stress is chronic and constant - and not only does that spell trouble for our health and wellbeing, but it can leave us feeling lonely, resentful and disconnected in our partnerships.
We'll cover:
How stress can exacerbate existing attachment dynamics
Why we aren't designed for chronic stress and what it does to us
How our nervous system's stress response affects our perception and our stories
Tips for managing stress more adaptively as an individual and within your relationship
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode we are talking all about the impact of stress on our relationships. I think this is an incredibly pervasive and very important issue and topic to address. Because as much as we can try and figure out what's going on in our relationships, what dynamics are there, oftentimes we neglect to look.
[00:00:54]:
At the role of environmental factors, other stuff that's going on in life, all of the real world stuff that oftentimes we can't control, but that has a very, very real and oftentimes negative impact on our relationships and our ability to feel safe and connected and really at peace and to access joy in our relationships, which for most of us, is what we're looking for. So in today's episode I'm going to talk a little bit about how stress might impact your relationship and some of the factors that are at play. There not only why stress might exacerbate existing dynamics around attachment and attachment styles, but also looking at the role of the nervous system and how that interfaces with all of this stuff that we're going to talk about. Because as we'll get to understanding your nervous system and how it plays such a huge role in managing stress and mobilising you in response to stress and influencing the way you perceive the world when you're under stress, I think it's really important that you have that knowledge and understanding as you try and not only manage your stress, but just cultivate greater awareness of just how powerful the impact and influence of stress is on not only your relationship, but how you view the world. Because it really is very, very powerful. So we're going to be talking about that today. And of course, I will be giving you some tips as well, so that if you are in that situation that you can not only be aware of it and maybe feel a little less hopeless, but equip you with some tools and some reframes and some steps that you can take to feel a little more in control when stress strikes. Because it will.
[00:02:42]:
That's part of life. So it's not so much about trying to eradicate stress from our lives, although I think a lot of us could benefit from lowering our stress levels. But really, how can I respond most adaptively to stress and hopefully how can I band together with my partner or others in my life to feel more supported and more resourced in times of stress rather than feeling really isolated and alone and seeing everyone around me as the enemy? Because I think that's the place a lot of us can go to. So that is what we're going to be covering today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to remind you, if you've listened to recent episodes, you will have heard me speak about my new course, Secure Together, which I am launching in a few weeks time. There's already about 150 of you on the waitlist, which is just wonderful. This new course is designed for people who are struggling with anxious avoidant dynamics in their relationship. You can either approach it as a couple, as in do the course together, or you would still get a lot out of it doing it as an individual grappling with those dynamics.
[00:03:47]:
But it's going to go into so much of this stuff. And if you are familiar with my work, you've been following along for a while. You know that I'm a big advocate of not just writing off anxious avoidant dynamics and relationships and saying, look, it's too hard, give up. Go find someone secure. I think that that's not very helpful advice because the reality is a lot of us are in relationships with people that we really love and care for, but we just feel a bit stuck. And we feel like these patterns and cycles that we get into are almost bigger than our ability to shift them. And having been through that and having experienced it, I absolutely can relate. But I can also attest to the fact that it's possible to change those things and to really build a solid and secure foundation of trust and respect and safety.
[00:04:38]:
That doesn't mean you won't experience tough times or conflict or differences, but those things don't feel so life threatening, they don't feel so viscerally frightening. And you actually trust in your ability to navigate those things from a loving place and from a place that trusts that we'll figure this out together. And I think that if you're listening to that and going, oh, wouldn't that be nice, I can assure you that is available to all of us. It's not to say that every single relationship will or should reach that place, but I do believe that that kind of relationship is available to all of us if we're willing to put in the work. And that's really going to be the focus of this course, Secure Together. So if that sounds interesting to you, definitely jump on the waitlist because that will allow you to get first access in a few weeks time when registration opens, and you'll also get discounted pricing that you won't be able to access otherwise. So definitely jump in there all of that's linked in the show notes or you can otherwise find it on my Instagram or on my website. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around how stress impacts our relationships.
[00:05:45]:
So I want to start by pointing out, and I think this is something that maybe a lot of people don't really appreciate about attachment. When we're talking about attachment styles and attachment behaviours is that what we're really talking about is how we respond to relational stress or how environmental stress impacts our relational behaviours towards our attachment figures. So for those who are more anxious in their patterns, we go okay. In times of stress, I have these proximity seeking behaviours. I try and close the gap between me and my partner. I try and derive my security from them almost exclusively. And that's what stress does to me. It tells me that I'm not okay on my own and that I need to seek safety in another.
[00:06:33]:
For someone who's more avoidant, stress tells them to isolate, right? It tells them it's all too overwhelming. I just need to kind of go into my shell, go into my cave and maybe numb out, maybe avoid or distract, do whatever I can to process the big feelings of stress that I don't know how to be with. So even though it might look very different to the way that you deal with those stresses, what we're really seeing is that stress will almost always exacerbate insecure attachment behaviours. So of course stress is hard just because it's stressful, right? We have less patience, we have maybe less ability to give someone the benefit of the doubt. We're more short tempered, we're more easily overwhelmed when we're under a lot of stress. All of those things are very normal. But I think a lot of people do miss that the attachment dynamics that are present in a relationship are going to be on a multiplier effect in times of stress. And I think that that's really important to understand because if you've noticed that and maybe you've gone, wow, why is this happening? Why particularly if you're more anxious, you might go, okay, I'm so stressed and I'm trying to reach out for my partner and they're responding to that by isolating that's the last thing I need, what I really need is their support and how could they do this to me? And your stress in response to that is only going to escalate your own internal dialogue around feeling abandoned and feeling alone and how hard that feels.
[00:08:04]:
And then someone else who's on the other side is going to be feeling incredibly overwhelmed and can't you see I'm stressed? Can you just leave me alone? So we can get into these dynamics that are ostensibly opposite, but have in common this thread of we're both under a lot of stress and we're doing our best to create safety for ourselves the only way we know how or the best way we know how. I think the other really important thing to acknowledge about stress is that to varying degrees, stress makes us selfish. And that's just biologically true. That's kind of the fitting your own oxygen mask. I think the vast majority of us by default become much more selfish, self absorbed, focused on our experience when we're stressed. And that's just because we're going, oh, okay, I feel like I'm in danger and my body is telling me to do something about that to create safety for myself. So it's not selfish in a judgmental way. We're not saying that it's bad.
[00:08:58]:
It's just factual that when we're stressed, we become very focused on our experience. And we're much more likely to see other people as doing things to us or against us. But we're much more likely to place ourselves at the centre of the narrative in times of stress because we are so focused on our own experience. We are so consumed by whatever it is that's going on, whether it's stuff that's going on at work or in family relationships or in your romantic relationship. There's this sense of victimhood and everything's working against me. And from that place we can be very self centred. And it's quite common that we have a shorter fuse from that state of feeling like we're in that victim seat and we're really wanting everyone to feel sorry for us and to empathise with the stress that we're under. But it can just mean that we're maybe impaired in our ability to empathise with someone else's experience or to recognise the stress that they might be under or how we're being towards them and how that might be impacting them.
[00:10:02]:
So I think recognising, okay, when I'm stressed, I'm likely to be quite selfish, I'm likely to be quite self absorbed, I'm likely to be quite self centred and that's okay. But it's just something to be aware of because I think that kind of behaviour, when we're not aware of it, we're just on a really fast track to projection and blame and self pity and all of these things that are likely to again exacerbate whatever cycles and patterns already exist in our relationship. So the other really important piece here that I think is absolutely essential to understand is the role of your nervous system in all of this. Now, this could easily be a whole episode in and of itself. It could probably be a whole course in and of itself how our nervous system deals with stress and mobilises us to deal with stress. But to give you a very high level overview, when we're in a state of stress, when we're perceiving stress in our environment and that's a process called neuroception that our nervous system is engaging in constantly in every microsecond of every moment we are scanning our environment. We're taking in huge amounts of sensory information and making a judgement of am I safe or am I in danger? Are there any present or imminent threats that I need to be aware of, prepared for, that I need to mobilise myself to deal with constantly doing that? All of us, all the time, we all have this in common and there's nothing wrong with that. That's what keeps us alive.
[00:11:24]:
But the thing is, when we're in that state and when we do perceive stress, and unfortunately for most of us, our modern lives and the way our society is set up, there's stress everywhere, right? So whereas evolutionarily, we might have perceived potential stress from, oh, there's a lion that might attack me, that's probably not going to be a chronic stressor. It's not going to be there every moment of every day. And our stress response is really designed to be something that happens in peaks and bursts and then returns to normal and we stabilise again. We find our equilibrium. But the way our society is now, you might wake up to an alarm that feels really jarring and read an email from your boss that you should have read before you went to bed. But you fell asleep. And then you're stressed and you're freaking out and you feel anxious and you've got a twisted stomach and running around trying to get ready for work and feeling stressed and you're running late and you walk out the door and then you realise you've forgotten something and that's more stressful. And all of these things, right, that for a lot of us, are chronic.
[00:12:28]:
And so we don't ever actually get to have this complete stress response where we go, oh, okay, I'm stressed, and then I'm going to do something to deal with it, our fight or flight response, and then I'm going to feel a sense of resolution and I'm going to come back down to base. When we're playing, like stress ping pong, we're just bouncing from one thing to another or like pinball, and there's never any resolution. It's just this running on adrenaline of this constant of stress. It's not healthy, it's not adaptive, it's not what we're designed to do. And yet it is, unfortunately the norm for so many of us. All of that to say that when we are stressed and our body starts to perceive stress and we mobilise into this stress response, which all of the hallmarks of anxiety are just part of that stress response, right? Oh, I've got a racing heart, I've got tingling fingers, I've got heat in my face, I feel that knot in my stomach or a lump in my throat, I feel sick, I have butterflies, all of that. I feel jittery. That's just a stress response, right, that's your body mobilising, you giving you more energy to deal with the threat.
[00:13:34]:
And when we're like that, it's really important to be attuned to what's going on in our body because we can go, okay, all of these symptoms, that tells me that I'm anxious, that tells me that I'm stressed. And the reason why it's important to notice that is because when you are in that state, your story so your perception of everything else, everything subsequent to that response until you've come back into regulation, is going to be tainted by the stress or the threat perception. And where this gets difficult is then if we say, going back to that scenario, you wake up, you get the email from your boss. You go oh shit, like I was meant to do that. And you're stressed and they're going to be angry at you and you're running around and the shirt that you thought you had has actually got a stain on it and you've got a meeting and whatever other you can imagine the scenario your partner in all of that. If they're just in the background of that scenario it's really easy for you to look at them like they are a lion attacking you, right? For everything that they could be doing or not doing to be threatening or wrong in some way because you've essentially got the threat goggles on. You are viewing everything through this lens of I am in danger and I've got to protect myself. And obviously that kind of perception is not going to be conducive to giving someone the benefit of the doubt, to communicating calmly and respectfully to someone, to being connected, to empathy, to having awareness of someone else's experience, right? Again, stress makes us selfish and we get so worked up in our staff that we project and we snap at people and we are rude and impatient and impolite.
[00:15:17]:
We blame them, we judge them, all of these things because we're really deep in this nervous system stress response where we're perceiving everything as being part of our internal experience of stress and our external perception of threat. So being aware of that and going okay and it's something that we really need to be self responsible for and go okay, if I'm really stressed like that I need to name it and own it and communicate it. Sorry, I'm really stressed. I don't mean to take this out on you, I'm really overwhelmed. Even naming it can do a lot to give us some momentary relief. If you do lash out or you do project, really taking responsibility for that and going, that was not appropriate. I'm really sorry that I did that. I was very stressed.
[00:16:05]:
And here's what I'm going to do next time to make sure that I don't take that out on you, because I know that's not fair and you are just trying to help or whatever is appropriate for the circumstances. Right? So unfortunately I think that the vast majority of couples run out these patterns on default mode and lack the skills, the tools, the awareness to do anything about it. Because as I said, stress is really powerful. It's designed that way. Our bodies are designed to respond quickly and dramatically to threats, right? But when we do live in a world that feels like everything's stressful and everything's threatening then that big dramatic spiky stress response that we have can all of a sudden become very disproportionate and misplaced. And in a relationship when you've got two people who are stressed and projecting onto each other it can very quickly erode trust and safety and an environment of care and mutuality and feeling like you're on the same team. And so I think, unfortunately, most couples do just find themselves in these cycles where stress gets the better of them and they become really disconnected. They feel really isolated and alone, particularly in times of stress.
[00:17:22]:
And that can do a lot of damage and it can cause a lot of hurt and pain. And to that end, I want to offer you a few tips that I hope will allow you to at least start on this journey of seeing the role that stress plays and coming up with a plan to really tackle stress as a team. Because I think that what sets apart couples who really have got it figured out. They're really solid, secure couples whose lives and relationships are far from perfect, but they really do the relating part well is that they know how to band together as a team. Because as much as by default we might become selfish and self centred and solo in times of stress. I think that we are so much better equipped to deal with stress adaptively. If we band together and we play to our strengths and one person can pick up the slack and we can go, okay, I can see you're stressed. How can I support you? And the person who's stressed can really receive that rather than just firing off snarky comments or being passive aggressive or whatever might be our flavour of choice when it comes to dealing with our stress.
[00:18:29]:
So the tips that I want to offer you, and these are obviously just a starting point, and I should say we'll be going into all of this in a lot of detail in the new course, Secure together. So if this is a place where you feel stuck, again, I definitely recommend that you cheque out that new course. But I think start by acknowledging the role of stress in your relationship and specifically to your relationship going, okay, when we are stressed, when you are stressed at work. I've noticed that this happens when I am stressed by whatever kids, when I'm stressed by my relationship with my brother. But naming really specifically, like, here's how this thing impacts me and us, and here's how I know I get when I'm under this type of stress, when I haven't slept properly or when work is crazy or I've got a deadline or whatever it might be. But reflecting and acknowledging really specifically and taking ownership and going, okay, here's what happens. And when that happens, the next thing happens. So I lash out at you and then I notice that you get really withdrawn and defensive and you don't want to talk to me.
[00:19:38]:
And that just enrages me because even though I'm being passive aggressive towards you, I actually desperately want your support. But I know I'm not making that very easy for you because I'm hurling all of these snippy remarks at you and that just makes you want to hide from me. Because I'm being so unpleasant, right? Whatever it is. But name the cycle and name both of your parts in it and try and open up a conversation where you can, even with a bit of humour, acknowledge how you get stuck and acknowledge how unpleasant it is for both of you and how contrary to what you would both really want for your relationship it is. Because I think that's really at the heart of it as well, right, is if we were to be honest and lay down our ego a bit, we could both say, I don't want this. I don't want to feel like I'm at war with you, I love you and I care about you and I really want us to find a way to do this better and do this differently. So how can we approach that together and really try and come up with a plan? That's my next tip, is try and come up with a plan. So knowing that stress is inevitable, knowing that it's going to come for you and there's going to be many days, weeks, months, seasons of life that will be varying degrees of stressful.
[00:20:53]:
In light of that inevitability, how can we best prepare ourselves for it so that we don't hurt each other when we're stressed, so that we actually do find ways to band together for one of us to support the other and vice versa? When we're feeling really overwhelmed and like our bucket is empty? How can we fill those gaps and play to our strengths and really find our way back to a loving, caring place when we're stressed, rather than doing that solo act of going inwards and then getting really resentful and angry at each other? Which, again, is what I think most people do. And if you know that in advance, certain periods are going to be stressful. If you've got a busy period at work coming up, come up with a plan and really find ways to deal with it so that it doesn't catch you off guard. Because everything that I was explaining earlier around the nervous system, when you're in that, it can be really hard to see through the fog, it can be really hard to get out of there. So knowing in advance, like, AHA, that's how stress affects me and this is how I get when I'm stressed. And I know that when I'm in that, it's really hard to see my partner as anything other than the enemy. So know that and just having the awareness and having said it out loud and acknowledged it as between you will make it much easier to spot it in real time and go, I'm doing the thing. And that might make it a little easier to get down that escape slide back into a more regulated place where you can actually see things clearly and you can see your partner as the loving, supportive person that you have decided to be in relationship with and really act from that place and hopefully find your way back to more love and connection.
[00:22:40]:
But having a plan is really helpful for your nervous system, having tools that you can reach for, what allows me to feel more regulated, what allows me to let the pressure out rather than just waiting until I get into peak stress again? I think a lot of us do that. We only really realise how stressed we are when the volcano erupts, rather than proactively managing our stress and proactively taking care of ourselves so that we don't reach those really acute heightened states of stress that are just the product of cumulative little things piling up on a day to day basis. So we're not really having that kind of emotional or nervous system hygiene to really prune back the stress and process it and deal with it on a day to day basis so that we're in maintenance mode rather than the emergency response. And the last tip that I want to give you and I've alluded to this throughout the episode, but don't hesitate to ask for support when you're stressed. I think that, as I've said, we can get really insular and isolated when we're stressed. We might tell ourselves a story of either no one cares or no one understands or it's just easier if I do it all myself. Those are all such stress state stories and notice how they keep you there longer. That all of those things that just heighten your stress and heighten your perception of everyone's against me and I'm the victim.
[00:24:06]:
None of those things are really going to help you to get what you need, which is to deal with the stress and to feel connected and supported. So just consider what it might be like to ask for support, whether from your partner or from other people in your life, and really allow yourself to receive that support. And just notice, okay, I don't have to suffer in silence. I don't have to do all of this alone. And then be resentful that I'm doing all of it alone. When you're stressed, when you're overwhelmed, when you're at capacity, resist the urge to just hunker down and isolate and then resent everyone for not helping you ask for help. I know that can be hugely uncomfortable for those of us who are used to either doing everything ourselves or not wanting to be a burden, not wanting to bother anyone. But there's huge growth in actually just asking and receiving, so don't hesitate to recognise your own stress when it arises and ask for help when you need it.
[00:25:06]:
Okay. I hope that this has been helpful as a little introduction on how stress can impact our relationships and all of the different parts and pieces that can be at play there, and giving you a little bit of a roadmap on where to start, on shifting some of those patterns to, as I said, not eradicate stress from your life. Although letting out some of that steam more regularly can help to mitigate some of those volcanic eruptions, but really to become more resilient in times of stress so that it doesn't feel like everything crumbles and we really feel alone, and we turn against our partner, and they turn against us. And how can I actually grow stronger through stress? By using it as an opportunity to connect with my partner and to lean on them and to really reinforce the security of our bond. Because that is what can happen and what is available to you once you develop some more safety and security in your relationship and trust in your ability to band together as a team and everything that flows from that. I hope that this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews. I read every single one of them, and I'm always so touched by your words.
[00:26:24]:
And again, if you are interested in the new course Secure Together, you can join the Waitlist in the Show Notes or by heading to my website or my Instagram. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
#112 When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Do The Work
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship. This is an incredibly common dynamic, to have one partner who wants to actively work on things and another partner who is more resistant (which can often overlap with anxious-avoidant dynamics).
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on the relationship. This is an incredibly common dynamic, to have one partner who wants to actively work on things and another partner who is more resistant (which can often overlap with anxious-avoidant dynamics).
We’ll cover:
Why your partner might be feeling resistant to doing "the work"
How different people make meaning out of needing to work on a relationship
Ways to dismantle fear stories your partner might have
Why it's entirely valid to value growth in a partnership
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for my new couples course, Secure Together
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Youtube
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode we are going to be talking all about what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So when one of you is really wanting to grow and wanting to actively work on the relationship, whether that's from a place of need, as in the relationships in dire straits and you know that that kind of work is required in order for the relationship to survive, or maybe you're wanting the relationship to go from okay to great. But in either scenario or any combination of those or anywhere in between, it's a really common dynamic that one person is more invested or more proactive about wanting to work on the relationship and they are met with resistance from the other person who is maybe not as interested in personal development kind of work.
[00:01:23]:
Maybe doesn't want to look at the dynamics in the relationship with a critical lens and see where things could be better. So it's really very normal and as I said, very common for couples to find themselves in this kind of situation. And I'm going to share some thoughts on how you can tackle that, how you can think about it and some paths forward for you if that's the situation that you find yourself in and you're really wanting to be. Able to connect with your partner and get to be on the same page or at least have some common goals around what you desire for the relationship and how you can work together to head in the right direction. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. You might have heard me recently sharing that I have a new course for couples in the works which is really exciting. We've now landed on a name. So the course is going to be called Secure together and it will be all about navigating anxious avoidant dynamics in a way that allows you to really meet in the middle and not only both be compromising in a way that feels suboptimal, but where you can really find joy and peace and love and connection in a way that just doesn't feel so stressful and threatening and oppositional all the time.
[00:02:41]:
Because as I know all too wells and I'm sure many of you know, that can certainly be where it goes without the tools and the skills and the awareness to shift out of our default pattern. So Secure Together will be launching in a few weeks time and I have a waitlist up and running for those who are interested to learn more. If you're on the waitlist, you will receive first access and also very discounted pricing, so it's definitely worth jumping on that. Waitlist, all of that is linked in the show. Note for anyone who is interested, the second quick announcement is just to share. I've been reflecting on the podcast and the future of the podcast. This sounds like an ominous announcement, but it isn't, I promise, and wanting the podcast to feel sustainable and viable, hopefully for a long time to come. And for that reason, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week from the current two episodes per week.
[00:03:37]:
As you can imagine, it takes a lot of time and energy and resources to be putting out two episodes a week, every week. And in the interest of making sure that, as I said, the podcast can continue to be around and putting out new content for you all every week for a long time to come, in order for that to feel sustainable on my side, I've decided to shift back to one episode per week. So that'll be happening shortly. And in case anyone notices, maybe no one would have noticed anyway, but in case you are an avid listener who tunes in twice a week, I just want to say I'm so grateful for you and there will be still podcasts every week, but we'll be shifting back to one. So thank you in advance for your understanding and for your ongoing support. I'm very appreciative of you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to do the work. So I really do just want to emphasise, and I know I said this in the introduction, I really want to emphasise how common and normal this is.
[00:04:34]:
So to the extent that you're in that kind of dynamic and you're feeling really frustrated and really isolated and maybe feeling powerless or hopeless, maybe you're wondering if this means you shouldn't be with this person and it shouldn't be so hard and why don't they care? All of those stories are really understandable and I've certainly been there, but I do just want to emphasise that it's very, very common. I think in most cases you will have one partner who's more keen and one partner who's more resistant. That doesn't have to mean anything in and of itself, it's just that we often find ourselves in those sorts of dynamics. Obviously, with the attachment overlay, we can see that someone who leans more anxious is likely to be very invested in wanting to do the work. Oftentimes, I would argue from a place of almost of fear and seeking to feel in control, because if we're constantly talking about the relationship and improving it and all of that, we're plugging all the holes in the ship all the time and then nothing can ever happen. We're like proactively problem solving and protecting the relationship at all costs. And it's not to say that's a bad trait, but I think it's really important no matter where you sit on the spectrum of willingness to do work in your relationship. It's good to be self aware and it's good to reflect on what's this really about.
[00:05:53]:
For me, is this a values thing? And I think that's a completely valid values thing or is this an insecurity and a fear thing? Or maybe it's some combination of those and just sifting through that so that we can come to these conversations in our relationships with a lot of self awareness and a lot of self responsibility that allows us to meet. Our partner in kind of honesty and vulnerability rather than attack and blame and projection, which I think is what can happen when we feel frustrated and exasperated and we make the other person the problem. We say you're the reason that we're like this because I want to do the work and you're the roadblock, you're the impasse, so you just have to change and then everything will be fine. I think we can really easily fall into that kind of story and project that in a way that spoiler alert, tends not to work very well and tends to lead to more resistance in the other person. Quite understandably. So what do we do with this with a partner who's really resistant? I think that as with all things, I know how frustrating it is, but it really can be very helpful to get curious about the source of their resistance, right? So rather than just making them wrong for their resistance and their reluctance to do the work. Go okay, what might this signify to you? What is it about working on our relationship that feels threatening to you in some way or that feels unsafe or that scares you or stresses you out? And for a lot of people with more avoidant patterns, the idea of needing to work on a relationship is maybe quite foreign or at the very least, quite intensely vulnerable. Because particularly if you've been in a relationship dynamic where the status quo is having these big, long, heavy emotional conversations for 3 hours, where you spin around in circles, and for someone who leans more towards avoidant patterns, that is likely to be a very emotionally exhausting experience that they're going to have a lot of resistance to.
[00:07:53]:
Again, quite understandably. And so they might think of doing more work on your relationship as being tantamount to signing up for more of that. So getting curious, what is working on the relationship? What does that mean to you? What does that look like to you and what does it signify or symbolise? What does it mean about our relationship to you if we are doing work on it? For some people and I think this is hopefully becoming less true now, I think there's cultural shifts taking place, but certainly a more old fashioned view would be that you shouldn't have to talk about it or work on it. And I think that some more avoidant folks can have the perspective of if it's that much work, it's not worth it. And that just means that something's broken, it's not a good fit, so I'll just go find someone else where that work isn't required and that is my solution. And there are people who are more than happy to be in a relationship for years, decades, a lifetime, and not do this kind of work. So it's not wrong, but it's just finding compatibility in that respect. And I think for a lot of people nowadays, and certainly I know for probably the majority of people listening to this podcast, there is a desire to grow in relationship and there is a desire to deepen emotionally and to not just get by, but to really thrive in love together.
[00:09:19]:
And I think that's a beautiful thing to value and to fight for. So I think that all of that to say, it can be really helpful to get clear for each of you on what the work means. And if there's some confusion there or you're faced with resistance, maybe you could share with a partner that I'm not doing this because I think that this is broken and you're doing something wrong and I'm trying to change you or any other stories that you think you might need to dismantle. But really because I love our relationship and I really want to invest in it in the same way that I'd invest in any other part of my life that I really valued and wanted to nurture. You do exercise to take care of your health or you would take lessons in dance if you wanted to learn to be a better dancer. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong there or that we need to get defensive or protective of the thing. But I think oftentimes we have all of these really unrealistic expectations of how easy relationships should be. And that if you are doing work together, if you're going to couples counselling, if you're having big talks about your feelings or if you're reading a relationship book or doing a course together, that that means that there's something wrong and that you're failing.
[00:10:44]:
And I think for some people more than others, that can be a real point of sensitivity and can bring up a lot of stuff and it can bring up a lot of those defence mechanisms that we can see, whether that's avoidance or denial or projection or any number of things that basically deflect away from the need to look deeper. Because that can feel quite confronting for some. So getting really clear, making sure that when you're trying to talk to your partner about this stuff, that you're not bringing the energy of blame and attack because that's just going to provide evidence in support of the fear story that someone's likely harbouring if they have a lot of resistance. So really trying to dismantle that and leading by example, by showing like I don't think there's anything wrong. I just really would love for us to go deeper or to expand or build more joy, more fun, more peace, more play, more intimacy, because that really matters to me and because I love you. So I think that's a very different angle than dragging someone by the scruff of their neck to counselling because you've had enough and this is a last resort. I think that's going to be really hard because, of course, for a lot of people, that will bring up resistance because they feel very powerless and they feel like they're being maybe that they're going to be ambushed. I think that's a really common dynamic when it comes to couples therapy as well, that you're just recruiting someone who's going to take your side and tell me all of the ways that I'm bad.
[00:12:16]:
So really getting clear around what the objective is, what your intentions are, explaining why it's important to you, really forefronting your values in that, and how growth is really important for you as an individual and for the two of you as a couple. And that feels really important to the ongoing thriving of the relationship and ensuring that it doesn't get lazy or complacent or stagnant as so many relationships do. I think the other important thing to say is that you're allowed to value growth and you're allowed to really prioritise that. I think I've said it on the podcast before where I'm at in my life now, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who wasn't interested in growing in the way that I am. It doesn't have to be in the exact way that I am or at the exact point in my journey that I'm at. I'm not telling you that you need to recruit someone who is your exact copy. I don't think that's advisable or realistic, but alignment is important. And if growth and development is of the utmost priority to you, and that really is a high ranking value for you in your own life and in your relationships, then I think it's totally valid to stand behind that and to convey the gravity of that or the magnitude of that desire to a partner.
[00:13:45]:
And ultimately, of course, it's going to vary hugely depending on the circumstances if you've been with someone for 20 years versus if you're dating someone for two months. Right? So I'm not going to lay down the law on what you should do in any of those situations, but rather just to really validate that that is a perfectly understandable desire and value. And that's certainly something that I value very highly and very appreciative of in my own relationship, that my partner and I are aligned on, that it's something that we'll be speaking about, I think I mentioned at the last episode I might not have here. Joel, my partner, will be featuring in the new course on couple stuff and anxious avoidant dynamics. And it's something that we'll be speaking to these dynamics in the context of anxious avoidant relationships. But yeah, just to say that you don't have to shy away from that if you know that's really important to you. And while it might not look exactly the same, someone's work might look really different to yours. Just because your partner doesn't want to read a book about relationships that you thought was an amazing book doesn't mean that they don't care about the relationship.
[00:14:51]:
Just because they don't want to do an online course or listen to this podcast with you. It doesn't have to mean anything. You don't get to control the exact steps that they take. But I think some people will say to me, my partner says I don't need to do any work on myself because I like myself the way I am. Full stop, end of conversation. And I think that can be hard to work with, particularly when the relationship is struggling and someone's deflecting all of the attention away from themselves and suggesting that they've not got work to do. That can be hard to work with and that can be hard to build with that kind of attitude. So I just wanted to say that to validate that you don't have to struggle through that.
[00:15:34]:
Particularly, as I said, if it's earlier in a relationship and if you're not in a relationship at the moment, I would really encourage you to get clear. This is a bit of a sidebar, but write down what your values are, write down what's really important to you, and willingness to grow together can absolutely be a high ranking value of yours. And so you can have that front of mind when you're dating people, when you're connecting with new people and making sure that you're screening for that to make sure that you're aligned because it can make a big difference down the road. Okay, so I hope that has been helpful. I realise we jumped around a bit there, but just to recap, it's so normal to have resistance. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with your partner or your relationship. I think most couples will encounter some form of this at some point in the journey, so don't get too down and out if this is the situation that you're in. And try to be somewhat open minded and curious as to what purpose their resistance might be serving.
[00:16:34]:
What are they protecting behind that resistance? What feels really vulnerable or edgy for them about the idea of doing work together? And how might you offer them some additional context communication, dismantling some of those stories that they might have around what it means to do the work and really explain why for you it doesn't have to mean all bad things and really quite the contrary. It's a sign of how much you love and appreciate them and how much you value the relationship can be a really helpful reframe. Also that you are allowed to value this. You don't need to downplay that or deny that, because it's a totally valid need. But also, just try and be somewhat flexible around not needing a partner's journey and their work to look exactly the same as yours, because oftentimes it won't. And I think sometimes when we're expecting someone to have the same path as us, that's when we can get a bit controlling and judgmental, and that tends to make the resistance worse. I really hope that that has been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or a rating.
[00:17:38]:
It really does help so much, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.