#168: How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
In this episode of On Attachment, we’re diving into how to support an avoidant partner in opening up emotionally. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by your partner’s emotional distance or found yourself unsure how to help them feel safe in the relationship, this episode is for you.
In this episode of On Attachment, we’re diving into how to support an avoidant partner in opening up emotionally. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by your partner’s emotional distance or found yourself unsure how to help them feel safe in the relationship, this episode is for you.
How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
Navigating relationships with an avoidant partner can be challenging, especially if you’re someone who craves deep connection and intimacy. Avoidant attachment patterns often stem from a need to protect oneself from vulnerability, making it difficult for partners to feel close. However, with the right approach, it’s possible to create a safe space that encourages your avoidant partner to open up naturally. Here are three key strategies to support them while also honouring your own needs.
1. Build Your Own Inner Security
A foundational step in supporting an avoidant partner is to cultivate a strong sense of self-confidence, self-worth, and independence. Avoidant partners highly value autonomy and often feel overwhelmed or smothered when they sense their partner relying on them too heavily.
For those with anxious attachment, it’s common to focus intensely on the relationship, placing disproportionate weight on the partner for emotional fulfilment. This can inadvertently create a dynamic where the avoidant partner feels pressured or even engulfed. Shifting this pattern requires diversifying your emotional and social energy—investing in friendships, hobbies, and self-care practices that help you feel grounded and fulfilled outside the relationship.
By showing your avoidant partner that you are secure and self-sufficient, you help alleviate their fears of being consumed by the relationship. This creates space for them to take steps toward you, building trust and closeness at a pace that feels safe for both of you.
2. Lead with Curiosity, Not Control
It’s tempting to assume the role of “coach” or “therapist” in your relationship, particularly if you’ve done extensive personal development work. While this often comes from a place of genuine care, unsolicited advice or attempts to “fix” your partner can come across as patronising or controlling. Avoidant individuals are particularly sensitive to these dynamics and may retreat further in response.
Instead, aim to approach your partner with genuine curiosity and empathy. Resist the urge to impose your perspective or push them to engage with resources (books, podcasts, etc.) they’re not interested in. When you let go of the agenda to change them, you create a non-judgmental space where they feel respected and understood. This shift in approach can significantly reduce defensiveness and foster a more open dialogue.
3. Be a Safe Landing Place for Vulnerability
When an avoidant partner does share something vulnerable, how you respond matters deeply. A critical or overly emotional reaction can reinforce their fear that opening up is unsafe. It’s essential to handle their disclosures with care, even if what they share is difficult to hear.
Strive to remain grounded and supportive in these moments. For example, if your partner shares something challenging, you might say, “That’s hard for me to hear, but I really appreciate you being honest with me.” This response acknowledges your feelings while affirming the value of their vulnerability.
Equally important is avoiding the use of their disclosures against them later. If your partner shares an intimate fear or struggle, weaponising it in future disagreements undermines trust and reinforces their protective instincts. Consistently showing that you can be trusted with their feelings is key to building deeper intimacy.
Why This Matters
Supporting an avoidant partner isn’t about taking responsibility for their healing or sacrificing your own needs. It’s about recognising what’s within your control and making choices that promote connection rather than conflict. By focusing on your own growth, leading with empathy, and respecting their boundaries, you foster an environment where vulnerability and intimacy can naturally thrive.
Relationships with avoidant partners can test your patience and resilience, but they also offer opportunities for profound personal growth. By shifting the focus inward and cultivating healthier dynamics, you not only support your partner but also create a relationship that feels more balanced, secure, and fulfilling for both of you.
If you’re looking to dive deeper into this work, consider exploring resources that help you build self-worth and understand attachment dynamics — like my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment. With intentional effort and mutual respect, meaningful connection is possible—even with the challenges avoidant attachment may present.
Creating a safe and loving space for your partner starts with creating one for yourself. As you strengthen your relationship with yourself, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the complexities of your relationship, supporting your partner in a way that honours both of your needs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your own attachment style. Do you identify more with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or a different style altogether? How has this influenced your relationship dynamics?
How do you currently handle situations where your partner withdraws or becomes distant? What emotions arise for you in these moments?
Do you sometimes find yourself trying to "fix" your avoidant partner? What are some alternative ways you can approach these situations that might foster more trust and intimacy?
In what ways do you rely on your partner to meet your emotional needs? What other sources of support or activities could you incorporate into your life to balance this reliance?
How do you react when your partner opens up and shares something vulnerable with you? Reflect on a recent instance and consider how you might want to handle it differently in the future.
When you think about building your own self-esteem and self-worth, what specific actions or practices come to mind? How can you integrate these into your daily routine?
Recall a moment when you felt judged or controlled by someone else. How did that experience affect your willingness to open up to them? How might this relate to your avoidant partner's behaviour?
Do you have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to your partner? How do you think this impacts your relationship? Explore ways to shift this dynamic.
Reflect on any boundaries you've set within your relationship. How do these boundaries support both your needs and your partner’s needs?
Consider a time when you've been angry or upset by something your partner shared with you. How did you express those feelings, and what was the outcome? What strategies can you use to ensure your reactions encourage rather than hinder future vulnerability?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So this is one that I get asked a lot. It's obviously something that weighs heavily on the minds and hearts of people in relationship with avoidant attached folk, who are often anxiously attached, as we know. And wanting to build that deeper connection, wanting to feel a greater sense of intimacy in the relationship. But I think what often happens is the ways that we go about doing that, particularly if you are more anxious, can actually have the opposite effect, and you can find that the more you push to try and get close to your avoidant partner, the more they pull away or, you know, rebuff your attempts at creating more depth and intimacy in the relationship. So in today's episode, I'm going to be giving you a few tips as to how you might go about building greater intimacy, creating more safety so that your avoidant partner can open, and building a more connected relationship in the process. And all of that is without being manipulative or trying to pry them open because, as a bit of a spoiler alert, that's probably what you've done by default in the past, and it tends not to work very well.
[00:01:49]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I wanted to share a couple of quick announcements, the first and most important being that Healing Anxious Attachment is reopening for registration in less than 2 weeks' time. So for anyone who's new around here, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature 8 week program. I've been running it for about two and a half years now, and this will be the 9th cohort. We've had well over 2,000 students in the program, and it is very near and dear to my heart. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to make a change in a supportive community, and with a very much tried and tested framework, I would love to have you in the program. If you jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes, or head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. You'll be able to add your name to the wait list, which guarantees you a spot in the program along with early bird pricing, so you'll save a $100.
[00:02:46]:
So would of course love to see as many of you in there as possible. As I said, registration opening in less than 2 weeks, and we'll be kicking off in the new year. 2nd quick announcement is just to say that my Black Friday sale is still available, so I've got some really generous discounts on my self paced programs and master classes on my website. I'll leave that up for another couple days, so if anyone missed out in amongst all of the other Black Friday onslaught, you've still got an opportunity to sneak in and take advantage of those discounts, which are up to 75% off. So a really great deal for anyone who's interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So as I alluded to in the introduction, and something that I've touched on before in the podcast is being really mindful when we are in relationship with someone with avoidant patterns.
[00:03:41]:
And actually, in any kind of relationship, including the one we have with ourselves, is that our protective patterns, our defense mechanisms, of which distance is, of course, one for avoiding people, those protective patterns are there for a reason, and there is wisdom there, and they have developed in response to a very real fear or other emotional experience. And so when we are in partnership with someone and we observe that they have certain protective patterns or mechanisms, we don't want to go blasting through those or developing a manipulative scheme to sneak around them. We really wanna honor that those defense mechanisms are protecting something very real and very tender much of the time. And of course, the more threatened someone feels, the more vehemently their protective parts are going to step to their defense and are going to keep those more vulnerable parts locked away and very fiercely defended and protected. So at the outset, I just want to emphasize that if you are thinking, how can I get my avoidant partner to open up? The question that I want you to reframe that to is, how can I contribute to their experience of safety such that opening up happens organically as a natural consequence of them feeling more safe in the relationship? So not how can I get them to open up, but how can I support them to feel safe enough to do so of their own accord? And I would say that opening, or put differently, an increase in vulnerability and maybe a softening of one's defenses is really a natural consequence of feeling more safe. So that, of course, begs the question of what causes an avoidant partner to feel unsafe in a relationship, and how might we shift that to the extent that our behavior is contributing to their experience of unsafety. I also wanna name that some people might be saying, you know, why is it my responsibility to create safety for them when they do all of these things that undermine my sense of safety in the relationship or my sense of security in the relationship? Why is it my responsibility to caretake them? To which I'd say, it's not. No one's forcing you to do that, and you absolutely don't have to.
[00:06:12]:
But as always, my work seeks to steer people towards an awareness of what is within their control, and what they can take responsibility for, what they can exert agency over. And so, if you are desiring more intimacy with your partner, and you are wanting to feel more close to them, what I'm going to be sharing is with a view to supporting you to do that in a way that is, you know, respectful of your partner and also honoring of yourself. Okay. So to that end, the first tip that I wanna give you in supporting an avoidant partner to feel safe enough to open up is that you should focus on yourself and cultivating more inner security, more of a sense of self confidence, and a healthy level of independence and self sufficiency. And of course, I'll say that you should do that work for you first and foremost, but it will often have a very welcome side effect or by product in that your avoidant partner will feel safer to take steps towards you and take steps towards connection when they don't feel like you are smothering them or hovering over them or clinging to them like they are a life raft, like they are the only thing in your life, and if they don't do what you need them to do, then you spiral into an anxious panic, and you get very triggered and very activated and escalate in all of your anxious behaviors. So of course, knowing what we know about avoidant attachment and knowing that they very much value their own independence and their autonomy, their sense of self, they similarly really value when other people possess those qualities, and we can acknowledge that avoidant folks can take that to extremes in terms of hyper independence rather than a healthy level of independence. But equally, we can acknowledge that anxiously attached people tend to really struggle, and if anything, tend more towards codependent patterns where they don't really have any demarcated sense of self independent of their relationship. That tends to be very much at the core of their identity, is their role as someone's partner, and so much of their mental energy goes to the relationship.
[00:08:34]:
So when that's the baseline, it's really easy for someone who sits at the other end of the spectrum, valuing independence, valuing autonomy, to feel threatened by their partner's overdependence on them and the relationship. That can very quickly feel overwhelming, smothering, threatening, unsafe. And against that backdrop, it's little wonder that avoidant partners don't feel safe to open up, to be vulnerable, to depend on a partner, to express needs, anything like that, because that is essentially tantamount to going even closer, and that is not something that they're likely to initiate when maybe they already feel like things are too close for comfort. Now, what happens when an anxious partner starts to build up their sense of self and they become someone who has healthy self esteem, healthy self worth, they diversify their energy across other areas of their life so that they're not just hovering around their partner all the time, Their avoidant partner is likely to feel less under pressure to be everything to them, and so that creates space for them to take more initiative and build more connection from a place of knowing that their boundaries are not going to be crossed, they're not going to become enmeshed or totally engulfed by the relationship, by their partner, because they see that their partner has other stuff going on, and they don't get this same kind of needy, desperate, clingy energy from their partner, which naturally builds their sense of trust in the safety of that closeness. It's like the closeness becomes something that they can flow with rather than this scary torrent or tsunami that's going to swallow them whole, and they're going to be defenseless against it. So the more that you, as an anxiously attached person, can build up your self confidence, be more comfortable getting your needs met elsewhere alongside your relationship, rather than expecting your partner to be everything to you. Spending more time with other people, other friends, colleagues, having your own interests and hobbies, all of that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner, and they're going to see you in a more positive light, but also trust in the intimacy and the relationship more. And of course, I've got bucketloads of other episodes that give more detail on how you can go about doing that as an anxiously attached person, and certainly my healing anxious attachment course goes into all of those things in a lot of detail.
[00:11:12]:
So that's number 1. Focus on you, building yourself up so that you are not approaching your avoidant partner from a survival driven place of desperation, from a sense that you have this internal deficit that you need them to fill. You need to fill that yourself so that you can come to the relationship on a more level footing, and that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner and for you. As I said, the impacts on your relationship and on your partner are a bonus. You must do that work for yourself because that is your healing work as an anxiously attached person. Okay. The second one is to approach your avoidant partner with genuine curiosity and resist the urge to exhibit any sort of righteous, judgmental, holier than thou, I know better than you, I know what you need kind of behaviors and attitudes, which will inevitably, 10 times out of 10, elicit defensiveness in your avoidant partner and an unwillingness to open to you. If you become their self appointed coach and therapist, that is not going to be a dynamic that they are going to like.
[00:12:27]:
They are likely to have a lot of resistance to that, and they are likely to push you away rather than, you know, see that as some amazing thing and want to pull you closer. So again, I think anxiously attached people can easily fall into this trap. I know it's an easy place for me to go and it's something I have to really watch in myself. When you are someone who's really emotionally attuned to others and couple that with maybe you've done a lot of personal development work and you've done a lot of reading, listening to podcasts, books, all of that. So you feel like you're very literate in the world of whether it's attachment or other things to do with psychology, understanding people. And you might feel like you've really got a leg up on your partner in that respect because oftentimes more avoidant people are not so interested in all of that stuff, not so proactive about wanting to understand their inner world. And I think from that place, that disparity, it's easy to assume that we know our partners in a world better than they do, we know and understand their fears better than they do, and that we know and understand what they need more than they do, and that if they would just listen to us, then that would solve everything and we could coach them out of the things that they fear and struggle with. Now, I say this with so much love, and as I said, I say this as someone who can very easily fall into that.
[00:13:54]:
I think there's a real arrogance to that, and even though it is almost always well intentioned and we really do think that we see things that they don't, and we may, right? I don't want to discount the possibility of that being true. But when someone hasn't asked for your advice, they haven't asked for your guidance or input, just offering that in an unsolicited way, and particularly when it is in the nature of I can see all the ways in which you are broken and I know how to fix you, it's not as loving as we think it is. Right? And I think this is an area where anxiously attached people need to understand the concept of respecting other people's boundaries. And we talk so much about boundaries in terms of our own boundaries and how people treat us, but I think an often overlooked aspect of that is how much we insert ourselves into other people's stuff without them asking us to, and that, you know, going back to what we talked about around avoidant people not wanting to feel smothered, controlled, and not wanting to feel this sense of engulfment, you can see how that would feel very intrusive and invasive, and again that is going to lead them to close rather than open. So dropping any sense of trying to coach them, trying to be their therapist, trying to offer them unsolicited advice, trying to force them to read books or listen to podcasts that they're not interested in consuming, all of that can come across as quite righteous and judgmental, and as if you know them better than they do, and that's a little bit condescending and patronizing oftentimes in terms of how it lands. And again, I recognize that that's not the intention, but I do think we have to examine how that might look and feel from the receiver's point of view. So try and really drop the agenda in terms of getting them to change or getting them to see things from your point of view. You can certainly share resources and stuff with them, but I would do so without being attached to the outcome, without being attached to them needing to find the same light bulb moments in that material as you do.
[00:16:15]:
And certainly, it shouldn't be something that you're nagging them about repeatedly, and if they have resistance, that you're judging them for the resistance. Not everyone's journey and growth looks the same, and as I said, if your goal and the thing that you're really desiring is more connection and more intimacy, more vulnerability, making someone feel controlled and judged and approved of is not going to be your ticket there. So try as much as you possibly can to drop the agenda, and really lead with curiosity and trust that they know what they need more than you do. Okay. And the 3rd and final tip that I want to give you is if and when your avoidant partner does open up or does exhibit some vulnerability, please don't make them regret that. So do not use it against them. Do not respond in a way that then feels really unsafe. So for example, if they share something honestly with you, don't then get really upset or angry with them for what they share.
[00:17:21]:
That is going to send the message of, see, this is exactly why I don't tell you things because you get mad at me or because you punish me. Right? And that can be challenging because sometimes the truth is hard to hear, and we really have to do our best to hold a sense of security and groundedness within ourselves. This doesn't mean you have to be unaffected or pretend to be unaffected. You can share, you know, oh, that's kind of hard for me to hear, but it's really important to me that you're able to share honestly. Right? So there is a middle ground there. You don't just have to bottle it up. But if you have some big emotional response and start crying and saying, How could you say that? When you've asked them to tell you the truth and then they tell you the truth, well, you can be sure that they're not going to do that very readily in the future, because, as I said, you have reinforced their story that being vulnerable, being honest, doesn't lead to good outcomes. And so they're likely to bottle things up or be evasive or be dishonest going forward.
[00:18:29]:
So really try and be a safe person for them to open up to in terms of how you respond to that, and so no judgement, no disapproval, no punishment in terms of how you respond to their vulnerability. Likewise, don't flip it around and use it against them in the future. So if they open up and they say something like, I guess I'm scared of letting people see the real me, and you feel like, wow, that's a real breakthrough because I've never acknowledged something like that before. And then a month later, you're having a different conversation, and they are maybe being more defensive, and they're not acknowledging that they have intimacy blocks, and you say, You acknowledged yourself a month ago that you blah blah blah blah blah, and so you're taking that which they shared vulnerably with you and turning it against them and using it to bolster your own argument and to get what you want. Right? That is not loving. It's not kind. It's manipulative, and it's, again, certainly not going to lead to more vulnerability, more emotional safety, more connection. It will do the opposite.
[00:19:40]:
So make sure that you are a safe person for them to open up to, and that you are handling with care anything that they share with you, because anything else and that's not going to happen again. That's going to prove their story right, that opening up to people is not the right thing to do. It is not a safe thing to do. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, those three tips were to focus on building up your own self esteem and self worth so that there is more balance in the relationship and they don't feel like you are so dependent on them and needing connection with them from this really intense survival driven place. That's going to allow them to take steps towards you and towards deeper connection without fearing that they're going to be smothered. The second one was don't appoint yourself as their coach or their therapist.
[00:20:33]:
Don't offer unsolicited advice or feedback. Don't approach them with this agenda of trying to transform them or heal them. It's not a very sexy dynamic, and particularly if they haven't asked for input, that it's going to come across as controlling and manipulative, and it is going to do the opposite to what you are intending. And the third and final one was, if and when they do open up to you, make sure that you are a safe landing place for whatever they share. Definitely don't punish them or get angry at them, get upset at them, or use it against them in some way to bolster your own argument or your point of view. We really have to be responsible and kind and loving and respectful of the things that people share with us when they are sharing vulnerably. So I hope that that was helpful. As I said, if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely jump on that wait list via the link in the show notes or on my website.
[00:21:34]:
I would love to see as many of you as possible in the program. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:44]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, avoidant partner, intimacy, emotional safety, vulnerability, anxious attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment, program registration, self-esteem, self-worth, personal growth, protective patterns, defense mechanisms, emotional experience, curiosity, non-judgmental, emotional response, trust, connection, mindfulness, independence, autonomy, self-confidence, relationship dynamics, emotional closeness, communication, vulnerability blocks, supportive community, self-sufficiency
#167: How to Balance Compassion for Others with Boundaries for Yourself
In today's episode, we're talking about the delicate balance between compassion for others, and boundaries for ourselves. For those of us who tend towards empathy and curiosity towards others' inner worlds, it's easy to fixate on the "why" behind their behaviours (particularly behaviours we don't like or understand). And while that is an admirable trait, without clear boundaries it can easily veer into self-abandonment.
In today's episode, we're talking about the delicate balance between compassion for others, and boundaries for ourselves. For those of us who tend towards empathy and curiosity towards others' inner worlds, it's easy to fixate on the "why" behind their behaviours (particularly behaviours we don't like or understand). And while that is an admirable trait, without clear boundaries it can easily veer into self-abandonment.
I'll share some thoughts on how to find a balance between compassion and generosity in our interpretation of others' behaviour, while also having clarity and firmness in our self-advocacy and knowing what we can and can't tolerate.
Balancing Compassion for Others with Boundaries for Yourself
Navigating the delicate balance between compassion for others and boundaries for oneself is a challenge many face, particularly those with anxious attachment tendencies. This balance is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships without losing oneself in the process. Below we explore how to find and uphold this balance, whether in romantic relationships, family dynamics, or friendships.
Understanding Compassion and Its Role in Relationships
Compassion is the ability to understand and empathise with the suffering or feelings of others. It’s about looking beyond an individual’s actions and seeing the underlying motivations or struggles. This connective empathy can be a beautiful trait, fostering deep and meaningful relationships. However, it can also lead to pitfalls for those who have a tendency to care for others at their own expense.
Anxiously attached individuals are often highly empathetic, making them prone to extending excessive compassion. This can result in overlooking their own needs and boundaries in the hope of maintaining peace and harmony in relationships.
The Pitfalls of Overextending Compassion
When compassion is overextended, it can lead to self-abandonment—a scenario where one’s needs and well-being are compromised to accommodate others. This is particularly common among people with anxious attachment patterns, who may rationalise or excuse unacceptable behaviours from others, simply to hold onto the relationship.
For example, understanding why someone ghosts, such as their fear or anxiety about confrontation, may lead one to excuse this hurtful behaviour repeatedly. While empathy is useful in discerning intent, it shouldn't overshadow the importance of how such actions impact our emotional health and boundaries.
The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in all relationships. They are the invisible lines that denote what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, ensuring mutual respect and individual well-being.
For individuals with tendencies towards anxious attachment, setting and maintaining boundaries might feel daunting. There's often a fear of rocking the boat or losing the relationship if firm lines are drawn. However, without boundaries, individuals risk feeling undervalued, unsupported, and ultimately overwhelmed.
Finding the Middle Ground: Compassion with Boundaries
Striking a balance between compassion and boundaries requires awareness and practice. Here are some key steps to help navigate this delicate dance:
Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your own needs, values, and limits. Regularly checking in with oneself can help in recognising when a boundary needs to be set.
Clear Communication: Articulate your boundaries clearly to others. Explain why certain behaviours are unacceptable and what the repercussions will be if they continue.
Follow Through: Consistency is crucial. If a boundary is crossed, follow through with the stated consequences. This not only reinforces your limits but also builds self-trust.
Balance Empathy: While it’s important to understand the 'why' behind someone’s actions, it’s equally vital not to allow every reason to become an excuse. Assess behaviours through a balanced lens of empathy and self-respect.
Navigating Family Dynamics with Compassion and Boundaries
Family dynamics can be particularly tricky, especially during gatherings like holidays. Unlike romantic relationships, severing ties with family can feel more drastic and complex.
When dealing with family, being realistic about your expectations is key. Here’s how to manage interactions:
Prepare Mentally: Before family gatherings, prepare yourself for the possibility of encountering old triggers and dynamics. Set realistic expectations about how much the family environment is likely to change.
Resource Yourself: Ensure your emotional bucket is full. Engage in activities that keep you grounded and regulated. This might be engaging in meditation, going for a walk, or simply taking some quiet time.
Communicate When Possible: If there are recurring issues, consider addressing them calmly and respectfully before gatherings. Sometimes, a pre-emptive boundary setting can prevent conflicts.
Know When to Step Away: If a situation becomes too intense, it’s okay to step away. Excuse yourself from the room or environment to preserve your well-being.
The Role of Self-Compassion and Self-Respect
At the heart of balancing compassion for others with self-boundaries is self-compassion and self-respect. Recognising that it is both important and necessary to honour your needs and emotional health is fundamental.
Self-compassion allows you to be kind to yourself, especially when you make mistakes or face difficult decisions. Self-respect ensures that you advocate for your own well-being, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Conclusion
Balancing compassion for others with boundaries for oneself is a dynamic process that requires ongoing self-awareness and intentionality. By understanding where your own limits lie and practising self-care, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships where both parties feel valued and understood. Remember, your responsibility is to take care of yourself first and foremost; this is what ultimately enables you to extend genuine, sustainable compassion to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt conflicted between showing compassion for someone else and respecting your own boundaries. How did you navigate that situation, and what did you learn from it?
Do you notice any patterns of self-abandonment in your relationships? What are some specific examples? How do you feel these patterns have impacted your well-being and sense of self?
How comfortable are you with setting and upholding boundaries? Consider both your romantic and family relationships. In what ways do these challenges differ across these contexts?
When you think about your family dynamics, do you feel you often revert to old roles or behaviours? How does this affect your interactions during family gatherings or holidays?
We often talk about the importance of self-compassion. How do you practice self-compassion, and how do you think it influences your ability to set healthy boundaries in your relationships?
Consider a relationship where you have given someone multiple chances despite repeated boundary violations. What fears or hopes have kept you in that dynamic, and how might reinforcing your boundaries change the outcome?
How does your inner dialogue change when you encounter a trigger in a family setting? How can you shift this dialogue to be more supportive and less reactive?
Reflect on the difference between "knee-jerk" self-protection and mature, intentional self-protection. How can you practice more of the latter in your relationships?
Think about a recent conflict or tension within a close relationship. How did you balance understanding the other person's perspective with staying true to your own needs? What could you have done differently?
How do you typically prepare yourself for interactions with family members who may push your boundaries? What are some strategies you can use to remain grounded and regulated during these interactions?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to balance compassion for others with boundaries for ourself. Now that might not sound like a particularly sexy topic, but it's actually one that I think the vast majority of people, and certainly people within my audience, which tends to be people who struggle with anxious attachment, could use a lesson in. And I think it's one that applies to not only our romantic relationships, but certainly our family dynamics, maybe even friendships. So it's really broadened its application, and at the heart of this is you know, how to stop abandoning yourself in an effort to understand and accommodate others, and particularly in the context of understanding the motives behind someone's behaviour, the context for their behaviour, you know, what leads them to be the way they are, I think those of us who are naturally very empathetic and are naturally driven to try and maintain relationships and hold on to relationships, I think that can create a perfect storm where we spend so much time trying to understand someone that we maybe lose sight of what we actually need in that dynamic, in that relationship, in order to feel, you know, safe and fulfilled and cared for and supported and whatever else. So I wanna share some thoughts on that today and giving you some things to think about in terms of finding where that line is for you. And it will be different in different relationships, you know, what the boundary is that you might need.
[00:02:09]:
That will look different depending on the context, but it's a conversation that I think is really important. As I said, I think this is obviously a big one in romantic relationships, but equally, I think that having compassion and extending compassion and grace towards family members who we might have some tension with, as we go into that holiday season where I know, a lot of people will be spending more time with family than usual, and in circumstances where you might be in close confines, it can turn into a bit of a pressure cooker. Learning how to navigate that with grace so that you're not swinging between extremes of either snapping and isolating yourself or experiencing big ruptures that feel really awful, or just biting your tongue over and over again and copying a lot of stuff that doesn't feel good in the name of keeping the peace, which then veers more towards the self abandonment side of the the seesaw. So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that today and hopefully some reminders that will allow you to navigate these kinds of relationship dynamics with grace and confidence and maturity and enough regulation and groundedness that you feel like you have choice, that you can stay present in yourself rather than losing yourself. But, you know, you have enough ability to see the situation clearly such that you're not being highly reactive and emotional in your decision making from a place of fear or stress or overwhelm, which as I said, I think they're the 2 extremes that we tend to swing between when it comes to things like this. Before I dive into today's discussion, a couple of quick announcements. My Black Friday sale is now live. You may have gotten an email from me if you're on my email list along with the 5,000,000 other emails that you'd be getting this week.
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It's a very generous sale up to 75% off. I've got a master class bundle, which includes all my master classes and my Higher Love course, which is my breakup course, as well as my Secure Together course, which is my anxious avoid a relationship course. All of those are heavily discounted this week, so if you've been interested and eyeing any of those, now's a really great time to jump in. I've also opened applications this week for Homecoming, which is my 6 month mentorship mastermind program. It'll be kicking off in February next year. It's a small group program. It's the most intimate way to work with me at the moment. So if you are looking for a higher touch experience, a way to work more closely with me, I would love to receive your application for homecoming.
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I'm really looking forward to running this program again. I had to take a bit of a hiatus to be pregnant and have a baby, but really looking forward to kicking that off in the new year. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around compassion and boundaries, how to balance them, and what that actually looks like. So I wanna start by looking at what happens when we don't have compassion for others, which as a side note, tends to go hand in hand with when we are not very good at having self compassion. So when we lack compassion for others, we tend to be highly judgmental, critical. We tend to take things very personally, so we're very much more reactive and defensive. But if we judge other people's behavior through this lens of right and wrong and how could they do that, and we put ourselves at the center of the story, and we feel like everything is a personal attack.
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It really makes us very susceptible to having quite insecure, volatile relationships, right, with a lot of conflict, a lot of rapture, a lot of misunderstanding. And we'll often react to people's behavior with a very naturally defensive response, which makes sense when we think that the behavior is directed at us and we don't like the behavior. We think that everyone's out to get us, trying to hurt us, or are callous and careless in their behavior. And that feels so threatening to our system. And so we feel like we have to do something about it. And oftentimes that looks like telling them about how bad they are and how could they do that. But believe it or not, responding in that way to someone and, you know, trying to tell them about all of the ways that they are wrong and bad tends not to play very well. And I'm sure that you know this as well as I do because most people, I would say the vast majority of people, the vast majority of the time, do not set out with the intention to hurt others.
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To cause harm, to be cruel, to be unkind. Usually there is some other thing there going on for them. And even if the desire that is really driving their behaviour is a self centred one, we could use common examples like ghosting. Right? That's a behaviour that most people would agree is not a great behaviour. And it's easy. You know, if ever I've posted a video on Instagram about ghosting, the comments are always riddled with people who have obviously been on the receiving end of ghosting and are very hurt and want to say things like, Anyone who ghosts is just a coward and selfish, narcissistic, whatever other things we want to put in there. And I get it. I get that when you are affected by behavior that you don't like, that you wouldn't choose, that if you cared about someone, you wouldn't behave towards them in that way.
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But we can also see that maybe behind someone's ghosting is a desire to not hurt someone's feelings, or intense anxiety, conflict aversion, fear of someone taking it the wrong way or getting angry at them, a commitment to peace and not wanting to have that discomfort and that awkwardness, right? And I'm sure that at various points along the way, we've all felt one of those feelings. Now, that doesn't mean that we would all choose ghosting as the solution, but we can relate to the underlying emotional experience. And so, compassion is really about looking through behavior, looking through the what, and feeling into the why. And going, Oh, okay. That makes sense. I don't necessarily like the behavior. I don't necessarily agree with the choice that you made. But I can understand where it came from.
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Now, I think, as I said, a lot of people who are more empathetic, which tends to overlap with people with anxious attachment, those of us who are very attuned to other people's emotional states and very curious about other people's inner worlds tend not to struggle so much with the compassion part. If anything, we tend to over do it on the compassion part and be so accommodating of other people's inner world and so understanding about why they might have behaved the way that they behaved that we start to make excuses or that we veer into the territory of self abandonment. Right? And that looks like when someone behaves in a way that is hurtful, harmful, unacceptable, intolerable to us in some way, And we spend that time trying to figure out why they did it. And then because we think we figured out why, then we decide that it's okay. And we overlook the part in the situation where that behavior is really not workable for us, not tenable for us. And we sort of plow forward, blinded by our empathy and our compassion, and it becomes really imbalanced because we've forgotten about ourselves in that equation. And oftentimes, in the case of anxious ourselves in that equation. And oftentimes, in the case of anxious attachment, that is coming from the part of us that wants to hold onto a relationship.
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And maybe we can justify doing so if we go, well, it's because of x, y, z thing. They did it because they were scared. They did it because they were very stressed. And when the thing that they did is something that is unacceptable, that crosses a line for you, that's where we can get into a bit of a danger zone in terms of not having our own back and not taking good care of ourselves, not advocating for ourselves in terms of where our limits lie in relationships. Okay? And so it really is absolutely paramount that we find a way to walk the line in the middle. And this is challenging for people with insecure attachment to do. This is really the crux of, like, all of my work is finding our way to a healthy middle and figuring out what that looks like. Because we do tend to swing between extremes on all fronts, right? On boundaries themselves.
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Anxiously attached people tend to have no boundaries. Avoided people tend to have super rigid boundaries. And I think as anxiously attached people start to do the work of bringing more boundaries into their lives, it's really easy to pendulum, swing it overcorrect into something that is really rigid rather than something that sits in the healthy middle that is flexible but firm. So it's really essential as, I suppose, a prerequisite to being able to figure out where that line falls is to be attuned enough to yourself and your inner world to know what you're okay with, what you're comfortable with. And if you've had a long pattern of self abandonment, then you've probably not got a great internal radar for what is okay behaviour. If you've always been in this pattern of making excuses of holding onto a relationship at the expense of your well-being. And so that's going to be part of your work. It's almost honing your sensitivity to your own internal feedback system rather than overriding that internal feedback and just ploughing forward, making excuses for someone else, giving someone a 1,000,001 chances to do the right thing, and actually asking that question of, like, what does taking great care of myself in this situation look like? If I was really firm in my worth and my self respect and my boundaries, would I be available for this kind of dynamic? If someone has a pattern of behavior that's really unacceptable to me and really I can't tolerate, am I just going to keep telling them that they can't do this anymore and then they do it again and then you know, I continue to tell them that they can't do this anymore, but I don't actually follow through on, you know, what I am saying.
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I I think that the gap between actions and words, we always judge other people for their words and their actions not aligning without realizing that we are guilty of the very same thing when we don't uphold our boundaries. So understanding what your limits are and being committed enough to them that you will follow through on them. Right? If you say, I cannot tolerate this, then you need to be the one to pull the trigger if behaviour continues that you cannot tolerate and you need to of course it's disappointing if someone doesn't respect a boundary, but it comes to a point where you need to extract yourself from the situation or modify something on your side, rather than just stomping up and down and saying, It's so unfair. Why aren't you changing? Right? And that's, you know, a place again where we can get really stuck and it tends to be for those of us who don't wanna let go of a relationship and don't wanna let go of the hope of change in a relationship. And that's a really powerless place to be. Right? We can really feel like a victim when we're in that, and I say that lovingly. I say that as someone who can very easily fall into that, feeling like the only thing that will make us feel better is the other person doing what we want them to do so that we don't have to do the thing that we're scared to do. Right? So I think figuring out what are my limits? What can I tolerate? And being very clear in your communication of both why the behavior doesn't work for you, what your limit is, and what the consequence will be if something doesn't change or if behavior continues along those lines.
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And then being willing to follow through on that. Okay? Now I do wanna just quickly talk about what that might look like in the context of family stuff because I know that family dynamics is this whole load kettle of fish. I actually did a mini training on navigating family dynamics during the holidays for my insider's membership that I recorded yesterday because a few people had asked about this. I know folks in the US are maybe heading home for Thanksgiving this week, and all of that can bring up a lot of stuff. Now romantic relationship boundaries, family boundaries can play out quite differently. They can look quite different. And that is for the simple reason that, for most of us, we can potentially leave a relationship, but cutting ourselves off from our family is going to feel like more of a last resort. That's going to feel really like a big call to make, and that is the right call for some people and some family dynamics.
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But for most of us, obviously, that is not what we want, to have to go no contact with family members. And so where we find the line in terms of compassion for others, boundaries for ourselves, that might look a little different, and we may need to do a little bit more negotiation, maybe a little bit more tongue biting just in the interest of self preservation. The I think the parameters can look a little different when it comes to family. So how I would approach this in a family context is assuming that these are people who you love, who love you, you want to maintain a relationship with your family, you want to enjoy family time. Try to be really generous and extend a lot of grace in terms of, again, people's intention. I think that it's really easy in a family context to revert to our original roles in the system, to, as an adult, feel like you've gone back to being a teenager or a child or both. In the course of a day or a meal, you might be transported back in time, and the triggers that existed there, the dynamics that existed there, the reactions that come up can feel like old versions of yourself and old parts of yourself that you are being brought into contact with in a way that kind of still has some charge or sting to it. So being really connected with yourself or yourself aware, and all of the tools that I've talked about many times on this show around processing triggers, pausing before you react, bringing a bit of curiosity to your own experience in terms of, like, what story am I telling myself? What am I making it mean? What intention am I imputing onto them? And how is that leading me to respond or react? Is that necessarily true? Is there a more generous interpretation that I could extend here? All of those things are going to be really resourcing and regulating for you.
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On that note, be very mindful of, you know, how full or empty your bucket is as you go into those environments. So take good care to really resource yourself, to regulate yourself, and to have a toolkit of things that you can reach for to bring yourself back into a little more regulation. So that might be going for a walk, it might be listening to some music or doing a guided meditation, maybe limiting alcohol. I think we all know that alcohol can be an accelerant or a way to amplify a lot of these dynamics. So if you know that you tend to get a little more fiery after you've had a few drinks, maybe be mindful of that, and maybe set a boundary for yourself that you're not going to snap or you're not going to go there if people have been drinking because it's just not going to end well. Right? And we part of being self caring, self responsible is not doing things that we know are going to really reliably lead to outcomes that are going to leave us feeling really shitty. So taking good care of yourself and making good decisions on that front. And maybe if there are certain triggers or things where you would usually take the bait and have a rupture, really consciously orienting to, I'm going to take myself out of this.
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So if there's a comment that's made and maybe you don't want to do the emotional labour of having some big explanatory boundary conversation, again depending on the context, if you have family who are likely to be receptive to that, then wonderful. Take someone aside and say, Hey, I know that you don't mean any harm, but can we just not talk about whatever thing this Thanksgiving or this Christmas or whatever? Like, can we just be clear of that topic? I really don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it in front of everyone. I'd really appreciate it if we could just not go there. If you can have that conversation and someone's, you know, likely to understand and be receptive, great. Do that. Advocate for yourself. Take care of yourself.
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Be proactive in setting those boundaries. If you know that your family is not gonna be receptive to that of people, maybe you've got parents that are emotionally immature, other people in your family that are just you know that's not gonna fly, then you may need to just get up and leave the room or excuse yourself or whatever if those things do come to fruition in a way that doesn't feel good rather than just sitting there and gritting your teeth and baring it or reacting and experiencing a very predictable kind of rupture. Your job is to take care of yourself. And actually doing that, while you might feel the people pleaser within you might feel like, Oh, I can't do that because it's going to be awkward or uncomfortable, or I don't want to make a scene. Resourcing yourself and doing what you need to, to take good care of yourself so that you can be present and grounded and in connection, that is actually much more loving and compassionate than just suppressing something that feels really intense within you. So knowing that about yourself, knowing that about your family. And I think one other thing that I want to say, and I said this in the training I recorded for my membership yesterday, is there can be a part of us that really wants our family to be different and to change. And families do change and evolve over time, and that can be for better or for worse.
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But I think we do have to be realistic in our expectations of how people in our family are. And again, this applies for romantic relationships as well. So you can apply the same what I'm about to say. You can apply it there. If people have shown you again and again and again who they are, how they are, what their capacity is, And you keep pushing against that and trying to get them to be different and maybe trying to earn their approval or trying to persuade them to see things from your perspective, trying to get their validation. And it always falls flat and it always feels very disappointing and exhausting, and you end up feeling, you know, worthless or hopeless or upset or hurt. I think you need to really look at the writing on the wall in those situations and go, okay, knowing what I know to be true, of course there is a part of me that wishes it was different. And having so much compassion and gentleness towards that part While also being mature and self responsible enough to go, things are the way they are and in light of that, how do I want to be? How do I want to go into that environment knowing what I know to be true about how that environment has always been and how it is likely to be this time? So having realistic expectations and going into it with eyes wide open and planning for that rather than almost having an element of denial and maybe almost naivety about what how that's likely to go, and then being disappointed, being frustrated, and being hurt as a result.
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So that's just a little word of advice if that applies to you. I'm sure you'll know if it does. Okay. I'm going to leave it there because this is getting long. But I really hope that that's been helpful. As I said, this is broad in its application. It is all of our relationships, particularly if you are of the type of person who is likely to fall into that trap of self abandonment, of making excuses for people's harmful behaviour, of giving people a 1,000,000 and one chances when they keep letting you down or keep crossing a line or keep hurting you, it really is over to you to not only set the boundary, but follow through on the boundary and take protective action for yourself. And we talk about self protection a lot, and I'm not talking about knee jerk self protection here.
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I'm talking about mature, embodied, deliberate self protection, and that is really your responsibility to yourself. And it's a huge part of the healing and growth journey is going, okay, what do I need to do to keep myself safe here? And that is what is gonna allow you to be more relaxed in relationships, to be in connection, to be mature and grounded and emotionally level, because you know that you've got that containment and that you have your own back. It's only when we have those patterns of self abandonment that we become really desperate and dependent on others to do the right thing because we don't trust ourselves to do the right thing in response to them. So sending you so much love. If you are going into any sort of challenging family environment in the coming days or weeks, I know how hard that can be. Take really great care of yourself. As I said, make sure that your bucket is full or as full as possible going into those environments that can be draining. And as I said, Black Friday sale this week, so if you want to check any of that stuff out, please do. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, anxious attachment, romantic relationships, family dynamics, compassion, boundaries, self-abandonment, understanding motives, empathy, holding onto relationships, feeling safe, emotional regulation, holiday season, family tensions, navigating relationships, maintaining relationships, triggers, relationship patterns, self-compassion, navigating family dynamics, emotional labour, setting boundaries, self-advocacy, internal feedback system, communication skills, conflict aversion, emotional maturity, personal growth, maintaining connection, dealing with triggers