#184: Understanding the Power Struggle Stage of Relationships
Most relationships move through a phase where things start to feel harder than they used to. The spark has dimmed, tension is bubbling beneath the surface, and it feels like you’re constantly clashing or misfiring. This is what’s often called the power struggle stage — and while it can be incredibly challenging, it’s also a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.
Most relationships move through a phase where things start to feel harder than they used to. The spark has dimmed, tension is bubbling beneath the surface, and it feels like you’re constantly clashing or misfiring. This is what’s often called the power struggle stage — and while it can be incredibly challenging, it’s also a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.
Navigating the Power Struggle Stage in Relationships
Most relationships, no matter how healthy or secure, will pass through a phase that feels markedly different to the romantic high of the honeymoon period. It’s called the power struggle stage—and if you’ve ever found yourself wondering what happened to the fun, ease, and excitement you once shared with your partner, chances are you’ve landed right in the thick of it.
This is the chapter where the rose-tinted glasses come off, where the traits you once found charming may now irritate you, and where cracks begin to form in the seemingly perfect connection you were so sure you’d found. It can be a confusing and painful transition—especially if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style—so let’s unpack what this stage looks like, why it happens, and how to move through it with more grace and self-trust.
What is the Power Struggle Stage?
The power struggle stage typically follows the honeymoon period, that intoxicating early phase of a relationship where everything feels light, hopeful, and full of possibility. You’re swept up in the thrill of new love. You can’t get enough of one another. There’s minimal conflict, high chemistry, and a sense of invincibility. But eventually, reality sets in.
It’s not that anything is necessarily “wrong.” Instead, what begins to emerge is a more complex picture of who each person truly is—beyond the infatuation and idealisation. You might begin to feel more friction, disappointment, or emotional distance. You may find yourself wondering if the person you're with is as perfect a fit as you once thought.
In other words, you’re no longer dating the fantasy. You’re dating a real person.
What Triggers This Stage?
The transition often occurs as expectations start to enter the picture—when we begin asserting more of ourselves in the relationship. You might finally express a need that you were brushing off early on, or you may find yourself irritated by behaviours you previously ignored.
Interestingly, the very things that initially attracted you to your partner might start to grate. Their confidence may begin to feel like arrogance. Their spontaneity now reads as flakiness. This shift can feel jarring and, if you're not prepared for it, can trigger deep-seated fears and coping strategies, especially in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
How Attachment Styles Come Into Play
If you’re anxiously attached, this shift in energy can stir a deep fear that something is wrong—often turning inward as “What did I do wrong?” You may try to return things to how they were by becoming hyper-attuned to your partner, working overtime to reconnect, or slipping into people-pleasing and self-abandonment.
If you lean more avoidant, the shift may leave you feeling pressured, inadequate, or smothered. The initial ease and admiration from your partner might have helped soothe your own fears around not being good enough—but when they begin expressing dissatisfaction or asking for more, it can trigger withdrawal and a fear of being consumed.
These opposing reactions—one partner pulling closer, the other pulling away—often create a cycle of protest, pursuit, and retreat that feels impossible to break.
Is It Just a Phase — Or a Sign to Walk Away?
This is one of the most common questions I hear: “Is this normal, or is it a sign we’re not right for each other?”
While the power struggle is a natural and even necessary part of a maturing relationship, it’s important to discern whether what you’re experiencing is growing pains — or fundamental incompatibility.
If your partner refuses to engage in conversation, continually disrespects your boundaries, or disappears entirely, that’s not just a rough patch. That’s a signal that your needs and values may not be met in the relationship.
But if you're both still engaged — if you’re just getting on each other’s nerves more, having more disagreements, or experiencing a drop in closeness — that’s a very different picture. And there’s every chance you can grow through it together, provided there’s openness, willingness, and mutual respect.
How to Navigate the Power Struggle With Awareness
Here are a few practical and mindset-based tips to help you move through this phase with more steadiness and self-awareness:
1. Manage your expectations
Shifting from idealisation to reality doesn’t mean something is broken. It means you’re relating as two whole humans, rather than projections of one another’s fantasies. This isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a part of maturation.
2. Name what’s happening
You don’t need a heavy talk about “entering the power struggle stage,” but it can be helpful to say something like, “Hey, I feel like we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves more lately. Want to talk about it?” Neutrality opens doors.
3. Practice healthy differentiation
Resist the urge to merge. Especially for anxiously attached folks, it’s important to maintain some separateness. You’re allowed to have your own life, routines, and space. In fact, doing so makes the relationship stronger, not weaker.
4. Build your conflict skills
Conflict is inevitable. The real test is how you handle it. Can you stay connected through the rupture? Can you repair? Can you both feel seen and heard? This is where real intimacy is built.
5. Be discerning, not desperate
If the relationship is showing signs of emotional unavailability, disrespect, or serious incompatibilities—trust yourself. The power struggle stage doesn’t mean you should tolerate anything and everything. Know your non-negotiables.
Final Thoughts
The power struggle stage is not the end of love — it’s the beginning of what can be a transition into mature, lasting love. The kind that makes space for two messy, wonderful humans to co-create something grounded, lasting, and meaningful. With self-awareness, communication, and mutual care, this chapter doesn’t have to break you.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you transitioned from the honeymoon stage to the power struggle stage in a past or present relationship. How did you feel during this transition, and what did you learn about yourself and your partner?
How do you typically react when you notice friction or conflict emerging in your relationships? Are there specific patterns or behaviours you fall into, and how might these be tied to your attachment style?
Consider the idea that the power struggle stage can be seen as "growing pains." How does reframing it this way change your perception of conflicts and challenges in your relationship?
Evaluate your current or past relationships regarding the level of communication during the power struggle stage. Do you tend to openly discuss issues, or do you find it difficult to voice your needs and frustrations?
Reflect on the qualities that initially attracted you to your partner. Have any of these qualities become sources of irritation or conflict? How do you perceive these traits now, and what does that say about the evolution of your relationship?
When encountering the power struggle stage, do you feel the urge to fix things immediately, or are you more inclined to withdraw? How can you balance your instinctual responses with more constructive strategies?
Consider the concept of separateness within a relationship. Do you find it challenging to maintain your individuality, especially when you're feeling anxious about the relationship? How can you prioritise both connection and personal space?
Think about the role of expectation management in relationships. How have your expectations influenced your reactions to changes and challenges within your relationship?
Reflect on the idea that conflict management is crucial for relationship longevity. How can you and your partner work together to address conflicts in a way that strengthens your bond rather than drives you apart?
Have you ever experienced a "deal breaker" scenario in a relationship related to fundamental compatibility issues, as discussed in the episode? How did you handle it, and what insights did you gain from that experience?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about the power struggle stage of a relationship, which is a stage that pretty much every relationship will go through, and it can be really challenging. It's the stage that follows the honeymoon period, and that initial period where you're so swept up in the love and the lust and the excitement and the chemistry, that fresh love feeling where you want to spend every moment of every day with your partner, and they feel the same way, and everything feels hopeful and optimistic, and you might be having these thoughts and feelings like, this person's the one, and finally I've found someone, and it feels so great.' And then it transitions into something where there's a little more friction, where you start to rub each other the wrong way, where you start to feel annoyed or upset or disappointed. The fall from grace can be really jarring. And particularly if you've got more anxious avoidant dynamics at play, it can stir up a lot of core wounds on both sides and all of the self protective strategies that accompany those core wounds. And that's where we see a lot of the really typical anxious avoidant conflict cycles starting to bubble up, and we know how hard that can be, and it can feel like you get really stuck there. So today I'm going to be talking about that and sharing some tips for navigating the power struggle stage, some things that you should expect, some ways of approaching that both strategically and from a mindset point of view, because I think it's really easy to find yourself in that kind of dynamic of panic.
[00:02:10]:
Obviously, if you're more anxious, that's the inclination is, oh no, we've gone from being really connected to feeling disconnected or things feel a bit wobbly or hard, and that stirs within you this sense of 'something's wrong, maybe I've done something wrong, maybe I need to do things differently', and going into overdrive trying to fix it and get things back to the way they were. That's a really common experience. So, I want to share some things today that will hopefully help you to feel a little more prepared and grounded if you're in a relationship that does transition into this power struggle stage. And as I said, almost all relationships will experience some version of this, so that you can feel like it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean that it's all over. It's almost just like growing pains as we find our way into something a little more steady and stable. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and I'll also share some signs that it is just those growing pains, versus some signs of maybe it's not compatible, or maybe it's something to walk away from in case you're left wondering, should I be continuing to invest in this? Now before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder about some of the free resources that I have on my website.
[00:03:22]:
I know a lot of you have been signing up for the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit over the past few weeks, which is really great because that is a wonderful resource for anyone who hasn't signed up for that yet or who's interested. You can head to my website there's a freebies page on my website that has all of the free resources listed, or it's also linked in the show notes. But the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit in particular is a really comprehensive resource. It has a video lesson about how I healed my own anxious attachment, there's a workbook, and there's also a guided meditation which is self soothing affirmations for anxious attachment. In addition to that, I have a free master class on anxious avoidant relationships, where anxious avoidant couples go wrong, and how to fix it. Again, that's a really comprehensive resource if you're in this kind of dynamic and what we talk about today, if that resonates with you, that might be one to check out because it's going to help you see the pattern in a more neutral way so that you can identify 'what's my part in this dance', 'where am I contributing to maybe the unhealthy or dysfunctional patterns that we find ourselves stuck in', and what should I be focusing on to start cleaning up my side of the street so that we can start to shift out of some of these patterns. As you know, if you're familiar with my work, I am an optimist when it comes to these dynamics. I don't think it's doomed.
[00:04:36]:
I don't think that you should just give up and throw in the towel and go and find a secure partner. You're welcome to try and do that, but I do think that there's hope provided that certain conditions are met and both people have a base level of willingness and open heartedness. Okay, so let's talk about the power struggle stage of a relationship. Now, as I said in the introduction, this typically follows the honeymoon period, and I know that people will always ask, what time period are we talking about? Are we talking about after a month, or a year? And to be honest, it's a little nebulous. I think it depends a lot on the circumstances and the pace at which your relationship has progressed. So for some people, they might stay in a honeymoon period for a year or two years even. I mean, I think two years would be a long time to be in the honeymoon period. For others it might be a month.
[00:05:23]:
And the reason for that is, it's much less about a period of time and more about the backdrop to the relationship. And I think that when we're in the honeymoon period, it's usually characterized by lots of excitement and optimism and time spent together, but with relatively low pressure and expectation. And I think when we're in that honeymoon period, we probably haven't really voiced many needs. We maybe haven't gone through hard things together. We're really on cloud nine, and it all just feels light and fun and connected and exciting. And so the power struggle stage tends to arise and we tend to find ourselves transitioning into it when maybe we start to have more expectations of a partner, maybe we start to assert more of ourselves, maybe we start to be a little more honest about our needs or our preferences. Again, in that honeymoon period, we tend to be really like, 'go with the flow', and we give someone the benefit of the doubt, and we don't want to be too serious, So we kind of park all of that stuff, whereas in the power struggle stage, we start to occupy a little more space, and we do have more expectations of a partner. And so what we might have originally brushed off or not been bothered by, we start to think we're in a proper relationship now and we should be able to talk about this, or I should be able to tell you that thing annoyed me, or when you showed up ten minutes late, actually I'm not okay with that, whereas at the start you might have been a little bit more flexible or easy breezy or whatever because you didn't want to be too serious or bring down the vibe.
[00:07:02]:
And so all of these things start to come up in the power struggle stage. Another really common signifier that you're in this stage is that things that you originally were attracted to start to grate on you, or you start to find annoying. And that can be because often at the very start of a relationship, whether we realize it or not, we're drawn to traits and qualities in someone that are very different to us, that are the opposite of us. So you might be really drawn to someone's exuberance or confidence, and that might be really intriguing to you, and you find yourself quite magnetized towards that quality. But as you transition into the power struggle stage, what you originally interpreted and perceived as confidence, you might start to read that as arrogance, and it might really trigger you. Similarly, you might be really drawn to someone's free spirited nature at the start, and you think that's just so amazing that they're so free spirited. But in the power struggle stage, you start to see that free spiritedness as flaky and unreliable, right? And oftentimes it's because they are different to you, so you might be drawn to the free spiritedness of someone from a place of being quite rigid yourself. And so that feels like, Wow, look at this creature who's so different to me.
[00:08:21]:
But then when you're in the power struggle stage and the veneer has worn off a little, you're like, oh, this person's so different to me. And I'm starting to see that I do have to compromise on those things and that can bring up some friction and some irritation. So those are some of the signs that you might be venturing into this power struggle territory that you're starting to have little conflicts, you're starting to get annoyed with each other, you may be communicating less, there's maybe less physical affection, maybe less sexual intimacy, that can be a really big one. That, you know, if you can't keep your hands off each other at the start, and you have this really passionate sex life, and then it starts to give way to something that feels a little less steamy and a little more routine. All of these can be signs that you're in that power struggle stage. Now, as you're listening to this, you might be nodding in recognition, knowing that you've been in that power struggle experience before. Maybe you're in it right now. And I think what makes this all the more challenging is if you are coming from anxious avoidant attachment dynamics, you would know, particularly on the anxious attachment side, that anything that feels like less connection, less closeness, less warmth, less fun, less affection, right, like anything that feels like a step down is going to be super triggering, because it's going to bring you into contact with your abandonment fears, your fear of rejection, your unworthiness, this sense of, they liked me, and now they like me less, so what have I done? Why are they annoyed at me? Why are we fighting? How do I get back to where we were?' And I think when you don't have the context for this, you don't know that the power struggle stage is actually completely normal, it's really easy to internalize everything that's going on, take it very personally, feel very hurt, very confused, very rejected.
[00:10:13]:
And that can then trigger all of your behaviors. Things like testing and maybe sulking or really shrinking and trying to occupy less space. Do whatever you can tiptoe around it because you you are taking on this sense of having done something wrong, that you start shape shifting and just, like, trying to be whatever you need to be in order to get things back to where they were. Because that tends not to happen, we don't tend to go back into the honeymoon period from the power struggle stage, relationships move forward, they evolve, they mature, you feel this sense of failure and wrongness, like, why isn't it working? I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. And so that tends to really fuel your anxious loops, and that cycle of shame that you can get stuck in, where the core belief that's like, I must be doing something wrong, people always leave me, this always happens, I can feel it, they're pulling away. That then triggers all of your behaviors that can actually bring to fruition the thing you fear most. Right? The pushing and the clinging and the anxious bids for reassurance all the time can trigger them into further withdrawal or further feeling unsure about the relationship, particularly if they're coming from the more avoidant side. And let's talk about that.
[00:11:32]:
So the avoidant side, for you in the power struggle stage as an anxious person, you're being brought into contact with those fears around, 'They're going to leave me, they don't like me anymore, maybe I revealed too much of myself and they didn't like what they saw.' For the avoidant person, remembering that their stuff, their core wounds, are around feeling inadequate, feeling like a disappointment, really wanting to be seen as good and successful, but feeling like people always want more from me than I can give them. I always end up disappointing people. And then the whole set of fears around feeling smothered, feeling controlled, or loss of self. And so, while at the beginning of a relationship, someone with more avoidant patterns isn't really triggered in those ways, because it is, you know, light and fun and connected, and their partner tends to think the world of them and they can do no wrong. Anxious partners tend to really put avoidant partners on a pedestal at the start, and vice versa I would say. But certainly, for an anxious partner who just thinks that the avoidant person they're dating is so amazing and is so infatuated, that feels so good for someone with avoidant attachment who does have these fears around being unsuccessful, being a disappointment, being inadequate or a failure. And so when the anxious partner starts to come up with more things of, like, you know, you you've let me down, or I'm not satisfied, or you're not meeting my needs, or all of a sudden starting to assert more of these things that they might have been letting slide to begin with, that can really hurt for the avoidant partner. They can start to go, you know, what changed here? You were happy with me and now you're upset with me all the time.' And that can really trigger their patterns of deactivation and withdrawal.
[00:13:24]:
Once the anxious partner responds to that with all of the behaviors I was just talking about, all of those activating strategies of, I have to try and reverse this, or get closer, or see what's going on, get reassurance, then that tends to trigger the avoidant partner's fear of engulfment, of being smothered, of being controlled, and that contributes to this overall impression for the avoidant partner of 'things were good, and now they're too hard', or this is feeling not good anymore'. Particularly if the avoidant person in this example is maybe lacking a little in self awareness, it's really easy for them to convince themselves that maybe this just isn't the right person. And then that can lead them into all of their withdrawal, pulling away, and potentially even leaving the relationship. So that is one of the real challenges of an anxious avoidant dynamic in this power struggle stage, is it serves up on a platter all of your stuff on both sides, and it can be really triggering. And so if it's not handled with a level of awareness and strategy, I would say. Not in the sense of game playing, but more in terms of knowing yourself and dealing with it in an informed way. It's really easy to just follow those cycles into a place of either the relationship dissolving because the anxious partner ramps up, the avoidant partner pulls away, and ultimately isn't invested enough to stick around, and so pulls the pin and walks away. The anxious person is left feeling abandoned and rejected and confused about what they did wrong.
[00:14:58]:
Or you stay in it, but you keep swirling around, and this power struggle stage, while it's certainly possible to then transition into something more steady and stable, a lot of people stay in some version of the power struggle for months and years. Some people will have a whole lifetime, a marriage of thirty years, that is just the power struggle stage. So depending on the nature of the people involved, some people will stay in it, others will pull the pin and it will unravel. So, let's talk about some strategies for actually getting through the power struggle stage to the other side, how to approach it in the best way possible. So, one of the most important things, and it sounds very simple, but I promise it can make a world of difference, is managing your expectations. Because I think so much of what triggers that cycle, and that spiral, particularly on the anxious side, and to an extent on the avoidant side as well, is thinking, because I'm feeling this way, something must be very wrong. Because all of a sudden things have shifted, that means something, that's a sign that there's something wrong with me or them or the relationship. And so I think if we're going into it being like, oh, this is a normal part of the maturation process of a relationship, it makes sense that the infatuation and the idealization has given way to something where I'm actually seeing my partner as a messy human being, and they have traits that I really like and traits that kind of grate on me, and that is fine, and they're going to see me in the same way, and I'm allowed to be a flawed person, as are they.
[00:16:29]:
Having that actually realistic expectation around what it means to be in a relationship with a whole person, where you're both bringing your stuff to the table, that can, in and of itself, that small shift in mindset and expectation can really change your internal environment in terms of how you relate to that transition and the fact that you're in that. If you think it's just a normal part of the process of being in a relationship, then it's unlikely to provoke the same stress response in you that sets off the cascade. So realizing this is not in and of itself some big emergency, something that I need to try and reverse engineer or undo or backpedal around, this is a normal part of growth. And these are growing pains and things that we can work through rather than things that we need to urgently get rid of, because that sense of urgency and emergency is what can really make things a lot worse and actually entrench you in those dysfunctional patterns. Now, I think another really helpful thing to do can be to name it, and not from a place of, we need to sit down and have a really serious conversation about the fact that we have now entered the power struggles stage, right? But what you can do is just say, Hey, I feel like we're getting on each other's nerves a bit at the moment. Do you want to talk about it? I think you can just be open without being really heavy or accusatory or blaming, and you certainly don't need to be defensive. Again, I think when we're internalizing a shift as being our fault and something we've done wrong, we're naturally more prone to defensiveness because we want to push away the idea that we've done something wrong. So I think if we can just be somewhat neutral about it, then that's going to stand us in really good stead to have a conversation where we can actually go, like, okay, if there are things that feel sticky and that we're maybe not resolving in a very constructive way.
[00:18:28]:
Let's talk about that. Let's find a solution. You seem to be getting a bit annoyed at me for x y z things, and I'm feeling a little frustrated with you when this happens. Like, why don't we just find a path forward that works for both of us so that we can both be feeling good? I think that's a really, really positive way of framing it and actually allows you to grow through the experience as a couple and gives you the opportunity to work through conflict, which is such an essential relationship skill, and actually is going to make you so much stronger than if you just never had the conflict and you stayed in honeymoon land forever, because that's not real life. And I always say to people, it's not about avoiding conflict, it's 'who are you going to do conflict with well?' that's a much better litmus test for whether a relationship is going to go the distance. It's do we band together when things get hard, or does conflict drive us apart? So, see this as training ground, right? As an opportunity for you to deepen in your understanding of one another, your understanding of yourself and your own patterns, and what it means to compromise in a healthy way that isn't self abandonment, that isn't rigidity, that's actually finding a balanced path forward that feels good for both people and being able to talk about that in a healthy way. I think another thing to be mindful of, and again, this is probably speaking more to the anxious attaches, is it's okay to have a bit more separateness as you transition into this power struggle stage, because your preference is likely to be as much contact and connection and closeness as humanly possible, and sometimes in the honeymoon period your partner will meet you in that desire, and so you'll be texting all day every day, and you'll be seeing each other every night or four times a week or whatever. You'll be having sleepovers and long mornings in bed or whatever, and then they start to pull away and that starts to feel like too much, and you go, like, but you wanted that as well, and now you're saying it's too much, and that can feel a bit confusing, and maybe there's been a bait and switch.
[00:20:37]:
Just recognize that level of intensity is probably unsustainable. So it's not like you've done something wrong, it's not like they've been misleading in a deliberate way, it's just that starting at 100% intensity and maintaining 100% intensity for an entire relationship is not really going to happen. Right? And so I think that again, it's about calibrating our expectations to something that's, 'If this is going to last the distance, I can survive with not texting them all day every day while I'm at work and they're at work, and not feeling like there's some sudden void from that change in pace and change of intensity. And this is why I really emphasize so much that from the outset, if you can, try to go at a reasonable pace. Right? Don't go to a hundred and then be really upset and confused when things pull back a little because they just will because it's not sustainable. Try and hold on to your routines, try and maintain catching up with other people, not just clearing the calendar to be completely available to them all the time, and then feeling hurt and rejected. Still be your own person, and I think the power struggle stage is a really good time to actually practice that because your instinct is probably going to be, 'as soon as things feel hard, I'm going to go even more all in on trying to fix the relationship, and being preoccupied with the relationship, thinking about it all the time, wanting to be available at all hours for my partner in case they want to hang out with me. All of those things are expressions of your anxiety, and they're also going to exacerbate your anxiety.
[00:22:13]:
Trying to remain differentiated in that period is going to ultimately provide a more solid foundation for your relationship that will allow you to come to those conversations that you might be having from a more grounded, self assured place, self confident place, and also to feel like my whole world isn't going to come crashing down if this relationship ends, because there's more going on in my world than just this relationship. And that's really good advice always for anxiously attached people. And the last thing that I said that I would talk about is, well, how do I know if, you know, it's actually just incompatibility that has been revealed, if it's actually better to just pull the pin and cut my losses and walk away because all of a sudden things are not feeling good. And that's always a possibility, right? I don't want to tell you that every relationship issue should be worked through, and that every couple is destined to be together. Of course, that isn't the case. So I think ultimately it's going to be subjective, and only you can make that call I know that's not what you want to hear. But things that I would look for: if someone is completely unwilling to talk about anything, that's going to be hard to work with. Obviously, if only one person is open to even having conversations about things that might not be feeling good, it's really hard to build something with someone who is a bit of a brick wall and who's shutting you out altogether.
[00:23:30]:
If someone is cutting communication with you, if someone's just disappearing all of a sudden, you've gone from spending all this time together to essentially being ghosted, That is not, to me, something that I'd be encouraging you to necessarily continue to pour more investment into. You know, what I'm really talking about in this power struggle stage is, like, we're both still in this, but things are feeling harder, things are feeling more challenging, there is friction, there is tension where previously there wasn't, and that is triggering for you. If someone's just, like, really behaving badly in a way that feels disrespectful and wildly inconsistent, unreliable, and you're left completely in the dark, that's not really what I'm talking about here. And that's where I would really encourage you to get clear on, what are my deal breakers? What are my non negotiables? What am I available for in a relationship?' And if it's falling way short of those that you've set for yourself, which I hope that you have set for yourself, then feel free to just say this isn't for me', rather than trying to problem solve and workshop with someone who's just not treating you well. And the other thing I'll say is, if it is revealed in time that you have structural incompatibilities around things like one of you wants kids the other doesn't, one of you wants to get married the other doesn't, you want to live in separate places, all of those sorts of things that are kind of binary, As I've said many times before, those are deal breakers. And it's okay for them to be deal breakers if they are deal breakers for you. Right? Back yourself in wanting what you want for your life, and even if you're really attached to someone, if they have a fundamentally different vision for their life, and you're both clear on that, and it is black and white, then I think the earlier you can disentangle yourself and detach from that, the better. Because otherwise you're going to be causing yourself some heartbreak down the line if it's ultimately a dead end relationship.
[00:25:21]:
Okay. I'm going to leave it there. I really hope that it's been helpful. I hope that it's given you a bit of relief if you are in this phase at the moment and you're wondering what the hell is going on, what have I done? Hopefully you can feel comforted by the fact that it is not just you. It's really really common, it's almost a rite of passage for couples, but there are certainly things that you can do and not do that will help you to move through that phase in a way that feels like a growing together rather than just spinning around in dysfunction and chaos and painful conflict cycles which never end and which leave you both feeling much worse off. So hope that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed today's episode, I really would be so grateful if you would leave a rating or a review if you're watching on YouTube. Leave a comment there, let me know. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:26:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Power struggle stage, Honeymoon period, Relationship dynamics, Anxious avoidant, Core wounds, Insecurity, Conflict cycles, Growing pains, Disconnected feelings, Anxious attachment, Avoidant attachment, Relationship change, Expectations in relationships, Communication in relationships, Emotional triggers, Relationship maturity, Attachment patterns, Conflict resolution, Self-awareness, Relationship compatibility, Relationship investment, Intimacy changes, Attachment strategy, Differentiation in relationships, Emotional grounding, Relationship intensity, Conflict skills, Deal breakers, Emotional reassurance, Partner expectations
#183: How to Be a Better Partner
When we think about improving our relationships, we’re often focused on what isn’t working — what our partner could do differently, how we’re not getting our needs met, where communication is breaking down.
When we think about improving our relationships, we’re often focused on what isn’t working — what our partner could do differently, how we’re not getting our needs met, where communication is breaking down.
But in this episode, I want to invite a slightly different lens: what does it mean to be a better partner? Not from a place of self-sacrifice or perfectionism, but from a grounded, secure place. One that’s rooted in love, compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to show up with care.
In this episode, we explore:
Why our capacity to sit with discomfort can shape the tone of our relationships
What it really means to listen with curiosity, rather than defensiveness
How our own insecurities can make us self-focused without realising it
The importance of meaningful repair after conflict
The difference between blame and honest self-reflection
Why it matters to love your partner the way they receive love—not just how you like to give it
These aren’t tips to make yourself more palatable or easygoing. They’re invitations to grow, to connect more deeply, and to take ownership of your part in creating a secure and nourishing relational space.
Free Masterclass: Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
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How to Be a Better Partner
Being a better partner might sound like a simple goal, but in practice, it’s often one we overlook. We might spend time working on ourselves individually, or reflecting on what we’d like our partner to do differently. But how often do we pause to consider the kind of partner we are? How we show up? And how our behaviours, habits, and responses shape the relational environment we’re co-creating?
This post is an invitation to bring that question into focus—not from a place of guilt or self-blame, but from a grounded, secure desire to love well. Here are six practical and powerful ways to be a better partner in your relationship.
Learn to Sit with Discomfort
Discomfort is inevitable in relationships. Whether it's the vulnerability of being misunderstood, unmet needs, or the sting of conflict, none of us are immune. But how we respond to discomfort matters.
Anxiously attached folks tend to move quickly to “fix” things, driven by urgency and fear of disconnection. Avoidant partners, on the other hand, may retreat or shut down to escape the overwhelm. Both are strategies to avoid sitting with what’s hard.
Becoming a better partner starts with learning to hold discomfort with care and patience—allowing space for grounded responses rather than reactive ones. This creates room for mutual growth, deeper understanding, and lasting intimacy.
Listen to Understand, Not to Defend
Listening is a relationship superpower—but only when it’s done with genuine curiosity. So often, we’re not truly listening; we’re preparing our rebuttal, trying to persuade, or even defending our good intentions (especially common for anxious attachers).
True listening means entering a conversation with the intent to understand the other person’s world, not to prove a point. It means honouring their experience as valid—even if it differs wildly from your own.
When both people feel seen and heard, conflict softens and connection deepens. Try replacing “but I didn’t mean it like that” with “I can see how that landed for you.” It’s a game-changer.
Stop Making Everything About You
When we’re feeling hurt, scared, or insecure, our focus naturally narrows—we become the centre of our own universe. This isn’t a flaw; it’s human. But if we want to be better partners, we need to actively shift that focus.
Remember: there’s a whole other person in the relationship, complete with their own fears, desires, wounds, and inner world. Making space for their experience—not just our own—helps us respond with compassion, rather than defensiveness or control.
Even anxious over-functioning ("I do everything for them!") often has a hidden self-interested motive: the hope that we’ll be chosen, loved, or needed in return. Taking a step back and asking, “What might they be experiencing right now?” opens the door to deeper empathy and mutual care.
Prioritise Meaningful Repair After Conflict
Conflict is inevitable, especially in intimate relationships. But the goal isn’t to avoid it—it’s to get better at repairing it.
So often, we withhold apologies, vulnerability, or accountability because we don’t want to “give in” first. Or we fold too quickly (hello, anxious attachers), not from genuine understanding, but from emotional exhaustion and a longing for things to feel okay again.
True repair means being willing to look at how you contributed to the rupture, take ownership for your part, and move back into connection with an open heart. Not because it’s your “fault,” but because reconnection matters.
Couples who master the art of repair are more likely to experience trust, safety, and long-term satisfaction. It’s worth the effort.
Look Honestly at Your Patterns
Blame is easy. Self-blame is also easy (and often confused with accountability). But honest, compassionate self-reflection? That’s where the magic happens.
Ask yourself: What patterns keep repeating in my relationships? What tends to trigger me, and how do I respond? What impact do my reactions have on my partner?
Looking at your side of the street—without shame or self-judgment—isn’t just helpful for your growth. It models a powerful kind of emotional maturity that creates more secure, grounded partnerships.
Love Your Partner the Way They Want to Be Loved
We all have different ways of feeling loved. But so often, we default to expressing love in the way that we would like to receive it.
To be a better partner, we need to be curious: “What makes you feel most loved by me?” It might surprise you. The things you’re doing with the best of intentions might not be landing—and with small shifts, you can make your love more resonant and effective.
Whether or not you’re familiar with love languages, the principle is simple: love is most powerful when it’s attuned. Ask the questions. Listen to the answers. And be willing to adjust.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your habits in dealing with discomfort in your relationships. Do you notice a tendency to either flee from discomfort or to urgently try to resolve it? How might sitting with discomfort transform your interactions with your partner?
When having conversations with your partner, do you listen with the intent to understand or find yourself preparing a defence while they’re talking? How can genuine curiosity improve your communication dynamics?
Consider the times when disagreements arise. Are you often focused on being "right," or can you acknowledge the validity of your partner's perspective even if it differs from yours? How does this shape the quality of your connection?
How do you typically approach repair after a conflict? Do you find yourself holding back due to pride, or are you willing to take the first step towards reconciliation? How might improving in this area contribute to the health of your relationship?
Reflect on the patterns you have noticed in past or current relationships. Are you able to identify your contributions to recurring issues? How willing are you to take responsibility for these patterns and work on them constructively?
How do you express love and care towards your partner? Are these expressions based on your own love language, or have you considered how your partner most feels loved? What small changes can you make to align more with their needs?
When reflecting on a recent disagreement with your partner, can you identify any assumptions you made about their motives or feelings? How might these assumptions have coloured the interaction, and what could you do differently next time?
If you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic, have you explored both your own tendencies and those of your partner? What strategies can you implement to address these patterns and foster a more secure connection?
How do you perceive the role of your own self-awareness in the context of improving your relationship? What steps could you take to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner?
Thinking about your desires to improve as a partner, what actions are you willing to take immediately to show up as a more loving and supportive partner? Which of the discussed tips resonates most with you, and why?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, I'm gonna be sharing some tips on how you can be a better partner, which I think sounds kind of obvious, but oftentimes is something that we overlook. We're maybe working on ourselves as an individual, or maybe we're focused on the things that we would like our partner to do differently. We're focusing on things like needs and boundaries and communication and conflict. But maybe we're not so focused on or grounded in, like, how am I showing up in my capacity as a partner? And what is my contribution to the relational environment that we are co creating here? And what might it look like to really focus on how I'm showing up and how I could be a better partner? How I could be a more loving, compassionate, kind, supportive partner? Not to the detriment of ourselves, not in a way that's veering into codependent territory, but from a really secure place of just like, how can I show up as the most loving partner that I can be? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on this. This This was inspired by an Instagram post that I put up last week that went a bit viral, so obviously it's a topic that is resonating with people and that really landed for people, so I thought it might be useful to unpack in a little more depth and nuance here, obviously, than I can do in an Instagram post. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, how you can be a better partner.
[00:01:57]:
I'm gonna be sharing six tips. Before we dive into that, couple of quick announcements. The first just being, if you listened to last week, you would have heard me mention that I'm going to be running an event in London in September. And if you are based in or around London or maybe in Europe and you wanna travel to London, I would love for you to jump on a wait list. I'm still fleshing out the details, but we've already got a lot of interest. And having a sense of how many people are interested will help me in figuring out what the event looks like. So if you are at all interested in coming to an event in London in early September, please do join the wait list. The link is in the show notes under this episode.
[00:02:34]:
Or if you wanna just come find me on Instagram and send me a DM there, a few people have been doing that as well, and I can send you the link that way. Second quick announcement is sort of in keeping with the theme of today's episode. I am so terrible at sharing about this resource. I feel like that's true of a lot of free resources that I have on my website that I forget to tell people about. I have a free masterclass on my website all about anxious avoidant relationships and how you can start to shift some of those patterns. Highly recommend that you check it out if what we're talking about today resonates and you feel like you're in a bit of a sticky place and you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic that feels kind of insurmountable or you've just been in the same cycles again and again. It's a really helpful class. I think it's about an hour long from memory, and it'll just kind of shine a light on where your work is as an individual.
[00:03:21]:
So if you're more anxious, as most people listening to this will be, where you might misstep or go wrong or be focusing your energy and attention where it's not really leading to what you're hoping for, and what you can do instead, and also true for avoidant people, so it addresses both sides of that dynamic. Definitely check that out. I'll put the link in the show notes as well, or you can just head to the freebies page on my website. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around how to be a better partner. So the first one is learn to sit with discomfort. So I think that unfortunately in our modern culture, for a whole host of reasons, we have a pretty strong aversion to discomfort and we have almost an entitlement to getting what we want when we want it. I think everything about our culture promulgates that kind of view and expectation.
[00:04:13]:
And so when we're faced with discomfort or dissatisfaction, depending on your attachment style, your attachment blueprint, your instinct is probably to either run from that discomfort, as in the case of avoidant attachment, just get as far away from the discomfort as I can, or if you're more anxious, your inclination is probably to try and solve the discomfort, make the discomfort go away very urgently. But both ends of the spectrum, not very good at sitting with the discomfort, tolerating the discomfort, working through the discomfort in a way that is actually constructive. And so, I think this contributes on both sides to unhealthy or unhelpful patterns in our relationship. And really, if you want to be a better partner, a big part of that is going to be learning to pause, to not try and urgently fix something if you're more anxious. Learning to tolerate discomfort and to hold yourself through that so that you can actually find resolutions to problems that are not driven by insecurity or urgency or panic or fear. That's going to stand you in really good stead, and it's going to allow you to show up in a more grounded way. And in so doing, that's really going to make you a much better partner and a much easier partner to be with and to deal with than someone who is either rushing to solve any and every source of discomfort or potential source of discomfort, or at the other end of the spectrum, as I said, someone who's just getting as far away as they can from any and every source of discomfort. Okay.
[00:05:48]:
The next tip on how to be a better partner is listen to understand, not to defend or persuade or manipulate or seek the approval or agreement of. Listen to understand. In other words, show up to your relationship with genuine curiosity. Right? And I emphasize the genuine because, I mean, knowing that I can be really guilty of this, oftentimes, even if you are someone who is a good listener in the sense of you can patiently listen to what someone's saying and you can respond thoughtfully, sometimes we still do that with an agenda. And we do that as someone's talking. We're already thinking about the response that we're going to come back with, formulating that in a way that bolsters our viewpoint, or dismantles their argument, or tries to persuade them that actually they're misunderstood or they've misinterpreted something. All of those can be subtle ways that we defend our rightness, and in so doing, invalidate someone else's experience or perspective. Right? Even if we're wrapping it up in a bow and being really pleasant about it, saying, again, I'm so guilty of this.
[00:07:01]:
Right? I think oftentimes we associate defensiveness with something a little more abrasive and dismissive, but anxiously attached people can be super defensive. It just tends to be more appeasing and almost like a fawning response. I was just trying to help. Like, these sorts of things. We don't think of that necessarily as defensive, but that is invalidating as well. Right? So if you want to be a better partner, a really good thing to focus on is bringing genuine curiosity and listening to understand, and with the starting assumption that the other person's experience is as real and valid as the experience that you were having that could be completely different to their experience, and oftentimes will be completely different to their experience. Right? So many of us are so grounded, whether we realize it or not, in this framework of one of us has to be right, or more right. And so most of our conversations end up being us trading our recounting or analysis or judgments of one another with a view to trying to convert the other person to our point of view so that we feel like we've won, or come out on top, or gotten our way.
[00:08:09]:
And I don't know if you've noticed, but that tends to be really ineffective at getting us what we really want, which is a sense of being understood and connected to the other person, feeling like we both win out of the dynamic. It sounds a little cheesy, but it's so true, right? When we're trying to win, we actually don't win because one of us ends up feeling unseen and misunderstood and defeated. And if one person in the relationship is feeling defeated, that's not a great outcome. So listen to try and understand really genuinely with curiosity, with a starting assumption that their experience is real and valid, even if it's not what you intended or it's completely different to your perception of a situation. Don't just pretend to be listening, but then come in with whatever your persuasive, masterful techniques at telling them all the ways in which they're mistaken and your perception was right. Okay? Easier said than done, but a really important relationship skill and a great way to be a better partner. Okay. That one feeds nicely into the next one, which is stop making everything about you.
[00:09:15]:
Okay? There is a whole other person on the other side of your relationship with all of their own thoughts, fears, insecurities, desires, needs, limits, boundaries, all of these things, right? Everything that you know about yourself. Think about everything you've ever experienced, and every thought you've ever had, and every fear that you harbor, and every secret that you might be holding. There's another person that has all of that depth and richness and history and nuance and layers. And oftentimes, I think we forget that, and we make it all about us. Right? We assume that we kind of fully understand them, and we've got them all figured out, and we're the one with the complexity and the richness, and we just need them to more or less capitulate to what we want because we think that what we want is right. Again, going back to the previous one of we all have this very natural bias in favor of our way of doing things, seeing things, our value system. There's just this sense of, yeah, but my way is better. Right? My way is more valid than your way.
[00:10:24]:
But the sooner that you can realize that bias, notice where it shows up, and recognize that it isn't all about you, and there is a whole other person, and their way is just as right as your way to the extent that we're even using that language. But really, I encourage you to get rid of that language altogether and actually just recognize here we are, two completely messy human people coming to a relationship and trying to figure it out together. And you've got all of that going on for you as well. And I've talked before about how when we feel stressed or insecure in our relationships, we are naturally selfish. Right? All of us. This is not a character defect. This is not throwing shade at any individual. We are all selfish when we're under stress or conditions of insecurity.
[00:11:19]:
Even if your stress comes out as selflessness, so to speak, again, I'm talking to the anxious attaches, like, we can often say, I'm not selfish. I do everything for them. I only take care of their needs. I don't even think about my own needs, and I settle for so much less than I deserve. Blah blah blah. How could I be selfish? But I think we know deep down that we're doing that to get something. Right? We're doing that so that someone chooses us or loves us or needs us. It's got a self interested motive underneath it.
[00:11:50]:
And so recognizing that stress does make us selfish and that our perception of a situation is always influenced by our own experience and history, and that the same is true for the other person. And so if we can stop putting ourselves at the center of everything and defaulting to that very self centered place, self centered perception of what's going on, consciously reorient outside of that and take a walk around to their perspective and go, what might it look like from over here? How might they be experiencing me? Even again, if that's not what I'm intending. I think that can be an incredibly powerful thing to do for your relationship and certainly will allow you to show up as a better partner. Okay. The next one is practice and get really good at meaningful repair after conflict. So as I've spoken about so many times before, healthy relationships are not about zero conflict. Conflict, I think, is a part of it. Building on what we've just been talking about, when you get two people with all of that stuff that they're bringing to a relationship, all of those fears and wounds and past experiences, like, conflict is inevitable.
[00:13:02]:
So in light of that, what we really wanna do is get really well practiced in the art of meaningful repair. And that looks like understanding where we went wrong, understanding how we might have been received, taking responsibility for where we didn't show up in a way that we're proud of, not withholding all of those things. I think so often what we can do is be like, why should I be the one to lead the repair? Why should I have to take responsibility? Why should I be the one to apologize when they're the one who did blah blah blah? The reality is you don't have to do any of those things, but if you want to experience meaningful repair, and if you want to come back into connection, then that's how you're going to do it. So think of it as a choice that you have, but really, like, you're cutting off your nose despite your face if you're withholding all of those things so that you can be right, so that you can create a sense of fairness even though it doesn't feel good. I think really learning to come back into an open hearted place and recognize that, like, when we're both turned away from each other and holding all of this hurt and anger and bitterness and disconnection, like, it's toxic, it's poison for us both. And we're sitting in pain with our backs turned to each other. There's nothing good about this. So who am I serving by withholding that open hearted vulnerability? And it is vulnerable, right? Taking the first step, extending the olive branch.
[00:14:34]:
Not from a place of, like, just trying to appease or get through the other side of conflict. I think, again, anxiously attached people can do that. We can just kind of fold or crumble a bit because the conflict wears us down so much, and we get to a point where we can't really remember, like, why was I so angry? Now I just feel sad and lonely, and I want us to not be fighting anymore. But usually when we come to a repair from that place, and there's this, like, energy of desperation, or, like, I'm just worn down and I want everything to be fine again, often we don't go deep enough into what happened here in a way that allows us to meaningfully repair. And I think as a side note to that, often what'll happen in anxious avoidant relationships is we spin around in these conversations for hours and hours, and we do both get worn down. The avoidant partner tends to just feel like, this is so ineffective. We're going around in circles. I've said the things you want me to say.
[00:15:34]:
I don't know why you're still upset with me. I don't know what I can give you. Can we just stop this? And of course, that feels really dismissive and invalidating to the anxious partner who probably doesn't even know what they want or need, but they just know that they're not getting it, and the whole thing is just so tiring and upsetting for both people and can really lead to this sense of feeling like totally defeated and demoralized. So the more you can practice, what does it actually mean to attune to each other and to validate each other and to connect after there's been a rupture in a way that we both feel like we've come back to a place of emotional safety and trust. That is really essentially important, and there's been so much research done that speaks to the fact that couples who can repair after conflict are the ones who really last the distance and experience relationship satisfaction. So get really good at that. It will make all the difference in your relationships. Okay.
[00:16:29]:
The next one is be willing to look at your patterns really honestly. Okay. Blaming the other person is much easier than taking responsibility for yourself. And actually, I would say blaming the other person or blaming yourself is easier than looking honestly, because I don't think that blaming ourselves is the same as looking honestly at our patterns. I think blame tends to lead to shame, and it's probably preceded by shame and it leads to more shame. And so when we're blaming ourselves, we're just saying, there's something wrong with me, or we're blaming them, or we're saying, there's something wrong with them and they just need to change. Neither of those approaches actually engages with reality, and because of that, it misses the opportunity for meaningful growth, and we can't really learn the lessons. It's like we've got these goggles on and they're distorting our reality, and we need to take them off altogether and go, what's really happening here? If I could step outside of my experience and be a third party observer to this, what's really happening? And it's only when we can look honestly at how does my stuff show up? What's my contribution to the dynamic? What is it about these things that trigger me, that bring me into contact with unhealed stuff? How am I responding in a way that is maybe counterproductive or making things worse? I think that the more insecure we are, the less likely we are to engage meaningfully with all of that stuff because there is so much shame and stress in the system that we do just want to reach for they're the problem or I'm the problem or it's also hopeless and, like, none of that is actually going to help.
[00:18:07]:
And so, we can take a bit of the charge out of it and just looking honestly, what's going on here, and what needs to shift? My couples course Secure Together, the first module, an exercise that we take people through, I teach the course with Joel, my partner. One of the first exercises people do is a relationship audit and looking at like where do we fall down? What is our cycle? What do we each contribute to that? What are the conditions that tend to precede something like that happening? So, our fights usually happen when we're both really stressed or we haven't spent quality time together, and it usually is set off by this happening, and then I respond like this, and then you do that, and then we spiral. So getting really clear and looking quite objectively at, like, how does it usually go, and what's my part in that, that is so, so valuable for your relationship, so much more so than just highly emotionally clouded blaming and shaming. So be willing to look honestly at your patterns and your contribution. That's going to make you a much better partner and it's really going to serve your relationship. Okay. And the last one is love your partner the way they want and need to be loved. We've all got our own ways of being loved, our own ideas and expectations around what is loving and what that means and what that looks like.
[00:19:29]:
And it's an area where it's so easy to project our own preferences onto someone else and in lots of unspoken ways, just do the thing that we would experience as loving that might not actually land for them, and it can even land as unloving, or controlling, or smothering, whatever. And so get curious. What feels loving to you? How could I love you better? When do you feel most loved and cared for by me? And when do you feel maybe not so loved and cared for by me? Be willing to go in with an open mind and actually shift so that your efforts aren't wasted, because I think so often we can feel a bit disheartened when we think we're being really loving and it's not landing, and then we feel like, well, I'm putting in so much effort, and you don't even feel loved, so what more can I give? That can often be a thing for avoidant people. It's, I'm trying and it's not working, so I give up. And oftentimes, it's not that you're not trying hard enough. You're maybe just putting your effort in the wrong place. So getting really curious, like, what does it take for you to feel loved? And how can I make even tiny shifts in the direction of being more loving towards you, not in the way that I like to be loved, but in the way that you like to be loved? This is that whole body of work around love languages. But even taken out of that framework, just really asking, like, when do you feel most loved by me? And how can I make little shifts in the direction of making you feel more loved on a day to day basis? You might learn something and you might be surprised that the thing that you experience as loving is not necessarily true for your partner and vice versa.
[00:21:07]:
Okay. So that was six tips on how to be a better partner. I hope that's given you some food for thoughts and things to think about. Whether you're in a relationship at the moment or not, I think we can always be sharpening our tools and our awareness around this stuff because it's an area where we all have so many blind spots. And so hopefully some helpful reminders today. As I said, definitely check out that free master class if you haven't already. It's really valuable and continues on the themes that we've talked about here today, specifically in the context of anxious avoidant relationships and some common pitfalls there. But, otherwise, I really hope that it's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:21:43]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, Relationships, Self-improvement, Needs, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict resolution, Loving partner, Compassion, Codependency, Secure attachment, Modern culture, Discomfort, Avoidant attachment, Anxious attachment, Genuine curiosity, Defensive listening, Emotional validation, Relationship repair, Conflict management, Self-awareness, Relationship patterns, Blame, Shame, Relationship audit, Emotional safety, Love languages, Relationship satisfaction, Secure Together course, Free masterclass.