How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
In this episode, we’re diving into how fearful avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised attachment) plays out in relationships. If you identify with this attachment style, you might notice certain patterns in your relationships that feel confusing or contradictory.
Key points include:
Feelings of instability in relationships: Many with fearful avoidant attachment feel fine when single, but painful emotions surface in relationships, often leading to blaming their partner.
Impact of partner's attachment style: A hallmark of fearful avoidant attachment is the shift between anxious and avoidant behaviours, which can vary from one partner to the next depending on the attachment combinations.
Idealising vs. villainising partners: There’s a tendency to place partners on a pedestal at times, but then quickly villainise them when triggered or threatened.
Fear of intimacy vs. longing for connection: Fearful avoidants deeply crave closeness, but a core fear of rejection — often rooted in shame — makes true intimacy feel unsafe. Fear of betrayal and difficulties with trust are also common.
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Triggerhere✨
Understanding Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
Navigating relationships can be a challenging journey, especially when attachment styles come into play. One of the most complex attachment styles is the fearful avoidant attachment. People with this style often find themselves yearning for intimacy but simultaneously feeling petrified by the prospect of it. This paradox of wanting closeness yet fearing it creates a series of intricate dynamics within relationships that can be difficult to manage for both partners involved. Let's delve deeper into how fearful avoidant attachment manifests in relationships and explore ways to navigate these challenges.
The Push-Pull Dynamic
Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment frequently experience a push-pull dynamic in their relationships. On one hand, they deeply crave connection and intimacy. They are often described as "hopeless romantics" who idealise relationships and partner prospects. The initial phase of a relationship can feel exhilarating as they may place their partner on a pedestal, believing this could be the person to save them from past relational pains.
However, as the relationship deepens and becomes more intimate, a profound fear takes hold. Fearful avoidant individuals have an ingrained belief that those closest to them hold the power to inflict the most harm. This fear triggers protective mechanisms, causing them to pull away from their partner, sometimes abruptly. This shift from intense closeness to sudden distance can be bewildering for their partners, leading to a cycle of confusion and hurt.
Impact of Shame and Self-Loathing
A core aspect of fearful avoidant attachment is a deep-seated sense of shame and self-loathing. Many people with this attachment style feel inherently broken and unworthy of love. This belief fuels their protective behaviours, aiming to conceal these so-called "unlovable" parts of themselves.
Experiences of shame often intertwine with secrecy. Fearful avoidant individuals might hide parts of themselves or be less than honest in relationships. The thought of being truly seen and known is both a longing and a terror. Revealing their authentic selves is frightening, as they worry it will confirm their worst fears of rejection and inadequacy.
Relationship Triggers and Reactions
Fearful avoidant individuals respond differently depending on their partner's attachment style. For instance, if their partner displays dismissive avoidant behaviours—creating emotional distance or being noncommittal—it can trigger abandonment fears in the fearful avoidant person. This can lead to clingy, anxious behaviours and an overwhelming need for reassurance.
Conversely, if their partner has an anxious attachment style, seeking constant closeness and reassurance, the fearful avoidant individual may feel smothered. This suffocation triggers their fear of engulfment and loss of independence, prompting them to pull away, criticise their partner, or appear flaky and noncommittal.
Understanding these triggers can help fearful avoidant individuals and their partners navigate the complexities of their relational dynamics more mindfully, fostering empathy and patience.
Strategies for Creating Safety
While the challenges of fearful avoidant attachment can seem daunting, there is hope. Here are some strategies for creating more safety and stability in relationships:
Increase Self-Awareness: Recognising one's own patterns and triggers is a crucial first step. Understanding why you react a certain way allows you to address the root cause rather than just the symptoms.
Communicate Openly: Honest communication is vital in any relationship, but especially so for those with fearful avoidant tendencies. Sharing your fears and struggles with your partner can foster understanding and intimacy.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in working through attachment issues. A professional can offer guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to explore these deep-seated fears.
Establish Boundaries: Creating clear boundaries can help manage feelings of being overwhelmed. This might include setting aside time for personal space or defining limits on emotional sharing.
Practice Self-Compassion: Work on cultivating a kinder inner dialogue. Recognise that feeling scared or overwhelmed does not make you unworthy of love. Embracing self-compassion can gradually reduce feelings of shame and self-loathing.
Build Emotional Safety: Focus on building a relationship environment characterised by trust, consistency, and emotional support. Both partners should feel safe expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.
A Journey Towards Healing
Understanding and addressing fearful avoidant attachment is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, both from the person experiencing it and their partner. Remember, the journey towards secure attachment and healthier relationships is made up of small, consistent steps. It's about creating a safe environment where openness, vulnerability, and trust can flourish, allowing both partners to feel seen, heard, and valued.
While the path may be challenging, it is also profoundly rewarding. By addressing attachment fears and working towards vulnerability and connection, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Healing from fearful avoidant attachment is possible, and with self-awareness, support, and dedication, one can build the foundations for a loving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself idolising your partner at the beginning of a relationship, only to later feel disillusioned? How do you think this impacts your emotional wellbeing and the stability of your relationships?
When you're not in a relationship, do you notice a significant difference in your emotional regulation and sense of control? How might being single allow you to feel more secure and grounded?
Reflect on a time when you abruptly pulled away from someone close to you. What fears or insecurities do you think were triggered in that moment that led to your withdrawal?
If you identify with fearful avoidant attachment, in what ways do you feel seen or unseen in your relationships? How does this perception shape your interactions and emotional responses?
Consider the role of shame in your relational patterns. Are there parts of yourself that you feel need to be hidden? How does this secrecy affect your ability to form deep, authentic connections?
Have you ever found yourself fluctuating between feeling intensely connected to a partner and feeling the urge to push them away? What triggers these shifts for you, and how do they influence your relationship dynamics?
How do you navigate feelings of defensiveness and criticism from your partner or yourself? What strategies might help you create a sense of safety and reduce reactivity in those moments?
Reflect on any patterns of blaming your partner for relationship issues. To what extent do you think these patterns might be rooted in your own fears and insecurities?
In relationships where you feel overly anxious or avoidant, what core fears do you think are being highlighted by your partner's behaviour? How might recognising these fears help you respond more constructively?
If you have a history of feeling "broken" or "defective," how does this belief impact your relationships? What steps can you take to challenge these beliefs and foster more secure and loving connections?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships. So whenever I talk about fearful avoidant attachment, I always get this resounding feedback of more. Please talk more about fearful avoidant attachment. And as I've said, I think that that's because there tends to be a bit less, by way of content, around fearful avoidant attachment relative to anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment.
[00:00:58]:
And I know that many folks who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment are what we might call seekers, people who really want to understand themselves better and so are really hungry for information that feels validating and illuminating as to, you know, why they struggle with the things that they struggle with. And so I'm hoping that in today's episode, it's going to be a little bit free form in the sense that I'm just going to be sharing tidbits of things that fearful avoidant attaches are likely to experience and struggle within their relationships, you know, how that attachment style shows up, some things that you might expect. And I'm hoping that this will be insightful both for people who identify with that attachment style and folks who might be in relationship with someone with that attachment style and those patterns, so that you can understand a little more what drives it. Maybe you can feel seen. I think that many folks with those attachment patterns can feel quite broken. And so I think anyone who has that tendency towards feeling broken, feeling like there's something wrong with them, it can be extremely validating and encouraging to realize that you're far from alone in your experience. And not only is there an explanation, but there is hope. It's not something that you are condemned to struggle with for the rest of your life.
[00:02:12]:
There are things that you can do to shift those patterns towards something that feels more sturdy, more stable, more secure, and can give you some relief from that inner turmoil. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a couple of announcements. As I've shared a bit recently, I've got some exciting events coming up in Australia. A workshop in Sydney at the end of November, and a retreat in Byron Bay in May next year. I've also got some really exciting things in the pipeline, brand new things online, and I'm not quite ready to announce that yet. I know that sounds very cagey. It's mostly because I haven't finalized the details, and I don't want to log myself into anything prematurely.
[00:02:53]:
But if you're interested in, you know, any or all of those things, I really encourage you to jump on my email list. I send out a weekly ish newsletter. I'd love to be able to say every Thursday morning at 10 AM, it goes out like clockwork. Sadly, I am not that organized, but I send out a weekly ish newsletter that dives deep into the types of themes that I explore in my podcast. Sometimes it is a deep dive into a podcast episode, sort of in an extended blog post format. I have over 30,000 people who receive my email newsletters, and I always get really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in receiving those newsletters just for the fun of it, jump on my email list and with the added bonus that that is where I always announce things first, opportunities to work with me and new programs, new offerings. My email list always gets first dibs on that.
[00:03:38]:
So if you're interested in any of those ways to work with me, for the in person stuff, you can go straight to my website and sign up. Or for the upcoming things that I haven't quite announced yet, jump on my email list and you'll be the first to hear. Okay. So let's dive into talking about fearful avoidant attachment and how it shows up in relationships. So I think it's helpful to say at the outset that for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, when they're not in a relationship, they feel pretty under control, relatively speaking. They might feel like they have a reasonable grip on their, you know, emotional regulation. Things like reactivity, which can really come out a lot in relationships, very easily triggered, might be less apparent when they're not in a relationship. For some people, it'll be, like, you know, night and day, like, they're totally fine when they're single, but once they get into a relationship, all of that stuff really rises to the surface very quickly.
[00:04:30]:
For some others, I would say those patterns of reactivity and being very easily triggered by other people, being very sensitive to perceived criticism and feeling very defensive, those things can bleed into other areas of life, so friendships or working relationships. But for the most part, I would say that people with fearful avoidant attachment will feel more under control when they're not in a relationship. And that makes sense when we think about the fact that for fearful avoidant folks, they have an imprint around relationships, that the people closest to me have the greatest capacity to hurt me. I really long for that connection and intimacy, but I'm so afraid of it when I get close to it, that all of my protective parts come out with guns blazing so fierce in their commitment to keeping me safe from all of the things that I associate with intimacy, which are a lot of fears. So it can be really disorienting and confusing for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, and for someone who's in relationship with someone with fearful avoidant attachment, that they can really seek out relationships. I think that there is this hopeless romantic part in many fearful avoid people. They do have, at least on the surface, a positive association with relationships, in that they are inclined to seeking them out. They want love, they want connection, and so they sort of move towards that and seek that.
[00:05:57]:
And I think initially there can be a tendency to pedestalize a partner, to really idolize them and to think like, this is it, right? This is the person I've been waiting for, and in this relationship, unlike all the others, everything's going to be great. All of my demons are going to sort of dissolve because this person's going to be the one. I'm not going to have to struggle in the ways that I've struggled previously. I'm going to it's almost like this is my salvation. And so there can be this tendency to really look up to someone that they're initially drawn to and attracted to and seeking out relationship with. And I think for the person on the other side of that equation, that can feel you know, really wonderful, as it does at the start of a relationship. I think we can all put a partner on a pedestal at the start of a relationship and kind of see them through rose colored glasses. But I think the fearful avoidant really does do this a lot, And I think they not only do they think the partner's amazing, but they do tend to have these stories, whether conscious or not, that this partner is going to kind of be their ticket out of all of that stuff that they've struggled with for so long.
[00:07:06]:
And this is where it gets really challenging because inevitably, there's a fall from grace there. Right? The higher you put someone on a pedestal, the further they have to fall. And so I think that as the relationship progresses, as things get closer, more intimate, the fearful avoidant will invariably be brought into contact with their wounds, their sensitivities, because intimacy is such a sore point, is such a challenge for them, that as much as they yearn for it and seek it out and long for it, when they get it, when they get close to it, it actually really terrifies them. And that can be as confusing for them as it is for the other person. Right? It's not like they've done this in a really cold and calculated way. I think that if you spend too much time in certain areas of the Internet that are talking about, like, love bombing and narcissism and all of that, it's not to say that that doesn't happen, but that's really not what's happening for someone with fearful avoidant attachment. It's not a manipulative strategy to try and hurt someone, and it is as confusing for them as it is for the other person. The fact that they can go from all in and really excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so excited about the future and talking about all these things and seemingly so smitten with the other person to really turning.
[00:08:25]:
And the turn can be quite pronounced. It can be really extreme. It's not just, you know, a a fade out. They can go from thinking someone is this, like, incredible, best person I've ever met, love of my life, to thinking that they are just the worst. Right? You are my worst enemy. You are, you know, total villain. And oftentimes they can't explain that in rational terms. But it's so persuasive and it's so real, this almost sense of hatred towards their partner that can kind of fall upon them so quickly that you can have one small rupture.
[00:09:04]:
And the fear and the rage and the heat that comes up in them directed towards their partner can feel so intense. And oftentimes, the only way they know how to deal with that is by pulling away, by pushing away, by getting as far away from their partner as they can. And I think that, I would argue deep down, most folks with fearful avoidant detachment know that the blame they place on a partner is probably not the full picture because deep down, and really this is another key piece here, at the heart of fearful avoidant detachment is a lot of shame, a lot of feeling broken, feeling like there is something really fundamentally wrong with me, and kind of almost self loathing a lot of the time. And so as much as their protective strategy is to push someone away, blame them, make them the bad guy, I think depending on the level of self awareness, I think on some level, many people would know that deep down they feel like they're the bad guy, and they're pushing someone away to both save the other person and save themselves from that. And I think you might even hear someone with fearful avoidant saying things like, you deserve better than me', or 'I just hurt people', I'm too fucked up to be in a relationship', those sorts of sentiments, and so they feel like they almost have to push someone away, both for their own self preservation, because as we said at the start, they feel so much more, kind of, level and grounded when they're not in a relationship. So for their own sake and the sake of this person that they do kind of put on a pedestal and they do feel undeserving of much of the time, it's almost like, I have to save you from me. But it doesn't come out that way. Often that will be cloaked in anger or blame or defensiveness or criticism.
[00:10:56]:
So all of that can feel really complicated, and it can feel messy and confusing and really painful for everyone involved. I think another key piece, and it sort of ties in with this, both the shame and that longing for intimacy, is that often fearful avoidance will pull away when they feel like someone is getting to see them. So again, it's this sense of, like, I so yearn to be known. I so yearn to be understood and loved and seen. And the idea of that actually happening, the reality of that, is so deeply frightening that as soon as anyone actually gets close to knowing me and seeing me, I'm inclined to consciously or subconsciously come up with some sort of reason to push them away. So I think because shame is such a big piece for many folks with fearful avoidant attachment, often shame and secrecy go hand in hand. So there might be certain parts of themselves that they have been, you know, not fully upfront about. They haven't been honest with the people that they're in relationship with.
[00:12:09]:
And maybe they're really compartmentalizing or not being fully authentic, which I think makes sense when someone feels like there's something wrong with them or they're broken or there is something to be ashamed of. Often, secrecy and pretending and half truths are a strategy to conceal those parts of themselves that you, you know, have deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable. And so while there is this yearning to be known and seen and to have true intimacy with someone, I think that sounds really nice in theory, but in practice, that requires letting someone see parts of you that maybe you've never shown to anyone before. And when you believe at a really fundamental level that no one could ever love those parts because you can't love those parts or you feel you can't love those parts, the idea of someone else actually seeing those, you know, when it's crunch time, that's pretty terrifying. And most people, I would say, will default to a protective part, a protective strategy to stop that from actually having to happen. It takes a huge amount of capacity and self awareness and bravery and vulnerability to actually go there, and a huge amount of safety in the relational container. And so unless you've got that safety established, which arguably is a bit chicken and egg because I think that it's hard to have that level of safety when you haven't been vulnerable, when you haven't been honest and authentic. And so I think that often what will happen is the relationship lacks that level of emotional safety, lacks that level of containment and trust.
[00:13:47]:
And so when push comes to shove, the idea of actually being vulnerable, being honest, being forthcoming about those parts of you that you've kept secret or that you've hidden away, that can just be so confronting and so daunting that you feel as it's just not worth it. That it's too high risk because if they see that, they'll reject me and they'll confirm everything that I already deeply believe about myself, which is that no one could ever love that if they were to really see that. And so rather than taking that risk of showing yourself to someone, it feels like the safer thing to do is pull back at that point, to end the relationship, to make the other person the problem, to come up with some sort of reason why it's not a good fit. All of these can be kind of different branches of the same tree, which is wanting intimacy, but as soon as I get close to it, I've got to find an exit, because it just feels almost claustrophobic, the idea of being with your back up against the wall and actually having to face the reality of being seen and known by someone fully laid bare without all of those, you know, protectors standing in front of you and keeping that buffer or keeping that distance that has been a safety blanket for you for probably most of your life. So the last piece that I want to speak to and I do apologize. I realize this has been a very all over the place episode. I did I did warn you in the introduction that it was gonna be a little bit stream of consciousness. But one piece that I want to speak to is a question that I get a lot, which is how feeble avoidant attachment might manifest itself or express itself in relationship with different kinds of partners.
[00:15:34]:
So matched with someone who is dismissive avoidant, are you likely to be more anxious? Whereas with a more anxious partner, are you likely to be more avoidant? And the short answer is yes in most cases. I think when we take a step back and go, okay, attachment styles are basically describing the strategies that we use to create safety for ourselves in relationships. And they also describe what types of things cause us stress or fear in relationships. When we look at it that way and we consider that the fearful avoidant, they experience both anxiety and avoidance. They rank high on both of those metrics. And they also tend to experience the core wounds of both anxious and avoidant attachment. So they struggle with a fear of abandonment and a fear of rejection. They also experience that fear of engulfment, that fear of loss of self.
[00:16:28]:
They're very protective of their independence. They don't want to feel like they're being smothered. They feel defective in relationships and they have a lot of shame around that. So they kind of have aspects of both anxious and avoidant detachment. Because of that, because they, you know, have core wounds from both ends of the spectrum, they have protective strategies to accompany those core wounds or that have grown out of those core wounds. So we can then see that someone with fearful avoidant attachment, if they're in relationship with someone with more dismissive avoidant patterns, it is more likely that that person with dismissive avoidant patterns who's, you know, leaning on their strategies of maybe creating distance, maybe being noncommittal, not being very clear in their feelings, maybe pushing away intimacy, that that is more likely to trigger the abandonment wounds and the fear of rejection in the fearful avoidant. And so it's more likely to enliven the strategies that grow out of that. So trying to get close, trying to get reassurance, you know, trying to get someone to like them, the more people pleasing parts.
[00:17:34]:
Contrast that with fearful avoidant in relationship with someone with more anxious attachment patterns, who might be more clingy and reassurance seeking and wanting to get closer and closer and closer. That's likely to trigger the intimacy fears of the fearful avoidant. The fears of being smothered, the fear of engulfment, the protectiveness around their independence, and as we just talked about, the shame and the sense of brokenness, that sense of I can't let you get too close because you'll see me and that terrifies me. And so in those circumstances, in that kind of dynamic, you're more likely to get avoidant strategies of pushing them away, of being non committal, of being flaky, of criticising a partner, finding things that are wrong with their partner as a way to create distance. So I think seen against that backdrop, this question that I get all the time from people as if it's a great mystery actually makes perfect sense. That if you have more fearful avoidant patterns and you carry all of those core wounds and fears, that depending on who's on the other side of the equation, you are more likely to animate or manifest different aspects of those strategies depending on what wound is really front and centre for you, what you're being most brought into contact with. So it actually, I think, makes a lot of sense when seen against that backdrop. Okay.
[00:18:53]:
So I'm going to leave it there. I hope that that was, you know, a helpful, albeit a little bit all over the place, dive into how fearful avoidant attachment shows up in relationships, some of the things that are likely to present as challenges, what you might experience. As I said in the introduction, my intention with this is hopefully to allow you, if this is you, to feel validated, to feel understood, to know that there's perfectly good reasons for why you struggle with the things you struggle with, as is true for all of us. You know, our patterns really make perfect sense in the context of our past experience, and there are things that we can do. You're not inherently broken or defective. You're not just bad at relationships and doomed to struggle forever. It's just really about understanding, okay, what's going on for me here? What am I afraid of? And what could I do to create a little more safety for myself and in my relationships so that I feel able to step towards the edge of what is comfortable for me in a way that allows me to build that capacity and build the container and my ability to hold those things. So hopefully that's been insightful for you.
[00:20:02]:
As always, really grateful for those of you who leave feedback, leave reviews, and let me know if you want more of this kind of content. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fearful avoidant attachment, relationships, attachment styles, insecure attachment, emotional regulation, reactivity, intimacy fears, shame, vulnerability, self-awareness, relationship patterns, defensive behaviour, emotional safety, attachment wounds, relationship challenges, core wounds, protective strategies, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of loss of self, longing for intimacy, emotional triggers, abandonement wounds, independence in relationships, criticism in relationships, people pleasing, feeling broken, hopeless romantic, dismissive avoidant,
How to Work Through a Trigger
In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.
In today’s episode, we’re talking about how to navigate emotional triggers in a healthy and constructive way. Whether it’s a comment, an argument, or even an unexpected event, triggers can send us into emotional overdrive, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from ourselves. But with the right tools, you can slow down the spiral and regain control over your emotions.
I’ll guide you through a simple, four-step process to help you work through triggers in real time. We’ll explore how to pause and ground yourself, tune into what’s happening in your body, examine the story you’re telling yourself about the situation, and identify what you truly need to move forward.
If you’ve ever felt hijacked by your emotions and want practical steps to bring more calm and clarity to these moments, this episode is for you.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
Why we get triggered and how the body responds to perceived threats
The importance of pausing and creating space before reacting
How to tune into your body to notice sensations and ground yourself
Questions to help you check the story you’re telling yourself about the situation
How to discern whether you need to have a conversation or if you can genuinely let it go
Identifying what you need to feel empowered and move forward
✨ Download the free cheat sheet on How to Work Through a Trigger here ✨
Navigating Emotional Triggers: Strategies for Growth and Healing
Emotional triggers are an unavoidable part of life, surfacing in our various relationships — be it romantic, familial, friendships, or even work environments. These triggers often stem from unresolved emotional baggage and can manifest unexpectedly, leaving us feeling out of control. Understanding how to manage these responses is key to fostering healthier relationships and a more secure sense of self.
Recognising Triggers
Triggers are essentially emotional flashpoints that draw a swift and often intense reaction. These moments tap into our past experiences, fears, or insecurities, causing us to react defensively or regretfully. It's not uncommon to look back at these reactions with a sense of bewilderment, wondering why we behaved in such a way. Recognising that these responses are messages from our body can be a crucial first step in managing them.
The Importance of Pausing
When faced with a trigger, the immediate goal should be to pause. The simple act of pausing creates a moment of separation between stimulus and response, allowing an opportunity to choose a considered reaction rather than an impulsive one. It prevents the escalation of emotions and offers a chance to respond from a grounded state.
Understanding the Body’s Response
Physiological responses to triggers are usually rapid, driven by the sympathetic nervous system. The surge of adrenaline and cortisol can make the heart race and induce a state of fight or flight. This physiological response was originally meant for survival, but in modern-day emotional scenarios, it often does more harm than good.
When triggered, tuning into bodily sensations can help ground you. Noticing where you feel tension—perhaps a racing heart or a warm flush—can anchor you in the present moment. This awareness serves as a reminder that while your body is reacting, the situation is not necessarily a threat to your survival.
Shifting Focus
If paying attention to certain bodily sensations exacerbates your stress, then redirecting your focus can be helpful. Shifting attention to neutral or pleasant sensations, like the feel of your feet on the ground or your hands resting softly, can draw you back to a state of calm and control.
Tools for Regulation
Having an array of regulation techniques to draw from can significantly aid in managing emotional triggers. Deep breathing exercises can slow down the heart rate, while physiological sighs—where you take a deep breath in, followed by a second, smaller breath before exhaling slowly—can reset the nervous system. Physical comforts like heat packs or weighted blankets can also bring a sense of security and relaxation.
Engaging Rational Thought
Once you’ve grounded yourself, bringing the rational mind back online is crucial. The rational brain often shuts down during an emotional trigger, leaving instinctual responses to take over. Therefore, it’s helpful to focus on questioning your responses: What story are you telling yourself? What fears or feelings are at play? Are these thoughts grounded in reality, or do they stem from past experiences?
Being able to distil your reactions down to these elements can provide clarity and open up a pathway to more insightful responses.
Communicating About Triggers
Effective communication about triggers in relationships can prevent future feelings of invalidation and misunderstanding. It’s important to approach conversations about triggers with empathy and consideration for both perspectives involved. For example, using “I feel” statements to express your emotions rather than making accusations can lead to more constructive dialogue.
When discussing triggers with partners or others, expressing your feelings plainly and making reasonable requests for future interactions can dissolve tension rather than escalate it.
Choosing When to Let Go
Not every trigger needs to be addressed through a detailed conversation. It’s essential to discern which issues require a resolution and which can be let go. With avoidant partners in particular, pressing every issue can be counterproductive. Letting go means truly releasing the subject without harbouring resentment, thus maintaining emotional balance and relationship harmony.
Turning Triggers into Opportunities
While triggers can be intensely challenging, they also hold the potential for significant personal growth and relationship healing. These moments, though painful, provide insight into unhealed areas and sensitivities that need attention. Developing emotional maturity and utilising self-care tools can transform these triggers from disruptive events into opportunities for repair and deeper understanding.
By recognising and rewriting old stories of distrust or hurt, healing becomes possible. Subsequent triggers need not feel overwhelming; instead, they can become bearers of important messages about your inner world, urging you towards greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Adopting new, intentional responses to triggers is a crucial step towards personal development and stronger, safer relationships. Emotional triggers are a natural part of the human experience, but with the right tools and approaches, they can lead to profound healing and growth.
Embrace the challenge of working through your triggers for a more resilient, balanced, and fulfilling emotional life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When faced with an emotional trigger, do you find it challenging to pause and create space before reacting? How do you think this initial pause could change the outcome of your interactions?
What physical sensations do you commonly experience when triggered? Can you identify strategies that help you ground yourself and bring safety back to your body?
Reflect on a recent time when you were triggered. What story were you telling yourself in that moment? How might this story be linked to past experiences or unhealed areas?
How do you typically respond when your partner or close friend triggers you? What might it look like to approach these situations with more empathy and understanding of both perspectives?
Think about a trigger that you chose not to discuss with someone. Did you truly let go of the issue, or do you feel lingering resentment? What steps could you take to fully release it?
Consider the last time you felt intense emotions during a triggering event. How did these emotions affect your rational thinking? What methods can you use to bring your rational brain back online in such moments?
Do you practise questioning absolute judgments and adopting generous interpretations when triggered? How do you think this mindset shifts could impact your relationships?
What role does personal responsibility play in your reactions to triggers? How can acknowledging your part in emotional responses foster healthier dynamics with others?
Which issues in your relationships do you feel genuinely require resolution conversations, and which could you let go? How do you distinguish between the two?
Reflect on how your attachment style influences your response to triggers. How can understanding your attachment style help you develop more effective self-care tools and communication strategies?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about how to work through a trigger. So there was an episode that I did two and a half years ago at the very start of this podcast. It was one of the first few episodes, and it was called 5 steps to working through a trigger. And it was a really you know, I got a lot of positive feedback at the time.
[00:00:51]:
And so I've always had in my head, like, I've already done an episode on on working through a trigger. But then I sort of zoomed out and realized that that was two and a half years ago, and that the vast majority of you have joined my community since then. And so it's probably a topic worth revisiting because triggers really are a fact of being an imperfect, messy human in imperfect, messy relationships. They affect our romantic relationships, our familial relationships, our friendships, our working relationships. They can really pop up all over the place. And I think that while there's probably a correlation between how much unprocessed wounding and and baggage, so to speak, we're carrying around. I think that the more of that you have under your belt, the more likely you are to be very sensitive and reactive, easily triggered. Even, I think, when you've done a lot of work, you can find yourself in situations that activate something within you.
[00:01:47]:
Maybe someone says something in a particular tone or doesn't say something, and all of a sudden you notice this big response arising in your body. And, for anyone who has had that experience, which I think is most everyone, knows that it can feel almost out of body. It can feel like something is hijacking your system and driving you to snap back or react in ways that you ordinarily wouldn't or that you'd rather not, you know, that are not in alignment with your highest self or your most emotionally mature self. It's amazing how we can regress into this very defensive self protective part when we feel triggered or activated, and it can feel really out of control. And so I think that having a process that allows you to work through a trigger is a very, very empowering thing because it allows you to create that pause, create that space, and feel like you can actually learn from the moment, the experience, rather than, you know, having it hijack your system and maybe make matters a lot worse. By taking an offhand comment and turning it into a whole spiraling rupture in a relationship where you then snap back and say something that you regret and so on and so forth. So I think that having a clear methodology or protocol for yourself around, oh, okay. Like, I feel competent in managing myself and my body and my mind when I'm triggered rather than feeling like I'm at the mercy of my own system and the world around me.
[00:03:19]:
I think that that really allows you to build self trust and trust in the safety of relationships because you're less likely to have ruptures left, right, and center and feel like relationships are a bit of a war zone for you. And I think that then pays dividends because your relationships are likely to be less triggering the less reactive you become. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. And I wanted to say at the outset, I'm going to be outlining kind of a process for you to work through a trigger and to make life a little bit easier. I know most people listen on the go rather than sitting down with a pen and paper. I've made a little PDF that's just a bit of a cheat sheet, a one pager outlining the steps that I'm going to share in this episode. So if you want to download that cheat sheet and you can, you know, save it on your phone or have it nearby so that in the moment you can grab it and have something to lean on, you can download that by following the link in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Hopefully that will support you and provide a bit of a structure while you're still learning.
[00:04:22]:
So before we get into the nitty gritty of all of that, just a reminder. I know I've shared the past few weeks, that I have a couple of events coming up in Australia. So I have a 3 night retreat coming up next May in Byron Bay, which is a very, very beautiful location. If you're not familiar with it, Google it. All the details are on my website. There are still some early bird spots available for anyone who would like to join. And, yeah, if you're interested in doing some deep work over a few days in an incredible location with a great bunch of people, then definitely come join us. The second one is a weekend intensive that I'm running in Sydney, so it's just a 2 day thing rather than an overnight one.
[00:05:03]:
And we'll be doing, you know, a condensed version of my secure self challenge in the course of a weekend. So if you wanna spend a weekend with me at the end of November in Sydney, diving deep into all things self worth, getting clarity around where you're stuck, and really formulating a plan to move your life in the direction that you really want to go with a strong foundation of healthy self esteem and self worth and self confidence, I would love to see you there and you can sign up directly on my website. Okay, so let's talk about how to work through a trigger. So if you've been a listener for a while or you've done any of my programs, you've probably heard me talk about the difference between top down and bottom up approaches to healing, to therapy, to processing trauma or attachment wounds. And the distinction there is basically, you know, do we start with the thinking mind or do we start with the somathe somatic body and the somatic imprint of something. We try and change what is happening in the body by using the mind, or do we try and change what's happening in the mind by using the body? Now, I think that when it comes to working through triggers in particular, it's really, really essential that we start with the body. Because for many people, as I said, you feel this sense of your system being hijacked. You can feel like your body's on fire, your chest is thumping, your stomach churns.
[00:06:23]:
All of those experiences are very much of the body, and that's our sympathetic nervous system that is just firing up, that is activating, that is mobilising, and telling us, you know, something is threatening about this. Something doesn't feel safe, something doesn't feel good. Maybe I'm feeling attacked, maybe I'm, you know, feeling like something very bad is about to happen. Maybe I'm feeling shame, or I'm feeling anxiety, I'm feeling stress, I'm feeling insulted. Any of these things, your body responds almost instantaneously before your mind even has really caught up. Right? And because those experiences tend to originate in the body, it's really important that we start there. Because if you are in that experienceand again, I'm sure most everyone listening can relate to thisjust trying to think your way out of it or rationalise your way out of it it's almost like your body's moving at a faster pace than your mind. And it actually is that your body is moving at a faster pace than your mind.
[00:07:19]:
Oftentimes when we're really in a stress response like that, our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, our rational brain is offline, more or less. And so we don't really have access to that anyway. So trying to rationalize or reason our way out of a really intense stress response, which is what's happening when we're triggered in a very acute way, it tends not to be very effective. And as a side note, that's really so many of us will have had the experience where if something happens and we're really caught off guard and we're really triggered, we're really activated, and afterwards, a couple of hours later or days later, you can go, Oh, why didn't I say this? Or, Why did I just stand there? We retrospectively apply our reasonable thinking brain to what was very much a somatic experience in the moment, and we then judge ourselves or shame ourselves for how we responded. But I think it's really useful to remind ourselves that we didn't do all of that because we didn't have access to all of that. We didn't have access to empathy or reason or quick wit or any of those things. We were responding or reacting from a much more instinctual, primal, self protective place. So because of that and knowing that, working with what is going on in our body, 1st and foremost, tends to be most effective in working through a trigger in a way that creates some space, creates more regulation, creates more groundedness, so that we can deliberately bring our prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, back online and be able to use that as a resource to then eventually process the situation.
[00:08:52]:
But trying to start there is putting the cart before the horse. So all of that being said, the first thing that I want you to do when you notice that you are being triggered, that you have been triggered, that something is activating, is just to pause. Okay? The pause can be a total lifesaver, relationship saver. Because as you'll know, when you get triggered, everything speeds up. That is the inclination, that's where your body goes, and that is a function of your sympathetic nervous system, is to speed everything up. Adrenaline, cortisol, everything starts pumping. It's trying to mobilize you into fast action. Right? It's really important that you try and counteract that rather than just leaning into that accelerant that's happening in your system.
[00:09:33]:
You know, if you are wanting to be able to respond from a grounded place, you're going to need to pause really deliberately and create some space for yourself. It's a very straightforward thing to be able to remember. Simple, but not easy. But nevertheless, if you can go, okay, I'm intrigued. Pause. That's my only job in this moment, is just to pause. Even just that little simple act of pausing will buy you some time and space, and that is really, really critical because that's where we get to change direction. That's where we get to create new pathways for ourselves, rather than just doing the old thing from muscle memory from autopilot that, you know, then reinforces that as the way that we respond.
[00:10:10]:
So just pause. Now, depending on what circumstances you find yourself in, if you're in a conversation with someone, they're right in front of you, and you're really triggered. That pause might need to be accompanied by removing yourself from the situation temporarily. So if you're in a conversation, you might have to say, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, or I just need a minute, or whatever. Find a way to extract yourself because it's going to be somewhat challenging to take yourself through the process of of working through the trigger. If the person who is really triggering to you and who's just said something or done something is sitting right in front of you, it's going to be hard because your system is still perceiving them as a threat. And so it's going to be quite challenging to override that overwhelming sense that there is something threatening right in front of me that I need to be dealing with. I need to do something about that threat.
[00:10:58]:
So you might be swimming too much against the tide to be trying to ground your system and calm down if you're really face to face with whatever it is that's feeling very triggering to you. So depending on where you're at, you if you are in direct proximity to someone or something that is triggering, it is usually wise to extract yourself, particularly at the start when you're still learning how to do this, when you've still got your training wheels on. So pausing and maybe taking some space for yourself. The next thing that I want you to do once you've done that and you've got that space to process is just to turn your attention inward. So notice what's happening in your body. So that might be racing hot. It might be a real churning in your belly. It might be heat in your face.
[00:11:42]:
It might be like your vision feels a bit disoriented, you might feel a bit dizzy, and there's a good chance that those sensations, those somatic experiences, are things that you have felt before. There's probably a long history of your body creating those responses to similar emotional states or similar feelings. It's like someone strikes the cord and your body knows what that feels like, and it's transporting you throughout the history of your life to all the other times you've felt that, which as a side note, and we'll come to this in a second, is why it can feel so much bigger and deeper and more painful than maybe the situation warrants. Because we are sort of being transported through time and coming to that moment with this accumulation of all of our previous experiences and all the other times we've felt that pain. And so we're responding to a lifetime of, you know, pain and wounding and sensitivity rather than just what is actually happening in that moment. So tuning into those sensations of the body and just noticing. That's your next only job. Okay? I think, again, as we move through this process of working through a trigger, rather than trying to solve the whole situation, rather than trying to figure out what you're going to say to this person or what you're going to do, I really want you to try and narrow your focus to the present moment.
[00:13:03]:
And so your first job is just to pause, your second job is just to notice. So what is going on in my body? What sensations are there? Right? And oftentimes, the turning inwards and the pausing to notice, because you're giving your brain a job to notice, that can distract from the escalation. Right? So that can pull you away from this mounting, snowballing stress. Now for some people, I will just say as a side note, some people will say, when I tune into the sensations of my body, that actually makes it worse, because if I notice that my heart is thumping, then I feel like that causes me more stress, and it kind of, you know, accentuates rather than the stress that I'm feeling. If that's true for you, then something else that you might try is finding a sensation in your body that feels good or neutral. So rather than focusing on the things that feel very stressful to you, if that's your experience, you might, you know, notice your feet planted in the floor. You might notice put your hands together and just notice the sensation of pressure from squeezing your hands together. So finding something that feels at least neutral, or ideally even good or comfortable, and training your attention to be in that sensation and to try and inhabit or embody that sensation with as much of your awareness as is possible and accessible to you, that can be quite a grounding experience that can buy you, again, a bit more space, a bit more time, a bit more pause, and hopefully a bit more regulation.
[00:14:35]:
As a follow on from that, now depending on your body, your system, that in and of itself, that process of noticing might be grounding. If not, and even if it is, you'll usually benefit from then really deliberately taking it a step further, and beyond just the noticing of what's happening in your body, trying to bring some safety back into your body. So that might look like taking some long, deep breaths, accentuating your exhale, doing some physiological sighs, humming. You might even, you know, lie on your bed in a fetal position. You might hug a pillow. All of these things that are quite grounding and create a sense of safety and presence in the body, they can be really, really helpful in the moment ways to bring you back into the here and now. And that's again, as I said, that's really the purpose of all of this, is to remind you that I'm here right now and I'm okay, because your triggered system is going to try and convince you otherwise, and it can be extremely persuasive in doing that. So bringing a bit more regulation into the body.
[00:15:40]:
Again, if you've done my healing anxious attachment course or some of my other programs, we build out a whole toolkit of ways to regulate your nervous system. And I'm sure that you can, you know, find a long list of things just by googling it, you know, tools for nervous system regulation. But any of those things, it's really important in this process of growth to to build out your own toolkit so that you have a lot of things to hand, and you know what to offer your own body when you need it in the moment. You know what works for you. Some other things that I like are like a heat pack or a weighted blanket, those sorts of things that can create a sense of containment and feel like you are held and anchored. All of those things tend to be really supportive as a counter act to the revving of your system into a triggered state. So once you've done that, once you've paused, once you've noticed the sensations of your body, once you've created some safety in the body, and you feel like you're a little bit more online in terms of, you know, your rational, thinking, reasonable brain, that's where we want to start interrogating a little what is actually happening. So this is where we bring in some of the top down questions and the things that I want you to ask.
[00:16:52]:
Again, as I said at the start, I've got a PDF that runs through all of this. So if this is feeling like you're losing track of what the steps are, fear not. There's a quick and easy download that will set it all out for you. But there's sorts of questions I want you to ask. What story am I telling myself about what is happening here? Right? What am I feeling? What am I making this situation mean about me, about them, about our relationship, about the world? What am I afraid is going to happen or has happened? Do I have enough evidence to support the stories that I'm telling myself, or am I catastrophizing? Am I filling in the blanks with worst case scenario interpretations? When else have I felt like this in my life, and is it possible that I am reacting to more than is really here in this moment? Am I reacting to someone or something from my past that's not actually in front of me right now? These sorts of questions really allow us to bring a bit more perspective in and to almost coach ourselves through. And I think that when we can do that, we create this separation within us, a really healthy separation where, rather than being totally consumed by the moment and totally consumed by our feelings, our interpretations, we start to be able to rise above and observe them. And again, just in doing that, just in creating that little bit of space between us and our interpretation, all of that can be really, really helpful in bringing the heat down in our system. Because, again, very reliably, and this is not something that's wrong with you, this is something we all do, When we're feeling triggered, we very quickly go to villain, victim, blame, how dare they, how, why do they think they can speak to me like that, I would never do that, how all of that stuff.
[00:18:40]:
Right? That tends to be what my internal dialogue sounds like when I notice that I get activated by something. And so taking the time to really deliberately slow down and second guess my own very absolute judgmental how dare they kind of story, that is very, very helpful in creating a bit more space, you know, going, what is the most generous interpretation that I can give that comment or this situation, whatever it might be, rather than what is the least generous interpretation, which is what we tend to do by default when we are activated. So going through that process and just sort of softening the edges of those stories that we tell ourselves, even injecting just a little bit of doubt or a little bit of, okay, I'm not totally 100% sure that they are out to get me and trying to hurt me, or that something terrible has happened that I maybe actually don't have all of the evidence to back up. Doing that, I think, allows our system to come down a little bit. It doesn't have to be, like, bringing it back down to 0 where you're meditating in a total zen state, but I think just bringing it down a little bit, again, these are all incremental shifts that allow us to access a bit more of our empathetic parts, our mature parts, our social brain that is going to allow us to eventually deal with this situation in a way that is not destructive to our relationships. So when you've asked all of those questions, and maybe developed a slightly more rounded view of the situation that maybe takes into account what the other person's intention might have been, even if the impact or the way that their comment landed might have really carried a sting for you. Being able to go, well, maybe they didn't mean it that way, or they probably just didn't think about it, or they forgot, or whatever it might be. Having a more generous interpretation, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, Going through all of those processes will really allow you to, come to an eventual conversation in a way that is much more balanced and much more conducive to healthy repair, if that's what needs to happen.
[00:20:48]:
And that leads me into, you know, the final piece of the puzzle here. So we've calmed the body, we've brought the thinking brain back online, and coached ourselves through whatever we've experienced. And really, I think that part is a really key piece in taking responsibility for what we are bringing to the moment rather than just blaming them and saying, well, you triggered me because you did this and you always do that, and how dare you speak to me like that. Recognizing that we are bringing so much to that moment that is leading to almost like a chemical reaction of whatever they've said or done or not said or not done, combined with our unique relational blueprint and history and experience, all of that, and it's caused this kind of explosion within us. And we are part of that equation. So recognizing, like, what am I bringing to this that has led me to interpret the situation in that way? And taking responsibility for whatever narrative or meaning making that we might be getting a bit creative with there. And then finally, what we want to do is figure out what we need. Right? Do I need to have a conversation with someone? For me now, sometimes I'll get triggered and I'll notice all of those stories and it all happens, and I pause and I tune in and I take a bit of space, take maybe a few minutes, maybe more, and I realize that it doesn't actually need a full blown repair.
[00:22:10]:
I don't need to sit down with Joel and say, hey, look. Before when you said this, it made me feel this way, and we really need to talk about it, and it's some whole big thing. Sometimes you can just let it go, and I think that, you know, part of the process of emotionally maturing is having the discernment to know what needs to be talked about, and what needs to be unpacked, and what you can just let go. And I think that, you know, sometimes when we're in the learning phase of this, we take it all very seriously and think that, like, every single little moment of rapture needs to have a full sit down conversation, where we audit what went wrong and come up with a plan to make sure it never happens again. I think that that can get really tiring. And if you've got a more avoidant leaning partner, that's probably going to be challenging for them. I know that historically that has been challenging for Joel. When we've been in phases of more ruptures and needing to have more of those repair conversations, like, several times a week, the resistance in him, I know, definitely mounts.
[00:23:11]:
It feels like he's being, you know, called into the principal's office every time I wanna talk to him. So I think that, like, part of having a secure functioning relationship is being able to let some things go, but I think ultimately you need to figure out for yourself. Can I let this go, or will letting it go mean me stewing on it and being resentful and being privately hurt and still holding onto it, but just not talking about it? So you need to figure out, like, if I'm gonna let it go, I need to let it go rather than just not talking about it and burying it. So figure out, is this okay? Like, can I just write this off as something that I had a big reaction to, but maybe that's because I didn't get a good night's sleep, or I'm being sensitive about something from my past that actually has nothing to do with my partner, or whatever else? Right? You decide for yourself if it needs to be talked about. If it does need to be talked about, I think that you will be in a much better place to do that having gone through this process. I mean, if you compare the way that you would have likely led that conversation if you had started the moment you got triggered, if you just reacted in that moment. Comparing that with the the kind of conversation you're likely to have on the other side of this process, it's like chalk and cheese. There's no comparison there because you're going to have so much more available to you by way of your own inner resources to lead that conversation in a way that is, you know, empathetic and relationally oriented and considering their perspective as well as your own, all of those things.
[00:24:40]:
So decide if you need to have that conversation. Consider what you need. Right? I think that we go into that conversation, we just blurt out, you hurt me, or I didn't like the way you said that, or something that just stops there. And I think that if we can lead that conversation by saying, hey, I noticed before that when x y zed thing happened, I felt a bit hurt, or I felt a bit rejected, or I felt a bit dismissed, and I recognize that that, you know, probably wasn't your intention. You were probably just and you can guess at what a more generous intention might have been. You were probably just distracted, or you were probably just a bit tired or whatever. Right? Something that is not, you are a villain and you're out to get me. But it had this effect on me, and I'd really appreciate it if going forward, you could do something else, right, and make a request of of how things could be different next time.
[00:25:37]:
So I think that if you can do that, you're going to be so much better placed to navigate these moments of trigger in a way that actually leads you closer, because as challenging as triggers can be, they're actually a really beautiful opportunity for insight and growth, because they point us to where there is still residue within us, where there's still unhealed stuff, where there are still sensitivities that maybe need some attention, that need some time. And when we have more capacity and we have the tools to deal with them in this emotionally mature, self caring way, we can actually create a repair opportunity there. Because if I get triggered by something and I feel dismissed and invalidated, and I'm able to identify that in a more nuanced, thoughtful way, and then I'm able to communicate that to my partner, and I'm able to not only share that that's how I felt, but request in a balanced, reasonable way that he do something differently next time, or could he be more considerate of that? And I'm able to deliver that in a way that he can actually hear it, and that he's likely to be able to take that and action it or implement it, then I've actually given myself a really beautiful gift there, because it's less likely that I am going to feel invalidated and dismissed next time. I've given my system a new experience whereby when I'm feeling invalidated and dismissed, that can be actually heard by someone, and we can create a new way going forward. So as much as no one likes getting triggered, but when you develop these tools, you can actually turn those moments of trigger into an opportunity both to deepen your relationship with yourself, to heal parts of you that may be still holding on to old pain or wounding, and also to deepen your relationship with someone else, because part of being in a relationship relationships are incredibly powerful at bringing up our triggers. They will do that. That is not in and of itself a problem. In fact, it's something that you should expect of your relationships.
[00:27:40]:
But really, the difference in a healing relationship is that you're able to take those, and really handle them with care and find a way forward. That you can create a new experience rather than reinforcing the old way which tells you that people don't care about me, or people are going to hurt me, or people always breach trust or whatever it might be. We want to recognize the old story, see when it arises, but then carry it into a new story and that's really where the healing lies. So I hope that this has been a helpful deep dive into working through triggers. As I said, don't forget to download that PDF if you would like it. It's just little one pager, so you can keep it on your phone, keep it handy, or maybe you want to print it out and stick it on your mirror or something, whatever works for you. But it's just a little go to guide that will step you through that process, so that when you are triggered, you have something to reference. And I think, again, even the the act of referring to something, even the act of of having that, allows you to steer yourself towards a new experience rather than just, you know, letting the horse bolt and carry you off into the old way, which might be really reactive and lashing out or out, or snapping back, or sulking or pouting, or whatever your go to is when you're triggered.
[00:28:54]:
Just having the intention to do things differently is a step in the right direction. So hopefully this has been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews, leave feedback. Also a reminder that all of these episodes are being uploaded to YouTube, so if you are someone who likes watching on YouTube, it would be super helpful for me if you could head on over there and like and subscribe as I'm trying to grow the channel there and grow the podcast on YouTube. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:29:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, attachment styles, emotional triggers, emotional triggers in relationships, managing triggers, body-based approach, structured process for triggers, self-trust in relationships, relationship safety, rational brain offline, emotional responses, defensive reactions, regrettable reactions, PDF cheat sheet, Byron Bay retreats, Sydney workshops, personal development, self-worth, attachment healing, discerning issues, processing emotions, empathic communication, balanced requests, old stories of distrust, emotional maturity, self-care tools, physiological responses, nervous system regulation, deep breathing techniques
5 Signs You're Ready For a Relationship
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
How do you know if you're ready for a relationship? Perhaps you've asked yourself this question — and in today's episode, that's what we're exploring. While I don't believe we ever reach some objective place of being "healed enough" to enter a relationship, I do believe there are certain indicators we can look out for — signs that we're in a strong place mentally and emotionally, which will set us up for the best possible chance at finding and building a healthy partnership.
Five Signs You're Ready for a New Relationship
Embarking on a new romantic journey can be both exciting and daunting, especially after a period of healing and self-reflection post-breakup. How do you truly know when you're ready to step back into the dating world? While there's no magic formula or universal timeline to indicate readiness, there are some signs that can suggest you're prepared for a new relationship. Here are five key indicators to gauge if you're in a good place to start a new chapter romantically.
1. You're No Longer Obsessing About Your Ex
One of the clearest signs that you might be ready for a new relationship is that thoughts of your ex no longer consume you. If you can think about your past relationship without an overwhelming surge of emotions like anger, sadness, or regret, it shows you've processed much of your emotional baggage. This process varies for everyone; for some, it might take months, while others may need years. The key is reaching a point where your ex no longer holds significant emotional power over you. It's about finding a neutral ground where memories of your past relationship don't trigger intense emotional turmoil.
2. You've Learned the Lessons of Your Previous Relationship
Every relationship, regardless of its outcome, offers valuable lessons. Understanding what went wrong in your past relationship, and recognising your role in it, is crucial for growth. This involves dedicating time to introspection and perhaps even therapy or courses designed to aid in personal reflection. Asking yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this breakup?" and "How did my actions contribute to the relationship's ending?" helps in gaining clarity and ensuring you don't repeat the same patterns. Being clear about what didn't work before paves the way for healthier dynamics in future relationships.
3. You Know What You're Looking For
It's vital to have a clear understanding of your values, non-negotiables, and deal-breakers before diving back into the dating pool. Often, people with anxious attachment styles tend to seek connection indiscriminately, prioritising the need for companionship over finding a truly compatible partner. Knowing what you want – and, just as importantly, what you don't want – in a partner provides a strong foundation. This clarity ensures that you don't settle or make compromises that will lead to dissatisfaction down the line. It empowers you to make intentional choices and aligns your dating efforts with a purpose, avoiding the pitfalls of settling for anyone who shows interest.
4. You Feel Comfortable Being Alone
While it's natural to prefer being in a relationship, approaching dating from a place of loneliness can lead to unhealthy dynamics. Feeling content and fulfilled with your own company is a sign of emotional maturity and readiness. This doesn't mean you have to fully embrace the idea of being single forever, but rather that you have cultivated a life that feels rich and satisfying on its own. Focusing on your hobbies, friendships, and personal growth can create a life of abundance, making you less likely to enter a relationship out of desperation or fear of being alone. When you enjoy your life as it is, any new relationship becomes an enhancement rather than a necessity.
5. You're Embodying Your Best Self
Entering a new relationship from a place of strength involves ensuring that you are embodying your best self. This means maintaining healthy habits, taking care of your physical and emotional well-being, and feeling good about the life you're leading. Reflect on the traits you admire in a potential partner and strive to cultivate those attributes within yourself. Self-discipline and a commitment to personal growth not only make you feel confident and authentic but also naturally attract partners who resonate with that positive energy. When you are at your best, you set a standard for the type of relationship you wish to cultivate, ensuring healthier and more fulfilling romantic connections.
Conclusion
Determining readiness for a new relationship is a nuanced process, but paying attention to these signs can provide valuable insights. Moving on from your ex, learning from past relationships, knowing what you want, feeling comfortable alone, and embodying your best self are all important factors that indicate emotional preparedness. By focusing on these aspects, you set the stage for healthier, more meaningful relationships that align with your true self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Are you able to think about your ex-partner without experiencing strong emotional reactions? Reflect on what this might mean for your healing process.
How have your past relationships shaped your understanding of your own relationship patterns and behaviours? Can you identify specific lessons you've learned?
What are your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship? Have you ever compromised on these in the past, and what were the outcomes?
Do you find yourself feeling desperate for connection when you're single? How might this impact the quality of people you attract and the relationships you build?
In what ways do you currently cultivate a fulfilling and joyful life on your own? Are there areas where you feel you could improve in terms of self-care and contentment?
What traits do you find most attractive in a partner, and how well do you embody these traits yourself? Reflect on what steps you could take to align more closely with these qualities.
Do you feel confident and comfortable being yourself, alone or in a relationship? What changes, if any, would you need to make to fully embody your best self?
How do you balance your needs for connection with maintaining healthy boundaries and self-respect in your dating life?
Have you taken time to intentionally reflect on your previous relationship experiences through practices like journaling or therapy? What insights have you gained?
When considering new relationships, do you prioritize how someone complements your life and values, or do you find yourself more focused on whether they show interest in you? How might shifting your focus influence your dating experiences?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to know if you are ready for a new relationship. So this is one that I'll often get asked when people have been through a breakup and they've taken some time, how do I know that I'm ready to date again? How do I know that I'm sufficiently healed? Which is not language that I would use, but it's often the way the question is phrased to me. What are the signs that you are ready to re enter the world of dating and potentially exploring new connections with someone? So I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on that, things that you can look for. I mean, at the outset, I'll say, I don't think there's any hard and fast rule. I don't think there's some objective point of readiness that suddenly you'll wake up and go, today's the day I'm ready. Everything about my previous relationships is behind me, and I am undeniably unequivocally ready as of today.
[00:01:24]:
I think it's a little bit more nuanced than that, of course. But that being said, I do think that there are some things that we can look at and look for in terms of the work that we've done and passage of time, how we're feeling within ourselves, that can point to whether it would be something that we could explore. And you may find that you feel ready, and then you take that step, and you start exploring new connections, and then you actually decide, no, I maybe want to take some more time for myself, and that's fine too. None of this stuff is set in stone, and you are allowed to experiment and explore through trial and error. So all of that being said, I will be sharing 5 signs that you are ready for a new relationship. So hopefully that will give you a bit of a yardstick or or something to to measure your progress against, if we want to put it in those terms. Okay. Before we dive into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:02:18]:
As you would have heard me share in the past couple of weeks, I am running a retreat in Australia, in Byron Bay, in May next year. We still have a few early bird spots available, but they are going quickly. So if you're interested in joining us, please do head to my website and submit a short application. It's not anything too rigorous. It's just to make sure that it's a good fit. I would love to see you there if you are interested in doing some really deep transformative work on all of this stuff, building self worth, really stepping into the next version of yourself with intentionality and clarity, and doing so in a beautiful setting with like minded people and myself, I would love to see you there. Likewise, I am running a workshop in Sydney, a weekend intensive at the end of November. So you can sort of think about it as my secure self challenge condensed into 2 days.
[00:03:13]:
So if you are in or near Sydney and you'd like to do 2 full days of coaching with me in a small group, I would love to see you there. You can also jump onto that on my website, and there's no need to apply or anything. You can just sign up there and then. Okay. And last but not least sorry, there's a few announcements today last but not least, I have a new breakup quiz on my website. It's actually not very new. It's been around for a few weeks now, but I keep forgetting to talk about it on the podcast. Look, quizzes are a little bit silly.
[00:03:41]:
I'll be the first to admit that. But what they allow me to do is understand a bit more about where you're at, and this breakup quiz is which breakup stage are you in. So I've got, different guides, breakup guides based on what breakup stage you're in that can offer you a bit more insight and direct you to further free resources based on that. So if you're interested in taking my new breakup quiz, you can also do that via my website. Okay. Announcement's over. Let's talk about 5 signs that you're ready for a new relationship. Okay.
[00:04:10]:
So the first one, hopefully obvious, you're no longer obsessing about your ex. You're not really in the depths of all of the emotional residue, the grief, the sting of thinking about them, the heartache, all of those things that, by the way, are very, very normal after a breakup. We probably want to have processed a lot of that and allowed for the passage of some time before we start exploring new connections with other people. I don't want to put any sort of arbitrary time limit on that because I think there can be so much variation. Some people do a lot of their grieving while still in the relationship, and you sort of know the end is coming, and so you start emotionally detaching before actually pulling the trigger or before the relationship ends. Whereas other people might be really blindsided by the end of their relationship and take much longer to process that it's actually over. So it's really not about a strict passage of time so much as, how do you feel when you think about your ex? When you think about the relationship, does that still bring up a really strong emotional response in your body? Do you feel sick thinking about them? All of those things might be signs that you haven't adequately processed that or not enough time has passed. So a good sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you can think about your ex and feel relatively neutral.
[00:05:33]:
You don't have to feel absolutely nothing. You don't have to love the idea of them dating someone new, for example. I think it's normal to feel maybe a little bit of discomfort around that. But broadly speaking, it's not going to send you into a tailspin. You don't freak out panic. You're not obsessing about what they're up to, or how they're feeling, what they're thinking, are they missing me? All of that sort of stuff has kind of fallen away, and you're able to look at what happened with a level of detachment, and you're not really feeling that very strong emotional tether to your ex. Okay. The second sign, and sort of flows on from the first, is you feel like you've learned the lessons of your previous relationship.
[00:06:13]:
So do you have clarity around what led to the breakdown of that relationship and what your role was in it? I think it's really easy to just skim over that and go, oh, it just didn't work out, or, oh, that was such a dysfunctional relationship, or it was all their fault because they were avoidant or something like that. But that invariably misses the whole and really skips over an opportunity for us to learn a lot about ourselves and, you know, our part in in how that story unfolded because we do play a role, even if we would like to think that, you know, if only they had done things differently, if only they had changed, then everything would have been fine. If only they had met my needs, then we would have been happy together. I don't think that that's ever true, and we generally have more of a hand in things than we like to admit. So I think a really big piece in the moving on process and the becoming ready for something new is learning the lessons of our previous relationship. So that might look like doing that with a therapist. It might just be journaling. It might be some other sort of reflective practice.
[00:07:22]:
It might be a course. I have a breakup course that takes you through all of these things. But it's got to be some sort of intentional reflection where we're going, what did happen there, and how did I contribute to it? What led to things being unsatisfactory or not feeling good? Where was I out of alignment? Where was the relationship maybe out of alignment with my values or my needs? Where did I not speak up? Where did I not advocate for myself? Where did I let things go on too long when I wasn't really comfortable with them? All of those things are really good information. And again, I think if we just sort of look at it at a very bird's eye kind of view and go, oh, yeah. It was bad. That relationship didn't work. We're missing so much of the richness in so many of the lessons that actually lie in the detail of of what happened and, you know, how it all unfolded. So make sure that you've dedicated some time to really reflecting, kind of deliberately and with a view to learning the lessons on that relationship and its ending.
[00:08:22]:
Okay. The next sign that you are maybe ready to explore a new relationship is you know what you're looking for. My goodness. I cannot emphasize this enough. You're clear in your values and your non negotiables and your deal breakers. Have clear standards for yourself and know what they are. Okay? I can't tell you how common it is, particularly among folks with anxious attachment, which is the bulk of who I work with. People just going into dating with the sole objective, whether they realize it or not, the sole objective of, like, I am seeking connection, and I want that connection with anyone who wants me or shows interest in me.
[00:09:02]:
Full stop. End of criteria. That is not enough, and it is gonna lead you astray every time. So know what you're looking for. Realize that, like, the dating process is as much about you assessing the other person for compatibility, for values alignment, as it is about making them like you. It's not just about making anyone and everyone like you. That is our insecure, unworthy people place a part driving the bus, and that's not a good energy or place to be approaching new relationships from because it's going to lead us to to build something on shaky foundations. So instead, really get clear and do this before you meet someone.
[00:09:40]:
Do this before there's someone in front of you that you're really excited about and you start making excuses and throwing all of this stuff by the wayside because of the connection and the chemistry. Have clarity for yourself. Again, do this, like, as a reflective practice in between relationships. What am I looking for? What are my values? How do I want my relationships to feel? Right? What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? What are my limits? Things that are absolutely not okay for me. Things I am available for and not available for. When you can do that in a more objective sense, when you're feeling really grounded and confident in yourself, then when you go into a relationship or you're exploring a connection, if these things pop up, things that do cross those lines for you, you're much better placed to know that because you've already got those parameters set for yourself rather than, like, oh, I'm really excited about this person, but, you know, they said that we were gonna meet up, and it's 4 PM on the day that we're meant to meet up, and now I haven't heard from them. I wonder if something's wrong. Start making excuses.
[00:10:45]:
Start doing mental acrobatics to try and justify it because you're excited about them and you've got those butterflies and blah blah blah. No. Be very clear for yourself. What am I available for? What kinds of connection? How do I wanna feel? If I'm feeling unsure and uncertain and anxious and doubting whether they're interested in me, all of those things, that can very quickly, when you have the clarity, go, oh, yeah. This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm actually not available for connections of this nature. Thank you. Next.
[00:11:12]:
Right? So do that work in advance, and then you're gonna be much better placed to confidently say no to the things that are not in alignment, and that is gonna free up a lot of time and energy for you. It will preserve your sanity, and it will prevent you from going back into old cycles that are obviously not in service of of what you're truly looking for. Okay. Got a bit passionate about that one. That turned into a bit of a soapbox. Anyway, the next one is that you feel broadly comfortable being alone. Now, I'm not going to say that you have to totally love being single and alone, and you're fine to never be in a relationship again. I think it is totally fine to have a preference for being in a relationship.
[00:11:50]:
I certainly do. But if you are wanting to date again because you are desperately lonely, and you feel like there's a gaping hole in your life, and every day you're comparing yourself to people in a relationship and feeling terribly sorry for yourself, all of that, not a great place to be dating from. So try and build a life in this interim period, this period of transition. Try and build a life that feels good to you, that feels full and rewarding and joyful and nourishing. Really focus on yourself and go all in on very deliberately cultivating that. Because I think, yes, it's beautiful to be in a relationship, but there are trade offs there, and and being single for a period gives you this gift of, like, total selfishness in the best way. So when you don't have to think about someone else all the time and accommodate that and make compromises, you get to really design a life that feels wonderfully well fitted, well suited to you and you only. So make the most of that.
[00:12:57]:
Really go all in on that, and I think that will allow you to then feel really good about your life as it is, and welcome someone into that when the time comes from a place of abundance rather than scarcity, from a place of, like, my life's really great. How could I enhance it by a connection that feels aligned? Rather than, my life feels drab and lonely and sad. I need a relationship to act as some sort of balm or crutch to make me feel better. Again, we can see where that would lead us, and it tends not to be into very balanced or healthy dynamics. Okay. And the last but not least sign that you might be ready for a new relationship is you feel like you're embodying your best self. Now, this will mean different things to different people, but, you know, are you being healthy? Have you got good habits at the moment? Are you showing up to your life in a way that feels like you're really putting your best foot forward? Whatever habits are healthy habits for you, are they all well in place? Do you have self discipline? All of the traits that you would find attractive in a partner is maybe a good way of thinking about it. Are you embodying those things? Are you taking great care of yourself? Are you feeling good in your skin? All of this stuff is going to allow you to go to a new relationship or dating, exploring those connections from a place of kind of easeful, natural self confidence and authenticity.
[00:14:24]:
Again, if you're in a really wobbly patch with your self esteem and your self worth, I don't think that that's the best place to be approaching dating from. And I think there's a lot of value in taking some time to really go all in on yourself and go, okay, what would I need to do? What changes might I need to make in order to improve how I'm feeling about myself? And again, that will look different for different people. You will know what that means in the context of you and your life. But, you know, if you're in a bit of a funk, if you're really enacting old bad habits, if you're not taking great care of yourself, that's probably not going to attract the kind of partner that you really want, and it's it's not a great energy to be approaching a new relationship from. Because I think if we start with bad habits and we start with a a less than ideal energy within ourselves, then it's much more likely that we're going to be dragged down into something heavier by a new relationship rather than, as I said, like, finding someone that matches that really healthy, positive energy that we're embodying and then enhancing that and multiplying that through the relationship. So what would it take for you to be embodying the best version of yourself or a really positive, healthy expression of you before you go into this dating world? Figure out what that looks like, and then start putting those habits in place, putting those structures in place so that you can be accountable to that vision for yourself, because that is going to be the thing that allows you to attract the kind of partner that you really want and the kind of relationship that you really want. So figure out what does my best self do, how do they behave, what do they avoid, and start embodying that as much as you possibly can. Okay.
[00:16:16]:
I hope that that was helpful, those five signs that you might be ready for a new relationship. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave feedback. I read every response, so I'm always very touched by your kind words and support. So thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:16:37]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, On Attachment podcast, breakups, new relationship readiness, dating again, emotional healing, attachment styles, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, signs of readiness, emotional detachment, reflective practices, relationship lessons, anxious attachment, setting boundaries, self-worth, dating standards, intentional reflection, values clarity, self-care habits, post-breakup recovery, relationship workshop, Byron Bay retreat, Sydney intensive, self-discipline, embodying best self, breakup quiz, emotional processing
How to Stop Obsessing About Someone
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
In this episode, we’re tackling the challenging topic of obsessive thinking about someone and how to break free from that mental loop that causes suffering.
We’ll explore different approaches, including Byron Katie’s The Work as a top-down method for challenging your thoughts, somatic tools to discharge anxiety from the body as a bottom-up approach, as well as the broader work of addressing the insecurities and wounds that often fuel obsessive thinking.
By addressing your thoughts, calming your body, and working through your deeper emotional wounds, you can find peace and clarity in your relationships.
How to Stop Obsessing About Someone: Breaking the Cycle of Rumination
Obsessing over someone, whether due to romantic interest, rejection, or any other interaction, can be draining and counterproductive. For those with anxious attachment styles or heightened anxiety levels, these obsessive thoughts can feel overwhelming and inescapable. However, learning to manage and diffuse this cycle of rumination can significantly improve emotional well-being and mental clarity.
Recognising the Cycle of Obsession
Understanding the nature of obsessive thinking is the first step towards breaking free from it. Often, these thoughts stem from feelings of anxiety or insecurity, leading us to fixate on people or situations in an attempt to process or resolve those emotions. Whether it’s a minor social interaction or a significant relationship dynamic, these thoughts pull our energy and focus, often exacerbating feelings of stress and anxiety.
Questioning the Validity of Your Thoughts
One effective technique to combat obsessive thinking is drawn from Byron Katie's "The Work," which involves four crucial questions:
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely certain that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe this thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
By applying these questions to your obsessive thoughts, you can create a mental and emotional distance. Questioning the veracity of your thoughts helps dismantle the power they hold over you, allowing you to see them as transient and not necessarily reflective of reality.
Shifting from Victim to Empowered Observer
Obsessive thoughts can often make us feel like helpless victims of our own minds. Shifting perspective from a powerless participant to an empowered observer of your thoughts can be incredibly liberating. Visualising thoughts as clouds passing by can help to reduce their intensity, and rather than engaging deeply with them, learning to witness them impassively can break the cycle of obsession.
Addressing Underlying Anxiety
Obsessive thoughts are frequently a manifestation of underlying anxiety, which is a bodily experience more than a purely cognitive one. Recognising this connection can be a game-changer. Anxiety often places us in a heightened state of fight or flight, leading to a faster-paced, more intense thought process.
Physical activities like brisk walks, runs, or even simply shaking out your limbs can help discharge this anxious energy from your body. By addressing the physical root of anxiety, you can reduce the mental swirl of obsessive thoughts.
Cultivating Self-Compassion and Healing
At the heart of many obsessive thoughts lies a wound—whether it’s a sense of unworthiness, fear of rejection, or some deep-seated insecurity. Healing these wounds involves a longer, ongoing process of cultivating self-compassion and working towards greater emotional security.
When you feel secure in yourself and possess a robust sense of self-worth, the need to obsessively analyse others' behaviours diminishes. This doesn’t happen overnight but is a gradual shift resulting from consistent inner work and self-reflection.
Integrating Tools and Practices
Combining both cognitive and somatic approaches can offer a holistic way to manage obsessive thinking. Using the questioning technique from Byron Katie along with physical activities to manage anxiety creates a well-rounded strategy. Ensuring that you have these tools readily available provides quick access to self-regulation whenever obsessive thoughts start creeping in.
The Role of Greater Emotional Security
Over time, developing emotional security naturally reduces the tendency to obsess. When we are clear in who we are and compassionate towards ourselves and others, the stories of victim and villain lose their appeal. We begin to see situations with more nuance and less black-and-white thinking.
Emotional security fosters a balanced approach to relationships and interactions. Confidence in oneself makes the ‘need’ to obsess over others less pressing, freeing up mental and emotional space for healthier engagement.
Conclusion
Breaking free from obsessive thinking is a multi-faceted process, involving both cognitive reframing and addressing underlying anxiety. By questioning the validity of your thoughts, tending to your body's signals of stress, and working towards greater emotional security, you can significantly reduce the grip of obsession and rumination on your life. In time, this holistic approach can lead to a more balanced, peaceful, and empowered state of being.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself feeling imprisoned by your own thoughts? Reflect on the ways in which this impacts your daily life and overall well-being.
How do you react when you start to believe thoughts that cause you suffering? Consider how you typically respond emotionally and behaviourally to these thoughts.
Have you tried the 4 questions by Byron Katie from this episode? What insights did you gain from exploring whether your thoughts are true and how you'd feel without them?
When you notice yourself obsessing about a person or situation, what physical sensations do you experience in your body? How might this relate to your anxiety levels?
What are your current go-to strategies for self-soothing when you are feeling anxious? Reflect on which methods have been most effective for you and why.
How does the idea of being the observer of your thoughts, rather than experiencing them as absolute truth, resonate with you? How might this perspective shift affect your relationship with your thoughts?
Reflect on a recent experience where you felt rejected or hurt. How did your pre-existing insecurities play a role in magnifying this feeling?
How might moving your body in times of stress or anxiety help to alleviate obsessive thinking? Consider the types of physical activities you enjoy and how you can incorporate them into your routine.
In what ways do you find yourself making victim stories about situations or people in your life? What do you notice about the patterns these stories follow?
How does compassion for yourself and others influence your tendency to ruminate? Reflect on the role self-compassion plays in interrupting negative thought cycles.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save 50% on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:00]:
In today's episode, we're talking about how to stop the endless cycles of obsessing and ruminating about someone or something. So if you're someone with anxious attachment or any sort of level of anxiety, which I think will capture a significant chunk of my listeners, I think this is gonna be a really helpful episode. I'm gonna be sharing a few reframes and techniques, things that I use regularly that allow me to feel free from the thoughts that's been around in my head. And I think that the more we can release ourselves from this attachment to our thoughts as truth, the more peace we have in our lives, the more control we have over our emotions, and the way that we respond and react to things in our lives, is an incredibly valuable thing to practice and hone our capacity for observing our thoughts, being the witness of our thoughts rather than experiencing them as true and all encompassing. So often I hear from people who more or less feel like their thoughts are in control and they are at the mercy of them. This sense of I can't, I can't do anything about it.
[00:01:15]:
I can't help it feeling like a really helpless victim of their own thoughts, almost like they're imprisoned by their thoughts. And I think that's a very common experience and one that can really create a lot of suffering in our lives. And so today's episode, I'm gonna be sharing a few different ways that you can interrupt those cycles and really step into a more empowered place, one of agency, where you are the observer of your thoughts and you don't have to pay so much attention to them. And it doesn't feel like your thoughts are running the show, which I think is very liberating to reach a place where you can watch your thoughts float by like a cloud in the sky rather than feeling like it's this big, heavy, true thing that you have to obsess on. And particularly, I think when you're obsessing about someone else, again, that can feel quite crazy making, I think. And whether it's someone who you're interested in romantically or someone who rejected you, we can so easily make ourselves the victim. And I think it's very juicy and seductive to make ourselves the victim of a situation. And the stories that spring from that are incredibly tempting and can really draw us in, but inevitably keep us stuck in a mode that is not really conducive to our well-being.
[00:02:39]:
So I'm gonna be talking about that today. Now before I do, I just wanted to share, you may have heard me say last week or seen on Instagram that I am holding a retreat here in Australia, in beautiful Byron Bay, in May 2025, so May next year. We've secured the most incredible venue, we went and visited this place last month, and it is just amazing. It's gonna be 3 days, 3 nights, packed with workshops, lots of connection, like minded people in really the most beautiful setting. So if that appeals to you, early bird registration is now open. You can apply by heading directly to my website, or there will also be a link in the show notes. There are a limited number of early bird spots, a number of which have already been taken, so definitely don't delay if you are wanting to join us. I would apply sooner rather than later.
[00:03:30]:
Second announcement, in a similar vein, very excited to share that I'm also holding a 2 day weekend workshop in Sydney at the end of November, so 30th November, 1st December, so that's just a daytime thing on a Saturday and a Sunday. Again, I'll pop all the details in the show notes. If you'd like to come along for a weekend workshop with me, I would love to see you there as well. For any Sydneysiders or folks who want to come to Sydney, check that out as well. Okay, so let's talk about how to stop obsessing about someone or something. Now, I think it's important to say at the outset that when we are obsessing about someone or something and this is so broad in its application because as I said in the introduction, it could be a person who rejected us, it could be an interaction at the coffee shop and we start obsessing over whether we said something weird and the other person thought we were a freak. It could be the person who cuts us off in traffic. It could be something really big in our relationship.
[00:04:27]:
It could be a family dynamic. It could be something about work. There's just so many different arenas in our life from the very minor to the very major where our thoughts can run wild and tell stories and lead us to swirl around in obsession and rumination in a way that's really unhealthy and draining and counterproductive. And it really does pull our emotion and our energy in the direction of all of those things, anxiety and stress and shame sometimes worry these emotions that take up a lot of space within us and prevent us from feeling well and being able to show up as our most confident authentic selves because we're so knee deep in all of that thinking. I recently saw a quote which I forget who it was from, but it was to the effect of, most every spiritual tradition could be boiled down to the practice of letting go. And I think that that's very true and maybe in our modern Western world, we pay so much attention to our thoughts and we can be very individually focused and it all feels very big and important. Whereas a lot of spiritual traditions, Eastern traditions have recognized the mind as being very unreliable and our thoughts as being just like mindless, endless chatter that will often, if we believe those thoughts, leave us feeling worse off. So I just wanted to sort of frame the conversation there.
[00:06:05]:
And what I wanted to offer you as a first tool is not actually from me, but from Byron Katie, if if you've been in one of my programs in the past couple of months, you might've heard me speak about this. I've been really revisiting Byron Katie's work since re encountering it in another book that I was reading. But she has these 4 questions that she puts to people when they notice that their thoughts are causing them suffering. So again, this is very broad in its application, but, you know, an example might be, my partner is so selfish and he doesn't care about me. Right? I do everything. My partner doesn't pull his weight. He just doesn't care about me at all. If he cared about me, you know, he would do x y zed thing.
[00:06:52]:
So that kind of story that we tell ourselves that again is so seductive and we can really, if we allow it to just run amok inside us, it is so powerful and so persuasive and inevitably alters our emotional state in a negative way. So her 4 questions are, the first one is, is it true? Just simply yes, no, is it true? So this question of my partner doesn't care about me, is it true? Now you might say, yes, it's true. Okay. The second question is, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? And usually even if you've been confident at question 1, that it's true, you might start to falter a little on question 2, because absolute certainty, particularly when it's about someone else's emotional state or something. So often our stories are, no one cares about me or I'm not good enough or no one's ever gonna love me or people can't be trusted. These big sweeping generalizations and judgments that we make. And when we ask this follow-up question of, can you be absolutely certain that it's true? That's a very high threshold. And we start to realize, okay, maybe maybe I can't quite assert total absolute certainty about the truth of this thought.
[00:08:03]:
So going back to the example of my partner doesn't care about me, you might say, okay, I can't be absolutely certain that it's true. Then the third question is how do you react when you believe the thought? So what does it do to me to believe this thought? Who do I become? What does it do to my body? What does it do to my emotional state? So, again, when I believe that my partner doesn't care about me, how do I react when I believe that? Maybe I get really angry and hurt and rejected, and I start protesting or feeling sorry for myself, or becoming resentful and indignant and all of these things really righteous. That's what it does to me to believe this thing. How do I react when I believe that? Maybe I lash out at them, maybe I get really passive aggressive. All of these things that flow from me believing this thought, this judgment that my partner doesn't care about me. And the 4th question, which is so beautiful, is who would I be without the thought? Right? Who would I be without the thought that my partner doesn't care about me? If I were to just sort of take that off, pluck that out from my mind and put it to the side, who would I be? What would be possible for me if I were to let go of that thought and not be carrying it around? And almost invariably for me at least, when I ask those 3rd and 4th questions, the lightness that I feel in my being is almost instantaneous, I feel the shift. How do I react when I believe the thought and who would I be without it? Is a really, really powerful circuit break for me at least. So these four questions from Byron Katie's The Work to me are a really very powerful way to shift out of obsessing and ruminating.
[00:09:43]:
Because that obsession of rumination, it needs a circuit break. It needs something to interrupt it because otherwise it's like a whirlpool that just sucks you deeper and deeper. Because the thought affects how we feel in the body and how we feel in the body reinforces the thought and so on and so forth, and we just keep spiraling. So having these questions that you can reach for and being really familiar with them and just going, wait, I need to check myself here. I need to interrupt this pattern and run myself through this. It just frees up so much space and so much possibility in a way that for me at least is very, very liberating. So that's the first thing that I want to offer you insofar as stopping this cycle of obsession and rumination. The next key piece is recognizing that oftentimes obsession and rumination being stuck in your head overthinking is a function of anxiety and anxiety is a body experience.
[00:10:41]:
Right? So as much as all of those obsessive thoughts appear to arise as our thinking mind, and so we try and solve them from that place. And granted, running through those 4 questions is a top down approach that is using more cognitive entry point to shift our thoughts. Another way to look at it, and you can use these alongside each other, is a more bottom up approach, which is going, oh, if I'm having all of these obsessive thoughts, I am probably in a stress state in my body. I'm probably in my sympathetic nervous system, which is where we are when we're in our fight or flight mode, or we're very mobilized and everything speeds up. And I think that will be a very familiar state for most people with more anxious attachment patterns or fearful avoidant as well. So spending a lot of time in that mode that feels very intense and fast paced. And from that, you can start to go, okay, it is less about the content of the thoughts and more about the fact that I'm in the mode of obsessive thinking that tells me what I need to know, which is I need to do something with my body. Right? So rather than engaging with the content of the thoughts, which is more the approach we took in the first one with Byron Katie's questions, we can just go, look at me.
[00:11:57]:
I'm in this obsessive mode. I've been scrolling my phone thinking about this person or that interaction or this thing that's gonna happen in the future for the last half an hour. I'm clearly feeling anxious. What do I need to offer to my body to shift some of that anxious energy to move and mobilize some of that anxious energy so that I can discharge it? And oftentimes a byproduct of that is that our obsessive thoughts melt away. So if you've ever heard me talk about, you know, in my anxious attachment course, we do a whole module on nervous system regulation and tools and self soothing. And there's a great quote from a woman called Deb Dana, which is that your state creates your story, meaning the state of your nervous system is determinative of the content of your thoughts, the way you perceive the world. And so when you are in a state of anxiety, a felt experience of stress in the body, it bleeds into your thoughts, and really taints your perception of the world around you and your relationships and yourself. So state creates story and then the story reinforces the state.
[00:13:07]:
As I said, we can really spiral there. So rather than trying to change the story first, we can try and change our state and trust that our story will then reflect if we can bring our body into more of a state of regulation. So doing things like moving your body, I think for anxiety in particular, when you've got a lot of energy moving through you, it can be futile to just try and calm down, to try and regulate by doing something like meditation. If your brain is going at a 1000000 miles an hour, sometimes that's just not the right medicine. It might just not be what you need. So really good things for anxiety, moving your body in one form or another. So it might be going for a brisk walk. It might be going for a run.
[00:13:51]:
It might just be like getting up and doing jumping jacks or shaking or something, shaking your arms and legs, going to the gym, lifting weights. Like, any movement that takes you out of your head and puts you into your body allows that energy that is currently being expended on obsessive thinking to be channeled into something that actually allows that energy to move and discharge rather than just swirl around. So that sort of more somatic approach, that bottom up approach is another really powerful way to stop that obsessing about someone. Okay. And the last thing that I'll say about this, how to stop obsessing about someone, and this is not a quick fix to be fair. It's a broader you know, piece of work that you'll do over, you know, weeks, months, years potentially. But recognizing that when we're obsessing about someone or something, it's almost always a product of some wounded part of us, some insecurity. And when we obsess about someone who rejected us, it's because we probably were already obsessing about some story of unworthiness or not good enoughness or some way in which we perceive ourselves to be defective.
[00:15:00]:
And so we just take someone else's behavior as an opportunity for us to keep reinforcing those painful stories. And so what you'll notice as you sort of do this work over a longer period of time to becoming more secure is that you will naturally be less prone to obsessing about things, about people, about situations. Because I think that that strategy, that pattern is a product of the insecure mind and body because it tends to spring from fear and stress and low self worth. And so I think when we become clearer in who we are, we have more self compassion, we have more compassion for others. That whole story of villain and victim, which I think is at the heart of a lot of rumination, it just becomes less seductive to us. It becomes less appealing. We start to see the world in more shades of gray, and we understand that everything is nuanced. And I think that over time, that tendency to just fixate on whatever it might be, that just becomes sort of diluted until it's no longer something that we find ourselves stuck in.
[00:16:13]:
And we have so many other tools and resources, and such a greater capacity to be with discomfort, that we don't tend to go down those mental rabbit holes anywhere near as often or to the same degree as we once did because of all of that other work. Like sort of just a, welcome byproduct, of doing that work to become more secure. So I hope that that has been helpful for you. As I said, these are all things that I have been practicing for some time and continue to lean on whenever I feel I need them, whenever I notice that part of me getting a bit noisy or chattery or trying to drag me into feeling like a victim and getting righteous and blaming everyone around me, which is not an energy that I like to inhabit. So when I notice myself going there, it's really helpful having these tools to quickly check myself and shift into a mode of being that feels clearer and more honest and more integral, and more empowered certainly for me at least. So I hope that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:29]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, anxiety, rumination, obsessive thoughts, emotional control, thought patterns, Byron Katie, victim mentality, self-soothing, nervous system regulation, stress state, sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight mode, emotional state, rejection, mindfulness, relationship dynamics, self-compassion, compassion for others, mental rabbit holes, insecure mind, self-worth, body experience, spiritual traditions, letting go, emotional spiral, negative emotions, cognitive approach, somatic approach, anxiety management, emotional well-being
3 Things You'll Notice in Your First Healthy Relationship
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
In this episode, we’re exploring three key things you’ll likely notice when you experience your first truly healthy relationship. While healthy relationships are often idealised, they still come with their own challenges.
We’ll discuss how they invite vulnerability, reveal where we may have been hiding behind dysfunction, and show us that even secure partners can be imperfect. Finally, we’ll talk about how conflict in a healthy relationship doesn’t disappear, but it feels safer and more productive.
Key Points Covered:
Vulnerability: When you're in a healthy dynamic, the absence of chaos can feel unfamiliar, and it may expose areas where you’ve avoided vulnerability by leaning on old, dysfunctional patterns.
Imperfection in Secure Partners: It’s easy to idealise secure partners as perfect, but it’s important to remember that they, too, are human. The difference is in how they respond to their imperfections and how you both handle those inevitable moments of frustration.
Safe Conflict: You’ll realise that disagreements can be handled with mutual respect and a sense of safety, where both partners feel heard and valued, even in moments of tension.
Entering Your First Healthy Relationship: What to Expect
Entering into a healthy relationship for the first time can feel like uncharted territory, especially if past experiences have been marred by dysfunction, high conflict, and insecurity. Yet, as you grow more secure within yourself and cultivate self-awareness, new patterns and challenges will inevitably arise.
Understanding what to expect can help you navigate this new landscape with grace and resilience. Here are three key things you might notice in your first healthy relationship or as you and your partner evolve together into a more secure, healthy dynamic.
Vulnerability: There's Nowhere to Hide
Healthy relationships bring a level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability that can be surprising, even confronting. In relationships marked by insecurity or dysfunction, there’s often a lot of blame and finger-pointing. It’s easy to attribute problems to your partner's behaviour, side-stepping your own areas where growth and honesty are needed.
When stepping into a healthy relationship, all those distractions melt away. You might find yourself feeling exposed in ways you weren't prepared for. This is particularly true if past relationships have seen you as the pursuer, always chasing after someone else's elusive commitment. Being with someone who is fully available and committed can mirror back your own fears or hesitations, illuminating the ways you may have been avoiding vulnerability.
The good news is that this level of openness can foster deeper, more authentic connections. But be prepared: it’s uncomfortable at first. Recognising that this discomfort is a natural part of building a genuine, intimate relationship can make this transition smoother.
Imperfections: Accepting the Whole Person
Even the most secure, wonderful partner is an imperfect human. In a healthy relationship, you might find that even the kindest and most empathetic partner can still disappoint you, have bad habits, or irritate you from time to time.
Many people hold onto an idealistic view that finding a secure partner will eliminate all relational challenges. While a healthy partner may offer kindness, reliability, and empathy, they are still human. They might forget things, act irritable, or have quirks that can be annoying. The idea of never settling might sound appealing, but real relationships require compromise.
Instead of designing a partner in your mind, focus on core values and traits that are non-negotiable, and prepare to be flexible about the smaller details. Embracing this messy, real-world version of love leads to a more grounded and resilient relationship.
Conflicts: Healthy Relationships Have Them Too
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, including the healthiest ones. The key difference in a secure relationship lies in how conflicts are approached, managed, and ultimately repaired. Insecure relationships often make conflict feel existentially threatening, as every argument might seem like it could end the relationship. This high-stakes environment leads to conflict avoidance and unresolved tension.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts can be addressed safely and respectfully. Disagreements can be aired and frustrations expressed without fear of the relationship crumbling. Skillful conflict resolution and genuine attempts at repair can even strengthen connections. Being able to share concerns and have them validated and handled with care revolutionises our imprint of relational safety.
Healthy relationships allow for tension and anger to coexist with an underlying sense of security. The relationship's foundation remains firm, even during rough patches. Embracing this reality reduces the fear around conflict and fosters a more open, honest connection between partners.
Embracing the Journey
Embarking on your first healthy relationship journey can be both exciting and daunting. Remember these points: vulnerability is a sign of depth, imperfections are to be expected, and conflict is normal but can be managed constructively. These elements are not signs of failure but rather indicators of a living, evolving connection between two real people.
As you navigate this path, keep in mind that the strength of a relationship isn't measured by the absence of problems but by the commitment to face and resolve them together. This perspective shift can bring a sense of peace and confidence as you build and nurture a thriving, secure relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself hiding aspects of yourself in past relationships? What did that look like for you, and how did it affect the relationship?
Do you have any fears or anxieties around being vulnerable in a relationship? How do you think a healthy relationship might challenge those fears?
Reflect on your ideal partner. Are there any unrealistic standards that you might be holding onto? How can you embrace the imperfections in a real partner?
Think about a time when you experienced conflict in a relationship. How was it handled? How might conflict look different in a healthy, secure relationship?
Do you find yourself blaming past partners for issues in the relationship? How can you take responsibility for your own role in past conflicts?
What are some of the core traits and values you are looking for in a partner? Are you prepared to compromise on some of the less important aspects?
Do you have a history of pushing for commitment in relationships? How might being with someone who is equally committed bring up new challenges for you?
How do you usually handle disagreements or conflicts? In what ways can you approach conflict more constructively in a future healthy relationship?
Reflect on any previous experiences where conflict felt like a threat to the relationship. How can you build a sense of safety in future conflicts?
How do you think a truly supportive and validating partner might change the way you view yourself and your relationship patterns?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 3 things that you'll notice when you enter your first healthy relationship. So this is one for those of you who have maybe been in a string of not so healthy relationships, the way you've had a lot of dysfunctional patterns, maybe high conflict, a lot of insecurity. And as you do this work of becoming more secure within yourself and building self awareness around your own patterns, learning tools to build healthier relationships and more secure relationships, which is what we're hopefully all aiming for here. And then you enter a new relationship. You'll probably notice a new set of challenges or encounter things that you maybe didn't expect to. I think a lot of us have the misconception that we'll do this work and then we'll enter a healthy relationship with a secure partner and all of that stuff will be behind us.
[00:01:31]:
We'll never have to, you know, come up against those relational challenges again. When really the truth is that we are confronted with different challenges. And hopefully, we are meeting those challenges with the benefit of our enhanced capacity and new tools. And so we're able to alchemize whatever those challenges are with a greater level of maturity. But nevertheless, I think a lot of people are surprised and maybe caught off guard by the fact that secure relationships can bring up different things and can hold a mirror up to us in different ways. And so I'm gonna be sharing today 3 things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship. And even as I'm talking now, I suppose you might even notice this within the same relationship if you've done a lot of work together and you kind of enter a new era of the same relationship as can happen, I think we can have many different versions of a relationship over time with the same partner as we grow and evolve, whether that's joint work or individual work. So you may notice some of these things if you're already in a relationship, but you've been doing some of that work.
[00:02:40]:
So this will hopefully have a little bit of something for everyone. And if you're not in a relationship at the moment, maybe it'll put you on notice for things that you might come up against in the future after you've been doing this work and you enter a healthier relationship. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a quick announcement. I am really excited to share that I am running another retreat. So for those of you who've been around a while, you might remember that I ran a retreat in Italy mid last year, which was really wonderful. And we have just booked in to do another one in Australia this time in Byron Bay, which is a beautiful coastal town. Some of you may have heard of it.
[00:03:22]:
Many of you may not have, but with a quick Google search, you'll see that it's absolutely idyllic and we booked an incredible property there. The retreat is going to be in May next year, 2025. And we've got a waitlist going for people who want to express interest in that. We're just finalizing all of the details, but it will be 3 nights in May 20, 25. And so if you want to be first to hear about that and we will have an early bird special for the initial period after we've announced it, the link is in the show notes to join that wait list where you can head to my website, and that should be relatively easy to find. So I would love to see people from this community at the retreat and, if that's something that you've maybe always wanted to do or that piques your interest, definitely, pop your name down on the wait list because obviously by virtue of the format of spaces will be very limited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around things that you might notice in your first healthy relationship.
[00:04:20]:
Now the first one is that there's nowhere to hide. So healthy relationships can be really vulnerable. And I think that a lot of us might be surprised by this because we maybe idealize what it means to be vulnerable in relationships. And if you've been in relationships in the past or maybe you're in a relationship at the moment where there feels like there's a lack of emotional intimacy, you might say, and maybe you complain to your partner or to your friends or to yourself, that there's no depth and there's no emotional intimacy. And, and that's something that you really yearn for. But you might find that when you get it, it actually frightens you a bit. And I think this is something that I've seen time and time again, is clients and students of mine will get into a relationship with someone who is, for example, really committed and wants to move forward with the relationship. And if you've always been the person who, you know, pushes a relationship forward against someone else's resistance and you've got someone who's really, you know, maybe has a fear of commitment or doesn't want to talk about the future, and you spend so much time and energy trying to get that from them, you might really be confronted with your own fear of commitment.
[00:05:33]:
For example, if you're in relationship with someone who is totally available and wants to talk about the future and wants to move the relationship forward. So that's just one example. But what you might see is that the things that you've been blaming someone else about or complaining about those points of resistance or someone else's unavailability, you might suddenly be shown all of the ways in which you were invulnerable or unavailable. Because I think there's there's a lot of hiding that happens in dysfunctional insecure dynamics, and it's really, really easy to blame the other person for everything that's wrong with the relationship. And we often do that from a place that we really deeply believe it. That if they just changed x y zed thing, then our relationship would be fine. And as as true as that can feel, it's very rarely the truth. It's very rarely the whole picture.
[00:06:29]:
And it allows us to, I suppose, sidestep taking responsibility for the ways in which we are not being honest, not being vulnerable, maybe we're not in integrity. So it often blocks us from our own authenticity. And so when you're in a relationship where all of those things that you've been complaining about, all of those things you've been blaming someone else for suddenly aren't there, and there's nothing kind of distracting avoidance side coming up if you are someone who's typically being more anxious. And I think that can be a very interesting, very illuminating kind of role reversal to be all of a sudden afraid of vulnerability and find a lot of resistance to that within yourself. And so seeing those anxieties arise for you in a healthy relationship, I think can catch some people off guard and make you question whether it's the right relationship because you're so accustomed to being the pursuer, so accustomed to the chase, if that's historically been your role, that that that's a really comfortable place to to put all of your energy if that's what you've always done. Whereas receiving or even just something that's more balanced can feel a little bit disorienting if that's not been the role that you've historically occupied in your relationship. So prepare yourself for that. Prepare yourself for a level of vulnerability that you have probably never experienced when you get into your first healthy relationship.
[00:08:08]:
And, you you know, all of the things that come with that, there's a beautiful opportunity to deepen in genuine authentic connection with someone, but there is no way to hide there. And as I said, I think a lot of us maybe don't appreciate the extent to which we have been able to hide in dysfunction and blame in our relationships when we've largely been in insecure dynamics. Okay. The second thing that you might notice in your first healthy relationship is that even the most secure, wonderful partner will be an imperfect human. Okay? And so you might realize that you have certain idealistic conceptions of what it means to be in a secure relationship that maybe are not realistic. And a secure partner who is kind and reliable and trustworthy and empathetic and validating all of these things that you have yearned for for such a long time, that same person might disappoint you from time to time. They might be forgetful or they might have a temper or they might be irritable and, you know, they might annoy you. They might have habits that you find a little grating.
[00:09:19]:
And all of that is really normal. But it might again throw you a little if you've had this story that when I finally get into a secure relationship, then everything will be great. And I won't have to worry anymore. I won't have to have doubts. I won't have to have fears. I won't have to have insecurities. All of that stuff's not just going to fall away and evaporate, because you found the perfect person. So much of that is within us.
[00:09:45]:
And the reality is that even a great person will have downsides to them. There is no perfect partner who has every single trait we've ever wanted, but none of the ones that we don't. And so I think that we come to realize in a healthy relationship that there are compromises. I've said before, I think the advice to never settle, which floats around on social media a lot, I don't think that that really captures the reality of relationship and the messiness of it all. And I think the better advice is be very clear about what you're looking for in terms of kind of core traits and values, and then get ready to compromise around the edges. Because you're not designing some person from the ground up. You are entering relationship with a real person with all of their upsides and downsides and their history and their quirks and their annoying habits. And that's part of committed relationship is that you are signing up for all of that.
[00:10:46]:
And so it can be quite humbling, I think, to realize that you are going to be entering a relationship and potentially making a commitment to a whole person. And that that whole person will annoy you from time to time will frustrate you will upset. You will anger you. And that's all part of it. And so we might have our illusions shattered a little in a healthy relationship around the fact that it's still imperfect despite being, you know, healthy and secure. And that leads me nicely into the third point, which is healthy relationships can still involve conflict. And indeed, they generally will involve conflict. I have said before, I think it's more of a red flag if couples never have conflict than if they have a healthy amount of conflict.
[00:11:32]:
And obviously, there's caveats to that around the way that conflict is approached and managed and repaired. But you will still have disagreements. You'll still have bad days. You'll still have tension. You'll still have rupture. But the real shift that you'll see in your first healthy relationship is that conflict can be had safely and can be repaired skillfully in a way that actually enhances your connection and brings you closer rather than being this really scary thing that feels like a threat to the relationship. And if you are someone with insecure attachment patterns, and that's been the general tone and experience of your relationships to date, you may never have experienced conflict in a way that doesn't feel like it existentially threatens the relationship. Right? A lot of us will have that imprint that every fight feels like it could be the last one, the one that tips us over the edge.
[00:12:27]:
And when that is the tone of your, you know, conflict patterns in your relationship, it's very, very hard for conflicts who ever feel safe because it feels so high stakes. Right? If every fight feels like it could be the end of the relationship, then you'll probably find yourself having a lot of stress around conflict and probably being quite conflict avoidant because everything is being weighed against the possibility of the relationship ending. And so we end up letting a lot of things go that probably do need to be talked about because it's just not worth that magnitude of rupture. So when you find yourself in a healthy relationship for the first time, you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised by the fact that you can talk about things and it doesn't have to snowball into this really big, ugly, disconnected fight with attacking and blame and defensiveness and stonewalling and all of those things that a lot of us know really well. And I think that it's incredibly healing to be able to share something that's bothering you and have it received and handled with care and responded to in a validating way. Those sorts of experiences can really fundamentally shift our imprint around relationships and the emotional safety that comes from that is so conducive to greater intimacy and connection in the relationship more broadly. So that is something that you will learn when you enter your first healthy relationship. Yes, there will be conflict.
[00:13:59]:
Don't expect that you are going to be able to skip out on conflict altogether. But it can be done in a way that is safe and feels safe. Even in the moment you can be having conflict and tension or you can be angry, you can be frustrated, and still feel this really strong foundation of safety in the relationship, and that's a very powerful thing. Okay. So those were three things that you may experience in your first healthy relationship. Just to recap, that is that there's nowhere to hide and secure relationships are really vulnerable and actually show us all of the places that we've been avoiding or denying or maybe not taking responsibility for our stuff. The second one was that even secure, healthy, amazing partners are going to annoy us from time to time. They are imperfect, messy humans like the rest of us.
[00:14:52]:
And 3, that secure relationships will have conflicts just like any other. But the difference is your ability to have conflict in a safe way and repair skillfully. So I hope that that's been helpful, has given you something to think about, whether you're in that space at the moment, or it's something that you might encounter in the future. Hopefully that's put you on notice of what you might expect in your first healthy relationship. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who leave a review or rating. Also, if you're someone who watches YouTube, I confess I'm not someone who watches very much YouTube, but I know a lot of people do. I'm trying to grow my YouTube channel at the moment. So if you care to jump on over to YouTube and subscribe, share, if you feel so inclined to all of the podcast episodes are being uploaded in video there, so you can explore those as well as some other videos that are only on YouTube. That would be a huge help to me as a way to support my work in the show. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:15:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, secure relationships, healthy relationships, insecurity, relationship patterns, self-awareness, self-improvement, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, fear of commitment, relationship challenges, dysfunctional relationships, personal growth, relational dynamics, conflict resolution, emotional safety, mature relationships, secure partners, relationship advice, practical tools, relationship coach, relational challenges, retreat in Italy, Byron Bay retreat, authentic connection, relationship conflict, relationship repair, relationship maturity, relationship guide, building healthy relationships, secure attachment.
Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
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Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities & Differences
In today's episode, we're diving into fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment and how it differs from anxious attachment. We’ll explore how both types are driven by a fear of abandonment and intense emotions, yet differ in their approaches to intimacy, conflict resolution, and communication. Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does, this episode will give you valuable insights into the dynamics at play and how to navigate them for healthier connections.
In today's episode, we're diving into fearful avoidant (AKA disorganised) attachment and how it differs from anxious attachment.
We’ll explore how both types are driven by a fear of abandonment and intense emotions, yet differ in their approaches to intimacy, conflict resolution, and communication.
Whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does, this episode will give you valuable insights into the dynamics at play and how to navigate them for healthier connections.
Fearful Avoidant and Anxious Attachment: Key Similarities & Differences
Understanding attachment styles is crucial for anyone looking to improve their relationships and gain insight into their emotional responses. Two attachment styles often discussed together are anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment. While they share some similarities, there are also significant differences that impact relationship dynamics and coping strategies.
High Anxiety About Relationships
A common thread between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is the high level of anxiety experienced in relationships. For both, relationships often do not feel safe. This anxiety can manifest differently, though. Anxiously attached individuals tend to feel preoccupied with their relationships, continually seeking reassurance and closeness to soothe their anxiety. Fearful avoidants, on the other hand, experience similar anxiety but may internalise it more, leading to erratic behaviours—sometimes drawing close to their partner and other times pushing them away.
Fears of Abandonment and Rejection
Both attachment styles harbour deep fears of abandonment and rejection. For anxiously attached individuals, this fear drives them to over-function in relationships, always striving to maintain closeness and avoid rejection. Fearful avoidants, however, might adopt an “I’ll leave you before you leave me” mentality, ending relationships pre-emptively to avoid the anticipated pain of abandonment. This self-protective strategy is a stark contrast to the anxious attachment’s drive to preserve relationships at nearly any cost.
Struggles with Voicing Needs and Setting Boundaries
A significant challenge that both styles share is difficulty in voicing needs and setting boundaries. Anxiously attached individuals often fall into people-pleasing and approval-seeking behaviours, avoiding conflict in an attempt to secure their partner’s affection. They might quietly resent unmet needs but continue giving and compromising. Fearful avoidants also struggle here, but their approach is slightly different. They might initially also over-give, but their resentment can explode into anger, causing them to view their partner as an adversary. This can lead to dramatic confrontations or sudden decisions to end the relationship, highlighting their fear of betrayal.
Emotional Regulation Difficulties
Emotional regulation is another area where these attachment styles demonstrate both similarity and difference. Both exhibit difficulty managing their emotions, experiencing extreme ups and downs. Anxiously attached individuals often look to their partners to regulate their emotions, feeling out of control when they perceive any threat to the relationship. This can create a sense of urgency to fix any issues immediately. Fearful avoidants, while also struggling with emotional regulation, direct their fear more towards perceived personal threats. This can result in fierce anger and volatility, driven by a deep sense of personal danger, which differs from the anxious attachment's relational focus.
Low Self-Worth and Shame
Low self-worth and shame are core wounds for both anxiously attached and fearful avoidants, but they manage these feelings differently. Anxiously attached people try to compensate for their low self-worth by seeking validation from their partners. They believe that if they can get their partner to love them deeply, it will resolve their feelings of inadequacy. Conversely, fearful avoidant individuals often avoid intimacy to shield themselves from confronting their shame. They might push people away, adhere to a narrative that they're better off alone, or leave relationships to avoid getting hurt.
Navigating Personal Development
Despite these challenges, individuals with both attachment styles are often driven to seek personal development. The feeling of being broken or not good enough can motivate them to explore self-help resources and look for ways to understand themselves better. For anxiously attached individuals, this journey often emphasises finding security in relationships. Fearful avoidants, while also seeking to understand themselves, may focus more on protective mechanisms and building internal resilience.
Understanding the Differences
While there are clear overlaps, the differences in how these attachment styles handle anxiety, fear, and self-worth can significantly impact their behaviours in relationships. Anxiously attached individuals cling to closeness and relationship security, often to the point of self-neglect. Fearful avoidants, in contrast, might sabotage closeness and push people away to self-protect. These strategies can lead to misunderstandings and complicated relationship dynamics, often leaving both parties feeling hurt and confused.
Conclusion
The similarities and differences between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment offer valuable insights into relational behaviours and emotional coping strategies. Understanding these nuances can help individuals recognise their patterns, navigate their emotional responses better, and work towards healthier relationship dynamics. Recognising these patterns is the first step towards making informed changes that lead to more secure and fulfilling interpersonal connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you tend to cope with anxiety in your relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards seeking closeness or pushing people away?
Reflect on a scenario when you felt deeply hurt or rejected in a relationship. How did you respond to those feelings of abandonment or rejection? Did your response align more with anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment strategies?
Are there instances where you've found it particularly challenging to voice your needs or set boundaries? How did this impact your relationship and your personal well-being?
Think about a time when you experienced extreme emotions within a relationship. How did you manage these emotions, and what effect did they have on your relationship dynamic?
Reflect on your self-worth and any underlying feelings of shame you might carry. How have these feelings influenced your behaviour in relationships, and what strategies do you use to cope with these emotions?
Have you ever found yourself over-functioning in a relationship to avoid feelings of abandonment? How has this affected your sense of self and your relational dynamics?
Consider a time when you may have distanced yourself from someone out of fear of being hurt or exposed. How did this affect the relationship and your emotional well-being?
Reflect on your journey of personal development. What drives you to seek understanding of yourself, and how has this journey influenced your attachment style and relationships?
How do you perceive and deal with threats to your emotional safety in relationships? Do you notice any patterns that align with anxious or fearful avoidant attachment?
In what ways do you either yearn for validation from your partner or push them away to protect your self-image? How do these behaviours connect to your deeper fears and insecurities?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am going to be talking all about some key similarities and differences between the anxious attachment style and the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style. Now, I get possibly more requests about fearful avoidant attachment than anything else, which is saying something given that, a, I get a lot of requests about a lot of things, and, b, that the vast majority of my audience falls into the bucket of anxious attachment. But it is really one of those areas that seems to be maybe underdeveloped in online literature and content around attachment theory, and an area that I know a lot of people have an interest in and really identify with aspects of the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style. And I'm really looking for resources specific to, attachment style, and I'm really looking for resources specific to that attachment style, because it can kind of get sidelined a little in favor of anxious and avoidant attachment being the 2 dominant insecure attachment styles. And I think that's in part because it's thought to only represent around 5% of the population, so it's obviously the smallest category, although I am a little skeptical as to those statistics. But nevertheless, I am heeding the call in this episode today, offering some insights into the ways in which anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment differ. I did do an episode ages ago, probably 2 years ago, about dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant attachment and the ways in which those two differ.
[00:01:57]:
So if you're interested in kind of that side of the street, you can search for fearful avoidant attachment in the podcast, and you should be able to find that old episode as well. Okay. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, an announcement, today is the day Healing Anxious Attachment is open for registration for the 8th round of the program. If you were already on the wait list, be sure to check your emails for the link. And if you didn't make it onto the wait list but you are keen to get in on the early bird pricing, you can still join that list by submitting your email on my website. That should be all relatively easy to find. But, yeah, I would love to see you inside the program.
[00:02:36]:
It really is, in my mind, very worthwhile. Of course, I'm biased. I recognize that. But the 2,000 plus students who've been through the program in the past 2 years can also attest to its value. And so if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are ready to really commit to making a change and gifting that to yourself, I'd highly recommend that you check it out, and join us now that registration is open. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around key similarities and differences between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment. Now I do wanna say at the outset that this is far from being an exhaustive list.
[00:03:11]:
You know, I sat down and brainstormed 5 and stopped there because it was getting long and unwieldy, and I think it'll be a long episode anyway. But I could have easily kept going because, obviously, this stuff is multifaceted. And, you know, I also wanna say at the outset, be wary of labels and generalizations. Now that might sound a little bit, I don't know, hypocritical given that I am speaking about a body of work that has labels and categorizations as a key part of its framework. But I suppose more so a reminder that you don't need to fit into a box. So you might listen to this and go, oh, I see that aspect of myself here, but I'm more aligned with that attachment style over there. I have so many people saying to me, like, is it possible for me to be this? And really, anything's possible. Right? You know what your experience is, so don't feel like you need to decipher yourself, and make yourself make sense, in the context of any given framework.
[00:04:10]:
Rather, we're just looking to understand I've said this before, you might have heard me frame it in this way, how have I learned to keep myself safe in relationships? What are the strategies that I have learned to respond to the relational environment that I find myself in? Okay. That's really all we're talking about with attachment styles. It just so happens that most of the time, people will have a fairly consistent set of strategies that fall into a broad style or pattern. But if you feel like you mix and match and maybe is different in one relationship to the next or one area of life compared to another, none of that is something that you need to solve for. It's all just about recognizing the patterns that we see in our own lives, figuring out how they might be inhibiting us from experiencing the kind of relationships that we want, and learning ways that feel more adapted to where we want to go. Okay. So the first similarity between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is that they both experience high anxiety about their relationships. So that might seem fairly obvious, but, really, that is core to anxious attachment, obviously, that there's a lot of preoccupation with the relationship and a lot of, kind of, stress and anxiety around the relationship, and so too is that the case for fearful avoidance.
[00:05:26]:
So while it might not look exactly the same way, and there may be some more internalized anxiety among fearful avoidant attachment, both attachment styles will experience a lot of anxiety around relationships in a general sense that relationships are not safe. The origin story of fearful avoidant versus anxious attachment can be quite different, but there is this common thread of not being able to trust in the safety of relationships, and therefore experiencing a lot of anxiety around relationships, intimate relationships in particular, this sense of something bad's gonna happen. I can't really rest in this space of the relationship. Now where they differ from each other in this respect is that most of the time, anxiously attached people will deal with that anxiety that they experience around their relationship by trying to get as close as possible. Right? They're trying to eliminate any distance, any gap, any uncertainty. They try and pull their partner close and keep them there. It's very much a control strategy in terms of how can I soothe this anxiety that I feel? And for the anxiously attached person, control comes with proximity and closeness. For the fearful avoidant attached person, what you might see is more of a either hot and cold strategy.
[00:06:36]:
So maybe I deal with my anxiety by pulling you close sometimes and pushing you away other times, or it might be, more consistent distancing strategies. They might lean more towards that avoidant end of the spectrum in, you know, I experience so much anxiety, but the way that I deal with that anxiety is through pushing away, through isolation, through avoidance. Right? You'll not see that very often among anxiously attached people, that they deal with their anxiety by pushing someone away, and to the extent that they do push someone away, it's usually a test to see if that person will pull them back. You know, I say to you, I can't do this anymore, only so that you beg me to stay, and that's really what I'm hoping for. Whereas the fearful avoidant, if they're pushing someone away and saying, I can't do this anymore, they might really mean it in that moment because that is their self protective strategy is to push the other person away. Okay. The second similarity between fearful avoidant and anxious attachment is that both attachment styles will share some core wounds, and in particular, fears around abandonment and rejection. So this is very much at the heart of anxious attachment.
[00:07:39]:
You will have heard me speak about that before, this fear of abandonment, that the person we love is maybe going to leave us literally, as in leave the relationship, or just not be there for us when we need them, so we're going to feel kind of emotionally abandoned or dropped. This is also common among fearful avoidant attachment, although maybe it might be less front and center. And what's really key here is that, again, the way that they process that fear or work with that fear for anxiously attached people, the fear of abandonment leads us to over function, work overtime to try and, you know, do everything humanly possible to prevent that abandonment from happening. So again, really trying to keep our partner close. Whereas the fearful avoidant attached person might have such a profound fear of being left, being not good enough, being rejected, that they're much more inclined to adopt a I'm gonna leave you before you can leave me kind of strategy. So they might end the relationship because they're so convinced that if my partner sees who I really am, then they're gonna leave me anyway. So I might as well do that first and maintain this sense of control over the situation and avoid the pain of rejection, the pain of loss, and so they're more likely to process that fear through distancing, through, you know, I'll beat you to it kind of thing. That's very unlikely to happen among anxiously attached people, who, as we've talked about, very rarely initiate the end of a relationship.
[00:09:15]:
And oftentimes, if an anxiously attached person does leave a relationship, it might be to go to another relationship. So they they don't often step into the void just because they're unhappy in the relationship. Okay. The next similarity between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is both really struggle to voice needs, to set boundaries, to advocate for themselves in a healthy, secure way in relationships. So, again, we've talked about this a lot in the context of anxious attachment on the show. You know, that I'm just gonna try and be easygoing, people pleasing, approval seeking, trying to fit in, trying to be liked. All of that is well established in the context of anxious attachment, and you may see that as well in fearful avoidant attachment to a point. And I think that this is really the key distinction, is that whereas anxiously attached people will just do that indefinitely, over give to the point of burnout, and they just keep going and going and going.
[00:10:12]:
While they might quietly be resentful and quietly harbor these stories of, it's so unfair, woe is me, victimhood around, my needs aren't being met, and people violate my boundaries, The fearful avoidant person is much more likely to snap, so they give and give and give, and then they might have this big moment where they almost become enraged, and the other person is seen very much as the enemy, as the person who's taking advantage of me. So that person who they've been giving to, who they've been boundaryless in respect of, all of a sudden, they are seen as this kind of villainous character who's out to get me, who is trying to hurt me. And we can really see the fear of betrayal that so many fearful avoidants have coming up there and driving, oftentimes, a really big response to feeling taken advantage of. And that's, again, where there's a bit of a fork in the road between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant attachment is, you know, the fearful avoidant might have a big blow up and blow up a relationship, and that can be not just romantic relationships, but friendships or work, might have a big falling out with someone because this story of, this person doesn't respect me, they're taking advantage of me', all of those things can feel so big and so true and so threatening to the fearful avoidant, and that tends to trump whatever value the relationship had. That self protection drive tends to trump that. So we can see there that for the anxiously attached person, no matter how resentful they get, there tends to be this override of, the relationship is still my priority. Even if I'm really unhappy in the relationship, even if I do feel like I'm being taken advantage of, I might stay in it and try to persuade and convince and beg and plead with my partner to show up for me to meet my needs, all of those things, but it's likely to be in more of a kind of fawning way rather than a big fight response, which is what we'll typically see with fearful avoidant attachment. Okay.
[00:12:13]:
That leads nicely into number 4, which is both struggle with emotional regulation and can experience really big extreme emotions. So we know that for anxiously attached people, emotional regulation can be very hard, and there's this sense of, you know, I derive my sense of safety from the relationship feeling okay, from my partner being happy with me, and provided that everything's okay there, I can feel relatively calm. But as soon as I perceive a threat related to my partnership, I start to feel very dysregulated, very out of control, and feel this overwhelming sense that I need to do something in order to fix the situation. Right? It's like, oh no, I'm, you know, on the Titanic and hurtling towards an iceberg, and I need to do something urgently, otherwise everything is going to come crashing down, and the panic can ensue there. For the fearful avoidant, it's probably not quite as directly related to a threat to the relationship. It's more likely to be, I'm perceiving a threat to myself, and oftentimes the relationship will be that threat, or your partner will feel like, this person's out to get me, they're going to hurt me, they don't respect me. There's just some sort of danger that I can't put my finger on, and I need to do something. And that can feel very visceral, and again, very urgent, and can drive really extreme emotions.
[00:13:37]:
You'll often find for fearful avoidant attachment that anger very quickly becomes almost rage, and it's like this you know, very, very big emotional response and can feel like a lot of emotional volatility. And certainly, inwardly, that is what a lot of fearful avoidants will describe, that the internal sense of chaos and feeling out of control is really pronounced. So while they share that emotionality, again, and this is a common theme that you'll see in the way that they differ, is that anxiously attached people do tend to have this sense of, like, big emotions, but I'm using my big emotions to try and get through to you. I'm using my big emotions to try to convey to you how much pain I'm in, in the hope that, you know, you'll change your behavior and you'll see me and everything will be fine again. Whereas, for someone with fearful avoidant attachment, the big emotions can just be kind of unbridled expression of fear, rage, overwhelm, whatever it might be. But it's typically not in this sense of I need to express my feelings, but ultimately in a way where I'm still trying to bring you closer. Again, it really might just be, like, a blowout of emotion and a really strong feeling of this person is my enemy. It's not so calculated, almost, in the way that it can be with anxious attachment of, I'm I'm trying to get through you.
[00:14:57]:
I'm still even though I'm so angry at you, you're so upset or inconsolable, I'm still really, like, yearning for you to wrap me up and tell me everything's gonna be okay and that you love me and you understand. It's not like trying to get validation from them. It is really just pure anger, and it's much more driven from this place of feeling personally threatened by the other. That makes sense when we consider the context, the kind of origin story of fearful avoidant attachment, which is typically the people closest to me were also threatening in some way, so there is this real internal struggle around trusting in the person that we love most. Okay. And the 5th and final similarity and difference is that both anxiously attached people and fearful avoidance will typically struggle with low self worth and shame. So a sense of there being something wrong with me, but fearful avoidance in particular will usually have some sort of story, whether it's front of mind or not, that they're broken, that they're bad, that they're defective, there's something wrong with them, and that can obviously drive a lot of behaviors in relationship. We've talked about that a lot on the podcast before.
[00:16:05]:
So that's a common thread that anxiously attached people and fearful avoidants will share. As a little side note, this is also perhaps what drives both attachment styles to typically be seekers, I would say, of, like, trying to understand themselves. That feeling of brokenness, there's something wrong with me, why is everything so hard for me, can often drive us to look for answers, and so anxiously attached people and fearful avoidants will often be very geared towards personal development and that kind of stuff, because they do have this hunger to understand themselves. Now, where they differ in terms of this low self worth and shame is, I think anxiously attached people, again, common theme here, try to make that feeling go away by trying to get someone to love them and choose them. So, if I can get my partner to really love me, you know, I can be the best partner in the world, and, you know, my partner will think that I'm amazing and will live happily ever after, then I won't have to feel unworthy and unlovable. I won't have to come into contact with that shame because I will have resolved it via getting someone to want me. Right? That tends to be the anxious attachment story, whether it's conscious or not. There's this sense of the way to resolve that wound within me that I am not good enough is to make someone think that I am good enough.
[00:17:27]:
And if I get that validation from them, then maybe I don't have to feel that way anymore. Whereas for the fearful avoidant, I think it's more likely that you'll see someone who struggles with shame and low self worth pushing away anything and anyone that might bring them into contact with that shame. So because the shame is so powerful and so overwhelming, and they're perhaps a little less inclined to attach to people and outsource all of their self worth to what one other person thinks of them, they tend to be a little bit more protective of their self image. That's the the avoidance streak coming in. You might find a fearful avoidant saying things like, I don't want to hurt you, you deserve better than me, or I'm better off alone because all I do is hurt people, I'm so broken, I'm so messed up. It's just best that I don't try in the first place, whereas anxiously attached people pretty much always gonna try and keep trying and keep trying and keep trying, because they do just have such a strong blueprint that, like, love is the answer, relationships are the answer. And no matter how broken they feel with respect to relationships, there is just this very, very strong imperative within them to seek out relationships and to feel comforted by intimate partnerships. Whereas, I think the fearful avoidant is more likely, of course, this isn't going to be true in every single case, but more likely to defend against those feelings of low self worth and shame by blocking intimacy, blocking closeness, whether that's through kind of staying away from relationships, more serious ones, or sabotaging them as they get more serious, more intimate, all of those things, they can just be more of a reluctance to go down a path that would require them to come into contact with that shame and that low self worth. So they may have stronger defenses against that rather than deploying the anxious strategy of just getting someone so close and trying to resolve it through relationship in in a sense of getting someone else to convince me of my worth. Okay. So those were 5 similarities and differences between fearful, avoidant, and anxious attachment. As I said, I feel like I could keep going easily with another 5, maybe I'll have to do a part 2 of this one. Let me know if this has been helpful, and I will certainly consider doing a follow-up or elaborating on these topics because I know, as I said, that there is a lot of interest in it and a lot of appetite for more content on fearful avoidant attachment. So do be sure to let me know if this was helpful. You can send me a message on Instagram.
[00:20:02]:
You can if you're listening on Spotify, you can leave little comments underneath individual episodes. And I should say, if you are someone who identifies maybe partly with anxious attachment, partly with fearful avoidant attachment. I always get questions when I'm launching Healing Anxious Attachment, my program, can you take that program if you're more fearful avoidant? I get that question so much that it's actually in the FAQs on the registration page. In short, I've had a lot of people take healing anxious attachment who either at the outset or, you know, partway through realize that they identify more with fearful avoidant. My honest answer is it's a course for anxiously attached people, and all of the examples are geared towards anxious attachment. But the core tools and practices that I teach in the program are the same ones that I'd be teaching for fearful avoidant attachment. So things like nervous system regulation, things like reprogramming of core beliefs, communication skills, boundaries, all of this stuff is common among the healing process for any insecure attachment style, I would argue. So there's certainly a lot of value still in the program to be gained by someone who maybe identifies more with fearful avoidant attachment, but you may just find that the examples don't fully land with you because they're speaking to the anxious attachment experience.
[00:21:18]:
And as we've talked about today, there are some key points of difference, particularly in how you respond to the fear. So while you might identify with the fear, the way that you, you know, have learned to deal with it might be slightly different. Okay. So thank you so much for joining me. Again, really hope that this has been helpful, and do let me know if it has been. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment styles, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, attachment theory, healing anxious attachment, relationships, intimacy, emotional regulation, boundaries, self worth, abandonment, rejection, origin story, personal development, low self worth, shame, nervous system regulation, reprogramming core beliefs, communication skills, people pleasing, core wounds, trust issues, emotional volatility, control strategies, relational anxiety, attachment patterns.
4 Reasons You Keep Attracting Situationships
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
In today's episode, we’re exploring the common patterns and beliefs that lead people into situationships — those ambiguous, frustrating "almost-relationships" that never quite become something more.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a situationship and wondered why it keeps happening, this episode is for you. We'll dive into four key reasons why you might be attracting these kinds of connections and how to start breaking free from the cycle. Specifically, we'll cover:
How a fear of rejection stops you from expressing your desires
The saviour complex and trying to change the emotionally unavailable person
The tendency to prioritise chemistry over true compatibility and authentic connection
Tolerating situationships out of a fear that you can't do any better
If you’re tired of finding yourself in situationships, this episode will help you identify the underlying beliefs and behaviors contributing to the pattern. You'll learn practical steps to start attracting the kind of relationship you truly want.
Discovering the Root Causes: Why You Keep Attracting Situationships
Navigating the modern dating world can be a labyrinthine ordeal, especially when one continually finds themselves caught in the limbo of situationships. While a situationship may initially seem like a dynamic, casual arrangement, it often lacks crucial foundational elements like trust, commitment, and clear intentions. This grey zone can leave individuals feeling used, frustrated, and perplexed as to why such patterns keep recurring in their love lives. Let’s delve into four core reasons why one might keep attracting situationships and, more importantly, how to break free from these cycles.
1. Fear of Rejection
A profound fear of rejection can drive individuals to avoid directly communicating their desires and expectations within a relationship. This is especially true for those with anxious attachment patterns. The fear often stems from a deep-seated worthiness wound, leading to a reluctance to express genuine needs for fear of being rebuffed. Instead, one might skirt around important conversations, relying on indirect methods to gauge the other person's interest.
When the avoidance strategy is in play, there's a tendency to tiptoe around defining the relationship, creating an environment ripe for a situationship. Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth and being comfortable with potential rejection can significantly alter this dynamic. Being upfront about what one wants might be daunting, but it is a crucial step towards attracting a partnership that aligns with one’s true desires.
2. Hope of Change
A common mindset trap is the belief that if one can just hold on and be patient, the other person will eventually change their stance and commit. This often aligns with the archetype of the "rescuer," who believes that with enough love and understanding, they can bring about a transformation in their partner. Many fall into the fallacy of thinking that persistence will eventually yield the relationship they fantasise about.
However, trying to love someone into availability rarely works and often leaves one feeling inadequate and frustrated. It's crucial to recognise the patterns and acknowledge that meaningful change comes from within the other person, not from external pressure or persistent efforts. Trust that there are individuals who are already available and eager for the type of committed relationship you seek.
3. Prioritising Chemistry Over Compatibility
While chemistry can undeniably ignite the initial stages of a relationship, it shouldn't overshadow essential elements like compatibility and consistent connection. Some may get swept up in the intoxicating allure of chemistry, overlooking red flags or misalignments in core values and goals.
It's essential to balance the heady rush of chemistry with a clear-eyed assessment of whether the relationship meets other fundamental needs. Consistency, reliability, and mutual respect must complement the excitement chemistry brings. An awareness of this tendency allows one to make more discerning choices, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
4. Fear of Being Alone
A fear of being alone can propel individuals to stay in unsatisfying situationships. The thought of facing solitude or the perception of repeated 'failed relationships' can be too daunting, leading to a compromise on one’s standards and desires. One might cling to a connection that is clearly unfulfilling, simply because it feels better than being without any companionship.
Learning to appreciate and enjoy one's own company can be transformative. It provides a solid foundation of self-worth and makes it easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't serve one’s needs. Remember, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel more isolated than solitude ever could.
Moving Forward: Creating Healthy Relationship Patterns
Understanding these underlying reasons for attracting situationships is the first step in transforming relationship dynamics. Here are a few actionable steps to help move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships:
Communicate Directly: Practice clear and honest communication about your needs and expectations from the outset. This not only sets the tone for the relationship but also filters out those who are not on the same page.
Self-Worth Work: Engage in activities and practices that bolster your self-esteem. Whether it’s through therapy, self-help resources, or support groups, strengthening your sense of worthiness is pivotal.
Value-Based Choices: Make a conscious effort to prioritise compatibility and mutual respect over fleeting chemistry. Write down what core values are non-negotiable for you and use this as a guide.
Embrace Solitude: Learn to enjoy your own company and view time spent alone as an opportunity for personal growth, rather than something to fear. This can break the cycle of settling for less than you deserve.
Breaking free from the cycle of situationships requires a combination of self-awareness, consistent practice, and often, a shift in mindset. By addressing the root causes and making deliberate, informed choices, it is entirely possible to cultivate relationships that are healthy, committed, and deeply fulfilling.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences in situationships. Do you see a pattern of behaviour or choices that might be contributing to this dynamic? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth?
Do you find yourself avoiding direct conversations about your relationship goals out of fear of rejection? How has this avoidance impacted your relationships?
How often do you feel tempted to "rescue" or "change" your partner in hopes of creating the relationship you desire? Reflect on moments where this has or hasn’t worked in your favour.
When it comes to chemistry versus compatibility, which do you find yourself prioritising more? How has this emphasis influenced the types of relationships you attract?
Can you identify times when you stayed in a relationship because you feared being alone or felt that having some connection was better than none? How did that affect your overall well-being?
Think about a past relationship where you accepted less than you deserved. What beliefs about yourself were underlying your decision to stay in that relationship?
How do you currently approach the ending of a relationship or situationship? Do you find yourself internalising blame or feeling like a failure? Reflect on how this affects your self-esteem and future relationships.
Are you aware of any signs of emotional unavailability in the people you attract? What steps could you take to ensure you only pursue connections that align with your relationship goals?
Reflect on a time when you clearly communicated your needs and desires in a relationship. How did it feel, and what was the outcome? What does this teach you about the importance of self-advocacy?
What does a healthy, committed, and secure relationship look like to you? Write about the characteristics and values you want in this type of relationship, and reflect on whether your past choices align with these ideals.
Use these prompts to deepen your understanding of your attachment patterns and uncover ways to cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Join the waitlist for Healing Anxious Attachment
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about situationships, and specifically four reasons why you keep attracting situationships into your life. Now for anyone who's not familiar with the term situationship, a situationship could sort of be defined as when you're dating someone and it's more than just a casual encounter. Maybe you've seen each other regularly and you talk a lot and, you know, it sort of starts to feel like a relationship, but it lacks, you know, those core features of maybe exclusivity or maybe you haven't talked about anything formal like that, and there's this reluctance to put a label on it. And so the relationship just sort of drifts on, without, you know, any of the foundational elements like trust and commitment and clarity, that really allows something to feel like an actual relationship. So it exists in this in between space, this limbo between something and nothing. And unfortunately, you know, from speaking to so many people, this is a really common trope of modern dating, and it's something that I think some people more than others are susceptible to.
[00:01:46]:
And that's really what we're going to be talking about today because as much as we can throw our hands up and say, why me? This is so unfair. Everyone is emotionally unavailable and all I want is a committed, healthy, secure relationship. But, you know, when it keeps happening again and again and again, it's just not really honest to suggest that we don't have a part in it. You know, that's really a common theme in everything that I share and teach, is taking responsibility for the ways in which we are creating our own destiny, be that for better or worse. So if you are someone who notices that you keep ending up in these, you know, in between noncommittal relationships where you feel like the other person is taking a lot but maybe not giving much in return, rather than just villainizing them and playing into a story where you are the victim of, you know, everyone being emotionally unavailable in the modern dating world. We're going to be looking today at some of the ways that you might be you know, unknowingly and unintentionally perpetuating those dynamics, and what you can do to shift away from those things, and really deliberately only make yourself available for the kinds of connections that really appeal to you and that are, you know, taking you in the direction that you really want to be going, rather than wasting your time, with things that ultimately feel like a bit of a dead end. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder if you've listened the past couple of weeks, you would know that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back.
[00:03:19]:
So in less than a week I will be opening registration to early bird folks on the waitlist. This is round 8 of the program. It's one that I'm really excited for. I'm going to be including more of a live component than I have in recent times. In my experience with running the Secure Self Challenge, which you might have heard me talk about or maybe you participated in, it's really made clear to me how important that community aspect is. And so for this round, and likely for future rounds of Healing Anxious Attachment, I'm really going to be putting more of an emphasis on that community and life component. So we're going to have a community space as well as several live calls with me where you can connect and ask questions, to really make sure that you have not only accountability, but support as you go through the program. And I think that that can be really helpful for folks.
[00:04:13]:
I know that moving through an online course, can feel a little bit lonely at times and maybe hard to motivate yourself to stay on track with, so hopefully these little tweaks to how I'm going to be running the program will really help you with that. So if you're interested, please do jump on the wait list. The wait list is just there to, guarantee you access to early bird pricing and ensure that you can save your seat when doors open in less than a week's time. So, do that via my website, or the link is there in the show notes underneath this episode. Okay. So let's talk about situationships and some of the reasons why you might find yourself in these relationships again and again and again. So the first reason is that you have a really deep fear of rejection, and so you avoid directly communicating about what you want and where things are at. So I think this is probably true for a lot of people with more anxious attachment patterns is that, you know, coupled with that fear of abandonment is that fear of rejection.
[00:05:21]:
And I'd say the common thread there is that worthiness wound, this sense of not being good enough, not being, you know, desirable, attractive, smart, funny, whatever. We don't really see our own value, and so we really, really fear someone else confirming our perception of ourselves, which to me is really what lies at the heart of a fear of rejection is, you know, I already reject myself so deeply, and so if you don't want me, then that acts as confirmation of all of my greatest fears that I am, you know, not worthy of being wanted or chosen by anyone. And so, oftentimes, when that's the base layer, when that's what's sitting underneath, you know, our behaviors and what's driving us, when we're dating, we tend to pursue more indirect ways of gathering information, of scoping out whether someone's interested. You know, we avoid just directly saying, hey, here's what I'm looking for. Are you looking for the same thing? For fear that the answer will be no, and then we'll take that to mean something about us at a really fundamental level that, you know, if we were otherwise, if we were someone else better, then they would want more of a relationship, then they would want to commit. And again, this is just such a fallacy. It's such a signal. You should really if you have those sorts of internal thoughts, that's a really good sign that you have some worthiness stuff going on and that it's driving this, you know, indirect pattern, where you're afraid to advocate for yourself for something as simple as, like, what am I looking for in a relationship? You know, avoiding those sorts of questions.
[00:07:03]:
And I hear this all the time from people saying, like, when is it too soon to start asking someone? We've been, you know, texting for 4 months, and we've only met up once. You know, how should I navigate this? Am I being too needy? It's really important to understand that your reluctance to just come out and say, here's what I'm available for, here's what I'm not available for, that is where your dysfunction meets theirs. So you're like, yes, this person might be, quote, unquote, emotionally unavailable. They might be, you know, taking advantage of the situation. They might be, you know, only available to sleep with you, but not to actually spend time with you or get to know you or other things like that. But you're participating in it, and you're tiptoeing around them because you don't want to be rejected. You don't want to lose the connection, and that lack of directness, that fear of actually just saying, here's what I want, and being really comfortable with the fact that they might want something else, and that doesn't mean anything about you. You might be disappointed if they want something other than what you want.
[00:08:09]:
That might be a shame, but it doesn't mean that, you know, no one's ever going to want you or want the same thing as you. So really look at that and go, Am I tiptoeing? Am I avoiding a conversation for fear of what that might uncover? And just remind yourself that if they don't want the same thing as you, that's going to become apparent sooner or later. And so do I want to be wasting my time, you know, trying to turn this into something that it's never going to become, so that I can feel good about myself or feel like I've won in some way? I think that that's a very easy path to go down when we struggle with self worth, but it is not going to lead you to the kind of relationship that you want. It's likely going to lead you, round and round in circles of frustration and overwhelm and confusion and doubt, and that's not what we want our relationships to be characterized by. And this leads me really nicely into the second reason why you might find yourself in situationships again and again and again. And that is that you convince yourself that if you can just hold on, then, you know, over time you'll be able to influence them to, you know, choose you, to want you. Like, if you can kind of sink your teeth in, then eventually they'll change their mind. So even if at the start they say, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but then, you know, they keep messaging you and you keep meeting up and sleeping together or whatever it might be, but it stops short of anything more committed than that, you might be telling yourself, like, oh, well, I'll just take, you know, this watered down version for now, but if I can spend more time with them and, you know, be really loving and thought full, then they'll see how valuable I am, and surely they will change their mind.
[00:10:00]:
Right? If I can just, like, love them into availability, then everything will be good. Again, I think we can really fall into this trap when we have, you know, not only the unworthiness thing, but when we have that, like, rescuer streak in us. We tell ourselves that we are gonna be the one to change them, to save them. You know, we understand their unavailability, and if they could just open up to us and be vulnerable with us, we'll hold space for them, and they'll feel so seen, and then they'll really see the value in us, and all of that savior complex kind of stuff that we can get stuck in. Again, I say this not from a place of, you know, blaming or shaming. I am very susceptible to this myself, as is anyone who has that combination of a worthiness wound with really strong emotional attunement. It's very easy to put ourselves in that role of coach and therapist and think that we can, you know, transform someone. We can be the inspiration for their big metamorphosis into the version of themselves that they could become if they, you know, sorted all of their intimacy fears out or whatever it might be.
[00:11:12]:
Trust me when I say that that is not again, it's not a role you want to play. It's not a road you want to walk down, because you'll always know deep down that even if that works in the sense that, you know, they change their mind, you'll know that it was because you had to convince them in this insidious kind of way. So don't fall into that trap of trying to, you know, convert someone, persuade them, influence them into being available for a relationship with you. Trust that there are people who are available for a relationship with you who would jump at the opportunity to be in relationship with you, rather than feeling like you need to kind of steward someone into readiness for something like that. Okay? Alright. The third reason that you might find yourself winding up in situationships is that you're a sucker for chemistry, and you tend to prioritize chemistry over things like compatibility and connection. Now, chemistry is not a red flag, and I think that there's a lot of talk about this on social media. You know, we talk about chemistry as if we need to be really wary of chemistry.
[00:12:20]:
I don't think that's necessarily true. I think chemistry can be a beautiful thing about the start of a relationship, and it's really lovely to have good chemistry with someone. But we just don't want to be guided by chemistry and overlook all of the other things that might not be a fit. You know, we don't want to be like a moth to a flame, where chemistry blinds us to everything else that might be present or absent in the connection when those other things are important to us, in order to feel satisfied with, you know, pursuing something. So again, I think that among people with more anxious attachment patterns, there is this tendency to really latch on to, like, oh, we have such amazing chemistry. Oh, we have such an amazing connection. It would be you know, it would feel like a sin to let that go because whenever I'm with them or whenever I'm talking to them, I feel so amazing. You know, I feel like we just get along so well.
[00:13:15]:
We can kind of, you know, really over index on this chemistry thing as, like, oh, it has to mean something that we have this incredible connection. Right? Oh, they're so charming. Oh, they make me feel so, you know, special and seen and all of these things. Again, nothing wrong with that, but we really need to also be paying attention to, is this person consistent? Are they reliable? Do they want the same things as me? Do their words and their actions match up? If there's no substance underlying that chemistry or that connection, then we're likely to be led astray, and we're much more prone to ending up in these situationships, some approximation of what we really want, because we've gotten carried away by how good it feels when we are connected with them. And then we, you know, get stuck in that cycle of chasing the high and kind of frantically wanting to get back to connection. So, you know, if they're not texting regularly or, you know, they're available and then they cancel at the last minute, rather than seeing that for what it is and going, okay. This person's probably, you know, not really committed to spending time with me. You know, they're a bit flaky.
[00:14:27]:
They're unreliable. That's not what I'm looking for. We instead go, oh, what did I do wrong? Have I upset them? How do I make them want me? Do I need to work harder so that this discomfort that I'm experiencing doesn't happen again, and I can, you know, secure them and the time together so that I can, you know, turn this into something more? I think we really need to see things for what they are, and sometimes chemistry, or a really strong connection, can blind us to reality. So just be mindful of that. Again, this won't apply to everyone, and chemistry is not in and of itself a problem that we need to solve for or be suspicious of. Again, I get messages from people being like, do I need to worry if I have good chemistry with someone? No, of course not. But it is good to bear in mind that some people, and you'll probably know if this is you, chemistry can lead you astray, or it can cloud your judgment or cloud your discernment, around other things that may or may not be in alignment about the relationship. So, just be careful about that if you know that that's you, and if you know that it has historically led you to end up in situationships or relationships that aren't actually in alignment with what you want, what you value, and how you want to be treated.
[00:15:46]:
Okay. And the 4th reason that you might find yourself ending up in situations time and time again is you fear that you can't do any better and that something is better than nothing when it comes to relationships. So if you're someone who really struggles with being alone, again, this is all very much connected to that worthiness thing. If you think that just having some connection, even if it's really not in alignment, if it's not what you want, but maybe you don't think you can do any better, maybe you've really struggled with being alone, maybe you've had a string of, you know, so called failed relationships, not that I would use that term, but I know a lot of people use it about themselves. If you've had that kind of relationship history, and you don't want to feel like a failure again, and you don't want to face what it might mean about you to get excited about someone and then be let down or disappointed again, because you tend to internalize that and make it mean something about your worth, your value, your lovability, in those circumstances, you might just hold on and, you know, stay connected because the alternative feels too painful, too scary, too overwhelming, too uncomfortable to bear. And so again, this might feed into some of those other things we've talked about where, you know, I'll just hold on and then maybe I can make them change, or with time it will get better. All of those stories we might tell ourselves, and I would say lies we might tell ourselves, not always, but often, a part of us knows on a deep level that the relationship isn't right, but we either hold on or we keep going back for fear that, you know, it's it's the best we're going to get even though it's so far short of what we truly want. So you might find yourself, you know, holding on or accepting much less than what you want or something very different to what you want, because you don't want to be alone, or even if it's not about being alone.
[00:17:39]:
You know, I hear a lot of people say, I'm actually okay with being by myself. It's not that I struggle to spend time alone, but it's what we make it mean when a relationship ends, and we have to let go of the fantasy that we had about what it could become, and how wonderful it could be. I think that's where it really stings. That's where it really hurts and kind of gets at our self worth, and all of those voices in our head can get really, really loud where we worry that it's always going to be this way, and we're always going to be stuck in this cycle. You know, the great irony of that is that the fear of always being stuck in the cycle is actually what keeps us in the cycle, because we hold on then, and we accept less than what we deserve. So it can be a really vicious downward spiral, if we allow it to be. So a really important thing is to go, you know, I'm not going to continue to participate on these terms. I'm not going to make myself available for something that falls so short of my standards, you know, my hopes, my desires for the kind of relationship that I want in my life, and you really have to trust that more is available to you if you're going to make that call.
[00:18:43]:
Because of course, if we really do believe that nothing better is out there for us, then why wouldn't we accept so much less, right? So that is a big mindset piece, a big, you know, self belief piece that we do need to address at the outset, if we do want to really up level in terms of the quality and caliber of connection that we are attracting, and pursuing in our lives, in our dating. Okay? So I hope that that was helpful, insightful, maybe you saw some of yourself in those patterns. And you know, again as always, this is not intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Quite the contrary, it's intended to empower you to take responsibility, to understand yourself, always with compassion, you know, recognizing that much of this comes from some pretty deep wounds that so many of us carry, so it's not something that you need to beat yourself up about, nor is it something that you need to feel, you know, condemned to a lifetime of being stuck in that pattern. All of this stuff is able to be unlearned and we can, you know, learn more effective and more aligned strategies for creating the life and, you know, the relationships that we want, and that's really what we're doing here. So, sending you lots of love. If today's episode resonated with you, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review or a rating, and definitely consider jumping on the wait list for Healing Anxious Attachment because everything that we've talked about today is very much in keeping of what we dive deep into over 8 weeks in that program. So I would love to see as many of you there as possible. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
situationships, modern dating, fear of rejection, anxious attachment, relationship coach, emotionally unavailable, commitment, self-worth, worthiness wound, noncommittal relationships, dating patterns, attachment theory, relationship guidance, boundaries in dating, communication in relationships, avoiding rejection, vulnerability in dating, trust in relationships, transforming relationships, emotional attunement, chemistry in relationships, compatibility in dating, prioritizing connection, avoiding loneliness, rescuing behavior, unhealthy relationships, secure attachment, online course, live coaching, relationship program
3 Tips for Avoidant Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
This week, we're talking all about how avoidant attached people can experience conflict in a healthier, more productive way. I'll be sharing three tips that will allow you to feel more connected, grounded and in control in the way you approach conflict in your relationship.
Navigating Conflict for Avoidant Attachments: Three Key Tips
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, for those with avoidant attachment styles, conflict can often feel particularly daunting. It may lead to withdrawal, a sense of numbness, or an overwhelming desire to keep the peace at all costs. Understanding how to navigate these situations can transform conflict from a point of contention into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Here are three key tips for those with avoidant attachment styles to experience healthier conflict in their relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Internal Experience
During conflict, it’s common for avoidantly attached individuals to feel overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. Rather than engaging, they might find themselves disassociating or unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it’s vital to communicate what is going on internally. A simple phrase like, “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the words right now,” can be profoundly impactful.
By acknowledging your experience, you offer your partner insight into your emotional state. This not only reduces the tension but also helps your partner feel heard and validated. Instead of viewing your silence as indifference or disengagement, your partner can understand that you are trying but are in need of a moment to gather your thoughts. This transparency fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an unproductive argument.
2. Listen Beyond the Words
Conflicts often come with a barrage of complaints and criticisms, especially when one partner has an anxious attachment style. For avoidant individuals, this can feel like an attack, prompting defensive reactions or withdrawal. Instead of responding to the literal complaints, try to listen to the underlying emotions and needs.
For example, if your partner says, “You never spend time with me,” they might actually be expressing feelings of loneliness or a need for more connection. By responding to the emotion beneath the complaint—such as saying, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely, and I’m sorry for that”—you demonstrate empathy and understanding. This approach helps to defuse tension and shifts the conversation from blame towards a mutual understanding and solution.
3. Requesting Time-Outs Constructively
When emotions run high, continuing the conversation can sometimes do more harm than good. If you feel yourself becoming too defensive or shutting down emotionally, don’t be afraid to request a time-out. However, it’s crucial to frame this request in a way that reassures your partner you are not avoiding the issue altogether.
Say something like, “I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we continue this discussion in a couple of hours?” Providing a specific time to reconvene signals to your partner that you are committed to addressing the conflict but need a moment to regain composure. This time can help both of you approach the issue with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state, making the conversation more productive.
Conclusion
Avoidant attachments can make conflict in relationships particularly challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable hurdle. By acknowledging your internal experiences, listening beyond the surface complaints, and requesting time-outs constructively, it’s possible to navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively. These practices can lead not only to a resolution but also to a deeper understanding and connection between partners. Embracing these strategies can transform conflict from a dreaded event into an opportunity for growth and closeness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding conflicts in your relationship? Reflect on why this might be – is it a fear of long, draining conversations or something else?
How do you typically respond when you feel overwhelmed during a conflict? Do you tend to shut down, dissociate, or become defensive?
Have you ever tried expressing that you’re struggling to find the words during a heated conversation? How did it impact the interaction?
How do you perceive your partner's complaints or criticisms? Are you able to see the underlying emotions or needs that might be driving their concerns?
When your partner feels neglected or lonely, how do you usually react? Can you think of ways to acknowledge their feelings more effectively?
During conflicts, do you notice yourself becoming highly defensive or numb? How do these responses affect your ability to resolve the issue constructively?
What might it look like for you to ask for a time out during a conflict? How can you communicate the need for a break without it feeling like an escape to your partner?
Reflect on a recent conflict. Were you able to understand your partner's underlying emotions and needs? How might you have approached it differently with this understanding?
How do you currently manage your need for space during conflicts? Is this communicated effectively to your partner?
Is there a pattern in your conflicts where you feel particularly misunderstood or invalidated? How might you address this with your partner to foster better mutual understanding and resolution?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are doing 3 tips for avoidant attaches during conflict. So if you listened last week, I did sort of part 1 of this topic, which was 3 tips for anxiously attached people during conflict. And as promised, I'm coming back with part 2 this week, which is around avoidant attachment, and some steps that avoidant attaches can take to shift the the status quo in conflict in your relationships. As I spoke to last week, we all contribute to these patterns even if we feel like it's really easy to blame the other person.
[00:01:05]:
You know, if they didn't do their thing, I wouldn't do my thing. That tends to be true on both sides, and that is good news because it means that we have more power over changing the patterns than maybe we realize. So today's episode is going to be sharing some pointers for avoidant people in conflict with your partner so that you can hopefully have more productive conversations where you can really hear each other and get to a resolution that is mutually satisfactory, quicker maybe than than you tend to. I know that for avoiding attaches, one of the big gripes with their anxious partners is, you know, having conversations that go on for hours and hours and hours. And I know that that can feel excruciatingly painful and can really feed into your resistance to talking about relationship stuff more broadly because you feel like every time you open the can of worms, it's signing up for one of those big, drawn out, long, emotional conversations that are so taxing for you. So hopefully with these few tips today, you can short circuit some of that and maybe find a new way of doing things that allows both you and your partner to get what you need out of those conversations rather than swirling around in them endlessly. Before I dive into these three tips, a reminder in case you missed it last week, Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature program, is coming back in a few weeks' time. So if you are interested in joining the wait list for that program, being on the wait list simply gives you guaranteed access to exclusive early bird pricing, as well as being notified when doors open so that you can make sure that you don't miss out.
[00:02:47]:
We've had over 2,000 people in the program. It always gets really beautiful feedback. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and would like to work on becoming more secure, I would love to have you there. So please do check that out if you're interested, jump on the wait list, and yeah, I hope to see as many of you there as possible. Okay. Let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and conflict. So as I did with anxious attachment, I will set the scene briefly. For avoidant attaches, I think it would be fair to say that conflict avoidance is the norm, and that can come from different places, as I alluded to in the introduction, that can come from a place of not wanting to have to embark upon those very long, painful conversations that can feel I think they're draining for everyone, but they're particularly draining for the avoidant partner who, you know, it is not their comfort zone to be talking about emotions for 3 hours, whether it's their emotions or someone else's, particularly when they feel like those conversations are just an opportunity for them to be dragged through the mud and told all of the ways that they are not good enough, not measuring up, disappointing their partner.
[00:03:58]:
That's a big ask for someone to sit through that. And so I think for avoidant attaches, there can be this sense of, let's just not talk about it. If we don't talk about it, then there's no problem. And they can be quite content with, you know, leaving things unsaid, maybe sweeping things under the rug because that feels much more peaceful and conducive to overall harmony than having those big conversations. Those conversations can just feel like, you know, from the avoidant perspective, it's like, why would we possibly want to do that? It is such a, you know, it is such a burdensome thing to have to do to sit through those conversations. Whereas for the anxious partner, it's, we absolutely must have those conversations because if we don't have those conversations, it's all I can think about. Whereas for the one partner, it's like, it's the last thing I want to think about, all of those issues in our relationship, so I just compartmentalize and carry on with my life quite happily. So again, neither is better or worse.
[00:04:57]:
It's just totally different approaches to conflict, and that's why it's so important to, you know, foster and cultivate more understanding and awareness of the ways in which our partner might be different to us, because then we can depersonalize it a bit and realize that, you know, they're not out to get us, they're actually just out to protect themselves, and this goes for most everyone. Okay. So for avoidant attaches, there can be this commitment to keeping the peace and harmony, as well as avoiding those sorts of conversations which really do detract from their overall sense of the relationship being worthwhile. I think that while anxiously attached people will happily have those conversations and have those sorts of conflicts, and not then think that there's anything wrong with the relationship. For avoidant attaches, it can really wear them down quite quickly and can make them feel like, you know, this shouldn't be happening. In a good relationship, we wouldn't be having these fights, and so it can really, you know, detract from their overall satisfaction with the relationship. So here are my tips for avoiding attaches during conflict. The first one is really simple but it almost feels like a hack because I think it is that simple but that effective.
[00:06:08]:
And it is if you don't know what to say, which will often happen for avoidant attaches because you tend to slow down during conflict, you tend to go blank, go numb, you might feel like your partner's just talking at you and you've totally dissociated from your body. You, you know, can't even hear them. You know, they're speaking for 5 minutes straight, and you can't actually remember what they've said. And so you just kind of sit there staring into your hands or staring at the wall, and you could feel their frustration and irritation mounting, and then they might get, you know, even more kind of attacking at you and say, well, aren't you gonna say something? You're just sitting there. I just said all of this stuff, and you don't even have anything to say. Don't you care at all? Those sorts of, you know, escalations which can feel just like a lot of pressure when you're already, you know, really struggling and really stressed, just say, I'm having a really hard time finding the words. I hear you, but I'm really struggling to gather my thoughts or to know what to say. That is 1,000,000 times better than saying nothing, I promise.
[00:07:11]:
And I say this as someone who leans more anxious. If my partner says, I hear you, but I'm struggling to find the words right now to articulate myself, that is so much better than him saying nothing. And that allows me to know that I've been heard and to feel validated and understood, but also it allows me to access compassion and empathy for the fact that, you know, he's having a hard time. When he just sits there silently, and to be fair, he doesn't do this very often, but if he just sits there silently, it's really easy for me to have an internal narrative that he, you know, isn't listening, doesn't care, isn't engaging, isn't putting an effort, just from that very fear driven self protective place. But as soon as he's able to articulate what's going on for him, you know, narrating that inner experience, of I'm feeling really numb, I'm having a hard time finding the words, immediately I can go, oh, okay. I know this person. I know they care. I know they're doing their best, and I don't have to feel so defensive, and I'm sure that applies for many people.
[00:08:14]:
So saying what you're feeling, even if it's I don't know what to say or I'm feeling numb or I'm feeling defensive, those things are so much better than saying nothing. Okay. The next one is and this is a big ask and it's really hard, but try to hear through your partner's complaint to the desire that sits underneath or to the emotion that sits underneath. So if you have a more anxious leaning partner, as you typically will if you are more avoidant, your partner probably comes at you in conflict with what sounds like a long list of complaints of things that you aren't doing right or that you need to do differently. And it's very easy and understandable that you would sit there and switch off or become very defensive in response to that, that you might want to argue with their analysis of you and point out all the ways in which they are wrong or you don't agree. But that will only lead them to feel invalidated and escalate and take your fighting back as proof that you don't really care about them and so on and so forth. Whereas if you're able to say, it sounds like you've been feeling a bit lonely when they're saying you never spent time with me and you don't even prioritize me. If you can find it within yourself to peel back the top layer, which is coming through as a complaint or a criticism or an attack, and go, what's the feeling under here? What are they needing from me? What's like the tenderness? What's the hurt? And can I speak to that? Can I respond to that rather than the actual words that they've said? Because I promise you, if you're able to say, I'm so sorry.
[00:09:52]:
It sounds like you've really been missing spending time together, or I hear you. I'm hearing that you're feeling neglected or lonely, or it sounds like it's hard for you. When I'm, you know, not communicative, I'm really sorry. I'll try and do better. It's almost like you're just taking a pin and popping the balloon, and it's all just gonna deflate all of that tension in your partner because really what they're doing and, you know, undeniably, they could be more skillful about it. Right? Anxious partners can be really almost aggressive in the way that they approach this, and that is not helpful. I will be the 1st to admit that, it's not productive. But if you can find it within yourself to look through underneath to the tender part of whatever it is they're trying to say, it will just stop the whole argument in its tracks, I promise.
[00:10:44]:
And that will really allow them to feel so seen and held, which is all they really want. Right? In all of those big, long conversations, I promise all they want is to feel validated and cared for. And so if you can find a way to say, I see you, it makes sense why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I care about what you have to say, it's just like the whole thing will will melt and you'll be back into connection. They'll let go of all of that anger and frustration that they're coming at you with, and you'll be able to find your way to a much more constructive solution much more quickly. So try and see through, you know, the complaint to whatever the the hurt or the pain is underneath. And if you can wrap that in some love and care, then you're going to be having a whole different conversation with a whole different version of your partner. Okay. And the third one is, and this is really one for you in terms of supporting yourself, don't be afraid to ask for a time out or some space if you need it.
[00:11:47]:
So it's really not worthwhile to persist in conflict if you are feeling really dysregulated, if you are, like, totally numbed out, if you are very angry and defensive, if you notice those sorts of responses coming up and you are just so entrenched in seeing your partner is the bad guy and is the enemy and you feel, like, a lot of anger or, you know, frustration, defensiveness towards them, there's no point in just persevering. And this is true on both sides. This is a tip for anxious people as well. There is no point persevering once you reach a certain point of dysregulation because you are not hearing each other. All you're seeing is like red. Right? Both of you. It's just in total threat mode, and you are just in attack, defend, fight, flight. It is not productive to have a conversation from that place.
[00:12:39]:
Your empathy is offline, your rationality is offline, you're both in this very tunnel visioned place. So don't just push through thinking that, you know, if you stay in it long enough you're going to find your way to a resolution. You almost certainly won't, you'll just end up hurting each other, and walking away from it feeling really depleted and disconnected. So don't be afraid to ask for a time out if you need one. And, you know, the helpful thing, and I've given this advice many times before, if you are more avoidant, say, look, I think we should take a time out. I notice I'm getting really defensive. I don't think this is going to be very constructive right now. Can we come back to this in 2 hours? Or whatever.
[00:13:18]:
But ask for the time out and serve up the reassurance of I'm not just trying to escape, I'm not just trying to get out of the conversation altogether, because if there's any sense of that, your partner is going to protest against the time out. But if you can say, I need some space and I do want to hear what you have to say, I just don't think I can right now. I don't think I have the capacity right now. And and really frame it in a way that I'm asking for this time out so that I can better hear you because this is important to me, and I do care, rather than I just need space because you're too much, and I don't want to deal with this right now, which is not going to land very well. So don't be afraid to ask for the time out if you need, but serve up the, you know, when and where we're gonna come back to this and follow through on that. Okay? Don't just wait until they raise it, or don't try and get out of it somehow. You know, be respectful of what you've said and and of them by coming back to the conversation when you said you would. Okay.
[00:14:16]:
So those were the 3 tips for avoidant attaches on better conflict. I hope that that's been helpful, both for those avoidant folks who are listening, but also for their anxious partners. Maybe you can listen to this together or or share it with your partner. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who do leave reviews and ratings on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. For anyone who wants to watch rather than listen, a reminder that these are all uploaded to YouTube, and if you wanna go and like and subscribe there, that is hugely helpful as I am trying to build a YouTube channel. It's very humbling to start from scratch on a new platform. But, yes, thank you for all of your support, and I hope to see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:19:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, avoidant attachment, conflict resolution, relationships, relationship tips, insecure attachment, healthy relationships, anxious attachment, emotional regulation, avoidant behaviour, communication skills, relationship coaching, attachment patterns, avoidance in relationships, anxious partner, avoiding conflict, emotional support, relationship dynamics, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, relationship struggles, practical guidance, understanding partners, managing conflict, attachment coaching, relational harmony, attachment awareness, emotional connection, relationship podcast, relationship tools
3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go.
Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
In today's episode, I'm sharing three tips for anxiously attached people to improve the way they approach and experience conflict. We cover things like slowing down and saying less, keeping things to one issue, and knowing when to leave the conversation and let things go. Be sure to tune in next week for Part 2 where we cover tips for avoidantly attached people in conflict!
3 Tips for Anxiously Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
Navigating conflict in relationships can be challenging, especially for those with an anxious attachment style. When emotions run high and misunderstandings abound, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and invalidated. However, with the right strategies, it's entirely possible to foster healthier, more productive conflict. Here are three actionable tips that can help.
Slow Down and Say Less
One of the most critical steps for managing conflict as an anxiously attached person is to slow down. When emotions are heightened, the body's natural stress response can kick in, propelling us into fight-or-flight mode. This physiological state can lead to racing thoughts, elevated heart rates, and a desire to react quickly.
Slowing down means taking a moment to breathe, grounding yourself before responding. It might involve taking a brief walk, practising deep breathing exercises, or stepping away from the conversation momentarily. The idea is to give yourself space to calm the nervous system and approach the conflict from a clearer, more centred place.
Equally important is the tip to say less. When anxious, there’s a tendency to over-explain, justify, or bombard the partner with a torrent of words and emotions. This barrage can overwhelm the other person, especially if they have a different conflict style. A measured, concise approach is often more effective, giving your partner room to process and respond thoughtfully.
Keep It to One Issue
In the heat of the moment, it's tempting to bring up a laundry list of grievances. While it might seem like a good idea to address everything at once, this can be counterproductive. Focus on resolving one issue at a time to avoid overwhelming your partner and muddling the conversation.
Choose the most pressing concern and stick to it. Clearly articulate what the specific issue is, how it makes you feel, and what you'd like to see change. This targeted approach makes it easier for your partner to understand and address your concerns, leading to more effective problem-solving.
Additionally, addressing one issue at a time helps in creating a sense of progress. When a specific concern is resolved, it builds trust and confidence that other issues can be tackled successfully in the future. It sets a positive precedent for future conflicts, showing that issues can be managed constructively and efficiently.
Know When to Let Things Go
Anxiously attached individuals often struggle with letting go of conflicts even after they've been addressed. It's common to revisit the same issue repeatedly, seeking assurance and validation. However, constantly reopening resolved matters can be frustrating for both partners and may hinder the overall relationship dynamic.
Learning to recognise when to let go is crucial. Once an issue has been discussed, and a resolution is in place, practice self-awareness and find ways to comfort yourself. Trust that your partner's efforts to address your concerns are genuine and that continuous nitpicking isn't necessary.
This doesn’t mean burying your feelings or ignoring unresolved problems. Rather, it’s about practising discernment to know when a conversation has reached its natural conclusion and when it’s appropriate to move forward.
Bonus Tip: Show Appreciation
For partners who lean more avoidant, engaging in conflict conversations can be particularly challenging. Acknowledging their effort to stay engaged can go a long way. Expressing gratitude for their willingness to discuss difficult topics not only creates a more positive interaction but also encourages them to remain open in future conflicts.
Simple statements like, "I appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me," can help foster a sense of mutual respect and understanding. It signals that their efforts are noticed and valued, which is essential in building a cohesive, supportive relationship.
Implementing These Tips
Implementing these strategies doesn’t guarantee a conflict-free relationship, but it does pave the way for healthier and more effective communication. Remember that change takes time and patience, both for you and your partner. Small, consistent efforts in adopting these tips can lead to significant improvements over time.
Slowing down gives room for more thoughtful interactions, while saying less helps prevent overwhelming your partner. Focusing on one issue at a time leads to more targeted problem-solving, and knowing when to let go prevents unnecessary rehashing of conflicts. Showing appreciation helps in recognising each other's efforts and maintaining a positive relational tone.
By practising these tips, anxiously attached individuals can find healthier ways to engage in conflict, ultimately creating a more secure and harmonious relationship dynamic.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself speaking rapidly and intensely during conflicts? How does this influence the way your partner responds to you?
Reflecting on the concept of saying less in conflict, how do you feel you could benefit from expressing yourself more concisely? Are there specific situations in which this might be challenging for you?
When you're experiencing internal pressure in your relationship, do you tend to mentally rehearse what you want to say? How do you think this impacts the actual conversation when it happens?
How do you usually feel after a conflict with your partner? Do you often achieve a sense of resolution, or does the conversation feel unfinished? Why do you think that is?
Do you find it difficult to keep conflicts focused on one issue? How does bringing up multiple grievances at once affect the dynamic between you and your partner?
What are some ways you can practice slowing down your physiological response during a conflict? How might this change the outcome of your interactions?
Consider the idea of letting go. Are there times when you struggle to feel reassured or comforted by your partner's attempts to address an issue? How do you usually respond in those moments?
Reflect on a recent conflict with your partner. How did your attachment style influence your approach and reaction? What might you do differently next time based on Stephanie's tips?
In what ways do you show appreciation for your partner's effort during difficult conversations? How could expressing more gratitude potentially change the conflict resolution process?
How do you perceive your partner's needs and responses during a conflict? Could practicing empathy and patience in these moments improve your relationship dynamic?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
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Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to have better conflict as an anxiously attached person. So I'm gonna be sharing with you 3 tips for changing your conflict patterns in your relationships. And I should say at the outset that this is going to be part 1, and next week's episode is going to be part 2 for avoidant attaches. So fear not. It's not something that you, as an anxiously attached person, need to solely fix in your relationship, the way that you experience conflict, I am going to follow it up with some tips specific to avoiding detachment. Because I think that while there are certainly general principles of better conflicting communication that most everyone can adopt and benefit from, I do think that this specific experience that you're likely to have and the things you're likely to struggle with can very much depend on your attachment style and attachment patterns and the strategies that go along with that.
[00:01:29]:
And so I think it is helpful to delineate between more anxious and more avoidant patterns in giving out advice on conflict. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. As I said, I'm going to be giving you 3 tips if you are someone with anxious attachment who wants to be able to have conflict in a way that doesn't feel so high stakes, so intense, maybe really long and drawn out, but ultimately doesn't really give you the relief that you're seeking. That's certainly a very common experience among folks with anxious attachment, is that there's anxiety and conflict avoidance in the lead up to conflict, but then once you're in it, it kind of goes on forever and ever without really giving you any sort of sense of satisfaction or true resolution. So hoping that I can give you some tips today on just small changes that you can make that will have kind of a knock on effect. And as with all of these things, we can only change our part of the equation, but oftentimes, that's all that's needed to then create a different relational environment, a different kind of vibe in the moment and in a broader sense that allows for a new way of doing things relationally. Before we get into all of that, I wanted to share that healing anxious attachment is coming back in a few weeks' time. For those of you who are new, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature program, and it is everything that I know and teach about the journey from anxious attachment to a more secure way of being in oneself and in relationships, distilled down into an 8 week program.
[00:03:06]:
If you are interested, this is going to be the 8th round of the program. Over 2,000 people have gone through this course, which is pretty amazing. I have to pinch myself sometimes when I hear that. But if you'd like to be part of this next cohort, I would love to have you in there and I would love for you to join the wait list via the link in the show notes where you can head straight to my website to do that. And that will guarantee you exclusive early bird pricing and, you know, making sure that you are notified as soon as registration opens at the end of the month or or early next month. I haven't finalized dates yet. But I would love to see you there if you're at all interested in not only really deep insights into why you are the way you are and you struggle with the things you struggle with, but also really practical concrete tools for you to learn a new way of being that is likely to get you closer to what you're looking for in secure relating. So all of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:04:01]:
You can also just head straight to stephanierigg.com and, yeah, I hope to see you there. Okay. So without further ado, let's talk about anxious attachment and conflict. So I might just set the scene a little. I do have previous episodes on conflict and anxious attachment, so you can keyword search those if you want to go deeper into that. But let's set the scene. So for most people with anxious attachment, as I said, there is this combination of oftentimes conflict aversion to a degree.
[00:04:32]:
So there might be a tendency to keep the peace, to not want to rock the boat, to kind of walk on eggshells or tip toe around someone from this place of, I just have to be easy, I don't want to be too needy, I don't want to be too sensitive, I have to be low maintenance. But of course, we know that's not honest or true, and so, internally, the pressure is rising and rising. And you've got all of these internal narratives going on about my partner doesn't care about me, and is it always gonna be like this, and what about my needs, and all of that. And then eventually, inevitably, something will happen, and all of this internal pressure will come flying out. Often times in a way that, for your partner who may have no idea of what's going on inside of you, for them it might seem like a total mismatch in terms of what's actually going on in the moment. And of course, as we know so often when we are really activated or triggered by something, we are responding to so much more than just what is happening in that moment. It comes with the weight of not only our history in that relationship, but our history in previous relationships, our family system. Our wounded parts can really come out with a vengeance when we are triggered in our relationship.
[00:05:46]:
So, that often happens for anxiously attached people. They can be this big blow up, and it can come out as quite attacking and accusatory and blaming. This sense that if I can just convey to you how much pain I'm in and how much pain you are causing me to be in, then you'll change. So if you're not immediately validating of me, then I just have to keep going and keep convincing you. Or maybe I escalate so as to convey to you how much pain I'm in, so that then it'll finally click for you, and then I won't have to be in pain anymore. As we know, that usually doesn't work, as much as it can feel like second nature to many of us with that pattern. If you have a more avoidant partner, or even if you have a broadly secure partner, it's not a very productive way of doing conflict. And more often than not, that kind of attacking critical style can very often elicit defensiveness in someone else, which then leaves the anxious person feeling invalidated and emotionally abandoned, which then leads them to kind of up the ante, and so on and so forth.
[00:06:48]:
We know how that goes. So let's go into these three tips that I want to give you. Now these are not going to be a panacea. It's not like you can implement these things and all of a sudden conflict's going to be a cup of tea for you and it's going to be really easy, but I do think that these things can help a lot. So the first one is slow down and say less. Okay? So if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns, you know that you probably go a 1000000 miles an hour, both in terms of the internal experience of your body. So physiologically, you're likely to be very much in your sympathetic nervous system, so that fight or flight zone of heart racing, heat. It feels like your body's kind of on fire.
[00:07:29]:
You might feel really clenched up and pupils dilated, all of those signs of, like, a full blown stress response. And that will be telling you to speed up. Do something, do something, do something. Right? But that's not really helpful in conflict because your partner is going to perceive you in that way. Imagine if you were interacting with another animal, like a dog, that was really worked up, you're immediately going to respond by feeling like, oh, I need to have my wits about me in interacting with this animal because they're really on edge. Same goes for us. Right? We often forget that we too are animals. But that's true, right, that we're very perceptive to each other's nervous system.
[00:08:10]:
So if yours is going, like, full pelt, really hyper activated, very stressed in a fight response, then that's not going to play well. You really need to consciously slow down, consciously fight against that pattern within you. And whether that means taking a break and doing something with that energy that isn't sending it in your partner's direction, like, you know, going for a run or or doing something to discharge the energy. Or if you feel you have capacity to, consciously down regulating if you, you know, have those tools at your disposal. But either way, just slowing down, right, is really important. Being able to have conflict in a more measured, grounded way is going to make a world of difference. And related to that is say less. Okay? So anxiously attached people, typically, and I say this as someone who's so guilty of it, by the time you get into actual conflict with your partner, chances are you have rehearsed what you're gonna say.
[00:09:08]:
You've had the practice conversation a 1000000 times over. Maybe you've been out on a walk, and you're talking to yourself about what you're gonna say and how you're gonna say it, and all of this stuff, you've given a lot of thought to having that conversation. You've been really, like, stewing in how aggrieved you feel for a long time prior to voicing it to your partner, and what that means is, like, when you finally have the stage, when you finally got your opportunity to say this stuff that's been really heavy inside you, usually it all just comes, like, flying out, and you've got a lot of words and you keep talking and you keep trying to say it in the right way so that you can persuade them, so that you can elicit the validation that you're looking for. There might be some protesting in there. All of this stuff, right? But, again, you're going at a 1000000 miles an hour and you just keep talking. And not only is that just kind of a lot to deal with and not particularly helpful, but when we layer over that that your avoidant partner doesn't operate in that way, they haven't been rehearsing the conversation, they don't have their full speech prepared, and they are probably going to be really overwhelmed by being hit with that barrage of information and emotion that is coming from you, because their baseline in conflict and we'll cover this in next week's episode when I talk more about avoidant attachment in conflict but their baseline in conflict is actually to slow way down. And again, that's a function of their nervous system, that's not something they're trying to do, but they tend to, like, space out and go numb and kind of be lost for words. And so when you have person a who is speaking at a 1000000 miles an hour and having a lot of emotion and getting really riled up, and person B who, at the best of of times struggles to find the right thing to say, those tend not to play very well against each other.
[00:10:57]:
So by saying less and slowing down, giving your partner an opportunity to find their words and not feel like they're under attack and under a lot of pressure from someone who's kind of explosive towards them, that's probably gonna lead to a much better way of doing things and much more productive where you're actually likely to be able to hear each other. Then if you're just bombarding them at a 1000000 miles an hour with so much analysis and information and opinion and emotion, that's going to be a lot for them to take in. So slow down. A kind of related point to that, which I'll just add quickly before I move on to the next one, If your avoidant partner is silent, you know, who you've asked them a question and they're sitting there in silence, and it looks like they're kind of thinking about it, try to resist the urge to say, well, aren't you going to say something? Or something like that. Right? Getting really impatient with them and wanting them to have the perfectly formulated response or kind of meet you at your pace. I think that can happen a lot, and again, just adds to that sense of, like, pressure and attack that isn't going to be conducive to a productive conversation. So try to be patient, slow down, say less. Okay.
[00:12:08]:
So the next tip that I want to give you on better conflict is keep it to one issue. So I think the temptation can be there for so many anxiously attached people to kind of come in with their whole shopping list of grievances, right, of all the things they want their partner to change. And I think this stems from that tendency that I spoke about earlier, which is when I have the opportunity, like when we're in conflict, when we're having a serious conversation, that's my window of opportunity to raise all of these things. And because I struggle to raise them in real time, I tend to internalize these little micro ruptures and moments of hurt or disappointment or whatever it might be. Because we file those away and then we stew on them, then when we are in conflict, it's really easy to see that as our moment, to then go, hey, but what about this thing? And last week, you did this, and I don't think I've forgotten about that, or, you know, all of these kind of extraneous things that aren't really directly related to the conversation or the issue at hand. Again, this is generally really counterproductive because your partner is just going to feel like you're not actually trying to solve what we're doing here. You're just trying to attack me. Right? I'm trying to meet you in issue number 1 so we can have a productive conversation about it, but it feels like you just wanna fight.
[00:13:31]:
Right? That's how it's gonna feel to the other person when you just kind of jump from lily pad to lily pad in terms of this issue, that issue, all the things that I am upset with you about that I've been harboring, that's likely gonna feel really overwhelming and demoralizing to your partner, particularly if they lean more avoidant because they're just not gonna know how to respond to that, and they're going to feel like a failure. They're gonna feel like a disappointment to you. They're gonna feel like nothing they do is good enough. There's no point. Why do I bother? Look how up you are with me all the time. Like, nothing I do is enough for you. Right? Those are all the sentiments that tend to come from that kind of pattern. So, as hard as it is, and I know it is hard because I know you don't want to have these conversations all the time, and so when you do get the opportunity, it is really tempting to just sneak in all of those other things that have been bothering you.
[00:14:27]:
Try not to. Try to just let that go and trust that in dealing with the problem at hand, you're much more likely to at least get resolution on one thing. Whereas the more issues you try and incorporate and kind of layer on top of each other, you're probably not gonna get anything resolved, and you're gonna walk away from that feeling less heard, less validated, less understood, which is obviously not what we want. So keep it to one issue if you can. Okay. The third tip that I want to give you is know when to let things go. So again, it's kind of related to the previous point around keep it to one issue. But, for anxiously attached people, the tendency is for these conversations to go on and on.
[00:15:08]:
Again, I get it. I can be guilty of that, of never really feeling like it's enough. If my partner is there and says, like, yes, I understand. I hear you. It's really hard sometimes to believe, like, but do you really understand? Do you really hear me? What are we gonna do about it? Right? There's this difficulty in just accepting the resolution, and, you know, not trusting that the issue is resolved or that your partner does really understand you. And so you kinda keep pushing and keep pushing and wanna relitigate and reopen every single aspect of the conversation, kinda keep testing. Again, in the same way as when we try and raise a 1000000 different issues at once, can leave our partner feeling kind of demoralized. I think when we can't just let it go and let near enough be good enough, You know, we're, like, wait until we have absolute assurance that we have the perfect solution, and we're never gonna have to deal with this again.
[00:16:09]:
I think that approach can be quite demotivating and discouraging for our partner who might be really genuinely trying to meet us in whatever it is that we're upset about. But when we are kind of dismissing or overlooking their genuine attempts, at validating us, at making a commitment to try and do something differently. When we're not really acknowledging them in that, then that can make them feel like, well, I give up. Right? Why bother? So I think there is really something to be said for knowing when to just let it go. It doesn't mean that you have to let the issue go forever, but just knowing when to leave the conversation and, you know, allow yourself to take in whatever your partner has said. Allow yourself to receive that reassurance rather than doubting it and trying to kind of chip away at it or undermine it. Again, I think that struggle with, like, really receiving and really feeling comforted by someone is very real among anxiously attached people. As much as we can ask for reassurance, oftentimes we're not very good at taking it in or believing it.
[00:17:21]:
So try and see the goodness in what your partner is trying to do. Try and see where they are making an effort to propose a solution. Even if you don't think it's the perfect solution, at least honor and acknowledge the effort. That's really much more likely to get you to a more positive overall relational environment. So do try and give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Do try and let things go when you can, and bring things back to a place of connection, acknowledgement, appreciation. And, you know, as a kind of little bonus tip at the end, I think it can be really positive, particularly with an avoidant partner who knows struggles having these conversations at the best of times. Voice your appreciation for them showing up to the conversation.
[00:18:08]:
Say, I know that you don't like having these conversations and I really appreciate you staying in this with me. I really appreciate you taking the time to try and understand or hear me out or whatever. Because that will help them to feel seen and acknowledged as well. Okay. I hope that's been helpful. I hope it's given you some food for thought. If you're someone who struggles with these things, I know it's really tough. I've been there.
[00:18:35]:
Sometimes I still am there. But it's all about just trying something new, taking ownership for the ways in which we contribute to the patterns that we find ourselves in, and even if we change it 1% every time we have one of these conversations, that's progress and worthy of celebration. So as I said, hope it's helpful. Sending you lots of love and make sure to tune in next week for part 2 where I talk about what avoidant attaches can do to improve their conflict experience. Okay. Thanks, guys.
[00:19:08]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, conflict resolution, relationship advice, attachment patterns, avoidant attachment, relationship coach, conflict communication, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, emotional abandonment, conflict aversion, fight or flight response, sympathetic nervous system, stress response, conflict avoidance, micro ruptures, relationship dynamics, partner validation, conflict patterns, relationship tips, emotional regulation, nervous system regulation, conflict intensity, relationship satisfaction, secure attachment, healing anxious attachment, attachment styles, relational environment, relationship struggles.
My 3 Favourite Quotes on Life & Love
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing with you some wisdom from three of my favourite writers and teachers on life, love and relationships. These quotes, from authors James Clear, Elizabeth Gilbert, and Brene Brown, have been hugely formative for me in my own journey and I hope you love them as much as I do.
Life and Love: Three Powerful Quotes to Guide You
Navigating life and relationships can often feel like trying to find your way in the dark. Fortunately, the wisdom of others can illuminate our path and provide invaluable insights. Here are three powerful quotes about life and love that can inspire and guide us towards greater self-understanding and healthier relationships.
Every Action is a Vote for the Person You Wish to Become
"Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity." – James Clear
James Clear, the author of *Atomic Habits*, captures a profound truth with this quote. It underscores the concept that meaningful change in our lives doesn't require radical shifts. Rather, it is the accumulation of small, consistent actions that shape our identity and destiny.
Imagine every action as a small vote. Each choice we make, no matter how insignificant it seems at the moment, contributes to the kind of person we are becoming. It’s a reminder of our power and agency, encouraging us to make conscious decisions aligned with our values and who we aspire to be.
For those grappling with low self-esteem or insecurity, this quote is a beacon of hope. It suggests that you don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. Instead, focus on the small, positive actions you can take daily. Over time, these actions will build up, creating evidence of a new, confident identity.
Control vs Anxiety: The Power of Surrender
"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety." – Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert’s words resonate deeply, particularly for those who struggle with anxiety and control. We often grip tightly to control, believing it keeps chaos at bay. However, in reality, control is an illusion. We never truly hold dominion over most aspects of our lives; we merely have anxiety masquerading as control.
This quote invites us to re-evaluate our relationship with control and surrender. Letting go doesn't mean becoming passive or indifferent. Rather, it means recognising the limits of our control and choosing to trust the natural ebb and flow of life more. This shift can lead to greater peace and less anxiety.
Consider integrating this wisdom into daily life by practicing mindfulness and acceptance. When anxious thoughts arise, remind yourself that clinging to control is counterproductive. Release your grip, embrace the uncertainty, and find solace in the present moment. This practice can lead to a more serene and fulfilling existence.
Boundaries: Stand Your Sacred Ground
"Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground." – Brené Brown
Brené Brown offers a succinct and powerful mantra for setting boundaries. Many of us struggle with boundaries, oscillating between shrinking (being too accommodating) and puffing up (being overly defensive). Brown's quote advocates for a balanced approach: standing your sacred ground.
Setting boundaries isn't about building walls or becoming rigid. It’s about honouring your own needs and values while maintaining respect and compassion for others. When you stand your sacred ground, you remain genuine and firm without aggression or submission. This balanced stance fosters healthier, more respectful relationships.
To put this into practice, begin by recognising your own needs and limits. Articulate these boundaries clearly and kindly. For example, if you need alone time after a busy day, communicate this calmly to your partner without feeling guilty or becoming defensive. This not only respects your needs but also strengthens mutual understanding and respect in your relationship.
Integrating These Quotes into Daily Life
These three quotes offer profound insights into living authentically and building healthier relationships. To integrate these principles into your daily life:
1. Reflect on Your Actions: Regularly evaluate your actions and choices. Are they aligned with the person you aspire to be? Making small, positive changes consistently can lead to significant personal growth.
2. Embrace Surrender: When you feel the urge to control, pause and breathe. Question whether control is truly possible or if it's merely perpetuating your anxiety. Shift your focus to acceptance and trust in the present moment.
3. Set Balanced Boundaries: Identify your needs and communicate them clearly. Practice standing your ground with kindness and firmness, without shrinking or puffing up. This will improve your self-respect and relationship dynamics.
By reflecting on and incorporating these timeless pieces of wisdom, you create a more intentional, balanced, and fulfilling life. Remember, profound change doesn't require grand gestures; it starts with small, deliberate steps taken with mindfulness and purpose.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you relate to the idea that "every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become"? Can you think of recent actions that align or misalign with the person you want to be?
Reflect on a time when you tried to exert control over a situation. Did it lead to more anxiety or resolve the situation? How might you approach a similar situation in the future with more surrender and trust?
Brene Brown's quote about boundaries suggests finding a middle ground between shrinking and puffing up. In your past experiences, have you found yourself leaning towards one of these extremes? How can you better stand your sacred ground?
James Clear mentions that "meaningful change does not require radical change." Can you identify small habits in your daily life that contribute positively to your self-identity? How can you cultivate more of these habits?
Elizabeth Gilbert highlights the illusion of control and its connection to anxiety. Reflect on an area of your life where you feel a strong need for control. How might releasing some of that control impact your mental and emotional well-being?
The concept of "we are what we practice" suggests that our daily actions shape our identity. Are there any practices or routines you currently engage in that you'd like to change to better align with your desired self?
When it comes to boundaries, what does "standing your sacred ground" mean to you personally? How can you implement this concept in your interactions with others?
Reflect on the idea of self-responsibility and self-respect as discussed by Steph. How do these concepts show up in your relationship with yourself and others? Are there areas where you feel a need to develop more self-responsibility or self-respect?
Contemplate the relationship between control and anxiety in your life. How can you practice more surrender and trust to reduce anxiety and improve your overall sense of peace?
Brene Brown's quote encourages advocating for yourself from a heart-centered place. Think of a recent situation where you felt compelled to set a boundary. How could you have approached it from a place of integrity and dignity? How did you feel in that moment, and what would you change, if anything?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am sharing with you 3 of my favorite quotes about life and relationships. So this is a slightly different episode to usual. I haven't done something like this before, but I thought it might be a nice way to borrow from the wisdom of other people, teachers who I find to be very inspirational and offer that to you as food for thought, and obviously, share with you what it is about these words and the ideas behind them that are, you know, particularly inspiring and that I find to be very profound, and how that might relate to other things that are more in the vein of what we usually talk about here, like attachment. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. I'm excited to share these with you, and I hope that you enjoy these quotes as much as I do. Before we dive into today's episode, a quick announcement that Healing Anxious Attachment, which for anyone who is new around here is my signature program, is coming back towards the end of the month or maybe early next month.
[00:01:34]:
Haven't quite decided yet. I'm exposing how poor my planning and project management is, but there it is, transparency. Healing Anxious Attachment is very near and dear to my heart. We've had over 2,000 students in the program since I first created it about two and a half years ago, and this will be the 8th cohort of the program. So I'm really looking forward to it. I have a renewed sense of energy having been on maternity leave and coming back. I'm looking forward to launching this program again for a new round of students. And if you're at all interested in joining, do jump on the wait list, which will entitle you to early bird pricing and first access when registration opens, as I said, towards the end of the month or early next month.
[00:02:19]:
And all of that is linked in the show notes, or you can head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com, and that should be easy enough to find your way to. Okay. So let's dive into these three quotes that I love, which are, to be honest, more about life than they are about specifically relationships, but I think that it would be arbitrary to draw a distinction between those things and suggest that quotes about life and selfhood don't relate to our, you know, intimate partnerships. So the first one is from James Clear, who is probably best known as the author of Atomic Habits, which is, you know, super best selling book that you've probably seen everywhere and many of you will have read. But this quote from James Clear is, every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity.
[00:03:19]:
I love this quote. Okay. I just have to pause before I keep talking. I'm recording this in my home office, and the birds outside my window, they always give me a bit of grief. But today, they are particularly noisy in their chirping. So I apologize. It is near impossible to remove from the recording. So hopefully, it provides a nice ambiance for those listening rather than an annoyance.
[00:03:40]:
But either way, my apologies for the bird noises. Okay. Back to James Clear. So every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. I love this concept. To me, it so beautifully articulates this idea of agency and self responsibility, and that we are what we practice. Right? I love this idea that we are what we practice. So many of us have a really fixed view of ourselves.
[00:04:05]:
We say, like, oh, I'm just this type of person, or that thing's not possible for me. That can often be really restrictive and constrictive to our identity. Obviously, this whole idea of a growth mindset is kind of softening those fixed, attributes that we've slapped on ourselves that keep us really small and stagnant. So I think that shifting into this way of looking at things, that's like, with every action that I take, I'm choosing what kind of person I wanna be. I'm, like, clocking runs on the board. And over time, the sum total of all of those little choices is my identity, which is in this constant process of formation and reformation. I think this is such an encouraging idea for those of us who do struggle with low self esteem or a lack of self belief, realizing that you have so much power moment to moment to actually just choose what kind of person do I want to be, What kind of person do I want to be today? In this moment and the next one and the next one? And recognizing that as you gain momentum in those choices, you know, you're taking one step at a time, but maybe down a different path to the path that you've previously been on. And all of a sudden, you'll look back and go, wow, I've taken a 1000 steps down this new path, and I'm actually quite a way away from where I started in the best possible way.
[00:05:28]:
So, every action you take is a vote for the type of person that you want to become. It's a very powerful concept, and one that, for me, is so in alignment with all of the things that I teach and talk about around self responsibility and self respect and self worth. Okay? Reminding ourselves what we are capable of, coming back to integrity, coming back to following through and making sure there is alignment between our, you know, values and our actions rather than just talking about things and never actually following through on them. Okay. Okay. The second quote that I love is from Elizabeth Gilbert, who's also an author, and it is, you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. I'm gonna say that again.
[00:06:15]:
You are afraid of surrender because you don't wanna lose control, but you never had control. All you had was anxiety. Alright? I feel like that one deserves a bit of a mic drop. When I first heard it, my therapist actually shared it with me. I was very much on point. Right? This idea that, like, oh, I can't let go of control. I can't surrender. I can't just hand my life over to the universe and say, look, I'm gonna choose to lead with trust.
[00:06:43]:
This idea of, like, I can't let go of control because all of these terrible things will happen. And reminding ourselves, like, we don't actually have control, we just have anxiety. Okay? And, like, that anxiety drives us to create an illusion of control in so many different areas of our lives. All of the ways that we grip and manipulate and try and play out every possible version of how something could happen so that we can plan how we'd respond and, you know, all of the suffering that we cause ourselves just to create this semblance of control in the face of uncertainty, when the reality is we never had control in the 1st place, we just had anxiety. And that anxiety both prompts us to seek control, but it also our attempts at creating control just perpetuate the anxiety. So I think there is immense freedom. And again, I teach this a lot in actually just recognizing how little we have control over, and letting that be a source of peace and surrender rather than fueling the anxiety. It's just it doesn't make any sense to continually be at war with what is, And the reality is that we don't have control over the vast majority of things that are going on in the world, even that happening in our lives.
[00:08:00]:
You know, our sphere of control is relatively limited compared to all of the things that we try to exert control over. So making peace with that, recognizing what your relationship to control is, and asking, do I actually have control, or do I just have anxiety? And my bet would be that it's the latter, right? We just have anxiety, not control. So in light of that, maybe we might try and take more steps towards surrender, and peace, and trust in, you know, the ebb and flow of life, recognizing that it doesn't really matter either way, because even if we try to control, it's not going to work. So maybe if those attempts at control are just causing us stress and anxiety, without having any efficacy attached to them, letting go might provide an alternative way of being that we could explore and play with. Okay. Now the 3rd quote that I love is from Brene Brown, and this quote is around boundaries. And again, if you've been in any of my programs, I think I mentioned this quote in my boundaries masterclass. It is, don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground.
[00:09:13]:
Okay? Now, I'll say that one again. Don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand your sacred ground. So it's this idea of when we talk about boundaries, most of us, by default, will either shrink, get very small, or we puff up. We have this bravado or this aggression, and I've talked many times about that pendulum swing that oftentimes we go from having no boundaries to having very dictatorial boundaries where we wanna tell everyone what they can and can't do, and how dare you, and you're violating my boundaries, and we don't really know how to find ourselves to a moderate place, a middle ground, a balanced approach to boundaries that actually is conducive to healthy relationships. Because the puffing up and the shrinking both exist at opposite ends of the spectrum. It's diffuse boundaries or it's rigidity, and neither of those tend to yield what we're wanting, which is you know, I talked about this in a recent episode around boundaries. We want to be able to stay connected to self and connected to other, and boundaries are a really powerful tool to allow us to do that, to facilitate that, because it essentially communicates, here's what I need in order to feel safe while being connected to you. Right? Now, this idea of just stand your sacred ground, I think there's something really powerful and poignant in those words.
[00:10:31]:
It's very evocative, at least for me. You know, firm, feet planted, really heart centered. I don't need to shrink. I don't need to make myself smaller to gain your approval, or to hold on to a relationship, or whatever it might be. I can stand firmly planted in my truth, in my dignity, in my integrity. I can advocate for myself from that place, trusting that whatever flows from that is the right thing. Because how could being grounded in my integrity lead to the wrong outcome, whatever the wrong outcome might be? Again, I think we get so tied up in the right outcome is the one that I want. I think this loops back to our desire to control everything, other people, and the world around us.
[00:11:18]:
So I think that learning to orient ourselves back to center, go, okay, how can I advocate for myself in this moment? What do I need to say? Can I say it from my heart? Can I say it vulnerably, but with care and kindness? And then whatever flows as a result of that, even if the other person blows up and gets really defensive, or even, God forbid, a relationship ends as a result of it. What else could you have done? Right? What else could you have done? You spoke from a true, honest, integral, heart centered place, And that that means that you save yourself so much possibility of regret because, you know, you didn't blow up at them, you didn't bite your tongue, you stood your sacred ground. And I think that's an incredibly empowering thing that is so conducive to inner peace, and, again, really affords us more capacity for that surrender that we talked about in the previous quote around trust and control. So those are my 3 quotes that I wanted to share with you. I hope that you got something out of those. I hope that you like them, love them as much as I do, and that they've given you something to reflect on today as you go about your day, move about the world. That the wisdom that I've borrowed and shared from those wonderful teachers has given you what you need today, whatever that looks like for you. So thank you so much for joining me.
[00:12:44]:
A reminder again, if you want to be part of Healing Anxious Attachment, the upcoming cohort, jump on the wait list. There's obviously no obligation around the wait list. It just does get you that early bird pricing, which is only available to folks on the wait list. Okay. That's all from me, guys. Thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next time.
[00:13:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, Relationships, Quotes, James Clear, Atomic Habits, Agency, Self Responsibility, Self Respect, Self Worth, Elizabeth Gilbert, Control, Anxiety, Surrender, Brene Brown, Boundaries, Integrity, Healing Anxious Attachment, Growth Mindset, Selfhood, Trust, Heart-Centered, Inner Peace, Maternity Leave, Cohort, Program
A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
In today's episode, we're talking about boundaries. Boundary setting is one of those areas that we hear about so much in the personal development world, and yet bridging the gap between theory and practice remains a challenge for most of the folks that I work with (particularly those with an anxious attachment style).
We cover:
Why boundary setting is so hard for people with insecure attachment patterns
How anxious and avoidant attachment styles differ in boundary setting
The truth about boundaries in healthy relationships
How to navigate a fear that setting boundaries will lead to the relationship falling apart
A Hard Truth About Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship. They serve as markers that define where one person ends, and another begins, allowing for mutual respect and understanding. However, setting and upholding boundaries can be particularly challenging, especially for those with insecure attachment patterns. Let's explore why this is the case and uncover some hard truths about the process.
The Struggle with Boundaries
Many people find boundaries difficult to both set and maintain. This is often because they did not have healthy boundaries modelled during their formative years. Growing up without a clear blueprint of what boundaries look like, individuals may find themselves in adulthood either unable to establish personal limits or overly rigid in their approach.
If boundaries feel awkward or unnatural, it may be due to a lack of practice and understanding. Remember, enforcing boundaries isn’t about rigidly adhering to a list of rules but about knowing and communicating what feels acceptable and safe.
The Impact of Attachment Styles
Different attachment styles experience boundary-setting in diverse ways. For those with anxious attachment, the idea of setting a boundary can elicit fear. There's an underlying anxiety that enforcing a limit may lead to a loss of connection. This fear often leads to self-sacrifice, where personal discomfort is ignored to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.
Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment may put up very strict, ironclad walls to protect themselves from perceived enmeshment and loss of self. These walls can be so rigid that they prevent genuine intimacy and connection. Healthy boundaries shouldn’t be so flexible that they’re non-existent, nor should they be so rigid they become barriers to intimacy.
Misconceptions and Hard Truths
A common misconception is to view rigid boundaries as a sign of security and confidence. In reality, boundaries formed out of fear and a need for self-protection do not equate to healthy self-assurance. True security in boundaries incorporates a balance, allowing for both personal space and connection without fear.
One hard truth about boundaries is that they often come with a cost. Particularly for the anxiously attached, the fear of not getting what one desires after setting a boundary can be a significant deterrent. The possibility of experiencing a loss of connection can make it tempting to forgo boundaries altogether. However, enduring discomfort and self-sacrifice for the sake of connection leads to anxiety and internal tension.
Navigating the Tension Between Self and Other
An important realisation is that true, healthy relationships do not ask one to choose between self-respect and connection with others. If advocating for oneself often results in the withdrawal of affection or connection, it serves as a warning sign. While this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, it indicates that changes are needed to achieve a secure, emotionally safe relationship.
It’s essential to find a balance between advocating for personal needs and maintaining flexibility and understanding toward the other person. This isn’t about ultimatums but about knowing what non-negotiables are crucial for one’s sense of safety and wellbeing.
The Courage to Hold Firm
When setting a boundary, it’s crucial to decide whether the boundary matters enough that being in a relationship where it is not respected is unacceptable. This does not mean becoming rigid in every small request, but it means recognising and holding firm on what is fundamentally important.
It’s essential to follow through on communicated boundaries. Declaring a boundary without enforcing it weakens its impact and can lead to self-abandonment for the sake of preserving the relationship. True growth often requires courage and a commitment to one’s self-respect and emotional safety.
The Path to Authentic Connection
Understanding that relinquishing personal boundaries to maintain a semblance of connection is detrimental is liberating. Constantly sacrificing personal comfort and authenticity for the sake of keeping someone close leads to anxiety and insecurity.
Healthy relationships respect and value boundaries, fostering an environment where open communication and mutual respect thrive. Each step in setting and upholding boundaries builds a foundation for authentic, secure connections that honour both personal needs and mutual respect.
In summary, setting and upholding boundaries, particularly within the context of attachment styles, involves reflection, courage, and continuous practice. While it may initially seem daunting, the process ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships marked by mutual respect and genuine connection.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find it challenging to set boundaries in your relationships? What fears or anxieties come up for you when you think about setting boundaries?
Reflect on a time when you felt your boundaries were not respected. How did that experience impact your sense of safety and connection within the relationship?
How do you currently navigate the tension between maintaining a connection to others and staying true to your own needs and feelings?
Do you recognise a pattern of abandoning your own needs in order to keep the peace or maintain a relationship? How has this impacted your emotional well-being over time?
When you think about setting a boundary, do you worry about potential consequences, such as the loss of the relationship? How do these worries influence your actions?
Consider the types of boundaries you tend to have. Are they more diffuse and porous, or rigid and uncompromising? What are the effects of these boundary styles on your relationships?
Do you find yourself negotiating with your own comfort levels and needs in order to avoid conflict? How might this affect your long-term happiness and sense of self?
Is there a specific boundary that you know needs to be set in your life right now? What is stopping you from setting and upholding this boundary?
How might you start to practice better boundaries in small, manageable ways within your existing relationships? What steps can you take today to move towards healthier boundaries?
Reflect on the idea that a healthy relationship should not require you to choose between connection to self and connection to other. How has this perspective shifted your understanding of your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
📣 FLASH SALE: Get my Better Boundaries masterclass for just US$30 (usually US$88)
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about boundaries, and specifically why you might struggle to set, uphold, and be on the receiving end of boundaries, particularly in your intimate relationships. So, boundaries are one of those areas that I think most of us will be relatively well acquainted with, at least on a surface level, if you spend any time in the personal development space. It's pretty hard to scroll through Instagram, at least if your algorithm looks anything like mine, and not encounter some sort of content around boundaries. And yet I know from speaking to so many people in my community, in my programs, that boundaries continue to be really challenging. And it's something that a lot of people, I think, have a theoretical grasp of, but, you know, the practical implementation, the doing piece, still feels really challenging. And I think oftentimes there is that gap between theory and practice in so much of this work, which is why, you know, so much of the magic is in taking those real life steps rather than just trying to read or listen our way to growth.
[00:01:36]:
So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing a little bit on why boundaries feel hard for so many of us, particularly those of us with insecure attachment patterns at both ends of the spectrum. So despite what you may think, which is that boundaries are, you know, hard for anxiously attached people, but not so much for avoidant people, I would push back on that and say that I think boundaries are a challenge for both anxious and avoidant leaning people, although they can certainly look different. And I suppose also share some hard truths about boundaries because I think there are many misconceptions when it comes to boundaries, and sometimes we have to reckon with the reality that boundaries will come at a cost. And I think that's, you know, the great fear that underpins boundary setting for so many of us, particularly those of us with more anxious patterns, is that, you know, we'll set the boundary, and then we won't get what we want, so to speak. And then we'll have to deal with the consequences, which might be a loss of connection or something else that we desperately want to avoid. So talking through some of those pain points, I suppose, and validating how hard it is and why it feels so hard, but while also serving up some hard truths. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I just wanted to share, I moments before hitting the record button, I thought I might offer a special deal on my Better Boundaries masterclass.
[00:03:08]:
So you can go on to my website, and the masterclass is usually $88. I'm going to put it on sale for $30. You won't need a discount code or anything. I'm just going to modify the price at the checkout. So if you are interested in going a little deeper on the topic of boundaries and you wanna save, and we do the math off the cuff here, over 60% on on the cost of that masterclass, head to my website or click the link in the show notes, to grab the Better Boundaries Masterclass for just $30. Okay. So let's talk about why boundaries are hard. I think for most of us, we did not grow up with good boundaries.
[00:03:46]:
We did not have that modeled for us. We did not have a blueprint of what healthy boundaries look like. And so we tend to progress through to adulthood without really knowing what boundaries look or feel like. And that tends to go one of 2 ways. Either we are boundaryless, we have very porous or diffuse boundaries in that, you know, we let anyone in as much as they want. We have no sense of demarcation of what is okay for us, what we're comfortable with, And likewise, we are not terribly good at respecting or perceiving other people's boundaries, and so we want to be as much in their world as we possibly can, this idea of enmeshment. The other version of things, and this tends to align more with avoidant attachment patterns, is we're maybe afraid of enmeshment. Maybe that's been part of our family system or other relational experiences that we've had, And so we fear engulfment.
[00:04:44]:
We fear loss of self. And so we put up these ironclad walls to keep people at bay. And, you know, both of these versions of unhealthy boundaries, you know, the very diffuse, porous kind or the very rigid, uncompromising kind, Neither of those are healthy. And, you know, I'll just say as a side note, I think for people with more anxious attachment patterns, they can sometimes see their avoidant partner's very rigid boundaries, as, you know, an expression of security. Like, wow, there's a confident look at their boundaries. But you know, a very black and white boundary is not necessarily what we're going for here. That's not a sign of, you know, security if it's coming from this fear driven place of self protection at all costs. What we're really aiming for when we talk about healthy boundaries is something in the middle, as is so often the case.
[00:05:37]:
And people with a secure attachment tend to be pretty naturally good at this. They can advocate for themselves in, you know, what works for them, what doesn't, what they need, but they don't forget that there's someone else in that equation. And so there's this level of flexibility and an openness to maybe negotiate or understand another perspective rather than just kind of clamping down and saying, you know, it's my way or the highway laying down the law, or otherwise kind of collapsing altogether. So as you can see in these patterns, and particularly for more anxious people, what often emerges is this tension between connection to other and connection to myself. And if we think of a healthy boundary as being that feels so foreign and why it feels so hard. Because if you have more anxious attachment patterns, probably all you've ever really known is sacrificing connection to self in the interest of maintaining connection to other. We know that that's very much at the heart of anxious attachment is, so long as I'm connected to you, that's really all I need in order to feel safe, in order to feel happy, in order to feel valuable and worthy. And so I will do whatever I need to do.
[00:06:58]:
I will contort myself. I will swallow my words. I will override my discomfort with something in order to maintain the connection with you, even if that connection starts to look and feel like something that isn't really what I truly want or what I'm truly comfortable with, because I have this framework of, like, connection is better than no connection, no matter what that connection looks or feels like. So just really validating that if you have this more anxious attachment pattern, you may struggle to set boundaries to even think about doing it, because you have so much anxiety that the other person's not going to meet you in the boundary and be receptive to it, and that they're just gonna say, well, if that's your boundary, I'm not interested. I'm gonna walk away. And when the the cost feels so high, right, when you feel like the the consequence of setting your boundary could be the loss of the relationship, All of a sudden, the thing that you're wanting to set the boundary about starts to pale by comparison. You start to negotiate with yourself and go, well, do I really care that much about this thing that you know, has been bothering me? But if it means that I'm gonna lose the relationship, maybe I'll just stay quiet about it. Maybe I'll just sweep it under the rug.
[00:08:11]:
Maybe I'll just kind of suck it up and deal with it myself, because it's not that big a deal that it would be worth losing the relationship over. Right? That's often the internal dialogue. Now, that obviously begs the question of, like, what do we do with that? What do we do with this tension between connection to self and connection to other? And I think that a really important thing to understand, as I sort of alluded to, is that healthy relationships don't ask you to choose one of those two things. Right? If you are being made to choose between what feels safe to you, which is really what we're trying to lay down with the self advocacy of setting a healthy boundary. And you're feeling like to advocate for yourself in that way will likely lead to the withdrawal of the connection, whether through some sort of punitive measure like stonewalling or, you know, someone just withdrawing on you and going quiet, or getting very defensive, shutting down, or leaving the relationship altogether. But this sense of, If I step forward and take up space and advocate for myself, there's going to be some sort of adverse consequence in terms of our connection, then that is kind of I hesitate to use the term red flag. If you've listened for a long time, you know I don't tend to use that kind of language, but it is a bit of a warning sign that there are other things that are not, you know, working as they should in terms of the emotional safety of the relationship. Now does that mean that the relationship is doomed? No.
[00:09:42]:
A lot of us will not have, like, really wonderful emotional safety and security as a baseline if we're coming to a relationship with insecure attachment patterns. That's the whole point of this work, is that we need to learn and practice those things. But it is a sign that something needs to shift if you are wanting to build a secure relationship, because continuing with the status quo where you are afraid to advocate for what you need in order to feel safe and loved and secure, if you're afraid to speak those things and to stand firm on them because you're worried that you're going to be punished in some way with the withdrawal of love and connection, it's going to be very hard to ever feel emotionally safe, when that dynamic is present. So really recognising that this stuff is important, and that bargaining with yourself on, is this really worth losing the relationship over? Am I asking for too much? Should I just let it go and make myself be comfortable with something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't think that that path is going to lead you to the peace that you seek or the connection that you seek. It's likely to lead you to more anxiety and more internal tension, because the truth of what you are comfortable or not comfortable with, you know, it remains. And it's just you trying to silence that in the interest of holding onto, you some semblance of connection or relationship with someone, even if it's not on the terms or in the way that you truly desire. So all of that to say, and this is kind of where the hard truth comes in, there's no way and I I'll often get questions from people in the vein of how can I make sure that speaking my boundary and, you know, standing firm, enacting my boundary, it's probably more important than speaking? And I think oftentimes we speak it and then we don't follow through in our actions. We kind of declare this big boundary.
[00:11:41]:
And then if we get any pushback, we quickly try and backpedal and chip away at our boundary again, to hold onto that connection. But when setting a boundary in a relationship, you need to decide for yourself whether that boundary matters enough, that you are not willing to be in a relationship where that boundary is not respected. Okay? Now, of course, we're not talking about, like, any and every little request or boundary that we might speak to in a relationship. I'm not encouraging you to be, you know, really rigid and absolute about this. But if there are big things, things that you know are really fundamental and important to you, then you need to let them be fundamental and important to you. You need to let them be nonnegotiable, if that's what they truly are in your heart. And you need to get honest with yourself about the fact that you're not willing to be in a relationship where those things are not respected. And if that means that in communicating your boundary to someone about, you know, I am not willing to go on like this, here is what I need.
[00:12:56]:
Here is what I am going to do if this thing happens again. You need to be willing to follow through on that. You need to be committed enough to yourself that you're gonna follow through on that rather than being more committed to holding onto the connection and letting go of abandoning yourself, for the sake of of just holding on. I know that this is incredibly challenging. I have struggled with it my whole life, and it's not something that you're going to be able to switch overnight, but that really is the work. That is the crux of the challenge, particularly for more anxious folks around boundary setting, is that you need to recalibrate this whole conception of connection to other, connection to self, and recognise that if a connection with someone else requires that you let go of your connection to self, that you abandon yourself, that you lie to yourself, that is not the relationship that is going to bring you peace, that is going to bring you safety, that is going to bring you security. And, you know, there is grief and there is liberation in recognising that. So I hope that that has given you something to think about.
[00:14:18]:
I know that it's really tough. I know that you can probably hear this a 100 times. And if you're in that situation where you feel like things are on the brink and so you're really scared of saying the thing that needs to be said for fear of those consequences, I I totally understand, and I'm there with you in spirit and sending you so much love. This is really where your courage is required, and sometimes growth does really ask that we get very honest with what we want, what we need, who we are, really. What is authenticity to me in a relationship, and what am I willing to sacrifice just for the sake of holding on? And is it really worth what it's costing me, to hold on to someone when things that are fundamental to my sense of safety and my sense of self are not being respected in this relationship. So sending so much love, particularly to anyone who's struggling with this at the moment. It's really big work, but, you know, just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, and I'm, as I said, there with you in spirit.
[00:15:27]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
boundaries, insecure attachment, attachment patterns, personal development, intimate relationships, healthy relationships, emotional safety, connection to self, connection to other, anxious attachment patterns, avoidant attachment patterns, porous boundaries, rigid boundaries, Better Boundaries masterclass, self-advocacy, relationship dynamics, loss of connection, negotiation, enmeshment, engulfment, emotional security, self-protection, flexible boundaries, social media, practical implementation, relationship coach, family system, blueprint, stonewalling, setting boundaries, attachment theory.
3 Life Lessons I Wish I'd Learned Sooner
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
In today's episode, I'm sharing three life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. These are around the theme of self-awareness, personal responsibility and consciously creating the life that we want for ourselves.
Last Chance to Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! - Kicking off 29 July 2024.
3 Life Lessons That Cultivate Self-Worth and Happiness
The journey to self-worth and happiness is neither quick nor easy. Significant life lessons often come from years of growth, reflection, and sometimes even hardship. Yet, certain insights can be transformative and invaluable when learnt earlier in life. Here are three important life lessons that revolve around self-worth, responsibility, and respect, which, when embraced, can significantly improve your relationship with yourself and others.
You Cannot Outrun Yourself
It's tempting to believe that changing external circumstances will resolve inner conflicts. Whether it's leaving a job, ending a relationship, or moving to a new city, it's easy to convince oneself that a change in scenery is the answer. However, the reality is that internal issues follow you wherever you go. The patterns and core beliefs you hold about yourself are deeply ingrained and will reappear in new situations unless they're addressed.
Understanding this can be empowering. It shifts the focus from external to internal, encouraging you to face and resolve the root causes of your unrest. By addressing core beliefs and undertaking the courageous work of healing, you can break free from recurring negative patterns. This internal work is essential for personal growth and building a fulfilling, stable life.
Inaction is a Choice for More of the Same
Choosing not to make necessary life changes can create an illusion of passivity, as if you're simply staying still. In reality, life is always in motion, and not taking action towards positive changes means you are subconsciously choosing to stay on the same path. This path will lead to more of what you currently experience, be it dissatisfaction, stress, or unfulfilment.
Reframe this passive stance by recognising that every day, through your actions and inactions, you're shaping your future. Evaluating your daily choices and habits can illuminate where you're inadvertently choosing more of the same. This awareness fosters a sense of responsibility and agency, propelling you towards the necessary changes that align with the life you wish to lead.
Self-Respect Must be Earned
Self-respect is not something granted externally; it is earned through the alignment of actions and values. Earning self-respect involves knowing your values and consistently acting in accordance with them. When your behaviour mirrors your values, integrity and self-respect naturally follow.
Reflect on moments where you've felt shame or discomfort after certain actions. Such feelings often indicate a misalignment between your behaviour and your values. While perfection is unattainable, diligently striving to close this gap leads to a more authentic and fulfilling relationship with yourself. Achieving self-respect requires effort and honesty, but it's a gratifying journey that fortifies your self-esteem and personal integrity.
Embrace Self-Responsibility for Lasting Change
Central to these life lessons is the concept of self-responsibility. Only by fully embracing the responsibility for your thoughts, actions, and their consequences can you enact meaningful and lasting change. Recognising that you are the architect of your life brings a powerful sense of agency.
Taking responsibility might be daunting, but it is the cornerstone of personal development. Every decision, no matter how small, is a step toward crafting the life you desire. By actively choosing actions that align with your values and desired outcomes, you gradually build a fulfilling and respectful relationship with yourself.
Cultivate Self-Worth and Thrive
These life lessons—acknowledging that you cannot outrun yourself, understanding that inaction is a choice for more of the same, and recognising that self-respect must be earned—are fundamental for personal growth. They guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and encourage a proactive approach to life's challenges.
Embracing these lessons fosters a sense of self-worth and helps cultivate healthier relationships with others. They inspire you to confront internal issues, take meaningful actions, and align your behaviour with your values. As you internalise these lessons, you'll find that your relationship with yourself transforms, paving the way for a more content and fulfilling life.
By understanding and applying these principles, you embark on a journey to greater self-awareness, responsibility, and respect. This journey, while challenging, holds the promise of deep personal satisfaction and authentic happiness. Embrace these lessons and watch as they enrich your life, helping you to overcome insecurity and build thriving, healthy relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same relationship patterns despite changing partners or circumstances? What does this tell you about the internal work that might still be needed?
Reflect on a situation where you avoided making a necessary change. How did holding back affect your overall sense of fulfilment and self-respect?
Evaluate your current level of self-respect. Are your day-to-day actions aligned with your core values? Where do you see room for alignment and improvement?
Think back to a time when you acted out of alignment with your values. How did this impact your sense of self-worth and self-respect?
How do you currently handle feelings of discomfort or shame? Do you avoid facing them, or do you address the underlying causes?
In what ways do you find yourself blaming external circumstances for your unhappiness rather than taking self-responsibility? What changes could you make to shift this dynamic?
What beliefs or patterns from your past do you find most challenging to overcome? How can you start to reprogram these beliefs to create healthier relationships?
Reflect on an area in your life where you feel stuck. What small, actionable steps can you take today to start moving in a new direction?
How do you define self-respect for yourself? What are tangible actions you can take to cultivate it daily?
Visualise the kind of life and relationships you want. What actions and changes do you need to take now to start moving towards that vision?
These questions and prompts encourage self-reflection and action in alignment with the core themes of self-worth, self-respect, and self-responsibility discussed in the episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm sharing 3 pieces of advice or three life lessons that I wish I had learned sooner in life. Now, while I'm grateful to be relatively young and having learned these lessons, at least, you know, I think we're always learning and relearning lessons, but I feel like I've got a a reasonable grip on the 3 that I'm gonna share with you today. And while I'm grateful to have learned them relatively early on in life, I still wish I'd learned them sooner, and I think that I spent a lot of years in my late teens and early twenties flailing a little bit in terms of my relationship with myself and some of my relationships with others on account of not really having a grasp of these lessons. So these are all around the themes of self worth, self respect, self responsibility. And I think they're absolutely integral no matter where you sit on the attachment spectrum, no matter your age or situation or background. These are really foundational to any kind of positive relationship with self.
[00:01:30]:
So I'm looking forward to sharing these with you today. Before I dive into that, this is the final call to join the Secure Self Challenge, which, for those who are not familiar, is my 28 day challenge all about building self worth. We kick off next Monday, so about 5 days from when this will go live. And I would love to have you there. It's really short and sweet. It's very doable. It's kind of action oriented rather than really heavy theory and long lessons and lots of stuff to do. There's a strong community focus, so the community is already open.
[00:02:02]:
So if you were to sign up today, you would get an invite to the community where, you know, everyone is already sharing and connecting and getting to know each other. That's a space where you can also ask me questions and get feedback, and we've got a live call next week. So it's really great value. It's one of my most affordable actually, it is my most affordable live program, and I would absolutely love for you to be part of it. So if you're at all interested, definitely check it out. It's in the show notes. It's on my website, stephanierigg.com, and I would love to see you there. Okay.
[00:02:31]:
So let's dive into this conversation around 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Okay. The first one is you cannot outrun yourself, so wherever you go, there you are. I think this is so important because it's really easy for us to think that when we're in an unsatisfactory situation, relationship, job, whatever it might be, if you're feeling a bit stuck in life, particularly where there's a theme where it's kind of a recurring pattern and you've been there before, you've felt that way before, it's so easy to convince ourselves that changing the circumstances, leaving the relationship, or leaving the job, whatever, that doing that kind of outer work will resolve whatever inner conflict we're experiencing. And that's not to say that making environmental changes can't be part of that shift, that making healthier choices in terms of the relationships we're in or changing jobs if we're in a really toxic work environment, all of those things can be part of self growth. But if we're not actually addressing the root cause of how we got to where we are and what is it within us that has landed us in that pattern again and again, then there is every chance that you will find yourself in some version of that the next time around. It's it's very rare that without the self awareness and the intentional kind of reprogramming of those wounded parts of us, we're incredibly adept at recreating circumstances that bring us into contact with those things, that reaffirm our negative core beliefs about ourselves and that reflects those things back at us. So if you have a core belief that you are unworthy of being in a healthy relationship, there is every chance that you are going to subconsciously seek out partners who reinforce that belief and who leave you feeling like you are not worthy of a good relationship, that you have to prove yourself, that you have to earn love, that you are going to be rejected or abandoned or whatever in favor of someone else who is better than you.
[00:04:32]:
All of these things follow us. Those are unresolved things that really need our attention, and and we keep turning our back on these parts of us rather than doing the really scary but courageous work of actually facing it and opening the can of worms and going, okay, how did I get here? What is it within me? What happened in my past? What shaped me in this way so that I developed with these beliefs that have gotten me to this circumstance again and again and again. Now, it's not comfortable work, and that's why it's so easy to avoid, maybe to blame others or just to keep changing those external circumstances and running away from the problem, but when the problem is within us, there is no running away, there is no outrunning of you. So the first lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is wherever you go, there you are. Your patterns are coming with you unless and until you do the work to resolve them and to really learn a new way of being. Okay. The second one that I want to share with you is by not changing, by not making changes that you know you need to make, you are choosing more of the same. So what do I mean by this? I think that when we are not taking action towards a big life change, or maybe a little life change, right, it could be just habit change, and this isn't just about relationships, this could be something like having healthier habits around, like, diet and exercise.
[00:06:00]:
It could be anything. But I think we tell ourselves that by not making the changes that we know we need to make, we're doing nothing. We're staying still. We're staying stuck. But really, we're always in forward motion. Okay? So you're either in forward motion down the path that is leading you to more of what you want, being the kind of life you want, the kind of feelings you want to have about yourself, about others, about the world, fulfillment, joy, peace, self respect, all of those things, you're either walking down that path or you are walking down the path that is leading you to more of what you do not want. So that might be more of the same. But know that in not making the changes and not taking action towards those changes, you are choosing more of the same.
[00:06:48]:
So just reframing it from a passive to an active thing, I think, really wakes us up a bit to the self responsibility involved in that of, oh, okay. I'm not just staying still. It's not that I'm stagnant and passively existing in my life. Every day that I wake up and I just go through the motions of reenacting all of my habituated patterns, all of my conditioned ways of being, I make the choices that I know are not in service of how I want to live my life and the kind of life that I want. In doing those things, I am actively choosing more of the more of what is keeping me feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, anxious, stressed, burnt out, whatever it might be. You're choosing that by not making the changes that you know you need to make. So that is something that I absolutely wish I had learned sooner because I think that that would have jolted me a little into a bit more self responsibility, a bit more agency, having a bit of a wake up call of, like, this is on you. You can keep, like, living your life in this autopilot mode and making all of those changes, like, a down the track thing, you know, oh, I'll do that, like, next year or later when I have more time, when I can be bothered, or when things get really bad, whatever it might be.
[00:08:02]:
That's not just, like, saving it for later. That's choosing more of the same. It is walking further and further down the path that you don't want to be walking down. So be aware of that. Really audit. Where am I choosing a life that I don't want? And am I contributing every day through my actions, through my tendencies, through my habits, to the formation of a life that is not fulfilling to me? And what do I need to change today in order to change direction towards something that actually sounds good to me and sounds appealing to me in terms of the life that I want to be living. Okay. The third lesson that I wish I had learned earlier is that self respect is something that you have to earn.
[00:08:46]:
Now, I've spoken before on the podcast about self respect. I think that self respect is so, so important. I am far more interested in cultivating self respect than self love, not because I think there's anything wrong with self love, but I just think self respect is much more powerful in a really strong, authentic relationship with self. And for me, self respect is all about value alignment. So, am I showing up in a way that reflects my values? Do I know who I am? Am I comfortable with who I am? And do I act from that place? Or is there this big incongruence, this big gap between the kind of person I say I want to be and the way that I'm showing up? And I think it's a really good telltale sign that there is that gap if you often feel like shame, discomfort, embarrassment, humiliation about the way that you've acted after the fact. So if you've done something that feels really icky and out of alignment and you don't feel good about it, that's a good sign of, like, what is that telling me? Where have I not met my own standards for the kind of person that I want to be? And It's not about perfectionism, it's not about holding ourselves to an impossibly high standard of never making a mistake, but I think we all know when we're out of integrity, and self respect is just such an important thing to earn, and the good news is that you can earn it through the choices that you make and the actions that you take. You might notice that in each of these lessons that I'm sharing with you, there's a strong focus on actions and agency and self responsibility because I think that those things are really what is within our control. And so much of personal development advice is a bit abstract and really suffers from that.
[00:10:27]:
I think it's like, you know, stop comparing yourself to other people, and be kind to yourself, and be loving, and whatever. Those things can just feel so out of reach if all of that stuff is muscle memory, second nature, that's just so deep in your programming that you don't really know where to start. The actions that you take on a day to day basis are much more concrete, and they're kind of easier to shine a light on and easier to see where the choice is. So we can go, oh, there's actually capacity for me to start building out a new branch from the tree here. There's actually capacity for me to choose a new way with this action, and then the action after that, and then the action after that, and really just start that process of compounding that allows us to build out a new relationship with ourselves and a new way of being. So self respect is not something that is just going to magically appear in your life. It's not something that you can think into being. You really do have to earn it, and I think that that is a good thing.
[00:11:24]:
This is not like saying you need to earn someone else's love or earn someone's approval, which I think generally carries a negative connotation. When I say self respect needs to be earned, I think that is really calling you forth into a level of self responsibility and accountability in your relationship with yourself. And to the extent that you feel you're lacking self respect, there might be a reason for it. Okay? And that's kind of a hard truth that a lot of us maybe shy away from, but I think it's an important one. And certainly for me, And I've shared this before at the times in my life when I really lacked self respect. When I look back on it now, I think that that was exactly as it should have been because I wasn't behaving in a way that garnered self respect. I really wasn't, and I think that the discomfort that I felt with that, the lack of integrity, was a really important alarm bell that was pointing me towards where my work was. And I am so fortunate, and I'm so relationship with myself, because I can really comfortably say now that I do have that internal relationship of self respect, and that's so freeing.
[00:12:35]:
It contributes so much to a really embodied sense of self esteem. It's really being able to hand on heart say I'm comfortable with who I am, so that's been a huge one for me, and it's why I'm so bullish on self respect relative to other things like self love. So those were 3 life lessons that I wish I'd learned sooner. Just to recap quickly, it's wherever you go, there you are. You cannot outrun your patterns. They're coming with you until you, turn around and face them and do that courageous work of really tending to the parts of you that need your attention. The second one was by not making the changes that you know you need to make, you are actively choosing more of the same. So it's not just do nothing or make a change, it's continue walking down the path that I don't want to be walking down or walk down a different path.
[00:13:24]:
Okay? So really shifting into more of an active role there in the constant creation of whatever your life is. And the third one is that self respect is earned. So you need to actively do the work through your day to day actions of bringing your values and your choices, your behaviors into alignment so that you have that real sense of integrity. I really hope that that's been helpful. If you enjoyed today's episode, I really do encourage you to sign up to the Secure Self Challenge. This is very much in keeping with what we talk about there and the lessons that we're putting into practice over the 28 days of the challenge. So I would absolutely love to see you there if this is up your alley, as it is mine. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:14]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self worth, self respect, self responsibility, attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, life lessons, self awareness, inner conflict, core beliefs, personal growth, environmental changes, self growth, unresolved issues, subconscious patterns, negative core beliefs, relationship advice, self esteem, value alignment, integrity, self respect vs self love, self respect actions, self respect behaviors, self responsibility in relationships, changing habits, choosing life paths, improving self respect, self respect development
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
In today's episode, we're tackling the pervasive issue of resentment in relationships. We explore why resentment occurs, its impact on relationships, and how to address and resolve these feelings.
We cover:
What resentment signals to us about ourselves
Why certain people are more prone to resentment
The link between resentment and poor boundaries, suppression of needs and avoiding conflict
How we can shift out of victimhood and take responsibility for our part in a dynamic
How Resentment Impacts Our Relationships
Resentment is a common yet often misunderstood emotion that can significantly impact our relationships. While fleeting moments of resentment can be part of any relationship dynamic, chronic resentment can signal deeper issues that need addressing. Understanding the roots and implications of resentment can be a crucial step toward fostering healthier connections and personal well-being.
The Nature of Resentment
Resentment is characterised by a sense of internal frustration, victimhood, and powerlessness. It often arises when we perceive that someone is doing something to us, or failing to do something, that leads to a buildup of anger and bitterness. Unlike anger, which is usually expressed outwardly, resentment tends to fester internally, creating a toxic undercurrent in relationships.
People who struggle with articulating their needs, setting boundaries, or are conflict-averse are often more susceptible to resentment. Rather than openly addressing issues, they might keep their grievances to themselves, leading to an internalised sense of injustice and powerlessness. This internal harbouring of resentment can make it challenging to move forward and resolve conflicts constructively.
Resentment Beyond Romantic Relationships
It's important to note that resentment isn't confined to romantic relationships. It can manifest in various relational contexts — be it with a coworker, a boss, or even within family dynamics. Regardless of the context, the underlying feelings and their ramifications can be quite similar.
When resentment becomes a recurring theme, it demands introspection and a willingness to dissect what is truly happening beneath the surface. This involves examining not only the immediate triggers but also our habitual responses to those triggers.
The Impact on Relationships
Resentment acts like a dirty pane of glass between partners, obscuring clear communication and connection. When resentment is left unchecked, it can create a murky atmosphere where misunderstandings and emotional distance become the norm. This metaphor highlights the importance of keeping our relational "glass" as clean as possible to maintain healthy and open lines of communication.
One of the most insidious aspects of resentment is the sense of powerlessness that often accompanies it. This feeling can reinforce a victim mindset, making it difficult to see the situation from a more empowered perspective. It's easy to focus on what others are doing wrong or failing to do, which places our happiness and well-being outside of our control. This externalisation can lead to a cycle of frustration and dissatisfaction.
Taking Ownership
A critical step in addressing resentment is shifting from a victim mindset to one of personal responsibility and empowerment. This doesn't mean excusing someone else's poor behaviour but rather examining our own role in the dynamic. Reflecting on questions like, "Where have I not respected myself?" or "What have I not communicated?" can provide insight into how we've contributed to the situation.
Often, resentment is a signal that something important has been left unsaid or unaddressed. This might be a difficult conversation, an unexpressed need, or a boundary that hasn't been enforced. Acknowledging and confronting these areas can often be the first step toward resolving underlying tensions.
Moreover, it's essential to explore whether our expectations of others are realistic and communicated effectively. Sometimes, we may harbour unspoken rules or expectations that, when unmet, lead to feelings of resentment. By clearly expressing our needs and setting realistic expectations, we can mitigate the buildup of these negative feelings.
Practical Steps to Combat Resentment
Overcoming resentment involves both internal and external work. Internally, it's about shifting our mindset from one of disempowerment to taking active steps toward our own well-being. This might include:
Self-Reflection: Regularly checking in with ourselves to understand what we're truly feeling and why.
Boundary Setting: Clearly defining and communicating our boundaries to others.
Self-Care: Prioritising our well-being and not relying solely on others for our happiness.
Externally, it involves open communication and assertiveness:
Honest Conversations: Addressing issues directly with the people involved, rather than letting them fester.
Feedback and Requests: Clearly articulating what we need from others, rather than assuming they should know.
Conflict Resolution Skills: Developing the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner.
Embracing Empowerment
Shifting from resentment to empowerment is a journey that requires patience and practice. It's about reclaiming our agency and recognising that we have more control over our situations than we might initially believe. By prioritising our own well-being and taking active steps to address underlying issues, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Resentment need not be a permanent fixture in our relational landscape. By engaging in intentional self-reflection, open communication, and proactive boundary setting, we can clear the emotional debris that clouds our connections and move towards a more empowered and fulfilling way of relating to others.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you frequently find yourself feeling resentful in your relationships? Where do you think this feeling stems from, and how does it affect your interactions with others?
Can you recall a situation where you felt particularly resentful towards someone? Reflect on how you managed that feeling and what, if anything, you did to address it.
In what ways do you struggle with articulating your needs or boundaries in your relationships? How might this contribute to feelings of resentment?
Do you recognise any patterns of conflict avoidance or peacekeeping in your behaviour? How does this impact your sense of empowerment and communication in relationships?
Think of a time when unspoken expectations led to feelings of resentment. How could clearer communication have altered the outcome of that situation?
Reflect on the concept of "internal empowerment" discussed in the episode. How do you currently take ownership of your well-being, and where could you improve?
When faced with a problematic behaviour in others, do you find yourself falling into a victim mindset? How can you shift towards taking constructive action for your own peace?
Consider a scenario where you successfully set a boundary or had a difficult conversation. What did you learn from this experience, and how can it be applied to other areas of your life?
How do you perceive the balance between setting realistic expectations of others and advocating for your needs? What strategies can help you maintain this balance?
Imagine letting go of a "cloak of resentment" as described in the episode. What actions or mindset shifts are necessary for you to feel more empowered and less resentful in your relationships?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about resentment and what to do if you're feeling resentful in your relationship. So I think that resentment is unfortunately extremely common in relationships. And while it doesn't always, you know, mean that there's something wrong, like, we might experience moments of resentment in an otherwise healthy and secure relationship. If resentment is a really common occurrence for you, it's something that you feel a lot of the time and maybe you felt it in every relationship you've ever had or it's a big part of your life to feel resentful, then it is definitely something that we wanna get a bit curious about and understand a little more because as we'll talk about today, there's a lot to be learned about the situation and about your response to a situation by interrogating, in a gentle way, what's going on for us when we're harboring a lot of resentment towards a partner. And, you know, I should say, even as I'm saying this, it's not only something that we can experience in a romantic relationship. So, if you're feeling resentful in a coworker, a boss, there is much to be gained from understanding what is really going on for you there and what you might be able to do about it.
[00:01:46]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a reminder that my Secure Self Challenge is kicking off in less than 2 weeks. We've already got over 50 people signed up and would absolutely love for you to join us if you are someone who's interested in learning more about building the pillars of security within yourself, self worth. It's a 28 day challenge, and each week is themed around one of those pillars. So we go self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's very much a welcoming space for all, and there's a strong community focus. So last time, there was a very vibrant, online community, and, you know, people really connected with one another and were hugely supportive of each other's shares and insights.
[00:02:35]:
And it was really such a beautiful thing for me to witness everyone really thriving and and growing in community together. And so if you're interested in joining, early bird pricing is available for the next 48 hours. Definitely encourage you to check it out. Would love to see you there. It's one of my most affordable offers, and, yeah, I would love to see you there. So definitely go check it out if you're interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around resentment.
[00:02:57]:
As I said in the introduction, I think that there's a lot to be learned when we experience resentment in a relationship. I think there's a very specific kind of feeling tone to resentment, and it's this sense of, you know, internal frustration and kind of victimhood, powerlessness, this sense that someone is doing something or not doing something to us, and we have this anger and frustration towards them, but there's this really internal experience to resentment. I think that those of us who struggle with directly articulating needs or boundaries or requests, giving feedback, maybe those of us who are conflict diverse, who tend towards keeping the peace rather than, you know, getting everything out in the open, advocating for ourselves. I think if you fall into that bucket, that type of person, then you're probably more susceptible to struggling with resentment than is someone who is very direct, and as soon as they're bothered by something, they raise it. There is this internal harboring of her stories and, as I said, like victimhood and this sense of being aggrieved by someone, but that there's nothing that you can do about it, and so you just sort of stew on it internally. Now as I'm saying that, I'm sure the the vast majority of people will have had some experience of resentment, and so you can probably recall that feeling and, you know, how icky it is in your body, how toxic it is in a relational context, and to have all of that kind of bubbling under the surface. I really like the analogy, not just the context of resentment, but more broadly in relationships of a pane of glass. If there was a pane of glass between us, how clean or grubby is that pane of glass? With the metaphor kind of meaning that if the glass is really clean, then everything's good.
[00:04:49]:
The channels of communication are open, you're feeling really connected. But if the glass is really dirty, grubby, there's there's marks all over it, you can't really see each other, then that's maybe pointing to there being things that need addressing in the relationship. And I think resentment is something that makes the glass pretty murky, pretty grubby. And so I think that we do need to really reflect on, you know, what resentment does to a relationship. And I think one of the tricky things about it is when we're in this mindset of feeling really resentful towards someone, it typically goes hand in hand with feeling powerless. And I think that's one of the key things that we can take away from a feeling of resentment, that we can really learn from it, is that we've given away our power or we've placed that outside of ourselves, and we're really focusing on the things that other people are doing, whether that's to us or that they're not doing that we think they should be doing and we're feeling judgmental of them about it. But we've generally placed our happiness, our well-being, our sense of empowerment outside of ourselves. And then we're feeling really sorry for ourselves and kind of salty about the fact that someone's not playing by the rules that we've created.
[00:06:02]:
And as I alluded to, oftentimes these are unspoken rules, just expectations that we have of how things should be, how people should act, and then we stew on that when it doesn't all go to plan. So I should pause there and say, this is not about, you know, giving other people a free pass. It's not about saying that someone's behavior, if it is, you know, not okay and that will look different in all different circumstances, so I'm not gonna fill in the blanks for you on what, you know, good and bad behavior is. Because, you know, outside of very clear bright lines, we all have different tolerances for different behaviors, and that's okay. It's about figuring out what works for you and what doesn't work for you. So it's not about or if you're feeling resentful of someone's behavior, me saying to you that that's a really good sign that there's work for you to do there is not to say their behavior is actually fine and they can carry on doing whatever they want because it's your problem, not theirs. I think that when we flip flop between that very, like, binary dualistic thinking of, well, who's at fault here? That's really missing the point. And and what we wanna be doing is stepping outside of that framework altogether where we're trying to find the bad guy and actually just going, okay, what's within my control? What is my part in this? What can I take responsibility for? What can I take ownership over? And I think generally in shifting into that frame of mind, we realize we have a lot more choice than we otherwise did.
[00:07:29]:
When we're in that victim mode, when we're in a lot of fear, we typically feel like we have no choice and no options. And that only exacerbates our sense of powerlessness and fear and anger and resentment because we think that someone else has trapped us in an unfulfilling situation, life, relationship, whatever it might be. So it's not about excusing their behavior. It's not about saying, like, actually, you have no reason to feel resentful or pissed off because it's all on your shoulders. But it is about going, okay, where have I maybe not respected myself here? Where have I not advocated for myself? Where have I not set a boundary? Where have I not said the thing that needs to be said? Where have I not stated a need? What have I done to contribute to the status quo here which is leaving me feeling resentful? The the biggest situation or dynamic because it is very, very rare. I would say almost never happens that one person has no role whatsoever and is just totally So recognizing So recognizing that oftentimes when we're struggling with feelings of resentment, it is because we have not said something. And it comes back, as I said, to that thing of we're keeping it all inside and then feeling really angry and bitter about it. So, if you're feeling resentful, there's often something that has been neglected that is being unsaid, that is being swept under the rug that maybe you are avoiding.
[00:09:04]:
And, you know, there can be really understandable reasons for avoiding difficult conversations, difficult topics for confronting someone, asking them for an honest response to a question that you're scared to ask. All of these things can be daunting, and I really do understand and have sympathy for that. But at the same time, your peace does not come from collapsing into resentment and powerlessness and victimhood. I really promise you that. So if you are feeling resentful about something, really reflect on, how have I contributed to this? What am I not saying? What am I not doing for myself? Because maybe you have said something. I know a lot of people might be thinking, I did tell them what I needed or I did set the boundary and they're still doing this or they're still not doing that. And so now I just feel so exasperated and fed up and overwhelmed and at my wits end because I feel like I've done my part and they're not playing along. So what am I meant to do now? Again, it's that feeling of, like, having exhausted all of your options and then blaming them for the fact that you're feeling powerless.
[00:10:11]:
Again, I really understand this. I relate to it. But there's still a lot of story in that, and there's still, you know, a lot of blame and projection in that. And that's actually good news because it means that there's more choice and there's more agency in the situation than you realize. So shifting out of that mindset and just putting it to one side for a second and going, Okay. Is that really true that I don't have any other options? That it's all on them and my happiness resides in their behavior, whether they choose to do something or not. How they show up, how they behave towards me gets to determine whether or not I'm happy and at peace in my life. That's a really skewed way of being.
[00:10:59]:
And for a lot of us, that's all we've ever known. So it might be a bit like, what what else am I meant to do? Right? That's that's just reality for me is that my sense of well-being, my sense of happiness is determined by what my partner does or what the people that are close to me, how they behave. And recognizing the kind of codependent patterns that can exist in that, this sense of I have to control your behavior or influence your behavior in order for me to feel okay because those things are so inextricably linked in my in my mind, in my body. So reflecting on that. Reflecting on what is my role here, what can I give to myself, how can I kind of take the situation back into my own hands, how can I create a sense of empowerment, How can I prioritize my own well-being here rather than outsourcing that to someone else and then resenting them for not doing what I want them to do, and really shifting back into that kind of internal leadership role where you are in the driver's seat of your own experience, rather than being in the passenger seat of someone else's and blaming them for going in the wrong direction? So I hope that that's given you something to think about. I know that that might feel easier said than done, and it certainly is. All of this stuff is easier said than done. But it's such an important thing to reflect on when we have these patterns of, you know, feeling really at the mercy of someone else in our relationships.
[00:12:32]:
As I said, for a lot of us, that's just so normal that we don't know any other way, but it's actually not healthy to feel that way. And so starting to shift out of that, and it's not about becoming indifferent to someone else. It's not, as I said, saying that, like, they can just do whatever and I'm going to be unaffected by it, but it's recognizing that you can take really good care of yourself, and that'll mean a lot of different things. So it's deciding how near or far you want to be to someone else's behaviour if that behaviour is causing you hurt and pain. But just allowing yourself to stay stuck and then being resentful that nothing's changing or that someone's continuing to do something or hasn't started doing the thing that they said they were going to do. It's not a nice place to be. It's not good for your health, your well-being, your sanity. Again, speaking from experience, I know what that feels like.
[00:13:24]:
So my invitation to you is really to almost imagine you're taking off a really heavy cloak and go, oh, I'm gonna take off that cloak of resentment and just see what else might exist here, what other possibilities exist here, whether it's a conversation that needs to be had, whether it's some steps you need to take for yourself, some space and time away, or just a shift in focus and mindset. Just see what becomes possible when you consciously decide to shift gears away from that mode of of resentment, of stuckness, of disempowerment. Because I promise you there's a lot more to be gained on the other side of that than there is by swirling around in that pool of resentment. Okay. I hope that that has given you something to think about. I hope it's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and ratings. I do read every single one of them and they always bring a smile to my face.
[00:14:18]:
Always so touched by all of the people that tune in and finding some solace in the podcast. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
resentment, relationship resentment, overcoming resentment, attachment styles, romantic relationships, coworker resentment, boss resentment, secure self challenge, self worth, self compassion, self care, self respect, self trust, setting boundaries, articulating needs, conflict avoidance, internal frustration, powerlessness, victimhood, harbouring resentment, communication in relationships, addressing resentment, relational context, reflecting on resentment, empowerment in relationships, codependency, controlling behaviour, mental well-being, emotional health, relationship dynamics.
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
In today's episode, we're unpacking five traits that everybody should be looking for in a prospective partner. It's so easy when dating to become swept up in a connection and inadvertently overlook some of the fundamental attributes we should all be seeking in a relationship.
The five traits we discuss in this episode are:
Emotional self-awareness
Integrity and trustworthiness
Consistency, reliability and dependability
Humour and playfulness
Kindness
5 Traits To Look For in a Partner for a Thriving Relationship
Finding a life partner is one of the most significant decisions we make. The foundation of a healthy and long-lasting relationship often rests on the qualities we choose to prioritise in our partner. Here are five essential traits to look for in a prospective partner to ensure a secure, joyful, and meaningful connection.
1. Emotional Self-Awareness and Maturity
Emotional self-awareness is a cornerstone of any strong relationship. A partner with this trait understands their feelings and reactions, and recognises how past experiences shape their current behaviours. They can reflect on why they feel triggered by certain things and are willing to take responsibility for their emotions. Emotional maturity is not about being completely "healed" but rather about being on a continuous journey of self-discovery.
This trait is critical because it ensures that both partners can communicate effectively, apologise when necessary, and navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life together. Without emotional self-awareness, misunderstandings can escalate, leading to unresolved conflicts and hurt feelings.
2. Integrity
Integrity might sound like a given, but it's often overlooked in the context of relationships. True integrity is about alignment between one's words and actions, trustworthiness, and a clear sense of who they are. It's about internal consistency – knowing and living by one's values.
A partner with integrity creates a foundation of trust and safety. You can rely on them to be honest and to follow through on their commitments. This reliability alleviates anxiety and fosters a sense of security, allowing both partners to flourish individually and together. When integrity is present, it feels like a breath of fresh air, providing a safe landing where both partners can authentically be themselves.
3. Consistency and Reliability
Consistency and reliability are indispensable in any relationship. The chaos of unpredictability can create an atmosphere of anxiety and insecurity. A dependable partner, on the other hand, offers stability. Their actions are predictable, and you can trust that they will be there for you when needed.
This trait is especially crucial for individuals with anxious attachment styles, who may be particularly sensitive to inconsistency. However, everyone benefits from a stable and predictable environment, as it minimises stress and allows for deeper emotional bonds to form. Inconsistencies can make anyone feel unsettled, so finding a partner who embodies these traits is essential for long-term happiness.
4. Humour and Playfulness
While emotional depth and seriousness have their place, a healthy relationship thrives on moments of lightheartedness and fun. Shared laughter can be incredibly bonding, providing a break from the daily grind and revealing the joy of simply being together.
A partner with a good sense of humour brings warmth and playfulness into the relationship, helping to diffuse tension and build a sense of camaraderie. It's not always about having deep conversations; sometimes, the most profound connections are built through shared jokes and playful banter. Humour acts as a counterbalance to the challenges that life inevitably throws our way, making the journey together much more enjoyable.
5. Kindness and Warmth
Kindness is a trait that cannot be overstated. In the hustle and bustle of life, simple acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can often fall by the wayside. Yet, feeling cared for and valued by your partner is fundamental to a healthy relationship.
A kind partner speaks lovingly, goes out of their way to help when needed, and treats you with genuine respect. This trait nurtures emotional safety, fostering an environment where both partners feel secure and cherished. Especially in long-term relationships, maintaining kindness can be challenging but is crucial for enduring love and connection.
Cultivating These Traits in Yourself
While it's essential to seek these traits in a partner, it's equally important to cultivate them within oneself. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are qualities that anyone can develop with intention and practice. When both partners strive to embody these traits, it creates a reciprocal dynamic that strengthens the relationship.
Building a Strong Foundation Together
Ultimately, the goal is to build a relationship where both partners feel secure, valued, and understood. By prioritising these traits, individuals can create a sturdy foundation that supports mutual growth and happiness. Emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humour, and kindness are the building blocks of any thriving relationship, setting the stage for a loving and lasting partnership.
Remember, no one is perfect, and relationships are a continuous work in progress. However, by focusing on these crucial traits, you can align yourself with a partner who complements your journey, encouraging a connection that is both deep and enduring.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you define emotional self-awareness and maturity in your own words? Do you believe you embody these traits in your relationships? Reflect on examples where you have showcased these qualities and moments where you might have fallen short.
Think about the value you place on integrity in a relationship. Can you recall instances when you felt a strong sense of alignment and honesty with a partner? Conversely, have you experienced relationships where a lack of integrity led to distrust or conflict?
Reflect on the role consistency and reliability play in your relationships. Do you find yourself more anxious in relationships where these qualities are lacking? How has this impacted your sense of security?
Consider how humor and playfulness contribute to the dynamics of your relationship. Do you prioritise moments of fun and laughter? How do you think humor can alleviate tension and strengthen your bond with a partner?
Kindness seems simple but crucial. How do you practice kindness in your relationship? After listening to the episode, do you feel your relationship has enough of this foundational trait? Think about ways you can incorporate more acts of kindness daily.
Recall a time when your partner’s emotional availability made a significant difference in your relationship. How did it affect your connection and communication?
Reflect on the importance of follow-through and living by your values. Do you and your partner consistently align your actions with your words? How can you improve integrity within your relationship?
How comfortable are you with being vulnerable and addressing past wounds that may surface in your relationship? Do you feel your partner supports you in this process of self-discovery and healing?
Sometimes long-term relationships can lose the element of fun. What steps can you take to reintroduce playfulness and joy into your relationship? Reflect on activities you both enjoy that foster a sense of connection and relaxation.
Finally, evaluate your current or past relationships against the five traits discussed: emotional self-awareness, integrity, consistency, humor, and kindness. Which areas are strong, and which need more work? How can you actively cultivate these traits to enhance your relationship?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Sign up for the 28-day Secure Self Challenge! Kicking off 29 July 2024.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 traits to be looking for in a prospective partner or to be prioritizing when looking for a partner. So this is an episode that I've wanted to do for a while, but I put the call out on Instagram earlier this week and asked people what traits they found most attractive in a partner. And I was pleased to see that most of the responses that I got aligned with the list that I had going. And so I'm gonna be talking through some of those today, but, you know, if you were someone who responded to my Instagram call out earlier in the week, then thank you for your contribution. It's played a part in putting this episode together. So gonna be talking about this.
[00:01:12]:
And, of course, if you're already in a relationship, I suppose today's episode is, in part, 5 things that are really valuable traits in a partner that you can seek to embody and also that you can prioritize fostering in your own relationship if you're already in 1. Now before I dive into today's episode, you might have seen me mention if you do follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list, that my secure self challenge, which I launched for the first time at the start of this year, I am opening that up again at the end of the month. The first round that we ran back in February was so great. I was really, really pleasantly surprised by how much everyone got into it. It was a really vibrant community. So for anyone who doesn't know, it's a 28 day challenge. Unlike my courses, which are a bit more, I suppose, educational in focus, the challenge is shorter audio only lessons with a theme each week around the umbrella topic of building self worth, and we break that down into self compassion, self care, self respect, and self trust over the 4 weeks. And it's really giving you something to think about on each of those topics and then some homework for you to go off and really reflect on those things, put it into action, and then a really vibrant community space for you to connect with everyone else.
[00:02:27]:
So if you're at all interested in that, we kick off at the end of the month. We've already got about 35 people signed up in the past couple of days, which is great, and I would love for you to be there. It's not specific to any attachment style. It's really just around this theme of building a really strong sense of self, which is work that we should all, I think, be doing, and it can be a huge benefit to you no matter where you sit. So if you're interested in signing up to that, the link's in the show notes, or you can go straight to my website. That should all be relatively easy to find. The early bird pricing is available for the next 5 days or so. Okay.
[00:02:59]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around 5 traits that you should be looking for in a prospective partner. Now the first 1 was, you know, self awareness, emotional maturity, emotional availability, that kind of thing. So I think this is really important because, you know, if you are someone who is doing the work to understand yourself better, and you are someone who is really interested in personal development and growth and all of those things. While I've said many times before, your partner doesn't have to be on that path in the exact same way that you are, they don't have to listen to relationship podcasts in order to be a good person, It does really help if someone has the capacity and willingness to reflect on how their past has influenced their present, the things that are wounds within them or their sensitivities, why does something trigger them, Why are their conditioned patterns the way they are? And having some degree of self responsibility and accountability around those things, the ability to reflect on that and communicate about it, I think is hugely important to creating a safe, secure relationship because those things will come up. And so if you're in a relationship with someone who, you know, is getting triggered by things, as we all do, to be clear, it's not about finding someone who is quote unquote healed. I don't think that person exists. And I should say, I did receive a few responses from people on Instagram saying, I'm looking for someone who's healed all of their wounds, basically, who's completely healed their childhood stuff.
[00:04:34]:
And I just don't know that that's a fair standard to set. I think that's an incredibly high bar, and I think we're all a work in progress. But I suppose how we might reframe that is wanting to find someone who is in progress in the sense that they are aware of themselves. They are aware of how those things have influenced them. Because I think without that, you're gonna really struggle to work through the ways that you might rub against each other the wrong way, the ways that your respective wounds interact, and they will because that's what romantic relationships do. Right? They really bring us into contact with these most vulnerable, tender parts of us. If someone's in total denial and avoidance about that, they don't wanna talk about it, they don't wanna look at it, they're very insistent that there's nothing to see there. While we can have some sympathy for that and understand that that in and of itself is, an adaptation, there's protective benefit to denial.
[00:05:33]:
It can be really hard to be in relationship with, particularly if you are someone who, wants to go into those things, who wants to understand more of that within yourself, and to be in relationship with someone who has that degree of self awareness. So prioritizing someone who has a degree of emotional literacy, emotional self awareness, who's willing to reflect and take accountability for their own sensitivities, I think is a really attractive trait and something to look for in a partner. Okay. The next 1 is integrity. So integrity for me would be near top of the list, and I think that this is 1 that, you know, some people might not think of or they might not really understand what that means in the context of a relationship. I think, as a side note, integrity is hugely important as a trait to cultivate within yourself, and I think when we lack integrity, we typically lack a sense of self respect and a clear sense of who we are, authenticity. So, for me, and this is not the singular definition of integrity, but for me integrity is a sense of alignment and wholeness, authenticity. It's actions and words line up.
[00:06:43]:
It's follow through. It's honesty, trustworthiness. All of this to me comes under the banner of integrity. Can I feel who you really are in your presence? Is there this sense of safety within you? Do you know who you are? Do you know what your values are, and do you live by them? So I think, again, it's not about holding people to an impossible standard of perfection. People slip up. People are not always totally honest and transparent. People make mistakes and do things they're not proud of, and that's okay. But I suppose part of integrity is taking ownership and righting your wrong, so to speak, And integrity is a quality that I think fosters so much safety.
[00:07:25]:
So if you're with someone and you can feel their sense of integrity, your whole system is gonna relax. Whereas if you are feeling hypervigilant and unsure and all of those things, it might be because this person lacks really clear integrity and, you know, a really clear sense of internal alignment and presence and self respect and honesty and all of those things, trustworthiness, that sometimes you can't necessarily place your finger on it. But I think integrity, when it's there and you can feel it, it is such a soothing quality, and it's really something to prioritize in a partner because it just creates so much safety. It's like a breath of fresh air. It's a a safe landing for you that if you've never experienced that, and a lot of people won't have if you've typically dated people who are flaky and inconsistent and unreliable, You may not know what integrity feels like, but I think that there is, yeah, a a great degree of safety that comes from being in relationship with someone whose sense of integrity you can really feel. So look for someone with integrity. And if that feels abstract, we're looking for things like honesty, like alignment between words and actions, like a clear sense that this person knows who they are, what they value, what they care about, and they live by those things. So those are the ones to look out for when we're looking for someone who embodies a sense of integrity.
[00:08:48]:
Okay. Next, consistency, reliability, dependability. These came up a lot as well, and I think they're hugely important for obvious reasons. I've talked at length so many times about what inconsistency does to us, and inconsistency creates anxiety. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, you are going to be particularly sensitive to any perceived inconsistency in someone's behavior. But even if you aren't anxiously attached, like, inconsistency makes us crazy. An unpredictable environment creates hyper vigilance, and that's a very natural, and I would say adaptive response to to an unpredictable environment or an unpredictable relationship. If I don't know what's coming next, then I have to be really on high alert for any possible eventuality because there isn't that sense of stability and predictability.
[00:09:33]:
So being with someone who is consistent, who, you know, is available, it might not be as exciting as the roller coaster ride of someone who's really hot and cold. And most people would say, consciously, they don't want that, and yet we so often tolerate connections that don't possess this quality of consistency, reliability, dependability. So look for those qualities. Look for someone who is stable, who is consistently available rather than coming and going, leaving you guessing. Look for someone who doesn't leave you with a lot of unanswered questions and that sense of anxiety and doubt and worry and uncertainty about where you stand, all of those things. You know, there can be such a conditioned familiarity with those feelings that we don't even really register them as a problem because they might just be so normal to you and your relational history. And certainly, again, if you're more anxiously attached, inconsistency is a really core part of the origin story of anxious attachment, and you can go back and listen to episodes around what causes anxious attachment. I've got stuff on that.
[00:10:43]:
But, yeah, we really need to unlearn that, thinking that inconsistency and volatility and unpredictability is normal, and seek out someone who you can rely on, who's going to really be there, who doesn't leave you guessing, who doesn't leave you wondering how they're feeling or what they're thinking or whatever. Right? You know, really lean into that quality of consistency, stability, safety, predictability. It is like a soothing balm for your system. Okay. Next 1, humor. This came up a lot, and I think it is so important. Someone that you can laugh with and play with and have fun with. I think if you're accustomed to relationships that feel stressful, it's really easy to overlook the importance of lightness in a relationship, of warmth, of fun, of lightheartedness.
[00:11:34]:
But that stuff is like medicine and really is so regulating for you. So being with someone that you can have fun with, that you can joke around with, that you have a similar sense of humor with, that really creates such a sense of safety in your system without even really needing to try. It's not that kind of serious emotional safety that comes with having a deep conversation, which, you know, is important as well, but it's effortless safety that comes with humor and play and fun. And I think that that's a really important thing to prioritize in your relationship as a really key pillar of that. That sense of friendship alongside the romantic connection that allows a relationship to be really enduring and allows you to feel that sense of being able to be your authentic self and let your guard down because it doesn't have to be so serious all the time. I think humor is a really powerful antidote to some of that more serious stuff that can come with relationships, particularly if you, you know, do struggle with various insecurities or or challenges. Having a good dose of humor in there and play and fun is so, so important. So definitely look for someone who you can laugh with, who you can have fun with.
[00:12:42]:
And if you're in a relationship already and that feels a little lacking, try to really actively cultivate it. Try not to be so bogged down in the heaviness all the time. Try to counterbalance that with some fun, with some lightness. Okay, and last but certainly not least is kindness. So I think that we can really overlook this. The importance of kindness, it almost seems so simple and obvious that it maybe doesn't make the list or isn't front of mind. But kindness is so important. Feeling like someone who really cares about you, speaks fondly both to you and about you, goes out of their way, someone who is thoughtful, who's caring, feeling all of those things in relationship with the person who you love most, I think is so, so important.
[00:13:28]:
And particularly, you know, if this is in a dating context, you've got to have that at least at the start. Right? We want all these things to be enduring, but I think we do get a little sloppy in longer term relationships, and we can take our partner for granted. So absolutely all of these things, I should say, we wanna be seeing all of these and more at the start when people are on their best behavior. But as the relationship goes on, if you're in a relationship, like, kindness is just so, so important. And if your partner is not treating you kindly, or you're not treating your partner kindly, and I think it can go both ways if the relational environment altogether has become a little strained, we can forget things like kindness and warmth and care and, you know, tenderness towards each other. That can fall by the wayside because we do get, you know, wound up in all of the things that aren't working, all the things we're stressed about, or whatever. Prioritising something like kindness and really looking for a partner who is kind to you, it sounds like a no brainer, but it's really 1 to actively keep front of mind. Again, particularly if you're dating and you're not feeling that sense of, like, consistent kindness and warmth from someone, I think you have to pause and go, okay, what am I actually pursuing here and why? If I don't feel like I can check these kind of basic foundational boxes, so look for someone who's kind.
[00:14:51]:
Okay. So that was 5 traits to look for in a partner, 5 traits to cultivate in your relationship, in yourself, I suppose, if you're already in a relationship. Just to recap, that was emotional self awareness, maturity, sense of integrity, and, you know, alignment between words and actions and values. Consistency, reliability, and dependability, knowing that you can really count on someone humor and fun and play and kindness and warmth. So I hope that that has given you something to think about. Maybe that's really affirming that you're on the right track if you're already prioritising connections with people who embody these traits. Or maybe you're seeing that the scorecard is a little skewed and you've been pursuing connections with people who don't so much embody these traits, and maybe you've been feeling anxious and insecure as a result of that, and maybe that's given you a bit of an insight into why that might be. So really reorienting towards these fundamental attributes that I think make for a healthy foundation, a secure foundation for any relationship.
[00:15:53]:
So I hope that that's been helpful. As always, I'm so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and kind words. I read all of them, and I'm always so touched by the way that the podcast is helping you. And as I said, if you're interested in joining us for the Secure Self Challenge that kicks off on the 29th July, I'd love to see you there, and that is all linked in the show notes. Otherwise, thanks so much for joining me, and I'll see you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment styles, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast, traits in a partner, prospective partner, emotional maturity, self awareness, emotional availability, integrity, alignment, honesty, trustworthiness, consistency, reliability, dependability, humor, self worth, self respect, self care, self trust, secure self challenge, dating, emotional literacy, accountability, personal development, romantic relationships, anxiety in relationships, kindness, thrive in relationships
Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
Have you ever found yourself seeking out relationship advice online only to be bombarded with pages of seemingly conflicting and contradictory opinions? If so, you're not alone - and today's episode is for you. I'm going to be sharing 5 examples of contradictory relationship advice that you may have encountered and struggled to make sense of, so that you can understand the nuances and practise discernment in finding the right way forward for you.
We cover:
Going after a life you love AND learning to be content with what you have
Knowing what you want in a partner AND not being overly prescriptive
Not dating someone for their potential AND wanting someone you can grow with
Not changing yourself to earn someone's love AND wanting to be your best self to attract a healthy partner
The importance of feeling your feelings AND knowing when it's okay to distract yourself
Making Sense of Conflicting Relationship Advice
Navigating the world of relationships can be daunting, especially when bombarded with conflicting advice. With countless voices offering differing tips and strategies, it’s no wonder many feel overwhelmed. However, understanding that both sets of conflicting advice can hold truth helps one develop discernment and self-trust. This article explores several key pieces of conflicting relationship advice and sheds light on how to make sense of them.
Pursuing Happiness vs. Contentment
One common piece of advice is that you deserve to pursue a life you love and shouldn’t settle for less. This can be empowering, especially for those feeling trapped in unfulfilling situations. It encourages taking risks and striving for joy, peace, and fulfilment. However, it is equally important to appreciate what one already has.
Cultivating contentment with your current life can bring a profound sense of peace. Constantly chasing the next best thing can lead to perpetual dissatisfaction. Therefore, it’s valuable to find a balance between striving for improvement and appreciating the present. This duality entails setting goals for a better future while finding joy and serenity in the present moment.
Knowing What You Want vs. Being Flexible
In the realm of dating, knowing what you want is deemed crucial. It’s advised to have clarity on your non-negotiables, ensuring you enter relationships with a strong sense of what matters most to you. This helps in making informed choices and not settling for connections that don't align with your values.
Conversely, being overly prescriptive can hinder the dating experience. Being too rigid in your requirements might close off potentially wonderful relationships. It’s beneficial to maintain a sense of curiosity and openness, exploring connections without the pressure of adhering to a strict checklist. Balancing these two can help in finding a compatible partner while enjoying the journey of getting to know different personalities.
Potential vs. Growth
Another conflicting piece of advice is avoiding dating someone for their potential. This stems from a caution against trying to change a partner into an idealised version. Dating someone for who they might become can lead to disappointment and an imbalanced relationship dynamic.
Yet, it’s also healthy to seek someone with whom you can grow and evolve. The key distinction here is to ensure that the desire for growth is mutual. It is about being with someone who inspires personal development and shares a similar vision for the future, rather than undertaking a project to mould them into a different person. Recognising this distinction helps foster healthier and more balanced relationships.
Self-Improvement vs. Self-Acceptance
The advice to never change oneself for a relationship aligns with promoting self-worth and authenticity. It advocates for maintaining one’s true self and avoiding people-pleasing behaviours to gain love and acceptance. This is crucial, as altering oneself can lead to a loss of identity and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
At the same time, personal growth should not be overlooked. Investing in self-improvement can elevate the quality of one’s relationships. This doesn’t mean changing who you are at your core, but rather becoming the best version of yourself. As self-confidence and self-worth grow, you’ll attract healthier relationships. The key is to balance self-acceptance with a commitment to personal growth, enhancing relationships naturally rather than through forced changes.
Feeling Your Feelings vs. Healthy Distraction
When dealing with emotional challenges like a breakup, it’s often recommended to feel your feelings and allow space for grief and sadness. Suppressing emotions can result in them surfacing later in more detrimental ways. Engaging with and processing feelings is essential for emotional health.
However, distraction can also be a beneficial strategy. Sometimes, taking a break from intense emotions by engaging in activities like exercise, hobbies, or socialising can provide relief and help regain emotional strength. The important aspect here is discerning when to allow feelings to flow and when a healthy distraction is needed to regroup.
Embracing Nuance and Developing Discernment
The essence of dealing with conflicting relationship advice lies in embracing nuance. Each piece of advice can hold truth in different contexts, and it’s up to the individual to discern what resonates most for them. Developing discernment involves trusting oneself to determine the right course of action based on personal values, needs, and knowledge of the situation.
Discernment is inextricably linked to self-trust. It’s about navigating the complex nuances of relationships to make decisions that align with one’s authentic self. By balancing conflicting pieces of advice, one can foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships while maintaining a strong sense of self. In the end, the right decision is the one that feels true and right for you.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you often find yourself overwhelmed by conflicting relationship advice? How does this impact your ability to make decisions in your relationships?
What advice or messages around relationships have resonated with you the most, and why? Conversely, which pieces of advice have you chosen to leave behind, and what informed that choice?
Reflect on a time when you pursued a significant change in your life or relationship. Did this decision arise from a place of genuine desire, or was it influenced by external pressures or advice?
How do you balance the value of striving for more in your life with the practice of appreciating and finding contentment in what you already have?
In dating, what core qualities and values do you find essential in a partner? How do you navigate the line between knowing what you want and remaining open to unexpected connections?
Have you ever caught yourself being overly prescriptive or rigid in your expectations of a partner? How might this have affected your relationships?
Discuss a relationship where you might have been drawn to someone’s potential rather than who they were at the time. What was the outcome, and what did you learn from it?
How important is personal growth and evolution to you in a relationship? Can you distinguish between wanting to grow with someone versus wanting to change them?
Reflect on how self-worth and self-esteem play a role in the types of relationships you attract and maintain. In what ways has working on yourself improved your relationship experiences?
Have you experienced times when you needed to feel your feelings versus times when distraction was the best course of action? How do you determine what you need in moments of emotional intensity?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking all about how to make sense of conflicting relationship advice. So I think that in the online world in particular, but maybe even outside of that, we are pretty constantly bombarded with different opinions, you know, different ideas, different advice on how to navigate relationships. And while you could say, you know, having so much input and information can be supportive and can allow us to really learn more about ourselves and cultivate, you know, more awareness of our patterns and insights and all of those things, which we could say is a positive, I think it's undeniable that at times it could feel almost like a bombardment. And for those of us who are maybe a little lacking in self trust or maybe, you know, prone to doubting ourselves, second guessing things, having so much information and so much conflicting information, particularly when delivered maybe without nuance or context, with a lot of certainty, it can be really hard to know what's true or what's right for me. And so I'm going to go through today a few sets of conflicting advice, not with a view so much to determining for you which is true or right, but rather, I suppose, elucidating the reasons why all of it can be true. And I think so much of, you know, developing a stronger sense of self trust and discernment is being able to ascertain, well, is this right for me rather than is this objectively true? In a general sense, is this applicable to everyone? So teasing out, I suppose, when, where, why you might, you know, find certain advice resonates with you and and why you might leave other advice, as not being applicable to you or not being, you know, the thing that you need.
[00:02:28]:
So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I get into that, I just wanted to remind you, I've mentioned it a couple of times, but, if you are someone who likes watching rather than listening or maybe in addition to, be sure to check out my YouTube channel. We're uploading full form episodes of the podcast, in video form. You can also find all of that on the On Attachment website. Again, if you didn't know, On Attachment has its own website at on attachment.com, which has, you know, not only links to the videos, and, you know, you can listen on Spotify there, but also full transcripts of the episodes, even discussion questions, and written summaries of what we talk about. So if you wanna go a little deeper and dig into some of those additional resources, all of which are totally free of charge, and be sure to check out on attachment.com and or my YouTube channel. Okay. Alright.
[00:03:23]:
So let's dive into this conversation around navigating conflicting relationship advice. So the first piece of advice, or I suppose the first 2 pieces of advice that seem to conflict with each other, that you deserve to go after a life that you love, which you do. And there is huge value in learning to be content with what you have. Right? So on the face of it, we go, okay. You know, yes, I deserve more. And I think there is so much content that is, speaking to that. Right? That you deserve a life you love, and if it's not like a hell yes, it should be a hell no. And, you know, all of these things that are essentially telling you that if you have any sort of dissatisfaction, that you should, you know, totally overhaul your life and keep reaching for more and more and more until you reach some place of happiness.
[00:04:15]:
Now, I think that for certain people in certain circumstances, it is really, really important to hear that you deserve to be happy, that happiness and joy and peace and fulfillment is available to you and is something that you, you know, should really feel like you can go after and that you should feel like you're allowed to want that. And so, you know, settling, so to speak, for a life that feels draining, and, you know, hardly tolerable, let alone fulfilling, you don't have to do that. Now when we look at the other side of the coin, I think it's equally true that there is a lot of wisdom and freedom, I would say, in learning to be at peace with what's around you, and really consciously choosing the life that you have rather than always feeling like you need something more or different or that you need to optimize every little piece of your life, of your relationships, in order to, you know, be happy. I think that sometimes, you know, letting something be good enough, rather than needing everything to be perfect, there can be so much kind of spaciousness and peace to be found in that paradigm shift of, can I, you know, be happy enough here? Now, as you can see, this is a really delicate 1, and I think it very, neatly illustrates the complexity of, you know, making sense of these conflicting pieces of advice because both of them are true. And yet if you just took 1 at face value, and sort of ran with it, then you could really easily take yourself to an extreme position that might not be helpful, which is why I speak so much about the importance of discernment and being able to find your way to a middle ground that makes sense for you. So letting both of these be true. Yes. You absolutely, you know, deserve and, you know, should really seek out a life that feels meaningful and joyful, and, and fulfilling for you while also learning to appreciate, be grateful for, and find peace with that which you already have, maybe, and the things that are, you know, good in your life rather than always feeling like you need to be, shifting the goalpost or raising the bar for yourself and looking for the things that are wrong and needing improvement.
[00:06:46]:
Okay. The next, set of pieces of advice that are seemingly in conflict, but maybe both true, is that in dating, it's really important to know what you're looking for, and being overly prescriptive will generally work against you. So let's break each of these down. So it is really I have said this many times, particularly for people who struggle more with anxious attachment, whose proclivity in dating is to just latch onto anyone who shows interest in them and get really swept up in, you know, the romance of it all, the the idea of it all, maybe where the connection is kind of lacking in foundation or in, like, core compatibilities. So it's absolutely important to know, like, what am I looking for in a partner? What matters to me? How do I wanna feel in relationships? You know, what does, you know, compatibility look and feel like? What are those qualities that I'm looking for? Most people that I work with have never turned their mind to that really in a way that they have clarity on, you know, what are my nonnegotiables? What are my deal breakers? You know, where are the lines that I would draw in the sand? What qualities really matter to me and a partner? Because when you have that framework, then it's much easier to kind of sift through. When you are meeting people, it's much easier to say yes and no, or maybe saying maybe to exploring something further. But you're able to go in with that clarity because you know what you're looking for and you know what you're not looking for. And you're much less susceptible to, you know, moving those standards, to accommodate someone that you've become infatuated with.
[00:08:32]:
Now at the same time, being overly prescriptive can make it really hard. So I think we don't wanna go in there with, like, a very long list, of very specific attributes that someone needs to have in order for you to be willing to explore a connection with them, because I think, you know, in doing so, you're obviously narrowing the pool. And you if you if you become too attached to very specific criteria, then I think not only is it less likely that you're gonna find someone and maybe more likely that you're gonna pass over people who could be really great to be in a relationship with, but I think you also kind of kill off the sense of curiosity and, you know, excitement that comes with getting to know someone, without the anxiety of, like, needing them to pass a test. So balancing these 2 of, yes, it's really important to kind of know what you're looking for and know what your standards are, while not being overly rigid or prescriptive in a way that, you know, makes that process either totally unenjoyable, and or knocks too many people out of the running because you've set the bar impossibly high or, you know, you're looking for some sort of mystery perfect person who maybe doesn't exist. Okay. The next set of conflicting pieces of advice is that you don't want to date someone for their potential. You know, we've all heard this so many times, make sure you're not dating someone for their potential. And it's totally okay, and I would say healthy, to wanna be with someone who you can grow and evolve with.
[00:10:14]:
Okay? So once again, the line here can be a little murky. And if you are someone who looks to, you know, external sources to always have the answer for you, it can be really hard to know where you fall on this line, which again is why I think that discernment and self trust is such an important piece, in the journey to becoming not only more secure in an attachment sense, but, you know, having a really strong sense of self and self confidence, self esteem. So don't date someone for their potential. We know that, again, if you are more anxiously attached, and it's not exclusive to anxious attachment, but we'll often see it there is, you know, you become so enamored with the idea of someone. And, you know, you're not deterred by the idea of a project, let's put it that way. And you can really latch onto, you know, what the relationship could be, or, you know, who this person could be if only they changed these things. Or, you know, maybe you catch little glimpses of them, but then, you know, 90% of the time, they are a different version of themselves. But 10% of the time, they are this version of themselves that, you know, you wanna nurture them into being more of, and you tell yourself that if only that were the case, then everything would be perfect.
[00:11:35]:
I think in that kind of setup where you maybe take it upon yourself to be the force that transforms them from a to b that kind of fuels their metamorphosis. I think that's a really dangerous dynamic to get into, because, you know, making it your mission to change someone is really draining for you, tends to be very detrimental to your sense of self and self worth, and frankly isn't really fair on them either. It's not a nice dynamic to be on either side of, and it tends to be very skewed energetically in a relationship, when 1 person is trying to change the other. So we don't wanna get too tied up in dating someone, based on some version of themselves that they might become in the future, which, you know, isn't really who they are today. But at the same time, it's totally okay to wanna grow with someone and to wanna be with someone who wants to grow. And I think that that's really critical here, and maybe that's the distinction. Maybe that's where the line is. Does this person want to grow, or do you just want them to grow? And so if that is important to you, that sense of growth and evolution and forward motion in your relationship, in terms of, you know, personal development, then I think it does have to originate at least in part, in the other person rather than it being your agenda that you're imposing on them.
[00:13:03]:
So I think, you know, having a level of self awareness and honesty, can be really helpful there in distinguishing between those 2. Okay. The next 1 is you don't and shouldn't have to change yourself in order to deserve a healthy relationship, and at the same time, becoming the best version of yourself will almost always be reflected in an up leveling of your relationships or the types of people that you are attracted to and you are attracting in return. So let's break this down. I think for those of us who struggle with some form of unworthiness, there can be this sense of, you know, I am unworthy of the kind of relationship that I want. I don't deserve that. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.
[00:13:55]:
I'm not attractive enough. Whatever. Right? And so we can feel too small or, you know, too unworthy to think that we deserve that, that we can have that kind of relationship, that we can have a healthy relationship. And I think that when we're operating in that paradigm, it's very easy to then accept and and settle for, even though I don't really like that word, relationships that fall way short of what we truly want, because we don't believe that we can do any better than that. Right? Now, I don't think that that's healthy at all. And I think that, you know, that sense of I need to change myself in order to get someone to love me can really lead us into that shape shifting, people pleasing, bending over backwards, just trying to be likable and loved, you know, trying to be easy, low maintenance in order to, like, earn someone's approval. Obviously, those can be some pretty nasty dynamics in a relationship if that's kind of the the tone of the relationship. Now, at the same time, and again, this is, you know, why this advice can be so confusing.
[00:15:03]:
I think it's undeniably true that if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth, low self esteem, you know, a lack of self confidence, maybe you don't take great care of yourself, which I think all of those things can go hand in hand, I think it's undeniable that if you really double down on investing in your own growth as a person, and that can have a lot of pillars to it, whether that's, you know, going to therapy, sorting your shit out, whether it's getting healthy, you know, kind of up leveling your life, in terms of how you relate to yourself, how you take care of yourself, you know, your relationships. Maybe it's culling a bunch of relationships, friendships, you know, other things that you know are not in alignment or in integrity. Maybe they kind of energetically drag you down. Whatever it looks like for you, I think that it is undeniable that that process of kind of cleaning up, spring cleaning, we could call it, your life will be reflected in the relationships that you subsequently find yourself in. So it's not about, like, needing to prove your worth to someone so much as, if you are operating from a place of genuine self worth and self confidence, then that will most always be mirrored back to you in the types of people that you are attracting and are attracted to. So focusing on really becoming the best version of yourself, and maybe that's the point of distinction. It's not trying to become someone else to earn love, but becoming the very best version of yourself and trusting that from that place, you know, your life and relationships will prosper and will flourish, because you're really allowing yourself to to shine through in a really healthy, and attractive way there. Okay.
[00:16:51]:
And last but not least, it's important to feel your feelings, and sometimes the best thing to do is just distract yourself. So this might be, you know, if you have just gone through a breakup, for example, it doesn't have to be a breakup, but I think that's a nice example. If you've just gone through a breakup, I absolutely think that it is important to carve out space to really feel into the grief and the sadness and the loss and the disappointment and any other feelings that might be in there. I think if we try and bypass those feelings altogether, then they're gonna come back to bite us somehow. They tend to just get stuffed down deeper and, you know, kind of create layers within ourselves that we're going to have to tend to sooner or later. So, it is really important to connect with, to feel, to allow space for our emotions and our feelings. And at the same time, I absolutely do not think that you need to feel all of your feelings all of the time. I think that, you know, distracting yourself can be a perfectly reasonable, and indeed can be like the best thing for you at any given moment.
[00:17:59]:
And, again, this is where, like, discernment and tuning into ourselves is really important. Being self responsible, being kind of a a good caretaker of our own selves is, like, what do I need now? Do I need to, you know, have a really big cry and maybe do some journaling or talk to a friend and, and really be with the feelings that are arising within me? Or do I need to zone out? Do I need to numb out? Do I need to distract myself? And neither is, like, better or worse. It's not that, you know, distracting yourself is a cop out or is the easy way out. It might be at that point in time, at that moment, that you don't have the capacity to be with, you know, the bigness of whatever you're feeling, and that's okay. As I said, I think part of being self responsible and being really well attuned to yourself is knowing when you do have capacity, and coming back to those things when you're in a better space to be with them. So, yes, absolutely, we wanna find space for those feelings to be felt, because I think that a lot of us skip to thinking about our feelings or thinking about a situation, and we think that we've kind of ticked that box because we've spent so much mental energy on the situation. Again, the breakup's a good example here. But even just in a relationship, if you are someone who's kind of dissatisfied with your relationship and you think about it all day long and you're constantly ruminating and, you know, having practice conversations and all of those sorts of things, and you think that you've really connected with your feelings about it, I would argue that you probably haven't, that you've been using all of that kind of cognitive energy, as a way to skip past the discomfort and vulnerability and messiness of actually just feeling.
[00:19:52]:
And for a lot of us, you know, you're probably listening going, yeah, well, what does that even mean? What does it look like? I don't know how to feel the thing without going into the stories that sit on top of it and, you know, spinning around in all of that blame and accusation and and kind of victimhood or whatever else might be there. So it it can be a bit of a process learning to actually sit with the discomfort of the feeling without all of that other stuff attached to it. But, yes, as I said, at the same time, I actually think it's it's really can be very healthy to just distract yourself. It might be, you know, going for a run and and listening to music or going for a drive or watching Netflix or whatever it might be, if you don't have the capacity to be with those feelings at any given time, that can be a really valid and, you know, self caring act to distract yourself rather than going into the depths of those feelings, provided, of course, that you do carve out some time and space to to revisit them when you have more capacity. Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that today has been helpful, not only I suppose in breaking down those specific examples that I've offered, but I suppose in illustrating the point more broadly that there's always nuance, there's always, you know, shades of gray, and, you know, any advice that you encounter online or anywhere else from people in your life, you know, take it with a grain of salt. You can sort of assimilate it into the broader framework of, you know, relationship advice or or whatever, but, you know, take what works and, don't necessarily take anyone's, including mine, anyone's views as gospel or as necessarily right for you in your specific situation, because really only you can know that, and your job is to kind of figure that out for yourself.
[00:21:40]:
And as I said, kind of take what works, leave what doesn't, and figure out where that line sits for you. So I hope that you've learned something. I hope that it's given you something to think about, and as always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. I read them all, and I'm always very touched by your kind words of support. So thank you, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
conflicting relationship advice, attachment theory, relationship guidance, overcoming insecurity, healthy relationships, self trust, relationship self-awareness, relationship discernment, personal growth, dating standards, relationship compatibility, relationship dynamics, self-worth, self-esteem, dating clarity, nonnegotiables in relationships, managing breakups, feeling your feelings, emotional awareness, relationship mindfulness, relationship advice, online relationship guidance, personal development, navigating relationships, relationship contentment, life fulfilment, relationship goals, dating expectations, relationship needs, relationship improvement
3 Fights Every Anxious-Avoidant Couple Has Had
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
In today's episode, I'm unpacking three common pain points that virtually all anxious-avoidant couples will encounter at some point in their relationship. We'll talk about why these particular fights are so common, and what they're really about - so you can approach them next time with more empathy and understanding, and avoid the disconnection and hurt that comes with the typical anxious-avoidant trap.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
The Dynamics of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: Common Conflicts and How to Navigate Them
Anxious-avoidant relationships are particularly common and notoriously challenging. The attraction between someone with an anxious attachment style and another with an avoidant attachment style often results in a dynamic where each partner’s needs and fears can exacerbate the other’s insecurities.
The Conflict Over Details
One prevalent source of friction revolves around the need for details. The anxious partner typically craves information and clarity – where their partner is going, who they are spending time with, and what their plans entail. This desire for details stems from a need for assurance and a sense of control, helping mitigate anxiety about the unknown.
In contrast, the avoidant partner may find these questions intrusive and feel their privacy and autonomy are being infringed upon. They often prefer to keep certain parts of their lives separate, which can lead them to be vague or non-communicative. This behaviour is not necessarily about hiding something but rather about maintaining a sense of independence.
Navigating the Conflict: Begin by recognising and empathising with where each person is coming from. For the anxious partner, it's understanding that vagueness isn't inherently suspicious. For the avoidant partner, offering a bit more detail can quell anxiety without impinging on their independence. A balanced approach, where both parties communicate their needs and agree on what level of detail is comfortable to share, can ease this tension.
The Abrupt Exit During Conflict
Another common fight occurs when the avoidant partner exits a serious conversation or conflict. They might abruptly stop the discussion, citing work or another distraction, which leaves the anxious partner feeling dismissed and undervalued. The more the avoidant disengages, the more the anxious partner might react with heightened emotions, perpetuating a cycle of conflict.
For the avoidant partner, leaving the conversation can be a coping mechanism to avoid escalating emotions and preserve tranquility. They might genuinely need to attend to other commitments or simply feel the conversation is going around in circles without resolution.
Navigating the Conflict: The key here is mutual respect for time and space. Agreeing on a suitable time for serious discussions ensures that both partners are fully present and can engage constructively. If a conversation becomes too heated, agreeing to pause and reschedule it for a calmer time can prevent hurt feelings and further escalation. It’s crucial for each partner to express their needs calmly and assure the other that the conversation is important and will be revisited.
The Clash of Love Languages
Love languages – the myriad ways people express and receive love – often become a battleground in anxious-avoidant relationships. Anxious partners might crave words of affirmation and physical affection, feeling loved through constant verbal and tactile reassurance. Avoidant partners, however, might demonstrate love through acts of service, quality time, or even gift-giving, which can seem less direct and tangible to their anxious counterparts.
This divergence can lead to misunderstandings where the anxious partner feels neglected or unloved because the avoidant partner doesn’t frequently express love in the expected ways. The avoidant partner might feel unappreciated, believing their efforts are unnoticed or undervalued.
Navigating the Conflict: Understanding each other’s love languages is a powerful step toward reconciliation. Open conversations about what makes each partner feel loved and appreciated can reveal underlying needs and foster empathy. Encouraging both partners to occasionally step out of their comfort zones to meet each other’s needs can build a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
Building a Compassionate and Secure Connection
The essence of navigating these conflicts lies in fostering mutual understanding and empathy. Recognising that each partner’s behaviours are rooted in their attachment styles can shift the perspective from blame to understanding. Engaging in dialogues with a compassionate mindset and striving for a balance between personal needs and the relationship’s wellbeing creates a foundation where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
Creating a positive relational environment encourages vulnerability and helps each partner feel safer to express themselves. In a space devoid of constant blame and defensiveness, it becomes easier to appreciate each other’s efforts and intentions, paving the way for deeper connection and secure attachment.
By approaching each conflict with empathy and a willingness to understand, anxious-avoidant couples can transform their relationship dynamics, moving toward a healthier and more resilient bond.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise any patterns in your past or current relationships that reflect the anxious-avoidant dynamic? How have these patterns impacted your relationships?
When you’re feeling anxious in a relationship, do you often seek detailed information and reassurance from your partner? How do you think this affects your partner and your relationship?
If your partner appears avoidant and values their privacy, how do you generally react? Can you identify times when this reaction has led to conflict?
Reflect on a time when you or your partner ended a serious conversation abruptly. How did that make you feel? What steps could both of you take to navigate these situations more peacefully in the future?
How do you and your partner generally deal with arguments about spending quality time together? What love languages do you feel most connected to, and how do you express them?
Think about a recent conflict in your relationship. Was it about an underlying issue rather than the immediate problem? How can you address the root cause rather than the symptom next time?
Consider the concept of "creating a culture of appreciation" in your relationship. How often do you acknowledge your partner’s efforts to show love, even if it’s not in your preferred love language?
Do you find it challenging to understand or appreciate your partner’s need for autonomy and space? How might you work on developing more empathy and flexibility in this area?
Reflect on how you feel when asking your partner for emotional reassurance. Are there ways you can communicate your needs without making your partner feel overwhelmed or interrogated?
How do you typically balance your needs for security and certainty against your partner’s needs for space and independence? Can you identify any strategies to maintain this balance more effectively?
Feel free to reflect on these questions in your journal or discuss them with your partner to gain deeper insights into your relationship dynamics and the ways you can grow together.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we're talking about 3 fights that you've probably had if you're in an anxious, avoidant relationship. If you've been in an anxious, avoidant relationship in the past, or indeed if you embark upon a relationship in the future with an anxious, avoidant dynamic, you're likely to have some version of these conflicts. So for anyone who is new here, who's uninitiated in this language, when I say an anxious, avoidant relationship, I'm referring to a relationship between someone who leans more anxious in their attachment style and someone who leans more avoidant in their attachment style. This is a very, very common pairing. It's very common for people with these attachment styles to be drawn to each other. And yet there can be a lot of challenges in that dynamic because, you know, on the surface, at least your attachment needs and wounds tend to sit at opposite ends of the spectrum.
[00:01:22]:
And it's really easy if you're not conscious and not aware to just trigger the hell out of each other. And, you know, for each of your habitual responses to reinforce the other person's fears and insecurities and thereby really embolden them and their protective mechanisms, their protective you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so you've likely had if you're in your relationship and thinking, why does this feel so hard and why do we keep fighting about these things? I'm hoping that you'll feel very seen by today's episode, particularly by the specificity of some of the examples that I'm going to give. But also, I suppose, to peel back the layers in some of these conflicts, because the fight is never really about the thing that you're fighting about. It's almost always about something deeper, symptomatic of some unmet need or some fear or insecurity that you're being brought into contact with. And our romantic relationships have a real knack for bringing us into contact with those things. And we tend to be most sensitive in that arena to anything that feels threatening to our sense of safety, our sense of self, which we derive from our relationship, at least in part. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today, giving free examples. It's a little bit lighthearted.
[00:02:34]:
It's not intended to be a really serious conversation today. So hopefully you'll have a little chuckle and I feel not only validated and seen, but maybe take it in good humor as well. That's my hope anyway. Okay. So before I dive into that, a quick reminder, this is the last week that you can take advantage of the 50% off sale that I've been running since being on maternity leave. I'm gonna wrap that up on the 30th June. So if you are interested in saving 50% on any of my courses or masters, head to my website and you can take advantage of that with the code, hey, baby, all 1 word. And particularly in keeping with today's theme around anxious avoidant dynamics and navigating those and trying to build a more secure foundation within an anxious, avoidant relationship, which I'm a big advocate for my course Secure Together, which I recorded with my partner, Joel.
[00:03:25]:
It's a really comprehensive course that will help you and your partner if you decide to do it together and to understand each other better and ultimately to love each other better, which is what we're all trying to do here. So, if today's episode resonates with you, definitely check out Secure Together and say 50% with that discount code, hey, baby. Alright. So the first of these common arguments or pain points that you're likely to have encountered if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic is an argument about details. And in particular, an avoidant partner not giving details about where they're going, what they're doing, being sort of vague or cagey. At least that's how it's likely to appear to the anxious person about it might be where they're going. It might be who they're talking to. It might be who's going to be somewhere.
[00:04:13]:
So, you know, to paint the picture a little, your partner might be, you know, catching up with friends on the weekend and, you know, you, the anxious partner, might ask them, oh, where are you gonna go? And your avoidant partner might say, oh, I'm not sure yet. Full stop. And you might then say, what do you mean you're not sure yet? Oh, I just don't know. We haven't made a plan. Or I don't know. I'm not the 1 organizing it. And you might then say, as the anxious partner, well, haven't you asked them, how do you know where you're gonna meet them? And you might sense your avoidant partner becoming increasingly agitated with the line of questioning. You might then pivot to, well, who's going to be there? They might say, I don't know.
[00:04:49]:
And similarly, you might say, well, what do you mean you don't know? That kind of level of back and forth around giving details or not giving details. So why might this be triggering for someone with more anxious attachment patterns certainty and information and details allow you to feel some level of control, right? Vagaries and uncertainty and blank space is a total breeding ground for your anxiety. And particularly in circumstances like the 1 that I've just walked through, you're likely to go to a worst case scenario of they're hiding something from me. They're, you know, cheating on me. There's gonna be someone there that they shouldn't be seeing all of these things. And now I want to be really clear, because I know I'll get people saying, but what if that's true? And what if I've had that experience? And I'm not at all meaning to invalidate those fears to the extent that they are grounded in reality? I'm really talking here just about that dynamic of anxious partner really wanting a lot of information, needing that information to feel safe. And so grilling their partner or kind of interrogating a partner, continuing to like, pick and go back in for more and push and press and then finding resistance in their partner and using the fact of that resistance as evidence that there's something being hidden or concealed. And so escalating that attempt to, you know, draw blood from a stone to pull out information from them.
[00:06:17]:
And, you know, again, on and on that spirals because you're convinced that they're deliberately concealing or hiding something from you. Now, why would that be an issue for the avoidant partner? Why would they avoid a partner not just give you all of the details that you want? So let's kind of walk around to the other side and look at things from their perspective. We know that avoidant partners really value their privacy, their independence, their sense of autonomy. They will often, particularly earlier in a relationship, be quite protective of different parts of their life and keep them quite siloed. So say they were going to a work function. They might not want to give you all of the details about that. And they might deliberately keep that kind of vague because they don't think that it's relevant for you to know. They don't understand why you would need to know all of that because that's a different part of their life.
[00:07:07]:
Now I understand that if you're more anxious, that just doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't really make sense to me either as someone who does tend more in that direction and would freely give that information. But I suppose the point is that it's not always sinister, right? It's not always concealing something because there's something to hide that is dishonesty or keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of, keeping that kind of buffer can be a way of protecting their energetic space, and kind of keeping a level of autonomy rather than feeling intruded upon and feeling like you are seeking to insert yourself into every aspect of their life. So there can be this sense of, you know, a safe distance that they maintain by keeping details vague, by not being really over sharing about every little aspect of other parts of their life that they don't necessarily see as being relevant to you. Now that's not to say that you have to be okay with that. So on both sides, anxious partner doesn't have to just be okay with vague detail, with not being included in other aspects of their partner's life or being kept at arm's length. I think particularly as a relationship goes on, it's totally understandable that you would want to be included in different aspects of each other's lives and feel like you have at least some level of insight into that rather than feeling like you're being kept away. But equally, I think that having the understanding around where that might be coming from can allow you to approach the conversation to the extent that you feel you need to have a conversation from a more compassionate place rather than an accusatory 1.
[00:08:56]:
Because I can assure you that if you go in with an accusation, essentially, you know, what are you hiding from me? Why won't you tell me? Then your partner's only going to retreat further, feel even more intruded upon, and that's gonna exacerbate the dynamic. Now from the avoidant partner's perspective, I think, you know, your work here in this kind of argument is to understand that the more you give, the less your partner's going to go into that mode of intruding upon you or, you know, interrogating you, which is probably how you feel. I use that word kind of loosely or in inverted commas, because I know that that's how you're likely to feel as the more avoidant partner. Like, why are you harassing me? Why do you need to know this doesn't concern you? That protective stance that you're kind of adopting there is actually making it worse. So if you can see things from your partner's perspective and understand that that little bit of extra detail or informational context provides a lot of safety to relax into giving you your space without needing to feel like they have to investigate, you know, pry you open for information. That's, you know, a really nice and I would say relatively easy give, that will actually, you know, your fear story probably tells you that that's gonna be some slippery slope and then you're never gonna have any privacy or time or space yourself again. It's usually the opposite outcome. You'll actually have more freedom, more time and space yourself because your partner is not gonna be so paranoid.
[00:10:24]:
Okay. The next fight that you've probably had some variation of is if you're already having a fight or a serious conversation about something, and the avoidant partner starting to get restless as will often happen. And then they say something along the lines of it's not a good time or I have to get back to work or I have to go and do something. And so they essentially, like, abruptly leave the serious conversation because they've got some other thing to do. Now if you're the anxious partner and you were already upset or worked up, and then your partner says, I've got to go and do this work thing and it goes and gets their laptop out and starts doing something else. That's gonna feel incredibly rejecting and dismissive. Right? It's gonna feel like, how could you possibly be thinking about something else? How can you just switch gears like that? You must not care about this thing that we're talking about at all. You know, you're just trying to come up with some excuse to get out of this conversation.
[00:11:25]:
And so for the anxious partner, that's probably gonna fire you up and you're probably gonna follow them or just be really, really upset and hurt and possibly angry at your partner for just disengaging like that. And you're going to feel really deep prioritized. Like, if you cared about me, you wouldn't be going to do that thing, you'd be staying and having this conversation with me, right? For the avoidant partner, there can be this sense of, like, this conversation is gonna go on for 3 hours. I don't have time or capacity for it. It's not productive. We're not getting anywhere. We're just talking around in circles. And so I'm gonna go and do the thing that I was meant to be doing at this point in time.
[00:12:04]:
And that for them is a perfectly logical, kind of rational response to allocating their time and energy. They're not doing that to deliberately reject or hurt their partner. If anything, they're extracting themselves with a view to keeping the conflict at bay a lot of the time or not letting things escalate to the point of full blown conflict, big emotions, things that they don't really feel comfortable with. And so in nipping something in the bud or kind of shifting gears, extracting themselves, taking themselves out of the insensitive or inopportune moment. Oftentimes it's just their effort at either self regulating, whether they realize it or not, at preserving some semblance of peace and connection or really just doing the things that they were meant to do. You know, if they are genuinely working to a deadline, that might be as important, if not more important to them, than having some big, drawn out relationship conversation. Again, if you're more anxious, that's kind of unfathomable because being drawn out relationship conversations will always come first. Right? You would happily, cancel your plans and push back a deadline or be late for something.
[00:13:14]:
If something big was happening in your relationship and that needed to be discussed. That's always going to take precedence for you. And, you know, you would happily kinda drop everything else to stay in that until you find the resolution that you're looking for. That's just not true for your avoidant partner. A lot of the time, they don't have that same hierarchy where the relationship just sits like so far above everything else that nothing else matters. And so recognizing that that divergence in approach and how you view a conversation like that and the boundaries and time parameters and kind of staying in it, the presence, again, is not coming from a place of, like, a lack of caring or a deliberate attempt at hurting 1 another. But there are some little tweaks that you can do there to try and prevent that from escalating. Because as I said, there's a good chance if the avoidant partner does extract themselves that the anxious partner is going to fire up and really amplify their attempts at being heard, whether that's by getting nasty or getting really emotional, you know, saying you don't even care about me.
[00:14:17]:
What's wrong with you? I can't do this anymore. All of those sorts of things, which again tend not to help really. They're, you know, really understandable and oftentimes coming from a place of desperation at being seen and heard. Like, if I can just get you to understand how much I'm hurting, then you'll come to me, then you'll change, then you'll behave differently. And it can be so upsetting when that doesn't work because obviously we then tell ourselves, well, you don't care. So what can we do about this kind of fight? I think a really good starting point is not having those conversations unless you've got the time and space for them. So really getting an opt in from your partner. Do you have time to talk about X thing? So you're not kind of ambushing them when they are in the middle of something or when it's not a good time, when they're then likely to get kind of uncomfortable and restless and impatient with the conversation because they weren't in the headspace to have it in the 1st place.
[00:15:07]:
And so I think being respectful of their time and energy when you're having these conversations rather than just launching into something when your partner feels kind of backed against a wall, because that's going to naturally lead them to want to find the exit and then that's going to trigger you. So being respectful at the outset and finding a mutually workable time to have conversations, I think is really a good rule of thumb in any relationship. I would also say, hey, you know, if your partner does start to get restless, agitated, start to kind of pull away or withdraw or start to come up with these reasons why they can't continue the conversation rather than jumping to accusation or blame, maybe say, okay, I understand that when would be a good time for us to finish this conversation off? Because it's really important to me. I know that you've got to do x y zed thing. Maybe you just need to cool off and that's actually really valid and sensible. I would say remembering that there is no point in pushing through a conversation when 1 or both of you are really dysregulated. And that's really hard for the anxious partner who just wants to, like, pull those through at all costs until you find your way to that resolution. But when you're both kind of worked up in your own way, you're very rarely going to find yourself to a genuine kind of resolution to that conflict.
[00:16:23]:
You're not able to hear or see each other. So, respecting that if your partner is needing to pull away from the conversation, that that's actually probably sensible and wise and giving them the space to go and regulate with the caveat of, okay, what do I need out of that? What do I need in order to feel comfortable with you taking that space? Well, I need some assurance that we're gonna revisit this. Tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna tomorrow, whatever. But it's gonna be much easier for you to let them go if you know that they're gonna come back at some point and you're going to get what you need. And as a little footnote to that, very sensible for you in that time apart, if you do take that space to go and regulate yourself as well, rather than just, you know, sitting on your bed crying and rehearsing what you're going to say to them, because that's only going to get you more and more worked up. Okay. The 3rd and final fight that you've probably had, I'm sure I could have done an episode without 50 of these, but I'm going to leave it at 3 for today is around love languages.
[00:17:18]:
So I've done an episode of on the love languages before and I've mentioned it here and there. If you're not familiar with the term, I'm sure most of you are. But basically that we each have our own ways of giving and receiving love that are most natural to us, that we give love, show love in those ways, and that we perceive others actions as loving. We feel really love when people demonstrate their love in particular ways. And so for anxiously attached people, I mean, I always kind of joke that I think like anxious people can identify with all of the love languages almost because they tend to really want to express love and to have love expressed towards them. It's almost like this bottomless pit of expressiveness around love and affection and care and desire in both directions, but particularly words of affirmation being like given a verbal reassurance that you are loved and cared for and, you know, getting compliments, those sorts of things are likely to really feel very nourishing and reassuring to the anxious partner. Physical affection is another big 1. And so what we often see in anxious avoiding couples is once again, we tend to have quite different love languages.
[00:18:29]:
So for more avoidant folks, you'll tend to see less of those direct shows of affection, like words of affirmation, their physical affection, physical touch and more kind of action based things. More, we might say indirect acts of service, quality time, gift giving as well can be 1 for for avoidant folks. So what you might see and, you know, a common fight that you might have had is around these differences in love languages. So for anxious folks, you probably want your partner to be more expressive to say, I love you more to say, like, you know, you mean so much to me or you look beautiful or, you know, I don't know what I'd do without you or these sorts of things. Right? Just like getting that verbal reassurance. And you probably don't get heaps of that. From most avoidant partners, that's probably not gonna come naturally to them, being so openly expressive about their feelings towards you. And so they might not be very heavy handed on giving out compliments or or, you know, giving out those words of affirmation in terms of endearment, probably not their thing.
[00:19:31]:
And so you might have had some sort of conflict around that. Likewise, you know, around affection, you might reach out and, like, hold their hand and they might pull their hand back. You might give them a hug, and they might kind of stiffen in your arms. They stand there and then pull away, and that might feel very rejecting for you, understandably. On the flip side of that, you might find that more avoidant partners really wanna spend, like, quality time together. And for them, you know, quality time is likely doing activities together, doing new things together, like being out in the world together. And they might get quite restless, The idea of just hanging out at home together, for example, you know, not doing anything novel or exciting, kind of being in a bubble together is probably not gonna meet that need. And so you've probably had some variation of conflict around these different ways of showing love.
[00:20:21]:
And oftentimes, it will be the anxious partner. You can see a theme here. Often the anxious partner is the 1 I don't wanna say initiating the conflict, but I suppose expressing the the need or the sense of lack or the sense that there's an issue that needs addressing. And that might be around, like, you never tell me you love me or you don't even find me attractive or those sorts of things. And when an avoided partner hears that, particularly if they've been making an effort to show love in their own way, so via acts of service, via, you know, spending time together, they're likely to hear that as just like, oh, nothing I do is enough. Right? I try and do all of these things, and you're just over here telling me that I haven't done that thing or haven't done enough of it. And you're asking me to do something that doesn't come naturally to me. And for avoidant people, there's this real sensitive point around, I don't wanna have to do something where I feel forced.
[00:21:19]:
So I don't wanna have to pretend to feel something that I don't feel. I don't wanna say something that doesn't feel sincere or authentic. That feels kind of scripted and awkward to me, they're likely to have a bigger version to things like that. I don't want, you know, engage in physical affection that feels unnatural and and uncomfortable. So, recognizing that there is this aversion to doing that which doesn't come naturally for their point of partner. It's very much out of their comfort zone, and they're likely to be very resistant to it, which is why they're, you know, more inclined to stick to their more comfortable ways of showing love. But you may well have had some conflict around expressions of love and love languages. Now what to do with that, I really recommend if if that is you, then going to listen to the episode around love languages.
[00:22:07]:
From memory, we also cover love languages specifically in the secure together course that I mentioned earlier. I mean, you know, how to navigate those. But I think once again, we have to give our partner the benefit of the doubt on both sides. Like, what's the most generous interpretation of this? And that's not gonna be, well, my partner just doesn't give a shit about me. They just don't care about me. Can I find my way to a more generous interpretation? Can I try to reorient myself from this really strong negative bias to seeing, you know, how my partner does show up for me and making sure that they know that, making sure that they feel really acknowledged again on both sides? And because the more we shift to that kind of culture of appreciation and acknowledgment, the more safety there's going to be and the more likely we are to be able to then take risks because vulnerability doesn't feel so frightening. If we're in a culture of blame and accusation and attack and defensiveness, vulnerability is a really big ask against that backdrop because we feel like we're in constant self protection. So if you can find a way to shift that culture, shift the relational environment towards something that is more positive, and appreciative, then you may just find that your partner is more willing to meet you in the middle or take those risks, step out of their comfort zone because you've created a really secure foundation for them to do that.
[00:23:31]:
Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful for you. As I said, I hope that you felt seen validated maybe by aspects of those. And even if it's not a carbon copy of those exact fights that you might you know, see aspects of yourself and your partner or maybe an ex partner in the dynamics that I've spoken to that can sit underneath those surface level fight. So hopefully that's given you a little bit more compassion and empathy for your partner and also some greater conscious awareness about what drives your own triggers and so that you don't just have to do a rinse and repeat of those painful arguments that tend to drive you further and further apart rather than bringing you closer together, which is, of course, what we're trying to do. And as I said, if you want to go deeper on that kind of conversation, Secure Together is a really great course, particularly so because Joel is kind of co teaching it with me. And so he's there in all of the videos giving the avoidant perspective directly. I had so much beautiful feedback from people's avoidant partners, who've really loved that and felt that it's been really balanced and so has felt less intimidating for them.
[00:24:35]:
It's not just being lectured to by someone who's on team anxious. It's actually really trying to give a voice to both perspectives with a view to helping you understand each other. So, there's a few more days to get 50% off that course if you are interested, and you can do so via the links in the show notes or heading straight to my website. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me. So appreciative of you all always, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:25:04]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, anxious avoidant relationship, attachment styles, conflict, fights, insecurity, building relationships, thriving relationships, conscious awareness, romantic relationships, relationship dynamics, intimacy, fear and insecurity, safety in relationships, attachment needs, protective mechanisms, anxiety, regulation, avoiding conflict, partner dynamics, love languages, words of affirmation, physical affection, quality time, acts of service, gift giving, emotional regulation, relationship communication
Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
In today's episode, I'm sharing some thoughts on why you might struggle to let go of someone after a break-up - especially in circumstances where you logically know that they were "bad" for you. This is such a common experience, particularly for those with anxious attachment - feeling pulled in two different directions between what you know is best vs what your body and attachment system is urging you to do.
We cover:
The importance of managing expectations after a break-up
Why it's normal to miss your ex (without it meaning anything)
Why unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships can be even harder to let go of
Treating moving on as a choice rather than a feeling
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Why You Struggle to Let Go After a Break-Up (Even When They Were "Bad" For You)
Breaking up is never easy, but it can feel particularly perplexing when you find yourself struggling to let go of someone who was objectively “bad” for you. This emotional tug-of-war is more common than you might think and, contrary to popular belief, is not a sign of weakness or ignorance. Instead, it speaks to deeper emotional mechanics at play, particularly for those with anxious attachment styles. Let’s explore why it’s so challenging to move on and how you can work through this bewildering phase.
Emotional vs Logical Understanding
When a relationship ends, the human brain often plays a cruel trick: it creates a conflict between your emotional responses and your logical understanding. Logically, you may very well grasp that your ex-partner was inconsistent, unkind, or otherwise not suited to you. But emotionally, the attachment you formed doesn’t dissolve just because the relationship has.
This dichotomy can be especially pronounced in individuals with anxious attachment. For those who experience heightened anxiety around relationships, the bonds they form tend to be more intense and harder to sever, even if the relationship was fraught with issues. Understanding that this emotional dissonance is normal can be the first step toward healing.
The Role of Habit and Muscle Memory
One of the reasons you may struggle to let go is sheer habit. Relationships often involve routines and rituals that become ingrained in your daily life. Morning texts, evening calls, weekend plans—all of these create a structure. When the relationship ends, so do these habitual interactions, leaving you with a sense of void.
Moreover, emotionally charged relationships often have a kind of "muscle memory." You’re conditioned to think about your partner, worry about them, and even argue with them. When that stimulation is removed, the quiet can feel unsettling. The brain, accustomed to a certain level of emotional engagement, finds the sudden silence disruptive.
The Allure of Familiar Chaos
It might seem illogical to miss a relationship that caused more stress and drama than joy. Yet, for many, there is a twisted comfort in the familiarity of chaos. Dysfunctional relationships often reinforce a continuous cycle of stress and relief. Conflict generates anxiety, but resolving conflicts, even temporarily, provides emotional relief. This cycle can become addictive, making the emotional highs and lows hard to relinquish.
For some, being in conflict still feels better than being alone. The connection inherent in heated exchanges or reconciliations feels preferable to the emptiness of separation. Recognising that a dysfunctional relationship can still offer a perverse sense of security is crucial in understanding why letting go feels so tough.
Reframing Moving On: Action Over Emotion
The journey to letting go is often hampered by the belief that moving on should be a feeling rather than a choice. People say, “I can’t move on because I still love them,” and thus wait for the feeling of having moved on to arrive. However, this misconception can prolong your suffering.
Moving on is more about making deliberate choices and taking specific actions, rather than waiting to feel differently. Just like exercise, where motivation may come after you’ve already started working out, taking steps toward closure can eventually foster emotional relief. Setting new routines, seeking new social connections, and investing in personal development can initiate this process.
Practical Steps to Letting Go
Here are some practical steps to help you move forward:
- Limit Contact: Reducing or eliminating contact with your ex can help you rewire your habits. This includes social media checks and casual texts.
- Create New Routines: Fill the gaps left by the relationship with new hobbies or activities. This introduces new forms of joy and structure in your life.
- Reach Out for Support: Engage with friends, family, or a therapist to discuss your feelings and receive guidance.
- Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge that it’s normal to miss someone and that these feelings don’t invalidate the reasons for your break-up.
- Focus on Personal Growth: Take this time to reflect on what you want and need in future relationships. Break the cycle of past patterns by understanding and reworking them.
The Importance of Self-Kindness
Above all, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism, asking why you can't seem to move on. Instead, understand that this is a deeply human experience. There’s nothing wrong or weak about feeling attached to someone who wasn’t good for you. It’s a part of navigating relationships and growing from them.
By compassionately confronting your feelings and taking proactive steps towards a healthier future, you'll find that the struggle to let go lessens over time. It’s in the ongoing process of nurturing yourself, rather than the rush to move on, that true healing occurs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself struggling to let go of past relationships, even when you know they were not healthy for you? Reflect on the emotions and thoughts that arise in these moments.
How does your attachment style influence your feelings post-breakup? Do you notice any patterns or tendencies that might be contributing to your struggle with letting go?
Steph mentions the concept of “predictability in chaos.” Can you relate to finding a sense of safety in a tumultuous relationship? How has this impacted your ability to move on?
Have you ever mistaken missing someone for a sign that you should get back together? Reflect on why these feelings might be misleading and how you can reframe them.
What are some practical steps you can take to support yourself through the process of moving on from a breakup? List a few specific actions and consider how you can implement them in your daily life.
Consider the idea of moving on as a series of actions rather than just a feeling. How can you apply this mindset to your own healing process?
Reflect on a time when you felt an impulse to check up on an ex-partner. What emotions were driving this behaviour, and how can you redirect that energy towards self-care?
Journal about the role of self-compassion in your healing journey. How can you be kinder to yourself during this difficult phase of letting go?
Do you find yourself orbiting around the idea of your ex-partner, even long after the breakup? Explore ways in which you can shift your focus back to your own growth and well-being.
Stephanie talks about the importance of reframing your story from one of powerlessness to one of agency. How can you reframe your own narrative to feel more empowered and in control of your healing process?
Feel free to use these prompts for journaling or group discussions to deepen your understanding and reflection on the themes discussed in this episode.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I am talking about why you struggle to let go of someone even when you know they're not good for you, so to speak. So this is a very, very common conundrum, particularly for folks with anxious attachment, although I don't think that it's exclusive to anxiously attached people. I think that the letting go of someone, irrespective of whether we logically know that the relationship, the connection is not right for us, whatever that might mean. You know, it's something that we all can fall prey to, that we can all struggle with to varying degrees. Although I do think that those among you who identify with anxious attachment will experience this in overdrive. And as we'll talk about, that's normal and makes perfect sense.
[00:01:20]:
I spoken many times before about, you know, why anxiously attached people tend to struggle with breakups. And this really falls into that same category. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode, but hopefully one that gives you some reassurance if you're in this situation, if you're struggling to let go of someone, some reassurance that what you're experiencing is normal and it's not something that you need to overthink. Of course, easier said than done, for all of my overthinkers, if only it were as simple as me telling you to stop overthinking. But really, it isn't something that you need to try and make sense of because so much of the time, these things that we're trying to apply a rational lens to, they are experiences that are inherently irrational in that they are deeply emotional. And so oftentimes it's not a matter of making it make sense, but actually just making peace with the fact that it doesn't make logical or rational sense. And it's just a matter of seeing it for what it is and continuing to take steps forward without trying to solve it or make it go away.
[00:02:29]:
Because I think that's where we can get ourselves really stuck and devoting so much more energy to something that we're actually trying to move away from or let go of. So I'm gonna be sharing some thoughts on that today. Before I do, just a reminder that you can still save 50% on my master classes and courses, I think for the next week or so. I'll see. I'm going to be taking that down soon, maybe at the end of June. So you've still got a little bit of time to jump in, but not much. So if you're wanting to save 50% on any of my master classes, of course, is particularly with today's topic around letting go of someone. If you're in that situation, I'd really recommend you check out higher love, which is my breakout course.
[00:03:08]:
Hundreds and hundreds of people have gone through this course over the past couple of years, and it always gets really incredible feedback. People saying that it was instrumental in helping them not only kind of heal from their breakup, so to speak, but take steps towards a future where they feel much more confident and sure of themselves and, I suppose, self trusting that they're not going to just repeat the same patterns in the next relationship. And that's a big part of the course is getting clarity around that and kind of breaking those patterns so that you can do things differently next time rather than just doing a rinse and repeat. So you can save 50% on any of those with the discount code, hey, baby, if you're interested. And that's all linked in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about why you struggle to let go of someone when you know that they're not good for you. Now, as I said, very, very common experience.
[00:03:55]:
So normal. And as I've spoken about many times before, if you search breakups within this podcast, there's heaps of episodes on it that you can go back and binge listen to if you feel so inclined. But really, breakups are meant to be hard and breakups are meant to pull you in different directions because you've got all of these conflicting drives. And just because a relationship ends, you're not going to suddenly stop loving the person. You're not going to suddenly stop having feelings towards them or feeling attached to them. You're not gonna stop expecting to see them in your day to day life or speak to them. All of these things that are so habitual and that you have so much muscle memory around, for them to just evaporate overnight is a really, really challenging experience at the best of times. Right? Now, when someone is not good for you, whatever that might mean, I think we'll just assume for the purposes of this episode that we're talking about, someone who maybe didn't treat you terribly well, maybe was flaky or inconsistent or just the combination of your attachment styles or whatever else, like what you each brought to the relationship meant that it was high drama, it was tumultuous, it was conflict ridden and you felt really unseen and all of those things that I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with.
[00:05:17]:
I've certainly had my fair share of that kind of dynamic in the past. So why why would that be hard to let go of? I think we can feel it doesn't make sense. As I was saying in the introduction, we can have this sense of wouldn't it be easier to let go of that person? Because rationally, logically, I know that that relationship was unhealthy and that they weren't good for me, that I felt distressed and sad and anxious most of the time in that relationship. So shouldn't I feel relieved now that I'm not with them anymore? Why do I feel like I miss them? Why can't I stop thinking about them? Why am I obsessing over what they're doing and who they're seeing and how they're spending their time and whether they miss me and whether they're thinking about me? Why do I still care so much when deep down I know that it was dysfunctional? And I think that, again, we really have to be so kind to ourselves and cut ourselves a lot of slack there because you're not like uniquely broken or desperate or pathetic for having that experience. It's actually extremely normal. And I think that, again, when we've had any kind of relationship end, but particularly one that has been really high drama, we have all this energy that we're used to devoting to the relationship, and we've probably really raised our baseline level of activation and stress around relationships. So when the the war is over, so to speak, and we're just left standing amongst the rubble, it can feel extremely disconcerting. And all of those drives to like check up on them and try and see what they're doing and try and control them in some way, That's probably just residual patterns of how you acted in the relationship.
[00:06:56]:
Right. You wanted to always be in conflict with them because for a lot of us, like conflict, at least we're engaged in conflict. And that connection that I get from fighting with you in a weird sort of way feels a lot safer to me than the silence and the disconnect. And so when you're then in the wake of a relationship ending and there's just nothing, you're just in the void, that can feel extremely uncomfortable. And it might not be conscious in so many words that you're making sense of it in that way. But that's often what's going on, is that you'd rather be in in the drama and in the chaos than in the silence and in the void without them. And so when you've been calibrated to that level of drama and chaos with someone who you know is not good for you, then your drive to pursue that, and often that will come out as overthinking about them obsessing, scrutinising, looking on their social media, playing detective, talking about them incessantly When you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that, when you're so accustomed to there being stress and drama around that attachment, around that person, around that relationship. So just recognising that what you're experiencing is a very normal response because, again, we can't really expect to go from, like, fully invested and and particularly when you've been in a relationship that has been stressful and on its last legs.
[00:08:27]:
Again, with anxiously attached people, the tendency is to just keep upping the ante in terms of how much energy you are putting towards the relationship. So you've probably neglected, like, every other aspect of your life, and you were consumed by it. Right? You're thinking about them all day long, or maybe you were trying to talk about the relationship all day long, but, like, really doubling down on trying to hold on, trying to get them to see you, see your perspective, to agree with you, to see how much they were hurting you so that they would change all of these patterns. And so when the heat just keeps rising and rising and rising and then it all goes quiet, that's a very uncomfortable experience. And so the what you're experiencing is why can't I let go of them is really like your system, just having this big hangover and not knowing what to do with the space and the separation and the lack of oversight, the lack of knowing what they're doing, not having that that tether to them when you've derived a lot of safety from that, even if it felt really dysfunctional and chaotic, There was a safety and a familiarity in that for you. There was a predictability in the chaos, and now you are left in the void and that can be deeply uncomfortable. So just normalising that experience and validating it, I realised that doesn't necessarily make it easier, but hopefully, will allow you to not feel like there's something wrong with you or that there's something that you need to solve for there or that you need to make meaning out of. I think this is where so many people fall down after a break.
[00:10:03]:
I was like, oh, I miss them. That must mean something. That must mean that we should get back together. So off I go, I'm gonna text them, and I'm gonna ask to see them and have one more conversation, and try one more time because if this were the right thing, I wouldn't be feeling this way. And while that's a really understandable kind of way to make sense out of it, I think that's often misleading because it's assuming that the missing them is unusual in some way or that it wouldn't be there if the relationship if it were really meant to end. Whereas, I think if you go into a breakup expecting to miss them, irrespective of what the relationship was like, knowing that it could be the most dysfunctional relationship in the world, and you're gonna have little moments of loss and grief, and that's completely normal as you kind of figure out the next chapter. I think that way you can kind of be a little more prepared for those moments if and when they come up and you you don't spiral quite so dramatically. So if you're in this situation and you're having this this thought of why can't I let go, then what I'd really encourage you to do is for starters, drop that story.
[00:11:18]:
So stop saying that over and over. Why can't I let go? I can't let go. It has this kind of powerlessness baked into it that I don't think is very helpful to just keep telling yourself that, oh, my hands are tied. I can't help it. I can't help texting them. I can't help calling them. You can. And I think you just have to say the more honest thing, which is it's really uncomfortable for me to be in this no man's land, to be in this in between space of not really knowing what the next chapter of my life looks like, but not being in that last chapter where even though it was dysfunctional and I didn't feel very good in the relationship, there was still a sense of identity and purpose that I derived from that.
[00:12:02]:
There was still a familiarity. There was still a predictability even in all of the drama. So be honest with you can stop yourself from doing it. It's just really uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and it's going to take some time for you to know how to navigate that. And that's really where you might have heard me say before, we really have to reframe moving on after a relationship ends from a feeling to a choice and an action. People say, I can't move on. I still love them, so I can't move on. And I think if you're waiting for moving on to be a feeling, oh, I just have to sit at home on the couch until I stop loving them.
[00:12:42]:
You're going to be waiting a really long time. Now, that's not to say that you can't have a wallowing period. I actually really encourage it in my higher love course. I have a little exercise for you where you just devote 10 minutes a day to wallowing and crying and doing whatever you need to do. I think it's important to allow yourself to feel those things, but to balance that with taking decisive steps forward and really supporting yourself and taking good care of yourself and kind of deciding that you're gonna write the story of what comes next rather than really dwelling in this place of passivity and self pity and woe is me and nobody's ever gonna love me. I don't think that that's a good place to hang out for too long, And you really do need to trust that if you take steps towards moving on, you take action towards moving on, then the moving on as a feeling kind of follows the moving on as an action or a set of actions. So in much the same way that we don't wait to go to the gym until we feel really motivated, we decide to go to the gym because we know that that's in alignment with our values. And even if we don't feel like it, we know that the feelings will follow, will feel better afterwards, will feel better while we're there even.
[00:13:55]:
And so we we take the action even if we don't have the feeling at the outset. Same with something like meditation. I think that a lot of the time people say, oh, I'm too distracted to sit down and meditate, and and that might be exactly why you need to sit down and meditate. Right? Because you're too distracted. So recognising that we can make choices and take action even if we're not feeling the way that we wanna feel, often us feeling good about ourselves, feeling supported, feeling optimistic, trust that you can do things, you have agency around that, And that those feelings of, of hope, optimism, confidence, self worth will often be a result of the actions that you choose to take. So if you're in that situation, struggling to let go of someone who you know isn't good for you, just know that it's a very, very common one. But there are so many things that you can do. And starting with just letting go of that story and taking little baby steps towards self care, being really kind to yourself, and taking good care of yourself rather than just orbiting around them, fixating on them after a breakup.
[00:15:12]:
Recognise that that impulse is really normal, but you don't have to follow it. You can still take aligned action in the direction that you wanna go and that you know you should go. And as I said, if you want some extra support and more specific guidance with that, definitely check out my Hire Love course, which is 50% off at the moment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:15:38]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
on attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, letting go, relationship breakups, healing, overthinking, emotional experience, irrational feelings, personal growth, Higher Love course, self care, conflict in relationships, relationship advice, relationship coach, breakups, relationship dynamics, self worth, moving on, self trust, personal development, attachment styles, emotional attachment, breakup course, relationship guidance, relationship patterns, romantic relationships, emotional health, Stephanie Rigg.
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
In today's episode, we're exploring the tension between the conflicting needs for time together and time apart that can so often become a source of friction in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
Specifically, I'm sharing a simple but very effective tip that will both reduce separation anxiety for the anxious partner, and increase the avoidant partner's comfort with time spent together, creating a win-win for both partners and reducing the likelihood of repeated ruptures.
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Navigating Conflicting Needs for Togetherness & Separateness in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
Balancing the delicate dance between togetherness and separateness in relationships, especially those marked by anxious-avoidant dynamics, is no easy feat. This dance often unearths conflicting needs and sensitivities, leading to misunderstandings, miscommunications, and recurring conflict cycles. Understanding and navigating these tensions can transform the quality of interaction and connection within these relationships.
Understanding Anxious and Avoidant Dynamics
In any relationship, partners often bring their unique attachment styles, which influence their behaviours and needs. Anxious individuals crave closeness and reassurance. They feel secure when they can observe, in real-time, the presence and commitment of their partner. This sense of togetherness, albeit in physical proximity, mitigates their underlying fear of abandonment.
Conversely, avoidant individuals value their alone time as a space to recharge and regulate. This time in solitude is not merely about being alone; it’s about fostering a sense of inner security and independence, enabling them to participate in the relationship more fully when they reconnect.
The challenge arises in the transitions between these states—moving from togetherness to separateness and vice versa.
The Transition from Togetherness to Separateness
For anxious individuals, the shift from being together to being apart can be particularly distressing. This transition threatens their sense of security. They may experience heightened anxiety, often leading to behaviours perceived as clinging or over-involved, like frequent messaging or checking in.
To ease this transition for an anxious partner, small gestures can go a long way. Simple expressions of love and reassurance, such as saying, “I love you, I’ll talk to you tonight,” can significantly reduce anxiety. Furthermore, avoidant partners should be mindful to not exit abruptly without acknowledging their departure. A hug, a kiss, and a warm goodbye before heading to work, for example, can soften the transition and provide the anxious partner the reassurance they need.
Sharing your schedule or the next point of contact also helps. For instance, letting your partner know that you’ll call during lunch or text when you arrive can be exceptionally comforting. These gestures demonstrate respect and understanding for your partner’s needs, curbing the anxious reactions that might otherwise manifest.
The Transition from Separateness to Togetherness
For avoidant individuals, the challenge often lies in transitioning from their cherished alone time back into connection. An abrupt or unplanned return to interaction can feel jarring and intrusive, leading to feelings of overwhelm or irritability.
The analogy of surfacing from a scuba dive or a bear waking from hibernation aptly captures this experience. Avoidant individuals need a gradual re-entry into connection. Respecting this need begins with understanding and empathy. If your partner is immersed in their personal activity, barging in with conversation can be disconcerting.
Instead, send a gentle signal. If dinner is ready in fifteen minutes, let them know in advance rather than demanding their immediate presence. This forewarning allows them to wrap up their activities and mentally prepare for re-engagement.
Creating a smoother transition helps them feel respected and reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions. Consequently, they will likely join you feeling more resourceful and less overwhelmed.
Mutual Respect and Sensitivity
The key to navigating these opposing needs lies in mutual sensitivity and respect. Both anxious and avoidant partners must actively work to understand and honour their partner’s attachment style.
For avoidant partners, this might mean going the extra mile to provide the continuity and reassurance that their anxious partner craves. As detailed, small acts of consideration, like communicating clearly about when you'll next connect, can prevent anxious spirals and enhance a sense of security.
On the other hand, anxious partners should strive to respect their partner’s need for space. Recognising that the alone time cherished by avoidant individuals is not a rejection but a means to maintain their inner equilibrium. By allowing them to transition gradually from their solitude, you contribute to a more balanced and harmonious reconnection.
Mutual efforts in this regard help minimise friction and misunderstandings, reinforcing the narrative that each partner’s needs are valid and respected. It’s about fostering a collaborative environment where both partners feel supported and understood.
The Importance of Micro-Moments
Addressing these transitional sensitivities doesn’t just prevent conflict but preserves the bond between partners. Micro-moments of care and respect accumulate over time, building a robust foundation of trust and security. These moments might seem trivial individually, but collectively, they form the bedrock of a resilient and loving relationship.
In essence, it’s about tuning into each other’s unspoken needs and creating an environment where both partners feel valued. Understanding the choreographies of attachment styles and the specific needs they generate is crucial. By integrating these practices into daily interactions, couples can significantly enhance their relational satisfaction and overall bond.
Navigating the balance between togetherness and separateness with care and consideration not only helps in managing anxieties but cultivates a deeper, more nuanced intimacy. This respectful dance, marked by mutual accommodation and understanding, paves the way for a harmonious and thriving relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflecting on your own attachment style, do you identify more with anxious or avoidant tendencies? How do these tendencies manifest in your relationships?
When transitioning from togetherness to separateness in your relationship, what emotions or thoughts typically arise for you? How do you handle them?
Are there specific actions or behaviours that your partner can take to help ease your anxiety during times of separation? How can you effectively communicate these needs to them?
Consider a time when you felt particularly hurt by your partner’s need for alone time. How could a different approach from your partner have changed the way you felt during that transition?
How do you perceive your partner’s need for alone time? Do you view it as a reflection of their independence, or do you sometimes take it personally? How might this perception impact your relationship?
Can you think of ways to show respect for your partner’s need for aloneness, even if it doesn’t come naturally to you? What small changes could you implement to honour their need for space better?
Recall a situation where you might have interrupted your partner’s alone time. How did they react, and how did their reaction make you feel? What lessons can you take away from that experience?
If you live with your partner, how do you handle daily separations, such as leaving for work? What rituals or habits could you establish to make these moments feel more connected and reassuring?
Reflect on a moment where your partner respected your need for connection or alone time. How did this impact your sense of security and trust within the relationship?
Think about previous relationships where these transitional moments caused friction. How might an increased awareness of these dynamics have altered the course of those relationships, for better or worse?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about togetherness and separateness in anxious avoidant relationships and how to navigate the tension between those conflicting needs that you might have as an anxious avoiding couple. Now full disclosure upfront. I don't know that what I've titled this episode actually accurately captures what I'm gonna be talking about, which is a struggle that I often have. The titles that are catchy often lack nuance. And then if I try and add more nuance to the title, then it sounds a little bit dense and wordy for a quick one liner. So what I'm really gonna be talking about today is less about how to navigate the actual time spent apart versus together, and more sharing a tip, which I think is not obvious, but is incredibly effective and transformative, to soften some of the friction that can arise, when it comes to separating for anxious people and coming back together for avoidant people.
[00:01:33]:
Because if you've noticed, for anxious folks, it is that shift from being together to a part that can be quite distressing. And for avoidant folks, it is the shift from being in their aloneness, in their own time and space to coming back together, which can be the friction point for them. And oftentimes there can be misunderstandings, miscommunications, and, you know, those attachment wounds that we each have can be triggered in those transitional moments in ways that then lead us into conflict cycles that, you know, entrench us into that oppositional dynamic, which we're trying to get away from rather than deeper into. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about that and a really simple but very effective way to hopefully nip that in the bud so that you don't spiral into those dynamics so frequently. And I think really reinforce the stories that you might have around, you know, how your partner feels about you, how much they care about you, how much they respect you, all of those things. So that's what I'm gonna be talking about today. It's gonna be a short and sweet episode. Before I dive into that, a reminder that I'm still running a 50% off sale on my courses and master classes on my website.
[00:02:44]:
So if you head to stephanierigg.com, you can look through my full master classes and my two courses, which are Secure Together and Higher Love. And you can save 50% on any of those with the code HEYBABY, all one word. The other quick announcement that I have is just because I am absolutely terrible at reminding people, if you're someone who likes to watch things rather than listen, or maybe in addition to, I have a YouTube channel where all of these podcast episodes get uploaded in full, if you would like to watch. I also have a website for the podcast. This is the one that I'm really terrible at telling anyone about. But there is a full website on attachment.com, which has, show notes, transcripts. It even has, like, discussion questions or journal prompts for every episode. So if you're interested in that additional info, I know some of you, sometimes message me and say that you take notes while you're listening.
[00:03:39]:
So if you'd like to have a bit more of a comprehensive set of notes or or something to work off, if you're someone who likes to go a little deeper into the episodes, head to onattachment.com, and you can find all of that there totally free of charge. Okay. Announcements done and dusted. Now let's talk about this. So as I said in the introduction, we know to be true that for anxious folks, separation anxiety is a point of sensitivity, that, you know, comes from that need for closeness, that fear of abandonment, that sense of when I'm connected with you in the sense of with you, and having that real time observable confirmation that, like, you're here and we're together and everything's okay. I feel good about that. I feel reassured. I'm much less likely to catastrophize and to feel like there's something wrong when I have almost like the evidence here in front of me that nothing's wrong with it.
[00:04:33]:
You know, you're here and I'm safe and you're safe. So that's, as we know, comfort zone for anxious people is that we are together and in that really, like, literal, you're right next to me kind of connection. The flip side of that is that separateness, time apart, can be challenging. And as I said, it's often the transition from togetherness to separateness, that can be hard. And if that's not handled in a way that is taking into account the sensitivities of the anxious partner, then those sensitivities can be amplified or exacerbated. When we look at the avoidant partner, we have, as is often the case, kind of the the other end of the spectrum. So if the avoidant partner, their alone time is really regenerative and important, and it allows them to regulate. It allows them to feel safe and secure, kind of stand on their own 2 feet and, you know, have a sense of groundedness within themselves that then allows them to come to the relationship in a more resourced way that doesn't leave them feeling overwhelmed and kind of burnt out and cornered or or any of those feelings that are common among avoidant people.
[00:05:49]:
And because of that, it can be the transition from their safe space of aloneness into connection that is a bit rough for the avoidant partner. And if that's not handled with care, then again, we can see some of that friction can arise. Some of the stories that the avoidant partner might have about the relationship, about relationships more broadly, about their partner. All of those things can be activated, in that transition from separateness to togetherness. So recognizing that, the really kind of quick and easy tips that I wanna offer you, and it's almost like a it almost feels like a cheat code for anxious avoidant relationships in this particular context, is to pay extra attention to those transitional moments. So if you are the avoidant partner and you are wanting to ease your anxious partner's anxiety around separateness so that they can go into time apart, feeling much more reassured and comfortable and less likely to, you know, hover around you to be this helicopter partner who's messaging you all the time, who's not really respecting the space. Take care to soften that transition by saying things like, you know, I love you. I'll talk to you tonight.
[00:07:11]:
If you're know, spending time with them and then you're leaving or if you live together and you are doing something as simple as going off to work in the morning for the avoidant partner, you might not think twice around, you know, grabbing your bag and walking out the door without saying goodbye. But for the anxious partner, that's probably going to be quite an affront or they might feel quietly hurt that you wouldn't come and find them in the house somewhere. And, you know, give them a hug and a kiss and say, I hope you have a great day, before you go off to work. So if you can pay a little bit more attention to that, rather than just doing the thing that makes sense to you based on, you know, your way of being, that could go a really long way in effecting that transition in a way that is likely to increase, the comfort, the security, the sense of safety for your partner as you go into that zone that is less comfortable for them. So, as I said, just doing little things like telling your partner you love them, giving them a hug and a kiss, telling them when you're gonna see them or when you're next going to talk to them, that's gonna go a really long way in easing the separation anxiety and softening that transition for your anxious partner. Now, the flip side of that for the anxious partner who wants to contribute to the softening of that transition for the avoidant partner going in the other direction, some of the things that you might want to think about, I once heard an amazing analogy. I think it was Diane Pool Heller, who is amazing attachment expert. She gave the analogy that an avoided person coming into connection from alone time is sort of like when you are scuba diving and you're coming up for air and you don't want to do that too quickly because you can obviously have all of these complications associated with it.
[00:08:53]:
So you sort of wanna slowly emerge. It's almost like a bear coming out of hibernation, that you wanna do that gradually rather than in a way that feels really jarring, or intrusive. So examples might be, and, you know, I'll draw examples from my own relationship. I know that if Joel is in his office and he's got his headphones on and he's in the middle of something, if I just go in and start talking at him, he gets really agitated by that. And for me, it's easy to go like, oh, why do you have to be so kind of rude or abrupt or, you know, irritable, in the way that you're responding to me? Because for me, I wouldn't be like that. It wouldn't bother me at all if I was in the middle of something and he started, you know, came into my room and started talking to me. That would be fine. But it really does bother him.
[00:09:41]:
And I have to remind myself that we're different in that respect, that when he is in his aloneness, that that is, you know, more sacred, than perhaps it is for me. And so being a bit more respectful of the bubble that the avoidant partner places themselves in, and recognizing that that's a really important time and space for them. I'm just thinking if Joel listens to this, he's probably gonna be laughing because I don't do a very good job at honoring this at all. But the point stands, it's a really good thing to do, you know, to allow your partner a bit of time to come out of hibernation, so to speak. So, for example, if you do live together and, you know, you're having dinner rather than say you're cooking dinner for your partner, rather than yelling at them and saying dinner's on the table right now. So they need to drop what they're doing and come immediately to you. You might say dinner you send them a text if they're in a different part of, you know, the living space. Dinner's gonna be ready in 10 minutes or something.
[00:10:36]:
So that gives them a bit of forewarning, allows them to wrap up whatever they're doing and shift gears so that they can then join you in a way that, you know, they're a little bit more prepared for rather than feeling like they've been yanked out of their separateness or, you know, maybe if it does take them time to join you, that then you're irritated or upset that they didn't do so immediately. So having a little consideration for the fact that they're going to need a bit more time to come out of that aloneness. And that if you can give them that time, give them that forewarning, and recognize that if you intrude upon their aloneness, and they have a reaction against that, it's really easy for you to then feel hurt or rejected or attacked unfairly, and then, you know, go into all of those stories around, I would never speak to you that way or, you know, I'm just trying to help or whatever the thing might be that you're telling yourself. Again, I am drawing all of these from personal experience as you can probably tell. But I think having that awareness of, like, it's actually not about me. It's about the sacredness of their time. And, you know, spoiler alert, the more respectful you are of their time and space, and, you know, the less you make them wrong for needing it and wanting it and protecting it, so your partner is going to be really, you know, defensive of their right to space. If they feel like you're intruding upon their space all the time.
[00:12:08]:
And you're, you know, blaming them or attacking them or criticizing them for needing that space. So, if you can be respectful of that, if you can honor that, and as I said, this goes both ways. So we want to create this overall sense of, you know, sensitivity and care and respectfulness of the others needs around these transition points. So it might sound kind of simple, but I think that if you both made an effort in each respect, so the avoidant partner makes the effort in, you know, going above and beyond what they ordinarily would in terms of going from togetherness to separateness. So softening those transitions, putting an extra effort to be loving, to be caring, to communicate around when you'll next be in contact or see each other. And I think if the anxious partner then was more respectful around the transition back into connection, you probably eliminate a lot of even if it's not all out conflict, like little moments, like micro moments of hurt that pile up and then turn into, you know, this snowballing resentment that will eventually come out, or eventually, you know, chip away at your connection and leave you feeling ultimately like your partner doesn't care about you, which I think is where so many of these little attachment wounds and ruptures end up. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, short and sweet episode today.
[00:13:35]:
But I think that, you know, even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, it's really a useful little nugget to tuck away. Maybe you can reflect on previous relationships and where you didn't have this awareness and you can go, oh, yeah, I think that would have made a really big difference both to me and to my partner. And obviously for future relationships, knowing about that dynamic, knowing about those sensitivities, I think can be hugely helpful. So, I hope you've learned something. As always, grateful for your support. Oh, actually, that's what I forgot to say at the start. We crossed over 4,000,000 downloads of the podcast last week. So huge, huge thank you for all of your support.
[00:14:17]:
That's a really incredible milestone to hit in, you know, just over 2 years of the podcast. This podcast is independently run and produced and everything. And by independently, I mean me at home in my home office. So to be reaching so many people all over the world, is really quite incredible. And I'm incredibly honored and grateful for your support. So a huge thank you to all of you, whether you are a relatively new listener or you've been here from the start. I'm really thankful for you. Okay.
[00:14:50]:
That's it for me, and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:14:56]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious-avoidant relationships, relationships, attachment theory, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, building healthy relationships, overcoming insecurity, togetherness and separateness, avoiding conflict, transitional moments, attachment wounds, softening transitions, separation anxiety, avoidant partner, anxious partner, conflict cycles, Secure Together course, Higher Love course, personal development, relationship dynamics, navigating relationship tensions, relationship advice, communication in relationships, attachment sensitivities, handling separateness, relationship tips, YouTube channel, podcast episodes, journal prompts, show notes, relationship resources
5 Signs You Struggle With Receiving
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with. We cover :the tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships difficulty directing asking for what you want or need feeling guilty or burden...
In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving. For many of us, being the giver in our relationships is our comfort zone - which can lead to imbalances, unmet needs, and resentment. But while we may bemoan the lack of reciprocity in our relationships, there is a vulnerability to receiving that many of us are uncomfortable with.
We cover:
The tendency to consistently end up in imbalanced relationships
Difficulty directing asking for what you want or need
Feeling guilty or burdensome when people support or accommodate you
Struggling to accept compliments or praise
Discomfort with being the centre of attention
💸 🎉 50% OFF SALE - use code HEYBABY to save 50% off any of the following:
Struggling with Receiving? Here Are 5 Signs You Might Be Missing
In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, it's not uncommon to find oneself caught in a pattern of giving without receiving in return. This dynamic can often go unnoticed until it leads to feelings of imbalance and resentment. Recognising if you struggle with receiving is the first step towards fostering healthier, more reciprocal relationships. Here are five signs that might indicate you have difficulties in this area.
Consistently Imbalanced Relationships
A clear indication that you may struggle with receiving is if you find yourself consistently in relationships that feel one-sided. This could be in friendships, familial relationships, or romantic partnerships. If you often feel that you’re the one always giving, accommodating, and supporting while others take without reciprocating, it could be a sign. Such patterns might be ingrained, making it feel natural to be the giver, but it’s essential to realise that healthy relationships involve mutual support and giving.
This dynamic might lead you to mistakenly believe that others are taking advantage of you. However, it’s worth reflecting on how you might be contributing to this imbalance. Are you setting boundaries? Are you communicating your needs? Often, we play a role in perpetuating these patterns by not asserting ourselves or by avoiding the vulnerability involved in receiving.
Reluctance to Ask for Support
Another sign is a real difficulty in directly asking for what you need. Whether it’s emotional support, practical help, or something else entirely, if you find yourself hesitant to make such requests, you might have an issue with receiving. The discomfort might stem from fears of being a burden, facing rejection, or believing that others might resent you for voicing your needs.
You might prefer to wait until someone offers help and feel more comfortable if they've initiated it. Even then, you might go through several rounds of assuring them that you’re fine and that it’s no big deal before eventually conceding to their offer. This hesitance can often be tied to deeper insecurities about your worthiness and whether you deserve to have your needs met.
Guilt When Accommodated
Feeling guilty when someone supports or accommodates you is another hallmark of struggling with receiving. Despite being willing and even eager to help others, you might feel uncomfortable when the roles are reversed. Think about instances where someone has gone out of their way for you. Do you immediately feel the need to minimise the inconvenience or express how unnecessary their help is, even when you appreciate it?
This guilt might be accompanied by inner dialogues questioning your worthiness or worrying about potential negative consequences. It’s crucial to recognise that such feelings are often unfounded and more a reflection of your internal struggles than the reality of the situation.
Deflecting Compliments
If you're quick to deflect or downplay compliments, this too signals a discomfort with receiving. When someone praises you, do you find yourself immediately redirecting the compliment back to them or minimising it by downplaying your efforts? For example, instead of saying "thank you," you might respond with "oh, this old thing?" or "I just got lucky."
Accepting compliments can feel like a spotlight is on you, making the experience feel almost exposed and vulnerable. Learning to simply say "thank you" without qualification is a powerful step towards becoming more comfortable with receiving.
Discomfort with Being the Centre of Attention
Feeling uneasy when you are the focus of attention, such as during a birthday celebration or any event centred around you, can also be a sign. While not everyone enjoys being the centre of attention due to personality differences, extreme discomfort might point to underlying issues with receiving.
This discomfort often stems from an inability to believe that people genuinely want to celebrate or support you. It could be linked to a fear of seeming needy or the deep-seated belief that you must be self-sufficient to be valued and loved.
Embracing the Vulnerability of Receiving
Addressing and overcoming these signs involves delving into the roots of these feelings and challenging the narratives that fuel them. It requires embracing the inherent vulnerability of receiving. This might mean starting small, such as expressing your preferences when someone asks for your opinion, or practising gratitude when receiving assistance or compliments.
Understand that receiving is not a sign of weakness or neediness. It is part of the natural ebb and flow of healthy relationships. By recognising and addressing your struggles with receiving, you open the door to more balanced, fulfilling relationships where giving and receiving are reciprocally rewarding.
Accept that feeling discomfort is part of the growth process. Encourage yourself to sit with this discomfort rather than retreating from it. The more you allow yourself to receive, the more you will see the capacity for generosity and support in others, thus creating a more balanced and enriching relational experience.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself frequently feeling imbalanced in your relationships, often giving more than you receive? How does this dynamic impact your sense of satisfaction within these relationships?
How comfortable are you with directly asking for support or expressing your needs to others? What fears or anxieties arise for you in these situations?
Reflect on a time when someone went out of their way to support you. Did you feel guilty or undeserving of their efforts? What beliefs or past experiences contribute to these feelings?
When you receive compliments, do you tend to deflect, downplay, or dismiss them? Why do you think it's challenging for you to simply accept praise?
How do you feel about being the centre of attention or being celebrated by others? What messages about worthiness and vulnerability surface for you in these moments?
Consider the narrative you've constructed about being "low maintenance" or "easy." How does this self-perception affect your willingness to let others take care of you?
What stories do you tell yourself about your worthiness to receive love and support? How do these stories influence your behaviour and interactions in relationships?
How might your fear of being a burden or your concern about others' resentment impact your ability to receive care and support?
Reflect on a recent interaction where you allowed someone to give to you without resisting or minimizing their efforts. How did it feel to accept their support fully?
Identify one small way you can practice receiving this week, whether it's accepting a compliment graciously or allowing someone to do something kind for you. How can this practice contribute to recalibrating the balance in your relationships?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we're talking all about receiving, specifically 5 signs that you struggle with receiving in your relationships. So receiving is probably not something that you've turned your mind to very consciously.
[00:00:48]:
I think for a lot of us, it's really not. And yet I think for so many people, it can be a real struggle and it can. Keep us stuck in relationships that are really imbalanced, not really knowing why or what to do about it. And as we'll talk about, I think we can often blame the other person for the fact that maybe our needs are not being met or we're not feeling We're responsible in part for we're responsible in part for the creation and perpetuation of a dynamic that feels imbalanced or asymmetrical in terms of contribution or who's being accommodated. Because for a lot of us, as much as we can bemoan the fact that it's always all about the other person, receiving is actually really vulnerable and can be really challenging if that's not the seat that you have traditionally sat in, in your relationships. So let me talking a little bit about that today, and sharing some signs that you might struggle with this. As I think many of you will, I certainly have in the past and still really have to consciously open myself to receiving and drop or resist any feelings of guilt or discomfort that might come with being accommodated rather than being the one who's always accommodating others. Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today.
[00:02:18]:
Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder that I'm running a 50% off sale at the moment on all of my courses and master classes. So my higher love breakup course, my secure together couples or relationship course, and then my 4 master classes, which are shorter workshops on specific topics. All of those are 50% off at the moment with the discount code, Hey, baby. So if you insert that discount code at the checkout, you can save 50% on all of those. So if you've been interested in going deeper into some of my programs or workshops, now's a really great time to do that. Okay. So let's talk about signs that you struggle with receiving. Now, the first one is that you often or consistently wind up in relationships, And this can be friendships as well, to be clear, it's not specific to romantic relationships, but you consistently wind up in relationships that feel imbalanced or lacking in reciprocity.
[00:03:16]:
So as I alluded to in the introduction, there's this sense of, I'm always the giver and other people are always taking from me or I'm accommodating them. I am working around their needs and preferences And it's never me who's taking up that space. It's never me who is the one being accommodated, the one whose preferences are being catered to. It feels like I'm always in the support role rather than the one being supported. Now, you might be hearing that and going, why is that my fault, right? Why should I be held responsible for the fact that people are taking advantage of me or other stories like that? And as always, it's not about fault. And I hope that those of you who've been following my work for a while know that I'm not talking in terms of fault and blame. And I think that we really have to try and look beyond that and go, okay, what's actually going on here? And as always, I think that these dynamics, where it takes 2 to tango and they reinforce each other. And so we're not looking at blame so much as in what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of the status quo here? And I think that when we are consistently winding up in relationships that have a similar look and feel to them in terms of that kind of dynamic of over giving and imbalance and feeling maybe resentful about that.
[00:04:41]:
That's a really good sign that we are part of that, that we are contributing in some way And that that's not just about the other person. I think when you've got the same dynamic over and over again, it becomes a little dishonest maybe to just point the finger at the other person and go, oh, I don't know why I always end up with people who take advantage of me. So the first line that you might struggle with receiving, and I suppose the other side of that coin is that, you know, you maybe give too much is that you always end up in relationships that look like that. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you rarely, if ever, directly ask for what you need or ask for support, ask for someone to do something for you. That's something that you really struggle to directly request. And if someone offers, so you're probably much more comfortable with someone offering that to you rather than you having to assert it. And you might find that if someone does offer, you go through a few rounds of pushing back and saying, no, I'm fine.
[00:05:41]:
Don't worry about it. It's really not that big a deal. And other things like that before you eventually might accept whatever it is that they're offering you. So it's only in those circumstances that you can feel okay with someone doing something for you, even if you really want to and you wish you could ask them directly. It might just feel too vulnerable, whether that's because you're worrying that you're a burden, or that they're going to resent doing something for you, or you fear rejection, you fear what would happen if they said, No, I'm not going to do that for you. Whatever it might be, and it might be all of those or a combination of them, that you're much more comfortable with someone going out of their way or giving something to you or taking care of you, supporting you. However, it looks in a given set of circumstances. If they've initiated it, they've offered it, they've insisted against your pushback.
[00:06:38]:
And then finally, you can go, okay, great, thanks. It's like you have confirmation of the fact that they really do wanna do it and they're really happy to, and it's really not a big deal. That kind of alleviates some of your fears or concerns around them going out of their way, which feels uncomfortable and maybe you feel, you know, unworthy or undeserving of that, or you worry, you know, what they're going to really be thinking as a result of having to accommodate you, because that's not a position that you're accustomed to being in. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is related to the previous that you feel guilty when people go out of their way to support or accommodate you. It feels like you've done something wrong or you're anticipating some sort of adverse consequence. And this is even when you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. Right.
[00:07:31]:
If the circumstances were flipped, if you were in the giving role, there's no way that you would be harboring any resentment or concern about it, or you'd be really comfortable with doing that for them as an act of love, but you really struggle to believe that the same could be true in the other direction. And so you feel guilt or anxiety around receiving when someone is going out of their way to accommodate you. So maybe that's, they've offered to pick you up from the airport at an inconvenient time of day or go out of their way to pick something up at the shops for you. Maybe you've said, oh, don't worry. Only if it's not too hard. Only if it's not too much trouble, all of those things. And then you feel a bit uncomfortable if someone has had to go out of their way to do it. And I think the common thread underneath that is really struggling to believe that you are worthy of other people's efforts, right? That it's all well and good for you to go to those links to show them love and care and support, but you struggle to believe that they love and care and want to support you to the same degree.
[00:08:36]:
So maybe you fear that they're not going to be happy with you, or they're going to punish you in some way as a result of having to take care of you or accommodate you? And so I think there is a little thread there around worthiness and deservingness. Can I really take in someone's love or do I put a ceiling on their expression of love and care for me? Because I don't really believe that it's there or that it's possible. I don't want to be disappointed. So I sort of tell myself and tell them that I don't need it or want it, that I'm fine to take care of myself, that I'm low maintenance, all of these things, when really it's just that I struggle with receiving it. Okay. The next sign that you struggle with receiving is that you are quick to deflect or minimize compliments, or maybe you very quickly push it back onto the other person. So for example, if someone says, you look really nice today, you might say, oh, really? I got ready in 5 minutes. And this is just an old sweater of mine and whatever else you downplay it.
[00:09:49]:
You struggle to just take it in and go, thank you. I really appreciate that full stop. Right. Or maybe you push back onto them and go, oh, thank you. Look amazing. Don't talk about me. Look at you. Right? And having the spotlight on you and just taking in someone's praise, someone's compliment feels really, you've got almost naked and vulnerable, in a way that is really uncomfortable for you.
[00:10:12]:
So noticing that, do you struggle to just take the compliment? Someone says, oh, you, you did an amazing job at something. You might find other ways to detract from your own efforts or your own successes. Because again, you worry that there's going to be some sort of consequence attached to just asking in it and just, you know, gratefully accepting whatever someone's offering to you by way of compliment or praise. And the last sign that you struggle with receiving is you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention. So for example, if you throw a birthday party, you might really feel very uncomfortable with the idea of people coming to celebrate you and it all being about you. I can very much relate to this. I still struggle with it. Don't really like that at all.
[00:11:08]:
And while I think there are personality differences around this, and it's not to say that we all have to become comfortable with being the center of attention and having a surprise party with a 100 people phone in our honor. I think for some of us, it's just never gonna be comfortable and maybe that's okay. It is something to reflect on, do I resist being loved and letting people love me and letting people show up for me and celebrating me. What is it about that that feels so uncomfortable? Do I struggle to believe that people will, or people want to, And where does that come from within me? What might it be like to really allow myself to receive people's celebration or love of me. And so reflecting on that, I think oftentimes we will be pleasantly surprised by how much people do want to show up for us. And if we can allow ourselves to, to let that happen and to take it all in, it can be quite eye opening and maybe vulnerable, but ultimately beautifully reinforcing of how much we are loved and cared for and supported by the people in our lives. And it might go some of the way in dismantling those stories that we have around people not wanting to do that for us. I think whether it's this or any number of other things in our relationships, it's amazing how we're so convinced that our story is the truth, whether that's people don't care about me, people don't show up for me, but we actually never run the experiment because we don't want to expose ourselves to the vulnerability or the possibility of that being true.
[00:12:45]:
And so we deprive others of the opportunity to show up for us. We deprive others of the opportunity to meet our needs or whatever it might be, because we've already convinced ourselves that they won't or they can't. And so it feels less vulnerable to just shut ourselves off rather than open ourselves to that possibility and be pleasantly surprised. So that was 5 signs that you struggle with receiving. I'll quickly recap those. The first was you consistently wind up in these imbalanced or asymmetrical relationships that feel like you're the one always giving and they're the one always taking, and it's never about you. 2nd was you rarely, if ever, directly ask for support or ask for what you need, you only reluctantly accept it if someone else initiates it. And even then you probably push back a bit.
[00:13:37]:
The third was you feel really guilty and like a burden. If someone goes out of their way to support or accommodate you, even in circumstances where you wouldn't think twice about doing that for them. The 4th was you're quick to deflect or downplay or minimize compliments or other kind words that people offer to you. And the 5th one was you feel really uncomfortable being the center of attention or being, you know, celebrated in some way. So if you relate to some or all of those, as I suspect many of you will, I certainly do. The I suppose the work for you is to reflect on where that comes from to notice what is this discomfort really about? I mentioned a few possible sources and you may relate to a number of these, that unworthiness, that feeling of being undeserving, the vulnerability of receiving, worrying that someone's going to resent you or that they're going to be upset at having to accommodate you feeling like a burden and feeling like you have to be easy or low maintenance in order to be lovable. All of these things, which we might not necessarily associate with receiving. As I said in the introduction, it's not something that we talk about all that much or many of us kind of really conscious of.
[00:14:54]:
But I think a lot of those underlying themes and wounds or patterns in our relationships can really show up here and affect the overall climate or environment of our relationships. And I think that when we do wind up in these patterns of where we're struggling to receive and our relationships reflect that imbalance. Invariably, we end up harboring some resentment and feeling uncared for and neglected. And as I said, it's easy to blame the other person when maybe there's a little bit more ball in our court, so to speak. There's a little bit more that we could be doing to recalibrate that imbalance rather than just blaming the other person and feeling sorry for ourselves or feeling abandoned or neglected or whatever it might be. So, there's lots to do there. I mean, there are lots of ways that you can practice receiving and it will be a practice, Or If someone says, what do you feel like for dinner? Rather than saying, I don't mind whatever you want, you might say, I feel like this and asking them to cook you something that maybe isn't the easiest or the simplest option and not feeling guilty about that. Or just noticing if you feel guilty, but not quickly walking back from the edge there.
[00:16:16]:
Just actually allowing yourself to linger in the discomfort of the edge of your comfort zone, because that is really where the growth happens when we can let ourselves sit there and go, oh, okay, the whole world didn't come crumbling down. My relationship didn't end. They didn't reject me. They didn't roll their eyes and tell me that I was a pain in the ass or whatever doomsday catastrophic scenario that we are consciously or subconsciously fearing will come to pass as a result of taking up a bit more space. I think it's always good to run those little experiments. And as I said, be pleasantly surprised by what we might find. I really hope that you've found something of interest in today's episode that it's been helpful for you. And as always, I'm so grateful for your support. And I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks guys.
[00:17:11]
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment, relationships, receiving in relationships, relationship imbalance, giving and receiving, relationship coach, insecurity in relationships, healthy relationships, thriving relationships, vulnerability in relationships, accommodating others, feeling neglected, overgiving, reciprocity in relationships, asking for support, feeling guilty in relationships, deservingness, receiving love, feeling like a burden, relationship dynamics, seeking validation, emotional support, relationship patterns, self-worth, feeling unworthy, deflecting compliments, being the center of attention, celebrating oneself, feeling undeserving, relationship growth.