#169: Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It & How to Break Free
In today's episode, we’re diving deep into self-sabotage—those frustrating patterns where we seem to work against our own best interests. Whether it’s procrastination, pushing people away, or avoiding opportunities, self-sabotage can feel like an endless cycle.
In today's episode, we’re diving deep into self-sabotage—those frustrating patterns where we seem to work against our own best interests. Whether it’s procrastination, pushing people away, or avoiding opportunities, self-sabotage can feel like an endless cycle.
We cover:
What self-sabotage really is: Understanding how it’s often a misguided attempt to keep us safe.
Why we get stuck: Exploring the fears, limiting beliefs, and unmet needs that fuel sabotaging behaviour.
How to shift these patterns: Where to focus your attention to break the cycle and create new, supportive habits.
Understanding Self-Sabotage and How to Break Free
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a pattern of behaviour where we consciously or unconsciously get in our own way, preventing ourselves from achieving the goals and desires that we hold dear. It's that frustrating cycle of setting a goal—whether it's related to relationships, work, or personal well-being—and then engaging in behaviours that thwart our progress. Understanding why we do this and how to break free from these patterns is crucial for moving towards the life and relationships we truly desire.
Why We Self-Sabotage
The primary reason behind self-sabotage is often rooted in a lack of safety. Despite consciously wanting something, parts of our subconscious or nervous system may not feel safe taking steps towards or having the very thing we desire. For instance, one might yearn for a healthy relationship but have deep-seated fears about intimacy or vulnerability. This internal conflict leads to behaviours that, on the surface, appear self-destructive but are actually attempts at self-protection.
The Role of Shame and Self-Blame
Experiencing these patterns repeatedly often brings about feelings of shame and a sense of brokenness. When self-sabotaging behaviours arise, it's easy to fall into the trap of shaming and blaming oneself: "Why am I like this?", "There must be something wrong with me." However, this mindset is incredibly destructive. Shame halts growth and creates a cycle where we berate ourselves without learning or understanding the deeper drivers of our actions. To truly break free, it is vital to approach ourselves with curiosity and compassion.
Reframing Self-Sabotage
Instead of seeing self-sabotage as a flaw, it can be more productive to view it as a signal that some part of us feels unsafe about achieving our goals. This reframe allows us to address the root cause more effectively. Ask yourself: What need is my self-sabotaging behaviour meeting? What am I protecting myself from? Often, feelings of unworthiness, fear of failure, or fear of rejection lie at the heart of these behaviours. By understanding this, we can start to provide ourselves with the reassurance and comfort needed to feel safe enough to pursue our goals.
Self-Sabotage in Relationships: An Attachment Styles Perspective
Self-sabotage can manifest differently depending on one's attachment style, particularly in the context of relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Those with anxious attachment often sabotage themselves through hyper-activating strategies. This might mean escalating attempts to gain reassurance from a partner, such as incessantly calling or texting. While these actions are driven by a deep desire for closeness, they can often push partners away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection and abandonment.
Avoidant Attachment: For individuals with avoidant attachment, self-sabotage tends to take the form of deactivating strategies. These might include distancing themselves from partners, hyper-focusing on perceived flaws to justify pulling away, or avoiding intimacy altogether. Such behaviours arise from a deep-seated discomfort with closeness and vulnerability.
Disorganised Attachment: Those with disorganised or fearful-avoidant attachment often experience the most internal conflict, as they simultaneously crave and fear intimacy. This can result in a push-pull dynamic—drawn to closeness one moment, repelled by it the next. Impulsivity and emotional outbursts can also be common, leading to ruptured relationships and a cycle of shame and self-blame.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from self-sabotage involves creating a sense of safety within ourselves. This requires identifying what makes us feel unsafe about achieving our goals and addressing those underlying fears. Here are some steps to start this process:
Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on your self-sabotaging behaviours. What drives them? What are they protecting you from? Understanding the root cause is the first step towards change.
Compassionate Inquiry: Approach your behaviours with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment. Recognise that these actions are attempts at self-protection, no matter how misguided they might appear.
Safety and Reassurance: Work on creating a sense of internal safety. This might involve self-soothing techniques, building self-trust, or seeking supportive relationships that reinforce your worth and capability.
Gradual Steps: Rather than making drastic changes, take gradual steps towards your goals. This can help ease the sense of overwhelm and build confidence over time.
A Path to Growth
Understanding and reframing self-sabotage provides a pathway to personal growth and fulfilling relationships. By recognising that these patterns are tied to deep-seated fears and a lack of safety, we can approach them with the compassion and curiosity needed to foster meaningful change. Remember, self-sabotage is not a sign of brokenness but a signal for what needs healing within us. Addressing these needs can unlock the potential to move towards the life we truly desire.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Have you identified any specific areas in your life where you consistently engage in self-sabotage? What might those patterns reveal about your underlying fears or insecurities?
Reflect on a time when you set a meaningful goal but struggled to take steps towards it. What subconscious beliefs or protective mechanisms do you think were at play?
How does self-sabotage manifest differently for you in the context of relationships versus other areas like work or health? Can you draw any connections between these patterns?
In moments of self-sabotage, what types of self-talk or internal dialogue do you notice? How do these conversations impact your sense of self-worth and motivation?
Considering Stephanie’s point about reactivity and emotional outbursts, can you recall an instance where an impulsive reaction led to regret? What might that situation teach you about your triggers and vulnerabilities?
When you think about your attachment style, how do you see it influencing your behaviours in relationships? Are there specific self-sabotaging actions you recognise as tied to your attachment tendencies?
What steps could you take to create a greater sense of internal safety to pursue the things you desire? Are there practices or strategies that might help reassure your protective parts?
Can you identify any recent examples where fear of failure, rejection, or vulnerability might have played a role in self-sabotage? How does acknowledging these fears shift your perspective on those actions?
Given Stephanie's experience with overcoming self-sabotage, how can you leverage support from others (friends, coaches, mentors) to break free from these patterns? What specific support would you find most beneficial?
Reflect on Stephanie's statement that “shame is not the fertile soil that we need to nurture our growth.” How can you approach self-sabotaging behaviours with more curiosity and compassion rather than blame? What difference might this make in your journey of personal growth?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about self sabotage. So what it is, why we do it, and most importantly, how we can shift those patterns so that we can move ourselves more towards the lives, the relationships that we truly desire. So self sabotage is one of those areas where I think most of us would be able to raise our hands and acknowledge that there have been times in our lives where we've said we want something, and we've really meant that. It might be our deepest desire to build a healthy relationship, to, you know, only go for people who we know are good for us, or maybe it's something totally separate from relationships.
[00:01:16]:
Maybe it's work related, or even health or fitness goals. We've all got something like that where we've really wanted something, and yet for some reason, we've really struggled to take the steps needed to move ourselves closer to that thing that we say we want. And I think that when we go through particularly repeated cycles of setting a goal or setting an intention or just knowing deep down that we really yearn for something, and then not only struggling to take steps towards it, but maybe engaging in behaviors that are directly in opposition to that thing, to then look at ourselves and say, why do I always do this? Why do I always self sabotage? And oftentimes that can come with a good dose of shame and a sense of brokenness. There must be something wrong with me. Why does this feel so hard? And of course, when we are responding to ourselves with that kind of mindset and attitude of frustration and shaming and blaming, it tends to stop there. We tend not to learn much from that. We tend not to be able to distill any meaningful lesson from that. We just collapse in that shame, and then we'll almost certainly find ourselves in that same pattern and cycle again.
[00:02:29]:
And so understanding self sabotage, and that's really what we're going to be talking about today, what is this really about, and why is it such a challenge for so many of us, particularly when it feels obvious the steps we need to take to achieve what we need to achieve, or to let go of certain dysfunctional or destructive behaviors? Why does it feel so very challenging? And understanding what the underlying drivers of those behaviors might be allows us to address the root cause of that self sabotage rather than just feeling like we are broken and resigning ourselves to a lifetime of, you know, unhealthy, dysfunctional, negative cycles in our self talk, in the choices that we make, in what we accept as our lot in life, in terms of what is available to us. So there is huge reward to be gained from understanding and ultimately breaking these cycles of self sabotage, and I want to really assure you that it is possible to do that. I used to be very, very accomplished at self sabotage in all sorts of areas. I used to regularly engage in behaviors that felt at odds with what I wanted, and that always led to a loss of self respect, damage to my self worth, my self esteem. It was a really tough cycle to be in because, of course, the more that you do that, and then the less self respect, self esteem, self worth, self trust you have, the more likely you are to do that in turn the next time. So I am sharing what I'm sharing today from a position of very much knowing what it's like if you are in that place of finding yourself stuck in these cycles, and it is a message of hope because it is absolutely possible to make those changes in the direction of the life that you want. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and I will be sharing specifically in the context of attachment styles and dynamics, what you might experience or see from different attachment styles in terms of the likely expressions of self sabotage in a relational context based on attachment style, and that will hopefully steer you in the direction of knowing what you would need to address in order to shift those patterns as well. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements.
[00:04:45]:
I am very excited to share that Healing Anxious Attachment is coming back this week in a few days' time. I've actually made a really big decision since the last episode I recorded, so in the past week, and that is that I am going to transition Healing Anxious Attachment to being an evergreen course, which is kind of online course lingo for you can enroll at any time rather than it being a set enrollment with cohorts, typically 3 times a year. So I'm going to have a rolling enrollment for that as of the end of this week when I open enrollment, which means you can join at any time. You will still have access to a community space for the 8 weeks that you are doing it, and you will then have lifetime access to the course materials once that 8 week period has expired. You'll also get invited to 2 live calls with me during the 8 week period that you're doing the course. So without boring you with all the details, I've tried to find a sweet spot whereby you can sign up anytime but still get the live components of being in a community with others who are also doing the course at the same time as you, and also getting interaction with and feedback from me as you work through the materials through that community and the live Q and A calls that you'll be invited to. So I am trialing this, to be honest, as a way to alleviate a bit of the burden of launching, because launching is a very energy intensive thing to do as a business owner, and it comes around really quickly. So I'm trying to free up a bit of bandwidth for myself in not having to go through the launch cycle every few months.
[00:06:17]:
But, as I said, also trying to make the course more available because invariably people discover my work, or the time feels right, and it's out of cycle with when the launch is happening, and so people have to wait a few months and all of those things. So hopefully it's solving all of those problems, and will be now available for you to join anytime. There is still an advantage of jumping on the waitlist this week though, because that will entitle you to early bird discount after this last launch. The price will return to its regular price, so you'll still save a $100 by being on the waitlist, and that is definitely worth doing. So jump on the waitlist if you're keen to join, and I look forward to seeing you there. 2nd quick announcement is my homecoming mastermind. I announced this a couple of weeks ago, but this is the most intimate and advanced way to work with me. It's a 6 month program.
[00:07:09]:
It's like a high level mentorship. It's the only way you get one to one access with me at the moment. So you'll have 1 on 1 voice message access to me for 6 months in addition to small group coaching calls, a really beautiful curriculum over the 6 months, so monthly themes around releasing the past, self worth, embodying ease, getting really clear around what you want to create in your life and relationships. So it's a really beautiful program. And if you have been interested in working directly with me and you're really looking to invest in your growth and development at a more advanced level than, you know, just doing a shorter online course, I would love to see you inside Homecoming. And last but not least, sorry, I said this was gonna be quick announcements, and it's proved to be a little longer than usual. There's just a lot going on at the moment, so thank you for your patience. The third announcement is just a reminder about my retreat in Byron Bay here in Australia, which is happening in May.
[00:08:06]:
We are still offering extended payment plans. It's going to be an absolutely incredible free days and nights. So if you want to really go deep and take advantage of the magic that happens, not only doing in person work, but intensive work in a beautiful environment, I would love to have you join us at the retreat. If you don't know of Byron Bay, it's absolutely incredible. It's kind of where all the celebrities hide out in Australia, and the property that we've booked is called Sun Ranch. I'll leave you to Google that or look up their Instagram. Suffice it to say, it is absolutely exquisite, beautiful property, incredible facilities. So if you're interested, I would absolutely love to have you there.
[00:08:51]:
Okay. With all of that out of the way, let's talk about self sabotage. So as I said in the introduction, I think most of us construe self sabotage as us getting in the way of ourselves. Right? Where we want something, there's something that is really important to us, that we value, that we desire, that we're yearning for, and we become our own worst enemy in the pursuit and the attainment of that thing. And so, we find ourselves really internally conflicted, and there's some part of us that is more powerful than maybe our conscious will or intention that seems to be blocking us from having what we want. And that can feel frustrating and defeating and confusing and demoralizing, and I think without the context for it, can lead a lot of people to just feel broken and feel maybe even pathetic, like, what is wrong with me? Why is this so hard? Why are other people able to go ahead and do those things and achieve and take steps towards and enjoy these aspects of life? And here I am, and I can't even take one step towards it. I can't follow through on the simplest of commitments to myself. Why is that so hard for me? And it really that kind of not only the behavior, but all of the self talk and the judgments that go along with it are incredibly destructive to our sense of self, our self respect, our self worth.
[00:10:19]:
As I said in the introduction, this is a pattern that I know very well. And so in understanding self sabotage, I suppose what I really want to emphasize at the outset is that when we are viewing it as that, as there's something wrong with me, and, you know, to put it bluntly, I always fuck things up for myself. I'm always getting in my own way. There's not much for us to do with that other than punish ourselves and beat ourselves up. And as I've said a 1000000 times before, as I will always say, nothing grows there. Shame is not the fertile soil that we need to nurture our growth and our evolution. So being able to reframe it as something that makes sense rather than something that doesn't make sense or is just wrong or frustrating or broken, is absolutely essential. And so here is the reframe on self sabotage that I really want to emphasize and for you to understand.
[00:11:11]:
Self sabotage happens when a part of us, or maybe many parts of us, multiple parts of us, do not feel safe taking steps towards or having the things that we say we want. Okay? So that might be getting healthy and taking our fitness seriously, or it might be intimacy with someone else. It might be taking a risk in our job. It might be starting a business. All of these things that on paper or in theory were like, yes, that, I want that. Maybe even something as simple as resting and having more pleasure and ease in our lives. Maybe you're someone who says you want that and you look at people who are relaxed and easy going and you go, Ugh, I want that. And yet, the second you have free time, you fill it with busy things and you can't actually sit still, or you end up just doing work the whole time and going back to your emails or whatever, right? So there are so many instances where the thing we say we want doesn't actually feel safe to some other part of us.
[00:12:19]:
Some part of our subconscious, our nervous system, our body does not feel safe having the thing that we say we want, And sometimes it'll be we don't feel safe having it, and other times it'll be we don't feel safe taking the steps towards it that we would need to take in order to have it. And once we see it through that lens, we start to be able to understand, okay, there are powerful protective forces at play here, and those parts of me these protective parts are really fiercely trying to keep me safe. And so the question then becomes, what is it about having this thing that feels unsafe to my system, and what would those parts need in order to feel safe enough to take those steps or to have that thing? What reassurance, what comfort, what sense of trust would I need to establish within myself and for myself in order for that to feel more comfortable? Okay? You see how when we approach ourselves from this lens of curiosity and the starting assumption that we do make sense rather than that there's something wrong with us and we don't make sense, that the next step reveals itself, and we can ask that follow-up question of, Okay, what would I need in order to feel safe to have this thing? What need is my so called sabotaging behaviour meeting? Is another really revealing question. So you might look at something that is less protective, so to speak, and more destructive. So for example, maybe you went out and got blind drunk and were out until 4 AM the morning before a really important job interview for a job that you really wanted, and then you bomb out in the interview, and then you shame and blame yourself for that. It might be hard for you to look at that and go, oh, there's a part of me that's protecting me from something. But I'm sure if we were to dig into it, maybe some part of you didn't feel worthy of having the job or thinks that you'll just mess it up anyway. And by doing that, then you have a reason that you didn't get it.
[00:14:14]:
Maybe it feels so vulnerable and there's a fear of rejection or a fear of failure. And so going out and doing that thing allows you to be less vulnerable because you've got less at stake. It's almost like, well, I was never going to get it anyway, so who cares? This thing of feigning indifference is another way that we can protect ourselves from the vulnerability or the fear of failure. You see that in relationships all the time, people who pretend not to care or really convince themselves that they don't care about relationships, they're not invested, and they don't allow themselves to be, because if they're not invested and they don't really care anyway about the outcome, then they can't get hurt. So there is always if we just peel back the layers, there's always some kernel of self protection involved in these behaviors that we deem self sabotaging or self destructive. And it's only when we can get to those that we can actually start to solve for whatever the core need is there, whatever the fear is, whatever the vulnerability is, that is so powerfully prompting our system to say, That thing does not feel safe. And so we're going to engage in whatever behaviors we need to. We will reach for whatever strategies we need to reach for to prevent that from happening.
[00:15:32]:
Now, as I said, I want to frame this a little in terms of each of the attachment styles. I know the examples I've just given are not specific to relationships, and that is intentional because I really want you to understand how far reaching this is. Because the more you can see those tentacles in different areas of your life, the more you can apply this broadly and hopefully allow yourself to bring a little more internal harmony into the system in a way that allows you to take steps towards those things that you really do want. So in terms of relationships, for anxiously attached people, I think self sabotage would usually take the form of hyper activating attachment behaviors. Meaning, when my attachment system is threatened, my sense of safety in relationships is threatened, what do I do? I ramp up. I dial up. I escalate all of my attempts at getting closeness, reassurance, and the safety that those things bring me. But oftentimes, and particularly when it takes the form of really dysregulated anxious behavior, calling someone 20 times in a row and firing off a bunch of text messages, All of these things can, frankly, scare someone away because they can be really intense and overbearing, and you can just feel like a torrent of anxious energy being fired at someone in a way that it's almost like you recoil by instinct.
[00:16:49]:
You want to step back from that kind of energy. And so oftentimes, this self sabotage of someone who is anxiously attached is in the form of all of those protest behaviors, all those activating strategies that are kind of grasping, clutching at someone, trying to get something from them, get closeness, get reassurance, get intimacy, get more, and end up pushing them away, scaring them off. I think that will be a familiar tale to many people, and maybe particularly in the early stages of relationship where we know anxiously attached people can really struggle, is navigating that dating stage where there is uncertainty, and there is kind of a lack of clarity at times. You don't have full access to this person's world, and so you might feel a bit shut out and kept at harm's length while you navigate those early stages before it's really official and clear. I think anxiously attached people really struggle there, and oftentimes their self sabotaging behaviors can kind of fire up there and become the self fulfilling prophecy of pushing someone away. We freak out that someone's pulling away, or they're not into us, and we engage in all of those behaviors that are just like a hamster wheel of anxious energy, and lo and behold, that person loses interest or is a bit put off by the intensity, and that proves the story right. There goes the shame response. There goes the this always happens, there must be something wrong with me, and that leads us to be more certain next time that the same thing's going to happen, which then triggers these same behaviors.
[00:18:22]:
Right? So that's usually the flavor of self sabotage that you're going to see and experience amongst people with anxious attachment. For more avoidant people, the self sabotage looks more like no surprises the deactivating strategies, and the pushing someone away, and even, like, getting the by someone and hyperfixating on perceived flaws or things that are unattractive about them, that then lead you to want to walk away from the relationship. And so if we're talking about in this framework of something about having the thing that you say you want doesn't feel safe, for the avoidant person, they may really want the relationship, but something about that doesn't feel safe, and so their sabotaging parts are going to come out guns blazing with all of the reasons why the relationship's not actually a good idea. Their partner, not a good fit. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe we should just take things slow. Like, all of these things, or anything up to just disappearing, ghosting, going AWOL, all of these are different expressions of that same pattern of something about the thing I say I want doesn't feel safe, and so I am going to create these blocks between me and that thing, or I'm going to veer off course altogether so that I don't have to experience the unsafety, the discomfort, the unfamiliarity of being in that uncharted territory that doesn't feel good to me, that I can't really trust in the safety of. For people with more disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment, I think you could probably say that self sabotage is maybe, in its traditional sense, most common amongst people with fearful avoidant attachment because they have the internal conflict of wanting diametrically opposed things.
[00:20:12]:
And so because of that, they feel so much internal push pull and they are constantly in conflict there. And they will want one thing, but then pull themselves in another direction in such an obvious way that I think most people with disorganized attachment would put their hands up and say that they were masterful at self sabotage and probably shame themselves a lot for it. So I think some common expressions of self sabotage for fearful avoidants, apart from the obvious being that push pull and hot cold, would be a lack of impulse control. So that's noted as being a feature, oftentimes, of fearful avoidant attachment, that they struggle with impulse control and can be quite impulsive. And obviously, being impulsive and lacking impulse control can often take the form of doing things that are not well thought out and that are maybe not in integrity or in alignment with your values or what you truly want. So just doing the thing that feels easy or, pleasurable or whatever in the moment that has really negative consequences for your life. So a lack of impulse control. And another key area that comes to mind for fearful avoidant attachment in terms of self sabotage might be big emotional outbursts, reactivity, big ruptures, and then maybe experiencing shame afterwards, and so not really going to repair that, just riding the relationship off, burning the bridge, and this can be, you know, friendships, colleagues, the whole bit.
[00:21:42]:
It's just, well, that's done now, and I don't want to go near it. And that can be another form of self sabotage as well. So the reason that I share all of this, and what I'm really hoping that you're starting to understand and hearing it, is that safety is at the heart of most everything. And to the extent that we are experiencing these internal conflicts between the thing that we want and the thing that we keep doing that is taking us further away from the thing we want, that's a really good clue. That is almost a sure sign that some part of you does not feel safe having the thing that you want, and your job is to figure out what it is there. What need is the sabotaging behavior, the destructive behavior meeting? What is it protecting me from? What am I afraid would happen if I were to step towards the thing I want? What risk is there that I may be protecting myself from? Is it a fear of failure or a fear of rejection, a fear of not being good enough? All of these really common ones that can feel so visceral. Right? And these are survival things, like the systems that govern our self sabotaging behaviors. It's really our nervous system fighting tooth and nail to keep us in familiar territory, keep us in what we know.
[00:22:59]:
Because even if what we know is not what we want, there is a certain safety in that, and our system is not really interested in self actualization. It is interested in survival. And so you will almost always experience a level of friction as you try to make changes, as you try to live a bigger life, a life that is more expansive, more vulnerable, which inevitably means more risky. Right? There is not very much risk involved in staying in the cozy confines of our comfort zone, but of course there's not as much reward there either. So it's really about reframing the way that we relate to that and understanding that that discomfort is not necessarily something we need to pull back from, but rather something that we need to address within ourselves and keep coming back to this question of what do I need in order to create enough safety for myself to be with the discomfort of this transition or this change? And that is really what allows us to unlock the possibility of making these bigger changes in our lives towards what feels really deeply aligned and rewarding and abundant. And as I said, having been through all of this and come out the other side, I can really safely say that it is indeed possible. So I hope that that's been helpful in reframing self sabotage for you and given you something to think about. As I said at the start, there are a few different ways that you can work with me coming up if that is something that you identify within yourself and you would like some support in unraveling and and overcoming.
[00:24:39]:
It can certainly be helpful to have someone to point out your blind spots as you do that work. Because of course, the old way has been in place for a very long time, and sometimes we need a little bit of hand holding and a little bit of a nudge as we move towards implementing the new way. So I'm going to leave it there because this is getting long, but as I said, I hope it's been helpful for you. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. It really does help so much. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:25:13]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self sabotage, attachment styles, relationships, anxious attachment, avoidance attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, emotional outbursts, relationship coaching, intimacy, vulnerability, self worth, self respect, self esteem, nervous system, survival, fear of failure, fear of rejection, comfort zone, change, subconscious, protective behaviors, destructive behaviors, unhealthy cycles, self trust, attachment dynamics, dating, self improvement, personal growth, emotional safety, coping mechanisms, relationship advice
#168: How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
In this episode of On Attachment, we’re diving into how to support an avoidant partner in opening up emotionally. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by your partner’s emotional distance or found yourself unsure how to help them feel safe in the relationship, this episode is for you.
In this episode of On Attachment, we’re diving into how to support an avoidant partner in opening up emotionally. If you’ve ever felt frustrated by your partner’s emotional distance or found yourself unsure how to help them feel safe in the relationship, this episode is for you.
How to Support an Avoidant Partner to Open Up
Navigating relationships with an avoidant partner can be challenging, especially if you’re someone who craves deep connection and intimacy. Avoidant attachment patterns often stem from a need to protect oneself from vulnerability, making it difficult for partners to feel close. However, with the right approach, it’s possible to create a safe space that encourages your avoidant partner to open up naturally. Here are three key strategies to support them while also honouring your own needs.
1. Build Your Own Inner Security
A foundational step in supporting an avoidant partner is to cultivate a strong sense of self-confidence, self-worth, and independence. Avoidant partners highly value autonomy and often feel overwhelmed or smothered when they sense their partner relying on them too heavily.
For those with anxious attachment, it’s common to focus intensely on the relationship, placing disproportionate weight on the partner for emotional fulfilment. This can inadvertently create a dynamic where the avoidant partner feels pressured or even engulfed. Shifting this pattern requires diversifying your emotional and social energy—investing in friendships, hobbies, and self-care practices that help you feel grounded and fulfilled outside the relationship.
By showing your avoidant partner that you are secure and self-sufficient, you help alleviate their fears of being consumed by the relationship. This creates space for them to take steps toward you, building trust and closeness at a pace that feels safe for both of you.
2. Lead with Curiosity, Not Control
It’s tempting to assume the role of “coach” or “therapist” in your relationship, particularly if you’ve done extensive personal development work. While this often comes from a place of genuine care, unsolicited advice or attempts to “fix” your partner can come across as patronising or controlling. Avoidant individuals are particularly sensitive to these dynamics and may retreat further in response.
Instead, aim to approach your partner with genuine curiosity and empathy. Resist the urge to impose your perspective or push them to engage with resources (books, podcasts, etc.) they’re not interested in. When you let go of the agenda to change them, you create a non-judgmental space where they feel respected and understood. This shift in approach can significantly reduce defensiveness and foster a more open dialogue.
3. Be a Safe Landing Place for Vulnerability
When an avoidant partner does share something vulnerable, how you respond matters deeply. A critical or overly emotional reaction can reinforce their fear that opening up is unsafe. It’s essential to handle their disclosures with care, even if what they share is difficult to hear.
Strive to remain grounded and supportive in these moments. For example, if your partner shares something challenging, you might say, “That’s hard for me to hear, but I really appreciate you being honest with me.” This response acknowledges your feelings while affirming the value of their vulnerability.
Equally important is avoiding the use of their disclosures against them later. If your partner shares an intimate fear or struggle, weaponising it in future disagreements undermines trust and reinforces their protective instincts. Consistently showing that you can be trusted with their feelings is key to building deeper intimacy.
Why This Matters
Supporting an avoidant partner isn’t about taking responsibility for their healing or sacrificing your own needs. It’s about recognising what’s within your control and making choices that promote connection rather than conflict. By focusing on your own growth, leading with empathy, and respecting their boundaries, you foster an environment where vulnerability and intimacy can naturally thrive.
Relationships with avoidant partners can test your patience and resilience, but they also offer opportunities for profound personal growth. By shifting the focus inward and cultivating healthier dynamics, you not only support your partner but also create a relationship that feels more balanced, secure, and fulfilling for both of you.
If you’re looking to dive deeper into this work, consider exploring resources that help you build self-worth and understand attachment dynamics — like my signature course, Healing Anxious Attachment. With intentional effort and mutual respect, meaningful connection is possible—even with the challenges avoidant attachment may present.
Creating a safe and loving space for your partner starts with creating one for yourself. As you strengthen your relationship with yourself, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the complexities of your relationship, supporting your partner in a way that honours both of your needs.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your own attachment style. Do you identify more with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or a different style altogether? How has this influenced your relationship dynamics?
How do you currently handle situations where your partner withdraws or becomes distant? What emotions arise for you in these moments?
Do you sometimes find yourself trying to "fix" your avoidant partner? What are some alternative ways you can approach these situations that might foster more trust and intimacy?
In what ways do you rely on your partner to meet your emotional needs? What other sources of support or activities could you incorporate into your life to balance this reliance?
How do you react when your partner opens up and shares something vulnerable with you? Reflect on a recent instance and consider how you might want to handle it differently in the future.
When you think about building your own self-esteem and self-worth, what specific actions or practices come to mind? How can you integrate these into your daily routine?
Recall a moment when you felt judged or controlled by someone else. How did that experience affect your willingness to open up to them? How might this relate to your avoidant partner's behaviour?
Do you have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice to your partner? How do you think this impacts your relationship? Explore ways to shift this dynamic.
Reflect on any boundaries you've set within your relationship. How do these boundaries support both your needs and your partner’s needs?
Consider a time when you've been angry or upset by something your partner shared with you. How did you express those feelings, and what was the outcome? What strategies can you use to ensure your reactions encourage rather than hinder future vulnerability?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So this is one that I get asked a lot. It's obviously something that weighs heavily on the minds and hearts of people in relationship with avoidant attached folk, who are often anxiously attached, as we know. And wanting to build that deeper connection, wanting to feel a greater sense of intimacy in the relationship. But I think what often happens is the ways that we go about doing that, particularly if you are more anxious, can actually have the opposite effect, and you can find that the more you push to try and get close to your avoidant partner, the more they pull away or, you know, rebuff your attempts at creating more depth and intimacy in the relationship. So in today's episode, I'm going to be giving you a few tips as to how you might go about building greater intimacy, creating more safety so that your avoidant partner can open, and building a more connected relationship in the process. And all of that is without being manipulative or trying to pry them open because, as a bit of a spoiler alert, that's probably what you've done by default in the past, and it tends not to work very well.
[00:01:49]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, I wanted to share a couple of quick announcements, the first and most important being that Healing Anxious Attachment is reopening for registration in less than 2 weeks' time. So for anyone who's new around here, Healing Anxious Attachment is my signature 8 week program. I've been running it for about two and a half years now, and this will be the 9th cohort. We've had well over 2,000 students in the program, and it is very near and dear to my heart. So if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment and you are wanting to make a change in a supportive community, and with a very much tried and tested framework, I would love to have you in the program. If you jump on the wait list via the link in the show notes, or head straight to my website, stephanierigg.com. You'll be able to add your name to the wait list, which guarantees you a spot in the program along with early bird pricing, so you'll save a $100.
[00:02:46]:
So would of course love to see as many of you in there as possible. As I said, registration opening in less than 2 weeks, and we'll be kicking off in the new year. 2nd quick announcement is just to say that my Black Friday sale is still available, so I've got some really generous discounts on my self paced programs and master classes on my website. I'll leave that up for another couple days, so if anyone missed out in amongst all of the other Black Friday onslaught, you've still got an opportunity to sneak in and take advantage of those discounts, which are up to 75% off. So a really great deal for anyone who's interested. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and how to support an avoidant partner to open up. So as I alluded to in the introduction, and something that I've touched on before in the podcast is being really mindful when we are in relationship with someone with avoidant patterns.
[00:03:41]:
And actually, in any kind of relationship, including the one we have with ourselves, is that our protective patterns, our defense mechanisms, of which distance is, of course, one for avoiding people, those protective patterns are there for a reason, and there is wisdom there, and they have developed in response to a very real fear or other emotional experience. And so when we are in partnership with someone and we observe that they have certain protective patterns or mechanisms, we don't want to go blasting through those or developing a manipulative scheme to sneak around them. We really wanna honor that those defense mechanisms are protecting something very real and very tender much of the time. And of course, the more threatened someone feels, the more vehemently their protective parts are going to step to their defense and are going to keep those more vulnerable parts locked away and very fiercely defended and protected. So at the outset, I just want to emphasize that if you are thinking, how can I get my avoidant partner to open up? The question that I want you to reframe that to is, how can I contribute to their experience of safety such that opening up happens organically as a natural consequence of them feeling more safe in the relationship? So not how can I get them to open up, but how can I support them to feel safe enough to do so of their own accord? And I would say that opening, or put differently, an increase in vulnerability and maybe a softening of one's defenses is really a natural consequence of feeling more safe. So that, of course, begs the question of what causes an avoidant partner to feel unsafe in a relationship, and how might we shift that to the extent that our behavior is contributing to their experience of unsafety. I also wanna name that some people might be saying, you know, why is it my responsibility to create safety for them when they do all of these things that undermine my sense of safety in the relationship or my sense of security in the relationship? Why is it my responsibility to caretake them? To which I'd say, it's not. No one's forcing you to do that, and you absolutely don't have to.
[00:06:12]:
But as always, my work seeks to steer people towards an awareness of what is within their control, and what they can take responsibility for, what they can exert agency over. And so, if you are desiring more intimacy with your partner, and you are wanting to feel more close to them, what I'm going to be sharing is with a view to supporting you to do that in a way that is, you know, respectful of your partner and also honoring of yourself. Okay. So to that end, the first tip that I wanna give you in supporting an avoidant partner to feel safe enough to open up is that you should focus on yourself and cultivating more inner security, more of a sense of self confidence, and a healthy level of independence and self sufficiency. And of course, I'll say that you should do that work for you first and foremost, but it will often have a very welcome side effect or by product in that your avoidant partner will feel safer to take steps towards you and take steps towards connection when they don't feel like you are smothering them or hovering over them or clinging to them like they are a life raft, like they are the only thing in your life, and if they don't do what you need them to do, then you spiral into an anxious panic, and you get very triggered and very activated and escalate in all of your anxious behaviors. So of course, knowing what we know about avoidant attachment and knowing that they very much value their own independence and their autonomy, their sense of self, they similarly really value when other people possess those qualities, and we can acknowledge that avoidant folks can take that to extremes in terms of hyper independence rather than a healthy level of independence. But equally, we can acknowledge that anxiously attached people tend to really struggle, and if anything, tend more towards codependent patterns where they don't really have any demarcated sense of self independent of their relationship. That tends to be very much at the core of their identity, is their role as someone's partner, and so much of their mental energy goes to the relationship.
[00:08:34]:
So when that's the baseline, it's really easy for someone who sits at the other end of the spectrum, valuing independence, valuing autonomy, to feel threatened by their partner's overdependence on them and the relationship. That can very quickly feel overwhelming, smothering, threatening, unsafe. And against that backdrop, it's little wonder that avoidant partners don't feel safe to open up, to be vulnerable, to depend on a partner, to express needs, anything like that, because that is essentially tantamount to going even closer, and that is not something that they're likely to initiate when maybe they already feel like things are too close for comfort. Now, what happens when an anxious partner starts to build up their sense of self and they become someone who has healthy self esteem, healthy self worth, they diversify their energy across other areas of their life so that they're not just hovering around their partner all the time, Their avoidant partner is likely to feel less under pressure to be everything to them, and so that creates space for them to take more initiative and build more connection from a place of knowing that their boundaries are not going to be crossed, they're not going to become enmeshed or totally engulfed by the relationship, by their partner, because they see that their partner has other stuff going on, and they don't get this same kind of needy, desperate, clingy energy from their partner, which naturally builds their sense of trust in the safety of that closeness. It's like the closeness becomes something that they can flow with rather than this scary torrent or tsunami that's going to swallow them whole, and they're going to be defenseless against it. So the more that you, as an anxiously attached person, can build up your self confidence, be more comfortable getting your needs met elsewhere alongside your relationship, rather than expecting your partner to be everything to you. Spending more time with other people, other friends, colleagues, having your own interests and hobbies, all of that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner, and they're going to see you in a more positive light, but also trust in the intimacy and the relationship more. And of course, I've got bucketloads of other episodes that give more detail on how you can go about doing that as an anxiously attached person, and certainly my healing anxious attachment course goes into all of those things in a lot of detail.
[00:11:12]:
So that's number 1. Focus on you, building yourself up so that you are not approaching your avoidant partner from a survival driven place of desperation, from a sense that you have this internal deficit that you need them to fill. You need to fill that yourself so that you can come to the relationship on a more level footing, and that is going to feel really, really good for your avoidant partner and for you. As I said, the impacts on your relationship and on your partner are a bonus. You must do that work for yourself because that is your healing work as an anxiously attached person. Okay. The second one is to approach your avoidant partner with genuine curiosity and resist the urge to exhibit any sort of righteous, judgmental, holier than thou, I know better than you, I know what you need kind of behaviors and attitudes, which will inevitably, 10 times out of 10, elicit defensiveness in your avoidant partner and an unwillingness to open to you. If you become their self appointed coach and therapist, that is not going to be a dynamic that they are going to like.
[00:12:27]:
They are likely to have a lot of resistance to that, and they are likely to push you away rather than, you know, see that as some amazing thing and want to pull you closer. So again, I think anxiously attached people can easily fall into this trap. I know it's an easy place for me to go and it's something I have to really watch in myself. When you are someone who's really emotionally attuned to others and couple that with maybe you've done a lot of personal development work and you've done a lot of reading, listening to podcasts, books, all of that. So you feel like you're very literate in the world of whether it's attachment or other things to do with psychology, understanding people. And you might feel like you've really got a leg up on your partner in that respect because oftentimes more avoidant people are not so interested in all of that stuff, not so proactive about wanting to understand their inner world. And I think from that place, that disparity, it's easy to assume that we know our partners in a world better than they do, we know and understand their fears better than they do, and that we know and understand what they need more than they do, and that if they would just listen to us, then that would solve everything and we could coach them out of the things that they fear and struggle with. Now, I say this with so much love, and as I said, I say this as someone who can very easily fall into that.
[00:13:54]:
I think there's a real arrogance to that, and even though it is almost always well intentioned and we really do think that we see things that they don't, and we may, right? I don't want to discount the possibility of that being true. But when someone hasn't asked for your advice, they haven't asked for your guidance or input, just offering that in an unsolicited way, and particularly when it is in the nature of I can see all the ways in which you are broken and I know how to fix you, it's not as loving as we think it is. Right? And I think this is an area where anxiously attached people need to understand the concept of respecting other people's boundaries. And we talk so much about boundaries in terms of our own boundaries and how people treat us, but I think an often overlooked aspect of that is how much we insert ourselves into other people's stuff without them asking us to, and that, you know, going back to what we talked about around avoidant people not wanting to feel smothered, controlled, and not wanting to feel this sense of engulfment, you can see how that would feel very intrusive and invasive, and again that is going to lead them to close rather than open. So dropping any sense of trying to coach them, trying to be their therapist, trying to offer them unsolicited advice, trying to force them to read books or listen to podcasts that they're not interested in consuming, all of that can come across as quite righteous and judgmental, and as if you know them better than they do, and that's a little bit condescending and patronizing oftentimes in terms of how it lands. And again, I recognize that that's not the intention, but I do think we have to examine how that might look and feel from the receiver's point of view. So try and really drop the agenda in terms of getting them to change or getting them to see things from your point of view. You can certainly share resources and stuff with them, but I would do so without being attached to the outcome, without being attached to them needing to find the same light bulb moments in that material as you do.
[00:16:15]:
And certainly, it shouldn't be something that you're nagging them about repeatedly, and if they have resistance, that you're judging them for the resistance. Not everyone's journey and growth looks the same, and as I said, if your goal and the thing that you're really desiring is more connection and more intimacy, more vulnerability, making someone feel controlled and judged and approved of is not going to be your ticket there. So try as much as you possibly can to drop the agenda, and really lead with curiosity and trust that they know what they need more than you do. Okay. And the 3rd and final tip that I want to give you is if and when your avoidant partner does open up or does exhibit some vulnerability, please don't make them regret that. So do not use it against them. Do not respond in a way that then feels really unsafe. So for example, if they share something honestly with you, don't then get really upset or angry with them for what they share.
[00:17:21]:
That is going to send the message of, see, this is exactly why I don't tell you things because you get mad at me or because you punish me. Right? And that can be challenging because sometimes the truth is hard to hear, and we really have to do our best to hold a sense of security and groundedness within ourselves. This doesn't mean you have to be unaffected or pretend to be unaffected. You can share, you know, oh, that's kind of hard for me to hear, but it's really important to me that you're able to share honestly. Right? So there is a middle ground there. You don't just have to bottle it up. But if you have some big emotional response and start crying and saying, How could you say that? When you've asked them to tell you the truth and then they tell you the truth, well, you can be sure that they're not going to do that very readily in the future, because, as I said, you have reinforced their story that being vulnerable, being honest, doesn't lead to good outcomes. And so they're likely to bottle things up or be evasive or be dishonest going forward.
[00:18:29]:
So really try and be a safe person for them to open up to in terms of how you respond to that, and so no judgement, no disapproval, no punishment in terms of how you respond to their vulnerability. Likewise, don't flip it around and use it against them in the future. So if they open up and they say something like, I guess I'm scared of letting people see the real me, and you feel like, wow, that's a real breakthrough because I've never acknowledged something like that before. And then a month later, you're having a different conversation, and they are maybe being more defensive, and they're not acknowledging that they have intimacy blocks, and you say, You acknowledged yourself a month ago that you blah blah blah blah blah, and so you're taking that which they shared vulnerably with you and turning it against them and using it to bolster your own argument and to get what you want. Right? That is not loving. It's not kind. It's manipulative, and it's, again, certainly not going to lead to more vulnerability, more emotional safety, more connection. It will do the opposite.
[00:19:40]:
So make sure that you are a safe person for them to open up to, and that you are handling with care anything that they share with you, because anything else and that's not going to happen again. That's going to prove their story right, that opening up to people is not the right thing to do. It is not a safe thing to do. Okay. So I hope that that's been helpful. Just to recap, those three tips were to focus on building up your own self esteem and self worth so that there is more balance in the relationship and they don't feel like you are so dependent on them and needing connection with them from this really intense survival driven place. That's going to allow them to take steps towards you and towards deeper connection without fearing that they're going to be smothered. The second one was don't appoint yourself as their coach or their therapist.
[00:20:33]:
Don't offer unsolicited advice or feedback. Don't approach them with this agenda of trying to transform them or heal them. It's not a very sexy dynamic, and particularly if they haven't asked for input, that it's going to come across as controlling and manipulative, and it is going to do the opposite to what you are intending. And the third and final one was, if and when they do open up to you, make sure that you are a safe landing place for whatever they share. Definitely don't punish them or get angry at them, get upset at them, or use it against them in some way to bolster your own argument or your point of view. We really have to be responsible and kind and loving and respectful of the things that people share with us when they are sharing vulnerably. So I hope that that was helpful. As I said, if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, definitely jump on that wait list via the link in the show notes or on my website.
[00:21:34]:
I would love to see as many of you as possible in the program. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:44]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecure attachment, avoidant partner, intimacy, emotional safety, vulnerability, anxious attachment, Healing Anxious Attachment, program registration, self-esteem, self-worth, personal growth, protective patterns, defense mechanisms, emotional experience, curiosity, non-judgmental, emotional response, trust, connection, mindfulness, independence, autonomy, self-confidence, relationship dynamics, emotional closeness, communication, vulnerability blocks, supportive community, self-sufficiency