#182: What to Do When Your Partner Doesn't Want to Work on Themselves (or the Relationship)
One of the hardest things to face in a relationship is feeling like you're growing and evolving, while your partner seems simply unwilling to meet you there. Maybe you’ve suggested therapy, brought up recurring issues, or shared books and podcasts you love, only to be met with silence, shutdown, or defensiveness.
One of the hardest things to face in a relationship is feeling like you're growing and evolving, while your partner seems simply unwilling to meet you there. Maybe you’ve suggested therapy, brought up recurring issues, or shared books and podcasts you love, only to be met with silence, shutdown, or defensiveness.
In this episode, we’re exploring what to do when your partner doesn’t seem interested in personal growth or improving the relationship. We’ll talk about why this happens, what it means (and doesn’t mean), and how to navigate it in a way that honours your own needs without defaulting to blame or control.
Whether you're in a long-term partnership or navigating something newer, this conversation will help you feel more grounded and clear in how you show up when things feel one-sided.
In this episode, I cover:
Why some people resist self-work or relationship growth
How attachment styles shape our responses to discomfort and change
The difference between inviting vs. demanding growth
Why your healing doesn’t depend on your partner's participation
What to do when you’ve tried everything and still feel stuck
Highlighted Resources
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Navigating Relationships When Your Partner Isn't Onboard with Self-Improvement
In the realm of relationships, it can be deeply rewarding when both partners are on a journey of self-improvement and growth. However, what happens when one partner is enthusiastic about personal development while the other seems disinterested or resistant? This scenario is not uncommon and can lead to frustration and confusion. Understanding how to navigate such a dynamic is essential for maintaining a harmonious relationship and ensuring both partners feel respected and valued.
Understanding Attachment Styles
The way individuals approach relationships often ties back to their attachment styles, which can significantly influence how partners engage with personal growth and self-improvement. People with anxious attachment styles might find themselves striving for deeper connections and seeking constant reassurance. This can manifest as a strong desire to work on the relationship and fix any perceived issues. On the other hand, those with avoidant attachment styles might value independence and feel threatened by the prospect of delving into emotional development, often perceiving it as an implication that they are inadequate or failing.
Understanding these fundamental differences is crucial in approaching the situation with empathy and patience. Instead of interpreting a partner's resistance as a lack of love or effort, it's beneficial to recognise that their reluctance might stem from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. By acknowledging that both sides have valid perspectives, couples can begin to bridge the gap between differing approaches to self-improvement.
Shifting Focus to Personal Growth
When facing resistance from a partner, it's essential to redirect the focus inward. Concentrating on one's own growth is both empowering and beneficial, regardless of the partner's involvement in self-improvement efforts. For those with anxious attachment tendencies, this inward focus can help build self-awareness and address patterns of over-functioning or controlling behaviours in relationships.
By tending to one's own emotional needs and striving for personal growth, individuals can create a ripple effect within the relationship. As one partner evolves, it can encourage an atmosphere of change, potentially inspiring the other person to embark on their journey of self-discovery. However, it's important to remember that personal growth is rewarding in its own right, independent of whether it sparks change in a partner.
Creating a Collaborative Environment
Encouraging a partner to engage in self-improvement or relationship work can be achieved by fostering a collaborative, non-judgmental environment. It can be helpful to approach conversations with openness and curiosity, inviting the partner to share their thoughts and feelings rather than imposing a solution. This approach reduces the likelihood of defensiveness and resistance, as it avoids making the partner feel criticised or inadequate.
For example, framing discussions around mutual goals or shared challenges can be more effective than dictating desired changes. Phrasing such as, "I feel like we're going around in circles with this issue. Do you have any ideas on how we could work on this together?" creates an inclusive dialogue. By posing the problem as a shared experience, partners can feel validated and more willing to engage in finding solutions.
Embracing Different Paths to Growth
It's important to recognise that personal development can look different for everyone. While some might find value in therapy or reading self-help books, others might prefer more introspective methods, such as meditation or creative pursuits. Accepting that a partner's path to growth may differ can alleviate unnecessary pressure and enable both partners to explore ways of growing that feel authentic to them.
Encouraging partners to choose their own methods for self-discovery acknowledges their autonomy and respects their individuality. This flexibility can diminish the perception that there is only one "right" way to engage in personal development, potentially reducing resistance and opening doors to new avenues of exploration.
In conclusion, navigating the complexities when one partner is more invested in self-improvement than the other requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to focus on personal growth. By embracing these principles, couples can foster an environment where both partners feel respected and motivated to engage in their unique paths towards self-discovery and relational harmony.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you felt frustrated because your partner was resistant to working on the relationship. What emotions did this situation bring up for you, and how did you respond?
Consider the ways you approach personal growth and relationship improvement. How might your methods differ from your partner's, and how can you respect these differences?
Stephanie discusses the importance of focusing on one's own growth. How do you currently prioritise your personal development, and in what ways could you lean into this more?
When facing a recurring conflict in your relationship, how do you usually communicate your needs and desires? Do you find that this approach fosters a collaborative environment or creates resistance?
Think about a situation where you made assumptions about your partner's resistance. What were these assumptions, and how accurate do you believe they were upon reflection?
Reflect on your attachment patterns. How do your tendencies align with either anxious or avoidant attachment styles, and how do these tendencies impact your relationship dynamics?
What does a healthy and thriving relationship look like to you? Are there areas in your current relationship that measure up to this vision, and where might there be discrepancies?
How do you typically react when you perceive a lack of progress or willingness from your partner? What might a more open-minded and flexible approach look like for you?
Evaluate your ability to trust yourself and your instincts in your relationship. What steps can you take to strengthen your self-trust and discernment?
Reflect on Stephanie’s suggestion of making issues a collaborative proposition rather than a directive. How might this shift in strategy improve communication and cooperation in your relationship?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we're talking about what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So this is such a common one. I know for so many people who I work with, in fact in the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've fielded variations on this from a number of people in my Healing Anxious Attachment course and community space. I feel like a lot of people are struggling with this, and as is always the case, if a small sample that I'm interacting with is struggling with it, I'm sure that more people in my broader community are struggling with it as well. And it can be so frustrating and defeating. It's certainly a situation that I've personally been in, and as I said, comes up a lot amongst the people that I work with.
[00:01:17]:
So I want to share some thoughts today on what do you do if you find yourself in this situation where you are really wanting to work on the relationship, and maybe you're really doing a lot of work on yourself, and you really want your partner to be on board with that. Maybe you're really excited about all of the things you're learning, and you can really see the benefits, but your partner is disinterested, not willing to engage, and maybe really actively pushes back against any attempts that you might make to bring them along for the ride or welcome them into the work or suggesting resources, suggesting things you think they might find interesting. If there is a real friction there, and you're feeling a little disheartened by their unwillingness. How do we navigate that? How long do you persist in those sorts of dynamics? Do you just make your peace with the fact that they are not interested in that? What do you do if there are things that you feel really do need to shift or change in order for the relationship to be viable? How long do you wait? All of these questions that spring from this sort of fundamental conflict point around when one person is doing the work and wanting to do the work, and the other isn't. So that's what I'm going to be sharing some thoughts on today. As I said, I know that this is a very very common one, and so hopefully it's one that a lot of people will get a lot out of. Before I dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being just a reminder about my free resource, the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit.
[00:02:46]:
If you haven't downloaded it, definitely do, particularly if what I'm talking about today resonates with you because it really is a great starting resource for folks with anxious attachment patterns. Maybe you're not quite ready to dive into one of my courses or invest at that level yet, but the free starter kit is still really comprehensive. You get a I think it's about a forty minute video where I'm sharing about my own journey with anxious attachment and how I got from where I was to where I am. There's a guided meditation of affirmations for anxious attachment, as well as a workbook that gives you some journal prompts and some other reflection questions to build some more self awareness around your relationship patterns, and get really clear around what drives you and what you need in order to thrive in a relationship. Those are all exclusive resources that you won't find anywhere else, and they are completely free in the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit. So the link to that is in the show notes. Definitely check it out. As I said, it's a really helpful resource if you are just starting out on your journey.
[00:03:46]:
The second quick announcement is a really exciting one. I'm going to be in London in September year, and I'm planning to hold an event. If that sounds a little vague, it's because I haven't firmed up the details yet, but I am taking expressions of interest, building a waitlist for people who are interested in that, which will help me to decide what it looks like. So not sure yet whether it will be sort of an intimate workshop akin to what I ran in Sydney late last year, or whether it will be more of a bigger talk or an event like that. But irrespective, if you are in London or around London or willing to travel to London in September, please jump on the waitlist. And if you want to reach out to me on Instagram or send an email letting me know that you'd be keen, all of that is really helpful for me in planning and finalising the details to make sure that it suits the needs of people who are willing to come. So please do jump on the waitlist. Again, link is in the show notes.
[00:04:39]:
Or come in and find me on Instagram and send me a message there. That would be super helpful and I am already so excited. I shared about it this morning on my Instagram stories and I've already had a bunch of people jump on the waitlist in less than an hour. So that bodes really well for what will hopefully be an exciting event in London later in the year. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around what to do when your partner doesn't want to work on themselves or the relationship. So I just want to start out by validating how hard this feels. And as I said, I've been there.
[00:05:11]:
It is a familiar experience for me that I remember well. There have been times in in multiple relationships that I've been in where I've felt like I'm up against resistance in wanting to work through something in the relationship, and that sense of having tried everything. Maybe you've tried directly suggesting things, maybe you've shared resources, maybe you've tried a more hands off approach, and tried leaving them to their own devices, and not wanting to be controlling or pushy or whatever, and it feels like none of the things that you're trying, even though they're across a spectrum of directness or intervention, none of it is getting much traction. None of it is inspiring willingness or growth in your partner, and so you can feel a bit stumped in terms of, well, what do I do now? Nothing is working. Right? So I just want to validate how frustrating and disheartening that can feel, because when we really want the relationship to work, we really want to solve whatever the thing is that feels like it, particularly if it's a make or break thing. The stakes feel so high, and so of course there is a sense of urgency and gravity about it. And when you're met with unwillingness, oftentimes you will perceive that as 'if you cared about the relationship, if you loved me, you would want to work on this', So the fact that you are resistant must mean that you're not that invested. Right? That's a really common interpretation of someone's unwillingness, particularly if you are coming from a more anxious attachment place.
[00:06:47]:
And that can really hurt and it can really sting. And it can be really confusing as well. Like, how could you love me but not want to solve this thing? So reconciling all of that. And of course, as we learn more about this, we start to understand that there's a lot of projection in that. We're assuming that someone sees the world, sees relationships in the same way that we do, and is operating on the same kind of framework and blueprint that we have, which is why it's so helpful to learn more about different attachment patterns and how wildly different our view of things can be, while being grounded in a very real and valid experience on both sides. So I do just want to start out by saying I get it. I get the frustration, I get the exasperation, I get the confusion and the doubt and the hurt and the worry and the anxiety that comes with feeling like you're up against a brick wall on something that feels so so important, and particularly if it's a non negotiable or a deal breaker for the relationship. With that being said, I think we do have to walk around to the other side, as always.
[00:07:46]:
It's like, how can I approach this with curiosity and an assumption of validity? So in the same way that the experience you're having is real and valid, so too is the experience that they're having. And if we can step outside of our agenda for a moment and be genuinely curious, not curious in the sense of, oh I'll try and understand what your resistance is so that I can reverse engineer a way to dissolve that resistance, so that I can further my own agenda of trying to get you to change, right? I I say that having definitely had that, whether conscious or or subconscious, that motive before. Like genuinely curious of like, why does this feel threatening to you? What is it about me wanting to work on the relationship? Or the whole idea of personal development, self inquiry, why does that feel threatening to you? Why is that something that you push away so insistently? And I think we have to assume that there's good reason for that. Rather than judging it, or blaming, shaming, attacking, criticizing, assuming that it's wrong, let's assume that there's a really good reason for it, and then get curious as to what that might be. So in the case of avoidant attachment, oftentimes, I've talked about this before, there is a core wound around defectiveness or inadequacy, and the flip side of that, in much the same way as anxious attaches have a core wound around unworthiness and tend to deal with that wound or manage that wound by over functioning, over giving, striving, trying to prove worth, for more avoidant people who have this wound around inadequacy, failure, they tend to protect that wound by trying to be successful. Right? And it's so important for people with avoidant patterns to feel successful in their relationships and in their lives. And what successful often looks and sounds and feels like is that I'm doing a good job. And so this is why a lot of avoidant people react poorly to the constant efforts on the anxious partner's side to always be improving things, the sense that their anxious partner is always upset about something, that there's always more that we could be doing to improve the relationship.
[00:10:06]:
It comes across to many avoidant people as like, it's never enough. Nothing I do is ever enough. You're never happy with me. You're never satisfied, and that makes me feel like a failure and a disappointment, and that is really demoralising. So, understanding that you're coming at this issue of, like, self improvement or relationship improvement from totally different places. There's this proactive part on the anxious attached side that's like, why wouldn't we want to plug every little teeny tiny hole in the boat ahead of time so that nothing bad ever happens, nothing ever gets in the way of our connection and our relationship, and we could always be more connected, and going deeper and deeper. There's just this sense of more, more, more on the side of the anxious attacher. And as I said, that's not all bad, that's not something we need to pathologize or make wrong, but noticing the underbelly side of that, that there is a safety that comes from ever more connection, right? The bottomless pit of I just always want more from you, And I think that can come from a place of really struggling to feel safe, to just rest in a relationship that feels like enough because we've always got this edge of hyper vigilance, this sense that the other shoe is going to drop, the sense that trouble is always just around the corner, and so we feel like we always have to be doing, doing, doing to get ahead of any problems.
[00:11:34]:
From the avoidance side, there's a really high value placed on relational harmony. And just to preempt anyone who's going to say, what, so I just have to swallow all of my problems and never say anything?' and no, that's not what I'm saying, that's never what I'm saying. But recognizing that there might be a middle ground here in terms of how we approach things so that it doesn't feel like this relentless, almost like tidal wave of things we need to work on before we can just enjoy each other. Right? And anxious attaches, I've talked about before, tend to come in with 15 things that I want to work on. And even if your partner is actually making progress and doing a good job on a few of them, your focus is always going to be on the things that are imperfect or not yet as you want them to be, and you may overlook all of the progress that has been made. You may miss the big picture and that can, again, feel really uninspiring, really demoralising for someone who is genuinely putting in effort and genuinely wants to make you happy. If they don't feel encouraged, they don't feel seen or appreciated for the effort that they are putting in, all of that can contribute to an overall environment where their instinct is to be resistant to your efforts or attempts at getting more from them, when they already feel like they're trying and they're giving, and it's never enough. So with that being said, let's shift now to talking about what you can do.
[00:13:05]:
Having contextualised, like, why this happens and what it looks and feels like on both sides. What can you do? What is actually a productive, constructive step that you can take if you find yourself in this situation? So I think the thing to emphasize here, and I've spoken about this so many times before, it really is a fundamental tenet underpinning so much of my work, is that focusing on your own growth, you can never lose. Right? Either you focus on your own growth and you experience the benefits of that, which for an anxiously attached person are many. Really, that is the heart of your work, is to bring it back to you. And we know that that relational hyperfocus, that excessive emphasis on what are they doing and what are they not doing, and I have to control them in order to feel safe inside myself, that is really a key expression of your anxious attachment patterns, and so shifting the spotlight back to you, shifting the center of your focus back within, and going, what's within my control? How can I create safety for myself? How can I attend to my own needs, how can I attune to my own experience? That is powerful and important work for you no matter what's happening over there with them. And so I really, really believe that you cannot lose, you can only win by bringing that emphasis back onto yourself. Now, what will often happen is that in doing that, you will create a ripple effect in your relationship. We talk about what is the overall relational environment looking like? And one person, while you can't single handedly save a relationship or transform a relationship, you can absolutely shift the balance there by working on cleaning up your side of the street and changing the way that you do things because, you know, you are one input to that system.
[00:14:55]:
And so when you change one of the inputs, oftentimes you will get a different output, you will get a different result. And so doing all of your work on yourself and the way you show up, and your own boundaries, your own maybe not so healthy behaviors around over functioning or controlling or criticizing, blaming, the way you communicate in conflict, all of that stuff can absolutely really shift things on the other side. Not only in an immediate sense, but also in terms of softening their resistance and their unwillingness that they might otherwise have that is a function of all the patterns I was describing earlier. So oftentimes that will naturally take care of itself when more emotional safety and trust is built through you working on your stuff. Now the other possibility is that you do all of your work, and still there is unwillingness or resistance in them. And that is a possibility, right? Not everyone is going to come on the journey, and not everyone is interested in doing this kind of work. And I should say here that another really important thing to be mindful of is that people will engage in their journey, their growth, in different ways. It's not going to look the same for everyone, so just because your partner is not signing up to online courses or listening to relationship podcasts doesn't mean that they don't care.
[00:16:15]:
They might just be looking to engage in it in a way that feels good to them, in a way that really resonates. So just be mindful and try and be a little flexible and open minded. They don't have to find talk therapy really helpful, if that's what you find really helpful. They might have a different inroad to working on themselves and getting to know themselves. So trying to release the grip a little on it needing to look the same way as your work looks, because oftentimes it won't. But nevertheless, if you do find yourself in a situation where you've really been taking responsibility for your part, you've really cleaned up your side of the street, and you're feeling like maybe you're outgrowing your partner, they're just not coming along for the ride, and you don't know what to do with that. And maybe you're even wondering, like, how much longer do I wait? Of course that's a bit of an open question, and it's not one that I can say, oh wait three months and then make a decision. It's going to depend on a million and one variables.
[00:17:15]:
But I guess the maybe the annoying answer to that, but the honest one is the more you do your own work, and a big part of that is building up your sense of self worth and your sense of self trust, your discernment, and your clarity and confidence around what do I need in order to thrive in a relationship? How long am I willing to stick around in the face of someone's resistance? Is there resistance about really core, fundamental parts of the relationship? Or is it peripheral, things that I can live with? All of those questions are ones that you can approach with a level of maturity and discernment and deep self knowing and self awareness that is only going to benefit from you having done your work. Again, all roads lead back to you cannot lose by focusing on your stuff. So that is, again, I recognize that's maybe not the advice you want to hear, you want some sort of hack that gets them to the table against their willingness. But the core of my advice, as always, is focus on you and you can't lose. With that being said, I will wrap up by sharing a couple of things that you might try in terms of the way you approach the communication with your partner that can help to elicit more willingness and openness in them than what you might have been trying, which might have been coming from a more guarded place that can have a bit of judgement or accusation or disapproval wrapped up in it, which is almost always going to elicit resistance in them. So I think a really good guiding principle is to make it a collaborative proposition rather than a, like, me coaching you, or me teaching you, or me telling you what you should do because I know more than you. That's almost always going to be met with pushback and someone saying like, don't tell me what to do, right, just instinctively. I think again with people with more avoidant patterns, they really want to feel respected, and part of feeling respected is like, you see me as a competent adult, right? And you're not babying me, you're not over functioning, you're not mothering me, you're not coaching me.
[00:19:19]:
I don't want that from you, even though you think you're doing it from a loving place. I feel controlled and I feel patronized and condescended to, even where that's not the intention. So shifting to a more collaborative approach, so maybe if there's a repeated conflict that you keep having, saying something like, I'm really at my wits end and I don't know where we go from here.' I would love for us to find a way to approach this issue that doesn't leave us going around in circles again and again and again, because I know it's tiring for both of us, and neither of us are enjoying this. Do you have any ideas? Right? Open up the conversation in a way that acknowledges, like, we both hate this, this sucks for both of us. I'm not the one with all the answers, I'm not the one trying to tell you what to do, or say that you're the problem and you need to change. Like clearly, there's a problem here that we need to find another way of approaching or another solution to. I've got some ideas, do you have any ideas? I think that that is much more likely to get someone's buy in and opt in than something that's like you telling them, like, you need to go to therapy or why don't you ever want to do blah blah blah blah blah. I'm the one who's doing all the work.
[00:20:30]:
You're not doing any of the work. Like, all of that establishes a a dynamic where you are speaking down to someone even if you don't mean to be. And again, avoiding people in particular are gonna have a big pushback response to that because it's gonna touch into all of those core wounds that we talked about. Not only the wanting to feel successful, and not wanting to feel inadequate, or broken, or bad, but also all of their stuff around independence, and autonomy, and not wanting to feel controlled by a partner. So being really mindful of that, and trying to loop them into a solution, being genuinely flexible and open minded as to what they may think and what they may have to say about a path forward, that's so much more likely to stick and to feel good for both of you than a solution that you're dictating, and they're either flatly refusing to engage with, or maybe they're agreeing in the moment to kind of wrap up the conversation, but they don't actually follow through on because their heart wasn't in it. They didn't believe in it. They didn't agree with it. Okay.
[00:21:31]:
I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, definitely check out the anxious attachment starter kit if all of the things I've been speaking about today resonate. It's a it's a nice next step into my work if you know that this is some stuff that you need to work on but you don't really know where to go with it. But otherwise, I really hope you enjoyed it. Let me know. Leave me a review or a comment on Spotify or YouTube if you're watching there. Let me know if this landed for you. If you have any questions or future episode requests, I'm always happy to receive them. Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:06]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, insecurity, thriving relationships, relationship work, Healing Anxious Attachment course, partner disinterest, personal development, self-inquiry, communication, avoidant attachment, emotional safety, trust, boundaries, over-functioning, controlling behaviour, relationship patterns, self-awareness, relational harmony, conflict resolution, relational environment, relational dynamics, relationship podcasts, relational growth, self-worth, self-trust, London event, attachment journey, Anxious Attachment Starter Kit, guided meditation.
#181: The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment (& Why It Has to Stop)
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
In today’s episode, I’m diving into a topic that’s both close to my heart and foundational to how I approach this work: the widespread demonisation of avoidant attachment — and why we need to stop doing it.
It’s all too common, especially in online spaces, for people (often those with anxious attachment) to project blame, anger, and sweeping judgments onto those with avoidant attachment styles. But while that instinct may feel validating in the short term, it actually keeps us stuck.
This episode is a call for compassion and nuance — not just for others, but for ourselves.
Whether you’ve been hurt by someone with avoidant tendencies in the past or are currently struggling with anxious-avoidant dynamics, this conversation will invite you to take a broader, more honest look at the patterns playing out in your relationships and what healing really requires.
In this episode, I cover:
Why avoidant attachment is so often misunderstood and unfairly vilified
How our instinct to blame keeps us stuck in insecure patterns
The deeper origins of avoidant attachment — and how understanding this helps build compassion
Why anger, blame, and black-and-white thinking won’t help you heal
The role of boundaries, discernment, and self-responsibility in moving forward
If you're committed to growing into a more secure, grounded version of yourself, this episode is an invitation to pause and reflect on the narratives you’re holding — about others, and about yourself.
Highlighted Resources
Save 30% on Healing Anxious Attachment - this week only!
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
The Demonisation of Avoidant Attachment: Why It Needs to End
In the world of relationships and attachment theories, misconceptions can often run rampant. One of the most persistent myths revolves around the characterisation of avoidant attachment styles as inherently negative or damaging. The truth, however, is far more nuanced. Turning away from the demonisation of avoidant attachment styles is essential for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. By understanding the origins and motivations behind avoidant behaviours, we can cultivate compassion and live with greater self-awareness and understanding.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
To understand avoidant attachment, it's helpful to first consider its roots. Typically, avoidant attachment originates in childhood environments where emotional needs were undervalued or ignored. Children with this attachment style often grew up in homes where expressions of emotion were discouraged, leading them to adapt by relying on self-sufficiency. These individuals learn at an early age to derive their sense of safety not from emotional closeness but from keeping a protective distance. This behavioural pattern is not a choice or a flaw, but rather a learned strategy for protection and survival.
Breaking Down Misconceptions
One of the most common misconceptions about avoidant attachment is that it equates to an aversion to relationships altogether. In reality, individuals with avoidant attachment can and do desire meaningful connections; they simply navigate intimacy differently. The assumption that they are inherently selfish or emotionally unavailable overlooks the protective instincts developed from their formative experiences. Labeling them as such only perpetuates a cycle of misunderstanding and alienation. By viewing avoidant individuals through the lens of their heartfelt history rather than their surface behaviours, we open doors to empathy and understanding.
The Role of Compassion and Curiosity
Compassion plays a pivotal role in reshaping our understanding of avoidant attachment. When we approach those with avoidant tendencies with curiosity and an open heart, we move closer to acceptance and healing. It's crucial to recognise that the behaviours we interpret as distancing are often survival mechanisms. These individuals are not "bad" or defective; they have simply developed a toolkit that prioritises keeping a safe distance to mitigate past pains. Embracing compassion doesn't mean accepting behaviours that hurt us, but it does involve recognising the shared human need for safety and security.
The Pitfall of Blame
For many who have experienced hurt in relationships with those who have an avoidant attachment style, there can be a temptation to assign blame. This blame-based mindset often fuels the demonisation of avoidant attachment, simplifying complex relational dynamics into a binary of victim and villain. However, focusing on blame rarely leads to growth or resolution. Instead, it traps individuals in a cycle of anger and resentment, preventing them from recognising their own areas for growth or the motivations behind their partner's behaviours. Reframing these narratives with a less judgmental, more balanced perspective can aid healing and personal development.
A Balanced Approach to Relationships
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. This involves recognising and respecting the diverse attachment styles present in any partnership. Discernment is key in navigating these dynamics: understanding your own boundaries and values while allowing space for your partner to express their needs. It is perfectly valid to realise that a particular dynamic, whether with an avoidant individual or any other, may not serve your best interests. However, moving away from judgement and towards a more inquisitive exploration of each other's perspectives ensures that decisions are grounded in understanding rather than animosity.
Moving Forward With Empathy
Ultimately, fostering empathy and a balanced viewpoint towards avoidant attachment isn't about excusing harmful behaviours. It's about creating a culture of acceptance and understanding that allows everyone the space to grow and heal at their pace. This requires both compassion for others and self-responsibility, recognising when certain dynamics do not align with our personal needs. For those working towards secure attachment, detaching from negative stereotypes and engaging with genuine curiosity can transform relationship experiences. By relinquishing blame, we embark on a path that prioritises connection and authentic growth for all involved.
In conclusion, the demonisation of avoidant attachment serves neither personal growth nor healthy relationships. As we shift our perspectives to embrace a more compassionate and nuanced view, we open the door to positive change and greater self-awareness. Understanding avoidant attachment as a natural response to past experiences allows us to see it not as a barrier to connection but as another dimension of the rich tapestry of human relationships. Through these efforts, we can create a more inclusive and understanding environment that celebrates the complexities of each individual's attachment journey.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on any experiences where you may have demonised someone based on their attachment style. What emotions were present, and how did these influence your perspective on the situation?
Consider how you balance compassion and boundaries in your relationships. Are there instances where you extend too much compassion at the expense of your own needs, or vice versa?
How do you react when reading or hearing sweeping generalisations about attachment styles? What inner narratives or biases do you notice?
Reflect on the statement that all attachment strategies are designed to create safety. How do you see this manifest in yourself or those you've been in relationships with?
Think about a time when you felt compelled to label someone in a negative way due to their attachment behaviour. How might shifting towards a more compassionate view change your feelings or responses?
Explore your own healing journey regarding attachment. Can you identify stages similar to those discussed by Stephanie, and what mindset shifts have been significant for you?
Reflect on the idea that anger and blame directed at others can impede personal growth. How have you noticed this in your life, and what steps could you take to shift your focus?
How do you define a healthy relationship based on your non-negotiables, values, and needs? Have there been occasions when focusing on labels or attachment styles distracted you from these fundamentals?
Consider your initial reactions to people with avoidant attachment. Are these perceptions challenged by understanding their origin stories?
Reflect on the importance of self-awareness and growth in relationships. How can you be more open to understanding the personal journeys of those around you, regardless of their attachment style?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, I wanna talk about quite a sensitive topic, but one that is really close to my heart and is a guiding principle underpinning a lot of how I approach this work, which is the demonization of avoidant attachment. Now if you've been around here for a while and you're familiar with my philosophy and my approach when it comes to attachment, you'd know that I am big on extending compassion and curiosity to everyone, irrespective of their attachment style. And I'm very deliberate about how I talk about avoidant attachment and anxious attachment, in terms of not villainizing anyone and really encouraging a view of people's behavior and struggles as protective. You know, understanding that all of our attachment strategies are ultimately designed in one way or another to facilitate us creating safety for ourselves, creating a sense of belonging.
[00:01:29]:
As easy as it is when you're on the receiving end of someone's behaviour that you don't like, that triggers something in you to villainize them and to project ill intent onto them, that's so rarely, I would say almost never the case that people set out with the intention to cause harm. And of course, that compassion must be accompanied by discernment and boundaries and self advocacy. Knowing our own limits and being very clear around our standards for what we will and won't tolerate, and knowing what behaviors, what qualities, what traits allow us to thrive in a relationship. So it's not about over indexing on compassion in the sense of condoning any and all behavior because we can understand where it arises from. But equally, I think the unfortunate trend in a lot of online spaces is for anxiously attached people who have been hurt by previous relationships with avoidant partners to take those experiences and to take that unhealed hurt and to make these sweeping generalizations around all avoidant people are selfish, toxic, narcissistic, a waste of space. Those are just a small handful of the types of comments that I have seen flying around. This episode is actually prompted by some events this week on my own Instagram account. I shared a post which I honestly thought was totally uncontroversial.
[00:03:00]:
I was very surprised to see it going viral and for the comments section to be blowing up. But it was a post about what avoidant people look for in a partner. And the list was along the lines of independence, so someone who has other things going on in their life, who has hobbies and friendships and a well developed sense of self, someone who is emotionally regulated and stable, so not someone who is highly reactive and emotionally volatile, someone with healthy boundaries, someone who is able to bring fun and lightness to the relationship so that it doesn't feel really emotionally dense and heavy all the time. And I, as I said, I didn't think that this list was controversial in the slightest, but it became very quickly apparent from people's response to this post That it was activating something, it was triggering something in a lot of people, a lot of anxiously attached people. And a lot of people seemed to be receiving that and responding to it as if it were saying you, anxious person, need to embody all of these traits in order to adapt to the preferences of someone with avoidant attachment and or it's your fault that the relationship between you and whoever your avoidant ex is didn't work out because you weren't enough of these things. That's kind of the most generous interpretation I can come up with for the very fiery responses that were in the comments section. But it has had me reflecting these past couple of days and feeling like there's a broader conversation to be had around the demonization of avoidant attachment. Not only because I do feel really strongly about promoting a more compassionate view of all attachment patterns as an adaptation, and really recognizing that until we extend that compassion towards others, we will not have that compassionate view of ourselves.
[00:04:53]:
But also, sort of more practically speaking, for anxiously attached people who are the overwhelming majority of my audience and clients and students, I can tell you from having worked with thousands and thousands of people on healing anxious attachment, that for so long as you are harboring that level of anger and bitterness and these sweeping views of avoidant people as being the problem in your relationships, that is actually going to keep you from your own growth because that blame based, shame based mindset around attachment, around relationships, one that tries to isolate who the villain and the victim are and wants to lay blame on someone else and say, They're the problem and they're a waste of space and they need to just go to therapy and be on their own and all they ever do is cause pain. All these really highly inflammatory, sweeping generalisations, I promise you that that is not going to be the place from which you will grow into a more secure attachment. Shaming other people is not how you get to a secure attachment. Stewing in anger is not how you get to a secure attachment. There's a lack of both self compassion, compassion for other, and self responsibility and honesty in the way that we're looking at our own relationship patterns. And until we look at those things with honesty, that's going to impede our ability to meaningfully shift and grow. So I wanted to share some thoughts about that. It's probably going to be slightly different in tone to my regular episodes in that it's not so much a me teaching as it is me reflecting and discussing and sharing some thoughts on the demonization of avoidant attachment.
[00:06:44]:
But it does feel like an important conversation. And I will say from this recent experience on Instagram, the silver lining, you know, it's always disheartening to feel like you're doing work to try and break down some of these unhelpful generalisations or stereotypes. And so it's a little disheartening to see so much of that still alive and well in the comments section on a viral post. But what it did remind me of is how fortunate I am and how grateful I am that for the most part, my community, my listeners here, people on Instagram that are familiar with my work, that that's not the tone. And I could really tell in the comments section of this post the people who'd been in my universe for a little while, the people who'd done my programs, stuff like that, it was really apparent because of the self awareness and the nuance and the thoughtfulness. So that was at least really affirming for me. I was really grateful to be reminded of the fact that that's not the norm. As is always the case when something goes viral, it gets pushed to a lot of people who might not usually engage with your content or might not know your work.
[00:07:57]:
So the silver lining of having to be on the receiving end of a lot of people's projections and judgments and misunderstandings of my own intention in creating that content was being grateful that that isn't the norm and that my community in large part is really curious and compassionate and thoughtful and nuanced in the way that they engage with my work and and this body of work more broadly. So a quick word of thanks to all of you who are regular listeners and who do put in the effort to take on that compassionate and nuanced view because in many ways, the sugar hit junk food version where we just shoot from the hip and and let our wounded partner run wild. In many ways, that's easier. So I I suppose I wanna talk about why I think this happens. Why do we demonize avoidant attachment? And I think the simple answer is that generally people with insecure attachment patterns struggle with very black and white thinking. They tend to be quite oppositional, dualistic, this sense of right or wrong, blame. I've spoken about this many times before on the podcast, there's this sense of I need to find who the bad guy is, and I'm hoping that it isn't me, and particularly for anxiously attached people whose pattern in relationship is to strive and to work really hard all the time and to over function and over everything, and desperately try and keep the relationship intact and care taken, all of those things. The idea that you could be the problem or the villain or the bad guy feels so impossible given how hard you've tried, and how earnestly you've tried, and you have.
[00:09:41]:
And so when you're in this mindset of one of us has to be the problem, and I've been trying so hard so surely it can't be me, it's much more palatable that it would be them. And I've done an episode in the past which was one of my top episodes ever called the three stages of healing anxious attachment, and it's really about these mindset shifts that people undergo. And A lot of people start in a mindset of assuming they are the problem, and that low self worth plays low self esteem, I have to change myself, there's something wrong with me, I need to be more or less or different or better in order to get someone to love me. And then a lot of people go from that starting point of really low self esteem, maybe they go through a break up, or they just come across this work and they feel really validated by it, and they swing to another extreme which is that of wait, I'm not the problem, you're the problem. The avoidant person's the problem. My ex is the problem. They're emotionally unavailable and toxic and narcissistic and whatever other labels I can reach for that make me feel really validated in my pain and my hurt. And if I can put those labels on you and feel like my hurt is justified, and that anyone would have been hurt in my position, then I start to feel a little less powerless.
[00:10:59]:
But the trouble is that that pendulum swing to the other extreme of wait, no, you're the problem, it misses the full picture. It might feel temporarily good, but it can keep us really stuck, and it generally does keep us really stuck. I wasn't brave enough to respond to the comments on this Instagram post saying as much, but I could tell the people who had done their work and the people who were stuck in their anxious attachment and in more extreme expressions of that, Because the people who are holding onto a lot of that very blunt, lacking in nuance, vitriolic judgements towards avoidant people at large, those are not people who are very close to becoming secure. In my experience and in my observation. Again, having a decent sample size of having worked with thousands of people on this. Which brings me to what is a healing mindset and what does bode really well for you if you are doing this work and you are wanting to become more secure is what I called in that episode a stage three mindset, and it's this idea that neither of us individually were the problem or were to blame. The unique combination of our wounds and our self protective strategies and our limitations and our maybe conflicting needs, all of that went into a melting pot and the the sum total of it was a level of dysfunction or stuckness that we lacked the tools to to overcome. And that's not juicy.
[00:12:36]:
Right? There's there's no, like, big flashy headlines in that, but it's honest. And it takes in the full picture and the full reality of of what happened. And it's only in looking at that honestly that we can take some of the heat out for starters, but we can also then start to figure out, okay, what was my contribution to whatever unhealthy patterns existed there? What did I get out of it? Because as much as we might not want to admit it, there's at least a part of us that that got something out of all of that, and what need was I trying to meet and how could I do things differently next time? When we're just in that kind of blame based mindset of anger and projection, there's actually nothing very fertile there in terms of our own growth. There's no space for self reflection, there's no space for nuance or honesty. And as such there's there's nothing for us to really learn from there because we're not actually engaging with reality. So recognizing that being in that kind of mindset, that oppositional, dualistic, right or wrong, good or bad, who's to blame, who's the bad one, who's the problem, That mindset is going to keep you stuck and I really, really encourage you if you notice yourself going there. And it's nothing to be ashamed of because I think we're all trained into that mindset societally, but it's not going to support you if you are wanting to go from insecure attachment to a more secure way of being in relationships. That mindset is not something that you wanna take with you on the journey, let's put it that way.
[00:14:16]:
I want to talk now a little about avoidant attachment more specifically, and just, I suppose, almost a reminder to people who, again, maybe you notice yourself judging avoidant attachment as bad or wrong or less than the worst attachment style, the hardest attachment style to be in relationship with. I think a lot of anxious people can get a bit judgy around it and a bit righteous, and that's something I hear a lot is, well at least I'm trying, or at least we wanna be in relationships, you just blah blah blah blah blah. And I I think it's easy to get a bit high and mighty, right, and to assume that, like, you're way is better. And, well, at least I'm selfless, at least I'm caring. And I think it's important for us all to recognize that our attachment patterns, no matter how they manifest, are about our own needs first and foremost, getting our own relational needs met. And it just so happens that the anxious person derives safety from the other person, whereas the avoidant person derives safety from keeping a bit of a safe distance, keeping a buffer. And so that's not to say that avoidant people don't want relationships or don't need connection and love. They do.
[00:15:29]:
But they have a history of feeling really unsafe when up close against that, when confronted with that level of intimacy and vulnerability, such that their instinct is to pull back. And I think that reminding ourselves particularly of the typical origin story of avoidant attachment can be a bit of a pathway to connection. So for anyone who isn't familiar, most avoidant attachment originates in an early family environment where children, babies were denied their emotional needs. They might have had parents who were often avoidant themselves, and who were so emotionally stunted or underdeveloped or unavailable that the child's bids for connection, their attempts at getting those attachment needs met, their proximity seeking behaviors were shunned, ignored, dismissed, even shamed or ridiculed. So that very typical kind of old school parenting of telling kids to stop crying, this sense that children are meant to be emotionally strong and independent and self sufficient. And so a child in this environment, it's almost like the heartbreak and the grief and the sorrow of having your attempts at emotional connection denied, or ignored, or dismissed. A child in that environment adapts by learning very quickly that that's not the way to be close with my caregivers. That's not going to get me the safety, the approval, having my needs met, and as an infant, as a child, that is a survival need very directly and literally.
[00:17:10]:
So children who develop an avoidant attachment and are in those sorts of family systems learn that that's that's not how they're going to thrive in that system, by being highly emotionally in tune with themselves and others, that that's not the language of that family. So they channel their energy and their efforts into other ways of getting that connection and approval, which often amongst avoidant people is through either activities and things that are less intimate and vulnerable, or achievement. So being good, being successful, being competent, being capable. Those are a lot of the common traits of avoidant people, is that they focus on that and they often are really good at all of that as a result. They are successful, they are competent, they are capable. And as a side note, that's why it's so hard in relationships for people with avoidant attachment to feel like their partner is always disappointed in them. Because for them, a form of love and essential to the love relationship is I want to feel successful to you. If I feel like I'm always failing you, I'm always letting you down, I'm always disappointing you.
[00:18:23]:
That's very very demoralizing for them, and very triggering of that kind of deep wound around feeling inadequate, feeling not enough. So just bearing in mind, and I think when we go back to the origin story, and you can, if you have an avoidant partner or avoidant ex partner, thinking of them as a child who longed for connection but had those needs denied, Maybe that's a doorway to more compassion than you might otherwise have. You know, we all come by our attachment styles honestly. It's not like someone is a selfish, uncaring child and that's how they come to be emotionally undeveloped as an adult. Right? These are just the cards that we were dealt. And of course, I know people are going to be listening and going, Yeah, well that's your responsibility to deal with it. And yeah, of course it is. And people are going to get there at different times and on different timelines, and I think we also have to recognize that for people with avoidant attachment, part of their operating system is to not look at that stuff.
[00:19:28]:
To not be particularly inquisitive about their emotional landscape for some people. For some who are more fearful, avoidant, or disorganized, that might not be true. But for some, that is part of the blueprint is we don't go there or that doesn't feel safe. So having compassion for the fact that people are going to come to this differently, or they may not at all, and that doesn't make them a terrible person, that doesn't make them deficient or inadequate or bad. Recognising that there's good reason for why people do the things that they do, and coming back to this fundamental balance that we all need to be aiming for between compassion and a starting assumption of goodness and humanness and trying to feel into someone's humanity, while also knowing ourselves and being self responsible to maybe decide that another person's limitations are such that it's not a good idea for us to be in a relationship. That their limits in terms of intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, communication, all of those things might mean that they're not a good match for me. And that's fine, but they don't have to be a bad person. I don't have to say, like, they're a waste of space.
[00:20:48]:
I don't have to reach for things that are villainizing and nasty, so as to justify my decision to keep a distance from someone who maybe the nature of their self protective patterns is such that they cause me harm and that it's not a good fit for me. That's okay, and we can reach that conclusion. And oftentimes we will need to do that in the name of taking good care of ourselves and being self responsible for our own well-being. But you don't have to go to that next step of making someone bad or making them wrong in order to feel like you are justified or you are right to not want to be with them. And whenever I see that, which unfortunately is often, and certainly this latest event in the comments section of this post that's gone viral, that is just like a whole lot of unprocessed hurt coming out in the form of projection and blame and judgement. And I think my message for those people is I understand. I understand the hurt. I understand the pain.
[00:21:57]:
I've been there. I've been on the receiving end of behaviors that were baffling to me, that I really couldn't make sense of. That it was very easy for me to judge as just like, what is wrong with you? Who would do that? And yet, that's not helpful, and the more that I went down that path of trying to make someone bad, and trying to convince them of their badness so that they would change, all that did was drag me into it. And it certainly was not conducive to my growth. It was only when I stopped doing that that I actually was able to start healing, and start paying attention to what it was in me that got me into those dynamics and kept me there for as long as I was there. So your healing is not going to be found in the comments section of an Instagram post, labeling avoidance as whatever you want to label them as. I promise you that. So I think I'll I'll stop there.
[00:22:53]:
As much as I could keep going on my soapbox about this for a long time, because as you might have sensed, it's something that I feel really strongly about. Again, as I said in the introduction, not only because I think it's the right thing to do to try and get this message out, but also because just it it won't work for all of those people who are anxious and want to shift their patterns and have somehow convinced themselves that the way to do that is to make all avoidant people the devil. It actually is is keeping you stuck, so for all of those reasons, it's really important that we start looking at this differently, and that we learn to hold multiple truths that might seem conflicting. Someone might have hurt me, and that doesn't make them a bad person, and it certainly doesn't make all avoidant people bad. As a side note, I know I said I was going to wrap up and I will, but when people ask me in my programs, students of mine say, how do I pick out an avoidant person in early dating so I can avoid them and save myself the pain? My answer is always I wouldn't focus on someone's attachment style, I would focus on getting very clear around what are your specific requirements or values or non negotiables for a relationship, and how does this person stack up against those? So those might be communication or consistency, reliability, emotional safety. And be really clear around what you will and won't tolerate and and what you need, and just see how someone measures against that. So don't be focusing on avoidant attachment as an umbrella because that's a really, really big bucket of people, and there's so much individual variation in terms of someone's capacity, how much work they've done, their self awareness, their willingness, and all of those factors and variables will influence whether or not someone might be a good fit for you. So look beyond the label of avoidant attachment and be a little more curious, be a little more open, rather than just trying to filter based on a very crude metric.
[00:24:55]:
So anyway, I will wrap up. I will leave it there. I hope that for those of you who are already onto all of this, I know that's a good chunk of you, and I'm so appreciative. As I said at the start, it is very affirming for me that most of the people in my regular community of listeners and followers and students and stuff, that everyone gets it. And that's really nice, and I'm very grateful for that. But for anyone who's maybe coming around to the idea or maybe not sure or maybe has that instinct towards blame and attack and villainization and all of that stuff, I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about and maybe enticing you towards a different approach that you could just try on for size because, you know, the version of things where you swirl around in bitterness and resentment and blame is is not gonna get you any closer to where you ultimately wanna be. I feel pretty confident in saying that. So I hope that it's been helpful. I'm grateful for all of you.
[00:25:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, relationships, insecurity, healthy relationships, compassion, demonization, vulnerability, attachment styles, partner, boundaries, healing, self-awareness, emotional regulation, independence, relationship coach, personalised advice, Instagram, growth, blame, mindset, self-responsibility, emotionally unavailable, safety, connection, judgment, nuance, healing journey, communication