#129 Building Self-Worth & a Secure Dating Mindset with Dr. Morgan Anderson
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we're talking all about building self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence in the context of dating. Dr. Morgan is a licensed clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach, and author of the relationship self-help book, Love Magnet. She is also the host of the Let's Get Vulnerable podcast.
In our conversation, we cover:
how insecure attachment styles fuel unhealthy dating patterns
how low self-worth and a lack of self-trust impact our dating mindset
common shifts that occur as you rewire old patterns and move towards secure attachment
practical tools and tips for shifting your dating mindset and building a secure dating persona
To connect with Dr. Morgan:
Listen to her podcast: Let's Get Vulnerable
Find her on Instagram: @drmorgancoaching
Visit her website: drmorgancoaching.com
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your past experiences or attachment patterns influence your approach to dating and relationships?
What are some negative beliefs about yourself that may be impacting your self-worth in relationships?
Can you identify any adaptive coping mechanisms or protective strategies that stem from past relational trauma? How do they affect your current relationships?
How might self-compassion play a role in healing your wounds and developing a healthier approach to dating?
In what ways can you broaden your perspective on self-worth beyond the context of relationships? What activities or interests bring value and fulfillment to your life outside of romance?
Have you experienced a corrective emotional experience in your relationships that positively impacted your attachment style? If not, how might you seek out such experiences?
What are some intentional ways you can maintain a sense of self and pursue your individual interests while dating or in a relationship?
Have you noticed any urgency in your approach to relationships? If so, how might slowing down and reorienting yourself lead to more informed choices and healthier dynamics?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
Stephanie Rigg [00:00:29]:
In today's episode, I'm joined by Dr. Morgan Anderson and we are talking all about building self worth and a secure identity in the context of dating, which I know is something that a lot of listeners are going to be really, really interested to hear about. Dr. Morgan is a licenced clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, relationship coach and author of the relationship self help book Love Magnet. She's also the host of the let's get Vulnerable podcast and the creator of the empowered, secure loved relationship programme. Our conversation covers a lot of ground from why we get stuck in the same patterns, why we find ourselves going after unavailable people, why we would want to do the work, to rewire all of that. What that work actually looks like some really practical steps that you could start taking towards building a more secure identity and actually creating the kind of relationship that you want and enjoying yourself in the process. So I'm sure that you guys are going to love this conversation and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with you. Dr. Morgan, thank you so much for joining me.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:36]:
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited about our conversation.
Stephanie Rigg [00:01:40]:
Yeah, likewise. So maybe we could start by you just introducing yourself and giving everyone a bit of a feel for what you do and the kinds of people that you usually help in your work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:01:54]:
Yes, I am Dr. Morgan Anderson. I am the host of the let's get vulnerable podcast and I help women heal and have high self worth so that they can attract the relationships they my, I call it like my former life. I was a clinical psychologist, I still am a clinical psychologist. And then I saw how big of a gap there was in terms of attachment theory and people knowing about attachment theory and how to apply it to their dating lives. And I started this coaching business about four years ago and now have had the pleasure of coaching over 500 women and helping them become more securely attached and step into their high self worth version of themselves. So it's been a wild ride the last four years and I love what I do. And of course, as you know, Stephanie, for a lot of us who are drawn to this field, this really was a calling for me because it was my own personal struggle.
Stephanie Rigg [00:03:09]:
To say, is there that thread of personal story that led you to really knowing how deeply this was needed and having walked that path yourself?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:03:19]:
Yes. Isn't that the case for those of us that really run with this? It starts with the personal story, and that was certainly the case for me of experiencing childhood trauma that then led me to really painful dating patterns all through my twenty s. And then I tell people that my rock bottom moment really was when I was dating a narcissist. And that relationship just got to a very unhealthy place, and I was kind of at that fork in the road of, I can keep doing this, but I know I am causing so much damage to myself and every relationship I go through is just getting more and more painful. So at that rock bottom place, I decided I need to heal, and I really threw myself into researching attachment theory and ways to rewire your belief system. I'm really happy to say I'm three years into a wonderful, healthy, securely attached partnership, and I think if it's possible for me, it's really possible for anyone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:04:30]:
Yeah, it sounds like there are some common threads in our respective stories there, because I had a similar experience of when I was younger, my first two long term relationships were, I think, just probably by pure luck, were quite healthy. But then I had this relationship in my mid 20s, which was really not healthy at all. Very dysfunctional, like very classic anxious, avoidant, every expression of that dynamic. And it was really only through that experience, as stressful as it was. And I look back and it's quite amazing to me that I persisted in it because I stayed in it for three years. Amazing to me that I persisted through so much dysfunction and so much just like, striving and pushing all the time, every day. But I really don't regret it at all because it was that that pushed me to the bring. And in a funny sort of way, I can look back now and see that the patterns that really came to the fore in that relationship were sort of latent in me in those earlier relationships, but they sort of weren't brought out as much because the relationship was more secure.
Stephanie Rigg [00:05:44]:
But it was only in really seeing those parts of myself that were exacerbated through that dynamic that I was able to then go, okay, this needs my attention. As much as it has a nice story to tell myself that it's all his fault because he's just a bad guy. There's a part of me that's getting something out of this because I didn't just walk away at the start right. There were all of the signs there. And I, for some reason, was attracted to that challenge. And so I think that having those experiences, it's not like we need to go and seek out awful relationships for the sake of growth. But I think when we can look back and go, okay, there's something in this that's more than just, oh, I just attract all the bad guys. It's like, well, what is it within me that is attracted to that? That really gives us a lot of fertile ground for growth and self exploration and healing if we're brave enough to do that work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:06:42]:
Oh, so powerful for you to share that. It makes me think about the concept repetition compulsion, which, you know, where we are in our adult relationships, repeating unfinished business from our childhoods. And yes, there are those relationships like the one you described, where it is your unfinished business just staring at you. You can't avoid it. And you see those wounds that have never been examined or never been healed. And yes, it is an opportunity to do that deeper work so that we can then intentionally go into our future relationships. So it's a very empowering way to look at it. And I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:07:30]:
I'm incredibly grateful for that relationship that I went through because, yes, it was probably my most toxic relationship, and it is the one that made me say, this pattern has to stop and to finally really see my wounds. So, yeah, I'm with you now. I have a lot of gratitude for it. At the time, I didn't, but now I do.
Stephanie Rigg [00:07:57]:
Yeah, totally. So is there kind of an archetype of person who you're seeing again and again? Like, who are the kinds of people that you're working with? What are the things they're struggling with? Is there a pretty clear pattern or a few key patterns that you're seeing?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:08:14]:
Yeah, a lot of the people that I work with have found themselves in relationships that don't end well or relationships that don't meet their needs, or they're constantly attracted to that emotionally unavailable partner who can't meet them? I work with both anxiously attached and avoidantly attached individuals, and also a lot of disorganised attachment. As you know, that's really common in my work, since that's so connected to early childhood trauma. And I think that oftentimes with disorganised attachment, we can just find ourselves in really painful dynamics. And then those folks are a little bit more motivated to seek help. So a lot of disorganised attachment, but women will come to me when they say, okay, I've blamed the dating pool. I've blamed all the guys, but now I'm taking ownership. I am the common denominator. I want to own my role in this and they're so ready to heal and do the work and they just don't want to be in pain in their relationships anymore.
Stephanie Rigg [00:09:32]:
Yeah. That sense of exasperation, of, like, surely it's not meant to be this hard. I'm looking around me and it feels like other people are managing to do this. And despite my best intentions and the fact that I really want a relationship, why does it keep ending the same way? Why do I keep finding myself? And I think a lot of what I see and hear from people is they're attracted to someone that really seems all kind of picture perfect until it isn't. And not only is that painful to play out, but every time you play it out, your self trust just kind of withers, right? Your ability to go, oh, do I just have terrible judgement because I thought things were one way and now it's this 180. And so then that really erodes my sense of self moving into the next relationship and the next person I meet, because I'm scared of my own, scared of myself, scared of my patterns. And so there's like this internal vigilant, just like this barren self trust environment. And I think that when we combine that with general anxiety or.
Stephanie Rigg [00:10:46]:
I talk a lot about how I think much of the time when we're afraid of something, we're afraid of our own feelings, I don't want to experience that because of the embarrassment or the rejection or the shame or the hurt that I might feel if that thing comes to pass. And so we just end up in overdrive and it sucks all of the joy out of it. I think there's just like, from all of these angles, people are having a really hard time navigating this, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:11:18]:
Oh, I love that you mentioned this about self trust. That is such a key. And I do think that's a common thread in people that I work with, is just that disconnection from self and being unable to tell, okay, what is my past trauma? Or what is my insecure attachment style versus what is my inner knowing? What is the truth? What is my gut? And I know when you get to that place, it does, it just makes dating exhausting. And then you get a lot of people who overcorrect and they say, I'm never going to date again. And they're not in the dating scene. Right. They're giving up on love and just going to travel the world with their girlfriends. But then at the end of the day, they admit to themselves they do want partnership and they realise, okay, I have to go about dating differently and I think that speaking of self trust, for so many people, you probably find this. It started early on, that disconnection from self.
Stephanie Rigg [00:12:34]:
Yeah. And I think that one of the hardest things and something I hear time and time again and something I've experienced myself is like, how can I trust myself when I had this paranoia or this fear and it came to fruition and so it's like banking evidence in favour of the fear story that's telling me I was right. And so that protective part of me that's on the lookout, that's hyper vigilant, that's snooping or that's paranoid. When it gets proven right by an experience or a relationship, then that only bolsters the perceived importance of that pattern going forward. It's really hard from that place to go, okay, I'm going to just drop that and stop doing it because it feels like it's serving such an important protective function. And so I think there's all of these pieces that are operating there to keep us really entrenched in our patterns and we just keep spinning around in them.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:13:30]:
Yes, it's so true. And I love when people start to build self trust and they're gaining that inner knowing and they're hopefully moving towards secure attachment. I see those things as being so interconnected and they're able to feel when something is off early on. I've had so many clients who go, oh, my gosh, now that I've done this work and I'm moving towards secure attachment, I know that I just saved myself six months of games, six months of heartache. I felt it early on. I trusted myself and something that in the past, I would have just predicted it and catastrophized and yes, it would have happened. I was able to just remove myself early on and I think there's so much, oh, gosh, it's just such a big win to me. When we know what to invest our energy into early on and we can feel it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:14:34]:
I guess it's preventative heartbreak. I love that so much. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:14:40]:
I think that it's probably not something that happens overnight, but you can, over time doing this work, take stock and go, yeah. Things that used to be attractive to me, I'm just so not interested in that kind of gameplaying or just that kind of energy, like flakiness, inconsistency doesn't do anything for me anymore in a way that it would have, once upon a time, really lit my system up and sent me into some sort of like, made me go in for more to investigate or to try and clarify or to gather information. It's just like that falls away a bit and you cease to be drawn to that kind of dynamic because you've built enough of the new stuff within you that's like, oh, that doesn't feel like a fit anymore for where I'm at, where I'm going.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:15:31]:
Yes, I love that so much. When you can start to feel that shift within you of being attracted to secure attachment and a securely attached relationship. I remember when I was doing this work on myself and feeling like, where did all of these good, emotionally available men come from? Did they just fall from the sky? Where have they been? The reality was I just wasn't attracted to them when I was in my disorganised attachment place. So it's so true that we can really change who we are attracted to and what kind of relationship dynamic is attractive to us.
Stephanie Rigg [00:16:16]:
Yeah, I posted something yesterday which was from a previous podcast episode and it was along the lines of when we've been in those really inconsistent, kind of chaotic, dysfunctional relationships, that intermittent reinforcement that we get is so addictive. And so when we then start to step towards healthier relationships, it can feel like it's just not doing much for us in those early transitional stages when you're doing this work. And I think a lot of people will experience that and relate to that, this sense of healthy feeling. Boring at first, yes. When your system is really calibrated to spikes and chaos and the person who is kind of mean to you or doesn't meet your needs or is really unavailable most of the time, but then they turn up and they take you out to dinner, that's going to feel so much better for your system when you're used to that than the person who takes you out to dinner every week and is really consistent and available, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:17:25]:
Absolutely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:17:26]:
So recognising that, recognising that, that's a powerful system. And being really conscious about, like, which part of myself do I want in the driver's seat here? The part that is going to respond really automatically to those old patterns. Do I want to be led by that kind of like pinball machine lighting up inside me and just follow the feeling? Or do I want to make really conscious decisions in the direction of what I know is best for me and what I know is right for me? Because I think if we do just keep following those familiar feelings, we're going to follow them down familiar paths to familiar dynamics with familiar relationships, we know what we want.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:08]:
Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:18:09]:
And then we go, oh, why does this keep happening to me?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:18:12]:
Exactly. I love that you're talking about this. We talk about this in my community a lot. And one of the sayings I have is secure is sexy because it is part of that rewiring the brain to adjust to a new normal, to say, wow, emotional availability is really attractive and starting to learn that there's different levels of intimacy that come with that and a different kind of intimacy that is stable and predictable. I think what we find, and I don't know, this is my own personal experience, my clients experience. Maybe you relate to this, of when you've been in that for a while and you're starting to normalise into it, you then see, oh, wow, this is really attractive, this is really amazing and really different from anything I've had before. And I don't even know how to really put it into words. But you know what I'm saying, right?
Stephanie Rigg [00:19:17]:
It's like this deep nourishment that your system can actually just rest in relationships. And I think if you've always had a lot of insecurity, if that's been kind of the dominant force of your relationships has been stress and insecurity, it's probably just like the medicine that you didn't realise how deeply you needed it to actually just be able to rest in the safety of a relationship.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:19:42]:
I love that word rest because the word that comes to me is relax. That ability to relax into love and to create a partnership that really feels like home, that is easy. There's so much joy and love that comes from that, that so many people with relational trauma in their childhoods have probably never experienced that kind of relationship before.
Stephanie Rigg [00:20:14]:
Of course there's trust in it, right? It's really hard to trust that it's real. And so we can go so quickly to trying to find the problem or trying to find where it's all going to fall apart. When's the other shoe going to drop? When's it all going to go south? Because that's just what we know and that's what we've been really primed to expect, right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:20:38]:
Yes. And people who are becoming secure will have extinction bursts. You've heard of that term where you're learning this new behaviour, you're becoming securely attached and then your brain goes, hey, but what about this insecure attachment behaviour? What about all these old protest behaviours? That we've used before. Are you sure you don't want these? And then they come back with a vengeance. Right. So I have these women that I'm helping and they'll say, oh, my gosh, I was doing so well and then all of a sudden I had this huge anxious attachment spiral and really, that's extinction. Bursts of the brain saying, well, hey, this was our old way of being. This worked for us for a really long time.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:21:27]:
Are you sure you don't want this?
Stephanie Rigg [00:21:29]:
Yeah, well, I think when we've got those protective strategies that feel so deeply etched into us, it's like muscle memory. It's like if you're right handed, you're learning to write with your left hand and it's just like, oh, the pull to the old way. Those parts of you that really are protective, right, and were once adaptive, it can feel really scary. For those parts to feel like you're trying to make them go away, it's like, oh, you are bad, and I'm going to make you stop now. It's why I really emphasise approaching ourselves with self compassion and not being like, oh, I'm so fucked up, I'm so broken, I've just got to stop being so anxious or I've got to stop being so scared. Makes a lot of sense, right? My anxiety. What's my anxiety trying to keep me safe from. What's my anxiety trying to tell me and recognising that.
Stephanie Rigg [00:22:27]:
That part of you or those parts of you have been working really tirelessly to keep you safe for a really long time and that that's not something we need to make go away. We just need to maybe look at whether that's still adaptive to our current situation and environment and what we're working towards. And to the extent that it isn't, it's like, well, okay, can I come up with some new tools and new ways of doing things that are maybe a better fit for where I am and where I'm going?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:22:56]:
Absolutely. When we are critical or we shame those parts of ourselves, we just maintain them and then we can make them bigger, we make them come out sideways. So 100% agree with you of compassion, kindness, curiosity, being willing to explore, what's the story I'm telling myself there? What needs a little bit more healing? What's the wound that's coming up? Right. And then I teach this in my programme about how do we then have compassion and then say, how do I realign with this securely attached version of me and what does my current healthy coping look like, but so many people, they don't do the compassion right. They're just beating themselves up and then they just want to try to move back to a healthier version. But we know you won't be able to move through things without that compassion. It's so needed.
Stephanie Rigg [00:24:02]:
Yeah, I think I often say the shame, it's just layering more and more stress onto a system that's already in a lot of stress. If I'm just making myself wrong for everything about my experience and when unworthiness and low self esteem is already at the heart of a lot of that, punishing ourselves, beating ourselves up, criticising ourselves, not going to make that better, right? That's just going to make that feel more true. All of our stories of low self esteem, low self worth. So I think that recognising that we have to turn things around there and that really starts within. It's going to be very hard to do any kind of meaningful growth or healing work from a place of shame and solve criticism. It just tends not to work very well.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:24:50]:
It's so true. It's so true. And then I think once people are in that more secure place or they've done some of that inner work and they're building their self worth, then what I know we probably both see is where people start to have new relationship experiences. I call these corrective emotional experiences. Right. And what I love about that is then you're gaining evidence for the healthy relationship, for the secure relationship. And I know how significant that is for people in their healing process.
Stephanie Rigg [00:25:31]:
Yeah, and I would say that's true even if you don't go on to be in a long term relationship and marry the person. It's just like, can I allow myself to really receive the goodness of this experience irrespective of what happens? I think the more we shift away from some of those insecure patterns, the more we can just be open to presence and curiosity in the dating process, in getting to know someone. And even if it's not a great fit, you might just find yourself really nourished by a connection over dinner and talking to someone and feeling a level of authenticity and confidence within yourself. That can be a beautiful corrective experience, even if it doesn't go anywhere or nothing becomes of it. I think that think it we are, then the more we can take all of that in and really receive it and receive the benefit of it. Whereas when we're in that really constricted anxious space, it's just such a strong negative bias. So it's like everything feels like a failure or a setback, just not perfect. And that's what we're trained to see and that's really what we take in.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:26:43]:
Oh, I love that you're talking about this because one of the things I would want to share is this idea that really healthy, secure attachment is the foundation in dating. And so many of us, if we don't have that foundation, we're getting stuck in those anxious, avoidant or unhealthy relationship patterns. And that's kind of really easy to pull us in and just get us stuck in that place. But when we have secure as the foundation, then we get to this really juicy, fun, exciting level of dating where we're able to actually look at compatibility and values and how do I want to feel? It's almost like the next level. I know for a fact when I was in an insecure attachment place, dating was just kind of this challenge and I was so wrapped up in fear of abandonment that I just wanted to make somebody like me and choose me. I couldn't access compatibility because I was so focused just on that attachment level. So I just think it's so powerful when just as you said, you get to a secure place, you're in this abundance mindset, you know your worth and then you're just exploring compatibility and values and do I even like this person? Is this someone where our lifestyles match up? Right. It's just such a juicier, more fun place to be.
Stephanie Rigg [00:28:16]:
Yeah. And I think that everything you say there around the sole criterion being like, does this person like me? For a lot of people, particularly with more anxious attachment patterns, it's just like they really like me. So great, let's go. And there's no sense of reciprocity around, like, am I scoping out whether I like them or am I just feeling really flattered, lit up like that deeply unworthy part of me loves the attention and loves someone pursuing me. And that's kind of all I need to get myself hooked into the pattern. And I think that when we tend to that part of us so that it's not so susceptible to those little bursts of ego attention, then the much better place we are to have a balanced approach where we are there and we're thinking about like, as you say, how do I want to feel? What are my values? What are my non negotiables? What are the things that are really important to me in a partner, in a relationship? And I think the other side of that, it's kind of this balancing act of we want to have clarity. And we want to be able to advocate for those things. And we don't want to be too rigid or prescriptive, like, we want to be open to being surprised by someone.
Stephanie Rigg [00:29:32]:
And I think that having that secure base within ourselves allows us to walk that line in a way that, as you say, is kind of fun, or at least feels like a totally different energy to a very constricted, anxious, rigid way of doing things, which is just kind of bracing for fear and trying to get someone to like us, which is not fun. Right?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:29:59]:
Yes. I think about this deep knowing of, hey, if I've already chosen myself and I know my worth, and I've released some of my unfinished business from the past, then I can really approach dating with this blank slate. And I'm not here trying to get you to choose me. I've chosen myself. And it is just such a different approach. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:30:29]:
And I imagine as well, a key piece of that is I'm not making it mean anything about me at a fundamental level. If you like me or you don't, or however it plays out, I can be somewhat. It's not that we become immune to that. I think you can be really securely attached and still have hurt feelings or be disappointed or upset if something doesn't work out and you were really excited about it, but you don't take that additional step of like, what's wrong with me? This always happens. No one's ever going to like me. Those old stories that come up and drag us down, I think you can just be with that, whatever the emotion is without taking that additional step of telling really painful stories about yourself and letting that impact your worth at a really fundamental level.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:31:18]:
Oh, it's so true. So true. And I think about all of my years of, I'll call it unconscious dating, where I did have all those negative beliefs about myself, and I would just use whatever negative experiences happened to me in dating as ways to confirm those really unhealthy beliefs about myself. So our brains are very good at looking to confirm whatever we believe and that we look to our environment. So that's why I really believe in doing this healing work and looking at your belief systems and releasing your past so that when you do go into dating, it's a blank slate weighed by all of that. Yes.
Stephanie Rigg [00:32:09]:
So if we were to pivot to giving people a bit of a sense of the how on all of this, I feel like we've painted the picture of why you'd want to do it and what's possible. What does the how look like I love this question.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:32:25]:
I think it's a very important one. One of the first pieces is the commitment of I really do want to work on myself and I know how important this work is. So just making that decision and releasing expectations on how long it's going to take it is a journey. So I think that's very important of I make the commitment, however long it takes. The second piece would be awareness. You have to understand what are my current patterns, what is my attachment style. And then I take my clients through something called a relationship inventory, where we really look at all the dynamics of past significant relationships. That's part of the awareness piece, processing those old woundings and being willing to look at it.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:33:17]:
I'm not one of those coaches who's going to come on here and say, oh, just write out the life that you want and say your affirmations and then you'll have exactly what you want. That's not how healing works. The only way forward is through, as you know. So I really believe in examining our past in the beginning. Yeah.
Stephanie Rigg [00:33:41]:
And I think that intention setting is great and conscious awareness is great. And as we talked about earlier, there's a doing piece here. We actually have to step out into the world and let our system, our being, live out another version of things. Because if we have a lot of evidence banked up as to why our old beliefs or our old experiences are true and the only way, then no amount of journaling or visioning is going to be enough to shift that. It's a really great start, but it's only part of the story there. And I think that having that lived experience is invaluable. We really can't land in that new reality until we're feeling it in our body in a really experiential way.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:34:37]:
Absolutely, yes. So, yeah, definitely the awareness piece, being willing to show up differently with behaviours as you're describing, and showing up with new ways of being. I also really believe in identifying your securely attached identity. So getting really familiar with what would secure attachment look like in practise. So many of us don't have that model, we wouldn't even know what it would be. So really defining your securely attached identity and then using self compassion, use it to realign with that securely attached self when needed. So I guess those are some of the core things. I know we could probably spend a few hours going over the exact path, but I really believe in awareness.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:35:36]:
Rewire your brain with really healthy beliefs about yourself and relationships. Learn about your securely attached identity. Create that very clearly and then practise showing up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:35:51]:
Yeah, I would also add to that something that I will often say to people is like, when you're working on building your self worth in relationships or in dating, it can really help to work on building your self worth outside of that context as well. Because I think that particularly if you're, again, more anxious in your patterns and your tendency is for all roads to lead back to relationships. Right. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing it to find a partner and to be loved. I think sometimes if we're really laser focused on that, even if we're doing all this good work, can be with like, the strings attached of, I'm doing it so that someone will love. And so I think there can be huge benefit in broadening out our scope and going, okay, securely attached version of me would also have all of these other things going on in my life, right? And maybe I'd be practising more self discipline in other areas, maybe I'd be challenging myself, maybe I'd be taking up a hobby or whatever, but not having it all be in this very narrow funnel that is about securing a partner. Because I think the reality is that securely attached people do have much more balanced lives. And that sense of self worth is not just relational in nature, it's really essential to your identity and your self image.
Stephanie Rigg [00:37:18]:
And so I think that can be hugely helpful and pay really big dividends to broaden out the lens a little. And I know for me that that was a really big piece in building that up for myself and eventually leaving that relationship that I was in was that I was not even really focused on the relationship so much. I think I'd started to kind of detach from it, but I didn't quite have the courage or the confidence to pull the trigger and leave. But in the background, I was doing all of this stuff to really focus on, I suppose, anchoring in my own value and my own efficacy and capability. And these things that were not about love or romance or partnership, they were just about like, no, you're a valuable person and you've got this right, you're strong and you're capable. And I think that having those experiences in a kind of broad way can be really, really helpful. When it comes back to all of.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:19]:
This stuff, I love that you mentioned this. It's so powerful. I wrote a quote that did well on social media, and I think it's because it's a metaphor for this idea. But I said something along the lines of the kind of relationship where you're not my entire world, but you're my favourite continent to visit.
Stephanie Rigg [00:38:45]:
Yeah.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:38:46]:
Because I really love that idea. We cannot have our relationship be our entire world. It's not healthy for us. It's not healthy for our partners. My partner and I, three years together, we do something called solo Saturdays. We do whatever really fills us up as individuals on Saturdays. And we know that we need that time, and it's incredibly important. He's a fly fisherman.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:15]:
He loves fly fishing. And in my old relationships, I know I would have tried to force myself to take on his hobby to learn.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:25]:
How to fly fish.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:39:26]:
I can't tell you how grateful I am that I am in this secure place. I am not buying a fly fishing rod. I'm not learning to fly fish. I celebrate that that's his. And I have my own hobbies. And it is very important to maintain that sense of self and you as the individual, knowing that that is so important to your own happiness and also to your ability to be a good partner.
Stephanie Rigg [00:39:55]:
Yeah, I completely agree. And I think the more that you can, if you're single at the moment, cultivate that really proactively and consciously and use that time when you do have more space to really figure that out for yourself. Because I think it's easy to fall into relationships and to get a little bit lazy and to kind of collapse into the relationship and kind of do everything together. It's like, figure that out while you're single. It's not that you can't do it while you're in a relationship, but it's a beautiful opportunity to figure that out while you're single and then be really aware of it and be really kind of diligent about keeping up those things. Because if for no other reason, then I think it's so rewarding on an individual kind of self level. But it's also much better for the relationship. It's much more attractive to have that separateness and to have distinctive lives rather than just to be kind of one entity again.
Stephanie Rigg [00:40:52]:
I think the insecure parts of us, particularly more anxious patterns, love that idea of just let's enmesh and become one, and then I'll feel safe because I'll have my claws sunk into you so deeply that I'll always know where you are, what you're doing, and I'll never lose you. Right? Yeah, but it's not sexy. Suck the oxygen out of it. Yeah. I think there's really a lot more to be gained from very deliberately fostering and holding on to that full, vibrant sense of self and then to be able to enjoy that in each other and appreciate that rather than becoming complacent and sloppy about those things.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:41:37]:
It's so true. Desire needs a bridge to cross, as Esther Perel says. We need that distance to be able to create desire. I say something much less sophisticated than that. I always say boundaries are hot. They really are. Boundaries are very attractive. So knowing what your boundaries are with your time and being able to maintain that no matter where you are in a relationship, I think that is one of the things that leads to healthy long term relationships.
Stephanie Rigg [00:42:15]:
Yeah, agreed. What would you say to people who are in the early stages of dating someone and who experience that urge to just fast track everything, to get to that place of certainty and kind of lock it down, because that in between space can feel really anxiety inducing, can feel really wobbly. What would be your advice for people who are in that kind of interim phase of dating?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:42:42]:
I definitely have a few pieces. One is something I call reality testing. It's something that's using cognitive behavioural therapy of slowing down and actually taking stock of what is the reality here. How much time have I spent with this person? What do I actually know about them? Given where we are, what is the appropriate emotional investment? And one way I like to really frame this is, is there enough secure attachment in the relationship? Aka, do I know this person well enough? Have they earned my vulnerability right? Has that been established enough to support the level of emotional investment? So sort of thinking about it as like the foundation of a house, if it's not there, then I can't build on it. And reminding yourself, you owe it to yourself to slow down. Let someone earn your vulnerability, let someone show you that they can build secure attachment and really pace your emotional investment.
Stephanie Rigg [00:43:59]:
Which can feel so counterintuitive for a lot of people, right? It's like the opposite of everything that their body's telling them to do, which is like, faster, faster, faster, faster. Let's jump ahead to the part where we've said I love you and we move in together and I don't have to deal with all of this uncertainty. But as you say, I think that skipping ahead can come at a cost because you're kind of building the walls without the foundation there, to use your analogy. And that typically comes back to bite you. You realise that you haven't really done the legwork to justify the level of emotional attachment and investment that you've poured into this thing. And then if it does crash and burn, it's going to hurt a lot more because we had so much riding on it, there was so much pressure on it, there was so much investment that was maybe just disproportionate to reality.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:44:57]:
Exactly. And think about yourself as an intentional investor. We'd say that with the stock market, it's no different with your relationships of, hey, I need to really know, is this right for me? And your energy, your time, your love, that is your most valuable resource. So really just seeing it as, hey, I really do need to be intentional with how I'm investing this. And just like in the stock market, we want return on investment in relationships. Is this creating secure attachment? Is this something that can grow? Do I feel how I want to feel? You need to be willing to slow down and be that love scientist that's gathering the data on those things. And yes, it is so hard when that's not what you're used to doing. It can feel so foreign.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:45:52]:
But remember, if you want a different result, you have to show up differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:45:58]:
Yeah. And I think also just reminding yourself that that urgency is, that's not a reliable feeling. Right. And that's probably not what we want to be, just blindly following. I think for a lot of people it's like, but if I slow down, what if they lose interest? It's like, probably not going to happen. And if it does, then that wasn't the person.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:46:23]:
Right.
Stephanie Rigg [00:46:24]:
If it's that feeble and flimsy that you slowing down and pacing this appropriately means they lose interest, then that's really good information too. Not your burst. If it's as amazing as it feels, it will still be there at a more sustainable pace and it'll probably be all the more amazing for you slowing down and taking that time. But as you say, I think that when we're trying to forge a new path, we have to be really prepared to not just do things because we feel a certain way. Well, I feel this, so I have to act in that way. Well, you have a little bit more agency than that. And reminding yourself of your capacity to choose something different, as strong as the feelings might be and it might be so overpowering, so overwhelming. But just like grounding yourself, coming back, okay, as you say right here, right now, what do I know to be true? What choices do I have available to me? What's the right thing for me to do? And hopefully on the other side of that process of kind of reorienting and grounding, it feels a little more spacious and a little less burgeon and catastrophic.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:47:42]:
Absolutely. I love how you describe that. I think about this in real life of, okay, you have the decision, what would that securely attached version of me do? And they probably wouldn't send the 17 text messages. They would go to yoga with their friends like they had planned. Right. We always have that option of, how am I showing up? What am I aligning with? And I'll tell you this. I think some of the first times you start to slow down and intentionally decide how empowering that is and learning, oh, I can slow down. I don't have to let my anxious brain or my avoidant brain decide what I do.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:48:27]:
I can be intentional and decide differently.
Stephanie Rigg [00:48:30]:
Yeah. It's almost like knowing that your first thought is going to be probably coming from the old part and just, like, waiting for the second thought, slow it down and not just shoot from the hip, because there's a really good chance that that fear brain is going to be sending you down an old path that might not be where you want to be headed. So just knowing that about yourself, and I suppose it comes back to that self awareness, and that was a huge part of my journey and my growth is just like, being able to notice it being like, oh, that's my anxious brain telling me to do the anxious thing. And I don't have to follow that. I can actually choose something different. I think the more it's like doing reps of an exercise at the gym, the more reps you do, the easier it feels, the more confident you are in that being an option available to you. And over time, the new way feels more natural than the old way. And that's a really powerful thing to experience.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:49:31]:
It is. I love that you said that. That's so true. And I think early on it's hard to believe that, but we know that to be true, that it really can become your more natural way of being.
Stephanie Rigg [00:49:44]:
Thank goodness. I know. Thank goodness. It really is something for me when I think back to some of the things that I would do by default that now would be so unnatural, like in conflict or it's like I wouldn't reach for those things anymore. It's not how we do things, because I've actually got this new way that works a lot better for me and doesn't cost my system so much, and there's a lot of peace and relief in having that. So it's very important work.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:50:15]:
Yes, it is. Yeah. And wow, what a gift you've given to your community. I've had the pleasure of listening to your show, and I'm just amazed at how much you've put out there and how good you are at explaining everything and sharing. I know you've helped so many people on their healing path.
Stephanie Rigg [00:50:38]:
Thank you. I really appreciate that. And likewise, it sounds like you're doing a lot of really important work and much needed. I know that so many listeners of the show are very much in this space and experiencing a lot of those patterns and repeat dynamics. I'm sure there's a lot of people who are going to get a lot of value out of today's conversation. Before we wrap up, where can people find you if they want to go deeper on your work or familiarise themselves with your podcast, Instagram, all of that sort of stuff?
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:08]:
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. And really, the best place to connect with me is on my podcast. With over 400 episodes now, it's the let's get vulnerable podcast available anywhere podcasts are aired. And then I do also spend some time on Instagram, and that is at Dr. Morgan coaching. Dr. Morgan coaching.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:32]:
So happy to answer dms and I do a daily informational post there. But the podcast really is where all the juicy stuff is. So cheque out the let's get vulnerable podcast.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:46]:
Perfect. And we will link all of that in the show notes. Well, Dr. Morgan, thank you so much. It's been such a pleasure. It's been so lovely to have you. Thank you so much for joining us.
Dr. Morgan Anderson [00:51:57]:
Thank you for having me.
Stephanie Rigg [00:51:59]:
This was lovely.
Stephanie Rigg [00:52:03]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Anxious attachment, self-worth, healthy dating, rejection, self-improvement, secure attachment, relational trauma, self-compassion, shame, self-criticism, corrective emotional experiences, solo Saturdays, desire, emotional investment, intentional investing, self-awareness, self-trust, fear, relationship dynamics, Stephanie Rigg, Dr. Morgan Anderson, attachment theory, secure identity, coaching business, emotionally unavailable partners, disorganised attachment, healing relationships, personal experiences, clinical psychologist
#127 How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a never ending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others | On Attachment | Ep 127
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a neverending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
And yet, while comparison is arguably a universal human experience, it's undeniable that some of us struggle with the comparison trap more than others - sometimes to the point where it feels debilitating and destructive to our sense of self.
The Power of Self-Worth: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison - we all do it. Whether subconsciously or consciously, we find ourselves looking at others and assessing how we measure up. The urge to compare ourselves to those around us is deeply ingrained in human nature. However, this tendency can become a source of distress, leading to feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and anxiety. In this episode of On Attachment, we delve into the universal experience of comparison and explore strategies to break free from its grasp and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.
The Comparison Conundrum
From the moment we scroll through social media feeds to the interactions we have with colleagues and friends, the opportunities for comparison are endless. The modern world inundates us with a multitude of experiences, successes, and relationships from others, often leaving us feeling inadequate and perpetuating the illusion that everyone else is thriving while we are lagging behind.
The tendency to compare ourselves intensifies for individuals grappling with low self-worth. When we struggle to recognise and appreciate our own value, we are more prone to fixating on what we lack, as opposed to celebrating our strengths and unique attributes. This internal dialogue of not being good enough or not measuring up nourishes the cycle of comparison, perpetuating and reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
The Antidote to Comparison
While overcoming the impulse to compare ourselves to others may seem daunting, the key lies in nurturing our self-worth. Building self-worth is not an overnight transformation but rather a progressive journey requiring patience, commitment, and self-compassion.
Embracing self-worth involves a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, virtues, and contributions. It's about shifting the focus from what we lack to what we embody, recognising that our worth is not contingent on external validations.
Navigating the Relational Repercussions
The vicious cycle of comparison permeates into our relationships, influencing how we perceive and interact with others. Insecurity and low self-worth can manifest as jealousy, creating a perpetual state of suspicion and competition, even in the context of healthy relationships. The constant evaluation and comparison with others disrupt our ability to authentically connect and enjoy the company of others, leading to heightened anxiety and a sense of unease.
However, prioritising self-worth catalyses a transformative shift in our relational dynamics. By anchoring ourselves in a deep belief in our intrinsic value, we foster trust in ourselves and our relationships. This trust extends beyond external factors, allowing us to embrace our worth independently of others' opinions, strengthening our resilience and empowering us to set aside comparisons and build authentic connections rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Overcoming the Comparison Trap
The pursuit of self-worth can pave the way to freedom from the comparison trap. By cultivating self-worth, we detach ourselves from the need for approval or validation from external sources. We begin to appreciate our inherent worth, paving the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling life. Furthermore, the ripple effect of enhancing our self-worth transcends comparison, extending to other facets of our lives, such as reducing the tendency to people-please and nurturing resilience in the face of adversity.
Escaping the comparison trap is not about eradicating awareness of others' achievements or experiences, but rather reframing our perspectives. It's about acknowledging others' journeys while steadfastly reaffirming our own unique path. By grounding ourselves in self-worth, we tap into a wellspring of confidence and assurance that empowers our relationships and allows us to experience life authentically and unencumbered by comparisons.
A Journey Towards Greater Self-Worth
The road to self-worth is a continuous, evolving process, requiring active engagement and commitment. While it involves confronting internal dialogues and navigating emotional complexities, the rewards are immeasurable. As we embark on this journey, we bask in the newfound freedom from the confines of comparison. We liberate ourselves from the suffocating weight of unworthiness and usher in a profound sense of self-compassion, confidence, and empowerment.
In conclusion, as we rally against the seductive pull of comparison, we fortify our resolve to cultivate our self-worth. Embracing self-worth is the catalyst for untethering ourselves from the allure of comparison, nurturing resilience, and fostering authentic, fulfilling relationships. It's a commitment to ourselves, a testament to our inherent value, and an affirmation of our individual narratives, unencumbered by the shadow of comparison.
Embracing Self-Worth
In the pursuit of self-worth, we shatter the confines of comparison, celebrating our intrinsic value and paving the way for a life characterised by authenticity, fortitude, and genuine connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you personally struggle with comparison in your daily life? Do you find yourself caught in a pattern of comparing your life, achievements, or appearance to others? How does this impact your self-worth and relationships with others?
How has the oversupply of information in today's culture affected your sense of self-worth and comparison to others? Do you feel pressured to measure up to the standards presented in social media and popular culture? How does this impact your mental well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt threatened or insecure in a relationship due to comparison with others. How did this affect your ability to authentically connect with your partner or potential partners? In what ways do you feel your insecurities may have impacted the relationship dynamic?
Consider the role of building self-worth in mitigating comparisons. How can focusing on your own self-worth help reduce the impact of external influences and comparisons? In what ways can building self-worth positively impact your relationships with yourself and others?
Have you noticed any patterns of performing, people-pleasing, or seeking validation in your relationships and social interactions? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth and comparison with others?
Reflect on your experiences with social anxiety. How does the fear of not measuring up to others affect your ability to authentically connect with people and form genuine relationships?
What actionable steps can you take to reduce the impact of comparison in your life and relationships? How can you cultivate a sense of self-worth that allows you to embrace authenticity and self-acceptance, regardless of external comparisons?
In what ways do you find yourself resisting the societal pressure to constantly compare yourself to others? How can you shift towards a mindset of opting out of the comparison game and embracing your own unique journey and strengths?
Think about a time when you found yourself instinctively sizing yourself up against someone else. How did this impact your thoughts and emotions? How do you envision responding to similar situations in a more empowered and self-affirming way in the future?
Consider exploring the concept of "enoughness" and how it relates to comparison and self-worth. How can you shift your mindset to embody a sense of being enough, independent of external comparisons and societal standards?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about comparison and how we can stop comparing ourselves to others. So I think that this is a topic that, although it was inspired by a question I received on Instagram, it's so universal and so relatable for, I think all of us, whether this is something that you really, really struggle with or maybe you just experience a regular human amount as we'll come to shortly, I do think that this is something that we're all going to encounter at various points in our life. This tendency to compare, to look over our shoulder to see what other people are doing and to see where we stack up relative to that. I do think that it's a very natural tendency, but I also think that some of us definitely go down that vortex more than others and can get really stuck there. And particularly if you're someone who struggles with unworthiness or insecurity, anxiety, I think these can all go hand in hand. And not only does that impact our relationship with ourself, our self confidence, our self esteem, but it can really bleed into our relationships with others.
[00:01:41]:
Again, as we'll come to talk about, I think that there's a lot of overlap. If you were to do a ven diagram of people who struggle with comparison and low self worth, with people who struggle with anxious attachment, who struggle with jealousy, who struggle with a fear of abandonment, all of these things, I think that might not be so obvious in their relationship to each other. When we start to dig a little deeper, we can see how there's lots of tendrils and webs linking them all together. So I'm going to be talking about that today. Why some of us struggle with comparison more than others, where that might be coming from, what purpose is that serving, and ultimately how we can start to build a greater sense of self worth, self confidence, in a way that allows us to not become immune to comparison. Because, as I said, I think we all go there sometimes. I know I certainly do. But in a way that we can be broadly comfortable with who we are, with what we have to offer, with our value, such that we're not so heavily focused on what everyone else is doing and how everyone else looks and trying to figure out where we sit on that scale, because I think that's a pretty exhausting way to live and almost always leaves us feeling worse about ourselves or at least feeling very insecure.
[00:02:59]:
So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick announcement. I'm really excited to be launching a brand new offering. It's called the secure self and it's a 28 day challenge that's going to be kicking off next month. So just before Valentine's Day, it's a four week challenge. It's going to be all about a lot of what we're talking about today, building self worth. And each week we'll address a different pillar of self worth, a different focus area. It's going to be really accessible, both in cost.
[00:03:32]:
It's the lowest cost offering that I've had for a while, but also in its delivery. So I'm going to do audio only lessons so you can listen to it all on your phone. It's just going to be a short lesson each week and then a challenge or a homework task, something like that, an implementation piece. There's going to be a pop up community so you can connect with others who are doing the challenge, which is always a really nice component. And there'll also be two live calls with me, so there's a lot of value packed into it. It's a nice, short and sweet 128 days and I think it hopefully will appeal to people across the spectrum. No matter your attachment style, no matter whether you're new to my work or whether you've done everything I've ever released. This will be quite distinct in, as I said, both the content and the delivery, and I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:04:19]:
So early bird enrollment for that is open as of today and the early bird pricing will be available for the next week. So definitely head to the show notes and cheque that out if you're interested. Or you can go straight to my website, @stephanierigg.com and check out all the details, including some more info on each of the themes and stuff like that. So would love to see as many of you in there as possible. I think it's going to be really good fun. Okay, so let's talk about comparison. So as I said at the start, I think I'm always mindful when we talk about comparison or people pleasing or self criticism, any of these things that, of course can be really challenging, but also are very human. I don't want you to feel like you have to add that to the list of things that are wrong with you? Oh no.
[00:05:07]:
I compare myself to other people. Does that mean that's another thing that I need to fix about myself? Of course. We all do this, right? We do it subconsciously and maybe we do it very consciously. We're aware of other people's appearances or other people's success or other people's relationships. All of these things. I think that we are, whether it's innate or we are all just conditioned to do it. I think having an awareness of what other people are doing, how they're presenting, how they're living their lives relative to ours is pretty normal. I think where it can get really challenging is in this day and age when we have such an oversupply of information and exposure to so many different people and so many different information sources, relationships, all of these things, we're really bombarded.
[00:05:54]:
And so there's a lot to feel bad about. It can create this illusion and this sense that everyone else is thriving and I'm not. Or everyone else is beautiful and successful and charming and funny and I'm just average because obviously the data that we're getting is pretty skewed in that direction because that's what content is pushed to us. And so I think that while this tendency to compare ourselves is a very natural one, it's probably on steroids in our modern culture. Add to that, if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth I think that you're likely to be really prone to comparison. More so than someone who's pretty comfortable within themselves. And that maybe sounds obvious, but I think that when we really struggle with believing in our own value and really kind of knowing who we are and what we have to offer and really owning our strengths and our value proposition as a person going, yeah, I'm a great friend and people really like my sense of humour and I'm really good at my job and I'm smart and I'm loyal and all of those things, we don't tend to do that very often. We don't tend to take stock of those things and really reflect that back to ourselves because our tendency is to focus on the lack.
[00:07:13]:
Right? I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not rich enough, I don't have the perfect relationship. And that's where our attention goes. And that's really where we then end up feeling pretty shitty about ourselves. That feeds it, right? The low self worth plants the seed or makes us prone or susceptible to that comparison, and then it kind of spirals from there because the comparison inevitably feeds the low self worth and so on and so forth. So I think if you know that about yourself, that you're already quite prone to comparison, that you have those struggles with self worth, that's just a really good thing to know and to recognise, because there's things we can do about that, right? Building self worth is not an overnight thing, but it's absolutely possible, and I can speak from personal experience that I definitely used to struggle with comparison a lot more than I do now. As I said, I'm not free of it now. It's not like I never fall into that trap, but I'm definitely less bothered by it, both on a personal level and certainly in a relationship. So I did mention that I kind of talk about the relational piece.
[00:08:17]:
And I think again, to use myself as an example, when I was younger, before I had done a lot of this work, I was pretty insecure. And I found it really easy to fall into that place of comparing myself, particularly to other women in the context of relationships, and feeling kind of subtly threatened by most other women, or even the women that I didn't feel threatened by. It was because I'd gone through a process of comparing myself to them and deciding that I didn't need to be threatened by them. But that was still in that mindset of assessing everyone as a competitor or a potential threat to how I felt about myself and how comfortable I felt in my relationship. And that was pretty exhausting, right? When I look back on that now, I can see that a lot of that was coming from a place of low self worth and not really believing in my value, thinking that everyone had something that I didn't, and really feeling that sense of not enough. I'm not enough of this, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, my clothes aren't as nice as that person. Like all of these little things that just kept me totally on edge and so uncomfortable within myself that I really didn't get to enjoy not only relationships, but kind of friendships and social settings. It just created this constant anxiety.
[00:09:45]:
Because I think when you are in that mode of sizing people up and assessment, it takes you out of presence. You don't get to just show up as yourself authentically and connect with other people as themselves authentically. You're always kind of in this mode of not inauthenticity, but performing and assessing and self protection. I don't think that that's really conducive to connecting authentically with others, which is really what we want. And frankly, it just kind of takes the fun out of it. I think for a lot of us who struggle with social anxiety, which is maybe something we need to do a whole nother episode on, because these days, more than ever, I think social anxiety is probably not talked about enough, but is so chronic and endemic that a lot of people have a really, really hard time with socialising, making friends, feeling confident in social settings, which has no doubt been exacerbated by a couple of years of isolation. But, yeah, I think that it feels really complicated, it feels really hard, it feels really intimidating. And the more that we are in this mindset of needing to prove ourselves and needing to show up in a certain way in order to be impressive or be likeable to perform, then that anxiety is only going to skyrocket because we put all this pressure on ourselves to be a certain way in order to achieve an outcome, rather than just being and letting that be enough.
[00:11:09]:
So what do we do with all of this? How do we stop comparing ourselves to others? Again, I think that there's probably always going to be this lingering thing where we are aware of what other people are doing and we might have a voice inside of us that does peer over our shoulder, peer over the neighbor's fence, so to speak, and see what other people are up to and how they are going, and how that stacks up against what we're doing, how we're going, how we're feeling, and either feeling temporarily better about ourselves because we assess ourselves as superior, or performing better, or ticking certain boxes that other people aren't. And so we get that kind of little ego boost, or we feel worse about ourselves because we've decided that they're ahead of us, or better than us, or superior to us. But either way, I think we're in that egoic kind of mindset that doesn't actually feed us at a deep level, it doesn't feel peaceful and it keeps us stuck in that. Because if you're in that hamster wheel, you kind of just have to keep playing it in order. Even if you are ahead, you've got to then stay ahead. Whereas I think stepping off the hamster wheel altogether and opting out of the game is probably a much more fruitful and rewarding way of being. So, all of that being said, it's kind of like all roads lead back to building your self worth. And I recognise that that's not like an easy, oh, great, I'll just go build my self worth and then everything will be resolved.
[00:12:38]:
That's a path and it's work and it's a process, right? A practise, we could call it. But it's a really rewarding one. And it's one that I talk about a lot, because I think that the ripple effect from focusing on building your self worth into all of these other areas of life, we can start to see that things like comparison, things like people pleasing, things like staying in relationships longer than we should, or pursuing relationships with people who are not really aligned or not really interested in us, these all kind of spring out from this place of low self worth. And when we start to work on that in a really committed and sustained way, we really make that a priority. It's amazing how organically all of these other things kind of fall away. They might not totally disappear, but they just become less relevant to us. They feel like less of a fit and comparison, I think, is one of them. Because ultimately comparison is trying to protect us, right? It's just feeding back information.
[00:13:40]:
Because a part of us is convinced that we're in competition with these people. And when that's the story that we're telling ourselves, then staying safe means winning. And so we feel like we have to do that and we have to kind of beat away all of the threats to our identity and our relationships. Whereas when we step out of that mindset and we really start to grow those seeds of self worth from the ground up, really within ourselves, then, as I said, all of those things just start to feel a little less important. And again, speaking from personal experience, things that I used to really, really struggle with in relationship, like jealousy was a big one. I was so aware of other women, even when there was nothing untoward, there weren't circumstances that warranted that. But I was inwardly just so wary of other women. I felt so threatened by them.
[00:14:32]:
And I really don't feel that anymore in my relationship because I trust in my value, I trust my partner, but I trust that even if anything were to happen, that that's not a comment on my worth. Because I really believe in my worth in a really embodied way. And I think that that's just quite profoundly healing to do that work and get to that place where it's not about never having wobly days, where you feel a little unsure of yourself or never having social anxiety. I certainly still don't like showing up to a room of people who, I don't know, that's not my comfort zone at all, but just feeling a little bit more anchored in who you are and letting that be okay and letting that be enough and knowing yourself and just kind of removing some of the heaviness of having to perform or emulate what other people are doing or copy other people or compete with other people. Because as I said, I think that that just is really, really draining. If nothing else, it's an exhausting way of living. And it's one of those things where insecurity begets more insecurity begets more insecurity. The downward spiral is real with all of those things because it really drags us down in our energy.
[00:15:51]:
But the inverse is also true. The upward spiral is possible and available to all of you if that's something that you're really committed to choosing and creating for yourself. And I should say I have other episodes. It's probably beyond the scope of today, just timing wise, but I do have other episodes on the how of building self worth. If that's something that you're more interested in diving into, you should be able to search that relatively easily and pull up those old episodes that give you a bit more of a roadmap on how you can start building self worth. I also have a free guided meditation on my website on building self worth, I should say. So you can go cheque that out. And of course, if you really want to go all in on this whole self worth thing, the secure self challenge will be starting in about a month, but the early bird pricing is available for the next week.
[00:16:38]:
So definitely go cheque it out if you're interested. If what I've shared today has resonated for you, as I said, my intention is for it to be a really fun, light hearted, enjoyable program for you to connect with each other, connect with me. So looking forward to that and looking forward to seeing hopefully lots of you in there. So thank you so much for joining me. I hope today's episode has given you something to think about. It's been helpful for you and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, comparison, insecurity, self-worth, self-confidence, anxiety, worthiness, jealousy, fear of abandonment, social anxiety, self-esteem, self-worth building, thriving relationships, people pleasing, performance, connection, personal development, emotional well-being, self-improvement, overcoming insecurity, guided meditation, attachment style, socialising, relationship coach, early bird pricing, pop up community, live calls, secure self challenge.