#164: 5 Unexpected Triggers of the Abandonment Wound
In today's episode, we're talking all about the abandonment wound — and specifically, five scenarios that might unexpectedly trigger your fears and insecurities around abandonment. When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with anxious attachment patterns.
In today's episode, we're talking all about the abandonment wound — and specifically, five scenarios that might unexpectedly trigger your fears and insecurities around abandonment. When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with anxious attachment patterns.
We'll cover:
How periods of grief or loss can trigger abandonment fears
Illness and wanting to be cared for
Dealing with unexpected life challenges
Periods of transition or major life changes
Emotional overwhelm and the need for support
5 Unexpected Triggers of the Abandonment Wound
The abandonment wound often lies at the heart of anxious attachment. Many may assume abandonment solely refers to physical desertion, but more frequently, the fear surfaces as emotional neglect. While some scenarios that trigger abandonment fears are straightforward, others are less conspicuous and can catch individuals off guard. Understanding these hidden triggers can be tremendously beneficial in managing the wound and nurturing healthier relationships.
Let's explore five unexpected scenarios that can trigger the abandonment wound.
Times of Grief or Loss
Experiencing grief or loss can be profoundly destabilising. Whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or even the loss of a pet, these periods of mourning make individuals vulnerable. One might become exceptionally sensitive to perceived emotional neglect during such times. Imagine feeling abandoned because a partner distracted themselves when they're needed most.
When grieving, it's beneficial to express needs explicitly. If a partner’s way of coping seems like neglect, communication can bridge the gap, fostering mutual understanding and support through tough times.
When You Are Sick
Illness can bring out the need for nurturing in everyone. When someone who is usually self-sufficient finds themselves unable to care for themselves, they might wish for their partner to step into a caretaking role. If a partner fails to meet these expectations or doesn’t show the level of care desired, it can feel like abandonment.
Consistent caretakers might sense a heightened resentment when their care isn't reciprocated during their own times of need. Communicating one's expectations and feelings about being cared for when ill can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of abandonment.
Unexpected Life Stressors
Unexpected misfortunes, such as car troubles, sudden travel delays, or other stress-inducing events, can make anyone feel helpless. During these times, there's often a surge of dependency on a partner for resolution and comfort. If the partner doesn't respond in the expected manner, it can elicit feelings of abandonment.
Recognise that every individual handles stress differently. Clarifying expectations and discussing potential responses to unexpected stressors can reduce the sense of abandonment and foster a collaborative effort to manage crises.
Major Life Changes and Transitions
Exciting life changes, such as a new job, moving cities, or becoming a parent, can be as stressful as they are thrilling. These transitions often create a need for additional support, attention, and care from a partner. When this support isn't forthcoming, feelings of abandonment can arise.
During significant transitions, clear and open communication about the support needed is crucial. This helps partners to understand how they can best support each other and ensures that no one feels neglected during critical life changes.
Emotional Overwhelm
Emotional overwhelm is a broad trigger encompassing many scenarios, such as conflicts in a relationship or challenges in other areas of life. In these moments, individuals with an abandonment wound might want their partner to 'fix' their emotional state. When the partner doesn't know how to do this, it can feel like a betrayal of trust and support.
Recognising that it’s often unfair to expect someone else to fix our emotions can be enlightening. Instead, asking for specific support—a hug, a listening ear, or even just presence—can be more productive and prevent the feeling of abandonment.
Strategies for Managing Abandonment Triggers
Managing these unexpected triggers requires self-awareness and proactive communication. Here's how to start:
Self-awareness
Developing self-awareness about one’s triggers and emotional responses is the first step. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can help individuals understand what situations heighten their abandonment fears.
Clear Communication
Expressing needs and expectations transparently can prevent misunderstandings. Whether it's requesting specific support during grief or conveying how one prefers to be cared for when ill, clear communication is essential.
Emotional Self-reliance
Building emotional self-reliance does not mean isolating oneself. It means cultivating the inner strength and skills to manage emotional upheavals without always seeking external validation or rescue. Practices like mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, and emotional regulation can be highly beneficial.
Understanding Partner's Perspective
Recognising and understanding how a partner deals with grief, stress, or emotional overwhelm is also crucial. This understanding fosters empathy and smoother collaboration during challenging times, reducing the likelihood of feeling abandoned.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing a strong fear of emotional abandonment? In what situations does this fear tend to show up most intensely for you?
How do you typically respond to feelings of abandonment or emotional neglect in relationships? What patterns or behaviours do you notice in yourself?
Reflect on a time when you felt abandoned or unsupported during a period of grief or loss. How did you communicate your needs to your partner, and how did they respond?
When you're feeling unwell or vulnerable, do you often expect your partner to take care of you in specific ways? How do you react if they don't meet those expectations?
Can you identify any major life changes or transitions that have triggered your abandonment wound in the past? How did you navigate these periods, and what support did you seek or need?
Think about a recent situation where you experienced emotional overwhelm. How did you seek support from your partner, and what was the outcome of that interaction?
Are there times when you project your way of handling stress or emotions onto your partner and expect them to respond in the same way? How does this impact your relationship?
Do you have difficulty asking for help or support? What fears or beliefs do you hold around vulnerability and the ability to rely on others?
Reflect on a moment when you felt emotionally abandoned. What stories or narratives did you tell yourself about your partner and their intentions? How did this affect your perception of the situation?
How can you practice more self-awareness and self-compassion in moments of emotional vulnerability? What steps can you take to communicate your needs more effectively and seek support in a healthy manner?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 unexpected triggers of the abandonment wound. So this was actually an email newsletter I sent out a couple of months ago, and I got so much feedback from it, people saying that it really hit the spot for them in terms of being very relatable and that they learned a lot about themselves. And so I thought to spin it into a podcast episode so that I can share it with all of you in case it also has that effect on you. So the abandonment wound is nothing new around here.
[00:01:04]:
We've talked about it a number of times on the podcast, and you can go back through all the episodes and dive into that in a little more detail in terms of the foundations of the abandonment wound, but I will give a quick recap of it here for those who are maybe less familiar or could use a refresher. You know, the fear of abandonment the abandonment wound is really at the heart of anxious attachment. It is the core wound of anxious attachment. And, you know, that can be strange to hear for a lot of people because while some of us may have some literal abandonment in our history, I would say most of us don't have a story of physical, literal abandonment in our childhood or our early life, such as would justify this intense fear of abandonment that we experience in our adult romantic relationships. And so, it can leave a lot of people wondering, Where did this come from and why me? Why do I struggle in this way? Why am I so afraid of abandonment? And I think, you know, the other kind of confusing part or the bit that catches people is that while there can be a fear of, again, physical abandonment, someone leaving us, oftentimes maybe the more pronounced fear or the thing that we experience more acutely is that fear of emotional abandonment. So this idea of you're not going to be there when I need you, and I'm going to be left alone with these big feelings that I don't know how to deal with. And so I think a lot of that can come up for us, and we can be kind of overly dependent on a partner to fix things, to make it all go away, to make it all better, in much the same way as a child would, you know, expect that of a parent. And we can really regress in those moments.
[00:02:46]:
And so in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing less about, you know, the 101 of the abandonment wound, which, as I said, you can go back and listen to all the episodes on that, but more around some unexpected triggers, scenarios that aren't really obviously related to abandonment, that are likely quite triggering for you if you're someone with more anxious attachment or you otherwise identify with this abandonment wound. And, you know, in sharing these sets of circumstances or situations, I suppose my intention is for you to be able to connect the dots a little and understand why those situations might feel quite triggering for you, why you might have a seemingly disproportionate response, why it might really sting if your partner doesn't show up for you in the exact way that you would hope. And having that greater awareness will allow you to understand a little better how to support yourself and how to ask for what you need from a partner in a way that is grounded and self aware and mature rather than reactive and coming from a fear place, which I think is often what we do when we're on autopilot, or we lack the conscious awareness of what's really driving us in those moments. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I do, I wanted to share a very, very exciting announcement. If you listened to last week's episode, you would have heard me share that I have launched a brand new membership community called On Attachment Insiders. In the past 6 months or so, having run programs like Healing Anxious Attachment and the Secure Self Challenge that have had a community component, I get this resounding feedback that people really, really appreciate and value the opportunity to not only learn with feedback from me, as I'm obviously part of the community, but alongside others who are on the same path and who understand and can give feedback and offer wisdom of their own, and I think provides people with a lot of comfort. And the thing I keep hearing is it's so amazing to know that I'm not alone in all of the things that I struggle with and that I fear, and that really is so powerful.
[00:04:49]:
So if you're someone who loves the podcast, loves everything that I talk about here, and you're maybe wanting to dip your toe into working with me, the membership's a really great entry point into that because it's really affordable. At the moment, I'm running a promotion for founding members, which starts at $10 a month. So it's really, really affordable, and it's a cancel anytime thing, so you're not locked in. So if you're interested in diving a little deeper and accessing some more resources on this, having a channel via which you can seek support from me and connect with others, I really, really encourage you to check out the Insiders membership. The link is in the show notes to that. There's already a library of resources there with written q and a responses, scripts for different conversations, like how to set a boundary in all of these specific instances, you know, how to voice needs, how to navigate challenging conversations in anxious avoidant relationships with, you know, suggested scripts on how you could approach those things. There's, 20 page workbook on boundaries. There's guided meditations.
[00:05:57]:
There's videos on nervous system basics and somatic practices. All of that, you can access for as little as $10 a month, and that's not even going into the community aspect and the support that you can get from me. People have been asking questions in the community, and I'm able to share voice note responses. It really is extremely valuable and very, very reasonably priced in my opinion. So if that's something that you're interested in, definitely check it out. Grab one of those founding member spots before they are all snapped up. So looking forward to sharing that and growing that community with all of you beautiful listeners from all over the world. Very, very excited to be able to go deeper with you and and get to know you better.
[00:06:40]:
Okay. So let's talk about these 5 unexpected triggers of the abandonment wound. So the first one is during times of grief or loss. So if you are going through some sort of grief, maybe it's the loss of a family member, the loss of a pet, or some other grief or loss, you may notice yourself being really sensitive to any sort of perceived abandonment. Again, usually emotional abandonment, but even, you know, if your partner goes out rather than staying at home with you or they say the wrong thing or they maybe make a suggestion to try and cheer you up that doesn't quite land for you, it's likely that you're going to be more reactive and sensitive to those perceived moments of feeling kind of dropped by them in those times of grief or loss, and that really, you know, makes a lot of sense. It's vulnerable. You're probably feeling very, very tender and in need of emotional support, And so someone not being there in the way that you want them to be can feel like a form of emotional abandonment. And when you know that you've got some wounding around that, it can feed these stories of you're not there for me when I most need you.
[00:08:00]:
And I think that bigger story can feel really, really painful and scary, particularly when we're going through grief or loss. So I think that's a really common one, and as will be the case in all of these examples that I'm going to share, if you're with a more avoidant partner who maybe grieves differently to you, who their preference when it comes to something like grief might be distraction or avoidance or numbing, and that's not what you would prefer or what you need. Or maybe they like to grieve in isolation, whereas you like to grieve in connection. All of those things can really exacerbate the sense of being emotionally abandoned if they are defaulting to their way of grieving rather than being attuned to what yours is. So that is one of the key triggers, of the abandonment wound, is during times of grief or loss. Okay. The second unexpected trigger of the abandonment wound is when you are sick and in need of care. So if you're experiencing some sort of illness, whether that's just a flu and you're feeling rubbish for a few days or you've broken your ankle or something, and you're feeling really unable to take care of yourself.
[00:09:10]:
I think particularly if you're someone who's usually the caretaker of others, you're usually the one tending to other people's needs and giving, and you sort of take care of yourself without much fuss behind the scenes. Being sort of debilitated by illness can make you feel really vulnerable and you might feel almost resentful of all of the ways in which you care for someone else and now they're not there to care for you in the way that you would like or maybe the way that you would care for them if the roles were reversed. I think that's always very telling when we have the inner dialogue of, if I were in your position, I would do x, y, and zed thing, and we get a little bit kind of righteous and uppity about, our way versus their way. So I think that when we are feeling sick or unwell, again, there's this part of us that just wants almost that parent energy, someone to come and take care of us and cook for us and pat us on the head or whatever it might be. When we're feeling a little bit kind of sad and pathetic and feeling sorry for ourselves, oftentimes we want someone to feel sorry for us as well and to really you know, show that with that quiet babying almost behavior. And I I say that from a kind of humorous but loving place. I think we can all do that sometimes, that we wanna be cared for in that way. And if our partner doesn't get that or they don't immediately understand that that's what we're wanting, that we're wanting that kind of care or we're wanting them to take on a caring role for us, even if usually we're pretty self sufficient, we can spin that around and be upset with them, judge them, blame them for abandoning us.
[00:10:51]:
Whether we realize it or not, oftentimes it is coming from that place of, you're meant to be taking care of me and you're not. Does that mean that you don't love me, or that I'm not important to you, we maybe don't feel prioritized. Maybe if we're feeling sick and we had plans, you know, to go out to a party or something with a partner, and we say that we can't go because we're unwell, and a part of us wants our partner to not go as well and to stay, but they say, Oh, I'll just go without you. Something like that might feel really, really triggering. You might feel very abandoned in that kind of situation. If they carry on with life as per usual, particularly social things that you were meant to be included in, but they leave you at home alone. That kind of thing is likely to be pretty triggering. Okay.
[00:11:35]:
The next one is when something unexpected happens. Obviously, that's a little broad, but the things I'm thinking of here are misfortunes, like a burst tire or you're on the way to the airport and there's really bad traffic or you miss a flight or something like that. Just stressful, unexpected things in life. I think a lot of the time when things like that happen, we can have this impulse of, You need to fix it, do something, take care of me. Again, we almost regress into this helpless child that doesn't know what to do, and we get stressed and overwhelmed, and we just want someone to fix it all for us. And so if your partner doesn't really jump into that rescuing role that maybe is what you would do in the opposite situation, then you can feel a little bit like you don't care about me because obviously I want you to do whatever. Right? Again, it's this thing of we project our own way of doing things, and we have that expectation of our partner. And so when they don't automatically do that, or their efforts don't land in terms of what we are secretly hoping they would just know to do, we can be really judgmental and kind of harsh in our reaction because we're crafting this whole bigger story of, like, you're abandoning me, you don't care about me, I'm not important to you.
[00:12:56]:
So I think that, you know, when those misfortunes happen, when those life stresses happen, it can bring up our big fears around not being supported, which on a day to day basis, we might manage those fears by just over functioning, but when something happens that is so far outside of our control that our over functioning can't solve it, we can all of a sudden be thrust into that vulnerability of feeling helpless and feeling overwhelmed, and that can really bring up our abandonment wound. Okay. The next one is when you're facing a major life change or transition. So I think that even an exciting change like getting a new job or becoming a parent or moving cities, these things that are exciting are also really destabilising. And again, we might feel ourselves wanting extra support or attention or care for our partner to make themselves more available to us in those times of transition. And if they don't automatically do that, we might experience a big abandonment kind of response. Whether it's that they're not supporting us or maybe they're not celebrating us enough, if we do get a promotion or something, or something really exciting is happening for us, and they're not as involved in that as we would like them to be, that can be kind of triggering of this abandonment thing that, like, again, you don't care about me. Why aren't you more present here as I navigate this? And I think that, in part, I think there's validity to that, that we want our partner to be involved in big things that we experience in our life, big transitions.
[00:14:33]:
It's much easier to navigate that with a trusted, secure partner. But I think another part of it, if you have more anxious attachment patterns, is maybe not trusting yourself to be able to navigate that thing alone or standing on your own 2 feet. Sometimes we don't feel like we have a strong enough foundation of self, and so we can reach for someone else to be our crutch through those more challenging periods. As I said, I don't think that's always unhealthy. I think that that's part of what partners are for, relationships are for, is to be our safety net sometimes in challenging periods. But I think also we can be honest and go, some of us probably swing too far in terms of not trusting in our own capability and agency and falling back onto a partner to rescue us as soon as things feel hard. And, you know, the other example I gave, a big life transition like, you know, becoming a parent, very understandable that you would feel abandoned if, for example, if you're a woman and you've just had a baby, and that's very stressful, and the nature of that transition is such that the bulk of the caring work is falling on your shoulders, I think it's very easy to go into that. You're abandoning me.
[00:15:46]:
You're not doing enough. You don't understand kind of mindset when you're in the nitty gritty, when you're in the depths of that. And again, if we're not very good at asking for what we need specifically, if historically, we've been pretty good at just taking care of our own needs and not having to ask, then when we're in these more vulnerable situations and we just have to ask because we really do need more support, It can be easier to blame the other person for not doing the thing that we need, not supporting us well enough. That can be less vulnerable than actually asking and saying, I'm not coping, or I'm having a really hard time and I need more from you. I need you to do x, y, zed. That is really hard for people who are not used to asking for support, who have a hard time with receiving support. And so just judging and blaming and criticising from that wounded place is sometimes more comfortable than doing the vulnerable thing. So I think that's very normal in times of transition when we're feeling a little wobbly, but negotiating a new identity, all of those things.
[00:16:53]:
It's easy to feel emotionally abandoned in that and kind of blame our partner, rather than taking responsibility and asking for the support that we need. And last but not least, so this one isn't so much an event as it is when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and again, that's pretty broad. That could be any manner of things. It could be in the midst of conflict with a partner. It could be as a result of some other thing that is going on in your life. But there's this sense of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and wanting your partner to know what to do about it, wanting them to be able to fix it, wanting them to be able to make it all okay. Again, as anxiously attached people, we tend to not have a great deal of self trust about our ability to be with difficult emotions, and so when we feel those coming up, we look outside of us for some sort of fix or solution, or some way to make it all stop, make it go away, because we don't really trust in our ability to hold it. And so when we're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, we really can look to our partner to fix it.
[00:17:56]:
And I think that, again, if you've got a more avoidant leaning partner, that can really unravel very quickly because chances are they are even less equipped to deal with your big emotions than you are. Someone with avoidant attachment probably doesn't have a lot of experience in dealing with big emotions in a healthy way, because a part of their blueprint around relationships, and their relationship to self, is that emotions are not safe, they're not desirable, and so they've, you know, oftentimes really switched off that part of themselves that is connected to their inner world and knows how to respond to an emotion in a healthy way, and so when they're confronted with someone else's big emotions and someone else's emotional overwhelm, they're probably going to draw on the same tactics for you in trying to help that they do with themselves. Again, I spoke about this earlier. They're probably going to try and crack a joke or distract you or, you know, you might be crying and upset and they might say, you know, why don't we go and grab an ice cream? And that might be coming from a really good place, and it might be the last thing that you want, and you might, you know, be sort of angry at them of, like, how could you get it so wrong? Do you not even know me at all if you think that I want to go and get an ice cream right now when I'm, like, red faced and crying? It can just be a bit of a mismatch, and we can feel really emotionally abandoned by them not knowing what to do. And so I think that it's good to have a bit of compassion here, and again, the common thread is that we can regress into this place of, like, helpless and in need of rescuing, and oftentimes the energy from that place, because we're feeling so desperate and panicked and, you know, scared and overwhelmed, it's really easy to blame our partner or to see them as the problem or the enemy, as the one that is making us feel unsupported when really oftentimes it's the situation that's leading us to feel that way, and our wounded parts are making that a lot bigger. And then maybe on top of that, our partner hasn't exactly nailed the response, or they've kind of missed the mark a little, or they've been a little insensitive, and it blows up into something much bigger as a result. So having the awareness of all of these things and being able to tune in and go, what's really going on for me here? What are the stories that I'm telling myself? I did an episode a few weeks ago on how to work through a trigger, and there's a cheat sheet that you can download on my website or in the show notes that's free, and it just walks you through these steps. What am I telling myself? Right? What am I making this mean? Because I think that you'll notice in if you relate to any of these situations or similar ones, that almost invariably you're telling yourself that your partner doesn't care, that if they loved you, that they would know what to do, that it's always going to be like this, why do I even bother, I do so much for you and you can't even show up for me when I need you most.
[00:20:47]:
All of those sorts of stories are really, really painful, and they tend to kind of compound on each other and spiral and make you feel a lot worse and and really make your judgement kind of infused with all of those feelings that are likely to come with that self pity, blame, you know, unfairness. And all of those are very real feelings, but we also have to watch the stories that might be exacerbating them. So, you know, having a process that you can walk yourself through and getting really brave about asking for help when you need it, not in a way that's attacking or blaming, but in a way that's vulnerable and, you know, saying, I am feeling overwhelmed. Would you be able to? Something like that. That will feel hard for a lot of people, but that's really where the work is. And that's how we really equip ourselves with the tools and the self belief to manage these situations better going forward, because we don't have these experiences that then reinforce that we are all alone. Because if we kind of create a rupture when we react from a wounded place, and our partner does pull away in response to that, then that's confirmation of the fact that we're all alone and no one cares. Right? It's really easy to clock that as evidence of that story.
[00:22:01]:
Whereas, if we do the brave thing, if we identify what we need, if we ask for it vulnerably, and then we open ourselves to receiving that support, it creates a new experience, and that is really powerful. So there's lots of magic in this, even though these situations are hard and there are so many others like them that will challenge us. There is an opportunity for real growth there and for rewiring and having those new experiences that can be a really positive upward spiral. So I hope that that's been helpful. If any of those examples resonate with you, be sure to let me know. Leave a comment or a review. But otherwise, thanks so much for joining me. I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:22:42]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment styles, relationships, insecurity, abandonment wound, anxious attachment, emotional abandonment, fear of abandonment, triggers of abandonment wound, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast episode, mental health, emotional support, Healing Anxious Attachment, Secure Self Challenge, membership community, On Attachment Insiders, self awareness, self trust, major life transitions, emotional overwhelm, seeking support, partner support, somatic practices, nervous system basics, setting boundaries, voicing needs, navigating challenging conversations, guided meditations, relationship advice.
#163: How to Address a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
In this episode, we dive into the growing issue of phone usage and its impact on relationship satisfaction, especially when one partner feels neglected, ignored and frustrated by the other's screen time.
We explore why constant phone use can feel so personal, discuss strategies for approaching the topic constructively, and offer practical ways to set digital boundaries together. If you’re struggling with a partner’s phone habits, this episode will give you tools to foster more connection and understanding.
Addressing a Partner’s Excessive Phone Usage: Practical Tips for Healthier Relationships
In today’s digital age, phones have become an integral part of our lives. They keep us connected, organised, and entertained. However, their pervasive presence can also impact our relationships, often in ways we might not immediately realise. Understanding and addressing excessive phone usage within relationships is crucial for maintaining intimacy and connection.
Recognising the Impact of Phone Usage on Relationships
Phones have radically transformed how we communicate and spend our time, affecting our sense of presence and connection with our partners. It’s not uncommon to feel ignored or undervalued when a partner seems tethered to their device. Many individuals report feeling neglected, rejected, or even angry when their significant other is constantly on their phone. These feelings are significant, as they often touch on deeper attachment wounds, making it essential to address the issue thoughtfully.
For many, the primary concern isn’t just the amount of time spent on phones but also when and where that time is spent. This situational component can exacerbate feelings of disconnection, especially during moments that could otherwise be opportunities for meaningful interaction.
Cultivating Self-Awareness and Addressing Hypocrisy
Before addressing a partner’s phone usage, it’s vital to reflect on one’s own habits. Many people are quick to criticise their partner while justifying their own phone usage as necessary or less intrusive. This tendency, known as the fundamental attribution error, can create a double standard. By acknowledging that everyone, to some extent, struggles with phone dependency, it becomes easier to approach the conversation with compassion and understanding.
Self-awareness allows for a more balanced discussion, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and facilitating a more constructive dialogue. It’s essential to remember that changing phone habits is challenging due to the addictive design of these devices. Therefore, approaching the conversation with a mindset of mutual improvement rather than blame can be more effective.
Starting the Conversation
When discussing phone usage with a partner, it’s important to frame the issue in terms of collective well-being. Instead of singling out one person’s behaviour, recognise that both parties can benefit from reduced screen time. Here are some tips to initiate this conversation:
Express Feelings, Not Accusations: Share how their phone usage affects you emotionally without making it a personal attack. For example, say, “I feel hurt and disconnected when we’re both on our phones during dinner,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone.”
Propose Joint Solutions: Suggest that you both work on reducing phone usage together. This can create a sense of teamwork and shared goals. For instance, discuss setting specific times or spaces where phones are off-limits.
Establishing Boundaries and Rituals
Creating clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries can help mitigate the negative impacts of phone usage. Here are some practical boundaries to consider:
No Phones at Mealtimes: Meal times are perfect opportunities for connection and conversation. Making this time phone-free ensures that both partners are present and engaged.
Phone-Free Mornings and Evenings: Starting and ending the day without screens can significantly enhance connection. Consider setting a rule where the first and last 30 minutes of the day are phone-free, prioritising connection and relaxation.
Designated “Phone Breaks”: Rather than mindless scrolling throughout the day, agree on specific times where phone use is allowed and others when it's restricted. This can help build healthier habits and reduce unnecessary screen time.
Handling Resistance and Slip-Ups
Remember, changing phone habits is a gradual process. It’s common to encounter resistance or slip-ups, and how these moments are handled is crucial. Approach any breaches of agreed-upon rules with understanding rather than frustration. A gentle reminder or a shared laugh about the difficulty of breaking old habits can go a long way. The key is maintaining a supportive and patient attitude.
Leveraging Technology to Help
Interestingly, technology itself can offer solutions to its overuse. Various apps and built-in phone features can help monitor and limit screen time. Utilising these tools can provide tangible boundaries and remind both partners to stay committed to their goals. Setting up app usage limits or scheduled downtime where the phone locks certain apps can be effective strategies.
The Bigger Picture: Enhancing Relationship Quality
Addressing excessive phone usage isn’t just about reducing screen time; it’s about enhancing the overall quality of the relationship. By being more present and engaged, partners can foster deeper intimacy and connection. This conscious effort to prioritise each other over devices can lead to more meaningful interactions and a stronger bond.
It’s worth noting that while phone usage can be a significant issue, it often signifies larger underlying attachment needs and insecurities. Approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding can help address these deeper layers, leading to a more profound and lasting resolution.
Final Thoughts
In a world dominated by digital devices, it’s easy to let screens come between us and our loved ones. However, by recognising the impact of excessive phone usage and taking intentional steps to address it, couples can reclaim their time and connection. Establishing healthy boundaries, communicating openly, and supporting each other through the process can lead to a more fulfilling and connected relationship.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself feeling neglected or unimportant when your partner uses their phone excessively? Reflect on past moments when this has happened and explore the emotions it brought up within you.
How often do you use your phone around your partner? Do you believe your usage differs significantly from theirs? How does this compare to your judgement of their usage?
Have you ever brought up the topic of phone usage with your partner? If so, how was the conversation received? If not, what holds you back from discussing it?
In what ways does excessive phone usage impact the quality of your presence and connection with your partner? Provide specific examples.
Reflect on your screen time and phone habits. Are there certain times of the day or activities that you believe should be more phone-free? How can you implement these changes?
In what scenarios do you feel it is most important to have undivided attention with your partner? How can you respectfully communicate this need to them?
How do your attachment patterns (anxious, avoidant, secure) influence your perception of your partner’s phone use? Do you interpret their behaviour through a lens of rejection or control?
Describe an ideal evening without phone interruptions. What activities or conversations would you like to share with your partner to enhance your intimacy and connection?
How can you and your partner work together to create mutually agreed-upon boundaries around phone usage? What steps can you take to ensure these boundaries are upheld with understanding and empathy?
What are some positive changes you’ve noticed when you or your partner have intentionally reduced phone usage? Reflect on these moments and consider how they can motivate ongoing efforts to be more present in your relationship.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about phones. And the role that phones play in our relationships, in shaping our experience of being in relationship, our relationship satisfaction, our sense of intimacy and connection with our partners. Now obviously, this is a really big topic, and it's one that probably doesn't get spoken about enough, given the absolute centrality of phones to our modern lives. As I was preparing for this episode and reflecting that probably even 10 years ago, it wasn't anywhere near what it is now in terms of the level of dependence that we all experience on our phones, on our devices, how ubiquitous these things are that we are absolutely tethered to. It's rare that your phone is more than a meter or 2 away, and if you've ever done the scary but illuminating thing of looking in your screen time data at the number of times you pick up your phone in an hour or in a day. I mean, it's pretty scary stuff.
[00:01:30]:
And I think that given phones are you know, they've not only changed the way that we communicate, and therefore have an impact on our relationships because obviously communication is a big part of that, But I actually think because they've changed so much, just the way that we spend our time on a moment to moment basis in intimate relationship, because so much of that time is together and, you know, that's how we connect with our partner, It's really detracted, I think, from the quality of our presence and connection in many cases. And so it's had really far reaching impacts on all of those things to do with how we experience our relationships and our level of satisfaction there. So there's a lot to unpack in today's episode. I asked my Instagram audience a bunch of questions and did a few polls in anticipation of this episode, and so I'm going to be sharing the results of some of those. And I'm also going to be, you know, offering some thoughts on ways that you might broach this conversation with a partner if you've maybe not had success in doing that, or you haven't quite mustered up the courage to bring this up, but it's something that's been really bothering you. Some ways that you might be able to tackle this issue of phones and over usage, compulsive use, unintentional usage in your relationships if you feel like it is having a negative impact, and your heart brings some, you know, negative feelings around it, which as we'll come to. Surveying my audience, there are a lot of people who are feeling really, you know, hurt, rejected, angry, alone, discarded, ignored. Those are some of the words that came up a lot, and obviously, that is not what we want to be feeling in our relationship.
[00:03:07]:
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, I am so excited to share a really big announcement. You might have heard me share over the past couple of weeks that something exciting was coming, and today is the day. I'm really, really delighted to share that I am launching a brand new membership community called On Attachment Insiders. So if you are a podcast listener and you love tuning in every week or every so often, on Attachment Insiders is a members only community where you can get more of what you get here alongside community connection, live q and a calls with me, an extensive resource library of all sorts of things ranging from video lessons to scripts to q and a. There's so much there already, and doors have only just opened in the last 24 hours. So it's going to be a growing library of resources, and as I said, a growing community of like minded people who are walking the same path as you, have the same interests as you, who absolutely know what your experience is like, and can empathize and offer solidarity and advice. And of course, I will be in there as well to share thoughts, wisdom, feedback as needed.
[00:04:22]:
And perhaps the best part is that it is super affordable. It starts from just 10 US dollars a month, so by far and away my most affordable offering, and so it's really exceptional value. There are 2 membership tiers, a starter tier and a premium tier. The premium tier is 25 US dollars a month. So depending on, you know, what type of experience you're looking for, how much live interaction you're looking for, or perhaps you're more looking to do self study stuff and going through resources in your own time, only 50 spots will be offered at that founder's rate, after which the prices will be increasing slightly. So if you're interested in joining the On Attachment Insiders membership, which has launched today, head to onattachment.com/insiders. All of that is linked in the show notes.
[00:05:10]:
I'm really, really excited and look forward to seeing as many of you as possible there. I think it's going to be a really, really beautiful space and I'm so, so excited. Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around phone usage in relationships. So I think it's really important to state the obvious at the outset, which is that we are all a little bit addicted to our phones. I think it's really easy to notice our partner's phone usage and fixate on our partner's phone usage, obviously, because it can bring up these feelings of feeling deprioritized or rejected or, you know, ignored. But because we aren't feeling those things when we're on our phone, we are maybe blind to the extent to which we are guilty of the very same thing that we are criticizing our partner for or or resenting our partner for. So I think let's get that out in the open.
[00:05:59]:
Our phone usage, you know, as a society, as a world, is pretty bad. We all use our phones too much, and that is because that's what they're designed to do. Right? The phones themselves, the devices themselves, and all of the apps within them, social media, everything about it is designed to be addictive, and it's highly effective at creating that dependency. It really hijacks our dopamine circuits and keeps us tethered to these devices so much more than we realize. And I think it is compulsive. It's unconscious so much of the time. And so I think that recognizing that at the outset and going, okay. Yes.
[00:06:38]:
We're all guilty of this, can take a little bit of the heat out of the conversation. And as we'll come to, I think that's a very good thing to lead with in having any sort of conversation with your partner about this rather than making it a this is something that you do problem. Because I think unless you are the very, very rare person who isn't dependent on their phone, who really doesn't have an issue with this, it's likely that you're guilty of it too. So with that being said, I wanted to turn to these survey responses. Picking up my phone now, ironically enough. Turn to these survey responses that I put out on Instagram. So I asked people, do you feel that your partner is on your phone too much? And 79% of people said yes, and 21% of people said no. The next question that I asked people was how often do you argue about or feel bothered by phone usage in your relationship? And that was 76% of people said either all the time or sometimes.
[00:07:33]:
And then 24% of people said hardly ever. So 76% of people are saying that either all the time or sometimes, they are feeling bothered by or arguing about phone usage in their relationships. That's pretty significant when you think about it. So I then asked people to finish this sentence for me. I said, when my partner is on their phone around me, I feel And the answers that I got, I'm gonna start reading some of these for you. There are a lot of them, and they're mostly in the same vein. So we had unimportant, neglected, less important, neglected. Those are all different ones.
[00:08:07]:
You can see there's a lot of overlap. Ignored, disrespected, angry, annoyed, unimportant, lonely, frustrated, unimportant, lonely, rejected, worried about who they're talking to, ignored, unimportant, like they're not listening to me, distracted, ignored, ignored, undervalued, not important, disrespected, not listened to, like I'm not a priority, Devalued, unheard, ignored, neglected, deprioritised, invisible, dismissed, like shit. Ignored, angry, invisible, suspicious, undervalued, annoyed, alone, not as important. Unimportant, annoyed, neglected, unseen, anxious, less worthy, unvalued, unheard, second best. You get the point. Right? I can keep going, but there's a lot of answers in the same vein here. So that is a big problem. Let's just be very clear.
[00:08:59]:
For 76% of people to be feeling like that a lot of the time, that is a really big problem because all of that, all of those wounds that are coming up, all of those perceptions are arising from something that's very real. And if we don't have the tools to deal with that in a way that we can be constructive and actually have a conversation about it and bring some more intentionality to it, there's going to be a problem. A lot of these issues in our relationships are either going to turn into some sort of festering resentment, bickering, low grade conflict, or something much bigger. One of the responses that I didn't read out was someone saying, I am literally planning to end my relationship over this. So this is big stuff, and it makes sense because when we hear all of those things, those are, much of the time, they're attachment wounds. It's saying, you know, I don't feel seen. I don't feel cared for. I don't feel prioritised.
[00:09:53]:
I don't feel valued. I feel ignored. I feel dismissed. So even though on the surface it feels trivial, your partner sitting on the couch next to you scrolling their phone, not a huge deal. That's not like, wow, how could they do that? When it compounds over time and creates this overall relational environment and culture of you're not present with me, I don't feel valued, I don't feel like I'm important to you, that's a problem. Okay? Because that is touching something within you that is much deeper than phone usage, and so it's going to snowball into something much bigger than phone usage. Now, something that I did want to touch on in this conversation, I think it would be remiss of me not to, is the attachment dynamics here. Phone usage in relationship is not by no means something that is exclusive to anxious avoidant kind of dynamics.
[00:10:42]:
But as with many things, I think we could say it's probably exacerbated by it. And that relates to what I was just saying around those kind of wounds that are brought up when our partner is there and is maybe ignoring us, not paying attention to us on their phone. For someone with more anxious attachment patterns who is sensitive to any sort of perceived rejection, any sort of distance, feeling deprioritized, feeling unimportant, feeling like they're not valuable to their partner, feeling like they're generally not enough, it's likely that your partner is showing signs of disinterest in the form of scrolling their phone I say disinterest because that's how you're likely to perceive it that is really going to be received through the lens of your anxious attachment. Now I want to be very clear. I'm not suggesting that it is because of your anxious attachment that you have a problem with that behavior. As I said, this is not an attachment specific kind of dynamic or problem that we're facing with phone usage. I think it is absolutely ubiquitous, and I think people with more anxious attachment patterns are going to see it through that lens of rejection more often than not. I think someone with more avoidant patterns, on the other hand, who might be on the receiving end of the criticism around the phone usage, who likely has sensitivities around feeling controlled, monitored, like their partner always wants their full attention and they never get a break, they just want time to themselves, they just want to decompress, all of that kind of thing, an avoidant partner is probably more likely to use their phone to escape, to numb out, to try and maybe blow off some steam, so to speak.
[00:12:23]:
At the end of the day, they might just wanna sit on the couch and zone out for half an hour while scrolling on their phones. And to be told that they can't do that or they shouldn't be doing that or that that's selfish or rejecting or dismissive of them to be doing that, that might make them more defensive of the behavior and, you know, they're right and entitlement to engage in that behavior. So they might say invalidating things like, Oh, just give me a break. Like, Can you just leave me alone? I just walked in the door, and I just want to chill out for half an hour. And so if you're the partner who's feeling really hurt and dismissed by that behavior, and then you're met with a response that really minimizes the significance of it, and is sort of saying, this isn't a big deal. Get over it. I think that would be a very common inroad to anxious avoidant type conflict cycles that could really very quickly escalate from there. This sense of, you're not paying attention to me, and the response being, stop trying to control me, give me a break, and then so on and so forth from there.
[00:13:26]:
So I think that that is very much within the realms of possibility that you might wind up in that kind of thing if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic. And the reason I say that is just to be mindful of the different angles from which you're approaching the issue, where you're coming from, and reminding yourself that if you are more anxious, that you do have those wounds. And again, that doesn't mean that you need to drop the issue and solve this problem by yourself or just suck it up. Absolutely not what I'm saying. More just to pause and tune in and go, okay, what am I experiencing? What am I telling myself? When have I felt this before? When else in my life have I felt unimportant or deprioritized or rejected or dismissed? And what is this bringing up for me? So that you are going into any conversation that you have around this with full awareness of what the significance is for you and why it stings in the way that it does. So another thing that I wanted to bring into the conversation here is what's called the fundamental attribution error. You might have heard of this term. It's basically this tendency that we all have, which is to if we make a mistake or we do something, we tend to attribute that to situational or contextual factors.
[00:14:40]:
Basically, we come up with an excuse as to why the thing that we did is actually fine, but if our partner did the exact same thing, we say that it's a function of their character. So let's take this out of the abstract and give an example. Something might be, you know, I left my towel on the floor, but the reason I did that is because I was carrying the baby to the other room, and I was in a hurry, and I was gonna come back and get it. And it's not because I'm lazy or thoughtless or inconsiderate. It's because there was some explanation for it. Whereas if my partner leaves a towel on the floor, it's because he's lazy and thoughtless and inconsiderate. Right? Another example might be if you're running late, it's because the traffic was really bad and all of these things outside of your control happened. It's not because you're unreliable, but if your friend is running late, then you're very quick to assume that they've done something because it is just who they are and they are flaky and, you know, unreliable, all of those things.
[00:15:33]:
So this tendency to find really valid reasoning, excuses, justifications for the things that we do, but not what someone else does. And I have to admit that I'm so guilty of this when it comes to phone usage. I notice myself saying it both in my head and out loud all the time. If I check my phone, it's because I'm just checking an email, or I've got to respond to a text, or I'm checking my DMs on Instagram because that's work related. So I'm totally fine on phone usage. But if Joel's scrolling his phone, that's just mindless scrolling, and he's being really unconscious about it. And I'm very quick to judge that and differentiate it from the thing that I'm doing, which I consider to have some sort of valid intention behind it. Right? So I think it's very important in terms of cultivating self awareness and being honest about our own phone usage, that we're not engaging in too much of this fundamental attribution error, that we're not coming up with all manner of justifications for our own compulsive or unhealthy phone usage while being very judgmental and critical of someone else's.
[00:16:38]:
I think another really common example of this, which, you know, I, again, am guilty of all the time, is if we're both, say, sitting in bed or sitting on the couch on our phones, and then I put my phone down because I finished whatever I was doing, and Joel continues to be on his phone, and I notice within myself, even after 30 seconds, that this tension rises, and it's this sense of, like, put your phone away. Like, I'm just sitting here, even though, like, 30 seconds before I was doing the exact same thing. It's just I spontaneously decided to put my phone away, and then I'm getting frustrated with him for not immediately doing the same thing. So I think there is some hypocrisy. There is some stuff that we can take ownership of there. And again, the reason that I suggest doing that is the same with, like, kind of being mindful of the anxious avoidant dynamicsit's not so that we then drop the issue altogether. It's so that we can take some of the steam out of the issue, so that we can take some of the personalization out of the issue. Because if we are going into any sort of conversation about something like this with the story of, this is a you problem and not a me problem, or you always do this, or you don't care.
[00:17:43]:
I've asked you so many times, and you're not doing it. We've had conversations about this, and you're not following through. I think the more that we can own, like, we've all got really bad habits around this, and the more we can be aware of our own and really clean up our side of the street, or at least take ownership of our side of the street, we're probably less likely to be high and mighty in judging our partner and attacking them for it, which is likely to lead to a more constructive conversation, and one that's likely to be more solution oriented. With that being said, let's talk about some of the things that you might want to consider in terms of shifting the balance around phone usage in your relationship. So I think that some things that you might want to implement as hard and fast rules or boundaries and again, the way that I would encourage you to go about this is not like, hey, you need to stop doing this because I don't like it. I think it needs to be a, hey, I've noticed that we have been on our phones a lot, and I really hate how that feels, or I feel like we're not actually spending much quality time together, even though we're spending a lot of time together, maybe by quantity. We're in each other's presence, but we're not actually there. We're not actually engaging with each other.
[00:18:53]:
It feels really mindless and disconnected, and that feels crappy to me. Would you be open to and then you lead in with whatever you're proposing. And I think having some level of genuine open mindedness and flexibility around what that looks like is a good idea. So some things that you might want to implement. I think having no phones at mealtimes is a no brainer. We definitely don't have phones at mealtimes in our relationship. I mean, very rarely, we might have a phone on the table and and one of us might pick it up to look something up, but it's definitely not a scrolling situation. I think in the same way that eating at a table is much better than eating at a couch, watching something, phones away, and really being conscious and mindful of spending that time to connect with each other, I think is a really really good idea and feels like an easy one to give, because I don't really know of any valid reason why you need to just be scrolling at dinner time or any other meal time that you're sharing together.
[00:19:51]:
I think preserving that ritual is a really important one. Some other ones you might want to consider is having some parameters around evenings or first thing in the morning. I know that we all, again, I won't lie, I definitely pick up my phone first thing in the morning. So whether it's having some sort of thing in your relationship where you wake up and say hi to each other and have a hug and a kiss or something before you turn to your phone so that you're not just lying in a dark room, staring at a screen in front of your face before you even connected with your partner, having something like that might be a good idea. Likewise, having some phone free time before you go to sleep, not only is that much better for your sleep quality, but probably really good for your relationship as well. So considering some things like that, and I think that the clearer you can get in those boundaries that you draw and that you agree on, the easier it is. I think if you just sort of shoot for something vague, let's try and be on our phones list, that's never gonna work because you're gonna have different ideas of what that looks like. There's no containment to that.
[00:20:51]:
There's no real framework or structure, and so it's going to be a slippery slope. And I think on that point, be somewhat generous as you approach behaviour change around this, recognizing that we are more or less addicted to these devices. So again, I I got a few responses from people saying we've talked about it and they're still doing it. It's so deeply ingrained within us. It is so automatic. The number of times we pick up our phone and check open an app, and then check another app, bounce between email and Instagram and whatever other apps you use to just check. It's like muscle memory. It's an extension of us.
[00:21:30]:
And because it is not conscious, most of the time when we're doing that, I'm sure if you checked your screen time stats and it said you've picked your phone up 85 times today, I'm sure you don't remember picking your phone up 85 times, but you have. Right? And so being generous that if your partner doesn't have 100% adherence from the moment you agree on something, probably don't take that personally. Don't take that to mean they're not serious about this. They don't care about what I've shared. They don't care about what I'm saying. Again, I think we need to depersonalize this as much as possible while still advocating for what is important to us in order to feel, you know, more connected in our relationships. So there was one other piece from my Instagram polls that I put out that I wanted to share, and this kind of relates to how to talk about it and maybe what to do by way of a solution. The question that I asked was, for those who are bothered by their partner's phone use, is it how much time they spend when they choose to be on their phone, or the things that they look at or consume? And 40% of people said when they choose to be on their phone.
[00:22:36]:
So that was the highest number by quite a margin. So it was like the timing of when your partner is choosing to be on their phone that seemed to bother most people. 2nd after that, at 24% was the amount of time they spend on their phone. 15% said what they look at or consume, and then a further 21% said all of it. So there are 21% of people who are bothered by all of those things, but 40% of people were most bothered by when their partner was choosing to be on their phone. So clearly, there is some situational component to this. I actually think that that is helpful because in framing the discussion, you don't have to say, I need you to not be on your phone at all, or I need you to stop using Instagram or whatever. It it just allows you to set up the boundaries of when.
[00:23:21]:
Right? That there are good times and there are not so good times for it. And are you open to being a bit more intentional about it? Again, I think that that it's actually if you can approach the conversation in a constructive, non blaming way, you'll probably get good reception from your partner because they think that if most people are being honest, most of us want to use our phones less. Most of us want to be more intentional about our device usage. Right? I don't think if you said to someone, your screen time's 3 hours and 50 minutes a day. Do you think that's a good use of your time? Not many people are gonna say, Yeah. I'm really happy with spending hours and hours a day scrolling on Instagram with absolutely nothing to show for it. Right? I think we can all recognize that that is a colossal waste of time and energy that's probably making us more depressed and anxious and disconnected and whatever else. Right? No one's really standing up in defense of that being a great use of time.
[00:24:12]:
And so I think that if we can join in solidarity with our partners around recognizing that and going, Yeah, I don't want that either. I don't want it for me, and I don't want it for you. I don't want it for us. Let's keep each other accountable. What do you think would be achievable as a starting shift? And open up the conversation that way. Let's put in these parameters. Let's not do phones at mealtimes. Let's not do phones after 8 pm.
[00:24:36]:
Whatever makes sense in the context of you and your life and your relationship, but try and approach that as a joint endeavor rather than something where you're getting them in trouble for something that they are doing wrong. Something that, you know, is their problem that they need to solve so that they can make you happy, because that is going to bring up a lot of defensiveness and all of those other dynamics around control and anxiety and stuff that we don't really need to touch into, because I don't think it needs to be an issue about that. I really do think it's bigger and broader and more universal than that, frankly. So I'm gonna leave it there. I feel like there might have to be a follow-up episode to this. I realize I haven't really gone into this whole other aspect of the phone issue in relationships, which is more around the content and social media usage and other things that partners are not comfortable with, not in terms of the fact that your partner's using their phone, but maybe what they're looking at, boundaries around social media usage, the types of accounts they follow. I know that there's lots of stuff there to explore and discuss, and I don't think that we've got time or space for it in today's episode, but it may need to be a follow-up because I get bucket loads of questions from people about navigating that, navigating their discomfort with their partner's online behavior. And so I think there's definitely stuff to look at there, and I I will make a note to do another episode on that, and and do let me know if that's something that you'd be interested in.
[00:26:08]:
But otherwise, I hope that today has been helpful in both normalizing this issue of phones in relationships by letting you know that you're far from alone in feeling if you feel any of those things that I read out earlier, that you're far from alone in feeling them, that this is so ubiquitous. It is so, so common. And I as hard as it is because I do think the odds are stacked against us in terms of these devices being designed to produce these very behaviors, this compulsive usage that we all are guilty of. I think with a bit of intentionality and accountability, you can really, you know, bring some boundaries into your relationship that don't have to feel not overbearing or strict, or like one of you is enforcing it against the other. I think you can really band together and overhaul your device usage for the greater good of your relationship and and do that together. So I hope that this has given you something to think about and maybe some tips on how to approach that. And another reminder that if you're interested, please think about joining on Attachment Insiders. As I said, it's super affordable for the first 50 members, so if you wanna snag one of those founding member spots, definitely do so.
[00:27:20]:
I'm really looking forward to seeing as many of you in there as possible, where we can have all sorts of conversations around stuff like this and so much more. I'm really looking forward to it. So thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:27:36]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationship satisfaction, intimacy and connection, phone usage in relationships, communication impact, device dependence, unconscious phone use, attachment wounds, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, relationship boundaries, quality time, conflict resolution, partner dynamics, screen time, phone addiction, situational awareness, relationship issues, intimacy improvement, setting boundaries, attachment wounds, communication strategies, relationship habits, social media influence, emotional connection, phone-free time, intentionality, relationship enhancement, conflict escalation, partner criticism