#156 Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
#136 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style (Part 2)
This episode is part two of a two-part series on 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. I'm going to be running through some of the less obvious expressions of the anxious attachment style, as well as the underlying drivers of these patterns.
If a recent episode of “On Attachment” left you nodding along and feeling seen, you're not alone. As we continue to explore the intricate web of anxious attachment traits, it’s clear that understanding our relational patterns and dynamics isn't a one-size-fits-all pursuit. Join us as we delve deeper into traits 11 to 20, providing insights and guidance to shine a light on our attachment styles and embark on a journey towards healthier, thriving relationships.
Trait 11: The Breakup Conundrum
For those with anxious attachment patterns, navigating breakups and endings can be an excruciating process. While recognising when a relationship needs to end, the emotional entanglement and the process of disengaging from a loved one can be especially distressing. If you find yourself ruminating and struggling with the emotional fallout of a breakup for an extended period, you're not alone. Recognising and navigating the impact of endings is an essential part of healing anxious attachment.
Trait 12: Relationship Strain Overload
When something goes awry in a relationship, it can feel all-consuming for individuals with anxious attachment tendencies. Unlike their avoidant counterparts who can compartmentalise emotions, the anxious partner may find it challenging to see beyond the perceived relationship problems. This trait sheds light on the need for balance and understanding within the relationship dynamic—a journey towards finding a middle ground where emotions and space coexist harmoniously.
Trait 13: The Struggle with Receiving Support
The yearning for support and reciprocity, coupled with a struggle to receive it, often characterises individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Recognising the vulnerability of receiving support and understanding that it's not a sign of weakness can be a crucial step in fostering healthier relationships. Finding that balance between giving and receiving, without feeling unworthy or being overwhelmed, is key to nurturing a fulfilling partnership.
Trait 14: Infatuation at Lightning Speed
The tendency to become infatuated and attached to new people swiftly within early dating stages is a common trait for those with anxious attachment styles. These patterns can also manifest as experiencing crushes while already in a relationship. Understanding and navigating the impulse to create intense emotional connections quickly is essential for fostering stable and balanced relationships.
Trait 15: Privacy vs. Secrecy Dilemma
Distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy is a regular challenge for individuals with anxious attachment patterns. Fear of the unknown and a tendency to feel threatened by a partner's privacy can lead to difficulties in creating and respecting personal boundaries. Recognising and addressing this fear is essential for establishing trust and promoting emotional stability within the relationship.
Trait 16: Hyperattunement to Partner's Moods
Being hyperattuned to subtle shifts in a partner's mood or energy can be both a blessing and a curse. While this heightened sensitivity nurtures empathy and emotional connection, it can also lead to catastrophic interpretations and spiralling distress. Learning to differentiate between accurate perception and catastrophic meaning-making is essential for maintaining emotional equilibrium within the relationship.
Trait 17: Fear of Abandonment
A pervasive fear of a partner leaving for someone ‘better’ is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment patterns. The intersection of jealousy, low self-worth, and comparison often fuels this fear. Addressing and untangling these emotions is a vital step toward fostering greater inner security and trust within relationships.
Trait 18: The Need for Constant Togetherness
Individuals with anxious attachment patterns often struggle with their partners' time devoted to other relationships or personal pursuits. Recognising the value of personal space and understanding that healthy relationships can coexist with individual pursuits is crucial for promoting emotional autonomy and trust within a partnership.
Trait 19: Adverse Attraction to Unhealthy Patterns
A subconscious attraction to inconsistent and unavailable partners is a common struggle for those with anxious attachment styles. Embracing stability and security within relationships may initially feel unexciting, yet recognising and recalibrating these attraction patterns is a crucial step in fostering sustainable and fulfilling partnerships.
Trait 20: The Quest for Love Through Self-Change
The tendency to believe that changing oneself will elicit more love from a partner is a hallmark trait among those with anxious attachment patterns. Understanding that true love and connection should stem from authenticity and mutual acceptance is a pivotal step in breaking free from codependent dynamics and fostering relationships based on genuine connection and trust.
As we unpack these traits, it's essential to remember that the journey towards understanding and navigating attachment styles is deeply personal and often non-linear. While these traits shed light on common patterns, the healing and growth process is unique for each individual. Recognising these traits is the first step toward fostering self-awareness, understanding relational dynamics, and embarking on a journey towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
The intricate tapestry of anxious attachment patterns offers an opportunity for introspection, growth, and transformation—a journey that, when navigated with compassion and self-awareness, leads to profound personal and relational healing.
Join us as we continue to explore the nuanced landscape of attachment, relationships, and self-discovery, opening doors to a deeper understanding of ourselves and the connections we foster.
Remember, understanding and navigating attachment styles is a continual process—one that lays the foundation for authentic, thriving, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing difficulty with breakups or other endings in your relationships? How has this impacted your healing process, and what strategies have you used to navigate these challenges?
In what ways do you see yourself being consumed by perceived problems in your relationships? How does this affect your ability to see the positives during difficult times?
Reflect on your experiences with receiving support. Do you struggle to accept support from others? What emotions or reactions come up for you when someone offers you support, and what do you think might be driving these reactions?
Have you ever found yourself becoming infatuated with new people very quickly? How has this tendency impacted your approach to dating or maintaining a relationship? Reflect on any instances where this has led to challenges in your relationships.
Consider your feelings towards privacy and secrecy in relationships. Do you struggle to distinguish between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy? How has this impacted your past relationships or your current relationship dynamics?
In what ways are you hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy? How do you manage the different interpretations you make based on these observations, and how does this affect your relationship dynamics?
Have you ever caught yourself fearing that your partner might leave you for someone better? How does this fear manifest in your thoughts or actions, and what strategies have you used to address these anxieties in your relationships?
Reflect on any experiences where you felt rejected if your partner devoted time to other relationships or areas of life. How did you navigate these feelings, and what insights did you gain from those experiences?
Do you find yourself being drawn to partners who exhibit inconsistency and unavailability? How has this preference impacted your past relationships, and what steps could you take to recalibrate your approach to attraction and stability in relationships?
Consider the belief that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. Have you ever felt this way in a relationship? How has this belief influenced your behavior, and what steps can you take to cultivate healthier perceptions of love and self-worth?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Today's episode is part 2 of the episode that I released a couple of days ago, which was titled 20 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style. So I'm running through some less obvious, I would say, traits of the anxious attachment style, hopefully going a little deeper than your average listicle. What I will say before I dive in is that this is not an exhaustive list, and it's also, not sequential. You don't have to have listened to the previous episode as a prerequisite to being able to make sense of this episode, But if you're interested, you can absolutely go back and listen to the other one as well to give you the fuller picture. So just before I dive into traits 11 to 20 of the 20 traits that I'm gonna run through, I just wanted to remind you that healing anxious attachment, my signature program, opens up in a few days' time. If you're on the wait list, amazing.
[00:01:26]:
I think there are about 1300 of you at the moment, which is just so cool. But if you're not on the wait list and you'd like to be, which just gives you first access, early bird pricing, and exclusive bonuses, which for the first time ever, the exclusive bonuses are gonna include all 4 of my other master classes. So building trust, sex and attachment, how to navigate anxious avoidant relationships, and better boundaries are all included as a bonus master class bundle with the early bird price of healing anxious attachment. So really, really good value. If you are interested, just pop yourself on the wait list so that you have the option. You can do that via my website or the link in the show notes. Hopefully, that's all pretty straightforward. Okay.
[00:02:11]:
So trait number 11, continuing on from the first ten that we covered in the previous episode a couple of days ago, is you have a really, really hard time with breakups and other endings. So I've spoken about this on the podcast many times. There's an episode from a while back titled 5 Reasons That Anxiously Attached People Struggle With Breakups, so you can obviously do a deep dive into that if you're interested. But for anxiously attached people, for all of the reasons that we've talked about, because the relationship is such a source of safety, a breakup tends to be very, very destabilizing and disorienting, and that's true no matter how much you might know that a relationship needs to end, no matter how dysfunctional or unhealthy, no matter how unhappy you were, going through that process of emotional disentanglement from someone that you love and that you are attached to is particularly excruciating, when you have anxious attachment patterns. So breakups are likely to really throw you, and your recovery time, if we want to call it that, is likely to be longer than someone with more avoidant patterns or even someone with more of a secure attachment. You're likely to really be in that process for a decent amount of time, and you're doing a lot of ruminating and thinking and, you know, wondering whether it was the right thing and wanting to reach out to your ex and still feeling very attached to them. So that's very normal if you're someone with an anxious attachment style. I'll just quickly say I I also had in this one you have a hard time with other endings as well, because I think it's kind of a not really as front and center as something like breakups, but you might also struggle, like, letting go of a job, like, walking away from something, or you might just have a level of emotionality or sentimentality around goodbyes and separation.
[00:04:08]:
Again, going back to that thing of separation anxiety or, you know, just having a lot of emotion around parting ways, so that could extend beyond, you know, just breakups. Number 12 is you can't help but be consumed by the perceived problems in your relationship. So for anxiously attached people, when something's wrong with the relationship, it really does feel all consuming, and it's likely all that you can think and talk about. So this is by contrast with if you have, for example, a more avoidant leaning partner, they're probably quite adept at compartmentalizing. So you could have a big fight, and then they could kind of switch gears and go off to work and have a totally normal day, and not have that be, you know, weighing down on them. I used to have this dynamic in a previous relationship where, you know, my ex partner was quite avoidant, and we'd be in the middle of an argument, and he would just say, I don't have time for this right now. I need to go like, I need to work. I need to do something.
[00:05:12]:
And it was always so challenging for me because I was so in the thick of it and so in my emotions that it was unfathomable to me that you could focus on anything else at a time like that. But for him, he was able to just switch it off, and, you know, if anything, I think I interpreted that at the time as, you know, him not caring, but it really is just a a different blueprint. But it can be very hard to relate to as someone with more anxious patterns that, you know, your partner could just kind of put things in separate boxes and function quite effectively even when things are not good in the relationship. It's likely that you don't have that same capacity to, you know, segment yourself internally. So it's likely that, you know, if the relationship is, you know, feeling really strained, that that's taking up most of your field of vision and most of your bandwidth, and and that's going to be really all consuming. The other aspect of that is that you probably struggle to see the good, at those times, in those, you know, seasons where the relationship know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Know, the negativity of whatever is bothering you about the relationship. Okay.
[00:06:26]:
Number 13 is you yearn for support but struggle with receiving it. Now we sort of touched on this when talking about the overgiving and self sacrifice in the previous episode, but it's sort of a funny thing. Right? You can often resent being the giver, and you might complain about imbalances in the relationship. You might complain about that lack of reciprocity of, you know, I'm always the one doing this. You know, I am always giving more. I am always thinking about you. I'm always in the caring role, and you never do that for me. And there is this yearning for support, but you do tend to struggle to receive that support if you're more anxiously attached, and you cannot really know what to do with it if suddenly someone showed up and was really ready and willing to support you and asked, you know, how can I support you? You might find yourself a little frozen, not really knowing what to do because you're so unaccustomed to being in that seat of receiving.
[00:07:25]:
So I think there's some work to do for most of us around recognizing the vulnerability of receiving, because it is, for for a lot of us, much more vulnerable to be, you know, to kind of have the spotlight on us and have, you know, us be cared for and have our needs being really recognized and paid attention to, if you're not used to that, then that can feel really edgy in and of itself. So, there's there's definitely some work there around, you know, feeling worthy of the support that you crave and really allowing yourself to take that in. Okay. Number 14 is you become infatuated and attach to new people very quickly. So in early dating, you find yourself going from 0 to a100 at lightning speed, quickly becoming attached to someone before you really know them, which can also apply to crushes while in a relationship. Now I've touched on, you know, jealousy elsewhere, and, you know, there will be a couple of points in, you know, this episode where I'm touching on those dynamics, and I actually think that part of the anxiously attached person's struggle with jealousy stems from their own tendency to become infatuated and attached and develop crushes very quickly. So if you can, you know, see someone at the coffee shop or the gym and suddenly create this whole fantasy in your mind about, you know, being totally obsessed with them, and, you know, you can't stop thinking about them, and you start planning your, you know, days around whether you might run into them or whatever, it can be easy to project and assume that your partner's doing the same thing, and so feel very insecure and jealous around what they're doing and who they're seeing. So I think that this tendency that people with strong anxious attachment patterns have to really, you know, latch on and and become, you know, kind of in that fantasy world of imagining, you know, a whole life with someone or becoming very consumed by this idea of a connection that doesn't really exist, that is certainly an anxious attachment thing, whether it's, you know, in a relationship or outside of 1 in in a dating context.
[00:09:39]:
Yeah. You're definitely not alone if you've experienced that. Okay. Number 15 is you struggle with trust and feel threatened by your partner's privacy. So I've done an episode before on, you know, the difference between privacy and secrecy, and for anxiously attached people, it feel like there is no difference between privacy and secrecy, that, you know, if you are doing something and protecting your privacy, then that is tantamount to keeping secrets, and keeping secrets feels very dangerous. So, you know, anxiously attached people love certainty, and that element of the unknown that is involved in trusting someone can feel very, very risky and very, very vulnerable. So distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy secrecy, it's almost like that. You know, if you've got nothing to hide, then why do you need privacy kind of mentality can be common among anxious people, and, you know, as you can imagine or maybe you've experienced, when that comes head to head with a more avoidant partner who very much values their privacy, and sees that as very important to their overall sense of self and autonomy, we can really easily clash there because the anxious person can become very suspicious of the avoidant person's attachment to privacy.
[00:10:58]:
And so, yeah, there's there's some work to do there around figuring out, like, what is a healthy boundary, because the the anxious partner's unlikely to have a baseline respect for privacy or understanding of why privacy is, like, valid or reasonable or important, because it is just likely to be seen as so threatening for them. Okay. Number 16, you are hyperattuned to subtle changes in your partner's mood or energy. So this is both a blessing and a curse. Right? This level of, you know, emotional being really emotionally tapped in, being able to really read the room and feel the energy and, you know, sense if there's a shift in someone's state, that's not a bad thing. Right? There's there's a level of, like, empathy and skill in that that allows you to really connect with people and allows people to feel really seen. The trouble is for anxiously attached people, we can kind of get carried away with the interpretation of what we are then perceiving. So you might notice there's a shift, and that might be accurate, that there has been a shift in the energy or the mood, but then the meaning making tends to be catastrophic.
[00:12:14]:
Right? So it's, okay, like, my partner's gone a bit quiet. That might just be because they're tired. It's quite innocuous, but for the anxiously attached person, it's likely to be, there's something wrong. They're angry at me. They're upset. Something's happened. And so it's that interpretation, that meaning making step where anxiously attached people tend to lead themselves astray and go into those spirals and then, you know, become quite distressed by it and feel the need to probe or problem solve or fix, you know, pester their partner, what's wrong? No. Tell me what's wrong.
[00:12:49]:
I can tell there's something wrong, that sort of pattern. So it's important to to recognize that within yourself and try and find some boundaries around, not taking those interpretations to the extreme, when you don't really have, not only the evidence to support it, but when it doesn't really need to be a problem that you have to solve urgently, even though that's how it can feel. Okay. Number 17, you fear your partner leaving you for someone better. So, you know, this is interwoven with so many of the other themes that we've talked about, jealousy, low self worth, comparison, fear of abandonment, you know, this general sense of the relationship is always on a knife's edge, and there's always these looming, lurking threats, and so I need to, you know, be protecting against that. And one of the obvious threats is outsiders. So, you know, whether that's I think I touched on, you know, like colleagues or exes or friends or just other people, really, this sense of they're gonna leave me, and it's gonna be for someone better, and I need to then, like, try and, you know, make myself better so that that doesn't happen, or, you know, try and dampen down parts of myself that I consider to be flaws or unacceptable or unlovable so that my partner doesn't leave me for someone else who doesn't have those same things. So, that's very much a lingering fear for anxiously attached people is that given the chance, their partner will leave them for someone else or someone better, so to speak.
[00:14:27]:
Okay. Number 18 is you feel rejected if your partner devotes time to other relationships or areas of life. Anxiously attached people will very happily devote the vast majority of their time and energy to their partner in their relationship. That is a very comfortable default position, and often, you know, you'll be quite happy to turn down other invitations so as to prioritize time spent with your partner, or even just to make yourself available on the off chance that your partner wants to spend time with you or someone that you're dating even. So there can be this, you know, like, difficulty understanding why your partner wouldn't wanna do the same. Why wouldn't they wanna spend every waking moment with you? If you loved me, that's what you would want. Right? So because of that, it's easy for people with anxious patterns to feel hurt or rejected if their partner wants to do things separately. So if they wanna catch up with friends and they just wanna have that time with their friends and not with you, whereas your preference might be either to spend time with them or spend time with other people and have them there as well.
[00:15:31]:
There might just not be a scenario in which you would prefer separation over togetherness, whereas, you know, for, I would say, certainly avoidant partners but also secure partners, they might have a very legitimate desire to actually just spend time, you know, in different areas of their life or, you know, devoting time to hobbies or coworkers or something, that doesn't involve you and having a level of space around that. And that can feel like in a bit of an affront, or, again, it's almost like the the privacy thing. It can feel suspicious to someone with more anxious patterns. So, recognizing that that can be a perfectly normal and healthy thing for partners to want, and it's not something that you need to necessarily take personally and make a lot of meaning out of. Okay. Number 19 is you find healthy, consistent, and available would be partners boring. So I talked before on the show about this subconscious drive towards people who are really good at at lighting up all of those triggers, all of those, you know, old pathways within you around working really hard for someone's attention or you're finding that inconsistency to be quite exhilarating and addictive even though it's causing you a lot of stress. For a lot of anxiously in touch people, you know, I hear this so much is, like, the the healthy people, people who are available, who are interested in me, who show that interest, you know, in a sustained way, It doesn't do anything for me.
[00:17:09]:
It doesn't light me up. I don't feel excited to talk to them or go on dates with them, It just you know, I'm only attracted to the people who don't give me that, who, you know, leave me guessing or make me work for it. And so I think that that is you know, it's a big part of just having, you know, programming around what love looks and feels like, and when we've developed a lot of strategies around all of those things, working really hard, needing to prove ourselves, needing to prove our worth, when that's what we're accustomed to, then that's kind of what we feel most comfortable with when we're in that familiar zone. So there can be a certain recalibration that needs to happen, for you to, you know, know how to be in relationship with someone who doesn't take you on that rollercoaster ride and still, you know, learn to get a lot out of that and to appreciate the stability and appreciate the security, and the sense of peace and calm that comes with that rather than being addicted to the chaos of, you know, unavailability and inconsistency. Okay. And last but not least, you believe that changing yourself will make your partner love you more. So this is very much kind of at the heart of, you know, codependency. Not that codependency and anxious attachment are the same thing, but I think in the Venn diagram, there'd be a good degree of overlap, between anxiously attached people and people who find themselves in codependent patterns in their relationship.
[00:18:46]:
So this sense of whatever problems I perceive as existing in the relationship or in my partner, whatever behaviors of theirs I see as being an issue or I wanna change, there's a part of me that thinks that if I can change myself, then that will change them and the way they are towards me. So, you know, really just assigning so much responsibility to ourselves to make everything better, and, you know, if I change the way I look or the way that I dress or the way I act or, you know, the things I say or don't say, then all of these things that I want will become available, then they'll show up for me, then they'll be loving towards me, then, you know, they won't lie to me anymore or whatever the things might be. Right? Obviously, there's a huge spectrum of of how that could play out, and, you know, some are obviously on more extreme ends of the spectrum in terms of really unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics. But this sense of, like, if I can just train myself, then that will change you or that will change our relationship for the better, And, obviously, that can lead you down a rabbit hole of endless, you know, shape shifting, people pleasing, performing, striving, trying to earn love, and trying to change yourself to elicit some sort of outcome, with the obvious consequence that you end up really not knowing who you are, and not having a clear sense of that and and having pretty, you know, decimated self worth as a result. So, you know, all in the hopes that that's gonna make you feel worthy and deserving of love. And, you know, spoiler alert, oftentimes, most of the time, I would say that doesn't work, and then you feel unworthy and undeserving of love because despite your best efforts, despite having tried so hard, it still didn't work, and so that can actually reinforce all of those feelings that drove you to those behaviors in the first place. So that can be a really, really painful dynamic, and, you know, it's one that I've certainly played into in the past and very glad to say, you know, mostly it doesn't doesn't really come up for me anymore, but, you know, if that's something that you relate to, know that it's really, really, unfortunately, common among folks with anxious attachment and is a big part of why building self worth and, you know, a stronger connection to yourself is such a big part of that healing journey. Okay.
[00:21:25]:
That was part 2. That was 11 to 20 on the 20 traits list. I really hope that that was helpful for you. I hope that that's, you know, giving you some more insight into yourself, and your patterns and what drives them and that, you know, big web or tapestry that is anxious attachment because it is so much more than, you know, just listing out a couple of headline traits. We can see how all of those, you know, tendrils or branches, they all kind of connect in this big, you know, web of you know, it does really start to make sense when we can say, ah, yeah, that makes sense in the context of that, and, you know, that fear or that insecurity and that drives this behavior. You know, I think that having that context for ourselves really allows us to not only access more compassion, but, you know, more understanding and allows us to, in turn, be more proactive about, okay, like, I I don't have to feel overwhelmed by this in a really frozen abstract way of just, you know, there's something wrong with me, and I'm broken, and I'm bad at relationships, and I always do this, when we start to be able to fill in the blanks a little and and kind of flesh it out, give some color to that, I think that allows us to feel much more empowered to start making shifts in the right direction. So, as I said, I really hope that that's been helpful, and if these points resonated with you, if you're, you know, nodding along and and feeling very seen, then, as I said, I would love to see you inside healing anxious attachment when doors open in a few days' time. And do make sure to jump on the wait list if you wanna access that exclusive pricing and bonuses.
[00:23:03]:
So thanks, guys, so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:23:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie_ _rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, relationship coach, anxious attachment style, traits, insecurity, breakups, emotional disentanglement, avoidant patterns, secure attachment, healing program, trust, intimacy, boundaries, self-worth, privacy, jealousy, hyperattuned, fear of abandonment, codependency, self-compassion, self-discovery, self-improvement, self-love, compassion, communication, emotional intelligence, love, support, self-care