#156 Sex & Attachment: How Anxious & Avoidant Attachment Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
In this episode, we’re diving into the how anxious and avoidant attachment styles can influence sexual relationships. Understanding these differences can be crucial for navigating intimacy in your relationship, whether you identify with one of these attachment styles or are in a relationship with someone who does.
We’ll cover five key differences in how anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and approach sex.
Emphasis on Emotional vs Physical Intimacy
Anxiously attached individuals may place a stronger emphasis on emotional intimacy and connection as a foundation for physical intimacy. In contrast, avoidantly attached individuals might prioritize physical intimacy while keeping emotional vulnerability at arm’s length.Overthinking vs Dissociating
When it comes to sex, those with an anxious attachment style may find themselves getting stuck in their heads, overthinking and ruminating on whether they’re pleasing their partner or what their partner might be thinking. Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might struggle to stay present during intimacy, often dissociating or emotionally checking out as a way to manage their discomfort with closeness.Focus on Other vs Focus on Self
Anxiously attached individuals often focus heavily on their partner’s needs and feelings during sex, sometimes to the detriment of their own experience. In contrast, avoidant individuals might approach sex with a more self-focused mindset, prioritising their own comfort and boundaries, which can create distance in the sexual connection.Libido / General Openness to Being Intimate
Anxious attachment can sometimes lead to a heightened desire for intimacy as a way to secure closeness and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals might experience a lower libido or be less open to intimacy, particularly if they feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness.Impact of Relational Tension on Desire for Sex
Relational tension can have opposite effects on anxious and avoidant individuals. Those with anxious attachment may seek sex as a way to repair or soothe relational tension, while those with avoidant attachment might withdraw further, seeing sex as a source of pressure rather than connection.
How Anxious and Avoidant Styles Impact Sexual Dynamics
Sex and attachment styles are deeply intertwined, often shaping the dynamics and quality of our intimate relationships. The ways in which individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles experience and relate to sex can markedly differ, significantly influencing their sexual interactions and relationship satisfaction.
The Anxious-Avoidant Sexual Spiral
One common pattern observed in relationships is the anxious-avoidant sexual spiral. Initially, the relationship might be characterised by intense physical attraction and a vibrant sex life, which can feel satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. As the relationship progresses, however, the avoidant partner may begin to withdraw sexually, leaving the anxious partner feeling distressed and rejected.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle where the anxious partner increases their attempts to rekindle the sexual connection, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure, further pulling away. This can create a vicious cycle of pursuing and distancing, exacerbating feelings of insecurity and unfulfillment for both parties.
Physical vs Emotional Intimacy
For anxiously attached individuals, sex often represents the pinnacle of emotional and physical intimacy. It serves as a powerful reassurance of the relationship’s stability and their partner’s desire for them. Anxious individuals often seek out sex not just for physical pleasure but as a means of securing emotional closeness and validation.
In contrast, avoidant individuals tend to view sex primarily as a physical act. The idea of sex as an emotional, intimate experience can be foreign or even uncomfortable for them. As relationships deepen and emotional expectations increase, avoidant individuals may experience a decline in sexual desire, struggling to reconcile emotional intimacy with sexual attraction.
Nervous System Responses During Sex
The physiological responses during sex can also differ significantly between anxious and avoidant individuals. Anxiously attached individuals often experience an overactive sympathetic nervous system response, leading to overthinking and difficulty being present. They might worry about their performance, their partner’s satisfaction, or how they are perceived, which can detract from their ability to enjoy the moment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, on the other hand, may struggle with presence but in a different way. They are more likely to dissociate or numb out, appearing emotionally and physically distant during sex. This lack of engagement can be distressing for their anxious partners, exacerbating their insecurities and perpetuating the avoidance.
Focus on Partner vs Self
Anxiously attached individuals tend to prioritise their partner’s experience during sex, often to the detriment of their own needs and desires. They focus on ensuring their partner is satisfied, seeing their partner’s pleasure as validation of their worth and as reassurance of the relationship’s health.
Avoidantly attached individuals may be more self-focused, attending to their own pleasure and expecting their partner to communicate their needs directly. This approach can come across as indifferent or selfish, but it stems from a different relational dynamic where self-sufficiency and autonomy are prioritised.
Openness to Sex
The inclination towards physical intimacy also varies. Anxiously attached individuals are often more open and ready for sex, viewing it as a vital means of maintaining connection and assessing the relationship’s health. They are typically more willing to engage in sex, even if they are not immediately in the mood, because it reassures them of their partner’s interest and commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, may be less spontaneous and more likely to reject sudden advances. The need for emotional and relational harmony is paramount for them to feel sexually inclined. If the relationship feels strained, their libido might decrease significantly, as they struggle to bridge the gap between emotional discord and physical intimacy.
Relational Strain and Sexual Desire
Interestingly, relational tension can influence sexual desire differently for anxious and avoidant individuals. For the anxiously attached, relational strain might heighten their desire for sex as a way to reconnect and mend the perceived rift. They see sex as a balm for the relationship and a critical indicator of their partner’s commitment.
Avoidantly attached individuals, however, might withdraw further when the relationship is under strain. The discomfort of emotional tension can dampen their sexual interest, as they find it challenging to engage intimately when they feel relational discord. They may see sex as a pressure-ridden obligation rather than a means to restore connection, thus pulling away even more.
Navigating These Dynamics
Understanding these dynamics is crucial for fostering healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationships. Acknowledging the influence of attachment styles can help partners navigate differences with greater empathy and insight. Anxiously attached individuals might work on building self-validation and communicating needs without pressurising their partner, while avoidantly attached individuals could focus on enhancing emotional connection and openness to vulnerability.
By recognising that these patterns are common and addressing them with compassion and willingness to adapt, couples can create a more balanced and satisfying sexual relationship. Letting go of the notion that one must change oneself entirely, and instead appreciating the intricate dance of attachment styles, can pave the way for deeper intimacy and stronger relationships.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you see your attachment style influencing your approach to sexual intimacy? Can you identify behaviours or thought patterns that reflect this?
In what ways do you use sexual intimacy as a barometer for your relationship's health? Does this create pressure or anxiety for you or your partner?
Consider your last intimate experience. Were you able to remain present and connected, or did you find yourself overthinking or dissociating? How might your attachment style have influenced this?
Reflect on a time you felt rejected or dismissed when initiating intimacy. How did this affect your feelings of self-worth? How might understanding attachment styles change your perception of this experience?
How comfortable are you with advocating for your own pleasure and desires during sex? Do you tend to prioritise your partner's experience over your own? How does this align with the characteristics of your attachment style?
Think about the role emotional intimacy plays in your sexual relationships. Do you see sex as an emotional connection or more as a physical act? How does this perspective influence your relational dynamics?
How does conflict or relational disharmony affect your interest in sex? Reflect on whether you become more anxiously engaged or avoidantly distant when things aren't perfect between you and your partner.
Is there a recurring pattern in your sexual dynamics that you believe might stem from an attachment-related wound or insecurity? How might you start addressing and healing this within yourself?
Are you open to discussing sexual issues and dynamics with your partner? How might an open and honest conversation about attachment styles improve your sexual relationship?
Reflect on the idea of "the anxious avoidant sexual spiral." Have you experienced this pattern in your relationships? How did it impact your connection and overall relationship satisfaction?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:31]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about sex and attachment, and specifically how anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to their experience of and how they relate to sexual intimacy. So this is a big topic. It's one that I have touched on before in the podcast, but not in recent history, and it's one that I do receive a lot of questions in DMs about people struggling with something to do with their sexual dynamic and wondering whether the attachment dynamics between them and their partner have anything to do with it. And as I always say, I think if attachment styles determine how we experience and relate to intimacy, then I think when you look at it in that way, of course that's going to affect how we relate to and experience sex, because sexual intimacy for a lot of us is pretty high up in terms of vulnerability and intimacy. And so, of course, if our attachment wounds are triggered by vulnerability and intimacy in our relationships, then of course sex is going to bring us into contact with those things in maybe a really accentuated way. And so, as we're going to talk about today, a lot of the dynamics and strategies that we'll see in other aspects of relationships are very much front and center, and if anything, can be even more pronounced and acute when it comes to the sexual relationship. And I think that can be really exacerbated.
[00:02:00]:
The distress that we feel and the sense of shame and brokenness can be exacerbated by the fact that there is so much shame around sex to begin with, and we don't talk about it very much. So I think in my experience, when people are struggling sexually, there tends to be much more of an inclination to cover it up, not talk about it, avoid it, and then assume that you're the only one experiencing it because you haven't heard about it anywhere else, or it's not really visible to you in other people's relationships. And I'll just say at the outset, being in the privileged position of hearing a lot of people's stories and being on the receiving end of people's questions and worries, I can assure you that you're far from alone if you can relate to what we're going to be talking about today. So that's what we're going to be covering. I'm going to be sharing 4 key ways in which anxious and avoidant leaning people differ in their experience of sex and how they think about sex in relationships and more broadly. And as I said, I'm hoping that that will normalize these things to the extent that you're experiencing them, and also point you in the right direction in terms of what you might need to work on, where your behavior is originating from within you, what may be wounded parts or insecurities, what subconscious drivers are perpetuating those patterns and how you might be able to shift it towards something healthier and more fulfilling. Now before we dive into today's episode, a final reminder about healing anxious attachment. Doors will be closing in a few days' time for this round and I'm not sure when the next round will be.
[00:03:35]:
Possibly at the end of the year, possibly early next year. But I would love to have you inside the program. We have a whole module on Secure Sexuality for anxiously attached people, how you can not only understand these dynamics and your part in them, but how you can cultivate a really secure sexuality within yourself, 1st and foremost, as a way to be more present and confident and really enjoy sex rather than using it as validation or a way to temperature check the relationship, which, as we'll get to, is very common among anxiously attached people. So if you're interested in joining Healing Anxious Attachment, I would love to have you head to my website or click the link in the show notes to join me and hundreds of others in this very special program. It's going to be a great round. I'm so excited for it. We've got a strong community component this time with a live online community and 4 live calls with me, which is more than ever before. So if you are feeling the pull, now is the time.
[00:04:39]:
Make sure you sign up in the next couple of days before registration closes because we won't be accepting anyone after the deadline. Okay. So let's talk sex and attachment. I have something that I term the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which sounds like a very dramatic name, and it can be quite dramatic in practice. But it's essentially the anxious avoidant trap, that pursue withdraw dynamic as applied to sex. And I've done episodes about this before, but very briefly to recap, what we'll often see in a relationship is that there's a strong sexual emphasis to the connection at the beginning. Lots of physical attraction, maybe you're having really intense sex, really chemistry fueled, and it's super exciting. And that feels great for both people.
[00:05:28]:
Right? It feels great for the anxious partner because they tend to really prioritize and find sex to be a really important barometer for the overall connection. But also, the anxious person loves feeling wanted, and so when they feel wanted at the start of the relationship, that feels really incredible. The avoidant partner just really enjoys that intimacy and feeling like they can express themselves in that way that is really intoxicating for them and can lead them to feel really attracted when they're able to have this strong, intense sexual connection with someone. That can really fuel a lot of their interest in the early stages of a relationship. But what tends to happen is that as things become more serious, so maybe when you go from casually seeing each other to exclusively seeing each other, or maybe when you go from exclusively seeing each other to moving in together, you know, depending on the timing, it's going to be different for everyone. But as you tend to progress towards more of a steady, comfortable relationship with more expectation, more reciprocity, more of an emotional connection alongside the physical, the avoidant partner tends to start to pull away sexually. They tend to feel less attracted, less interested in sex, and inevitably, that causes the anxious person to fire up, to freak out, panic, wonder what they've done wrong, and escalate in their attempts to restore the sexual connection to what it was, in part to alleviate their own fears that they've done something wrong or their partner's lost attraction because they're not good at sex or they don't like the way I look or they found someone else, all of these sorts of things. And inevitably then, as the anxious person starts to ramp up their efforts, the avoidant person feels pressured and overwhelmed, and whether they realize it or not, that pressure is a real buzzkill in terms of their interest in sex, because avoidant people tend not to like feeling pressured to do anything, and certainly not to feel a certain way, and so they become more avoidant with respect to sex.
[00:07:38]:
And on and on that cycle goes, and that can cause a lot of distress and disconnection on both sides, and leaving people feeling, is there something wrong with the relationship? That we don't have the same effortless sexual connection that we enjoyed to begin with. So that's what I call the anxious avoidant sexual spiral, which is essentially just the pursuer distance or dynamic as applied to sex. Now, picking apart some aspects of that and diving a little deeper, I want to share these 5 key ways in which anxious and avoidant people differ when it comes to sex. And the first one is around physical versus emotional intimacy. Now I think that it would be fair to say that anxiously attached people struggle with being vulnerable around sex as much as avoidant people do. But even still, anxious people seek out sex both for the emotional connection and the physical intimacy. So there is this sense that sex is maybe the culmination of closeness with someone. And so for anxious partners, that's something that they seek out.
[00:08:41]:
And oftentimes, there's no upper limit on how often or how much sexual intimacy an anxious partner would like because it feels like there's really clear reinforcement of the bond. And so if I feel best when I'm connected to you, when am I more connected than when we're having sex or we've just had sex? Right? That feels like kind of the apotheosis of connection. And so for someone who's anxiously attached, it feels very reassuring if there's a very vibrant sexual relationship, because they think, my partner's not going to leave me if they really enjoy having sex with me and we're having a lot of sex. Right? That's a really surefire way for an anxious person to feel, you know, close, connected, reassured. And so for anxiously attached people, that tends to be a very high ranking priority kind of relationship need is for the sexual relationship to be there. And the flip side of that is that if there's something wrong with the sexual relationship, so to speak, if there's a sudden change in frequency or tone to the sexual relationship, then the anxious partner is gonna take that as meaning something about the relationship as a whole. They really do tend to use sex as a barometer for the overall health of the relationship. On the other hand, the avoidant partner tends to be much more focused on the physical component of sex.
[00:10:03]:
And that's not to say they don't enjoy sex, but the idea of sex being this romantic, intimate, emotional experience is probably not only foreign to an avoidant partner, but also maybe quite uncomfortable. And we can see that in the way that an avoidant partner tends to distance when emotions, when intimacy and vulnerability get brought into the relational sphere as a relationship progresses, or maybe as the relationship becomes more comfortable, moves away from that initial sense of novelty and excitement and adventure and newness that comes with a relationship at the beginning as it settles into something a bit more predictable and safe. For a lot of avoidant people, they don't know how to reconcile that level of familiarity with sexual arousal, desire, attraction, which they do tend to experience as a mostly physical act rather than one that is heightened by emotional connection and in turn deepens the emotional connection. So that's a really key distinction between anxious and avoidant people, in how they process this idea of emotional and physical intimacy. Okay. So the next key difference between anxious and avoidant people insofar as sex is concerned is what your nervous system tends to do during sex. So for anxiously attached people, you'll typically experience your whole body and system going into overdrive during sex, like a kind of overactive, mobilised sympathetic nervous system stress response. So this will typically show up as really overthinking, so struggling to just be present and embodied.
[00:11:47]:
Because you're so stuck in your head, you may be thinking, what are they thinking? Are they enjoying themselves? How do I look right now? All of these sorts of insecurities. Am I doing this right? All of that is likely to be, like, very active in your mind, in that kind of problem solving, obsessing mode that will be familiar to so many anxious people, you know, outside of the bedroom. But you'll likely see that kind of experience very much front and center for you when it comes to sex. So in that same overthinking, very, very active mentally, and unable to switch your mind off so that you can actually just relax and enjoy. On the flip side of that, avoidant people also really struggle with being present and embodied, but they tend to go the other way. And this really mirrors your respective stress responses anyway. So you've probably heard me talk about conflict. Same thing, right? Anxious people dial up, and they go into a very mobilized stress response, whereas avoidant people tend to numb out or dissociate, and you'll see that sexually as well for a lot of avoidant people.
[00:12:54]:
They struggle with presence, but because they're kind of numb, they might feel blank, not very present, not very engaged. It might feel if you're partnered with someone who is more avoidant that they're not really in the room, that it feels like they're just totally vacant. And of course, that can impede your ability to connect and really enjoy, and these things tend to reinforce each other. So if you're more anxious and you see your partner who's got their eyes closed or is is just not really present, you can feel that they're energetically not really present, then that's going to send your insecurities really spiraling, wondering if they're having a good time, wondering if you're doing something wrong, and that takes you out of presence even more so, so we can see how those responses bounce off each other insofar as sex is concerned. Okay. The next difference between anxious and avoidant people is that, again, this kind of mirrors what we see outside of sex, which is that anxiously attached people will almost always focus to extreme degrees on their partner's experience during sex. So they're only concerned with their partner enjoying it. So they're very focused on giving pleasure to their partner and ensuring that everything is to their partner's preferences.
[00:14:10]:
Don't worry about me, whatever works for you, so long as you come out of this experience having had a good time and feeling positively about it, that's all I need. Right? And you can hear aspects of the broader relational dynamic in that. Don't worry about my needs, so long as your needs are taken care of, so long as you're happy with me, then I'm happy. Right? So it tends to show up for a lot of anxious people in sex, whereas for avoidant people, they tend to be more focused on themselves. So they're focused on their experience. They may be less likely to go out of their way to take care of their partner unless they're specifically asked to, and they have this sense of, we'll just do the thing, and I'll take care of me, and I'll ask for what I want, and it's up to you to ask for what you want. I'm not going to go out of my way to, you know, accommodate you or cater this to your preferences unless you specifically ask me to. And while that might sound people might hear that and go, oh, wow.
[00:15:05]:
Avoiding people are so selfish. I think it's just important to recognize that both of those ways of of approaching sex are, as always, at opposite ends of the spectrum. Right? And what we really want is to be able to both focus on the other person and ourselves, to be able to advocate for our own pleasure, and our own preferences and our own experience, while also obviously taking the other person into account, and obviously wanting them to be enjoying themselves and their experience to be catered to as much as ours. So, as always, we want to walk off the ledges at our opposite extremes and find our way into a healthy middle. Okay. The next key difference between anxious and avoidant people when it comes to sex is openness to having sex. So anxiously attached people will pretty much now of course, this is a huge generalization, but pretty much always be open to physical intimacy. Of course, within the parameters of life constraints, but it's very rare that an anxiously attached person is going to just be completely closed off to the idea of sex, because there tends to be a general readiness for connection in the system of the anxiously attached person.
[00:16:17]:
So if their partner initiates some sort of physical intimacy, the anxiously attached person is probably going to be quite receptive to that. Whereas for avoidant people, they don't have that same simmer a lot of the time. They tend to be in their own world and it can be quite jarring for them to suddenly switch gears. So if you're the anxious partner and you initiate some sort of physical intimacy or sex with your partner in quite an abrupt way, they might really push that away and go, I'm not in the mood, or not now, or something else that feels quite dismissing and rejecting, just because they struggle to switch gears quickly, and they feel like that's a lot of pressure, and I'm not perfectly ready and in the mood, and so I'm not really open to it at all. And that's quite different to, you'll know this if you're more anxious, that you could probably be convinced or persuaded to get in the mood even if you're not immediately there, because the idea of connection and physical intimacy, sex with your partner is such a a positive one. It's something that you really value very highly, and so it's rare that you'll go to pass up the opportunity, particularly if sex is something that feels strange in your relationship. All the more so that you're likely to want to be intimate with your partner because you feel like it's such an important thing. And that sort of leads me into the last one, which is anxiously attached people, the more strange the relationship has been, the more you're probably going to want to focus on sex, or the more interested you're going to be in sex, because you do see it as almost this panacea that alleviates a lot of your fears and insecurities about the state of the relationship.
[00:18:02]:
So if you're fighting a lot or things have felt disconnected or there's been other stuff going on between you that hasn't felt great, For you as an anxiously attached person, if you have sex, it's likely to feel like, oh, okay. Well, at least we had sex. Right? That's a good sign. That means that things aren't too dire. They still love me. I feel reassured about the state of our relationship because we've had sex. For the avoidant partner, it's likely to go the other way. So if there's been some sort of relational disharmony, if you felt disconnected, they're likely to pull away more, and be less interested in sex rather than more.
[00:18:43]:
Because I think for a lot of avoidant people, again, whether they realize it or not, they can have this programming of, everything has to be perfect in order for me to want to have sex. And if things haven't been great between us, I might just feel generally not particularly interested in being around you or being close to you, because I have some negative associations around that at the moment. And so if I'm distancing more broadly, I'm certainly going to be distancing with respect to sex, particularly when I know that for you it carries this emotional overlay that I'm not comfortable with, so I just tend to become more avoidant with respect to sex altogether when things are feeling a little fraught or tense between us. So those were 5 key differences in how anxious and avoidant people relate to sex. I hope that that's been interesting for you. I know that this is a topic that, as I said, a lot of people really struggle with and and maybe isn't talked about enough, and I think that it's so important that we do talk about it and understand it so that we don't internalise whatever we're struggling with and think that there's something just fundamentally wrong with us as individuals or the relationship, because these really are very common dynamics. And as I said, there are things that can be done. It's not something that you're stuck with forever, but it just requires some awareness as a first step, and then obviously a willingness to be vulnerable and to take risks, because vulnerability is risky, and particularly when it comes to sex, it can feel all the more so.
[00:20:19]:
So being willing to talk about it, being willing to interrupt our own default patterns to the extent that they might be making things worse rather than better, and questioning those stories that we might carry around our worth being tied to whether someone wants us. I know that's a big one for anxious attaches and can make, you know, any of these dynamics feel so much more painful and can really cause us a lot of suffering because we think that we are not good enough, and we need to change ourselves in order for our partners to want us. And as I've laid out today, there's a lot more going on than that, and oftentimes it's about another person's insecurities and their stuff rather than something that you've done or not done, or something about you that you need to change in order to change the situation. So I hope that that's been helpful. As I said, if this has resonated for you and you'd like support with this and all of the other stuff when it comes to anxious attachment, I would love to see you inside Healing Anxious Attachment. You've got a few more days to join. I'd love to see you there. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I will see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:21:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment theory, relationships, sex, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, sexual intimacy, relationship coach, vulnerability, intimacy, attachment styles, emotional connection, physical intimacy, nervous system response, sexual experience, relationship health, relationship dynamics, insecure attachment, relationship struggles, sexual dynamic, partner connection, avoidant partner, anxious partner, relational disharmony, sexual relationship, attachment wounds, healing anxious attachment, Secure Sexuality, anxious avoidant sexual spiral, pursue withdraw dynamic, relationship advice, overcoming insecurity.
#153 3 Tips for Avoidant Attached People to Experience Healthier Conflict
This week, we're talking all about how avoidant attached people can experience conflict in a healthier, more productive way. I'll be sharing three tips that will allow you to feel more connected, grounded and in control in the way you approach conflict in your relationship.
Navigating Conflict for Avoidant Attachments: Three Key Tips
Conflict in relationships is inevitable. However, for those with avoidant attachment styles, conflict can often feel particularly daunting. It may lead to withdrawal, a sense of numbness, or an overwhelming desire to keep the peace at all costs. Understanding how to navigate these situations can transform conflict from a point of contention into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection. Here are three key tips for those with avoidant attachment styles to experience healthier conflict in their relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Internal Experience
During conflict, it’s common for avoidantly attached individuals to feel overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. Rather than engaging, they might find themselves disassociating or unable to articulate their thoughts and feelings. When this happens, it’s vital to communicate what is going on internally. A simple phrase like, “I hear you, but I’m struggling to find the words right now,” can be profoundly impactful.
By acknowledging your experience, you offer your partner insight into your emotional state. This not only reduces the tension but also helps your partner feel heard and validated. Instead of viewing your silence as indifference or disengagement, your partner can understand that you are trying but are in need of a moment to gather your thoughts. This transparency fosters empathy and reduces the likelihood of the conversation escalating into an unproductive argument.
2. Listen Beyond the Words
Conflicts often come with a barrage of complaints and criticisms, especially when one partner has an anxious attachment style. For avoidant individuals, this can feel like an attack, prompting defensive reactions or withdrawal. Instead of responding to the literal complaints, try to listen to the underlying emotions and needs.
For example, if your partner says, “You never spend time with me,” they might actually be expressing feelings of loneliness or a need for more connection. By responding to the emotion beneath the complaint—such as saying, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely, and I’m sorry for that”—you demonstrate empathy and understanding. This approach helps to defuse tension and shifts the conversation from blame towards a mutual understanding and solution.
3. Requesting Time-Outs Constructively
When emotions run high, continuing the conversation can sometimes do more harm than good. If you feel yourself becoming too defensive or shutting down emotionally, don’t be afraid to request a time-out. However, it’s crucial to frame this request in a way that reassures your partner you are not avoiding the issue altogether.
Say something like, “I need some time to calm down and gather my thoughts. Can we continue this discussion in a couple of hours?” Providing a specific time to reconvene signals to your partner that you are committed to addressing the conflict but need a moment to regain composure. This time can help both of you approach the issue with a clearer mind and a calmer emotional state, making the conversation more productive.
Conclusion
Avoidant attachments can make conflict in relationships particularly challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an insurmountable hurdle. By acknowledging your internal experiences, listening beyond the surface complaints, and requesting time-outs constructively, it’s possible to navigate conflicts more healthily and constructively. These practices can lead not only to a resolution but also to a deeper understanding and connection between partners. Embracing these strategies can transform conflict from a dreaded event into an opportunity for growth and closeness.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself avoiding conflicts in your relationship? Reflect on why this might be – is it a fear of long, draining conversations or something else?
How do you typically respond when you feel overwhelmed during a conflict? Do you tend to shut down, dissociate, or become defensive?
Have you ever tried expressing that you’re struggling to find the words during a heated conversation? How did it impact the interaction?
How do you perceive your partner's complaints or criticisms? Are you able to see the underlying emotions or needs that might be driving their concerns?
When your partner feels neglected or lonely, how do you usually react? Can you think of ways to acknowledge their feelings more effectively?
During conflicts, do you notice yourself becoming highly defensive or numb? How do these responses affect your ability to resolve the issue constructively?
What might it look like for you to ask for a time out during a conflict? How can you communicate the need for a break without it feeling like an escape to your partner?
Reflect on a recent conflict. Were you able to understand your partner's underlying emotions and needs? How might you have approached it differently with this understanding?
How do you currently manage your need for space during conflicts? Is this communicated effectively to your partner?
Is there a pattern in your conflicts where you feel particularly misunderstood or invalidated? How might you address this with your partner to foster better mutual understanding and resolution?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Healing Anxious Attachment is relaunching soon! Join the waitlist here.
Check out my couples course, Secure Together (& save $200 with the code SECURE)
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are doing 3 tips for avoidant attaches during conflict. So if you listened last week, I did sort of part 1 of this topic, which was 3 tips for anxiously attached people during conflict. And as promised, I'm coming back with part 2 this week, which is around avoidant attachment, and some steps that avoidant attaches can take to shift the the status quo in conflict in your relationships. As I spoke to last week, we all contribute to these patterns even if we feel like it's really easy to blame the other person.
[00:01:05]:
You know, if they didn't do their thing, I wouldn't do my thing. That tends to be true on both sides, and that is good news because it means that we have more power over changing the patterns than maybe we realize. So today's episode is going to be sharing some pointers for avoidant people in conflict with your partner so that you can hopefully have more productive conversations where you can really hear each other and get to a resolution that is mutually satisfactory, quicker maybe than than you tend to. I know that for avoiding attaches, one of the big gripes with their anxious partners is, you know, having conversations that go on for hours and hours and hours. And I know that that can feel excruciatingly painful and can really feed into your resistance to talking about relationship stuff more broadly because you feel like every time you open the can of worms, it's signing up for one of those big, drawn out, long, emotional conversations that are so taxing for you. So hopefully with these few tips today, you can short circuit some of that and maybe find a new way of doing things that allows both you and your partner to get what you need out of those conversations rather than swirling around in them endlessly. Before I dive into these three tips, a reminder in case you missed it last week, Healing Anxious Attachment, my signature program, is coming back in a few weeks' time. So if you are interested in joining the wait list for that program, being on the wait list simply gives you guaranteed access to exclusive early bird pricing, as well as being notified when doors open so that you can make sure that you don't miss out.
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We've had over 2,000 people in the program. It always gets really beautiful feedback. And if you are someone who struggles with anxious attachment and would like to work on becoming more secure, I would love to have you there. So please do check that out if you're interested, jump on the wait list, and yeah, I hope to see as many of you there as possible. Okay. Let's dive into this conversation around avoidant attachment and conflict. So as I did with anxious attachment, I will set the scene briefly. For avoidant attaches, I think it would be fair to say that conflict avoidance is the norm, and that can come from different places, as I alluded to in the introduction, that can come from a place of not wanting to have to embark upon those very long, painful conversations that can feel I think they're draining for everyone, but they're particularly draining for the avoidant partner who, you know, it is not their comfort zone to be talking about emotions for 3 hours, whether it's their emotions or someone else's, particularly when they feel like those conversations are just an opportunity for them to be dragged through the mud and told all of the ways that they are not good enough, not measuring up, disappointing their partner.
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That's a big ask for someone to sit through that. And so I think for avoidant attaches, there can be this sense of, let's just not talk about it. If we don't talk about it, then there's no problem. And they can be quite content with, you know, leaving things unsaid, maybe sweeping things under the rug because that feels much more peaceful and conducive to overall harmony than having those big conversations. Those conversations can just feel like, you know, from the avoidant perspective, it's like, why would we possibly want to do that? It is such a, you know, it is such a burdensome thing to have to do to sit through those conversations. Whereas for the anxious partner, it's, we absolutely must have those conversations because if we don't have those conversations, it's all I can think about. Whereas for the one partner, it's like, it's the last thing I want to think about, all of those issues in our relationship, so I just compartmentalize and carry on with my life quite happily. So again, neither is better or worse.
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It's just totally different approaches to conflict, and that's why it's so important to, you know, foster and cultivate more understanding and awareness of the ways in which our partner might be different to us, because then we can depersonalize it a bit and realize that, you know, they're not out to get us, they're actually just out to protect themselves, and this goes for most everyone. Okay. So for avoidant attaches, there can be this commitment to keeping the peace and harmony, as well as avoiding those sorts of conversations which really do detract from their overall sense of the relationship being worthwhile. I think that while anxiously attached people will happily have those conversations and have those sorts of conflicts, and not then think that there's anything wrong with the relationship. For avoidant attaches, it can really wear them down quite quickly and can make them feel like, you know, this shouldn't be happening. In a good relationship, we wouldn't be having these fights, and so it can really, you know, detract from their overall satisfaction with the relationship. So here are my tips for avoiding attaches during conflict. The first one is really simple but it almost feels like a hack because I think it is that simple but that effective.
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And it is if you don't know what to say, which will often happen for avoidant attaches because you tend to slow down during conflict, you tend to go blank, go numb, you might feel like your partner's just talking at you and you've totally dissociated from your body. You, you know, can't even hear them. You know, they're speaking for 5 minutes straight, and you can't actually remember what they've said. And so you just kind of sit there staring into your hands or staring at the wall, and you could feel their frustration and irritation mounting, and then they might get, you know, even more kind of attacking at you and say, well, aren't you gonna say something? You're just sitting there. I just said all of this stuff, and you don't even have anything to say. Don't you care at all? Those sorts of, you know, escalations which can feel just like a lot of pressure when you're already, you know, really struggling and really stressed, just say, I'm having a really hard time finding the words. I hear you, but I'm really struggling to gather my thoughts or to know what to say. That is 1,000,000 times better than saying nothing, I promise.
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And I say this as someone who leans more anxious. If my partner says, I hear you, but I'm struggling to find the words right now to articulate myself, that is so much better than him saying nothing. And that allows me to know that I've been heard and to feel validated and understood, but also it allows me to access compassion and empathy for the fact that, you know, he's having a hard time. When he just sits there silently, and to be fair, he doesn't do this very often, but if he just sits there silently, it's really easy for me to have an internal narrative that he, you know, isn't listening, doesn't care, isn't engaging, isn't putting an effort, just from that very fear driven self protective place. But as soon as he's able to articulate what's going on for him, you know, narrating that inner experience, of I'm feeling really numb, I'm having a hard time finding the words, immediately I can go, oh, okay. I know this person. I know they care. I know they're doing their best, and I don't have to feel so defensive, and I'm sure that applies for many people.
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So saying what you're feeling, even if it's I don't know what to say or I'm feeling numb or I'm feeling defensive, those things are so much better than saying nothing. Okay. The next one is and this is a big ask and it's really hard, but try to hear through your partner's complaint to the desire that sits underneath or to the emotion that sits underneath. So if you have a more anxious leaning partner, as you typically will if you are more avoidant, your partner probably comes at you in conflict with what sounds like a long list of complaints of things that you aren't doing right or that you need to do differently. And it's very easy and understandable that you would sit there and switch off or become very defensive in response to that, that you might want to argue with their analysis of you and point out all the ways in which they are wrong or you don't agree. But that will only lead them to feel invalidated and escalate and take your fighting back as proof that you don't really care about them and so on and so forth. Whereas if you're able to say, it sounds like you've been feeling a bit lonely when they're saying you never spent time with me and you don't even prioritize me. If you can find it within yourself to peel back the top layer, which is coming through as a complaint or a criticism or an attack, and go, what's the feeling under here? What are they needing from me? What's like the tenderness? What's the hurt? And can I speak to that? Can I respond to that rather than the actual words that they've said? Because I promise you, if you're able to say, I'm so sorry.
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It sounds like you've really been missing spending time together, or I hear you. I'm hearing that you're feeling neglected or lonely, or it sounds like it's hard for you. When I'm, you know, not communicative, I'm really sorry. I'll try and do better. It's almost like you're just taking a pin and popping the balloon, and it's all just gonna deflate all of that tension in your partner because really what they're doing and, you know, undeniably, they could be more skillful about it. Right? Anxious partners can be really almost aggressive in the way that they approach this, and that is not helpful. I will be the 1st to admit that, it's not productive. But if you can find it within yourself to look through underneath to the tender part of whatever it is they're trying to say, it will just stop the whole argument in its tracks, I promise.
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And that will really allow them to feel so seen and held, which is all they really want. Right? In all of those big, long conversations, I promise all they want is to feel validated and cared for. And so if you can find a way to say, I see you, it makes sense why you're feeling the way you're feeling, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I care about what you have to say, it's just like the whole thing will will melt and you'll be back into connection. They'll let go of all of that anger and frustration that they're coming at you with, and you'll be able to find your way to a much more constructive solution much more quickly. So try and see through, you know, the complaint to whatever the the hurt or the pain is underneath. And if you can wrap that in some love and care, then you're going to be having a whole different conversation with a whole different version of your partner. Okay. And the third one is, and this is really one for you in terms of supporting yourself, don't be afraid to ask for a time out or some space if you need it.
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So it's really not worthwhile to persist in conflict if you are feeling really dysregulated, if you are, like, totally numbed out, if you are very angry and defensive, if you notice those sorts of responses coming up and you are just so entrenched in seeing your partner is the bad guy and is the enemy and you feel, like, a lot of anger or, you know, frustration, defensiveness towards them, there's no point in just persevering. And this is true on both sides. This is a tip for anxious people as well. There is no point persevering once you reach a certain point of dysregulation because you are not hearing each other. All you're seeing is like red. Right? Both of you. It's just in total threat mode, and you are just in attack, defend, fight, flight. It is not productive to have a conversation from that place.
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Your empathy is offline, your rationality is offline, you're both in this very tunnel visioned place. So don't just push through thinking that, you know, if you stay in it long enough you're going to find your way to a resolution. You almost certainly won't, you'll just end up hurting each other, and walking away from it feeling really depleted and disconnected. So don't be afraid to ask for a time out if you need one. And, you know, the helpful thing, and I've given this advice many times before, if you are more avoidant, say, look, I think we should take a time out. I notice I'm getting really defensive. I don't think this is going to be very constructive right now. Can we come back to this in 2 hours? Or whatever.
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But ask for the time out and serve up the reassurance of I'm not just trying to escape, I'm not just trying to get out of the conversation altogether, because if there's any sense of that, your partner is going to protest against the time out. But if you can say, I need some space and I do want to hear what you have to say, I just don't think I can right now. I don't think I have the capacity right now. And and really frame it in a way that I'm asking for this time out so that I can better hear you because this is important to me, and I do care, rather than I just need space because you're too much, and I don't want to deal with this right now, which is not going to land very well. So don't be afraid to ask for the time out if you need, but serve up the, you know, when and where we're gonna come back to this and follow through on that. Okay? Don't just wait until they raise it, or don't try and get out of it somehow. You know, be respectful of what you've said and and of them by coming back to the conversation when you said you would. Okay.
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So those were the 3 tips for avoidant attaches on better conflict. I hope that that's been helpful, both for those avoidant folks who are listening, but also for their anxious partners. Maybe you can listen to this together or or share it with your partner. If you've enjoyed this episode, so grateful for those of you who do leave reviews and ratings on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. For anyone who wants to watch rather than listen, a reminder that these are all uploaded to YouTube, and if you wanna go and like and subscribe there, that is hugely helpful as I am trying to build a YouTube channel. It's very humbling to start from scratch on a new platform. But, yes, thank you for all of your support, and I hope to see you again next week. Thanks, guys.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Attachment styles, avoidant attachment, conflict resolution, relationships, relationship tips, insecure attachment, healthy relationships, anxious attachment, emotional regulation, avoidant behaviour, communication skills, relationship coaching, attachment patterns, avoidance in relationships, anxious partner, avoiding conflict, emotional support, relationship dynamics, conflict management, relationship satisfaction, relationship struggles, practical guidance, understanding partners, managing conflict, attachment coaching, relational harmony, attachment awareness, emotional connection, relationship podcast, relationship tools