Am I Being Unreasonable? (Part 1)
One of the things I’m most often asked is “How do I know if I’m being unreasonable in my relationship?”. This can be a really tough enquiry to determine for yourself, particularly when you’re getting a lot of pushback and self-trust may be lacking.
In today’s episode, I’m offering my take on your specific examples as to whether certain expectations, requests or situations are reasonable (or not), to help you to be able to build your discernment muscle and ultimately feel equipped to make that decision for yourself in your relationships.
WHAT WE’LL COVER:
Should someone text me everyday after 1 or 2 dates
Asking my partner to stop speaking to his ex because I compare myself with her
Asking my significant other to not like scandalous or seductive pictures online
Asking my partner to check in with me when they get home safely after drinking
Wanting regular sleepovers when he sleeps better alone
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Apply for my 6-month Homecoming Mastermind
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
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You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship Coach Stephanie Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is titled am I Being Unreasonable?
0:00:33.63 → 0:01:16.88
And it is inspired by a question that I get asked all the time, which is just that how do I know if I'm being unreasonable in my relationship, in what I ask for, what I expect, what I need from my partner? This is a question that I get asked all the time and unfortunately, it's really challenging for me to answer that in the abstract. And that's what I always say to people. I'm not able to give you some sort of rule of thumb that is going to be generalised enough to apply in every situation in a helpful way, because it's just so dependent on context. So I had the idea to ask people on Instagram what are some examples of situations in your relationship where you ask yourself that question, how do I know if I'm being unreasonable?
0:01:16.94 → 0:02:18.00
And I got inundated with responses and so I recorded all of those responses and have selected some to chat through in today's episode as specific examples to share my take on whether and when and to what extent that thing might be reasonable or not to expect of a partner. So I'm hoping that in taking it out of the abstract and in giving you almost, like worked examples, that that will not only give you a bit of a steer on how you could approach those specific situations, but in filling in the blanks a little in colouring in the picture that might help you to build up your own muscle of discernment so that you feel better placed to make that assessment for yourself going forward in your own relationships. It's sort of teaching someone to fish and enabling them to then eat for a lifetime, as the saying goes. So that is what today is going to be about. And I've got at least two parts to this episode plan because, as I said, I received a lot of responses from you guys.
0:02:18.10 → 0:03:12.29
And if it's a format that you enjoy, as in me speaking to specific questions that you've sent in, do let me know by leaving a review or sending me a message on Instagram or leaving a little comment on spotify, which you're now able to do under the episodes so that I know that you like the format and I can take that on board when planning future episodes. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that you might have heard me say, for the month of June, I'm offering 50% off my Higher Love Breakup course, as well as my free Master classes with the code June 50 so you can go to my website and save 50% off any of those programmes. So if you've been interested in delving a little deeper into my work, now is a great time to do that. I've also been meaning to mention this is a very delayed announcement because it's definitely not new, but about a month ago I launched a standalone website for the podcast.
0:03:12.34 → 0:03:49.07
So you can now go to onattachment.com and scroll through all of the episodes. There's resources there and you can also ask a question. So there's a form that will allow you to submit a question. As you would probably know if you've been listening for a while, I have frequent Q and A episodes where I'm addressing a community question and now there is a way for you to do that that's a little more organised than sending me random DMs and stuff that can get lost. So it's a nice centralised place for you to submit a question if you'd like me to address your specific concern or situation that you're in in a future episode.
0:03:49.15 → 0:04:15.39
So on attachment.com, it's got lots of resources and we are at the very early stages of that and have plans to build it out into a really helpful resource. So go cheque it out if you're a fan of the podcast. Finally, just to share the featured review, which is I just want to let you know how grateful I am for your podcast. For me, it was a revelation that all those types of attachment exists and knowing mine and my partner's attachment is helping me a lot in how to improve my relationship. Thank you so much.
0:04:15.54 → 0:04:53.69
Thanks so much for that beautiful review. If that was yours, please send a message to podcast@stephanierigg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my masterclasses as a way to say thank you. Okay, so let's dive into this conversation around am I being unreasonable? Now, the first one that I want to speak to, and there were many, many, many versions of this that I received, were am I being unreasonable when I expect someone to text me every day after one or two dates? So by far and away the most frequent theme in the responses that I got was around texting texting frequency.
0:04:54.43 → 0:05:46.09
Things like I want my partner to text me every morning, text me every night, I want text throughout the day when we're at work. So there's clearly a lot of expectation happening here around texting frequency. And without knowing, with certainty, my strong assumption is that this is mostly coming from anxiously attached people who, as we know, have a strong preference for very frequent communication, being in contact. And in the absence of that contact, there can be a lot of storytelling and meaning making and stress and anxiety that takes hold pretty quickly and can escalate. So there are a few things that I would say to this I think that expecting someone to text you every day after one or two dates, it's really important to distinguish between a reasonable expectation and a legitimate desire, we might say.
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So I think that to the extent that someone doesn't text you every day after one or two dates and you are spiralling into that means they don't care about me, they don't like me, they're going to ghost me, they've lost interest, I wasn't impressive enough. They clearly don't really want to see me or invest in me. Because if they did, then they would be texting me all the time. There's a lot of meaning making happening there and that is projecting your own preferences and your own norms around texting onto someone else and then interpreting their behaviour through that lens. The reality is that not everyone likes texting all the time.
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If you are, as I said, more anxious, then that's probably hard for you to wrap your head around because there is a strong preference to be in constant contact with someone, particularly in those early stages when you're very excited about it. But I think we do need to remember that not everyone has the same preferences. And frankly, what I would say to anyone who struggles with this whole thing around texting frequency is that it's not really healthy to be texting someone all the time and to be expecting that. And I think that if you were honest with yourself, you'd recognise that it is distracting for you. It probably occupies a lot of your field of vision to be in that constant back and forth texting.
0:07:03.95 → 0:07:43.11
I know that when I've been in patterns of that in the past, it's like I can't focus on anything else. I'm picking up my phone constantly, I'm anticipating the next text and you get a text and then you get that little dopamine spike and then you get the plummet afterwards and you're waiting for the next spike. It's very addictive and it's very all consuming and for me, at least, as I said, I've experienced this. It's really hard to be present with anything else that's going on in my life because I'm so absorbed by my phone and by the anticipation of the next text from this person. So there's this sense of reaching and never enoughness when it comes to super frequent texting.
0:07:43.16 → 0:08:23.33
So I suppose all of that to say my advice would be don't make meaning out of the fact that you're not getting daily texts from someone after one or two dates. That's a slippery slope and is probably going to lead you to personalise someone's behaviour when you don't really know anything about their behaviour. You don't know that that means something that might just be them being different to you. I think you're allowed to reach out to someone, you're allowed to want to talk to them, but you also can't impose your requirements in a really demanding way on someone else and particularly when those requirements or when those expectations are maybe not the most healthy thing either. So I think the advice would be try and take it slow, particularly at the start.
0:08:23.42 → 0:08:55.76
One or two dates is not that much. And consider putting boundaries in place for your own texting use and frequency. This urgency culture where we all expect everyone to be available to everyone all the time in this very unrelenting way, is harmful and it leads us to all be anxious and depleted and exhausted. So consider putting some boundaries in place for your own texting usage. So maybe you send a message to someone at the start of the day and then say to them, I'll chat to you tomorrow, or maybe we can talk later tonight.
0:08:55.90 → 0:09:33.57
So that you've put some boundaries and expectations in place in a more direct and overt way, and you're not just waiting for the possibility that you might get a text from them at any moment. And in so doing, being really tethered to your phone, being really anxious and waiting on someone else in a way that detracts from your ability to be present in the rest of your life. So that was a bit of a long winded answer, but I think there's some principles in there that will be relevant to a lot of people. And of course, the reasonableness will also hinge on one or two dates. That might be a different story if you've been dating someone for three months.
0:09:33.64 → 0:10:13.11
Right? I think it's reasonable to expect daily cheque ins if you've been dating someone for a little longer. But I think after a date we do have to just pull back a little and calibrate our expectations and remind ourselves that this person is more or less a stranger and we don't really have the right or entitlement to demand that level of attention and time of theirs in the specific way that we would prefer it. Okay, the next one is am I being unreasonable when I ask him to stop speaking to his ex as I compare myself to her and it makes me feel not good enough? So there's a few layers to this.
0:10:13.20 → 0:11:01.10
I think that what I hear in this question is the need to take a little more responsibility for the latter half of it, which is I need him to stop speaking to his ex because I compare myself to her and I feel not good enough. Right. It's like I need you to stop doing that because I have all of these other things going on and the insecurities that I have lead me to feel a certain way in response to your behaviour. So there's sort of two prongs to it right now. If someone is speaking to their ex several times a day in a way that just doesn't feel right, then I think that we are absolutely entitled to raise concerns or to say, look, I'm not accusing you of anything, but I'm not really comfortable with that.
0:11:01.23 → 0:11:52.57
It doesn't really feel good for me and I'm noticing myself experiencing some insecurities about it and it's something that I'm struggling with opening up a conversation in a way that's self responsible but also honest. I think that's a reasonable course of action. But if someone is in casual contact with an ex in a way that is, for all intents and purposes, pretty above board, and they just have a good, friendly, amicable relationship and they keep in touch from time to time. I'm not sure that in that scenario, it's reasonable or advisable to say you need to stop speaking to her because I'm threatened by the fact that you guys still have a friendship and that you are in contact at all. I think that is maybe crossing the line from a reasonable request to being controlling from a place of insecurity.
0:11:52.65 → 0:12:26.51
So I think that's kind of the line that we'd be looking to draw and querying is there something that feels off about this situation? And again, it's not really the kind of thing that I can give you any kind of objective marker about because it will be contextual, but that's the level of discernment that we want to cultivate. Is there something that just doesn't feel right about this situation? Does it feel disrespectful in some way? Does it feel inappropriate or do they just have an amicable friendship and that's uncomfortable for you because you really struggle with jealousy and comparison and insecurity?
0:12:26.69 → 0:12:55.82
If the latter, then I think that's primarily your work. With that being said, I think you can still either way share vulnerably with your partner, what you're experiencing. But I don't know that it's one you can demand they change their behaviour so that you feel less insecure. Because ultimately if it's not the ex, it's going to be someone else, right? And just controlling our partner, saying oh, you can't speak to that woman at work or you can't chat to the barista or whatever else, right?
0:12:56.00 → 0:13:37.17
We're trying to control someone else's behaviour so that we don't have to deal with our insecurities that are fundamentally ours to deal with. Okay, the next 01:00 a.m. I being unreasonable when I ask my significant other to not like scandalous or seductive pictures of other women online. So this is something that I hear a lot, women who struggle with their partners, following a lot of accounts on Instagram that are essentially very provocative, let's say, to put it lightly and feeling uncomfortable with that. And this is one where I would personally say I don't think that's unreasonable at all.
0:13:37.32 → 0:14:36.19
I don't think that you can force someone not to do that. And I think that depending on their level of maturity, they might just get defensive and dig their heels in and really defend their right to do that. But I think that it's reasonable to feel uncomfortable with your partner consuming that content just so casually right, for their feed on Instagram or wherever else to be comprised of more or less naked women in a very provocative way. And for them to be not only curating their social media consumption towards that, but then to be engaging with it, to be liking commenting on that, that wouldn't feel comfortable for me either. I would feel personally that that was disrespectful to the relationship and I would certainly raise that if that were present in my relationship.
0:14:36.39 → 0:15:01.99
So I don't think that that's unreasonable. But I do think that there's probably a bigger conversation to be had there than just can you not like those pictures? And maybe if you can find it within yourself to approach that conversation, albeit a very vulnerable conversation with a level of curiosity rather than accusation and blame because I think if you just say what's wrong with you? That's so inappropriate. Can't you see how disrespectful that is to me?
0:15:02.11 → 0:15:30.35
Even though you may feel those things and again, I don't really blame you if you go at it with that energy, you might get defensiveness back. So maybe explaining it in a bit more of a vulnerable way, saying hey, I know that a lot of people do that, but here's how it impacts me, here's how I feel. Again, not saying that that was your intention, but this is what the impact is. Can we talk about that? Can I try and understand why that's appealing to you to do that?
0:15:30.44 → 0:15:59.72
Because it does have this impact on me and it doesn't feel good, doesn't feel respectful to our relationship and can we talk about it? So I think approaching the conversation in a way that is seeking to understand while also setting a boundary and making a request for a behaviour change there, I think that's absolutely reasonable. Okay, the next one is am I being unreasonable when I want my partner to cheque in and let me know they arrived home safely if they were out drinking? This one for me is reasonable. I do this.
0:15:59.82 → 0:16:41.67
And I think I've always done this. And yeah, I think that if you are wanting to know that your partner is safe and accounted for and you know that that can be an anxiety inducing experience when they're out drinking, I know that I can struggle with that. It's something that I don't know whether it's conditioning around, maybe more so for women that we're inclined to cheque in, that people have gotten home safe. I think that can be an element of it. But also, I know for a lot of people that there is anxiety around someone being out drinking and that's a whole nother conversation to be had at another time.
0:16:41.79 → 0:17:14.02
But I think that just a simple text to let someone know that you're home safe can really set one's heart at ease. And I don't think it's a huge ask. So if that helps to build and establish trust so that you don't feel anxious about those situations, then I think that that's a reasonable ask. Again, I don't think it needs to be delivered in a way that's controlling or demanding, but just contextualising how that is for you. And again, you can own that there's an anxiety piece to it.
0:17:14.07 → 0:18:10.96
I've certainly had that conversation with my partner saying, I realise that you don't necessarily care about this or you wouldn't think to do this without me asking, but I feel anxious when you're out drinking and it would mean a lot to me. If you could just keep me posted on where you're at and how you're tracking and when you expect to be home, all of those sorts of things. It really goes a long way in calming my system and I think that that is a reasonable ask for someone that you're in a relationship with. Okay, the last one for this episode is, am I being unreasonable when I want regular sleepovers, as he always leaves in the evening and says he sleeps better at home alone? So I think that this is one where we can find a compromise and that's really the essence of the messiness of secure relationships is we can meet in the middle and go, yeah, that's absolutely fine, that you sleep better at home alone.
0:18:11.02 → 0:18:34.86
I'm not going to judge you for that. I'm not going to make it mean that you don't love me or care about me or any of those other stories I might tell myself. I'm going to try not to feel too rejected or hurt for the fact that you don't sleep over and you prefer to sleep in your own bed. Fine. And I'm going to ask you to sometimes do the thing that I prefer, right.
0:18:34.99 → 0:19:02.95
Because I think that when it's just one person saying, I don't want to sleep over because I sleep better at home alone, therefore I'm never going to sleep over. Even though sleeping over means something to you and is what you desire. I think that's kind of being a bit selfish, to put it bluntly. So I think that to say I know that you prefer to sleep at home, but it would mean a lot to me if every so often you would sleep over, or even every other time. Right.
0:19:02.99 → 0:19:28.59
We can alternate between you sleeping over and not. Or maybe if it really is important to you that you get a good night's sleep before work, then maybe on a weekend you can sleep over, have the conversation in a way that is a negotiation. Essentially, you can advocate for your needs and preferences while not making someone wrong for their needs and preferences. But the point is that you find some sort of middle ground that works for both of you and that is how it works. Right.
0:19:28.71 → 0:20:07.43
I think that when there's sensitive things like this, and I think for a lot of people, something like sleepovers, particularly if it's after you've been intimate, that can feel really vulnerable. And you can really want the closeness of sleeping together, as in actually sleeping together after being intimate. And it can feel really painful for someone to just up and leave and say, oh, sorry, I sleep better at home. It can feel like a bit of a personal rejection. And so I think when we're feeling rejected, that we're probably the least inclined to voice a need because we already feel like we've been rejected.
0:20:07.48 → 0:21:09.47
And so to extend our request out when we don't feel like the other person's going to be receptive to it feels really risky and fair enough. So maybe this is a conversation not to have in the moment, not to have right then and there, but maybe to have at some other time when you feel like you've got a little bit more capacity and you've got a little bit more confidence and you can just share that. It would mean a lot to you if he could stay over once a week or twice a week at times when it is the least disruptive to his routine, if he doesn't get the best night's sleep ever. I think when we can give someone context for the meaning that it would mean a lot to us, then they're much more likely to cooperate with that and to compromise, because in the absence of you sharing that, he may just not know that it means anything to you. Sometimes we really have to make sure that we're giving someone the chance to meet our needs rather than just staying quiet and then being disappointed when our needs aren't met.
0:21:09.59 → 0:21:56.75
Okay, so that was the first part of this little series around am I being unreasonable? I hope that this has been helpful and has given you something to think about, has given you a bit of a sense for how you can approach these questions in a way that is not black and white. Unfortunately, black and white would be much easier, but it would be not in service of really building healthy, secure relationships because oftentimes there is a level of negotiation and nuance and context that's required to have these conversations and to make these assessments. But yeah, I hope that this has helped you to start building that muscle of discernment so that you can make those calls for yourself. And as I said, if you've enjoyed this episode in this format, do let me know so that I can bear that in mind when planning future episodes.
0:21:56.83 → 0:22:23.70
Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again soon. Take care. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here. And I hope to see you again soon.