#165: Why Validation is so Important for Anxiously Attached People
In today's episode, we're talking all about validation — and specifically, why it is so essential for anxiously attached people in building more security within themselves and in their relationships.
In today's episode, we're talking all about validation — and specifically, why it is so essential for anxiously attached people in building more security within themselves and in their relationships.
Most anxiously attached people are accustomed to feeling chronically invalidated (in part because they tend to do this to themselves), always wondering if they are too much, too needy, too sensitive, too paranoid, and so on. This can lead to over-reliance on a partner or others external to us to determine whether our experience is real and valid.
Tune in for a discussion on why validation is so important for anxious attachers, and how we can give ourselves this gift to build more security and self-assuredness.
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Why Validation is Crucial for Anxiously Attached Individuals
Validation is often a buzzword in therapy and self-help circles, but for those with anxious attachment, its significance runs deep. Validation isn't just about agreement; it's about recognising and affirming someone’s experiences and emotions. For anxiously attached individuals, who frequently grapple with feelings of invalidation, understanding and practising validation can foster self-assurance and healthier relationships.
Understanding Validation
Validation involves acknowledging that someone’s feelings and perceptions are legitimate and make sense given their context. It’s about understanding and accepting their experience as real, even if you don't completely agree with it. For those with anxious attachment, learning to validate themselves and nurturing a validating environment in their relationships can be life-changing.
Anxious Attachment and Invalidation
Anxiously attached people often have backgrounds of emotional invalidation, where their feelings were dismissed or minimised. This history leads to patterns of self-doubt and heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection or criticism. They might frequently question if they are too needy, sensitive, or unreasonable. This self-doubt creates a cycle of seeking external validation, often resulting in feeling even more invalidated by their partners or others.
The Role of Validation in Healing
Breaking this cycle starts with self-validation. Recognising and accepting one’s feelings and needs without judgement is pivotal. For anxiously attached individuals, self-validation builds a foundation of self-trust and self-worth that doesn't wholly depend on external sources.
Cultivating Self-Validation
Here are some steps to help anxiously attached individuals begin practising self-validation:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Accept your emotions as they are, without questioning their validity.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself kindly and understand that your feelings are valid.
Affirm Your Needs: Recognise and respect your needs as important and legitimate.
Journal Your Thoughts: Writing can help process and validate your feelings.
Seek Professional Support: Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore and validate your emotions.
Encouraging Validation in Relationships
Equally important is fostering mutual validation in relationships:
Communicate Openly: Use “I” statements to express your feelings honestly and respectfully.
Set Mutual Standards: Agree with your partner on the importance of mutual care and understanding.
Step into Their Shoes: Try to see situations from your partner’s perspective.
Practice Active Listening: Reflect and validate your partner’s feelings to show genuine understanding.
Conclusion
Validation is a cornerstone of self-confidence and secure relationships for anxiously attached individuals. By learning to validate themselves, they can approach relationships from a place of assurance instead of fear. Moreover, encouraging a validating environment with partners leads to healthier, more balanced, and fulfilling interactions.
In essence, validation is about recognising the inherent worth of everyone’s experience. For those with anxious attachment, practising self-validation and fostering a mutually validating relationship dynamic can fundamentally transform their relational patterns and enhance their sense of self.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on your experiences within relationships: do you often feel validated or invalidated by your partner or others? How does this impact your sense of security and self-worth?
Can you identify any moments in your past where you were told that you were "too sensitive" or "too needy"? How have those experiences shaped your current behaviours and perceptions in relationships?
When faced with conflict or the need to express your feelings, do you find yourself bracing for invalidation? How might this anticipation influence your communication style and the dynamics within your relationships?
How do you currently seek validation? Do you rely heavily on external sources such as friends, family, or even social media? Reflect on how this might be affecting your self-trust and perception of your needs.
What steps can you take to start validating your own experiences and emotions more effectively? List some practical ways in which you can practice self-validation in your daily life.
Have you noticed a pattern of defensiveness in your current or past relationships, either from yourself or your partner? How do you think this defensiveness impacts the overall health and communication in your relationship?
Consider a recent time when you felt the need to have your feelings validated by your partner. How did you approach this situation, and what was the outcome? Reflect on whether self-validation might have changed your approach or experience.
What are some fears or insecurities that arise for you when you think about expressing your needs in a relationship? How might these fears be connected to a history of invalidation?
Do you ever question the validity of your discomfort, boundaries, or reactions in your interactions with others? How can you begin to trust your own perceptions and emotions more?
Imagine a relationship where both partners actively practice validation for each other. How do you think this approach might change the quality of your interactions and overall relationship satisfaction? Reflect on any steps you can take toward fostering this environment.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about the number one thing that anxiously attached people need in order to feel secure, and that is both secure in their relationships and secure in themselves, and that thing is validation. K? Now validation's one of those things that I think a lot of people are broadly familiar with because it's one of those kind of therapy terms that bounces around a lot. But maybe it's not something that you appreciate the impact of and just how important it is, again, not only to your sense of security in a relationship, but within yourself.
[00:01:06]:
And I think it's maybe talked about in the context of couples therapy and conflict and repair, and it's really important in all of those contexts, but it's something that I've been reflecting on recently as being so essential to the anxiously attached person's journey, because for the anxiously attached person, and again, you might not realize this as a front of mind thing, but I suspect if you are someone with anxious attachment, that you might become very aware of it after listening to this episode, that you're probably accustomed to feeling chronically invalidated. And I think that feeling of being invalidated and the anticipation of being invalidated drives a lot of your so called problem behaviors in relationship. It drives a lot of the protest behaviors, the way you approach conflict, the way you ask for needs, all of those things are kind of infused with this energy of bracing for invalidation. Bracing for being told that you are too much and too sensitive and too needy, and that your perception of things is incorrect, or you've misunderstood, or otherwise receiving someone's defensiveness. Because of all of those things, because you probably have a long history of being invalidated, it probably really heavily influences, you know, the way you go about things and what you come to expect in your relationships. And it's a funny thing where the more we expect something, the more our behavior kind of preemptively responds to that, and oftentimes it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. We actually create the situation that we were expecting because our behavior has led to that as much as the other person's. It becomes a bit of a co created dynamic, as is true for so many things in our relationships, of course.
[00:02:54]:
Anyway, so in today's episode, we're gonna be talking a bit about validation and invalidation, and some shifts that you can start to make to really focus on this as a growth area for you. I think it's a growth area that 99% of people who I work with can really use some support here because it's, as I said, not something that we tend to focus on very directly, but I think it's something we should be focusing more attention on because the dividends of learning to validate yourself and also really cultivating an environment of validation in our relationships, It's really, really profound in terms of the shifts that can happen there. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, couple of quick announcements. As at the time of recording, we are almost at 70 members in my new on Attachment Insiders community. If you missed the past couple of weeks' episode, you may not have heard me speak about it. It's a community space. It's a low cost cancel anytime membership where you can come connect with others, seek support from me, and access a wide range of resources, including events and other things.
[00:04:00]:
So if you are interested in going deeper into the things that we talk about here on the podcast, seeking advice from me, connecting with like minded people around the world, on Attachment Insiders is a really wonderful space for you to do that. And although it's only in its nascent stages so far, it's already shaping up to be a really, really beautiful collection of people, and the resources there will only grow. So definitely worth checking out if you're interested. Other quick announcements, if you are in or near Sydney, I am holding a workshop in a couple of weeks' time. It's a 2 day weekend workshop at the end of the month, and will be all about building self worth. Sort of a condensed version of my secure self challenge. So if you are free on the 30th November and the 1st December, come along to my workshop. It's in Surrey Hills in the middle of Sydney.
[00:04:49]:
We've already got a decent number of people coming, but there are a few spots remaining. If you're at all interested, grab a friend, come along for a relaxed supportive weekend of diving deep, learning about yourself, and getting some clarity on where you might be stuck. So we'd love to see you there. My in person work is so special, and it's something that I'm very much looking forward to. So, definitely check out my Sydney intensive if you are in Sydney and free. Last but not least, my Byron Bay retreat, which is in May next year. We still have a couple of early bird spots available for that, so if you are interested in a 4 day, 3 night retreat in the most luxurious setting, definitely check out my retreat as well. Okay.
[00:05:33]:
So let's talk about validation. Now as I alluded to in the introduction, I don't want to suggest that validation is something that only anxiously attached people need. And to the contrary, we all really benefit from validation. So irrespective of your attachment patterns or your partner's attachment patterns, being more actively validating of other people's experience is a very good idea. And essentially at its core, validation to me is recognizing that your and everyone else's experience makes sense in the context of them, and that everything that you feel and that they feel and perceive arises from a very real experience. These things don't come from nowhere. Our protective patterns are grounded in a very real experience that we're having, in a very real perception of threat or fear or danger or risk. And against that backdrop, we can start to see that we make sense.
[00:06:29]:
And so when we're in relationship, being more validating of someone else is stepping into their shoes and seeking to really see a situation from their point of view rather than being so firmly grounded in ours that we are spending all of our time and energy trying to convince them of our way of seeing things because we're locked in this world view where only one of us can be right. And this is something that I see in pretty much everyone that I work with, as I said in the introduction, is this mindset of which one of us is right? Am I being unreasonable or are they being unreasonable? Am I being unfair? Am I being too needy or too sensitive? Or are they being too defensive? Are they not meeting my needs? Which one is it? And that mindset is kind of the antithesis of validation, because it's just trying to figure out the objective right answer, a singular truth about a situation that is so inherently subjective. And so something that I'm always encouraging people to do is step outside of this framework of good and bad, and right and wrong, and blame, and villain and victim, and actually just step a layer beneath all of that and go, what am I feeling? What am I experiencing? And how does that make sense? And then can I do the same thing for them? As soon as we do that, we're sort of laying down our weapons, and we're laying down our shield and our self protection, and instead just looking at what is really true, which is that we are all having a very real experience, and that there's actually no right or wrong there. So how does all of this interface with attachment dynamics? As I said in the introduction, it is common that anxiously attached people have grown up in emotionally invalidating environments. So that might be various experiences along the way that have essentially given you the message that your perception is misplaced, or your emotions are too much, or you're too sensitive, you're too needy, all of those things that have you second guessing your experience and the rightness and truth of your experience. And I think because of that, we develop around that insecurity and that sense of invalidation, and a few things happen. I think one of them is that we tend to really chronically invalidate ourselves in the sense of doubting our own experience, doubting our own perception, seeking a lot of outside counsel for things, not really trusting that we are allowed to feel the way we feel, or asking if we are wrong to feel a certain way. Questioning whether we're allowed to be uncomfortable with something is another big one, so this comes into play around boundaries and limits.
[00:09:16]:
So often people will say things to me like, my partner is doing x, y, z thing. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this? And my partner's messaging other people in a way that feels inappropriate to me, but I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive, or my partner always pulls away and needs space, but then I don't hear from them for 2 weeks. Am I being unreasonable to want to hear from them more often than that or to know what's going on? I don't want to be too needy or smothering. And while those might sound like extreme examples, I can tell you that these are examples that I hear all the time from people. And to me, all of that is evidence of an internal and relational environment of invalidation, because that seems to be the first stumbling block that then prevents people from really tuning into how they feel, what they need, what their limits are, what their boundaries are, and confidently advocating for those things from a really firm and grounded place, not from a place of trying to convince the other person of the validity of their needs. I think this is where a lot of people fall down and get really stuck, because you might do all of this internal work on trying to figure out what your needs are or trying to express a concern or make a request of your partner, But oftentimes because you have that pattern of bracing for invalidation, maybe your partner tends to be defensive, and that will often be the case if you're in an anxious avoidant dynamic. We know that avoidant partners tend to struggle with defensiveness, and particularly around being given feedback, or being asked to change, or anything that feels like an attempt to control them. You might have a pattern in your relationship where when you do speak up, your partner shuts down and becomes defensive, or dismisses your concern, or says that it's too much, or any of those things.
[00:11:07]:
And maybe you believe them, and maybe you then sort of cower in the face of that and internalise whatever it was that you were worried about, and then the cycle sort of goes on and on, and you've got all of these insecurities bubbling away that you're increasingly the context of your relationship in a way that feels empowered, that doesn't feel attacking, but that also doesn't feel kind of pleading and desperate. And all of these things come back to this internal and relational environment of invalidation. So, as is so often the case, I mean, I think, of course, we can talk to our partners about this, and we can hope that our partner would be receptive to understanding our concern insofar as wanting to feel like our experience is valid, not wanting to have a culture in our relationship where our concerns are routinely being dismissed. And I think some of those conversations can look like saying things like, I want for us to both be able to bring things to each other. And even if we don't agree with the other person's perception or analysis, we we can't relate to how they're feeling, can we agree that if one of us is bothered by something, then that is something that deserves our attention? And, you know, that we're going to approach that with care and handle that with care because it is in the interest of our relationship as a whole for us to be, you know, tending to the things that might be coming up for either of us. That's a really validating approach to conflict and rupture and repair in a relationship. It's sort of setting the standard of how you're going to approach things, and to go back to what I was saying before around stepping outside of a framework of right and wrong, agreeing that with your partner that we're going to have these standards that are not about making you the villain or whatever. It's not about every time I bring up a concern, it's something that you have done wrong or something that you're failing at.
[00:13:12]:
It's just something that needs to be shared or whatever it might be. Having that as a kind of framework that you can fall back on is a really good idea because that creates the safety for you to be able to to share things safely and to not have all of those anxieties and insecurities that come from the anticipation of being invalidated. And as I said, I think that anticipation drives so much of our, you know, own maybe unhealthy or dysfunctional or ineffective communication styles because we bring so much, you know, stress and anxiety to those conversations, and we end up persuading and pleading and all of those things. The other key piece, and I would arguably say this is the more important piece, as is so often the case, you know, with anxious attachment. The relational stuff is important, but I always emphasize the self piece because that tends to be the part that is underdeveloped. And frankly, I think it's the part that we have far more control over, and I think we get, you know, a positive ripple effect in our relationships when we're able to first work on whatever the deficit is within ourselves in terms of the wounded parts or the skills that we may be lacking. When we can build that up, then we're much more likely to be able to engage in effective relational repair and healing work, because we're doing it from a place of self worth and self esteem, rather than a place of desperation and fear and lack and all of those other things that can be present when we don't have a solid relationship with ourselves. So the key piece, really, to focus on in terms of validation for yourself is practicing validating your own experiences, fears, concerns, worries, desires, needs, preferences, requests, all of those things.
[00:14:59]:
I really want you to catch yourself every time you doubt. Am I being too much? Am I being too needy? Am I being too sensitive? Am I asking for too much? Am I right to feel this way? I want you to notice when ever you feel those things, whenever you ask yourself those questions, whenever you go to outsource and sense check everything against a friend or a therapist or someone on Instagram, my DMs are absolutely full of people sending me messages that are essentially wanting me to validate them in lieu of them being able to do that themselves or being able to get that from their partner. And it really does start with you. Your job is to validate your own experience so that you can go to your partner and share from a really firm and grounded place. You're not trying to convince them of the rightness of your experience. You're not trying to convince them that you're not crazy. And I think when you're trying to do that, when you're trying to convince them, you start appealing to all of these other things and saying, anyone would feel this way in my position, or look at this thing that I read in this book or saw here. But they said the same thing as well, so like, I'm not crazy.
[00:16:04]:
I'm not crazy. And I think that's really a sign that you need to work on validating yourself because when I hear that, it sounds like you're wanting them to validate you so that you can feel that your experience is valid. Whereas we wanna flip that around. Right? You need to decide that your experience is valid, and then you can go to a relationship and hopefully have more of a balanced dynamic there, more of an authentic self confidence and self esteem that allows you to create a relational environment that is healthy and secure and balanced and validating. And I will say, because there's always a possibility that you might decide that a relationship is not a good fit on the basis that your partner is routinely dismissive or invalidating, or simply is unwilling or incapable of being the partner that you want and need. Maybe your needs and their capacity are not a good fit, but it's really only in fiercely and fully validating yourself that you are going to have the clarity and the self trust to make that kind of call. Because for as long as you are invalidating yourself, you're always going to doubt whether you're asking too much, and you're always going to wonder, and it's going to be very hard for you to make that kind of confident decision and knowing what you deserve and what you are worthy of. It's going to be very hard to do that if you are routinely and chronically invalidating yourself.
[00:17:34]:
So all of that to say, validation is an absolutely essential building block of a healthy relationship with yourself, and in turn, healthy balanced relationships with others. And I really do believe that for anxiously attached people, it's a very core part of your healing process, because it is likely to be something that you absolutely lack as a starting point for an array of reasons that we've covered. You've likely grown up in an environment where that was absent, and you've developed all sorts of habits around that that take you further and further away from yourself, and knowing and feeling anchored in your experience as something that you know to be true, and you don't need to have other people confirm that for you. So I hope that this has been helpful. I hope it's given you something to reflect on, and maybe it wasn't something that you were really aware of in these terms or in such a direct way, but I hope that now it is something that you can turn your mind to and really consciously practice because as with all things, it will be a practice. But really noticing what patterns you might have around invalidating yourself and consciously redirecting to, you know, how does my experience make sense? How can I really stay grounded in what I know to be true, which is that a certain feeling is here for me or that I'm not comfortable with something, that something doesn't feel right to me, and just acknowledging that truth rather than seeking to have someone else, particularly the person who's leaving you feeling uncomfortable, having them be the one who gets to decide whether or not that experience is valid? So hope that's been helpful. As always, so grateful for those of you who leave reviews and feedback. I always love to hear from you and it's a beautiful way for you to support the show.
[00:19:20]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, validation, insecurity, anxiously attached, couples therapy, conflict, emotional invalidation, protest behaviours, relationship dynamics, repair in relationships, self-worth, boundaries, limits, anxious-avoidant dynamic, defensiveness, relational environment, secure relationships, self-esteem, internal validation, relational repair, fear and insecurity, growth area, healthy attachment patterns, partner's needs, Sydney workshop, Byron Bay retreat, self-confidence, self-destructive behaviour, emotional support, defensive partners
#164: 5 Unexpected Triggers of the Abandonment Wound
In today's episode, we're talking all about the abandonment wound — and specifically, five scenarios that might unexpectedly trigger your fears and insecurities around abandonment. When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with anxious attachment patterns.
In today's episode, we're talking all about the abandonment wound — and specifically, five scenarios that might unexpectedly trigger your fears and insecurities around abandonment. When we think about the fear of abandonment, we often imagine scenarios where someone physically leaves us—maybe a breakup or a loved one walking out the door. But the truth is, this fear can manifest in much more subtle and unexpected ways, especially for those of us with anxious attachment patterns.
We'll cover:
How periods of grief or loss can trigger abandonment fears
Illness and wanting to be cared for
Dealing with unexpected life challenges
Periods of transition or major life changes
Emotional overwhelm and the need for support
5 Unexpected Triggers of the Abandonment Wound
The abandonment wound often lies at the heart of anxious attachment. Many may assume abandonment solely refers to physical desertion, but more frequently, the fear surfaces as emotional neglect. While some scenarios that trigger abandonment fears are straightforward, others are less conspicuous and can catch individuals off guard. Understanding these hidden triggers can be tremendously beneficial in managing the wound and nurturing healthier relationships.
Let's explore five unexpected scenarios that can trigger the abandonment wound.
Times of Grief or Loss
Experiencing grief or loss can be profoundly destabilising. Whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or even the loss of a pet, these periods of mourning make individuals vulnerable. One might become exceptionally sensitive to perceived emotional neglect during such times. Imagine feeling abandoned because a partner distracted themselves when they're needed most.
When grieving, it's beneficial to express needs explicitly. If a partner’s way of coping seems like neglect, communication can bridge the gap, fostering mutual understanding and support through tough times.
When You Are Sick
Illness can bring out the need for nurturing in everyone. When someone who is usually self-sufficient finds themselves unable to care for themselves, they might wish for their partner to step into a caretaking role. If a partner fails to meet these expectations or doesn’t show the level of care desired, it can feel like abandonment.
Consistent caretakers might sense a heightened resentment when their care isn't reciprocated during their own times of need. Communicating one's expectations and feelings about being cared for when ill can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of abandonment.
Unexpected Life Stressors
Unexpected misfortunes, such as car troubles, sudden travel delays, or other stress-inducing events, can make anyone feel helpless. During these times, there's often a surge of dependency on a partner for resolution and comfort. If the partner doesn't respond in the expected manner, it can elicit feelings of abandonment.
Recognise that every individual handles stress differently. Clarifying expectations and discussing potential responses to unexpected stressors can reduce the sense of abandonment and foster a collaborative effort to manage crises.
Major Life Changes and Transitions
Exciting life changes, such as a new job, moving cities, or becoming a parent, can be as stressful as they are thrilling. These transitions often create a need for additional support, attention, and care from a partner. When this support isn't forthcoming, feelings of abandonment can arise.
During significant transitions, clear and open communication about the support needed is crucial. This helps partners to understand how they can best support each other and ensures that no one feels neglected during critical life changes.
Emotional Overwhelm
Emotional overwhelm is a broad trigger encompassing many scenarios, such as conflicts in a relationship or challenges in other areas of life. In these moments, individuals with an abandonment wound might want their partner to 'fix' their emotional state. When the partner doesn't know how to do this, it can feel like a betrayal of trust and support.
Recognising that it’s often unfair to expect someone else to fix our emotions can be enlightening. Instead, asking for specific support—a hug, a listening ear, or even just presence—can be more productive and prevent the feeling of abandonment.
Strategies for Managing Abandonment Triggers
Managing these unexpected triggers requires self-awareness and proactive communication. Here's how to start:
Self-awareness
Developing self-awareness about one’s triggers and emotional responses is the first step. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can help individuals understand what situations heighten their abandonment fears.
Clear Communication
Expressing needs and expectations transparently can prevent misunderstandings. Whether it's requesting specific support during grief or conveying how one prefers to be cared for when ill, clear communication is essential.
Emotional Self-reliance
Building emotional self-reliance does not mean isolating oneself. It means cultivating the inner strength and skills to manage emotional upheavals without always seeking external validation or rescue. Practices like mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, and emotional regulation can be highly beneficial.
Understanding Partner's Perspective
Recognising and understanding how a partner deals with grief, stress, or emotional overwhelm is also crucial. This understanding fosters empathy and smoother collaboration during challenging times, reducing the likelihood of feeling abandoned.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself experiencing a strong fear of emotional abandonment? In what situations does this fear tend to show up most intensely for you?
How do you typically respond to feelings of abandonment or emotional neglect in relationships? What patterns or behaviours do you notice in yourself?
Reflect on a time when you felt abandoned or unsupported during a period of grief or loss. How did you communicate your needs to your partner, and how did they respond?
When you're feeling unwell or vulnerable, do you often expect your partner to take care of you in specific ways? How do you react if they don't meet those expectations?
Can you identify any major life changes or transitions that have triggered your abandonment wound in the past? How did you navigate these periods, and what support did you seek or need?
Think about a recent situation where you experienced emotional overwhelm. How did you seek support from your partner, and what was the outcome of that interaction?
Are there times when you project your way of handling stress or emotions onto your partner and expect them to respond in the same way? How does this impact your relationship?
Do you have difficulty asking for help or support? What fears or beliefs do you hold around vulnerability and the ability to rely on others?
Reflect on a moment when you felt emotionally abandoned. What stories or narratives did you tell yourself about your partner and their intentions? How did this affect your perception of the situation?
How can you practice more self-awareness and self-compassion in moments of emotional vulnerability? What steps can you take to communicate your needs more effectively and seek support in a healthy manner?
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Byron Bay Retreat - Apply now! 🏝️
Sydney Workshop (November) - Buy tickets
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking about 5 unexpected triggers of the abandonment wound. So this was actually an email newsletter I sent out a couple of months ago, and I got so much feedback from it, people saying that it really hit the spot for them in terms of being very relatable and that they learned a lot about themselves. And so I thought to spin it into a podcast episode so that I can share it with all of you in case it also has that effect on you. So the abandonment wound is nothing new around here.
[00:01:04]:
We've talked about it a number of times on the podcast, and you can go back through all the episodes and dive into that in a little more detail in terms of the foundations of the abandonment wound, but I will give a quick recap of it here for those who are maybe less familiar or could use a refresher. You know, the fear of abandonment the abandonment wound is really at the heart of anxious attachment. It is the core wound of anxious attachment. And, you know, that can be strange to hear for a lot of people because while some of us may have some literal abandonment in our history, I would say most of us don't have a story of physical, literal abandonment in our childhood or our early life, such as would justify this intense fear of abandonment that we experience in our adult romantic relationships. And so, it can leave a lot of people wondering, Where did this come from and why me? Why do I struggle in this way? Why am I so afraid of abandonment? And I think, you know, the other kind of confusing part or the bit that catches people is that while there can be a fear of, again, physical abandonment, someone leaving us, oftentimes maybe the more pronounced fear or the thing that we experience more acutely is that fear of emotional abandonment. So this idea of you're not going to be there when I need you, and I'm going to be left alone with these big feelings that I don't know how to deal with. And so I think a lot of that can come up for us, and we can be kind of overly dependent on a partner to fix things, to make it all go away, to make it all better, in much the same way as a child would, you know, expect that of a parent. And we can really regress in those moments.
[00:02:46]:
And so in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing less about, you know, the 101 of the abandonment wound, which, as I said, you can go back and listen to all the episodes on that, but more around some unexpected triggers, scenarios that aren't really obviously related to abandonment, that are likely quite triggering for you if you're someone with more anxious attachment or you otherwise identify with this abandonment wound. And, you know, in sharing these sets of circumstances or situations, I suppose my intention is for you to be able to connect the dots a little and understand why those situations might feel quite triggering for you, why you might have a seemingly disproportionate response, why it might really sting if your partner doesn't show up for you in the exact way that you would hope. And having that greater awareness will allow you to understand a little better how to support yourself and how to ask for what you need from a partner in a way that is grounded and self aware and mature rather than reactive and coming from a fear place, which I think is often what we do when we're on autopilot, or we lack the conscious awareness of what's really driving us in those moments. So that's what I'm going to be talking about today. Before I do, I wanted to share a very, very exciting announcement. If you listened to last week's episode, you would have heard me share that I have launched a brand new membership community called On Attachment Insiders. In the past 6 months or so, having run programs like Healing Anxious Attachment and the Secure Self Challenge that have had a community component, I get this resounding feedback that people really, really appreciate and value the opportunity to not only learn with feedback from me, as I'm obviously part of the community, but alongside others who are on the same path and who understand and can give feedback and offer wisdom of their own, and I think provides people with a lot of comfort. And the thing I keep hearing is it's so amazing to know that I'm not alone in all of the things that I struggle with and that I fear, and that really is so powerful.
[00:04:49]:
So if you're someone who loves the podcast, loves everything that I talk about here, and you're maybe wanting to dip your toe into working with me, the membership's a really great entry point into that because it's really affordable. At the moment, I'm running a promotion for founding members, which starts at $10 a month. So it's really, really affordable, and it's a cancel anytime thing, so you're not locked in. So if you're interested in diving a little deeper and accessing some more resources on this, having a channel via which you can seek support from me and connect with others, I really, really encourage you to check out the Insiders membership. The link is in the show notes to that. There's already a library of resources there with written q and a responses, scripts for different conversations, like how to set a boundary in all of these specific instances, you know, how to voice needs, how to navigate challenging conversations in anxious avoidant relationships with, you know, suggested scripts on how you could approach those things. There's, 20 page workbook on boundaries. There's guided meditations.
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There's videos on nervous system basics and somatic practices. All of that, you can access for as little as $10 a month, and that's not even going into the community aspect and the support that you can get from me. People have been asking questions in the community, and I'm able to share voice note responses. It really is extremely valuable and very, very reasonably priced in my opinion. So if that's something that you're interested in, definitely check it out. Grab one of those founding member spots before they are all snapped up. So looking forward to sharing that and growing that community with all of you beautiful listeners from all over the world. Very, very excited to be able to go deeper with you and and get to know you better.
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Okay. So let's talk about these 5 unexpected triggers of the abandonment wound. So the first one is during times of grief or loss. So if you are going through some sort of grief, maybe it's the loss of a family member, the loss of a pet, or some other grief or loss, you may notice yourself being really sensitive to any sort of perceived abandonment. Again, usually emotional abandonment, but even, you know, if your partner goes out rather than staying at home with you or they say the wrong thing or they maybe make a suggestion to try and cheer you up that doesn't quite land for you, it's likely that you're going to be more reactive and sensitive to those perceived moments of feeling kind of dropped by them in those times of grief or loss, and that really, you know, makes a lot of sense. It's vulnerable. You're probably feeling very, very tender and in need of emotional support, And so someone not being there in the way that you want them to be can feel like a form of emotional abandonment. And when you know that you've got some wounding around that, it can feed these stories of you're not there for me when I most need you.
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And I think that bigger story can feel really, really painful and scary, particularly when we're going through grief or loss. So I think that's a really common one, and as will be the case in all of these examples that I'm going to share, if you're with a more avoidant partner who maybe grieves differently to you, who their preference when it comes to something like grief might be distraction or avoidance or numbing, and that's not what you would prefer or what you need. Or maybe they like to grieve in isolation, whereas you like to grieve in connection. All of those things can really exacerbate the sense of being emotionally abandoned if they are defaulting to their way of grieving rather than being attuned to what yours is. So that is one of the key triggers, of the abandonment wound, is during times of grief or loss. Okay. The second unexpected trigger of the abandonment wound is when you are sick and in need of care. So if you're experiencing some sort of illness, whether that's just a flu and you're feeling rubbish for a few days or you've broken your ankle or something, and you're feeling really unable to take care of yourself.
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I think particularly if you're someone who's usually the caretaker of others, you're usually the one tending to other people's needs and giving, and you sort of take care of yourself without much fuss behind the scenes. Being sort of debilitated by illness can make you feel really vulnerable and you might feel almost resentful of all of the ways in which you care for someone else and now they're not there to care for you in the way that you would like or maybe the way that you would care for them if the roles were reversed. I think that's always very telling when we have the inner dialogue of, if I were in your position, I would do x, y, and zed thing, and we get a little bit kind of righteous and uppity about, our way versus their way. So I think that when we are feeling sick or unwell, again, there's this part of us that just wants almost that parent energy, someone to come and take care of us and cook for us and pat us on the head or whatever it might be. When we're feeling a little bit kind of sad and pathetic and feeling sorry for ourselves, oftentimes we want someone to feel sorry for us as well and to really you know, show that with that quiet babying almost behavior. And I I say that from a kind of humorous but loving place. I think we can all do that sometimes, that we wanna be cared for in that way. And if our partner doesn't get that or they don't immediately understand that that's what we're wanting, that we're wanting that kind of care or we're wanting them to take on a caring role for us, even if usually we're pretty self sufficient, we can spin that around and be upset with them, judge them, blame them for abandoning us.
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Whether we realize it or not, oftentimes it is coming from that place of, you're meant to be taking care of me and you're not. Does that mean that you don't love me, or that I'm not important to you, we maybe don't feel prioritized. Maybe if we're feeling sick and we had plans, you know, to go out to a party or something with a partner, and we say that we can't go because we're unwell, and a part of us wants our partner to not go as well and to stay, but they say, Oh, I'll just go without you. Something like that might feel really, really triggering. You might feel very abandoned in that kind of situation. If they carry on with life as per usual, particularly social things that you were meant to be included in, but they leave you at home alone. That kind of thing is likely to be pretty triggering. Okay.
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The next one is when something unexpected happens. Obviously, that's a little broad, but the things I'm thinking of here are misfortunes, like a burst tire or you're on the way to the airport and there's really bad traffic or you miss a flight or something like that. Just stressful, unexpected things in life. I think a lot of the time when things like that happen, we can have this impulse of, You need to fix it, do something, take care of me. Again, we almost regress into this helpless child that doesn't know what to do, and we get stressed and overwhelmed, and we just want someone to fix it all for us. And so if your partner doesn't really jump into that rescuing role that maybe is what you would do in the opposite situation, then you can feel a little bit like you don't care about me because obviously I want you to do whatever. Right? Again, it's this thing of we project our own way of doing things, and we have that expectation of our partner. And so when they don't automatically do that, or their efforts don't land in terms of what we are secretly hoping they would just know to do, we can be really judgmental and kind of harsh in our reaction because we're crafting this whole bigger story of, like, you're abandoning me, you don't care about me, I'm not important to you.
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So I think that, you know, when those misfortunes happen, when those life stresses happen, it can bring up our big fears around not being supported, which on a day to day basis, we might manage those fears by just over functioning, but when something happens that is so far outside of our control that our over functioning can't solve it, we can all of a sudden be thrust into that vulnerability of feeling helpless and feeling overwhelmed, and that can really bring up our abandonment wound. Okay. The next one is when you're facing a major life change or transition. So I think that even an exciting change like getting a new job or becoming a parent or moving cities, these things that are exciting are also really destabilising. And again, we might feel ourselves wanting extra support or attention or care for our partner to make themselves more available to us in those times of transition. And if they don't automatically do that, we might experience a big abandonment kind of response. Whether it's that they're not supporting us or maybe they're not celebrating us enough, if we do get a promotion or something, or something really exciting is happening for us, and they're not as involved in that as we would like them to be, that can be kind of triggering of this abandonment thing that, like, again, you don't care about me. Why aren't you more present here as I navigate this? And I think that, in part, I think there's validity to that, that we want our partner to be involved in big things that we experience in our life, big transitions.
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It's much easier to navigate that with a trusted, secure partner. But I think another part of it, if you have more anxious attachment patterns, is maybe not trusting yourself to be able to navigate that thing alone or standing on your own 2 feet. Sometimes we don't feel like we have a strong enough foundation of self, and so we can reach for someone else to be our crutch through those more challenging periods. As I said, I don't think that's always unhealthy. I think that that's part of what partners are for, relationships are for, is to be our safety net sometimes in challenging periods. But I think also we can be honest and go, some of us probably swing too far in terms of not trusting in our own capability and agency and falling back onto a partner to rescue us as soon as things feel hard. And, you know, the other example I gave, a big life transition like, you know, becoming a parent, very understandable that you would feel abandoned if, for example, if you're a woman and you've just had a baby, and that's very stressful, and the nature of that transition is such that the bulk of the caring work is falling on your shoulders, I think it's very easy to go into that. You're abandoning me.
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You're not doing enough. You don't understand kind of mindset when you're in the nitty gritty, when you're in the depths of that. And again, if we're not very good at asking for what we need specifically, if historically, we've been pretty good at just taking care of our own needs and not having to ask, then when we're in these more vulnerable situations and we just have to ask because we really do need more support, It can be easier to blame the other person for not doing the thing that we need, not supporting us well enough. That can be less vulnerable than actually asking and saying, I'm not coping, or I'm having a really hard time and I need more from you. I need you to do x, y, zed. That is really hard for people who are not used to asking for support, who have a hard time with receiving support. And so just judging and blaming and criticising from that wounded place is sometimes more comfortable than doing the vulnerable thing. So I think that's very normal in times of transition when we're feeling a little wobbly, but negotiating a new identity, all of those things.
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It's easy to feel emotionally abandoned in that and kind of blame our partner, rather than taking responsibility and asking for the support that we need. And last but not least, so this one isn't so much an event as it is when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and again, that's pretty broad. That could be any manner of things. It could be in the midst of conflict with a partner. It could be as a result of some other thing that is going on in your life. But there's this sense of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and wanting your partner to know what to do about it, wanting them to be able to fix it, wanting them to be able to make it all okay. Again, as anxiously attached people, we tend to not have a great deal of self trust about our ability to be with difficult emotions, and so when we feel those coming up, we look outside of us for some sort of fix or solution, or some way to make it all stop, make it go away, because we don't really trust in our ability to hold it. And so when we're feeling emotionally overwhelmed, we really can look to our partner to fix it.
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And I think that, again, if you've got a more avoidant leaning partner, that can really unravel very quickly because chances are they are even less equipped to deal with your big emotions than you are. Someone with avoidant attachment probably doesn't have a lot of experience in dealing with big emotions in a healthy way, because a part of their blueprint around relationships, and their relationship to self, is that emotions are not safe, they're not desirable, and so they've, you know, oftentimes really switched off that part of themselves that is connected to their inner world and knows how to respond to an emotion in a healthy way, and so when they're confronted with someone else's big emotions and someone else's emotional overwhelm, they're probably going to draw on the same tactics for you in trying to help that they do with themselves. Again, I spoke about this earlier. They're probably going to try and crack a joke or distract you or, you know, you might be crying and upset and they might say, you know, why don't we go and grab an ice cream? And that might be coming from a really good place, and it might be the last thing that you want, and you might, you know, be sort of angry at them of, like, how could you get it so wrong? Do you not even know me at all if you think that I want to go and get an ice cream right now when I'm, like, red faced and crying? It can just be a bit of a mismatch, and we can feel really emotionally abandoned by them not knowing what to do. And so I think that it's good to have a bit of compassion here, and again, the common thread is that we can regress into this place of, like, helpless and in need of rescuing, and oftentimes the energy from that place, because we're feeling so desperate and panicked and, you know, scared and overwhelmed, it's really easy to blame our partner or to see them as the problem or the enemy, as the one that is making us feel unsupported when really oftentimes it's the situation that's leading us to feel that way, and our wounded parts are making that a lot bigger. And then maybe on top of that, our partner hasn't exactly nailed the response, or they've kind of missed the mark a little, or they've been a little insensitive, and it blows up into something much bigger as a result. So having the awareness of all of these things and being able to tune in and go, what's really going on for me here? What are the stories that I'm telling myself? I did an episode a few weeks ago on how to work through a trigger, and there's a cheat sheet that you can download on my website or in the show notes that's free, and it just walks you through these steps. What am I telling myself? Right? What am I making this mean? Because I think that you'll notice in if you relate to any of these situations or similar ones, that almost invariably you're telling yourself that your partner doesn't care, that if they loved you, that they would know what to do, that it's always going to be like this, why do I even bother, I do so much for you and you can't even show up for me when I need you most.
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All of those sorts of stories are really, really painful, and they tend to kind of compound on each other and spiral and make you feel a lot worse and and really make your judgement kind of infused with all of those feelings that are likely to come with that self pity, blame, you know, unfairness. And all of those are very real feelings, but we also have to watch the stories that might be exacerbating them. So, you know, having a process that you can walk yourself through and getting really brave about asking for help when you need it, not in a way that's attacking or blaming, but in a way that's vulnerable and, you know, saying, I am feeling overwhelmed. Would you be able to? Something like that. That will feel hard for a lot of people, but that's really where the work is. And that's how we really equip ourselves with the tools and the self belief to manage these situations better going forward, because we don't have these experiences that then reinforce that we are all alone. Because if we kind of create a rupture when we react from a wounded place, and our partner does pull away in response to that, then that's confirmation of the fact that we're all alone and no one cares. Right? It's really easy to clock that as evidence of that story.
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Whereas, if we do the brave thing, if we identify what we need, if we ask for it vulnerably, and then we open ourselves to receiving that support, it creates a new experience, and that is really powerful. So there's lots of magic in this, even though these situations are hard and there are so many others like them that will challenge us. There is an opportunity for real growth there and for rewiring and having those new experiences that can be a really positive upward spiral. So I hope that that's been helpful. If any of those examples resonate with you, be sure to let me know. Leave a comment or a review. But otherwise, thanks so much for joining me. I look forward to seeing you again next week.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment styles, relationships, insecurity, abandonment wound, anxious attachment, emotional abandonment, fear of abandonment, triggers of abandonment wound, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg, podcast episode, mental health, emotional support, Healing Anxious Attachment, Secure Self Challenge, membership community, On Attachment Insiders, self awareness, self trust, major life transitions, emotional overwhelm, seeking support, partner support, somatic practices, nervous system basics, setting boundaries, voicing needs, navigating challenging conversations, guided meditations, relationship advice.