#50 Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
In this episode, I'm talking all about perfectionism - but probably not in the way you've heard it spoken about before.
Perfectionism is often thought of as a personality quirk - a commitment to high achieving and having things a certain way. But when we dig a little deeper, we can see that perfectionism is about so much more than personal preference and having things a certain way. It's about fear and control. About needing to be perceived a certain way in order to feel acceptable and worthy.
So what does this have to do with attachment and anxious-avoidant relationships?
Well, here's how it usually looks.
On the anxious side, there is a self-imposed perfectionism.
A deeply held belief of “I need to be a particular way in order to be loved. Because if I falter, and show someone my “unacceptable” parts, they're not going to want me anymore and I'll be rejected." In this way, perfectionism takes the form of a harsh inner critic, policing our expression and making sure we don't put a foot out of line lest someone confirm our worst fear by losing interest in us.
On the avoidant side, perfectionism often takes the form of impossibly high expectations on a partner.
As a relationship progresses, many avoidant people will notice themselves becoming inexplicably irritated by and critical of their partner - sometimes to the point of disdain and contempt. This is often a subconscious distancing strategy that arises when the relationship is becoming more serious and committed.
In being highly critical of their partner and holding them to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, the avoidant person is able to convince themselves that the other person's flaws mean the relationship isn't “right”, thereby protecting themselves from the extreme vulnerability of being truly seen by someone.
So what happens when we bring together one person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable, and the person who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and so subconsciously creates distance through focusing on someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves?
Unfortunately, these core wounds fit together like puzzle pieces.
And while it's 100% possible to shift these dynamics with the right tools and self-awareness, it's easy to see how these protective strategies can reinforce and enable each other.
If you want to go deeper on this topic, be sure to check out Wednesday's episode of On Attachment, Navigating Perfectionism in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships.
WHAT WE COVER:
how anxiously attached people hold themselves to standards of perfection as a way to gain and keep someone's interest
how avoidantly attached people use perfectionism & criticism as a distancing strategy to avoid intimacy & vulnerability
what happens when these strategies collide in an anxious-avoidant dynamic
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Episode Transcript
0:00:04.25 → 0:01:08.19
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is how perfectionism impacts our relationships and specifically looking at competing dynamics of perfectionism in anxious avoidant relationships. So I think that for a lot of us, we associate perfectionism with high achieving and striving to be the best and maybe being competitive or maybe being a bit particular about the way we like things. But I think that perfectionism runs a lot deeper than that, and it's almost always coupled with fear, shame, anxiety and aversion to vulnerability.
0:01:08.27 → 0:01:58.82
A lot of resistance to being seen by someone in our authentic expression, in our mess, in our imperfection. And so perfectionism in that way can be seen as a protective strategy to keep us safe from those things that we fear most. And in relationships, I think it can show up in a few different ways. And so that's what I'm going to be talking about today, looking at how it shows up differently for more anxious leaning people versus more avoidant leaning people. And then what happens when those opposing dynamics, both fueled by aspects of perfectionism, what happens when they come together and those opposing forces meet.
0:01:59.67 → 0:02:27.83
So that's what we're going to be talking about today. To be very transparent with you, I'd actually recorded a whole nother version of this episode and it was all ready to go. And then at the last minute I had some new ideas about what I wanted to say that was a little bit different. And so I decided to scrap the original version and rerecord this. And no, it is not lost on me, the irony of me doing that on an episode about perfectionism.
0:02:27.91 → 0:02:56.13
But what can I say? I am as much a work in progress as any of you listening. But nevertheless, I do hope that today's discussion is an insightful one and an interesting one. I think that there will be a little something in there for everyone because I think that perfectionism and all of its tentacles are pretty farreaching and can affect all of us to varying degrees. So that's what today is all about.
0:02:56.28 → 0:03:35.82
Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. The first being that my healing anxious attachment course is going to be reopening for enrollment next month and I have opened a waitlist. So I have gotten a lot of messages lately from people who either have recently discovered my work and are keen to go deeper, or people who maybe wanted to join a previous round of the course but weren't in a position to, for whatever reason. So the waitlist is now open and the link to that is in the show notes. If you join the waitlist, which is obviously totally free and no obligation, that will mean that you'll be the first to know when enrollment opens and you'll also get a discount.
0:03:35.88 → 0:04:04.57
So definitely cheque that out if you're interested. The second quick announcement is just to share the featured review, which is steph has such beautiful, considered and practical advice to offer. After my own long term relationship ended last year, I've personally found the podcast so helpful in trying to come to a greater understanding about what didn't work and why. And now, how to navigate life post breakup. I'd recommend this podcast to anyone who's looking to gain a deeper understanding of themselves or the way they show up in relationships.
0:04:04.91 → 0:04:43.64
Thank you for that review. If that was your review, please send an email to podcast@stephaniereg.com and my team will set you up with free access to one of my master classes of your choice. So let's dive into this conversation around perfectionism and anxious avoidant dynamics. So I'm going to start by giving an overview of what I often see as perfectionistic tendencies in anxious leaning people, how that tends to show up for them. I'll then move to talking about more avoidant leaning people and what their brand of perfectionism tends to look like, and then we'll look at what happens when these things come together.
0:04:45.29 → 0:05:30.00
So for the anxious person, perfectionism tends to be a self imposed expectation of I need to be a particular way in order to be worthy of love. I need to be palatable, I need to be acceptable, I need to not have any flaws, I need to look, act, be a certain way, otherwise I'm going to lose you, I'm going to be rejected, this person is going to lose interest in me. It's not safe for me to be seen in my fullness because no one's going to want that, no one's interested in that, no one's going to like that. And so my window of expression becomes very small. We see in this for the anxious person.
0:05:30.10 → 0:06:22.45
A lot of those extreme people pleasing behaviours that I've talked about, a lot shape shifting, not really knowing who you are, what you stand for, what your values are. Just really wanting to be liked and accepted to the point of fairly extreme self abandonment, but also hand in hand with a lot of micromanaging of how we're perceived by others. So I need to control the way other people see me because that is paramount to me, creating and maintaining safety for myself via connection with those people. That's at least how it feels, right? If I put 1ft out of line, then the worst is going to happen.
0:06:22.49 → 0:07:21.20
I'm going to lose my partner, I'm going to lose my friends, I'm going to be outcast or rejected or shamed or seen to fail or seen as not good enough. And all of those deepest, darkest fears that I hold within me will come to fruition. And so what we see here is that at the heart of this perfectionism, this rigidity, this need to control how we show up and how we're perceived, is ultimately that same fear of abandonment that lies at the heart of so much of anxiously attached people's, wounding and associated protective strategies. When that's the counterfactual, that's the thing that we think is going to happen if we don't behave in that way. That's always a really insightful and illuminating shortcut to understanding what's driving our behaviour.
0:07:21.26 → 0:08:20.86
We go what am I afraid it would happen if I didn't do that thing, if I didn't micromanage the way I was perceived, if I allowed someone to see me other than in my most shiny expression, what am I afraid would happen? And for most anxious people the answer there is going to be they wouldn't like me, they don't want that part of me. And so we see that that self rejection, that deep self belief that only parts of us are lovable or worthy of love are acceptable, are safe to show people that self view bleeds into the way we show up in relationships. On the avoidance side, what we tend to see is perfectionistic expectations on a partner. So for more avoidantleaning people, I think a very common experience, a common sort of trope would be feeling really attracted to someone to begin with.
0:08:20.99 → 0:09:23.45
And then, as things become more committed, more serious, more steady, an avoidant leaning person will often find themselves inexplicably irritated by their partner nitpicking things, just finding them so almost feeling like disdainful of their partner, noticing everything that's wrong with them. All of the ways in which they are deficient or annoying or imperfect and finding themselves extremely activated by that and very judgmental of it. Now of course this is not universal, this is not going to be true for everyone, but it is a really common experience for more avoidant leaning people as relationships become more serious. What we often refer to as getting the ick about someone oh, I'm just inexplicably turned off by you when a month ago I was totally smitten and suddenly now I just can't stand you. Where is that coming from?
0:09:23.49 → 0:10:45.46
And I think that if that's something you notice in yourself it is a really good opportunity to pause and go okay, what's this really about for me? Rather than just taking it at face value and assuming that the relationship isn't there's something wrong with the relationship or the other person. So I think that the way that this tends to play out for an avoidant person is that their perfectionism is a perfectionism imposed upon their partner, consciously or otherwise, and is ultimately a distancing strategy, a protective strategy that is designed to protect them, to keep them safe from having to be vulnerable, be intimate, progress in a relationship where that feels really edgy and unsafe. And so we can see that me being highly critical of you and holding you to a standard of perfection that is unattainable, saves me from having to be vulnerable with you and letting you see me, which is what I fear is going to happen if we continue down this path. So I'd rather focus on your imperfections, use those as evidence of the fact that this isn't the right relationship, maybe end the relationship or otherwise sabotage it.
0:10:45.56 → 0:11:36.43
And that saves me from needing to be seen myself. So while these show up in different ways, the anxious person is using perfectionism to try and cling and control and grip. The avoidant person is using perfectionism as imposed on the other to try and create distance. Both people are terrified of being seen and that's really the common threat. I've spoken before in a recent episode around similarities between anxious and avoidant people, that a similarity is fear of vulnerability and that neither anxious nor avoidant people are great at really being vulnerable, really being seen, really allowing other people in, even if it looks different on the surface.
0:11:36.61 → 0:12:55.33
So what happens when we bring these together, when we bring together the person who is terrified of putting a foot out of line because they're so convinced that they are fundamentally unworthy and unlovable and yet they want connection more than anything. So they're walking on a tightrope to try and gain and keep someone's love. And then on the other side, you've got someone who is terrified of intimacy and vulnerability and closeness and also of looking within because that's so foreign to them a lot of the time that it's easier to project onto the other to create distance via criticism or noticing someone else's shortcomings in a way that allows them to bypass doing the work themselves. And so we've got these two people and unfortunately, as so often happens, that woundedness on each side, they fit together like puzzle pieces. And if left unchecked, without conscious awareness and a willingness and ability to shift those patterns and heal, they will absolutely reinforce each other and provide more evidence for the painful stories.
0:12:56.23 → 0:13:51.81
Again on the anxious side, if they're with a partner and all of this is playing out unconsciously and they're with an avoidant partner who is absolutely noticing their imperfections and criticising to create distance and that's going to provide evidence for the anxious person's story of I can't be imperfect because when I am, they leave, they pull away, they lose interest. And that reinforces my story that it's not safe to do that. So it's really important if you notice these dynamics in your relationship, whether a current relationship or a previous one. And I should say this can happen in very early dating or it can exist long into established relationships. It is so important that you bring conscious awareness to this on both sides and that you commit to shifting those patterns and meeting those edges.
0:13:51.89 → 0:14:22.92
Because, as I said, left unchecked, these almost like complementary wounds will just reinforce each other. They will poke each other, they will trigger each other, they will reinforce each other. They will provide more evidence to support the fears underlying those protective strategies. And so those protective strategies will never feel safe to step aside. Those protective parts will absolutely keep working in overdrive and on and on will go right.
0:14:22.99 → 0:15:41.73
That's kind of how it all works. So you will need a level of willingness on both sides to meet these edges and this is not going to be overnight change because anything where we are turning towards our deep fears, our shame, our terror, our unworthiness, our really fundamental attachment and relational wounds, it's tender and it's got to be gentle but it is possible. So the growth edge for you if you are the more anxious leaning person in this kind of dynamic is to practise allowing yourself to express and be seen in your mess. That doesn't mean that you have to have a public breakdown. But it does mean not just zipping yourself up so tight and pretending to be fine all the time and going with the flow and going with what everyone else wants and never taking your own needs, feelings, concerns, preferences into account, never allowing yourself to be in need.
0:15:41.90 → 0:16:22.32
So that might look like leaning on friends more leaning on a therapist, practising in those training grounds that don't feel as high stakes as a relationship. We don't want to test those edges in a super high stake scenario so go gently. But ultimately the work is allowing ourselves to be imperfect and to be seen in that imperfection. And that's a really important point because I think so much of perfectionism, particularly on the anxious side is being seen in it. It's not just acknowledging our imperfection for ourselves as between me and me.
0:16:22.42 → 0:17:04.42
I know that I'm imperfect but can I let someone else know that and see me and that in a way that is outside of my control and therefore truly vulnerable? That's the growth edge on the avoidance side. Your work is to get really curious every time you notice that urge come up to criticise as a way to create distance. When you notice those doubts come up, those voices saying maybe this isn't the right relationship. Maybe idealising previous partners or hypothetical partners as oh I would never have to deal with this with that person and that's why this relationship is bad and that alternative is better.
0:17:05.29 → 0:17:30.49
Notice that and get curious. Go what's that keeping me safe from? What does this allow me to not have to feel or experience? What does this allow me to avoid if I lean into this impulse to criticise, create distance and pull away. Because the reality is, as we all know rationally nobody's perfect.
0:17:30.61 → 0:17:56.47
Relationships aren't perfect. It's all messier than that. And being in a healthy, secure, committed relationship is about choosing someone in all of their imperfections but choosing someone who you love and trust and care for and committing to that and accepting all of them. So that's really the growth edge for the avoidant person. And relatedly.
0:17:56.81 → 0:18:55.21
I think looking at does my criticism of them, does my pointing the finger there and making them the problem them, the imperfect one allow me to bypass looking at my own stuff, looking within, considering the work. That I have to do, because that's likely very uncomfortable for you as a more avoidant leaning person to have to see the ways in which your stuff contributes to the pattern. And it is always going to be easier to blame the other person and make them the imperfect one, the defective one, and tell ourselves that the next relationship will be different. But this goes for everyone. Our wounds, our patterns tend to follow us wherever we go until we do the work to tend to those parts of us that drive us to those protective behaviours.
0:18:55.31 → 0:20:06.95
So I hope that this has been an interesting discussion and that it's given you some food for thought on your own perfectionistic tendencies, to the extent that you can relate to that and perhaps how your relationship might be exhibiting aspects of this tussle between different expressions of perfectionism with kind of different surface goals, but similar underlying fears of being seen. And, you know, that self rejection of I can't let someone get too close to the real me because I can't control what happens there and I'm so terrified that that wouldn't be lovable or acceptable or worthy, and so I have to use whatever strategy I can to prevent that from happening. And I think that that is a common thread between anxious and avoidant people in this respect and in many other contexts as well. As I said, I hope that that's been helpful and has given you something to reflect on. If you've enjoyed this episode, as always, super grateful.
0:20:07.00 → 0:20:43.60
If you can leave me a fivestar rating if you're on Spotify or a review if you're on Apple podcasts or whatever else you can do wherever else you're listening, I really do appreciate it and I look forward to seeing you later in the week for our Q and A episode. Take care, guys. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie—rigg or at stephanierieg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review on a five star rating.
0:20:43.66 → 0:20:48.36
It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.