#127 How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a never ending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others | On Attachment | Ep 127
In today's episode, we're talking all about comparison. Comparison is one of those things that we're all susceptible to at some point or another: we compare ourselves based on appearance, personality, success, relationships. It can sometimes seem like there's a neverending list of reasons to feel dissatisfied or inadequate when we look at our lives relative to someone else's.
And yet, while comparison is arguably a universal human experience, it's undeniable that some of us struggle with the comparison trap more than others - sometimes to the point where it feels debilitating and destructive to our sense of self.
The Power of Self-Worth: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparison - we all do it. Whether subconsciously or consciously, we find ourselves looking at others and assessing how we measure up. The urge to compare ourselves to those around us is deeply ingrained in human nature. However, this tendency can become a source of distress, leading to feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, and anxiety. In this episode of On Attachment, we delve into the universal experience of comparison and explore strategies to break free from its grasp and cultivate a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.
The Comparison Conundrum
From the moment we scroll through social media feeds to the interactions we have with colleagues and friends, the opportunities for comparison are endless. The modern world inundates us with a multitude of experiences, successes, and relationships from others, often leaving us feeling inadequate and perpetuating the illusion that everyone else is thriving while we are lagging behind.
The tendency to compare ourselves intensifies for individuals grappling with low self-worth. When we struggle to recognise and appreciate our own value, we are more prone to fixating on what we lack, as opposed to celebrating our strengths and unique attributes. This internal dialogue of not being good enough or not measuring up nourishes the cycle of comparison, perpetuating and reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.
The Antidote to Comparison
While overcoming the impulse to compare ourselves to others may seem daunting, the key lies in nurturing our self-worth. Building self-worth is not an overnight transformation but rather a progressive journey requiring patience, commitment, and self-compassion.
Embracing self-worth involves a conscious effort to acknowledge and appreciate our strengths, virtues, and contributions. It's about shifting the focus from what we lack to what we embody, recognising that our worth is not contingent on external validations.
Navigating the Relational Repercussions
The vicious cycle of comparison permeates into our relationships, influencing how we perceive and interact with others. Insecurity and low self-worth can manifest as jealousy, creating a perpetual state of suspicion and competition, even in the context of healthy relationships. The constant evaluation and comparison with others disrupt our ability to authentically connect and enjoy the company of others, leading to heightened anxiety and a sense of unease.
However, prioritising self-worth catalyses a transformative shift in our relational dynamics. By anchoring ourselves in a deep belief in our intrinsic value, we foster trust in ourselves and our relationships. This trust extends beyond external factors, allowing us to embrace our worth independently of others' opinions, strengthening our resilience and empowering us to set aside comparisons and build authentic connections rooted in mutual respect and understanding.
Overcoming the Comparison Trap
The pursuit of self-worth can pave the way to freedom from the comparison trap. By cultivating self-worth, we detach ourselves from the need for approval or validation from external sources. We begin to appreciate our inherent worth, paving the way for a more harmonious and fulfilling life. Furthermore, the ripple effect of enhancing our self-worth transcends comparison, extending to other facets of our lives, such as reducing the tendency to people-please and nurturing resilience in the face of adversity.
Escaping the comparison trap is not about eradicating awareness of others' achievements or experiences, but rather reframing our perspectives. It's about acknowledging others' journeys while steadfastly reaffirming our own unique path. By grounding ourselves in self-worth, we tap into a wellspring of confidence and assurance that empowers our relationships and allows us to experience life authentically and unencumbered by comparisons.
A Journey Towards Greater Self-Worth
The road to self-worth is a continuous, evolving process, requiring active engagement and commitment. While it involves confronting internal dialogues and navigating emotional complexities, the rewards are immeasurable. As we embark on this journey, we bask in the newfound freedom from the confines of comparison. We liberate ourselves from the suffocating weight of unworthiness and usher in a profound sense of self-compassion, confidence, and empowerment.
In conclusion, as we rally against the seductive pull of comparison, we fortify our resolve to cultivate our self-worth. Embracing self-worth is the catalyst for untethering ourselves from the allure of comparison, nurturing resilience, and fostering authentic, fulfilling relationships. It's a commitment to ourselves, a testament to our inherent value, and an affirmation of our individual narratives, unencumbered by the shadow of comparison.
Embracing Self-Worth
In the pursuit of self-worth, we shatter the confines of comparison, celebrating our intrinsic value and paving the way for a life characterised by authenticity, fortitude, and genuine connections.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do you personally struggle with comparison in your daily life? Do you find yourself caught in a pattern of comparing your life, achievements, or appearance to others? How does this impact your self-worth and relationships with others?
How has the oversupply of information in today's culture affected your sense of self-worth and comparison to others? Do you feel pressured to measure up to the standards presented in social media and popular culture? How does this impact your mental well-being?
Reflect on a time when you felt threatened or insecure in a relationship due to comparison with others. How did this affect your ability to authentically connect with your partner or potential partners? In what ways do you feel your insecurities may have impacted the relationship dynamic?
Consider the role of building self-worth in mitigating comparisons. How can focusing on your own self-worth help reduce the impact of external influences and comparisons? In what ways can building self-worth positively impact your relationships with yourself and others?
Have you noticed any patterns of performing, people-pleasing, or seeking validation in your relationships and social interactions? How do these patterns relate to your sense of self-worth and comparison with others?
Reflect on your experiences with social anxiety. How does the fear of not measuring up to others affect your ability to authentically connect with people and form genuine relationships?
What actionable steps can you take to reduce the impact of comparison in your life and relationships? How can you cultivate a sense of self-worth that allows you to embrace authenticity and self-acceptance, regardless of external comparisons?
In what ways do you find yourself resisting the societal pressure to constantly compare yourself to others? How can you shift towards a mindset of opting out of the comparison game and embracing your own unique journey and strengths?
Think about a time when you found yourself instinctively sizing yourself up against someone else. How did this impact your thoughts and emotions? How do you envision responding to similar situations in a more empowered and self-affirming way in the future?
Consider exploring the concept of "enoughness" and how it relates to comparison and self-worth. How can you shift your mindset to embody a sense of being enough, independent of external comparisons and societal standards?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
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Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about comparison and how we can stop comparing ourselves to others. So I think that this is a topic that, although it was inspired by a question I received on Instagram, it's so universal and so relatable for, I think all of us, whether this is something that you really, really struggle with or maybe you just experience a regular human amount as we'll come to shortly, I do think that this is something that we're all going to encounter at various points in our life. This tendency to compare, to look over our shoulder to see what other people are doing and to see where we stack up relative to that. I do think that it's a very natural tendency, but I also think that some of us definitely go down that vortex more than others and can get really stuck there. And particularly if you're someone who struggles with unworthiness or insecurity, anxiety, I think these can all go hand in hand. And not only does that impact our relationship with ourself, our self confidence, our self esteem, but it can really bleed into our relationships with others.
[00:01:41]:
Again, as we'll come to talk about, I think that there's a lot of overlap. If you were to do a ven diagram of people who struggle with comparison and low self worth, with people who struggle with anxious attachment, who struggle with jealousy, who struggle with a fear of abandonment, all of these things, I think that might not be so obvious in their relationship to each other. When we start to dig a little deeper, we can see how there's lots of tendrils and webs linking them all together. So I'm going to be talking about that today. Why some of us struggle with comparison more than others, where that might be coming from, what purpose is that serving, and ultimately how we can start to build a greater sense of self worth, self confidence, in a way that allows us to not become immune to comparison. Because, as I said, I think we all go there sometimes. I know I certainly do. But in a way that we can be broadly comfortable with who we are, with what we have to offer, with our value, such that we're not so heavily focused on what everyone else is doing and how everyone else looks and trying to figure out where we sit on that scale, because I think that's a pretty exhausting way to live and almost always leaves us feeling worse about ourselves or at least feeling very insecure.
[00:02:59]:
So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick announcement. I'm really excited to be launching a brand new offering. It's called the secure self and it's a 28 day challenge that's going to be kicking off next month. So just before Valentine's Day, it's a four week challenge. It's going to be all about a lot of what we're talking about today, building self worth. And each week we'll address a different pillar of self worth, a different focus area. It's going to be really accessible, both in cost.
[00:03:32]:
It's the lowest cost offering that I've had for a while, but also in its delivery. So I'm going to do audio only lessons so you can listen to it all on your phone. It's just going to be a short lesson each week and then a challenge or a homework task, something like that, an implementation piece. There's going to be a pop up community so you can connect with others who are doing the challenge, which is always a really nice component. And there'll also be two live calls with me, so there's a lot of value packed into it. It's a nice, short and sweet 128 days and I think it hopefully will appeal to people across the spectrum. No matter your attachment style, no matter whether you're new to my work or whether you've done everything I've ever released. This will be quite distinct in, as I said, both the content and the delivery, and I'm really looking forward to it.
[00:04:19]:
So early bird enrollment for that is open as of today and the early bird pricing will be available for the next week. So definitely head to the show notes and cheque that out if you're interested. Or you can go straight to my website, @stephanierigg.com and check out all the details, including some more info on each of the themes and stuff like that. So would love to see as many of you in there as possible. I think it's going to be really good fun. Okay, so let's talk about comparison. So as I said at the start, I think I'm always mindful when we talk about comparison or people pleasing or self criticism, any of these things that, of course can be really challenging, but also are very human. I don't want you to feel like you have to add that to the list of things that are wrong with you? Oh no.
[00:05:07]:
I compare myself to other people. Does that mean that's another thing that I need to fix about myself? Of course. We all do this, right? We do it subconsciously and maybe we do it very consciously. We're aware of other people's appearances or other people's success or other people's relationships. All of these things. I think that we are, whether it's innate or we are all just conditioned to do it. I think having an awareness of what other people are doing, how they're presenting, how they're living their lives relative to ours is pretty normal. I think where it can get really challenging is in this day and age when we have such an oversupply of information and exposure to so many different people and so many different information sources, relationships, all of these things, we're really bombarded.
[00:05:54]:
And so there's a lot to feel bad about. It can create this illusion and this sense that everyone else is thriving and I'm not. Or everyone else is beautiful and successful and charming and funny and I'm just average because obviously the data that we're getting is pretty skewed in that direction because that's what content is pushed to us. And so I think that while this tendency to compare ourselves is a very natural one, it's probably on steroids in our modern culture. Add to that, if you are someone who really struggles with low self worth I think that you're likely to be really prone to comparison. More so than someone who's pretty comfortable within themselves. And that maybe sounds obvious, but I think that when we really struggle with believing in our own value and really kind of knowing who we are and what we have to offer and really owning our strengths and our value proposition as a person going, yeah, I'm a great friend and people really like my sense of humour and I'm really good at my job and I'm smart and I'm loyal and all of those things, we don't tend to do that very often. We don't tend to take stock of those things and really reflect that back to ourselves because our tendency is to focus on the lack.
[00:07:13]:
Right? I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not successful enough, I'm not rich enough, I don't have the perfect relationship. And that's where our attention goes. And that's really where we then end up feeling pretty shitty about ourselves. That feeds it, right? The low self worth plants the seed or makes us prone or susceptible to that comparison, and then it kind of spirals from there because the comparison inevitably feeds the low self worth and so on and so forth. So I think if you know that about yourself, that you're already quite prone to comparison, that you have those struggles with self worth, that's just a really good thing to know and to recognise, because there's things we can do about that, right? Building self worth is not an overnight thing, but it's absolutely possible, and I can speak from personal experience that I definitely used to struggle with comparison a lot more than I do now. As I said, I'm not free of it now. It's not like I never fall into that trap, but I'm definitely less bothered by it, both on a personal level and certainly in a relationship. So I did mention that I kind of talk about the relational piece.
[00:08:17]:
And I think again, to use myself as an example, when I was younger, before I had done a lot of this work, I was pretty insecure. And I found it really easy to fall into that place of comparing myself, particularly to other women in the context of relationships, and feeling kind of subtly threatened by most other women, or even the women that I didn't feel threatened by. It was because I'd gone through a process of comparing myself to them and deciding that I didn't need to be threatened by them. But that was still in that mindset of assessing everyone as a competitor or a potential threat to how I felt about myself and how comfortable I felt in my relationship. And that was pretty exhausting, right? When I look back on that now, I can see that a lot of that was coming from a place of low self worth and not really believing in my value, thinking that everyone had something that I didn't, and really feeling that sense of not enough. I'm not enough of this, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not cool enough, my clothes aren't as nice as that person. Like all of these little things that just kept me totally on edge and so uncomfortable within myself that I really didn't get to enjoy not only relationships, but kind of friendships and social settings. It just created this constant anxiety.
[00:09:45]:
Because I think when you are in that mode of sizing people up and assessment, it takes you out of presence. You don't get to just show up as yourself authentically and connect with other people as themselves authentically. You're always kind of in this mode of not inauthenticity, but performing and assessing and self protection. I don't think that that's really conducive to connecting authentically with others, which is really what we want. And frankly, it just kind of takes the fun out of it. I think for a lot of us who struggle with social anxiety, which is maybe something we need to do a whole nother episode on, because these days, more than ever, I think social anxiety is probably not talked about enough, but is so chronic and endemic that a lot of people have a really, really hard time with socialising, making friends, feeling confident in social settings, which has no doubt been exacerbated by a couple of years of isolation. But, yeah, I think that it feels really complicated, it feels really hard, it feels really intimidating. And the more that we are in this mindset of needing to prove ourselves and needing to show up in a certain way in order to be impressive or be likeable to perform, then that anxiety is only going to skyrocket because we put all this pressure on ourselves to be a certain way in order to achieve an outcome, rather than just being and letting that be enough.
[00:11:09]:
So what do we do with all of this? How do we stop comparing ourselves to others? Again, I think that there's probably always going to be this lingering thing where we are aware of what other people are doing and we might have a voice inside of us that does peer over our shoulder, peer over the neighbor's fence, so to speak, and see what other people are up to and how they are going, and how that stacks up against what we're doing, how we're going, how we're feeling, and either feeling temporarily better about ourselves because we assess ourselves as superior, or performing better, or ticking certain boxes that other people aren't. And so we get that kind of little ego boost, or we feel worse about ourselves because we've decided that they're ahead of us, or better than us, or superior to us. But either way, I think we're in that egoic kind of mindset that doesn't actually feed us at a deep level, it doesn't feel peaceful and it keeps us stuck in that. Because if you're in that hamster wheel, you kind of just have to keep playing it in order. Even if you are ahead, you've got to then stay ahead. Whereas I think stepping off the hamster wheel altogether and opting out of the game is probably a much more fruitful and rewarding way of being. So, all of that being said, it's kind of like all roads lead back to building your self worth. And I recognise that that's not like an easy, oh, great, I'll just go build my self worth and then everything will be resolved.
[00:12:38]:
That's a path and it's work and it's a process, right? A practise, we could call it. But it's a really rewarding one. And it's one that I talk about a lot, because I think that the ripple effect from focusing on building your self worth into all of these other areas of life, we can start to see that things like comparison, things like people pleasing, things like staying in relationships longer than we should, or pursuing relationships with people who are not really aligned or not really interested in us, these all kind of spring out from this place of low self worth. And when we start to work on that in a really committed and sustained way, we really make that a priority. It's amazing how organically all of these other things kind of fall away. They might not totally disappear, but they just become less relevant to us. They feel like less of a fit and comparison, I think, is one of them. Because ultimately comparison is trying to protect us, right? It's just feeding back information.
[00:13:40]:
Because a part of us is convinced that we're in competition with these people. And when that's the story that we're telling ourselves, then staying safe means winning. And so we feel like we have to do that and we have to kind of beat away all of the threats to our identity and our relationships. Whereas when we step out of that mindset and we really start to grow those seeds of self worth from the ground up, really within ourselves, then, as I said, all of those things just start to feel a little less important. And again, speaking from personal experience, things that I used to really, really struggle with in relationship, like jealousy was a big one. I was so aware of other women, even when there was nothing untoward, there weren't circumstances that warranted that. But I was inwardly just so wary of other women. I felt so threatened by them.
[00:14:32]:
And I really don't feel that anymore in my relationship because I trust in my value, I trust my partner, but I trust that even if anything were to happen, that that's not a comment on my worth. Because I really believe in my worth in a really embodied way. And I think that that's just quite profoundly healing to do that work and get to that place where it's not about never having wobly days, where you feel a little unsure of yourself or never having social anxiety. I certainly still don't like showing up to a room of people who, I don't know, that's not my comfort zone at all, but just feeling a little bit more anchored in who you are and letting that be okay and letting that be enough and knowing yourself and just kind of removing some of the heaviness of having to perform or emulate what other people are doing or copy other people or compete with other people. Because as I said, I think that that just is really, really draining. If nothing else, it's an exhausting way of living. And it's one of those things where insecurity begets more insecurity begets more insecurity. The downward spiral is real with all of those things because it really drags us down in our energy.
[00:15:51]:
But the inverse is also true. The upward spiral is possible and available to all of you if that's something that you're really committed to choosing and creating for yourself. And I should say I have other episodes. It's probably beyond the scope of today, just timing wise, but I do have other episodes on the how of building self worth. If that's something that you're more interested in diving into, you should be able to search that relatively easily and pull up those old episodes that give you a bit more of a roadmap on how you can start building self worth. I also have a free guided meditation on my website on building self worth, I should say. So you can go cheque that out. And of course, if you really want to go all in on this whole self worth thing, the secure self challenge will be starting in about a month, but the early bird pricing is available for the next week.
[00:16:38]:
So definitely go cheque it out if you're interested. If what I've shared today has resonated for you, as I said, my intention is for it to be a really fun, light hearted, enjoyable program for you to connect with each other, connect with me. So looking forward to that and looking forward to seeing hopefully lots of you in there. So thank you so much for joining me. I hope today's episode has given you something to think about. It's been helpful for you and I look forward to seeing you again next time. Thanks guys.
[00:17:10]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again sooner.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, comparison, insecurity, self-worth, self-confidence, anxiety, worthiness, jealousy, fear of abandonment, social anxiety, self-esteem, self-worth building, thriving relationships, people pleasing, performance, connection, personal development, emotional well-being, self-improvement, overcoming insecurity, guided meditation, attachment style, socialising, relationship coach, early bird pricing, pop up community, live calls, secure self challenge.
#125 How to Live Courageously in 2024
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
For our last episode of the year, I'm sharing my own story about the power of choosing courage over comfort and making bold, scary, uncomfortable choices in the direction of the life that you desire. So many of us cling to familiarity and the known thing, even when it feels draining and deeply at odds with who we want to be and how we want our lives to look and feel.
As we say goodbye to 2023 and enter the new year, let us reflect on where we are still hiding or avoiding in our lives, and what might be possible if we embrace a bigger, bolder, braver life that we can truly be proud of.
Embracing Courage in 2024
Courage is a trait often associated with grand acts of heroism or bravery. However, the courage to live authentically, make significant life changes, and pursue personal growth in the face of fear is equally, if not more, profound. As we stand at the threshold of 2024, it’s an opportune moment to reflect on the role of courage in our lives and how it can shape our experiences, relationships, and overall well-being.
Courage thrives in the space of authenticity. It’s about daring to be true to oneself, even when the road ahead seems uncertain and daunting. For many, the journey towards courage begins with a deep introspection, a willingness to acknowledge one’s fears, insecurities, and limitations. It involves peeling back the layers of societal expectations and personal doubts to uncover the authentic desires and values that fuel our ambitions.
It’s often tempting to remain in our comfort zones, surrounded by the familiar and the safe. However, the truest expressions of courage arise when we confront the uncomfortable. Despite external appearances that may project success, an individual may still feel empty, unfulfilled, and disconnected from their true selves. The realisation that the pursuit of comfort can sometimes lead to feeling profoundly uncomfortable within can be a catalyst for transformative change.
Fear is a natural and universal response to the unknown. Yet, it is also a barrier that can hinder personal growth and obstruct the path to creating a life aligned with one's aspirations. Many have encountered the paralysing grip of fear, particularly when contemplating making significant life changes. However, it’s within these moments of uncertainty that courage emerges. In 2024, it's essential to foster the courage to face fears, acknowledge their existence, and take steps forward despite them.
Courage grants us the gift of navigating the unknown with resilience and determination. Choosing the path of uncertainty requires a leap of faith, a belief in one’s ability to overcome challenges, and an acceptance of the inevitable setbacks. Stephanie’s experience demonstrates that embracing courage often leads to unexpected opportunities, personal growth, and a profound sense of gratitude towards oneself. The act of seizing control and forging a path aligned with one’s values and aspirations is a testament to the transformative potential of courage.
As we stand on the precipice of a new year, the message of embracing courage and intentionality resonates deeply. It serves as an invitation for individuals to carve a path towards a life overflowing with purpose, growth, and gratification. Recognising the presence of fear and choosing to explore the discomfort amidst a backdrop of convention and expectations can mark 2024 as a year of significant personal evolution and resilience. In 2024, the call to embrace courage and intentionality stands as an opportunity for transformative changes, a chance to redefine one’s narrative, and an invitation to navigate the year with an unwavering spirit of resilience and authenticity.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How does the concept of courage resonate with you in your own life and relationships? Do you find yourself leaning towards the comfortable and familiar, or are you more inclined towards taking risks and embracing the unknown?
Have you ever reached a point in your life where you felt deeply dissatisfied or unfulfilled, despite outward appearances of success? How did this impact your sense of self-worth and purpose?
Reflect on a time when fear or insecurity held you back from making a change that you knew was necessary. What were the consequences of staying in the familiar, easy path versus embracing the courageous, but uncertain, option?
In what areas of your life do you feel a deep yearning for something more or different? What steps can you take to honour those yearnings and move towards a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires?
Think about a moment when you felt a sense of deep self-trust and inner alignment. What choices or actions led to this feeling, and how did it impact your overall well-being and satisfaction with life?
Consider the role of external validation and societal expectations in shaping your life choices. How have these influences guided your decisions, and what might it look like to break free from their hold to pursue a more authentic path?
Have you ever faced setbacks or challenges after choosing the courageous, less-travelled path? How did these obstacles impact your sense of self and your commitment to pursuing a life aligned with your values?
What changes or choices have you been contemplating that align with your deepest desires and values, but also feel scary and uncertain? How can you begin taking steps towards embracing the unknown and making these changes a reality?
Reflect on a time when you chose the easy or familiar path over the courageous and challenging one. What did you learn from that experience, and how has it shaped your approach to making difficult decisions since then?
How do you envision your life looking a year from now if you were to wholeheartedly embrace courage and step into the unknown? What fears or obstacles might you need to overcome, and what support or resources could help you along the way?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Save $150 on my Higher Love break-up course with the code PHOENIX
Follow me on Instagram: @stephanie__rigg & @onattachment
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:25]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Our last episode for 2023. As at the time of recording, it is the 31 December here in Australia at least, and I am wanting to talk to you today about courage and give you a little bit of a pep talk for 2024. I always find this time of year to be fertile ground for self reflection, for taking stock, and for setting intentions for the year ahead. Not so much in a cheesy resolution way of telling yourself that you're going to go to the gym every day, even though you know you aren't, or anything in that vein, but for deeper reflection, for getting really honest with ourselves around what's working and what isn't, where we are still hiding or withholding or letting fear drive us in our lives. And for me at least, courage and learning to practise courage and to embrace challenge and the unknown, all of that has been hugely formative in my own life and in getting me to where I am today, which when I look at the life that I am living, that I have created, that I continue to create both personally and professionally, I am really overcome with profound gratitude, both for everything that I have, but also towards myself. Because I know that a lot of what I am surrounded by today is a direct result of hard things that I turned towards rather than away from in years gone by.
[00:02:14]:
And so I wanted to share a little bit more of my own personal experience with courage and with fear and with doing scary things as a way to maybe inspire you, maybe aspects of my story will resonate with you in different ways, but hopefully to dispel the myth to the extent that you have some impression of me, that it's all been smooth sailing and easygoing, it absolutely hasn't. And my life hasn't always looked like it does now. Not to say that my life now is always smooth sailing, it absolutely isn't. But I am really deeply appreciative and joyful at the moment with everything that is going on for me. And I want you to feel like all that you desire, not necessarily the specifics of a checklist of things that you would need in order for your life to feel perfect. But if you're someone who feels like joy and peace and gratitude and fulfilling relationships like that's out of reach for you for some reason. I really want you to believe that that's not true. But it might take some courage, some bravery, some unknowns for you to move in the direction of the life that you really want and the life that you would be proud of.
[00:03:35]:
So let's rewind, say, five years, five years ago for me, some of you will know this. Many of you won't, I suspect, if you are newer to me, to my podcast. Five years ago, I was working as a corporate lawyer doing m and a, mergers and acquisitions. I was working ridiculously long hours. Actually found a photo in my camera roll the other day of me leaving work at like 04:30 a.m. In the lift. So that was what my life looked like. A lot of work, a lot of partying.
[00:04:14]:
When I wasn't working, I was in a really unhealthy relationship that was fueled by a combination of ego and low self worth. And as much as outwardly, it might have looked like I was ticking a lot of boxes. I had done really well in my high school exams. I'd gotten a scholarship to go to university. I'd studied for five years. I had an honours degree in law and a degree in political economy. I had travelled extensively. When I finished university, I had job offers from all of the top law firms in Sydney.
[00:04:53]:
It was really like my life was all laid out before me. And I tell you what, my ego really liked it. It's such a funny two sides of the same coin, I think. Ego and low self worth. I think the lower our deep sense of security, the more prone we are to being seduced by things that our ego likes. Those external validations, those approval seeking things. And for me, being courted by law firms and being good at my job, and I was really good at my job. All of that felt great in a sort of superficial, temporary, fleeting way.
[00:05:35]:
But when you don't have much of an internal anchor or a core sense of who you are and what you value and who you want to be, all of that stuff kind of gives you what you need, in a funny sort of way. So that was my life. And it, as I said, outwardly probably looked like I was doing okay. I was living in an apartment in the city and in many ways it was kind of aspirational looking. But inwardly I felt very, very empty. And I didn't like myself very much. I wasn't proud of who I was. And I felt a lot of shame often about how I would act.
[00:06:19]:
And I felt no sense of purpose, no sense of integrity, really. I couldn't say that I was proud of who I was or what I was doing with my life. Fast forward a little bit. And I was still in the same relationship. And it became increasingly clear to me that the way I was living my life was not sustainable. And I'm really grateful to my then self for having at least the self awareness or the willingness to look honestly at the way I was living and to acknowledge that I couldn't go on that way and that it wasn't enough for me. When I looked at people who I worked with, who were senior to me, who were 15 years ahead of me in their career trajectory, the sense of dread that I felt at my life being that in 510 or 15 years was overwhelming. And I had this really deep knowing of, if I don't make a change, if I just continue to do this, the easy thing, then I'm going to be really, really regretful later in my life.
[00:07:39]:
I'm going to be really, really disappointed in myself for not going after more, for going after something that actually allowed me to feel integrated and whole and peaceful. And it might sound a little bit funny to you, hearing all of that and me describing that as the easy thing, but in many ways it was. Even though on a day to day basis it wasn't easy. I was working ridiculous hours, I wasn't very healthy, I wasn't sleeping very much, I wasn't in a good relationship. And so while all of that kind of sounds hard, and in some ways it was, it didn't take any courage. Right?
[00:08:14]:
It was easy in the sense that it was familiar, and I could just do all of that on autopilot without challenging myself, without looking at the things that needed to be looked at within my own being. And so it was easy. It was a cop out, to be honest. It was definitely not doing anything courageous or challenging or expansive, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And so it kind of reached a breaking point where I started to think about all of that really seriously. And I decided that I had to make a change. And it was then that I decided if I were to do anything, what would it be? And I've always, always loved learning myself personally about relationships and understanding people. And I think I've always had a natural kind of gift or inclination towards that.
[00:09:11]:
When I was first finishing high school and choosing what to study, it was always a toss up between law and psychology. And I don't know if this will be relevant to anyone outside of Australia, but there's a weird sort of trope where if you get the grades in your end of high school exams, then there's this pressure to make the most of them. And law required a very, very high grade, and I got the score for it. And so it was almost this thing of not wanting to waste my academic results on something that had a lower entrance bar. And so I did law instead of psychology. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I should have gone straight into psychology, although I don't know that I'd be where I am today had I not walked the path that I walked. So I don't really have any regrets there.
[00:10:00]:
But anyway, I'd always had a really keen interest in that and I had studied it for a couple of years in high school as well. And so when I started to think about, okay, if it's not going to be what I'm doing, if I'm going to have some big career change, what's it going to be? And I decided that I wanted to teach people about relationships and help people with that. And I think, as is the case if you speak to coaches and therapists, so many people go into this work from some deeper yearning to understand themselves and to find some resolution of their own wounding, and there was definitely a layer of that for me. But I was so deeply fascinated by this work and ravenously consuming so much of it on a personal level, particularly owing to the relationship that I was in at the time, which was very challenging. And so even though it didn't really make much sense, and even though my ego was really scared and wanted me to stay on that very predictable, well worn path, that was a guarantee of success in a conventional sense, I made the decision to leave, to quit my job and to start from scratch. I enrolled in a coaching certification and I threw myself into learning everything that I could about relationships, about coaching as a methodology, about the nervous system, about sexuality and so many other things that kind of branch off all of that, and it was kind of terrifying, but it was also very thrilling. And I felt this deep sense of alignment and rightness for the first time in my life, well, certainly for the first time in many years at that point, and it didn't make sense to a lot of people. A lot of people thought that it was kind of rogue of me, and I suppose it maybe was that it was very unconventional, that it was very risky.
[00:12:04]:
I had a lot of people around me projecting their own fears and insecurities onto me of what if it doesn't work, and how will you know what to do? And how will you make money? How will you find clients? All of these things? And I didn't really have the answer to that, to be honest. I just had this sense of trust that I was going to figure it out and that it was going to be okay. And that wasn't a trust or an expectation that it was going to be easy, that it was going to be seamless or that it was going to be linear. But I did have this sense of rightness about it that allowed me to, I suppose, drown out a lot of that stuff that I was getting from people around me and just keep putting 1ft in front of the other. And so that's what I did. And it wasn't easy, but it was really thrilling. It was exhilarating. And even in those very early days, I felt this sense of total gratitude towards myself that I was taking steps in the direction of a life that I could be proud of.
[00:13:13]:
And not long after that, I also ended the relationship that I was in at the time. And I think a part of me knew that those things would probably go hand in hand, and that I kind of just needed maybe the confidence boost or needed to work on myself for a bit in order that I would be ready to leave that relationship, even though I knew deep down that I needed to and that that had to happen. And fast forward. I say fast forward as if that all happened very quickly and easily. But fast forward to now. And I've built this incredible business helping people all over the world by sharing my own story, my own insights, the things that I've learned, having taught and worked with thousands of people through coaching, through my online programmes. So many really beautiful things have happened since making that decision in the direction of the life that I wanted, through choosing courage rather than the comfortable or easy thing, and really deciding that I wanted to close the gap between my values and the way I was living. Because that gap was pretty big for a while there and it didn't feel good.
[00:14:41]:
It felt really, really deeply uncomfortable. And I felt so much shame and lack of self respect in a way that was very, very uninspiring and heavy and really dragged me down. And so I suppose I share all of that a to give you a bit more of a background to my story, in case you weren't familiar, but also maybe to inspire, because it's not about telling everyone that you need to go and quit your job, but I think for those of you, and you'll know if you're hearing this, I think you'll know if I'm talking to you. I think for those of us who feel that pull, feel that little nudge from within, that whisper saying, there's more, right? There has to be more. If life feels uninspiring or small, or like there's something big tugging at you and calling you forward, I think to ignore that voice and to keep ourselves cloistered or imprisoned by fear or convention or expectation, whether ours or someone else's, there is no grief greater than that. To silence that voice within that's telling us to be bold, to be creative, to take risks, to build a life that we're really proud of. And so if you're listening to this and that is you, and you know that there's something. You know that you're on the brink of change and you're standing at a fork in the road, and there's the easy, low risk, comfortable, familiar thing, and then there's the scary thing that excites you and that feels expansive and inspiring, and that your whole being lights up just to think about it, just know that you will very, very rarely, if ever, regret doing the courageous thing.
[00:16:42]:
And I deeply believe that to be true. Because even if it doesn't work out as you planned, even if there are bumps in the road and setbacks, and there will be. There will be setbacks, you will fall off the horse. But the sense of inner peace, alignment, unity, freedom that you get from backing yourself and from trusting yourself and from honouring what is true for you, your desires, your yearnings, that is something that is so precious. And so I really do think that it's very, very hard to regret making a choice that is based on that, based on your values, based on your deep yearnings and desires, based on what you feel is deeply true for you. So I hope that this has given you something to reflect on and think about as we close out 2023 and we turn over a new leaf, turn over a new page and enter 2024 with all of its possibilities and unknowns. Just know that it's what you make it and it is a blank page. And that's not to say that you need to overhaul your life in order to be good or doing the right thing, or valuable or worthy, or any of that.
[00:18:08]:
But as I said, for those of you who know that this message is for you, I really, really encourage you to go for it, whatever that looks like for you. Maybe it's leaving a job, maybe it's taking a job, maybe it's leaving a relationship. Maybe it's starting a relationship, maybe it's starting therapy. Maybe it's joining a gym, maybe it's committing to getting strong, moving your body, or changing your habits. All of these things that you know are waiting for you. And you know that the life that you desire is on the other side of those commitments and those choices and those steps. Take the steps. Give that gift to yourself.
[00:18:45]:
When you know that your agency and your self discipline and your showing up is the only thing really standing in the way of you and the future self that you really want to become. Please do yourself the honour. Give yourself the gift of being brave and being courageous, of no longer hiding, no longer playing small, no longer saying that you can't, no longer having a lack of faith in yourself because it's in your hands. 2024 is just around the corner. So really think about that and get intentional about what you want to create this year and how very different your life could look a year from now. So I'm sending you so much love on this, the 31 December, and so much gratitude again for your support of the podcast and my work this past year and more broadly. It is in large part thanks to you that I feel so very overjoyed and grateful and proud of the life and the work that I find myself surrounded by. So thank you for your part in contributing to that sense of pride and satisfaction that I'm able to feel into as I look around and take stock.
[00:20:10]:
I'm wishing you the most beautiful, safe, peaceful, restorative new year, and I look forward to seeing you on the other side. Thanks guys.
[00:20:21]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, insecurity, courage, self-reflection, intentions, fear, challenge, gratitude, personal growth, career change, coaching, therapy, psychology, values, alignment, change, transformation, self-discipline, agency, intentional living, new year, self-awareness, inspiration, self-respect, self-worth, agency, restorative, achievement, pride, satisfaction.